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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session three ninety five of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girl podcasts. We'll get right into our

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Speaker 1: conversation after a word from our sponsors.

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Speaker 2: Hi. My name is Yolo Achille Robinson, and I am

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Speaker 2: excited to be on Therapy for Black Girls, the podcast

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Speaker 2: with doctor Joy Harden Bradford, talking about community care, navigating conflict, discernment,

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Speaker 2: and much more.

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Speaker 1: We're so honored to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle

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Speaker 1: and Self Help Podcast category at the fifty six annual

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Speaker 1: NAACP Image Awards, but we cannot win without your support.

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Speaker 1: Please take a second to go to vote dot Naacpimage

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Speaker 1: Awards dot net and vote for Therapy for Black Girls.

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Speaker 1: Twenty twenty five is already proving to be a year

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Speaker 1: where community will be more important than ever, but many

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Speaker 1: may still be wondering how do I find those I

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Speaker 1: can trust and how do I maintain these relationships. Helping

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Speaker 1: us to answer these questions is writer, activists and founder

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Speaker 1: of Being the Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective Yolo Achilling.

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Speaker 1: For over twenty years, Yolo has led and designed mental

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Speaker 1: and emotional health workshops, experiences, support groups, and training. His

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Speaker 1: expertise includes facilitating anger management and anti violence groups with

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Speaker 1: black men and boys, HIV AIDS, case management, and peer counseling,

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Speaker 1: training community members on CDC behavioral health interventions such as

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Speaker 1: personalized cognitive counseling, teaching mental health literacy to black communities,

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Speaker 1: leading yoga and embodiment experiences, and healing justice centered organizing.

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Speaker 1: During our conversation, we unpack some of the many ways

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Speaker 1: that we can approach mental health practices and principles as

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Speaker 1: community members to better show up for one another and

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Speaker 1: curate the sort of support systems that we need for

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Speaker 1: ourselves if something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation.

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Speaker 1: Please share with us on social media using the hashtag

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Speaker 1: TBG in session or us over in the Sister Circle.

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Speaker 1: To talk more about the episode, you can join us

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Speaker 1: at community dot Therapy for Black Girls dot com. Here's

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Speaker 1: our conversation. Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Yolo.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having me, Joyce. Always an honor to

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Speaker 2: be in your presence and just be a part of

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Speaker 2: your work. I have a lot of respect and admiration

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Speaker 2: for you and what you do with Therapy for Black Girls.

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Speaker 1: Likewise, Likewise, I'm very glad we get to chat today. So, Yolo,

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Speaker 1: we have done a lot of work together, but I

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Speaker 1: don't think I've ever actually heard you tell the founding

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Speaker 1: story of BEAM and how you got started in this work.

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Speaker 1: So can you tell me about your work with BEAM

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Speaker 1: and how it got started?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely So. I guess the context of it is

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Speaker 2: that I went to undergrad Black studies and Women's studies

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Speaker 2: and that led me on a route of engaging psychology

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Speaker 2: and healing that for about ten to fifteen years I

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Speaker 2: was doing work in three different films, HIV and AIDS

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Speaker 2: work really supporting the mental health and wellness of a

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Speaker 2: lot of black, queer and trans folks who are living

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Speaker 2: with HIV, are navigating HIV, and then also actually working

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Speaker 2: in community violence work. I spent a great deal of

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Speaker 2: my career working with men who had been either court

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Speaker 2: mandated or church mandated to go through a behavioral and

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Speaker 2: learning process around anger and violence right. So that was

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Speaker 2: a big part of my work. Through that work, I

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Speaker 2: saw gaps. I saw gaps around healing, I saw gaps

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Speaker 2: around mental health. I saw how our communities, many of

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Speaker 2: the first responders, particularly in the rural South. I was

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Speaker 2: outside of Atlanta and then in Atlanta at one point,

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Speaker 2: the people who were responding they weren't always therapist and

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Speaker 2: social workers. They were have big mamas and the teachers

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Speaker 2: and the coaches and the pastors, and didn't always have

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Speaker 2: great skills for it right, didn't always have tools. And

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Speaker 2: so after years of witnessing that, I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I want to create this thing that takes an approach

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Speaker 2: that not only helps resource people like therapists and social workers,

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Speaker 2: but also the other folks who are doing the other

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Speaker 2: kind of immediate crisis care support. And I didn't see

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Speaker 2: people really holding space with those folks to get better

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Speaker 2: tools to do that. Not for them to become therapists, right,

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Speaker 2: but for them to have better skills of listening, of affirming,

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Speaker 2: of knowing their limitations and their boundaries. Because in addition

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Speaker 2: to them offering crisis care a lot people who were

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Speaker 2: not trained, sometimes they were also making choices that maybe

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Speaker 2: weren't the best choices that help the people. Right. So

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Speaker 2: that kind of led me to want to build an

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Speaker 2: institution they could respond to that they can really center

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Speaker 2: healing and care for our folks in a way that

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Speaker 2: I think that black people will respond to or hope. So,

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Speaker 2: so that's the long version of how I got to

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Speaker 2: the moment of creating being.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and so tell me more about the work that

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Speaker 1: you all have been doing since the founding Lord, the

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Speaker 1: work in highlights. I mean, we could be here for

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Speaker 1: every talking about all the stuff that y'all do.

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Speaker 2: I always tell people that Beam builds ecosystems of care.

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Speaker 2: And if you think about an ecosystem, it is everything

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Speaker 2: from the water, it is in the air, it is

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Speaker 2: in the ground, it's in the land, everything, right, And

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Speaker 2: so we really fund, train and resource a network or

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Speaker 2: constellation of black healing, justice, wellness, and mental health efforts

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Speaker 2: across the United States. I'm sorry to the United States,

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Speaker 2: but actually we are now in Canada and in South Africa,

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Speaker 2: so it's across the world. Excuse me, I'm getting used

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Speaker 2: to that. I ain't been that fancy. I'd just been

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Speaker 2: in the hoods, so I didn't know I could go

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Speaker 2: into thatglorhood. We do that in three different ways. One

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Speaker 2: is training. We have our training programs which are designed

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Speaker 2: for anybody wherever you are. It doesn't matter if you're

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Speaker 2: a teacher, you're a parent, you're an activist. Many therapists

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Speaker 2: and social workers come to our trainings to get tools, skills,

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Speaker 2: and resources from a healing justice lens to support your community.

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Speaker 2: And so we have a Black mental Health and Healing

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Speaker 2: Justice program. I call it a really kind of a

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Speaker 2: radical response to the limitations of mental health first aid.

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Speaker 2: I get in trouble for that. Sometimes mental health first

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Speaker 2: aid and my experience just didn't hold the history of

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Speaker 2: why black people had the concerns that had about mental health,

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Speaker 2: and we created a training program that actually gave that context.

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Speaker 2: This is why, right, this is the legacy of how

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Speaker 2: mental health has been used against black people. And here's

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Speaker 2: also legacy of healing that black people have done in

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Speaker 2: the context of that. Let's hold both of those and

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Speaker 2: get people really skills and tools we think about. Here's

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Speaker 2: what you can do through your daily choices that help

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Speaker 2: cultivate wellness in the world. Here are some tools for

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Speaker 2: crisis support, the centered dignity. Now, you have a role

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Speaker 2: in creating healing and wellness with the community. Your role

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Speaker 2: is important as an actor wherever you are in the community.

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Speaker 2: So we have trainings like that. Our Black Masculine and

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Speaker 2: Reimagined Program, which I always say is really bell Hook's inspired.

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Speaker 2: It's a program for Black men and masculine folks to

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Speaker 2: unlearned rigid masculinity and how that has contributed to their

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Speaker 2: mental health and the stress in our communities, right, which

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Speaker 2: is bell Hooks coded all day. So we have our

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Speaker 2: training programs which do that piece as well as our

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Speaker 2: healing circles will happen every month, which hopefully you'll be

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Speaker 2: doing one for us soon. And then we have our

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Speaker 2: grant programs which essentially fund and reset source or network

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Speaker 2: of institutions that are doing some dynamic dope work, but

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Speaker 2: the underresource right, So Black Worness Innovation Funds, selling homeless

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Speaker 2: Support Fund. Our Parents Support Fund gives economic cash directly

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Speaker 2: to parents who are struggling with mental health conditions. But

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Speaker 2: those funds are really saying that we need to sustain

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Speaker 2: these efforts. And most of our grantees are like small

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Speaker 2: organizations Mom and pops doing work around supporting survivors of

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Speaker 2: gun violence, right, mom and pops doing stuff in the

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Speaker 2: churches right in the Deep South, trying to hold mental

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Speaker 2: health space. Those are the folks who want to make

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Speaker 2: sure they have money to do their work. And so

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Speaker 2: those are the two big components of our work, the

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Speaker 2: training and the grand making.

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Speaker 1: So when we decided that we wanted to talk about community,

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Speaker 1: you were the first person I thought about, because I

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Speaker 1: think that you and the work that y'all do at

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Speaker 1: Being feel synonymous with community to me. Can you tell

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Speaker 1: me what you've learned about community through your work at Being?

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Speaker 2: Oh love waiting enough time? I don't like about community? Now, well,

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Speaker 2: I've learned a lot. The first thing I learned when

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Speaker 2: we first started doing trainings in different communities, and granted,

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Speaker 2: you know, Being does trainings all across the United States.

