Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of
Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. All right,
Speaker 1: we talk a lot about emotions on this podcast. That
Speaker 1: is basically my bread and butter. We've spoken about anger
Speaker 1: and envy and heartbreak, happiness, everything in between. But one
Speaker 1: that we have missed all this time is resentment. And
Speaker 1: I was kind of thinking about why, and the reason
Speaker 1: I came to is probably because it's kind of an
Speaker 1: ugly emotion, at least that is what I think society
Speaker 1: would like to convince us. Resentment is that deep sense
Speaker 1: that we have been wronged, that we have been double crossed, treated,
Speaker 1: unfairly mistreated, and sometimes people confuse that with entitlement and
Speaker 1: feeling like we deserve more or better than what we
Speaker 1: have received. I tend to disagree. I think the root
Speaker 1: of resentment is respect and a sense of fairness, and
Speaker 1: when we feel resentful of somebody, it shows that we
Speaker 1: respect ourselves enough and we have enough sense of self
Speaker 1: worth and self esteem to know when somebody has crossed
Speaker 1: the line. We're not always the best at handling that resentment, though,
Speaker 1: even if it does come from a justified place, it
Speaker 1: can sometimes blind us, blind us with disappointment, blind us
Speaker 1: with anger or bitterness. It can cause us to lash
Speaker 1: out or sometimes to end relationships we otherwise would have saved.
Speaker 1: I think it's the behavioral response to resentment that is
Speaker 1: what we see is ugly. But more than that, it's
Speaker 1: our shame. It's our shame around how our resentment causes
Speaker 1: us to act and to behave So few of us
Speaker 1: have been really taught how to manage reactions like the
Speaker 1: ones caused by resentment, and what can emerge is a
Speaker 1: pattern of suppression and eventually explosion. I've been considering this
Speaker 1: a lot in my own life recently, especially when it
Speaker 1: comes down to friendship, and it's something I know I
Speaker 1: really have to reach some kind of peace with, you know,
Speaker 1: to be vulnerable for a second. I think I've definitely
Speaker 1: been feeling a bit of resentment around feeling taken advantage of,
Speaker 1: or like my efforts and some of my friendships have
Speaker 1: been taken for granted recently, and it's left me feeling
Speaker 1: kind of bitter and unacknowledged. Unacknowledged is probably the best
Speaker 1: word for it. And what I've come to realize is
Speaker 1: that when it comes to resentment, you have three options,
Speaker 1: and only one of them is actually helpful. You can
Speaker 1: let it control you, which often means fixating on past
Speaker 1: grievances or trying to justify your emotions, not letting bygones
Speaker 1: be bygones. You can let it consume your life and
Speaker 1: your relationships without ever giving anybody the opportunity to address
Speaker 1: it or to give you a differing version of reality.
Speaker 1: You could ignore it, which is basically the same as
Speaker 1: the above. It just delays the inevitable. It's going to
Speaker 1: produce the same outcome. Your resentment will take control and
Speaker 1: most likely result in some kind of loss. It's not
Speaker 1: to say that sometimes that's necessary, sometimes people have wronged
Speaker 1: you and your resentment is coming from a healthy place.
Speaker 1: But the final option, and I think that involves the
Speaker 1: example I just gave, is sitting with it, validating your
Speaker 1: response and why it was only natural to kind of
Speaker 1: feel that way given the circumstances. You can really take
Speaker 1: away the shame of feeling and what others might call
Speaker 1: entitled or what others might call ugly, and a step
Speaker 1: beyond that you can address it with those around you.
Speaker 1: I think maturing is realizing that bringing up grievances or
Speaker 1: slights or problems is actually one of the biggest signs
Speaker 1: that you truly care about the other person. You care
Speaker 1: about the relationship, but also you care about yourself enough
Speaker 1: to endure the awkwardness and the tension of trying to
Speaker 1: improve things. You know, it really does show a commitment
Speaker 1: to wanting to be there, or at least a commitment
Speaker 1: to giving yourself some kind of answer. So I think
Speaker 1: resentment is such a maze. It's such a complicated emotion
Speaker 1: Let's talk about how we can navigate it today. I
Speaker 1: want to speak on its psychological origins, its purpose. You know,
Speaker 1: even though it's a quote unquote ugly emotion, we know
Speaker 1: all emotions have a function, but also its consequences and
Speaker 1: its expression. How we can find a healthy resolution despite
Speaker 1: our of a knee jerk reaction to lash out in
Speaker 1: response to resentment, whatever it is that has called you
Speaker 1: to this episode, whether it is a lack of recognition
Speaker 1: at your job, an unequal friendship or relationship, and unresolved conflict,
Speaker 1: a broken promise. I hope you can find some answers,
Speaker 1: and if not, at least you find some clarity and
Speaker 1: some information. So, without further ado, let's get into it.
