1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:26,680 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we 9 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:44,640 Speaker 1: are diving into a question that I'm gonna almost guarantee 10 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: has probably come up for every single one of us 11 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:51,879 Speaker 1: right now. Whether you're in a long term, stable, committed relationship, 12 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 1: whether you have just started dating someone new, you're single, now, 13 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: you're somewhere in between. The question is how do I 14 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: know whether this person is the one? How do I 15 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: know I'm in the right relationship? How do I know 16 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: and how will I know that someone is it for me? 17 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,839 Speaker 1: It's a very i would say anxiety and using question 18 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,960 Speaker 1: who we choose to be in a relationship with, is 19 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: you know, life defying? And even if you don't necessarily 20 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: believe in the idea of the one or you're skeptical 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,480 Speaker 1: of the idea of a soulmate. There is still some 22 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 1: kind of irrational part of ourselves that really questions whether 23 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:38,759 Speaker 1: we're going to find the perfect person for us, whether 24 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: that person is out there, and whether the person we're 25 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 1: with now is actually that person. How can I tell 26 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: that this is going to be forever? How do I 27 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: know if it's going to work out? Unfortunately, you know, 28 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: I can't really answer that question for you, but it 29 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: is a big one that comes up not just throughout 30 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: our life. 31 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 2: But especially in our twenties. Can be very natural to 32 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,600 Speaker 2: have doubts during this decade. You know, you are so young, 33 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 2: and there are so many people out there, and you're 34 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 2: constantly being told that and so if the person that 35 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,360 Speaker 2: you're with right now isn't the one, well, you do 36 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 2: kind of want to know now so you don't waste 37 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 2: either of your time. You want to know that you 38 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 2: so that you can kind of explore what else is 39 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,320 Speaker 2: out there, maybe you can meet someone on a deeper level, 40 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 2: or you know, just in general avoid regret of choosing 41 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,359 Speaker 2: the wrong person. So, because there is a lot of 42 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 2: anxiety around this and also a lot of questions around 43 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 2: what makes a relationship good, let's unpack this together. Like 44 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:36,880 Speaker 2: I said, I can't necessarily give you a magic formula 45 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,799 Speaker 2: because love is not that simple. But I do want 46 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,799 Speaker 2: to explore the idea of the one from a more 47 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:47,919 Speaker 2: psychological standpoint. Is it fact or fiction? How can we tell? 48 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 2: But also I want to explain why expert after expert 49 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 2: will tell you that love is more than just a spark. 50 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 2: It is about hard work, It is about compatibility. And 51 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,399 Speaker 2: you know, when I was younger, I used to hate 52 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 2: that idea, Like, honestly, I would be scared by that 53 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 2: idea that love had to be work, because I was 54 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,720 Speaker 2: like everything else in life seems to be work. Surely 55 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 2: love gets a pass. But you know, the older I've gotten, 56 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 2: the more I've found this idea quite comforting and actually 57 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 2: really special, the idea of choosing to be with someone 58 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 2: rather than it just always being seamless and someone dropping 59 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 2: right into your lap, in it working. I honestly find 60 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 2: that the work component of it is a lot more meaningful. 61 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 2: But there are definitely there is definitely a point where 62 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 2: the work, Like, you can't just turn anyone into your soulmate. 63 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 2: There are some critical ingredients that a relationship needs, that 64 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 2: someone needs to have in order to be not just 65 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 2: the one, but the right kind of one for you. 66 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 2: So we're going to explore those five crucial signs, as 67 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 2: well as seven questions you can ask yourself right now, 68 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: at this very moment to determine whether this relationship is 69 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 2: right for you. Without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's 70 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 2: get into it. Let's kick things off by kind of 71 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,600 Speaker 2: dismantling this idea of the one Let's talk through this 72 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,919 Speaker 2: one narrative, you know, the notion of a singular predestined soulmate. 73 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 2: It's very captivating because a it's like incredibly romantic and 74 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 2: b And it might not seem this way, but it's 75 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,719 Speaker 2: also rather simple, takes a lot of the leg work 76 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 2: out of things. You know, there is this idea that 77 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 2: when you meet the right person, you'll just know it 78 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 2: will click, it will work, you'll be together forever. There's 79 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 2: no need to keep searching, there's no need to wonder 80 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 2: what if. But here's a bit of a reality check. 81 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 2: I think clinging too tightly to this, you know, a 82 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 2: beautiful idea. But clinging too tightly to this idea can 83 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 2: actually be rather counterproductive. Why because it fosters a rather 84 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 2: passive approach to love. It kind of suggests that your 85 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 2: main job is just to discover this person rather than 86 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 2: to actively cultivate a relationship or to discover yourself and 87 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 2: what you want, or be picky. It also, you know, 88 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,239 Speaker 2: as a secondary consequence, place is a very impossible burden 89 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 2: on one individual to fulfill all your needs, all your expectations, 90 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 2: and it means that the moment that difficulties arise in 91 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 2: a relationship, which they inevitably will, it can really cause 92 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 2: us to question whether this person is the right person. 93 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 2: Because if we have been told since we were children 94 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 2: that love is just easy and it's effortless, and suddenly 95 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,279 Speaker 2: it's not, well, then that kind of challenges the idea 96 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 2: and it challenges our sense of stability. Beyond that, I 97 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,160 Speaker 2: do also think that the pressure to find the one 98 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 2: definitely contributes to a lot of stigma around being single. 