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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcasts. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are wondering what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the bonus episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send

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Speaker 1: to me and you can send those to Catherine at

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com and one day your question might

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Speaker 1: end up on the show. I try to keep it

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Speaker 1: to one question each episode just for brevity's sake, which

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Speaker 1: is a word I feel like I've never used before,

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Speaker 1: but I feel like I can answer a question better

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Speaker 1: when I do one a week than have a list

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Speaker 1: of them, and I can spend more time on it

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Speaker 1: if it needs that. I also keep them anonymous, so

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Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about me telling everybody who

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Speaker 1: you are. And you know, if you write and a

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Speaker 1: question that is about somebody else, which is the case

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Speaker 1: for today's episode, you don't have to worry about if

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Speaker 1: your friend or partner or coworker listens to the podcast

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Speaker 1: as well, because we know everybody is listening to You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy every single time an episode comes out, So

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Speaker 1: you got to be worried about that, but the goodness

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Speaker 1: is you don't have to worry about that because we

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Speaker 1: keep them anonymous. Anyway, a quick reminder that I like

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Speaker 1: to give on the top of every episode that although

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Speaker 1: I am a therapist and I'm answering your questions, this

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Speaker 1: podcast does not serve as a replacement or substitute for

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Speaker 1: any actual mental health services, although it's always a lout

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Speaker 1: of help. And if you are somebody who is new

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Speaker 1: and you do not know this, I have a therapy

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Speaker 1: practice that is located in Nashville, and so if you

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Speaker 1: are a resident of Tennessee, then if you're looking for

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Speaker 1: actual therapy, you can reach out to us. You can

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Speaker 1: go to three Courtsthapy dot com, three t hr and

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Speaker 1: Chords A Cords, and my and three other clinicians work

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Speaker 1: there that I all think are amazing humans and therapists.

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Speaker 1: So that's something that you're looking for a need, you

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Speaker 1: can reach out to us there. Now, I want to

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Speaker 1: give a little update about something that I haven't talked

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Speaker 1: about in a long time today, and this is before

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Speaker 1: we get into the question, and that is I started

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Speaker 1: the sixth Harry Potter audio book. And if you were like,

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Speaker 1: why are you talking about that? You know, I really

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Speaker 1: don't know why I started talking about this, but I did.

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Speaker 1: And I watched all of the Harry Potter movies for

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Speaker 1: the first time last year, and I was always this

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Speaker 1: person that was like, oh, Harry Potter, I'm not into it,

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Speaker 1: almost like I thought I was cooler because I didn't

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Speaker 1: subscribe to it. And then I watched the movies and

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Speaker 1: I realized why everybody is so obsessed with them, because

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Speaker 1: they're amazing. And now I'm listening to the books, and

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Speaker 1: the books are even better than the movie. And I'm

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Speaker 1: somebody who forgets everything. I could watch a movie two

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Speaker 1: weeks in a row and I completely forgot what happened.

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Speaker 1: But it's like I'm watching I'm listening to the stories

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Speaker 1: for the first time because I don't remember happened on

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Speaker 1: the movie, and I'm on the sixth book now. I

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Speaker 1: did one through five really fast, and I think I

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Speaker 1: burnt myself out, and so I took some time to

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Speaker 1: go back to the podcast that I love listening to

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Speaker 1: in the morning, and I thought, when I woke up today,

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Speaker 1: today is the day that I think I'm gonna start

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Speaker 1: Harry Potter again. So I'm like ten minutes in to

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Speaker 1: the sixth book, which I hear is one of the

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Speaker 1: best ones, so I'm very excited. I will keep you

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Speaker 1: updated on how that is. My goal was if I

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Speaker 1: listen to all of them, I think they's seven by

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Speaker 1: the end of the year. Then my now fiance Patrick

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Speaker 1: would have to take me to Harry Potter World at

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Speaker 1: the end of the year. But then he had to

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Speaker 1: go on and propose to me, and so we're getting

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Speaker 1: married and early next year. So I don't see us

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Speaker 1: taking a trip to Harry Potter World because that kind

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Speaker 1: of stuff is really expensive and weddings are very expensive.

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Speaker 1: So maybe next year will go when things are less chaotic,

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Speaker 1: you know, all right, So I think it's time to

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Speaker 1: get into the question. So, like I said, we keep

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Speaker 1: these anonymous, and I'm going to read the question, then

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it. This is one I

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Speaker 1: think so many people are going to relate to. So

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Speaker 1: whoever wrote this, thank you. It says, Hey, kat I

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Speaker 1: recently moved in with one of my best friends from college.

