WEBVTT - Party of One 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:18.119 Welcome back to I Do Part two. I'm one of 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:21.320 your celebrity mentors here on the pod, Cheryl Burke. Today, 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:24.279 I wanted to talk about sex and intimacy from a 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:27.240 single woman's perspective. You guys know, I have been really 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:29.600 open about my celibacy journey, so I want to talk 0:00:29.640 --> 0:00:32.880 about that and also about this new trend we're hearing 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:36.559 a lot about sleeping in separate rooms. So today we're 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:40.280 joined by relationship coach doctor Shanna Bromley to talk all 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.160 about it. How are you, doctor Shanna, how are you doing. 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:47.040 I'm good. I've done a little bit of research on you, 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:50.040 and let's just get right into it and talk about 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:54.680 navigating intimacy. You know, I'm single. I have been very 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:57.680 open with my journey and how I've been celibate, and 0:00:57.760 --> 0:01:00.720 I've been choosing, obviously to be celibate for the past 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:04.200 I would say three years. I'm divorced and I'm just 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:06.880 choosing to date myself and it's been lovely. 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:10.080 I'm curious what brought you to that. 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:12.160 Decision dating myself? 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:17.480 Yeah, dating yourself being celibate. It's I admire the commitment. 0:01:17.520 --> 0:01:20.480 I'm always curious when people make that commitment to themselves. 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:23.440 It is something I've never done before. First of all, 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:28.600 I was a serial dater. Like I never was single, 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.600 not even for a day. It was always back to 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:34.759 back relationships since I was thirteen and I'm forty now, 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:40.600 so it has been something that I am also very 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.360 much in therapy and I have been for most of 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:45.280 my life and I will continue to be till the 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:48.040 day I die. But I this is part of my 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:51.640 work and being sober now for six years, you know, 0:01:51.720 --> 0:01:56.320 this is something that I now owe to myself. And yeah, 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.560 there's no rush for me to start dating again. 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.520 And for you being solid. Bit is it about not 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:08.200 having sex and sexuality with partners or is it also 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:10.480 part of you shutting down your own sexual energy? 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:15.000 Oh no, no, I'm very sexual with myself. Okay, okay, yeah, 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:18.000 but no I'm not dating, so therefore there is that 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:20.200 is not an option for me at the moment, which 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:23.560 is okay because I also fall in love quickly if 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:25.480 I do become intimate with you. But this is what 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:28.400 I'm currently working on, right So I mean, look, it 0:02:28.480 --> 0:02:31.040 all traces back to the way I was raised, to 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.720 the trauma I deal with this little girl. My definition 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:37.840 of love is not necessarily something that I want to 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:41.440 continue to live by because I want to change the 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:43.760 pattern in my brain. So in order for that to happen, 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:47.400 I really have to slowly rewire. You know, there's no 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:50.160 time limit, there's no taking time bomb, though there is 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:53.160 for our lives, but like one day at a time, 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:57.120 like my sobriety, and yeah, I just don't have that 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.000 urge like I used to. I think I felt like 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:04.040 I needed that person was going to complete me. But 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:07.519 we all know that that doesn't happen through outside sources, right, 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:10.640 that's all from within, And that's what I'm currently working 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:14.000 on at this moment all at all. I've been very 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:17.839 open with just my story, especially on this podcast. What 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:22.040 do you believe is important when it comes to whether 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:26.239 it's newly being broken up as far as intimacy goes, 0:03:26.240 --> 0:03:29.480 whether that's with yourself or with other partners, Is it 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:32.880 important to continue the intimacy? Is it okay to take breaks? 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.520 Is it okay to just be celibate like me? 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.560 I think absolutely, it's okay to do whatever you feel 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:44.520 called to do. I don't think celibacy, it's I mean 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:47.360 the connections, your sexual connection should be the connection you 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:51.280 have with yourself. I don't think that that should ever 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:53.920 go away. I think that's something that we should always 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:57.960 invest our time into. Sensuality is absolutely something that every 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:00.320 woman and every man that they should keep for them selves, 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:01.840 whether they're in a partnership or not. 