Speaker 1: Resentment has a lot of different sources, the biggest one
Speaker 1: being a sense of unfairness or mistreatment. As we spoke
Speaker 1: of before, each of us has some kind of perception
Speaker 1: about how we should be treated and what we deserve
Speaker 1: from those around us. It's something that we develop pretty
Speaker 1: early on by watching how others are treated, experiencing how
Speaker 1: our parents treat us, what they tell us is right
Speaker 1: or wrong, how we feel when we are treated poorly,
Speaker 1: and of course our self esteem and our sense of
Speaker 1: self worth, things that we commonly believe we deserve are
Speaker 1: pretty basic. I would say these aren't controversial. Every single
Speaker 1: person alive today deserves respect and recognition, deserves kindness, reciprocity.
Speaker 1: You know, we want to feel like our emotional, physical, social, mental,
Speaker 1: all those contributions are matched. We want to feel valued
Speaker 1: and loved and cared for. These are often our basics,
Speaker 1: the bare minimum of what is expected from others as
Speaker 1: a human being. And if you have a healthy sense
Speaker 1: of self esteem and sense of self worth, you don't
Speaker 1: feel like it's too much to ask for for people
Speaker 1: to meet these emotional needs or these basics of respect,
Speaker 1: knowing that you would treat them the same way. These
Speaker 1: are as I said, the fundamentals, the most basic things. Obviously,
Speaker 1: the more we trust someone, the more we may come
Speaker 1: to expect from them, Yes, you know your boyfriend or
Speaker 1: your best friend and a stranger on the street, we
Speaker 1: could both show you respect and kindness, but we might
Speaker 1: expect our best friend to show us things like generosity,
Speaker 1: more reciprocity, more kindness than we would expect from a stranger.
Speaker 1: Studies have shown that resentment is most powerful when it
Speaker 1: is felt towards someone close to us. We are less
Speaker 1: likely to experience as intense amount of resentment towards that
Speaker 1: stranger than towards someone that we love, because our expectations
Speaker 1: of them and our trust in them is more significant
Speaker 1: is higher. Essentially, resentment emerges when our expectations about how
Speaker 1: we should be treated based on the individual, based on
Speaker 1: the context and our actions, Our expectations are not met,
Speaker 1: and this can be triggered by a number of experiences,
Speaker 1: like being taken advantage of. Maybe you're always paying for everything,
Speaker 1: you are always giving people gifts, never getting thank yous,
Speaker 1: You're always putting down gas money and never getting that reciprocated.
Speaker 1: Another example is being put down or comments or criticisms
Speaker 1: that you think are unfair. You feel like someone is
Speaker 1: not seeing the situation the way you are or giving
Speaker 1: you credit. You maybe resent them for an assumption that
Speaker 1: they've made about you without full information, or the fact
Speaker 1: that they feel like you don't have enough self respect
Speaker 1: and that you would allow them to speak to you
Speaker 1: that way. Being dismissed, I think, also fits into this category.
Speaker 1: Feeling overlooked or unheard, like it work when you put
Speaker 1: in the long hours and they don't turn into a
Speaker 1: promotion or a pay rise. Having your feelings or you're
Speaker 1: interested neglected by someone you thought would care is another
Speaker 1: pretty serious example. An example of this that really comes
Speaker 1: to mind for me is cheating. How can you not
Speaker 1: feel resentment around something like that? Being so vulnerable and
Speaker 1: open and trusting someone, letting them see you and kind
Speaker 1: of finding out that perhaps they just don't care. I
Speaker 1: think this comes back to perhaps the biggest source of
Speaker 1: personal and relational resentment, having these kinds of relationships with
Speaker 1: people who insist that their needs are more important than
Speaker 1: your own. It's interesting because a friend of mine was
Speaker 1: telling me the other day about how unfortunately her parents
Speaker 1: are getting divorced after being married for nearly thirty odd years,
Speaker 1: and she was really fine with me sharing the story,
Speaker 1: but she was explaining to me that her mom had
Speaker 1: basically never recovered from being the one who gave up
Speaker 1: her career and it was meant to be temporary, but
Speaker 1: you know, then her siblings were born, and eventually her
Speaker 1: dad basically had convinced her to stay at home permanently.