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Speaker 1: We graduated a couple of years ago, and I haven't

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Speaker 1: lived in the same city since, but I have kept

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Speaker 1: in touch with her and she still has been one

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Speaker 1: of my best friends. We have now lived together for

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Speaker 1: a little more than three months, and it has been

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Speaker 1: such a hard three months. I didn't expect to feel

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Speaker 1: so overwhelmed by her moving here. Side note, I have

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Speaker 1: lived in the city since college, and she moved here

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Speaker 1: from somewhere else, only knowing me and my friends and

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Speaker 1: then some random acquaintances. And this is Kat talking. I

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Speaker 1: think what she means by that is, I mean, don't

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Speaker 1: really know what city they're in, but it sounds like

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Speaker 1: after college they both moved to different cities, and now

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Speaker 1: her friend moved from her city that she moved to

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Speaker 1: to the city that the moved to. Anyway, I feel

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Speaker 1: like I have to include her in everything I do

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Speaker 1: and have started to feel responsible for her having a

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Speaker 1: good time here, and now I have started resenting her,

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Speaker 1: even though this was our dream. Not to mention, she's

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Speaker 1: such a clean freak, and I feel like a guest

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Speaker 1: in my own home now. Sometimes she will wipe the

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Speaker 1: counters down while I am cooking, is constantly putting my

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Speaker 1: stuff away, and it really bothers me. I know I

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Speaker 1: need to talk to her, or actually maybe I don't.

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Speaker 1: Is this something I need to work on myself? Or

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Speaker 1: should I tell her how I've been feeling. I want

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Speaker 1: to preserve our friendship because she really is important to me.

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Speaker 1: But I am starting to get why people warn others

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Speaker 1: of doing this. Please help, Okay, So I mean, like

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Speaker 1: I said, so many people are going to be relating

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Speaker 1: to this. This is a really interesting situation, even though

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Speaker 1: it's also really common. I've lived with a lot of friends,

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Speaker 1: and it is true that when you live with someone

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Speaker 1: you start to see a different side of them that

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Speaker 1: wouldn't maybe matter if you didn't live with them and

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Speaker 1: share a home with them. And when I did our

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Speaker 1: cohabitation episode a couple months back, I talked about this

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Speaker 1: a little bit, and it's also one of the reasons

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Speaker 1: why Patrick wanted to live together before we got engaged,

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Speaker 1: because he was like, living together is different than dating,

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Speaker 1: and I just really want to make sure that we

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Speaker 1: see all the sides that we need to see of

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Speaker 1: each other. Now, in this scenario, you're talking about two

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Speaker 1: kind of different situations. One the part where you feel

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Speaker 1: responsible for her social life and having a good time

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Speaker 1: and creating community and a new city, and the different

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Speaker 1: living styles. So the first one, I'm a little curious

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Speaker 1: if you're wanting or not wanting your friend, that your

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Speaker 1: roommate friend, to be integrated into your community. I would

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Speaker 1: have assumed yes, and I don't know if that has changed.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're having second thoughts about that because it feels

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Speaker 1: different than you assumed it would have. Maybe you're starting

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Speaker 1: to feel little territorial of your own group and you

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Speaker 1: really enjoyed having that separateness, having your own things, and

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Speaker 1: then having you and your friend's relationship separate. It's just

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Speaker 1: something that I would be curious about. Is this something

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Speaker 1: that you thought would be a good idea and then

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Speaker 1: it ended up not liking it, or like you didn't

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Speaker 1: ever want that in the first place. I totally get

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Speaker 1: wanting to maintain some of your independence, and you should.

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Speaker 1: In all relationships, we should find some kind of independence

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Speaker 1: from them. It's called interdependence. I think. Actually Tara mentioned

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Speaker 1: that in either the episode we just aired on Monday

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Speaker 1: or next week's episode, you can include her and not

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Speaker 1: feel responsible for her, because it's really ultimately our own

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Speaker 1: jobs to either take an invitation and make something of

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Speaker 1: it or not, And it's also our job on the

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Speaker 1: other side of that to create that separateness. I can

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Speaker 1: invite you and I can't do all of the work

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Speaker 1: for you. I don't know the history of your all's

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Speaker 1: relationship and what that has been like in the past,

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Speaker 1: but I know it can be hard because you want

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Speaker 1: this person to have a good time and you're afraid

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Speaker 1: that maybe it's going to come back on you or

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Speaker 1: I mean, there could be a million things, so that

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Speaker 1: would be another question. I would just be really wondering

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Speaker 1: about and curious about. What is the fear if she

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Speaker 1: does not have a good time? You feel responsible? Responsible?

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Speaker 1: How and how did that even become your job? Is

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Speaker 1: that something you talked about? Did you tell her certain things?

