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Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio

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Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. An illogical consequence is

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Speaker 1: when you say, you know what, you didn't come to

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Speaker 1: dinner when I called you. We're not going to the

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Speaker 1: beach on Friday. I don't like the way you're you're

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Speaker 1: talking to me. Go to your room. That's what parents do.

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Speaker 1: They pick a pull up consequence out of their rear

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Speaker 1: end and it has nothing to do with anything. A

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Speaker 1: consequence needs to be related to what the misstep was,

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Speaker 1: and more times than not, it will work. You guys,

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the final episode of the fourth season of

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Speaker 1: Katie's Crib. I know, I know, Okay, it is super sudden.

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Speaker 1: We didn't give you guys too much of a heads

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Speaker 1: up here, but thank you so very much from the

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Speaker 1: bottom of my heart for continuing to tune in for

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Speaker 1: the next a few months. So you know, Katie's Crib

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Speaker 1: is going on a break because I'm working on some

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Speaker 1: additional creative content that you guys are gonna be hearing

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Speaker 1: more about. Of course, we have Inventing Anna coming out,

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Speaker 1: the Shanda Rhymes Netflix show that I will be on.

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Speaker 1: I also have this holiday season Christmas Takes Flight, a

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Speaker 1: holiday movie on CBS. And speaking of CBS, my sitcom

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Speaker 1: Smallwood starring myself and the one and only Pete Holmes,

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Speaker 1: who was one of my favorite guests from this season,

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Speaker 1: coming out also on CBS. To stay tuned and all

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Speaker 1: of that. But do not worry, guys, Katie's Crib Wait

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Speaker 1: for It is returning first season five early next year,

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Speaker 1: so stay tuned. Now to wrap up season four, we

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Speaker 1: are going to talk about I'm so proud of this

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Speaker 1: episode because it really gets in there. We're talking about

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Speaker 1: all the cringe, e complicated, nuanced scenarios that commonly come

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Speaker 1: up when you're raising kids, like when your kid asks

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Speaker 1: about death or sex, or like when your kid is

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Speaker 1: a really picky eater, or when your kid just goes

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Speaker 1: up to a random woman and asks her when the

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Speaker 1: baby is coming out and the woman is definitely not pregnant. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's happened to me. There is no one that can

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Speaker 1: speak better to all of these hot topic issues than

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Speaker 1: Betsy Brown Braun. Betsy is the best selling author of

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Speaker 1: the award winning books Just Tell Me what to Say

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Speaker 1: and You're Not the Boss of Me. Betsy is a

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Speaker 1: school consultant. She's a child development to behavior specialist, a

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Speaker 1: parenting expert. She's the founder of Parenting Pathways, which is

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Speaker 1: a consulting service for parents. Betsy's parenting expertise has been

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Speaker 1: featured on USA Today, in The Wall Street Journal, The

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Speaker 1: New York Times, Nick Junior, and a ton of other

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Speaker 1: publications and like also from personal experience. Her and her

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Speaker 1: husband are parents of triplets, you guys, and she's grandparents

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Speaker 1: to six kiddos. Betsy, thank you so much for coming

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Speaker 1: on Katie's crib. Betsy Brown Braun, Hello, Hello Katie. I'm

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Speaker 1: glad to be in your crib. You have this incredible

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Speaker 1: website that I've also found to be so helpful. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: because in the same way, you have little videos on

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Speaker 1: these same things that I can watch very quickly of

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Speaker 1: like what to do. Can you just take us through

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Speaker 1: a little bit about how you come to know so

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Speaker 1: much about kids? Well, I um, I've been in the

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Speaker 1: field for a long time. I've taught lots of grades

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Speaker 1: of school. I started in nursery school. I was a

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Speaker 1: founding director of Wilshire Bullivard Temples School, and I've had

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Speaker 1: a lot of experience with kids. I have always loved kids.

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Speaker 1: I've always been interested in kids ever since my brother

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Speaker 1: was born. When I was eight years old, it was

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Speaker 1: a camp counselor. I mean, I worked in nursery schools.

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Speaker 1: I knew I was going to go into teaching, and

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Speaker 1: then wouldn't you know, I got pregnant with triplets. Everybody

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Speaker 1: take a moment for that. It's all breathe. But here's

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Speaker 1: the thing of it. This was before there was in

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Speaker 1: virtual My kids are turning forty three in two weeks,

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Speaker 1: so they're older than you are. I learned a lot

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Speaker 1: of what I know because I've lived it and I've

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Speaker 1: taught it, I've studied it. And I don't like a

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Speaker 1: lot of bs No, you say it like it is,

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Speaker 1: which is very very very helpful. What's a Betsi ism?

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Speaker 1: There are things that I'm known for saying, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't know what else to call them. Each age has

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Speaker 1: a certain behavior that typifies that age, and like I

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Speaker 1: call them the terrific twos because they're not terrible, they're

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Speaker 1: just the way they're supposed to be. And then there's

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Speaker 1: a theatrical threes. But then we get to four year olds,

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Speaker 1: and I call four year olds the fucking fours. Oh fuck, really,

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Speaker 1: it cannot possibly be worth than the theatrical threes because

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Speaker 1: I am in it, in it to win it. Well,

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Speaker 1: but here's the thing, so I'm known that's a betsism.

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Speaker 1: I say lots of stuff. So I talk about the

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Speaker 1: fucking fours and the Satanic sixes and all right, and

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Speaker 1: then I have other things I say, like, prepare the

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Speaker 1: child for the path, and not the path for the child. Damn,

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Speaker 1: that's good. Prepare the child for the path and not

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Speaker 1: the path for the child. When my life is falling apart,

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Speaker 1: I can like hear guests come into my head with

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Speaker 1: like a mantra. I will hear you say that for

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Speaker 1: the rest of my life. So thank you for that gift.

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Speaker 1: Well here's another one. Wait, let me give you another one.

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Speaker 1: You'll like, please give me all of them. Well, what

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Speaker 1: I do for my clients and my groups is I

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Speaker 1: print him in calligatory and I put it in a

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Speaker 1: bright color, and I say, hang this on your fridge

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Speaker 1: and it works. So here's my other, very favorite one.

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Speaker 1: The surest way to make life hard for your child

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Speaker 1: is to make it too easy for him. Yeah, are

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Speaker 1: you sensing? Are you sensing? I think you're giving me

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Speaker 1: exactly what I need. But I know how hard it

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Speaker 1: is to be a parent. It is really hard and

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Speaker 1: it's exhausting, and you have to be on your game

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Speaker 1: and sometimes you just want to say, put him back,

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Speaker 1: I'm done, I'm not too much. I get it. Or

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Speaker 1: sometimes you know when you have it, you know you

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Speaker 1: just want to break, so you give your kid the

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Speaker 1: inch and then he takes a mile. You have to

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Speaker 1: always never give an inch I mean in the in

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Speaker 1: my case for example, because he sniffs it out man well.

