1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,200
Speaker 1: Hey, hey, bea fam Welcome back to Brown Ambition. It's

2
00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:05,920
Speaker 1: your host, Mandy Money. I'm here to tell y'all talk

3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,160
Speaker 1: about money, career, building a life you actually want to live,

4
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,559
Speaker 1: not just one that looks good on paper. So it's January.

5
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you all that you know what time

6
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,920
Speaker 1: it is. You know it is cold, it is frigid,

7
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,840
Speaker 1: and it's the time of year when we are looking

8
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,599
Speaker 1: back at the year before and getting ready to set

9
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,520
Speaker 1: some big goals. We want to make more money, we

10
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:27,040
Speaker 1: want to save more, invest more. You're listening to Brown Ambition, baby,

11
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,320
Speaker 1: You're in the right place. However, I've been doing this

12
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,280
Speaker 1: long enough to also know that sometimes putting that much

13
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,960
Speaker 1: pressure on ourselves doesn't necessarily lead to motivation, or if

14
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,839
Speaker 1: it does lead to motivation, maybe we're motivated for a

15
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,479
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, a couple of months, and then quickly

16
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,960
Speaker 1: our goals can lead to a path that ends with anxiety,

17
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,840
Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to other and just straight up shame. Shame

18
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,640
Speaker 1: we feel about falling off track, Shame we feel about

19
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:57,080
Speaker 1: having surprises that up that send us off track. Shit happens.

20
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,600
Speaker 1: So instead of doing an episode where I'm going to

21
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,880
Speaker 1: help you set brand new goals for the year, and

22
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,200
Speaker 1: it's all about new Year, New you. I wanted to

23
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:09,360
Speaker 1: revisit a conversation I had with board certified therapist, speaker,

24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,720
Speaker 1: and writer Asia Evans. She's the author of Feel Good

25
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,440
Speaker 1: Finance and a financial therapist herself, So I had Asia

26
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,360
Speaker 1: join me for a quick convo about how we can

27
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,319
Speaker 1: go into this new year setting financial career, any types

28
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,080
Speaker 1: of goals that we have in a way that's not

29
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,000
Speaker 1: going to lead us down this dark path where we

30
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:33,360
Speaker 1: end up having regrets and basically feeling terrible. If you're

31
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,600
Speaker 1: someone who's ever looked at your bank account and thought

32
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,920
Speaker 1: I should really be further along by now, or why

33
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,959
Speaker 1: do I keep messing this up? This episode is for you.

34
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,760
Speaker 1: I promised you by the time you finished with this conversation,

35
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,840
Speaker 1: and you're going to learn how to be much kinder

36
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,640
Speaker 1: to yourself and two you're going to fall in love

37
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,680
Speaker 1: with my pal, Asia Evans. I am so excited for

38
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,960
Speaker 1: y'all to hear it. Happy Happy New Year, Brown Ambition fam,

39
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,240
Speaker 1: and to my new listeners, welcome to the show. I

40
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,160
Speaker 1: hope that you are loving it. I am always here

41
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:05,440
Speaker 1: for y'all's feedback comments, questions. Hit me up. I'm Brown

42
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,959
Speaker 1: Ambition Podcast at gmail dot com or you can DM

43
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:14,839
Speaker 1: me on ig at Brown Ambition Podcast. Hey Asia, thank

44
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,200
Speaker 1: you so much for coming back to Brown Ambition and

45
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,000
Speaker 1: check it in with me.

46
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,520
Speaker 2: Happy New Year, Happy New Year, Mandy, thank you for

47
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:20,960
Speaker 2: having me.

48
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,359
Speaker 1: I had to have you back, even just to have

49
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:28,040
Speaker 1: this little brief conversation because I'm someone who I'll typically say,

50
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,480
Speaker 1: you know, okay, I don't want to go over the

51
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,440
Speaker 1: top with my goals for the year, and then I

52
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,800
Speaker 1: just can't help myself. You start reflecting on, you know,

53
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,720
Speaker 1: what happened in the past year, and you start to

54
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,800
Speaker 1: think where you can improve things. And I want to

55
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,000
Speaker 1: set these goals like I think everyone else does, with

56
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:50,680
Speaker 1: a mix of yes, ambition and intention and excitement. But

57
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,320
Speaker 1: I don't want to make these goals so extreme that

58
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,080
Speaker 1: I'm setting myself up to fail. And I know a

59
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,960
Speaker 1: lot of our listeners are probably going through that same

60
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,480
Speaker 1: mental sort of gymnastics, like setting up these goals not

61
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,200
Speaker 1: ambitious but not too much and kind of just leading

62
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,959
Speaker 1: us down this you know, trail to eventual disappointment, shame,

63
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,040
Speaker 1: all the bad things. As a financial therapist, like what

64
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,919
Speaker 1: would you say how can we prevent ourselves from ending

65
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,000
Speaker 1: up in that situation?

66
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that this is the time where

67
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,160
Speaker 2: it's so easy to go down that rabbit hole of

68
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,160
Speaker 2: goals and lofty ones and some realistic but maybe some

69
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,320
Speaker 2: that aren't so realistic. And I think really the main

70
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,200
Speaker 2: point is that you have to get really honest with

71
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,799
Speaker 2: yourself about what you are capable of doing. Get honest

72
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,560
Speaker 2: with yourself about your time constraints. What does your time

73
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,320
Speaker 2: look like, what does your energy look like. I think

74
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,280
Speaker 2: a lot of times we're like, ooh, January is hitting,

75
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,280
Speaker 2: let's do it. But a lot of frequently for people,

76
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,280
Speaker 2: especially if you live in a colder climate, January is

77
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,840
Speaker 2: kind of the time where we're hibernating and saving up energy.

78
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,000
Speaker 2: So if you are trying to kind of go from

79
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,880
Speaker 2: zero to hero when it's twenty five degrees outside and

80
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,000
Speaker 2: getting dark at four thirty and then you want to

81
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,520
Speaker 2: beat yourself up in February because you haven't hit all

82
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,840
Speaker 2: your goals the way you thought you could, that sounds

83
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,240
Speaker 2: like more of a realistic problem to me. So really

84
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,600
Speaker 2: getting honest with yourself about when is the time of

85
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,520
Speaker 2: year for you to kind of tackle some of those

86
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,920
Speaker 2: goals that take more energy or are going to take

87
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,320
Speaker 2: more time for you, and what are your realistic time constraints,

88
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,839
Speaker 2: and then create the goals around what your life actually

89
00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:25,000
Speaker 2: looks like. I think it can be really easy, especially

90
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,159
Speaker 2: when you're scrolling on social media. And I'm guilty of

91
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200
Speaker 2: this all the time, of looking at a lovely twenty

92
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:34,240
Speaker 2: seven year old woman who is engaged but doesn't have

93
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,240
Speaker 2: kids and is taking care of her department, and I'm like,

94
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,719
Speaker 2: why am I not doing the same, And I'm like, well, Asia,

95
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,600
Speaker 2: you have a four year old and a six year

96
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,800
Speaker 2: old and you are ten years older, and you are

97
00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:48,279
Speaker 2: worrying about all these other responsibilities. So it's just about

98
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,719
Speaker 2: really grounding. And I say that because that is like,

99
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,440
Speaker 2: literally me, I do do that grounding yourself in the

100
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,839
Speaker 2: reality of your life.

101
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,560
Speaker 1: I like that what I'm hearing is something that I

102
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,440
Speaker 1: really struggle with, and I feel like a lot of

103
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:04,839
Speaker 1: people might. I am toxically optimistic sometimes and set goals

104
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,159
Speaker 1: that sound good. I kind of go by my gut

105
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,120
Speaker 1: a little too a little too much, and I'm like,

106
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,880
Speaker 1: but March it sounds great when in reality, July fifth

107
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,400
Speaker 1: is probably what is going to work for me with

108
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,360
Speaker 1: and so much. Sometimes it's about planning with the best

109
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,240
Speaker 1: case scenario in mind, and then also planning for like, okay,

110
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,440
Speaker 1: but what if these curve balls come in as they

111
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,200
Speaker 1: tend to do, and giving yourself that extra padding and

112
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,479
Speaker 1: extra time to make space for that. And often those

113
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,960
Speaker 1: curveballs can be out of our control and before you

114
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,680
Speaker 1: know it, we're completely off track with whatever goal or

115
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,960
Speaker 1: intention we set. Maybe it's you know, it's always something

116
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,239
Speaker 1: like I got a thousand dollars plumbing bill yesterday out

117
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,680
Speaker 1: and you know that's going to set me back on

118
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,320
Speaker 1: some goals that I have. And at the same time,

119
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,200
Speaker 1: I'm trying not to think, oh, it's worthless, like why

120
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,720
Speaker 1: even bother, you know, because these things are going to

121
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,479
Speaker 1: happen then and they can start to make you feel

122
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,800
Speaker 1: like this, what do you call it? Dismurged? Yeah? Yeah.

123
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,000
Speaker 1: What would you say to someone in that situation?

124
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say. I mean, first, we're going to

125
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,760
Speaker 2: talk about the financial aspect of like, hey, can you

126
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,440
Speaker 2: handle that emergency? Did you have to take on more

127
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,080
Speaker 2: credit card debt for that emergency? Did you have to

128
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:24,440
Speaker 2: completely derail yourself for said emergency? I think to your point,

129
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,919
Speaker 2: like we have these plans and we get so excited

130
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,000
Speaker 2: about them, and then if something comes up that doesn't

131
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,760
Speaker 2: kind of work perfectly into them, it feels like I'm

132
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,800
Speaker 2: at zero, i am starting over, when really it might

133
00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:38,360
Speaker 2: be well, you didn't go into any more credit card

134
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,440
Speaker 2: debt for that, like you did handle the emergency that

135
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,960
Speaker 2: you had, and now you just have to get back

136
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:48,520
Speaker 2: on track for your plan. And also, no, there will

137
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,000
Speaker 2: be another thing that comes up. So being again realistic

138
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,080
Speaker 2: and honest with yourself that it doesn't mean that you're failing.

