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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a

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Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

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Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

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Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session ninety of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I mentioned last week

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Speaker 1: that we'd be spending some time here on the podcast

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Speaker 1: diving into the larger conversations that got started by the

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Speaker 1: Surviving R. Kelly docuseries. Since we last chatted, I've made

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Speaker 1: a YouTube video about ways you can take care of

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Speaker 1: yourself if you found yourself triggered by either the docuseries

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Speaker 1: or the conversation surrounding it. And I also appeared on

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Speaker 1: the NPR news show One A to discuss how black

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Speaker 1: women have been impacted by the docuseries and some of

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Speaker 1: the factors that have allowed this type of behavior to

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Speaker 1: continue in our community. What is it about hearing these

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Speaker 1: stories that is the most affecting. I think the level

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Speaker 1: of details that were shared impacted people, But I also

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Speaker 1: think I have seen a lot of conversation from women

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Speaker 1: thinking back about relationships they may have had with older

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Speaker 1: men when they were younger, and not necessarily recognizing that

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Speaker 1: as maybe an abusive situation then, but now being able

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Speaker 1: to reflect back in thinking that really was not a

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Speaker 1: good situation. So I think it has caused people to

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Speaker 1: rethink some relationships they've had in their lives in a

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Speaker 1: different spectrum. I'll be sure to link both of these

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Speaker 1: in the show notes so that you can check them

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Speaker 1: out if you're interested. And today we want to address

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Speaker 1: another piece of this conversation, and that is helping parents

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Speaker 1: to be more aware of what they should know about

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Speaker 1: how perpetrators of child sexual abuse continue to victimize children.

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Speaker 1: For this conversation, I was joined by Spirit, who you

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Speaker 1: might remember from our episode on shedding the Superwoman's status.

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Speaker 1: Spirit is the owner and clinical director of the Atlanta

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Speaker 1: based mental health group practice T T S Enterprises. Spirits

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Speaker 1: professional distinctions include Board certified, National Certified, counselor, Licensed professional counselor,

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Speaker 1: Certified forensic Mental health evaluator, Certified parenting Coordinator, ordained marriage Officiate,

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Speaker 1: and child sexual Abuse Prevention facilitator. Spirit has been a

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Speaker 1: recognizable face in the mental health and wellness space since

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Speaker 1: two thousand and three, with multiple appearances online, national television,

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Speaker 1: syndicated radio, in print, including Ebony Magazine, Dr Phil and

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Speaker 1: The Steve Harvey Show. In this conversation, Spirit and I

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Speaker 1: chatted about some of the tactics used by perpetrators to

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Speaker 1: prey on children, what we mean when we talk about

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Speaker 1: the grooming process, how we can talk with our kids

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Speaker 1: about boundaries and consent related to their bodies, and the

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Speaker 1: best ways to respond to your child if they share

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Speaker 1: that they've been violated again. We're hoping to continue this

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Speaker 1: incredibly important conversation and would love to hear your thoughts

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Speaker 1: about the episode, so please share them with us on

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Speaker 1: social media as you're listening, using the hashtag tb G

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Speaker 1: in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: coming back to join us, Spirit. I'm very excited to

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Speaker 1: have you for this conversation. You know, you and I

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Speaker 1: and much of the country at least Black America and

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Speaker 1: specific bent much of the last weekend watching the Surviving R.

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Speaker 1: Kelly series, And so I know that you have tons

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Speaker 1: of experience with so many things, but in particular being

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Speaker 1: a child sexual abuse prevention facilitator for the last several years.

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Speaker 1: So I want to start just kind of hearing what

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Speaker 1: were some of the most glaring takeaways you had after

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Speaker 1: watching the series. Oh my goodness, I don't even know

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Speaker 1: where to start with that, right, I mean, it was

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Speaker 1: so overwhelming, But I guess for me, especially in doing

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Speaker 1: this kind of work, the most important thing that I

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Speaker 1: wanted people to realize is one that sexual abuse is

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Speaker 1: a very real thing, that it not only affects the

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Speaker 1: individual who was being abused, but also the entire family,

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Speaker 1: That it doesn't just last in that instance, but over

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Speaker 1: a person's lifetime. And most importantly, what I really want

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Speaker 1: people to take away from this that they probably didn't

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Speaker 1: take away from it in watching the docuseries is that

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Speaker 1: this is not just the boogeyman down the hall or

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Speaker 1: down the street. This is in your home, This is

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Speaker 1: in your church, this is in your child school. They

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Speaker 1: are people that you know, and I think that that

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Speaker 1: is what's most important because in the same way that

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Speaker 1: we're watching this series and going, oh, my gosh, I

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Speaker 1: can't believe this has happened. I've heard an equal number

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Speaker 1: of people go, well, where were those parents? Well, seeing

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Speaker 1: would never happen in my house, because there's no way

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Speaker 1: that a stranger or a celebrity would come in and

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Speaker 1: be a predator to my child. But what they really

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Speaker 1: need to know is that most children know who their

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Speaker 1: abusers are, and they are people that they loved right right. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I did see a lot of you know, like, well,

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Speaker 1: it couldn't be me, and I would do such and such.

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Speaker 1: And of course we all like to like think about

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Speaker 1: what we would do in a situation, but often missed

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Speaker 1: like what happened in reality and some of the things

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Speaker 1: we may be missing in our own lives and our

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Speaker 1: own children's lives that may be kind of giving way

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Speaker 1: to some of this. Yeah, and you know, and the

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Speaker 1: other part of that, really too, is the number of

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Speaker 1: people that were triggered in watching this, you know. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know as a clinician if you're having that

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Speaker 1: same experience, but all last week, I mean, after each

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Speaker 1: night of the docuseries, I had not just women, but

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Speaker 1: men coming to me too, going, oh my gosh, I

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Speaker 1: don't know why I'm so upset. This has reminded me

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Speaker 1: of what happened to me when I was a kid,

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Speaker 1: and I don't understand why I'm connecting with it, or

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Speaker 1: this happened to a cousin or to a family member.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why this is upsetting me, or just

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Speaker 1: even the takeaway of why isn't everybody talking about this

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Speaker 1: with the same amount of passion? What does that mean

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Speaker 1: that only a certain group of people are talking about this?