Speaker 1: And here she was years later, feeling like she hadn't
Speaker 1: fulfilled her potential, harboring a decades long resentment around her
Speaker 1: needs not being as important that she'd never really processed,
Speaker 1: you know, her needs were being put second. She had
Speaker 1: these desires and these intentions for her life, and she
Speaker 1: kind of resented I guess my friend's dad for never
Speaker 1: taking them seriously. And I'm sure it's more complex than that,
Speaker 1: but I think it's a really good example, and there
Speaker 1: are so many stories exactly like that one. The thing
Speaker 1: is that sometimes it's hard to express why you feel
Speaker 1: the way that you feel. What is it about their
Speaker 1: behavior that is insinuating, that's somewhere deep down they don't
Speaker 1: respect you, or you feel like they don't see you,
Speaker 1: or they don't care about you. Here's the thing, though,
Speaker 1: You could search for that reason, or you could search
Speaker 1: for that example that has made you feel resentful your
Speaker 1: whole life for months, for weeks, And I don't actually
Speaker 1: think that you need a justification for your resentment to
Speaker 1: still feel that way. You know, obviously you probably eventually
Speaker 1: need to know why you're feeling mistreated to be able
Speaker 1: to express that to the other person. But the explanation
Speaker 1: doesn't always come before the feeling. Normally, we feel resentful
Speaker 1: before we realize where it has come from. Maybe I
Speaker 1: should explain this a little bit better. Basically, the emotion
Speaker 1: needs to come first before we can rationalize them. If
Speaker 1: we think we need some reason to feel a certain
Speaker 1: way to feel an emotion, we will always suppress or
Speaker 1: diminish our feelings because our reaction always precedes our explanation
Speaker 1: if we ignore it. That is when we see so
Speaker 1: many of the negative consequences that we were discussing before.
Speaker 1: So the signs that what you're feeling is actually a
Speaker 1: symptom of resentment include anger that is the biggest reaction
Speaker 1: to injustice that we probably come across. And you know,
Speaker 1: emotions are not solely confined to our minds. They also
Speaker 1: take residence in our body, so we might feel physically tense,
Speaker 1: physically enraged. Our heart rate might go up in response
Speaker 1: to an event or a situation that has made us
Speaker 1: feel resentment. Hostility is another big one. One theory i
Speaker 1: read on this was that hostility is actually more of
Speaker 1: a protective mechanism to keep someone at a distance who
Speaker 1: has hurt us by coming off cold or kind of
Speaker 1: numbing ourselves to their presence or our own emotional reaction
Speaker 1: by shutting down. Basically, this person who's hurt us, we
Speaker 1: don't want to let them in again, so we initiate
Speaker 1: a sense of hostility to keep them at bay. Lashing
Speaker 1: out is kind of like this as well. The reason
Speaker 1: we often do this is a very primal urge to
Speaker 1: kind of fight back. You know, if someone is hurting
Speaker 1: us in a way, lashing out shows them that we
Speaker 1: can cause them the same level of pain. So essentially
Speaker 1: it's being like, don't mess with me. We respond to
Speaker 1: the threat, as we would call it. It's very evolutionary,
Speaker 1: a very instinctual explanation, but when we should definitely consider
Speaker 1: just a quick remind to hear all of those feeling
Speaker 1: of resentment are valid. If you feel like you have
Speaker 1: been crossed, you're feeling a sense of injustice, that is
Speaker 1: something that you should definitely interrogate. But that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that your behavior is valid. Hostility, lashing out, they might
Speaker 1: feel comforting, but it's also unkind. So try and really
Speaker 1: think about why you have this impulse before you let
Speaker 1: it rule you, before you let it control you. You
Speaker 1: don't want to suddenly be in a race to the bottom,
Speaker 1: you know, each of you responding to the other with
Speaker 1: even more negativity until the relationship is destroyed. You can
Speaker 1: be upset and I think still be looking for a
Speaker 1: solution or be civil, or be able to respect yourself
Speaker 1: enough to not do something that you think will damage
Speaker 1: you further in the future or damage that relationship further.
Speaker 1: So another symptom is withdrawal, feeling like if you just
Speaker 1: kind of fade out of their life, we don't really
Speaker 1: have to undue what is happening. We never really have
Speaker 1: to look for closure. Not the most mature solution, but again,
Speaker 1: we aren't necessarily acting from a place of maturity when
Speaker 1: we feel resentment. We are acting from a place of
Speaker 1: protection and impulse. What is going to make us feel better?
