WEBVTT - A Little Revenge w/ Clark Moore

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<v Speaker 1>This is part of my big push to decenter the

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<v Speaker 1>concept of penetration from sex. So you know, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>identify as a side. I don't really identify as anything

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<v Speaker 1>in terms of top bottom dichotomy. But I think this

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<v Speaker 1>is a really beautiful way for us to think about

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<v Speaker 1>sex as being more than just penetration.

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<v Speaker 2>You know what. This is a safe space to talk

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<v Speaker 2>about relationships, love and sex. Now let me tell you

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<v Speaker 2>something messy. Okay, So I have, as you all know,

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<v Speaker 2>I famously I famously have gym crushes, always, always, always, always.

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<v Speaker 2>But the last, the very like last one that I have,

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<v Speaker 2>which was a while ago, finally asked me to like

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<v Speaker 2>spot him at the gym, which this was everything. I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>oh my goodness, my gym crush wants me to spot

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<v Speaker 2>This is great. And you know, we were like waving,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, time and time again, and at the end

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<v Speaker 2>of it, he said, thanks, TJ. I think you remember this,

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<v Speaker 2>And I was like who, And I was like, no,

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<v Speaker 2>my name is Ray I thought it was. And also,

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<v Speaker 2>famously I never saw him again after that interaction. I'd

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<v Speaker 2>like to believe that he was so embarrassed that he

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<v Speaker 2>got my name wrong that he was like I can't

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<v Speaker 2>show my face this gym ever again. That's what I

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<v Speaker 2>like to believe. But I hadn't really had a gym

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<v Speaker 2>crush after that because that scarred me. That scarred me though,

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<v Speaker 2>like not knowing my what We had never met, but

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<v Speaker 2>like he thought it was somebody else, so he thought

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<v Speaker 2>he was talking to somebody else the whole time. That

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<v Speaker 2>scarred me because in my mind we was, we was.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not saying we will get married because I'm already,

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<v Speaker 2>but in my mind, you know, we were going on

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<v Speaker 2>vacation in Italy at some point, you know what I'm saying.

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<v Speaker 2>We were gonna be fucking on a balcony somewhere. That

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<v Speaker 2>was in my mind, but that clearly wasn't in his mind.

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<v Speaker 2>So I recently had a new gym crush. Beautiful, fat

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<v Speaker 2>ass tall like six six and you know how I

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<v Speaker 2>feel about it, like six three six four and my

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<v Speaker 2>head goes up, you know, chin up to the sky. Tall,

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<v Speaker 2>fat ass, fat ass, beautiful walks in the gym where

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<v Speaker 2>it's baggy clothes. I love when they got a fat

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<v Speaker 2>ass and they were baggy clothes, I could still see

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<v Speaker 2>that you got a fat ass. Love. I love it. Anyways,

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<v Speaker 2>So I introduced myself to this person maybe two weeks

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<v Speaker 2>ago because I was like, you know, I'm just whatever,

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<v Speaker 2>let me just be friendly. Branded And then they told

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<v Speaker 2>me their name, which is whatever the name was, let's

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<v Speaker 2>call it. I'm gonna tell your real name because they

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<v Speaker 2>might listen to this, but or they might not, but

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<v Speaker 2>who knows. But we're picking a uh Kieran, they said, Kieren.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I'm immediately though about Kieren Culkin, but

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<v Speaker 2>it's not anyways, he's a Karen. I said, oh, cool, Google,

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<v Speaker 2>So I remember Karen because Kieran got the fat ass whatever.

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<v Speaker 2>So now it's a week and a half later, he said, yesterday, yesterday,

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<v Speaker 2>So we at the locker room. We have lockers. It

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<v Speaker 2>happens somewhere in the gym at the same time, same lockers,

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<v Speaker 2>next next to each other, and it's Karen. I don't caring.

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<v Speaker 2>Karen's fat ass whatever. Kieren says, hey, hey, he said,

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<v Speaker 2>remind me your name and kin, and I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>it's Brandon. And in that moment, I realized that I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not his gym crush. Do you know what I'm saying,

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<v Speaker 2>Because in your mind, the gym crush, you're in a

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<v Speaker 2>relationship with the gym crush. But this is not I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not your gym crush because you don't remember my name.

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<v Speaker 2>And when you crush on somebody, I'm a free somebody today.

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<v Speaker 2>When you are crushing on somebody, you are going to

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<v Speaker 2>remember their name. So if they're crushing on you, they're

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<v Speaker 2>gonna remember your name. But if they are not crushing

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<v Speaker 2>on you, and that's tim Because there are people that

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<v Speaker 2>I've been at the gym who I don't know that

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<v Speaker 2>they've introduced themselves several times. I don't remember the name

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<v Speaker 2>at all because I don't have a crush on them. So help.

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<v Speaker 2>There are plenty of people whose days I do remember,

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<v Speaker 2>don't play me, but some of them I don't remember.

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<v Speaker 2>We met one time I don't remember, but I don't

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<v Speaker 2>have a crush on you, so I don't remember. So

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<v Speaker 2>Kieran asking me for my name confirmed to me that

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<v Speaker 2>we are not going to Italy either. You know what

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<v Speaker 2>I'm saying that this is that I have to let

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<v Speaker 2>this go. And so so I'm on the hunt for

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<v Speaker 2>a new gym crush because I would like a reciprocal

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<v Speaker 2>Jim crush. I would like a gym crush who who

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<v Speaker 2>wants me to who sees me on the StairMaster and says,

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<v Speaker 2>look at that fat ass. You know what I'm saying,

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<v Speaker 2>look at that juicy, big fat I want that for me.

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<v Speaker 2>I deserve a Jim crush who also has a crush

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<v Speaker 2>on me, who doesn't want to do anything but just

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<v Speaker 2>have Jim crushes. Because I'm also not trying to listen.

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<v Speaker 2>I got two partners, I say, y'all, well, no, and

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<v Speaker 2>that is enough for me. I'm tapped out. I'm at capacity.

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<v Speaker 2>I really can't. If I see y'all at the dark room,

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<v Speaker 2>if I see you on the dance floor, if I

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<v Speaker 2>see you at the party, fabulous, But I cannot make

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<v Speaker 2>plans with nobody else because I'm capacity with those emotional

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<v Speaker 2>with my emotional bandwidth. But a gym crush, baby, I

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<v Speaker 2>can have plenty. So but this is just for y'all.

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<v Speaker 2>If you if you are crushing on somebody and you

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<v Speaker 2>have a whole band to see and you've introduced yourself,

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<v Speaker 2>y'all have exchange names, and then you discover they don't

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<v Speaker 2>remember your name, that crush is dead. You deserve better.

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<v Speaker 2>You deserve all right, By the way, Welcome to the show.

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<v Speaker 2>This is tell me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon

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<v Speaker 2>Kyle Goodman. Most people call me messy mom, but you

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<v Speaker 2>could call me delusjah ho. Come on, that was good

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<v Speaker 2>delusional delusion. How okay, okay, let's get his hard, let's

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<v Speaker 2>get it started. Oh, by the way, you can join

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<v Speaker 2>me on substack. I'm going to start doing live shows

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<v Speaker 2>on substack Messy Monday Night every Monday at six pm Pacific,

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<v Speaker 2>nine pm Eastern. You can log onto substack and you

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<v Speaker 2>can watch me key with you. You can also submit your

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<v Speaker 2>own messy stories or questions. Email me at tell Me

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<v Speaker 2>Something Messy at gmail dot com. Or if you go

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<v Speaker 2>on subsack, you'll see there's a link in that last

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<v Speaker 2>post I made where you can submit anonymously, even more anonymously.

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<v Speaker 2>Submissions always remain anonymous anyways. Substat Brandon Hawguman dot subsack

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<v Speaker 2>dot com. Messy Monday Night a live show every Monday

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<v Speaker 2>at nine pm Eastern, six pm Pacific. And it's just

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<v Speaker 2>gonna be a key key and sometimes we'll have guests

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<v Speaker 2>and all the good things. I hope to see you there.

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<v Speaker 2>And one more bit of hokeyping, don't forget to rate

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<v Speaker 2>review and subscribe to this podcast. Baby, we're trying to

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<v Speaker 2>get two hundred and sixty reviews by the end of April.

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<v Speaker 2>We're like one hundred and sixty right now, and so

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<v Speaker 2>I know we can get there. I know we can

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<v Speaker 2>get there. Okay, all the things, all the things. I

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<v Speaker 2>love you. Is there a doorbell? There is a doorbell

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<v Speaker 2>in three two? You know what that means. It is

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<v Speaker 2>tough for I guess now, while they get situated, we

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<v Speaker 2>will get our messy. Kikey started with a ho manifesto,

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<v Speaker 2>repeat after me, allowed or in your head. Grant me

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<v Speaker 2>the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,

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<v Speaker 2>the wisdom to know that sex is not just about penetration,

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<v Speaker 2>The audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries. The

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<v Speaker 2>strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,

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<v Speaker 2>or fuck bay, for it is better to masturbate by

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<v Speaker 2>myself in peace than to let someone play in my

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<v Speaker 2>motherfucking face that the community say hoolujah. Clarkmore is a

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<v Speaker 2>multi hyphen it actor, writer, and director. He is best

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<v Speaker 2>known for his roles in Love Simon and on Crazy

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<v Speaker 2>Ex Girlfriend. His most recent Phil not An Artist is

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<v Speaker 2>available now on digital and His newsletter whist Over, which

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<v Speaker 2>features essays, reviews, and recommendations, can be found at Clarkmore

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<v Speaker 2>dot subsack dot com. Hi h clark Im, you're here.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you for being here. You were watching me get

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<v Speaker 2>myself together. Clark's one of those guests. You were here early, girl.

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<v Speaker 1>You know I cannot be on time. Yeah, either absurdly

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<v Speaker 1>early or late.

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<v Speaker 2>And wow, so which used to be absurdly early? Great?

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<v Speaker 3>Well, more like it just worked out that way.

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<v Speaker 2>Lovely, lovely. Because I walked in, I was like, am

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<v Speaker 2>I late? Clark was like seeing it, I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>oh my god, But I love I love a prompt girly.

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<v Speaker 2>I wish I was more prompt myself. But before we

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<v Speaker 2>get into this, let me give you our messy mandates,

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<v Speaker 2>which are things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or

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<v Speaker 2>opinions shared have the right to shift evolve for change today,

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<v Speaker 2>tomorrow or ten years from now. And if during the

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<v Speaker 2>kiki something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use

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<v Speaker 2>the safe word foosball, which allows us to pause and

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<v Speaker 2>pivot and address accordingly. Okay, copy, yes, I know, right,

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<v Speaker 2>because we'll I use it because as I everyone has

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<v Speaker 2>heard me say a million times if foosball comes up here,

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<v Speaker 2>like what is going on? Yeah, there should be no

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<v Speaker 2>reason to be talking about football, and for that reason

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to do an episode on foosball at some point.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, let's play a game of smash or pass,

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<v Speaker 2>little lube breaker.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, yeah, all right, so.

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<v Speaker 2>Smash or pass nipples being bitten. I guess not definitely

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<v Speaker 2>not pass. Okay, okay, this is why is on a smash?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, you know, I think, as with any thing, it

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<v Speaker 1>depends on the context.

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<v Speaker 2>Course, absolutely, this is this context will be the most

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<v Speaker 2>divine context then smash?

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<v Speaker 3>Sure? Why not?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 3>I do get I have control issues.

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<v Speaker 1>So when you said nipple biting, I immediately was like,

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<v Speaker 1>huh is it still thereafter?

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<v Speaker 2>You know? Yes, because it is.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean ideally, ideally I would hope design context. Yes, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>but in the alternate context, yeah, you know, noble blood.

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<v Speaker 3>For me, I'm good, No, no, no, maybe just a little like.

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<v Speaker 2>A little nibble, a little nibble, nipples being nibble yet

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<v Speaker 2>smashed for a nibble, smash for a nibble. I am

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<v Speaker 2>also a smash for a nibble, a light bite, which

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<v Speaker 2>I only thought I liked. I love my nipples being

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<v Speaker 2>suckedor licked. You can flick it. You can also squeeze it,

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<v Speaker 2>but I didn't know about the biting. And then my

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<v Speaker 2>partner bit my nipple, you know, in a in a

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<v Speaker 2>divine way, still there, still there. I was like, oh

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<v Speaker 2>my god, I'm actually quite into this, and that kind

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<v Speaker 2>of revealed and he is as well, so like kind

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<v Speaker 2>of revealed that we enjoy a little bit of pain.

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<v Speaker 2>Not too much nine into the torture of it all,

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<v Speaker 2>but like a little bit of pain, a little bit

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<v Speaker 2>of that pain pleasure or pain accentuates the pleasure.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, totally, yeah, I don't know that.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm all the way there with you, Okay, okay, smash

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<v Speaker 1>or pass sniffing someone's come soaked underwear. I mean, I've

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<v Speaker 1>never done that, But what comes up when I say it?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you know what the thing is? Tell me a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of the I'm very kink positive, sure, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm also very like, you know, if that's what

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<v Speaker 1>you're into, then Gray, Yes, that's why pass feels too.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, okay, because I'm like, who knows, anything can happen? Absolutely,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, to your to your point about messy mandate,

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<v Speaker 1>anything can change.

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<v Speaker 2>Anything can change it can evolve. I am I haven't.

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<v Speaker 2>Have I done this? Have I done this? Have I sniffed?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>I have? Oh my god, yes I have, absolutely, I have.

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<v Speaker 2>I have absolutely. In fact, I think like my boyfriend

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<v Speaker 2>came in an underwear once and I was like, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>going to take that with me now. And I actually

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<v Speaker 2>opened my yesterday it's fully in there. So yes, sorry, Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>it is a smash for me. People sell their comes

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<v Speaker 2>so underwear for money on the where my brain went

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<v Speaker 2>yes and yeah, and I was at it. I was

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<v Speaker 2>at a shoot and we were talking about it, and

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<v Speaker 2>we we're like, well, what is the what is the

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<v Speaker 2>pleasure of that? Or why do people want that? Which,

0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:38.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, there's a lot of reasons, but I think

0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:42.400
<v Speaker 2>it's like like wanting that from a stranger, like somebody, Yeah,

0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.679
<v Speaker 2>is it the same turn on? Like I understand from

0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:47.199
<v Speaker 2>my partner. But do I want you know, that random

0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:49.960
<v Speaker 2>hottie in that other you know country? Do I want

0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.320
<v Speaker 2>them to send me their sturdy jocks?

0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:54.719
<v Speaker 3>I certainly don't want to pay for it myself. I

0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:55.720
<v Speaker 3>don't want to pay for it.

0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:58.320
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I have no nothing is it. I just

0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 2>want to want to save my money from my green Jesus,

0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:03.160
<v Speaker 2>that's right, because that's right.

0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:06.800
<v Speaker 3>To be clear, It's just that the budget is alligated.

0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:09.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, not that I'm opposed to. It's a budget. Yeah,

0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:11.880
<v Speaker 2>you gotta I gotta work the gotta work the co

0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:15.880
<v Speaker 2>pilot budget, you know, whatever the apps are these days.

0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:18.760
<v Speaker 2>But I'm but I do find it. I love that.

0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:20.480
<v Speaker 2>I love it as a kink or I'm curious about

0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:22.960
<v Speaker 2>it as a kink, like you know, people wanting people's sucks,

0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.280
<v Speaker 2>or yeah, totally an intimacy thing.

0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:30.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, or like I heard someone say, I can't remember

0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:32.240
<v Speaker 1>who it was it was, Oh, I think randomly. It's

0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:35.240
<v Speaker 1>one of the two Plas brothers on an interview talking

0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:38.720
<v Speaker 1>about how he knew that his partner was the one

0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:41.800
<v Speaker 1>when he woke up one morning and her morning breath

0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:47.520
<v Speaker 1>didn't oh you know, it's comforting and known. Yeah, it

0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:49.960
<v Speaker 1>was like, oh wow, this is my life partner.

0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:52.640
<v Speaker 2>That's similar to like one of fart, that like when

0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:56.920
<v Speaker 2>your partner's stinky fart doesn't bug you. I don't know.

0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:58.400
<v Speaker 2>I will never get to a point where I want

0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.199
<v Speaker 2>to see somebody ship in the toil. I don't care

0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:03.040
<v Speaker 2>how much ill you. I'm like, if you don't flush

0:13:03.080 --> 0:13:06.480
<v Speaker 2>the motherfucking toilet, I'll fight, but yes, the farts, the

0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:10.240
<v Speaker 2>morning breath, the burps were You're like, oh that's so cute,

0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:12.000
<v Speaker 2>but does that last forever?

0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:15.040
<v Speaker 3>You tell me? I don't know, girl, I don't know.

0:13:15.200 --> 0:13:15.880
<v Speaker 3>I don't know either.

0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:20.439
<v Speaker 1>I mean the only the longest intimate non sexual relationship

0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:22.480
<v Speaker 1>that I had was with my dog who passed away.

0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.600
<v Speaker 1>But I felt that way about his breath. Yeah, it

0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:28.119
<v Speaker 1>felt very like calming and comforting.

0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:29.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, somebody you love.

0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:31.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and the like stinky dog smell thing.

0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:34.040
<v Speaker 1>People talk about this a lot, where like there's a

0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:36.000
<v Speaker 1>lot of people who like to have a smelly dog

0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:36.600
<v Speaker 1>in the house.

0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:37.680
<v Speaker 3>Do you or did you?

0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.080
<v Speaker 1>I there was a limit where I had to like,

0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:44.680
<v Speaker 1>but it didn't bother me. Yeah, it sort of felt. Yeah,

0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:47.760
<v Speaker 1>it was calming and you know, intimate in that sense.

0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:53.079
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I my husband would agree with you. I smelled

0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.280
<v Speaker 2>that breath and immediately started a subscription to his Greenies

0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:58.840
<v Speaker 2>because I said, no, we won't be doing that, baby.

0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:00.800
<v Speaker 2>And the amount of candles I have in the house

0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:04.360
<v Speaker 2>as well, yeah, like we keep the one does open

0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:05.600
<v Speaker 2>wash that dog often?

0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:09.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I also don't have it generally, Like I don't

0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:10.680
<v Speaker 1>when I go into someone else's.

0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:12.320
<v Speaker 2>You don't it's your dog, is true?

0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:12.600
<v Speaker 3>Right?

0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:14.440
<v Speaker 2>You do want to spell somebody else's dog. But I'm

0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:19.240
<v Speaker 2>saying I don't even want to spill them and that's okay,

0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:22.680
<v Speaker 2>And that's okay, that's okay, all right, Smash for pass

0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.320
<v Speaker 2>having sex with porn in the background.

0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:31.640
<v Speaker 1>Oh, I think past. I think past because well, I

0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:34.280
<v Speaker 1>mean I think of the uh is that sex and

0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:34.680
<v Speaker 1>the city?

0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:35.560
<v Speaker 2>Oh? Sure?

0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.920
<v Speaker 1>The I mean I think about like porn addiction in

0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:44.680
<v Speaker 1>general being something that I'm nervous about, certainly with a partner.

0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:48.160
<v Speaker 2>Nervous about the two of you getting addicted to porn?

0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:49.600
<v Speaker 2>Are you getting addicted to it?

