WEBVTT - The Science of Self-Compassion 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.396 Kushkin. 0:00:30.436 --> 0:00:33.716 Self compassion in the simplest form is just treating yourself 0:00:33.756 --> 0:00:37.636 with the same warmth, kindness, care, concern that you would 0:00:37.676 --> 0:00:40.476 naturally show to a friend you cared about. So it's 0:00:40.516 --> 0:00:43.716 really nothing unusual. It's just that we're much more used 0:00:43.716 --> 0:00:47.596 to giving compassion to friends than we are to ourselves. 0:00:48.476 --> 0:00:51.916 Psychologist Kristin Neff is a pioneer in the study of 0:00:51.956 --> 0:00:55.796 self compassion, and she says the first step towards cultivating 0:00:55.796 --> 0:00:58.636 it is to ask ourselves this one question. 0:00:59.276 --> 0:01:02.996 The quintessential self compassion question is what do I need 0:01:03.116 --> 0:01:06.076 right now? What do I need to learn? What do 0:01:06.116 --> 0:01:08.516 I need to be there for myself right now? What 0:01:08.556 --> 0:01:10.716 do I need? Do I need to give some help? 0:01:10.796 --> 0:01:13.276 Do I need a bath? Wisdom is what tells you 0:01:13.356 --> 0:01:17.116 the answer, but being willing to ask the question is key, 0:01:17.236 --> 0:01:20.036 because what you're saying is my needs count I'm worthy 0:01:20.036 --> 0:01:21.396 of care and support. 0:01:23.356 --> 0:01:27.076 On today's episode, we learn about the science of self compassion, 0:01:27.476 --> 0:01:30.796 including strategies you can use to be kinder to yourself. 0:01:32.916 --> 0:01:35.956 I'm maya Shunker and this is a slight change of plans. 0:01:36.316 --> 0:01:38.596 A show about who we are and who we become 0:01:38.916 --> 0:01:52.116 in the face of a big change. Kristin Nef has 0:01:52.116 --> 0:01:56.396 written several books, including Self Compassion, The Proven Power of 0:01:56.396 --> 0:02:00.276 Being Kind to Yourself. She also runs workshops that teach 0:02:00.316 --> 0:02:03.036 people self compassion skills that they can use in their 0:02:03.116 --> 0:02:06.956 daily lives. Even though it seems like these skills should 0:02:06.956 --> 0:02:10.076 come to us pretty naturally, many of us struggle with 0:02:10.156 --> 0:02:13.356 being kind to ourselves. We often find it easier to 0:02:13.396 --> 0:02:17.076 be kind towards others. So I started our conversation by 0:02:17.116 --> 0:02:20.956 asking Kristen why, Well, there's a lot of reasons. 0:02:20.996 --> 0:02:23.236 Actually, I mean, we shouldn't beat ourselves up for beating 0:02:23.236 --> 0:02:27.556 ourselves up, because there are cultural and evolutionary reasons. So 0:02:28.076 --> 0:02:30.516 cultural reasons are that we aren't told it's good to 0:02:30.516 --> 0:02:33.996 be self compassionate. We're raised to be self sacrificing and 0:02:34.036 --> 0:02:36.716 that we should always be compassionate to others. And there's 0:02:36.716 --> 0:02:38.516 a lot of miss that get in the way of 0:02:38.556 --> 0:02:40.676 self compassion that we can talk about in a moment. 0:02:41.276 --> 0:02:46.036 But there's also an important evolutionary element. So the system 0:02:46.196 --> 0:02:49.436 that evolved to keep ourselves safe is a threat defense 0:02:49.516 --> 0:02:53.156 system right fight or freeze. So when we feel threatened, 0:02:53.276 --> 0:02:56.716 we fight ourselves with criticism, hoping we'll get ourselves in 0:02:56.756 --> 0:02:59.476 shape and be safe, or we flee into a sense 0:02:59.516 --> 0:03:02.396 of shame and isolation, or we freeze and get stuck. 0:03:02.996 --> 0:03:05.156 On the other hand, we do have a safety system 0:03:05.156 --> 0:03:07.436 for others, which is called the care system, and that 0:03:07.556 --> 0:03:11.956 system evolved primarily for our offspring and for our group members. 0:03:12.476 --> 0:03:14.716 And so in order to keep our offspring safe, for 0:03:14.796 --> 0:03:18.516 our group safe, we give compassion and support and kindness 0:03:18.916 --> 0:03:21.596 to those people who care about who are suffering. So 0:03:21.956 --> 0:03:23.796 we have to kind of do a little hack. It's 0:03:23.836 --> 0:03:27.636 actually more natural to be self critical when we're threaded 0:03:27.676 --> 0:03:30.756 in some way than it is to be self compassionate. 