WEBVTT - Confidence Expert Dr. Shadé Zahrai: Feel Like You’re Not Enough? THIS Proven 4 Part Framework Will Transform Your Self-Image & Build REAL Confidence 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:02.600 Ninety percent of people are waiting for that feeling of 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:05.880 confidence before they take that step. That feeling of confidence 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:07.880 it does not come before we take the action. It 0:00:07.960 --> 0:00:09.320 comes after we take the action. 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:12.520 Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose Sam your host 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:16.640 Jay Shetty, and today I'm joined by Shade Zarai, Award 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:21.520 winning leadership expert and author of her first book, Big Trust. 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:23.440 If you haven't got your copy yet, make sure you 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:25.560 go and grab it. We're going to put the link 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:28.720 in the caption. If you've ever felt held back by 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:32.360 self doubt or fear of failure, this conversation will show 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:36.080 you how to trust yourself again and start moving forward 0:00:36.400 --> 0:00:40.559 with real confidence. I've followed Shade on Instagram and TikTok 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.080 for years now. I'm a huge fan, and today I 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:46.520 finally have her on the seat on On Purpose. Please 0:00:46.560 --> 0:00:49.920 welcome to the show, Shadai Shaday. It's so great to 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:50.360 have you here. 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:51.519 It's so wonderful to be here. 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:55.360 Jays, congratulations on that. Thank you. I love the topic. 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:58.760 I'm so glad that you zeroed in on it. I 0:00:58.800 --> 0:01:03.760 actually believe that that self doubt is, without a doubt, 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:07.080 one of the biggest issues in the world today. At 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:10.520 an individual personal level. And the reason why so many 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:13.280 people don't go after their dreams, don't go after the 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.840 career they want, don't go after the person they want 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:19.080 to be with, don't go after a promotion, don't go 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:23.760 after a connection a friendship, because we are scared of 0:01:23.800 --> 0:01:27.160 how we'll be perceived. And the reason why I'm so 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:29.280 happy we're talking about this subject and that you've dedicated 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:32.280 your book to it is because I often think about 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.240 what my life would look like if I had listened 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:38.679 to myself doubt. And I think people think that people 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:42.960 who've had some success in their career don't feel self doubt. 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:45.200 And I would say I felt self doubt before I started, 0:01:45.760 --> 0:01:47.960 I felt selfed out during it, and because I still 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:50.200 think about the beginning, I still feel self out today, 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:54.840 but I know what to do with it, and your 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:56.720 book gives us a brilliant method. So I want to 0:01:56.720 --> 0:01:59.000 start off by asking you, if someone was to listen 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:02.520 to our podcast today, what would they overcome and what 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:03.920 skills would they build? 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:06.640 So this is essentially going to be a master class 0:02:07.080 --> 0:02:10.200 on self doubt, but not only what it is actually 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:13.960 determining for yourself. What are the drivers of your self 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:15.839 doubt because we think self doubt is just one big 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:18.800 blob of worry and anxiety and insecurity. But when we 0:02:18.840 --> 0:02:21.840 look at decades worth of literature my own research over 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:25.080 the past five years, we've distilled it down to four 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:28.520 main drivers. And so if you're able to determine, okay, 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:31.639 where am I on these drivers, which one is really 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:34.720 propelling myself doubt, that allows you to then determine what 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:37.520 you need to do to move through it. As you said, 0:02:37.760 --> 0:02:41.399 self doubt doesn't necessarily disappear with achievement. It doesn't disappear 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:44.280 as you advanced in your career. It just scales with responsibility. 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:47.960 But the real measure of someone's success and happiness is 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:50.200 if they can hear the voice of self doubt and 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:52.560 still move forward anyway. And so what I want to 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:56.320 help everyone listening with today is to determine which of 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:58.960 the drivers of their self doubt is taking the driver's seat, 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:01.560 and then exactly what they need to do to move 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:03.799 through it so they can get the connection they want, 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:06.080 the success they want, the performance that they want, and 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:07.360 create the life that they want. 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:09.839 I love it. Let's talk about the four drivers, because 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:11.760 I'm fascinated now as well too. Let's do it to 0:03:11.800 --> 0:03:13.880 discover I've been dealing with it. 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:17.320 We can actually diagnose your doubt profile it. So the 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:19.080 first thing we need to do is rewind a little bit. 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:22.280 How did we come across these four drivers. So we've 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:25.320 been working with leaders and teams across organizations for the 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:28.400 last five to ten years, that's tens of thousands of people, 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:31.000 and we found that again, no matter where someone was 0:03:31.000 --> 0:03:33.440 at on their journey, they were hearing this voice of 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:36.200 doubt and it would sound different and it would look different. 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.400 But then we wanted to know, okay, specifically what is 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:41.840 driving this and we need to bring it back to 0:03:41.880 --> 0:03:44.600 something called yourself image. Let me tell you about a 0:03:44.600 --> 0:03:47.480 study that was conducted in the seventies and it opens 0:03:47.520 --> 0:03:49.720 your mind as to the power of the self image 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:53.040 that we have about ourselves and how that keeps repeating 0:03:53.360 --> 0:03:56.360 throughout our lives. So in the nineteen seventies, a psychology 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:59.920 professor by the name of Robert Kleck from Dartmouth can 0:04:00.000 --> 0:04:02.560 Hedu did this fascinating experiment where he brought people together, 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:05.040 he split them into groups, and with one group he 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.200 drew a scar on their face from their right ear 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:11.240 to the side of their mouth. Big, ugly scar, and 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:14.000 he let them see themselves in a hand mirror. Then 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:17.640 he sends the groups out to have conversation with strangers. Right, 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:19.760 so you have one group that has this scar, another 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.039 group has no scar. After the conversations, they come back 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:25.800 and they report on how they felt the conversation went. 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:30.600 The group with the scar overwhelmingly reported that they felt judged, 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:34.240 it was tense. The other person was distant because of 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.400 the scar. But here is where it gets really interesting. 0:04:37.839 --> 0:04:41.039 If we rewind just a little bit, Right before the 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:44.800 researchers sent them out into these conversations, he applied moisturizing 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.039 cream to the scar, so they just see themselves in 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:49.679 the mirror. He then applies his cream, but he doesn't 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:51.920 tell them that he's removing the scar. 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:52.960 Wow. 0:04:53.000 --> 0:04:55.240 So now they have no scar on their face, but 0:04:55.320 --> 0:04:59.200 they believe that they do. They go into these conversations 0:04:59.279 --> 0:05:04.480 believing expecting they will be treated badly, poorly judged, and 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:05.800 that's what they experience. 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:06.359 Wow. 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:09.680 It's wild when you think about the implications for us 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:12.640 in our lives. Okay, it may not be a physical scar, 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:16.719 but we all have beliefs or expectations about ourselves based 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:19.720 on how we see ourselves our self image, and then 0:05:19.760 --> 0:05:22.839 we're going to notice things that reinforce it. Because of 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:27.360 how the brain is wired confirmation bias, selective attention. Your 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.160 brain is wired to magnify what you focus on. So 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:33.240 if you're going into your life, into your conversations, into 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:36.640 your meetings, into your work, believing that you're not worthy, 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:40.040 that you're not capable, that you don't deserve it, you're 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:42.240 going to notice things that reinforce that, and it's only 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:44.880 going to make you feel worse. So we know that 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:47.280 about self image. So the first question to ask ourselves 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:49.960 is what are these invisible scars that we are carrying 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:53.480 throughout our lives? How can we become more aware of them? 0:05:53.920 --> 0:05:56.440 So then my next question is great, So that's the 0:05:56.440 --> 0:05:59.919 power of self image, and self image drives our self doubt. 0:06:00.560 --> 0:06:03.000 But how do you measure self image? If I were 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:05.000 to ask you, Jay, what do you think your self images? 