1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:27,160 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. All right, 9 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: we talk a lot about emotions on this podcast. That 10 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,200 Speaker 1: is basically my bread and butter. We've spoken about anger 11 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: and envy and heartbreak, happiness, everything in between. But one 12 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: that we have missed all this time is resentment. And 13 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,080 Speaker 1: I was kind of thinking about why, and the reason 14 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: I came to is probably because it's kind of an 15 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,080 Speaker 1: ugly emotion, at least that is what I think society 16 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: would like to convince us. Resentment is that deep sense 17 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: that we have been wronged, that we have been double crossed, treated, 18 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:20,479 Speaker 1: unfairly mistreated, and sometimes people confuse that with entitlement and 19 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,039 Speaker 1: feeling like we deserve more or better than what we 20 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: have received. I tend to disagree. I think the root 21 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 1: of resentment is respect and a sense of fairness, and 22 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,559 Speaker 1: when we feel resentful of somebody, it shows that we 23 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: respect ourselves enough and we have enough sense of self 24 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 1: worth and self esteem to know when somebody has crossed 25 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 1: the line. We're not always the best at handling that resentment, though, 26 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: even if it does come from a justified place, it 27 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: can sometimes blind us, blind us with disappointment, blind us 28 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 1: with anger or bitterness. It can cause us to lash 29 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 1: out or sometimes to end relationships we otherwise would have saved. 30 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:09,480 Speaker 1: I think it's the behavioral response to resentment that is 31 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,919 Speaker 1: what we see is ugly. But more than that, it's 32 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 1: our shame. It's our shame around how our resentment causes 33 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: us to act and to behave So few of us 34 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: have been really taught how to manage reactions like the 35 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 1: ones caused by resentment, and what can emerge is a 36 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,839 Speaker 1: pattern of suppression and eventually explosion. I've been considering this 37 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: a lot in my own life recently, especially when it 38 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 1: comes down to friendship, and it's something I know I 39 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: really have to reach some kind of peace with, you know, 40 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable for a second. I think I've definitely 41 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 1: been feeling a bit of resentment around feeling taken advantage of, 42 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 1: or like my efforts and some of my friendships have 43 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: been taken for granted recently, and it's left me feeling 44 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,239 Speaker 1: kind of bitter and unacknowledged. Unacknowledged is probably the best 45 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 1: word for it. And what I've come to realize is 46 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: that when it comes to resentment, you have three options, 47 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: and only one of them is actually helpful. You can 48 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 1: let it control you, which often means fixating on past 49 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: grievances or trying to justify your emotions, not letting bygones 50 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: be bygones. You can let it consume your life and 51 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: your relationships without ever giving anybody the opportunity to address 52 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 1: it or to give you a differing version of reality. 53 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: You could ignore it, which is basically the same as 54 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,200 Speaker 1: the above. It just delays the inevitable. It's going to 55 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:36,160 Speaker 1: produce the same outcome. Your resentment will take control and 56 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: most likely result in some kind of loss. It's not 57 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:42,080 Speaker 1: to say that sometimes that's necessary, sometimes people have wronged 58 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: you and your resentment is coming from a healthy place. 59 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: But the final option, and I think that involves the 60 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: example I just gave, is sitting with it, validating your 61 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 1: response and why it was only natural to kind of 62 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: feel that way given the circumstances. You can really take 63 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: away the shame of feeling and what others might call 64 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: entitled or what others might call ugly, and a step 65 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: beyond that you can address it with those around you. 66 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 1: I think maturing is realizing that bringing up grievances or 67 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: slights or problems is actually one of the biggest signs 68 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,040 Speaker 1: that you truly care about the other person. You care 69 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,720 Speaker 1: about the relationship, but also you care about yourself enough 70 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: to endure the awkwardness and the tension of trying to 71 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 1: improve things. You know, it really does show a commitment 72 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: to wanting to be there, or at least a commitment 73 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: to giving yourself some kind of answer. So I think 74 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,919 Speaker 1: resentment is such a maze. It's such a complicated emotion 75 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 1: Let's talk about how we can navigate it today. I 76 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: want to speak on its psychological origins, its purpose. You know, 77 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 1: even though it's a quote unquote ugly emotion, we know 78 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 1: all emotions have a function, but also its consequences and 79 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: its expression. How we can find a healthy resolution despite 80 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:02,719 Speaker 1: our of a knee jerk reaction to lash out in 81 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 1: response to resentment, whatever it is that has called you 82 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: to this episode, whether it is a lack of recognition 83 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 