0:03:31.036 --> 0:03:31.196 You know. 0:03:31.276 --> 0:03:33.876 You know, when your friend loses their job, you aren't 0:03:33.876 --> 0:03:36.436 personally threatened, so you go into care mode. When you 0:03:36.516 --> 0:03:39.076 lose your job, you're personally threatened, so you go into fight, 0:03:39.116 --> 0:03:41.636 flight or freeze mode. And so that's a pretty heavy 0:03:42.076 --> 0:03:45.116 brain difference that we've got to you know, work. Luckily, 0:03:45.116 --> 0:03:47.596 it can be done. But it's actually more natural to 0:03:47.596 --> 0:03:49.476 be compassionate to others than ourselves. 0:03:50.396 --> 0:03:52.716 To make sure I understand that you're saying that it's 0:03:52.756 --> 0:03:55.996 actually the feeling of threat that's ignited by our own 0:03:56.036 --> 0:03:59.076 pain and suffering that leads us to withhold compassion from 0:03:59.116 --> 0:04:01.516 ourselves because we think we need to act on this, 0:04:01.876 --> 0:04:03.516 we need to get this right, we need to solve 0:04:03.556 --> 0:04:05.236 this problem exactly. 0:04:05.356 --> 0:04:07.476 And so we're using the kind of our reptilian brain, 0:04:07.556 --> 0:04:10.356 the older brain, to think of just immediately, you know, 0:04:10.396 --> 0:04:13.876 we beat ourselves up. I'll criticize myself before other people do. 0:04:14.116 --> 0:04:16.396 Or again we just try to whip ourselves into shape 0:04:16.436 --> 0:04:19.436 with the most immediate way we know how, or again 0:04:19.476 --> 0:04:22.956 we go into shame mode, which is also a safety behavior, 0:04:23.636 --> 0:04:26.156 or rumination is also a safety behavior. Maybe if I 0:04:26.236 --> 0:04:29.356 just don't move or think about it five hundred times 0:04:29.356 --> 0:04:30.396 and problem won't go away. 0:04:31.276 --> 0:04:33.636 I have no idea what you're talking about, Kristin. I've 0:04:33.676 --> 0:04:36.836 never experienced this. It's more like a thousand times. 0:04:37.316 --> 0:04:40.036 But you know, the care mode is also natural, right, 0:04:40.076 --> 0:04:42.716 as you know, even like young children can feel carrying 0:04:42.716 --> 0:04:46.116 toward others. It's a completely natural system. It's just more 0:04:46.156 --> 0:04:50.196 often triggered by others people we care about. So we 0:04:50.236 --> 0:04:52.876 do have to make a switch and start treating ourselves 0:04:53.036 --> 0:04:54.996 like we would treat someone else we cared about. 0:04:55.876 --> 0:04:58.076 Yeah, I mean, I love this framing because I think 0:04:58.116 --> 0:05:00.036 it shows Look, there are some things that come very 0:05:00.116 --> 0:05:02.356 naturally to us. And then there are other things that 0:05:02.396 --> 0:05:05.996 require a lot of deliberate cognitive effort in order to 0:05:06.076 --> 0:05:09.076 inspire and cultivate within ourselves, and it seems like self 0:05:09.156 --> 0:05:11.116 compassion is one of those things. 0:05:11.836 --> 0:05:13.836 The effort needs to be made to remember to do 0:05:13.916 --> 0:05:16.236 it and also to give ourselves permission to do it, 0:05:16.636 --> 0:05:19.996 and the permission is very important, especially when our culture 0:05:20.036 --> 0:05:21.996 has told us that it's selfish to be kind to 0:05:22.036 --> 0:05:24.876 ourselves and that it's you know, we should will be 0:05:24.956 --> 0:05:28.076 lazy if we do, or will become self indulgent. So 0:05:28.316 --> 0:05:31.516 actually the act of being self compassionate is easeful. It's 0:05:31.556 --> 0:05:33.996 actually is a lot easier, if you think about it, 0:05:34.036 --> 0:05:35.956 to be kind to yourself than all the pain and 0:05:35.996 --> 0:05:39.396 effort that comes with criticizing yourself and cutting yourself down. 0:05:39.836 --> 0:05:43.316 This actually makes things flow better, more naturally. But remembering 0:05:43.396 --> 0:05:45.596 to do so is the bit that takes a little 0:05:45.596 --> 0:05:47.436 bit of practice and permission. 