0:06:05.480 --> 0:06:07.440 You might share something and then I'd ask someone else 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:09.360 what do you think your self images? And they might 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:12.760 share something else. We need to determine if something is measurable, 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:15.240 so we can determine what it is. And when we 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:17.839 look at over fifty years worth of research, this is 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:20.680 when we find that, yes, there's a lot of information 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:23.800 out there, but it really comes down to just four 0:06:24.000 --> 0:06:27.320 dimensions of how we see ourselves. And when these four 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:31.560 things come together, that shapes our self image, it shapes 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.000 how we interact with the world. Not only that these 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:38.440 four things that actually have their base in our personality, 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:41.280 they have been shown through meta analyses of over one 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:46.560 hundred studies to predict our success, our job performance, our 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:49.560 career satisfaction, how happy we are in our life, and 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:52.479 our relationships. And it all comes down to these four things. 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:55.240 And I could not believe it when I came across it. 0:06:55.720 --> 0:06:57.480 So let me tell you what these four things are. 0:06:57.520 --> 0:07:00.640 Because essentially these four things drive our self image, which 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:04.080 then drives our self doubt when they're weak. So the 0:07:04.240 --> 0:07:06.960 very very first one, the first driver of your self doubt, 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:10.360 which shapes your self image, is what we call acceptance 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:15.720 self acceptance. It relates to this personality trait of self esteem. 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:18.760 So how you see yourself in terms of your value 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:22.680 and your worth. Now, if you don't accept yourself it 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:26.320 shows up in four painfully familiar habits. The first one 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.160 is what we call the pressure to prove you feel 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:32.520 like you constantly have to prove yourself through your work, 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:35.720 through your performance. You have to prove that you are 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:38.200 of value to other people, so you seek their validation 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:40.840 and their praise, and when you don't get it, it 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:44.200 becomes this automatic switch and you need to win it back. 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:47.760 That's the first The second one is what we call 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:51.480 the shrinking syndrome. So this is where someone might be 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:56.040 afraid of success because they don't accept who they are, 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:59.480 and therefore they're afraid of what will happen if something 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:02.040 amazing happens to them, because deep down they don't feel 0:08:02.040 --> 0:08:04.280 like they deserve it, so then they try and sabotage 0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:07.680 before they get there. The third is what we call 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:11.480 the Schaudenfreuder cycle and the shaden Freuda cycle. You may 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:13.560 have heard of it. It's a German term. It's that 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:16.800 moment when you see someone else fail and you suddenly 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:19.280 feel really good about yourself. You feel a little bit 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:23.480 better about yourself, you enjoy other people's failures. This is 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.320 a sign that you do not accept yourself. Wow, your 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:29.240 self seem is suffering. And then the fourth pattern that 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:31.880 we see here is of course that endless need for approval. 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:35.600 We need other people to like us to validate us, 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:39.320 we might become codependent in our relationships. We say yes 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:41.640 when we really want to say no. We wear masks 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:45.280 and contort ourselves to better suit the people around us, 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:48.400 but in doing so, we lose ourselves. So that is 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:52.520 the first and in my view, the most foundational acceptance. 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:55.920 And as I'm learning about it from you, it feels 0:08:55.960 --> 0:08:59.760 like that starts so early and you're just carrying it 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.600 for all these years, and then you become aware of 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:06.880 it when you're starting to apply for a job, or 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:09.360 you're wanting to put yourself forward for a promotion, or 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:11.680 you're trying to find the relationship with your dreams, and 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:13.880 all of a sudden, now you're like, well, why do 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:15.480 I feel this way? And I can imagine a lot 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.760 of our listeners right now are sitting here going, shauday, 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:21.160 I do all of those four things. That's me. Yeah, 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.079 that's me. And so if someone's listening right now and 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:27.240 just saying shadah jay, that's me. I do all four 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:29.800 of those things. I have no idea do I have 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:32.760 to stop doing those things? Do I have to? So 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.240 I self acceptance, That is the issue that I'm having. 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:39.280 I don't accept myself according to your four measures, where 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:41.480 do I even begin to go? What questions should I 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:43.080 be asking? From that point? 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:45.400 So I love how you mentioned that we developed this 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:47.320 early in life. Let's start there and then we'll go 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:49.960 to how we can start to break the attachment that 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:52.840 we have to this. So generally, this sense of acceptance 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:55.920 that we have develops in the first three to four years. 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:59.080 Initially it's based on the response we get from our 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:02.720 parents a primary caregivers, and then it also develops based 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:05.360 on whether we feel that we get the emotional support 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:09.360 and the nurturing that we need. If you feel like 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:13.719 you constantly have to earn your parents' attention or do 0:10:13.800 --> 0:10:15.880 something exciting to get them to pay attention to you, 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:19.000 then we develop this belief that I must perform to 0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:21.920 be worthy. It can also happen later in life when 0:10:22.360 --> 0:10:25.240 a parent says to you or compares your report card 0:10:25.240 --> 0:10:28.600 your grades to a sibling, or makes you feel like 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:32.720 you're only of value when you're winning an award or 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:37.280 coming first in the swimming competition that you're in the race. 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:40.000 So we develop these really early on, and you know, 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:41.679 we do need to acknowledge so much of who we 0:10:41.720 --> 0:10:44.560 are as a result of those early experiences. That doesn't 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:46.840 mean we are a prisoner to that, and it doesn't 0:10:46.880 --> 0:10:49.880 mean that we should be blaming that environment and our 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:52.600 parents and our you know, the caregivers that we had. 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:54.640 We need to acknowledge that they were doing the best 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:56.120 that they could with what they knew at the time. 0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:59.880 We have this beautiful ability of taking ownership of our lives, 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:01.880 which actually comes down to the third pillar, which we'll 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:04.680 get to, which allows us to, as you said, become 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:08.040 aware of these patterns so often, Jay, and if you're listening, 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:10.839 you may find that you have not been aware of 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:13.960 these things. And it's only when you listen to sessions 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.160 like this, conversations like this, when you read a book 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:19.800 where you suddenly start to almost self diagnose and realize, oh, 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.920 this is me. See that as a really positive thing, 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:27.000 because you're identifying that you are part of this experience 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:29.600 as opposed to just this is who I am. So 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:31.719 that's a really positive thing. So what do we do 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:35.480 if we identify Okay, I'm really struggling with acceptance. The 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.480 very first thing is to acknowledge that you are not 0:11:37.559 --> 0:11:41.280 your thoughts and you are not your beliefs. Beliefs are 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:43.920 simply just a repeated pattern of thought that has happened 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:47.080 so many times in our brain that it becomes a default. 0:11:47.480 --> 0:11:50.920 It's just a really really fast process neural pathway. And 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:52.680 in the same way that a belief is formed early 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:56.280 in our lives, we can overwrite that belief. Yes it 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:59.800 takes time, Yes it takes a repetition, Yes it takes practice, 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:03.520 but we have the ability to do that through conscious choice. 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:08.040 And so the moment you start noticing that you're feeling insecure, 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.160 those thoughts come into your mind. I can't do this, 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:13.280 I don't deserve this. I'm not enough. That's the key 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:16.600 phrase for someone who lacks acceptance. I'm not enough. So 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:19.840 I must prove that I'm enough. I must earn that 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:22.160 feeling from other people. I must chase it through achievement. 