Speaker 1: Are you leaving?
Speaker 2: I you want your way back home?
Speaker 1: Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: much baggage you.
Speaker 3: Claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.
Speaker 2: We want to send you off inside.
Speaker 1: We wanna welcome you back home.
Speaker 3: Tell us all about it.
Speaker 2: We scared? Or was it fine?
Speaker 3: Malcorn?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do your need you ride?
Speaker 2: Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need
Speaker 2: to ride?
Speaker 1: This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgaroff.
Speaker 2: Hello my friend Karen.
Speaker 1: Hi Chris.
Speaker 2: I did uh what everyone should do to get in
Speaker 2: a good mood, to get ready to podcast?
Speaker 4: I uh, I watched the news and it just put
Speaker 4: a spring in my stuff.
Speaker 1: What are you doing?
Speaker 2: I'm judy glad. I'm so glad.
Speaker 4: I don't have a job where I like, you have
Speaker 4: to stay abreast of current events and then write jokes
Speaker 4: for Jimmy Fallon or something.
Speaker 2: What do we do for the Putin Dunking booth? We
Speaker 2: have to have jokes like I don't.
Speaker 4: I'm so glad I don't have because it really bummed
Speaker 4: out and then uh so, then I watched stand up
Speaker 4: Others two specials that are amazing right now. One of
Speaker 4: them is really convenient because it's by our guest today.
Speaker 4: The first one, though, She Wang has a great special
Speaker 4: that i've I've I've watched it twice now, just because
Speaker 4: it is light and like well written, observed it like
Speaker 4: observatory jokes.
Speaker 2: You know, he wrote it up in Griffith Park.
Speaker 1: It's light and easy.
Speaker 3: Is it like a croissant of comedy, Like it's real
Speaker 3: airy and buttery.
Speaker 2: It I yeah, it flakes, It flakes when you pull
Speaker 2: on it.
Speaker 1: It takes jam well.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, it's absorbent.
Speaker 4: I when I watched it, I was like, well that
Speaker 4: it's He's It's what I was doing because of everything
Speaker 4: I wrote over the pandemic was like COVID related or
Speaker 4: shut down related, and I was like, well, no one
Speaker 4: wants to hear about that anymore. So I was like,
Speaker 4: I gotta I gotta do what Shang's doing. Then I
Speaker 4: watched Patents special and then I just realized.
Speaker 2: No, you can. You can do those jokes. They just
Speaker 2: have to be really good.
Speaker 3: Here's the thing that here's a mistake I made coming
Speaker 3: up in San Francisco. I would see Patton a lot
Speaker 3: because we moved there, I think within months of each other. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And what I would do is watch Patent on stage
Speaker 3: and go, I have to do what he's doing, and that's.
Speaker 1: Impossible to do.
Speaker 3: And I would sit down in cafes and sit and
Speaker 3: then write a topic croissance and then I would expect
Speaker 3: a chunk to fall out of my brain and onto
Speaker 3: the page. It was so ridiculous. And I've done it
Speaker 3: for so long watching him yea. And it is such
Speaker 3: a setup because no one's brain works like that, and
Speaker 3: also he works on it really hard, so you're not
Speaker 3: going to get the chunk when you're sitting in the
Speaker 3: toy boat going like I'm as.
Speaker 1: Good as those guys act, and it's like you're not
Speaker 1: going to get it all at once.
Speaker 2: It doesn't.
Speaker 1: It actually takes years to do.
Speaker 2: It this way.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I'm not going to try and do it
Speaker 4: his way, but I Patent's special made me want.
Speaker 2: To just work harder at that writing, and anyway.
Speaker 3: It should make you want to work smarter. So that's
Speaker 3: actually we should go.
Speaker 2: Over all, like more efficiently.
Speaker 4: I should multitask while making my writing my jokes just.
Speaker 3: If you can lean, you can clean. Was supposed to
Speaker 3: be the message you got out of guns.
Speaker 1: That ispcial. So I don't know. We'll talk to him.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to him about it.
Speaker 2: He's we can do it right now, yeap, our guest today, Karen.
Speaker 3: Has played clubs and colleges this great country and he
Speaker 3: is here with us now and we're honored and we're
Speaker 3: thrilled because we don't get to see him that off
Speaker 3: and it's Patton Oswald.
Speaker 1: Everybody.
Speaker 5: Yay, Chris, Karen, thank you so much for letting me
Speaker 5: be on the podcast.
Speaker 2: Yay.
Speaker 3: Of course, career are allowing you, you're allowing it.
Speaker 5: Finally, by I sent my letters. I was persistent, paid off,
Speaker 5: dang it.
Speaker 3: Persistent and polite. I said the two piece of stand
Speaker 3: up comedy.
Speaker 6: And here comes the third be so there you go.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry we did that thing where there's that couple
Speaker 4: of minutes where Karen and I riff.
Speaker 2: It's in parentheses.
Speaker 4: We're required to do it, and Patten's just sitting listening
Speaker 4: to us talk to him and he's unable to chime
Speaker 4: in because we haven't introduced him yet, and it's got
Speaker 4: to be painful.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. We did that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you haven't. Haven't passed me the clunch as it were. God,
Speaker 5: that was that was. That was such a nostalgic. When
Speaker 5: you said the toy Boat cafe on Clement, I remember
Speaker 5: us sitting in either the toy Boat, the Blue Danube
Speaker 5: or the Javasaurus all on Clement, and we'd be there
Speaker 5: all day with our notebooks, bitching about showbiz. Why aren't
Speaker 5: we on TV? Why aren't why are our careers going nowhere?
Speaker 5: I would give anything to have a free afternoon to
Speaker 5: sit in a coffee shop and don't have to be
Speaker 5: anywhere and just like literally five hours just sit and
Speaker 5: think about stuff.
Speaker 6: I would give anything to have that.
Speaker 2: I mean, I speak from current experience. It is pretty great.
Speaker 3: Well what I loved at the time, which really funny
Speaker 3: is literally most most of us had been doing stand
Speaker 3: up comedy under five years, right, and yet.
Speaker 1: It was like, this is fucked.
Speaker 3: Why aren't we famous where it's like, hey, how about
Speaker 3: you write more than five minutes of material exactly?
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, but.
Speaker 3: It's not all crowd work and talking to your friends, yes,
Speaker 3: in the in the weird little balcony, yeah, or.
Speaker 5: Talking about a shitty gig you just did in Lode.
Speaker 5: But you're only doing a bit for other comedians who
Speaker 5: all agree how bad the cask and cleaver is in
Speaker 5: low Dye. How come this isn't getting me on Letterman
Speaker 5: because you're you don't have a eight million friends watching
Speaker 5: Letterman that all know your shit?
Speaker 6: So why don't you write a joke?
Speaker 3: Local jokes get local works. So long, so long to
Speaker 3: learn it?
Speaker 5: Wow, I remember, look, listen, if I can extend the
Speaker 5: mutual appreciation Society for just a little bit, the I
Speaker 5: remember it marveling at you watching your bitch because whereas
Speaker 5: I was always about I've got You've got to engage
Speaker 5: the audience by exploring every possible facet of this, and
Speaker 5: you got the biggest laughs out of you would begin
Speaker 5: a story, but then the comedy would come from you
Speaker 5: openly disengaging with what was going on in that story, going,
Speaker 5: and then I just fuck fucked that. I don't want
Speaker 5: to be involved in it. Like you told a story
Speaker 5: about a woman telling you where you couldn't couldn't couldn't park,
Speaker 5: and it sounded like it was starting off on it
Speaker 5: this great, really funny character study of this woman, and
Speaker 5: then you just ended it with going and then she's like,
Speaker 5: you can't park here because this time, and then just quack.
Speaker 5: You just went quack like in your mind, that's how
Speaker 5: you just shut down the reality of the moment. And
Speaker 5: it was so real, and I was like, how the
Speaker 5: fuck did she just do it? She made the comedy
Speaker 5: about I know that I should tell you the story,
Speaker 5: but in the story, I disengaged and shut it down.
Speaker 6: And that's what's funny. And it was fucking hilarious.
Speaker 5: I just remember you just going whack, like you you
Speaker 5: boiled down this woman's rant. You to the word quack,
Speaker 5: which means and then Karen switched it off and the
Speaker 5: woman wasn't there anymore.
Speaker 3: I had to walk away. I was getting one more
Speaker 3: ticket that my dad was going to scream screaming thought
Speaker 3: it was so funny. Also, those were the times where
Speaker 3: most of my comedy came from just ripping off things
Speaker 3: my friends would say that I thought was funny. So
Speaker 3: it was like Dave Mesmer, John Frasier, all those people
Speaker 3: that I hung out with and worked at the Gap with,
Speaker 3: and it was like I would just get on stage
Speaker 3: and talk like I was talking to my friends, just
Speaker 3: going like, of course this is hilarious, where everybody else
Speaker 3: is like, oh no, we have there's a whole system
Speaker 3: you're supposed to be doing this. Yeah, there's a there's
Speaker 3: a whole math to it.
Speaker 5: Oh god, but it just it blew me away how
Speaker 5: you could engage people that way, because then you would
Speaker 5: see people go, fuck I do that, like I Actually,
Speaker 5: it's actually more real that you shut down and walk
Speaker 5: away from a situation than if you stay there and
Speaker 5: say a bunch of smarmy things of the person, because
Speaker 5: in real life that doesn't happen. In real life, you're like,
Speaker 5: get this person the fuck away from me. I'm just
Speaker 5: I'm not here anymore.
Speaker 6: Goodbye. Oh god, was so great, so real.
Speaker 1: I literally have no memory of that bit.
Speaker 2: Oh my, but I knew you wouldn't.
Speaker 5: Just when you said the word quack, it was like,
Speaker 5: oh that's what that woman became to her.
Speaker 6: Just it was perfect.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't do it.
Speaker 4: I'm trying my hardest to get Karen to start doing
Speaker 4: stand up again, Paton, I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 6: Like she doesn't have enough else going on in her life.
Speaker 4: She's like, I know, just gotta add to the plate
Speaker 4: and exhaust yourself.
Speaker 6: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3: I would love to do it if I had some
Speaker 3: sort of like a spine of an act that I
Speaker 3: could like go back to or whatever, But truly I
Speaker 3: just don't. I it feels like that kind of thing
Speaker 3: of like, what would I want to say that I
Speaker 3: haven't said on my fucking nineteen podcast exactly?
Speaker 5: Yeah, that people literally when when I say I had to,
Speaker 5: I will say in my special, there's a bit about
Speaker 5: me about my elliptical talking about how I've abandoned it,
Speaker 5: and it has It's like that guy got on me
Speaker 5: once and I saw that he had and when I
Speaker 5: originally bit, I said, oh, he downloaded a podcast.
Speaker 6: What's he listening to? Oh? My favorite murder?
Speaker 5: And when I said that, it got such a massive
Speaker 5: round of applause. It actually threw the rhythm off of
Speaker 5: the bit story into a podcast because your your cultists
Speaker 5: are everywhere. And also they felt a little let down
Speaker 5: when I would mention it and then go back into
Speaker 5: my bit and they're like, oh, we could have just
Speaker 5: talk about that, but oh okay, you know, like they oh,
Speaker 5: so I had to literally lose the name of your
Speaker 5: podcast in that bit.