0:05:47.676 --> 0:05:52.836 Okay, that's really helpful and very clarifying. I love that. Okay, 0:05:52.876 --> 0:05:55.716 So you know, Kristin, I will confess that when I 0:05:55.796 --> 0:05:59.356 first encountered this work years ago, I was a little skeptical. 0:05:59.756 --> 0:06:03.476 And to be clear, it's not because I don't need 0:06:03.516 --> 0:06:08.316 more self compassion. I've always been an intensely self critical person. 0:06:08.756 --> 0:06:11.396 It's more that I just have had specific concerns, and 0:06:12.196 --> 0:06:16.036 I'm wondering if right now we can engage in a 0:06:16.116 --> 0:06:19.076 quick mythbusting session In case there are listeners out there 0:06:19.116 --> 0:06:22.116 who share some of the same skepticism I used to have. 0:06:22.156 --> 0:06:23.916 I want to bring them on this journey with me 0:06:24.276 --> 0:06:27.436 towards really embracing the research and really understanding the value. 0:06:27.996 --> 0:06:31.036 So one concern that I've had is that it seems 0:06:31.076 --> 0:06:35.116 like promoting self compassion can cause people to let themselves 0:06:35.116 --> 0:06:37.956 off the hook for their bad behaviors. And you know, 0:06:37.996 --> 0:06:40.716 I look around and I see a lot of people 0:06:40.756 --> 0:06:43.876 who are not taking accountability for their actions. Right, it 0:06:43.876 --> 0:06:46.836 seems like they could benefit from a bit more internal 0:06:46.916 --> 0:06:51.196 criticism and so and of course for myself, right, I've 0:06:51.196 --> 0:06:54.516 benefited from self criticism a lot. And so don't we 0:06:54.676 --> 0:06:57.436 need people to be more self critical so that they 0:06:57.436 --> 0:06:58.436 can be better to others? 0:06:59.556 --> 0:07:03.756 Yeah? So self compassion, this kind of unconditional acceptance and 0:07:03.836 --> 0:07:08.116 kindness is toward our worthless people. As human beings. We 0:07:08.156 --> 0:07:11.396 need to accept ourselves, but we can't accept all our behavior, 0:07:11.516 --> 0:07:14.716 especially if it's harming self or others, because if your 0:07:14.756 --> 0:07:18.196 behaviors cause harm to yourself or others, is not compassionate. 0:07:18.876 --> 0:07:21.236 So what we do with self compassion is we accept 0:07:21.276 --> 0:07:25.236 ourselves as flawed human beings who've made a mistake and 0:07:25.276 --> 0:07:28.636 that sense of safety. First of all, we don't blame 0:07:28.676 --> 0:07:32.196 others as much. Often, if we slam ourselves with shame 0:07:32.396 --> 0:07:35.716 for admitting we've done something wrong, our little brains are 0:07:35.716 --> 0:07:37.876 going to try as hard as they can to avoid 0:07:37.916 --> 0:07:40.756 taking responsibility and to blame someone else that they can. 0:07:41.036 --> 0:07:45.156 By the way, research shows that self compassion lessons shame, 0:07:45.236 --> 0:07:47.756 which is a sense of I am bad, but not 0:07:47.796 --> 0:07:50.356 necessarily guilt, which is I did something bad. 0:07:51.036 --> 0:07:54.156 Yeah, And reading your scholarship, I found this distinction very 0:07:54.196 --> 0:07:57.916 helpful because you talk about the difference between guilt and shame, 0:07:58.356 --> 0:08:02.516 and you say, look, being critical of our behaviors is healthy. 0:08:02.716 --> 0:08:05.796 It is good. It provides learning opportunities, It allows us 0:08:05.836 --> 0:08:08.236 to be better people, allows us to reflect on who 0:08:08.276 --> 0:08:10.596 we are and what we want from ourselves moving forward. 0:08:11.636 --> 0:08:16.116 But criticism aimed at ourselves, at our being as a whole, 0:08:16.596 --> 0:08:19.396 is not healthy because, as you said, and I've definitely 0:08:19.396 --> 0:08:21.516 fallen into this camp in the past. You don't want 0:08:21.556 --> 0:08:26.196 to internalize I made a mistake as I am a mistake, right, 0:08:26.276 --> 0:08:28.196 I am bad Exactly. 