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.520 The moment you notice that, consciously re engage the prefrontal 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.440 part of your brain. This is how you re engage 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.640 attention and say to yourself, hold on, I don't need 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:35.480 to believe that thought. I don't need to believe that belief. 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:41.119 Remind yourself that I have value, I am of value. 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:43.640 And one of the simplest hacks that you can use 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:47.640 in those moments is to stop thinking about yourself. I 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:49.600 know that sounds really odd to say, but when we 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:52.520 are suffering with a lack of self acceptance, it's always 0:12:52.640 --> 0:12:56.000 I me, my, How do they see me? How am 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:59.640 I coming across? What am I doing right now? If 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:01.520 you can to go, okay, how can I be here 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:03.600 for them? How can I be of value? How can 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:05.800 I be of service? How can I make this person 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:10.320 feel seen? That's called self forgetting, And research shows that 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:13.600 this process of self forgetting by becoming more service oriented, 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:16.280 helps to quiet in that incessant voice of the ego. 0:13:17.280 --> 0:13:20.520 And it's remarkable how when you tap into that suddenly 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:22.800 you realize, Okay, I don't have to be so in 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.520 my head. I want to share just a couple of 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:29.280 really simple techniques for anyone who really does struggle with acceptance. 0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:32.280 The first one is, if you struggle with acceptance, you 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:35.760 are going to attach your sense of identity to your 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:39.680 job and to your achievements and to your performance. So 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.079 if things are going well professionally, if you're achieving things, 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:45.800 if you're doing amazing things, you feel fantastic. And then 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:48.880 something happens and it all crumbles and you fail. You 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:52.760 take it personally, you internalize that failure. So the first 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:55.120 and foremost thing you need to do is acknowledge you 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:58.240 are not your job. There is so much to you 0:13:58.360 --> 0:14:01.200 that exists outside of that in environment, which I know 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.079 is really hard to do if you work, especially in 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:07.480 a corporate organization where your entire status is determined by 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:11.160 your job title and how well you're delivering and your 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:14.720 promotion track record. Right, So we tend to internalize these things, 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:17.800 but you need to consciously remind yourself through that prefrontal activation, 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.120 I am not my job. I am so much more 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.880 than this. And there's a really interesting little technique we 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:26.040 like to share. Not even a technique, it's actually a suggestion. So, Jay, 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:28.920 there was a study that was conducted with Nobel Prize 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:32.040 winning scientists and they looked at five hundred of them, 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:35.000 and they found that they were three times more likely 0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:40.320 than regular scientists to have a creative hobby. Not only that, 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:43.320 they were twenty two times more likely than regular scientists 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:48.280 to have a hobby in the performing arts, singing, music, drama. 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:53.160 They many of them attribute that hobby to helping them 0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:57.480 bounce back whens didn't go to plan, and also to 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:00.120 allowing them to make connections that other people would have 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:02.640 been able to. And so what can we take from that? 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:07.040 It's great, right, cool study. What can we take from that? Well, 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:10.800 having something outside of work that we can pour ourselves into, 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.600 especially something creative, because we know about the impact that 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:16.480 has in the brain that allows us to remind ourselves. Hey, 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:18.480 even if I didn't do well today at work, even 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:20.200 if I didn't achieve this thing that I wanted to, 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:22.840 I get to go and take on that character in 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:24.840 that play. I get to go and pick up my guitar. 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:29.640 I get to go and paint that beautiful painting. And fascinatingly, hobbies, 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:33.400 especially creative hobbies, have been found to increase your self esteem, 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:36.600 which increases your sense of self acceptance. So it's a 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:38.760 very odd one, but I would encourage you if you 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.680 struggle here, go and pick up a hobby and embrace 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:43.520 the messiness of being a beginner. 0:15:43.720 --> 0:15:48.480 I love how practical, tactical and simple this is. And 0:15:48.800 --> 0:15:50.920 simple in a good way in that I think anyone 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:54.080 who's listening right now, they've got their plan of action 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:57.840 for acceptance. You've got the questions to ask yourself or 0:15:57.880 --> 0:15:59.760 to make sure you know. I don't need to believe 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:02.360 that I don't need to agree with those beliefs. I 0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:04.680 don't need to agree with those thoughts. You've got the 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:06.800 idea of what's your hobby, and so I love that 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:08.880 you said that. I started thinking about my own and 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:12.160 I've got a vefew. I've got pickleball, a play it 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.200 on a football or soccer when I'm back in London, 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:18.480 I enjoy. I mean, they're not creative in artistic sense, 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:21.640 but they're they're physical because my work's so creative. So 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:25.520 in one sense, just these physical competitive things that allow 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:29.600 me to be with friends connection. I love game nights, brilliant, 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:32.240 A big fan of game nights, and so it seems 0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:35.320 like anything that's collaborative and competitive makes me feel good 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:37.960 because my work's so creative already. So I think I 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:42.240 don't crave creativity, but I do crave that desire to 0:16:42.280 --> 0:16:46.920 play and be free. Something you said that resonated with 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:50.960 me was this idea of if you performed for your parents, 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:54.080 if you had to perform to get your parents' attention, 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:59.880 you ended up thinking that performance equals success equals winning 0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:04.960 equals love equals worth. A lot of people are really 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:09.800 successful today have just lived that pattern now. So in 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.720 one sense. It's also a pattern that makes people quite 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.040 successful in the public eye. So the biggest performers in 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:18.640 the world, some of them would say themselves that they 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:21.800 were the performer in their home or their family, and 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:24.200 they didn't realize it until they became the number one 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:26.960 person in the world at something that that wasn't who 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:29.440 they wanted to be. It's who they became because of it. 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:33.439 So it can make you successful, but maybe not happy. 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:34.879 What do you think about that? 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:36.600 Oh, yes, I love that you've mentioned this. So there's 0:17:36.600 --> 0:17:38.960 two elements we need to touch on here. So this 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.200 lack of acceptance that develops early on, where we feel 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:45.560 like we must perform to be of value or to 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:49.520 earn the attention of others. That leads us to perfectionistic 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:52.280 tendencies as adults, where we set these very very very 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:55.960 high standards for ourselves, beat ourselves up when we inevitably 0:17:56.000 --> 0:17:58.679 don't reach them, and then just set the next high standard. 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:00.800 And so for a lot of people, well, this does 0:18:00.920 --> 0:18:04.200 propel them forward, this does propel them to amazing heights. 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:05.959 But as you said, they might reach that number one 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:08.959 pinnacle and then they stop and think, this is not 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:10.600 what I wanted. This is not the life that I 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:12.640 wanted to lead. And so what we need to think 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:15.040 about with success is two elements. Okay, there is the 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:18.800 material success, the status, the external success, but then there 0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:22.119 is that internal feeling that really should be coming with it, 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:25.600 the sense of satisfaction, the sense of fulfillment. And so 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:27.879 anyone who is driven by a lack of acceptance, what 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:30.960 we see in a lot of really high performers is 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:33.920 that if they're driven by this, yes they have amazing 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:39.400 work ethic, Yes they're incredibly diligent, but they never feel satisfied. 