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:07.640 Right, And when it comes to the older generation, right, 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.720 because I think that there is this whole thing when 0:04:12.720 --> 0:04:15.360 giving pleasure to yourself for example, right, it's like a 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:18.440 I think it is generational. I don't know, maybe it's not. 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:22.080 Maybe it's just where I was raised, who knows, But 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:26.719 I believe that there is this weird like how dare you? 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:30.640 You can't you can't please yourself and you have to 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:32.800 stay in a marriage or you know, all of these 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:40.640 societal expectations. How how does one accept themselves if they 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:43.600 want to do something that may not be what they 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:44.279 think is right? 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:48.279 I think you are a spot on. I think society, 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:53.080 whether it's church, whether it's our educational systems, whether it's 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:58.200 just traditional family values and systems have programmed us to 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:03.000 feel that sex for pleasure, self pleasure, that it's dirty 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:07.479 and the big stigma behind it. And you know, I 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:10.720 think especially so for women, you know that you're supposed 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:12.720 to be the good girl, you're supposed to be a 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:16.920 program and so pleasing yourself. Yeah, I think a lot 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.360 of us need to break through those like societal programmings 0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:20.960 that we have. 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:22.560 And how do you do that? 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:28.400 I think Number one just understanding that pleasure is not 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:32.840 a dirty thing. Pleasure is divine, It is a gift 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:37.320 in I mean, sensuality essentially means tuning into your sense it. 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:42.000 There's nothing dirty or wrong about that. It's beautiful part 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.160 of being a human being. And I think if you're 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.520 having a hard time kind of breaking through that cap, 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:51.560 then you can do some research and find other people 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:56.080 who are also struggling with the same programming and then 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:59.080 realize like, hey, I'm not the only one that's feeling 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.839 this way. There's a lot people that want to be 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.880 having pleasure and are having pleasure and it's normal and 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:07.279 it's beautiful and it should be cherished and it should 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:08.120 be celebrated. 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:11.800 Absolutely, And I think also having these conversations are it's 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:14.480 very important, you know, because we have to normalize it, 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:19.200 like this is not I think living in that strict 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:22.360 you know, in that world in our heads mainly, right, 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:24.280 isn't it? Because like when you start to actually have 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:27.320 the conversation, You're like, oh, I'm not alone, like at all. 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:31.520 Absolutely, do you think that women get judged more for 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:38.440 being celibate than than men? Do? I find means it's wow, 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.960 you're so strong and with women, it's kind of a 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:43.960 whole different mindset around it. 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:46.120 It's kind of like because I've been so open, right, 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:48.520 Like I I'm like an open book. I can care 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:51.240 less what I mean, I care what people think about 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:53.880 or what's what they think as far as like sometimes 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:56.200 of what I say is it too much? But it 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:58.440 is because I'm a woman, Like I don't think we 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:01.120 get celebrated enough. That is kind of like, oh, you'll 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:02.920 find the right one, Like that's not the reason why 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:06.080 I'm celibate. Like I know I can find the right one, 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:08.880 but I'm not out there finding the right one because 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:11.720 I don't want to, Like I'm finding myself right. So 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:14.760 like that alone, it's almost like that without even the 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:21.280 celibacy part, it's kind of like, oh. 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:22.520 Yeah, absolutely people think that as a woman, a single woman, 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:28.160 like it's it's it's a sad experience. I don't understand. 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:32.320 I mean, seeing single is so empowering. You get to 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:36.880 design your life. You don't need to accommodate anybody else. 