139
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,039
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that you're starting from square one. You

140
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,520
Speaker 2: have a plan, so we're already steps ahead and knowing

141
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,880
Speaker 2: that you'll be able to manage it the same way

142
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,440
Speaker 2: you were able to manage the thing that came about.

143
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,640
Speaker 2: And then to the point of time when it's like, hey,

144
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,840
Speaker 2: is this a July goal instead of a March goal,

145
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,040
Speaker 2: it really does come back to like why are we sprinting?

146
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,320
Speaker 2: And does it have to be marched? So in January,

147
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,400
Speaker 2: March right now feels worlds away. It feels so far

148
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,960
Speaker 2: away right now, but in life, when you start planning

149
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,520
Speaker 2: it out and looking at your calendar, March really isn't

150
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,440
Speaker 2: too too far away. So maybe. And this is something

151
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,440
Speaker 2: I started doing with myself of hey, I'm going to

152
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,160
Speaker 2: under promise and over deliver. So I know we've heard

153
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,200
Speaker 2: that a ton of times, but really setting my goals

154
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,320
Speaker 2: that way. So instead of being mean to myself, which

155
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,480
Speaker 2: is again something that I can do and have a

156
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:50,040
Speaker 2: tendency towards, I am thrilled that I hit my goal sooner.

157
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,400
Speaker 2: So it would be better if you are planning it

158
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,600
Speaker 2: in a way that, hey, let me give myself all

159
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,000
Speaker 2: this balance and all this time, and look, I was

160
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,440
Speaker 2: able to hit it sooner than I thought. Then the

161
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,360
Speaker 2: naked you know, shitty committee that might be coming up

162
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,160
Speaker 2: in your mind when you don't hit the goals.

163
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, one hundred percent. It's like and I mean I

164
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,320
Speaker 1: really put myself on blast with that thousand dollars plumbing

165
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,040
Speaker 1: bill example, but yeah, no, no credit card debt, just

166
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,320
Speaker 1: able to pay it, but pissed off about it because

167
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:18,680
Speaker 1: it was not my pad.

168
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,840
Speaker 2: So all of that, guys, and it happens, and you know,

169
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,679
Speaker 2: when we feel uncomfortable, and if it wasn't one hundred

170
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,960
Speaker 2: dollars plumbing bill, it would be something else, right, And

171
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:29,960
Speaker 2: I this.

172
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,080
Speaker 1: Is a thousand okay, a thousand tell me why. I

173
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,439
Speaker 1: came back from my vacation over the holidays and none

174
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,320
Speaker 1: of my fosset's worked and it's just something that happens,

175
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:44,280
Speaker 1: I guess. Oh my god, all right, start by keep going.

176
00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,080
Speaker 1: I'm just a lucky homeowner with a two point five

177
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:51,800
Speaker 1: percent interest rate. Yeah me go down, Oh my god,

178
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,720
Speaker 1: this tiny house. Well, Asia Evans, it's such a pleasure

179
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,439
Speaker 1: to chat with you again and to have you here

180
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,320
Speaker 1: to help kick off our new year, and I just

181
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,760
Speaker 1: want to say wishing you and your family so much

182
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,840
Speaker 1: health and happiness this year, and hope to have you

183
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,280
Speaker 1: back on the show really soon.

184
00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:07,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you so much, Mandy, and same to you.

185
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,640
Speaker 2: And honestly, for everybody out there who's planning your goals,

186
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,240
Speaker 2: just be nice to yourself, be realistic, and be nice.

187
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,800
Speaker 2: It's not that serious. The only person that's upset about

188
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,720
Speaker 2: it is you, So why don't you make them so

189
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,240
Speaker 2: that you're not upset about them? You know.

190
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,520
Speaker 1: And if you can't be nice to yourself, surround yourself

191
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,319
Speaker 1: with people who like you a lot and they can

192
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:27,800
Speaker 1: be nice to you for you. That also helps. All right, vapam, Well,

193
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,720
Speaker 1: I'm gonna kick it over to the rest of my

194
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,760
Speaker 1: conversation with Asia one of my top episodes of twenty

195
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,840
Speaker 1: twenty five. I hope y'all enjoy happy, happy New year,

196
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,600
Speaker 1: take care, and I echo what Asia said, be kind

197
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:39,360
Speaker 1: by y'all.

198
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,120
Speaker 2: Shame comes up so frequently with my clients and with

199
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,840
Speaker 2: money in general. Right, it's not just like my clients

200
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,280
Speaker 2: who are coming to me to have these types of conversations.

201
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,760
Speaker 2: It's also, as I know, you know and can see

202
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,840
Speaker 2: and can hear from other people, people are just dealing

203
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,840
Speaker 2: with it silently. And I love what you said about

204
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,720
Speaker 2: talking about it and bringing it up is the antidote

205
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,920
Speaker 2: to shame, because I completely agree. I think it brings

206
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:12,000
Speaker 2: us out of this isolation and sadness and gloom that

207
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,600
Speaker 2: we can create ourselves when we start to spiral in

208
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,160
Speaker 2: our shame to think I'm the only one who's going

209
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040
Speaker 2: through this, nobody else is going through this. I you know,

210
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,720
Speaker 2: then the terrible things that you say to yourself right

211
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,920
Speaker 2: start showing up to all of that negativity, and it

212
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,280
Speaker 2: forces you inward versus forcing you outward where you can

213
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:35,160
Speaker 2: feel loved and appreciated even though you were going through

214
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,079
Speaker 2: a hard time.

215
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,079
Speaker 1: Jump in Asia, I want you to ask me what you.

216
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:50,360
Speaker 2: Just asked, So I think looking at why we have

217
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,840
Speaker 2: such a hard time feeling uncomfortable? And I don't say

218
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,280
Speaker 2: just we as in me and you, I mean we

219
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:02,960
Speaker 2: as a human collective. Why are humans so afraid to

220
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,120
Speaker 2: be uncomfortable?

221
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,920
Speaker 1: I love that question so much. It's funny because it's like, well, duh,

222
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,000
Speaker 1: you're a therapist, so of course you know that that's

223
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,480
Speaker 1: a crucial question to ask. But it is one of

224
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,160
Speaker 1: the key questions I have been working on to answer

225
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,000
Speaker 1: this past year of my life. I've been on this

226
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,440
Speaker 1: big mental health journey where I was just like, so overwhelmed.

227
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,280
Speaker 1: I'm sure that with ba fam, with all the things.

228
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,280
Speaker 1: I mean, I think I'm just like, if you look

229
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,400
Speaker 1: at my situation and you're like, what's wrong with her,

230
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:35,760
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, she's just a modern woman in her

231
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,480
Speaker 1: late thirties with kids, a mortgage, a business, a husband

232
00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:42,680
Speaker 1: and family and friends, and she's this is what happened

233
00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:44,040
Speaker 1: when you try to do all the things and this

234
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,480
Speaker 1: day and age is like, of course you're struggling. And

235
00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:52,000
Speaker 1: for me, the big journey has been how to sit

236
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:57,320
Speaker 1: in that discomfort and how to not obsessively or not obsessively,

237
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,160
Speaker 1: but how not to be afraid of it, so that

238
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:03,160
Speaker 1: you're constantly trying to fix it. And I want to

239
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,800
Speaker 1: talk about the ways, like when we're not able to

240
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:10,520
Speaker 1: like cope with just being uncomfortable, being anxious, not being

241
00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:15,000
Speaker 1: financially you know, secure, not having whatever it is that

242
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,839
Speaker 1: you want going on in your life. Like, in what

243
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,079
Speaker 1: ways are we hurting ourselves by constantly trying to fix

244
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:21,880
Speaker 1: that discomfort?

245
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,480
Speaker 2: That's a beautiful question. And I don't think that we

246
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,520
Speaker 2: think enough about how we're hurting ourselves trying to just

247
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,040
Speaker 2: get out of that uncomfortable feeling. So a lot of

248
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,560
Speaker 2: times when you are you know, there are the classics.

249
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,760
Speaker 2: You overspend, you go shopping, you order take out, you

250
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,960
Speaker 2: book a last minute trip where you know it's going

251
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,920
Speaker 2: to be far more expensive than it would have booked

252
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,959
Speaker 2: if you you know, planned it out a little bit

253
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,280
Speaker 2: more or gave it some time.

254
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,880
Speaker 1: You had a really terrible day and your life whatever,

255
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,040
Speaker 1: just do it. Throw caution to the wind.

256
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, correct, Like you know, I only live once. This

257
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,440
Speaker 2: is ridiculous, nothing matters. Every thing is crashing out all

258
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,760
Speaker 2: over the world. It feels so hopeless. But what I

259
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,120
Speaker 2: want people to understand is that when you are in

260
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,520
Speaker 2: that moment when you're in fight or flight, when you're

261
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,040
Speaker 2: in that crisis, your body is screaming at you to

262
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:18,840
Speaker 2: do something to make you feel more comfortable. That's just instinctually,

263
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,880
Speaker 2: that's what humans go through. And I want that thing

264
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,640
Speaker 2: that you're going to do, whatever that coping strategy is,

265
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,080
Speaker 2: to be something that you are going it's going to

266
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,560
Speaker 2: put you in a better situation longer term. So when

267
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:37,120
Speaker 2: we are in a crisis and we're reaching for our cards,

268
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,360
Speaker 2: we're reaching for our phone, we're ready to double tap,

269
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,360
Speaker 2: we're ready to just hit purchase, hit by. That is

270
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,320
Speaker 2: a short term win. It is in the short term

271
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,760
Speaker 2: going to make you feel better, and it does work,

272
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,480
Speaker 2: to be clear, like a lot of those things do work.