Speaker 4: That's powerful And then you got a standing ovation with
Speaker 4: the mention of blue Apron commercials backfired again.
Speaker 2: Yep, yeah that I love that detail. Yeah.
Speaker 4: The only reason I keep asking Karen to start doing
Speaker 4: stand up again is to validate me. I get all
Speaker 4: this time, like it's one hundred percent okay. If you
Speaker 4: don't want to do stand up, I one hundred percent
Speaker 4: support it.
Speaker 3: I want to do stand up because I want the
Speaker 3: like applause and glory and attention. Oh, I just don't
Speaker 3: want to write bits that will be good enough to
Speaker 3: get me that. That's the problem. Is it? Like I'll
Speaker 3: stand on stage and quackity around all day long.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it won't.
Speaker 1: It won't be good.
Speaker 3: People will be like, Oh I kind of liked her
Speaker 3: podcast before, but not anymore.
Speaker 6: Oh, she's losing listeners. She's losing listeners.
Speaker 3: Don't please talk about murderer. I don't just stand there
Speaker 3: like this. We don't care what happened at the laundry mat.
Speaker 4: Paton, Like I was saying, did you feel pressure when
Speaker 4: you're talking about the lockdown or COVID or have jokes
Speaker 4: that you wrote during that time? Did you feel pressure
Speaker 4: that they needed to be did you feel the audience
Speaker 4: go I don't want to even hear about the topic uh,
Speaker 4: I you.
Speaker 5: Know I'm gonna I'll be very honestly. I didn't write
Speaker 5: anything during the lockdown. I didn't get anything done. I
Speaker 5: cannot write sitting down. I have to when i'm in it. Like,
Speaker 5: as Karen said, if I'm in a toy boat, a
Speaker 5: toy boat, jesus, I'm very well. I had a toy
Speaker 5: boat built in my office. What if I was like,
Speaker 5: who's the guy from the Simpsons, John Schwartzwelder who he
Speaker 5: would always write his Simpsons scripts at this specific booth
Speaker 5: and his specific diner.
Speaker 6: And then I think the.
Speaker 5: Diner like stopped allowing smoking inside. So he had a
Speaker 5: replica of the booth built in his house.
Speaker 1: But that's true.
Speaker 6: Yeah, he could sit in and smoke and write his scripts.
Speaker 6: I'm swear to God. Like he was like, this is
Speaker 6: where I do my best writing. So I built this
Speaker 6: booth in my house.
Speaker 2: Let's yeah.
Speaker 5: But I mean I have topics and ideas and I
Speaker 5: write down maybe where it can go, but I can't
Speaker 5: work it out unless it's in front of an audience.
Speaker 6: I don't go there blank and riff.
Speaker 5: I know what I want to talk about, But for
Speaker 5: some reason, my writing happens on stage so I had
Speaker 5: to wait until I could go back on stage. And
Speaker 5: at that point it was the only time we were
Speaker 5: talking about the pandemic and COVID was in the looking
Speaker 5: back in the like it was that feeling of well,
Speaker 5: we all made it through, and how is yours? Because
Speaker 5: mine wasn't good. I didn't do a good shutdown. I
Speaker 5: didn't do a good quarantine. I really went crazy.
Speaker 4: Yeah it really worked that. Those were my favorite bits
Speaker 4: of yours.
Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5: I embraced how completely unproductive I was, how zero personal growth,
Speaker 5: how there was absolute physical collapse. There was just an
Speaker 5: immediate disgusting weight gain. Weird, like I lost track of time.
Speaker 5: So I would like, I would like to take what
Speaker 5: I thought was a nap, but I had actually would
Speaker 5: sleep for eight hours, or I would go to sleep
Speaker 5: at ten o'clock thinking I'd slept all night, and I'd
Speaker 5: wait open as it was eleven pm, Like like everything
Speaker 5: was off. I was just a friggin' wreck.
Speaker 2: It's time travel naps. I did the same thing too.
Speaker 4: I ordered and then not what the good quality, just
Speaker 4: ordered weird rubber bands that I'm supposed to like stand
Speaker 4: on a ball and lit like all the exercise equipment exercise.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, and I did for like three days. I'm
Speaker 4: like and even was like, yeah, I'm starting to notice results,
Speaker 4: and then just I'm one of them.
Speaker 3: Couch now strongest memories, I think right at the beginning,
Speaker 3: when the shutdown was coming, it went from like a
Speaker 3: kind of a weird funny thing on Twitter to like,
Speaker 3: this is really happening. And then I just remember standing
Speaker 3: in the kitchen staring out the window and going, this
Speaker 3: is super weird. No one's ever gone through it before.
Speaker 3: You might go crazy. Yeah, don't be like, just don't
Speaker 3: be mean to yourself. You can do whatever you want.
Speaker 3: You can eat ice cream, you can never move, you
Speaker 3: can whatever.
Speaker 1: Just don't be mean to.
Speaker 3: Yourself, because that's when I really fuck up, is when
Speaker 3: that voice in my head starts going like yeah whatever.
Speaker 3: So I was like, yeah, it's ice cream time. Guess
Speaker 3: what saltan straw. We're about to get to know each
Speaker 3: other really well. Flavor like delivered ice cream.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, Oh I had my boxes from Jenny's coming.
Speaker 6: Wait, I just the whole.
Speaker 5: Like they would they would announce a fall collection and
Speaker 5: I would be like, purchase entire collection.
Speaker 6: I don't even like Caffey flavors. I just want. I'm
Speaker 6: a completist. I want the whole collection. I want them.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 6: How did you have that wisdom that early though?
Speaker 5: Because I have the delusion of I mapped out what
Speaker 5: I was going to do, the amount of writing I
Speaker 5: gonna do. But you, I guess you just embraced the
Speaker 5: fact that, wait a minute, this is not going to
Speaker 5: go well for anyone. You're one of the lucky few
Speaker 5: that knew that going in, so you probably suffered less trauma.
Speaker 3: I think the people who are trauma raised, I think
Speaker 3: people who had like a sudden death early in their
Speaker 3: childhood or weird like big life shift kind of things.
Speaker 3: I mean, I think I've always been that way a
Speaker 3: little bit, where I'm like when people are like, no,
Speaker 3: we have to go do this, I'm the person that's
Speaker 3: always like, we absolutely don't have to do it.
Speaker 1: Just wait and see how we don't have to do this.
Speaker 1: And then when the like.
Speaker 3: Rule breaker kind of like not rule breaker, but just
Speaker 3: I got to see things early on where it's like
Speaker 3: these adults are faking it. Everything is a little bit
Speaker 3: everyone thing's a little bit fake, And so you don't
Speaker 3: have to be so worried about this stuff. But I
Speaker 3: knew that like the impact, because we'd already been through
Speaker 3: so much shit with this fucking Trump stuff in January sixth,
Speaker 3: like our realities just kept getting broken every day. So
Speaker 3: I was like, Okay, now we're doing a quarantine. Okay,
Speaker 3: the whole planet is gonna have a mild freak out.
Speaker 3: However that affects us all, whether it's some kind of
Speaker 3: untapped energy source we don't really know anything about, or
Speaker 3: this or the great what's that called? When we all
Speaker 3: share the consciousness.
Speaker 5: The yeah, gaya, Earth's gaya or the mass unconsciousness or
Speaker 5: some know ivor something.
Speaker 3: There's like a there's like a there's like a some
Speaker 3: kind of a person that tells you to journal where
Speaker 3: it's like we all share this same awareness and.
Speaker 1: We all creatively draw out of.
Speaker 3: The same awareness pool. Anyway, I was like, the awareness
Speaker 3: pool is fucked. Like someone just poured a bunch of
Speaker 3: less into the awareness pool.
Speaker 6: That's a great way to think of it.
Speaker 5: Like I was gonna sit in the sun for a
Speaker 5: little bit. I don't need to get in the pool
Speaker 5: for a while.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And just like so if we're if I'm going
Speaker 3: to be locked into my house with basically just two dogs,
Speaker 3: one of which then got lung cancer, where it was
Speaker 3: just like I was just like, Okay, this is gonna
Speaker 3: get really hard. Okay, well, and I just kept doing
Speaker 3: that where I was just like, okay, so nothing else
Speaker 3: can matter. You get like if you need to eat
Speaker 3: ice cream for dinner and that somehow is your maladaptive
Speaker 3: coping mechanism because your dog has bone cancer, go for it.
Speaker 3: Because at this point, no one's going to be back
Speaker 3: on you know, back on the starting line anytime soon.
Speaker 1: That is at least a two year APO.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why I was.
Speaker 4: I don't want to say the word thriving, but emotionally
Speaker 4: I felt just fine because there wasn't this looming. I
Speaker 4: don't consider myself competitive, but the fact that everything stopped
Speaker 4: for everyone, this weight was lifted off my shoulders, and
Speaker 4: it's like it doesn't matter what I do, no one's
Speaker 4: doing anything. I'm on Zoom shows that I feel shitty about,
Speaker 4: and then I want Stephen Colbert doing a Zoom version
Speaker 4: of his show in a sweaty panic show, and it
Speaker 4: gave me such joy to see him in that pan
Speaker 4: the same panic I'm having.
Speaker 2: Yep, Yeah, no one is fully thriving.
Speaker 4: I didn't realize that's what drove me other people's thriving.
Speaker 5: It was a psychological version of that comforting nihilism we
Speaker 5: all had in the eighties of yes, we're afraid of
Speaker 5: a nuclear war, but if it happens, we all go like,
Speaker 5: there won't be people that won't like in other words,
Speaker 5: we'll be lucky if we get killed immediately. It was
Speaker 5: this weird like, hey, if when I see the missiles,
Speaker 5: I will actually relax, like there's nothing.
Speaker 6: I can do.
Speaker 5: I'm actually every decision has been made for me for
Speaker 5: the rest of my life.
Speaker 6: I can relax.
Speaker 4: It's so funny that that was a fear from a
Speaker 4: fear from my childhood in the eighties, hiding under your desk,
Speaker 4: and just today watching the news, I was like, wait,
Speaker 4: where will I go. I guess that could still happen.
Speaker 4: I'll go to my garage. That's all that's a cement box.
Speaker 4: So yeah, I just have to undo the padlocks.
Speaker 6: Caring.
Speaker 5: You just reminded me because I was talking about this
Speaker 5: the other day, how you remind me of Kirsten Dunst
Speaker 5: and Laars von Trier's Melancholia, where it's about the world
Speaker 5: ending but the one person who handles it all with
Speaker 5: grace and dignity is the suicidally depressed character who's like,
Speaker 5: I'm actually ready for this, exactly like that. The other
Speaker 5: woman's like running across the golf course with their kid,
Speaker 5: like trying to survive, and Kirsten is.
Speaker 6: Like, ah, here we go. She's watching the sparks come
Speaker 6: off her hands, about to be.
Speaker 5: Cooked alive, Like she's the one person who dies pretty
Speaker 5: because she's ready for brids.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just don't fight it, just don't struggle. Well. Also here,
Speaker 3: this is a very melancholia esque. I remember watching that
Speaker 3: movie in the theater. I was in Chicago at the time,
Speaker 3: and I was just like, wow, I'm really relating to this.
Speaker 1: That was the feeling.