Speaker 1: What is going to make us feel safest? Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: emotional avoidance. Sometimes we also just don't have a choice
Speaker 1: if the damage is done, if this person has hurt us,
Speaker 1: Sometimes the only way to get over that is to
Speaker 1: be like, no, I'm sorry, I'm I am fully done,
Speaker 1: i am fully ready to separate myself from this situation,
Speaker 1: and there is nothing you can say. Like I said before,
Speaker 1: it's when these reactions are suppressed that our resentment becomes
Speaker 1: most powerful. It's like putting a lid on a boiling pot.
Speaker 1: The pot is still boiling. Eventually you're not going to
Speaker 1: be able to hold it anymore. You cannot suppress your resentment.
Speaker 1: And the solution to this is having a way to
Speaker 1: articulate what your feeling. Because if there is one thing
Speaker 1: this episode leaves you with is that resentment is not
Speaker 1: a nasty or a bad emotion when it's given its
Speaker 1: due respect. When we let it expand into entitlement and
Speaker 1: revenge and vengefulness, then it becomes unhealthy. But when we,
Speaker 1: you know, really get the chance to examine it, when
Speaker 1: we are able to label it and name it, it
Speaker 1: actually serves a lot of healthy functions. I think it's
Speaker 1: better to kind of think of your resentment, if we're
Speaker 1: going to reframe this, think of your resentment as an
Speaker 1: emotional alarm. It is an emotional symptom that something is
Speaker 1: wrong with your relationship, with your circumstances, with your expectations.
Speaker 1: It's a red flag that needs your attention. But when
Speaker 1: that is ignored, that is when it begins to consume
Speaker 1: your mental and emotional energy. For example, you know, if
Speaker 1: you're resenting your parents for I don't know, not coming
Speaker 1: to see you over the holidays, or spending more time
Speaker 1: with your siblings, whatever it is, that is a sign
Speaker 1: that you feel the relationship is unbalanced. That is the
Speaker 1: red flag, that is the alarm. So address that here
Speaker 1: their perspective, if you would like. I think when we
Speaker 1: open up about our resentment, we naturally remove some of
Speaker 1: its some would say selfish components, because resentment does tend
Speaker 1: to blind us to other people's perspectives because it's very
Speaker 1: centered on our own experience. It's centered on our experiences,
Speaker 1: our expectations, our emotions, and sometimes that can make us
Speaker 1: blind to why somebody acted the way they did, not
Speaker 1: out of cruelty, not out of a malicious place, but
Speaker 1: just from an unaware place. You know, you might resent
Speaker 1: your friend for being late because you feel like she
Speaker 1: doesn't value your time, and that is going to remain
Speaker 1: your interpretation. You are at the center, You are the
Speaker 1: one who was aggrieved, unless you speak to her about
Speaker 1: it and you realize, you know, actually she's dealing with
Speaker 1: a lot of work stress, she's over committing. It's not
Speaker 1: that she doesn't value your time, that she doesn't value
Speaker 1: or organize her time. And I've tended to find that
Speaker 1: resentment fades with more information. Another explanation about why resentment
Speaker 1: can be beneficial is that it kind of reveals to
Speaker 1: us what we value. We wouldn't have this visceral, intense
Speaker 1: kind of emotional reaction if we were apathetic towards our
Speaker 1: circumstances or to what's going on, or to the person
Speaker 1: that our resentment is directed towards. Like I said, if
Speaker 1: it's a stranger who's not showing you respect or generosity
Speaker 1: or reciprocity. You kind of don't care. The reason we
Speaker 1: feel resentment so strongly, especially when it comes to our
Speaker 1: partners or our family, is because we have a sense
Speaker 1: of expecting more from them. If we value friendship, you know,
Speaker 1: we are going to resent our friends for not making
Speaker 1: an effort or for canceling plans last minute, because we
Speaker 1: value the friendship. If you value success and praise, you're
Speaker 1: going to resent not getting that or not getting the
Speaker 1: acknowledgment that you deserve for your hard work or your accomplishments.
