WEBVTT - Misspelling : resTORItive 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:12.920 Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:14.640 Here we are. 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:20.560 It's December, which is a trying time, the holiday season 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:21.880 for everyone. 0:00:22.040 --> 0:00:22.599 I believe. 0:00:22.880 --> 0:00:26.480 I am a single mom now five kids, a lot 0:00:26.560 --> 0:00:30.680 going on, a lot to unpack designer of course. 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:31.440 Except the stuff I sold. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:39.519 But doctor Hillary, help me, help me. Yes, I'm ready. Okay, So, 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:44.199 oh my gosh, where do we begin? So May sixteenth, 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:47.040 nineteen seventy three. I was born in Los No. 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:49.559 I'm just kidding. I'm just getting imagine. 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:55.240 Sorry, I use jokes a lot, and I'm aware that 0:00:55.960 --> 0:00:57.120 is a coping mechanism. 0:00:57.360 --> 0:00:59.520 What does that mean? I've never asked anyone. I just 0:00:59.600 --> 0:00:59.959 do it. 0:01:00.200 --> 0:01:03.920 So glad you're talking about it. I think it's worth 0:01:03.960 --> 0:01:07.120 while to look at both sides. On one hand, humor 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:12.480 is an amazing way to compartmentalize hard stuff and trauma 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:17.360 and chronic despair and hopelessness and frustration and anxiety and 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:22.240 all that. And compartmentalization is a critical component of like 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:27.039 getting through tricky times. If you're assaulted by your feelings 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:30.480 on the regular, it's hard to make choices. So humor's 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:33.520 a great way to be able to silo some of 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:36.880 the hard stuff. But you're sort of alluding to the 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:41.240 fact that it's possible you overuse it, right, and if 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:45.760 you do, why, And is there some avoidance of hard 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:50.760 moments or awkward pauses or issues that feel really vulnerable 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.240 or showing up in a way that puts you in 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:56.920 a light that feels uncomfortable. It's not like a good 0:01:57.000 --> 0:01:59.720 or bad right, wrong, past fail. It's not dichotomous. It's 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.440 just going to be curious about if it's something that 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:03.920 you rely on regularly. 0:02:04.200 --> 0:02:08.280 I feel like I use it a number of reasons. 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:11.519 I think it's one to people please, because I'm a 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:16.800 people pleaser to a fault. I think I have learned 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:21.280 throughout my life that my sense of humor people respond to. 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:26.840 Obviously it's entertained people on screen, but it also in person. 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:29.880 I see people smile and laugh, and it brings me 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:35.440 great joy to make people happy. So I do use 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.400 it as that. And the people pleasing thing is like, 0:02:38.760 --> 0:02:39.720 not okay, I'm. 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:40.080 Aware of that. 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:43.120 I'm aware of everything. I just don't know how to 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:47.240 go to the next step. And I'm not everything. If 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:49.200 I was aware of everything, I wouldn't be here with you. 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:53.120 But how to like evolve past like Okay, I'm aware, now, 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:55.799 how do I take action? But I also I think 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:57.680 it's a way to not have to deal with my 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:02.079 feelings as well, and and my feelings are a hard thing. 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:04.760 I also joke with everyone, I'm like, I'm dead inside, 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:07.800 like I don't have feelings, and I'm like, duh, I 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:11.400 have feelings, like they're there. It's hard for me to 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:15.280 access my feelings though, Like you show me a movie 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:18.040 with like dogs and kids, and I'm like crying like 0:03:18.080 --> 0:03:22.720 a baby. But you talk about like any feelings about 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:26.400 my life and I'm like, nope, nothing link slate. 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:29.600 And so you have sort of a I mean, my 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:33.679 quick hypothesis is you have sort of like a intricate, intricate, 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:37.800 sort of exquisite, well oiled machine of like you know, 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:43.320 sort of diminishing and minimizing and avoiding and denying hard stuff. 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:46.400 And I imagine you came by that. Honestly, we aren't 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:50.760 so born with that. It comes out of some version 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.080 of overwhelm or trauma where the system kind of short circuits. 