273
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,760
Speaker 2: You get that quick spike of dopamine and you're like, Okay,

274
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,840
Speaker 2: everything's great, I feel good. But the problem with that

275
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,160
Speaker 2: is that it doesn't last long and you will go

276
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,360
Speaker 2: right back to where you were before if you don't

277
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:10,120
Speaker 2: actually start addressing how you handle stress, how you handle

278
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,920
Speaker 2: that level of discomfort in a way that is a

279
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:18,040
Speaker 2: little bit more, a little less shortsighted and aiming at

280
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,960
Speaker 2: a long term change and shift in your life. So

281
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,960
Speaker 2: and I'll give an example of something that I did

282
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,160
Speaker 2: just recently. I myself was having a hard time just

283
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,280
Speaker 2: managing everything that you just said, because that's me too,

284
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:35,200
Speaker 2: a woman in her late thirties, two young kids six

285
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,720
Speaker 2: an under, and trying to build a business, trying to

286
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,520
Speaker 2: show up for my clients, trying to promote my book,

287
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,200
Speaker 2: trying to do all these things at the same time

288
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,640
Speaker 2: while I'm like, oh, I'm ready to get fit again

289
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,800
Speaker 2: and I'm ready to spend time with my friends again.

290
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,520
Speaker 2: And I honestly was just having a really hard time.

291
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,840
Speaker 2: And I was like, Asia, what would you tell one

292
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,960
Speaker 2: of your clients. I would tell them to feel the feels.

293
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,240
Speaker 2: So I just sat there and I cried and I

294
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,720
Speaker 2: was sad, and I'm like, I'm so upset and spiraled

295
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,720
Speaker 2: and then I did a really hard workout. And for me,

296
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,400
Speaker 2: when I'm in that kind of space, I don't want

297
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,920
Speaker 2: to do the workout. I'm not getting on that peloton

298
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,680
Speaker 2: bike like I can't wait to take this class. No,

299
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,640
Speaker 2: I'm cursing myself out. I'm upset that I'm doing it.

300
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:22,480
Speaker 2: I'm angry, and midway through the workout is when I'm like, okay,

301
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,440
Speaker 2: you were making it through this workout. This is awful.

302
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,040
Speaker 2: This feels bad listening to the motivational Tune Day telling

303
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,280
Speaker 2: me what I need to do.

304
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:39,680
Speaker 1: Tune Day, Ah, just too incandescent. She's just too stunning. Study.

305
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,800
Speaker 2: Yes, it's just like stunning.

306
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,960
Speaker 1: The bar is too high.

307
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, listen, we're not gonna look like

308
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:48,840
Speaker 2: Tune Day today.

309
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,520
Speaker 1: Yeah. Man, I mean, but that's why she got the job, right.

310
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,400
Speaker 2: Relation she's good at it. She is good at it,

311
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,520
Speaker 2: So sometimes I just need somebody to yell at me

312
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:06,600
Speaker 2: to crank the resistance and pedal faster and after that,

313
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,440
Speaker 2: and I'll be honest, like I tap in and and

314
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,360
Speaker 2: cry while I'm on the bike. I cried during my workouts.

315
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,600
Speaker 2: I cried during yoga. I'm a pretty emotional person. I'm expressive,

316
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,360
Speaker 2: but that's what I needed to then release that.

317
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,280
Speaker 1: Oh you're one of those ones who gets a deep

318
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,960
Speaker 1: stretch and you like unlock trauma.

319
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, looking for that stretch.

320
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,280
Speaker 1: I'm waiting for the stretch that just lets me get

321
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,000
Speaker 1: it all out, because I watch those tiktoks and I'm like, oh,

322
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,800
Speaker 1: that looks nice. Let me try that. Yeah, hasn't happened yet.

323
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,760
Speaker 2: It's mostly for me. Honestly, and I think this it

324
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,560
Speaker 2: talks about what we're talking about right now. It is

325
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,760
Speaker 2: mindset for me because I'm not just saying, oh, I

326
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,880
Speaker 2: need to get through this workout, I need to get

327
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:51,000
Speaker 2: through this pose or whatnot. It's you are strong, you

328
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,240
Speaker 2: can push through this. You have pushed through this before.

329
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,600
Speaker 2: You may feel alone, you may feel like you're the

330
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,240
Speaker 2: only one going through this, but you will be okay.

331
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:04,479
Speaker 2: And that when I'm weeping, and it is just a

332
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,920
Speaker 2: reminder of what my strengths are and what I'm pushing

333
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,520
Speaker 2: for and why I'm doing this. So I'm having a

334
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,480
Speaker 2: whole internal therapy session on myself when I'm working out,

335
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,480
Speaker 2: because I really do believe it's about mindset and that's

336
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,120
Speaker 2: what I want people to work on. When you find

337
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:24,320
Speaker 2: yourself reaching for something that's a little bit more short term,

338
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,600
Speaker 2: I want you to start thinking about, Hey, what can

339
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,800
Speaker 2: I do right now when I'm feeling so bad that

340
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,280
Speaker 2: is going to help me feel better even tomorrow, and

341
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,000
Speaker 2: that it could be something so small. You could meditate,

342
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,600
Speaker 2: you can exercise, you can take a shower, do something

343
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,800
Speaker 2: that is not going to be detrimental to yourself or

344
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,720
Speaker 2: to your finances. If you are going to feel bad

345
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:50,919
Speaker 2: about that coping strategy that you used in that moment tomorrow,

346
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,720
Speaker 2: then we cannot do it. I don't want you to

347
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,400
Speaker 2: continue the longevity of feeling bad because you're like, Oh,

348
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,880
Speaker 2: I'm mad that I did it that way. I'm mad

349
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,280
Speaker 2: I got out of that feeling that way because I

350
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,240
Speaker 2: don't think that's really what you want. You're trying to

351
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,040
Speaker 2: find relief, but not a lot of people understand what

352
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,200
Speaker 2: they need and that takes time.

353
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:14,760
Speaker 1: To Yeah, one of the ways that my anxiety was manifesting,

354
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,760
Speaker 1: like in terms of like the way I was coping

355
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,840
Speaker 1: with it after I had my two year old couple

356
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:24,120
Speaker 1: years ago. I would drop off my son, my older son,

357
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,720
Speaker 1: at school, and then I would like, and might you know,

358
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,680
Speaker 1: drop the baby off at daycare or whatever, and I'd

359
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,439
Speaker 1: have a lot of stuff going on to catch up on,

360
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,600
Speaker 1: and I would come up with a grocery shopping I'd like, oh,

361
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,520
Speaker 1: I need to go grocery shopping, and I would like

362
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,440
Speaker 1: spend and it doesn't feel like it's bad because it's

363
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,520
Speaker 1: grocery shopping, you know, but I would turn it into

364
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,600
Speaker 1: like a very long trip and I'd be out there

365
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,760
Speaker 1: for like two hours maybe I would go to one

366
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,840
Speaker 1: store and then I would go to another, like Marshals

367
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,120
Speaker 1: or home Goods or whatever, and it would all feel

368
00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:59,960
Speaker 1: like I'm doing it for the family, but I was

369
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,639
Speaker 1: also like avoiding, you know, the overwhelming amount of things

370
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,639
Speaker 1: on my plate, and the it's not just like the

371
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:11,520
Speaker 1: overwhelming amount of things, but the overwhelming amount of unfinalized, unanswered,

372
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,160
Speaker 1: unfinished things like the open endedness, you know how those

373
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,719
Speaker 1: like it'll be an email thread and you haven't responded

374
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,399
Speaker 1: in a day, and then that becomes two days, and

375
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,480
Speaker 1: then it becomes three, and each day you're like, why

376
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,120
Speaker 1: haven't I responded? This is like so rude, and then

377
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,919
Speaker 1: you just that anxiety stops you from just doing the

378
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,320
Speaker 1: thing and just responding. So that, for me is something

379
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,760
Speaker 1: that I won't even say was is something that I

380
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,080
Speaker 1: continue to try and cope with. But what I've had

381
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:44,840
Speaker 1: to do is like identify what those behaviors are. You

382
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,000
Speaker 1: see me shopping at BJS, You're not thinking, oh, wow,

383
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,080
Speaker 1: she's really like avoiding some stressful you know, she's a

384
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,479
Speaker 1: business owner who's really just like cope, like trying to

385
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,640
Speaker 1: self soothe, you know, in the Hampers aisle at BJ's

386
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:04,080
Speaker 1: right now no, but I have to recognize, Like it's

387
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:08,280
Speaker 1: like naming those behaviors and recognizing what it actually is.

388
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,480
Speaker 1: And that requires a level of like self awareness and

389
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,879
Speaker 1: self honesty that I think is really challenging, like to

390
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Speaker 1: actually get quiet with yourself and say, this is something

391
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,919
Speaker 1: that I do to soothe myself, this is a behavior

392
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,000
Speaker 1: that I'm doing and for my own like for my

393
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 1: own long term good, I need to stop this behavior

394
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,760
Speaker 1: and do something different. I so deeply understand that, and

395
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,160
Speaker 1: I feel like that's literally what feel good finances about.