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Speaker 1: Does this mean that women don't matter? Does this mean

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Speaker 1: that black women don't matter? Does this mean that black

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Speaker 1: girls or brown girls don't matter? What do we do

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Speaker 1: with this? In the aftermath of all of this that

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Speaker 1: we've watched, right, And that's why I'm glad you were

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Speaker 1: able to join us, because I do think you know,

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Speaker 1: a lot of people were left feeling very heavy. Um.

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Speaker 1: I haven't necessarily had an individual clients impacted, but in

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Speaker 1: the Facebook community that I moderate, there has been a

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Speaker 1: lot of conversation about it, and like you said, a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have been left triggered and just feeling

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Speaker 1: kind of hopeless and where do we go and what

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Speaker 1: do we do with all of this energy that it

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Speaker 1: feels like it's now out there. So I'm hoping that

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Speaker 1: this can be a part of it, right and having

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Speaker 1: some conversations about how we can recognize some of these

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Speaker 1: things and you know, move to help keep our kids

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Speaker 1: safe for sure. So something that you touched on a

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Speaker 1: little bit earlier, Spirit was that you know, when sexual

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Speaker 1: abuse happens to us, how it not only impacts that child,

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Speaker 1: but the family and the community and lots of different ways.

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Speaker 1: And some of the conversation that I saw around the

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Speaker 1: docuseries was related to our Kelly himself maybe having a

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Speaker 1: history of being sexually abused and how that maybe has

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Speaker 1: impacted the decisions that have come out later. Um. And

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Speaker 1: so I feel a little weird about that because I know, um,

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Speaker 1: the research doesn't necessarily support that people who are abused

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Speaker 1: become abuses themselves, though I know there can be some connection.

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Speaker 1: Can you talk a little bit about that. Actually, you

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Speaker 1: would be surprised to know how often that does happen.

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Speaker 1: And so when we talk about the psycho sexual histories

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Speaker 1: of predators, there often is some abuse there in the past.

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Speaker 1: But I also think that it's important that we talk

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Speaker 1: about that from UH as we go forward, because individuals

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Speaker 1: who have dealt with sexual molestation as children are more

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Speaker 1: likely to have histories as they get older that involve

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Speaker 1: domestic violence, that involves sex trafficking, that involves sex work.

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Speaker 1: Because they are objectified and exploited at such a young age,

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Speaker 1: how they see themselves, their value, their own bodies not

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Speaker 1: belonging to them, that has lifelong impacts. Right, And so

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Speaker 1: when we look at somebody like R. Kelly who says,

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Speaker 1: from the age of seven to thirteen he alleges that

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Speaker 1: he was molested, that creates a very distorted idea about sex,

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Speaker 1: about sexuality, about my personal power and control and my

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Speaker 1: need to reclaim that power and control. It can become

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Speaker 1: very distorted. And so in the mind of a victim,

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Speaker 1: who they then go on to become as a perpetrator,

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Speaker 1: can be sometimes even worse. And it is I see

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Speaker 1: it many times in therapy. It does not necessarily look

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Speaker 1: like a perpetrator like R. Kelly. But what I will

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Speaker 1: see is individuals who say, I was molested as a child,

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Speaker 1: and I can't even bring myself to admit or deal

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Speaker 1: with the fact that I went on to touch other children,

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Speaker 1: that I sexually experimented with a cousin or with a sibling,

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Speaker 1: or that I, as a babysitter touched other children. It

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Speaker 1: is far more common than we talk about, and far

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Speaker 1: more common than we realize. Joy. Okay, So getting back

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Speaker 1: to the point that you made about, um, you know

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Speaker 1: people talking about, Oh, it couldn't be me, this couldn't

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Speaker 1: be in my house. What are some of the things

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Speaker 1: that maybe we saw in the docuseries, But broadening out right,

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Speaker 1: because that's just a starting place for the conversation. We're

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Speaker 1: really wanting to talk about what's going on in our

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Speaker 1: own homes and our own communities. What are some of

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Speaker 1: the kind of signs and things that we're going on

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Speaker 1: that we do need to be paying attention to in

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Speaker 1: our own houses. Okay. So one of the things that

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Speaker 1: people missed, or that it was kind of hinted on

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Speaker 1: but never really talked about, was the profile of who

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Speaker 1: do I choose when I'm going to abuse somebody? Right?

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Speaker 1: And so you looked at these women and especially as children,

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Speaker 1: and I know that this doesn't sound too pleasant. It

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Speaker 1: actually sounds almost as though it's an insult, but it's

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Speaker 1: really not. What we hear is that individuals who are

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Speaker 1: often picked out who are growned to be molested. They

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Speaker 1: are individuals who may not necessarily completely understand what's going on,

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Speaker 1: either because they lack the maturity or the exposure to

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Speaker 1: understand that they're being abused or that they're being singled out.