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Speaker 1: And the smarter they are, the more manipulative they are,

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Speaker 1: and they don't forget. So if some Thursday he's driving

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Speaker 1: you crazy, I when ice cream, ice cream, It's five

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Speaker 1: o'clock and you finally say, just have the goddamn ice cream,

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Speaker 1: right for the next five d thursdays, he's gonna ask

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Speaker 1: for ice cream. One yes will sustain him through a

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Speaker 1: thousand nose, another betsism, another betsism. So I know my

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Speaker 1: kid is hard now, but I also know that there's

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Speaker 1: gonna be really hard conversations in his future, like what

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Speaker 1: is death? What is sex? And I don't know what

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Speaker 1: to say? So can I go through with you a

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Speaker 1: few like key things like that, and you just drop

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Speaker 1: your truth knowledge on us and our listeners. I'm happy

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Speaker 1: to give you a taste of whatever you ask me,

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Speaker 1: I'll give you a taste. Okay, here's one. How do

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Speaker 1: I get my child to listen? That one will take

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Speaker 1: you only thirty years. Well, let's see, my kids are

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Speaker 1: forty three and they're not listening. Um, here's the reality.

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Speaker 1: You're a little guy, what's his name, Albe? So Albe

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Speaker 1: is not listening. I am sure his hearing is just fine.

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Speaker 1: The problem isn't that he's not listening. The problem is

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Speaker 1: that he's being defiant. I'm gonna give you a couple

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Speaker 1: of little hints on this. The word discipline the root

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Speaker 1: word in Latin disciplay ray. It means to teach. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean to punish, to make feel bad, to hurt,

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Speaker 1: to make cry, to shame. It means to teach. So

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Speaker 1: we're trying to teach our kids something. It is very

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Speaker 1: shortsighted to want to stop the behavior now because it

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Speaker 1: will come back, So you want to do something that

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Speaker 1: teaches him. We want our kids to understand that when

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Speaker 1: you choose a particular behavior, you are also choosing the

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Speaker 1: reaction to that behavior, so we give up consequence. That

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Speaker 1: makes sense. There are three kinds of consequences, natural consequences,

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Speaker 1: illogical consequences, and logical consequences. There are many people today

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Speaker 1: who say consequences don't work. I call bs they do.

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Speaker 1: A natural consequence would be when my son left his

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Speaker 1: water gun out on the grass and I said, taken in.

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Speaker 1: The dog's going to eat it because he eats plastic.

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Speaker 1: And he came out the next day and it was

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Speaker 1: in a million pieces and I said, oh well, and

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Speaker 1: I didn't buy him another one. An illogical consequence is

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Speaker 1: when you say, you know what, you didn't come to

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Speaker 1: dinner when I called you, We're not going to the

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Speaker 1: beach on Friday. I don't like the way you're you're

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Speaker 1: talking to me. Go to your room. You didn't clean

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Speaker 1: up your toys, no, I pad. Those are consequences that

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Speaker 1: have nothing to do with anything, and mainly that's what

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Speaker 1: parents do. They pick a pull a consequence out of

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Speaker 1: their rear end and it has nothing to do with anything.

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Speaker 1: A consequence needs to be related to what the misstep was,

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Speaker 1: and more times than not, it will work. Okay, let's

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Speaker 1: say a kid hits another kid. What's the consequence? Am

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Speaker 1: I at home or I'm at school? You are at

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Speaker 1: uh pool party? Okay? Hitting is a I mean that's all.

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Speaker 1: That's one of those topics because I ask you, if

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Speaker 1: you're child, how is his language? Is he communicating? How's

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Speaker 1: his frustration level? I mean, I'd be asking you lots

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Speaker 1: of questions. But if we've walked into the party and

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Speaker 1: I've said i'll be we're going to this party, there

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Speaker 1: will be other kids. If there is a problem, you

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Speaker 1: come and get me and I will help you. We

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Speaker 1: do not hit. If you need to hit, we will leave. Now.

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Speaker 1: The other part of this is maybe he doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to be there and he wants to leave, So maybe

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Speaker 1: he's goes, okay, we're off. No, But I understand that's

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Speaker 1: a logical consequence, right. It has to do with the

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Speaker 1: situation you are in. Although question, if the two things

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Speaker 1: your kid loves the most are dessert television, would it

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Speaker 1: go to say that when you take those away? Sometimes

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Speaker 1: those are the only things my son will stop for.

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Speaker 1: We were having issues where he's the kid that always

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Speaker 1: rips a toy from another kid, and we've been practicing.

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Speaker 1: It's gotten a lot better. But I do have to say,

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Speaker 1: there were a couple of days where I was at

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Speaker 1: my wits end and he had made so many kids cry.

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Speaker 1: That's such a bad way to say it. So many

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Speaker 1: kids had cried because he had pulled their toys away.

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Speaker 1: He didn't make them cry. It doesn't know what I

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Speaker 1: was doing. I had was at my wits end and

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Speaker 1: had said, if if we're going to go somewhere and

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Speaker 1: you are are having a very hard time, and and

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Speaker 1: it happens over and over again and you don't get

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Speaker 1: the toy and you don't come get me, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to have to take TV away tonight because I know

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Speaker 1: it's your favorite thing, but that's not great behavior. And

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Speaker 1: it worked. It worked that time. So did he to

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Speaker 1: stop taking toys away forevermore? Yeah? No, So it's that's what.

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Speaker 1: Oh so it's bullshit. Well, you're trying to look at

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Speaker 1: the big piece. You want your kid to understand that

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Speaker 1: it is his choice that you're choosing to make this happen.

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Speaker 1: That's the thing of it. Now, let's go back to

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Speaker 1: the pulling the toy away. First of all, just developing

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Speaker 1: those social skills, it takes time. So if I knew

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Speaker 1: that my kid was a grabber. I would be by

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Speaker 1: his side. I would be shadowing him, and he would

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Speaker 1: see him walking and say, oh, you see that Stevie

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Speaker 1: has an airplane. Do you want to turn with that?

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Speaker 1: He's gonna say yes, You're gonna say, let's go tell Stevie. Stevie,

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Speaker 1: when you're done, can I'll be have a turn? Okay,

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Speaker 1: And when you're done, will have a turn. And then

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Speaker 1: you turned, I'll be and say I know you want it,

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Speaker 1: and you are going to have a turn. This is

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Speaker 1: so great. But it's not like I can just be

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Speaker 1: like drinking by the pool. I have to shadow myself.

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Speaker 1: Those days are over. But there's nothing quite like it,

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Speaker 1: Tequila sunrise. I get one more thing here. The two

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Speaker 1: mistakes that parents make too often when it comes to

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Speaker 1: the kid who is not listening. They warn too many times,

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Speaker 1: and they don't follow through with their threats. That's it,

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Speaker 1: you guys, That's it. When parents say I tell him

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Speaker 1: ten times, I say, well, who's the fool? What are

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Speaker 1: you doing? Give ten? You tell him once? Doesn't do what?