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Speaker 2: So I've done trainings in rural Florida, Alabama. We've done

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Speaker 2: trainings in New York, et cetera. And one of the

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Speaker 2: first things that kind of caught my attention with their

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Speaker 2: trainings was we would ask people in community, what does

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Speaker 2: the word mental health mean to you? And the responsible

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Speaker 2: would get quite often where people would say, when I

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Speaker 2: hear mental health, I think about my cousin who got

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Speaker 2: taken away when he had an episode and he's been

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Speaker 2: in the prison system ever since. Or they would say

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Speaker 2: I remember my sister who is now in the system

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Speaker 2: because they said she had X y Z XYZ. Right.

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Speaker 2: And so one of the things I started learning really

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Speaker 2: quickly about community, particularly when it comes to Black folks

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Speaker 2: in mental health, was that most Black people don't experience

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Speaker 2: the prison industrial complex as separate from the mental health

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Speaker 2: industrial complex. I think some of us have these really

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Speaker 2: beautiful experiences with therapists like yourself, but a lot of

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Speaker 2: our folks who are and under resource communities, that is

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Speaker 2: the first connection they have with it, and so that

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Speaker 2: fuels the ways in which they feel comfortable in community

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Speaker 2: to disclose about their mental health challenges. Right, because there's

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Speaker 2: an ever pressing fear of incarceration as a possibility of

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Speaker 2: demonization of I'm living with borderline personality. I'm living with bipolar,

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Speaker 2: I'm living with depression, whatever that reality may be for someone, right,

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Speaker 2: And so I realized that that was a big fear

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Speaker 2: that we had to acknowledge and hold in the space.

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Speaker 2: We couldn't fix it, but we could acknowledge and say, hey,

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Speaker 2: we want to acknowledge. Yes, there are systems that sometimes

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Speaker 2: use these things against us and are also our individual actors.

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Speaker 2: I call them the black healing justice underground railroad of therapists,

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Speaker 2: of psychiatrists, of practitioners who are also going to help

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Speaker 2: you get these systems and take care of you. How

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Speaker 2: do we find those people elevate them? So I've learned

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Speaker 2: a lot about that with community, and that's one piece

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Speaker 2: that's really clear to me is that people are afraid

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Speaker 2: and it's legitimate from real ways on which unfortunately some

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Speaker 2: of them are toxic. Elements of this dominant system have

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Speaker 2: impacted to people around mental health.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean such important work, right, Because to your point,

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that you highlighted how synonymous it is with

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Speaker 1: prison for a lot of people, because a lot of

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Speaker 1: times you are forced into the mental health system against

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Speaker 1: your will, right, Like not all people are signing up

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Speaker 1: to go to therapy. Sometimes it is because you've been

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Speaker 1: court mandated, like you mentioned, or there are other things

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Speaker 1: that have happened that you then have an interaction with

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Speaker 1: a mental health professional. I hear people talk about community

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Speaker 1: a lot now, and I think, especially as we're thinking

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Speaker 1: about a new Trump presidency, there will be I think

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Speaker 1: a need to lean more into community. So in the

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Speaker 1: context of that, like people creating their personal communities and

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Speaker 1: you know, communities in their neighborhood, what does that mean

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Speaker 1: to you, and like, how do we get started in

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Speaker 1: creating community.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. One of the tools we have in our Black

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Speaker 2: Mental health and hialent Justice program is called the Community

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Speaker 2: Care Map, and it's one of my favorite tools. And

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Speaker 2: we have two sides to it. One side is this

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Speaker 2: really opportunity for people to be like, let me feel

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Speaker 2: this out so people know what I need for my

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Speaker 2: own christ my own care, so that if something shifts

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Speaker 2: coming happens in the community, n't prepared right. And the

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Speaker 2: reason I want to talk about that is because we know,

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Speaker 2: in this particular moment, we need to be aware of

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Speaker 2: how to best support each other. And when I say

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Speaker 2: where about best support each other? The community care plan

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Speaker 2: is really splicific. It's like, tell me about your allergies,

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Speaker 2: tell me about medications you're on. Where's your doctors, what

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Speaker 2: are your children's allergies, what's your pets? In case something

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Speaker 2: happens that you need support and you cannot be able

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Speaker 2: to manage that for whatever reason, how do we show

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Speaker 2: up for you? Right? And so doing that and sharing

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Speaker 2: that in community builds a level of trust, right, the

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Speaker 2: people you got to discern who you're going to trust with, right,

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Speaker 2: you can share them everyone. But how are you building

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Speaker 2: community intentionally to say that? Like join me and you

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Speaker 2: say you're hypothetical men, you look close to each other.

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Speaker 2: Do you know if something goes down, how to best

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Speaker 2: support me? Do I know how to best support you?

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Speaker 2: How we're being thoughtful and intentional about our friendships and

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Speaker 2: our networks and saying, I need folks who actually know

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Speaker 2: what I'm going through, what's going on with me because

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Speaker 2: in this political moment, we don't know what will shift

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Speaker 2: and what will happen. Right, So I think that we

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Speaker 2: need to get really intentional and discern who those folks

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Speaker 2: are in our community, right and use those tools really thoughtfully.

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Speaker 2: So that's one piece differ me stands out, and I

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Speaker 2: think we've also got to engage our fear of community,

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Speaker 2: you know, our fear of being seen. I think that's

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Speaker 2: a big piece to it. I know you probably see

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Speaker 2: this also in the community cultivate, like you know, everybody,

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Speaker 2: I don't want nobody in my business. Everybody gotta be

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Speaker 2: in all your business. But sometimes in this culture of

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Speaker 2: instagram perfectionism, we're trying to always project this image that

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Speaker 2: it's not real. We're trying to like hide behind the image,

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Speaker 2: and that image becomes a prison where we cannot connect

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Speaker 2: authentically what people we care about. We're so afraid of

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Speaker 2: people seeing our blemishes and our flaws or the reality

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Speaker 2: is those things make us beautiful. But in order for

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Speaker 2: people to really care for us, we have to lean

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Speaker 2: into the fear of being cared for and the fear

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Speaker 2: of being seen, which a lot of us have. Right,

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Speaker 2: we got the nice pictures up, but who am I really?

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Speaker 2: I think those are big pieces I think.

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Speaker 1: About m Can you say more about that, because you're right,

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Speaker 1: I think that that will be a very very important

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Speaker 1: thing for people to hold on to, this idea that

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Speaker 1: I want community. But am I really ready or do

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Speaker 1: I feel comfortable actually being seen by other people. So

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Speaker 1: how do you get rid of some of that fear? Like,

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Speaker 1: what does it look like to even lean into that woo?

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Speaker 2: All right, some of it is coming up in our

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Speaker 2: trainings where we have a lot of work around conflict, right,

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Speaker 2: because this is the piece where we see a lot

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Speaker 2: of us struggling in our communities. I always say that

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Speaker 2: in my experience in our communities is that most of

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Speaker 2: us experience conflict as either a blow up or an abandonment. Right.

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Speaker 2: People often shy away from engaging the things that are uncomfortable,

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Speaker 2: the things from taking responsibility, from naming things that are

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Speaker 2: difficult to them. If we don't begin to cultivate more

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Speaker 2: skills and tools to relate to conflict differently, we can't

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Speaker 2: build intimacy and we can't build community. Right. But the

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Speaker 2: reality is, when somebody starts to see you, you're gonna

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Speaker 2: sometimes mess up. Somebody gonna push sugar in your grads.

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Speaker 2: It's gonna be a whole crisis. How are you going

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Speaker 2: to manage the conflict? Right? You need to have some

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Speaker 2: skills and tools and some thinking around why do I

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Speaker 2: show up in this way and conflict and what's the

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Speaker 2: opportunity for me to build different skills because one things

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Speaker 2: I see happening in our communities and people trying to

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Speaker 2: build community, And addition, the fear of being seen is

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Speaker 2: the fear of being quote unquote wrong or doing the

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Speaker 2: wrong thing right or being the wrong thing, and then

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Speaker 2: also the fear of somebody sees me. If there's a conflict,

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Speaker 2: I don't know how to manage it or I don't

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Speaker 2: want to manage it. So a part of what we

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Speaker 2: have to do is really begin to look at our

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Speaker 2: conflict history, so well, what do we learn from the

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Speaker 2: people who raised us, who around us, What do we

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Speaker 2: want to show up in when conflict shows up? How

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Speaker 2: do I learn to manage that in my body? And

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Speaker 2: how do I learn to speak my truth and not

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Speaker 2: make myself smaller when I'm in the midst of conflict,

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Speaker 2: but not denigrate other people as well. I think that

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Speaker 2: that's a big piece of community building that I see

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Speaker 2: social skills deteriorating around right, Like people just don't know

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Speaker 2: how to say I did not like that. And you know,

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Speaker 2: we do a lot of training in our programs around

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Speaker 2: like helping people understand when you're in conflict. A big

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Speaker 2: part of what we have to sometimes learn to do

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Speaker 2: is make a distinction between the person and the behavior,

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Speaker 2: the idea and the choice they did. Right, me, and

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Speaker 2: you are a confident might be like Yolo, it's not you,

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Speaker 2: it's a problem, but it's this behavior. You are welcome here.