0:03:55.120 --> 0:04:00.400 It's like too much, too vulnerable, too emotionally, uh, sort 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:04.240 of draining, and we come up young with a way 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:06.480 to get past that and through it and to not 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:10.440 feel assaulted and violated and undoing it. You bring up 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:14.000 something so important because oftentimes people have the insight but 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:16.800 don't really have a place to go from there. And 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:19.680 I often say, like, insight alone is not enough. I 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.480 can't have people walking around with like an understanding of 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.440 what is going on with them, but with an inability 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:29.839 to intervene and shift and make changes over time. I mean, 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.200 you can't get to one without the other. But one 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:36.320 alone does not lead to changes or sustainable changes, you know. 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:40.000 So I think I'm sure it's true that some culmination 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:43.560 of traum and experiences led you to find this way 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:45.520 and to develop a sense of like, oh, this is 0:04:45.560 --> 0:04:48.920 how I get value. I people please and people laugh 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:52.400 at my jokes, and I'm now identified with this way 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:54.320 of being through the world, and in the absence of it, 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:57.760 I'm not like as valued and as oriented and grounded 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:03.000 and sort of stable and so shifting that requires you, 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:05.440 and this is the hard part and why people usually 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:06.800 end up saying like I don't know what to do, 0:05:07.080 --> 0:05:10.080 but requires you to abandon that in a moment, you know, 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:14.440 to stay silent, to stay quiet, to get curious about 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:18.160 what you're feeling, inside, and even if you come up emptier, 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:20.520 even if you come up messy, you know that you 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:23.520 stay with it. The messy is where everything is. And 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:26.400 if we like won't sit next to our messy and 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:29.160 like make friends with it, so to speak, we stay 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:31.880 kind of swimming on the surface. And we all do 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:34.160 that to a certain extent because sitting extra a messy 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:37.680 is scary and overwhelming, but it really is the only 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.359 way to get to like the heart and meat of 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:43.840 our feelings, and otherwise we remain symptomatic. 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:48.359 Yeah, that makes sense, It makes sense. But on the 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:52.680 other hand, what happens if you're in constant fight or 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:55.559 flight mode all the time? People are like, oh my gosh, 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:58.720 you know, have you been in therapy since, you know, 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:02.359 since the divorce, now your single mom, there must be 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.200 so much to talk And I'm like, honestly, I haven't 0:06:05.200 --> 0:06:08.159 had a chance. And it's hard for people listen, if 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:10.080 you're not in somebody's shoes, if you're not behind the 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:12.599 closed doors every day, it's really hard to put yourself 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:14.920 in somebody else's shoes. We all look at social media 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:17.000 and it looks great out there. That's not what's really 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:20.320 going on. We're putting our best foot forward on social media. 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:23.719 What lies behind that is all the stuff that only 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.800 our key circle knows about if we let them in. 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:30.520 So when I say fighter flight, and it's hard for me. 0:06:30.720 --> 0:06:36.400 I'm so conditioned in this lifetime to be labeled words 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:40.400 since birth, like you know, wealthy, entitled, Hollywood. You know, 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:43.520 it's just nepotism. It just goes on and on and 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:46.960 on that I'm very quick to say, like, oh, I'm 0:06:47.000 --> 0:06:49.200 already wanting to say, you know, fight or flight, And 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:52.279 I'm like, but my situation's not as bad as somebody. 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:53.960 Else's and that's just me condition. 0:06:54.080 --> 0:06:57.000 And I know though that it's like it's very individual, 0:06:57.040 --> 0:07:01.480 but I'm so used to getting such outwardly harsh responses 0:07:02.080 --> 0:07:04.479 to my life no matter what. And I'm not saying 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:08.320 poor me here, I am defending myself again, But it's 0:07:08.560 --> 0:07:12.320 just I feel like since my soon to be ex 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:15.920 husband and I separated, it's been fight or flight. It's 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:22.120 been constant with five kids, and you know, whether it's emotionally, 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:28.680 physically financially, we've just been going and there hasn't really 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.280 been that moment where it's like my soon to be 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:34.239 ex husband used to say, put the oxygen mask on first, 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:38.440 and I'm like, absolutely not. I'm understanding that better now, 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:42.320 but I just still am like, you know, the meantime, 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:47.679 I trying, but it's just when life keeps serving you things, 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:52.840 unexpected things daily on a daily basis, like you know, okay, 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.160 you know, you're like, oh, I got past that, and 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:58.640 then you have a plan all of a sudden boom 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:04.000 and it's dated. So it's hard for me to take 0:08:04.160 --> 0:08:05.840 awareness to execution. 