1: at your job, an unequal friendship or relationship, and unresolved conflict, 84 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,720 Speaker 1: a broken promise. I hope you can find some answers, 85 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: and if not, at least you find some clarity and 86 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 1: some information. So, without further ado, let's get into it. 87 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: Resentment has a lot of different sources, the biggest one 88 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 1: being a sense of unfairness or mistreatment. As we spoke 89 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 1: of before, each of us has some kind of perception 90 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:45,480 Speaker 1: about how we should be treated and what we deserve 91 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: from those around us. It's something that we develop pretty 92 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 1: early on by watching how others are treated, experiencing how 93 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: our parents treat us, what they tell us is right 94 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: or wrong, how we feel when we are treated poorly, 95 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: and of course our self esteem and our sense of 96 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: self worth, things that we commonly believe we deserve are 97 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,719 Speaker 1: pretty basic. I would say these aren't controversial. Every single 98 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:15,039 Speaker 1: person alive today deserves respect and recognition, deserves kindness, reciprocity. 99 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: You know, we want to feel like our emotional, physical, social, mental, 100 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,279 Speaker 1: all those contributions are matched. We want to feel valued 101 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: and loved and cared for. These are often our basics, 102 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 1: the bare minimum of what is expected from others as 103 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: a human being. And if you have a healthy sense 104 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: of self esteem and sense of self worth, you don't 105 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,040 Speaker 1: feel like it's too much to ask for for people 106 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: to meet these emotional needs or these basics of respect, 107 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 1: knowing that you would treat them the same way. These 108 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 1: are as I said, the fundamentals, the most basic things. Obviously, 109 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 1: the more we trust someone, the more we may come 110 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: to expect from them, Yes, you know your boyfriend or 111 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,040 Speaker 1: your best friend and a stranger on the street, we 112 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 1: could both show you respect and kindness, but we might 113 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 1: expect our best friend to show us things like generosity, 114 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: more reciprocity, more kindness than we would expect from a stranger. 115 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: Studies have shown that resentment is most powerful when it 116 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: is felt towards someone close to us. We are less 117 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 1: likely to experience as intense amount of resentment towards that 118 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: stranger than towards someone that we love, because our expectations 119 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: of them and our trust in them is more significant 120 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 1: is higher. Essentially, resentment emerges when our expectations about how 121 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: we should be treated based on the individual, based on 122 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: the context and our actions, Our expectations are not met, 123 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: and this can be triggered by a number of experiences, 124 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 1: like being taken advantage of. Maybe you're always paying for everything, 125 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:01,119 Speaker 1: you are always giving people gifts, never getting thank yous, 126 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 1: You're always putting down gas money and never getting that reciprocated. 127 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: Another example is being put down or comments or criticisms 128 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: that you think are unfair. You feel like someone is 129 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: not seeing the situation the way you are or giving 130 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: you credit. You maybe resent them for an assumption that 131 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,720 Speaker 1: they've made about you without full information, or the fact 132 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 1: that they feel like you don't have enough self respect 133 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 1: and that you would allow them to speak to you 134 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 1: that way. Being dismissed, I think, also fits into this category. 135 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: Feeling overlooked or unheard, like it work when you put 136 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,560 Speaker 1: in the long hours and they don't turn into a 137 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 1: promotion or a pay rise. Having your feelings or you're 138 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: interested neglected by someone you thought would care is another 139 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: pretty serious example. An example of this that really comes 140 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 1: to mind for me is cheating. How can you not 141 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 1: feel resentment around something like that? Being so vulnerable and 142 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,640 Speaker 1: open and trusting someone, letting them see you and kind 143 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:06,560 Speaker 1: of finding out that perhaps they just don't care. I 144 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,079 Speaker 1: think this comes back to perhaps the biggest source of 145 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: personal and relational resentment, having these kinds of relationships with 146 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: people who insist that their needs are more important than 147 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 1: your own. It's interesting because a friend of mine was 148 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,960 Speaker 1: telling me the other day about how unfortunately her parents 149 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: are getting divorced after being married for nearly thirty odd years, 150 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 1: and she was really fine with me sharing the story, 151 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 1: but she was explaining to me that her mom had 152 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:39,120 Speaker 1: basically never recovered from being the one who gave up 153 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: her career and it was meant to be temporary, but 154 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:46,320 Speaker 1: you know, then her siblings were born, and eventually her 155 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,559 Speaker 1: dad basically had convinced her to stay at home permanently. 