Speaker 3: Also, looking out my kitchen window and I have a
Speaker 3: really lovely view of the valley and there was not
Speaker 3: an ounce of smog. It was clear, yes a belt,
Speaker 3: it was like gorgeous nature. And I was like, this
Speaker 3: is the kind of thing that might make you go
Speaker 3: crazy because that's not normal, and that's really creepy and
Speaker 3: you're going to see it every day and it's going
Speaker 3: to slowly get under your skin, so keep your eye
Speaker 3: on not actually liking that, like I was doing that
Speaker 3: kind of stuff of like here when I was wiping
Speaker 3: down my cereal boxes, remember when we were all wiping down. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I was wiping down like Cheerio's box and saying
Speaker 3: to myself, this could definitely make you go, this is
Speaker 3: exactly the kind of thing that would make you spin out.
Speaker 3: And I just kind of kept doing that, and it
Speaker 3: was like the voice that's always been in my head
Speaker 3: going like that's not right and you're not good enough.
Speaker 3: Finally was fucking helping me where it was like, right, yeah,
Speaker 3: this could go bad. Don't don't freak out about this,
Speaker 3: because this could actually go like wiping down bags of
Speaker 3: pinto beans, I will never cook, Like, what's the plan?
Speaker 6: I was cleaning.
Speaker 5: I was doing a big book purge the other day. Oh,
Speaker 5: this is so pathetic. We have all these cookbooks which
Speaker 5: we've never opened, and right when the pandemic started. God,
Speaker 5: this is so embarrassing. So I have a book that
Speaker 5: jet Tila gave me one hundred recipes you must try
Speaker 5: before you die, and he's just this great cook and
Speaker 5: I had bookmarked right at the beginning of the pandemic
Speaker 5: the recipe for apple pie.
Speaker 6: I was going to teach myself to make apple pie, and.
Speaker 5: I was doing the book perch and I took it
Speaker 5: out and there was the bookmark, which I bookmarked it
Speaker 5: and never opened it again, never blocking nothing.
Speaker 6: It never happened.
Speaker 5: It was just this weird little marker of another thing
Speaker 5: I did not do.
Speaker 3: H delusion delusion distraction though. It was almost like it's
Speaker 3: when something scary is happening. Me and my sister and
Speaker 3: I always do this first where it's like okay, well,
Speaker 3: it's like that your voice goes up really high and
Speaker 3: you're like, I'm going to make an apple pie.
Speaker 1: That's what I'll do.
Speaker 3: And it's just like that's your version of kind of
Speaker 3: like action panic, where it's like, yes, this will do it,
Speaker 3: this will fix it.
Speaker 6: Yes.
Speaker 5: There was a great Onion headline the week after nine
Speaker 5: to eleven, and it was just like, not knowing what
Speaker 5: else to do, Mom bakes American flag cake, which is
Speaker 5: exactly it.
Speaker 6: That's you.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, that the panic, the panic chores and
Speaker 5: the panic joking when things go wrong. Yeah, that's that's
Speaker 5: very real. I'll do a load of dishes that don'll
Speaker 5: make things better.
Speaker 3: I like sweeping, and it's like what's that internal voice.
Speaker 1: I've never spoken like that before in my life.
Speaker 2: This will do it? Yeah, like that?
Speaker 6: Oh my god. Yeah. There's a great, little, super micro
Speaker 6: budget science.
Speaker 5: Fiction film came out in twenty fourteen called Coherence, and
Speaker 5: it was shot for fifty grand over five days in
Speaker 5: this guy's house. It's just eight people in the movie,
Speaker 5: and something starts going wrong with reality. There's no crazy
Speaker 5: special effects. It's just something starts going wrong. And the
Speaker 5: one thing that actually ups the panic level when I
Speaker 5: watched it was the crazier things get, the more like
Speaker 5: bad jokes characters tried to make because they're trying to
Speaker 5: go back to the normalcy of the awkward dinner party
Speaker 5: they were having, Like they're craving when they were making
Speaker 5: the shitty jokes, so then they start doing more of them,
Speaker 5: and it felt so it elicited such a panic response
Speaker 5: in me that that's what people do when things start
Speaker 5: getting crazy.
Speaker 4: Especially me and my family, Like if someone's on their deathbed,
Speaker 4: we all do at least ten minutes. Yes, and some
Speaker 4: of it I think I wish I had written down like, soff,
Speaker 4: it's good, but that's your coping mech So.
Speaker 6: Your dad's like bring me right up, just do a
Speaker 6: quick bob.
Speaker 4: And spend long on the intro, no credits.
Speaker 3: I mean, it is so comforting though. I think if
Speaker 3: you're from that kind of family, when things are shitty
Speaker 3: and someone looks across at you and it's like when
Speaker 3: my mom had Alzheimer's and my sister, Oh my dud.
Speaker 3: This was my dad's recurring thing of she makes it easy.
Speaker 3: She'd be like doing some insane thing across the room
Speaker 3: where everyone was like in a panic of like because
Speaker 3: my mom was so her whole thing was like being
Speaker 3: cool and being kind of like refined, fake refined. She
Speaker 3: was from the mission, but she kind of tried to
Speaker 3: act like she was, you know, one of the Kennedys.
Speaker 3: And when she got sick and it all just kind
Speaker 3: of she just lost all that. She would do a lot,
Speaker 3: she would do weird shit and she would kind of
Speaker 3: like start like kind of yell at you for no reason.
Speaker 1: There was just a lot of.
Speaker 3: Like obviously it was just the looks craziness and my
Speaker 3: just with a big smile turn of me and my sister,
Speaker 3: she makes it easy. And that's like we were. There
Speaker 3: were constant bits. They were constant, constant bits.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 4: When my mom was in her facility with my sister
Speaker 4: and I laughed so hard the whole time and then
Speaker 4: felt terrible on the drive home.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like why did we just laugh?
Speaker 4: We were the only people laughing in this sad place
Speaker 4: of pea puddles and shaking and horrible.
Speaker 2: We laughed so hard. I can't.
Speaker 4: Oh, I know the choice, you don't.
Speaker 3: You don't have a choice, and you need it has
Speaker 3: to be with those people that get you that you don't.
Speaker 3: I mean, it has to be like close people, but
Speaker 3: that you would never have to go back and explain
Speaker 3: anything to I.
Speaker 1: I spent a day with my mom once.
Speaker 3: She was kind of like over the line, way over
Speaker 3: the line, and I didn't know it.
Speaker 1: Yet because I was down in l A.
Speaker 3: And I spent a day with her that was madness
Speaker 3: and it was truly it was like a horror movie.
Speaker 3: And when my sister came to pick me up, I
Speaker 3: started crying and I was like, I want her to die,
Speaker 3: and I was doing it like it was the fucking
Speaker 3: you know. It was like to tell you something, she
Speaker 3: I think, and my sagter goes, you don't think.
Speaker 1: I've looked up how to kill her and I had
Speaker 1: been like sobbing, and then we both start laughing.
Speaker 3: She's like, yeah, I fucking think that every single time.
Speaker 1: That's not of.
Speaker 3: Course you do, like what are you talking about? And
Speaker 3: I was just like, thank fucking god.
Speaker 2: Yeah that was read of her to say, actually.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that was saying she kind of saved you. She
Speaker 5: gave you a lifeline there.
Speaker 3: Yes, to go like, yeah, that's something horrible, but also yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: That's to me.
Speaker 3: That's those are the funniest times because it's the it's
Speaker 3: heart wrenching, lye funny.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I think Amy Poehler told me once when she was
Speaker 5: on SNL and either her mom or dad died but
Speaker 5: she had to do the show and then go to
Speaker 5: the funeral the next day. But she had just gotten
Speaker 5: the news and it was really tearing her up, and
Speaker 5: she goes what saved her was when they were in
Speaker 5: dress and she was starting to fall part. John Hamm
Speaker 5: was the host. It was his first hosting time, and
Speaker 5: he took her a sign. He was like, look, I
Speaker 5: can't even imagine what you're going through right now, Amy,
Speaker 5: but this this is a big shot for me, so
Speaker 5: I need you to pull it together. And it made
Speaker 5: her laugh so hard and it got her through the night.
Speaker 5: He saved her by doing that.
Speaker 6: It was so perfect. Is that amazing?
Speaker 2: Yeah? He was really going out on a limb with that,
Speaker 2: Joe Yeah.
Speaker 6: Because boy Yeah, yeah, so wrong.
Speaker 3: And then they went on to do John Ham's John
Speaker 3: Ham Did you see.
Speaker 6: That sketch Jesus Christ was.
Speaker 3: I was like, this is the dumbest, best thing I've
Speaker 3: ever seen in my life.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: And he, you know, when they pitched that to him,
Speaker 5: he just even before they he was like, yes, we're
Speaker 5: absolutely doing this.
Speaker 6: We're so doing this.
Speaker 5: And then when he when he talks about the my
Speaker 5: name is spelled with two ms instead of one M,
Speaker 5: and that John is with an H and mine isn't
Speaker 5: feel like a.
Speaker 6: Dumb ass yet he's He's just God, he just nailed.
Speaker 6: He's so funny. That drove me crazy. That's like, that's like.
Speaker 5: Elizabeth Banks and Alec Baldwin and it's like, hey, hot
Speaker 5: or funny, you just pick one.
Speaker 6: You don't get to have both of.
Speaker 1: Those for real.
Speaker 6: That's for realists.
Speaker 1: That's just so irritating.
Speaker 6: You should have to pay for this somehow, this is
Speaker 6: not good.
Speaker 2: That's funny.
Speaker 4: I remember the first time he was at UCB or
Speaker 4: something and he I was like getting upset that because
Speaker 4: I couldn't stop looking at just the way his face
Speaker 4: is shaped, and then that that face was being funny
Speaker 4: and I'm like, well, then actually fuck you, Like oh yeah, yes,
Speaker 4: so many, so many lines and that that face that
Speaker 4: his very funny and they're yeah.
Speaker 6: They're a Tina Tina fadus.
Speaker 5: He looks like a he looks like a cartoon of
Speaker 5: a pilot, handsome pilot, and.
Speaker 6: That's what he looks, think like.
Speaker 5: It's a kind of handsome that makes you angry at him,
Speaker 5: like something bad that happens to you and dare you?
Speaker 3: He also gets the extra sheen of being on such
Speaker 3: a good show that it's it made him more beautiful
Speaker 3: because the show was written so well and he did
Speaker 3: so many amazing things like it's it's that kind of
Speaker 3: thing where like his his what's the what's the word
Speaker 3: for it?
Speaker 1: It's like his jaw.
Speaker 2: Like I was still in my own little world.
Speaker 3: Show like his grade you know, like grade A, honey,
Speaker 3: He's just like just grade A across the fucking board.
Speaker 5: Ye my day, you clowns looked like clowns.
Speaker 2: Make up?
Speaker 6: Did it? As a service to people. You know, when
Speaker 6: you walked on Sam, that's a funny guy.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And if you were accidentally handsome, you just fall down more.
Speaker 4: It's our clown make yourself ugly.
Speaker 2: Oh that's great.
Speaker 1: So Patton you are Are you allowed to say where
Speaker 1: you are right now?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm in.
Speaker 5: I'm in fabulous Steambathy Savannah, Georgia.