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:40.920 It's it's such a it's such an empowering experience, but 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:43.440 it's very sad that society looks on it like, oh, 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:45.080 you poor thing, you're. 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.760 Gonna die alone. Well how about this, We're all gonna 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:52.000 die alone? Like this is not a new news people, 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:53.440 and like who's going to take care of you when 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:58.360 you're old? Like what this is? Instead? Like you know 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:02.280 how people celebrate, Oh, we're Instagram official, Like I'm Instagram 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:06.400 official with myself, Like why can't we all just celebrate both, 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:10.120 you know, and the fact like Valentine's Day it's oh, 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:13.480 I'm so so, Like I am so I've never been 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:18.840 so consistently content, and the love I have for myself 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.920 has never been where it is today. Put it that way, 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.440 not even close than when I was in relationships. Now. 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:26.680 I'm not saying it's black and white, right, Like I 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.040 truly believe that maybe now if I were to be 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:32.800 in a relationship, yes, things would change, but it does 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:37.040 take time to cause my I always say my lazy brain, 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:41.480 meaning like if I'm not really conscious and really thinking 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:47.680 about who I'm dating or what I'm attracting and vice versa. 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.160 I will go back to those old patterns right so 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:53.840 I'm not scared of doing it. I'm just like, in 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:57.280 this moment, in this present time, I'm really enjoying myself 0:08:57.720 --> 0:08:59.640 in my own company, and I don't think that's a 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:04.480 bad I'm forty, yes, And people are like, they say, 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:06.440 do you realize it? Maybe you're not gonna be able 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:09.679 to have kids. I'm like, yeah, guys, Like, it's just 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:12.559 so crazy how people are so open and quick to 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:15.120 judge others, but when it comes to their own experiences, 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.200 it's a big no no or I overshare. It's either 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:19.960 or you can never please everybody. 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.280 I tend to look at whether we're single or we're 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:28.000 in partnership as what is my spiritual assignment right now? 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:32.680 Is it that I need to grow? I've had times 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:35.720 where I've chosen, like, I really want to be single 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:38.360 right now, because, like you, I might have been serial 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:42.240 dating or am I dependent relationships, or I might not 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.240 have been able to release relationships when I knew that 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:47.880 they weren't right for me. And so I knew that 0:09:47.920 --> 0:09:50.640 a period of time with just me, myself and I 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:52.679 was what I needed for my own healing and my 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:55.839 own growth, and then down that I've reached a point 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:59.960 where I'm like, okay, you know, I'm ready for an 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:03.880 other challenge right now and and and right now. For 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.600 me in partnership, it's quite a challenge at times because 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:12.240 you're you're triggered so much in partnership as well, and 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:17.679 it's an opportunity for me to look at what the 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:19.160 mirror is in the situation. 0:10:19.360 --> 0:10:20.959 Oh my god, it's got chills. 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:24.199 There's not a right or wrong. It's a very personal 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:27.080 decision about where is your healing and where is your 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:30.120 growth and what type of container right now is right 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:40.880 for you. 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:43.960 You have said so many important things just now about 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.839 it really is. It's kind of like the triggers, right 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:51.680 are so important to look at and observe and not react, 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:55.160 But that's so much easier said than done. Are you 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.559 so you're so you are in a partnership. 0:10:57.080 --> 0:10:59.160 Currently, Yeah, I'm in a partnership. 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:00.600 It's new, okay. 