156 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 1: And here she was years later, feeling like she hadn't 157 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:59,640 Speaker 1: fulfilled her potential, harboring a decades long resentment around her 158 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 1: needs not being as important that she'd never really processed, 159 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,000 Speaker 1: you know, her needs were being put second. She had 160 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 1: these desires and these intentions for her life, and she 161 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 1: kind of resented I guess my friend's dad for never 162 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: taking them seriously. And I'm sure it's more complex than that, 163 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: but I think it's a really good example, and there 164 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,680 Speaker 1: are so many stories exactly like that one. The thing 165 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,439 Speaker 1: is that sometimes it's hard to express why you feel 166 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: the way that you feel. What is it about their 167 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: behavior that is insinuating, that's somewhere deep down they don't 168 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: respect you, or you feel like they don't see you, 169 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: or they don't care about you. Here's the thing, though, 170 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 1: You could search for that reason, or you could search 171 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,640 Speaker 1: for that example that has made you feel resentful your 172 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 1: whole life for months, for weeks, And I don't actually 173 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: think that you need a justification for your resentment to 174 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 1: still feel that way. You know, obviously you probably eventually 175 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 1: need to know why you're feeling mistreated to be able 176 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: to express that to the other person. But the explanation 177 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,959 Speaker 1: doesn't always come before the feeling. Normally, we feel resentful 178 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: before we realize where it has come from. Maybe I 179 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 1: should explain this a little bit better. Basically, the emotion 180 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: needs to come first before we can rationalize them. If 181 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: we think we need some reason to feel a certain 182 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 1: way to feel an emotion, we will always suppress or 183 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: diminish our feelings because our reaction always precedes our explanation 184 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,880 Speaker 1: if we ignore it. That is when we see so 185 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: many of the negative consequences that we were discussing before. 186 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,200 Speaker 1: So the signs that what you're feeling is actually a 187 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 1: symptom of resentment include anger that is the biggest reaction 188 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: to injustice that we probably come across. And you know, 189 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,199 Speaker 1: emotions are not solely confined to our minds. They also 190 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: take residence in our body, so we might feel physically tense, 191 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,800 Speaker 1: physically enraged. Our heart rate might go up in response 192 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 1: to an event or a situation that has made us 193 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: feel resentment. Hostility is another big one. One theory i 194 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,440 Speaker 1: read on this was that hostility is actually more of 195 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,559 Speaker 1: a protective mechanism to keep someone at a distance who 196 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 1: has hurt us by coming off cold or kind of 197 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: numbing ourselves to their presence or our own emotional reaction 198 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,600 Speaker 1: by shutting down. Basically, this person who's hurt us, we 199 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 1: don't want to let them in again, so we initiate 200 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 1: a sense of hostility to keep them at bay. Lashing 201 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 1: out is kind of like this as well. The reason 202 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: we often do this is a very primal urge to 203 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,520 Speaker 1: kind of fight back. You know, if someone is hurting 204 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 1: us in a way, lashing out shows them that we 205 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,040 Speaker 1: can cause them the same level of pain. So essentially 206 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: it's being like, don't mess with me. We respond to 207 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: the threat, as we would call it. It's very evolutionary, 208 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 1: a very instinctual explanation, but when we should definitely consider 209 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,959 Speaker 1: just a quick remind to hear all of those feeling 210 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,839 Speaker 1: of resentment are valid. If you feel like you have 211 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: been crossed, you're feeling a sense of injustice, that is 212 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 1: something that you should definitely interrogate. But that doesn't mean 213 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: that your behavior is valid. Hostility, lashing out, they might 214 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: feel comforting, but it's also unkind. So try and really 215 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:25,559 Speaker 1: think about why you have this impulse before you let 216 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 1: it rule you, before you let it control you. You 217 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,240 Speaker 1: don't want to suddenly be in a race to the bottom, 218 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 1: you know, each of you responding to the other with 219 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: even more negativity until the relationship is destroyed. You can 220 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: be upset and I think still be looking for a 221 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,679 Speaker 1: solution or be civil, or be able to respect yourself 222 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,840 Speaker 1: enough to not do something that you think will damage 223 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 1: you further in the future or damage that relationship further. 224 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,200 Speaker 1: So another symptom is withdrawal, feeling like if you just 225 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,360 Speaker 1: kind of fade out of their life, we don't really 226 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,680 Speaker 1: have to undue what is happening. We never really have 227 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,679 Speaker 1: to look for closure. Not the most mature solution, but again, 228 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,439 Speaker 1: we aren't necessarily acting from a place of maturity when 229 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: we feel resentment. We are acting from a place of 230 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: protection and impulse. What is going to make us feel better? 