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:18.000 There are a number of reality components that you're describing, 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.040 but I imagine they're intersecting with what we were talking 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:25.080 about before, which is that system of avoidance and denial 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:28.360 and minimization, right, and which is then there's that which 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:30.360 is quite complex. I mean, that's that's sort of a 0:08:30.360 --> 0:08:32.680 lot of emotional residue to work through. So let me 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:36.360 say a couple of things to unpack, which is, divorce 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:41.520 is nothing short of a trauma. And I'm please I 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:43.720 get the opportunity to sort of say that out loud. 0:08:43.800 --> 0:08:47.120 It's really important in my clinical work to conceptualize divorce 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:50.599 that way. It is a trauma, and all the requisite 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:53.280 things that go along with a trauma occur, and they 0:08:53.320 --> 0:08:56.800 occur in different ways. Of different intensities for different people. 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:58.480 And this is whether or not the divorce is like 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:03.760 mutual and ambica or something else. It is a paradigm shifting, 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:09.080 soul altering, life changing set of events that mean reorienting 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:13.520 in every role you embody, as mom, if you have kids, 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.440 as a single person, as a professional. There's a sort 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:20.120 of redefining and reorienting that goes on that is nothing 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:23.640 short of traumatic. And so I am not surprised to 0:09:23.679 --> 0:09:27.040 hear that you've experienced as many women going through divorce do. 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:33.040 Fighter flight system constantly activated. And the fighter flight system 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:36.079 is sort of like an asterisk is a thing. It's 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:38.959 a real thing, and it's in place from like all 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:40.760 those years ago when we had to be ready to 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:42.720 run away from like a bear or who is going 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.280 to attack us, and our bodies filled with like adrenaline 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:49.760 and cortisol, and our muscles are now ready to run 0:09:49.800 --> 0:09:52.720 and our heart is ready to pump so we can 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:54.920 use our body the way that we need to. That's 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:57.640 what happens when fight or flight occurs, when we're having 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:02.040 an emotional response, and in the aftermath of trauma, it's 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:06.320 actually a false alarm because while you're going through something hard. 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:11.400 You're not literally in danger, so the emotional labor of 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:14.720 carrying around fight or flight systems over an extended period 0:10:14.760 --> 0:10:18.439 of time is really oppressive. And I think that's what 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:21.280 you're kind of alluding to, And so your listeners might 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:22.760 sort of be like, well, what are you talking about. 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:25.160 I'm sure you can get to therapy, but that's really 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:27.840 what you're talking about is kind of an itatability to 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:31.640 move past this false alarm that's going on filling your 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:34.880 body with adrenalinine cortisol. It's hard to make it through 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:37.760 the regular goings on of the day with that occurring, 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:40.680 let alone to sort of mobilize resources to get to 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:43.760 a place that's going to be confrontative and vulnerable. So 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:46.480 I think that's one piece of it that I imagine 0:10:46.520 --> 0:10:48.360 is going on for you, and that I observe going 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:50.760 on with almost every woman going through divorce, no matter 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.200 what kind of divorce it is. And then the second 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:55.840 piece I think is a version of like, Okay, yeah, 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:58.880 but still why aren't you there? But really, why aren't 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:06.080 you there? I think looking at the sort of cumulative fear, 0:11:06.440 --> 0:11:10.079 it sounds like that has been curated over years for 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:13.040 you of like what does it actually mean to sit, 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.160 as you said in my mess, you know, to sit 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:20.040 in my vulnerability, to sit in my flaws, to sit 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:22.760 in the part of me that's like really deserving. Like 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:26.480 what does it mean to carve out that space for myself? 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:30.880 Is like a declaration of the soul. I mean, it's 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:32.599 not a small thing, you know, if you're going to 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.760 do it right, and so embodying that is a bigger 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:37.840 thing than just I'm going to make a phone call 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:41.559 and go to therapy. It's making a decision about yourself. 