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:04.920 But it was after a period where I'd been by 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:07.840 my own for about a year and a half, okay, 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:13.000 and I just started feeling a little stagnant. My life 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:15.880 was I was I was, I was, I was, I 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:20.080 was making my life quite isolated. I found so partnership 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:23.439 for me was I was ready for more challenges. I 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:27.240 was ready for Have I resolved my childhood traumas? Can 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:29.360 I be foot put in front of the triggers and 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:33.520 learn to respond and not react, learn to take a 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:37.480 higher perspective? Can I learn to love and lean in 0:11:37.679 --> 0:11:39.880 when I really just want to hit the eject button 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:40.920 and run for the hills. 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:44.640 I hear you, Oh, okay, so you've done a lot 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:46.440 of work on yourself. Would you like to tell me 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:48.640 and my listeners like your background a little bit, just 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:52.040 so you know, we know, uh, we just know a 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.040 little bit more about you, because it's so fascinating. 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:57.120 Sure, I mean, I grew up. 0:11:59.160 --> 0:11:59.360 You know. 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:02.240 I don't think that there's good people are bad people. 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.400 I think that we're all doing the very best we 0:12:04.480 --> 0:12:07.400 can with our states of consciousness at the time. But 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:10.640 the environment that I grew up in was not very nurturing, 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:15.240 and it was quite traumatizing, and it really left me 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:18.960 with a lot of limiting beliefs about myself. I fully 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:22.880 believed that I was not lovable, I would never be enough. 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:27.080 And I started as I became a teenager and I 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:31.400 became an adult, I started making really bad decisions for myself. 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:34.840 I hang out with people that I thought would equate 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:39.840 to my worth, and that resulted in very abusive relationships 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:43.920 and just a life of chaos. And I just had 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:46.480 this moment one day where I just said, I don't 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:50.320 want this, I don't want this anymore, and so I 0:12:50.400 --> 0:12:54.000 just committed myself to education at that point in time, 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:58.680 so not just with psychology, but with metaphysics and spirituality, 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:02.240 really just trying to to learn as much as I 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:06.840 can from my healing. And then now I spend every 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:09.120 day helping people, you know, find their way out of 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:09.800 the darkness. 0:13:10.320 --> 0:13:17.400 Wow, I can relate big time. And it's beautiful what 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:19.560 you're doing as far as you know, being of service 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:22.880 because there's so many people who I'm sure also can 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.280 relate to your story in a way. And that feels 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:29.120 stagnant and stuck. And it's interesting because when you say that, 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:33.280 it's like, I don't feel that right now, just right now, 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:36.480 I can only speak for now right and regardless of time. 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:38.880 What is time anyway at the end of the day. 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:42.320 But that I felt like that, like in my relationships 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.760 and that feeling of stagnant, I know it very well, 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:49.319 and it was it is something that you can get 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:50.400 really comfortable in. 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:57.000 Absolutely, for me, it was very disempowering to be in 0:13:57.040 --> 0:14:01.560 relationships before I really needed to spend time alone and 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:07.480 just really focus on loving myself. My grandmother was somebody 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:10.079 that was a beautiful person in my life, and when 0:14:10.120 --> 0:14:13.080 she had transitioned, she had left me her like great 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:16.640 great grandmother's engagement ring. And so the promise that I'd 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:19.280 made to myself when I had that aha moment was 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:21.800 I put it on my finger and I said, from 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:24.040 now on, I'm going to date you, I'm going to 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:27.720 love you. And I look back and it's such a 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.640 transition of how did that girl become this girl? And 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:33.000 really what it was it was just a decision to 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:37.160 love me and invest in me every day and then 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:41.120 slowly but surely you fill up your own cup and 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:44.480 you just experience the world and people within it in 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:48.120 a very different way. But it was necessary absolutely for me. 