0:08:28.436 --> 0:08:30.876 When you do that, it actually shuts down your ability 0:08:30.916 --> 0:08:33.556 to learn from your mistakes because you're so consumed by 0:08:33.596 --> 0:08:37.356 the thoughts of inadequacy or shame. Our sense of self 0:08:37.476 --> 0:08:40.556 kind of gets totally absorbed by the shame. It's like 0:08:40.596 --> 0:08:43.716 we disappear. There's no one home to be able to 0:08:43.756 --> 0:08:46.916 try to correct the behavior. You need the safety of 0:08:46.996 --> 0:08:50.396 self acceptance to be able to criticize your behavior and 0:08:50.436 --> 0:08:52.556 to learn from it. Yeah. 0:08:52.676 --> 0:08:55.556 One really counterintuitive finding that I stumbled upon when I 0:08:55.556 --> 0:08:58.556 was reading your work is that when we are consumed 0:08:58.556 --> 0:09:01.756 by shame, it actually makes it harder for us to 0:09:01.796 --> 0:09:05.436 apologize to others. There was also another study that I 0:09:05.476 --> 0:09:10.596 read about that hits on what I would call moral motivation. Ah. Yes, 0:09:10.756 --> 0:09:15.356 so research suggesting that self compassion can actually increase our 0:09:15.396 --> 0:09:18.796 motivation to take personal responsibility for our actions. 0:09:19.236 --> 0:09:23.636 Yeah. So one study they did Brienni's and Chen was 0:09:23.716 --> 0:09:28.716 they had undergraduate students think about some behavior they had 0:09:28.756 --> 0:09:32.076 done that they regretted. Maybe they lied to someone, or 0:09:32.076 --> 0:09:34.516 they cheated on an exam, or they did something they 0:09:34.516 --> 0:09:37.196 felt really badly about And one group of people they 0:09:37.196 --> 0:09:40.476 gave instructions to be compassionate about what they had done, 0:09:41.076 --> 0:09:44.276 and a control group they told nothing, which meant they 0:09:44.316 --> 0:09:46.756 were probably beating themselves up about what they'd done, because 0:09:46.756 --> 0:09:48.836 that's kind of a default mode for most of us. 0:09:49.276 --> 0:09:51.436 And what they found was that the students who were 0:09:51.436 --> 0:09:54.796 told to be compassionate about the mistake they made, when 0:09:54.836 --> 0:09:58.196 they were asked how motivated are you to either apologize 0:09:58.596 --> 0:10:01.276 or actually to repair the mistake in some way, they 0:10:01.316 --> 0:10:03.716 found those who were told to be self compassionate were 0:10:03.836 --> 0:10:07.556 more motivated to repair the situation and to apologize. 0:10:07.956 --> 0:10:12.116 Wow. So another myth that I love you to bust 0:10:12.396 --> 0:10:15.796 is that self compassion is demotivating. And this one's personal. 0:10:15.916 --> 0:10:19.916 So my husband Jimmy, he loves playing competitive squash. Okay, 0:10:19.916 --> 0:10:22.476 he's obsessed with squash. He's obsessed with getting better, and 0:10:23.436 --> 0:10:26.756 he's so self motivated, but he really berates himself when 0:10:26.836 --> 0:10:30.516 he has a poor performance. And as someone who really 0:10:30.516 --> 0:10:33.436 loves him, I hate seeing him in this self vurration mode, 0:10:33.516 --> 0:10:36.476 Like it's pretty painful after a tournament or after some 0:10:36.516 --> 0:10:39.196 competition for him to be like, oh God, why did 0:10:39.196 --> 0:10:40.716 I do that? Or you know, I messed up or 0:10:40.716 --> 0:10:43.196 I didn't play my best. But when I tell him 0:10:43.236 --> 0:10:45.956 to stop the self criticism, to curve it a bit, 0:10:46.516 --> 0:10:48.916 his counter argument is that he doesn't want to lose 0:10:49.116 --> 0:10:52.036 that part of himself because it means he might have 0:10:52.156 --> 0:10:55.276 less motivation to work hard during his next practice session. 0:10:55.756 --> 0:10:59.116 And so, yeah, give me a good argument with my husband. 0:10:59.756 --> 0:11:01.556 Yeah, well, i'll give you the argument that I'll give 0:11:01.556 --> 0:11:04.356 you the data because this one is also very very clear, 0:11:04.836 --> 0:11:07.876 is it self? Compassion is a more effective motivator than 0:11:07.876 --> 0:11:11.356 self criticism. So self criticism does kind of work. Clearly. 