396
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 1: Like literally that's exactly what I'm trying to help people do,

397
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,320
Speaker 1: is to take the time to get honest with themselves,

398
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,480
Speaker 1: to identify what the feelings are, what your triggers are,

399
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,479
Speaker 1: and then what you do that you don't really like

400
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,880
Speaker 1: that you're doing. So it could be yes, you can

401
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,439
Speaker 1: still go to BJS, you can still go grocries, but

402
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,040
Speaker 1: before you do that, you're gonna go call a friend

403
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,119
Speaker 1: and just be like, hey, I'm so overwhelmed. This is

404
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,960
Speaker 1: while my email box is looking insane and I don't

405
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,240
Speaker 1: want to tackle it. So I'm gonna go to the

406
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 1: grocery store, but talk me through what I'm eating this week,

407
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,320
Speaker 1: Like let's talk about like how I'm planning to go

408
00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:20,080
Speaker 1: to the grocery store versus like, I we really need

409
00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:24,720
Speaker 1: this eighteen pack of toothbrushes from BJ's, Like we need that, right, yes,

410
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,960
Speaker 1: and we also need you know, all the things that

411
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,800
Speaker 1: you end up buying when you're in these stores that

412
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,440
Speaker 1: you can justify for your family, and some of.

413
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:34,600
Speaker 2: Them I'm sure you do really need. But a lot

414
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 2: of it, to your point, could be coming from your

415
00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 2: desire to self soothe and how you are self soothing

416
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,400
Speaker 2: through that, not even the stuff.

417
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,679
Speaker 1: That makes me feel better. It's like it's just the time,

418
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,680
Speaker 1: Like I will go slow, I'll go up and down

419
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 1: every aisle. It may not be that I spend an

420
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 1: obscene amount of money. It's like the act itself is

421
00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:01,280
Speaker 1: like it's it's a distraction. It's a distraction. I love

422
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,360
Speaker 1: what you said about like calling the friend in advance.

423
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:10,360
Speaker 1: I also feel like being able to well one thing

424
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,840
Speaker 1: is like being an entrepreneur and being at home alone.

425
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,000
Speaker 1: Everything does feel like it's so you're the only one.

426
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 1: Like if I'm having a stressful day, I'm looking left

427
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,159
Speaker 1: and right. I got my dog who doesn't care, and

428
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 1: the walls. Yeah, and it's don't you feel like sometimes

429
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,800
Speaker 1: it is? You can have all the friends and community,

430
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 1: and I know black women one thing we love to

431
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 1: do is build community. But sometimes when you're in that moment,

432
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:43,120
Speaker 1: it can feel like the biggest task ever to reach out, text, call,

433
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,960
Speaker 1: go outside, knock on someone's door, you know, which may

434
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,440
Speaker 1: sound completely foreign to someone listening. You can feel so hard.

435
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:55,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it is. It is hard, And I think

436
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,439
Speaker 2: you need to know what you need right. So for

437
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 2: somebody like me, I love to talk it out. I

438
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,960
Speaker 2: am a verbal processor, which is very interesting because the

439
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,360
Speaker 2: majority of my life is built on listening to people.

440
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,440
Speaker 2: But for me personally, I do need to talk it out.

441
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,639
Speaker 2: I do need to verbally process like my thoughts and

442
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,679
Speaker 2: my feelings, so I know that that is going to

443
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 2: be something that can help me when I'm having a

444
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 2: hard time. But if you know that reaching out for

445
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 2: help in that moment is going to be hard, let's

446
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,679
Speaker 2: find something else that is a little bit easier, that

447
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 2: doesn't feel like it's going to be a new uphill battle.

448
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,399
Speaker 2: We want this to be something very easily accessible that

449
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,439
Speaker 2: you can just go to very quickly without having to

450
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,359
Speaker 2: think about it. And if that's calling a friend great,

451
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,159
Speaker 2: I love that, but it could be something else before

452
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,880
Speaker 2: you get to that point. But the most important part

453
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 2: of this whole cycle is to identify, Oh, I need

454
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:52,439
Speaker 2: to do something before I go to that other coping

455
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,920
Speaker 2: strategy that you know. I don't mind that I do,

456
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 2: but maybe I want to do something differently.

457
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,480
Speaker 1: Heyba fam, We're going to take a quick break and

458
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 1: be right back with more of my conversation with financial

459
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 1: therapist Asia Evans. All right, be a fan. We're back

460
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 1: in your book, do you talk about like the impact

461
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 1: that the noise around us can have? Like you may

462
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,360
Speaker 1: be fine, but you good. On your phone, you read

463
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,280
Speaker 1: the news and it's like, wait, the GDP's down this

464
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,680
Speaker 1: this month, this quarter, or it was down the first

465
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,680
Speaker 1: quarter or twenty twenty five, and it's like, oh, only

466
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,520
Speaker 1: one more, only one more down GDP And officially we're

467
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,280
Speaker 1: in a recession, but we won't know for another quarter. Right, So,

468
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 1: like all of a sudden, you could feel very anxious

469
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,400
Speaker 1: and then you're like what do I do with this feeling?

470
00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 1: Do you talk about that? Like what would you say

471
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,480
Speaker 1: to people like me who are struggling with that?

472
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, in the book, I don't really talk about that specifically,

473
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 2: I do talk about the noise of social media and

474
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 2: how quickly we can, you know, fall into comparing ourselves

475
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:57,159
Speaker 2: and go that route. But what I will say to

476
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,240
Speaker 2: you if this is something that you're struggling with about

477
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 2: the noise, and that's the same advice I would get.

478
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was me at six am.

479
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:08,240
Speaker 2: Right like, do not and I you know, I am

480
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,679
Speaker 2: you you U mean we're all living the same you know,

481
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 2: pattern of reality on the spectrum of the same reality.

482
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 2: Do not pick up your phone at six am and

483
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 2: start scrolling or looking at the news app like now

484
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 2: is just not the time in our lives. You can

485
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,359
Speaker 2: go do that at a time in your day, but

486
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,640
Speaker 2: six am, when you're opening your eyes and you could

487
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 2: potentially feel like, oh today is a beautiful day. Going

488
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,240
Speaker 2: straight into our news cycle right now is not the time.

489
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,880
Speaker 2: There's nothing good there right now, like we're not finding

490
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 2: it right now the headlines start that way. Yeah good.

491
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,120
Speaker 2: I don't I don't start.

492
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 1: Welling, you know, like no, no, no, I mean I

493
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,480
Speaker 1: don't intentionally go to my phone for the news. I

494
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,680
Speaker 1: will go to respond to a text from my mom,

495
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 1: which I was doing, or check I got some blood work. Results,

496
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: and I was like scaring through the blood work and

497
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: then I start googling what this you know acronym means

498
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,479
Speaker 1: when I should just wait for my doctor to call me.

499
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,680
Speaker 1: And then next thing, you know, it's like, oh, oops,

500
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,919
Speaker 1: I'm like reading some news that just popped up. And

501
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,439
Speaker 1: then yeah, it's like a it's a slippery slope.

502
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 2: It is.

503
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 1: Also it's like one of my neighbors we had this

504
00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:20,480
Speaker 1: like kind of we started this walking ritual that we've

505
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 1: fallen off of. And I woke up at six' ten

506
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,480
Speaker 1: AND i, said, Ooh i'm up early. ENOUGH i should

507
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,919
Speaker 1: GO i should Textl in and we should go for this.

508
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 1: Walk AND i was in bed on my phone until seven,

509
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 1: Fifteen so over an HOUR i spent in bed on

510
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 1: my Phone doom, scrolling.

511
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 2: Yeah and no bo not the, best but, again the

512
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,640
Speaker 2: dopamine is hitting in those moments right when you're. Scrolling

513
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 2: AND i do think there's a time and a place for.

514
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 2: SCROLLING i get, it BUT i also want us to, like,

515
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,200
Speaker 2: OH i can feel the breeze coming through my open,

516
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 2: window look at the sun coming, Up like we need

517
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 2: time to almost just be present before we go into.

518
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:03,440
Speaker 2: That AND i think similar to us talking about people

519
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 2: struggling being, uncomfortable we really struggle to be bored as,

520
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,200
Speaker 2: well and that going straight to your phone is a

521
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:13,119
Speaker 2: beautiful way to just kind of cure that. Momentarily especially

522
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,720
Speaker 2: when you're a, parent especially when you're working, hard it

523
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 2: is very easy to be, Like i'm just going to

524
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,479
Speaker 2: disassociate into The internet for a little. Bit and it feels.

525
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,200
Speaker 2: Nice it, does BUT i also want to make sure

526
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 2: that you're creating enough space for yourself to just be, like, oh,

527
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,159
Speaker 2: OKAY i woke. UP i got to wake up on

528
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,159
Speaker 2: my own VERSUS i don't know about, you but it

529
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,800
Speaker 2: drives me nuts when my kids come Like tralla lying

530
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,679
Speaker 2: in And i'm, like really, SLEEPING i do not do.

531
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,200
Speaker 1: No the two year old's been getting up at four

532
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 1: he's been getting up angry at four four am because

533
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,560
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to eat dinner and it's Very. Frusha

534
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 1: so last night we both like he didn't he was

535
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,080
Speaker 1: like he was a baby, Again like he slop through the.

536
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: Night it was.

537
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 2: Great, Yeah so it makes a. Difference so sometimes it is, like,

538
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 2: OKAY i want to go for a walk with my

539
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 2: neighbor THAT i need to get out of this. BED

540
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 2: i cannot look at my phone BECAUSE i know What

541
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 2: i'm going to. Do if that means you have to

542
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,720
Speaker 2: turn off your, notifications sometimes you have to turn them

543
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 2: off or let them just come to your phone at

544
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,680
Speaker 2: a certain, time that sort of. Thing so it is very,

545
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,239
Speaker 2: hard AND i want it can sound really nice when

546
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 2: you're listening to, us, like, Wow asia had all these cool.

547
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:23,080
Speaker 2: Things that's not. Realistic i'm not doing. That do what

548
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 2: you are what's going to work for? You figure that.