99 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 2: It contributes to a sense that if you're single, you 100 00:05:56,160 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 2: have somehow failed to you know, comp this mission and 101 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 2: complete your goal. And it's also this cultural script that 102 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 2: we see time and time again that you cannot be 103 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,239 Speaker 2: happy and your life cannot begin until you have found 104 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 2: the other person that was put on this planet to 105 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 2: meet you where you're at. And I don't even think 106 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 2: I need to get into how restrictive that is and 107 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 2: also how completely incorrect it is as well, this idea 108 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 2: that once that person, what happens if they you know, 109 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,919 Speaker 2: they die, Like, great, You're you're going to live a 110 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,599 Speaker 2: miserable life for the rest of your life. That's not true. 111 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 2: You know, people meet the people they think of soulmates, 112 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 2: they pass away, they meet other people who are brilliant, 113 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:43,239 Speaker 2: like there are so many examples of having multiple people 114 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 2: who can fulfill you. But this narrative of the one 115 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 2: of a soulmate can create a very intense, often debilitating pressure. 116 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 2: It can lead to feelings of inadequacy. I actually think 117 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 2: it can put more stress on a relationship. And our 118 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 2: lives are stressful enough as it is. We don't need 119 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 2: that added pressure off when we first meet someone. And 120 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 2: in fact, thinking that you will be able to tell 121 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,480 Speaker 2: everything you need to know about someone from that first 122 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,320 Speaker 2: spark and that first meeting is actually probably causing you 123 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 2: to see someone through a very narrow lens. In fact, 124 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 2: two thousand and five study from Harvard it's one of 125 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 2: my favorite studies of all time. It was one of 126 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,000 Speaker 2: the first to actually use fMRI techniques. To see what 127 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 2: love looked like in the brain. This study found that 128 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 2: the most primitive parts of this organ of our brain 129 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:38,679 Speaker 2: are actually involved in that initial attraction, and those primitive 130 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 2: parts of our brain are influenced by such an intoxicating 131 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 2: combination of neurotransmitters, probably the most intoxicating combination you could find. 132 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 2: When you first meet someone and you have the spark, 133 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 2: and you have the romance and the attraction, you were 134 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 2: getting hit with dopamine, you were getting hit with adrenaline, 135 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 2: with corsoal, with vacupressant, with oxytocin, all of which cause 136 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:04,520 Speaker 2: you to behave and think in ways that you wouldn't normally. 137 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 2: So not only are you feeling a lot of really 138 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 2: positive feelings, but also all of these hormones and all 139 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 2: of these neurotransmitters are also at times deactivating the neural 140 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 2: pathways responsible for social judgment, meaning that you can't actually 141 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 2: assess someone clearly. All those critical all the neural machinery 142 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 2: that you need to make critical assessments of other people 143 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 2: is essentially being silenced. It's being kind of suffocated by 144 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 2: the noise of the attraction. And it's why the phrase 145 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,719 Speaker 2: love is blind holds so much truth. When we are 146 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 2: only looking for a spark, we are looking at someone 147 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,839 Speaker 2: through a very restrictive lens. It means that we can't 148 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 2: see them clearly. It also means that there may be 149 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 2: other people sitting outside of that lens that we can't 150 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 2: see at all. There is an amazing book that I 151 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 2: recommend to almost everyone, which is the Science of Happily 152 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 2: ever After. And in it, the author doctor Tie T. Shiro. 153 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 2: He's a psychologist. He's an expert in interpersonal relationships. He 154 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 2: points out that passion and chemistry they get all the 155 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 2: attention because they're glamorous and it's flashy and it's beautiful. 156 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,079 Speaker 2: But throughout all of his research in long term research 157 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:28,839 Speaker 2: trials treits like agreeableness, emotional stability, conscientiousness, things that might 158 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,079 Speaker 2: not show up on a first date, they are actually 159 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 2: far more robust predictors of long term relationship happiness. So 160 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 2: let's reframe. Instead of this cosmic lottery ticket where you 161 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 2: find the one, let's just consider the possibility that someone 162 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 2: becomes the one. Someone becomes the one through shared experiences, 163 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,959 Speaker 2: through mutual effort, and through a dedication to an evolving connection. 164 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 2: All consider the idea that there are actually many people 165 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,840 Speaker 2: who could be the one or the right kind of 166 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 2: one for you. The benefit of having this perspective in 167 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 2: our twenties particularly, I think is threefold. Firstly, it stops 168 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 2: us from thinking that love is rare, and that means 169 00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 2: that we are going to be less restricted by a 170 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 2: scarcity mindset in dating. We're going to be less restricted 171 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 2: by this idea that we need to like we need 172 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,719 Speaker 2: to find someone right now, like there is someone out 173 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 2: there and we are in a race against time to 174 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 2: find them. That's not a healthy approach to finding love, 175 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 2: especially in a decade where love should be an addition 176 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,680 Speaker 2: and never something that feels restrictive. Secondly, I think it 177 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 2: also takes us from being quite passive to being active 178 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 2: in the quest for love. You know, you aren't just 179 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 2: expecting someone to drop into your lap fully formed. You 180 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 2: are looking for a co pilot, and a copilot needs 181 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,679 Speaker 2: to be interviewed. They need to be tested, they need 182 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,320 Speaker 2: to prove themselves. If you are choosing a life partner, 183 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 2: especially in your twenties, when you are like an adult toddler, 184 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 2: this person is going to hopefully be with you for 185 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,679 Speaker 2: a very long time. They are perhaps going to raise children, 186 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 2: with you. They're going to make financial decisions with you. 187 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 2: They're going to see you through major grief and job 188 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 2: insecurity and moving house when it's just like when you've 189 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 2: got a cold, like they're going to see you through 190 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 2: the worst things ever. You need a good co pilot. 