0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:43.800 And I wanted to go back to what you said, 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:46.720 which was your ex husband soon to be x husband 0:11:46.720 --> 0:11:49.120 said you got to put on your oxygen mask first, 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:54.000 and you said, absolutely not. And my question to you 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:57.880 is is why why is that your reaction. 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:00.880 Going back to everything you just said, I have feelings. 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.600 I got really emotional inside and teared up when you 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:07.280 said deserve me. It hit me really hard there it 0:12:07.320 --> 0:12:11.840 needs I don't feel like I deserve anything. Yeah. 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:14.880 Yeah, and that's my whole life there, I said it. 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:21.000 Stay with that. I imagine it intersects with what you 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:25.240 shared with us before, which is coming into your role 0:12:25.360 --> 0:12:29.160 in life kind of involuntarily with the trappings around you. 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:33.959 I think pull for a sense of like I can't 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:37.240 need or want anything. I've been given all these things. 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:40.920 Yeah, I grew up that way and that's it. Yeah, 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:44.040 I don't know how to get that back, you know. 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:48.800 And I read everybody's posts and my phone. Your phone 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:51.360 gets to know you, and it's like, which is really 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:54.800 weird sometimes because I'm not that constipated, but it's like 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:57.360 it pulls up things all the time and it's just 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:01.080 like empowering and and I'm like, I get it. I 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:04.800 want to be that girl, like I'm ready. And then 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:09.560 something insides like you don't deserve it. I'm like, oh, 0:13:09.600 --> 0:13:12.079 like I've kept myself small for so many years because 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:15.280 I thought I didn't deserve it because of who my 0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:18.200 dad was. And I was handed at nine o two 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:22.280 and oh, but I'm aware that while I was handed 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.480 at nine two and oh, I created that character. I 0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:29.400 sustained that character, I embodied that character. I made that 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:32.440 character what it was. I'm aware of that, but I 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:34.719 still can't get back to Sorry, I'm going like all 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:37.640 the way back now, but it just it comes from 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:41.800 that and it's hard to change at fifty one years 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:46.480 old and I feel like I'm constantly climbing that hill 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:50.560 and I'm like almost there, and then something happens. And 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:52.840 I know everyone can relate to this on different levels, 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.360 but it's like, Okay, here I am made it again 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:01.200 on my own and booms, look back down that hill again. 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:02.319 You know, it goes away. 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:06.600 And also I'm in a business where things aren't consistent, 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:12.080 you know, it's not financially consistent or you know, is 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:12.680 it stable. 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:16.280 And with five kids, I feel like I'm sorry. 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:21.080 I'm constantly letting them down because my life is not. 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:23.040 Stable. 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:28.360 Their lives are not stable. Yeah, the love's there. I 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:31.920 can give love and an abundance, but they're on this 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:35.720 roller coaster with me, unfortunately. And it's things I never 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:40.120 as a parent, financially things, you know. And work was 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:43.360 really stable for quite a long time, you know. 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:45.920 I had multiple shows and multiple. 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:49.840 Product lines and brands and just was a workhorse and 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:55.800 an empire. And that's when I had four of my kids, 0:14:56.720 --> 0:15:00.760 and you know, so they were able to see a 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.600 different side. They were able to have certain life that 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:09.080 I provided for them through work, and then all of 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:12.200 a sudden, you know, things weren't stable, and you know, 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:16.120 life goes on, and so they've now you know, they're 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:19.600 privy to more than I think that I'm comfortable with 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:23.200 children being privy to just because we move as a 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:26.760 family unit now because we're just and I know I 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:29.560 shouldn't say fight or flight, but it's like we're going. 