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Speaker 1: We're looking at individuals who sometimes whose families don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: have resources in terms of financial resources, or legal resources,

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Speaker 1: or even social support to seek help. And so what

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Speaker 1: happens is an individual in order for him to molest,

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Speaker 1: or in order for her to molest an individual, she

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Speaker 1: has to have the exposure. So what we're looking at

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Speaker 1: is somebody who has access to a potential victim. And

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Speaker 1: that means that I have to be a family member,

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Speaker 1: I have to be a neighbor, I have to be

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Speaker 1: a teacher or a minister, someone who has access to

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Speaker 1: the thing that I am trying to molest. And you

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Speaker 1: mentioned the word grooming, and we heard that a lot

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Speaker 1: in the Donci series. Can you say more about what

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Speaker 1: that is. Grooming means that I have to not only

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Speaker 1: prepare you as my victim to become comfortable with what

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Speaker 1: it is that I'm going to do, but I have

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Speaker 1: to groom the entire family I to groom everyone around me,

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Speaker 1: and so grooming is a very intentional behavior that basically says,

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Speaker 1: I am working hard to get you to like me

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Speaker 1: and to trust me, so that I would seem as

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Speaker 1: though I'm above reproach. You would never expect that I

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Speaker 1: would do a thing like that, and in actuality, you

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Speaker 1: come to trust me more than you trust anybody else.

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Speaker 1: So perhaps I'm the person who just seems like I'm

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Speaker 1: just so good with kids. I adore children with the victim,

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Speaker 1: I may spend a lot of time with the victim,

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Speaker 1: taking care of them, feeding them, buying them gifts, spending

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Speaker 1: quality time with them. I may become their most trusted

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Speaker 1: adult or older youth ally, and so because of that,

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Speaker 1: nobody ever suspects that I would be the individual that

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Speaker 1: is actually taken advantage of this child. And as it

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Speaker 1: relates to adults, I have to groom you to make

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Speaker 1: you believe that something like that wouldn't even be possible.

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Speaker 1: So if anybody, even the victim themselves, were to come

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Speaker 1: to you and say this is what Uncle Ralph did

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Speaker 1: to me, or this is what the babysitter is doing

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Speaker 1: to me, you wouldn't believe it because you would be

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Speaker 1: in such denial because of the relationship that I, as

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Speaker 1: the predator, have built with you that you could just

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Speaker 1: not fathom that something like that would be true. Surely

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Speaker 1: the child must be mistaken. Surely they must be making

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Speaker 1: something up. Surely they must have imagined it, or they

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Speaker 1: misunderstood what I was doing. And I will actually be

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Speaker 1: able to manipulate you most of the time to believe

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Speaker 1: me and not the victim, because you really don't want

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Speaker 1: to admit to yourself that you could have a predator

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Speaker 1: standing in front of you. Mm mmmmmm yeah. And I

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Speaker 1: think what was glaring for me and watching the docuseries

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Speaker 1: is how much and how often people would describe him

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Speaker 1: as charming, right, And how often do we hear that

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Speaker 1: in our office is when somebody has been assaulted, that

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Speaker 1: they describe the predator as charming and right, the part

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Speaker 1: of the whole grooming process, right, so that you are

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Speaker 1: going is down and they come across very captivating, very charming,

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Speaker 1: so that they do kind of get you to believe them, right.

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Speaker 1: And so when we talk about that, I mean, and

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Speaker 1: if you really want to think about it in terms

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Speaker 1: of statistics, right, what we know is that children who

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Speaker 1: are sexually abused know their abuser of them are usually

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Speaker 1: abused by family members. Roughly six are abused by people

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Speaker 1: that the family trusts. So again we're talking about school folks,

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Speaker 1: church folks, sports folks, um, they are in positions of

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Speaker 1: trust within the family. Then another forty percent are abused

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Speaker 1: by older or larger youth like babysitters or cousins or

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Speaker 1: the next door neighbor. And so when you think about

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Speaker 1: those numbers, that means that only ten are abused by strangers.

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Speaker 1: And that is usually the group that we spend most

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Speaker 1: of the time telling our children to avoid. The don't

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Speaker 1: talk to strangers, don't get in the car with a stranger,

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Speaker 1: don't go somewhere with someone that you don't know. But

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Speaker 1: we never talk about what to do when that predator

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Speaker 1: is someone that they do know. So how can we

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Speaker 1: be more visionless? Fear like if these are people that

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Speaker 1: will likely be around our children, Like, what kinds of

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Speaker 1: things do we need to be paying attention to, um

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Speaker 1: to to trying to avoid some of this? Okay, So

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Speaker 1: first and foremost, what we want people to recognize is

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Speaker 1: that more than eighty percent, eighty percent of sexual abuse

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Speaker 1: incidents happen when children are isolated in one on one situations.

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Speaker 1: So what does that mean. That means never ever ever

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Speaker 1: allow your child or your children to be alone. So

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Speaker 1: that means that we need to be choosing group situations

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Speaker 1: where there are multiple not just one, but multiple adults

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Speaker 1: supervising children. So if that's in a daycare setting and

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Speaker 1: you know that early in the morning or late in

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Speaker 1: the afternoon there is a multiple children in a play

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Speaker 1: and there are multiple staff members, then that is great.

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Speaker 1: But if you're dropping your child off or you're picking

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Speaker 1: your child up and your child is the only one

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Speaker 1: there and there's only one provider there, that may not

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Speaker 1: necessarily be the safest environment. If you have one on

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Speaker 1: one music lessons and you can't see your child during

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Speaker 1: those lessons, then that may not necessarily be the greatest environment.

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Speaker 1: We call these places hot spots, right. Hot spots are

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Speaker 1: places that are hidden areas in physical environments where children

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Speaker 1: have the potential to be isolated in one on one

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Speaker 1: situations with older children or adults, and we want to

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Speaker 1: avoid those circumstances. So, for example, Joy, even in my office,

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Speaker 1: my office is made almost entirely of glass, and when

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Speaker 1: we are working with children in our office. Although we

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Speaker 1: want to maintain the visual or the the audio privacy

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Speaker 1: for children, we don't want people to overhear the conversations.

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Speaker 1: We make sure that children can always be seen at

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Speaker 1: all times with other adults present. We want to make

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Speaker 1: sure that children don't go into bathrooms by themselves, or

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Speaker 1: in bathrooms with older children and there are no adults

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Speaker 1: around that are supervising. We want to make sure that

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Speaker 1: when we're having Sunday school lessons, if there's not a

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Speaker 1: lot of children who are present, and there's only one

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Speaker 1: teacher there and there's only one child there, then perhaps

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Speaker 1: we're combining classes because we're not doing one on one.