191 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 2: You need someone who's like willing to perform, not just 192 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 2: someone who makes you feel gouwy inside. We want both. 193 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,320 Speaker 2: And finally, I think the reason that this perspective is 194 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 2: so healthy is that it allows you to value commitment 195 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:41,200 Speaker 2: just as much as you value chemistry, meaning you're also 196 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,280 Speaker 2: able to let go of bonds that aren't right for you. 197 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 2: We've all had that feeling of meeting someone where yes, 198 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 2: you do magically click with someone and it's sensational and 199 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 2: you are talking all night and you are telling your 200 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,360 Speaker 2: friends about them, and you think that you've found the one, 201 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,440 Speaker 2: but they're not ready. They they're not ready for commitment. 202 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 2: If we believe that there is only one person for us, 203 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,199 Speaker 2: we will continue to pursue that person and hold on 204 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 2: tightly to the possibility of this person even when it hurts, 205 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 2: and even when it gets in the way of a 206 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 2: more healthy connection. But when you see love as an equation, 207 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 2: an equation that also requires reciprocity, shared values, commitment, hard work. 208 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 2: It's a lot easier for you to let that person 209 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,439 Speaker 2: go and to kind of carry on with your life. Now. 210 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,319 Speaker 2: I know this might not be, you know, the romantic 211 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,920 Speaker 2: take that you are expecting, but I will say, just 212 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,439 Speaker 2: because personally, I don't think that there is one soulmate 213 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 2: of one person for each of us, does not mean 214 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,959 Speaker 2: that you can just pick up anybody on the street 215 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,480 Speaker 2: and turn them into the love of your life. That 216 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,319 Speaker 2: is not what I am arguing for. There are still 217 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 2: some very critical things needed to make a relationship work, 218 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 2: and some very deep emotional compatibility factors that will determine 219 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,959 Speaker 2: the long term success of your relationship. And these are 220 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 2: things that you can actually begin to notice very early on. 221 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 2: And yet when we look at couples who end up 222 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 2: breaking up versus the ones who stay together, we see 223 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 2: that those same things that you could have noticed at 224 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:19,199 Speaker 2: month zero or month three are the ones that cause 225 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,040 Speaker 2: them to divorce and break up. So we want to 226 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 2: talk about these factors. I've been teasing this for the 227 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,080 Speaker 2: whole start fifteen minutes of this episode. Let's talk about 228 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 2: those five signs that someone is right for you. The 229 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,559 Speaker 2: first critical sign is that they are excited about your 230 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,680 Speaker 2: life and you are excited about their life, not just 231 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 2: in the early days, but when things do become more monotonous. 232 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 2: We've already explained how you know, in the early days 233 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,719 Speaker 2: you're attracted to someone is naturally heightened. That's maybe one 234 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:51,679 Speaker 2: word for it. You're obsessed with them. Basically, during those 235 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 2: early periods, you are naturally excited by the novelty of 236 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,559 Speaker 2: this person, and they just contain all of this newness. 237 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 2: You know, new stories, new interests, new traits. There's new 238 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 2: people in your life that come in the door with them. 239 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 2: That newness is really what defines the honeymoon period. The 240 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 2: honeymoon period of like bliss where there's no conflict, there's 241 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 2: no fighting, everyone's really happy. All you do is like 242 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 2: just talk and just like make out and just do 243 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:22,280 Speaker 2: fun things that only lasts like six to eighteen months. 244 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 2: Like neurologically, people will say, oh, you know, our honeymoon 245 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 2: period never ended. It did. Like the way your brain, 246 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 2: you know, thinks about this person and reacts to them 247 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 2: and interprets them does change. But what takes over is 248 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,760 Speaker 2: something deeper, and when the honeymoon period is over is 249 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 2: when you do start to see a change in the relationship, 250 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 2: and it's when the relationship either grows or breaks apart. 251 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:54,080 Speaker 2: And what determines what category or what road you're going 252 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:57,360 Speaker 2: to go down is something's so small you might not 253 00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 2: even notice it. It's called bids for attention. So this 254 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 2: is a concept that was highlighted by psychologists Julie and 255 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 2: John Gotman. They're a couple. They are basically like the 256 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 2: leading experts in relationship stability. They founded a lab. It's 257 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 2: called the Love Lab. Great name would have been great 258 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 2: for like a bar as well, or even a podcast. 259 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 2: Love Lab so cute, and it's one of the first 260 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 2: couples therapy clinics that was opened in Washington in the eighties. 261 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,800 Speaker 2: Julian and John Gotman, they literally created the idea of 262 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 2: a healthy relationship. Like you know, they were not the 263 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 2: first ones to have a healthy relationship, but they were 264 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,440 Speaker 2: the first ones to label it, to want to know 265 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 2: what it looked like from the inside, and to really 266 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 2: like try and convince people that it was something they 267 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 2: could obtain and something that was important to understand. And 268 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 2: they discovered these bids for connection and they're really what 269 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 2: defined the relationships that lasted in the couples that they 270 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 2: saw and the ones that didn't. For example, imagine you 271 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 2: come home from work one day and you say to 272 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,120 Speaker 2: your partner, oh my god, Becky from work was just 273 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 2: so annoying. She's so annoying, and your partner goes, oh, 274 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 2: it's Obama, that's all they say. You can feel a 275 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 2: little bit rejected. You're gonna feel a little bit silenced 276 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 2: in that moment right now. Instead imagine if they said, oh, 277 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,760 Speaker 2: not again, like what's she up to this time? Tell 278 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 2: me all about it? Like what was your boss saying? 