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:33.880 They're on this journey with me, and I can't any 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:37.600 longer keep things from them and be like everything's fine. 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.920 And also, I have children that are old enough that 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:44.680 read things online, and you know, they read the false stuff, 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:47.320 but they read the semi accurate stuff and they read 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:48.520 the true stuff. 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:52.440 So the requirement is to narrate it for them in 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:59.160 a way that's digestible and validates their experience. And I'll 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:01.560 say more about that moment, but I want to frame 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:06.760 it in this paradigm I see in my practice and 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:11.760 my work. I see adult clients right and in I 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.320 don't know, ten twelve years that I've been doing this, 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:20.440 the adult client that is doing the best and is 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:24.720 the most adaptive is a client that is clear about 0:16:24.760 --> 0:16:28.200 the love and investment and commitment and guidance and support 0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:33.600 from their parent or parents. Not necessarily the client who 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:38.520 hasn't had ups and downs in terms of their external stability. 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.880 This isn't to deny the reality of what your kiddos 0:16:41.880 --> 0:16:45.400 are going through. If things are unpredictable on those fronts, 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:47.120 that's a real thing and it's going to have a 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:50.760 real impact. But think it's really important for you to 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:57.760 hold on to the intangible, kind of almost unnameable value 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:00.560 of what you like set as a throwaway, which is 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:04.960 love and abundance. So that's cool, it's not just cool. 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:11.400 It's centering, it's everything. It's orienting and owning that. Embodying 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:16.080 that to yourself and narrating that to your kids deliberately 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:20.280 is a really important part of moving through a crisis 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:23.160 or a version of trauma or difficulty that you could 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.160 say out loud, like you may have noticed, like things 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.680 are unpredictable, like week to week, we don't know what 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:35.520 we're able to purchase, and that is really hard. And 0:17:35.560 --> 0:17:39.959 I'm sure that feels confusing and frustrating and upsetting. And 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:41.600 I'm here in front of you telling you I can't 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:46.320 fix it, and I'm validating our experience and I'm with 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.920 you through it even though I can't make it all 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.679 okay right now. But what I can do is like 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:57.120 unending bottomless love for you. Are teenagers and even little 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:58.520 kids going to turn around and be like, oh my God, 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.520 thank you so much. I feel so much better. Maybe 0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:03.399 maybe not, But what we're doing is we're what I 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:07.240 call breadcrumbing. We're leaving them a message that they can 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:10.359 pick up the pieces of as they begin to conceptualize 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:13.480 and understand their life and their own story. And that 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:18.200 story is the story everyone wants. I see many, many, 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:20.600 many clients a week. All people want is to feel 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:23.840 like they're loved and wanted and invested in and cared about. 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:27.600 So make sure that you keep that as a grounding 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:39.360 truth as you move through this time. Don't be afraid 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:41.560 to go to the hard thing. Meaning if you know 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:44.359 a hard thing happened this week, a hard month occurred, 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:47.320 a hard six months occurred, don't be afraid to say 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.720 it out loud, don't deny it, don't dismiss it. Doesn't 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:53.920 have to be this Christmas is going to be hard, 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:56.639 but like last year's was good, Like you don't have 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:58.840 to make it okay. You can say I know this 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:01.680 is hard, I know it feels bad, and like I'm 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:03.560 here with you and til it feels just a little better, 0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:08.199 that is parenting and connecting and like community during a 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:12.320 time of difficulty. So I think it's critical for you 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:16.320 to feel like nothing can take that part away from you. Nothing. 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:16.919 I have a. 0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:20.399 Question for you, what if love's not enough as it 0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:21.520 relates to your children. 