Speaker 1: If you value loyalty, you resent feeling like you've been
Speaker 1: put second behind somebody else. If you value freedom, I
Speaker 1: don't know, you will resent being caged or feeling like
Speaker 1: you have lost your independence. So resentment serves as a
Speaker 1: clue for a what needs to change in our lives
Speaker 1: to bring us peace and be what we value. And finally,
Speaker 1: you know, some psychologists would suggest that it's a form
Speaker 1: of protest. I know I mentioned this before, I'm kind
Speaker 1: of repeating myself, but it's basically a way for our
Speaker 1: body and our mind to almost respond to an injustice
Speaker 1: by closing off emotionally, by depriving somebody access to us
Speaker 1: by creating an emotional state that will influence our behavior.
Speaker 1: To avoid being hurt again, to avoid having our ego
Speaker 1: kind of cross, to maintain our sense of self worth
Speaker 1: and respect. So those are three theories as to why
Speaker 1: we experience resentment so profoundly. It's an emotional alarm to
Speaker 1: something that needs to change in our lives. It is
Speaker 1: a sign of what we care about, and it's a
Speaker 1: way of protecting us. I want to offer one final
Speaker 1: perspective here, and you know what, I don't agree with it,
Speaker 1: but maybe it will resonate with you. I think it's
Speaker 1: important to always offer some other explanations. Just because they
Speaker 1: don't align with my beliefs doesn't mean there isn't some
Speaker 1: truth in them. One of the leading psychologists and researchers
Speaker 1: on resentment, doctor Steven Stonzi. He wrote some really fascinating
Speaker 1: articles around his belief that resentment is actually quite selfish
Speaker 1: and in his words, narcissistic. So he kind of believes
Speaker 1: that resentment actually shouldn't be normalized because it closes us
Speaker 1: off from other and it makes us defensive. He says
Speaker 1: that resentment is like anger, it actually cuts us off
Speaker 1: from higher emotions that would allow us to heal and repair.
Speaker 1: So when you experience resentment, it's best to kind of
Speaker 1: talk yourself out of it, to get over your ego,
Speaker 1: to forgive and move forward. Listen. I get the sentiment.
Speaker 1: I totally do, But I think that you can get
Speaker 1: back to those higher emotions as he calls them, without
Speaker 1: suppressing those initial feelings that have come up. I kind
Speaker 1: of get where he's coming from. I think resentment is
Speaker 1: somewhat self centered, but not selfish. It's based on your reality,
Speaker 1: not on someone else's. That doesn't make it bad when
Speaker 1: you don't have the closure from that experience and why
Speaker 1: it created resentment. When you are kind of told to
Speaker 1: just move on when you haven't worked through the why,
Speaker 1: I think you just re enter a cycle where you
Speaker 1: can never get to a more enlightened and positive space. Right,
Speaker 1: you might just end up staying in relationships. But actually
Speaker 1: you have a real reason to feel resentful. You aren't
Speaker 1: treated with respect, you aren't given what you deserve. So
Speaker 1: actually you need to learn and listen to this feeling
Speaker 1: because it is kind of guiding your life. It is
Speaker 1: giving you an alarm to return to that former explanation
Speaker 1: so that's another perspective. There's a couple of perspectives. Actually,
Speaker 1: you can choose which one you think best suits may
Speaker 1: be the resentment that you experience. But the next question
Speaker 1: we obviously have is what do we do about it.
Speaker 1: We don't want resentment to rule our lives, but we
Speaker 1: also can't avoid it. We can't just keep feeding the beast.