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:42.960 And that level of emptiness that they feel also drives 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:46.280 them to try and seek that satisfaction from the next hit, 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.600 the next achievements called the arrival fallacy. When I get there, 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:51.840 I will feel like I've made it. And then they 0:18:51.840 --> 0:18:54.439 get there and they think, why doesn't this feel any different? 0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:56.720 And then they set the next goal and they're perpetually 0:18:56.840 --> 0:19:01.040 seeking this state of enoughness, and then they sacrifice things 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:03.360 on the way to get there because they're so fixated 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:06.320 on believing when I get there everything will fall into place. 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:10.040 That they've sacrificed relationships, they've sacrificed time with their children, 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:16.840 they've sacrificed family, they've sacrificed well being generally, and so yes, 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:19.560 it may be a driver the fundamental question that we 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:21.879 get asked about perfectionism because we have a lot of 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:24.679 people who say, well, I set high standards and I 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:26.400 think it's a good thing. Isn't that a good thing? 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:30.320 The fundamental difference is what happens when you don't achieve 0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:34.199 the standards. That determines whether it's perfectionism or it's just 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:37.800 striving for excellence. If you beat yourself up and tell yourself, 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:42.120 I'm a failure, I'm not enough, I'm terrible. You judge yourself. 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:46.000 That is a sign of perfectionism. That is called maladaptive. 0:19:46.480 --> 0:19:48.560 That is a reflection of you not feeling like you're enough, 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.680 so you punish yourself. Whereas if you fall short, yeah, 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:55.159 you can feel disappointed for a while. That's fine, that's natural, 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:58.159 that's human. But then if you ask yourself, Okay, how 0:19:58.160 --> 0:20:00.680 do I get better? How do I learn and how 0:20:00.680 --> 0:20:03.320 do I apply what I've learned to implement it the 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:05.960 next time I do it to get further ahead. That's 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:08.080 called striving for excellence, And it all comes down to 0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:11.320 your approach. I also spoke to someone very recently, a 0:20:11.400 --> 0:20:15.120 highly highly successful business woman, very prolific on social media 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:19.359 as well, and she said to me, she's driven by 0:20:19.520 --> 0:20:22.520 that sense of She described it as it's a sense 0:20:22.560 --> 0:20:25.280 of not enoughness, but not to do with me. It's 0:20:25.320 --> 0:20:27.639 that I have so much impact I want to create 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:29.880 that I don't feel like what I'm doing is enough. 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:33.080 And so for her, she's driven by purpose and service. 0:20:33.720 --> 0:20:35.439 And so I said, okay, so what happens if you 0:20:35.480 --> 0:20:36.760 get to the end of the day and you don't 0:20:36.760 --> 0:20:39.560 feel like it was enough? From that perspective, and she said, 0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:41.280 I just get more fired up for the next day. 0:20:41.520 --> 0:20:43.359 And I said, does it make you reflect on you? 0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:45.480 Do you become judgmental on you? And she said no. 0:20:45.760 --> 0:20:48.160 I said, there you go. So you can be driven 0:20:48.280 --> 0:20:53.159 by this incredible desire to serve others and to be 0:20:53.320 --> 0:20:56.320 of value. And that's a fantastic way to still get 0:20:56.359 --> 0:20:59.119 that desire to perform and to succeed. But for the 0:20:59.200 --> 0:20:59.800 right reasons. 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.240 I love that nuance because I think for so many 0:21:02.280 --> 0:21:05.679 people it's very much like ambition bad, satisfaction good. And 0:21:05.720 --> 0:21:08.880 that's such a simplistic way of looking at it. Because 0:21:08.880 --> 0:21:12.200 you're so right, and I love that question of how 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:14.960 does it feel when you don't hit that goal. Do 0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:17.640 you actually get more energy and more excited and more 0:21:17.680 --> 0:21:20.600 focused and more diligent, or do you become more harsh 0:21:20.680 --> 0:21:23.800 and more critical and more comparative. And as you were 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:26.320 saying that, you repeated this sentence a couple of times 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:28.879 when you were talking, you said, you are not your job. 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:32.560 And I was thinking, your work is not your worth, 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:36.119 and then I was thinking about just how hard wired 0:21:36.160 --> 0:21:39.600 it is. So I was looking into this, and it 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:42.440 was about the time of the Industrial Revolution that work 0:21:42.560 --> 0:21:45.679 became so much more attached to worth. Everyone knew what 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:48.600 role they played on the conveyor belt, there was the 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:52.360 division of labor. You now had everyone having titles and roles, 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:57.080 and the question became what do you do? And everything 0:21:57.119 --> 0:21:58.879 became about title. Now, if you take it back a 0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:03.840 bit further, you've actually got everyone's last names being represented 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:07.840 of their job. So you have Baker, Blacksmith, whatever else 0:22:07.840 --> 0:22:10.119 it may be, and that became your name, and that 0:22:10.200 --> 0:22:14.120 was just your shop front. And so this hard wiring 0:22:14.160 --> 0:22:16.479 that we all have of our work being our worth 0:22:17.280 --> 0:22:21.359 has been hardwired for a few decades now and probably longer, 0:22:22.240 --> 0:22:25.439 but it's so hard to lose it because that's what 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:27.600 you're measured on since you were a kid, the grades 0:22:27.640 --> 0:22:31.320 against your friends, then the college you went to and 0:22:31.359 --> 0:22:34.560 its reputation, the degree you received, and then the first 0:22:34.680 --> 0:22:37.760 job you got. And it's almost like, as you get 0:22:37.760 --> 0:22:42.360 out of school, your job becomes the only measurable thing, 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:45.479 like the amount you earn in your job title, because 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:48.600 people aren't comparing like, oh, I've got seven kids, you've 0:22:48.600 --> 0:22:51.720 got three, Like that isn't really a point of contention, 0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:54.800 thank goodness, Yeah, yeah, thank goodness for sure, but that 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:57.640 isn't really the metric, or you're not like, oh I've 0:22:57.680 --> 0:23:01.000 got you might compare like, oh I've been in religion 0:23:01.080 --> 0:23:02.640 for ten years, You've only been in one for two, 0:23:03.280 --> 0:23:05.520 But the job feels like oh this so much money 0:23:05.520 --> 0:23:07.879 I make in this in my status. How do you 0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:13.280 operate in a world which is created for that competition 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:17.080 and that comparison and not feel that short and for 0:23:17.160 --> 0:23:19.520 it of like, oh I feel happy when someone else 0:23:19.600 --> 0:23:22.679 is not making How do you manage both of those emotions? 0:23:23.000 --> 0:23:25.040 So we do live in a world that is absolutely 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:29.920 amplifying our self doubts and is almost designed to get 0:23:30.000 --> 0:23:32.800 us to compare ourselves to others. As you said, in university, 0:23:32.840 --> 0:23:36.480 you're often ranked against your classmates, and we don't really 0:23:36.520 --> 0:23:40.200 have objective markers other than salary and how many cars 0:23:40.240 --> 0:23:43.000 you have, and where you live and job title. And 0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:44.480 the fact is, in the world that we live in 0:23:44.480 --> 0:23:48.680 as well, your job does attract a certain perceived status, 0:23:49.040 --> 0:23:52.320 you know, lawyers, doctors. Suddenly people go, oh, they pay attention. 0:23:53.160 --> 0:23:55.960 But this is just fueling this comparison that we have 0:23:56.359 --> 0:23:58.439 and this sense of not enoughness. So how do we 0:23:58.960 --> 0:24:01.399 prevent ourselves. We need to knowledge we live in this world. 0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:04.360 We're consumed by this world. It's very easy to internalize 0:24:04.359 --> 0:24:07.880 these things. And that is why these four pillars are 0:24:07.880 --> 0:24:10.760 so fundamentally important. Because we're just talking about the first one, 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:13.000 but as I go through the rest, you'll see how 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:16.480 you can also use the other three to counterbalance. So 0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:19.399 a lot of people struggle with acceptance and they think, Okay, 0:24:19.760 --> 0:24:22.560 I need to get my acceptance really strong before I'll 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:24.439 be able to move forward and succeed and be happy. 0:24:25.040 --> 0:24:29.160 Not necessarily it's a lifelong journey. You can actually lean 0:24:29.280 --> 0:24:31.680 on other attributes, so we call them the four a's, 0:24:31.680 --> 0:24:35.160 the four attributes of self trust, which reflect our self image. 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:38.359 You can lean on your other attributes to help you 0:24:38.720 --> 0:24:40.879 take action anyway, focus on what you need to focus 0:24:40.920 --> 0:24:44.240 on and prevent yourself getting stuck in that comparison cycle. 0:24:44.680 --> 0:24:46.639 Something that we do share though with people is if 0:24:46.680 --> 0:24:49.840 you feel like you're constantly comparing to other people and 0:24:49.880 --> 0:24:52.280 you're feeling like you're worse off, You're feeling like you're 0:24:52.320 --> 0:24:55.160 not as good as they are. Something that's really valuable 0:24:55.240 --> 0:24:59.080 is to move from comparison to what we call emulation. 0:25:00.160 --> 0:25:03.200 Comparison is pitting two things against each other and looking 0:25:03.200 --> 0:25:07.920 for differences. Emulation is cool. Look at what that person 0:25:08.040 --> 0:25:10.280 is doing, how did they do it? And how can 0:25:10.320 --> 0:25:12.679 I emulate that? So I can do it too. So 0:25:12.760 --> 0:25:15.560 you take learnings from their journey, apply it to your own, 0:25:15.600 --> 0:25:18.600 and suddenly, rather than feeling, oh gosh, I'm so far behind, 0:25:18.960 --> 0:25:21.480 you suddenly realize, hey, if they can do it, I 0:25:21.520 --> 0:25:24.280 can do it. What's that first step I'm going to take? Yes, 0:25:24.440 --> 0:25:26.480 So that's one step you can take. It's to really 0:25:26.480 --> 0:25:28.720 focus on, Okay, how do I stay in my lane? 0:25:29.040 --> 0:25:30.359 Yes? Yes, I love that. 0:25:30.480 --> 0:25:30.680 Yeah. 0:25:30.720 --> 0:25:33.919 I've often said you can turn your envy into study 0:25:33.920 --> 0:25:34.800 and it's beautiful. 