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Speaker 1: You feel like you over promised a situation, And then

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Speaker 1: it's different. I mean, there's so much in that now.

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Speaker 1: Wanting some independence is different than you just don't want

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Speaker 1: her in your friend group and you don't want her

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Speaker 1: to be a part of your group of friends, which,

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Speaker 1: to be honest, this is kind of like a this

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Speaker 1: is my own harsh opinion here. You kind of signed

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Speaker 1: up for that when you decided to live together. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that's what you mean, but if

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Speaker 1: it is, you're inviting your one of your best friends

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Speaker 1: to come live with you and they don't know anybody.

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Speaker 1: It almost might be one of those unspoken things that like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it makes sense that she would be integrated into your

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Speaker 1: group of people, and I would be very curious as

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Speaker 1: to why you wouldn't want her to be friends with

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Speaker 1: your friends. It sounds like there maybe there's some unspoken

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Speaker 1: feelings in the friendship that maybe should have been talked

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Speaker 1: about or or just processed out individually before you made

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Speaker 1: this decision. You can totally have a conversation about space,

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Speaker 1: but to me, it feels very unreasonable to totally cut

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Speaker 1: off her from your group of friends when you are

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Speaker 1: living with somebody and it sounds like you're younger and

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Speaker 1: so are your friends going to be over at your house,

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Speaker 1: and like she's not allowed to hang out with That

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Speaker 1: just is not a feasible thing. That just seems like

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Speaker 1: it's part of the process. So it might be helpful

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Speaker 1: to really talk about expectations with your roommate rather than

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Speaker 1: how you're not wanting her or you want her to

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Speaker 1: have your Rather than having just that conversation, could you

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Speaker 1: have conversation about what each of you expect from the

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Speaker 1: other in the community building process. What does she want

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Speaker 1: out of community here? How has she been feeling about

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Speaker 1: the community, What do you want for her, what do

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Speaker 1: you want for yourself? What do you want for your

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Speaker 1: relationship individually? Now, when it comes to styles of living,

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Speaker 1: this is like an age old issue, one that constantly

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Speaker 1: is coming up because it's hard. I never really had

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Speaker 1: a lot of problems with roommates in this regard that

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Speaker 1: you're talking about the levels of cleanliness. But I think

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Speaker 1: this was mainly because I was the more messy one.

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Speaker 1: And usually it is the opposite, like the person who

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Speaker 1: is the cleaner one is the one that's getting more frustrated.

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Speaker 1: But it sounds like you're getting more frustrated because you

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Speaker 1: can't live in your space as carefree as you want

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Speaker 1: to live in your space. And this is what I

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Speaker 1: believe about that separately, So we have to be conscious

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Speaker 1: of each other, whether it's sharing office space, sharing a

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Speaker 1: living situation, and sharing whatever we're sharing. I have my

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Speaker 1: way of doing things, my way of living, and if

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Speaker 1: I am sharing, then I have to compromise on that.

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Speaker 1: I have to meet somebody in the middle. So I'm

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Speaker 1: maybe not going to be the most live up to

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Speaker 1: I mean, I've lived with friends who have been very clean.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to live up to that expectation. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to meet her in the middle, and I can't

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Speaker 1: ask her to live in the way I like to

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Speaker 1: do things, because that would be anxiety provoking for her

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Speaker 1: and it wouldn't be fair. And we can't get mad

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Speaker 1: at each other. I mean, we can have our feelings,

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Speaker 1: but it would be unjustified for me to be mad

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Speaker 1: and pissed off that somebody doesn't want to do something

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Speaker 1: the way that I think it should be done, because

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Speaker 1: neither are right, They're just different. And if I want

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Speaker 1: something to be a certain way, then it's my responsibility

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Speaker 1: to create that versus forcing somebody else to agree to that. Now,

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Speaker 1: like I said, that usually makes more sense when the

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Speaker 1: person who is frustrated is the one who wants everything spotless.

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Speaker 1: But this is also something I think that you could

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Speaker 1: really have a normal conversation about. But make sure you're

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Speaker 1: talking about the actual issue and not the things that

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Speaker 1: are bubbling up and making the issue an issue. Does

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Speaker 1: it feel like your space is being invaded or changed

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Speaker 1: or controlled? What is it about her putting your stuff

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Speaker 1: away that bothers you? What does it feel like you're

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Speaker 1: being robbed of or stripped of or what's being shifted.

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Speaker 1: You mentioned that you feel like you are guests in

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Speaker 1: your own home. Okay, well, this person wants everything to

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Speaker 1: be really orderly. Will you want maybe to have some

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Speaker 1: character and some carefreeness about your space? Can you meet

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Speaker 1: in the middle there? This is a really easy conversation

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Speaker 1: to have, but the conversation has to be had else

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Speaker 1: both of you are going to be like cleaning and

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Speaker 1: uncleaning at each other. It's like I used to do this.