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Speaker 1: You follow through? Tell him once an act on it.

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Speaker 1: What about when a kid this is not yet happened

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Speaker 1: to me, but I cannot wait says something, Oh it did,

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Speaker 1: but I wasn't there. He asked a woman when when

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Speaker 1: a baby was coming out of her belly and the

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Speaker 1: woman is not pregnant. So when a kids says something inappropriate,

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Speaker 1: like why is that person fat, like in the grocery

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Speaker 1: store line, what are we supposed to say? Young children

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Speaker 1: haven't learned to finesse situations. They don't understand that that's

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Speaker 1: an unkind thing to say. So let's say, let's deal

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Speaker 1: with your first question, second, second question. First for that lady,

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Speaker 1: My kid just said, why is that woman so fat?

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Speaker 1: I get down on my kid's level and in a

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Speaker 1: very quiet voice, I say, you know, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: answer your question when we go outside of the grocery store.

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Speaker 1: Don't forget to ask me, because I'm going to answer.

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Speaker 1: And then as soon maybe you go right out, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you wait, and as soon as you walk out,

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Speaker 1: you say, remember you wanted to know why that woman

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Speaker 1: was so fat, which is a word I tried never

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Speaker 1: to use. It's the new effort. But did you hear

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Speaker 1: that I'm using a very quiet voice when I'm answering.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how that lady feels about her body.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she likes being fat. Maybe she doesn't like being fat,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to be unkind, so I answered

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Speaker 1: that question very quietly. I don't know why she's fat.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she's growing a baby, maybe she had that's just

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Speaker 1: the shape of her body. I don't know. It's a

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Speaker 1: good question. God, are your children just in? Are your

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Speaker 1: children just amazing? Well? Truth, yes, it wasn't so easy

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Speaker 1: to raise them. Triplets are hard, but you know, and

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Speaker 1: I had. I could tell you every hard moment I have.

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Speaker 1: But really, this is the payoff. I have such great kids.

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Speaker 1: They're really good people. I'm so proud of them. Now

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Speaker 1: I am hearing how eloquent, studied, experienced you are than you.

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Speaker 1: Did you raise your triplets with um, a spouse, a partner?

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Speaker 1: Did you guys always line up? Was it really hard? Two?

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Speaker 1: Because sometimes I think I'm doing a great job and

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Speaker 1: Adam is fucking this up. By the way, anything bad

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Speaker 1: that happens, it is Adam's fault. Let's be clear. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I've been married you ready fifty years five? Oh, we

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Speaker 1: had our fiftieth anniversary last December. Congratulations. Isn't that crazy?

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Speaker 1: And it's a huge, huge I agree, I really I

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Speaker 1: married a great guy. It was just I did a

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Speaker 1: great job, and we are communication is excellent, and we

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Speaker 1: have been in and out of therapy a few times

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Speaker 1: more than once. I believe in therapy. I believe in talking.

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Speaker 1: My husband is he honestly knew buccas about child ering.

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Speaker 1: He was an only child. He didn't know anything. He

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Speaker 1: everything he learned he learned from me, he will say it.

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Speaker 1: And he was a great daddy. He really enjoyed being

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Speaker 1: with the kids. And I feel that one of the

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Speaker 1: reasons they've done so well, as they had a present

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Speaker 1: mommy and daddy. It seems to me that you're very patient,

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Speaker 1: you use communication, and you have a great vocabulary with

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Speaker 1: how to speak to little ones. But also you have

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Speaker 1: really um strong boundaries. M hm. Did you guys ever

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Speaker 1: come into place where he where he we disagreed, yeah,

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Speaker 1: or he was more lax than you, And so now

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Speaker 1: you're getting mixed signals. Like Adam and I always try

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Speaker 1: to have a united front in front of the children. Always,

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Speaker 1: so it usually goes to who's ever setting the harsher boundary.

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Speaker 1: The person whose boundary isn't his, hard has to go

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Speaker 1: to that person, if that makes sense, Like if Adam

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Speaker 1: sticks to his guns that we're doing shower in three minutes,

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Speaker 1: and Alb's having a ship show. It's like, no, no,

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Speaker 1: we gotta do shower in three minutes because Daddy, because

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Speaker 1: because that's what was set. Is that sort of the

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Speaker 1: best way to go, Katie. You are really wise. Your

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Speaker 1: instincts are really good. I often say to parents, the

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Speaker 1: strongest feeling needs to win. Not always I say that,

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Speaker 1: and I say, he who starts it finishes it. So

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Speaker 1: if daddy says three minutes till beat, he can't say

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Speaker 1: to you, Okay, come on, help me out here, do this. No,

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Speaker 1: he starts it, he finishes it. But we don't. I

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Speaker 1: don't believe in contradicting parents in front of children, but

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Speaker 1: I do believe that sometimes you say, you know, this

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Speaker 1: is really important to daddy, and I agree with him.

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Speaker 1: I'm goletna give me an interesting example. When my kids

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Speaker 1: were like around four or five. You got a picture,

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Speaker 1: there are three of them. They started saying, I hate this,

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Speaker 1: I hate that. And my husband grew up with a

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Speaker 1: woman who was so gentle and soft that she would

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Speaker 1: never let the word hate be said, and he would

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Speaker 1: hear it and it would like he would cringe. I,

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Speaker 1: on the other hand, grew up in a household where

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Speaker 1: you could say the effort before you could say shut up,

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Speaker 1: shut up. Was like so that if when I hear

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Speaker 1: somebody say shut up, I say, don't say that. My

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Speaker 1: mother's gonna smite you. So I would say to the kids,

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Speaker 1: look at your dad really doesn't like it when you

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Speaker 1: say hey, it bothers him. You can say it in

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Speaker 1: front of me, just not in front of him. You

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Speaker 1: can say shut up in front of him, not in

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Speaker 1: front of me. It wasn't I never said, never do

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Speaker 1: this for me. It's always about when you can do it.

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Speaker 1: You know, poopy language, toilet talk, Yeah, what are we

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Speaker 1: talking about that? Because good lord, my son is into

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Speaker 1: it right now. He had his first day of toddler

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Speaker 1: preschool and I was making a video like and he

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Speaker 1: loved it so much. And I was like, what did

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Speaker 1: you love it? He was like, I loved it so much.