Speaker 1: Which ring over again.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you know what things I tried again.
Speaker 5: I tried fresh with a new wife and boy that
Speaker 5: went she went over to just ran off, went on
Speaker 5: vacation with Colombia, ran off with the street musician. It's
Speaker 5: it's a spiral, you know. Just hey, look a hot
Speaker 5: eighteen year old Columbian that that is a wild animal
Speaker 5: celebrity that you can't get. She's like, she's like, fuck
Speaker 5: your IMDb. I'm leaving with wand.
Speaker 3: I'm out.
Speaker 6: I'm doing this mini series in Savannah.
Speaker 5: It's set in the Civil War, so I get to
Speaker 5: wear this massive fake beard, huge wool uniform, gun sword hat.
Speaker 5: Just basically I'm in my own personal sauna all day
Speaker 5: on this set. I've been here since July and uh yeah,
Speaker 5: it's it's been quite an experience.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so fun to be in period wool when
Speaker 4: it's like one hundred and two with a.
Speaker 2: Humidity of urine. I did that. It was like an
Speaker 2: extra ind of Western.
Speaker 4: When I first moved to Austin and they made T
Speaker 4: shirts the day it was one hundred and fifteen and
Speaker 4: I was wearing layers of wool, just sweating through it,
Speaker 4: and I'm like, I don't think I have what it
Speaker 4: takes to be one of these acts people.
Speaker 6: This isn't gonna happen.
Speaker 2: No, No, I can't do at least.
Speaker 5: When Karen did her TV shirts, she was hard to
Speaker 5: go over to Scotland where it's it's nice, right, yeah,
Speaker 5: and you could you can dress like for fall weather
Speaker 5: and it's not uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 3: I told my agent at the time, it has to
Speaker 3: be above the Greenwich the Greenwich line, because I can't
Speaker 3: handle anything.
Speaker 1: Even France a little too spicy.
Speaker 5: Yeah, a little bit during during Thulmidor. It is a
Speaker 5: nothing in the mod to the ekdu.
Speaker 3: I will do Scotland, I will do Iceland. I will
Speaker 3: consider Greenland.
Speaker 5: I did a movie in Iceland and the day that
Speaker 5: I got there, we flew into reykievic and then We
Speaker 5: drove an hour outside of Raykievik to this little like
Speaker 5: sportsman's lodge in a town that I don't think had
Speaker 5: vowels in it. It was so out on this glacier,
Speaker 5: and so the day that I got there, someone said, hey,
Speaker 5: walking on the glacier is really beautiful if you need
Speaker 5: like a walk or something. I wasn't going to be
Speaker 5: shooting for a couple of days. I was like, all right,
Speaker 5: like I need this. I needed to clear my head.
Speaker 6: So I go for this.
Speaker 5: I'm walking on the glacier, no headphones in, don't have
Speaker 5: my phone. I'm just like, wow, I'm actually cut off.
Speaker 6: This is great. And I was really feeling energized.
Speaker 5: And I see this speck way in the distance, like
Speaker 5: someone's walking towards me, like a mile away on the glacier.
Speaker 5: And I keep going and the beck gets closer, clo closer,
Speaker 5: it gets it to me and it's Sean Penn. He's like, oh, hey,
Speaker 5: Pat Like, hey, I guess I don't escape Hollywood no
Speaker 5: matter what.
Speaker 6: And then he just kept walking.
Speaker 5: And then we were shooting the movie together, but I
Speaker 5: didn't know he was already there. But I'm like the
Speaker 5: one person I see out on the glacier.
Speaker 2: I wish that he was not in the movie, please.
Speaker 2: I was like, he wasn't even in the movie. Yes,
Speaker 2: Jean penn on a.
Speaker 3: Glacier comes up and is like, this is actually my
Speaker 3: glacier passing.
Speaker 5: That was like, hey do you you are? You coming
Speaker 5: from where the bourgeois pigs? I'm really lost. I just
Speaker 5: went for a walk and holy I think I took
Speaker 5: a wrong turn. Am I still on Beechwood?
Speaker 2: Where is this so weird?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I almost said something dumb. I think believe it or not,
Speaker 2: you guys, and I'm not.
Speaker 4: I thought, well it was that for uh Sandman, but
Speaker 4: you probably didn't have to leave your house to do
Speaker 4: the voice of that ing.
Speaker 6: Thank god I was able. That was something.
Speaker 5: That's the one thing that came out of the pandemic
Speaker 5: from my panic was I built a little voiceover booth
Speaker 5: in a corner of a room because I was like, well,
Speaker 5: this is the only way I'm going to make money.
Speaker 5: I did one online show, like they remember they were
Speaker 5: trying to do those online stand up shows, and I
Speaker 5: had a slow motion panic attack and then I had
Speaker 5: like three days of genuine, I don't want to say
Speaker 5: suicidal depression but like existential gloom of If this is
Speaker 5: how comedy is, then I'm not a comedian anymore. I
Speaker 5: don't exist in this world, you know. I was so
Speaker 5: out of my element, and then I was like, maybe
Speaker 5: they should just do voiceover. So I built a little
Speaker 5: like it's literally in a court, and I didn't build
Speaker 5: a studio.
Speaker 6: It's just a thing in a corner.
Speaker 5: I can hang these acoustic blankets around and then just
Speaker 5: do my voiceover it.
Speaker 6: That's it.
Speaker 3: You pulled over the divider that you threw your slip
Speaker 3: over normally, and that's now your voiceover booth.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, yeah.
Speaker 5: I watched it happen one night and then I go,
Speaker 5: you know what, give me a blanket on a string
Speaker 5: and I'll.
Speaker 1: Just tay you do it. There you go, good acousta.
Speaker 4: That's so funny that you immediately found a plan B
Speaker 4: solution because I just kept doing panic inducing zoom shows.
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 5: I did one, any of them, barely got through it.
Speaker 5: You did sixty of them.
Speaker 2: I did. I kept doing them. I didn't.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I would lay in bed with my eyes
Speaker 4: open afterwards every single time.
Speaker 2: I don't. Sometimes they were fun, I swear to you.
Speaker 5: I did one and it was a friggin' nightmare, and
Speaker 5: I had I thought. I was like, was I crying
Speaker 5: on that at the like I literally crying? Oh God,
Speaker 5: I hated it so much. Yeah, yeah, Now did you
Speaker 5: do so many of them because you're thinking I will
Speaker 5: get the knack of it if I keep doing them,
Speaker 5: or you just did it out of panic?
Speaker 2: I know I was.
Speaker 4: I really felt like this is going to be a thing,
Speaker 4: and I better get used to it, because God knows.
Speaker 2: How many years we're going to be doing it. Wasn't
Speaker 2: that far off.
Speaker 4: And like the third or fourth when I did, they
Speaker 4: had trust to fifteen trusted audience members that were also
Speaker 4: let in to the room and you could hear them laughing,
Speaker 4: and that was enough for me. And the drive in
Speaker 4: shows where they're honking, that was enough to just have
Speaker 4: a piece of it. And I wouldn't panic during those ones,
Speaker 4: and it was like a little glimmer of hope, but.
Speaker 2: No usually fetal position all night baby.
Speaker 1: I saw one.
Speaker 3: This was one of my favorites because people were playing
Speaker 3: that online game what was it called Chris the like
Speaker 3: Villash Quiplash clip, and I was on a show where
Speaker 3: me and Chris and then like five other people were
Speaker 3: playing quiplash, right, so you're basically in like a joke
Speaker 3: contest of hack jokes, and Chris fucking immediately just began
Speaker 3: to destroy everyone.
Speaker 1: All of his jokes were actually funny.
Speaker 3: Most people would just do like, you know, a dog's
Speaker 3: huge dick, and then it would get all these points
Speaker 3: from everybody.
Speaker 1: Else, and I was like, what the fuck is this?
Speaker 3: But every time Chris's answer was funnier than everybody's and
Speaker 3: actually good. And then at one point he thought his
Speaker 3: internet went out, but it didn't.
Speaker 1: We could still see him. It was like his side
Speaker 1: or his audio or something.
Speaker 3: So then he just got up from like where he
Speaker 3: is right now and went over to the doorway and.
Speaker 1: He just started doing pull ups on a pull up
Speaker 1: bar really angrily.
Speaker 3: And it's one of the funny yeah I remember that
Speaker 3: I've ever seen, and we all thought you did it
Speaker 3: on purpose, and he was not trying to be funny
Speaker 3: in real life.
Speaker 2: I really thought I was alone.
Speaker 4: Finally, Okay, that was the little window where I was
Speaker 4: working out like I was. I hate saying it, but
Speaker 4: I was thriving. It's like you said, it's some of
Speaker 4: the best joke writing. I had it was I was.
Speaker 4: I was doing my chin ups. Wow, and now everything's
Speaker 4: picked up again, and.
Speaker 1: It was just it was the best.
Speaker 3: The idea though, of like as a bit basically being
Speaker 3: enraged by tech and then going and just doing like
Speaker 3: ten pull ups is so funny if you were being fished.
Speaker 2: So human.
Speaker 5: I also remember at the very very beginning of the pandemic,
Speaker 5: like zoom had not become the thing yet. At the beginning,
Speaker 5: there were nine different platforms and every new show you
Speaker 5: would do, they would go, well, on our show, we
Speaker 5: use britt blah, and what you have to do. You
Speaker 5: have to shut down these things and you got to read,
Speaker 5: and it was just like and you get like some
Speaker 5: of them would suck up my computer and I would
Speaker 5: get all angled and I was so oh. That also
Speaker 5: gave me all this anxiety, like I don't but I
Speaker 5: don't want to be the old guy, you know. I
Speaker 5: don't want to be the nineteen forties band leader going
Speaker 5: the Beatles.
Speaker 6: It's just a two guys with guitars and a drug shit,
Speaker 6: you know.
Speaker 5: So I went out of my way not to be
Speaker 5: that cranky guy, but inside I was just enraged and terrified.
Speaker 2: I did. I got angry during a lot of them
Speaker 2: and then felt bad.
Speaker 4: I was like, well, I just panicked and got mad
Speaker 4: at Forest Strangers because I didn't like the game show
Speaker 4: they invented.
Speaker 2: It was all these weird variety like we're.
Speaker 4: Doing a trivia game show and there's a buzzer. Yeah,
Speaker 4: if this is going to be painful, let's also make
Speaker 4: it complicated, right, ye oh God of those shows.
Speaker 3: Like I did Dave Holmes Show, which I love the
Speaker 3: Friday forty right. So it's just like it's it's topical
Speaker 3: comedy and then whatever it it just dragged like in
Speaker 3: this way where I was like you'd say something, you'd
Speaker 3: know it was funny, no one would make a sound.
Speaker 1: Then you're like stop saying stuff You're not funny.
Speaker 3: Like in within the structure of the game show, it
Speaker 3: was just like you I absolutely lost the will to live.
Speaker 1: It was just like why do I do this for
Speaker 1: a living?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: And and then you then you like hit leave meeting,
Speaker 3: and then you're like, wait, why did I do that?
Speaker 1: What am I doing?
Speaker 6: Yeah? It gets all the craziest. And also just the
Speaker 6: the day you.