231 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: What is going to make us feel safest? Sometimes it's 232 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: emotional avoidance. Sometimes we also just don't have a choice 233 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,480 Speaker 1: if the damage is done, if this person has hurt us, 234 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 1: Sometimes the only way to get over that is to 235 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,600 Speaker 1: be like, no, I'm sorry, I'm I am fully done, 236 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 1: i am fully ready to separate myself from this situation, 237 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: and there is nothing you can say. Like I said before, 238 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: it's when these reactions are suppressed that our resentment becomes 239 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 1: most powerful. It's like putting a lid on a boiling pot. 240 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: The pot is still boiling. Eventually you're not going to 241 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 1: be able to hold it anymore. You cannot suppress your resentment. 242 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 1: And the solution to this is having a way to 243 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,560 Speaker 1: articulate what your feeling. Because if there is one thing 244 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: this episode leaves you with is that resentment is not 245 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: a nasty or a bad emotion when it's given its 246 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,440 Speaker 1: due respect. When we let it expand into entitlement and 247 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 1: revenge and vengefulness, then it becomes unhealthy. But when we, 248 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: you know, really get the chance to examine it, when 249 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: we are able to label it and name it, it 250 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,200 Speaker 1: actually serves a lot of healthy functions. I think it's 251 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: better to kind of think of your resentment, if we're 252 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: going to reframe this, think of your resentment as an 253 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 1: emotional alarm. It is an emotional symptom that something is 254 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: wrong with your relationship, with your circumstances, with your expectations. 255 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,360 Speaker 1: It's a red flag that needs your attention. But when 256 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: that is ignored, that is when it begins to consume 257 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: your mental and emotional energy. For example, you know, if 258 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: you're resenting your parents for I don't know, not coming 259 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: to see you over the holidays, or spending more time 260 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,760 Speaker 1: with your siblings, whatever it is, that is a sign 261 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: that you feel the relationship is unbalanced. That is the 262 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: red flag, that is the alarm. So address that here 263 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: their perspective, if you would like. I think when we 264 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: open up about our resentment, we naturally remove some of 265 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: its some would say selfish components, because resentment does tend 266 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 1: to blind us to other people's perspectives because it's very 267 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,120 Speaker 1: centered on our own experience. It's centered on our experiences, 268 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 1: our expectations, our emotions, and sometimes that can make us 269 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: blind to why somebody acted the way they did, not 270 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: out of cruelty, not out of a malicious place, but 271 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: just from an unaware place. You know, you might resent 272 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: your friend for being late because you feel like she 273 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 1: doesn't value your time, and that is going to remain 274 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: your interpretation. You are at the center, You are the 275 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: one who was aggrieved, unless you speak to her about 276 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,400 Speaker 1: it and you realize, you know, actually she's dealing with 277 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: a lot of work stress, she's over committing. It's not 278 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 1: that she doesn't value your time, that she doesn't value 279 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: or organize her time. And I've tended to find that 280 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 1: resentment fades with more information. Another explanation about why resentment 281 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,080 Speaker 1: can be beneficial is that it kind of reveals to 282 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 1: us what we value. We wouldn't have this visceral, intense 283 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,119 Speaker 1: kind of emotional reaction if we were apathetic towards our 284 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: circumstances or to what's going on, or to the person 285 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 1: that our resentment is directed towards. Like I said, if 286 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,320 Speaker 1: it's a stranger who's not showing you respect or generosity 287 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:39,720 Speaker 1: or reciprocity. You kind of don't care. The reason we 288 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,480 Speaker 1: feel resentment so strongly, especially when it comes to our 289 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: partners or our family, is because we have a sense 290 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:52,159 Speaker 1: of expecting more from them. If we value friendship, you know, 291 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,880 Speaker 1: we are going to resent our friends for not making 292 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: an effort or for canceling plans last minute, because we 293 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 1: value the friendship. If you value success and praise, you're 294 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,439 Speaker 1: going to resent not getting that or not getting the 295 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:10,280 Speaker 1: acknowledgment that you deserve for your hard work or your accomplishments. 296 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: If you value loyalty, you resent feeling like you've been 297 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,240 Speaker 1: put second behind somebody else. If you value freedom, I 298 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,439 Speaker 1: don't know, you will resent being caged or feeling like 299 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: you have lost your independence. So resentment serves as a 300 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,359 Speaker 1: clue for a what needs to change in our lives 301 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 1: to bring us peace and be what we value. And finally, 302 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: you know, some psychologists would suggest that it's a form 303 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: of protest. I know I mentioned this before, I'm kind 304 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,080 Speaker 1: of repeating myself, but it's basically a way for our 305 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 1: body and our mind to almost respond to an injustice 306 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:54,160 Speaker 1: by closing off emotionally, by depriving somebody access to us 307 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 1: by creating an emotional state that will influence our behavior. 