Speaker 1: We can't just keep suppressing it. So we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about how to move through it and so much
Speaker 1: more after this shortbreak. At the very beginning of this episode,
Speaker 1: I presented you with kind of three options for dealing
Speaker 1: with your resentment. You can harbor, you can ignore, or
Speaker 1: you can release. I want to tell you about what
Speaker 1: happens to your body and your emotional state and your
Speaker 1: relationships if you choose number one or two. If you
Speaker 1: believe that resentment is better left unseen. As time goes on,
Speaker 1: it builds up, and this causes a domino effect that
Speaker 1: turns into anger, bitterness, disappointment, potentially hatred. That is really
Speaker 1: explosive to our relationships because when we don't express why
Speaker 1: we are hurt, why we are angry, we don't really
Speaker 1: give the other person an opportunity to repair to reflect,
Speaker 1: to fix things. You know, basically you stone wall yourself
Speaker 1: and that relationship. There's no getting past it, which is
Speaker 1: quite sad. Obviously, sometimes, like I said, you know, I
Speaker 1: feel the need to justify this. Sometimes it's valid, sometimes
Speaker 1: it's necessary. But I think about a couple of friendships
Speaker 1: I lost when I was a teenager in my very
Speaker 1: early twenties that I think I really could have saved
Speaker 1: if I'd swallowed my pride and been honest about what
Speaker 1: I was finding issue with. You know, I never gave
Speaker 1: those people the chance that I'm sure you know I
Speaker 1: now would, and that I'm sure some of my friends
Speaker 1: have given me when I've messed up, when I've not
Speaker 1: met the expectations for our relationship. It's kind of like
Speaker 1: the moment you feel resentment is the moment that the
Speaker 1: relationship ends if your only option is to ignore it
Speaker 1: or to harbor it. It can also have more long
Speaker 1: term effects, such as, you know, the development of a
Speaker 1: very hostile, cynical attitude derived from emotional pain, which can
Speaker 1: eventually become a barrier against future healthy relationships. This is
Speaker 1: a hard one because inherent to letting go of our
Speaker 1: resentment is also an element of forgiveness and letting things
Speaker 1: settle and be excused for your own sake. Let's be
Speaker 1: real for a second. There are some people we cannot
Speaker 1: give that too. The transgression has been too great, the
Speaker 1: hurt has been too much much. But in those moments,
Speaker 1: it's important to remember that your resentment is there to
Speaker 1: protect you and to reinforce what you do deserve. But
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that it should numb you. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that it should hold you back, or that it
Speaker 1: should teach you that the world is harsh and that
Speaker 1: people are inherently mean. You know, your resentment can be
Speaker 1: reserved for that one person and resolved by taking the
Speaker 1: action to distance yourself without taking over. Chronic resentment, especially
Speaker 1: directed towards people who remain in your lives but with
Speaker 1: whom we never address, it can also start out emotional growth.
Speaker 1: It creates a lot of difficulty in self disclosure, right
Speaker 1: trouble trusting others. If we are constantly ruminating on this
Speaker 1: instance in which we felt let down, or we felt
Speaker 1: kind of burned or excluded, or that made you feel
Speaker 1: like you were double cross whatever, it's gonna make you
Speaker 1: the kind of person who goes to trust other people
Speaker 1: who goes to open up to other people and is
Speaker 1: reminded about this previous experience and immediately shuts down. That
Speaker 1: is I think the emotional consequence that we have from shaming,
Speaker 1: our resentment, or from feeling like the only choice is
Speaker 1: either I have to forgive this person completely or I
Speaker 1: have to just move on and suppress what I've gone through.
Speaker 1: And it also has physical consequences, which I think we
Speaker 1: don't often speak about in this conversation. If there is
Speaker 1: one thing we talk about so much on this podcast,
Speaker 1: it's that emotions have a physical form. I think if
Speaker 1: you've ever read The Body Keeps the Score, you would
Speaker 1: know that I speak about it so often. I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry to sound like you know a record on repeat,
Speaker 1: but more often than not, you know, emotions are not
Speaker 1: just restricted to our minds. They manifest in our body
Speaker 1: through tension, through stress, through the release of cortisol and
Speaker 1: other stress hormones, through an increased heart rate or blood pressure.
Speaker 1: And again, doctor Stoncy, who we spoke about before, he
Speaker 1: actually did some further research on this back in twenty twelve.
Speaker 1: In twenty thirteen, and he found that in a number
Speaker 1: of patients that had prolonged chronic resentment. This can lead
Speaker 1: to the constriction of nerve endings in our muscles that
Speaker 1: causes basically low grade muscle and back pain. But it
Speaker 1: can also result in the destruction of tea cells, meaning
Speaker 1: that we get sick more often our immune system is lowered,
Speaker 1: things like hypertension as well substance abuse, depression, anxiety. What
Speaker 1: he basically says is that your resentment is making you sick.
Speaker 1: But does that mean that we need to go with
Speaker 1: the path of instant forgiveness. I think that we can
Speaker 1: move through it. So let's talk about the ways that
Speaker 1: we can release our resentment. Firstly, there are so much
Speaker 1: that can be repaired by being open and soft and
Speaker 1: communicating how you're feeling. If this person is a friend
Speaker 1: that you've never had an issue with before, or they
Speaker 1: are a really loving partner or a sibling, the best option,
Speaker 1: and I know it is one that often requires us
Speaker 1: to swallow our pride, is to talk about why you're
Speaker 1: feeling that way and to try and gain some perspective.