Speaker 5: Would try to get up like today, I'm going to
Speaker 5: start fresh, and you would try to eat a healthy breakfast,
Speaker 5: but then the day just turned into a weird connected
Speaker 5: string of snacks. There wasn't really a specific line for dinner.
Speaker 5: You just kind of ate until you got tired, and
Speaker 5: then you went to bed. And then then I added
Speaker 5: drinking to that, which was not a good idea because again,
Speaker 5: there's no sense of time anymore. So there's no sense
Speaker 5: of like, well it's six o'clock, I'll go have a
Speaker 5: glass of wine, I'll have a shit, It's like, well
Speaker 5: six o'clock and I'll have something, and then is it.
Speaker 6: Four hours later? How much have I been doing?
Speaker 2: Like you don't have to because you.
Speaker 5: Don't have to go anywhere, so you don't feel like,
Speaker 5: oh I'm getting hammered because you're just you can just
Speaker 5: walk five feet and go to bed.
Speaker 6: Yes, oh man, Yeah, there was some bad days.
Speaker 3: At one point, there was a day where in the
Speaker 3: middle of my house by myself, I yelled stop eating cereal.
Speaker 2: Because I it was just at a house plant.
Speaker 1: It was just my go to solution for everything.
Speaker 3: It's just like, I guess I'll eat more lucky charms,
Speaker 3: the worst thing I could be eating right now. And
Speaker 3: it was just like, stop doing this, what are you doing?
Speaker 3: Then I went into my I went into a real
Speaker 3: swimming phase, which actually was great. That's good, but yes,
Speaker 3: that was much better. Wow, but still a little surreal
Speaker 3: because it was I was alone. So that was the
Speaker 3: part where I was just like, just be careful with
Speaker 3: this isolation part because that's what gets people, right.
Speaker 6: Not good? Yeah, no, Well we're bumming out all the
Speaker 6: listeners right now.
Speaker 1: Remember when you were lonely?
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, we were sad too, and we're going to
Speaker 4: continue to be and remind you of it now. You
Speaker 4: were once sad, even if you were happy an hour
Speaker 4: ago when you did the with Janine Garofflow the.
Speaker 2: Tour for the The Ratitude. How many years ago?
Speaker 4: What's that now? Please don't say over ten, but it's fifteen.
Speaker 4: It's fifteen. Holy shit, sorry, Earth time. It's a malleable concept.
Speaker 5: I don't know if to tell you fifteen years ago
Speaker 5: we went on that. That was my first big movie
Speaker 5: tour to promote.
Speaker 2: That was your first like starring role thing, right.
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I remember we were in these little towns
Speaker 5: where we would also do stand up and then you know,
Speaker 5: go do all the press and try to and this
Speaker 5: was like still sort of pre internet, like I think
Speaker 5: there was MySpace.
Speaker 2: Maybe.
Speaker 5: One thing I do remember is we had to go
Speaker 5: do this event, a screening and press event, and it
Speaker 5: was on a Sunday evening and we were going to
Speaker 5: miss the last episode of The Sopranos. So we asked
Speaker 5: the hotel we were at and they were so nice
Speaker 5: to us. They video taped it for us and then
Speaker 5: set a VCR up in our room. However, no Internet,
Speaker 5: no Twitter, We just knew that the episode was set
Speaker 5: up in our room. They went go up there, hippy.
Speaker 5: They put out little little bowls of popcorn for us
Speaker 5: in that suite and drinks.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: So we're sitting there, Jeana and I just watching it
Speaker 5: in my hotel room, and then you know how that
Speaker 5: episode ends, right, it just cuts to black, and we
Speaker 5: freaked out, thinking, oh, there's VCR cutoff or something, just
Speaker 5: like because it literally cuts off mid lyric in the
Speaker 5: song and nothing happened. And then we didn't wait for
Speaker 5: the credits. We just like shut it off and called
Speaker 5: down stairs. Something went wrong with the beast, you.
Speaker 4: Know, yeah, and this popcorn is stale.
Speaker 5: But then we I think we ended ended up having
Speaker 5: to call a friend and have because the person at
Speaker 5: the front desk was trying to explain to us no, no, no,
Speaker 5: it's supposed to be like that, but they weren't explaining
Speaker 5: it very well, and we thought, no, you don't know
Speaker 5: what you're talking about. And then we called a friend
Speaker 5: of ours like no, no, it literally cuts off, and but.
Speaker 6: For like an hour we were like we missed the
Speaker 6: last second of the year.
Speaker 2: It was.
Speaker 5: It was so I remember that so vividly that we
Speaker 5: were both in that room together.
Speaker 2: And I never watched it until Quarantine.
Speaker 4: I finally finished Sopranos, Oh where people could stop getting
Speaker 4: mad at me at parties, but you you have you
Speaker 4: let me open for you guys on that tour like
Speaker 4: in Salt Lake City and Austin and and I. It
Speaker 4: was that was during a time where I had nothing
Speaker 4: going on and.
Speaker 2: You liked, like a three stooges bit I had that
Speaker 2: didn't ever work.
Speaker 4: You're like, I like that three stays bit, Do you
Speaker 4: want to go on tour for the And it was
Speaker 4: so I had never done like, uh, you know, standing
Speaker 4: audience music venues like that, and.
Speaker 5: That's right, Yeah, that kind of cross kind of really
Speaker 5: started that for a lot of ALLT comics. Let's go
Speaker 5: to small rock clubs, and I was like, that's a
Speaker 5: great idea and we just ran with it.
Speaker 4: Still all I want to do, and so anyway, thank
Speaker 4: you for that. I needed that at that time, and
Speaker 4: I always think about the fact that you did that
Speaker 4: for me.
Speaker 5: Well, and that was my Okay, that was my first
Speaker 5: time ever in Salt Lake City. And first off, it's
Speaker 5: a beautiful city. Yes, it's a Mormon on cliff. What
Speaker 5: was really weird though, is it really did stay true
Speaker 5: to the whole idea of well and you know, Mormons
Speaker 5: they don't drink alcohol, they don't drink coffee, and and
Speaker 5: they don't listen to secular music. And there was that
Speaker 5: one block. It was the equivalent of Salt Lake City's
Speaker 5: Red Lake District, where it's just jammed with coffee shops,
Speaker 5: record stores. All the stuff was on this one block.
Speaker 2: People break dancing.
Speaker 3: The pastor from footloose, standing there, going get away, walk out, No,
Speaker 3: don't do.
Speaker 5: It, watching eighties romantic comedies like oh, but I just
Speaker 5: remember the coffee was so strong. It was like, if
Speaker 5: we can't, if we're going to go, if I'm going
Speaker 5: to go sit and have coffee, it had better be
Speaker 5: worth it. This stuff was ain't dinner. It was so strong.
Speaker 5: Never forgotten that weird Salt Lake City, Red Lake District.
Speaker 4: And I remember that audience being great. I love audiences there.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I just read an article that some fancy chef just
Speaker 3: said Rat Tattoo is the best food movie ever or
Speaker 3: the best like chef movie ever.
Speaker 1: Did you hear about that?
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, Anthony Bourdain said we were the most realistic
Speaker 5: movie about a chef and other chefs that I've not
Speaker 5: to brag, but when I go to nice restaurants, this
Speaker 5: chef will come out and say hello.
Speaker 6: He's like, oh, you're the rat from the move.
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Yeah, and where's my extra bread basket? But I've got
Speaker 5: I've become very good friends with people like grand Ackets
Speaker 5: who does a linear in Chicago and they were a
Speaker 5: little and friends of mine who are chefs who've worked
Speaker 5: in the business. Like there are all these little details
Speaker 5: that they got so right. Like there's always a pot
Speaker 5: of potatoes soaking. You gotta have potatoes ready. You can't
Speaker 5: be peeling them when someone orders them. They got to
Speaker 5: be ready to go. The floor is super warped. All
Speaker 5: great kitchens, the floor because of hot cold time, constantly
Speaker 5: hitting it.
Speaker 4: Oh, yeah, and in the animation the floor was all warped.
Speaker 5: Well, they built This is how crazy you know things
Speaker 5: are at Pixar. They built an AI program to like
Speaker 5: build the floor and to make it, you know, to
Speaker 5: imagine what it would be like years of.
Speaker 6: Stuff hitting it so it would be warped.
Speaker 5: But then at night, when they were rendering the background,
Speaker 5: the pro graham would go in and meeting out all
Speaker 5: the tiles and flatten and they had to teach it
Speaker 5: like don't wreck your work. We need this to be
Speaker 5: uneven and fey.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so they'd have to type in water dammage again, this.
Speaker 6: Is not correct.
Speaker 2: Oh that's so cool.
Speaker 6: I hate humanity and life.
Speaker 1: Everything.
Speaker 2: It's getting a mind of its own.
Speaker 5: The audience wants to see the floor if all humans
Speaker 5: were dead, show me all the humans dead floor.
Speaker 4: The animation program kills itself. Damn we made it too smart.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, that was really It's very gratifying to be
Speaker 5: I mean, there's there have been some really good chef
Speaker 5: films that get like like Big Night and and Chef
Speaker 5: that really get the world correct.
Speaker 3: Burnt and Burn Forget, which I watched like four times
Speaker 3: in Quarantine.
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but I loved Burn.
Speaker 6: Is that the one where it's all one shot or
Speaker 6: is that a different one?
Speaker 3: No, that Burnt is the one with Bradley Cooper where
Speaker 3: he's just kind of like, you know, cool and on
Speaker 3: drugs and he's a chef, And I think I just
Speaker 3: love the idea of like I to me, I think
Speaker 3: chefs are more exciting than rock stars because they actually
Speaker 3: can they can do something.
Speaker 1: Useful in life, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And it is really hard what they do and how
Speaker 3: they do it every single night is really hard. So
Speaker 3: I'm always like, don't we like s you're friends as chefs?
Speaker 3: How do I get to be a friend? Because that,
Speaker 3: to me, that just is so it's so compelling. But
Speaker 3: it's also more high pressure than anything. It's just like
Speaker 3: it's that is like those doors open and you have
Speaker 3: to be consistently putting out perfectly delicious food for rich
Speaker 3: assholes who are absolutely ready to complain at any single thing,
Speaker 3: and they want innovation and this and that.
Speaker 1: I learned all this from Chef's table.
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, I didn't know stuff.
Speaker 5: For half the times they're not even tasting their food,
Speaker 5: that the food is secondary to they're having a meeting
Speaker 5: they're on a date there, you know the food, you
Speaker 5: have broken your soul putting that stuff on the plate,
Speaker 5: and there's like, all right anyway, and then that's oh,
Speaker 5: here's okay. Here's a very embarrassing example of that. There's
Speaker 5: a restaurant in Culver City called Nanaka that was run
Speaker 5: by this you've been in Nanaka or you've heard of it.
Speaker 1: I know of it from Chef's Table Chefs Table, yep.
Speaker 5: And she is a friggin genius and I've eaten there
Speaker 5: many a time, and yes, it's always different every time.
Speaker 5: And she the first time I ate there, we were
Speaker 5: done with dinner, and then she came out and was
Speaker 5: saying hi, and then she goes, do you remember me?
Speaker 5: I was like, uh, I don't think, so she goes,
Speaker 5: I ran a sushi restaurant called Azamie on Melrose back
Speaker 5: in the nineties. That was her first restaurant, and it
Speaker 5: was down the street from the Yes Zami that was
Speaker 5: her first restaurant.