549
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 2: Out but WHAT i don't want people to do is

550
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,160
Speaker 2: feel like it's, impossible so they don't make any changes

551
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,480
Speaker 2: and then they're just stuck feeling. Awful so it sometimes

552
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 2: it takes, Work like you have to figure out what

553
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 2: that tweak in your life tweak and your habits is

554
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,160
Speaker 2: going to be that's going to allow you to feel.

555
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: BETTER i mean you almost you kind of, like and

556
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 1: this often, happens you sort of run through that list

557
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 1: of other things you could be. Doing you can, meditate

558
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: take a, walk call a, friend but, like let's slow

559
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 1: that down a little bit and just talk through what

560
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:01,719
Speaker 1: that can look. Like so let's say this is the

561
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,640
Speaker 1: beginning of the month right, now AND i know personally

562
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,680
Speaker 1: that has become a stressful time because all the big

563
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 1: bills hit at the beginning of the, month and you,

564
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:12,560
Speaker 1: KNOW i got to move money from business pay make

565
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,080
Speaker 1: SURE i might payroll, runs and Like i'm the only,

566
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,040
Speaker 1: employee but like THAT i pay myself and like is

567
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 1: there going to be? Enough and da da da, Da

568
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: and it's so the last week of the month before

569
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: like the last week Of, april it can kind of

570
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: just like you start to feel that like the weight

571
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: and the the anxiousness around. It AND i don't THINK

572
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 1: i did the best job soothing that this. WEEK i

573
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: THINK i. WENT i kind of fell back on some

574
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 1: like old habits in terms of like not shopping and

575
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,640
Speaker 1: things like, that but definitely like internalizing a lot of.

576
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: It so for someone like me or someone who's, listening

577
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 1: who knows that there's a lot of like big you,

578
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:59,240
Speaker 1: know bills that are coming to questions that have been,

579
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 1: unanswered and opening up the computer and just like getting

580
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 1: the things done to get those things paid can feel really.

581
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:11,400
Speaker 1: Overwhelming like it can feel like a crisis in and of.

582
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:16,080
Speaker 1: Itself it can feel like. Paralysis like in your, experience

583
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: what of those like coping mechanisms that you talked about

584
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,240
Speaker 1: or other habits can help like break you out of.

585
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 2: That, Yeah i'm all that romanticizing something that you don't

586
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:29,920
Speaker 2: want to. Do so if it is like opening up your,

587
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 2: computer is your workspace clean when you come sit? Down

588
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 2: did you get dressed that? Morning do you feel good

589
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,720
Speaker 2: about yourself when you're about to sit. DOWN i will

590
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,280
Speaker 2: get dressed for no reason When i'm not even gonna

591
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 2: be on camera in any, way shape or. Form it's

592
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,719
Speaker 2: just me Because i'm, LIKE i don't want to do,

593
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 2: This so how CAN i feel good doing? This SO

594
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 2: i want to give that to everybody. Listening how can

595
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,000
Speaker 2: you feel good doing something that you don't want to?

596
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 2: Do for, ME i REALLY i don't really love, coffee

597
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: BUT i love coffee. Shops So i'll go to a coffee,

598
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,120
Speaker 2: shop get some, tea and be, Like, Okay i'm going

599
00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 2: to crank out this work THAT i KNOW i don't

600
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,960
Speaker 2: want to do BECAUSE i like the, vibes and the

601
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 2: vibes are going to help. Me then start to do

602
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,960
Speaker 2: the things THAT i don't necessarily want to. Do so

603
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 2: how can you romanticize you what you get to do

604
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 2: and what you have to do so that it's not

605
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 2: feeling so dreary and daunting and just, Know, OKAY i

606
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 2: don't want to do, this But i'm doing this because

607
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 2: in cert blank here it's good for my. BUSINESS i

608
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 2: want to. GROW i remember waiting for the DAY i

609
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,480
Speaker 2: would be in this. Position i'm here. NOW i want

610
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 2: to make Sure i'm providing for my. Family whatever it

611
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,479
Speaker 2: is for, you whatever your why, is kind of ground

612
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 2: yourself in that before you go into doing the things

613
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,560
Speaker 2: that you have to. Do And i'm sure and especially

614
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 2: all of us who are running our own businesses and,

615
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,520
Speaker 2: entrepreneurs there was a time where you were hoping and

616
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 2: wishing and begging to be where you are at now

617
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,560
Speaker 2: and just grounding yourself and like young you and just being,

618
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 2: like you know, WHAT i get to do this BECAUSE

619
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 2: i did all this work before AND i don't want

620
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,160
Speaker 2: to but that's okay because it's going to help my.

621
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 2: Business so sometimes we just have to ground ourselves in,

622
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 2: romanticizing you, know the work that we don't want to

623
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,720
Speaker 2: do as well as the work that we get to

624
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 2: do because our business is at this. POINT i do

625
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:19,720
Speaker 2: like the idea of.

626
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: ROMANTICIZING i also think that like tapping into your younger,

627
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 1: self sometimes it's hard to remember those things when you're

628
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,680
Speaker 1: in the tough, Moment so, like what are some strategies

629
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 1: to help us? Remember, like for, example one of the

630
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 1: things that has helped me a lot is slowing down

631
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: and writing out and kind of answering some of those.

632
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 1: Questions so, like is it maybe having a, prompt like

633
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 1: having a little journal where you have some, questions like

634
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 1: if you're in crisis, mode ask yourself these, questions you,

635
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: know do you what do you?

636
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,320
Speaker 2: THINK i, Mean i'm a huge proponent of journaling and

637
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 2: writing and brain, Dumping SO i think when people, journal

638
00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:59,480
Speaker 2: they always have there's kind of this tendency to be, like,

639
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 2: oh prompt, one AM i journaling? ABOUT i need to

640
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 2: kind of start, it almost like a school. Essay And i'm, like,

641
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 2: yeah that's, great you, know but sometimes you just need

642
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 2: to get it. OUT i hope.

643
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,080
Speaker 1: SOMEONE i hope people will never find my.

644
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 2: Journal sometimes you need.

645
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:16,160
Speaker 1: To sometimes you have to write the worst things you've ever.

646
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 2: Said that's what it's.

647
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 1: FOR i pray no one ever finds my dream PRAY

648
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:24,920
Speaker 1: i need to burn. Them that's What i'm afraid, of

649
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 1: things That i've written in.

650
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:30,560
Speaker 2: There, yeah that's oh my, goodness speaking of, That LIKE

651
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 2: i have a journal from college that my. HUSBAND i

652
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 2: think he picked it up or saw it and THEN

653
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 2: i was, like, oh, yeah you could read. IT i

654
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 2: had no idea was in. There oh my, goodness, GIRL

655
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 2: i was going through. HEARTBREAK i had poetry in. THERE

656
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 2: i am not a. POET i had poetry in. THERE

657
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 2: i had like doodling how ANGRY i. Was it was

658
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,400
Speaker 2: just raw emotion in those. Pages and when he read,

659
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:56,800
Speaker 2: IT i did feel a little was, like oh my,

660
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 2: god MAYBE i shouldn't have let him read, it like

661
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,920
Speaker 2: a little. Exposed BUT i was, like you, know, me

662
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 2: this was like twenty years. Ago that's, okay AND i

663
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,440
Speaker 2: can laugh about it. Now But i'm, like, WOW i

664
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:08,760
Speaker 2: was going through.

665
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:13,680
Speaker 1: IT i found a lot of old letters from my,

666
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,839
Speaker 1: childhood AND i was, like you, KNOW i don't need these.

667
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:17,839
Speaker 1: ANYMORE i don't know Why i'm keeping. THESE i don't

668
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 1: need to remember all these like really intense. Moments CAN

669
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: i talk about you for a?

670
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:22,919
Speaker 2: Suck?

671
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:26,879
Speaker 1: YEAH i want to where do you come? From like

672
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 1: how did you what's your origin, story what's your story in?

673
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 1: General how'd you get into this practice that you have? Now?

674
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 2: Yeah SO i grew up in Upstate New, york that's

675
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 2: that's WHERE i hail, from and both my parents are

676
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 2: From New York, city so it's something THAT i always

677
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:44,279
Speaker 2: KNEW i would always live there at some point in my.

678
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 2: Journey BUT i REALIZED i wanted to be a therapist very.

679
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:51,280
Speaker 2: YOUNG i THINK i was, twelve and in True virgo,

680
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:55,480
Speaker 2: FASHION i literally mapped out the schooling that would need to,

681
00:34:55,760 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 2: happen like WHAT i needed to do for years to

682
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 2: get to a point WHERE i could be a practicing

683
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 2: therapist and what that would look. Like and you, KNOW

684
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:09,239
Speaker 2: i did those, things you, know went to, college went

685
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 2: to grad school for accounseling, psychology worked for two three

686
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,839
Speaker 2: years in a day, rehab became a mental health, therapist great.

687
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 2: Unlicensed at that POINT i was living In New York,

688
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 2: city which was. Great and then So i've been all

689
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,280
Speaker 2: over mental health for the last fifteen, YEARS i would,

690
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:33,839
Speaker 2: say just all over it anywhere from impatient community work as,

691
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:38,799
Speaker 2: well LIKE i, said rehab, clients, kids, adults, couples and

692
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 2: Then i've been in private practice for about my, goodness eight,

693
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 2: YEARS i think it. Is so three of those were

694
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 2: part time and then the last five years have been full.