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Speaker 2: This behavior is not. And I'm making that distinction right

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Speaker 2: and naming that explicitly the people so that like I

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Speaker 2: love you, I don't love this behavior. I don't love

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Speaker 2: these choices, and I don't like these ideas you are presenting.

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Speaker 2: And that creates a little bit greace because maybe I

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Speaker 2: can look at my behavior, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 2: I can put some salt in butter in a grace

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Speaker 2: next time, you know what I mean, I can do

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Speaker 2: a different behavior. But if you attack the core of me,

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Speaker 2: if Yola is a problem, if joys a problem, most

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Speaker 2: of us just go on to defense mode.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, more from our conversation after the break, But first,

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Speaker 1: a quick snippet of what's coming up next week on TVG.

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Speaker 3: And when we talk about health or what is healthy again?

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Speaker 3: Quote unquote, we want things to happen real quick. We

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Speaker 3: don't want to think about Oh, I've been struggling for

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Speaker 3: an image sort for a decade, but I expect my

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Speaker 3: weight to change in a week, or I want my

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Speaker 3: cravings to come back in a week, even though I

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Speaker 3: haven't been having true hunger and fullness cravings for years.

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Speaker 3: So that quick fast fix, I think is ideal to people,

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Speaker 3: even if it comes with some real side effects.

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Speaker 1: We're so honored to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle

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Speaker 1: and Self Help Podcast category at the fifty six annual

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Speaker 1: NAACP Image Awards, but we cannot win without your support.

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Speaker 1: Please take a second to go to vote dot Naacpimage

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Speaker 1: Awards dot net and vote for Therapy for Black Girls. So, Yola,

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Speaker 1: what you're talking about is very messy, I think, right,

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Speaker 1: like being able to hold space for each other's humanity

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Speaker 1: in that way, right, But I think it is important

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Speaker 1: if we are looking at building intentional community, right, which

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Speaker 1: I think is going to be critical. It has always

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Speaker 1: been critical, but I think especially in this moment in history,

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Speaker 1: like us leaning into one another in this way I

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Speaker 1: think will be really important. And so another piece of

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Speaker 1: this community conversation I think is like accountability, which it

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Speaker 1: feels like you are talking about a little bit like

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Speaker 1: this idea that if something happens in community. What is

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Speaker 1: the accountability like, what does that look like for a

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Speaker 1: community to hold the members of the community accountable to

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Speaker 1: one another.

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Speaker 2: And one thing I want to say about the mess,

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Speaker 2: and this I always tell people, there is a message

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Speaker 2: in your mess. Don't rush to clean it up, don't

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Speaker 2: rush to mopis Sometimes you got to look at that now,

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Speaker 2: what is that mess on the floor, Look at it,

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Speaker 2: figure out how it's stank. Yes, it's stank. You need

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Speaker 2: to smell it for a little bit. Look at it

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Speaker 2: and figure it out. Because we're so in a rush

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Speaker 2: to make sure nobody sees it that we don't actually

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Speaker 2: examine the texture of it, get clear where it came from,

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Speaker 2: who we inherited, from, where we learned to practice right.

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Speaker 2: So that's an important piece about mess management because it's

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Speaker 2: really not about not being messive. We all messy in

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Speaker 2: some ways, right. It's about mess management. How do you

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Speaker 2: know how to hold it right? So this piece about

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Speaker 2: accountability is really something I see happen a lot in

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Speaker 2: community and people are really in conversation about this. I

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Speaker 2: come from school of thought that really comes out of

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Speaker 2: the work of Miro and Kaba and many other transformative

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Speaker 2: justice practitioners. We talk about accountability as not something necessarily

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Speaker 2: I can do for someone else, but someone has to

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Speaker 2: hold themselves accountable. What I can do with someone else

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Speaker 2: is create the space for them to own and take

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Speaker 2: accountability for their actions. Now that's different from saying, here

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Speaker 2: are consequences of your actions, right, Like, we can create consequences,

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Speaker 2: but the accountability as an emotional experience is something that

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Speaker 2: you can only cultivate space for people to do, but

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Speaker 2: they may not be able to step into. I spent

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Speaker 2: a large part of my career working with many men

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Speaker 2: who had internalized deep patriarchy and sexism around their relationship

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Speaker 2: with women, and therefore did not always have the willingness

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Speaker 2: to take accountability for their choices and how they hurt people. Right.

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Speaker 2: And so even though we made their consequences, they never

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Speaker 2: took accountability because they didn't have the inner resources to

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Speaker 2: name and this own I did that I was wrong

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Speaker 2: for that, right, And so I think that we need

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Speaker 2: to recognize when we talk about this accountability conversation, there's

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Speaker 2: two dimensions that think are really important. One naming what

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Speaker 2: is happening, right, naming the behavior the things that are happening.

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Speaker 2: Understanding that sometimes when we're coming to people when you

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Speaker 2: name those things. They may not be prepared to take

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Speaker 2: responsibility for it. They might not have the inner psychological

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Speaker 2: emotional resources to take responsibility for We all know this.

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Speaker 2: We got a relative of our hunting that do a

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Speaker 2: certain thing. But because we see how her trauma her

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Speaker 2: stuff shows up, she can't take responsibility for says, you've

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Speaker 2: been putting raisins in the potato salad, and we know it,

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Speaker 2: but she can't take responsibility for it. Right, She's not

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Speaker 2: in the place to own it because of where she

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Speaker 2: is in her own psychological life. Right, But that doesn't

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Speaker 2: mean that we don't need to put some parameters up

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Speaker 2: to make sure the potato salad is safe in the future.

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Speaker 2: So that means the community we come around it and

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Speaker 2: be like, guess what, you ain't coming over this play.

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Speaker 2: You ain't coming over here and putting another play. You

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Speaker 2: don't cook in this kitchen this time. We can create

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Speaker 2: consequences if she continues the behavior, but we can't force

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Speaker 2: her to take responsibility if she is not psychologically prepared

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Speaker 2: and ready to do so. We can only put consequences

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Speaker 2: and name it loving and supportive. As much as we can.

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Speaker 2: That process not the survivors of it, but the people

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Speaker 2: who are outside of that process can be I think

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Speaker 2: they need to be people who are holding that space,

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Speaker 2: if that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmmmm. I want to go back to the community

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Speaker 1: Care map because I love that it is so concrete.

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Speaker 1: So you started telling us about some of the things.

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Speaker 1: Can you give us more details about what kinds of

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Speaker 1: questions we should be asking other people that we are

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Speaker 1: hoping to build intentional community with.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we need to be asking on our community care map,

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Speaker 2: and I'll make sure we get a tool hopfully prepare

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Speaker 2: with this. We need to be asking who are the

433
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,480
Speaker 2: therapists and the wellness practitioners we trust in our city,

434
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,160
Speaker 2: in our area when the crisis comes, who are you calling?

435
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 2: What are the emergency support services that you trust? Who

436
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,400
Speaker 2: are those folks? Right? I can tell you how many

437
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,760
Speaker 2: times people have come to me or told me stories

438
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,960
Speaker 2: about someone has a medical emergency or a mental health emergency.

439
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,000
Speaker 2: And then you find out things about your husband or

440
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 2: your partner, are your best friend that you didn't even know,

441
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:53,960
Speaker 2: And it's like if I had known these things, I

442
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,919
Speaker 2: probably would be a better prepared to support them in

443
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,680
Speaker 2: that moment. Right, So we need to like have those

444
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,000
Speaker 2: depth conversations. What are the in what you feel like

445
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 2: best resource and supported when you're in distress? What are

446
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,200
Speaker 2: the needs things that calm you? What are your strategies?

447
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,399
Speaker 2: How can I support your strategies? How can we be

448
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,480
Speaker 2: in collaboration around those strategies? Right? Because it's not about

449
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,120
Speaker 2: self care to me, it's about community care practices. If

450
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,520
Speaker 2: I know that taking a walk every day helps my

451
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,440
Speaker 2: mental health, I need to be calling joy and joy

452
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,320
Speaker 2: can you take a walk with me every day? Can

453
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:21,959
Speaker 2: we take each other in mind o the own medication,

454
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 2: our blood pressure medication, our mental health medication, like really

455
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,480
Speaker 2: making sure people are involved in supporting us and not

456
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,920
Speaker 2: isolating it's all on me to do with u's all

457
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,719
Speaker 2: on you. I think those are the things we need

458
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 2: to be asking questions about. How can we be in

459
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:38,359
Speaker 2: interconnectedness and interrelated in that way and not be so

460
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,000
Speaker 2: this is my family and I got to care this

461
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,120
Speaker 2: all on myself as opposed to well, hold on joy.

462
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,159
Speaker 2: You and your kids are also important to me too,

463
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 2: you and your husband. I how do I support y'all?

464
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,280
Speaker 2: How do we support each other? Which I think doesn't

465
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,960
Speaker 2: happen a lot in our culture as much as they can.

466
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,199
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you bring up a good point. I think

467
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,800
Speaker 1: a great saveway from my next question around. So many

468
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,399
Speaker 1: of us are socialized to be individualistic, right Like, we

469
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,400
Speaker 1: are in a marria, and so a lot of our

470
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 1: teaching and a lot of the ways that we're socialized

471
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,080
Speaker 1: is to take care of myself and my family, right like.