0:11:11.436 --> 0:11:14.516 It gets people through med school. It probably motivates your husband, 0:11:14.876 --> 0:11:18.116 But the motivation comes from fear I have to do 0:11:18.156 --> 0:11:20.876 better or else I'll slam myself, And that's motivating. No 0:11:20.876 --> 0:11:22.836 one wants to feel like they're a bad person or 0:11:22.836 --> 0:11:26.596 a loser, So that does provide some motivational power, but 0:11:26.636 --> 0:11:29.796 it also has some maladaptive side effects, which is first 0:11:29.796 --> 0:11:33.796 of all, performance anxiety. Right, So we want some anxiety 0:11:33.836 --> 0:11:36.396 to feel like, okay, it's important that I work. But 0:11:36.676 --> 0:11:39.036 performance anxiety, which is kind of fear of if I 0:11:39.116 --> 0:11:41.396 mess up, I'm going to be a loser or I'm 0:11:41.396 --> 0:11:43.996 going to shame myself. That actually stands in the way 0:11:43.996 --> 0:11:47.276 of our ability to do our best. It also undermines 0:11:47.316 --> 0:11:51.356 our self confidence. But this is really key, it undermines 0:11:51.396 --> 0:11:54.036 our ability to learn. It's very similar to what we 0:11:54.076 --> 0:11:57.556 were just talking about. If you shame yourself for losing, 0:11:57.596 --> 0:12:00.276 I'm a loser, I'm a bad person. You aren't going 0:12:00.316 --> 0:12:03.476 to be as able to say, Okay, just because I 0:12:03.556 --> 0:12:05.796 lost doesn't mean I'm a loser. What can I do 0:12:05.876 --> 0:12:09.636 better next time? And so self compassion is very strongly 0:12:09.876 --> 0:12:12.716 linked to a learning goal orientation as opposed to what's 0:12:12.756 --> 0:12:16.076 called performance goals, which is my success or failure, defiance 0:12:16.116 --> 0:12:18.436 my work as a person. There's a new study that 0:12:18.556 --> 0:12:21.036 isn't even published yet. It just got accepted a few 0:12:21.116 --> 0:12:23.116 days ago. Hot Off the Presses. 0:12:22.716 --> 0:12:25.236 Who I Love Hot Off the Presses Slight change listeners, 0:12:26.476 --> 0:12:26.916 listen up. 0:12:27.036 --> 0:12:30.276 So you know, I work at University of Texas at Austin, 0:12:30.716 --> 0:12:33.036 and I had a dissertation student at the time. He 0:12:33.076 --> 0:12:37.476 was an ex basketball player who for her dissertation decided 0:12:37.476 --> 0:12:41.756 to formalize a self compassion training for nc DOUBLEA athletes. 0:12:42.516 --> 0:12:46.356 So we did a study with several high end NCUBA 0:12:46.716 --> 0:12:49.916 sports teams, all different sports, and we taught them self 0:12:49.916 --> 0:12:53.516 compassion over about four weeks. We actually didn't call it 0:12:53.556 --> 0:12:56.036 self compassion because we knew that was stand in the way. 0:12:56.076 --> 0:12:59.236 We called it inner resilience training, and we taught them 0:12:59.276 --> 0:13:02.916 how to be warm and supportive and kind of themselves 0:13:02.956 --> 0:13:05.596 when they were having trouble in their training routine or 0:13:05.596 --> 0:13:08.276 if they lost in their sport. And what we found 0:13:08.356 --> 0:13:11.356 is not only did it help players' mental health, it 0:13:11.436 --> 0:13:15.436 improved their performance, both self rated and coach rated performance, 0:13:15.876 --> 0:13:20.076 because again, when it's okay to make a mistake or 0:13:20.076 --> 0:13:22.756 to lose, you're more able to learn from the loss 0:13:22.836 --> 0:13:24.996 or the mistake and improve it next time. 0:13:25.436 --> 0:13:30.036 So yes, I love all this research, Kristen. Another concern 0:13:30.116 --> 0:13:32.156 that I'd had when it came to engaging with the 0:13:32.196 --> 0:13:35.076 self compassion work or trying out these interventions is that 0:13:36.076 --> 0:13:40.916 it just kind of felt self centered or selfish or narcissistic. 0:13:40.996 --> 0:13:43.276 I don't know. I was like, what am I doing here, 0:13:43.356 --> 0:13:47.156 sitting here trying to love myself? Like I just, yeah, 0:13:47.396 --> 0:13:49.996 convince me that this is not just the most extreme 0:13:50.076 --> 0:13:51.316 form of narcissism. 