308 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:04,679 Speaker 1: To avoid being hurt again, to avoid having our ego 309 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: kind of cross, to maintain our sense of self worth 310 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 1: and respect. So those are three theories as to why 311 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 1: we experience resentment so profoundly. It's an emotional alarm to 312 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,479 Speaker 1: something that needs to change in our lives. It is 313 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: a sign of what we care about, and it's a 314 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: way of protecting us. I want to offer one final 315 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 1: perspective here, and you know what, I don't agree with it, 316 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,160 Speaker 1: but maybe it will resonate with you. I think it's 317 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: important to always offer some other explanations. Just because they 318 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,359 Speaker 1: don't align with my beliefs doesn't mean there isn't some 319 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: truth in them. One of the leading psychologists and researchers 320 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 1: on resentment, doctor Steven Stonzi. He wrote some really fascinating 321 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 1: articles around his belief that resentment is actually quite selfish 322 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 1: and in his words, narcissistic. So he kind of believes 323 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,520 Speaker 1: that resentment actually shouldn't be normalized because it closes us 324 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 1: off from other and it makes us defensive. He says 325 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,720 Speaker 1: that resentment is like anger, it actually cuts us off 326 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: from higher emotions that would allow us to heal and repair. 327 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,280 Speaker 1: So when you experience resentment, it's best to kind of 328 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,719 Speaker 1: talk yourself out of it, to get over your ego, 329 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: to forgive and move forward. Listen. I get the sentiment. 330 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: I totally do, But I think that you can get 331 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 1: back to those higher emotions as he calls them, without 332 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,880 Speaker 1: suppressing those initial feelings that have come up. I kind 333 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,680 Speaker 1: of get where he's coming from. I think resentment is 334 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,360 Speaker 1: somewhat self centered, but not selfish. It's based on your reality, 335 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,000 Speaker 1: not on someone else's. That doesn't make it bad when 336 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: you don't have the closure from that experience and why 337 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,119 Speaker 1: it created resentment. When you are kind of told to 338 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,600 Speaker 1: just move on when you haven't worked through the why, 339 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,560 Speaker 1: I think you just re enter a cycle where you 340 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,640 Speaker 1: can never get to a more enlightened and positive space. Right, 341 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: you might just end up staying in relationships. But actually 342 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,720 Speaker 1: you have a real reason to feel resentful. You aren't 343 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,880 Speaker 1: treated with respect, you aren't given what you deserve. So 344 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,200 Speaker 1: actually you need to learn and listen to this feeling 345 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 1: because it is kind of guiding your life. It is 346 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: giving you an alarm to return to that former explanation 347 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 1: so that's another perspective. There's a couple of perspectives. Actually, 348 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,560 Speaker 1: you can choose which one you think best suits may 349 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 1: be the resentment that you experience. But the next question 350 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,080 Speaker 1: we obviously have is what do we do about it. 351 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,439 Speaker 1: We don't want resentment to rule our lives, but we 352 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 1: also can't avoid it. We can't just keep feeding the beast. 353 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,359 Speaker 1: We can't just keep suppressing it. So we're going to 354 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,640 Speaker 1: talk about how to move through it and so much 355 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:52,159 Speaker 1: more after this shortbreak. At the very beginning of this episode, 356 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,080 Speaker 1: I presented you with kind of three options for dealing 357 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,480 Speaker 1: with your resentment. You can harbor, you can ignore, or 358 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 1: you can release. I want to tell you about what 359 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: happens to your body and your emotional state and your 360 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: relationships if you choose number one or two. If you 361 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:14,359 Speaker 1: believe that resentment is better left unseen. As time goes on, 362 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 1: it builds up, and this causes a domino effect that 363 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: turns into anger, bitterness, disappointment, potentially hatred. That is really 364 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,680 Speaker 1: explosive to our relationships because when we don't express why 365 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,120 Speaker 1: we are hurt, why we are angry, we don't really 366 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 1: give the other person an opportunity to repair to reflect, 367 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:39,200 Speaker 1: to fix things. You know, basically you stone wall yourself 368 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,600 Speaker 1: and that relationship. There's no getting past it, which is 369 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 1: quite sad. Obviously, sometimes, like I said, you know, I 370 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: feel the need to justify this. Sometimes it's valid, sometimes 371 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,040 Speaker 1: it's necessary. But I think about a couple of friendships 372 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 1: I lost when I was a teenager in my very 373 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,800 Speaker 1: early twenties that I think I really could have saved 374 00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:01,639 Speaker 1: if I'd swallowed my pride and been honest about what 375 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,800 Speaker 1: I was finding issue with. You know, I never gave 376 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 1: those people the chance that I'm sure you know I 377 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,720 Speaker 1: now would, and that I'm sure some of my friends 378 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 1: have