472
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,760
Speaker 1: And it's fine to have friends or whatever, but not

473
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,520
Speaker 1: in the way that you're talking about it, right, that

474
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,840
Speaker 1: we are responsible too and for one another. What's the

475
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,120
Speaker 1: balance there of being in a society that really stresses

476
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:21,440
Speaker 1: individualism and wanting to build very intentional communities.

477
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, the line, the line, the line, Well, the line

478
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 2: is different for different folks. Well, I think about families particularly,

479
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 2: and this is something that's come up a lot in

480
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,199
Speaker 2: the work recently. There's this number of families who are

481
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 2: like the husband and the wife, they have two kids,

482
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,040
Speaker 2: and they feel a lot of shame about asking support

483
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 2: from other parents or like other parents are going through

484
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 2: the same challenges. Well, and as opposed to being like,

485
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 2: I'm like, what would it mean for y'all to be like, hey,

486
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 2: let's trade weekends, right, y'all gonna get the kid? We

487
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 2: go you'll get your kids on this weekend, so y'all

488
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 2: get a break, and then we get the kids on

489
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,399
Speaker 2: the break, get on the weekend, and then what I

490
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,119
Speaker 2: see happiness bari aus to that is it. There's a

491
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,480
Speaker 2: lot of internalized, particularly for mothers, a lot of internalized

492
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 2: misogyny because the culture shame's mothers so much around. You

493
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,680
Speaker 2: should want to be the child, should be the center

494
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 2: of your world all the time, and you should never

495
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,080
Speaker 2: like what and then like you got a whole husband

496
00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 2: you try to navigate, or a whole partner you're trying

497
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 2: to navigate. We're thinking about how do we building intentional

498
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 2: practices that breaks space for us? So we're like, you

499
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:16,680
Speaker 2: know what, every other month, every month, I got the

500
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 2: kids this week, can you get a kiss? And then

501
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 2: you and your husband and your partner get a break? Right,

502
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,879
Speaker 2: that's a mental health support system, right, Like thinking about

503
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,240
Speaker 2: how do we build in practices together that help each

504
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 2: other but also interrogate those ideas of shame that say

505
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,680
Speaker 2: that we should be able to do it all ourselves,

506
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 2: which we know in a capitalist context, this world is

507
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,440
Speaker 2: making it harder and harder economically for us to do that.

508
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,639
Speaker 2: And there's so many practices we can do. Like I

509
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,680
Speaker 2: think about in Caribbean culture, they have the lotteries where

510
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 2: you like to be put money in a pot and

511
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,399
Speaker 2: then every month a different family against the pot. Those

512
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,640
Speaker 2: are the practices we need back again, right, we need

513
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 2: those kind of wellness practices again, those kind of money practices.

514
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 2: And so I think about leaning into having the real

515
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,919
Speaker 2: conversations about says, ain't got it. I'm struggling here. Okay,

516
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,919
Speaker 2: well here's what I can do. What can you do?

517
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,440
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I'm gonna drop a cancel

518
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,399
Speaker 2: role and surprise checking over on that day because I

519
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 2: can cook on that day. Maybe that's my jam. Maybe

520
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,680
Speaker 2: that's not your jam. Maybe your jam is you can

521
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,480
Speaker 2: do something else. You will support me. Let's start the

522
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,960
Speaker 2: barter system of care system to support each other.

523
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: The point you raise around capitalism, I think is very real,

524
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 1: right because I think what has happened is that I'm

525
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: thinking about like how I grew up, and I know

526
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: we both grew up in the South. I would be

527
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 1: at my grandmother's house, myself and all of my cousins, right,

528
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,919
Speaker 1: so there wasn't ever my parents were only responsible for me,

529
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: like the whole family was responsible for all of the kids.

530
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,200
Speaker 1: But I think what has happened is that people are

531
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:37,080
Speaker 1: working longer hours, people are traveling further to work, So

532
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 1: there has been this real breakdown and like the community

533
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 1: kind of taking care of one another. So what creative

534
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,679
Speaker 1: practices maybe can you offer for people who want to

535
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 1: maybe do some of this but because of long commuting

536
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 1: times and those kinds of things, feel really strained to

537
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,119
Speaker 1: be able to practice some of this.

538
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. One thing that I am practicing and

539
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 2: I'm encouraging communities I'm into practice is the language of

540
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,600
Speaker 2: I will make time for what resources me. Right, Sometimes

541
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 2: there's this language of time scarcity. Ain't got time and

542
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 2: got time? It's well hold on, I make time for

543
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,359
Speaker 2: the things I want to make time for. Am I

544
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 2: willing to commit and invest in making time for things

545
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 2: that support my long term sustainability of my wellness? Am

546
00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 2: I making time for it? I make time to go

547
00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:23,440
Speaker 2: to the Meganisign concert. I make time to like work

548
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 2: on tuesdays, like you know what? But like, are you

549
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,360
Speaker 2: making time to say? What are my regular ritual practices

550
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 2: and how am I drawing my community and intentionally for

551
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:34,320
Speaker 2: my long term wellness? Right? Am I making the hour

552
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,399
Speaker 2: that thirty minutes, that forty five minutes, and then we

553
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 2: got to switch our mind around that, right and understanding

554
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 2: it's an investment. So just when you invest in that

555
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 2: friendship and then that connection and then those collective support,

556
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 2: as you invest in it and you build it grows

557
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,920
Speaker 2: can grow, right, And so I think that's really one

558
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,119
Speaker 2: thing I want to invite people to think about and

559
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 2: also just honored that, like I understand the fear of

560
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,800
Speaker 2: letting people get too close to you that many of

561
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,760
Speaker 2: us have. Right, We're going to practice to as much

562
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 2: as we can. We're going to recognize that also sometimes

563
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,520
Speaker 2: a part of the journey is that people will disappoint you,

564
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 2: people will let you down. You will have to teach

565
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 2: people how to love you and care for you and

566
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 2: your family. They will have to learn how to practice.

567
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:16,440
Speaker 2: You have to ask that they are worthy of being

568
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 2: able to practice with you. Nobody's going to get it

569
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 2: right first time. And Buddhas and they have this idea

570
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,359
Speaker 2: of the good bodies south of the courageous warrior with

571
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 2: the heart. Right, we have to be courageous with our

572
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 2: heart to know that we put our heart forward. Sometimes

573
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,679
Speaker 2: it's going to get bruised and hurt. But how do

574
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 2: we still keep our heart open in the midst of

575
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 2: that holding and manny of the other person and draw

576
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,240
Speaker 2: those boundaries as we need to. But let them practice,

577
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:40,640
Speaker 2: right And I think that's the piece of the work

578
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 2: that I really want to invite us to do when

579
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,280
Speaker 2: we talk about building communities each other. We got to

580
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,120
Speaker 2: practice the honey, because aha'mn know you know what I mean. Joey,

581
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 2: you come over here and you putting sugar in migris.

582
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 2: I'm like, lord, joy now I'm just like I'm trying

583
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 2: to do it. No more. We're done, We've done it.

584
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 2: I don't tell her she did this and we ain't

585
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,359
Speaker 2: done it, and I ain't talking and she should know.

586
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,920
Speaker 2: She should. You know, wherever they're should they're shamed. Stop

587
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,560
Speaker 2: assuming what everybody else knows, and start talking to folks

588
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 2: and engaging folks and give them a chance to practice

589
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,959
Speaker 2: loving you and caring for you. And the more we practice,

590
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,600
Speaker 2: you'll see who will show up in the practice right right,

591
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 2: You'll see who's committed to the practice. Who some people

592
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 2: gon be. Mookie might not make it, you know, Niko

593
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 2: might make you know who go you and find out okay.

594
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,520
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. Something you just said yo, made me think

595
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 1: about this idea of like, Okay, I'm gonna cut you

596
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,600
Speaker 1: off now because you did this thing wrong. I think

597
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,199
Speaker 1: it started well intentioned, right, Like, I think there's so

598
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:31,479
Speaker 1: much conversation around boundaries and honoring ourselves and protecting our

599
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 1: piece that it is. Now it feels like it has

600
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 1: gone a little further than I think maybe we intended

601
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:40,000
Speaker 1: with the conversation around at the first sign of trouble

602
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: or conflict, as you mentioned, now we're saying like okay,

603
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in community with you anymore,

604
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: or I'm cutting you off now. What would you say

605
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 1: about some of the rush to kind of severtisee with

606
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: folks wo joy?

607
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 2: We have to acknowledge how deeply sensitive and how hurt

608
00:28:56,320 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 2: we all have been by times would your experience trail time?

609
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 2: So much experience hurt, and I think when we acknowledge

610
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 2: the fullness of that, because it's a lot of pretending

611
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 2: that we're not sensitive that goes on.

612
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:08,160
Speaker 3: You know.

613
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 2: I think about like sometimes hold the young people and

614
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 2: they'll be like, well, I don't care about nothing, And

615
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,440
Speaker 2: what I actually hear when you say I don't care

616
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:15,280
Speaker 2: about nothing is actually I care so much I actually

617
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 2: don't know how to hold it. Right, So I think

618
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 2: we got to acknowledge how deeply impacted we are by

619
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 2: things and also recognize that people will make mistakes when

620
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,080
Speaker 2: they are caring for us. Right, how do we name

621
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 2: those things? How do we not assume what they should know?