0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:52.520
<v Speaker 1>If nervous in the context of if that's something that

0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:55.320
<v Speaker 1>has to be if porn has to be on in

0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:56.200
<v Speaker 1>order for sex?

0:14:56.480 --> 0:14:59.240
<v Speaker 3>Oh okay, Yes, I think engaging with it.

0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:02.600
<v Speaker 1>Fine, if that's a if that is a requirement that

0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:04.320
<v Speaker 1>makes me nervous, what if it's what if.

0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:06.040
<v Speaker 2>It's not, what if it's just part of you know?

0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:07.680
<v Speaker 3>Then sure? Yeah, try anything?

0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:12.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, love, I tried a second time to make sure.

0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:16.560
<v Speaker 2>I know. Yeah, I it's not my go to I

0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:19.560
<v Speaker 2>prefer music. But I was looking up with somebody and

0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:21.440
<v Speaker 2>I came into their place and they had porn playing

0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:22.800
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, oh, I can get into this.

0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:26.800
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes the hardest thing though, for me with porn

0:15:27.440 --> 0:15:31.320
<v Speaker 2>with somebody else is deciding what porn it should be,

0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:34.440
<v Speaker 2>because we all have different tastes and things that turn

0:15:34.520 --> 0:15:35.280
<v Speaker 2>us on well, and.

0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:36.040
<v Speaker 3>This is the other thing.

0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:38.720
<v Speaker 1>A lot of people engage with it privately, and so

0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.800
<v Speaker 1>it's really unexamined. Yes, and then all of a sudden

0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:43.920
<v Speaker 1>you're like, oh, yeah, this is normal, right, And it's

0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:47.400
<v Speaker 1>like and it might it all is in its own

0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:49.359
<v Speaker 1>but might not feel it with the other person.

0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:53.440
<v Speaker 3>Or you might not be aware of what you know,

0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:55.720
<v Speaker 3>and it's unlocking. Absolutely.

0:15:55.760 --> 0:15:58.760
<v Speaker 2>It's like we have our different fantasies for different reasons

0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:02.360
<v Speaker 2>and different porn that attracted to for different reasons. And

0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:04.880
<v Speaker 2>so when you're by yourself with it, that's one thing,

0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:07.360
<v Speaker 2>But when you introduce a partner with it, it's like,

0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:09.400
<v Speaker 2>are we on the same yes, are we doing the

0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:13.440
<v Speaker 2>same thing, the same type of thing? We like? Yeah,

0:16:13.440 --> 0:16:15.440
<v Speaker 2>I was at a party and someone was telling me

0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:19.000
<v Speaker 2>that they were meeting a partner and they wanted to

0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.400
<v Speaker 2>introduce a porn because they like, you know, like the

0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:23.760
<v Speaker 2>stepdad porn or whatever. Yeah, and that was too much

0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:26.160
<v Speaker 2>for the other person. It's like, oh, well, it's not

0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:28.480
<v Speaker 2>bad that you like that porn, but yeah, now you're

0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:32.040
<v Speaker 2>thinking differently because you know you're the partner.

0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:34.600
<v Speaker 1>Didn't and is it examined? You know, like why why

0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:35.720
<v Speaker 1>is that interesting to you?

0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.680
<v Speaker 2>I know, the fantasies are hard. I mean, I always

0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:42.400
<v Speaker 2>want to be curious, but sometimes you're like, they're I

0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:43.720
<v Speaker 2>don't know if this is true or not. But I've

0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:45.760
<v Speaker 2>had somebody say like, sometimes it's just like it is

0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:48.520
<v Speaker 2>what it is, Yeah, And you can't get too deep

0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:54.440
<v Speaker 2>into why because then it gets a little like why

0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.480
<v Speaker 2>do I love watching people get pissed? One like I don't.

0:16:58.160 --> 0:16:59.560
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if we're going to find that out,

0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:04.960
<v Speaker 2>but yes, I do think understanding maybe what it is

0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:09.600
<v Speaker 2>is being intentional about how you're engaging with porn, yes,

0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:13.280
<v Speaker 2>and when you're engaging with it and as opposed to

0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:16.560
<v Speaker 2>necessarily always asking well, what is the thing that I'm

0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:17.199
<v Speaker 2>attracted to?

0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:17.920
<v Speaker 3>Right?

0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:21.600
<v Speaker 1>I think that with all sex, you know, sort of

0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:26.480
<v Speaker 1>if it feels like a healthy relationship to it, and

0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:28.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm you know, I've been thinking a lot about porn

0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:30.760
<v Speaker 1>addiction lately because it keeps coming up in the context

0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:39.600
<v Speaker 1>of gender and particularly masculinity, relationships between men and misogyny

0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:43.000
<v Speaker 1>and women, and so thinking about like how do you

0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:46.480
<v Speaker 1>engage with it in a way that's healthy, thoughtful, examined

0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:51.919
<v Speaker 1>to an extent, but also not like addictive. Yes, I

0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:55.520
<v Speaker 1>feel like it's there's a secret the accessibility of it

0:17:57.000 --> 0:18:00.480
<v Speaker 1>with Twitter, and for sure it just sort of like

0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:02.639
<v Speaker 1>it has creeped.

0:18:02.280 --> 0:18:05.040
<v Speaker 3>In a lot more than maybe it used to.

0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.560
<v Speaker 2>Well, there's so much of it now, right, it's not

0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:10.680
<v Speaker 2>just like a magazine that it's like under your bed. Right,

0:18:10.720 --> 0:18:15.280
<v Speaker 2>it's on your phone, it's your computer. It's now the

0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:18.760
<v Speaker 2>amateur lane of it is all so accessible, like anyone

0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:21.080
<v Speaker 2>can start only fans, anyone can put so for on Twitter,

0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:25.040
<v Speaker 2>and so you can, if you're not engaged with your sexuality,

0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:27.640
<v Speaker 2>kind of get lost in just that and also think

0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:30.560
<v Speaker 2>that this way of having sex is the correct way

0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.919
<v Speaker 2>or the only way, and you're not examining Oh, I

0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:37.879
<v Speaker 2>you know, the bottom is never being eaten out before

0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:41.320
<v Speaker 2>he gets fucked or I don't know if that's a

0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:46.480
<v Speaker 2>real moan, like a theatrical one. And then when you

0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.680
<v Speaker 2>go into real sex, you're comparing it to this fantasy

0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:53.520
<v Speaker 2>and that can also then become confusing because your partner

0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:55.959
<v Speaker 2>is not a porn star, and even if they are

0:18:56.000 --> 0:18:57.879
<v Speaker 2>porn star, like how they perform in front of a

0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.919
<v Speaker 2>camera and how they perform it in private not the

0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.600
<v Speaker 2>same thing, and allowing that to reality to exist and

0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:08.359
<v Speaker 2>for that to be okay.

0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:11.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, this is all from porn smasher past clearly

0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:16.280
<v Speaker 1>is it has brought something up in me. I guess past.

0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.440
<v Speaker 3>Maybe I don't know what if this be, like, where

0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:19.240
<v Speaker 3>have we landed?

0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:23.000
<v Speaker 2>I guess I guess it's We can give it a

0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:25.840
<v Speaker 2>smass okay, we can do a lovely like in between

0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:28.760
<v Speaker 2>smass hybrid. Yeah, you won the game, by the way,

0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:35.520
<v Speaker 2>did I? You won my unconditional love? Listen, I give

0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:39.720
<v Speaker 2>the cues on give it. If y'all have prompts for games,

0:19:39.880 --> 0:19:41.359
<v Speaker 2>or you want to tell me something messy, you can

0:19:41.400 --> 0:19:44.040
<v Speaker 2>email me at tell me something messy at gmail dot com.

0:19:44.080 --> 0:19:47.000
<v Speaker 2>Speaking of which, Clark, can you tell me something messy?

0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:49.200
<v Speaker 1>Okay, I can tell you something messy. I will tell

0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:54.040
<v Speaker 1>you I have taken the prompt and I have gone.

0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:58.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm using the word relationship in a very broad yeah,

0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:03.600
<v Speaker 1>please okay, And it's not as sexual, that's right. It's

0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:05.360
<v Speaker 1>you'll see why it's messy. It's kind of a little

0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:06.040
<v Speaker 1>bit gossipy.

0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:15.640
<v Speaker 2>We love a little goss.

0:20:13.800 --> 0:20:14.159
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:16.560
<v Speaker 1>So, as I told your I'm here for the winter

0:20:17.480 --> 0:20:21.600
<v Speaker 1>and trying to figure out my relationship with Los Angeles

0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:25.000
<v Speaker 1>in general long term. It feels like my American home base,

0:20:25.040 --> 0:20:27.359
<v Speaker 1>which is which is quite nice, but that comes with

0:20:27.400 --> 0:20:28.840
<v Speaker 1>a lot of logistical issues.

0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:30.400
<v Speaker 3>Where do you live? How do you get around?

0:20:30.520 --> 0:20:33.960
<v Speaker 1>And so this winter I decided to rent a car

0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:38.480
<v Speaker 1>from a friend, a friend of a friend who's.

0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:40.440
<v Speaker 3>Sort of this like older guy.

0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:44.720
<v Speaker 1>He fixes up cars, specifically like old Mercedes that kind

0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:51.280
<v Speaker 1>of like La Mercedes vibe. Yeah, sure, lovely car, beautiful,

0:20:51.800 --> 0:20:53.920
<v Speaker 1>you know, butter cream dream.

0:20:53.760 --> 0:20:57.919
<v Speaker 2>Well, butter cream gorgeous. Okay, describing a color like that,

0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:00.680
<v Speaker 2>butter cream, I don't we don't use that word enough.

0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:04.600
<v Speaker 1>But you can see it, maybe I see it. I

0:21:04.600 --> 0:21:07.680
<v Speaker 1>can lick it, Yeah, lovely margarine yellow.

0:21:07.800 --> 0:21:08.440
<v Speaker 2>Yes.

0:21:09.200 --> 0:21:12.600
<v Speaker 1>And and it's a diesel car, so it's quite loud

0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:20.280
<v Speaker 1>and quite like smelly, like definitely not put on your mask.

0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:20.520
<v Speaker 2>All right.

0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:21.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:23.840
<v Speaker 1>And so anyway, so I had parked it on the

0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:26.879
<v Speaker 1>street outside of my house, and it was the oldest

0:21:26.880 --> 0:21:29.359
<v Speaker 1>car that I've ever driven, so it took some time

0:21:29.720 --> 0:21:32.120
<v Speaker 1>to get used to it. And I kind of was like, oh,

0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:34.760
<v Speaker 1>maybe I'm not an old car person, you know, like

0:21:34.800 --> 0:21:35.520
<v Speaker 1>the photos are.

0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:40.760
<v Speaker 2>Great, listen to Instagram is popping, but I don't know

0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:41.760
<v Speaker 2>if it's unfortunate.

0:21:42.720 --> 0:21:45.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And so it kind of was sitting around longer

0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:48.040
<v Speaker 1>than intended, like I thought it would be my go

0:21:48.119 --> 0:21:54.080
<v Speaker 1>to whatever. So one day I walk out and someone

0:21:54.359 --> 0:21:56.880
<v Speaker 1>in my neighborhood I live on the West Side, which

0:21:57.000 --> 0:22:00.760
<v Speaker 1>which is lovely and beautiful, can be a little bit suburb,

0:22:01.320 --> 0:22:05.600
<v Speaker 1>a little bit suburb. And I walk out and there

0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:08.639
<v Speaker 1>is a sign on my car okay in front of

0:22:08.680 --> 0:22:12.720
<v Speaker 1>my house that says, please move your car or we

0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:16.159
<v Speaker 1>will have it towed. And it was one of those like,

0:22:16.280 --> 0:22:19.879
<v Speaker 1>you know, I've only received I've only received a note

0:22:19.920 --> 0:22:22.760
<v Speaker 1>like this once before in my life, and at the

0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:25.439
<v Speaker 1>time it was in a neighborhood that I didn't live in.

0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:28.600
<v Speaker 1>So I was like, fine, these people are assholes, you know, Like,

0:22:28.680 --> 0:22:31.639
<v Speaker 1>I didn't intend to piss you off my car.

0:22:32.080 --> 0:22:33.960
<v Speaker 3>You could have just told me. You know.

0:22:35.040 --> 0:22:36.960
<v Speaker 1>The reason why it's messy is because I have now

0:22:37.040 --> 0:22:39.639
<v Speaker 1>spent the last two weeks trying to figure out who

0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:45.000
<v Speaker 1>wrote the notes? I am like, literally, I am pissed,

0:22:45.240 --> 0:22:47.320
<v Speaker 1>and I am looking out my window every time someone

0:22:47.359 --> 0:22:50.320
<v Speaker 1>walks out the door. I'm like, isn't it is her?

0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:53.359
<v Speaker 1>So I'm kind of like in a secret war with

0:22:54.400 --> 0:22:57.879
<v Speaker 1>with all of my neighbors and a.

0:22:57.880 --> 0:23:01.880
<v Speaker 2>Suspect right now, yes, right, And I just it feels.

0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:06.760
<v Speaker 1>It feels like one of the pettiest things you can do,

0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:08.840
<v Speaker 1>you know, write a note and like I get it,

0:23:08.880 --> 0:23:10.919
<v Speaker 1>like you want me to move the car. It had

0:23:10.960 --> 0:23:13.560
<v Speaker 1>been around a couple of days, you know whatever. But like,

0:23:13.640 --> 0:23:14.960
<v Speaker 1>but why did they want to move the car? Was

0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:16.520
<v Speaker 1>it in a place that it shouldn't be part.

0:23:16.440 --> 0:23:17.399
<v Speaker 3>It's a public street.

0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:22.159
<v Speaker 1>But apparently there's a there's a law you can't have

0:23:22.240 --> 0:23:25.199
<v Speaker 1>a car parked for more than seventy two hours without

0:23:25.240 --> 0:23:27.960
<v Speaker 1>moving it. And let me tell you an hour seventy three.

0:23:28.000 --> 0:23:28.600
<v Speaker 1>They put that.

0:23:28.520 --> 0:23:30.160
<v Speaker 2>Note on a law.

0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:30.760
<v Speaker 3>It's a law.

0:23:30.840 --> 0:23:34.880
<v Speaker 1>That's a law where here Los Angeles County, Okay.

0:23:35.880 --> 0:23:40.160
<v Speaker 2>That seems like a who is that benefite? Exactly? It's

0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.199
<v Speaker 2>been you go on like a trip or something, you

0:23:42.200 --> 0:23:42.920
<v Speaker 2>can't leave a car.

0:23:43.000 --> 0:23:45.040
<v Speaker 1>They don't want you to leave the car. They don't

0:23:45.080 --> 0:23:46.960
<v Speaker 1>want you you know, I live on the west side

0:23:47.040 --> 0:23:50.040
<v Speaker 1>near the airport. And so one of my other neighbors

0:23:50.080 --> 0:23:52.160
<v Speaker 1>who she's high on my sospect.

0:23:53.480 --> 0:23:54.840
<v Speaker 2>Let's call her Belinda. I don't know why.

0:23:54.880 --> 0:23:56.119
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, let's call her Belinda.

0:23:56.520 --> 0:23:57.640
<v Speaker 2>Okay, yes, Welinda.

0:23:57.760 --> 0:24:00.920
<v Speaker 1>Belinda told me about the law the seventy two hours

0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:02.520
<v Speaker 1>and she was like, well, you know, why did.

0:24:02.400 --> 0:24:03.960
<v Speaker 2>She tell you about that? Now I'm figuring this out.

0:24:04.000 --> 0:24:05.280
<v Speaker 2>Why did she tell you about the law? Did you

0:24:05.280 --> 0:24:05.680
<v Speaker 2>ask her?

0:24:05.760 --> 0:24:06.879
<v Speaker 3>Did she exactly?

0:24:07.160 --> 0:24:10.960
<v Speaker 2>We were talking and she she said she had seen

0:24:11.040 --> 0:24:17.480
<v Speaker 2>the note, okay, Melinda. And I was like, yeah, is

0:24:17.520 --> 0:24:19.760
<v Speaker 2>it a big note or like, does she meant to

0:24:19.760 --> 0:24:23.879
<v Speaker 2>bring it? It was a like like imagine paper that

0:24:23.920 --> 0:24:28.359
<v Speaker 2>you It was green and it had it was written

0:24:28.359 --> 0:24:32.480
<v Speaker 2>in orange marker. It was yeah, okay, it felt like

0:24:32.640 --> 0:24:37.600
<v Speaker 2>it felt like someone who has a kid, which is God.

0:24:37.640 --> 0:24:40.080
<v Speaker 2>I love this. So we know that they have construction paper.

0:24:40.560 --> 0:24:42.600
<v Speaker 2>They got they got an ink that writes an orange,

0:24:42.720 --> 0:24:45.119
<v Speaker 2>so they have kids parents.

0:24:45.440 --> 0:24:47.520
<v Speaker 1>It was not a piece of paper an adult would write.

0:24:47.640 --> 0:24:49.639
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely got it outside of the context of a child.

0:24:49.640 --> 0:24:50.200
<v Speaker 2>Got it. Okay.

0:24:50.240 --> 0:24:54.560
<v Speaker 1>So that's why Belinda she's kids. She doesn't, okay, but

0:24:54.600 --> 0:24:55.800
<v Speaker 1>she does have grandkids.

0:25:00.520 --> 0:25:02.399
<v Speaker 2>I was gonna take off, but she's very bad on.

0:25:03.359 --> 0:25:06.119
<v Speaker 1>She's in there. So she saw me come in. It

0:25:06.160 --> 0:25:08.920
<v Speaker 1>was like two or three weeks ago, and she said, oh, yeah,

0:25:08.920 --> 0:25:13.479
<v Speaker 1>so I did see your car that crazy note. You know,

0:25:13.520 --> 0:25:15.840
<v Speaker 1>you can't keep it for more than seventy two hours.

0:25:16.200 --> 0:25:18.120
<v Speaker 1>And I was like, oh, interesting, and she's like, yeah,

0:25:18.160 --> 0:25:20.760
<v Speaker 1>you know, people park here and they go to lax

0:25:20.920 --> 0:25:23.320
<v Speaker 1>and they leave their car. And I was like, I

0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:26.400
<v Speaker 1>don't really think they do that, Like I've never seen

0:25:26.440 --> 0:25:27.600
<v Speaker 1>that be an issue.

0:25:27.800 --> 0:25:28.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:25:28.720 --> 0:25:30.800
<v Speaker 1>So anyway, this is why it's messy, because I'm at

0:25:31.240 --> 0:25:33.040
<v Speaker 1>an war with my neighbors, of course, And this is

0:25:33.040 --> 0:25:36.000
<v Speaker 1>why I say, I really expanded the definition of relationship

0:25:36.000 --> 0:25:39.119
<v Speaker 1>because I've been thinking a lot about community and thinking

0:25:39.160 --> 0:25:41.560
<v Speaker 1>a lot about like how you live in community with

0:25:41.600 --> 0:25:45.119
<v Speaker 1>people around you, yes, and how like for most of

0:25:45.160 --> 0:25:47.119
<v Speaker 1>the winter, I mean, it was a really really lovely

0:25:47.600 --> 0:25:50.360
<v Speaker 1>love my neighborhood, love my neighbors until two weeks ago.