0:25:34.800 --> 0:25:36.000 That beautiful like. 0:25:35.920 --> 0:25:38.880 How can you take this feeling of like, oh, why 0:25:38.880 --> 0:25:41.840 did they have it? And why am I so behind? 0:25:41.920 --> 0:25:44.000 And they're show ahead and go okay, well what did 0:25:44.000 --> 0:25:46.520 they get right? And I think often when you start 0:25:46.560 --> 0:25:48.679 doing that, you realize, oh, wait a minute, they actually 0:25:48.680 --> 0:25:52.400 got a lot wrong too, And when you actually start 0:25:52.440 --> 0:25:55.000 looking and paying attention to someone, you go, oh, they 0:25:55.040 --> 0:25:57.680 actually had three businesses that failed before that. Oh, I 0:25:57.840 --> 0:26:00.680 just know about the one that took off. Oh, they 0:26:01.119 --> 0:26:03.040 went through a divorce through that. They haven't had a 0:26:03.040 --> 0:26:05.560 perfect life. They've had a lot of difficulty. Oh I 0:26:05.560 --> 0:26:08.919 didn't realize that. You know, they lost a child. Like 0:26:09.200 --> 0:26:13.360 when you actually study someone, you actually get this textured, colored, 0:26:13.880 --> 0:26:17.080 multifaceted view of someone versus the oh they're on the 0:26:17.080 --> 0:26:19.680 front cover of Forbes, or they're on the front cover 0:26:19.720 --> 0:26:21.639 of Time magazine or whatever else it may be, and 0:26:21.680 --> 0:26:24.480 then you don't get that texture. So I love that 0:26:24.560 --> 0:26:28.520 idea of turning it into emulation. And I assume with 0:26:28.560 --> 0:26:31.000 what you're saying, that's also just a habit that every 0:26:31.000 --> 0:26:33.000 time you see something and you feel envious and you 0:26:33.040 --> 0:26:35.639 feel that feeling of being left behind, you just go okay, well, no, 0:26:35.760 --> 0:26:37.920 let me learn from it. Let me study that right. 0:26:38.040 --> 0:26:40.119 Absolutely, all of these things that we're talking about are 0:26:40.119 --> 0:26:43.159 actually just habits. And in fact, I would argue that 0:26:43.200 --> 0:26:46.320 a belief is simply an habitual way of thinking. Yes, 0:26:46.600 --> 0:26:49.240 so when we understand that their habits, it also empowers 0:26:49.280 --> 0:26:51.720 us to realize, hey, we can create better habits over 0:26:51.760 --> 0:26:54.360 the old ones. And what happens in those moments when 0:26:54.400 --> 0:26:57.560 you start to notice that self doubt, that inner criticism 0:26:57.600 --> 0:27:00.800 that I don't feel good enough to happening, is you're 0:27:00.800 --> 0:27:02.880 often tending to and this links to the third pillar, 0:27:02.880 --> 0:27:05.000 which we'll get to, you tend to start focusing on 0:27:05.040 --> 0:27:07.760 things outside of your control. This is why all of 0:27:07.800 --> 0:27:10.439 these four they really do. They rise and fall with 0:27:10.480 --> 0:27:13.160 each other. You start focusing on things outside of your control. 0:27:13.359 --> 0:27:16.000 When you do that, what we notice when we look 0:27:16.040 --> 0:27:18.800 at brain scans is that there's less activity in your 0:27:18.880 --> 0:27:22.719 ventromedial prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for rationality and solution 0:27:22.840 --> 0:27:26.359 finding and logical thinking, which means that your thinking is 0:27:26.440 --> 0:27:29.399 largely driven by the emotion centers, which is why it 0:27:29.560 --> 0:27:34.080 feels so self consuming. When we're in that state, all 0:27:34.080 --> 0:27:36.200 the emotions come with it and all the negative thoughts 0:27:36.200 --> 0:27:38.360 come with it. I'm so far behind. I'm never going 0:27:38.359 --> 0:27:40.040 to be as good as them. I'm a screw up. 0:27:40.240 --> 0:27:43.359 Whatever it is. So consciously catching yourself out is an 0:27:43.359 --> 0:27:46.359 incredibly powerful first step. And then the next step is 0:27:46.400 --> 0:27:50.199 to direct your attention. Direct your attention to what you 0:27:50.240 --> 0:27:53.159 can focus on, moving to that idea of study or 0:27:53.160 --> 0:27:57.439 emulation that in itself is re engaging those frontal regions 0:27:57.440 --> 0:28:00.280 of the brain, which is going to help quiet in 0:28:00.320 --> 0:28:03.160 the emotion centers and allow you to take the best 0:28:03.200 --> 0:28:03.840 next step for you. 0:28:04.640 --> 0:28:06.640 What's that? I love it. Before we go into the 0:28:06.680 --> 0:28:08.919 other three, which I really want to do, I want 0:28:08.960 --> 0:28:13.119 to ask you. I'm taking this tangent because i can 0:28:13.480 --> 0:28:15.680 feel people thinking about it, and I'm like, okay, I 0:28:15.720 --> 0:28:18.720 want to ask it, like, fake it till you make it? 0:28:18.760 --> 0:28:20.040 Is it actually good advice? 0:28:20.440 --> 0:28:21.879 Fake it till you make it is something that we 0:28:21.960 --> 0:28:25.959 hear constantly. I don't necessarily like the idea of faking 0:28:26.040 --> 0:28:28.760 anything because I think that links to in authenticity and 0:28:28.800 --> 0:28:30.919 it might give people permission to do things that are 0:28:30.920 --> 0:28:34.520 completely insincere. I like to use what Amy Cuddy describes 0:28:34.600 --> 0:28:38.720 as be it until you become it, which is, you know, 0:28:38.760 --> 0:28:41.120 it's a matter of semantics, but I think it resonates 0:28:41.160 --> 0:28:43.800 so much more with people who are all about sincerity 0:28:43.840 --> 0:28:46.800 and authenticity and integrity. You do not have to fake 0:28:47.080 --> 0:28:50.960 being someone else. You need to be that person, have 0:28:51.040 --> 0:28:53.600 the energy that you want to be exuding, see yourself 0:28:53.640 --> 0:28:56.000 achieving what you want to see, who you want to 0:28:56.000 --> 0:28:58.479 be right, and then show up every day as if 0:28:58.480 --> 0:29:01.719 you've already achieved. It is this remarkable thing that happens 0:29:01.720 --> 0:29:03.720 which has not been able to be measured just yet. 0:29:04.040 --> 0:29:07.520 When someone puts out to the universe, I want to 0:29:07.560 --> 0:29:10.440 achieve this, I believe I'm this, and then they start 0:29:10.480 --> 0:29:13.120 acting in a way that is aligned with that. Things 0:29:13.160 --> 0:29:17.120 are attracted to them, opportunities come their way importantly too, 0:29:17.120 --> 0:29:19.560 though they also take the steps to put them on 0:29:19.600 --> 0:29:22.360 that path. Just on this point, I want to mention 0:29:22.400 --> 0:29:25.640 something really fascinating that comes out of the research, Something 0:29:25.640 --> 0:29:27.960 that we see a lot of people talk about online especially, 0:29:28.720 --> 0:29:32.000 is manifestation. Manifest who you want to be, be it 0:29:32.040 --> 0:29:34.440 till you become it, have the vision bought on your wall, 0:29:34.720 --> 0:29:37.520 and I definitely think there is some power in that. Again, 0:29:37.560 --> 0:29:39.280 it has not been able to be measured as far 0:29:39.280 --> 0:29:42.040 as I'm aware, but there is another element where if 0:29:42.080 --> 0:29:46.240 you're visualizing yourself becoming something and believing you can achieve 0:29:46.280 --> 0:29:50.200 that what you're doing is changing yourself image. You're updating 0:29:50.240 --> 0:29:52.600 that blueprint. You know, we spoke about it earlier. The 0:29:52.600 --> 0:29:55.840 idea of these scars. You're allowing yourself in your mind 0:29:55.840 --> 0:29:57.960 to create this new concept of who you are. Because 0:29:57.960 --> 0:30:00.880 if you cannot see yourself as being there, as deserving that, 0:30:01.520 --> 0:30:05.080 you will inevitably sabotage yourself as you get there. Yes, 0:30:05.200 --> 0:30:07.680 you will notice everything getting in your way, and that'll 0:30:07.720 --> 0:30:10.280 be proof that, see, I can't do this. So that's 0:30:10.320 --> 0:30:13.640 the idea of upgrading yourself image. So that's really really powerful. 0:30:13.960 --> 0:30:16.240 But then a lot of people get stuck where they 0:30:16.360 --> 0:30:17.760 just have this view of where they want to go, 0:30:17.800 --> 0:30:21.080 they're so clear on it, they're excited about it, and 0:30:21.120 --> 0:30:24.440 then suddenly they just they flounder. And it's because of 0:30:24.440 --> 0:30:26.920 two things happening. There was a study that was published 0:30:26.960 --> 0:30:29.120 that found that when we have these beautiful positive they 0:30:29.160 --> 0:30:32.520 call them positive fantasies, these visualizations where we want to 0:30:32.560 --> 0:30:35.680 be and we feel them and we embody them, it 0:30:35.720 --> 0:30:40.120 can actually sap your energy. Why because when we then 0:30:40.200 --> 0:30:43.640 face a roadblock or a setback, that we are completely 0:30:43.760 --> 0:30:47.000 unprepared for it, challenges that view that hey, I can 0:30:47.040 --> 0:30:49.440 get there, and suddenly we start to think, oh no, 0:30:49.840 --> 0:30:52.479 we start to anchor back on our current self image 0:30:52.520 --> 0:30:54.840 and think too hard, I'm never going to get there, 0:30:54.880 --> 0:30:57.960 I don't deserve it, I'm not capable enough, and then 0:30:57.960 --> 0:31:01.640 we retreat. So there's an important step and second step. Right, 0:31:01.680 --> 0:31:04.600 So you need to visualize yourself getting there. But then 0:31:04.720 --> 0:31:06.440 you also and this is contrary to what a lot 0:31:06.480 --> 0:31:10.480 of people suggest, what the research suggests, what we encourage 0:31:10.480 --> 0:31:13.240 all of our students to do is be very clear 0:31:13.600 --> 0:31:16.200 on what are all the things that are going to 0:31:16.280 --> 0:31:19.200 get in the way of you getting there? Be really 0:31:19.240 --> 0:31:21.480 clear on that. A lot of people say, no, don't 0:31:21.840 --> 0:31:25.400 anticipate that, because you'll will it into existence. No, we say, 0:31:25.440 --> 0:31:27.520 be very pragmatic. What are the things that could get 0:31:27.560 --> 0:31:29.280 in the way. One of them is, well, my own 0:31:29.880 --> 0:31:33.160 belief about myself. The other one is the people I'm around. 0:31:33.360 --> 0:31:35.880 Maybe they will prevent me from getting there. It could 0:31:35.920 --> 0:31:38.560 be boredom, it could be this obstacle, that obstacle, that 0:31:38.680 --> 0:31:41.880 set back, that failure. Write them down. But then there 0:31:41.920 --> 0:31:44.200 is an important second step. If you only write them down, 0:31:44.640 --> 0:31:47.880 you're going to enter an entire world of catastrophizing and worrying. 0:31:48.120 --> 0:31:51.240 So the next step then is to ask yourself, what 0:31:51.360 --> 0:31:54.280 will I do if and when this happens. You create 0:31:54.360 --> 0:31:58.920 your contingency plan, your recovery plan, so that if it happens, 0:31:59.560 --> 0:32:03.960 you have your steps, You've prepared, You've essentially been there before, 0:32:04.480 --> 0:32:07.080 so you don't need to worry about spiraling into overthinking 0:32:07.080 --> 0:32:09.800 and worry and catastrophizing. You say, nope, I've been here, 0:32:09.840 --> 0:32:13.280 I've got my plan. It's called an implementation intension. And 0:32:13.360 --> 0:32:15.959 if you come up with these if then you are 0:32:16.000 --> 0:32:18.560 going to be more likely to achieve that goal, more 0:32:18.720 --> 0:32:21.479 likely to persist when the roadblock, when the failure comes, 0:32:21.960 --> 0:32:23.800 and more likely to move towards where you want to go. 0:32:33.480 --> 0:32:36.479 Want to make a real difference this giving season this 0:32:36.560 --> 0:32:41.280 December on Purpose is part of Pods Fight Poverty podcast, 0:32:41.320 --> 0:32:44.920 teaming up to lift three villages in Rwanda out of 0:32:44.960 --> 0:32:48.959 extreme poverty. We're doing it through give Directly, which sends 0:32:49.000 --> 0:32:52.360 cash straight to families so they can choose what they 0:32:52.400 --> 0:32:57.560 need most. Donate at GiveDirectly dot org, forward slash on Purpose. 0:32:58.080 --> 0:33:01.880 First time gifts are matched your impact. Our goal is 0:33:02.000 --> 0:33:06.240 one million dollars by year's end, enough to lift seven 0:33:06.360 --> 0:33:10.959 hundred families out of poverty. Join us at GiveDirectly dot 0:33:11.040 --> 0:33:24.280 org forward slash on purpose. It's so fascinating, isn't it 0:33:24.280 --> 0:33:30.040 that the human mind either imagines everything going wrong, yeah, 0:33:30.200 --> 0:33:33.320 or imagines everything going right. But then you're presenting this 0:33:33.520 --> 0:33:37.080 like medical ground of be pragmatic, be aware. If this, 0:33:37.240 --> 0:33:40.160 then that and that's the reality of life, Like that's 0:33:40.200 --> 0:33:41.720 where you're going to live. Like if you just sit 0:33:41.800 --> 0:33:45.520 there in dreamland and think of everything being perfect, we 0:33:45.640 --> 0:33:47.920 know that's never going to happen. And also we have 0:33:47.960 --> 0:33:52.040 this tendency to just think in nightmares where well, everything's 0:33:52.080 --> 0:33:54.440 going wrong, nothing's ever going to work out, I'm not 0:33:54.520 --> 0:33:57.840 worth anything. And these we almost gravitate to these extremes 0:33:57.840 --> 0:34:01.240 because they feel safer in a way weird way. Why 0:34:01.240 --> 0:34:03.360 do we do that? Why do we gravitate to these extremes. 