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Speaker 1: Isolation is always to be avoided. We also want to

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Speaker 1: talk about things like background checks, in person interviews for

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Speaker 1: people that we don't know, having disclosure and discovery policies

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Speaker 1: for child sexual abuse. And we want to make sure

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Speaker 1: more than anything that our parents, that are caregivers, that

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Speaker 1: are employees, and our volunteers that they are having training

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Speaker 1: around child sexual abuse prevention. It is available, It is

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Speaker 1: out there, and we need to start having the conversations

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Speaker 1: realizing how prevalent it is and that there are things

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Speaker 1: that we can do to protect our children. So something

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Speaker 1: else that often comes up in this conversation spirit. And

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Speaker 1: it's funny because as a child, my mom was always like,

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Speaker 1: there will be no sleepovers. You're not going to anybody

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Speaker 1: else's house, right, And of course as a child, I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, this is can I go everybody? I'm

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Speaker 1: the only one not going right. But now you have

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Speaker 1: heard more pediatricians and child psychiatrists and things come out

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Speaker 1: saying like this is actually not a good practice, like

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Speaker 1: in terms of like sleepovers and stuff like that. Can

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Speaker 1: you talk more about why that might be the case. Well, listen,

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Speaker 1: I think that those things are not necessarily the best

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Speaker 1: because unfortunately we're not talking openly with our children before

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Speaker 1: they have the opportunity for those environments. I personally love

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Speaker 1: the idea of a great sleepover, but I do not

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Speaker 1: do not, do not allow my children to sleep over

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Speaker 1: at most people's homes. And if they are going to

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Speaker 1: do that, then understand and that we have had months

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Speaker 1: and even years of conversation, we speak openly and honestly

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Speaker 1: with each other, and we are doing reviews before my

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Speaker 1: children ever go anywhere, right, And so we can't have open,

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Speaker 1: honest conversations with our children because most people never learned

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Speaker 1: how to have those conversations because nobody talked to us

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Speaker 1: about those things. So we're uncomfortable talking to children about

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Speaker 1: their body parts. We don't know how to use proper names.

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Speaker 1: You know. I've heard of vagina called everything from a

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Speaker 1: cookie to a pocketbook to a muffin. I've heard a

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Speaker 1: penis called everything from a peter to a paul to

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Speaker 1: a pecker. We don't use the proper names. We don't

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Speaker 1: talk about sexual abuse with children. We don't tell them

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Speaker 1: what is possible. We don't tell them what they need

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Speaker 1: to watch for. We don't tell them what they need

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Speaker 1: to do, and we don't create environments that make them

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Speaker 1: feel safe to come and talk to us if ever

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Speaker 1: they feel like they're having a problem. And so for us,

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Speaker 1: what we will see is families will start to move

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Speaker 1: away from the kinds of activities that we grew up

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Speaker 1: doing thinking that it was fun and safe and everything

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Speaker 1: was okay, because we will move towards a belief that

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Speaker 1: the only way that my children are saying is if

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Speaker 1: they are in my care and under my watchful I seven,

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Speaker 1: but let's be real. How realistic is it that we

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Speaker 1: will be able to keep our children with us seven

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Speaker 1: at all times until they reached the age of adulthood.

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Speaker 1: It's just not realistic, right, right, And you know, even

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Speaker 1: if that were possible, then what happens when they're eighteen

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Speaker 1: right then have not had those conversations and don't know

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Speaker 1: how to navigate conversations only get bigger, right, like when

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Speaker 1: they're off in college or something, trying to navigate consent

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Speaker 1: and you know things. So you know, we really are

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Speaker 1: not doing ourselves are our kids any favors by not

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Speaker 1: having these conversations with them once they're younger. It is inappropriate,

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Speaker 1: of course, right because I think sometimes I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: that's where parents get really weirded out about, like oh,

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Speaker 1: how much you I share? But of course I think

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Speaker 1: there are tons of resources and things available to talk about,

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Speaker 1: like how you can age appropriately talk about different things

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Speaker 1: with your kids. That is absolutely correct. We're not talking

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Speaker 1: about having to explain where babies come from to a

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Speaker 1: four year old and hoping that they can get it

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Speaker 1: using really technical, intense terms. We're talking about getting your

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Speaker 1: children comfortable from the moment they come out of the

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Speaker 1: womb with every part of themselves and being able to

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Speaker 1: own themselves and knowing what people have the right to

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Speaker 1: have access to and what they absolutely don't, and so spared,

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Speaker 1: I want to go back a little bit because you

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Speaker 1: talked about like ninety percent of children are abused by

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Speaker 1: people who are in their sphere of influence, people that

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Speaker 1: the family knows. But we spent a hundred percent of

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Speaker 1: our efforts on the ten percent of people talking about

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Speaker 1: like stranger danger and you know, all of that kind

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Speaker 1: of stuff. How how can we begin to expand that

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Speaker 1: beyond just stranger danger, because of course that's important, but

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Speaker 1: how can we start having some of these conversations with

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Speaker 1: that kid is about some of these other things that

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Speaker 1: may be more sensitive because it is maybe family members

387
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,080
Speaker 1: and stuff, right, Okay, So it's important then for us

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Speaker 1: to be able to help our children. We gotta understand

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Speaker 1: first and foremost why they're afraid to tell and talk

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Speaker 1: to them about. I talk to folks about how children communicate, right,

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Speaker 1: So we want to teach our children things like they

392
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Speaker 1: can ask us questions about their bodies, They can talk

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Speaker 1: directly to us about things that they experienced and know

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Speaker 1: that we're gonna be comfortable about that, that we're not

395
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Speaker 1: gonna get all scared or shut down or become notably uncomfortable. Listen,