0:25:51.080 --> 0:25:53.840
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and now I'm like, do I burn it all down?

0:25:54.200 --> 0:25:58.280
<v Speaker 2>I mean I'm always gonna say yes, Wait, are there

0:25:58.280 --> 0:25:59.679
<v Speaker 2>any other suspects beside Belinda?

0:26:00.080 --> 0:26:03.840
<v Speaker 1>So across the street they have like three or four kids,

0:26:03.840 --> 0:26:05.240
<v Speaker 1>And this is actually what pisses me off.

0:26:05.280 --> 0:26:08.359
<v Speaker 3>Tell me they're loud all the time.

0:26:08.440 --> 0:26:11.000
<v Speaker 1>And you know what, I don't care, Like that has

0:26:11.119 --> 0:26:15.239
<v Speaker 1>never bothered you, not for a second. But for your

0:26:15.320 --> 0:26:18.399
<v Speaker 1>kids to be loud and screaming bloody murder, I'm running

0:26:18.440 --> 0:26:20.560
<v Speaker 1>up and down the street and then my car can't

0:26:20.560 --> 0:26:22.000
<v Speaker 1>be in front of the house for more than seventy

0:26:22.040 --> 0:26:22.560
<v Speaker 1>two hours.

0:26:22.600 --> 0:26:25.360
<v Speaker 2>And this is the We're gonna call them the mcduffin family. Yes,

0:26:25.400 --> 0:26:28.639
<v Speaker 2>for mcduffins. The mcduffins have the kids that are allowed.

0:26:28.760 --> 0:26:31.080
<v Speaker 2>We think that, but what if So if they didn't

0:26:31.080 --> 0:26:32.720
<v Speaker 2>write the note, We're okay with the loud kids.

0:26:32.760 --> 0:26:35.920
<v Speaker 1>But if they did, now I'm like, come on, okay,

0:26:35.960 --> 0:26:37.320
<v Speaker 1>class houses got it.

0:26:37.640 --> 0:26:38.840
<v Speaker 3>I got a note for me, I got a note

0:26:38.840 --> 0:26:39.080
<v Speaker 3>for you.

0:26:39.160 --> 0:26:42.639
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely okay. So we have the mcduffins, we have Belinda.

0:26:42.840 --> 0:26:47.600
<v Speaker 2>Anybody else's that those are the two main ones. Yes, okay.

0:26:47.640 --> 0:26:50.160
<v Speaker 1>The other ones I don't know as well because they're

0:26:50.160 --> 0:26:51.600
<v Speaker 1>not as like visible.

0:26:51.720 --> 0:26:54.880
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I do find it strange. I will keep talking

0:26:54.880 --> 0:26:57.000
<v Speaker 2>about this. I do find it. I'm also just sort

0:26:57.040 --> 0:27:03.680
<v Speaker 2>of watching The Residents on Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Netflix. I'm

0:27:03.800 --> 0:27:07.679
<v Speaker 2>just so curious about Belinda offering this information unprovoked and

0:27:07.720 --> 0:27:12.320
<v Speaker 2>also like knowing about the note, like I never look

0:27:12.320 --> 0:27:13.240
<v Speaker 2>at people's cars like that.

0:27:13.520 --> 0:27:17.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, well, so here's some more information. Okay, yes, she

0:27:18.080 --> 0:27:20.399
<v Speaker 1>And this is also again when she's suspect number one.

0:27:20.920 --> 0:27:23.560
<v Speaker 1>There is another neighbor on my side of the street

0:27:23.720 --> 0:27:27.560
<v Speaker 1>who I guess. It's a big family, intergenerational family, a

0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:29.639
<v Speaker 1>lot of adults living in the house, a lot of cars,

0:27:30.240 --> 0:27:33.639
<v Speaker 1>and a lot of you know, limited driveway garage space.

0:27:33.960 --> 0:27:35.600
<v Speaker 1>So they have a lot of cars in the street.

0:27:35.880 --> 0:27:40.679
<v Speaker 1>And Belinda had threatened to have one of those cars toad.

0:27:41.119 --> 0:27:43.680
<v Speaker 2>Belinda is the neighborhood car police.

0:27:43.760 --> 0:27:44.040
<v Speaker 3>She is.

0:27:44.640 --> 0:27:49.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, she's like president of next door, you know, absolutely,

0:27:49.840 --> 0:27:54.399
<v Speaker 1>And so she told me that. She was telling me,

0:27:54.440 --> 0:27:55.560
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, oh yeah, And I feel so

0:27:55.640 --> 0:27:58.000
<v Speaker 1>bad because I did, like, you know, it was sitting

0:27:58.040 --> 0:28:00.520
<v Speaker 1>there for a couple of days, and when I saw

0:28:00.560 --> 0:28:02.600
<v Speaker 1>the note, I got pissed. But then immediately I was like, well,

0:28:02.600 --> 0:28:04.399
<v Speaker 1>how many times have they looked out this window and

0:28:04.480 --> 0:28:06.880
<v Speaker 1>been like that that clunker?

0:28:07.080 --> 0:28:07.159
<v Speaker 3>That?

0:28:07.320 --> 0:28:09.600
<v Speaker 2>Why is that? I've said it? I feel like this

0:28:09.720 --> 0:28:11.760
<v Speaker 2>thing about community and neighborhoods, and this is neighborhood I

0:28:11.760 --> 0:28:14.640
<v Speaker 2>grew up in, which is like if if somebody's car

0:28:14.760 --> 0:28:16.200
<v Speaker 2>was there, and we saw that it was about to

0:28:16.200 --> 0:28:18.359
<v Speaker 2>get towed. Now calling you and say, hey, were about

0:28:18.359 --> 0:28:20.600
<v Speaker 2>to get your car. That's right, you're saying like opposite, opposite,

0:28:20.720 --> 0:28:23.800
<v Speaker 2>like but not I'm towing your car, Like, yeah, if

0:28:23.840 --> 0:28:25.639
<v Speaker 2>your car is left there, I'm not like I know

0:28:25.760 --> 0:28:28.840
<v Speaker 2>this your car, Okay, no problem. I would be helping

0:28:28.840 --> 0:28:31.080
<v Speaker 2>you if, like I saw forces that outside of the

0:28:31.119 --> 0:28:32.720
<v Speaker 2>neighborhood coming in to funk with your car.

0:28:32.840 --> 0:28:35.680
<v Speaker 3>That's right. No, the forces are within within, That's why

0:28:35.720 --> 0:28:36.160
<v Speaker 3>it's missing.

0:28:36.200 --> 0:28:38.880
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god. See I don't like that. I don't

0:28:38.960 --> 0:28:39.200
<v Speaker 2>like that.

0:28:39.360 --> 0:28:41.280
<v Speaker 3>It immediately becomes like a horror film.

0:28:41.480 --> 0:28:41.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:44.640
<v Speaker 1>And when I say pressed up against the window while

0:28:44.680 --> 0:28:47.880
<v Speaker 1>people walk by, that's like my face, Yeah, pressed.

0:28:47.640 --> 0:28:50.400
<v Speaker 2>Up against Because I'm gonna find y'all with these Yeah,

0:28:50.480 --> 0:28:50.840
<v Speaker 2>I got.

0:28:50.760 --> 0:28:54.120
<v Speaker 3>A couple more days before I leave them. Fine, trust me.

0:28:54.760 --> 0:28:56.239
<v Speaker 2>Before I get out of here, I'm gonna find out

0:28:56.240 --> 0:28:58.400
<v Speaker 2>who you are and what would your retaliation be?

0:28:59.440 --> 0:29:00.360
<v Speaker 3>Have you thought of this?

0:29:00.720 --> 0:29:03.760
<v Speaker 2>If you discover that it's Belinda the mcduffin's.

0:29:03.280 --> 0:29:06.560
<v Speaker 1>Or well, that's about Belinda. So she told this. She

0:29:06.680 --> 0:29:08.560
<v Speaker 1>did put a note on someone else's car. She called

0:29:08.560 --> 0:29:09.760
<v Speaker 1>the police, They came.

0:29:09.880 --> 0:29:12.120
<v Speaker 2>Wait, so it's Belinda.

0:29:12.320 --> 0:29:14.400
<v Speaker 1>I really think it could be, but it would be

0:29:14.520 --> 0:29:17.880
<v Speaker 1>wild because she like, really I know her. Well, yeah,

0:29:17.960 --> 0:29:21.160
<v Speaker 1>she's like next door neighbor for a long this one.

0:29:21.000 --> 0:29:23.479
<v Speaker 2>It always is. Don't you watch severance? Isn't this I

0:29:23.520 --> 0:29:26.840
<v Speaker 2>know she's a little Yeah. Yeah, they can fuck you

0:29:26.960 --> 0:29:27.680
<v Speaker 2>up totally.

0:29:27.920 --> 0:29:30.440
<v Speaker 1>But she said to me, at least you feel bad.

0:29:30.560 --> 0:29:32.560
<v Speaker 1>When I put the note on his car. He flipped

0:29:32.600 --> 0:29:32.960
<v Speaker 1>me off.

0:29:34.000 --> 0:29:35.000
<v Speaker 3>Belinda did it.

0:29:35.800 --> 0:29:38.080
<v Speaker 2>And when I put the note on him, that's she

0:29:38.200 --> 0:29:39.360
<v Speaker 2>told herself.

0:29:39.040 --> 0:29:40.200
<v Speaker 3>Right, what are you right?

0:29:40.280 --> 0:29:42.760
<v Speaker 1>Well, because then I said because then I said, yeah,

0:29:42.800 --> 0:29:45.440
<v Speaker 1>I wonder who did it, as in like allowing her

0:29:45.480 --> 0:29:47.239
<v Speaker 1>the opportunity to be like, oh yeah I did it

0:29:47.280 --> 0:29:49.920
<v Speaker 1>because I didn't want the other neighbors or I didn't

0:29:49.920 --> 0:29:52.520
<v Speaker 1>want this, And she looked at me like, yeah, I

0:29:52.560 --> 0:29:53.360
<v Speaker 1>wonder who did it?

0:29:53.440 --> 0:29:55.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah she did it. She did it. She

0:29:56.000 --> 0:29:57.920
<v Speaker 2>told on herself as she did it. She told you

0:29:58.240 --> 0:29:59.920
<v Speaker 2>she put notes on the other people's car. She wanted

0:30:00.000 --> 0:30:01.600
<v Speaker 2>at cart she did it.

0:30:01.880 --> 0:30:02.600
<v Speaker 3>I think so too.

0:30:02.680 --> 0:30:04.600
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so now you got to think about your retaliation.

0:30:05.040 --> 0:30:07.160
<v Speaker 3>I know. But that's the thing.

0:30:07.200 --> 0:30:09.840
<v Speaker 1>It's like across the street, I would be okay with

0:30:10.160 --> 0:30:10.720
<v Speaker 1>next door.

0:30:10.800 --> 0:30:14.120
<v Speaker 2>You love Blinda, it's a little too close to home.

0:30:14.480 --> 0:30:17.600
<v Speaker 2>That's fair, right, it's fair. Well, thank you for that.

0:30:17.640 --> 0:30:19.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna be thinking about Blinda for a long time.

0:30:20.800 --> 0:30:21.320
<v Speaker 3>Paid for her.

0:30:21.600 --> 0:30:31.840
<v Speaker 4>I'm very part. You know what that means. It's time

0:30:31.880 --> 0:30:32.560
<v Speaker 4>for messymail.

0:30:32.640 --> 0:30:35.440
<v Speaker 2>Are you down? I'm beautiful as always.

0:30:35.520 --> 0:30:35.720
<v Speaker 3>Y'all.

0:30:35.760 --> 0:30:40.720
<v Speaker 2>Submissions remain anonymous. This one says I've been having fun

0:30:40.760 --> 0:30:43.760
<v Speaker 2>with sides recently, and I used to make fun of sides.

0:30:43.880 --> 0:30:47.480
<v Speaker 2>I repent sides forever. Do you know what side is?

0:30:47.600 --> 0:30:49.680
<v Speaker 2>I absolutely do ye'ah. If you know what side is

0:30:49.680 --> 0:30:53.040
<v Speaker 2>basically everything with penetration. Has there been anything that you

0:30:53.160 --> 0:30:55.120
<v Speaker 2>used to make fun of, or used to not be

0:30:55.240 --> 0:30:57.680
<v Speaker 2>scared or be scared of, or even have like sexual

0:30:57.720 --> 0:30:59.920
<v Speaker 2>disgust around that you now enjoy?

0:31:00.920 --> 0:31:05.440
<v Speaker 1>Well, oh, that's an interesting question. The side part I'll

0:31:05.480 --> 0:31:08.800
<v Speaker 1>start with. Let's start, which is this is all about

0:31:09.400 --> 0:31:11.400
<v Speaker 1>my By the way, I think, between the last time

0:31:11.400 --> 0:31:12.800
<v Speaker 1>I saw you and now I got a master's in

0:31:12.800 --> 0:31:13.920
<v Speaker 1>gender studies, did I tell you that?

0:31:14.080 --> 0:31:17.880
<v Speaker 2>No? Okay, I casual, I got bored, Oh my god,

0:31:17.920 --> 0:31:19.320
<v Speaker 2>you got bored, and was like, let me go get

0:31:19.320 --> 0:31:20.400
<v Speaker 2>a master's in gender studies.

0:31:20.480 --> 0:31:24.280
<v Speaker 3>Literally, it's technically a master's in history, as my parents would.

0:31:24.040 --> 0:31:28.120
<v Speaker 2>Not beautifle, but you specialized in the gender, story of.

0:31:28.160 --> 0:31:30.920
<v Speaker 1>Gender and sexuality, and I was mostly looking at you know,

0:31:30.960 --> 0:31:34.400
<v Speaker 1>my dissertation was on masculinity in early Soviet cinema, So

0:31:34.440 --> 0:31:38.480
<v Speaker 1>like creation of masculinity, art types, archetypes in film, and

0:31:38.600 --> 0:31:41.800
<v Speaker 1>the connection between the state and I mean literally all

0:31:41.840 --> 0:31:44.040
<v Speaker 1>that we're going through right now, sort of like Stalin

0:31:44.200 --> 0:31:51.040
<v Speaker 1>making a Soviet film industry in order to create masculine men. Yeah,

0:31:51.120 --> 0:31:54.520
<v Speaker 1>and also like, no, you know whatever, very obsessed with

0:31:54.520 --> 0:31:56.360
<v Speaker 1>a very particular type of body type.

0:31:56.480 --> 0:31:58.360
<v Speaker 3>Why are you interested in that?

0:31:58.440 --> 0:32:03.720
<v Speaker 1>Stalin is this series of Soviet exercise films that show

0:32:03.800 --> 0:32:05.800
<v Speaker 1>like the ideal body type and they're very.

0:32:06.160 --> 0:32:08.640
<v Speaker 3>Speaking it porn, very erotic.

0:32:08.760 --> 0:32:11.520
<v Speaker 1>Quite yes, But so anyway, all of this to say,

0:32:11.600 --> 0:32:16.040
<v Speaker 1>this is part of my big push to decenter the

0:32:16.120 --> 0:32:21.360
<v Speaker 1>concept of penetration from sex. So you know, I don't

0:32:21.360 --> 0:32:26.400
<v Speaker 1>identify as a side, I don't really identify as anything.

0:32:27.440 --> 0:32:29.600
<v Speaker 3>In terms of top bottom dichotomy.

0:32:30.000 --> 0:32:32.400
<v Speaker 1>But I think this is a really beautiful way for

0:32:32.520 --> 0:32:37.000
<v Speaker 1>us to think about sex as being more than just penetration.

0:32:37.400 --> 0:32:40.000
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, we always say your sex is not about penetration.

0:32:40.680 --> 0:32:42.760
<v Speaker 2>I say, not just about penetration, But I really do

0:32:42.840 --> 0:32:45.920
<v Speaker 2>think it's not about penetration. Penetration is that one of

0:32:45.960 --> 0:32:48.640
<v Speaker 2>the tools you have in your sex box, but it's not.

0:32:49.520 --> 0:32:51.560
<v Speaker 2>It shouldn't be the go to, shouldn't be the only

0:32:52.160 --> 0:32:55.880
<v Speaker 2>It should be part of a larger masterpiece, if you will.

0:32:57.000 --> 0:32:59.600
<v Speaker 2>And so the sides thing, you know, I used to

0:32:59.600 --> 0:33:01.640
<v Speaker 2>hear a lot of I would see like a lot

0:33:01.640 --> 0:33:04.520
<v Speaker 2>of just even like other podcasts or sex podcasts that

0:33:04.560 --> 0:33:06.760
<v Speaker 2>would be disparaging towards sides, And like, what is that?

0:33:07.080 --> 0:33:11.120
<v Speaker 2>I was like, first of all, I really do hate

0:33:11.200 --> 0:33:16.040
<v Speaker 2>when marginalized groups then try to oppress other people. It's

0:33:16.080 --> 0:33:20.200
<v Speaker 2>like people are disgusted by, you know, top and bottoming,

0:33:20.680 --> 0:33:23.520
<v Speaker 2>by gay sex, so like why would you then take

0:33:23.520 --> 0:33:25.240
<v Speaker 2>that disgust and put it on people who are like

0:33:25.600 --> 0:33:27.280
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to do any of this or whatever

0:33:27.280 --> 0:33:30.560
<v Speaker 2>that is. But the other thing is what I've learned

0:33:30.880 --> 0:33:35.480
<v Speaker 2>is that I've actually had more intense orgasms not penetrating

0:33:35.880 --> 0:33:38.000
<v Speaker 2>like penetration. I love it, don't get me wrong, gir

0:33:38.120 --> 0:33:41.400
<v Speaker 2>I love it, but I have had really like transformative

0:33:41.760 --> 0:33:45.120
<v Speaker 2>sexual experiences that involved no penetration. And so I actually

0:33:45.160 --> 0:33:51.160
<v Speaker 2>think the sides are onto something quite incredible that actually

0:33:51.360 --> 0:33:55.720
<v Speaker 2>accentuates the pleasure of sex, because sometimes the penetration is

0:33:55.760 --> 0:33:57.600
<v Speaker 2>what we rely on. It's like when we fall back

0:33:57.640 --> 0:33:59.640
<v Speaker 2>on put the dick in, so we know we had sex,

0:33:59.720 --> 0:34:03.240
<v Speaker 2>it's but did you have pleasure? Was it? Was it transformative?

0:34:03.360 --> 0:34:06.479
<v Speaker 2>Was it uh sexy? Was it like or was it

0:34:06.520 --> 0:34:08.320
<v Speaker 2>just like you put a dig in a hole? Whereas

0:34:08.320 --> 0:34:10.799
<v Speaker 2>when you're when you're side and and you know, I

0:34:10.800 --> 0:34:13.239
<v Speaker 2>think that there are a lot of queer folks who

0:34:13.239 --> 0:34:14.920
<v Speaker 2>know this, but it's like when you don't penetrate and

0:34:14.960 --> 0:34:17.600
<v Speaker 2>you're just you're playing with your fingers, your mouth, your spit,

0:34:17.719 --> 0:34:22.200
<v Speaker 2>You're like you're just heightening, heightening the experience. And it's

0:34:22.440 --> 0:34:24.960
<v Speaker 2>so to this person, Yes, sides forever and prolonging.