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:52.120 That takes a lot of self awareness, though, right, So, like, 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.720 how does one do that if they they're just not 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:58.440 self aware? Like you know, I guess it's kind of 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:00.800 like do you have to hit rock bottom for that 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:03.680 to happen? I know it's different for everybody, but like 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:08.120 I have to take accountability for my sobriety, it's very similar, 0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:12.920 you know. And I truly believe I'm not grateful for 0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:15.280 the trauma that has happened in my life, obviously, but 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:19.200 because of the trauma, I'm able to voice I believe 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:24.640 this very in an open setting. And I think that 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:27.760 for that, I know, is the reason why that has happened, 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:29.960 you know, because I know we're helping people. 0:15:30.760 --> 0:15:33.680 I do. I do actually think we need to hit 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:37.800 a rock bottom. If I look at my own experiences 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:39.720 and I look at anyone that's ever come to me 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.320 as a client, no one's ever come to me when 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:45.760 everything was going great and I can blow up? How 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:50.360 can I level up? It's always been like, wow, Okay, 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:54.280 I just realize that I'm the common denominator in all 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:56.680 of these things that don't feel good. What can I do? 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.280 And I actually haven't seen anyone come to me when 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:02.880 they haven't been in a place of pain and they 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:07.560 haven't been comfort So I wish I could say, yeah, 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:10.840 we just had like a seed of inspiration and self 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:14.520 awareness that just blossomed one day, but I haven't seen it. 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.960 Yeah, No, I think you're right. Actually, something has to 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.440 happen to where you're like, okay, I give up, like 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.200 you can. You can't blame anybody else but yourself. 0:16:24.840 --> 0:16:29.560 We surrender, and what's just like okay, okay, what do 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:30.280 I need to do? 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:37.320 Okay? So what happens when you're just not sexually inspired 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:41.840 or you're no longer motivated? Like, do you do you? 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:45.080 Is it important to reach oge like to re energize 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:46.680 that part of you? 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:50.160 Yeah? I think our sexual energy is our creative energy. 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:53.440 So I do think that it is essential that we 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:57.680 invest into ourselves and we cultivate that energy. Now, we're 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:00.240 not going to just be in the mood for that 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:03.120 a lot of the time, but it's the same as 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:05.720 if I want to have a certain body, I might 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:07.679 not feel like going to the gym, but I know 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:09.840 I need to go do those habits in order to 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:13.119 cultivate the result that I'm looking for. And well that 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.360 sensual energy and sexual energy and creative energy is all 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.240 something that is a lifeline to me and makes me 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:24.440 feel vibrant and happy and resonate on a higher vibrational level. 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:27.360 Then I know that I need to take the actions 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:29.919 and the habits that are going to cultivate that, and 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:34.520 it's really about exploration and a self discovery. There's a 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:37.800 million death of different methodologies that we can use to 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:39.760 start to channel our sexual energy. 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.479 I think movement. I'm a dancer, you know, so like 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.080 for me, it's just like self awareness with the body, 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:47.280 even just like it doesn't have to you don't have 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:49.600 to go to the nearest sex store, you know, or 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:53.560 whatever it's called. But like, honestly, it's just being in 0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:56.320 tune with your body, like just breathing. 0:17:56.560 --> 0:18:01.600 How about just breathing, stretching even just I mean sensual energy. 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:06.280 It's your senses. It's not about your dina, It's about senses. 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:09.720 And it's any way that you feel like you can 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:12.000 tune into your senses. You can sit here in the 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:14.199 room and you can look at where the shadows and 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:18.040 the light meat. You can smell and see what's the 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:21.880 most fragrant smell if you can taste. I can take 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:25.840 coffee on my breath right now, How does this dress 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:28.959 feel on my body? Right now? It can be just 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:32.000 having a nice bubble bath with essential oils and giving 0:18:32.000 --> 0:18:35.439 myself that time. It can be putting moisture lotion on. 0:18:35.520 --> 0:18:36.760 It can be stretching, it can be. 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:40.120 To love self care. This is all the giving back 0:18:40.160 --> 0:18:42.560 because like, you can't do anything if you don't fill 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.080 your cup up. You can't be there for anybody. I 0:18:45.119 --> 0:18:47.760 mean you can, but it's gonna run out, like you're 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:48.720 gonna break. 