396
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,680
Speaker 1: children have an interesting knack for knowing their parents far

397
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Speaker 1: better than we give them credit for. We think that

398
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Speaker 1: we're hiding our uncomfortability. We think that we're hiding the

399
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,920
Speaker 1: fact that we are uh not knowledgeable about a particular thing,

400
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:52,639
Speaker 1: or even sometimes we communicate unknowingly the wrong message to

401
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Speaker 1: our children that scares our children. Right, So I'll give

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00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 1: you a great example, Joy, I have adults, and I

403
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 1: can't tell you how many times they have said things

404
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,800
Speaker 1: to me like I wish somebody would put their hands

405
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Speaker 1: on my kid. I will kill somebody. I will go

406
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:10,680
Speaker 1: to jail, I will hurt somebody, right, And what message

407
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:15,119
Speaker 1: does that, unintentionally send to your child. The message that

408
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,560
Speaker 1: you're hoping to send is that I am going to

409
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Speaker 1: protect you no matter what. But how a child receives

410
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 1: that is very different. And what they come to believe is,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, if I tell this, somebody is going

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Speaker 1: to get hurt. If I tell this, my parent might

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Speaker 1: go to jail. And I don't want them to go

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00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,040
Speaker 1: to jail. If I tell this, then the person that

415
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Speaker 1: I love that is doing something to me that's making

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Speaker 1: me feel uncomfortable. My parent might kill them. I don't

417
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,560
Speaker 1: want them to die. So instead, what happens is we

418
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,880
Speaker 1: unintentionally send our child the wrong message that sends them

419
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 1: into hiding, that sends them into secrecy, that makes them

420
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Speaker 1: become responsible in their minds for keeping the higher family together.

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00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,480
Speaker 1: So instead, we have to change our dialogue. We have

422
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:09,520
Speaker 1: to be able to instead understand who are our children's

423
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,640
Speaker 1: trusted people, who do they spend the most time with,

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Speaker 1: Be curious about that, Be aware of what their activities are,

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00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: Be aware of how they're engaging one another, making sure

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Speaker 1: that the boundaries are healthy, making sure that you know

427
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,639
Speaker 1: what's going on in that relationship. We also have to

428
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 1: make sure that we're talking to our children in ways

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00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,360
Speaker 1: that are safe, that make them feel calm, that make

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Speaker 1: them trust us to know that, no matter what is

431
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: happening in their world, that we love them, and they

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00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 1: can trust us with the knowledge that they are our

433
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,320
Speaker 1: top priority and that no matter what happens, our job

434
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:50,360
Speaker 1: is always to make sure that they are okay. You see,

435
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:52,440
Speaker 1: spe This is why I'm just so glad you're here

436
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: and we're having this conversation, because I think a lot

437
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,880
Speaker 1: of times we as parents have really great intentions, right,

438
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: you just said, our whole goal is to try to

439
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 1: communicate trust to our kids and to let them know,

440
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,959
Speaker 1: you know, I would go to the ends of the

441
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,840
Speaker 1: earth for you, right, But of course we process that

442
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 1: as adults. We don't understand what a child is hearing.

443
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 1: So for you to say, like I would kill somebody

444
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: for that, well, of course they don't want anybody to

445
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,200
Speaker 1: die and they don't want anything to happen to you.

446
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: But what you're hoping to communicate is the trust in

447
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 1: the safety and really thinking about that language and how

448
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: we can, you know, really slow ourselves down, because like

449
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,119
Speaker 1: you said, it's important to kind of be calm and

450
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,720
Speaker 1: you know, measured when you're having these conversations. I think

451
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 1: a lot of times to really make sure that we're

452
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 1: choosing our words carefully for our kids. Yeah, to be

453
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,520
Speaker 1: able to say to a child, I love you so

454
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: much that there's nothing that I wouldn't do for you.

455
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,920
Speaker 1: There's nothing that you could tell me that would ever

456
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,960
Speaker 1: change how I love you, that will ever change how

457
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 1: I feel about you. And if something like this did happen, right,

458
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:58,240
Speaker 1: Because sometimes we don't even want to talk about the

459
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,479
Speaker 1: possibility that this kind of thing happens in the world,

460
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:06,199
Speaker 1: and unfortunately, the reality is it could happen to you. I,

461
00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 1: as your parents, am going to do everything I can

462
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,159
Speaker 1: to make sure that this doesn't happen to you. But

463
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: if ever you get into a situation where someone makes

464
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 1: you feel uncomfortable, if ever you get into a situation

465
00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 1: where someone touches you, if ever you get into a

466
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 1: situation where someone threatens you, or if ever you hear

467
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,719
Speaker 1: or see that someone has done that to somebody that

468
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,359
Speaker 1: you love or care about, you can come and talk

469
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 1: to me, because I'm on your team. I love you,

470
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure

471
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 1: that you're safe and to make sure that you never

472
00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 1: have to deal with a situation like that again. And

473
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,320
Speaker 1: that's the language that you give them. Now, what you

474
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:52,199
Speaker 1: do behind the scenes, hello, But what you give to

475
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: them says my mommy or daddy said that if I

476
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,400
Speaker 1: come to them, they'll make sure that this never happens

477
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,879
Speaker 1: to me again. And because I don't want this to

478
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,439
Speaker 1: happen to me again, I can go to them and

479
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,520
Speaker 1: tell them. And then we have to believe our children.

480
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,359
Speaker 1: We have to believe them when they tell us these things.

481
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,080
Speaker 1: And even if we don't believe it, if we don't

482
00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: want to believe it at our core, we have to

483
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 1: at least be willing to dig deeper. We have to

484
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,000
Speaker 1: be willing to dig deeper. And so even you know,

485
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,760
Speaker 1: as we go back to this R. Kelly thing, and

486
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,639
Speaker 1: we hear that, you know now these investigations are being reopened,

487
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,160
Speaker 1: that these things are being done. These are the kinds

488
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,879
Speaker 1: of things that we should want to have happen. We

489
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 1: don't have to know for certain that a thing has

490
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 1: happened to take a second look, or to get an

491
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 1: expert to have that investigation, to say, you know what,

492
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 1: this child has made this claim. This child is suggesting this.