given me when I've messed up, when I've not 379 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 1: met the expectations for our relationship. It's kind of like 380 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,639 Speaker 1: the moment you feel resentment is the moment that the 381 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: relationship ends if your only option is to ignore it 382 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 1: or to harbor it. It can also have more long 383 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,919 Speaker 1: term effects, such as, you know, the development of a 384 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:34,719 Speaker 1: very hostile, cynical attitude derived from emotional pain, which can 385 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 1: eventually become a barrier against future healthy relationships. This is 386 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,920 Speaker 1: a hard one because inherent to letting go of our 387 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,960 Speaker 1: resentment is also an element of forgiveness and letting things 388 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: settle and be excused for your own sake. Let's be 389 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,919 Speaker 1: real for a second. There are some people we cannot 390 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 1: give that too. The transgression has been too great, the 391 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: hurt has been too much much. But in those moments, 392 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: it's important to remember that your resentment is there to 393 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,679 Speaker 1: protect you and to reinforce what you do deserve. But 394 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that it should numb you. It doesn't 395 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,919 Speaker 1: mean that it should hold you back, or that it 396 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,320 Speaker 1: should teach you that the world is harsh and that 397 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 1: people are inherently mean. You know, your resentment can be 398 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 1: reserved for that one person and resolved by taking the 399 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:32,240 Speaker 1: action to distance yourself without taking over. Chronic resentment, especially 400 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:36,199 Speaker 1: directed towards people who remain in your lives but with 401 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:41,680 Speaker 1: whom we never address, it can also start out emotional growth. 402 00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:45,360 Speaker 1: It creates a lot of difficulty in self disclosure, right 403 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: trouble trusting others. If we are constantly ruminating on this 404 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: instance in which we felt let down, or we felt 405 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,800 Speaker 1: kind of burned or excluded, or that made you feel 406 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,840 Speaker 1: like you were double cross whatever, it's gonna make you 407 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,720 Speaker 1: the kind of person who goes to trust other people 408 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: who goes to open up to other people and is 409 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:15,200 Speaker 1: reminded about this previous experience and immediately shuts down. That 410 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 1: is I think the emotional consequence that we have from shaming, 411 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,960 Speaker 1: our resentment, or from feeling like the only choice is 412 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,879 Speaker 1: either I have to forgive this person completely or I 413 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: have to just move on and suppress what I've gone through. 414 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: And it also has physical consequences, which I think we 415 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 1: don't often speak about in this conversation. If there is 416 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,400 Speaker 1: one thing we talk about so much on this podcast, 417 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,639 Speaker 1: it's that emotions have a physical form. I think if 418 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: you've ever read The Body Keeps the Score, you would 419 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,879 Speaker 1: know that I speak about it so often. I'm so 420 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 1: sorry to sound like you know a record on repeat, 421 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,600 Speaker 1: but more often than not, you know, emotions are not 422 00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: just restricted to our minds. They manifest in our body 423 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,359 Speaker 1: through tension, through stress, through the release of cortisol and 424 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 1: other stress hormones, through an increased heart rate or blood pressure. 425 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 1: And again, doctor Stoncy, who we spoke about before, he 426 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: actually did some further research on this back in twenty twelve. 427 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,720 Speaker 1: In twenty thirteen, and he found that in a number 428 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:24,520 Speaker 1: of patients that had prolonged chronic resentment. This can lead 429 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: to the constriction of nerve endings in our muscles that 430 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,800 Speaker 1: causes basically low grade muscle and back pain. But it 431 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: can also result in the destruction of tea cells, meaning 432 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,159 Speaker 1: that we get sick more often our immune system is lowered, 433 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,639 Speaker 1: things like hypertension as well substance abuse, depression, anxiety. What 434 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: he basically says is that your resentment is making you sick. 435 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,920 Speaker 1: But does that mean that we need to go with 436 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: the path of instant forgiveness. I think that we can 437 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,000 Speaker 1: move through it. So let's talk about the ways that 438 00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: we can release our resentment. Firstly, there are so much 439 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 1: that can be repaired by being open and soft and 440 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,960 Speaker 1: communicating how you're feeling. If this person is a friend 441 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: that you've never had an issue with before, or they 442 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 1: are a really loving partner or a sibling, the best option, 443 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,600 Speaker 1: and I know it is one that often requires us 444 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:22,200 Speaker 1: to swallow our pride, is to talk about why you're 445 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: feeling that way and to try and gain some perspective. 