279 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 2: What was she doing? This kind of response is basically 280 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 2: saying I hear you, I see you. I'm excited about 281 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 2: your life. And in those moments, that person is turning 282 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 2: towards you, not just with their body, but with their reaction, 283 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 2: they're inviting you closer. In couples who remain together and 284 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 2: not just together, but together and happy, they turn towards 285 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 2: each other's bids for connection at a significantly higher rate 286 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 2: compared to those who eventually separate. So the couples who 287 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 2: stay together they match eighty six percent or meet eighty 288 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,360 Speaker 2: six percent of these bids for connections compared to couples 289 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,399 Speaker 2: who separate at thirty three percent. How you respond to 290 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,239 Speaker 2: your partner's every day attempts to engage, whether it's a 291 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,920 Speaker 2: comment about their day or a shared observation. It's really important. 292 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,640 Speaker 2: Even if what they're saying isn't the most exciting thing, 293 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,719 Speaker 2: you should be excited by the fact that they're the 294 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 2: ones saying it. Then that's our first question to really 295 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 2: determine if you're with the right kind of one for you. 296 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 2: Are you, at the end of the day interested in 297 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 2: their life and are they interested in yours. The next 298 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,440 Speaker 2: sign is something that we kind of, I would say, 299 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,440 Speaker 2: brush over a lot, but could end up being kind 300 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,880 Speaker 2: of like the undoing of a relationship if we aren't careful. 301 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 2: It's values, and not just values in terms of religious 302 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 2: beliefs or having the exact same kind of personality. It's 303 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,359 Speaker 2: deeper than that. It's do you see the world in 304 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 2: a similar way to me? Do you have the same 305 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,639 Speaker 2: idea of love, the same idea of a good life, 306 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 2: the same ideas of justice and fairness and kindness and 307 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:06,679 Speaker 2: work ethic. Those are really critical. Now, obviously you know 308 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 2: you aren't going to go on a first date and 309 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 2: immediately like sit down and ask someone, so, who did 310 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 2: you vote for? Or do you want kids? Or what's 311 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,240 Speaker 2: the biggest issue facing humanity? If you want to though, 312 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,800 Speaker 2: go ahead, like, I would love to know if you 313 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 2: do that, what their answers are. But it's about being 314 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:27,360 Speaker 2: aware of the fact that values and your moral standpoints 315 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,639 Speaker 2: are just as important as hobbies, similarities, attraction, all of 316 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 2: those things. And I'm going to tell you why. 317 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:34,399 Speaker 1: So. 318 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:38,639 Speaker 2: A twenty sixteen study basically found that a lack of 319 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,280 Speaker 2: shared beliefs between a couple increased the risk of divorce 320 00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:47,280 Speaker 2: by almost nineteen percent. That's a lot of percents, nineteen 321 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,680 Speaker 2: of them. Like that, I'm not betting on those chances. 322 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,919 Speaker 2: An even more recent study that was actually conducted this 323 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 2: year twenty twenty five. It looked at over three hundred 324 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,680 Speaker 2: married couples and it asked them to rate their own 325 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,239 Speaker 2: value values, rate their spouse's values, and how satisfied they 326 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 2: were at the end of the day in their marriage. 327 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:10,600 Speaker 2: Those who not only shared each other's values, but contributed 328 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,000 Speaker 2: to how they were expressed in the other person, i e. 329 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 2: They gave them opportunities to be generous, they gave them 330 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 2: opportunities to be creative, to be a leader. They were 331 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 2: much happier in that relationship. This phenomena that we have 332 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 2: been describing it has a name. It's called value congruence theory. 333 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 2: When two people share similar values, they are more likely 334 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 2: to make similar decisions, and therefore they are less likely 335 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 2: to resent the other person. That resentment is really just 336 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:47,199 Speaker 2: fuel for conflict, for arguments, for deep moral and personal tension, 337 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 2: so you're avoiding a whole lot of that. The question 338 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 2: that I think gets straight to the heart of this. 339 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 2: I think it's an incredible litmus test if you're kind 340 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 2: of at like a fork in the road with your relationship. 341 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,879 Speaker 2: If you were suddenly in a coma for two years, 342 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,120 Speaker 2: would you be happy for your partner to run your 343 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,439 Speaker 2: life for you? Would you trust their decisions? If you 344 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 2: want to have kids as well. I know this question 345 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 2: might not be for everyone, but if kids are on 346 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,240 Speaker 2: the cards for you, there's something that you want. You 347 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,360 Speaker 2: can also apply this question to that future hypothetical as well. 348 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,360 Speaker 2: Would this person be the kind of parent I would 349 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,359 Speaker 2: want my kids to have. 350 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,560 Speaker 1: Would they teach them. 351 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 2: The values and the lessons that I think matter? It 352 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 2: is very easy in our twenties to not think about 353 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,400 Speaker 2: these things very much. And you know what, I kind 354 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 2: of I get it, like relationships are meant to be 355 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 2: fun and passionate and spontaneous and in the moment. Sometimes 356 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,560 Speaker 2: you don't bring up moral imperatives or moral questions or 357 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 2: big philosophical deep things, but they are things that you 358 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 2: can notice. And when you get serious about someone, you 359 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,600 Speaker 2: also have to get serious about what drives them in life. 360 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,239 Speaker 2: And also the fact that there are some things that 361 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 2: you cannot change about them, and you shouldn't have to 362 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 2: change either. Those values matter, find a way to discern them, 363 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,480 Speaker 2: find a way to make sure that you are aligned. Okay, 364 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,639 Speaker 2: my lovely listeners, we are going to take a short break. 365 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 2: But when we return, what are the three final signs 366 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 2: that they are the right kind of one for you? 367 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 2: And also, let's get to those seven questions that you 368 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 2: can ask yourself right now if you want to be 369 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 2: able to tell is this person right for me? So 370 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,439 Speaker 2: stick around, we'll be right back after this short break. 