493
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,040
Speaker 1: Let's get somebody else, a second pair of objective eyes

494
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,280
Speaker 1: in here, just to make sure that everything else is okay.

495
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,680
Speaker 1: And I think that that is something that's a really

496
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: important takeaway, you know, because I even saw earlier this week,

497
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 1: I think it was DL Hughgile's meme. Uh he had

498
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 1: something on one of his social media accounts where he said,

499
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,040
Speaker 1: your daughters will hear you defending R Kelly, and that's

500
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,920
Speaker 1: why they won't tell you that their uncle is touching them. Right,

501
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,359
Speaker 1: So we have to be careful of the language and

502
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,440
Speaker 1: the messaging that we're sending to our children, because they're

503
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:22,280
Speaker 1: always listening and they're always taking in and they're measuring

504
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,280
Speaker 1: what you will do with them based upon how you

505
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 1: behave in other situations. So even when you're talking to

506
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 1: your girlfriends or even when you're talking to your boys,

507
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,680
Speaker 1: you have to be careful about the message that you're

508
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 1: sending to your children because they're always listening and watching,

509
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: and that is how they're learning about you and how

510
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 1: you will deal with them in your relationship with them. Right, right,

511
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,719
Speaker 1: So you touched on a little bit spirit, but I

512
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: do want to hear if there's anything else you would share. Um, So,

513
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: if you do find out that something has happened to

514
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 1: your child, that they have been touched in appropriately, or

515
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,240
Speaker 1: something has happened, what are the next steps that you

516
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 1: should take to you know, kind of get the ball rolling,

517
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 1: so to speak. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, So what I

518
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: would say is first and foremost, and this is gonna

519
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 1: be the hardest thing that you would probably be able

520
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: to do in that moment, maybe even in your life. Listen,

521
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 1: calmly and openly. That is going to be so hard

522
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 1: when your child is telling you something that is going

523
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: to jar you. It is going to ignite your fight

524
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:25,840
Speaker 1: or flight. It is going to set you on fire.

525
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,200
Speaker 1: You have to figure out how to listen calmly and openly.

526
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 1: You have to go slow and not rush to fill

527
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 1: in the gaps. You can't say things like and then

528
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: did they touch you there? And then what happened? Well,

529
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,960
Speaker 1: come on, get to it. Tell me what happened next,

530
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 1: what happened next. You have to go slow, not ask

531
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 1: leading questions. You have to be able to simply say,

532
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 1: tell me more, tell me more. And when they're telling

533
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: you these things, I want you to believe them. Believe them,

534
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: and also make sure that you affirm them. Tell them

535
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: how proud of them you are for having the courage

536
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: to talk to you. Let them know that they haven't

537
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,040
Speaker 1: done anything wrong in this situation. I don't care what

538
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,280
Speaker 1: they tell you. I don't care what it is that

539
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 1: they've done. I want you to remember that they are

540
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: the child in this situation, and they are the victim.

541
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: No matter what they have done in the engagement. It

542
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: is the responsibility of that adult or that other older

543
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 1: person who has put them in that position. And most importantly,

544
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 1: you seek professional help for you and for your child,

545
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,240
Speaker 1: someone who is an expert in the area of child

546
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,520
Speaker 1: sexual abuse, and you allow them to come in and

547
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,360
Speaker 1: help you and your family begin to navigate the healing

548
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,920
Speaker 1: and the investigation and everything else that needs to happen.

549
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 1: And I do think this part is so important for

550
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 1: it right because how many people do we see in

551
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 1: our offices later in life who try to tell and

552
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,920
Speaker 1: they weren't believed. And I think it's probably one of

553
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: the most heartbreaking experiences I've handed the therapist, because it's

554
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: such a heavy burden that people carry throughout their lives

555
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 1: and cause them to question so many different things. Yes,

556
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 1: you know, and so we have to pay attention to

557
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 1: that because most individuals do not get the help that

558
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: they need. Most child sexual abuse joy still to this day,

559
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,520
Speaker 1: goes unreported, and so we need to know that. So

560
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: when individuals are coming into help years later, they've already

561
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 1: been dealing with mental illness for so long, whether it's depression,

562
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 1: whether it's anxiety, whether it's post traumatic stress disorder, and

563
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 1: they've been dealing with it for so long that oftentimes

564
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: they don't even recognize that they've been sick. They think

565
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,719
Speaker 1: it's their personality. They think that they've just always been

566
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,960
Speaker 1: a very withdrawn person, or a promiscuous person, or an

567
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 1: angry person, and they don't realize that those are symptoms

568
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 1: related to the illness that they've been dealing with because

569
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: of the abuse that they've suffered. And so we have

570
00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 1: to make sure that we teach individuals signs. How do

571
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: you recognize that your child or your team may be

572
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: in trouble When you recognize that there are things like

573
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 1: bruising and bleeding or rashes around your child's genitals, or

574
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 1: that your child has urinary track infections are sexually transmitted diseases,

575
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: or that your child is complaining about chronic pain that

576
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, stomach aches or headaches, and the doctors

577
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 1: don't have an answer for some of these things. You

578
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 1: have to look for emotional things or environmental things that

579
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 1: may be going on. If your child starts to withdraw

580
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,800
Speaker 1: or becomes depressed their behavior, start changing their clothing, starts

581
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:40,320
Speaker 1: changing their grade, starts slipping, who they hang out with,

582
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:45,720
Speaker 1: starts slipping. This doesn't necessarily mean that it is sexually related,

583
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: but these are some of the common things that we

584
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: see in these areas, and so I would always say

585
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:55,040
Speaker 1: seek help when you think something is wrong. You don't

586
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: have to know it, you just have to recognize it

587
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 1: and get your child to help. Let somebody else tell

588
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 1: you that nothing else is wrong, but don't overlook the

589
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 1: changes that you see in your children. Great point spirit.