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Speaker 1: And I was ready to send the video to the

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Speaker 1: whole family. I loved school so much. Poopy farty, but

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Speaker 1: diarrhea was the video and and and and I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's so perfect. And that's when you could have said

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Speaker 1: and those are the words that you can use in

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Speaker 1: the bathroom because those are bathroom words. Let's go click

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Speaker 1: and you walk into the bathroom and say letter, that's

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Speaker 1: a great idea. That's a great idea. I also think

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Speaker 1: quarantine COVID has really messed stuff up. To go a

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Speaker 1: year at home with two children and not have my

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Speaker 1: foul language was it's asking me for the impossible. And

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Speaker 1: we were just coming out and being around a few

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Speaker 1: kids outside in recent weeks for the first time in

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Speaker 1: a year, and my son had an audience which he

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Speaker 1: has not had in a year, and he said to

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Speaker 1: them all, get the funk outta here. Yeah, And I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, and everyone laughed. And now

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Speaker 1: he's got him. He is psyched about it. And he

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Speaker 1: also used it in the right context. He said it

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Speaker 1: like in my mother's accent, so it sounded something like

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Speaker 1: get the funk outta here like that. But he probably

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Speaker 1: heard somebody say that me. I'm gonna bet, I'm gonna bet.

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Speaker 1: Here's the thing of it, with the S word, the

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Speaker 1: A word with a hole in it, I mean, any

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Speaker 1: of those words, you're always best to ignore it if

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Speaker 1: it and it really will go away. So when he

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Speaker 1: says something, you ignore him completely ignore it, and then

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Speaker 1: you say what did you want to say? Hen, and

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Speaker 1: and he won't say it again. I mean, they really

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Speaker 1: get it. But when people left at it, are you

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Speaker 1: kidding's going to say it again? You've got a little

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Speaker 1: showman on your hand. Ham He was like, this is

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Speaker 1: the fastest way to get like great attention. I'm in okay,

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Speaker 1: so we have to ignore it. What about he's a

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Speaker 1: very picky eater. And I know this is going to

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Speaker 1: get worse. And you know what else, I know not

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Speaker 1: only is it going to get going to get worse,

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Speaker 1: it's going to completely mess up my daughter. I'm already

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Speaker 1: seeing the writing on the wall. Dinner time is between

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Speaker 1: the two of them. Like, I don't want to make

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Speaker 1: a hundred things. I always try to have one thing

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Speaker 1: on the plate that I know he loves, and then

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Speaker 1: the other things. One might be an experiment that I'll

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Speaker 1: try a bunch of times, the green vegetable, praying to

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Speaker 1: God that he'll have it. Whatever. But like my poor

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Speaker 1: daughter is just walking into this, like you know, with him,

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Speaker 1: because he was the first, I like tried everything and

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Speaker 1: now we're right where American kids are. We've got chicken

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Speaker 1: nuggets pizza, grilled cheese, cucumbers. Except for the cucumbers. You

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Speaker 1: are on what I call the orange diet. Anything nuggeted pizza,

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Speaker 1: mac and cheese, cheese, it's goldfish. Yeah, just like every kid.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you a couple of things you'll find interesting.

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Speaker 1: All over the world there are picky eaters. I mean

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Speaker 1: maybe the kids somewhere somewhere else is saying, no, I

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Speaker 1: only want seaweed. I'm not gonna eat candy. I only

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Speaker 1: want you know, it depends on where you're being raised.

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Speaker 1: But the pickiness is really interesting. First of all, this

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Speaker 1: is kids learning. They have taste, they have choice, they

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Speaker 1: have power. Second of all, this is kids developing taste

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Speaker 1: and power, you know, and they do have things that

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Speaker 1: they like and that they don't like. We feed into it.

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Speaker 1: So please remember this. Here's what I never fight about

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Speaker 1: with kids, clothing or food. Never you want to wear

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Speaker 1: your bathing suit and you just go ahead and wear

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Speaker 1: it and pray for snow. Wait, hold on, go back.

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Speaker 1: My son wants to wear his pajamas all day. I can't. Well,

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Speaker 1: here's what you can say. Tim at school says you

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Speaker 1: may not wear pajamas to school if you want to

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Speaker 1: wear them at home, that's fine, but that's the school rule.

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Speaker 1: I can't wear him to school and then when he

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Speaker 1: gets My son used to come home from school and

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Speaker 1: put on a suit and a tie because he loved

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Speaker 1: to dress up at four years old a little bit

400
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Speaker 1: with his tie and his in and out burger hat

401
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: and his tool belt. Oh my god, it was fab.

402
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,119
Speaker 1: So we don't fight about clothes. Yeah, I don't care

403
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Speaker 1: what he wears in the morning. This is what I say.

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Speaker 1: You've got to brush your teeth. I'm going to have

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Speaker 1: breakfast here for you. I would like for you to

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Speaker 1: eat something. And I'm just starting the fight of brushing

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Speaker 1: your hair. But good lord does he hate it. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's only have one fight at a time, so you

409
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,040
Speaker 1: can only work on one thing at a time. You know,

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Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, is this the hill I

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Speaker 1: want to die on? Now? Okay? So that's what we've

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Speaker 1: said about clothes with clothes. With regard to food, people

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Speaker 1: who know this stuff, nutritionists who do research, will tell

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Speaker 1: us that it is highly likely that in the days

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Speaker 1: when you know, dinosaurs roamed the earth, when the cavemen,

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00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 1: children learned to have an adverse reaction to anything that

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Speaker 1: was different or sharp tasting, because they were left home

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Speaker 1: to forage for food while mommy and daddy went out

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Speaker 1: finding food and killing dinosaurs and things whatever they killed,

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Speaker 1: so they stayed away from food that was strong tasting.

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Speaker 1: So they have a taste for plain pasta with butter

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Speaker 1: and bread, and it's not unusual. We fff it up

423
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 1: because we give into it. So doing exactly what you

424
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: did is what I suggest one way of going. Make

425
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 1: sure there's something on the plate he'll eat. If he

426
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,119
Speaker 1: doesn't want to eat the rest of it, you have

427
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:13,240
Speaker 1: to eat. It's your call. But this is all we're

428
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,520
Speaker 1: having until bed, until tomorrow. So that's number one. Number two.

429
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,879
Speaker 1: Sometimes when kids have gotten to be four and five

430
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,639
Speaker 1: and they're not eating anything, I will say, as I

431
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: just did today to a parent, is there something he

432
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,520
Speaker 1: will eat? Yes, he'll eat a peanut butter sandwich. I said,

433
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 1: all right, every meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I want

434
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,240
Speaker 1: you to make a peanut butter sandwich. Put it on

435
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 1: a little plate, Cover it with seran, even though that's

436
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 1: not ecologically desirable, but I want him to be able

437
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,520
Speaker 1: to see it. Put it next to his dinner plate.

438
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 1: Put it next to his breakfast plate, next to his

439
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 1: lunch plate, even if he has a peanut better, but

440
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,679
Speaker 1: it's there. He sits down at dinner and there is

441
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:56,119
Speaker 1: two tablespoons of pasta too, baby trees of broccoli, and

442
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 1: a finger of salmon. He said, I don't like that.