371 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 2: Welcome back. Let's get straight into it. I don't know 372 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 2: about you, but I have heard a lot of couples 373 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,760 Speaker 2: talk about how they don't really argue, you know, they 374 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 2: don't really fight. They haven't had a conflict in five 375 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,560 Speaker 2: years of being together. Maybe people would come to me 376 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,359 Speaker 2: for saying this, but I always think someone's lying in 377 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 2: the situation. Either you are lying to me or your partner, 378 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,400 Speaker 2: or one of you is lying to the other one 379 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 2: about their true feelings. Because healthy couples and people who 380 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 2: are meant to be with you, like, they fight, and 381 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 2: they fight well. That's our third sign for today is 382 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 2: that when you're with the right person, miscommunications and arguments, 383 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,120 Speaker 2: they aren't deal breakers. You don't shy away from them. 384 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 2: You also do it well, and you appreciate that they 385 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 2: are actually relationship expanders because in the occasional kind of 386 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 2: ugliness of disagreements, like you really get to see who 387 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 2: someone really is, and you get to learn so much 388 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,680 Speaker 2: stuff about you know, things like their childhood. You get 389 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,360 Speaker 2: to learn about their coping mechanisms. You get to learn 390 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 2: about how they see the world, how they deal with pain, 391 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 2: how they deal with discomfort. Like, there is so much 392 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:48,480 Speaker 2: in that, let me explain. So being able to argue 393 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 2: well in a relationship is essential because conflict is not 394 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 2: only inevitable, it's also a sign of engagement, like a 395 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:59,359 Speaker 2: version of those emotional bids that we talked about before. 396 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:04,639 Speaker 2: Sometimes people try and get attention through starting conflicts, and 397 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,119 Speaker 2: if another person can learn to deal with that and 398 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 2: understand where that's coming from, that can be a really 399 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,920 Speaker 2: amazing way of knowing someone better. We're also going to 400 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 2: talk about those same researchers as we did before, doctor 401 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,640 Speaker 2: Julie and John Gottman, and what they've had to say 402 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,400 Speaker 2: about why conflict is such a predictor in their minds 403 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 2: of long term relationship success. So they have, like I said, 404 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 2: studied literally thousands of couples over the last decade, and 405 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 2: what they found when it comes to conflict is that 406 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 2: there are four different conflict or communication styles that will 407 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 2: destroy a relationship like almost as quickly as infidelity or 408 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 2: anything else. These are called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. 409 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:54,119 Speaker 2: They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Here's a crazy 410 00:23:54,200 --> 00:24:00,800 Speaker 2: number for you. These things can consistently predict divorce with 411 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 2: over ninety percent of an accuracy rate. So if you 412 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,679 Speaker 2: have one of these things in your relationship, the Gotmans 413 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,800 Speaker 2: and all their research say ninety percent of the time 414 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 2: we can link that to a divorce. Let's talk through 415 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,280 Speaker 2: these four horsemen. The first is criticism. Criticism and a relationship. 416 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 2: It's more than just complaining. It is attacking the person, 417 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,159 Speaker 2: not just the behavior. Instead of saying, like, if you 418 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 2: live with your partner, I'm upset that you didn't do 419 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:32,120 Speaker 2: the dishes, it sounds like you're someone who is lazy, 420 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 2: and you're someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, and 421 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,159 Speaker 2: you're someone who never helps out. So as soon as 422 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,400 Speaker 2: you get into an argument, it's not about the problem 423 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,320 Speaker 2: that you two are dealing with together. It's about the 424 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 2: other person and a flaw that they have, and how 425 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 2: is someone going to react to that. Immediately, they're going 426 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:57,040 Speaker 2: to react with defensiveness or shame or sometimes like a 427 00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 2: need to get back at you. That's the first one. 428 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,919 Speaker 2: The second is contempt, and they say this is the 429 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,639 Speaker 2: most destructive of all. It involves speaking from a place 430 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 2: of superiority, mocking, eye rolling, name calling, sarcasm, things that 431 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 2: display discuss, things that say to someone I'm better than you. 432 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 2: You know, you are crying and you're upset at your partner, 433 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,439 Speaker 2: and they say, oh God, you look so pathetic. I 434 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,359 Speaker 2: can't believe I have to explain this to you again, 435 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,159 Speaker 2: Like this is like the twentieth time I've told you 436 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 2: you're so stupid. Now it's when I say that it's 437 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,720 Speaker 2: the twentieth time I've told you. It's not that you 438 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,119 Speaker 2: are genuinely like trying to bring up past grievances and 439 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,119 Speaker 2: explain like we've talked about this before. It's like you 440 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,960 Speaker 2: are angry at someone and you are willing to cut 441 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 2: them down for it, and you have resentment deep in 442 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,359 Speaker 2: your bones that is coming out through conflict. So Gotman 443 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 2: found this. This is the single greatest predictor of divorce 444 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 2: because it erodes the most crucial part of a relationship, 445 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:05,680 Speaker 2: which is third, we have defensiveness. Now, defensiveness is kind 446 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 2: of like it's actually self protective, but it can often 447 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 2: sound like blame shifting or denial. So instead of taking 448 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:19,200 Speaker 2: responsibility for an action, or if you bring up a criticism, 449 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,879 Speaker 2: instead of saying, yep, I fully own that, a defensive 450 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,800 Speaker 2: partner might say like, it's not my fault that I've 451 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,639 Speaker 2: done this, or you made me do this because of 452 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,679 Speaker 2: this reason, or I only acted that way because you 453 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 2: provoked me. It escalates conflict because it invalidates the other 454 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:41,679 Speaker 2: person's experiences and it avoids accountability and so often. What 455 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 2: this research says is that people who end up doing 456 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 2: this are actually people who are very much overly criticized 457 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,199 Speaker 2: as children, and so they don't want to see that 458 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,920 Speaker 2: criticism reflected in their relationship. But it means that when 459 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 2: it's a valid thing to bring up like they can't 460 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 2: They're tolerance for it is so low that they can't 461 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 2: even take that. So defensiveness is a third and the 462 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,520 Speaker 2: final one is stonewalling, and this occurs when the other 463 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:12,200 Speaker 2: partner just shuts down, goes silent, walks away completely emotionally 464 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,080 Speaker 2: withdraws that they don't want to have it out with you. 465 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 2: I saw this thing the other day this I guess 466 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 2: it was a quote. It was in like a publication. 