446 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,800 Speaker 1: There is this technique currently being studied at UC Berkeley 447 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,960 Speaker 1: called self distancing that I think helps us put ourselves 448 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,440 Speaker 1: into the lives and into the shoes of others. What 449 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 1: you do with self distancing is replay the event, but 450 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,720 Speaker 1: from a third person perspective instead of from your perspective. So, 451 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 1: in their research, the authors asked participants to recall a 452 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: conflict from a close personal relationship that was still unresolved 453 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,639 Speaker 1: and that was upsetting, you know. Some people recalled the 454 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 1: situation from a first person perspective with they were right 455 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 1: there in the moment with the other person, and other 456 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,879 Speaker 1: people were asked to use self distancing, and they were 457 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,600 Speaker 1: asked to recall the situation from a third person point 458 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: of view, as if they were kind of like a 459 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: fly on the wall, like Okay, what did you do? 460 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,159 Speaker 1: And then what did they do, which was kind of 461 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: counter to the opposite perspective, the first person perspective, which 462 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 1: was very much okay, what did you feel, what did 463 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,000 Speaker 1: you observe? What was your interpretation? And what they found 464 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:33,400 Speaker 1: is that participants who used self distancing experienced much less 465 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 1: intense emotional and physical reactions. Physically, they had a lower 466 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,479 Speaker 1: rise in blood pressure, and even if their blood pressure 467 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:47,320 Speaker 1: did rise, it went back to the baseline quicker. And emotionally, 468 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,560 Speaker 1: they felt less triggered and less kind of heightened and 469 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: stressed overall. And here's the kicker. The people who experienced 470 00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 1: and who were asked to institute self distancing, they actually 471 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:04,560 Speaker 1: ended up experiencing more closure. They were more motivated to 472 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: find a resolution with the other person, not just by 473 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: immediately offering forgiveness, but by seeing how the other person acted, 474 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: and not just being able to have empathy for that, 475 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 1: but for kind of seeing things more holistically, more realistically 476 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 1: maybe that's a better word, more realistically. It is really 477 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,960 Speaker 1: hard to lose a relationship, even if the pain happens 478 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:32,120 Speaker 1: over time. I think there is less pain if you 479 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 1: have determined that the relationship is worth saving with just 480 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,280 Speaker 1: biting the bullet, and it shows the sense of self respect. 481 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: People shouldn't need a reminder of how to treat you, 482 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: let's just say that. But maybe they need a reminder 483 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: of how you perceive their actions as meaning one thing 484 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 1: when maybe they do mean something else. Or maybe there 485 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 1: is a gap between what you're expecting from someone and 486 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: what they're able to give you. This is something you know, 487 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 1: I've quite frankly discovered with friends. Instead of resenting them 488 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 1: for you know, not showing up for me the way 489 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 1: that I want, not making plans every weekend, maybe flaking 490 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 1: on plans. I just reel back my expectations for them, 491 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 1: and I lower the stakes of our friendship. The person 492 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: is still part of my life. It's not like I 493 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: think they're terrible and neglectful and deserve no second chances. 494 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 1: It's actually that I realize I can't control their behavior, 495 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 1: but I'm just going to be more realistic and therefore 496 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,840 Speaker 1: less disappointed. The resentment also fades, which I think, honestly 497 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 1: is the main goal here. I just think that a 498 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 1: lot of the time, if you can't overcome the resentment, 499 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: if you feel like they keep not meeting your expectations, 500 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 1: it's time to lower your expectations, and it's time to 501 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 1: let that person. Give that person less opportunities to fail 502 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 1: you by kind of reducing their importance in your life. 503 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: You know, obviously, if this is your boyfriend or your partner, 504 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:04,000 Speaker 1: that's not an option, because reducing your expectations sometimes means 505 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:08,080 Speaker 1: reducing your expectation for what you deserve. So there is 506 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 1: obviously a judgment call here. There is a judgment call 507 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,720 Speaker 1: if it is someone who is particularly close to you, 508 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,240 Speaker 1: maybe that is the thing to remind yourself, I shouldn't 509 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: have to tell someone what I deserve. I shouldn't have 510 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: to tell someone how to treat me. Is that a 511 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:30,080 Speaker 1: sign that your resentment is an emotional warning? Honestly, I 512 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 1: don't think that I can answer that for all of 513 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 1: you individually, but I do want to give you some 514 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:39,720 Speaker 1: final tips about how to heal through your resentment from 515 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 1: the psychologist doctor Susan Albers. So, firstly, locate your resentment 516 00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,800 Speaker 1: in the mind. Why do you feel resentment? And track 517 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 1: back to a specific behavior and what was it about 518 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,440 Speaker 1: the behavior that perhaps showed you that something that you 519 00:31:55,560 --> 00:32:00,960 Speaker 1: cared about was not being respected in that moment. Then 520 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: once you've located it in the mind, located in the body, 521 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: where are you feeling this? Where is the tension? Where 522 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 1: is the exhaustion felt by your resentment? And right about 523 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,600 Speaker 1: it is the reason this feels particularly brutal because there's 524 