Speaker 3: Holy that one, I had friends because I don't my friends,
Speaker 3: because my friends who were lived within walking distance of
Speaker 3: that place were like, we have found a secret, perfect
Speaker 3: restaurant that no one's in.
Speaker 6: In a minimum of the windsholes and it's amazing.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, well okay, I.
Speaker 5: Just got it to visit the embarrassing part and then
Speaker 5: you can tell me, because let me tell you my
Speaker 5: embarrassing part, and then you tell me what your cool
Speaker 5: friends did.
Speaker 3: Because I no, no, that was the whole story I had.
Speaker 3: That was my story, have nothing else to add.
Speaker 5: Every Wednesday, I would go to Golden Apple. I would
Speaker 5: take my lunch break on the show's where gold to
Speaker 5: Golden Apple, get my stack of comics, bring them to
Speaker 5: a zombie, PLoP down, order my faves. And she was
Speaker 5: given to me, and she goes, you always had your
Speaker 5: head in a comic book, and I was eating the
Speaker 5: best sushi in the city and didn't know it because
Speaker 5: I was focused on you know, what's Batman doing?
Speaker 6: You know?
Speaker 5: And like like when it wasn't like she got she
Speaker 5: was as amazing as she is at Nanaka when she
Speaker 5: was running a zombie. The guy that yes, I think
Speaker 5: she trained under Maxu and he says in chef's table, like, well, yeah,
Speaker 5: I trained her, and now she has surpassed what I've done.
Speaker 5: Like he's kind of admits that she completely eclipsed him.
Speaker 5: And I was just there just reading my books and didn't.
Speaker 5: And but that's what Chef's deal with all the time. Yes,
Speaker 5: she remembers, she remembers every person she's ever served, every
Speaker 5: you know, I don't. I don't know if you've seen
Speaker 5: the movie Pig with Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 6: That is an amazing chef movie. Nicholas Cage plays this
Speaker 6: I forgot about it chef. He should have gotten an
Speaker 6: Academy Award for that movie.
Speaker 5: But he plays a chef that is clearly like you said, Karen,
Speaker 5: they they kind of risk their their mental health doing
Speaker 5: what they do. And he's clearly someone that has gone
Speaker 5: off the deep end and he lived now he lives
Speaker 5: in the woods, but he's this legendary Portland chef that
Speaker 5: no one ever cooked better than. And he lives in
Speaker 5: the wood with this pet truffle pig. And then some
Speaker 5: some meth head steal the pig from him, and the
Speaker 5: whole movie is him trying to get the big back
Speaker 5: and he has to go back through the restaurant world
Speaker 5: and there.
Speaker 6: Is a sea I can't there's so much I can't spoil.
Speaker 5: But it's that idea of the reason he quit doing
Speaker 5: what he was doing is because I've reached this level
Speaker 5: of perfection and no one understands what I'm doing.
Speaker 6: So screw this, I'm gone.
Speaker 5: Yeah it's and there are cooking sequences in that movie
Speaker 5: that you're like, I can't believe I've seen this.
Speaker 4: I'm glad you reminded me about because I did start
Speaker 4: watching it like during quarantine, and now maybe it was
Speaker 4: a bottle of wine or something, but I fell asleep.
Speaker 2: I didn't ever finish it.
Speaker 6: And watch it again.
Speaker 2: Yeah I will.
Speaker 4: So the woman that owned that sushi restaurant, was she
Speaker 4: calling you out on like you were reading comic books
Speaker 4: the whole time?
Speaker 2: And I no, I just because I had.
Speaker 5: Brought so many people to Nanaka after I watched that
Speaker 5: Chef's table thing. I put in a call and I
Speaker 5: waited a few months and finally got to the table.
Speaker 5: And so I was bringing all these people and I
Speaker 5: was raving about it. But I think she was doing
Speaker 5: it more in a humor way, but it's like she
Speaker 5: she was doing it in that tone of like welcome
Speaker 5: to my life. Right, I had that place and half
Speaker 5: the people didn't know what they again, we didn't know
Speaker 5: who we were eating sushi from.
Speaker 3: Yeah, next love, just next level. Also, I really like,
Speaker 3: I like the idea of a comic book nerd that
Speaker 3: sits down and then ask the book the question, what's
Speaker 3: Batman doing?
Speaker 5: Batman comic book prepared to be enjoyed.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I just oh god, it's so pathetic. I can't
Speaker 6: eat it. But yeah, that's that's the story of my life.
Speaker 3: Yes, and that kind of I think I have such
Speaker 3: a wild respect almost well. Also because Chef's Table I
Speaker 3: think is such a perfectly made TV show, Like god damn, yeah,
Speaker 3: so perfectly made. But on top of that, I'm the
Speaker 3: kind of person that literally went it every night at
Speaker 3: six forty five when I realized I have to provide
Speaker 3: dinner for myself, I'm surprised and upset every night.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 3: I literally am like verge of tears when I can't
Speaker 3: figure out or like it's like I guess I'll just
Speaker 3: eat cereal again.
Speaker 1: Like it is.
Speaker 3: It is a mental block. So to watch people go
Speaker 3: like it's easy. My cousin's like this, my cousin Stevee.
Speaker 3: It's like it's easy, Gret you have garlic. Look, you
Speaker 3: have garlic, and you have this, And it's like stop
Speaker 3: explaining it, to just make it don't.
Speaker 1: I can't do it.
Speaker 2: You hate it up.
Speaker 5: These people that can do with they can make something
Speaker 5: with whatever is there is so beyond my imagining.
Speaker 6: It seems like they have superpowers. I don't understand it
Speaker 6: for real.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, and like it's going that's happening now with
Speaker 5: my daughter. My daughter used to be and I.
Speaker 6: This frustrated me, but I didn't realize the advantage I have.
Speaker 5: She used to be a very picky eater, so she
Speaker 5: would have like a bit of grilled chicken and some
Speaker 5: broccoli and mac and cheese.
Speaker 6: So all I had to do was learn to make
Speaker 6: a few items.
Speaker 5: And now this past summer her palate has exploded did
Speaker 5: and I have to like.
Speaker 6: Learn how to cook things.
Speaker 5: So right now there's a lot of door dashing going on,
Speaker 5: like so you want to hang on and I call
Speaker 5: at and then that comes in. But I have to
Speaker 5: learn to like cook other items, and it's driving me crazy, Yes,
Speaker 5: because it.
Speaker 1: Discuss how do you do that?
Speaker 3: It sounds like we need to take a cooking class,
Speaker 3: that's what it sounds like.
Speaker 6: Yeah. Well, the day the.
Speaker 5: Day that the day that the shutdown happened for COVID,
Speaker 5: the day before the day that that that Friday, the thirteenth,
Speaker 5: I had scheduled a sushi cooking class in the downtown
Speaker 5: market and but but we we.
Speaker 6: Suddenly found out there's this virus.
Speaker 5: And I was like, maybe we shouldn't be handling raw
Speaker 5: fish with a bunch of strips.
Speaker 1: It's like it's not gonna market.
Speaker 5: Literally, it was literally, I'm taking myself into the vector
Speaker 5: of death.
Speaker 6: And I just said, yeah, we're going to cancel this.
Speaker 6: I'm not doing it, like I got so fack.
Speaker 4: That reminds me of the acting client prepared this scene
Speaker 4: from Chasing Amy for an acting class I had on
Speaker 4: the night of.
Speaker 2: Nine to eleven, and I was the only one.
Speaker 4: I showed up ready to have my first kissing scene
Speaker 4: with a guy with graces, and I was like, well, Shirley,
Speaker 4: we're still gonna have the class, right. I memorized the
Speaker 4: lines we started on ours no one else, No one
Speaker 4: else came.
Speaker 5: I used to take cooking classes all the time at
Speaker 5: the New School in Culver City. I did a whole
Speaker 5: four week tie cooking class and then a basic skills class,
Speaker 5: all of which I've forgotten, you know, like knife skills.
Speaker 6: Had a liked a pair and bone at chicken.
Speaker 5: I forgot all of it, and that's where I met
Speaker 5: jet Tila, who's a really good chef. But yeah, I
Speaker 5: should start doing that again because it does. I remember
Speaker 5: it being very good for me mentally.
Speaker 4: Yeah right, me too. And that was one of the
Speaker 4: things during quarantine. I got just through HelloFresh and having
Speaker 4: ingredients delivered to me, and I'm like, well, these are
Speaker 4: going to go bad.
Speaker 2: If I don't at least try and use.
Speaker 4: And now I'm not intimidated at all, just from learning
Speaker 4: basic things like Karen said, like you have to have
Speaker 4: all of oil and butter and an oven that doesn't.
Speaker 2: Blow a fuse. So I got a toaster oven.
Speaker 4: The point is I learned to cook some stuff and
Speaker 4: it feels good to.
Speaker 6: Like carry me, is there an item you can cook?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 6: Yeah, But if you don't impress someone, what did you do?
Speaker 2: I mean Karen's had parties and.
Speaker 1: I've oh, yes, I can make an appetizer. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: I want.
Speaker 3: But see, but it's this stuff and you're probably familiar
Speaker 3: with this too. My mom had all kinds of like
Speaker 3: Campbell's soup based recipes where she called them door slammers.
Speaker 3: And this is why I can't cook because my mom
Speaker 3: for real, my mom was the head nurse at a
Speaker 3: mental hospital. And then she would come home and it would.
Speaker 1: Be seven thirty.
Speaker 3: She would have called early to say, please clean up
Speaker 3: the living room before I get there. She'd get there,
Speaker 3: we hadn't moved. We're still wearing our Catholic school uniforms
Speaker 3: laying around and she'd be like, thanks a lot, and
Speaker 3: then she'd have to make dinner, and she was bitter
Speaker 3: and she didn't like it, and she was not a
Speaker 3: good cook. So then you know, forty five minutes later,
Speaker 3: the driest chicken breast, minute rice and Brussels sprouts that
Speaker 3: you couldn't eat even if you were meant to, yes,
Speaker 3: was what we got. That was dinner. So every night
Speaker 3: dinner was this like drudgery. But then when my dad
Speaker 3: was home from the firehouse, because you have to cook
Speaker 3: in the firehouse, he was basically trained by firehouse cooks,
Speaker 3: dacon Fu.
Speaker 1: Can cook anything.
Speaker 3: So three days a week, dinner was a dream, and
Speaker 3: the other four it was truly.
Speaker 1: My mom'd be like, we're getting Chinese. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear about it, and may'd be like, we're all
Speaker 1: for it. Yeah, please, no, there's no fight here.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeahh call the one weird Chinese restaurant that we
Speaker 5: have in town. Did your Chinese restaurant in the seventies
Speaker 5: and eighties did it have because ours had the American
Speaker 5: menu on it for because it hadn't white gone white?
Speaker 5: So you could get a hamburger or a slice of
Speaker 5: pizza for the one part. Because I don't eat this.
Speaker 5: Just get me a hamburger.
Speaker 4: I don't want to some grumpy uncle. Yes, yes, yeah, mine,
Speaker 4: add that too. The Golden Pheasant. You'd go, and there's
Speaker 4: a corner with American favorites with a little American flag
Speaker 4: and a cartoon of a guy with a rifle.