0:34:03.480 --> 0:34:07.520 The brain craves certainty. The brain fundamentally crave certainty. And 0:34:07.560 --> 0:34:10.279 the reason why when we look at fundamentally why the 0:34:10.280 --> 0:34:13.200 brain does what it does, it's primary function. A lot 0:34:13.239 --> 0:34:15.359 of people say its primary function is to protect us. 0:34:16.239 --> 0:34:18.600 There's a little bit more to it. The primary function 0:34:18.640 --> 0:34:21.120 of the brain really is to make sure that the 0:34:21.160 --> 0:34:23.120 rest of the body is doing what it needs to 0:34:23.160 --> 0:34:27.480 do while using the least amount of metabolic energy. Right, 0:34:27.520 --> 0:34:30.080 so it needs us to function while using as little 0:34:30.120 --> 0:34:33.400 energy as possible. And so part of that is obviously 0:34:33.440 --> 0:34:35.800 protecting you because then if you're in a situation where 0:34:36.239 --> 0:34:38.719 you're having to deal with something terrible happening, the brain 0:34:38.719 --> 0:34:40.680 has to put in a lot more effort. So it 0:34:40.719 --> 0:34:44.399 will often magnify everything that could go wrong, because if 0:34:44.400 --> 0:34:46.719 it does that, it gives you a sense of certainty, no, 0:34:46.880 --> 0:34:48.399 this is going to happen. You're going to fail, you're 0:34:48.440 --> 0:34:50.000 going to fall short, they're going to laugh at you, 0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:52.080 they're going to reject you, and at least you know. 0:34:52.280 --> 0:34:55.200 At least you know so that you don't do the thing, 0:34:56.200 --> 0:34:57.880 because if you do the thing and that happens, your 0:34:57.920 --> 0:34:59.319 brain's going to have to put in a lot more 0:34:59.320 --> 0:35:01.800 work to get through that. So if it can prevent 0:35:01.880 --> 0:35:04.040 you from taking that step. And we actually refer to 0:35:04.040 --> 0:35:07.000 this as what's called the misguided protector in our mind, 0:35:07.040 --> 0:35:10.760 it's that voice, it's an inner deceiver, and it's trying 0:35:10.760 --> 0:35:14.160 to protect us, but it's misguided. But fundamentally, it will 0:35:14.239 --> 0:35:16.640 highlight everything that could go wrong, so that we don't 0:35:16.640 --> 0:35:20.799 take action because then it succeeds, then we're safe, but 0:35:20.880 --> 0:35:23.440 we're stuck. And then the other extreme, of course, is 0:35:23.480 --> 0:35:26.480 only visualizing where we want to be because again it's certainty. No, 0:35:26.640 --> 0:35:29.319 I'm guaranteed for that to happen. And then we know 0:35:29.360 --> 0:35:32.680 what happens when you hit a roadblock. Suddenly everything crumbles 0:35:32.760 --> 0:35:34.400 and then you go into the other side. Oh no, 0:35:34.440 --> 0:35:36.839 all these things are going to go wrong. So when 0:35:36.880 --> 0:35:38.799 we recognize that this is just our brain doing what 0:35:38.840 --> 0:35:40.680 it needs to do, there's something else which is really 0:35:40.680 --> 0:35:45.320 interesting here. There is a connection between intelligence and anxiety. 0:35:45.600 --> 0:35:49.000 People who tend to be higher on intelligent IQ ratings 0:35:49.040 --> 0:35:52.399 of IQ, they tend to be more aware of complexity, 0:35:53.120 --> 0:35:55.120 more aware of all the risks that could go wrong, 0:35:55.920 --> 0:36:00.279 which then leads them to overthink about those risks and 0:36:00.320 --> 0:36:03.640 then overthink about what could happen if those risks actually occurred, 0:36:03.840 --> 0:36:08.640 which increases anxiety, which reduces confidence and then reinforces that 0:36:08.719 --> 0:36:11.920 initial state of awareness of the complexity. And so if 0:36:12.000 --> 0:36:14.480 you're listening to this and you feel like you're constantly 0:36:14.520 --> 0:36:17.120 overthinking and you're constantly aware of risks, it could be 0:36:17.200 --> 0:36:19.560 that you have a slightly higher than average IQ. But 0:36:19.640 --> 0:36:21.840 it's also important to know that we can break that cycle. 0:36:22.520 --> 0:36:26.160 We call it the spiral interrupt technique. When this is happening, 0:36:26.360 --> 0:36:28.840 the part of the brain that's activated is the emotion center, 0:36:28.880 --> 0:36:32.080 the threat detection center. It's trying to identify everything that 0:36:32.120 --> 0:36:34.920 could go wrong to keep you safe. So what you 0:36:34.960 --> 0:36:39.000 can do is control your attention. Bring your attention back 0:36:39.040 --> 0:36:42.640 to what can I control right now by literally saying 0:36:42.640 --> 0:36:45.480 to yourself, this is my brain doing what it does. 0:36:46.000 --> 0:36:50.160 I am safe to act anyway. So again, simply by 0:36:50.200 --> 0:36:52.759 doing that, by consciously controlling your thoughts, you are re 0:36:52.840 --> 0:36:56.920 engaging those prefrontal regions, which reduces activity in the amygdala, 0:36:57.040 --> 0:36:59.800 in the fear centers, and allows you to have that 0:37:00.200 --> 0:37:02.440 of rationality. So then decide what's next. 0:37:02.880 --> 0:37:04.800 Yeah, I can think of a really good personal example 0:37:04.840 --> 0:37:07.799 of that. I remember. So, I was very fortunate to 0:37:07.800 --> 0:37:10.240 go to public speaking school from age eleven to eighteen 0:37:10.320 --> 0:37:14.960 and had training and found it comfortable being on stage 0:37:14.960 --> 0:37:16.720 and everything else. But then as soon as my scales 0:37:16.760 --> 0:37:19.920 started to change and I started to work in different 0:37:19.960 --> 0:37:23.920 audiences and different arenas, in different spaces, I could notice 0:37:23.960 --> 0:37:26.440 that my heart rate would go up. I could notice 0:37:26.480 --> 0:37:29.120 that my hands would start to shake. I could notice 0:37:29.160 --> 0:37:32.759 that I felt sweaty palms. I could notice that I 0:37:32.840 --> 0:37:36.400 felt nervous and anxious. And I used to start to think, well, 0:37:36.400 --> 0:37:37.840 I have the skills, and I'd like, what am I 0:37:37.880 --> 0:37:39.839 doing wrong here? Like you know, and I'd overthink that, 0:37:40.440 --> 0:37:42.200 and then I'd overthinking, go, oh my god, everyone's going 0:37:42.200 --> 0:37:44.440 to see my handshaking, and then am I going to 0:37:44.480 --> 0:37:46.160 hold the card? Or like should I put it down? 0:37:46.239 --> 0:37:48.799 Or like what if my slides? And then you're overthinking it, 0:37:49.120 --> 0:37:51.200 and it was it's what you just said. And I 0:37:51.239 --> 0:37:52.880 had a different set of words for it that I 0:37:52.880 --> 0:37:55.840 would say internally, and it was just, no, this is 0:37:55.880 --> 0:37:58.120 what happens when I care. Yeah, And what I started 0:37:58.120 --> 0:38:01.759 to realize was, oh, when I care, my body's going 0:38:01.800 --> 0:38:04.040 to do this. And I can go and give an 0:38:04.040 --> 0:38:07.719 amazing talk anyway, but I care. That's all it's showing me. 0:38:08.239 --> 0:38:11.040 And I don't need to stop this or I don't 0:38:11.080 --> 0:38:13.440 need to get over this, or I don't need this 0:38:13.520 --> 0:38:16.200 to disappear in order for me to go out there 0:38:16.200 --> 0:38:19.160 and do what I do. And you're so right that 0:38:19.320 --> 0:38:22.359 simple moment of and it goes back to acceptance that 0:38:22.360 --> 0:38:24.520 this is just biologically what happens when I care. Yeah, 0:38:24.600 --> 0:38:26.520 get a bit nervous and yea, my heart beats faster 0:38:26.640 --> 0:38:29.200 and all the things that and it's like, Okay, if 0:38:29.239 --> 0:38:31.560 I can reframe that, so much can happen. 0:38:32.160 --> 0:38:33.520 I love that you mentioned that one as well, this 0:38:33.560 --> 0:38:36.200 idea of caring, because when we acknowledge that our brain 0:38:36.280 --> 0:38:39.480 is just doing what it's wired to do, and then 0:38:38.840 --> 0:38:43.600 we can essentially interpret what we're feeling in a way 0:38:43.640 --> 0:38:45.799 that's going to serve us. And so we can either 0:38:45.840 --> 0:38:48.000 interpret that heart rate, as you said, as you get 0:38:48.000 --> 0:38:50.120 into the overthinking of the overthinking and then you're stressed 0:38:50.120 --> 0:38:52.719 about the stress. It's called a meta emotion where it's 0:38:52.719 --> 0:38:54.840 like an emotion about an emotion and it just spirals 0:38:54.840 --> 0:38:57.839 out of control. Or you can say, no, no, this 0:38:57.920 --> 0:39:01.160 is my brain is just doing its job. I'm prepared, 0:39:01.400 --> 0:39:04.200 I'm ready, I'm going to be of service here. I care. 0:39:04.719 --> 0:39:07.240 I care about delivering a good outcome. And it's powerful 0:39:07.280 --> 0:39:08.279 when you recognize that. 0:39:08.640 --> 0:39:10.359 Yeah, what's the second A Okay, so. 0:39:10.320 --> 0:39:12.680 That's the first day, that's acceptance, the second eight. 0:39:12.920 --> 0:39:14.320 There's so much more in the book. I just read 0:39:14.400 --> 0:39:15.959 so much more there's so much more in the book. 0:39:16.000 --> 0:39:19.640 I am just moving us through as rediscussed about, how 0:39:19.640 --> 0:39:20.080 do you want to. 0:39:20.000 --> 0:39:22.000 Hear one other thing for people who struggle with acceptance, 0:39:22.360 --> 0:39:24.720 just because it comes up so frequently, especially for people 0:39:24.760 --> 0:39:28.279 early in their careers. And this was me fifteen years ago, 0:39:28.440 --> 0:39:31.120 working in corporate in a male dominated environment. I started 0:39:31.120 --> 0:39:33.560 my career as a lawyer, commercial law. I was in 0:39:33.560 --> 0:39:35.880 that industry for four years. Then I moved into banking 0:39:35.920 --> 0:39:38.799 and finance for six years. Oh gosh. The whole time, 0:39:38.800 --> 0:39:41.040 I felt like an impostor. I felt like I didn't belong. 0:39:41.280 --> 0:39:43.640 I felt like a hiring mistake. But I get I 0:39:43.680 --> 0:39:46.160 got very good at faking it. So okay, now I'm 0:39:46.160 --> 0:39:48.000 going to share a little bit of my story. So 0:39:48.239 --> 0:39:50.680 when I was very young, the age of three or four, 0:39:50.760 --> 0:39:53.600 I had a beautiful, supportive Persian family and we'd always 0:39:53.600 --> 0:39:56.000 get together at my grandparents' house and have kebbab that 0:39:56.040 --> 0:39:59.279 my grandpa would make, and then after dinner, so I 0:39:59.320 --> 0:40:02.480 was I liked performing as a kid after dinner there 0:40:02.480 --> 0:40:05.240 would be this chance shah thereby I had bed asset, 0:40:05.440 --> 0:40:07.920 which means shah de has to dance for us, and 0:40:08.000 --> 0:40:09.520 it was great when I was a kid. I'd get 0:40:09.560 --> 0:40:11.200 up and I'd do my little thing, and they'd watch 0:40:11.200 --> 0:40:14.000 and they'd cheer, and it was fantastic. But then as 0:40:14.040 --> 0:40:17.480 I got older, I started to enjoy it less and less. 0:40:17.960 --> 0:40:19.960 But I didn't know how to say no, and so 0:40:20.000 --> 0:40:22.920 at the age of nine or ten or twelve, I 0:40:23.000 --> 0:40:25.600 still felt like I had to perform to make people happy. 0:40:25.760 --> 0:40:28.000 This was entirely in my head. If I had communicated 0:40:28.040 --> 0:40:29.920 to them or said a boundary, I said, look, I 0:40:29.920 --> 0:40:31.840 don't feel like it, they would have been fine. My 0:40:31.920 --> 0:40:34.680 family loved me. I didn't know, and I internalized from 0:40:34.680 --> 0:40:37.479 a young age that I am only as good as 0:40:38.000 --> 0:40:41.120 the performance I'm giving, which means making other people happy. 0:40:41.719 --> 0:40:44.160 And I have carried that with me through my entire career. 0:40:44.200 --> 0:40:46.960 In fact, one of the drivers of me doing a PhD, 0:40:47.760 --> 0:40:49.319 which was one of the hardest things I've ever done, 0:40:50.440 --> 0:40:53.600 was because of this feeling of not being enough and 0:40:53.719 --> 0:40:57.600 needing to still prove myself, which is the wrong reason 0:40:57.640 --> 0:40:59.520 to do anything. And I will tell you this much 0:40:59.600 --> 0:41:02.520 it's done, and I still don't feel I still haven't 0:41:02.520 --> 0:41:04.759 developed that acceptance. So it's an ongoing process for me, 0:41:04.760 --> 0:41:06.080 and I'm very aware of it and I'm working on 0:41:06.120 --> 0:41:09.000 the habits to develop it. But when I entered the workforce, 0:41:09.040 --> 0:41:13.040 so I did law because I did really great in 0:41:13.080 --> 0:41:15.400 high school and I had a lot of pressure to 0:41:15.600 --> 0:41:18.799 use those grades. So it was like law, medicine engineering. 0:41:19.040 --> 0:41:20.839 I wasn't going to do meta engineering, so I did law. 0:41:20.880 --> 0:41:23.080 I did it with psychology because I was passionate about people. 