695
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 2: Time but it was also DURING covid and five years

696
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 2: ago is also WHEN i decided THAT i really wanted

697
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 2: to niche down into financial, therapy and that happened by

698
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 2: way of my own. JOURNEY i fell in love with

699
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:04,360
Speaker 2: personal finance WHEN i was living In New, york not

700
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 2: understanding where my money was, going really struggling to understand

701
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 2: why didn't have more money in my? Account why wasn't

702
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 2: my credit card debt like just disappearing BECAUSE i was

703
00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 2: paying the. BILL i just didn't get. It and it's

704
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 2: BECAUSE i didn't. Know and AS i went on my

705
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 2: own personal financial, journey if you, will my, awakening that's

706
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:26,160
Speaker 2: WHEN i realized that my clients didn't know. Either my

707
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,400
Speaker 2: clients didn't have a place where they felt like they

708
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,600
Speaker 2: could talk about their, money feels that they could just

709
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 2: be honest about what was going. On they would just be, Like,

710
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 2: Oh i'm stressed about, Money i'm stressed about this, Relationship

711
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 2: i'm stressed about my. Family and then brush over AND

712
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,760
Speaker 2: i was, like oh, wait, wait, wait come back a little.

713
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 2: Bit let's talk about the money. Piece and nobody was

714
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,319
Speaker 2: talking about, it AND i really was, LIKE i need

715
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 2: to learn more about. This who's doing, this who's talking about?

716
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,400
Speaker 2: This and that's WHEN i found The Financial Therapy, association

717
00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:56,799
Speaker 2: which at this point Now i'm the president of the

718
00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:00,479
Speaker 2: board to. Them So i've been heavily. INVOLVED i found

719
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:04,960
Speaker 2: trauma of money and got Involved virgo, energy It's virgo,

720
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:11,640
Speaker 2: overachiever eldest, daughter it's all. Here it's all, here so

721
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,839
Speaker 2: and part, honestly it's part of my own money, beliefs, Right,

722
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 2: like even THOUGH i know it is not, TRUE i

723
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 2: know that there's a part of me that does believe

724
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,759
Speaker 2: IF i work, HARDER i will make. It i'll be,

725
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:29,759
Speaker 2: Okay i'll get there whatever that. Means and that's, true

726
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,760
Speaker 2: and it's not. True like there's a lot of people

727
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 2: making a lot of money who aren't working, hard and

728
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,359
Speaker 2: that's amazing for. Them BUT i need to figure, out you,

729
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,600
Speaker 2: know for my own self and my own, journey how

730
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 2: to manage those feelings and the nuances of what that

731
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,880
Speaker 2: looks like for my. Realities so WHEN i, say, like,

732
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 2: Listen i'm talking to my clients about you, guys but,

733
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:50,080
Speaker 2: LIKE i still have to go through it. TOO i

734
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 2: still have to understand and dissect my own money, story

735
00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:55,440
Speaker 2: and a lot of THAT i did talk about and

736
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 2: share in the book as, well BECAUSE i always want

737
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 2: peace to understand that you're not the only one going through,

738
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,760
Speaker 2: this AND i, think especially with, money it's very easy

739
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:07,760
Speaker 2: to believe that nobody else has been here. Before?

740
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:12,320
Speaker 1: Gotcha so you are your twelve year old selves wildest,

741
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 1: dreams like you did. It. Yeah so the financial, aspect,

742
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,520
Speaker 1: though in, practice what does that look? Like is it

743
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,759
Speaker 1: like half the session is mental health and like half

744
00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 1: we're going to look at your. Budget how does That

745
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,800
Speaker 1: i've never actually been through a session with a financial,

746
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,920
Speaker 1: Therapist so can you kind of talk me through what.

747
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 2: That Can, SO i mean it can look like whatever you.

748
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 2: Want i'm very client focused and client. Led so if you're, like, Hey,

749
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 2: asia let's talk about the, numbers Or i'm telling, you,

750
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 2: hey it's time for us to talk about the, numbers

751
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,880
Speaker 2: let's look at. Them THEN i will sit down with

752
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,800
Speaker 2: my clients And i'll take notes while they're, Like, okay

753
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,880
Speaker 2: these are my, bills this is what this is what this.

754
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 2: Costs let's build a budget together And i'll do that with.

755
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 2: Them but before we even get to the, numbers a

756
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 2: lot of the work that we've done is understanding what

757
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 2: their money story, Is understanding almost like their money autobiography

758
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 2: and what have they gone through in their upbringing that

759
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:10,520
Speaker 2: led them to where they're at. Today and that is

760
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:14,240
Speaker 2: When i'm pulling out different patterns or threads or themes

761
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,480
Speaker 2: that have happened and continued throughout their life and what

762
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 2: might be impacting what they do with their money.

763
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:24,319
Speaker 1: Today, hey, ba, fam we got to take a quick,

764
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:28,720
Speaker 1: break pay some bills and we'll be right. Back welcome,

765
00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:31,520
Speaker 1: back bea. Fam let's get back to the. Show and

766
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: are you working with like couples because Or i'm just

767
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 1: wondering individuals couples both? Both? Okay do you recommend like

768
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 1: if you're BECAUSE i just feel like if you're married

769
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 1: or at least you're living, together if you're co mingling your,

770
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,760
Speaker 1: finances if one person's in financial, therapy the other person

771
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 1: has to be. RIGHT i think it's so. Intertwined what

772
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:53,240
Speaker 1: do you, think.

773
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 2: Especially if somebody's. Married so there are times WHEN i

774
00:39:56,239 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 2: have worked with people And i'm treating the couple, right

775
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 2: so they're coming to me as a. Couple we might

776
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 2: be going through their money stories, individually just in a like,

777
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,080
Speaker 2: tripod if you, will so it's all three of us

778
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:11,839
Speaker 2: here having that kind of. Conversation but the problems that

779
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,680
Speaker 2: can happen if it's somebody seeing, me they're going through

780
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:18,000
Speaker 2: their money, story but something is getting lost in communication

781
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:21,279
Speaker 2: when they're trying to talk to their, partner or their

782
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,600
Speaker 2: partner isn't on board with what they're trying to do

783
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 2: or how they're trying to do. It and Sometimes i'm, Like,

784
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,239
Speaker 2: okay let's have a couple, session bring your partner. In

785
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:32,480
Speaker 2: we're all going to talk together and level. Set And

786
00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 2: i'm able to do that SO i can see an

787
00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:37,759
Speaker 2: individual and if they want to bring their partner, in,

788
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,320
Speaker 2: great let's chat about, it and THEN i can continue

789
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 2: seeing that. Individual i've had people Who i've started seeing

790
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 2: individually they're, like, oh, no we need to see you

791
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 2: as a, couple and then then we transition into just couple's,

792
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 2: work and that is very specific because we need to

793
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,360
Speaker 2: kind of close out that. Relationship And i'm almost like

794
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:59,040
Speaker 2: we're starting from square one as a couple BECAUSE i

795
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,800
Speaker 2: don't want anybody to ever feel. Slighted AND i also

796
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 2: make sure with the partner that this is SOMETHING i

797
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:08,480
Speaker 2: feel good entering into If i've had an established relationship

798
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:10,520
Speaker 2: with the other person. Before so there are a few

799
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 2: dynamics that come into. Play but, yeah both parties need

800
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:16,840
Speaker 2: to be prepared to do this work and also be

801
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,319
Speaker 2: prepared That i'm going to be in your, business Like

802
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:23,720
Speaker 2: i'm going to be all up in your business and that's.

803
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:26,800
Speaker 1: Hard like what do you have a dashboard or, something

804
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,240
Speaker 1: or like do you have to GET.

805
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 2: I don't because passwords to? Accounts like what IF i

806
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:33,799
Speaker 2: look LIKE i don't want any. Passwords i'm not touching your,

807
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 2: Money i'm not looking at. It but WHEN i say,

808
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,120
Speaker 2: that it's a lot of people don't want to share

809
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 2: how much they. Make they may not have shared their

810
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,720
Speaker 2: salary with their. Partner they have trouble saying out, loud,

811
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 2: hey this is how much it cost us to run our.

812
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,520
Speaker 2: Life those, numbers especially being do.

813
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: You not do your taxes? Together how do you not

814
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 1: know what You're.

815
00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:57,360
Speaker 2: Some people don't. Know it is very. Shocking both parties

816
00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 2: in a marriage do not always know what's happening. Financially

817
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:06,760
Speaker 2: it just kind of gets done and that can cause

818
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 2: a lot of. Tension and what happens is that a

819
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 2: lot of couples don't talk about where each partner is coming,

820
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:17,480
Speaker 2: from like their history and why they act the way

821
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,839
Speaker 2: they do Now in a partnership with the money and

822
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:21,840
Speaker 2: that can cause.

823
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 1: Fo can you talk about some of the themes that

824
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:28,799
Speaker 1: come up for you when you're talking to, Clients like

825
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,920
Speaker 1: some of THE i think you. Like the way that

826
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 1: you expressed it earlier was like the stories that they're telling.

827
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,279
Speaker 1: Themselves WHAT i really want to know is, like out

828
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:43,440
Speaker 1: of the clients that you're working, with what's causing them

829
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 1: the most just like mental health, Struggle like what's causing

830
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:52,320
Speaker 1: them the most stress financially and how are you helping?

831
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 2: Them SO i would say money avoidance is a huge

832
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:59,759
Speaker 2: one for. People so that could be any money of

833
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:04,200
Speaker 2: W so that could be somebody is just totally avoiding their.

834
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 2: Money they are not looking at their, bills they're not

835
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:10,440
Speaker 2: looking at their, Accounts they're just kind of, hoping swiping

836
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 2: on a hope in a prayer and just being LIKE

837
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 2: i hope it goes. THROUGH i, Hope i'm, Okay but

838
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 2: they're not. Looking so that comes up for. People money

839
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:22,359
Speaker 2: hoarding comes up for, people which is LIKE i am

840
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:28,800
Speaker 2: so worried about security or stability THAT i am hoarding

841
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 2: all of my money in a savings account THAT i

842
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 2: can see THAT i can access any. TIME a lot

843
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:36,800
Speaker 2: of times it's not even a high yield savings. Account

844
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:38,759
Speaker 2: so it's just a lot of money sitting in this

845
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,359
Speaker 2: little savings account And i'm, like we have got to move.