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:52.399 Yeah, you're gonna be resentful. What you give to others 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:55.040 has to be what's left over, what's spilling out of 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:57.760 your cup. You can't give up. It has to spill 0:18:57.760 --> 0:18:58.480 out of your cup. 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:12.040 So when it comes to partnership and you want to 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:15.240 self please and have you know, please yourself, is it 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:18.359 something to be open as far as communication goes, Because 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:24.720 I have experienced you know, ex partners of mine who 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:28.640 may have not necessarily loved the idea of me giving 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:34.280 pleasure to myself and have wanted to always be around 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:37.640 at every time, you know. And obviously I just think 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:40.960 people analyze things a little too much. And maybe also 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:44.240 I maybe I did not have to talk to them 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:46.040 about it, you know what I mean as far as 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:48.080 that goes, Maybe it's not their business. I don't know. 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:50.520 You tell me, Well, it really depends what kind of 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:54.120 relationship that you want to have. Yeah, I think if 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:59.480 somebody is trying to control your pleasure. That's a red flag. Yes, 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:03.840 I don't really agree with pornography. I think that there 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:07.200 can be an issue when we're using external people and 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:13.119 external stimulus to orgasm and the pleasure. For me, I 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:16.479 think it should be more about using your imagination and 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:21.320 tuning into your body and connecting to yourself. I understand 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:27.480 people feeling insecure and having fear based thoughts if they 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:30.960 think that, you know, you rather watch porn than be 0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:33.359 with them, and I can see how a lot of 0:20:33.480 --> 0:20:37.399 meanings can be given to that. I don't think it's 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:41.760 necessary that you say, hey, this morning, you know, I'm 0:20:41.760 --> 0:20:45.280 masturbated and it was so awesome. Of course I think 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:47.600 we need to share that, but it's also what kind 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:50.000 of relationship do you want to have with somebody. If 0:20:50.000 --> 0:20:52.159 that's something important to you that you guys are in 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.119 alignment on and that you do share, then yeah, you 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:57.080 want to share. If it's something that you want to 0:20:57.160 --> 0:21:00.840 keep as a ritual for yourself, that's fine too. I 0:21:00.880 --> 0:21:03.320 don't necessarily tell my partner every time I take a 0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:04.000 bubble bath. 0:21:04.359 --> 0:21:06.640 No, right, So. 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:09.840 It's just really I don't think there's a right and 0:21:09.920 --> 0:21:14.040 wrong container. It's really about you knowing where you want 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.480 your relationship to be and then you make that you're 0:21:17.520 --> 0:21:20.040 taking the actions and the habits in order to create 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:20.880 that for yourself. 0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:25.520 Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean I will from 0:21:25.600 --> 0:21:27.639 I mean years ago when I was in a I 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:30.440 have only been in serious relationships, you know, so and 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:33.480 plural back to back as you know now. But it 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:36.199 was interesting because, like when it comes to porn and 0:21:36.240 --> 0:21:39.199 all that stuff, you know, if it happens regularly and 0:21:39.240 --> 0:21:42.600 it's without you, then obviously those feelings of like am 0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:46.800 I enough or not enough come up? And when you 0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:51.160 say like outside pleasure in a wait, are you also 0:21:51.200 --> 0:21:53.440 talking about like sex toys and stuff like that as well. 0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:57.400 No, I think sex toys are fine because you're still 0:21:57.480 --> 0:21:59.960 using your imaginary, you're. 0:21:59.880 --> 0:22:03.040 Not using another person that you're watching another person. 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:05.600 And I think the issue with pornography too is it 0:22:05.640 --> 0:22:10.040 does to stimulate you because there's always people trying to 0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:12.879 push the threshold more and more and more, and peorn 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:16.760 is performative. It's not real. Sex doesn't look like that, 0:22:17.280 --> 0:22:21.120 so it also just creates really unrealistic expectations. 0:22:21.560 --> 0:22:25.919 Yeah, yeah, no, it's not healthy, yeah at all. I 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:28.199 don't think, but like if to each their own, you know, 0:22:28.359 --> 0:22:29.800 and I think when it comes to that, I do 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:33.760 believe open conversation and being transparent is important because when 0:22:33.760 --> 0:22:36.320 you start to hide it, which I've also experienced, is 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:39.440 just not that to me is like a red flag. 0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:43.080 Well, if you feel that you need to hide anything, 0:22:43.240 --> 0:22:45.320 it's all a red flag. 0:22:45.160 --> 0:22:48.960