443
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,879
Speaker 1: I know that's touching. I don't want to hat you

444
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 1: whatever he says. And then you say, well, then eat

445
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 1: your peanut butter. How about those Dodgers. Don't talk about it.

446
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,480
Speaker 1: Let him eat his peanut butter every day for ten years.

447
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 1: I don't care. You're not a special meal chef. Yeah,

448
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,960
Speaker 1: I would think that just fighting over food all the

449
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 1: time cannot be a great recipe for your relationship with food.

450
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 1: I was really lucky growing up. Look, we've all had

451
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,760
Speaker 1: our childhood experiences that has gotten us here, and battles

452
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:40,919
Speaker 1: we've had with our parents. My mom literally a plus

453
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: on food. I have friends who are in Hollywood, who's

454
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 1: who you know? They can They say they remember their

455
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 1: mom always talking about diet. They remember always fighting about food, this,

456
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,679
Speaker 1: that and the other thing. My mom made me finish

457
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 1: every plate like that. Like my mom never like this

458
00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:01,199
Speaker 1: is what we're having, eat it or not? And like

459
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:08,240
Speaker 1: that's it. I'm getting this overall vibe of ignoring or

460
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,120
Speaker 1: don't make a big deal, like if your kids having

461
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:14,879
Speaker 1: a tantrum, or your kid said the curse word or whatever.

462
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:21,199
Speaker 1: It's like, the more attention you'll give it, the bigger

463
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,719
Speaker 1: it will get. You play such an important role in

464
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,359
Speaker 1: how your kids respond and what becomes important to them

465
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:32,880
Speaker 1: because they're looking their little power mongers. Where am I powerful?

466
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 1: We give our kids too much power. And I don't

467
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,159
Speaker 1: mean by giving them too much permission. I'm saying we

468
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,119
Speaker 1: react to it. Don't react. You sit down at the

469
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,359
Speaker 1: dinner table and he says, I don't like this. You

470
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,000
Speaker 1: can say, okay, so did you see the zebra that

471
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,880
Speaker 1: was walking down Ventura Ble of our today? It was amazing.

472
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,879
Speaker 1: Whoever thought you don't talk about food, you don't make

473
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,879
Speaker 1: a big deal. This is so true. I can't tell you,

474
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,399
Speaker 1: guys listening how many times I put something out for dinner.

475
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: Albie loses his mind that there's a green thing on

476
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: the plate, right, and he's all upset about it. And

477
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 1: I just say, okay, we'll just sit down and pretend

478
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:09,960
Speaker 1: to have a date with me. Anyway, I'm going to

479
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 1: sit here and eat mine, and I just leave him

480
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,159
Speaker 1: for three minutes and then he comes to the table

481
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: on his own and he eats the green thing because

482
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,919
Speaker 1: I just didn't. You don't care, I don't care, and

483
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,679
Speaker 1: he just wants to be with me. Anyway. I'm like, okay, well,

484
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna sit here and have mine. He used

485
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: to come up and push the plate so that it

486
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 1: like all fell off, and I said, okay, I won't

487
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,239
Speaker 1: let you do that. You can't push and throw your

488
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,439
Speaker 1: food off the table because I worked hard on it.

489
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,719
Speaker 1: You don't have to eat it. Just don't touch it,

490
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 1: you know whatever, It's fine. You can just sit here

491
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: and talk to me. And then I start talking something

492
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 1: that and then I'll look in three minutes and I'm like,

493
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 1: oh my god, he's eating. You know. Parents also mess

494
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 1: dinner up. Dinner is the hardest meal for most people.

495
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: They mess it up because they attached dessert to it.

496
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 1: I am right up there with the biggest sweet. I

497
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: like all kinds of cockaf food, but I never attached

498
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 1: dessert to our meals because I didn't want to raise

499
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:10,920
Speaker 1: kids who would say how many bites till I get dessert?

500
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 1: How many bites? So I did. I mean, I had dessert.

501
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,680
Speaker 1: I just didn't have it with dinner. They could have

502
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 1: an ice cream in the afternoon. So smart? Is it

503
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 1: ever too late? Never? Okay? So even if you have

504
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 1: a four year old and you've been doing that crap,

505
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: you know the kid says he's full, even though you

506
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 1: know he's not because you've always given him dessert after

507
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:35,880
Speaker 1: Is there ever a time we're like, guess what the

508
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,760
Speaker 1: rules have changed starting today, There's no more dessert after dinner.

509
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 1: And look, you might give them dessert at a different

510
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: time in the day. Here's what I suggest my clients say,

511
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:47,320
Speaker 1: which seems to work. The ones who are in my

512
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 1: groups always say, you know, I was in my Betsy

513
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 1: class last night and blah blah, blah blah. Ones who

514
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 1: are not, I'll say, just say to them, you know,

515
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 1: I was talking to my teacher Betsy, and I am

516
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 1: so cuckoo. I made a crazy mistake. Do you know

517
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 1: that we're not supposed to have dessert with dinner. I

518
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 1: don't know what I was thinking, but dessert doesn't go

519
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 1: with dinner. We're going to have dessert at another time.

520
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,000
Speaker 1: You could have it in the morning for your morning snack.

521
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 1: You could have it in the afternoon. We're just not

522
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:18,240
Speaker 1: having at dinner time. It makes addiction to sugar, and

523
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,760
Speaker 1: you know you don't want kids to have all that

524
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 1: sugar right before they go to bed. So so you

525
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: could just say I did it wrong, dummy, me. I

526
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:30,400
Speaker 1: didn't know, But now I'm going to change. And your dessert.

527
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 1: By the way, it's like two Hershey's kisses or three

528
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:36,040
Speaker 1: jelly beans or vanilla. It's not like a big good

529
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 1: thing of ice cream. It's a little something. Yeah, by

530
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,920
Speaker 1: the way, that's something with all food and kids. Like

531
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: when I really started to follow on Instagram and we're

532
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: going to have them on the podcast. But people who

533
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 1: specialize in kid foods, and I actually saw what portions

534
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 1: look like for a three and a half year old.

535
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, why am I putting out this mountain of

536
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 1: maccar this mountain of food. It's ridiculous. Their stomach is tiny.

537
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: So just for mom's listening, it's a huge win. If

538
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: your kid has two pieces of cucumber, one little baby carrot,

539
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 1: you know, a fourth of a grilled cheese sandwich, and

540
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 1: like that's like a lot of food for their little stomachs.

541
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: Like it's not what you think it's going to be like,

542
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,239
Speaker 1: oh my god, he didn't eat because he didn't have

543
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: the entire macaroni. You know, he had half a slice

544
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 1: of pizza. Do you know that your stomach hold up

545
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,960
Speaker 1: your fist, your hand in a fist like this, that's

546
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 1: how big your stomach is. Yeah. So a bait a

547
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:30,240
Speaker 1: kid is like asking a kid to put all that

548
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 1: masticated food in this. Nobody wants her child to starve.