0:13:51.636 --> 0:13:55.636 Yes, well absolutely. The reason it's not selfish or narcissistic 0:13:56.276 --> 0:14:00.316 is because it's not like we only have five units 0:14:00.356 --> 0:14:03.436 of compassion and if we give three to ourselves, we 0:14:03.476 --> 0:14:05.996 only have two left over for other people. It actually 0:14:05.996 --> 0:14:09.076 doesn't work this way. Then the research is very clear, 0:14:09.516 --> 0:14:12.356 the more self compassion we give ourselves, in other words, 0:14:12.356 --> 0:14:15.156 the more we fill our own cup, the more compassion 0:14:15.196 --> 0:14:18.756 we have available to give to others. Right, so, there's 0:14:18.796 --> 0:14:21.036 a couple of studies that show this one is burnout. 0:14:21.156 --> 0:14:24.036 You know, this burnout such a problem. We know, whether 0:14:24.076 --> 0:14:26.716 you're a special needs parent or you're a healthcare worker, 0:14:27.036 --> 0:14:29.836 if you're more self compassionate, you're less likely to burn 0:14:29.876 --> 0:14:34.196 out or experience fatigue giving compassion to others. And then 0:14:34.356 --> 0:14:37.116 the other evidence we have that self compassion isn't selfish 0:14:37.196 --> 0:14:41.516 is that in relationships, our partners say that we're more giving, 0:14:41.796 --> 0:14:46.116 we're less selfish, we're less controlling in the relationship if 0:14:46.116 --> 0:14:50.236 we have self compassion. And again, it's really about resourcing yourself. 0:14:50.756 --> 0:14:53.476 When you can resource yourself, you actually have more to 0:14:53.516 --> 0:14:56.796 give to others and you aren't so self focused because 0:14:56.836 --> 0:14:59.396 it's like, oh, Okay, maybe I made a mistake or 0:14:59.396 --> 0:15:02.356 maybe this is a little difficult, and you give yourself 0:15:02.396 --> 0:15:04.636 what you need to get through that and that actually 0:15:04.676 --> 0:15:07.956 gives you the emotional energy you need to care for others. 0:15:09.236 --> 0:15:12.596 Shame and self criticism is an incredibly self focused state. 0:15:12.716 --> 0:15:14.716 You know, who are you thinking about when you're beating 0:15:14.756 --> 0:15:16.436 yourself up? Not other people? 0:15:17.556 --> 0:15:21.556 Good point toiche. I think this is such a critical 0:15:21.596 --> 0:15:26.476 point that you're making about us not having finite compassion resources, 0:15:26.516 --> 0:15:28.836 because I think we do think of it as a 0:15:28.876 --> 0:15:31.956 trade off instinctively. Oh, if I'm really compassionate towards myself, 0:15:31.956 --> 0:15:34.916 then I have fewer resources to give to others. Or 0:15:34.956 --> 0:15:37.236 if I'm really compassionate towards others, I don't have the 0:15:37.276 --> 0:15:39.836 resources to give that same compassion to myself. Yes, And 0:15:39.876 --> 0:15:41.676 what you're telling me is that we shouldn't see it 0:15:41.796 --> 0:15:44.876 as a limited resource. We actually can tap into a 0:15:44.876 --> 0:15:47.556 lot and it can be a virtuous cycle where the 0:15:47.556 --> 0:15:50.276 more we invest compassion ourselves, the more the more we 0:15:50.316 --> 0:15:52.236 have to give to others. Is that right? 0:15:52.516 --> 0:15:55.596 Absolutely, it's additive. It's not a zero sum game. 0:15:56.316 --> 0:16:00.636 Yes. Yeah, Okay, an important distinction you make. So in 0:16:00.836 --> 0:16:03.956 us really grasping what self compassion is, it's important to 0:16:03.956 --> 0:16:06.756 say what it is not. Yes, And so you do 0:16:06.916 --> 0:16:10.556 distinguish between something like self compassion and self esteem. And 0:16:10.596 --> 0:16:13.356 I think this actually helps us understand why it is 0:16:13.396 --> 0:16:17.956 not self indulgent. It's not necessarily ego boosting to be 0:16:17.996 --> 0:16:21.476 self compassion. So tell me about the difference between self 0:16:21.476 --> 0:16:23.596 compassion and self esteem. 