0:34:25.040 --> 0:34:26.959
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I think a lot of it also comes

0:34:26.960 --> 0:34:29.480
<v Speaker 1>down to, like why do we think of penetration as

0:34:29.520 --> 0:34:33.920
<v Speaker 1>the main event? Like socialized exactly and very like male

0:34:34.120 --> 0:34:38.200
<v Speaker 1>sentest patriot, yes, right, whereas even.

0:34:37.960 --> 0:34:40.680
<v Speaker 2>Sex education revolves around what it's a dick do?

0:34:40.920 --> 0:34:44.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, exactly exactly where you know, lesbians have been having

0:34:44.280 --> 0:34:49.399
<v Speaker 1>non absolutely non penetrative sex for forever, yes, and yeah,

0:34:49.400 --> 0:34:53.600
<v Speaker 1>so I wouldn't say that I made fun of sides ever,

0:34:54.600 --> 0:34:57.759
<v Speaker 1>I definitely like had that same thought of like, oh,

0:34:57.760 --> 0:35:00.799
<v Speaker 1>maybe sex hasn't happened if penetration hasn't happened. Sure, but

0:35:00.880 --> 0:35:03.480
<v Speaker 1>have been actively working to to change that.

0:35:03.600 --> 0:35:06.120
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I think we all have right Like it literally is.

0:35:06.360 --> 0:35:08.279
<v Speaker 2>I was talking about my sex head classes, which were

0:35:08.320 --> 0:35:10.960
<v Speaker 2>literally put a condom on, and so even just even

0:35:11.000 --> 0:35:13.080
<v Speaker 2>though that was the extent of the sex said class

0:35:13.120 --> 0:35:15.680
<v Speaker 2>in middle school, it was clearly telling me that, like

0:35:16.080 --> 0:35:18.759
<v Speaker 2>the the dick is going in this hole. Yeah, and

0:35:18.800 --> 0:35:20.560
<v Speaker 2>that is what we're going to call sex. There was

0:35:20.680 --> 0:35:24.480
<v Speaker 2>never anything about you know, we talk about I CANi

0:35:24.480 --> 0:35:28.200
<v Speaker 2>finding your turn ons using the term beama. So your body, environment, mood, accoutrement.

0:35:28.360 --> 0:35:30.000
<v Speaker 2>So we're on your body. Do you like to be

0:35:30.040 --> 0:35:32.080
<v Speaker 2>touched or kissed or licked? Where do you like to

0:35:32.120 --> 0:35:34.439
<v Speaker 2>have sexy environment? What kind of vibes do you want?

0:35:34.520 --> 0:35:37.319
<v Speaker 2>The mood and the accoutrement? What do you need? Yes?

0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:39.600
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely so when you think about accoutrements, you need to

0:35:39.640 --> 0:35:40.880
<v Speaker 2>trap one. Do you need lube? Do you need a

0:35:40.920 --> 0:35:45.600
<v Speaker 2>cockran We're not taught to like expand and think about

0:35:45.840 --> 0:35:50.040
<v Speaker 2>the think about sex as an experience not just an event.

0:35:50.360 --> 0:35:50.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:35:51.000 --> 0:35:53.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And to your point about that sex education, it's

0:35:53.120 --> 0:35:54.840
<v Speaker 1>also a very straight focus.

0:35:54.960 --> 0:35:57.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, oh yeah, yeah for sure, head for sure.

0:35:58.080 --> 0:36:01.200
<v Speaker 1>And I get it, Like a big part of our

0:36:01.239 --> 0:36:05.879
<v Speaker 1>sex education growing up was, you know, to oh, we're

0:36:05.880 --> 0:36:06.799
<v Speaker 1>both from Georgia.

0:36:06.880 --> 0:36:09.120
<v Speaker 2>I went to school in Georgia from you. Oh that's right, yeah,

0:36:12.880 --> 0:36:13.799
<v Speaker 2>go to high school in Georgia.

0:36:13.880 --> 0:36:14.560
<v Speaker 3>Yes, that's right.

0:36:15.560 --> 0:36:17.840
<v Speaker 1>You know, Like my school was a very it was

0:36:17.840 --> 0:36:23.360
<v Speaker 1>a liberal school, but obviously parents were worried about pregnancy

0:36:23.680 --> 0:36:27.400
<v Speaker 1>and and STDs. So it's very focused on like a

0:36:27.480 --> 0:36:30.560
<v Speaker 1>fear based you know whatever. But and I get that,

0:36:30.600 --> 0:36:33.879
<v Speaker 1>like you don't want your kids getting pregnant, you don't

0:36:33.880 --> 0:36:36.400
<v Speaker 1>want to be responsible for teaching kids sex education. Then

0:36:36.400 --> 0:36:38.560
<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden, everyone's pregnant. Sure, there's some like

0:36:38.600 --> 0:36:40.920
<v Speaker 1>fear there, but then yeah, you kind of grew up

0:36:40.960 --> 0:36:42.759
<v Speaker 1>and you're like, okay, well how do how do we

0:36:42.800 --> 0:36:43.080
<v Speaker 1>do it?

0:36:43.120 --> 0:36:43.319
<v Speaker 3>Then?

0:36:43.480 --> 0:36:46.080
<v Speaker 1>And also, lets what does it mean? You know, like

0:36:46.080 --> 0:36:50.560
<v Speaker 1>what does virginity even mean in the context of a

0:36:50.600 --> 0:36:54.319
<v Speaker 1>gay male relationship, yes, or a lesbian relationship you know.

0:36:54.280 --> 0:36:56.400
<v Speaker 2>Well, even the idea of virginity like what like this

0:36:56.640 --> 0:36:59.960
<v Speaker 2>exactly folding of purity and that like you're not pure

0:37:00.040 --> 0:37:02.799
<v Speaker 2>if you like all of that which is more so

0:37:02.920 --> 0:37:06.799
<v Speaker 2>pressure on the volva owners the female You're like, you know,

0:37:07.040 --> 0:37:09.480
<v Speaker 2>you have to keep it for your wedding day or whatever.

0:37:10.360 --> 0:37:13.400
<v Speaker 2>You always don't have the same the same pressure in

0:37:13.400 --> 0:37:15.239
<v Speaker 2>that social pressure in that way. But it's like what

0:37:15.320 --> 0:37:18.520
<v Speaker 2>is who? I always think about, like who is that for?

0:37:19.239 --> 0:37:22.160
<v Speaker 2>Right when you when you adopt some of those values

0:37:22.200 --> 0:37:24.480
<v Speaker 2>as your own, I think as an adult, it's pulling

0:37:24.480 --> 0:37:27.080
<v Speaker 2>out and being like, well, who is that for? Even

0:37:27.080 --> 0:37:28.800
<v Speaker 2>when I think about like being a quote unquote ho,

0:37:29.520 --> 0:37:32.239
<v Speaker 2>which you will describe as like you're miscuous or you

0:37:32.320 --> 0:37:34.279
<v Speaker 2>sleep with a lot of people or you have a

0:37:34.320 --> 0:37:38.279
<v Speaker 2>lot of sex. But the shame around that, it's like, well,

0:37:38.280 --> 0:37:41.440
<v Speaker 2>whose shame is that? Like why should you have shame about?

0:37:42.040 --> 0:37:44.040
<v Speaker 2>You're taking care of yourself, your body, your partners, like

0:37:44.120 --> 0:37:46.040
<v Speaker 2>fuck as people you want, Why should you feel shame

0:37:46.080 --> 0:37:51.200
<v Speaker 2>around that? Who does that? Who do is you having shame? Benefit?

0:37:51.960 --> 0:37:53.880
<v Speaker 2>And I think women know this well right, Like it

0:37:54.000 --> 0:37:57.279
<v Speaker 2>benefits It keeps women in their place for them to

0:37:57.280 --> 0:37:59.279
<v Speaker 2>feel a shame, whereas boys can you know, put their

0:37:59.280 --> 0:38:01.040
<v Speaker 2>dick in anything and do whatever they want and we're

0:38:01.040 --> 0:38:06.200
<v Speaker 2>like go off babe, right wow, Okay, good side, good

0:38:06.280 --> 0:38:09.600
<v Speaker 2>resides listen, don't please do not knock aside for any reason,

0:38:09.600 --> 0:38:16.040
<v Speaker 2>but especially like they are actually uh experiencing experiencing the body.

0:38:16.160 --> 0:38:16.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:38:16.600 --> 0:38:19.799
<v Speaker 1>And also last thing I would say, I I have

0:38:19.880 --> 0:38:22.319
<v Speaker 1>been talking with a lot of friends who've been experiencing

0:38:22.440 --> 0:38:23.799
<v Speaker 1>a lot of bottom anxiety.

0:38:24.560 --> 0:38:27.680
<v Speaker 2>And there's just what's anxiety coming from from seration?

0:38:28.000 --> 0:38:30.600
<v Speaker 1>Yes, ex Actually there's a lot of like, you know,

0:38:30.680 --> 0:38:35.560
<v Speaker 1>logistics that have to happen in anal sex that people

0:38:35.760 --> 0:38:40.680
<v Speaker 1>that make it perhaps less spontaneous sometimes.

0:38:40.160 --> 0:38:41.520
<v Speaker 3>Or less available.

0:38:41.760 --> 0:38:44.479
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And so I think that is a really great

0:38:44.480 --> 0:38:47.879
<v Speaker 1>way to remove that pressure from yourself from your relationship

0:38:48.360 --> 0:38:51.600
<v Speaker 1>where you can still feel like you've had sex.

0:38:51.320 --> 0:38:54.360
<v Speaker 3>With yeah, having to penetrate absolutely.

0:38:54.440 --> 0:38:57.360
<v Speaker 2>I because let me say this about bottoming, because for me,

0:38:57.960 --> 0:39:02.360
<v Speaker 2>douching takes like forty five minutes to an hour. I

0:39:02.800 --> 0:39:04.200
<v Speaker 2>don't know if I want to do that for averybody.

0:39:04.480 --> 0:39:05.919
<v Speaker 2>You know, like if I'm going out to a sex

0:39:05.920 --> 0:39:08.279
<v Speaker 2>party and like I can whatever, like go off, but

0:39:08.400 --> 0:39:10.640
<v Speaker 2>like just as a time in a place of absolutely,

0:39:10.760 --> 0:39:14.920
<v Speaker 2>if I'm in Madrid, honey, get you understand, I'm not

0:39:14.960 --> 0:39:18.239
<v Speaker 2>walking out, I'm not stepping out the door without being

0:39:18.600 --> 0:39:21.800
<v Speaker 2>douched and ready. But in general it's like, oh, I'm

0:39:21.840 --> 0:39:23.640
<v Speaker 2>just meeting this new person. I don't know if I

0:39:23.680 --> 0:39:26.239
<v Speaker 2>want to do all that for this because I don't

0:39:26.280 --> 0:39:28.719
<v Speaker 2>know what this chemistry is going to be. And so

0:39:29.040 --> 0:39:31.360
<v Speaker 2>there's something about taking that off the table that also

0:39:31.440 --> 0:39:34.759
<v Speaker 2>allows I find for myself, allows me to just like

0:39:35.280 --> 0:39:39.799
<v Speaker 2>show up and be as opposed to having anxiety over well,

0:39:40.000 --> 0:39:42.600
<v Speaker 2>this is the penetration going to be good? Like what

0:39:42.680 --> 0:39:44.879
<v Speaker 2>do I Did I eat enough? Did I not eat enough?

0:39:44.880 --> 0:39:47.480
<v Speaker 2>All that stuff around somebody who I may not even

0:39:47.520 --> 0:39:49.919
<v Speaker 2>be excited about having sex with quite yet.

0:39:50.000 --> 0:39:52.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, we've already established that angry is a bad

0:39:52.680 --> 0:39:53.000
<v Speaker 3>place for.

0:39:53.120 --> 0:39:55.759
<v Speaker 2>Hungry is a bad place to be. It's just not

0:39:56.040 --> 0:39:58.319
<v Speaker 2>it's just not you do not want to have sex

0:39:58.400 --> 0:40:02.319
<v Speaker 2>hungry because sex and athletic. That's right, you need come on,

0:40:02.480 --> 0:40:04.720
<v Speaker 2>so you need to have calories in you. But it's

0:40:04.760 --> 0:40:08.279
<v Speaker 2>there is a there's a math, there's a budgeting that

0:40:08.280 --> 0:40:11.279
<v Speaker 2>that's a budgeting of food that happens, and I don't

0:40:11.280 --> 0:40:13.719
<v Speaker 2>want to do that for everybody, And so I think

0:40:13.760 --> 0:40:16.080
<v Speaker 2>it's totally fair to be like, there's no penetration on

0:40:16.080 --> 0:40:18.439
<v Speaker 2>the table and we get to and I think that

0:40:18.840 --> 0:40:20.520
<v Speaker 2>when you say that up front or when I said

0:40:20.520 --> 0:40:22.120
<v Speaker 2>that up front, where it's like what are you looking

0:40:22.160 --> 0:40:23.919
<v Speaker 2>for out of this? Or like maybe we're not gonna

0:40:23.920 --> 0:40:26.920
<v Speaker 2>have penetration, We're just gonna hang both of us. I think,

0:40:27.000 --> 0:40:31.200
<v Speaker 2>just like exhale, there are scenarios where you know the

0:40:31.200 --> 0:40:33.840
<v Speaker 2>person may not excel because all they want is pussy

0:40:33.960 --> 0:40:37.759
<v Speaker 2>it from someone who's actually really wants to get to

0:40:37.760 --> 0:40:39.680
<v Speaker 2>know you and wants to take that time. I think

0:40:39.880 --> 0:40:41.759
<v Speaker 2>we'll exhale with you on that and be like cool,

0:40:41.800 --> 0:40:44.279
<v Speaker 2>like no pressure there, because also topping is pressure, let

0:40:44.280 --> 0:40:46.080
<v Speaker 2>me not, let me not, you know, bottoming is pressure,

0:40:46.080 --> 0:40:48.799
<v Speaker 2>but also topping and lasting and totally not coming too

0:40:48.800 --> 0:40:52.520
<v Speaker 2>soon is its own set of anxiety. Yeah yeah, actually

0:40:52.520 --> 0:40:55.879
<v Speaker 2>wait I love this one. Hold on this one says

0:40:56.520 --> 0:40:58.400
<v Speaker 2>went to a sex cleve with two men and my

0:40:58.520 --> 0:41:02.040
<v Speaker 2>ex was working the door. Are he watched? I win

0:41:02.920 --> 0:41:09.000
<v Speaker 2>that your face? Your face, your face, tell me what

0:41:09.040 --> 0:41:13.440
<v Speaker 2>your face? Your feelings are high? Stakes are high. But

0:41:13.600 --> 0:41:16.200
<v Speaker 2>how satisfying to go to a sex club with two

0:41:16.560 --> 0:41:19.920
<v Speaker 2>beautiful men and your ex is working the door and

0:41:20.800 --> 0:41:22.200
<v Speaker 2>then he has to watch you gif up.

0:41:22.200 --> 0:41:25.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeh up, Okay see that feeling, Yes, is what I

0:41:25.480 --> 0:41:27.680
<v Speaker 1>want from my when I get back in my neighbors.

0:41:30.800 --> 0:41:32.000
<v Speaker 3>That is exactly.

0:41:32.160 --> 0:41:34.640
<v Speaker 2>I don't know how that's what you want with Melinda.

0:41:35.400 --> 0:41:39.360
<v Speaker 2>I want Belinda to watch me win. Yes, yeah, that

0:41:39.520 --> 0:41:44.880
<v Speaker 2>is correct. There's no better high. Absolutely, success is the

0:41:44.880 --> 0:41:48.640
<v Speaker 2>best Forbade absolutely to succeed. I just feel like this

0:41:48.800 --> 0:41:51.520
<v Speaker 2>scenario is like the perfect end to a rom com.

0:41:51.560 --> 0:41:56.240
<v Speaker 2>That's right, that's exactly whe my head went to. I'm like, yes,

0:41:56.600 --> 0:41:58.680
<v Speaker 2>so she got the boys and her ma has to

0:41:58.719 --> 0:42:04.320
<v Speaker 2>watch her excess to watch when this person ended. I win? Absolutely,

0:42:04.360 --> 0:42:07.000
<v Speaker 2>maybe you you did win? You know in the air.

0:42:08.200 --> 0:42:10.200
<v Speaker 1>I want to know what happened in that breakup. I

0:42:10.200 --> 0:42:12.640
<v Speaker 1>want to know, like the short of the juice, the details,

0:42:12.719 --> 0:42:14.359
<v Speaker 1>how did we get to here? We get how did

0:42:14.360 --> 0:42:15.960
<v Speaker 1>we get to this breakup? And how did we get

0:42:16.000 --> 0:42:19.000
<v Speaker 1>to the ex working the door at the sex party? Yeah,

0:42:19.160 --> 0:42:23.040
<v Speaker 1>I would you know? In our scripted version, I think

0:42:23.080 --> 0:42:24.719
<v Speaker 1>you know that your ex is working the door.

0:42:24.880 --> 0:42:25.399
<v Speaker 3>That's right.

0:42:26.160 --> 0:42:28.960
<v Speaker 1>Well, that's that's with the rom com that it could

0:42:29.000 --> 0:42:32.719
<v Speaker 1>go two ways. Be like, that's the fantasy, that's what

0:42:32.719 --> 0:42:36.040
<v Speaker 1>we're like aiming for, and then the reality is more

0:42:36.160 --> 0:42:39.200
<v Speaker 1>like the guys who show up aren't that hot.

0:42:40.600 --> 0:42:42.719
<v Speaker 3>You can't get into the club, or you know.

0:42:42.680 --> 0:42:45.440
<v Speaker 2>But what I want is that the guys are gorgeous

0:42:46.200 --> 0:42:49.160
<v Speaker 2>and and you do get in just to watch. I

0:42:50.040 --> 0:42:52.800
<v Speaker 2>love that. And your ex tries to get into the

0:42:52.840 --> 0:42:55.360
<v Speaker 2>club and for whatever reason, the club forgets he works.

0:42:55.120 --> 0:42:56.359
<v Speaker 3>There, and then kick him out.

0:42:56.760 --> 0:43:02.440
<v Speaker 2>The X gets fired fired on the shift, and then

0:43:02.440 --> 0:43:04.400
<v Speaker 2>your VIP all night and they give you free drinks.

0:43:04.440 --> 0:43:06.879
<v Speaker 2>This is this is the fantasy that I want for all.

0:43:06.920 --> 0:43:08.439
<v Speaker 3>You do it you do?

0:43:09.239 --> 0:43:10.840
<v Speaker 2>Okay. This one says I'm going on a date with

0:43:10.840 --> 0:43:14.279
<v Speaker 2>a girl. My former situationship is also seeing. Do I

0:43:14.320 --> 0:43:17.600
<v Speaker 2>steal his girl? I mean that would be mess.

0:43:17.360 --> 0:43:22.759
<v Speaker 1>See, Okay, I'm going okay, so let me just yeah.