590
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 1: So again kind of going back to the docuseries, and

591
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: you know that was drawing in like enough by itself,

592
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 1: but I do think the conversations that have spawned since

593
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:23,040
Speaker 1: then have also been really like illuminating, just to kind

594
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,280
Speaker 1: of see, you know, what people are thinking and how

595
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: they're processing all of this, and so some of um,

596
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,520
Speaker 1: you know, what I have been paying attention to is

597
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:34,640
Speaker 1: older sisters, you know, maybe mental late twenties and thirties,

598
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: talking about how they had relationships with like when they

599
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 1: were fifteen or sixteen, they were dating like twenty one

600
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:46,640
Speaker 1: or twenty two year old and not necessarily recognizing that

601
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: as like a sexual abuse kind of a situation and

602
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: in real time coming to terms with, oh, that probably

603
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:56,880
Speaker 1: wasn't a good idea A little bit about that, because

604
00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 1: I do think, you know, that is something that is

605
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 1: often missed and just like, oh, she's just dating an

606
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: older guy, or she's into older guys, she's always been

607
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: more mature or something like that, And I think we

608
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 1: often missed that piece. Oh and come on, let me

609
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,040
Speaker 1: add the caveat okay, because there is the other side

610
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,160
Speaker 1: of that as well that we don't talk about. And

611
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:18,880
Speaker 1: I think sometimes in certain instances, even to a larger degree,

612
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 1: we don't talk about it. And that is the number

613
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 1: of teen boys sex with grown women. And in our

614
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 1: culture in particularly, it is seen as a rite of

615
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:32,719
Speaker 1: passage that he is somehow supposed to like it. This

616
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 1: fifteen year old boy having sex with this forty year

617
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:39,200
Speaker 1: old woman, this high school boy having sex with his

618
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:43,960
Speaker 1: boy's mother. We have got to pay attention and recognize

619
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:48,440
Speaker 1: that sex with miners. I don't care what their physical

620
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: bodies look like. They do not have the mental capacity

621
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 1: to understand all of the emotional dynamics that go into

622
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,880
Speaker 1: sex and the act of sex. It is not just

623
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:05,359
Speaker 1: state physical act. It has emotional and psychological implications and

624
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: we don't understand that. And so when we look at

625
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 1: these girls who are dating these older boys, or these

626
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 1: young men or even older men, we have to look

627
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:19,040
Speaker 1: at that for what it is. It is child sexual abuse.

628
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 1: And we don't want to think about it in those

629
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: terms we say she's mature, or we think about it, Oh, girl,

630
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,000
Speaker 1: he loves you, so you you must be grown. You've

631
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,960
Speaker 1: always been grown. These young girls who think, yeah, I

632
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,359
Speaker 1: don't have time for these young boys. I need a man,

633
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,680
Speaker 1: somebody who can do something for me. They do not

634
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:41,399
Speaker 1: have the mental capacities. They do not have the developmental Uh.

635
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:46,680
Speaker 1: From a cognitive perspective, that frontal cortext is not fully developed,

636
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 1: and so that part of their brains that would control

637
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 1: rational thinking, judgment consequence, it is not there. And so

638
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,800
Speaker 1: I don't care what anybody tells you, we cannot hold

639
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:06,400
Speaker 1: children accountable for adult behaviors, right. And unfortunately, you know,

640
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: in addition to the good conversations that I see coming

641
00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,319
Speaker 1: out of this, there's also that part of it, right

642
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 1: that has been really disheartening. And you know, all of

643
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,839
Speaker 1: the narrative around these fast little girls, and you know,

644
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,760
Speaker 1: all of that stuff that you also heard in connection

645
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:21,799
Speaker 1: to the Doctor series. Yeah, and I think we have

646
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:24,320
Speaker 1: to understand the history of that. I've been talking about

647
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: that all week. And let's just be real, particularly as

648
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:31,960
Speaker 1: Black women, our bodies have been hyper sexualized and objectified

649
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,400
Speaker 1: since colonialism. I wouldn't say since we came to America,

650
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,279
Speaker 1: because we came to America long before slavery, and our

651
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:42,440
Speaker 1: relationship with this continent was much different prior to slavery.

652
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:47,319
Speaker 1: But because we were objectified in slavery, we still have

653
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,399
Speaker 1: the remnants of that in our psyche, not just as

654
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:54,720
Speaker 1: Black people, but as Americans. And so most people don't

655
00:36:54,840 --> 00:37:00,320
Speaker 1: understand that hyper sexualization. How they see black girl roles,

656
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,960
Speaker 1: how they see black women, and so it is hard

657
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:07,399
Speaker 1: for most people not to blame the victim. Oh, well,

658
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,240
Speaker 1: she was just fast. I mean, look at how they dance,

659
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,960
Speaker 1: Look at how they're moving, Look at it's the hormones

660
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: in the milk. There starting puberty so early, of course

661
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:20,879
Speaker 1: they know about sex. That is blaming the victim, and

662
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: we have got to do better. We have got to

663
00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 1: do better. When you see an eight or nine year

664
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 1: old who is hyper sexualized, we have got to recognize

665
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:33,440
Speaker 1: that child has been exposed to an inappropriate amount of

666
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 1: sexual content. That is not her being fast. Fast. Children

667
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,520
Speaker 1: are made, they are not born, and so we have

668
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 1: to do better by our children and go deeper and

669
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:46,920
Speaker 1: ask the questions when we see hyper sexual children or

670
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,480
Speaker 1: children who are aware of sexually inappropriate things at the