622
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 2: And how do we discern that this person is worth

623
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,320
Speaker 2: in the context and investment in our relationship? Right? It's

624
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 2: cutting people off things like this is perfectionist. It's just

625
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 2: like this inverted perfectionism. Right. You should know I'm cutting

626
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 2: them off because I ain't. It's like, well, hold on,

627
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 2: did they give you some feedback that you don't want

628
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 2: to hear that you are called with? Were they not

629
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,960
Speaker 2: able to meet your unsustainable standards of how a man

630
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 2: woman person should be. Did you actually come back to

631
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:59,360
Speaker 2: them and say, hey, this is what I experience. Okay,

632
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 2: experience this happening, and I want to know what you

633
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 2: experience and see you and see what we can get

634
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 2: some understanding as opposed to this happened. I made up

635
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 2: a story about it in my head, and I didn't

636
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,479
Speaker 2: engage you about the story. I just disappeared. So my

637
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,400
Speaker 2: trauma narrative is taking control. I got this whole story, like, well,

638
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 2: you know, Joy did this because jord Band had be

639
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 2: for me. Since Joy's like, I don't even know what

640
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 2: you're talking about, you know what I mean? You know,

641
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 2: made a whole story in your mind. Because we know

642
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,120
Speaker 2: we all have myths and fairy tales we tell ourselves

643
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 2: on time. Me and Michael B. Jordan's been dating for years.

644
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 2: He don't know that Joy, that's a story. That's a story,

645
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:34,479
Speaker 2: the story, right, and so we have to be mindful

646
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 2: of stories we tell ourselves. Our feelings are always valid,

647
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 2: but our stories sometimes are not fully round. They be

648
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,800
Speaker 2: missing pieces. And sometimes when we've been through so much,

649
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 2: we have this impulse to be like, just cut it

650
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 2: off because I don't want that thing to happen to

651
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 2: happen last time, right, But sometimes it's actually not that thing.

652
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 2: It just felt like that thing or activated that thing.

653
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,480
Speaker 2: But if we don't stay around a long enough to

654
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 2: figure out, we might miss on something really beautiful. This

655
00:30:58,280 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 2: happens a lot of the dating, like a lot of

656
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 2: so that's the work who work doing data, they're always like, well,

657
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 2: I just cut him off because he did this like

658
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 2: that da Dad. I'm like, well, hold on, did you

659
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 2: have a conversation with him about what he did? Did

660
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:08,600
Speaker 2: you talk to her about what she did? Well? No,

661
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 2: I ain't finna talk Okay, So how do you expect

662
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 2: to be an intimacy and relationship if you aren't having conversation,

663
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,000
Speaker 2: if you aren't confronting your fear around naming your truth.

664
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 1: So you mentioned the term discernment several times as we've

665
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 1: been talking, and I think we may take for granted

666
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: that people understand like what that is, and like, how

667
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: do I know that somebody is trustworthy versus not? But

668
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,040
Speaker 1: what tips and strategy maybe would you have for people around? Like,

669
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,800
Speaker 1: how do you actually practice discernment?

670
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 2: Lord? I've learned this through all the mens that have

671
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 2: dated hoidee discernment today. One thing I believe is behavior

672
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 2: tells the truth about what you really value. And I

673
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,560
Speaker 2: cannot say that enough. It's like, we can talk about

674
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,280
Speaker 2: what we value, but the behavior is going to show

675
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 2: me what you're value. Right. I can say all day

676
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 2: that I love recycling, I care about the earth. Ain't

677
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 2: no recyclment in my house? Girl? Well, how you where

678
00:31:57,760 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 2: the behavior? So we like, you know what I mean?

679
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 2: That's the behavior gonna tell the truth about what you value.

680
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 2: And so I think that what we need to do

681
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 2: is really like one spend time like listening and paying

682
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 2: attention to people's behavior and their context. I'm always curious

683
00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 2: about people I'm sharing space with, like how do they

684
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 2: talk about other people? They talk about people with compassion

685
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 2: and grace, other they talk about people with shame and judgment,

686
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,280
Speaker 2: because that'say, they gonna talk about me, right, because everybody

687
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,880
Speaker 2: processing somebody? How do they show up? What is their

688
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:28,080
Speaker 2: standard for integrity? Some people standard for integrity is more

689
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,840
Speaker 2: about let me hide and get sneaky until nobody can

690
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 2: find me out. Some people stand up of integrity is

691
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 2: this don't feel right? Let me name any come to you.

692
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 2: You're gonna learn by watching right and understand that intimacy

693
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 2: is a slow burn. Right. It's not a quick like

694
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 2: you know, like our coaches like we married tomorrow. It's like, okay,

695
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,480
Speaker 2: well you can do that, but it's gonna have consequences.

696
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 2: You're gonna circle back. Right, Intimacy can be a slow burn.

697
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 2: That it's like, let me watch you and see what

698
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 2: you say and what you do and then see how

699
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 2: they connect or don't connect and let me honor that like, hey,

700
00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,760
Speaker 2: you might be a beautiful person, but I see where

701
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 2: you are in your journey. Don't fit for what I

702
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 2: need in my journey, like you know, don't fit for

703
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,880
Speaker 2: what I need in terms of integrity, don't fit for

704
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 2: what I need in terms of how you talk about people,

705
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,640
Speaker 2: how you approach things. We have to watch and pay

706
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 2: attention and discern and trust that gut when our body

707
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:17,440
Speaker 2: is reacting right, got trusted like m Some don't feel

708
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 2: right about so and so, so and so. It might

709
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 2: be a lovely human being who also is navigating some

710
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,280
Speaker 2: real deep challenges with this trust because they learn to

711
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,520
Speaker 2: lie to protect themselves, and so now they're lying about

712
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:29,680
Speaker 2: a lot of things. It doesn't mean they're not human

713
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 2: and beautiful and powerful. It means, like where they are

714
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 2: in their journey might not be able to support you

715
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 2: where you are in yours. So a boundary needs to

716
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 2: be drawn. That's the club friend. Now you don't be

717
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 2: telling them your business. You go turn up, have a cocktail,

718
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 2: all right, But well, I see you later. Sometimes we get confused.

719
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,000
Speaker 2: We try to make people global friends where they actually

720
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,680
Speaker 2: fit a certain arena of our life, right, and I

721
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 2: think that's really an important piece of right discernment. Pay

722
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 2: attention to your body, how your body reacts, how your

723
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 2: spirit feels around them, what feelings they evote, what they do,

724
00:33:57,560 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 2: what they say, and make a boundary with them off

725
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:02,600
Speaker 2: of that in terms of what they've shown you they

726
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,840
Speaker 2: can hold and you know, you have that conversation with

727
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 2: them if you need to. Some people don't know it,

728
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,720
Speaker 2: and I'm seeing themselves, so you have to be mindful

729
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 2: of that too.

730
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:12,239
Speaker 1: So there is I think a deep yearning for being

731
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: in community kind of like we've been talking about today.

732
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 1: But I think a lot of people get stuck with

733
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,279
Speaker 1: like where do I even find these people to be

734
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,880
Speaker 1: in community with? Am I just starting in my apartment

735
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 1: building in my neighborhood? Like where would you suggest people

736
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 1: start to kind of begin to build intentional community?

737
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it can be different for different people.

738
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:32,239
Speaker 2: It can build them around interests. Like you know, we

739
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,480
Speaker 2: have our healing circles that happen in a monthly in

740
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 2: Los Angeles in Atlanta, and a lot of people come

741
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 2: there looking for community. Becuse of looking for people who

742
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 2: are also saying I'm on a healing journey. I want

743
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 2: to find like minds. Right, So if that's your jam,

744
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,440
Speaker 2: find those folks. If you want to learn how to

745
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 2: play the piano, then go to a piano group of

746
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 2: people who do play in a piano and cultivated relationships

747
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 2: with those folks. Right, there's a lot of thing about

748
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 2: shared interests and shared values. Find the spaces where those

749
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,920
Speaker 2: people will be reflected. I think it's really important if

750
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 2: you're deeply into sisterhood, right, finding a spaces about sisterhood

751
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,200
Speaker 2: and like exploring that as a concept. Right, take some

752
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,360
Speaker 2: time understand what are your values and things that you

753
00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,879
Speaker 2: like to do, and then finding people who also share

754
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 2: some of those things is a great place to start.

755
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: I think more from our conversation after the break and

756
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,400
Speaker 1: how do we get started with some of those maybe

757
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,440
Speaker 1: more intimate conversations that you suggested, Right, what has my

758
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 1: history taught me about conflict? Like when in like a

759
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,719
Speaker 1: friendship or a community building experience, do we introduce these

760
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:35,759
Speaker 1: kinds of conversations?

761
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 2: Woo? I don't know who. It's different for different folks, right,

762
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 2: different different folks, but you know, I mean, like I

763
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:44,279
Speaker 2: am that person, and I'm sure what the exs they

764
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 2: be Like, I'm like, so tell me about how you

765
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 2: manage conflict, I know, how you like, you know, like

766
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,120
Speaker 2: they'd be like, oh lord, Y'll come in there and

767
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 2: it's like, you know, look I'm getting old. I got

768
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 2: time job. But anyway, but I think that's another discerning

769
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 2: question too, about when it's the appropriate time to have

770
00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:02,520
Speaker 2: that conversation. Sometimes the actual situations will provide the opportunity

771
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:04,440
Speaker 2: to learn how somebody shows up in conflict and give

772
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 2: you the practice of figuring it out. Because when people

773
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:08,360
Speaker 2: intellectual say like I'm gonna tell them like it is,

774
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:09,799
Speaker 2: and then it comes to a thing telling them like

775
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:12,880
Speaker 2: it is right, So sometimes it's actually in the moment.