467 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:24,080 Speaker 2: It basically said it was sorry. It was from a 468 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 2: relationship expert slash couple's counselor, and she said, the biggest 469 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,399 Speaker 2: sign that I know a breakup or a divorce is 470 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,120 Speaker 2: coming coming is when they don't even care about fighting anymore, 471 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,560 Speaker 2: When the other person just completely taps out. They don't 472 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,200 Speaker 2: even they don't see there being a reason and having 473 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 2: conflict if it's not addressed. These things ruin a relationship. 474 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,439 Speaker 2: They ruin them on the other hand, couples who replace 475 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,679 Speaker 2: these behaviors with empathy, who take responsibility, who are attuned 476 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 2: to each other deliberately, they tend to resolve conflict more successfully, 477 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,919 Speaker 2: and it actually is something that they reflect back on 478 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 2: and say, Wow, they actually really deepened our emotional bond. 479 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:08,440 Speaker 2: Can you argue, well, that's really the question here. It's 480 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:12,200 Speaker 2: not about suppressing your anger. It's not about avoiding confrontation. 481 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:16,359 Speaker 2: The healthiest couples they disagree just as much as unhappy ones. 482 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,360 Speaker 2: The difference lies in their use of what we call 483 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 2: repair attempts. So they de escalate tension. They make a joke, 484 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 2: they express affection, they clarify misunderstandings in the middle of 485 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,400 Speaker 2: the disagreement rather than afterwards. You know, if you accidentally, 486 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 2: like snap at your boyfriend in the car because you're 487 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,560 Speaker 2: really frustrated or angry, but then you are the first 488 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 2: one to apologize, and you really do lean over and 489 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 2: you put your hand on his knee and you say, 490 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, and I understand why I did that. Those 491 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 2: small moments are really powerful signals of emotional safety and 492 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:55,280 Speaker 2: the powerful signals of someone not having ego in their relationship, 493 00:28:56,160 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 2: and that emotional safety especially is something that I think 494 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 2: and I wish we talked about just as much as 495 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 2: the spark, just as much as love at first sight 496 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 2: or butterflies, all those things are amazing, but feeling like 497 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 2: you always have a place to kind of come home to, 498 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 2: Like you could literally lay out everything on the table 499 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:17,400 Speaker 2: and they wouldn't look away from it. That's like a 500 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:19,920 Speaker 2: whole new level of intimacy. If you want to know 501 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 2: whether someone is the right one, have a fight. See 502 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,720 Speaker 2: what happens. Okay, we're gonna go in like literally the 503 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 2: complete opposite direction now, like the furthest point left. If 504 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,240 Speaker 2: we have fighting at one end, you have fun and 505 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 2: you have good times on the other. And this is 506 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:42,640 Speaker 2: sign for life. Feels exciting with this person, even when 507 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:46,640 Speaker 2: it is from the outside, very very boring. A soulmate, 508 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,800 Speaker 2: whether it's a soulmate you've found, or a soulmate or 509 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 2: a soul connection that you've built brick by brick, someone 510 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,440 Speaker 2: that you were in a relationship who is right for you, 511 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 2: they should ultimately make you feel lighter. And a big 512 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 2: part of that is humor and laughing and jokes and fun, 513 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: having mundane fun with your partner, doing stupid stuff at 514 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,560 Speaker 2: the grocery store or giggling like kids before you go 515 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 2: to bed, that is a powerful psychological marker of long 516 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 2: term compatibility. I think the reason that it is so 517 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 2: powerful is that it shows that your connection isn't dependent 518 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,760 Speaker 2: on really big moments and a lot of like flurry 519 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 2: and excitement. It's really grounded in shared presence and ease 520 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:34,000 Speaker 2: and a natural sense of like childlike nature and play. 521 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:39,720 Speaker 2: Small moments. That's really what it's based on. And surprise, surprise, 522 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,640 Speaker 2: what is life made up of but small moments? And 523 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:48,600 Speaker 2: so if your relationship can flow and thrive in that 524 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,720 Speaker 2: natural ebb of the basic things you do every day, 525 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,320 Speaker 2: like if your love is made up of small moments 526 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,000 Speaker 2: the way that life is, I feel like it naturally 527 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 2: feels so much so much more stable and special and easy. 528 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 2: There's one study in particular that really captures the importance 529 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,320 Speaker 2: of this, and I want to talk about it today. 530 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 2: It was conducted by the psychologist Arthur Aaron. Now you 531 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 2: might know him from his thirty six Questions to fall 532 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:21,160 Speaker 2: in Love experiment. It's if you haven't heard of this. Basically, 533 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,240 Speaker 2: he came up with these thirty six questions and he 534 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 2: posited that if you sat two people down in a 535 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,120 Speaker 2: room and asked them to ask the other person these questions, 536 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 2: questions that got increasingly intimate. These two people could easily 537 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 2: he could make them fall in love. And there's a 538 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 2: very famous story that the first time he did this experiment, 539 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,720 Speaker 2: literally two of the participants, who had never met each 540 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 2: other before, were married six months later, and it's become 541 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:49,960 Speaker 2: like a bit of folklore. So he's basically the closest 542 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:53,320 Speaker 2: thing that we have to a scientific matchmaker. And in 543 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:57,200 Speaker 2: the early two thousands, he did this study on how 544 00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:02,000 Speaker 2: fun and novelty effects romantic satisfaction. So he got one 545 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:05,080 Speaker 2: hundred and seventy eight couples. They answered like a newspaper ad, 546 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:07,840 