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:20,040 Speaker 1: some history. There is there a former offense or experience 525 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,880 Speaker 1: that made you feel neglected or hurt in the past, 526 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:28,480 Speaker 1: And is that why this feels particularly rough? If that 527 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,840 Speaker 1: is so, you know, the saying about for me twice, 528 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,960 Speaker 1: for me three times, maybe they don't deserve another chance 529 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,920 Speaker 1: reinforce what it is to you that you do and 530 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:44,040 Speaker 1: don't deserve. You deserve respect, you deserve kindness, you deserve reciprocity, 531 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,840 Speaker 1: you deserve generosity and love. And if that person, if 532 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 1: this resentment is coming from a place where you don't 533 00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 1: feel like they gave you that and they don't respect 534 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 1: your needs, that's definitely going to be a bigger conversation. 535 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,680 Speaker 1: Does it involve step back from the relationship, explaining to 536 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,520 Speaker 1: the person. Why does it involve being like, Okay, hey, 537 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,040 Speaker 1: this is my interpretation. Can you explain, can you talk 538 00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: to me, can you talk me through this? Or does 539 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: it involve something else? I think above all else, we 540 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,240 Speaker 1: don't want to feel burdened by an emotional reaction that 541 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,600 Speaker 1: we can't control, right, Like, That's the main thing we're 542 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:24,640 Speaker 1: saying here. Resentment is not helpful beneficial when you let 543 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 1: it sit in your body and sit in your mind 544 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:29,560 Speaker 1: and you ruminate on it and you never reach a resolution. 545 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,240 Speaker 1: So that's where I think writing about it really helps. 546 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,160 Speaker 1: It brings clarity, but it also brings you some more peace. 547 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,120 Speaker 1: You know, it makes the feeling tangible and therefore offers 548 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:43,040 Speaker 1: you a release. So next really accept the feeling and 549 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 1: think about the above options, will your life improve if 550 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,320 Speaker 1: you cling on to this feeling, or would you be 551 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,720 Speaker 1: better moving on and finding a way to you know, 552 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 1: either release, either harbor or ignore. Hopefully you choose release, 553 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,719 Speaker 1: and finally that release comes from deciding what you're going 554 00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,400 Speaker 1: to do. Are you going to self distance? Are you 555 00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,320 Speaker 1: going to discuss are you going to lower expectations? I 556 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:09,919 Speaker 1: think that's a big one when it comes to things 557 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,919 Speaker 1: like work, right, Like, yeah, you know what I feel 558 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,799 Speaker 1: like my expectations towards this workplace so that they think 559 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 1: of me as family. Obviously they've shown me that they 560 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,600 Speaker 1: don't or are my expectation is that I would get 561 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,560 Speaker 1: promoted or that they cared about my work? Obviously they don't. 562 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,880 Speaker 1: Lower your expectations, lower your effort or are you're going 563 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,200 Speaker 1: to channel this into something positive? Are you going to 564 00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: channel this into moving forward and finding you know, if 565 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,759 Speaker 1: it's a partner who has cheated on you, finding someone new. 566 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 1: Basically that's up to you, right, But the one thing 567 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,360 Speaker 1: I want you to take away from this resentment is 568 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:47,360 Speaker 1: an alarm. Resentment is teaching you something and you need 569 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 1: to choose a way to move forward with it. That 570 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:54,880 Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily involve forgiveness, but does involve peace for yourself, 571 00:34:55,000 --> 00:35:00,800 Speaker 1: whatever the circumstance, and maybe a bonus takeaway. I do 572 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:05,359 Speaker 1: think that talking about our feelings when it does seem 573 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: necessary is very brave and courageous and is the thing 574 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,360 Speaker 1: that you should do. I don't want you to be 575 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: sacrificing relationships from a place of resentment before you even 576 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:20,960 Speaker 1: understand everything that needs to be known and everybody's interpretation 577 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,960 Speaker 1: and what they're bringing to the situation, if that is 578 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: right for you. So I really hope that this episode helped. 579 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,719 Speaker 1: I hope that you just understand resentment a little bit 580 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: more and you understand that it is not a bad 581 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 1: or an ugly or a negative emotion as some would 582 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: like to call it. It is not entitlement. It comes 583 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 1: from a place of self respect and knowing what you deserve, 584 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,520 Speaker 1: which is a good thing. As always, if you did 585 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,120 Speaker 1: enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five 586 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:49,080 Speaker 1: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening 587 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,840 Speaker 1: right now. Make sure that you are following along for 588 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 1: future episodes, and if you have a suggestion for a 589 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,680 Speaker 1: topic that you would like to cover around the psychology 590 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 1: of our twenties, I would love to hear from you. 591 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:05,520 Speaker 1: At that Psychology podcast. Until next time, remember to stay safe, 592 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:09,080 Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, especially when 593 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,280 Speaker 1: it comes to resentment. We've talked about some heavy stuff 594 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,520 Speaker 1: today and until next time. We will talk very very soon.