776
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,360
Speaker 2: How do I show up in the moment when the

777
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 2: thing is happening to name this is happening and seeing

778
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:19,759
Speaker 2: how people respond to react that is a piece. But

779
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,600
Speaker 2: I think that like when it comes to conversations with

780
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 2: family and community, and I've had these conversations, this is

781
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,560
Speaker 2: the intervention I get to people. I tell people when

782
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,760
Speaker 2: you want to have different conversations, particularly in black communities,

783
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 2: I'm like, if you have meal that you like to

784
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 2: prepare together, if you have a place you like to

785
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:34,839
Speaker 2: go get some off, y'all go to Popey's and get

786
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 2: y'all buscus. That's y'all cham. I want to invite you

787
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,319
Speaker 2: to center food and nourishment and then open up a

788
00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 2: conversation and see what comes there. And people are always

789
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 2: like WHOA. It really works because I was able to say, like, hey,

790
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:46,360
Speaker 2: I want to talk about this thing because the food

791
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 2: can be a source of nourishment and support. But it's

792
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 2: also a ritual we have. I think it's in our

793
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 2: genes around coming around food for conversations that because people

794
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:56,840
Speaker 2: are ease a little bit more then they might be

795
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:00,400
Speaker 2: in other situations, right, And so I think being thoughtful

796
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,400
Speaker 2: about that. But also I think the other piece too,

797
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:05,160
Speaker 2: joy this is what I do. You have to be

798
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:08,480
Speaker 2: clear when you're going into a situation where you're trying

799
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:12,840
Speaker 2: to disclose something that's uncomfortable with someone that I'm sharing

800
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 2: this for me with the understand that I have no

801
00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 2: control over how they may react or respond to this, right, Like,

802
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,359
Speaker 2: I just need to let you know this so I

803
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 2: can do this for me. So it's helping me build

804
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:25,040
Speaker 2: the muscle to own my boundaries, protect my peace. You

805
00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:26,799
Speaker 2: may not agree with it, you may not see it

806
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 2: like that way. I might have to say, hey, mom,

807
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 2: when you did this, it was really hurtful for me,

808
00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:33,120
Speaker 2: and I need you to understand that's how I experience you,

809
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 2: and it's okay if you didn't experience it like that.

810
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,120
Speaker 2: It's okay if that's not your truth. This is where

811
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 2: it was for me and that just need you to

812
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,960
Speaker 2: know that. And I love you no less, but that

813
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 2: behavior that hurt me. You got to center yourself in

814
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:48,319
Speaker 2: that right and understand that you can't control how they

815
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 2: will react or respond. That you might not have this

816
00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 2: fairy tale ending, but it's more about taking care of

817
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 2: yourself in that moment that that's what you need. So

818
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 2: those are some things that just think about in the

819
00:37:57,520 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 2: condext goes conversations.

820
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,680
Speaker 1: So it feels like a lot of community building and

821
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: even maybe some of the things that you have suggested,

822
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,520
Speaker 1: they feel very extrovert coded, right, Are people who like

823
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,480
Speaker 1: naturally put themselves out there are okay with that? What

824
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 1: about the introverts among us? Are people who maybe have

825
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,319
Speaker 1: had some betrayals in the past and maybe feel a

826
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,839
Speaker 1: little slower to warm up. What kinds of things can

827
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,760
Speaker 1: they do to really get engaged in building community?

828
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 2: Yes, come all together, Georgia, it's like it's extravert coded. Howey,

829
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 2: we ain't all go doing this right, right? And I

830
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:31,240
Speaker 2: think that, like one thing I want to be important

831
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,160
Speaker 2: to say is that assertiveness is not always a communication

832
00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:36,880
Speaker 2: style that we need to be using in conflict. Sometimes

833
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 2: passiveness is needed, sometimes passive, aggressive is needed, Sometimes aggressive

834
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:42,279
Speaker 2: as needed. People always think everybody should be a certain

835
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,839
Speaker 2: noitionhouln't because MC outside industry's honey, right, we need all

836
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 2: the complications. There are situations where the passive is a strategy.

837
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,560
Speaker 2: For example, like we just talked together. Example of like

838
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:54,720
Speaker 2: having that direct conversation. Lots of people in our family,

839
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:56,800
Speaker 2: I'm not finna go have that conversation because that person's

840
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 2: gonna act as a fool. So what often to passively do

841
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:01,800
Speaker 2: is you know, you ain't invited to the family cookout

842
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:03,640
Speaker 2: no more. And that is the communication that's going to

843
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 2: be very clear to you that a boundary has been

844
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,000
Speaker 2: crossed and now you have a choice about how you

845
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 2: want to do it right. It doesn't always have to

846
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,800
Speaker 2: be direct, right, you know what I mean? All of

847
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,680
Speaker 2: a sudden you be like, well you wasn't invited when

848
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 2: there's the potatoes this time?

849
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:15,879
Speaker 3: Right?

850
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 2: Sometimes it really is okay for us to draw boundaries

851
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,279
Speaker 2: when we're like we don't respond in the same way

852
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,279
Speaker 2: or we don't respond as much. Right, I think that

853
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:27,720
Speaker 2: like those kinds of styles of boundaries are disrespected sometimes

854
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 2: and sometimes are necessary in the context, particularly when it's

855
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 2: not a safety concern, right, you know what I mean?

856
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,919
Speaker 2: So just want to hold confident. Management isn't always about

857
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 2: a serv and sometimes it is about drawing boundaries that

858
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,919
Speaker 2: are actual disbehavioral boundaries that are just like I don't

859
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:41,800
Speaker 2: pick up the phone when this person calls immediately. I

860
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,359
Speaker 2: might call them back two hours later. Those are real

861
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 2: clear communication that don't have to be so confrontational in

862
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 2: the same way that might be introverse might not be

863
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 2: as comfortable with. And I think they're legit.

864
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: So you've referenced, you know, like again the hurt that

865
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 1: many people have experienced as a part of community. How

866
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: do you know when it's time to maybe leave a community?

867
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,160
Speaker 1: Because I think that that is real, right, Like, sometimes

868
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 1: you have had the difficult conversations, you've given grades, you've

869
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 1: done all the things, and then you realize, you know what,

870
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 1: this may not be the relationship for me, or may

871
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: not be the community. So what are some kind of

872
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,160
Speaker 1: signs or questions people can ask and like, how do

873
00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:18,360
Speaker 1: you know maybe when it's time to leave a community.

874
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:20,920
Speaker 2: I'm always gonna start with listening to your body. What

875
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,400
Speaker 2: is your body telling you when you're around them? Do

876
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:26,360
Speaker 2: your shoulders tighten up? Do your chest get tight? After

877
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 2: you've given opportunities for restoration and practice? Have they leaned

878
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 2: in or how they pull back? What is your gut

879
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:33,360
Speaker 2: telling you?

880
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:33,480
Speaker 3: Know?

881
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,480
Speaker 2: I always ask people when it comes to certain situations,

882
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,680
Speaker 2: I'm like, when you think about this scenario, do you

883
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 2: feel tight or do you feel released? Like or when

884
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:41,839
Speaker 2: I think about not calling them and talking to them,

885
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,479
Speaker 2: I just feel like I'm like, Okay, that's your body

886
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 2: letting you know something has happened. Is like, when I

887
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,480
Speaker 2: think about going in there and having another conversation with them,

888
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,160
Speaker 2: I started swearing. I started stressing, Okay, your body's telling

889
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,880
Speaker 2: you something. What is that in the context of what's happening?

890
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,239
Speaker 2: Because there are times in which you just need to

891
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 2: remove yourself from situations want to shown you that they

892
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 2: don't have the skills, the capacity, the inner resources to

893
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 2: show up for you the way you have asked them

894
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:10,319
Speaker 2: to honor that they just don't have it. Sometimes we

895
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 2: don't have it right and then draw your boundary accordingly.

896
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 2: But like getting out of that fairy tale thinking well

897
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 2: maybe they will and they just mean and justify the

898
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 2: baby as supposed to. Like, this is what this person

899
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:22,000
Speaker 2: has shown me who they are. My angel has said

900
00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 2: it to Oprah and it's one of the best courses ever.

901
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:24,960
Speaker 2: Its like when people show you who they are the

902
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 2: first time, I will add this, I will have this

903
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 2: in if I can, my angel worshipe. So I would say,

904
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 2: when people show you who they are, inquire, check, double check,

905
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,799
Speaker 2: and once you double check, honor that is who they are.

906
00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 2: Let you don't mean this. Sometimes it's sometimes we think

907
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,560
Speaker 2: we're seeing something that's actually what we're seeing through our

908
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,799
Speaker 2: own lens, which is a little foggy and filter through

909
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 2: our trauma, and we think we see it clearly, but

910
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 2: we're not. So just double check and then once you

911
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 2: get the fog off your lens, you'd be like, girl,

912
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 2: that's what that was. Praise cod.