671
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:53,360
Speaker 1: wrong age. We have to see that as an alert

672
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 1: and we have to sound the alarm. We don't look

673
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 1: at that and judge that child. We need to look

674
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 1: at that and recognize that child is in trouble, and

675
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: we need to round them, come around them as a

676
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,200
Speaker 1: community and get them the help that they need so

677
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,319
Speaker 1: that they don't grow up to be further victimized or

678
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,560
Speaker 1: to victimize someone else. Good point, Spirit, And it feels

679
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,359
Speaker 1: like that. It's kind of like the theme for all

680
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:19,160
Speaker 1: you said today is asking more questions and not you know,

681
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 1: immediately jumping to conclusions or kind of putting our own

682
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: assumptions on the situation, but asking more questions of ourselves

683
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:30,879
Speaker 1: and our community and of our children. Absolutely, yeah, So

684
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,920
Speaker 1: what kinds of resources would you point people to? Spirit?

685
00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:36,399
Speaker 1: For people who you know, want to read more about this,

686
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:38,799
Speaker 1: you know, maybe need some kind of checklist of kinds

687
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 1: of things they should be asking their kids. Do you

688
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,919
Speaker 1: have any resources for sure? Now? One of the things

689
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:45,800
Speaker 1: I will say, and I will put in the shameless

690
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 1: plug only because I'm a member of that organization, Darkness

691
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,800
Speaker 1: to Light is doing some great work in this area.

692
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,399
Speaker 1: And not only are they doing great work, but they

693
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 1: are doing wonderful trainings. They are committed to being able

694
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: to edge kate communities, and I mean by communities, I

695
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 1: mean everything from uh individual families and neighbors and schools

696
00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:11,399
Speaker 1: and churches. Their goal is to educate individual adults all

697
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:15,120
Speaker 1: over the country about child sexual abuse and ways to

698
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,279
Speaker 1: prevent it. They actually go out into communities to help

699
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:22,840
Speaker 1: you identify hot spots within your organization, how to fix those,

700
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,440
Speaker 1: how to help adults become more mindful stewards of children.

701
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: And so I love darkness to light. So that is

702
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,760
Speaker 1: one organization and if you want resources, you can contact

703
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 1: them at eight six six for Light eight six six

704
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 1: fo r l I g h T. We can also

705
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,920
Speaker 1: look at the child abuse helplines like the Child Abuse

706
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 1: USA National Child Abuse Hotline. That one is one eight

707
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: hundred for a child, one eight hundred, the number four

708
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 1: a child. And then there are child advocacy centers all

709
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:58,840
Speaker 1: over the country, okay, And so if you're interested in

710
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,279
Speaker 1: finding out, all you have to do is you can

711
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 1: go online and do a search in your area for

712
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: your local child advocacy center. And they are there not

713
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,319
Speaker 1: only to answer questions, but in the event that a

714
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:17,200
Speaker 1: child some sexual abuse is suspected, they can perform forensic interviews.

715
00:40:17,239 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 1: They can go in and assist that family. They can

716
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:26,480
Speaker 1: provide resources everything from therapy services to actual investigative services.

717
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:29,360
Speaker 1: So the help is out there, the knowledge and the

718
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:32,359
Speaker 1: information is out there. I would tell parents, I would

719
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:36,719
Speaker 1: tell providers, I would tell therapists. Educate yourself, don't be

720
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:39,880
Speaker 1: afraid of education, and don't be afraid to talk to

721
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,759
Speaker 1: your child. Talking to your child about sexual abuse does

722
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:48,080
Speaker 1: not hyper sexualize them. It protects them from the predators

723
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:50,880
Speaker 1: who are counting on you not to teach them that

724
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:54,719
Speaker 1: they exist in the world. Perfect closing Where perfect? So

725
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,799
Speaker 1: where can people find you and connect with you through

726
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,560
Speaker 1: your website and online? Oh, they can find me at

727
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,319
Speaker 1: Talk to Spirit on all of my social media. That's

728
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:05,920
Speaker 1: talk the Number two Spirit. And of course if they

729
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,359
Speaker 1: ever want to reach me at the office, they can

730
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 1: contact me at eight eight eight seven one eight two

731
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:14,960
Speaker 1: T two S again eight eight seven eight T T

732
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: two S. Our office is T two S Enterprises were

733
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:21,759
Speaker 1: based in Atlanta, Georgia, but we are all over. Great.

734
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,240
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us again. Today's Spirit.

735
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:28,399
Speaker 1: Absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for having me I'm

736
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,239
Speaker 1: so grateful Spirit was able to join us again to

737
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: share her expertise and some incredibly valuable information. To find

738
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,799
Speaker 1: out more about her practice, and to check out the

739
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:42,560
Speaker 1: resources that she shared, visit the show notes at Therapy

740
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:47,399
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot Com slash Session ninety. Let us

741
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 1: know what you thought about the episode by sharing your

742
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,800
Speaker 1: takeaways with us on Twitter or in your I G

743
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:58,320
Speaker 1: stories using the hashtag tv G in session and please

744
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,080
Speaker 1: be shared to share this episode owed with all of

745
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 1: the parents in your circle. Remember that if you're searching

746
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, check out our directory

747
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:13,080
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And

748
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:16,240
Speaker 1: don't forget to grab your Therapy for Black Girls sweatshirts,

749
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:20,280
Speaker 1: t shirts, mugs, or a copy of our guided breakup

750
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:23,759
Speaker 1: journal in our store at Therapy for Black Girls dot

751
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:27,279
Speaker 1: com slash shop. And if you want to continue this

752
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:31,479
Speaker 1: conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, join

753
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: us over in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black

754
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:38,520
Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash Tribe. Thank y'all so much for

755
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,239
Speaker 1: joining me again this week, and I look forward to

756
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:44,959
Speaker 1: continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take

757
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:45,439
Speaker 1: it care