0:43:22.160 --> 0:43:23.920
<v Speaker 2>Let's do the math. I'm going on a date with

0:43:24.040 --> 0:43:28.799
<v Speaker 2>a girl. My former situationship is also seeing. Okay, do

0:43:28.880 --> 0:43:33.239
<v Speaker 2>I steal his girl? So the girl is the mutual? Yeah,

0:43:33.400 --> 0:43:36.520
<v Speaker 2>these two people are both engaged. Yes, do you have

0:43:36.640 --> 0:43:39.879
<v Speaker 2>the power to steal the girl? You better say that.

0:43:41.239 --> 0:43:44.040
<v Speaker 2>You better say that. Also, if you're both seeing her,

0:43:44.160 --> 0:43:47.000
<v Speaker 2>it's not his girl. She don't belong to nobody, that's right,

0:43:47.200 --> 0:43:49.280
<v Speaker 2>she's her own. She's obviously dating.

0:43:49.440 --> 0:43:49.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:43:50.080 --> 0:43:52.680
<v Speaker 1>I was gonna say, I hate to break it. You're

0:43:52.719 --> 0:43:54.240
<v Speaker 1>in the power.

0:43:54.880 --> 0:43:58.360
<v Speaker 2>I don't actually know if you can, she's the one

0:43:58.400 --> 0:43:59.200
<v Speaker 2>who's actually winning.

0:44:00.840 --> 0:44:03.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, Like, wait a minute, then you're in the passage.

0:44:03.280 --> 0:44:08.399
<v Speaker 2>See absolutely, I mean, but but I do respect. Here's

0:44:08.400 --> 0:44:10.000
<v Speaker 2>the thing. If you're asking should you see his girl,

0:44:10.040 --> 0:44:12.319
<v Speaker 2>I'm assuming that situation ship did not work out well?

0:44:12.360 --> 0:44:15.320
<v Speaker 2>But also how messy is that because you were in

0:44:15.360 --> 0:44:17.520
<v Speaker 2>a situation with that person and now they're with this person,

0:44:17.520 --> 0:44:19.200
<v Speaker 2>but you're also seeing that person, so he's in a

0:44:19.239 --> 0:44:25.000
<v Speaker 2>situationship with that person. So why are you trying to think?

0:44:25.160 --> 0:44:28.160
<v Speaker 3>If I can tell this story a friend.

0:44:28.840 --> 0:44:30.839
<v Speaker 2>And whatever, we can foozball it, youkay, we can edit

0:44:30.840 --> 0:44:31.760
<v Speaker 2>things out, so go ahead.

0:44:31.840 --> 0:44:35.719
<v Speaker 1>Well okay, okay, I'll tell it, and I'll i'll we'll

0:44:35.760 --> 0:44:39.400
<v Speaker 1>see if it feels abstracted. Okay, So basically, this exact

0:44:39.440 --> 0:44:43.919
<v Speaker 1>situation is happening. Happened to a friend of mine where

0:44:43.960 --> 0:44:47.399
<v Speaker 1>she was seeing this guy for a long time and

0:44:47.520 --> 0:44:49.720
<v Speaker 1>just kind of like not the vibe.

0:44:49.800 --> 0:44:50.000
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:44:50.160 --> 0:44:53.480
<v Speaker 3>He kind of.

0:44:53.520 --> 0:44:56.000
<v Speaker 1>Is like got a little too big for his britches,

0:44:56.520 --> 0:45:00.360
<v Speaker 1>very small community, but feels like that's it. He's like

0:45:00.360 --> 0:45:03.279
<v Speaker 1>his little king of his little castle, you know. And

0:45:03.320 --> 0:45:06.799
<v Speaker 1>she's globally minded. She's like here, she's there, she's like,

0:45:07.040 --> 0:45:11.360
<v Speaker 1>your little castle is really like a place at but

0:45:11.360 --> 0:45:17.359
<v Speaker 1>but go off right drager. So anyway, they're kind of

0:45:17.400 --> 0:45:25.520
<v Speaker 1>like separating. He I think he had sex with someone

0:45:25.560 --> 0:45:27.959
<v Speaker 1>who was married, a woman who was married, and sort

0:45:28.000 --> 0:45:31.880
<v Speaker 1>of like prompted the divorce was already happening, right, but

0:45:32.000 --> 0:45:36.680
<v Speaker 1>definitely like that was yeah, there was like an overlap, right,

0:45:36.800 --> 0:45:38.840
<v Speaker 1>like they had already decided it was going out whatever.

0:45:40.080 --> 0:45:43.440
<v Speaker 1>This friend ends up going out for a work drinks

0:45:43.960 --> 0:45:46.680
<v Speaker 1>a random guy who has reached out to her and like, oh,

0:45:46.719 --> 0:45:48.640
<v Speaker 1>I found your information and like I really want to

0:45:48.640 --> 0:45:51.600
<v Speaker 1>talk to you about your work. I think, like what

0:45:51.719 --> 0:45:54.080
<v Speaker 1>like five or ten minutes into the conversation, he's like,

0:45:54.280 --> 0:45:55.640
<v Speaker 1>you know your ex is fucking my.

0:45:55.640 --> 0:46:02.640
<v Speaker 3>Wife, Isn't that wild?

0:46:03.080 --> 0:46:05.960
<v Speaker 2>Clark. I can't imagine showing up, getting myself dressed to

0:46:05.960 --> 0:46:08.760
<v Speaker 2>go to what I thought mean a work meeting. Honey,

0:46:08.800 --> 0:46:11.720
<v Speaker 2>I'm ready, I got my iPad, I got my files

0:46:11.760 --> 0:46:14.240
<v Speaker 2>on the computer. It's like work on the pitch. It's

0:46:14.560 --> 0:46:17.960
<v Speaker 2>noon on a Tuesday. It's a fresh noon on a Tuesday.

0:46:18.000 --> 0:46:20.600
<v Speaker 2>I am ready. I show up to this meeting. And

0:46:20.640 --> 0:46:22.799
<v Speaker 2>then five minutes into what I think is a work meeting,

0:46:22.840 --> 0:46:30.919
<v Speaker 2>this man says, your ex is sucking my wife. Yeah,

0:46:31.800 --> 0:46:33.720
<v Speaker 2>what do you say?

0:46:34.160 --> 0:46:35.760
<v Speaker 1>You called the waiter and you say, you know, actually

0:46:36.040 --> 0:46:39.320
<v Speaker 1>that coffee, Let me get the Martin. She was like, okay,

0:46:39.360 --> 0:46:43.640
<v Speaker 1>so this is not a work meeting. I want that

0:46:43.680 --> 0:46:45.920
<v Speaker 1>to be her next line, Oh so this is an

0:46:46.000 --> 0:46:46.439
<v Speaker 1>org meeting.

0:46:46.719 --> 0:46:54.000
<v Speaker 3>I got it. So no, I'm like, I.

0:46:56.000 --> 0:46:58.600
<v Speaker 1>See the messiness. I get the messiness. I think this

0:46:58.600 --> 0:47:01.920
<v Speaker 1>this particular person who's written in, I think you're just

0:47:01.960 --> 0:47:04.279
<v Speaker 1>along for the ride. Yeah, I think you enjoy it.

0:47:04.320 --> 0:47:06.880
<v Speaker 1>I also think, you know, it can be fun to

0:47:07.040 --> 0:47:10.360
<v Speaker 1>engage in, like getting back at you know, the.

0:47:12.680 --> 0:47:13.040
<v Speaker 3>Fine.

0:47:13.600 --> 0:47:17.960
<v Speaker 2>But also also why why I do think like listen,

0:47:18.080 --> 0:47:21.480
<v Speaker 2>I love I love the petty stories, and I love

0:47:21.480 --> 0:47:25.000
<v Speaker 2>the petty fantasies. We love a fantasy. But I think

0:47:25.040 --> 0:47:27.799
<v Speaker 2>sometimes in executing it, it's just like it would just

0:47:27.800 --> 0:47:29.520
<v Speaker 2>be easier for you to just move on, you know

0:47:29.560 --> 0:47:31.359
<v Speaker 2>what I'm saying, Like, you know, it's like we don't

0:47:31.360 --> 0:47:33.120
<v Speaker 2>need that karma, we don't need the whatever, Like I

0:47:33.120 --> 0:47:35.600
<v Speaker 2>don't need to because then also like if if you're

0:47:35.640 --> 0:47:38.359
<v Speaker 2>stealing quote unquote stealing the girl, then now she's kind

0:47:38.400 --> 0:47:40.640
<v Speaker 2>of a random heart that gets pulled into this, which

0:47:40.640 --> 0:47:43.319
<v Speaker 2>is exactly. You're doing this because you want to get

0:47:43.320 --> 0:47:45.279
<v Speaker 2>back at that person, but this is she's actually trying

0:47:45.280 --> 0:47:48.120
<v Speaker 2>to date you, and so now you know, it just

0:47:48.120 --> 0:47:51.799
<v Speaker 2>becomes murky and more people get hurt than need to

0:47:51.800 --> 0:47:54.799
<v Speaker 2>be hurt. And so I'm like, have the fantasies play

0:47:54.840 --> 0:47:56.640
<v Speaker 2>it out. If it works out that you show up

0:47:56.719 --> 0:47:59.200
<v Speaker 2>at the club with your two men your ex is

0:47:59.239 --> 0:48:01.879
<v Speaker 2>working the door, fabulous, like, if that's how it works out,

0:48:01.880 --> 0:48:03.839
<v Speaker 2>But otherwise move on.

0:48:04.000 --> 0:48:06.720
<v Speaker 1>You know, you know that is the exact difference between

0:48:06.719 --> 0:48:10.920
<v Speaker 1>those two where the serendipity of the moment of showing

0:48:10.960 --> 0:48:14.120
<v Speaker 1>up at the club the magic. You know, you're you

0:48:14.160 --> 0:48:16.000
<v Speaker 1>are just living your life. As you said, living a

0:48:16.040 --> 0:48:19.239
<v Speaker 1>good life is the best revenge. Yes, absolutely, go for it,

0:48:19.280 --> 0:48:21.440
<v Speaker 1>live a good life. If you get that moment, you.

0:48:21.440 --> 0:48:24.640
<v Speaker 2>Get that way, yes, yes, But to seek it out, yeah,

0:48:24.800 --> 0:48:27.279
<v Speaker 2>I'm always like keep your side of the street clean.

0:48:27.120 --> 0:48:35.239
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely, you know, like your car park move it every.

0:48:37.360 --> 0:48:41.400
<v Speaker 2>Okay, this, I'm like, let it go. While you're like

0:48:41.520 --> 0:48:43.359
<v Speaker 2>still plotting, I'm about to get I have a couple

0:48:43.400 --> 0:48:44.279
<v Speaker 2>of days, so I leave.

0:48:44.400 --> 0:48:47.040
<v Speaker 3>I say, not gonna catch.

0:48:46.960 --> 0:48:50.120
<v Speaker 2>Up in a red handed You should park another car

0:48:51.920 --> 0:48:53.879
<v Speaker 2>for the next seventy two hours and then just put

0:48:53.880 --> 0:48:55.960
<v Speaker 2>a camera on it and wait because they want to

0:48:56.040 --> 0:48:57.840
<v Speaker 2>hit that car too. That's right, So you should you

0:48:57.840 --> 0:48:59.080
<v Speaker 2>should like go to like what is it?

0:49:00.200 --> 0:49:04.719
<v Speaker 1>Oh, enterprise, enterprise, you're gonna know what I just so

0:49:05.200 --> 0:49:08.520
<v Speaker 1>I have a ring camera. I haven't thought to look

0:49:08.520 --> 0:49:12.440
<v Speaker 1>at the goodness because it's not my house and it's

0:49:12.480 --> 0:49:14.560
<v Speaker 1>a it's a family house, and I but there's a

0:49:14.640 --> 0:49:16.080
<v Speaker 1>ring can I just learned that.

0:49:16.000 --> 0:49:18.320
<v Speaker 3>They record, they pay for the recording service.

0:49:18.880 --> 0:49:22.640
<v Speaker 2>We're about to catch Melinda in the act. That's right, Okay, Yeah,

0:49:22.680 --> 0:49:25.280
<v Speaker 2>If that doesn't work though, they get the car from enterprise.

0:49:27.400 --> 0:49:36.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna find it out one way or another. This

0:49:36.280 --> 0:49:38.200
<v Speaker 2>one says I got a promotion last week and almost

0:49:38.200 --> 0:49:42.399
<v Speaker 2>celebrated by blowing a coworker in the bathroom. Oh that's

0:49:42.400 --> 0:49:46.120
<v Speaker 2>what I said. I have. I'll say this. I've always

0:49:46.560 --> 0:49:48.399
<v Speaker 2>when I guess when I get like some kind of win,

0:49:48.440 --> 0:49:51.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm always like, give me cookies to dinner. But I've

0:49:51.719 --> 0:49:54.560
<v Speaker 2>never gotten a promotion at work and then thought to

0:49:54.680 --> 0:49:58.520
<v Speaker 2>suck in fact, the opposite, right, because if I got

0:49:58.520 --> 0:50:01.200
<v Speaker 2>a promotion, cars looking at me even more.

0:50:01.440 --> 0:50:01.880
<v Speaker 3>Sure.

0:50:02.520 --> 0:50:04.920
<v Speaker 2>It sounds like this person just wants to blow the color.

0:50:07.120 --> 0:50:08.680
<v Speaker 2>That is what it sounds like. You're just like you

0:50:08.719 --> 0:50:09.799
<v Speaker 2>need an excuse to suck.

0:50:09.880 --> 0:50:15.480
<v Speaker 1>This person walks in and then like, oh it's Monday, blows.

0:50:15.520 --> 0:50:17.840
<v Speaker 3>Nothing to do with the promotion. Really, I got a promotion.

0:50:17.920 --> 0:50:18.960
<v Speaker 2>Where's my coworker? Right?

0:50:19.440 --> 0:50:22.760
<v Speaker 1>I can relate to that sometimes. I mean, Mindy Kayling

0:50:22.880 --> 0:50:24.800
<v Speaker 1>was just talking about this in an interview, not blowing

0:50:24.840 --> 0:50:29.480
<v Speaker 1>a coworker, but I think it was in her conversation

0:50:29.560 --> 0:50:31.840
<v Speaker 1>with Kate Hudson at the ninety second Street Why, like

0:50:31.840 --> 0:50:34.439
<v Speaker 1>a couple of weeks ago, talking about her show Running Point,

0:50:34.440 --> 0:50:36.560
<v Speaker 1>which I love, Yes, And she was talking about how,

0:50:36.840 --> 0:50:38.880
<v Speaker 1>you know, the office obviously comes up a lot because

0:50:39.040 --> 0:50:43.520
<v Speaker 1>it was her first big job, and how office places romances,

0:50:44.000 --> 0:50:46.719
<v Speaker 1>how common they are, and how it makes sense that

0:50:46.760 --> 0:50:48.600
<v Speaker 1>you fall in love with the people that you're spending

0:50:48.920 --> 0:50:53.279
<v Speaker 1>fifty hours, Yeah, the intimacy that builds, yes, and also

0:50:53.360 --> 0:50:55.840
<v Speaker 1>how they're kind of I mean similar to severance. How

0:50:55.880 --> 0:50:59.279
<v Speaker 1>they are these liminal spaces where you like go out

0:50:59.320 --> 0:51:02.239
<v Speaker 1>into the world, yeah, and live your lives, but then

0:51:02.760 --> 0:51:04.319
<v Speaker 1>you have these separate that.

0:51:04.320 --> 0:51:05.839
<v Speaker 3>Only you guys know about your work.

0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:08.880
<v Speaker 2>Ye, it's half your life.

0:51:08.960 --> 0:51:11.000
<v Speaker 1>I mean, you know, it's it's and it's also the

0:51:11.040 --> 0:51:13.200
<v Speaker 1>thing that provides for the rest of your life, which

0:51:13.200 --> 0:51:16.040
<v Speaker 1>is two thing. But so I know that feeling and

0:51:16.080 --> 0:51:19.080
<v Speaker 1>a shared experience, you feel seen by that person. That's right,

0:51:19.719 --> 0:51:22.080
<v Speaker 1>and it's it's also the kind of intimacy that you

0:51:22.160 --> 0:51:25.000
<v Speaker 1>really only get with partners. You're like sitting next to

0:51:25.040 --> 0:51:28.000
<v Speaker 1>this person all day long, just like not talking.

0:51:28.239 --> 0:51:30.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, or you're or you're working on projects together. You're

0:51:30.600 --> 0:51:33.960
<v Speaker 2>building things from scratch together, You're going up against obstacles together,

0:51:34.000 --> 0:51:37.440
<v Speaker 2>You're you're overcoming those obstacles together. Oh yeah, yeah, I

0:51:37.440 --> 0:51:38.040
<v Speaker 2>could see that.

0:51:38.160 --> 0:51:39.920
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I think back I had a couple of

0:51:39.960 --> 0:51:43.960
<v Speaker 1>coworkers that I would have celebrated with, yes at this

0:51:44.080 --> 0:51:46.440
<v Speaker 1>one job, and I just think back to how we

0:51:46.480 --> 0:51:50.280
<v Speaker 1>would like, you know, there's plenty of conversation happening and whatever,

0:51:50.320 --> 0:51:54.279
<v Speaker 1>but there would be long stretches of just like you know, and.

0:51:54.239 --> 0:51:57.480
<v Speaker 2>Like that's just intimate where you're just it's a thing.

0:51:57.520 --> 0:51:59.640
<v Speaker 2>It's like where I think the best friendships exist, which

0:51:59.680 --> 0:52:01.400
<v Speaker 2>is your able to just like hang out and not

0:52:01.480 --> 0:52:03.680
<v Speaker 2>talk and just can't be in the same space existing.

0:52:04.280 --> 0:52:06.480
<v Speaker 2>It's the most intimate thing. I think of a marriage

0:52:06.480 --> 0:52:08.279
<v Speaker 2>of your best friendships and so that makes sense. With

0:52:08.360 --> 0:52:11.040
<v Speaker 2>your coworkers, we're just like sitting here in the space,

0:52:11.120 --> 0:52:15.360
<v Speaker 2>working together, not talking. But the breath is being exchanged,

0:52:15.400 --> 0:52:16.960
<v Speaker 2>the energy is being exchanged.

0:52:17.280 --> 0:52:18.320
<v Speaker 3>It's very ill the body.

0:52:18.400 --> 0:52:21.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's very side energy. That is a connection, right,

0:52:21.640 --> 0:52:23.359
<v Speaker 2>It's like it's that energy of like, oh, we don't

0:52:23.360 --> 0:52:26.759
<v Speaker 2>need to penetrate, but like that there is the It's

0:52:26.760 --> 0:52:28.960
<v Speaker 2>about the energy, it's about the flow, it's about being.

0:52:29.040 --> 0:52:31.120
<v Speaker 1>I mean, that's my whole delusion, Brandon. I've been in

0:52:31.200 --> 0:52:32.799
<v Speaker 1>a lot of relationships with people. That doesn't mean they

0:52:32.800 --> 0:52:36.440
<v Speaker 1>were in relationships with me too. Okay, you can say

0:52:36.440 --> 0:52:38.280
<v Speaker 1>you might have a lot of gym crushes, subway crushes.

0:52:38.560 --> 0:52:40.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm in full relationships with them.

0:52:40.480 --> 0:52:44.480
<v Speaker 1>I with xes to yeah, I sort of you know,

0:52:44.840 --> 0:52:46.000
<v Speaker 1>are we going to talk about being single?