Speaker 6: Just get me the spaghetti and meat both. I know
Speaker 6: it's I know it's Jeff Ward. I don't care. Give
Speaker 6: it to me, did you Okay? I have a question.
Speaker 5: I haven't done this yet. In the lobby of this
Speaker 5: this hotel does not have a room service. I have
Speaker 5: a kitchen, but there's like snack foods, none of what
Speaker 5: you're healthy in.
Speaker 1: The lobby and it's you know a lot of oreos.
Speaker 5: Yes, but they do have a couple of microwaveable dinner things.
Speaker 5: And one thing they do have and I realized, I
Speaker 5: haven't had this since I was a kid. You just
Speaker 5: mentioned your mom cooking for you with a minute rice
Speaker 5: and the Brussels sprouts. They have rice serni down there,
Speaker 5: and I haven't. And I used to love ri serni
Speaker 5: when I was growing up. It was and it again
Speaker 5: the unhealthiest thing eight thousand you know, grams of sodium something.
Speaker 5: But I because I have this nostalgic memory of it
Speaker 5: a few years ago, I remember that. Oh I used
Speaker 5: to love those orange Hostess cupcakes you get at the
Speaker 5: seven to eleven, the little ones with a white and
Speaker 5: I and as a kid loved them, got them as
Speaker 5: an adult they tasted wrong.
Speaker 6: It was clearly all chemicals.
Speaker 5: There was something like, oh, the nostalgia didn't let And
Speaker 5: now I've been debating since I've been here. Do I
Speaker 5: go prepare myself a rice ERNI? Will it not be
Speaker 5: the same thing? Well, I bet it won't be. I
Speaker 5: bet it'll be a massive letdown.
Speaker 4: And do you have a kid, because and you're both
Speaker 4: gonna think I'm lying, But I have prepared rice in
Speaker 4: the coffee maker.
Speaker 2: That base gets pretty hot. You put a little bit.
Speaker 2: I've made rice.
Speaker 6: Wait, I've prepared the coffee pot.
Speaker 4: Just the coffee maker base is like a hot pot.
Speaker 4: I've used it many times. I've used it on frozen burritos.
Speaker 4: I've cleaned up my masks. I forgot now that you
Speaker 4: said there's a kitchenette, So I'd like you to ignore
Speaker 4: what I'm saying. Don't try and make rice in the
Speaker 4: coffee maker. Use the kitchen atter. If I've prepared some
Speaker 4: meals on the coffee maker.
Speaker 5: That's if you want up doing and you're staying Kinta
Speaker 5: and all you have is a coffee maker.
Speaker 6: Prince has a recipe for hobo chili. You canfe.
Speaker 2: You mix it up in the pillow case.
Speaker 4: You take three creamers, you cut a hole in the
Speaker 4: corner and squeeze it out.
Speaker 5: Is it a shower situation as you're a tub because.
Speaker 2: You've gotta get naked, You're gonna go.
Speaker 3: You got friend, You're gonna get one leg of the
Speaker 3: ironing board.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get in there, open.
Speaker 4: Up the mattress, crawl inside, scream at the top of
Speaker 4: your lugs. Uh yeah, that's yeah, you can. You'll be
Speaker 4: I would get rice, Ronnie, just for nostalgia.
Speaker 3: I would try it if I was if I was
Speaker 3: you out absolutely used that to justify any any insane
Speaker 3: combination of things to eat. But I bet you they
Speaker 3: took out the MSG which is big, yes, seventies plus
Speaker 3: for right.
Speaker 1: Well, you know they've changed.
Speaker 3: They've probably tried to hip up the spice combo, right, which,
Speaker 3: like you know, if you get a if you get
Speaker 3: like a top Ramen, it's the exact same top ramen
Speaker 3: from the eighties. They've never changed it because they don't care.
Speaker 3: And I think people always buy it no matter what exactly.
Speaker 3: But I think I bet you Rice a Ronnie was like,
Speaker 3: you know, we have to update some somebody inherited the
Speaker 3: company and made everybody try to get here.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we've we've gotten some furiously written letters that it
Speaker 4: is not indeed the San Francisco.
Speaker 5: Treat there you go, Yeah, top ramen. That's what San
Speaker 5: Francisco in the early nineties was. For me, it was
Speaker 5: all top ramen, top ramen.
Speaker 1: Top ramen.
Speaker 3: Oh I may I remember we came back from a
Speaker 3: bar one time and I was with my friend Matt
Speaker 3: and friend I can't remember the guy's name, and we
Speaker 3: were super drunk and I was like, well, just make
Speaker 3: us top ram and they're like how and I'm like,
Speaker 3: watch this and they couldn't believe it that I just
Speaker 3: I made three at one time. They thought they were like, wow,
Speaker 3: this is amazing, Like it was my recipe where I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 3: you just triple the water. It's really easy to be
Speaker 3: a bunch of It's exactly the same as making one.
Speaker 5: And top ramen and microwave burritos were my go to
Speaker 5: when I got back to the apartment at two am
Speaker 5: and like, oh, I better put something in my stomach
Speaker 5: or tomorrow is going to be bad, Like I better
Speaker 5: soak up some of this booze.
Speaker 6: Where is something really greasy or salty? And those were
Speaker 6: my go tos.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know I knew I was.
Speaker 3: And Chris, thank you for being patient because I can't
Speaker 3: talk to Patton without always walking down memory. I know
Speaker 3: it was such a specific times.
Speaker 6: We have so many formative memories together.
Speaker 2: That I know us.
Speaker 4: This is like the Margaret Joe episode where it was
Speaker 4: I want to just see you guys go down. So yeah,
Speaker 4: don't worry about me. I'm just I'm watching and listening.
Speaker 3: Okay, I appreciate it. Thanks, don't leave, don't leave. This
Speaker 3: story is so good. There was there was a grocery
Speaker 3: store up the street from when we lived at Clayton
Speaker 3: and Waller, and my rent was three hundred and fifty dollars. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so I would take some of my I wo'd peel
Speaker 3: off some of that gap paycheck and walk up the
Speaker 3: hill because there was a gourmet a gourmet grocery store
Speaker 3: at the top of the hill. I had no business
Speaker 3: being in there. I couldn't make anything. They had like
Speaker 3: imported ponge on cheese, this or that. But I would
Speaker 3: go up there and get like a baguette and some
Speaker 3: kind of Irish butter, you know what I mean. Like
Speaker 3: you go up and I'd be like, I have about
Speaker 3: eleven extra dollars, how am I.
Speaker 1: Going to make make this special?
Speaker 3: And it was because that's San Francisco was so food
Speaker 3: oriented that like taking your money to buy like a
Speaker 3: tall and then a bagette was not weird. No one
Speaker 3: would think you were like being snobby. There was like, no,
Speaker 3: this is this is good bread and it's right up
Speaker 3: the hill.
Speaker 2: It's a bit much that you're riding in a bicycle
Speaker 2: with it barking out.
Speaker 3: Of a basket, but I put my bet on every
Speaker 3: single time to just stomp up the hill there. It
Speaker 3: makes me laugh, Like we were living off the fout
Speaker 3: of the land in the early nineties.
Speaker 1: We didn't realize how good we had.
Speaker 5: We really didn't realize that that was the last time
Speaker 5: that you could live on the fringes and not have
Speaker 5: to grind twenty four to seven. And now you can
Speaker 5: still be a young struggling artist, but you can't. You
Speaker 5: don't have five hours to just daydream, like, you better
Speaker 5: be working four jobs, and you better be instagramming, and
Speaker 5: you better like something, and you got to have your
Speaker 5: little tip jar out on your Twitter feed like it's
Speaker 5: non stop because there's no one coming to help. There's
Speaker 5: no relief.
Speaker 1: There's no bagettes in your future.
Speaker 5: There's yeah, and every three fifty a month, fifty's rain insane.
Speaker 3: I mean, we had three roommates, but it was a
Speaker 3: it was a first floor Victorian.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I just I just went up there and I
Speaker 5: was walking, we were walking the daughters through the neighborhood
Speaker 5: because I I down the little guide, I'm like, that's
Speaker 5: where the Grateful Dead lived, That's where Charles Manson lived,
Speaker 5: That's where like just pointing out all these Victorian houses
Speaker 5: and so yeah, that that but yeah, that you can't
Speaker 5: do that anymore.
Speaker 2: No, Charles Manson had a nice house.
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, I mean he lived in one of those
Speaker 5: problems he was. You could what I'm That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 5: You could be a struggling musician back then and live
Speaker 5: in a nice Victorian you know, a great musician, exactly,
Speaker 5: a great struggling musician.
Speaker 4: I lived with six or seven other murderers. But we
Speaker 4: have turreted. We have turrets.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, Oh the Wayne Scotting alone, the fucking Wayne
Speaker 5: Scott And don't even get me started.
Speaker 2: Uh your how's your your com?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 2: Is it minor threats?
Speaker 6: Minor threats? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I have a yeah, yeah, Ago, how did that end
Speaker 2: up happening?
Speaker 5: It?
Speaker 6: Uh?
Speaker 5: This my writing partner, the guy that we I wrote
Speaker 5: modoc with for Hulu. Uh. We I had this idea
Speaker 5: for a Batman story basically, and then it hit me,
Speaker 5: why because I've written for d C and Marvel. But
Speaker 5: I'm like, I'm busting my ass writing other people's ips.
Speaker 5: Why don't we just do a creator owned thing and
Speaker 5: just stay in control of it? And so we went
Speaker 5: to dark Horse, which is a smaller company, but they
Speaker 5: let the creators own their stuff. And it just we
Speaker 5: just ran with it. It's just and it's doing really well.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I didn't know you had already written comic books, so
Speaker 4: you already were totally in that world.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: But but the world I was in was, you know,
Speaker 5: d C. Hey, do you want to write a Batman story? Hey,
Speaker 5: do you want to write a you know, an x
Speaker 5: Men story?
Speaker 6: Hey? I'm like yes, obviously.
Speaker 5: But doing something from scratch, from the ground up, was
Speaker 5: completely something else for me. And it really really was like, Oh,
Speaker 5: I get to control this whole world. I can out,
Speaker 5: I can do flashbacks within this world or side stories.
Speaker 5: We can slowly populate this this imaginary place.
Speaker 6: It's great.
Speaker 3: And you must have said to yourself, hmm, what's Batman
Speaker 3: doing right now?
Speaker 4: That had to be something where you're imagining, like the
Speaker 4: fifteen year old version of yourself looking into the future
Speaker 4: and thinking, oh my god, I end up being so cool.
Speaker 5: Well, or thinking back? What really helps when you write comics.
Speaker 5: I think when you write anything, you flash back to
Speaker 5: your fifteen year old self and it was like, what
Speaker 5: was the cool stuff that I wasn't seeing that I
Speaker 5: wanted to see?
Speaker 6: And that's what you put into your work.
Speaker 2: Oh right, I don't think show this.
Speaker 6: And then so you show that.
Speaker 5: I mean that that's the whole basis of Star Wars
Speaker 5: with George Lucas watching Flash Gordon going well, shouldn't don't
Speaker 5: the aliens like get together and have a drink at
Speaker 5: the end of the day camp Like just throwing those
Speaker 5: scenes together were amazing, you know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, oh wow, and you remembered those things that you
Speaker 4: wished for when you were.