846
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 2: That it cannot be. Here and a lot of that

847
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:50,720
Speaker 2: is coming from growing up and having less or worrying

848
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:54,720
Speaker 2: about your financial. STABILITY a lot of that's growing coming

849
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 2: from a place of nobody taught me what to do

850
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:58,800
Speaker 2: with this, money So i'm just gonna hold on to.

851
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,960
Speaker 2: It and that's like a tomorrow mean, problem but it

852
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 2: keeps getting pushed. Off and a lot of my clients

853
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,399
Speaker 2: are just dealing with what it looks like to be

854
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,280
Speaker 2: making more money than their, parents live a different. Life

855
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 2: then they grew up what it feels like to potentially

856
00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:15,560
Speaker 2: feel ostracized from a community while also trying to break

857
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 2: into a different, community and that leads itself to a

858
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 2: lot of identity work and just. Discomfort so When i'm

859
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,799
Speaker 2: working with, clients What i'm trying to help them do

860
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:32,600
Speaker 2: is understand why their past experiences are potentially harming where

861
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 2: they want to go, financially and sometimes they, aren't and

862
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 2: sometimes they are and that's, okay but it's just not

863
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:42,400
Speaker 2: what they want to be. Doing. Anymore they don't like it.

864
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:44,359
Speaker 2: Anymore So i'm, Like, okay what can we do that's

865
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:46,400
Speaker 2: going to get you closer to living your best? Life

866
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 2: what can we do that makes you feel like you

867
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:52,239
Speaker 2: can be financially well and enjoy the things that you

868
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:55,080
Speaker 2: want to. Enjoy because as much as we teach people

869
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:56,839
Speaker 2: to save, money we also need to teach people to

870
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,920
Speaker 2: spend money. Too so it's kind of this prong approach

871
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 2: of healing from some of the past things that you've

872
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 2: gone through and understanding it's going to be a part of,

873
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:07,920
Speaker 2: you but understanding that you don't need to hold on

874
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 2: to some of those old beliefs that don't apply to

875
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:14,640
Speaker 2: your life. Anymore and a lot of that is just reality,

876
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:17,759
Speaker 2: testing if you, will Of, okay, well what's the worst

877
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:20,040
Speaker 2: is going to? Happen tell me what's the catastrophe that

878
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 2: is going to happen that's going to mean that you're

879
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:26,200
Speaker 2: going to be, homeless or your money's going to be totally,

880
00:45:26,239 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 2: gone or that if you look at your, money what's

881
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:33,320
Speaker 2: going to? Happen and sometimes it's, like, well what happens

882
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:37,440
Speaker 2: if it's at? Zero what happens if it's? Negative what

883
00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 2: happens IF i have more money THAN i. Thought i'm, like, okay,

884
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,319
Speaker 2: well guess. What we're still going to be in this.

885
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:43,279
Speaker 2: Office it's still going to be me and you on

886
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:45,879
Speaker 2: this video chat, together and then we're going to figure

887
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:47,799
Speaker 2: out how you need to cope with the feelings that come,

888
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 2: up and we're going to talk about. It so it's

889
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:52,080
Speaker 2: literally just one foot in front of the, other and

890
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,720
Speaker 2: as you can, imagine it goes in many different ways

891
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:59,440
Speaker 2: and many different nuances to each. Individual you said people

892
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 2: need to learn how to.

893
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,400
Speaker 1: Spend do we really, LIKE i think we got that.

894
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 2: DOWN i mean a lot of us, do but not.

895
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:09,560
Speaker 2: Everybody not. Everybody i'm very, concerned especially and this comes

896
00:46:09,560 --> 00:46:12,320
Speaker 2: in with people who are more like tend to hoard

897
00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:16,080
Speaker 2: their money and they don't want to spend their. Money,

898
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 2: yeah they. Do they do not want to spend their.

899
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:20,440
Speaker 2: Money they are very concerned about what it's going to

900
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:22,920
Speaker 2: look like in the future if they have. ENOUGH i

901
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 2: wrote about in the book as. WELL a friend's father

902
00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:28,719
Speaker 2: so different generation than my typical. CLIENTS i usually see

903
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:31,960
Speaker 2: people somewhere between like twenty five to forty, five so

904
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 2: he is, older but he was telling me he's Like.

905
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,800
Speaker 2: Asia for, Decades i've been told to save this, money

906
00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:40,840
Speaker 2: to put it in, investments to squirrel away from my.

907
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:42,840
Speaker 2: Retirement and Now i'm here and you want me to

908
00:46:42,920 --> 00:46:47,719
Speaker 2: just spend. It And i'm, like, yeah, like don't Spend

909
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:49,720
Speaker 2: you're not gonna go spend all of, it but, yes

910
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 2: please go, Enjoy please go travel with your wife or

911
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 2: hang out with your grandkids or your loved. Ones, like,

912
00:46:56,719 --> 00:46:59,200
Speaker 2: yeah do what you want to do within your, means but,

913
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 2: yes please go spend. It and that is a very

914
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 2: large struggle for him and for a lot of people

915
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:08,719
Speaker 2: to feel LIKE i don't have anything, Incoming how CAN

916
00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:09,880
Speaker 2: i possibly just spend the?

917
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 1: Money M i, mean that's what retirement is supposed to.

918
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:14,880
Speaker 1: Be but you're, RIGHT i can, Imagine like that's a

919
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:19,440
Speaker 1: big mental. Shift like it also is like it kind

920
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:21,839
Speaker 1: of forces you to confront mortality in a way that's,

921
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:25,399
Speaker 1: Uncomfortable like you, MEAN i don't have that much time,

922
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:27,319
Speaker 1: Left So i'm like. Old is that what you're. Saying

923
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:29,960
Speaker 1: i'm not? Old like, no But i'm not. Dying like

924
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: you got to use. It you only have so many, Years,

925
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:37,440
Speaker 1: yeah use it before you lose. It. Hmmm. YEAH i

926
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:41,839
Speaker 1: was also thinking about Like i've had to And i've

927
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:44,120
Speaker 1: talked about this on the, show like get back in

928
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:47,000
Speaker 1: touch with HOW i spend my money and like WHAT

929
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:50,120
Speaker 1: i value and making sure that like What i'm How

930
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:52,319
Speaker 1: i'm spending my money lines up with WHAT i SAY

931
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:56,319
Speaker 1: i value and WHAT i actually, value because for, me

932
00:47:56,840 --> 00:48:01,239
Speaker 1: that's HOW i feel, Happier like with my my, expenses

933
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,120
Speaker 1: like HOW i can at least look at it and, say,

934
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:06,040
Speaker 1: well that was you, know something it has to do

935
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:09,400
Speaker 1: with such and such THAT i, value like for, example

936
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:14,000
Speaker 1: spending fifty bucks on like a sound bath versus spending

937
00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 1: fifty bucks ON i don't, know the eighteen pack of

938
00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:23,320
Speaker 1: toothbrushes AT pjs and like seven rotisserie chickens or whatever

939
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:27,239
Speaker 1: cost fifty dollars At pj's and being able to like

940
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:31,000
Speaker 1: tie that to something THAT i, value like my mental,

941
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:36,000
Speaker 1: health like self, care you, Know like can you talk

942
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 1: a little bit about? That and is that something that

943
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 1: you've seen in your?

944
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 2: Clients, yeah, WELL i think what happens with my clients

945
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:46,399
Speaker 2: and is especially because the, location, Right SO i do

946
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 2: believe that sometimes where you live can dictate what you

947
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 2: prioritize and what you. Value SO i am practicing In

948
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:58,440
Speaker 2: New York. CITY i tend to see people who, are

949
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 2: LIKE i, said twenty five to forty. Five so a

950
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:03,799
Speaker 2: lot of my clients are in the range of just

951
00:49:03,880 --> 00:49:06,520
Speaker 2: preparing for what it might look like to have a.

952
00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:11,400
Speaker 2: Family how do they prepare themselves to feel as stable

953
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:15,960
Speaker 2: as they can to start expanding their. Family and when

954
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 2: you live in a city that really does prioritize going

955
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:23,240
Speaker 2: out or spending a lot of money or looking a certain,

956
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:26,400
Speaker 2: way it can feel hard to then, say, hey we

957
00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:28,879
Speaker 2: can't do as much as we were doing before because we're,

958
00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:35,080
Speaker 2: prioritizing you, KNOW ivf we're prioritizing saving for a, house

959
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:36,400
Speaker 2: or we just want to make sure that we can,

960
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 2: expand expand our family or take care of, family whatever

961
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:42,920
Speaker 2: it looks like for. Them SO i think aligning your

962
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 2: values with how you want to spend your money is

963
00:49:45,920 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 2: very important for people to do and to spend some,

964
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:52,080
Speaker 2: time whether it's, journaling thinking about, it making a, list

965
00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:55,279
Speaker 2: to understand so that when you are saying no to some,

966
00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:57,920
Speaker 2: things which can be very difficult to set the boundary

967
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,800
Speaker 2: outside of yourself to say no to SAY i can't

968
00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:04,759
Speaker 2: Or i'm not going to go on that trip BECAUSE

969
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 2: i have something else going. On to ground yourself and

970
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:10,319
Speaker 2: why you aren't doing the things that you used to

971
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:13,399
Speaker 2: do because you're trying to get to your financial goal

972
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:16,839
Speaker 2: of something. Else so a lot of that is fortifying

973
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,680
Speaker 2: people to understand why their values are so, important how

974
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:21,839
Speaker 2: do they prioritize, them and then how do they set

975
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 2: healthy boundaries with other people so that they can continue

976
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,720
Speaker 2: to prioritize them and feel good about.