0:52:46.080 --> 0:52:46.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, we're about to do yeah.

0:52:46.920 --> 0:52:48.600
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So this is a good segue too. I don't

0:52:48.640 --> 0:52:51.399
<v Speaker 1>mean to take over your past, but take it. This

0:52:51.480 --> 0:52:53.080
<v Speaker 1>is a good segue into I've been single for a

0:52:53.120 --> 0:52:56.399
<v Speaker 1>very long time and also like I have not been

0:52:56.440 --> 0:52:59.080
<v Speaker 1>in a long term relationship in a long time. But

0:52:59.480 --> 0:53:02.560
<v Speaker 1>I love of romantic comedies. All of my writing is

0:53:02.600 --> 0:53:06.400
<v Speaker 1>in the romance love space. My substack is all about

0:53:06.440 --> 0:53:09.800
<v Speaker 1>like falling in love with a man on the train. Yes,

0:53:10.080 --> 0:53:15.279
<v Speaker 1>very delusional carry Bradshaw type thing. And I make this

0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:17.280
<v Speaker 1>joke that you know I have a lot of xes.

0:53:17.719 --> 0:53:20.799
<v Speaker 1>I call a lot of people my exes, Yes, and

0:53:20.840 --> 0:53:23.040
<v Speaker 1>they many of them would be shocked to hear that.

0:53:23.680 --> 0:53:25.560
<v Speaker 2>I feel like, didn'ts inmership with you?

0:53:26.120 --> 0:53:26.640
<v Speaker 3>And who are you?

0:53:27.760 --> 0:53:29.319
<v Speaker 2>I's your name? Well?

0:53:29.480 --> 0:53:31.520
<v Speaker 3>New phone? Who is like?

0:53:31.560 --> 0:53:34.319
<v Speaker 2>I never even had your phone number? Yes? Absolutely, well

0:53:34.400 --> 0:53:36.239
<v Speaker 2>let me ask you. We'll let's read this one because

0:53:36.239 --> 0:53:39.520
<v Speaker 2>this submission feels right on the topic of that which

0:53:39.600 --> 0:53:43.040
<v Speaker 2>they said. I'm tired of the dating carousel and being

0:53:43.160 --> 0:53:45.799
<v Speaker 2>alone as I'm getting older. Most of my friends are

0:53:45.840 --> 0:53:50.360
<v Speaker 2>now in relationships and hitting new milestones, buying houses, starting families,

0:53:50.400 --> 0:53:52.879
<v Speaker 2>and I'm here sipping wine and eating ice cream. Ain't

0:53:52.880 --> 0:53:55.160
<v Speaker 2>nothing wrong with that. I love so I love so

0:53:55.280 --> 0:53:57.040
<v Speaker 2>much of my life, but it feels as though people

0:53:57.080 --> 0:53:59.400
<v Speaker 2>are looking at me like I'm broken because I'm in

0:53:59.400 --> 0:54:02.080
<v Speaker 2>my late thirty and still single. I want to find

0:54:02.080 --> 0:54:02.680
<v Speaker 2>my person.

0:54:02.960 --> 0:54:06.240
<v Speaker 1>But how see this? And this is what I texted

0:54:06.280 --> 0:54:08.760
<v Speaker 1>you about earlier. I've been thinking about this a lot

0:54:09.520 --> 0:54:11.719
<v Speaker 1>because I just turned thirty four.

0:54:11.920 --> 0:54:14.560
<v Speaker 3>A cup a week ago, Happy birthday, Thank you. I

0:54:14.600 --> 0:54:16.399
<v Speaker 3>was fishing, and.

0:54:17.960 --> 0:54:20.239
<v Speaker 1>I have been feeling this a lot where I go

0:54:20.239 --> 0:54:22.719
<v Speaker 1>to a lot of dinner parties and I'm friends with

0:54:22.760 --> 0:54:25.600
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people who are older late thirties or

0:54:25.600 --> 0:54:29.440
<v Speaker 1>early forties, and similarly, like have you know kids or

0:54:29.640 --> 0:54:31.919
<v Speaker 1>houses or all these milestones. It is such a great

0:54:31.960 --> 0:54:34.960
<v Speaker 1>word because you feel this pressure to do things in

0:54:35.000 --> 0:54:37.440
<v Speaker 1>a certain order and also to do them at a

0:54:37.440 --> 0:54:38.160
<v Speaker 1>certain pace.

0:54:38.239 --> 0:54:41.840
<v Speaker 2>Ime yah pace. And that's why I mentioned the concept

0:54:41.880 --> 0:54:44.279
<v Speaker 2>of queer temporality. Will you explain what that is?

0:54:44.440 --> 0:54:48.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, So it's this, It's basically the idea that we

0:54:48.120 --> 0:54:52.280
<v Speaker 1>as queer people experience life on a different timeline because

0:54:52.600 --> 0:54:55.000
<v Speaker 1>and not just life, but development as well. So if

0:54:55.040 --> 0:54:58.360
<v Speaker 1>you think, like I came out to myself, yeah at

0:54:58.560 --> 0:55:01.520
<v Speaker 1>thirteen or fourteen, but there are plenty of people who

0:55:01.800 --> 0:55:04.279
<v Speaker 1>I know, people who've only just come out a year ago,

0:55:04.320 --> 0:55:07.160
<v Speaker 1>and I'm my same age. So how could we possibly

0:55:07.280 --> 0:55:11.080
<v Speaker 1>be on the same developmental timeline as queer people If

0:55:11.200 --> 0:55:15.800
<v Speaker 1>I've been thinking about and envisioning and imagining my life

0:55:16.360 --> 0:55:19.399
<v Speaker 1>as a queer person for twenty years and they've been

0:55:19.600 --> 0:55:21.680
<v Speaker 1>thinking about it for like a couple of weeks, Right,

0:55:21.760 --> 0:55:23.920
<v Speaker 1>you know, and sometimes you go on a date with

0:55:23.960 --> 0:55:26.720
<v Speaker 1>someone you realize like, oh right, you're at a different,

0:55:26.760 --> 0:55:29.839
<v Speaker 1>different part of your journey. And I think part of

0:55:29.920 --> 0:55:33.360
<v Speaker 1>what is so the reason why I like this concept

0:55:33.400 --> 0:55:35.640
<v Speaker 1>too is because I get it from queer people. I

0:55:35.680 --> 0:55:38.640
<v Speaker 1>get it from plenty of gay friends who are in relationships,

0:55:38.719 --> 0:55:41.000
<v Speaker 1>or I've gone to plenty of weddings of gay friends,

0:55:41.880 --> 0:55:44.200
<v Speaker 1>but I mostly get it from my straight friends. I

0:55:44.280 --> 0:55:46.200
<v Speaker 1>mostly get it. I mentioned what I call the Bridget

0:55:46.320 --> 0:55:48.520
<v Speaker 1>Jones effect. I mostly get it where I'm at the

0:55:48.560 --> 0:55:52.480
<v Speaker 1>dinner table. Everyone else is in a relationship and conversation

0:55:52.600 --> 0:55:54.759
<v Speaker 1>is going great, and then all of a sudden, the

0:55:54.840 --> 0:55:58.160
<v Speaker 1>heads turn and everyone's looking at me. Why is everyone

0:55:58.280 --> 0:55:59.360
<v Speaker 1>single these days?

0:55:59.400 --> 0:56:04.560
<v Speaker 3>Clark? You know, like, what's going on? And you're just like, huh.

0:56:04.600 --> 0:56:07.680
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I can't answer that person's question of you know,

0:56:07.719 --> 0:56:09.200
<v Speaker 1>you want to find your person and how do you

0:56:09.239 --> 0:56:12.120
<v Speaker 1>do it. I am at a point in my life

0:56:12.160 --> 0:56:17.480
<v Speaker 1>where I am living a beautiful I'm actually very proud

0:56:17.480 --> 0:56:19.239
<v Speaker 1>of myself. I told you before we started, I got

0:56:19.239 --> 0:56:21.919
<v Speaker 1>a visa to go to Paris on my own. I'm

0:56:21.920 --> 0:56:26.160
<v Speaker 1>building a life as an artist, and my life is

0:56:26.200 --> 0:56:31.160
<v Speaker 1>exciting and it's thrilling, and it's full. This approach revolutionized

0:56:31.200 --> 0:56:33.560
<v Speaker 1>my relationship with La, which I hated for so long.

0:56:33.600 --> 0:56:36.239
<v Speaker 1>Now I love it because because I'm living a real

0:56:36.280 --> 0:56:39.479
<v Speaker 1>life here, you know, I'm not like begging the city

0:56:39.520 --> 0:56:41.640
<v Speaker 1>to give me things and building community.

0:56:41.680 --> 0:56:44.520
<v Speaker 3>I'm showing up for people, and I'm at.

0:56:44.480 --> 0:56:48.480
<v Speaker 1>A place where I'm kind of like, if that puts

0:56:48.480 --> 0:56:51.839
<v Speaker 1>me in the position where I meet someone and they're

0:56:51.880 --> 0:56:54.719
<v Speaker 1>additive to my life, then I welcome that.

0:56:54.800 --> 0:56:57.279
<v Speaker 3>And I'm very open. My energy is very open to that.

0:56:57.360 --> 0:57:01.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm consciously putting myself in queer spaces with people who

0:57:01.280 --> 0:57:07.120
<v Speaker 1>are similarly aged and also similarly creative or internationally minded,

0:57:07.520 --> 0:57:10.560
<v Speaker 1>you know, so basically curating my life such that the

0:57:10.680 --> 0:57:13.800
<v Speaker 1>people that I meet are also living a similar.

0:57:13.680 --> 0:57:14.719
<v Speaker 2>Type of life.

0:57:14.960 --> 0:57:16.840
<v Speaker 1>And then if something happens with one of them, great,

0:57:16.880 --> 0:57:19.200
<v Speaker 1>and also if not, as will be said, I don't

0:57:19.200 --> 0:57:20.360
<v Speaker 1>want someone in my house.

0:57:20.600 --> 0:57:23.760
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god. I think about that often. I have

0:57:24.240 --> 0:57:26.760
<v Speaker 2>two partners, and I love them both, but I think

0:57:26.800 --> 0:57:32.000
<v Speaker 2>that relationships are so romanticized when actually they take a

0:57:32.000 --> 0:57:35.400
<v Speaker 2>lot of work, and sometimes I think it is better

0:57:35.480 --> 0:57:40.800
<v Speaker 2>to just be chillen by yourself, happy built architecting the

0:57:40.840 --> 0:57:43.520
<v Speaker 2>life that you want then to be trying to architect

0:57:43.560 --> 0:57:46.480
<v Speaker 2>a life around having somebody in your house who you

0:57:46.520 --> 0:57:49.920
<v Speaker 2>may not even like, who might not even be additive

0:57:50.000 --> 0:57:52.800
<v Speaker 2>to what you're trying to do. I think what I

0:57:52.800 --> 0:57:54.320
<v Speaker 2>think about is what you just told me, that story

0:57:54.320 --> 0:57:56.320
<v Speaker 2>where the straight friends turn to you and say, tell

0:57:56.320 --> 0:57:58.320
<v Speaker 2>me about being single. And it's not about the question

0:57:58.360 --> 0:58:00.520
<v Speaker 2>about being single, but it's the tone that it's being

0:58:00.560 --> 0:58:03.080
<v Speaker 2>said with, because there's nothing wrong with being single, and

0:58:03.120 --> 0:58:05.880
<v Speaker 2>there are people who actively do not are not interested

0:58:05.960 --> 0:58:09.200
<v Speaker 2>in a partnership, or interested in a monogamous partnership, and

0:58:09.240 --> 0:58:12.800
<v Speaker 2>those those ways of living are just as valid. But

0:58:12.840 --> 0:58:15.040
<v Speaker 2>we are socialized to believe that if you do not have,

0:58:15.080 --> 0:58:17.360
<v Speaker 2>as this person said, I feel broken or people looking

0:58:17.400 --> 0:58:20.320
<v Speaker 2>at me like I'm broken, if you don't have a partner,

0:58:20.360 --> 0:58:22.720
<v Speaker 2>then suddenly there's something wrong with you. And it's like

0:58:22.760 --> 0:58:25.640
<v Speaker 2>why why are people single? It's like I don't know, babe,

0:58:25.680 --> 0:58:28.520
<v Speaker 2>like my choice whatever, Like they live in their life.

0:58:28.520 --> 0:58:31.320
<v Speaker 2>That's not why is that the question? Why is the

0:58:31.400 --> 0:58:34.240
<v Speaker 2>question not? Like I heard you going to Paris about that,

0:58:34.320 --> 0:58:37.360
<v Speaker 2>Like that's far more interesting than you know who you're

0:58:37.440 --> 0:58:39.120
<v Speaker 2>dating or who you're fucking, or who you're in love

0:58:39.160 --> 0:58:44.280
<v Speaker 2>with but we're so it is ingrained in culture. I

0:58:44.280 --> 0:58:46.960
<v Speaker 2>mean it's in everything, right, like every book, every even

0:58:47.000 --> 0:58:52.000
<v Speaker 2>like I'll never forget what was it called Raila Davis's

0:58:52.040 --> 0:58:55.520
<v Speaker 2>movie Woman King, and they talked about it because there's

0:58:55.520 --> 0:58:59.120
<v Speaker 2>a random like that movie is ferocious and those women

0:58:59.280 --> 0:59:04.280
<v Speaker 2>are just fucking masterful in it, but there's a random

0:59:04.400 --> 0:59:07.200
<v Speaker 2>love story that feels so out of place. And I

0:59:07.200 --> 0:59:09.520
<v Speaker 2>think Viola talks about this, which is like the studio

0:59:09.600 --> 0:59:11.800
<v Speaker 2>wanted that love story because they didn't think it would

0:59:11.800 --> 0:59:15.120
<v Speaker 2>work if there wasn't some kind of one of them

0:59:15.160 --> 0:59:18.240
<v Speaker 2>falling in love. And it feels out of place because

0:59:18.280 --> 0:59:21.120
<v Speaker 2>you're like, you don't need it. But we're so socialized

0:59:21.120 --> 0:59:24.560
<v Speaker 2>from a media standpoint that everything you create has to

0:59:24.760 --> 0:59:27.040
<v Speaker 2>include I mean, look at all the shows you're watching,

0:59:27.040 --> 0:59:28.720
<v Speaker 2>like there is a love story in it, Yeah, and

0:59:28.760 --> 0:59:31.520
<v Speaker 2>so you are being conditioned to believe that you cannot

0:59:31.560 --> 0:59:34.680
<v Speaker 2>exist or thrive alone. I recently watched Eat, Pray Love.

0:59:34.800 --> 0:59:36.080
<v Speaker 2>It was so watching it. I don't know if I

0:59:36.120 --> 0:59:38.200
<v Speaker 2>said it on the show, but it's the first time

0:59:38.240 --> 0:59:40.240
<v Speaker 2>watching it, and I was so pissed at the ending

0:59:40.640 --> 0:59:43.120
<v Speaker 2>because she ends up with another man. I was like

0:59:43.520 --> 0:59:45.960
<v Speaker 2>the whole thing was her finding herself. How does she

0:59:46.040 --> 0:59:48.120
<v Speaker 2>end up with this man at the end like she's

0:59:48.120 --> 0:59:51.200
<v Speaker 2>supposed to? Like why is it? Why is the movie

0:59:51.320 --> 0:59:54.800
<v Speaker 2>or why would we not find her story successful? She

0:59:54.920 --> 0:59:56.880
<v Speaker 2>got divorced At the top of the movie, she goes

0:59:57.000 --> 1:00:00.520
<v Speaker 2>exploring and traveling, she finds herself. Why is that not

1:00:00.600 --> 1:00:03.160
<v Speaker 2>satisfying enough? Why is it that she has to find

1:00:03.280 --> 1:00:06.640
<v Speaker 2>another man in order for her to feel whole? Like

1:00:06.720 --> 1:00:11.840
<v Speaker 2>that is so infuriating because I think then it also

1:00:11.960 --> 1:00:14.560
<v Speaker 2>works on those who are single to make them think

1:00:14.640 --> 1:00:17.720
<v Speaker 2>as well. And you tell me if I'm wrong, you

1:00:17.760 --> 1:00:21.280
<v Speaker 2>can do the work to combat it. But it's still

1:00:21.320 --> 1:00:23.680
<v Speaker 2>like this default where like, oh is something wrong with me?

1:00:23.840 --> 1:00:24.240
<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

1:00:24.440 --> 1:00:26.919
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and like I should be I should be doing

1:00:26.960 --> 1:00:29.040
<v Speaker 1>the work, I'm misting something.

1:00:29.120 --> 1:00:30.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm not doing something, or there's something off with how

1:00:30.880 --> 1:00:33.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm approaching this or I should be approached like you

1:00:33.040 --> 1:00:36.480
<v Speaker 2>start to try and plot how to get this other person.

1:00:38.080 --> 1:00:40.920
<v Speaker 2>Whereas to answer this question more directly, I really always

1:00:40.960 --> 1:00:44.640
<v Speaker 2>say there's this desire for us to find our other

1:00:44.720 --> 1:00:47.680
<v Speaker 2>halves in this way that we approach dating and marriage

1:00:47.720 --> 1:00:50.160
<v Speaker 2>and love where it's like I'm not complete until I

1:00:50.200 --> 1:00:52.800
<v Speaker 2>have this other person and I really want us to

1:00:52.840 --> 1:00:55.720
<v Speaker 2>shift that and say I complete myself. And if this

1:00:55.760 --> 1:00:58.439
<v Speaker 2>person comes in, they're additive, They're an expansion of who

1:00:58.440 --> 1:01:00.840
<v Speaker 2>I am. And that to me too, makes the pressure

1:01:00.960 --> 1:01:04.120
<v Speaker 2>off of the dating, because if you think about it,

1:01:04.120 --> 1:01:07.320
<v Speaker 2>if you're coming at dating from a space of like

1:01:07.360 --> 1:01:09.960
<v Speaker 2>I need to find my other half, then you're showing

1:01:10.040 --> 1:01:12.800
<v Speaker 2>up on your dates where this other person is now

1:01:12.840 --> 1:01:18.400
<v Speaker 2>going to become responsible for fixing you, for making your whole,

1:01:18.880 --> 1:01:21.400
<v Speaker 2>and they're putting that pressure on you, and that's an

1:01:21.440 --> 1:01:25.080
<v Speaker 2>impossible task to complete. Even the ones who think they're

1:01:25.120 --> 1:01:27.440
<v Speaker 2>doing it end up it ends up straining the relationship

1:01:27.480 --> 1:01:30.160
<v Speaker 2>because you haven't figured out how to be enough for yourself.