549
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: We're all a little bit nervous about that, but children

550
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: won't starve. Sometimes parents just can't bear the thought of

551
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 1: putting their kid to bed hungry. Yeah, I have a

552
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: lot of friends with that. You can have a system

553
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,360
Speaker 1: in your house where whether he's eating dinner or not,

554
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 1: he can always have a string cheese before bed or

555
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: a baby banana because you give him something that he

556
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: can always have, not for him, it's for you, so

557
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:16,240
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about he's always hunty. Okay,

558
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: let's talk about for what's coming down the pipe. Which

559
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 1: scares the crap out of me. What happens when we

560
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: start getting into this, like my kid doesn't want to

561
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 1: invite a kid to a birthday party, stuff like this, Well,

562
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: it's gonna happen. And by the way, with my children

563
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,080
Speaker 1: who shared the same birthday, I had three different birthday

564
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: parties every year after the after the age of two,

565
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,040
Speaker 1: I know. So we'd have a Saturday and a Sunday

566
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:46,240
Speaker 1: and a Saturday or a Sunday in the Saturday and

567
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:49,720
Speaker 1: a Sunday every year. This is this the reason I'm

568
00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 1: being so quiet, which I never was, because my jaws

569
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: on the ground. Could you guys imagine doing that? No?

570
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 1: Thank you? Okay? Well, and I would say, you don't

571
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,080
Speaker 1: have to invite your sister to the party. You don't

572
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 1: have about your brother. But just remember, if you don't

573
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 1: invite him, he might not invite you. They learned the

574
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: word reciprocity very young, and they always included the other

575
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 1: guy because they didn't want to be excluded. So there's that.

576
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,280
Speaker 1: But I believe that your birthday is the only thing

577
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: that's yours besides your name. So I would say to him,

578
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: let's say he doesn't want to have so and so

579
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 1: we'll talk to me about that. Okay, So you don't Okay,

580
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:31,320
Speaker 1: So you don't want to have him because he's mean

581
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 1: to you. He always mean to you. Is he should

582
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:36,240
Speaker 1: we have him over for a play date and let's

583
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 1: see how how you really feel about him, because maybe

584
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 1: he's mean to him at school or maybe when other

585
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 1: kids were around. But if he says no, he wasn't nice,

586
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,600
Speaker 1: I don't want him to come. I could say, well

587
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 1: that it is your birthday, but I want to tell

588
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 1: you I feel very bad because I think it's hurtful.

589
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: And I know if you didn't get invited to his party,

590
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 1: you would feel sad. Now your kid might say no,

591
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,880
Speaker 1: I all you can say, well, I think you would,

592
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: so I try to work on the empathy piece, try

593
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:10,800
Speaker 1: to get them to understand. But if he's having twenty

594
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 1: other kids and he's saying no, I'm not going to

595
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 1: invite him and saying no, that's not fair. I can't

596
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:20,440
Speaker 1: do it. Not kind. What about when siblings fight, because

597
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 1: that hasn't started yet, buddy, will what do I do?

598
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,520
Speaker 1: My My mom used to put us in naughty chairs?

599
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 1: Right which which are these two swivel chairs? My mom

600
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,399
Speaker 1: still swears by this, and I'm like, mom, I am

601
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 1: not doing this. She put me and my brother, who

602
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 1: are two years nine months apart. She would put us

603
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,720
Speaker 1: in chairs and we would have to each face different

604
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:45,200
Speaker 1: walls and not speak to each other. That's like teachers

605
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 1: putting kids in the corner for you. Oh, it's ridiculous.

606
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 1: We were, But why she liked it was because they

607
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,879
Speaker 1: were swivel chairs. And in about ten minutes of sitting

608
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:58,240
Speaker 1: there quiet, fuming at walls, we were ten minutes later

609
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:01,440
Speaker 1: spinning towards each other and making each other laugh, and

610
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,400
Speaker 1: all of a sudden we would come together against a

611
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,240
Speaker 1: common enemy, which was my mother. So well, you're saying

612
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:13,399
Speaker 1: something really important, because most sibling not getting a longness.

613
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 1: It's about three people. It's about the child, the child,

614
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,279
Speaker 1: and the adult. So you take away one of the

615
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: kids child adult, there's no fighting. You take away the

616
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 1: other kid, there's no fighting. And usually if you take

617
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:30,120
Speaker 1: the adult away, there's no fighting. We don't help sibling

618
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 1: fighting by saying I'll be what's going on in there.

619
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 1: We call one kid's name way too much, and he

620
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 1: thinks I'm the bad guy. Oh God, I already see

621
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,919
Speaker 1: that coming. I'm so glad to speak to you about this.

622
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,360
Speaker 1: Everybody says that, you know, everybody has that same problem.

623
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:49,359
Speaker 1: You don't want your kid to think I'm Mommy thinks

624
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 1: I'm the bad guy. It's always my fault. By the way,

625
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 1: it could be your what's a little girl's name, Vera Zira.

626
00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: You don't want Vera to think that it's always Albie's vould,

627
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,440
Speaker 1: but you know you don't. But if you call his name,

628
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 1: that's what they think. So you're not the judge and

629
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,080
Speaker 1: you're not the jury. So you might call out do

630
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,080
Speaker 1: you need help in there, and someone will say he

631
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: took my daughter. So it's either about a parent or property.

632
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,160
Speaker 1: Sometimes kids just need to bug each other. I would

633
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: say spend as little time involved in that as you

634
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:25,279
Speaker 1: possibly can. My role with my kids was I only

635
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:29,680
Speaker 1: got involved when there was blood because honestly, kids fight.

636
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:33,040
Speaker 1: They're like puppies. They're gonna fight. If one kid is

637
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,200
Speaker 1: being bullying, you say, what's going on it? Do you

638
00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:37,080
Speaker 1: need to You go in and you say, I'll be

639
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 1: tell me what happened. She took my toy, and then

640
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,080
Speaker 1: little Vera tell me what happened. It's my toy. You

641
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:44,200
Speaker 1: shouldn't love us. So what do you think we should do?

642
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 1: How should we solve this? Sit there and make them

643
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,320
Speaker 1: figure out the problem. They'll love in lose interest. I

644
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,920
Speaker 1: believe that playing together is a privilege. I think your

645
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 1: mom is not wrong in separating you. Sometimes I would

646
00:36:57,719 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 1: say you sit on that end of the couch, and

647
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,640
Speaker 1: you say it, on that end of the couch and

648
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: sit on your hands, which sounds like a crazy thing

649
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:07,040
Speaker 1: to do. But if they have to sit on their hands,

650
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,440
Speaker 1: they're not thinking about anything except sitting on their hands,

651
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:12,560
Speaker 1: and it's like swiveling in the chair. It's the same

652
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: kind of thing. But I really recommend not getting involved.