977
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:29,479
Speaker 1: It, okay SO i know we don't have very much time,

978
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:32,359
Speaker 1: left so why not talk about a huge topic that'll

979
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:37,480
Speaker 1: probably take another, hour but. QUICKLY i the REASON i

980
00:50:37,560 --> 00:50:39,840
Speaker 1: want to. TALK i want to talk about, shame financial.

981
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:43,640
Speaker 1: SHAME i actually got A dm from one of my

982
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:46,799
Speaker 1: cousins who hadn't seen in a, while and we were

983
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,640
Speaker 1: supposed to like see each other WHEN i was back,

984
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,480
Speaker 1: home and you, know for whatever, reason we didn't make it.

985
00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:53,760
Speaker 1: Happen and SO i got this message After i'd already,

986
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:57,080
Speaker 1: left and she was, saying, LIKE i didn't know how

987
00:50:57,080 --> 00:50:58,960
Speaker 1: to say, this But i'm actually having a really hard

988
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:03,040
Speaker 1: time where in between houses right. Now we're really struggling,

989
00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:06,919
Speaker 1: financially AND i didn't want you to think of us as,

990
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 1: trash you, know if you saw us and like it

991
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 1: was really heartbreaking to me BECAUSE i could just feel

992
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:18,040
Speaker 1: how much shame she had for being in a challenging

993
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:20,719
Speaker 1: position and then you, know needing a little bit of

994
00:51:20,760 --> 00:51:24,680
Speaker 1: financial help in that. Moment AND i at the same,

995
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:27,240
Speaker 1: TIME i was like proud of her for saying, something

996
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:30,640
Speaker 1: because the antidote to shame for me is like saying

997
00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:33,120
Speaker 1: the thing out loud and actually admitting that you're. Struggling

998
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:36,280
Speaker 1: but it did remind me just of how much SHAME

999
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 1: i think so many of us are caring because we

1000
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:42,000
Speaker 1: don't feel like we're doing as well as we should

1001
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 1: be or as other people think we should, be or

1002
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,239
Speaker 1: other people look like they're, doing and that can like

1003
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:52,480
Speaker 1: cause a lot of. Suffering so how does shame kind

1004
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:54,560
Speaker 1: of play into all of this and into your practice

1005
00:51:54,560 --> 00:51:55,839
Speaker 1: and working with your.

1006
00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:59,840
Speaker 2: Clients shame comes up so frequently with my client and

1007
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,560
Speaker 2: with money in. General, right it's not just like my

1008
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 2: clients who are coming to me to have these types of.

1009
00:52:04,719 --> 00:52:09,080
Speaker 2: Conversations it's, also AS i know you know and can

1010
00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:12,080
Speaker 2: see and can hear from other, people people are just

1011
00:52:12,120 --> 00:52:14,920
Speaker 2: dealing with it. Silently AND i love what you said

1012
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:19,600
Speaker 2: about talking about it and bringing it up is the

1013
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:24,080
Speaker 2: antidote to shame BECAUSE i completely. AGREE i think it

1014
00:52:24,160 --> 00:52:30,320
Speaker 2: brings us out of this isolation and sadness and gloom

1015
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:33,480
Speaker 2: that we can create ourselves when we start to spiral

1016
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:36,520
Speaker 2: in our shame to Think i'm the only one who's

1017
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:39,480
Speaker 2: going through, this nobody else is going through. THIS i you,

1018
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:41,920
Speaker 2: know then the terrible things that you say to yourself

1019
00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:45,880
Speaker 2: right start showing up to all of that, negativity and

1020
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:49,600
Speaker 2: it forces you inward versus forcing you outward where you

1021
00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:53,400
Speaker 2: can feel loved and appreciated even though you are going

1022
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:56,560
Speaker 2: through a hard. Time so it comes up a lot

1023
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:59,600
Speaker 2: in my, practice AND i want to also share that

1024
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 2: it comes not just when people don't have, money but

1025
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:04,720
Speaker 2: when people. Do AND i think that is much harder

1026
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:08,480
Speaker 2: for us to grapple with because we want to, believe

1027
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 2: especially In american, culture that if you have, money everything is,

1028
00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 2: great you have no. Problems but there's a lot of

1029
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:17,680
Speaker 2: people who have a lot of shame about being wealthy.

1030
00:53:17,760 --> 00:53:20,160
Speaker 2: Too AND i would say just as much shame as

1031
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:23,239
Speaker 2: people who don't have the money when they do have the.

1032
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:27,560
Speaker 2: Money so it's just a very complex thing that takes

1033
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:30,160
Speaker 2: time to break up because it takes time for people

1034
00:53:30,160 --> 00:53:33,480
Speaker 2: to be vulnerable enough to start bringing it to light to,

1035
00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:37,960
Speaker 2: Say i'm really struggling with the financial MISTAKES i. Made

1036
00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:40,640
Speaker 2: i'm really struggling with What i'm doing with my. MONEY

1037
00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:42,640
Speaker 2: i don't like this And i'm starting not to like

1038
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,319
Speaker 2: myself because of. It AND i think it can really

1039
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:47,600
Speaker 2: quickly go down the slippery slope when we start to

1040
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:52,080
Speaker 2: almost attack your self, esteem when you feel so isolated

1041
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:55,920
Speaker 2: and so buried in your. Shame and a lot of

1042
00:53:56,440 --> 00:54:00,440
Speaker 2: my work is reinforcing that people are still worthy even

1043
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:03,359
Speaker 2: if they don't feel great about their, money don't feel

1044
00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 2: great about money in, general have had, debt are making

1045
00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:11,200
Speaker 2: a ton of, money are. Different it's about figuring out

1046
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 2: how you can still love yourself and how you can

1047
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:16,440
Speaker 2: still take care of yourself even if it's not the

1048
00:54:16,440 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 2: way that you want to be able to right now

1049
00:54:19,600 --> 00:54:21,960
Speaker 2: to and also feel like you can have a community

1050
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 2: that supports you even though this stuff is going. On

1051
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,200
Speaker 2: AND i want to be clear That i'm not, Saying,

1052
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:30,320
Speaker 2: hey get up on your soapbox and tell the world

1053
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:32,880
Speaker 2: about your financial shame and tell the. World, no it

1054
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be all of, that but it could. Be,

1055
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:38,520
Speaker 2: Hey i'm talking to my really close family member about

1056
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:40,840
Speaker 2: this AND i feel really bad about, it OR i

1057
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,719
Speaker 2: am calling that friend to just be sad and to

1058
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:45,680
Speaker 2: just cry and Then i'm going to go about my.

1059
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:48,840
Speaker 2: Day so you can pick and choose who you share it.

1060
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 2: With BUT i really encourage people to start talking about

1061
00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:56,400
Speaker 2: it because that's really what breaks up the isolation and

1062
00:54:56,520 --> 00:54:58,880
Speaker 2: stops you from cocooning.

1063
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:02,320
Speaker 1: In, yeah talk about, it and then hopefully you're speaking

1064
00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:04,520
Speaker 1: to someone who could then encourage you on the step

1065
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:09,320
Speaker 1: toward yeah, something, yeah you, know to improve the situation

1066
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:12,759
Speaker 1: or just to like get through. It, well thank You

1067
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:17,400
Speaker 1: asia for joining me On Brown. Ambition, finally this interview

1068
00:55:17,440 --> 00:55:20,360
Speaker 1: is like a year in the making almost any last,

1069
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:21,439
Speaker 1: words where can people find?

1070
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:25,919
Speaker 2: You so you can find me On instagram At Ajae

1071
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:30,400
Speaker 2: therapy So i'm there on my, Website asiaevanscounseling dot, com

1072
00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:33,000
Speaker 2: and you can get Feel Good finance wherever you get your.

1073
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 2: Books but in, GENERAL i do want people to know

1074
00:55:36,640 --> 00:55:38,759
Speaker 2: that you're not the only one going through, this that

1075
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:41,640
Speaker 2: whether it's shame or just feeling really bad about, yourself

1076
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:45,200
Speaker 2: low self, esteem, depression, anxiety other people are going through it,

1077
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 2: too and people that you do not expect to be

1078
00:55:48,239 --> 00:55:50,520
Speaker 2: going through it are probably going through it too and

1079
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:54,319
Speaker 2: want to have these kinds of. Conversations so it might

1080
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:56,440
Speaker 2: feel big and scary at, first but it doesn't have

1081
00:55:56,480 --> 00:55:57,040
Speaker 2: to always be that.

1082
00:55:57,080 --> 00:56:01,560
Speaker 1: Way thank you so, much thank for Listening Brown. Ambition,

1083
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:04,799
Speaker 1: hey Ba, fam thank you so much for tuning in

1084
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:07,840
Speaker 1: to this. EPISODE i would love to hear what y'all

1085
00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,839
Speaker 1: want to hear this year On Brown. AMBITION i am

1086
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:16,160
Speaker 1: currently looking for some really juicy personal, finance, career, life

1087
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:18,840
Speaker 1: whatever you want it to be questions for twenty twenty

1088
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 1: six because we are bringing back Our baqa episodes Every

1089
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,720
Speaker 1: friday where we take your questions and give you our

1090
00:56:26,200 --> 00:56:29,840
Speaker 1: answers any dilemma you're. Facing you can email those questions

1091
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:32,960
Speaker 1: to me Again Brown Ambition podcast at gmail dot, com

1092
00:56:33,200 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 1: leave us a voice note or a text message At

1093
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:39,719
Speaker 1: Brown Ambition podcast on ig AND i cannot wait to

1094
00:56:39,719 --> 00:56:41,960
Speaker 1: hear from. Y'all i'm sending y'all so much, love warmth

1095
00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:43,719
Speaker 1: and light this new, year And i'm going to see

1096
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:48,000
Speaker 1: y'all next. Week Biba fam