913
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 1: So there's been less of conversations I think also around

914
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:01,840
Speaker 1: I think there is one layer of community that is

915
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:05,239
Speaker 1: these more intimate friendships and our you know, sisters, brotherhoods.

916
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 1: And then there is I think, like just community care,

917
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,040
Speaker 1: thinking about like your neighbors and like what does that

918
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,360
Speaker 1: look like. So people have talked about like getting to

919
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:14,640
Speaker 1: know your neighbor's names, and I think that there are

920
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 1: lots of reasons why in your community you would want

921
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,600
Speaker 1: to kind of know who your neighbors are, just in

922
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 1: terms of can we pick up each other's packages, or

923
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,360
Speaker 1: like can people drops up off here for you? What

924
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 1: other may be small ways can people get started with

925
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 1: kind of building community in their local areas.

926
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great question. I think that it's supposed

927
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:34,840
Speaker 2: back to what you just said, like we all have

928
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 2: those friends that have different roles in our lives and

929
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:39,799
Speaker 2: different community members who have roles in our lives, right,

930
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,359
Speaker 2: And so I think that like sometimes we think every

931
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,680
Speaker 2: friend we meet, ridiculous adults gotta be my best friend,

932
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:47,080
Speaker 2: gotta be really deeply tired, got the same spiritual values,

933
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,319
Speaker 2: and they're like, oh no, no, no, new, new, new new.

934
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,280
Speaker 2: I'm like very clear, going back to example ease earlier,

935
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 2: I know that's my club friend. We go to club,

936
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 2: we turned up. I know that's my friend I can

937
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 2: trust to watch my kids, but I can't trust that

938
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,279
Speaker 2: friend to watch my kids, to hold space for me

939
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,440
Speaker 2: emotionally because they ain't got it. I can't trust that

940
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 2: club friend to call the middle of night to help

941
00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 2: me fix a flat tire because they ain't That girl

942
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,719
Speaker 2: that's not who she is meeting people and understand they

943
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:11,880
Speaker 2: might not be that global thing for you. There's different

944
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 2: parts of your life and your journey they hold. Right,

945
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 2: My gym buddy who I work a at the gym with, right,

946
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,920
Speaker 2: not the same person that I call to when I'm

947
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:20,640
Speaker 2: in trauma and distress in the middle of the night. Right,

948
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,920
Speaker 2: those are different people. And so I think they're like

949
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:25,120
Speaker 2: beginning to want to talk to people, but also to

950
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:28,280
Speaker 2: examine these high expectations of friendship that we put on people.

951
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 2: Like we're in this cultural moment where everybody's the expectations

952
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 2: of friends and romantic relationships are that's really high. Like

953
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,359
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, the rents high and soul

954
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 2: the expectations, right, you know what I mean? And like,

955
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 2: you know, you gotta like realistically ground around what can

956
00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:43,759
Speaker 2: people do, Like you know what you can do because

957
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:45,480
Speaker 2: you can't be all that in them people you be

958
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 2: like I'm gonna be your gym buddy, we're gonna say whatever.

959
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,600
Speaker 2: We're gonna live somewhere. I'm gonna holler at you tomorrow. Right,

960
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:54,080
Speaker 2: you know, So think examining our expectations. Are they so high?

961
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:58,040
Speaker 2: Are they human centered? Are they perfectionism coded? Which is

962
00:43:58,080 --> 00:44:00,799
Speaker 2: a lot of our stuff is it's like android coded.

963
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,719
Speaker 2: I call it's like everybody got to be getting it

964
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,359
Speaker 2: right and know none of us are like that.

965
00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:07,800
Speaker 1: So you've offered I think lots of great insights around

966
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:11,520
Speaker 1: what makes building community or being in community difficult. So

967
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 1: you talked about a fear of being seen, difficulty or

968
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:19,600
Speaker 1: discomfort with conflict, difficulty with time management, maybe other other

969
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: things that have come up in your work and your

970
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:24,239
Speaker 1: experience that you feel like make it difficult or act

971
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:26,239
Speaker 1: as a barrier to building community.

972
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:28,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I would be remiss if having an

973
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:31,360
Speaker 2: opportunity to be on therapy for black girls. Who's a

974
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:35,400
Speaker 2: pioneering institution environ mental health. But also like naming that, like,

975
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 2: you know, we got to talk about masculinity, you know

976
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 2: what I mean? We got to talk about gender, right.

977
00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:43,359
Speaker 2: I think about so many black women I know they

978
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 2: are their husband's only friend, emotional confidant, and they are

979
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:51,319
Speaker 2: holding all of that, right, think about masculinity as a

980
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,560
Speaker 2: barrier because so many men and not just men, but

981
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 2: many women and people are taught them only hold with

982
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:58,200
Speaker 2: this one person, and I hold them to hold all

983
00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 2: of my emotional labor right, And I feel that's one

984
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:03,400
Speaker 2: big barrier that I see happening the create community. I'll

985
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:05,920
Speaker 2: talk to some couples and I'm like, so does your

986
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:07,640
Speaker 2: husband have friends? Oh, I don't got no friends. I

987
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 2: just talked to her about things. That's why. Well me

988
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 2: and my boys, you know, So did you talk to

989
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,680
Speaker 2: your boy about when it's happened at work? And I

990
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:16,480
Speaker 2: will talk about that. Why, Well, I don't need to

991
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 2: be talking about him with that. I'm just talking to

992
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 2: my wife about that. Well, like, why is she the

993
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,680
Speaker 2: only person that's holding that. So there's a level of

994
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:25,319
Speaker 2: fear that gender and all these different places come into

995
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:27,880
Speaker 2: place of what does it mean to engage that and

996
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 2: share more with the men in your life or the

997
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,480
Speaker 2: people other people in your life who might be friends.

998
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:33,400
Speaker 2: So we gotta look at gender as a barrier and

999
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:36,799
Speaker 2: encourage more men and masculine people to venture out into

1000
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 2: the world emotionally with your colleagues and your friends and

1001
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 2: take that labor off of so many Black women or

1002
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 2: holding that's solo and I have unrealistic expectations of holding that. Right,

1003
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:47,200
Speaker 2: that's one piece of it too. You want to think

1004
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:48,880
Speaker 2: about it with men, it goes to engage in what

1005
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 2: I call the father wound, right, because father or dad

1006
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,640
Speaker 2: was never an emotional nurturer. So I never learned how

1007
00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 2: to nurture and emotional spaces with men. Right. I never

1008
00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:58,400
Speaker 2: learned how to do that, and I don't do that.

1009
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 2: I don't try to do it because it's too much

1010
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:02,680
Speaker 2: of a wound. But we got to start opening that

1011
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 2: up with gentleness and softness, engaging it because men are

1012
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:08,960
Speaker 2: really lonely. And what's happening is that men are putting

1013
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 2: out that emotional labor and blame and unrealised expectations on

1014
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:15,880
Speaker 2: women because of their loneliness and their despair emotionally. It's like, bro,

1015
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 2: you need to get in community of masculine people are

1016
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:20,919
Speaker 2: men and figure this out and stop making black women

1017
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,879
Speaker 2: have to do all this for you because you can't

1018
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 2: own anything for yourself.

1019
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 1: Now, this feels like a whole separate conversation. You're a lowe,

1020
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,960
Speaker 1: But do you think that that has to happen in

1021
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: a community, maybe first with other men in masculine presenting folks,

1022
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 1: or is that like a mixed gender conversation.

1023
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 2: You know what's interesting. We have a program called Black

1024
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,920
Speaker 2: masculinar Rey Imagined, and it's only for Black men and

1025
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:47,120
Speaker 2: masculine folks, people who identify and kind of move into

1026
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 2: the world seene it's masculine. I am a big believer

1027
00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 2: that black men and masculin folks may be doing that work,

1028
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:55,960
Speaker 2: sometimes separate and sometimes in mixed gender spaces, because what

1029
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 2: I see happen if black women get into the space,

1030
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:00,839
Speaker 2: black women start doing the labor for the men instinctively.

1031
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,759
Speaker 2: It's just really quick, like all of a sudden, Oh well,

1032
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:04,319
Speaker 2: let me help you. No, no, let him figure it out.

1033
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 2: Let him figure it out. He got it, you know

1034
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:09,719
Speaker 2: what I mean. Because there's also there's a dynamic there

1035
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:11,600
Speaker 2: right like you know what I mean. So I do

1036
00:47:11,719 --> 00:47:14,080
Speaker 2: believe that we need spaces with more Black men and

1037
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:18,040
Speaker 2: masculine folks who are thinking, thoughtful about emotionally supporting each other,

1038
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,880
Speaker 2: on learning patriarchy, and also believing black women from holding

1039
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:24,319
Speaker 2: all the emotional labor they hold in our communities, whether

1040
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,759
Speaker 2: it's the emotional labor raising the children, like there's a

1041
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:29,319
Speaker 2: different dynamic there, like who's going to all process with

1042
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:31,400
Speaker 2: your daughter and your son? Oh well she got it? No,

1043
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:33,239
Speaker 2: no hold up? Take you behind and their dude, like

1044
00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:34,759
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Like you know what I mean?