653
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:23,439
Speaker 1: I think that's so genius. Now, shamelessly, I will tell

654
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:28,120
Speaker 1: you another pay for view video I have on my website.

655
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:30,799
Speaker 1: I have a little one in siblings. There's a big

656
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,439
Speaker 1: video on my website on it along on an hour,

657
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 1: and then in my book there's a whole chapter on siblings.

658
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 1: The key is if your kids are spending enough time

659
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:44,280
Speaker 1: with you alone without the other sibling. Kids need time

660
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:47,399
Speaker 1: alone with a mom, not always together or the dad

661
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: or the other mom. Interesting that if they get their

662
00:37:52,600 --> 00:38:01,680
Speaker 1: own needs met, they will fight less anything else. Okay, sex,

663
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:08,040
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, real quick, three things sex, real fast, guys, sex, death,

664
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:12,360
Speaker 1: cell phones. Well, let me assure you that all children,

665
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:15,040
Speaker 1: when they get to be around four years old, it's

666
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 1: the age of questions. All children are going to wonder

667
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,360
Speaker 1: what does it mean to be dead? What is dead? What?

668
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:23,520
Speaker 1: What is that? I'm I'm afraid you're gonna die. I'm

669
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 1: afraid I'm gonna die. As a brief intro, children need

670
00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:31,200
Speaker 1: to understand that everything that is alive will die. So,

671
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 1: starting at age two, you're walking along. You see a caterpillar.

672
00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: You say, oh, that caterpillar is dead. Look he's all

673
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:40,879
Speaker 1: done living. You pick him up, you let him see

674
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,600
Speaker 1: he's not living. You'll touch him, you whatever, go wash

675
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 1: your hands. You see the rose has fallen off the bush.

676
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 1: You say, look that rose died. It's all done living.

677
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,879
Speaker 1: Use a real word, died, all done living. Started very

678
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,640
Speaker 1: early on, and then as they get older they will

679
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 1: understand that in our lives people get very very very

680
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: very old. Everything that is alive has a life cycle.

681
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,759
Speaker 1: It's little, it grows up, it gets very old, it

682
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,120
Speaker 1: can't live anymore, and it dies. Are you gonna die? Yes,

683
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:12,319
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die. Of course, I'm gonna die, but not

684
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 1: for a long, long, long, long, long long time. I'm

685
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,640
Speaker 1: going to be alive for so long. My chapter on

686
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:22,040
Speaker 1: death is really a good one. I'm I'm going to

687
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: recommend that to my friend right now whose dog just died.

688
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:30,439
Speaker 1: And the dog was very very old, um, and it's

689
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,680
Speaker 1: very very sad. See, when I was running a school,

690
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,440
Speaker 1: we had goldfish. Of course, we only have them so

691
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,719
Speaker 1: they can die. We like we like death, We like

692
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,240
Speaker 1: to talk about it. The idea is we want kids

693
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,759
Speaker 1: to understand, they want to deal with it. We want

694
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 1: kids to see that Goldie lived a long life. For goldfish,

695
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:51,720
Speaker 1: people live a long long time, but goldfish were lying, don't.

696
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 1: So what do we do when a fish die. We

697
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,080
Speaker 1: don't give him a burial at sea. We want the

698
00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,440
Speaker 1: kid to see he's dead and understand it. And then

699
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,120
Speaker 1: we put him in a little Tiffany's box, nice blue box,

700
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 1: and we and we go out to the cemetery in

701
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,359
Speaker 1: the yard and we dig a hole and we bury him,

702
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:09,680
Speaker 1: and we say a few words. Goldie was a nice fish.

703
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,760
Speaker 1: She swam so well. I'll miss you, Goldie. I'm sorry

704
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:17,319
Speaker 1: you're not alive anymore. And then you bury Goldie. I mean,

705
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:20,719
Speaker 1: that's how children learn everything we have. We don't want

706
00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 1: to hide it from them. This mommy, had she called me,

707
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,360
Speaker 1: I would have said, you tell the kids in the morning,

708
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 1: you know, in the middle of the night, Fido was

709
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,840
Speaker 1: not having a hard time, so we took him to

710
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: the vet. We're going to see what the vet can do.

711
00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:36,719
Speaker 1: And then the middle of the day you say, well,

712
00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:38,279
Speaker 1: I just talked to the vet and the vet said

713
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:42,480
Speaker 1: Fido was very sick and he's having problems breathing. And

714
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 1: then later that night you say, Fido is not doing well.

715
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,080
Speaker 1: He's having a very hard time, and someone's gonna say,

716
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,360
Speaker 1: is he gonna die? And Mommy says, I hope not,

717
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:53,279
Speaker 1: but he might. And then the next day, I mean

718
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,719
Speaker 1: Fido has been gone now for two days, to say

719
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:59,080
Speaker 1: the vet just called to say that Fido died. His

720
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: body got so old he couldn't breathe anymore, so he died.

721
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,880
Speaker 1: Of course, then they're going to say, well, where is he?

722
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,160
Speaker 1: Without spending all of our time getting into this, I

723
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: will say to you, please do not say he's in

724
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:16,280
Speaker 1: doggie heaven. I don't want to step on anybody's religious toes,

725
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 1: but I don't do the heaven peace until children are

726
00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 1: old enough to understand the concept of souls and spirits

727
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:27,839
Speaker 1: and all of that, because nobody believes that, you know,

728
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 1: Goldie swam up to heaven with their little goldiness. People

729
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 1: believe that souls gather. I mean, if you believe in heaven,

730
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:37,400
Speaker 1: that's what you believe. But to tell a child she

731
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:39,759
Speaker 1: went to heaven, her only thought of me. But why

732
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 1: would grandpa want to leave me? Absolutely? Yeah, that makes sense.

733
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:49,000
Speaker 1: And did you do this with your kids? Tell me

734
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 1: about sex? Well, rather than telling you about sex, which

735
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,160
Speaker 1: I will do, I will say that I got in

736
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,000
Speaker 1: touch with my publisher, with HarperCollins, and I said, listen,

737
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,839
Speaker 1: I got to redo my chapter on sex because with

738
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,960
Speaker 1: people waiting so long to get pregnant, to get married

739
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: and pregnant, everybody's having in viv tro. So what we

740
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,200
Speaker 1: say to kids is this is my tongue is in

741
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:16,280
Speaker 1: my cheek as I'm talking to you. Mommy and Daddy

742
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 1: love each other, love each other very much, and they

743
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 1: do this thing called having sex, and they hug and

744
00:42:20,239 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 1: they kiss and Daddy puts his penis and Mommy's for Johnny.

745
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,399
Speaker 1: Then they wanted to have a baby, so they went

746
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:28,360
Speaker 1: to a doctor and the doctor it's a whole different story.