0:16:23.876 --> 0:16:27.596 Right, So self esteem, at least, you know, people define 0:16:28.236 --> 0:16:30.596 different ways. But if you think about the word esteem, 0:16:30.676 --> 0:16:36.076 it's a judgment or an evaluation of worth. So usually 0:16:36.076 --> 0:16:39.436 it's predicated on being special and above average. You know, 0:16:39.476 --> 0:16:42.356 if I said, hey, Maya, you have this podcasts average, 0:16:42.476 --> 0:16:44.916 You're going to be devastated. If you say, hey, Christian, 0:16:44.996 --> 0:16:47.996 your research is average, I'll be devastated. Right, So the 0:16:48.036 --> 0:16:49.556 way it's set up is we all have to be 0:16:49.636 --> 0:16:53.876 above average just for baseline self esteem. And so because 0:16:53.916 --> 0:16:57.236 we're always comparing ourselves to others, that could lead to 0:16:57.316 --> 0:17:01.316 problems like narcissism. If you think what narcissism is is 0:17:01.356 --> 0:17:04.276 people who have to either be really superior to others 0:17:04.636 --> 0:17:07.916 or who cannot take any negative feedback whatsoever they deflected. 0:17:07.916 --> 0:17:11.116 They put up the shield because it's so devastating. So 0:17:11.156 --> 0:17:14.356 self esteem is based on social comparison. It's also based 0:17:14.436 --> 0:17:18.436 on h performance success and that might be you know, 0:17:18.476 --> 0:17:21.836 success in terms of am I attractive, do people like me? 0:17:22.356 --> 0:17:26.156 And so self esteem tends to be contingent on external 0:17:26.236 --> 0:17:29.836 factors like did I succeed or not? So self esteem 0:17:29.876 --> 0:17:31.676 is a fair weather friend, right. It's there for you 0:17:31.716 --> 0:17:33.836 when you're better than others or when you succeed, and 0:17:33.876 --> 0:17:37.356 it deserts you when you need it most, when you're rejected, 0:17:37.476 --> 0:17:39.796 or you feel inadequate, or you you know, fall flat 0:17:39.836 --> 0:17:42.636 on your face. Self compassion is a good friend. It's 0:17:42.636 --> 0:17:45.676 a stable friend. And if you're smiling and say, where's 0:17:45.716 --> 0:17:48.076 the research for that? One study, for instance, is we 0:17:48.116 --> 0:17:51.436 did measure self worth. We measured it twelve times over 0:17:51.476 --> 0:17:54.756 an eight month period, and it was level of overall 0:17:54.796 --> 0:17:58.636 self compassion, not level of self esteem that predicted stability 0:17:58.636 --> 0:18:01.116 and self worth. You know, so self worth goes up 0:18:01.116 --> 0:18:03.276 and down with self esteem. You have a good hair day, 0:18:03.276 --> 0:18:06.196 you have a bad hair day. Self compassion is really 0:18:06.436 --> 0:18:10.716 a constant friend. It's intrinsic to being human. Right. The 0:18:10.796 --> 0:18:14.956 quintessential self compassion question is what do I need right now? 0:18:15.876 --> 0:18:18.236 What do I need to learn? What do I need 0:18:18.276 --> 0:18:20.636 to be there for myself right now? What do I need? 0:18:20.676 --> 0:18:22.756 Do I need to give some help? Do I need 0:18:22.836 --> 0:18:26.356 a bath? Wisdom? Is what tells you the answer, But 0:18:26.436 --> 0:18:29.436 being willing to ask the question is key because what 0:18:29.436 --> 0:18:32.076 you're saying is my needs count I'm worthy of care 0:18:32.156 --> 0:18:32.716 and support. 0:18:33.876 --> 0:18:37.316 After the break, Kristen walks us through the three elements 0:18:37.316 --> 0:18:41.316 of self compassion. Then she shares a helpful exercise so 0:18:41.356 --> 0:18:48.196 we can start practicing this skill in real time. We'll 0:18:48.196 --> 0:18:54.036 be back in a moment with a slight change of plans. 0:19:00.116 --> 0:19:03.836 I love this three component model you have for self compassion, 0:19:04.476 --> 0:19:08.156 and it actually starts with mindfulness, which is a little 0:19:08.156 --> 0:19:10.476 bit of a surprise for me. So help me thread 0:19:10.516 --> 0:19:13.716 the needle between mindfulness and self compassion. 