Speaker 2: and half of them were asked to engage in a 547 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 2: really novel, exciting activity. I think they did an obstacle 548 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 2: course together, and the other half did like a neutral 549 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,040 Speaker 2: activity where they were just asked to sit and talk 550 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:20,560 Speaker 2: to each other. Those who participated in the playful novel experience, 551 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:26,560 Speaker 2: they reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction afterwards, not because of 552 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:30,440 Speaker 2: the activity itself, but because it reignited a sense of 553 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:37,200 Speaker 2: shared joy and shared spontaneity. What's fascinating, what's even more fascinating, actually, 554 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 2: I should say, is that follow up research showed even 555 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 2: mundane activities, if they were approached with a playful attitude, 556 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:49,160 Speaker 2: had a similar effect on emotional closeness. You don't have 557 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 2: to go out and do an obstacle course, you don't 558 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,440 Speaker 2: have to go out and do an extravagant date night. 559 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,080 Speaker 2: Just bringing that playful energy to small moments is the 560 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:02,440 Speaker 2: real powerful antidote or the real powerful substance here. It's 561 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:06,160 Speaker 2: the shared emotional tone, not the setting, that I think 562 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,920 Speaker 2: really makes the moment meaningful. And the deeper thing about 563 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,400 Speaker 2: fun in particular, and why it's so beneficial for a 564 00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 2: relationship and so indicative of whether someone is right for you, 565 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 2: is that it is protective. Fun is protective. It acts 566 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:24,080 Speaker 2: as a shield, an emotional shield, even in bad times. 567 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:27,240 Speaker 2: The average couple who is, let's say you're gonna be 568 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 2: together for twenty plus years, is going to go through 569 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 2: twenty plus really hard moments, death, grief, financial difficulties, job 570 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 2: and security, natural disasters, whatever it is, it's inevitable. Lingering 571 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,160 Speaker 2: on those moments is what makes life really heavy, not 572 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:49,000 Speaker 2: just the moments themselves. And the thing that fun and 573 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 2: play does is that it actually accentuates the positive things 574 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 2: in life, so that all the good stuff feels louder, 575 00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 2: and it feels grander, and it feels more important than 576 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,320 Speaker 2: negative things. And if you have a partner who can 577 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:04,480 Speaker 2: bring that out, well, obviously your outlook on life is 578 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 2: going to be better. Your relationship is gonna thrive under 579 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:10,919 Speaker 2: those conditions. There is this beautiful video that I saw 580 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:14,160 Speaker 2: recently from an Australian couple. They've been married for sixty 581 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:18,239 Speaker 2: seven years and they were being interviewed like on what's 582 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 2: the secret to their marriage, like everyone wants to know, 583 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,560 Speaker 2: And I kid you not. In this video like they 584 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:25,359 Speaker 2: are canodling, they are still totally in love, Like they 585 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:28,080 Speaker 2: are talking about how the other person is everything to them, 586 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 2: and the wife said, the most important thing is to 587 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,439 Speaker 2: have a sense of humor and if you don't have that, 588 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,800 Speaker 2: don't even bother getting married. And that just really stuck 589 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,680 Speaker 2: with me, Like life is meant to be fun. Love 590 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 2: is meant to be fun. If you're crying every day, 591 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:49,080 Speaker 2: if you can't laugh with them, if it feels heavy, 592 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,640 Speaker 2: that's gonna make your life heavy. So if someone is 593 00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,680 Speaker 2: right for you, they will bring joy, they will bring lightness, 594 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:58,520 Speaker 2: they will bring laughter. Probably one of the easiest ways 595 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 2: to say, is this person going to make my life better? 596 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 2: So we are at our final point for today's episode. 597 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,920 Speaker 2: The final sign that someone is the one and it 598 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,799 Speaker 2: is as about as simple as the sun coming up. 599 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:17,360 Speaker 2: The final sign is that you simply just admire them. 600 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:20,920 Speaker 2: You just really admire this person. I was speaking to 601 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 2: my friend the other day about her husband, and I 602 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:26,120 Speaker 2: was like, when did you know? When did you know 603 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 2: that you should marry him? She goes, I don't think 604 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,680 Speaker 2: I ever knew, But every single day I wake up 605 00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,640 Speaker 2: and I just think he is the coolest person I've 606 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:40,200 Speaker 2: ever met. And I was like, wow, that is such 607 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,960 Speaker 2: a great way to put it. I think, honestly, the 608 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:47,000 Speaker 2: best relationships I at least believe this are when both 609 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,399 Speaker 2: people think the other person is out of their leak. 610 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:52,719 Speaker 2: Both people think and the other person is better than 611 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:56,440 Speaker 2: the other person. It brings obviously mutual respect, but also 612 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,440 Speaker 2: like if you think the other person is like the 613 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:00,640 Speaker 2: coolest person in the world, to steal my friend's words 614 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:05,080 Speaker 2: or like just amazing, it's gonna constantly make you want 615 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:07,200 Speaker 2: to be better for them, and want to show up 616 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,840 Speaker 2: for them and want to keep winning them over throughout 617 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 2: the years. When we admire our partner as well, we 618 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,359 Speaker 2: also see them as someone that we want to learn 619 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:19,080 Speaker 2: from and we want to grow alongside. The psychologist Kyl Rogers, 620 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,839 Speaker 2: he calls this unconditional positive regard, valuing someone for who 621 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:24,840 Speaker 2: they are without trying to change them, and in a 622 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:30,000 Speaker 2: healthy relationship, this admiration becomes reciprocal. When both partners feel 623 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:33,840 Speaker 2: genuinely seen and respective for their strengths, it really makes 624 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:36,839 Speaker 2: both people feel worthy. It makes the partnership feel better. 