1:01:30.400 --> 1:01:32.960
<v Speaker 2>You haven't figured out how to spread your cards around

1:01:33.080 --> 1:01:36.400
<v Speaker 2>to not just your romantic partner, but to your friends,

1:01:36.400 --> 1:01:41.800
<v Speaker 2>to your community, to Belinda. I love Belinda, but it's

1:01:41.800 --> 1:01:45.280
<v Speaker 2>like when your romantic partner becomes the be all end all,

1:01:45.720 --> 1:01:47.800
<v Speaker 2>that's a lot of pressure you're putting on them, and

1:01:47.840 --> 1:01:50.720
<v Speaker 2>a lot of pressure for you that no person, no

1:01:50.800 --> 1:01:52.840
<v Speaker 2>one person, should be able to hold. I can't be

1:01:52.880 --> 1:01:58.000
<v Speaker 2>responsible for you feeling lovable. I can't be responsible for

1:01:58.160 --> 1:02:03.800
<v Speaker 2>you feeling whole. I can only expand and accentuate and

1:02:03.880 --> 1:02:08.280
<v Speaker 2>hype you up and and reaffirm what you know about yourself.

1:02:08.440 --> 1:02:12.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I also think the two things I want to say. One,

1:02:12.240 --> 1:02:16.520
<v Speaker 1>Aprey Love is such a great example because the secret

1:02:16.840 --> 1:02:20.160
<v Speaker 1>of Apray love that many people know, but that you

1:02:20.240 --> 1:02:22.680
<v Speaker 1>don't think of when you just watch the film. She

1:02:23.760 --> 1:02:26.880
<v Speaker 1>sold the book before she wrote the book. She sold

1:02:26.880 --> 1:02:29.120
<v Speaker 1>the book before she went on the trip, right, so

1:02:29.160 --> 1:02:32.400
<v Speaker 1>she pitched the idea of I'm going to go I'm

1:02:32.440 --> 1:02:34.960
<v Speaker 1>going to find myself. I'm similar to like the Viola

1:02:35.000 --> 1:02:38.959
<v Speaker 1>Day of Julia Roberts relationship in the film. I read

1:02:38.960 --> 1:02:41.000
<v Speaker 1>that book and thought like, oh, this person went on

1:02:41.040 --> 1:02:44.280
<v Speaker 1>a journey and wrote it and then like you know,

1:02:44.280 --> 1:02:46.720
<v Speaker 1>like I have this brilliant book here, but I'm but

1:02:46.800 --> 1:02:48.640
<v Speaker 1>it's kind of like the love story to me is

1:02:48.760 --> 1:02:54.640
<v Speaker 1>really like that author Elizabeth Gilbert and herself, Yes, writing

1:02:54.640 --> 1:02:56.919
<v Speaker 1>a book, coming up with an idea, pitching it, selling it,

1:02:57.440 --> 1:03:00.600
<v Speaker 1>and then writing it and cashing the fus love story.

1:03:00.600 --> 1:03:03.840
<v Speaker 1>Maybe that's what's interesting to know, like getting that in

1:03:03.920 --> 1:03:05.400
<v Speaker 1>order for it to sell, it had to have this.

1:03:05.480 --> 1:03:06.120
<v Speaker 3>I had to have that.

1:03:06.160 --> 1:03:06.400
<v Speaker 2>Sure.

1:03:06.560 --> 1:03:08.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't know if that I don't know what her

1:03:08.520 --> 1:03:10.400
<v Speaker 1>like romantic life. I don't eat now.

1:03:10.520 --> 1:03:13.240
<v Speaker 2>I don't either. I know a little bit about it actually,

1:03:13.280 --> 1:03:17.160
<v Speaker 2>but but you know, just the way that that that

1:03:17.440 --> 1:03:19.280
<v Speaker 2>movie ending, and I haven't read the book, but the

1:03:19.320 --> 1:03:24.360
<v Speaker 2>movie ending just felt so forced, not in a this

1:03:24.480 --> 1:03:26.200
<v Speaker 2>is not a critique on the writing. It felt like

1:03:26.440 --> 1:03:29.280
<v Speaker 2>a studio for it felt totally. It did not feel

1:03:29.880 --> 1:03:32.080
<v Speaker 2>like the author was like, I want to make sure

1:03:32.120 --> 1:03:33.840
<v Speaker 2>that she finds a partner at the end. It felt

1:03:33.880 --> 1:03:35.880
<v Speaker 2>like the whole thing was I'm finding myself. And then

1:03:36.040 --> 1:03:39.600
<v Speaker 2>some studio exec said, but she needs a man. Who

1:03:39.680 --> 1:03:42.960
<v Speaker 2>is she without a man? And like that, who, indeed,

1:03:43.040 --> 1:03:45.440
<v Speaker 2>who are you without a man? Is such a you know,

1:03:45.560 --> 1:03:52.200
<v Speaker 2>such a fucked up legacy of our culture, the thing

1:03:52.200 --> 1:03:54.840
<v Speaker 2>that we perpetuate, that would perpetuate to women. And then

1:03:54.840 --> 1:03:58.040
<v Speaker 2>I think also the gays adopt as well, totally, you know,

1:03:58.320 --> 1:04:01.000
<v Speaker 2>the homosexuals, I think we adopt that that's same because

1:04:01.000 --> 1:04:03.440
<v Speaker 2>we fall into the heterosexual dynamics.

1:04:03.480 --> 1:04:03.959
<v Speaker 3>That's right.

1:04:03.960 --> 1:04:06.120
<v Speaker 1>Well, well, because like you know, you have all these

1:04:06.360 --> 1:04:08.800
<v Speaker 1>I just got a birth announcement. I got two this week, actually,

1:04:08.840 --> 1:04:12.160
<v Speaker 1>one in the male and one via text of friends

1:04:12.160 --> 1:04:14.600
<v Speaker 1>who are my age one who's a year younger, just

1:04:14.640 --> 1:04:17.600
<v Speaker 1>had his first child, one who is exactly my age

1:04:17.600 --> 1:04:21.120
<v Speaker 1>and has three Yeah, had his third child, and I'm like,

1:04:21.680 --> 1:04:24.160
<v Speaker 1>you know, our lives could not be more different as

1:04:24.200 --> 1:04:27.120
<v Speaker 1>a wife and a house and three kids. And the

1:04:27.160 --> 1:04:29.200
<v Speaker 1>other thing I was going to say was that using

1:04:29.240 --> 1:04:32.400
<v Speaker 1>the concept of career temporality, applying that to your life,

1:04:32.440 --> 1:04:34.080
<v Speaker 1>one of the beautiful things is that you can do

1:04:34.160 --> 1:04:37.280
<v Speaker 1>things out of order. You know, Like I realized a

1:04:37.280 --> 1:04:41.080
<v Speaker 1>couple of years ago that having kids is something that's

1:04:41.160 --> 1:04:45.120
<v Speaker 1>interesting to me, and it's not something that's interesting only

1:04:45.160 --> 1:04:47.720
<v Speaker 1>within the context of a relationship like a man I

1:04:47.800 --> 1:04:50.680
<v Speaker 1>have yess and I can have kids. For me, it's

1:04:50.680 --> 1:04:54.920
<v Speaker 1>more of a financial barrier. There's like a financial milestone

1:04:54.920 --> 1:04:57.200
<v Speaker 1>I want to cross before I feel comfortable having a child.

1:04:57.720 --> 1:05:00.520
<v Speaker 1>But you know, I look to people like Shonda Mindy

1:05:01.680 --> 1:05:05.080
<v Speaker 1>or all these people who are single, have work success,

1:05:05.480 --> 1:05:09.520
<v Speaker 1>have close family and friend relationships that make them feel whole,

1:05:09.920 --> 1:05:13.560
<v Speaker 1>have kids, and that feels beautiful to me, you know, like,

1:05:13.600 --> 1:05:16.920
<v Speaker 1>I really don't think that the other side of it.

1:05:17.720 --> 1:05:20.200
<v Speaker 1>And this is where I'm curious your thoughts as a

1:05:20.200 --> 1:05:24.160
<v Speaker 1>person who's in relationships. Yeah, part of me, the only

1:05:24.280 --> 1:05:26.680
<v Speaker 1>thing voice in the back of my head, having very

1:05:26.680 --> 1:05:28.680
<v Speaker 1>consciously over these past two and a half years, built

1:05:28.720 --> 1:05:30.560
<v Speaker 1>a life that I love and I'm excited about.

1:05:30.600 --> 1:05:33.840
<v Speaker 3>It's very new. Yeah, Like I have been clinically depressed

1:05:33.840 --> 1:05:34.600
<v Speaker 3>for a long time.

1:05:34.760 --> 1:05:37.520
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And like woke up the other day and was like, whoa,

1:05:37.520 --> 1:05:39.880
<v Speaker 1>I haven't been depressed in like seven months, wow.

1:05:39.600 --> 1:05:40.480
<v Speaker 3>Which is wild.

1:05:40.680 --> 1:05:41.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's beautiful.

1:05:41.760 --> 1:05:43.240
<v Speaker 1>I just thought it was like always going to be

1:05:43.320 --> 1:05:47.640
<v Speaker 1>part of my life. But the only thing that creeps

1:05:47.640 --> 1:05:50.320
<v Speaker 1>into the back of my mind from now from time

1:05:50.360 --> 1:05:54.840
<v Speaker 1>to time is that the party line is that you

1:05:54.960 --> 1:05:57.480
<v Speaker 1>have to be putting yourself out there. You have to

1:05:57.520 --> 1:05:59.400
<v Speaker 1>be on the dating apps, or you have to be

1:05:59.440 --> 1:06:01.720
<v Speaker 1>going on days. I heard at one of these dinner

1:06:01.720 --> 1:06:04.760
<v Speaker 1>parties someone told me a story about how their friend

1:06:04.840 --> 1:06:07.120
<v Speaker 1>realized he's always out of town for work. It's like

1:06:07.160 --> 1:06:09.600
<v Speaker 1>a camera operator or something. Yeah, so when he's back

1:06:09.600 --> 1:06:11.920
<v Speaker 1>in town, the only way he would meet someone is

1:06:11.960 --> 1:06:15.240
<v Speaker 1>if he consciously went on dates. Yeah, And he was

1:06:15.320 --> 1:06:18.120
<v Speaker 1>going on up to three dates a day for like

1:06:18.200 --> 1:06:20.720
<v Speaker 1>three to six months, and then he found someone and

1:06:20.760 --> 1:06:23.800
<v Speaker 1>now they're married, And I was like, see, but that

1:06:24.000 --> 1:06:26.440
<v Speaker 1>to me feels like reverse engineering in a way that like,

1:06:26.480 --> 1:06:31.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't need to be that married I would like to.

1:06:31.960 --> 1:06:35.720
<v Speaker 1>I would love to be surprised by life. Sure that

1:06:35.800 --> 1:06:40.000
<v Speaker 1>brings me a partner that warrants marriage, but I really don't.

1:06:40.840 --> 1:06:42.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going on love is blind, you know what

1:06:42.600 --> 1:06:45.440
<v Speaker 1>I mean. I'm not like, I don't want to just

1:06:45.480 --> 1:06:46.200
<v Speaker 1>marry anyone.

1:06:46.640 --> 1:06:49.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm with you on that, And I mean, like, go

1:06:49.160 --> 1:06:50.520
<v Speaker 2>off if you want to go on three dates a

1:06:50.640 --> 1:06:53.800
<v Speaker 2>day to find your partner, you know, that makes it

1:06:53.840 --> 1:06:55.720
<v Speaker 2>sounds like you're thinking about as like a numbers game,

1:06:55.800 --> 1:06:57.760
<v Speaker 2>Like yeah, totally, the more people you see, the more

1:06:57.800 --> 1:06:59.760
<v Speaker 2>likely you'll meet the person, which go off. Also great,

1:07:00.280 --> 1:07:02.320
<v Speaker 2>by the way, that is actually great. Wrong, We've ten

1:07:02.920 --> 1:07:05.640
<v Speaker 2>We've written ten movies today. I just want to checks time.

1:07:06.640 --> 1:07:11.720
<v Speaker 2>But I I for me, it feels still burdensome and

1:07:12.080 --> 1:07:15.240
<v Speaker 2>not that I want. Love is work, absolutely, but I

1:07:15.280 --> 1:07:18.000
<v Speaker 2>would rather be spending that time working on myself and

1:07:18.080 --> 1:07:20.880
<v Speaker 2>building up myself and my life and my community and

1:07:20.920 --> 1:07:23.880
<v Speaker 2>have somebody be able to organically be part of that

1:07:24.760 --> 1:07:27.160
<v Speaker 2>as opposed to because I think sometimes what happens culture

1:07:27.200 --> 1:07:28.520
<v Speaker 2>is like we spend all that time working on that

1:07:28.560 --> 1:07:31.920
<v Speaker 2>relationship and then we disappear with that relationship, and so

1:07:32.000 --> 1:07:35.640
<v Speaker 2>now we're pulling back from our community for that person

1:07:35.720 --> 1:07:37.800
<v Speaker 2>and for our family and whatnot. And it's like then

1:07:37.840 --> 1:07:40.720
<v Speaker 2>you lose yourself in that end no shade, but like

1:07:40.760 --> 1:07:44.160
<v Speaker 2>divorce happens. So then you've been in this relationship for ten, fifteen,

1:07:44.160 --> 1:07:46.880
<v Speaker 2>twenty years, isolating yourself from everyone else, and then that

1:07:46.920 --> 1:07:50.000
<v Speaker 2>relationship ends, and where are your people? You haven't actually

1:07:50.040 --> 1:07:51.840
<v Speaker 2>been investing in them. And that's why it's like, you

1:07:51.840 --> 1:07:54.480
<v Speaker 2>can get married, you can whatever, but like it shouldn't

1:07:54.560 --> 1:07:57.640
<v Speaker 2>become the be all end all. And that's not because

1:07:58.600 --> 1:08:03.240
<v Speaker 2>you might break up, but like life happens people you know, partners,

1:08:03.280 --> 1:08:06.440
<v Speaker 2>I like not to be worried, but like you were,

1:08:07.000 --> 1:08:09.040
<v Speaker 2>the fantasy that we are the only two in the

1:08:09.040 --> 1:08:12.240
<v Speaker 2>world forever and ever is a fantasy. The reality is

1:08:12.280 --> 1:08:14.760
<v Speaker 2>you need community. And so I would rather spend my

1:08:14.840 --> 1:08:17.439
<v Speaker 2>time building out my life and let the straits ask

1:08:17.520 --> 1:08:19.519
<v Speaker 2>me what it is to be single all they want

1:08:19.560 --> 1:08:20.920
<v Speaker 2>and it's like, that's none of my business. I'm going

1:08:20.920 --> 1:08:24.720
<v Speaker 2>to Paris tomorrow. You tell me what it is and

1:08:24.840 --> 1:08:27.680
<v Speaker 2>go from there, and just like work on understanding that

1:08:27.720 --> 1:08:30.559
<v Speaker 2>I am enough as I am, because that's where I

1:08:30.600 --> 1:08:32.120
<v Speaker 2>want to meet a partner. I want to meet a

1:08:32.160 --> 1:08:35.600
<v Speaker 2>partner who again I know is being additive. It's the

1:08:35.640 --> 1:08:39.840
<v Speaker 2>same thing I twitched managers last year. Brief anecdotic. I

1:08:39.840 --> 1:08:42.799
<v Speaker 2>switched managers and for a couple of months I managed

1:08:43.000 --> 1:08:46.280
<v Speaker 2>my career myself because I wanted to figure out what

1:08:46.840 --> 1:08:49.959
<v Speaker 2>was being done and what were the elements of my career.

1:08:50.320 --> 1:08:52.599
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes I think that we don't know the elements

1:08:52.600 --> 1:08:54.720
<v Speaker 2>of our life. We look for somebody to come in

1:08:54.760 --> 1:08:57.599
<v Speaker 2>and tell us what it is, and it's like, no,

1:08:57.760 --> 1:08:59.920
<v Speaker 2>you be in charge of it. You figure out what

1:09:00.080 --> 1:09:01.760
<v Speaker 2>it is. What do you want, what do you like

1:09:01.800 --> 1:09:04.320
<v Speaker 2>about yourself, love about yourself, love about your life, and

1:09:04.320 --> 1:09:07.800
<v Speaker 2>then let somebody add and expand to that instead of like, oh,

1:09:07.840 --> 1:09:10.240
<v Speaker 2>I need somebody. I need this manager to make my

1:09:10.320 --> 1:09:13.639
<v Speaker 2>career happen. I need this partner to make my love happen,

1:09:13.720 --> 1:09:18.559
<v Speaker 2>to make me lovable that I think will run its course. Yeah, yeah,

1:09:18.760 --> 1:09:24.520
<v Speaker 2>that's not that's not good for longevity inside out versus Yes, yes, absolutely.

1:09:25.120 --> 1:09:25.840
<v Speaker 2>I love you so much.

1:09:26.160 --> 1:09:26.800
<v Speaker 3>I love you too.

1:09:27.040 --> 1:09:30.800
<v Speaker 2>Thank you for having.

1:09:29.439 --> 1:09:31.000
<v Speaker 3>Oh I have to tell people to watch my movie. Oh,

1:09:31.040 --> 1:09:34.720
<v Speaker 3>please tell them I made a movie. Actually, finally enough.

1:09:34.800 --> 1:09:36.800
<v Speaker 1>One of the last times I saw you, we had

1:09:36.880 --> 1:09:39.640
<v Speaker 1>lunch at that restaurant in West Hollywood, and this was

1:09:39.680 --> 1:09:40.439
<v Speaker 1>like four years ago.

1:09:40.800 --> 1:09:41.360
<v Speaker 3>I had just.

1:09:41.320 --> 1:09:44.120
<v Speaker 1>Come back from filming it. It's called Not an Artist.

1:09:44.280 --> 1:09:48.479
<v Speaker 1>It's it's on Amazon. It's great cast directors Alexei Pappis

1:09:48.560 --> 1:09:55.559
<v Speaker 1>and Jeremy Teischer and Orange distributed by Utopia, Yest, great great,

1:09:56.120 --> 1:09:58.080
<v Speaker 1>Roslyn Shackleypatrick compan Now that I'm saying the names, I

1:09:58.080 --> 1:09:59.160
<v Speaker 1>feel like I have to say everyone.

1:09:59.600 --> 1:10:02.759
<v Speaker 2>You're good Gata. So that's a great cast.

1:10:02.960 --> 1:10:03.519
<v Speaker 3>Go see it.

1:10:03.640 --> 1:10:07.639
<v Speaker 1>Not an Artist. It's available wherever you connect to the internet. Yeah,

1:10:08.520 --> 1:10:10.400
<v Speaker 1>thank you, thank you for having me, thank you for

1:10:10.439 --> 1:10:21.439
<v Speaker 1>letting me plug. Of course, well you know we're hose here,

1:10:21.479 --> 1:10:24.200
<v Speaker 1>but hose with heart. So before we get out of here,

1:10:24.400 --> 1:10:27.559
<v Speaker 1>let me speak to yours. Belinda absolutely did it.