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Speaker 1: My mom would like settle up my room and I

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Speaker 1: would unsettle it up. I would like unclean it when

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Speaker 1: really I could. I mean, I was young, so the

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Speaker 1: emotional maturity wasn't there. But if I would have had

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Speaker 1: a conversation with my mom and said, hey, I feel

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Speaker 1: like you are taking over my room or I can't

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Speaker 1: live in my space the way I want to live

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Speaker 1: in my space, she very well might have been like, well,

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Speaker 1: I own this home, so you're gonna do what I want.

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Speaker 1: But also she could have been like, okay, well what

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Speaker 1: if we do it together, or what if we find

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Speaker 1: a way to meet in the middle, or Catherine, you

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Speaker 1: have to pick up your laundry off of the floor

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Speaker 1: so we can vacuum, like this is just what needs

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Speaker 1: to have now. Stuff like this can feel really tender

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Speaker 1: and delicate, But this is one of those things that

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Speaker 1: I really do not think has to be that big

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Speaker 1: of a deal. If we're clear and we talk about

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Speaker 1: it in the moment versus we wait for it to

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Speaker 1: build up and bring it up randomly. You could just say, hey,

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Speaker 1: I've been feeling really frustrated when you move my stuff

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Speaker 1: around the house. I've started to feel like I can't

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Speaker 1: relax and I can't throw my book down on the

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Speaker 1: couch unless i'm actively reading it. And if I even

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Speaker 1: go to the restroom, you're going to put my stuff

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Speaker 1: away and I have to get all out again. Can

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Speaker 1: we come up with a cleaning schedule or a plan

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Speaker 1: so we both can feel comfortable living here because I

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Speaker 1: just sometimes can't relax in this situation. You can say that, like,

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Speaker 1: if that would it were to just have happened, maybe

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Speaker 1: you're reading, you put a book down, you go to

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Speaker 1: the bathroom, or you go, you know, take a phone call,

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Speaker 1: and you come back and your stuff is put away.

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Speaker 1: Address it then, like, hey, can we talk about something,

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Speaker 1: Or if that feels too aggressive, hey, I've noticed that

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Speaker 1: you really like doing things this way, and when this happens,

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Speaker 1: for example my book Dah Da Da Da Da, I

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Speaker 1: feel frustrated and the story I'm making up and the

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Speaker 1: experience I'm having is that I can't just relax in

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Speaker 1: my home. So address it in the moment. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be the sit down, drag out fight situation

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Speaker 1: when she's wiping the counter under you just handle it

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Speaker 1: in the moment. It can really bring the whole conflict

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Speaker 1: down a notch if you handle it in the moment

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Speaker 1: versus letting all of these things build up and then

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Speaker 1: you're just pissed at her. And maybe that's why you

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Speaker 1: don't want her to be in your friend group, because

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Speaker 1: she's annoying you so much at home that you want space,

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Speaker 1: Which is another great point. I think it's so fair

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Speaker 1: if you're living together and you have the same group

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Speaker 1: of friends, and maybe if you even work together. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, it's so fair to need something separate. That's

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Speaker 1: a conversation you can have and it doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be this huge again, sit down, drag out fight. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I've noticed that we're spending every second together and I

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Speaker 1: love you and this was our dream to do this,

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Speaker 1: and I think it would be pretty smart to be

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Speaker 1: proactive and make sure we're both doing things on our

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Speaker 1: own and having time separate, because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: get to a point where it feels like we're on

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Speaker 1: top of each other kind of thing figuratively. So I

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Speaker 1: hope that is helpful, and I hope you know you're

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Speaker 1: not the only one that is struggling with us right now.

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Speaker 1: It's probably a question that so many people are like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I am in that, or I've been

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Speaker 1: in that. And my biggest piece of information that I

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Speaker 1: want you to leave with is talk about it before

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Speaker 1: it becomes something that it isn't so then you can

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Speaker 1: again address the problem and then not have all these

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Speaker 1: other problems that become the problem that we're never even

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Speaker 1: really that big of a dope to begin with. So

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Speaker 1: I hope that was helpful. I will be back on

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Speaker 1: Monday with another episode from our Lovely Tara Booker talking

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Speaker 1: about the other experience of addiction when you are the

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Speaker 1: loved one and how to cope and handle and help

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Speaker 1: in those situations. Until then, I hope you guys have

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Speaker 1: the day you need to have, and I will talk

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Speaker 1: to you sample paple under