625 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 2: Mutual admiration also fosters something we refer to as idealization, 626 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:46,680 Speaker 2: the tendency to see our partner in an idealized light, 627 00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:50,680 Speaker 2: not out of delusion, but as a motivational force. So 628 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:54,040 Speaker 2: we can't idealize them to the point where you know 629 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,160 Speaker 2: things about them that are actually terrible are invisible. We 630 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,600 Speaker 2: want to idealize the parts of them that are amazing 631 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:03,200 Speaker 2: in our minds become even more amazing. There was another 632 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:07,600 Speaker 2: recent piece of research that found that partners who idealized 633 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,520 Speaker 2: each other to a moderate degree, so seeing their partner 634 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,800 Speaker 2: is slightly better than they saw themselves, they did actually 635 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:18,600 Speaker 2: report greater relationship satisfaction over time. So this kind of 636 00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:22,920 Speaker 2: positive illusion. It's not naive, it's not silly. It's actually 637 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:28,600 Speaker 2: a buffer. It's a buffer for the relationship against you know, disappointments, 638 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:33,080 Speaker 2: against hard times, because we're consistently brought back to this 639 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:36,880 Speaker 2: idea of their goodness and this idea of their potential. 640 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 2: And it also creates a really good feedback loop. You know, 641 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:42,120 Speaker 2: if they believe that I'm great, I want to live 642 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,759 Speaker 2: up to it, and so I will, and then you 643 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,440 Speaker 2: think they're even more great, and you know, you see 644 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,799 Speaker 2: where this is going. It's a positive upward spiral. So 645 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:54,200 Speaker 2: with all that in mind, with all those amazing signs 646 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,200 Speaker 2: that someone is the right kind of one for you, 647 00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,280 Speaker 2: I want to give you a final list of seven 648 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 2: questions to ask ask yourself when you find yourself facing 649 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:06,120 Speaker 2: this anxiety inducing question. I know this question comes up 650 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:09,680 Speaker 2: a lot for people who have relationship anxiety and relationship OCD, 651 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:11,920 Speaker 2: and we've done a whole episode on that. I'm not 652 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,440 Speaker 2: going to get into it, but sometimes you can logically 653 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:18,000 Speaker 2: know that someone is absolutely perfect for you and amazing 654 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 2: and still feel this sense of doubt. And it doesn't 655 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:24,440 Speaker 2: mean that you're a bad partner, and it doesn't mean 656 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,560 Speaker 2: that you should break up with them, There's so much 657 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,759 Speaker 2: other complex stuff going on underneath. I also think if 658 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:33,440 Speaker 2: you're a bit of a perfectionist, you're really scared of 659 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:37,000 Speaker 2: the idea of settling, or of something in your life 660 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:40,600 Speaker 2: not being perfect in the moment and perfect in the future, 661 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:42,960 Speaker 2: and that can cause you to look at your relationship 662 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,000 Speaker 2: with a lens of such intense scrutiny that of course 663 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,120 Speaker 2: you're going to find something bad with it. So in 664 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:51,120 Speaker 2: those moments, ask yourself these seven questions, and I think 665 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,600 Speaker 2: it will give you some clarity. Firstly, when you imagine 666 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,319 Speaker 2: a life without them, do you feel relieved or do 667 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,640 Speaker 2: you feel a sense of loss? Does a future with 668 00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:06,480 Speaker 2: them feel exciting or does it feel daunting? Do they 669 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,840 Speaker 2: challenge me in a way that makes me want to 670 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 2: get better? Do they reciprocate my energy, my love, my effort. 671 00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:18,120 Speaker 2: Do I admire who they are, not just what they 672 00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:22,239 Speaker 2: do for me? Does our relationship feel light or does 673 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,839 Speaker 2: it feel heavy? Would I trust this person to make 674 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:30,640 Speaker 2: good decisions about my life on my behalf? Those are 675 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,080 Speaker 2: our seven questions. I feel like it's a nice little 676 00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:36,440 Speaker 2: checklist to come back to if you needed it. But 677 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,000 Speaker 2: as for today's episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I 678 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,600 Speaker 2: hope that it's given you some clarity on whether you 679 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,479 Speaker 2: are with the one, whether you are with the right 680 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:47,359 Speaker 2: kind of one, if you don't necessarily believe in soulmates, 681 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 2: and some of the just beautiful, fascinating science behind what 682 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:57,279 Speaker 2: makes love last, from couples who've been together for decades, 683 00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,279 Speaker 2: to the indicators that we can see from like the 684 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,920 Speaker 2: first few months of a relationship that will tell you 685 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,680 Speaker 2: is this good? Is this bad? Will this love grow? 686 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:06,640 Speaker 1: Will it fade? 687 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:08,920 Speaker 2: So I hope you have learned a lot. I certainly have. 688 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,400 Speaker 2: I've been talking about this episode in my kind of 689 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,600 Speaker 2: I guess findings all week to my friends, especially like 690 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,880 Speaker 2: my friends who are just started dating people, and like 691 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,880 Speaker 2: does he do this or does she do that? So 692 00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:22,040 Speaker 2: hopefully you can bring this knowledge into your own life 693 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,319 Speaker 2: and scrutinize your own friends with that in mind, make 694 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,120 Speaker 2: sure you send them this episode if you think that 695 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:28,759 Speaker 2: they would get a kick out of it or you 696 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,560 Speaker 2: think they would enjoy it. Make sure you are following 697 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:35,360 Speaker 2: along on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening, and 698 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:38,239 Speaker 2: give us a five star review. It really helps the 699 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:41,880 Speaker 2: show to grow and to evolve. And if you have 700 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,600 Speaker 2: made it this far, well, this is the secret club 701 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:47,359 Speaker 2: that we have at the end of the episode where 702 00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:49,440 Speaker 2: if you make it to the end, you get an emochi, 703 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:52,200 Speaker 2: so you can leave it in the comments below. I 704 00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:54,400 Speaker 2: think how emoji would just be a heart. Choose whatever 705 00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:59,160 Speaker 2: color you want, whatever whatever color is best representing your 706 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,600 Speaker 2: love life at the moment. It color of heart. I 707 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,759 Speaker 2: think that's like, let's do a little check in on 708 00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,759 Speaker 2: how everyone's feeling about love at the moment. But again, 709 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:09,520 Speaker 2: thank you for listening. Make sure you're following us on Instagram. 710 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,840 Speaker 2: I always forget what to say at the end of 711 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,839 Speaker 2: the episodes, but yes, make sure you're following us on 712 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:16,719 Speaker 2: Instagram at that Psychology podcast so you can know what 713 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,640 Speaker 2: episodes are coming out next. Join the conversation even further, 714 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,399 Speaker 2: send episodes suggestions my way, and we will be back 715 00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,800 Speaker 2: next week. Stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. 716 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:28,719 Speaker 2: We will talk very very soon.