0:41:23.600 --> 0:41:26.040 But law was so difficult for me that I had 0:41:26.080 --> 0:41:28.440 to focus so much on it and I had to 0:41:28.560 --> 0:41:31.600 overcompensate because I didn't feel like I belonged. I tried 0:41:31.600 --> 0:41:35.279 to drop it after the first class, but any case, 0:41:35.320 --> 0:41:38.040 I kept with it never felt like I belonged. I 0:41:38.080 --> 0:41:40.479 was able to do really well. I got fantastic grades 0:41:40.480 --> 0:41:42.520 at the end, got a job in a top tier 0:41:42.520 --> 0:41:46.040 commercial law firm, but that feeling of this is not me, 0:41:46.239 --> 0:41:48.400 this is not for me, stuck with me, and I 0:41:48.440 --> 0:41:50.359 was trying to fake it till I made it. So 0:41:50.440 --> 0:41:53.319 I was becoming someone different. I was speaking differently, I 0:41:53.400 --> 0:41:57.120 was showing up differently, trying to sound smart and credible, 0:41:57.200 --> 0:42:00.520 using big, fancy words to fit in. What I now 0:42:00.560 --> 0:42:03.040 know is that that can backfire. Studies have been found 0:42:03.040 --> 0:42:07.400 that when you use unnecessarily complex language where you're trying 0:42:07.440 --> 0:42:09.839 to be perceived as more credible and competent. It does 0:42:09.840 --> 0:42:13.640 the opposite, and it undermines your credibility and your competence. Simplicity, 0:42:13.800 --> 0:42:16.120 it's all about simplicity. But I didn't know that, so 0:42:16.280 --> 0:42:18.720 I carried that through banking. I was so full of anxiety. 0:42:18.719 --> 0:42:21.359 I literally hide behind my cubicle so people couldn't give 0:42:21.360 --> 0:42:22.919 me work because if they didn't know I was there, 0:42:23.640 --> 0:42:26.560 I wouldn't basically be given it. Then I moved into 0:42:26.640 --> 0:42:29.320 banking and finance, convinced that if I moved into a 0:42:29.320 --> 0:42:33.200 different industry, I could start fresh, reinvent myself, leave the 0:42:33.239 --> 0:42:37.400 doubt behind. Do you think that happened. No, absolutely not. 0:42:37.840 --> 0:42:39.960 Doubt doesn't work like that. I took it with me 0:42:40.040 --> 0:42:43.160 because of my self image, because I was carrying that 0:42:43.200 --> 0:42:46.279 self image around the scars I had. And again I 0:42:46.320 --> 0:42:50.360 came from a wonderfully supportive family, and still I had scars. 0:42:50.680 --> 0:42:52.320 And one of the things as I was doing research 0:42:52.360 --> 0:42:54.439 for this book is there's a lot of talk about 0:42:54.440 --> 0:42:59.600 attachment theory and those early experiences. What some people experience 0:42:59.800 --> 0:43:03.440 is a secure attachment style when they're young. They have 0:43:03.480 --> 0:43:06.800 a supportive environment, full of love and validation and yet 0:43:06.840 --> 0:43:10.120 still as adults, they feel like they're not enough, and 0:43:10.480 --> 0:43:12.480 could be one of two reasons. It could be that 0:43:12.560 --> 0:43:15.399 you feel so indebted to your family that you feel 0:43:15.400 --> 0:43:17.480 like you need to keep performing for them to make 0:43:17.480 --> 0:43:20.640 them proud. The second reason is that you might also 0:43:20.680 --> 0:43:23.800 have had a sibling who was challenging just by nature 0:43:23.800 --> 0:43:26.479 of their personality, and you saw that and you didn't 0:43:26.520 --> 0:43:28.760 want to be that, and so you became the opposite. 0:43:28.800 --> 0:43:31.560 You became the good kid to be that for your parents, 0:43:31.880 --> 0:43:33.799 and you just take that with you. So that was me, 0:43:33.840 --> 0:43:36.360 and then I started feeling guilty about why am I 0:43:36.400 --> 0:43:38.759 feeling this self doubt? I have no reason to, and 0:43:38.800 --> 0:43:41.160 so it became this whole big thing. Anyway, seven years 0:43:41.160 --> 0:43:43.800 in banking and finance, I eventually found my way. I 0:43:43.840 --> 0:43:46.279 tapped into roles that I loved, learned to lean on 0:43:46.320 --> 0:43:48.960 my strengths, and I stopped trying to be like everybody 0:43:49.000 --> 0:43:52.080 else and realized, hey, I'm here because I have some 0:43:52.239 --> 0:43:54.520 value to offer. How do I tap into that value? 0:43:55.560 --> 0:43:57.839 And then so that was kind of my journey, and 0:43:58.560 --> 0:44:00.840 that I completely forgot the question that you asked me. 0:44:00.840 --> 0:44:03.520 But that's a little bit about my how I got there, Oh, 0:44:03.880 --> 0:44:06.520 what I wanted to share is something that I used 0:44:06.560 --> 0:44:09.200 to do, which people listening might do if they struggle 0:44:09.200 --> 0:44:11.720 with acceptance. Because we want other people to be happy 0:44:11.719 --> 0:44:16.480 with us, we say yes compulsively, reflexively before we even 0:44:16.480 --> 0:44:18.799 know what we're saying yes to, So we end up 0:44:18.840 --> 0:44:21.600 taking on more work, we end up doing more than 0:44:21.640 --> 0:44:25.239 most people, We end up exhausted because we don't know 0:44:25.239 --> 0:44:29.080 how to say no. Say no is a superpower, but 0:44:29.120 --> 0:44:31.080 it all comes down to how you say it. So 0:44:31.239 --> 0:44:34.560 something that we encourage is what's called intentional delay. All 0:44:34.600 --> 0:44:36.640 it means studies have found that if you just delay 0:44:36.719 --> 0:44:39.600 by a number of milliseconds, you make a better decision 0:44:39.680 --> 0:44:42.600 under pressure. So what that means is if someone asks 0:44:42.640 --> 0:44:45.400 you to do something, instead of immediately yes sure and 0:44:45.440 --> 0:44:47.800 then having to spend your entire weekend at work, you 0:44:47.840 --> 0:44:50.919 would say, I would love to help let me get 0:44:50.920 --> 0:44:52.799 back to you by the end of the day to 0:44:52.880 --> 0:44:56.200 make sure I am able to or let me check 0:44:56.239 --> 0:44:58.080 my calendar and I'll get back to you within an hour. 0:44:58.160 --> 0:45:00.239 So you're doing two things. You're creating a delay and 0:45:00.239 --> 0:45:03.720 then committing to get back to them. That process allows 0:45:03.760 --> 0:45:06.759 you some space to then ask yourself Okay, is this 0:45:06.840 --> 0:45:09.120 something that I genuinely want to do or I feel 0:45:09.120 --> 0:45:11.600 compelled to do because I don't feel like I'm enough. 0:45:12.520 --> 0:45:15.040 You run it through that little criteria, and then if 0:45:15.080 --> 0:45:17.359 it's compulsion because you don't feel like you're enough, you 0:45:17.400 --> 0:45:21.279 give them a polite decline, and if it is something 0:45:21.280 --> 0:45:22.680 you want to do, you go ahead and you do it. 0:45:23.200 --> 0:45:25.359 That is a powerful way to remind yourself that what 0:45:25.400 --> 0:45:29.800 you need matters to and you can politely decline without 0:45:29.800 --> 0:45:31.040 affecting a relationship. 0:45:31.560 --> 0:45:34.360 Yeah, that's the hardest part. I think we all have, 0:45:34.480 --> 0:45:37.160 because I know you write about in the book that 0:45:37.200 --> 0:45:42.160 we respond to social rejection like physical pain. Yes, we 0:45:42.200 --> 0:45:46.080 think that if someone and social rejection works two ways, right, 0:45:46.160 --> 0:45:49.000 Like one social rejection is you're not invited to a party. 0:45:49.560 --> 0:45:51.640 But the other type of social rejection is you saying 0:45:51.680 --> 0:45:53.799 no and then thinking the other person thinks you're mean 0:45:53.920 --> 0:45:56.359 or bad or rejects you in the sense of, oh, 0:45:56.400 --> 0:45:58.440 you're not good at your job. And I think we 0:45:58.520 --> 0:46:01.400 often don't talk about that second version of social rejection, 0:46:01.480 --> 0:46:04.880 which you get from standing up, setting boundaries whatever it 0:46:04.920 --> 0:46:06.960 may be, where you go. I don't think I can 0:46:07.040 --> 0:46:08.960 do that, and then someone goes, oh, I knew you 0:46:08.960 --> 0:46:11.680 didn't care, right, like a friend or whatever it may be. 0:46:11.719 --> 0:46:13.800 And that's a feeling of social rejection, which feels like 0:46:13.800 --> 0:46:15.640 a punch in the gut. It does feels like someone 0:46:15.719 --> 0:46:18.399 just stabbed you because you're like, no, I don't care. 0:46:18.520 --> 0:46:20.560 I love you, I'm there for you, and you're like no, no, no. 0:46:20.600 --> 0:46:24.319 So so many of these things are so hardwired, Like 0:46:24.360 --> 0:46:26.640 you just said, your example is, I was listening to 0:46:26.680 --> 0:46:28.800 you speak, and I was thinking about your beautiful family 0:46:28.800 --> 0:46:31.960 who loves you, and and I get that. It's so 0:46:32.120 --> 0:46:34.200 in our head where it's like, oh, I have to dance. 0:46:34.520 --> 0:46:37.840 I've always danced, I've always made everyone laugh, I've always 0:46:37.840 --> 0:46:41.240 told jokes. I've always got good grades. I'm the good kid. 0:46:41.320 --> 0:46:45.600 I'm the hyper Labels the labels, right, and those labels, 0:46:46.320 --> 0:46:48.560 most of us put them on ourselves. Sometimes they did 0:46:48.600 --> 0:46:51.279 come through teachers and parents. Of course, there's plenty of 0:46:51.360 --> 0:46:55.960 versions of that. Ripping off a label is not easy. 0:46:56.000 --> 0:46:56.680 It's painful. 0:46:56.840 --> 0:46:59.000 It's painful, right, so that ripping off a name tag 0:46:59.080 --> 0:47:01.839 is wherever, but ripping off a label is so much 0:47:01.880 --> 0:47:05.480 more painful. How do you encourage people to go through 0:47:05.520 --> 0:47:08.000 that process of ripping off a label. I'm the dancer, 0:47:08.080 --> 0:47:11.560 I'm the entertainer, I'm the performer. When it shows up 0:47:11.560 --> 0:47:13.759 in all areas of their life. They're now doing it 0:47:13.800 --> 0:47:16.239 for their partner, they're now doing it at their job, 0:47:16.320 --> 0:47:19.399 they're now doing it to their siblings. And it's like, well, 0:47:19.400 --> 0:47:21.680 if I start tearing this off, people are also going 0:47:21.719 --> 0:47:23.839 to be like, Oh, you don't want to entertain me anymore. Oh, 0:47:23.840 --> 0:47:24.640 you don't want to make. 0:47:24.480 --> 0:47:26.400 Me laugh anymore, you don't care about me any. 0:47:26.360 --> 0:47:28.319 Don't care about me anymore. And that's what they're really saying. 0:47:28.440 --> 0:47:34.480 So the cost of ripping off a label is so 0:47:34.719 --> 0:47:38.320 high for people, How do you begin that journey? 0:47:38.320 --> 0:47:38.400 Like? 0:47:38.600 --> 0:47:39.160 What do you do? 0:47:39.719 --> 0:47:41.360 So to peel off a label? You need to have 0:47:41.360 --> 0:47:44.399 a deeper yes? What does that mean? We often say 0:47:44.480 --> 0:47:48.279 yes to other people because we're trying to maintain who 0:47:48.320 --> 0:47:51.200 we are and that perception, and again, that risk of 0:47:51.200 --> 0:47:53.759 social rejection is so painful that we want to avoid it. 0:47:55.200 --> 0:47:57.600 What's really helpful is to okay, you know that there's 0:47:57.600 --> 0:48:00.440 a yes that you can be given them. What is 0:48:00.480 --> 0:48:04.959 your deeper yes? What is you declining this thing going 0:48:05.000 --> 0:48:07.800 to allow you to say yes too? Which is actually 0:48:07.840 --> 0:48:10.000 more important for you in the long run. So it 0:48:10.080 --> 0:48:14.560 might be saying no to working late tonight is me 0:48:14.719 --> 0:48:17.600 saying yes to spending more time with my kids before 0:48:17.600 --> 0:48:21.320 dinner time, me saying yes to investing in my physical health. 0:48:21.680 --> 0:48:24.200 So there's this idea of know what your deeper yes is, 0:48:24.239 --> 0:48:25.920 so that you're not just saying no to someone, you're 0:48:25.920 --> 0:48:28.879 actually honoring something within you. But the second element these 0:48:28.960 --> 0:48:31.680 labels that we wear. The brain loves labels because the 0:48:31.680 --> 0:48:34.400 brain lacks efficiency because it wants to operate with the 0:48:34.480 --> 0:48:39.480 least amount of metabolic energy. So it'll label things hot, cold, good, bad, true, false. 0:48:39.960 --> 0:48:43.080 And we also slap these labels in ourselves. I like 0:48:43.120 --> 0:48:45.319 to encourage people once you're aware of your labels. Now, 0:48:45.320 --> 0:48:47.360 how do you know what a label is? It's anything 0:48:47.440 --> 0:48:52.400 you put off after the words I am, I am intense, 0:48:53.120 --> 0:48:58.880 I am boring, I am unworthy, I am such a procrastinator. 0:48:59.040 --> 0:49:01.319 These are labels. The more moment we have I am 0:49:01.440 --> 0:49:04.279 before something, we are internalizing that we're making it mean 0:49:04.360 --> 0:49:07.880 something about us and we are identifying with it. And 0:49:07.920 --> 0:49:11.799 this is really dangerous refusing with that label. So we 0:49:11.840 --> 0:49:13.799 had a client that we worked with right around the 0:49:13.800 --> 0:49:15.759 time of the pandemic. She just started a new job. 0:49:15.840 --> 0:49:19.200 She was a senior leader and she when I initially 0:49:19.200 --> 0:49:21.800 met her, I said, tell me about yourself. So she shared, 0:49:21.800 --> 0:49:24.839 she loves pickleball like you Jay. She was a mother. 0:49:25.440 --> 0:49:27.680 She had just started this new job, and she said, 0:49:27.719 --> 0:49:31.200 and I can be intense. But when she said I 0:49:31.200 --> 0:49:36.200 can be intense, her entire face wrinkled in disgust. So 0:49:36.239 --> 0:49:38.680 I knew there was something there, and I said, what 0:49:38.800 --> 0:49:41.719 makes you use that label? So quick side note, this 0:49:41.760 --> 0:49:44.239 is just a little other tip. I avoid using the 0:49:44.239 --> 0:49:48.239 word why in any conversations, in any client meetings, the 0:49:48.280 --> 0:49:52.320 word why can be like an interrogation. People get defensive. 