Speaker 1: There is this technique currently being studied at UC Berkeley
Speaker 1: called self distancing that I think helps us put ourselves
Speaker 1: into the lives and into the shoes of others. What
Speaker 1: you do with self distancing is replay the event, but
Speaker 1: from a third person perspective instead of from your perspective. So,
Speaker 1: in their research, the authors asked participants to recall a
Speaker 1: conflict from a close personal relationship that was still unresolved
Speaker 1: and that was upsetting, you know. Some people recalled the
Speaker 1: situation from a first person perspective with they were right
Speaker 1: there in the moment with the other person, and other
Speaker 1: people were asked to use self distancing, and they were
Speaker 1: asked to recall the situation from a third person point
Speaker 1: of view, as if they were kind of like a
Speaker 1: fly on the wall, like Okay, what did you do?
Speaker 1: And then what did they do, which was kind of
Speaker 1: counter to the opposite perspective, the first person perspective, which
Speaker 1: was very much okay, what did you feel, what did
Speaker 1: you observe? What was your interpretation? And what they found
Speaker 1: is that participants who used self distancing experienced much less
Speaker 1: intense emotional and physical reactions. Physically, they had a lower
Speaker 1: rise in blood pressure, and even if their blood pressure
Speaker 1: did rise, it went back to the baseline quicker. And emotionally,
Speaker 1: they felt less triggered and less kind of heightened and
Speaker 1: stressed overall. And here's the kicker. The people who experienced
Speaker 1: and who were asked to institute self distancing, they actually
Speaker 1: ended up experiencing more closure. They were more motivated to
Speaker 1: find a resolution with the other person, not just by
Speaker 1: immediately offering forgiveness, but by seeing how the other person acted,
Speaker 1: and not just being able to have empathy for that,
Speaker 1: but for kind of seeing things more holistically, more realistically
Speaker 1: maybe that's a better word, more realistically. It is really
Speaker 1: hard to lose a relationship, even if the pain happens
Speaker 1: over time. I think there is less pain if you
Speaker 1: have determined that the relationship is worth saving with just
Speaker 1: biting the bullet, and it shows the sense of self respect.
Speaker 1: People shouldn't need a reminder of how to treat you,
Speaker 1: let's just say that. But maybe they need a reminder
Speaker 1: of how you perceive their actions as meaning one thing
Speaker 1: when maybe they do mean something else. Or maybe there
Speaker 1: is a gap between what you're expecting from someone and
Speaker 1: what they're able to give you. This is something you know,
Speaker 1: I've quite frankly discovered with friends. Instead of resenting them
Speaker 1: for you know, not showing up for me the way
Speaker 1: that I want, not making plans every weekend, maybe flaking
Speaker 1: on plans. I just reel back my expectations for them,
Speaker 1: and I lower the stakes of our friendship. The person
Speaker 1: is still part of my life. It's not like I
Speaker 1: think they're terrible and neglectful and deserve no second chances.
Speaker 1: It's actually that I realize I can't control their behavior,
Speaker 1: but I'm just going to be more realistic and therefore
Speaker 1: less disappointed. The resentment also fades, which I think, honestly
Speaker 1: is the main goal here. I just think that a
Speaker 1: lot of the time, if you can't overcome the resentment,
Speaker 1: if you feel like they keep not meeting your expectations,
Speaker 1: it's time to lower your expectations, and it's time to
Speaker 1: let that person. Give that person less opportunities to fail
Speaker 1: you by kind of reducing their importance in your life.
Speaker 1: You know, obviously, if this is your boyfriend or your partner,
Speaker 1: that's not an option, because reducing your expectations sometimes means
Speaker 1: reducing your expectation for what you deserve. So there is
Speaker 1: obviously a judgment call here. There is a judgment call
Speaker 1: if it is someone who is particularly close to you,
Speaker 1: maybe that is the thing to remind yourself, I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have to tell someone what I deserve. I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: to tell someone how to treat me. Is that a
Speaker 1: sign that your resentment is an emotional warning? Honestly, I
Speaker 1: don't think that I can answer that for all of
Speaker 1: you individually, but I do want to give you some
Speaker 1: final tips about how to heal through your resentment from
Speaker 1: the psychologist doctor Susan Albers. So, firstly, locate your resentment
Speaker 1: in the mind. Why do you feel resentment? And track
Speaker 1: back to a specific behavior and what was it about
Speaker 1: the behavior that perhaps showed you that something that you
Speaker 1: cared about was not being respected in that moment. Then
Speaker 1: once you've located it in the mind, located in the body,
Speaker 1: where are you feeling this? Where is the tension? Where
Speaker 1: is the exhaustion felt by your resentment? And right about
Speaker 1: it is the reason this feels particularly brutal because there's
Speaker 1: some history. There is there a former offense or experience
Speaker 1: that made you feel neglected or hurt in the past,
Speaker 1: And is that why this feels particularly rough? If that
Speaker 1: is so, you know, the saying about for me twice,
Speaker 1: for me three times, maybe they don't deserve another chance
Speaker 1: reinforce what it is to you that you do and
Speaker 1: don't deserve. You deserve respect, you deserve kindness, you deserve reciprocity,
Speaker 1: you deserve generosity and love. And if that person, if
Speaker 1: this resentment is coming from a place where you don't
Speaker 1: feel like they gave you that and they don't respect
Speaker 1: your needs, that's definitely going to be a bigger conversation.