Speaker 5: I remember that, like what happens when a superhero does
Speaker 5: this or this and all that kind of But of like,
Speaker 5: comics now are so expanded, Like like I my comics reading,
Speaker 5: it's such a tiny slice of superhero comics and the
Speaker 5: rest are just these amazing stories about the world and
Speaker 5: about people. There's these writers doing genuinely incredible speculative that
Speaker 5: there's a great one that I'm written now called eight
Speaker 5: Billion Genies. And basically, one day everyone wakes up and
Speaker 5: every single all eight billion people on Earth have their
Speaker 5: own personal genie and all powerful genie, and the genie goes,
Speaker 5: I will grant you one wish, so everyone at the
Speaker 5: same time gets to wish for one thing. Now, there
Speaker 5: are crazy people out there, There are racists out there,
Speaker 5: There so the world just starts going insane because everyone
Speaker 5: starts wishing at once. Some people are smart to go
Speaker 5: I'm gonna hold back for a second and wait, I'm
Speaker 5: gonna wait till use I'm gonna see how this shakes
Speaker 5: out other people, like immediately I want a corvette and
Speaker 5: then and they have like a corvette, but then someone
Speaker 5: else has wished them to be dead, so it doesn't
Speaker 5: really matter, like you don't. And then you see how
Speaker 5: the world starts to change, and it's it's just it's
Speaker 5: so brilliant how they do stuff like, yeah, that's that's
Speaker 5: so cool.
Speaker 1: It's called the Billion Genies.
Speaker 5: Eight billion Genies, and god, it's so And there's another one.
Speaker 5: This guy, he's Elliott Kannan. I know I'm mispronouncing his name.
Speaker 5: You sede Be a Daily show writer. He wrote this
Speaker 5: amazing comic called Maniac of New York.
Speaker 6: And the whole basis of the comic.
Speaker 5: Is in like nineteen eighty five New Year's Eve, a
Speaker 5: Jason Vorhees type. This mask guy they call him ok
Speaker 5: like homicide Harry or something like that Maniac Harry.
Speaker 6: He's got a hockey mask on.
Speaker 5: And a big coat and he pops up in Times
Speaker 5: Square on New Year's Eve, kills eighteen people. The cops
Speaker 5: shoot him twenty times, he doesn't die, and he disappears,
Speaker 5: and then every few months since then he pops up
Speaker 5: in Manhattan and kills a couple of people with his machete,
Speaker 5: and Manhattan just adjusted to it. It's like, well, there
Speaker 5: was a maniac Harry siding tonight in Chelsea, so maybe
Speaker 5: go home early and otherwise the weather this weekend is
Speaker 5: going to be great, and it's ridiculous as it is.
Speaker 5: The obvious thing you think about is think of the
Speaker 5: mass shootings we have every day, and nothing stops, nothing
Speaker 5: stops anymore. We're just like, well they hey, like when
Speaker 5: you see it at the name of a town trending
Speaker 5: on Twitter, they're like, oh, there was a mass shooting.
Speaker 5: Some people were just sick shot and we're in business
Speaker 5: as usual.
Speaker 1: Or overturning Roe v.
Speaker 3: Wade and then suddenly it's like, let's raise money to
Speaker 3: have women shipped out of the.
Speaker 1: State where it was overturned.
Speaker 3: No, let's fucking grab weapons and go somewhere with that. Like, no,
Speaker 3: don't turn over that quickly. Heet so fucking frustrating, or.
Speaker 4: The current ignoring ignoring that COVID is still here, and
Speaker 4: everyone decided it isn't that that's another here.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but it's showing you how. And this is a
Speaker 5: scary thing. People will adjust to anything, to anything. They
Speaker 5: someone I forgot who tweeted it was like when I
Speaker 5: saw the those avengrous movies with a snap and half
Speaker 5: the people disappear and then then everyone comes back and
Speaker 5: life it just goes on, he goes. I thought that
Speaker 5: was so ridiculous until we went through two years of
Speaker 5: COVID and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's exactly what we
Speaker 5: would do.
Speaker 3: Yep, or four years of Trump of this man just
Speaker 3: making a mockery of leadership and like encouraging fucking being
Speaker 3: racist and being pieces of shit and being rapist, Like
Speaker 3: what the fuck kind of life change, It's like, it's
Speaker 3: almost good.
Speaker 1: We had a quarantine.
Speaker 3: After that, it's like, everybody, take a deep breath for
Speaker 3: two years, let's really think about some stuff and like,
Speaker 3: let's get strategic.
Speaker 2: Sorry, the twenty nineteen it's going to last for a while.
Speaker 6: This is going to be a long one guy. Yeah.
Speaker 5: So that's that idea of how quickly can you adjust
Speaker 5: to things? And again, it also makes you think back
Speaker 5: on history, why didn't Jewish people immediately leave Germany? Well,
Speaker 5: why didn't we? Why didn't I elite immediately leave America?
Speaker 5: It doesn't seem to be getting any better. But I'm
Speaker 5: hanging on. So you know, there's that very chilling phrase.
Speaker 5: I forgot who said it, but it was like the
Speaker 5: optimists went to the gas chambers and the pessimists went
Speaker 5: to America.
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's like, how optimistic should I stay? You know,
Speaker 6: it's a little and I.
Speaker 5: Have friends that are very openly just like they're putting
Speaker 5: it on their Instagram.
Speaker 6: Here I am.
Speaker 2: I'm up in.
Speaker 5: Vancouver looking at property work from up here. There's there's
Speaker 5: acting work up here. I'm fine, yeah, and I'm like,
Speaker 5: what the hell am I doing?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 1: Thanks for being on the show today.
Speaker 2: Well your last episode.
Speaker 6: Good luck fleeing. I wait for you for a Oh
Speaker 6: there's by the way they're saying.
Speaker 1: Is I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: Sorry.
Speaker 4: We just watched Karen get mauled, and you know they're like, well,
Speaker 4: add another thing.
Speaker 6: We just adjust. Come on, we got it.
Speaker 2: The rabbit dog mail chip.
Speaker 6: Is a wonderful service that us.
Speaker 4: And let's not forget about blue Apron, Blue Apron Oh.
Speaker 6: What kind of doggie do you have?
Speaker 1: Blossom.
Speaker 3: She's just a little terrier, you know, mutt that I
Speaker 3: just got. I thought she was old because my other dog, Frank,
Speaker 3: is fifteen and he had to go to the vet today.
Speaker 1: So she's by herself for the first time.
Speaker 3: So I had her locked out for like the first
Speaker 3: forty five minutes, and then I heard a single solitary cry,
Speaker 3: so I was like, fine, you can come in, and
Speaker 3: a of course, so she does this thing or she
Speaker 3: gets up on the desk and then there's nobody in
Speaker 3: this neighborhood really, but every once in a while somebody
Speaker 3: will walk their dog by and she goes fucking berserk
Speaker 3: because she's like up on the desk, like this is
Speaker 3: my spot, I'm watching out for everybody.
Speaker 1: So she was being cool for a while, but then
Speaker 1: then a dog walks by. She's like so adorable. Sorry
Speaker 1: about that.
Speaker 6: No, that's cool, that's that's awesome.
Speaker 5: There's a science fiction novel called The Man in the
Speaker 5: High Castle, and it's where the Nazis have won World
Speaker 5: War two and they have. Yeah, so Germany and Japan
Speaker 5: have annexed America and split it up into two territories,
Speaker 5: and everyone has adjusted and they're just trying to live
Speaker 5: as best they can. They one of the big industries
Speaker 5: in America is selling old memorabilia, old like Western memorabilia,
Speaker 5: Mickey Mouse stuff to German tourists because we become this
Speaker 5: charming little tourist spot, so we sell off pieces of
Speaker 5: our history. But there's this great throwaway line about how
Speaker 5: did you hear Bob Hope's broadcast last night? And they're like, oh,
Speaker 5: I don't. I can't get the frequency sometimes. Is he
Speaker 5: still in Vancouver? Is he still he's still on the run, right, Like, yeah,
Speaker 5: he was. He was doing it out of Ottawa. They
Speaker 5: because they're like they killed all the Jewish comedians, they
Speaker 5: killed all the Jews, and Bob Hope fled the country
Speaker 5: and has become this Lenny Bruce type doing dangerous comedy,
Speaker 5: making fun of the furor and and and and hero
Speaker 5: he too, and he's like that's the world he is,
Speaker 5: where like try to pick up Bob Hope's pirate broadcast tonight.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 4: Rather than being the reality of him being the USO Fast.
Speaker 5: Show next week year, he basically becomes like this this
Speaker 5: outlaw vigilante type.
Speaker 6: It's really cool.
Speaker 4: I got to read that or watch the show, or
Speaker 4: do something other than enjoying the soundtrack, which is a
Speaker 4: great soundtrack if you got to hear Beck do some
Speaker 4: uh some standard classics. H But yeah, I'm excited. I
Speaker 4: I'm going to get I hopefully I can redeem my
Speaker 4: one hundred dollars coupon that I still have for Meltdown.
Speaker 4: Wait what but I know I never redeemed it. I know,
Speaker 4: I know I never got it. But I want to
Speaker 4: get your comic book. And everyone should watch Patent's new special.
Speaker 2: We all scream right.
Speaker 6: All scream right Netflix right now.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm halfway through. I'm we're going to hang up
Speaker 4: and I'm going to get more of you.
Speaker 5: Well, I actually have to go because and this is
Speaker 5: actually happening.
Speaker 6: I just got a text.
Speaker 5: I have to go down to the lobby and get
Speaker 5: COVID tested because I am shooting tomorrow.
Speaker 6: So that is where I'm going when we get off
Speaker 6: this podcast, I'm going to get a swab up my nose.
Speaker 4: Who well, well, I can tell just by talking to
Speaker 4: you that you're one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I've become a doctor.
Speaker 4: Like a lot of people, I've become a doctor in
Speaker 4: the past couple of years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're fine, you're fine.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you for making time while you're on the road.
Speaker 3: That was very Yes, that's a real pain in the ass.
Speaker 5: I'm a big fan of the show, so I'm glad
Speaker 5: I finally got to do it. So thanks, guys. Is
Speaker 5: my first time.
Speaker 6: And I know that you took a hiatus for a while.
Speaker 5: You weren't doing it for a while, right right, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 5: because you know why, because during COVID no one needed
Speaker 5: a ride.
Speaker 6: No, no, they did not need a ride.
Speaker 2: And so we hope today you've enjoyed this ride to
Speaker 2: your to your hotel where you're clearly hiding in Vancouver.
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, taking a ride down to my COVID test.
Speaker 5: All right, guys, than great to see you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, see you too. See you guys, you've been listening
Speaker 4: to Do You Need a Ride?
Speaker 2: D y n a Are This has been an exactly
Speaker 2: right production.
Speaker 1: Produced by Analise Nelson.
Speaker 2: Mixed by John Bradley.
Speaker 1: Our talent booker is Patrick Cotner.
Speaker 2: Theme song by Karen Cobertt, art work.
Speaker 1: By Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 3: Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar
Speaker 3: podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.
Speaker 4: For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.
Speaker 1: Thank you well, you're welcome
Speaker 2: Dot com.