747
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:32,959
Speaker 1: But when we talk about sex where babies come from,

748
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,879
Speaker 1: we start with this. Everything that is alive comes from

749
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,840
Speaker 1: two parts, apart from the male and apart from the

750
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:42,720
Speaker 1: female that I don't say the mommy or the daddy.

751
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,960
Speaker 1: I say boy, girl, male, female. And this happens when

752
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:50,000
Speaker 1: you're very very old, after college and after graduate school,

753
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,320
Speaker 1: and you say that apart from the female is called

754
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:59,319
Speaker 1: the ovum, which is another word for egg. But I

755
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:04,360
Speaker 1: don't say because children think. And I take a pencil

756
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:06,399
Speaker 1: and I make a dot on a paper and I say,

757
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 1: that's how big the egg is. And apart from the

758
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,640
Speaker 1: male called the seed or the sperm, and I do

759
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:14,399
Speaker 1: a dot with a tiny tail. And what happens with

760
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: whether you're a flower or a zebra, or a person

761
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:22,399
Speaker 1: or an art verk or whatever, apart from the male

762
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,280
Speaker 1: joins with a part with the female, and it grows

763
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:29,040
Speaker 1: in a special place in the female's body called the

764
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,720
Speaker 1: uterus or the womb. It doesn't grow in a tummy.

765
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:34,840
Speaker 1: And that's what you see when you see a woman

766
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,520
Speaker 1: with a big tummy. It's not her tummy, it's her

767
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:40,600
Speaker 1: womb or uterus that's growing. It looks like it's her tummy.

768
00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:43,600
Speaker 1: It's really next to your tummy. That's the only thing

769
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:45,680
Speaker 1: that goes in your tummy is food or medicine or

770
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:49,879
Speaker 1: water liquid. Usually that's pretty much enough. Yeah, because you're

771
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,799
Speaker 1: so matter of fact about it. You're not giggling, you're

772
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,880
Speaker 1: just saying scientifically what it is. So they must be

773
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:58,879
Speaker 1: like they're just like great, sounds good, and they walk

774
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,799
Speaker 1: out of the room. But then they come back and say, well,

775
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: how did it get there? How did they get together?

776
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:07,759
Speaker 1: And you get to say, well, the seed lives in

777
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:11,359
Speaker 1: the man's testicles. You have testicles, see them there right there.

778
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 1: You call him your nuts or your balls or your

779
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:16,520
Speaker 1: nads or whatever you call him. And in a woman,

780
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,840
Speaker 1: her ova live in a place and you point to

781
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 1: the place on your body where your ovaries are, and

782
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:26,800
Speaker 1: they join together. It comes down through the man's penis,

783
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,440
Speaker 1: and the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina,

784
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: and the seed swims up to find the ovum and

785
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:37,879
Speaker 1: it starts to grow into a baby. If you tell

786
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: this to a six year old, he's going to go grow.

787
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 1: If you tell it to a four year old, it

788
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:47,120
Speaker 1: won't make much sense. But I believe if a kid

789
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:49,000
Speaker 1: hasn't asked you by the time he's six, you have

790
00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,919
Speaker 1: to tell him there's much more to this story. It's

791
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:57,360
Speaker 1: all in my book. The Okay, last question, is this

792
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,400
Speaker 1: cell phone thing going to kill it, Like, what's going

793
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 1: to happen? It's gonna kill It's gonna kill me. It's

794
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 1: it's horrible. Parents have to stop doing things because other

795
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:10,000
Speaker 1: people are doing it. When your child says, but everybody,

796
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 1: your watchword response is going to be, don't ever tell

797
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,279
Speaker 1: me to do something because everyone else is doing it.

798
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 1: We do things because it's right for our family. You

799
00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:25,160
Speaker 1: will get your cell phone first of all when you're

800
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: in middle school, no earlier. Second of all, when you're

801
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:31,000
Speaker 1: old enough to earn money to pay for part of it.

802
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 1: And that's the way it goes there. You have it, folks.

803
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,640
Speaker 1: It's the famous story in my husband's family when he

804
00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:42,960
Speaker 1: was like, but everybody has an Nintendo and his parents

805
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: were like, oh shit, no they don't. And they had

806
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 1: to really teach him not only did kids not have Nintendo,

807
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 1: I mean kids don't have anything, you know what I mean?

808
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: Like it was such an eye opening he remembers it

809
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:57,719
Speaker 1: to this day. That's why I know the story this

810
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: was so how full in in parting words, is there

811
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:07,319
Speaker 1: anything that you would like to say or any betsism

812
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 1: you want to leave us with? Yes? What I want

813
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:13,279
Speaker 1: to say to you is not about your kids. It's

814
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 1: about you. We are not raising kids, we are raising adults.

815
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,359
Speaker 1: You need to do the best you can do. And

816
00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 1: some days that's gonna be good and some days it's

817
00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 1: gonna suck. You need to do the best job you

818
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:31,360
Speaker 1: can do. Taking care of yourself. I really believe in

819
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,400
Speaker 1: the oxygen mask theory. If you don't take care of yourself,

820
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,440
Speaker 1: you're not going to be the kind of mom or

821
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:41,160
Speaker 1: dad you want to be. You'll be angry, you'll be snappy,

822
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 1: you won't be patient, and you won't be the kind

823
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: of mom you want to be. Take care of yourself,

824
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 1: get exercise, get sleep, do whatever it is you need.

825
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,480
Speaker 1: But if you feel deprived, you will not be a

826
00:46:54,480 --> 00:47:02,239
Speaker 1: good parent. And with that, folks, that that was so helpful.

827
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:05,920
Speaker 1: And I'm just so honored and thrilled to know you

828
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 1: and the work you're doing is God's work helping us.

829
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 1: Thank you. Thanks for coming to my closet crib. Well,

830
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:15,479
Speaker 1: you are a kick in the pants. I gotta say

831
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:26,360
Speaker 1: this was a trage. It was lots of fun. Thank you, guys,

832
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:29,160
Speaker 1: so so so very much, with all of my heart

833
00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:31,640
Speaker 1: and soul for listening to season four of Katie's Crib.

834
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:34,239
Speaker 1: I hope You've enjoyed all of the conversations that I've

835
00:47:34,239 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 1: had with so many wonderful celebrities and experts. I know,

836
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 1: I sure as hell did. I hope you guys will

837
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:42,839
Speaker 1: stay and hang out with me again next season, and

838
00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:46,239
Speaker 1: look out for season five again coming early next year.

839
00:47:46,719 --> 00:47:49,040
Speaker 1: Make sure that you subscribe so you'll be the first

840
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:52,000
Speaker 1: to know when the new episodes dropped. And as always,

841
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 1: if there are any topics or anything that you guys

842
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:57,360
Speaker 1: want to talk about, please shoot me a message at

843
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Speaker 1: Katie's Crib at Shonda land dot com sea In twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty two, Babies Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda

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Speaker 1: Land Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more

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Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondalan Audio, visit the i heeart Radio app,

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.