0:19:14.156 --> 0:19:16.676 Yes, so, first of all, that's not an accident because 0:19:16.676 --> 0:19:19.716 I first learned about self compassion when I was learning 0:19:19.796 --> 0:19:24.556 mindfulness meditation. And so mindfulness has to be in self 0:19:24.556 --> 0:19:28.796 compassion because mindfulness is what allows us to turn toward 0:19:28.996 --> 0:19:33.236 and acknowledge the pain. We can't give ourself warmth and 0:19:33.276 --> 0:19:35.356 support or ask you know, what can I do to 0:19:35.396 --> 0:19:39.596 help if we don't acknowledge it, I'm hurting. And because 0:19:39.596 --> 0:19:43.756 we're human beings who are naturally resistant to pain and suffering, 0:19:44.316 --> 0:19:46.556 often we don't either. We ignore it. We just stiff 0:19:46.636 --> 0:19:48.276 up the lip and I'm just not going to pause 0:19:48.316 --> 0:19:51.556 to acknowledge that I'm hurting and need some compassion. Or 0:19:51.556 --> 0:19:53.436 if we do the opposite, which I like to call 0:19:53.516 --> 0:19:57.036 over identification, and that means we're lost in the negative emotion. 0:19:57.156 --> 0:20:00.996 We're lost in the feelings of fear, shame, or anger 0:20:01.076 --> 0:20:03.796 or whatever it happens to be. And so if you 0:20:03.836 --> 0:20:05.756 think about if a friend were to call you up, 0:20:05.916 --> 0:20:08.116 and first of all, you didn't take their phone call, 0:20:08.516 --> 0:20:10.116 you don't listen to what your friend had to say, 0:20:10.116 --> 0:20:12.196 You couldn't give them compassion. You know, I'm too busy. 0:20:12.316 --> 0:20:15.436 We often do that with theirselves. Actually we're too busy 0:20:16.396 --> 0:20:19.116 deposit and acknowledge we're hurting and we need a little help. 0:20:19.716 --> 0:20:21.716 But the other thing, imagine if your friend called you 0:20:21.756 --> 0:20:23.796 and you just talked right over them and you didn't 0:20:23.796 --> 0:20:26.036 give them any space for them to tell you your story. 0:20:26.356 --> 0:20:28.796 We also actually do that with ourself a lot. We 0:20:28.836 --> 0:20:31.916 get so wrapped up in our pain and the story 0:20:31.916 --> 0:20:34.996 and the drama of what's happening that there's no space 0:20:35.436 --> 0:20:38.236 to step outside of ourselves and say, hey, you're really 0:20:38.236 --> 0:20:40.756 having a hard time. How can I help you? So 0:20:40.796 --> 0:20:43.396 we actually need to start with mindfulness. We need to 0:20:43.476 --> 0:20:46.756 turn towards the pain, as uncomfortable as it is, in 0:20:46.876 --> 0:20:51.396 order to respond with this warmth and kindness. And so 0:20:51.436 --> 0:20:54.596 then the second element of self compassion, which actually may 0:20:54.836 --> 0:20:59.276 not be so intuitive, is a sense of common humanity 0:21:00.036 --> 0:21:04.516 or in other words, recognizing that we aren't alone. One 0:21:04.596 --> 0:21:08.796 of the problems when our suffering occurs, especially when it's 0:21:08.796 --> 0:21:11.836 something that we've done, we've made a mistake, is it 0:21:11.956 --> 0:21:15.396 Irrationally we feel like everyone else in the world is 0:21:15.436 --> 0:21:18.916 living a normal, perfect life and it's just me who's 0:21:18.916 --> 0:21:21.156 failed or made this mistake, or it's just me who's 0:21:21.196 --> 0:21:24.076 going through this really challenging time. So again, it's not 0:21:24.116 --> 0:21:26.876 a logical thought, but it's the way we feel about it. 0:21:27.436 --> 0:21:30.076 And this is like kicking ourselves when we're down, because 0:21:30.116 --> 0:21:32.796 not only are we hurting, we feel there's something wrong 0:21:32.836 --> 0:21:34.876 with us for hurting, and we feel like we're the 0:21:34.916 --> 0:21:37.836 only one. We feel isolated and alone in that pain. 0:21:38.876 --> 0:21:42.476 So remembering other people it does two things. First of all, 0:21:42.516 --> 0:21:45.236 it reminds us that we aren't alone, which helps as 0:21:45.276 --> 0:21:48.636 supposed to feeling isolated. But it also, going back to 0:21:48.756 --> 0:21:51.396 what I said earlier, it allows us to take our 0:21:51.436 --> 0:21:55.396 pain less personally. That it's not poor me, it's well, 0:21:55.436 --> 0:22:00.156 everyone is imperfect, everyone struggles. I'm not alone in this. 0:22:00.596 --> 0:22:03.156 This is part of this larger hole that we call 0:22:03.316 --> 0:22:07.556 human life. And then when we remember that, we feel 0:22:07.596 --> 0:22:09.756