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:22.320 I don't know. 0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:26.320 I feel like in relationships sometimes you have to realize 0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:29.439 in a relationship and a partnership that it falls apart 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:33.840 and sometimes love wasn't enough. Does that apply to everyone 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:35.200 in your life, even your children? 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:35.760 I don't know. 0:19:36.440 --> 0:19:41.800 I do and the answer is with children, love is enough, absolutely, unequivocally, 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:45.320 the answer is yes. I in my work that, as 0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:47.040 I said, I've done for ten twelve years. I work 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:51.440 with parents and their kiddos and individuals, and it is 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:59.120 the core wound of every suffering being is experiencing imagining. 0:19:59.040 --> 0:20:00.679 A lack of love and value. 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:05.119 Almost everything can be traced back to that, and having, 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:13.920 particularly a parent's love, unwavering imperfect comes into different kind 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:16.280 of flavors and doses because we're humans. But that is 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:21.280 unwavering and narrated is just invaluable. It's a different question 0:20:21.320 --> 0:20:24.080 as it relates to other relationships, which we can and 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.080 should talk about. But I think it's really important to 0:20:27.280 --> 0:20:30.800 make that distinction. It is all kids want to know, 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:35.560 and when those kids become grown ups, it's part of 0:20:35.840 --> 0:20:42.040 what makes their life more tenable and resources and interventions 0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:45.760 when they face suffering and hard time more accessible. Is 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:49.040 knowing that at their core they're valued and love so 0:20:49.200 --> 0:20:52.439 it is enough. And given what you've described so far 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:54.840 in our conversation, say, I think that's a really important 0:20:54.840 --> 0:20:57.800 thing for you to orient yourself around daily. That doesn't 0:20:57.840 --> 0:21:01.760 mean you don't acknowledge and narrate and take them through 0:21:02.000 --> 0:21:06.080 the suffering that they're enduring, given whatever financial dress is 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:09.240 going on and whatever emotional hangovers they have as being 0:21:09.280 --> 0:21:11.440 children of a divorce, right, I mean, there's a lot 0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:16.360 going on for them. But the answer is yes, a relationship, 0:21:17.040 --> 0:21:20.280 particularly a romantic one, but sometimes in a friendship. Sometimes 0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:25.439 sadly with family, love isn't enough and the dysfunction and 0:21:25.480 --> 0:21:32.240 toxicity requires separation so kurt is minimized or eliminated. Not 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:33.639 with kids, we stay in it. 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:37.760 But also like being a single mom and they're with 0:21:37.920 --> 0:21:42.480 me and their dad and I are super amicable and 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:47.400 you know, working through everything for the futures of separate families, 0:21:47.440 --> 0:21:50.880 but the kids live with me. I'm the primary caretaker 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:55.080 and as a single mom providing for them, it's just 0:21:55.119 --> 0:22:00.000 like there's times when I'm working and I'm hustling. 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:01.840 In the last three months, I've. 0:22:02.000 --> 0:22:06.040 Really been working my butt off, and I'm super grateful 0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:10.520 for that work. But it's like it's been constant and 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:14.320 there were days. You know, my kids range from seventeen 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:16.600 to seven. The seventeen year old to sixteen year old, 0:22:16.680 --> 0:22:18.480 a thirteen year old, a twelve year old, and a 0:22:18.520 --> 0:22:22.680 seven year old. And to be honest, and she calls 0:22:22.680 --> 0:22:25.840 herself this, My six year old, who is my eldest daughter, 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:30.320 has always said I'm the second mom, and she really is. 0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:33.080 And when I'm working. 0:22:32.760 --> 0:22:35.720 It's we don't always have the luxury of you know, 0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:39.240 people have babysitters or nannies or housekeepers or things like that, 0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:42.719 so it's we're just us. And I know that's probably 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:45.320 really hard for the public to understand, but it's true. 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:47.960 You know, it's all on me and the kids. And 0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:50.280 when I'm working and I'm gone all day, you know, 0:22:50.320 --> 0:22:53.359 it's it falls a lot on my six year old 0:22:53.720 --> 0:22:58.399 to really oversee the family and take care and I 0:22:58.560 --> 0:23:01.199 feel really guilty when I come home at the end 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:04.000 of the day, granted I could have been working a 0:23:04.119 --> 0:23:07.119 fourteen to fifteen hour day. I come in and I 0:23:07.280 --> 0:23:10.719 feel so you know, she's also a junior in high school, 0:23:11.440 --> 0:23:14.960 she just got her learners permit. She is doing so 0:23:15.280 --> 0:23:18.280 great and she has a full plate. And then I 0:23:18.280 --> 0:23:22.399 feel like, here I am putting what is my quote 0:23:22.480 --> 0:23:27.240 unquote in my mind, my job onto her, and it's 0:23:28.760 --> 0:23:32.520 that feels bad inside. So, you know, during these last 0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:34.720 three months when I've been working constantly, and I was 0:23:34.800 --> 0:23:37.600 just out of town filming a movie for three weeks, 0:23:38.280 --> 0:23:40.520 and I'm grateful I was able to have someone come 0:23:40.520 --> 0:23:43.000 to stay with them during that, but it's still during 0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:45.919 this three month period of work, work, work, I'm not 0:23:46.000 --> 0:23:49.160