Speaker 1: Does it involve step back from the relationship, explaining to
Speaker 1: the person. Why does it involve being like, Okay, hey,
Speaker 1: this is my interpretation. Can you explain, can you talk
Speaker 1: to me, can you talk me through this? Or does
Speaker 1: it involve something else? I think above all else, we
Speaker 1: don't want to feel burdened by an emotional reaction that
Speaker 1: we can't control, right, Like, That's the main thing we're
Speaker 1: saying here. Resentment is not helpful beneficial when you let
Speaker 1: it sit in your body and sit in your mind
Speaker 1: and you ruminate on it and you never reach a resolution.
Speaker 1: So that's where I think writing about it really helps.
Speaker 1: It brings clarity, but it also brings you some more peace.
Speaker 1: You know, it makes the feeling tangible and therefore offers
Speaker 1: you a release. So next really accept the feeling and
Speaker 1: think about the above options, will your life improve if
Speaker 1: you cling on to this feeling, or would you be
Speaker 1: better moving on and finding a way to you know,
Speaker 1: either release, either harbor or ignore. Hopefully you choose release,
Speaker 1: and finally that release comes from deciding what you're going
Speaker 1: to do. Are you going to self distance? Are you
Speaker 1: going to discuss are you going to lower expectations? I
Speaker 1: think that's a big one when it comes to things
Speaker 1: like work, right, Like, yeah, you know what I feel
Speaker 1: like my expectations towards this workplace so that they think
Speaker 1: of me as family. Obviously they've shown me that they
Speaker 1: don't or are my expectation is that I would get
Speaker 1: promoted or that they cared about my work? Obviously they don't.
Speaker 1: Lower your expectations, lower your effort or are you're going
Speaker 1: to channel this into something positive? Are you going to
Speaker 1: channel this into moving forward and finding you know, if
Speaker 1: it's a partner who has cheated on you, finding someone new.
Speaker 1: Basically that's up to you, right, But the one thing
Speaker 1: I want you to take away from this resentment is
Speaker 1: an alarm. Resentment is teaching you something and you need
Speaker 1: to choose a way to move forward with it. That
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily involve forgiveness, but does involve peace for yourself,
Speaker 1: whatever the circumstance, and maybe a bonus takeaway. I do
Speaker 1: think that talking about our feelings when it does seem
Speaker 1: necessary is very brave and courageous and is the thing
Speaker 1: that you should do. I don't want you to be
Speaker 1: sacrificing relationships from a place of resentment before you even
Speaker 1: understand everything that needs to be known and everybody's interpretation
Speaker 1: and what they're bringing to the situation, if that is
Speaker 1: right for you. So I really hope that this episode helped.
Speaker 1: I hope that you just understand resentment a little bit
Speaker 1: more and you understand that it is not a bad
Speaker 1: or an ugly or a negative emotion as some would
Speaker 1: like to call it. It is not entitlement. It comes
Speaker 1: from a place of self respect and knowing what you deserve,
Speaker 1: which is a good thing. As always, if you did
Speaker 1: enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five
Speaker 1: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening
Speaker 1: right now. Make sure that you are following along for
Speaker 1: future episodes, and if you have a suggestion for a
Speaker 1: topic that you would like to cover around the psychology
Speaker 1: of our twenties, I would love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: At that Psychology podcast. Until next time, remember to stay safe,
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, especially when
Speaker 1: it comes to resentment. We've talked about some heavy stuff
Speaker 1: today and until next time. We will talk very very soon.