1045
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,719
Speaker 2: Or like you know, just all those pieces that men

1046
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:39,920
Speaker 2: in masking folks who don't engage that fear. And I

1047
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:42,920
Speaker 2: think when they engage that fear of being betrayed or

1048
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,839
Speaker 2: hurt by other men emotionally, it's going to free up

1049
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:47,719
Speaker 2: and create so much space for black women to not

1050
00:47:47,719 --> 00:47:49,880
Speaker 2: have to hold that. And black women also have to

1051
00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 2: learn how to step back from that too, because so

1052
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:53,839
Speaker 2: many black women have been doing it for so long

1053
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 2: tint times. I literally been in workshops where sisters will

1054
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 2: be like, oh, I want to help them know, let

1055
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:01,160
Speaker 2: them figure it out, step up to the plate because

1056
00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:04,280
Speaker 2: you on it. And also using that care to avoid

1057
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 2: the fact that Sis, you need support because you've been

1058
00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:10,120
Speaker 2: so busy being a caretaker. What's your care? So many

1059
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,200
Speaker 2: Black women who need care who are hiding behind being

1060
00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:15,719
Speaker 2: the super caregivers. I'm like, Sis, but who took care

1061
00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 2: of you emotionally? Who's holding that space for you? And

1062
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 2: I don't need nothing. And I was like, and I

1063
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:23,279
Speaker 2: don't believe that. I refuse to believe that you don't

1064
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:26,600
Speaker 2: have needs. I'm not going to engage in that misogynist

1065
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 2: live that black women don't have needs, that big Mama

1066
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:30,840
Speaker 2: is okay, she don't need nothing. I don't believe that.

1067
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 2: And so we got to start saying that as black men,

1068
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,320
Speaker 2: the people of all genders start saying that, actually, I

1069
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:37,120
Speaker 2: don't believe that she don't got no needs, and I'm

1070
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:38,759
Speaker 2: nothing to buy it to that. We're finna go over there,

1071
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 2: Let's see what's up right. You need something right, And

1072
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 2: so I think that there's all those layers that we

1073
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:48,080
Speaker 2: have to engage too for our communities to really find

1074
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:50,359
Speaker 2: more healing, support and more equilibrium.

1075
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:53,919
Speaker 1: So you've offered already a beautiful affirmation. I will make

1076
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 1: time for the things that will resource me. And I'm

1077
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,719
Speaker 1: gonna write that one on my wall. Are there other

1078
00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:01,719
Speaker 1: affirmations that you think would be helpful for people who

1079
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,239
Speaker 1: are seeking or in the process of building community?

1080
00:49:04,640 --> 00:49:06,799
Speaker 2: That one of my time is huge, right. I think

1081
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:09,200
Speaker 2: the other piece one that I've been saying to people

1082
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 2: lately that has really been interesting. People have resonated with

1083
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:14,200
Speaker 2: it is that who am I to believe that I

1084
00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:16,359
Speaker 2: am not worthy of the care and love I give

1085
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:19,399
Speaker 2: to others, you know? Or why do I think I'm

1086
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,399
Speaker 2: not worthy of the same care and love I give

1087
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 2: to others a lot of caretakers. I was just in

1088
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:26,120
Speaker 2: Montreal working with some caretakers and I had them do

1089
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:29,160
Speaker 2: any affirmation, and the affirmation was, my care is not

1090
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:31,879
Speaker 2: an afterthought. They have to repeat after it. My care

1091
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:35,080
Speaker 2: is not an afterthought. My healing does not come last.

1092
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:38,399
Speaker 2: I will not disrespect my ancestors by demeaning the care

1093
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,400
Speaker 2: work that I give to the world. Right and so

1094
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:44,560
Speaker 2: like those are call and repeat affirmations because I think

1095
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 2: that we have to speak to ourselves that truth that

1096
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:49,600
Speaker 2: your care is not an afterthought, you don't come last.

1097
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:52,840
Speaker 2: That's not acceptable, and that it's disrespectful to the sacred

1098
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:54,879
Speaker 2: work we do, particularly talking about healers and wellness folks,

1099
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:57,719
Speaker 2: or any kind of nurturing care, family work. It's just

1100
00:49:57,800 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 2: suspectful to think that that work is not worthy of care,

1101
00:50:00,719 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 2: that your body and your spirit is not worthy of care.

1102
00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:05,200
Speaker 2: So I want to invite people to think about that,

1103
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:09,600
Speaker 2: to think about how arrogant it is to assume that

1104
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 2: you are above needing care. That's roan, that's so arrogance,

1105
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:17,480
Speaker 2: Like you above it? Really you above it? Who are you?

1106
00:50:17,480 --> 00:50:21,480
Speaker 2: You are above that humanity? You're not a human? What

1107
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 2: does that mean? And so just encouraging folks who are

1108
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 2: listening to think about that. We all need care, we

1109
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:30,000
Speaker 2: all need community. Community is messy, life is messy. If

1110
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:32,640
Speaker 2: we lean into the mess and find our flow, we

1111
00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:34,520
Speaker 2: can manage it and smooth through it if we find

1112
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:37,040
Speaker 2: our folks. But if we try to make the mess

1113
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:40,319
Speaker 2: all by ourselves, it's lonely, it's sad, it's hard out

1114
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:42,920
Speaker 2: of here. So we need each other. So and just

1115
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 2: remembering that we all have the power to heal. We

1116
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:50,799
Speaker 2: all have the power to learn new skills, learn new behaviors,

1117
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:53,680
Speaker 2: unlearned things. Just because your mom and your day to

1118
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:55,759
Speaker 2: dayd don't mean that's the right way to do it. Now.

1119
00:50:56,239 --> 00:50:59,680
Speaker 2: Everything that is gentle and loving as a practice behaviorally

1120
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:01,840
Speaker 2: go to do with whiteness. I hate people say its

1121
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,520
Speaker 2: all time, not so white. I'm like, just so we'll

1122
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:07,560
Speaker 2: have a reminder. White people culturally have destroyed most of

1123
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:11,320
Speaker 2: the planets, Okay, I have literally there is nothing soft

1124
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:17,680
Speaker 2: about white violence, capitalism, structurally like land missiles, like there's nothing.

1125
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 2: I don't know why y'all make that equification when we

1126
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:21,759
Speaker 2: say we want to do care for our folks, like,

1127
00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:23,600
Speaker 2: oh I feel so white. I was like, does it?

1128
00:51:24,160 --> 00:51:27,600
Speaker 2: Because that's not this says a different story, you know.

1129
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:30,040
Speaker 2: I want to get honest about it. So just really

1130
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:32,280
Speaker 2: understanding practicing softness.

1131
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 1: And care of these Thank you so much for that, yoo,

1132
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:38,280
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. So where can people stay connected

1133
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,760
Speaker 1: with you? And I believe can we download the community

1134
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: care map from the beam website.

1135
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:46,120
Speaker 2: You sure can. So if you go Beam dot community

1136
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:48,839
Speaker 2: across the front tap you see wellness tools and there

1137
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:53,319
Speaker 2: are a lot of downloadable tools, toolkits, framing for how

1138
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:55,520
Speaker 2: you can have conversations, framing for how to engaged a

1139
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 2: wellness our therapist practitioner, a lot of the stuff you

1140
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 2: can find there. Can also follow us at underscore beam

1141
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:04,480
Speaker 2: org on Instagram. We do a lot on Instagram, but

1142
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:08,160
Speaker 2: our website is ww dot bem dot community, so it's

1143
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 2: a dot community, not a dot com, and that's intentional

1144
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:13,160
Speaker 2: because we want to build community. And you can follow

1145
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 2: me at Yoloachille dot com. I'm pretty sure I'm one

1146
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:17,960
Speaker 2: person with that funny name, So y'all gonna find me

1147
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:22,120
Speaker 2: while eloakil beautiful.

1148
00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:23,840
Speaker 1: We'll be sure to include all of that in the

1149
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,799
Speaker 1: show notes. Thank you so much for spending some time

1150
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: with me today, Yolo.

1151
00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:29,160
Speaker 2: Thank you Jorce so much for all you do and

1152
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:33,040
Speaker 2: for just what you're created from all of us.

1153
00:52:34,239 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 1: I'm so glad Yola was able to join me for

1154
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,520
Speaker 1: this conversation. To learn more about their work with Beam,

1155
00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:42,400
Speaker 1: be sure to visit Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash

1156
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:45,360
Speaker 1: session three ninety five, and don't forget to text this

1157
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,480
Speaker 1: episode to two of your girls right now and tell

1158
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:49,719
Speaker 1: them to check it out. If you're looking for a

1159
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:53,160
Speaker 1: therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at Therapy

1160
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:56,399
Speaker 1: for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And if you want

1161
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:59,000
Speaker 1: to continue digging into this topic or just being community

1162
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:01,440
Speaker 1: with other sisters, come on over and join us in

1163
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:04,440
Speaker 1: the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of the Internet

1164
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:07,120
Speaker 1: designed just for black women. You can join us at

1165
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 1: community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. This episode was

1166
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 1: produced by Elise Ellis and Tyree Rush. Editing was done

1167
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:17,600
Speaker 1: by Dennison Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me

1168
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:20,719
Speaker 1: again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation

1169
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:23,359
Speaker 1: with you all real soon. Take good care,