1:10:28.080 --> 1:10:29.800
<v Speaker 2>I don't know why we were going back and forth

1:10:29.840 --> 1:10:31.519
<v Speaker 2>for we went a little back and forth a little

1:10:31.520 --> 1:10:34.679
<v Speaker 2>too long, because Belinda clearly did it. All the sides

1:10:34.760 --> 1:10:39.240
<v Speaker 2>point to her, and yeah, I'm just I know Clark

1:10:39.360 --> 1:10:41.439
<v Speaker 2>is now I think Clark is in Paris at this point,

1:10:41.720 --> 1:10:46.240
<v Speaker 2>but we can all agree, right, Belinda did it perfect. Also,

1:10:46.360 --> 1:10:51.240
<v Speaker 2>respect aside, I love that, and I just want to

1:10:51.280 --> 1:10:53.840
<v Speaker 2>repeat that. Obviously, I love respecting anyone, but I want

1:10:53.840 --> 1:10:56.200
<v Speaker 2>to repeat because I know that the sire community gets

1:10:56.479 --> 1:11:01.240
<v Speaker 2>ragged on, especially by those of us in the gay

1:11:01.400 --> 1:11:04.519
<v Speaker 2>male community. And you got to respect to side because lesbians, no,

1:11:04.640 --> 1:11:07.840
<v Speaker 2>we talked about quirt folks, that we're talking about energetic sex.

1:11:07.840 --> 1:11:09.639
<v Speaker 2>What we've talked about on here. You know, we had

1:11:09.640 --> 1:11:13.280
<v Speaker 2>that conversation with Liz Goldwyn last week. You know, sex

1:11:13.360 --> 1:11:16.200
<v Speaker 2>is about energy, it's not about penetration. And I think

1:11:16.240 --> 1:11:20.160
<v Speaker 2>that side being a side or side sex if you will,

1:11:20.920 --> 1:11:25.479
<v Speaker 2>is all about leaning into that. And I promise you

1:11:25.560 --> 1:11:28.440
<v Speaker 2>for those of you who are who might have unintentionally

1:11:28.479 --> 1:11:32.519
<v Speaker 2>knocked being with sides or you know, maybe unintentionally puts

1:11:32.560 --> 1:11:36.280
<v Speaker 2>your nose up at it, some of the most transformative sex,

1:11:36.680 --> 1:11:39.680
<v Speaker 2>some of the best fucking sex you will have, is

1:11:39.680 --> 1:11:41.679
<v Speaker 2>with the side. Because sex is not about penetration. I'm

1:11:41.720 --> 1:11:45.200
<v Speaker 2>telling you, I'm telling you toes curl, leg twitch and

1:11:45.320 --> 1:11:49.880
<v Speaker 2>pussy pop like find you a delicious side to be

1:11:50.040 --> 1:11:53.280
<v Speaker 2>with and and expand your sex box if you will.

1:11:55.080 --> 1:11:57.920
<v Speaker 2>This is the PSA. Stop asking people why they're saying

1:11:57.920 --> 1:12:00.800
<v Speaker 2>goal that's a crazy fucking question. For some reason, we

1:12:00.880 --> 1:12:04.840
<v Speaker 2>all feel it's a culture and we feel the audacity

1:12:05.000 --> 1:12:09.040
<v Speaker 2>the permission to ask people why they're single, especially after

1:12:09.040 --> 1:12:11.759
<v Speaker 2>a certain age, Like what that is not a loving

1:12:11.880 --> 1:12:14.960
<v Speaker 2>or compassionate question. It's also not I don't know, a

1:12:15.000 --> 1:12:18.639
<v Speaker 2>real question. If somebody is single, they might be single

1:12:18.680 --> 1:12:20.840
<v Speaker 2>by choice, they might also be looking, and they don't

1:12:20.880 --> 1:12:23.479
<v Speaker 2>need you in your partnership to be like why are

1:12:23.479 --> 1:12:28.760
<v Speaker 2>you single? That's I just obviously there's more to say

1:12:28.760 --> 1:12:31.320
<v Speaker 2>about this, but that particular question I want to highlight.

1:12:31.600 --> 1:12:34.800
<v Speaker 2>There's so much more to a person than who they

1:12:34.840 --> 1:12:39.320
<v Speaker 2>are dating or married to or in partnership with. That

1:12:39.479 --> 1:12:41.880
<v Speaker 2>is part of their life, but it's not their whole life,

1:12:41.880 --> 1:12:44.080
<v Speaker 2>and shouldn't be their whole life. And so you know,

1:12:44.120 --> 1:12:47.880
<v Speaker 2>if you know somebody is single, if they want to

1:12:47.880 --> 1:12:49.920
<v Speaker 2>talk about their love life with you, let them. But

1:12:50.200 --> 1:12:53.559
<v Speaker 2>you don't need to be asking that tone. I'm just like,

1:12:53.960 --> 1:12:57.400
<v Speaker 2>why are you single? It's a crazy fucking question. Also,

1:12:57.479 --> 1:13:01.960
<v Speaker 2>just a reminder whether if you're relationship or you're pursuing

1:13:01.960 --> 1:13:05.080
<v Speaker 2>a relationship, that you are not completed by that relationship,

1:13:05.120 --> 1:13:08.360
<v Speaker 2>that that relationship is part of you. That relationships, whether

1:13:08.360 --> 1:13:11.080
<v Speaker 2>they're romantic, platonic, familial. I hope that there are ones

1:13:11.080 --> 1:13:14.880
<v Speaker 2>that expand you, that are a mirror to what you

1:13:14.920 --> 1:13:20.040
<v Speaker 2>are already pursuing, you know, and if you are somebody

1:13:20.040 --> 1:13:23.760
<v Speaker 2>who's single that is pursuing, you know, partnership. Do not

1:13:23.920 --> 1:13:26.960
<v Speaker 2>underestimate working on yourself. I'm not saying work on yourself

1:13:27.040 --> 1:13:29.160
<v Speaker 2>until you're healed and then you're in a relationship, Like

1:13:30.000 --> 1:13:32.960
<v Speaker 2>no one walks into a relationship one one. As long

1:13:32.960 --> 1:13:35.080
<v Speaker 2>as you're alive, You're never gonna be fully healed. I

1:13:35.600 --> 1:13:38.519
<v Speaker 2>just have to That might be controversial to say, but

1:13:38.600 --> 1:13:41.040
<v Speaker 2>you're not. You're not going to leave this bitch fully healed, Okay,

1:13:41.120 --> 1:13:44.120
<v Speaker 2>So so put that away. There's always gonna be something

1:13:44.439 --> 1:13:47.280
<v Speaker 2>if you're if you are really doing your intentional, internal

1:13:47.400 --> 1:13:50.000
<v Speaker 2>reflective work, there's always gonna be something that's gonna come

1:13:50.080 --> 1:13:53.160
<v Speaker 2>up and something to work on. You will be better

1:13:53.400 --> 1:13:56.879
<v Speaker 2>off than you were if you are working on healing

1:13:56.880 --> 1:13:59.519
<v Speaker 2>those wounds, of course, because you know, we don't want

1:13:59.600 --> 1:14:03.600
<v Speaker 2>these past traumas and wounds to bleed on new relationships.

1:14:03.800 --> 1:14:06.320
<v Speaker 2>But this idea that you were going to heal yourself

1:14:06.360 --> 1:14:09.160
<v Speaker 2>and then enter into relationship is also a toxic thing

1:14:09.439 --> 1:14:12.559
<v Speaker 2>because when you're in relationship with somebody, other things are

1:14:12.560 --> 1:14:14.400
<v Speaker 2>going to be brought up. Right, There are trigger points

1:14:14.400 --> 1:14:16.200
<v Speaker 2>that are going to be hit when you're living with

1:14:16.240 --> 1:14:18.400
<v Speaker 2>somebody that you wouldn't you have hit if you weren't

1:14:18.439 --> 1:14:20.559
<v Speaker 2>living with somebody. Trigger points that are going to get

1:14:20.640 --> 1:14:22.920
<v Speaker 2>hit when you are ten years in a relationship with someone,

1:14:22.960 --> 1:14:25.040
<v Speaker 2>twenty years in relationship with someone that is not going

1:14:25.120 --> 1:14:27.519
<v Speaker 2>to happen after a year, and so there are things

1:14:27.560 --> 1:14:30.960
<v Speaker 2>that you're going to be that are gonna be brought

1:14:31.080 --> 1:14:33.840
<v Speaker 2>up to heal always. So it's not about that. I

1:14:33.840 --> 1:14:36.679
<v Speaker 2>think what's most important is what is your intention inside

1:14:36.720 --> 1:14:40.360
<v Speaker 2>of wanting to be in a relationship, and if it

1:14:40.439 --> 1:14:42.960
<v Speaker 2>is for completion or so that you can feel like

1:14:43.000 --> 1:14:46.160
<v Speaker 2>you are, you know, a whole person, you feel as

1:14:46.280 --> 1:14:48.840
<v Speaker 2>cool as the other people in relationships. That might not

1:14:49.040 --> 1:14:53.000
<v Speaker 2>be the right reason. I don't want to put a

1:14:53.080 --> 1:14:56.040
<v Speaker 2>right or wrong on it. That might not be the

1:14:56.080 --> 1:15:01.080
<v Speaker 2>best reason, the reason that will fill your cup up

1:15:01.240 --> 1:15:05.040
<v Speaker 2>the most, because then there's always like a lack, because

1:15:05.040 --> 1:15:07.200
<v Speaker 2>then you're moving around the world as though you are

1:15:07.320 --> 1:15:10.920
<v Speaker 2>lacking something where you are and as we always say,

1:15:10.920 --> 1:15:14.320
<v Speaker 2>you are enough as you are. So I think thinking

1:15:14.360 --> 1:15:17.880
<v Speaker 2>about relationships as an expansion of who you are instead

1:15:17.920 --> 1:15:22.920
<v Speaker 2>of a completion is will garner the results that you

1:15:22.960 --> 1:15:26.040
<v Speaker 2>want for a longer lasting relationship because I think sometimes

1:15:26.080 --> 1:15:28.080
<v Speaker 2>when people are pursuing and you know, you tell me

1:15:28.080 --> 1:15:30.639
<v Speaker 2>if I'm wrong, when people are pursuing relationship for completion,

1:15:31.560 --> 1:15:35.080
<v Speaker 2>that's where you know you're in that relationship thinking it's

1:15:35.080 --> 1:15:38.600
<v Speaker 2>completing you, and then something happens and you wake up

1:15:38.640 --> 1:15:40.400
<v Speaker 2>and you're like, oh wow, I'm not completed by this,

1:15:40.439 --> 1:15:42.240
<v Speaker 2>and now you're looking for something else to complete you,

1:15:42.600 --> 1:15:45.240
<v Speaker 2>as opposed to letting that partner be someone who expands,

1:15:45.520 --> 1:15:48.280
<v Speaker 2>who expands you, and who expands with you, and then

1:15:48.320 --> 1:15:50.880
<v Speaker 2>there's kind of there's no edge. There's no edge, right like,

1:15:51.040 --> 1:15:52.960
<v Speaker 2>you can just keep flowing and going. It doesn't mean

1:15:53.000 --> 1:15:56.240
<v Speaker 2>the relationship will last forever, because what the fuck is forever?

1:15:56.400 --> 1:16:00.960
<v Speaker 2>Nothing will last forever. Controversial hetake, But I think that

1:16:01.040 --> 1:16:05.760
<v Speaker 2>you will have a more solid foundation to weather the

1:16:05.880 --> 1:16:08.519
<v Speaker 2>storms of of what it means to be in a

1:16:08.520 --> 1:16:14.360
<v Speaker 2>relationship because relationships are work. Beautiful work, expansive work, but

1:16:14.479 --> 1:16:18.360
<v Speaker 2>it still is work. And I think, and maybe I'm

1:16:18.400 --> 1:16:21.640
<v Speaker 2>gonna say this for myself, but you know, obviously can

1:16:21.680 --> 1:16:26.679
<v Speaker 2>apply to use well. Culturally, there is the movie always

1:16:26.840 --> 1:16:31.760
<v Speaker 2>ends when they get together, right like, or the movie

1:16:31.880 --> 1:16:33.599
<v Speaker 2>ends when they're about to break or begins when they

1:16:33.800 --> 1:16:37.160
<v Speaker 2>break up. But like no one, we don't really discuss

1:16:37.240 --> 1:16:40.559
<v Speaker 2>the in between, the ups and downs, the roller coaster

1:16:40.760 --> 1:16:43.200
<v Speaker 2>in between, the times where there's real conflict, the times

1:16:43.240 --> 1:16:46.400
<v Speaker 2>where you take do the work to mitigate that conflict,

1:16:46.439 --> 1:16:51.160
<v Speaker 2>to absolve or dissolve, absolve one of those words, get

1:16:51.240 --> 1:16:56.439
<v Speaker 2>rid of that conflict. We don't really talk about the

1:16:56.720 --> 1:17:02.160
<v Speaker 2>gray space in the relationship where it's not always a

1:17:02.280 --> 1:17:05.400
<v Speaker 2>joyous ten and it's also not a zero, but there's

1:17:05.439 --> 1:17:08.519
<v Speaker 2>that area where it's a five and y'all are just

1:17:08.600 --> 1:17:11.559
<v Speaker 2>like working together and building together and it's hard and

1:17:11.600 --> 1:17:16.840
<v Speaker 2>it's stuff and it's and it's beautiful, but also not

1:17:17.120 --> 1:17:20.120
<v Speaker 2>as interesting as you know the first month you were together.

1:17:21.760 --> 1:17:27.000
<v Speaker 2>And so yeah, I think that just just waking up

1:17:27.000 --> 1:17:31.360
<v Speaker 2>from the fantasy of what a relationship is and knowing that, like,

1:17:31.520 --> 1:17:35.240
<v Speaker 2>it is something that is worth working for, but there's

1:17:35.320 --> 1:17:38.800
<v Speaker 2>work and there are more questions to ask besides just

1:17:38.920 --> 1:17:41.120
<v Speaker 2>like you know, do I want to fuck this person?

1:17:42.120 --> 1:17:44.080
<v Speaker 2>Or do I want to be married? Like they're they're like,

1:17:44.080 --> 1:17:46.600
<v Speaker 2>because what is the marriage? All the focus is on

1:17:46.640 --> 1:17:50.519
<v Speaker 2>the wedding, right we we I mean, baby, When Matthew

1:17:50.520 --> 1:17:54.120
<v Speaker 2>and I were considering having a wedding. I think that

1:17:54.360 --> 1:17:58.320
<v Speaker 2>the chairs alone, we were priced at like five K

1:17:58.479 --> 1:17:59.040
<v Speaker 2>and I was like.

1:17:59.040 --> 1:18:04.040
<v Speaker 5>I still alone, I'm not spending five thousand dollars. Well

1:18:04.160 --> 1:18:07.320
<v Speaker 5>some fucking chairs, I just said. We went to the courthouse,

1:18:07.320 --> 1:18:09.519
<v Speaker 5>which was lovely and I highly recommend going to a courthouse.

1:18:09.600 --> 1:18:10.839
<v Speaker 5>We went to the one in Santa Barbara.

1:18:10.880 --> 1:18:12.880
<v Speaker 2>But you know, I was like, we get lost in

1:18:12.920 --> 1:18:16.000
<v Speaker 2>the fluff of the fantasy. There there are relationships people

1:18:16.040 --> 1:18:18.680
<v Speaker 2>going into debt for the wedding and having no consideration

1:18:18.720 --> 1:18:20.200
<v Speaker 2>about like, well, how does it set you up for

1:18:20.240 --> 1:18:23.200
<v Speaker 2>the marriage? Anyways, Now I'm going on a different tangent,

1:18:23.280 --> 1:18:26.240
<v Speaker 2>but you und to see what I'm saying. Sometimes I

1:18:26.280 --> 1:18:28.679
<v Speaker 2>said this, sometimes we don't know the elements of our life.

1:18:28.720 --> 1:18:30.640
<v Speaker 2>We look for someone to come in and tell us

1:18:30.680 --> 1:18:33.519
<v Speaker 2>what it is. So this is just continuing on with

1:18:33.680 --> 1:18:37.920
<v Speaker 2>this idea of people, don't don't look for somebody to

1:18:37.960 --> 1:18:41.880
<v Speaker 2>complete you know who you are, get curious about who

1:18:41.880 --> 1:18:46.360
<v Speaker 2>you are, advocate for who you are, and then understand

1:18:46.360 --> 1:18:49.559
<v Speaker 2>what it is that you're trying to call in to

1:18:49.680 --> 1:18:52.800
<v Speaker 2>your life. And that can be romantically, that can be platonically.

1:18:52.920 --> 1:18:57.280
<v Speaker 2>But I think the more you spend time learning about

1:18:57.400 --> 1:19:00.880
<v Speaker 2>you which you should always be doing, whether in relationship

1:19:01.000 --> 1:19:03.519
<v Speaker 2>or not. But the more you spend time learning about you,

1:19:03.960 --> 1:19:07.120
<v Speaker 2>what makes you happy, what upsets you, what you crave,

1:19:07.360 --> 1:19:09.800
<v Speaker 2>what you can do away with? What are your your

1:19:09.840 --> 1:19:11.720
<v Speaker 2>weak points? What are your strong points? What do you

1:19:11.760 --> 1:19:15.439
<v Speaker 2>trip over? What do you build? The more you can

1:19:15.560 --> 1:19:19.360
<v Speaker 2>know about you instead of relying on somebody else to

1:19:19.360 --> 1:19:22.120
<v Speaker 2>tell you who you are. I think the the the

1:19:22.120 --> 1:19:27.519
<v Speaker 2>better shot you have at building something beautiful with someone again,

1:19:27.560 --> 1:19:30.880
<v Speaker 2>whether that is romantic or platonic or you know business.

1:19:31.520 --> 1:19:33.840
<v Speaker 2>The more that you know you You don't have to

1:19:33.880 --> 1:19:35.880
<v Speaker 2>know everything, you don't have to know anything, But the

1:19:35.920 --> 1:19:40.360
<v Speaker 2>more you can know, the more you the the the

1:19:40.479 --> 1:19:45.799
<v Speaker 2>clearer the path will be. I think. Yeah. Also, Blinda

1:19:45.800 --> 1:19:51.920
<v Speaker 2>did it? That's Brianna and Blinda did it. I love

1:19:51.960 --> 1:19:55.000
<v Speaker 2>you all so much. You can find me on Instagram

1:19:55.080 --> 1:19:57.400
<v Speaker 2>as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can find our

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<v Speaker 2>podcast at tell Me Something mess and you can join

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<v Speaker 2>our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe,

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<v Speaker 2>you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex and self and

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<v Speaker 2>so much more. Also, I want to hear from you,

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<v Speaker 2>so send your topic ideas, your messy stories, your submissions

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<v Speaker 2>your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy at gmail

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<v Speaker 2>dot com. You can also call us at six six

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<v Speaker 2>nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six nine six

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<v Speaker 2>ninety six three seven seven nine. Rate, review and share

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<v Speaker 2>this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring HOE friends.

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<v Speaker 2>Really really helps the show out.

1:20:37.120 --> 1:20:37.479
<v Speaker 3>All right.

1:20:37.560 --> 1:20:40.080
<v Speaker 2>Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick

1:20:40.120 --> 1:20:42.439
<v Speaker 2>before you make it spit, make sure they eat the

1:20:42.520 --> 1:20:47.720
<v Speaker 2>kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.

1:20:48.200 --> 1:20:51.040
<v Speaker 2>And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you

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<v Speaker 2>are so deeply loved. I love you, Hi, Thank you

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<v Speaker 2>so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If

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<v Speaker 2>you all enjoy the sh send the episode to someone

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<v Speaker 2>else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was

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<v Speaker 2>executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.

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<v Speaker 2>Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts

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<v Speaker 2>from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app

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<v Speaker 2>or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.