0:49:52.960 --> 0:49:56.000 Why j why that you suddenly get on edge. But 0:49:56.040 --> 0:49:58.920 if you say what, what was the reason? It's so valuable. 0:49:58.960 --> 0:50:01.799 And this is effective for teamwork, This is effective for feedback, 0:50:01.840 --> 0:50:04.080 even speaking to your partner. So this little side note, 0:50:04.120 --> 0:50:06.560 But in any case, I asked her, I said, what 0:50:06.600 --> 0:50:08.720 does that label mean to you? Where does it come from? 0:50:08.760 --> 0:50:10.879 And she said, well, when I was leaving my previous role. 0:50:11.320 --> 0:50:14.560 As I was leaving, my boss said, oh, you're intense, 0:50:14.600 --> 0:50:17.799 but we'll miss you. And that label stuck. And this 0:50:17.920 --> 0:50:19.680 was a label that she'd stuck on as an adult, 0:50:20.000 --> 0:50:22.200 but when we dug deeper, we found out. So she 0:50:22.360 --> 0:50:25.120 was one of I think seven kids in an Egyptian family. 0:50:25.440 --> 0:50:27.600 When she was a kid, she was the youngest and 0:50:27.680 --> 0:50:30.800 she had to fight for attention, so she was loud, 0:50:30.920 --> 0:50:33.640 she would scream, she was what they would call too 0:50:33.760 --> 0:50:37.239 much all the time, and so as a kid, she 0:50:37.320 --> 0:50:40.040 internalized this belief of I am too much. And so 0:50:40.120 --> 0:50:43.640 when this label got attached to her intense, it brought 0:50:43.640 --> 0:50:46.360 back all those memories. And so if someone has a 0:50:46.400 --> 0:50:48.920 label like this, what's really important to do is to 0:50:48.960 --> 0:50:51.200 acknowledge that you don't have to necessarily rip it off. 0:50:51.719 --> 0:50:55.240 You can replace it. So with her, I said, okay, 0:50:55.680 --> 0:50:58.840 so describe your intensity to me. And she described what 0:50:58.880 --> 0:51:00.800 it meant. And I said, okay, well, I that as passion. 0:51:01.400 --> 0:51:05.040 What if you said I'm passionate? And she had this 0:51:05.080 --> 0:51:07.600 moment of recognition in her face. She said, Oh, my goodness, 0:51:07.920 --> 0:51:10.480 you are so right. I'm passionate about what I do. 0:51:10.520 --> 0:51:13.520 I'm passionate about life. That is why I care so much. 0:51:13.560 --> 0:51:16.680 It's pure passionate, it's not intensity. And that moment of 0:51:16.719 --> 0:51:20.800 recognition fundamentally changed the meaning she'd applied to the quality 0:51:20.800 --> 0:51:23.880 that she had, and then she started showing up with 0:51:24.000 --> 0:51:26.880 that passion and owning that passion, and that was her 0:51:26.920 --> 0:51:29.880 reclaiming a label. But if you have a label like 0:51:30.080 --> 0:51:34.040 I'm boring or I'm such a procrastinator, you need to 0:51:34.080 --> 0:51:37.640 shift it into something that is growth oriented or actually positive. 0:51:38.160 --> 0:51:40.080 So we hear I'm boring a lot from the people 0:51:40.120 --> 0:51:42.080 that we work with, and we supplore it. Yeah, when 0:51:42.120 --> 0:51:44.239 we get down to it, a lot of them will 0:51:44.239 --> 0:51:47.600 claim that they get funny enough. I have a scar. 0:51:48.400 --> 0:51:50.640 I feel like my story is boring. I don't like 0:51:50.680 --> 0:51:53.279 talking about myself too much because I genuinely don't think 0:51:53.280 --> 0:51:55.799 I have an interesting life or interesting story. So I 0:51:55.840 --> 0:51:58.120 have this I'm boring narrative. I don't know where it 0:51:58.160 --> 0:52:00.360 came from. Actually I probably do. I'm not going to 0:52:00.360 --> 0:52:03.319 share that, but God, so I when I was in 0:52:03.440 --> 0:52:07.680 high school, my parents went through a divorce. It was amicable. 0:52:08.239 --> 0:52:10.400 I'm blessed with a truly remarkable family. It was an 0:52:10.440 --> 0:52:14.920 amicable divorce. But naturally, anyone who experiences that, you start 0:52:14.960 --> 0:52:17.840 to question could I have done anything differently? Should I 0:52:17.920 --> 0:52:20.040 have been more supportive? Should I have done this or 0:52:20.320 --> 0:52:23.120 been a better kid? And so I internalized that, and 0:52:23.239 --> 0:52:26.400 one way that that came out is not wanting to 0:52:27.160 --> 0:52:30.680 talk about it with anybody, because it's almost like if 0:52:30.719 --> 0:52:32.680 I spoke about it, it would make it worse. So 0:52:32.719 --> 0:52:35.840 I just bottled it all up. And so from around fifteen, 0:52:36.480 --> 0:52:39.640 I stopped sharing about myself. In fact, even when I 0:52:39.760 --> 0:52:41.880 entered the workforce, I had a group of work friends 0:52:42.480 --> 0:52:45.399 and one of them broke up with me. A female friend. 0:52:45.440 --> 0:52:46.960 She broke up with our friendship because she said, I 0:52:47.000 --> 0:52:49.279 feel like I don't know anything about you, and you 0:52:49.320 --> 0:52:52.759 know so much about me. What she was referring to 0:52:52.800 --> 0:52:55.839 in that situation was I don't like to share a 0:52:55.840 --> 0:52:57.880 lot of the negative things going on in my life. 0:52:58.800 --> 0:53:01.040 A lot of especially women, and like to connect by 0:53:01.080 --> 0:53:03.359 sharing negative things. All you think that's bad, look at 0:53:03.360 --> 0:53:05.279 what I'm going through, and that's how they bond, which 0:53:05.320 --> 0:53:08.279 in itself is not necessarily healthy. But because I wasn't 0:53:08.280 --> 0:53:10.399 sharing much about myself at all or any of that, 0:53:10.680 --> 0:53:12.920 I wasn't able to connect with people. And so that 0:53:13.040 --> 0:53:15.160 is something that I have taken with me through my 0:53:15.280 --> 0:53:17.960 entire life, and I'm still kind of trying to shake it. 0:53:18.680 --> 0:53:21.200 But this idea of replacing a label would be Okay, 0:53:21.239 --> 0:53:24.200 so a boring label could be you'd replace it with 0:53:25.160 --> 0:53:27.240 I am thoughtful and I like to give other people 0:53:27.280 --> 0:53:30.600 time to share what they're going through. Right, So it's 0:53:30.640 --> 0:53:32.440 not I'm boring, it's just no, I'm more thoughtful. I 0:53:32.480 --> 0:53:36.160 prefer careful deliberation, and I like things to be stable 0:53:36.320 --> 0:53:39.040 and grounded, and I like making other people feel seen. 0:53:39.719 --> 0:53:42.880 That's one way that you take a behavioral characteristic that 0:53:42.920 --> 0:53:45.080 you have and flip it into something that is not 0:53:45.160 --> 0:53:47.279 a negative, which then allows you to feel like you 0:53:47.320 --> 0:53:50.160 can build on it. What about I'm such a procrastinator. 0:53:50.800 --> 0:53:52.040 We get a lot of these, so we share a 0:53:52.080 --> 0:53:53.759 lot of content on social media, we get a lot 0:53:53.800 --> 0:53:57.000 of people commenting and sharing, and this idea of I'm 0:53:57.600 --> 0:54:00.439 really you know, I procrastinate all the time, I can't 0:54:00.440 --> 0:54:04.959 get started. You shift from I'm a procrastinator to I'm 0:54:05.080 --> 0:54:08.399 learning to be better with my time and take action 0:54:08.520 --> 0:54:11.520 over overthinking. So you take a label and you shift 0:54:11.560 --> 0:54:13.600 it into what you want, and that's one way that 0:54:13.640 --> 0:54:17.480 you're changing that self image. You're changing it to be 0:54:17.760 --> 0:54:20.200 what you're aspiring to work towards. And once you can 0:54:20.239 --> 0:54:22.759 see that, you're more likely to actually move towards it. 0:54:23.200 --> 0:54:25.759 Yes, yeah, I mean thank you for sharing that back. 0:54:25.800 --> 0:54:28.200 Of course, thank you for being so open, because yeah, 0:54:28.200 --> 0:54:31.120 it's always harder to share those types of things and 0:54:31.320 --> 0:54:33.319 the things you're struggling with. And I can relate to 0:54:33.360 --> 0:54:37.919 what you're saying as well, Like I find myself being 0:54:37.960 --> 0:54:43.960 someone who loves deep, thoughtful conversation, so I gravitate towards 0:54:44.000 --> 0:54:46.200 one to one even in a big group of people. 0:54:47.200 --> 0:54:50.879 And initially many years ago, and especially when I moved 0:54:50.920 --> 0:54:53.160 to LA and you know, got invite to all sorts 0:54:53.200 --> 0:54:56.319 of events and everything, in the beginning, I would just 0:54:57.360 --> 0:55:00.160 feel like, oh, I didn't There was a part that 0:55:00.200 --> 0:55:01.920 felt I didn't belong at these events because I was 0:55:01.960 --> 0:55:03.839 surrounded by people that I grew up watching on TV 0:55:03.920 --> 0:55:06.560 and film. And then there was another side of me, 0:55:07.000 --> 0:55:11.440 more interestingly, which was, oh, I don't know how to 0:55:11.480 --> 0:55:13.840 do small talk and small talk's not my thing and 0:55:13.920 --> 0:55:16.279 I don't know how to navigate that. And that even 0:55:16.280 --> 0:55:18.319 happened when I went into the corporate world, because after 0:55:18.360 --> 0:55:20.160 I left the monastery where we didn't do a lot 0:55:20.160 --> 0:55:22.719 of small talk, it was very difficult for me to 0:55:22.719 --> 0:55:28.120 go into corporate networking scenarios because to me, the conversation 0:55:28.280 --> 0:55:31.480 just didn't go anywhere, and at that time, I would 0:55:31.520 --> 0:55:34.320 start to think, maybe I'm boring, Maybe I have nothing 0:55:34.360 --> 0:55:37.760 to say. Oh I'm not that funny because I can't 0:55:37.880 --> 0:55:40.400 just quip and whatever. And I'm good at building rapport 0:55:40.440 --> 0:55:42.080 one on one, but just in a group, I just 0:55:42.080 --> 0:55:46.960 didn't feel confident about it. And I started to reframe 0:55:47.000 --> 0:55:49.560 it as I'm just going to look for the one 0:55:49.600 --> 0:55:52.279 person that I can have the deepest, most beautiful conversation with. 0:55:52.480 --> 0:55:54.080 And what's amazing is wherever I go, I have to 0:55:54.080 --> 0:55:55.799 go to so many events for work or whatever is 0:55:55.920 --> 0:55:58.440 and I just found the one person that I had 0:55:58.480 --> 0:56:00.880 the most meaningful connection with. And what I found is 0:56:00.920 --> 0:56:03.719 that just turned into loads of great friendships. And so 0:56:03.760 --> 0:56:06.800 now I never feel alone anywhere because I know someone deeply. 0:56:07.520 --> 0:56:09.440 They're knowing a lot of people in a shallow way 0:56:09.480 --> 0:56:12.440 where I can still feel alone and disconnecting. What was 0:56:12.480 --> 0:56:14.920 helpful for me was there are certain settings where I 0:56:15.000 --> 0:56:17.680 will be boring, but there are certain settings where I'm 0:56:17.680 --> 0:56:19.600 the least boring person in the world, and I'm just 0:56:19.680 --> 0:56:23.160 looking for those And that acceptance allowed me to play 0:56:23.160 --> 0:56:24.759 to my strengths and who I want to be and 0:56:24.800 --> 0:56:26.840 what kind of conversations I want to have, And it's like, 0:56:26.880 --> 0:56:28.839 I want to get to know someone deeply. I want 0:56:28.840 --> 0:56:30.600 to share intimate things. I want to hear things back. 0:56:30.640 --> 0:56:34.080 I want to hear about worldviews, like I'm fascinated by that. 0:56:34.360 --> 0:56:36.000 What I don't want to hear about is where's the 0:56:36.040 --> 0:56:38.960 best restaurant for dinner? I'm just not interested, Like that's 0:56:39.000 --> 0:56:42.160 not And so in that conversation, I am boring, And 0:56:42.200 --> 0:56:44.799 that's okay because I don't want to be interesting there. 0:56:45.239 --> 0:56:48.719 And so I love what you're saying because there's so 0:56:48.800 --> 0:56:53.640 much freedom when you address the truth of it and 0:56:53.719 --> 0:56:55.839 you find the part of it that is, like you said, 0:56:56.000 --> 0:56:59.360 growth oriented, not just positive. We're not positively spinning it 0:56:59.400 --> 0:57:03.280 because that just feels fake. But it's where's the growth 0:57:03.280 --> 0:57:05.080 side of this? That's what it was for me. The 0:57:05.080 --> 0:57:06.800 growth side was go and find someone who wants the 0:57:06.800 --> 0:57:09.680 same thing as you, because then you'll have a great time. 0:57:10.080 --> 0:57:12.359 How did you so when you were starting, let's let's 0:57:12.400 --> 0:57:15.080 live to you if you don't mind, so let's do it. 0:57:15.200 --> 0:57:17.560 Yeah, this is your version of I'm boring side. I 0:57:17.640 --> 0:57:18.520 listened to other people. 0:57:18.600 --> 0:57:21.680 Oh yes, so when you were starting in this space 0:57:21.720 --> 0:57:24.800 and you found yourself in those situations. What kind of 0:57:24.840 --> 0:57:29.160 self talk helped you stay grounded and not become self critical? 0:57:29.600 --> 0:57:32.280 The first thing I realized, And a lot of my 0:57:32.720 --> 0:57:36.360 approach has been inspired through my monk teachers. So a 0:57:36.360 --> 0:57:38.000 lot of what I would hear in my self talk 0:57:38.160 --> 0:57:40.960 was what I'd learned. And so whenever I would go 0:57:41.000 --> 0:57:42.960 to events in the beginning, people say did you talk 0:57:43.000 --> 0:57:44.760 to this person? And did you network with this person? 0:57:44.800 --> 0:57:46.760 Did you talk to this person? I was like no, 0:57:47.440 --> 0:57:51.880 because I don't think that is the right thing to do. 0:57:52.040 --> 0:57:54.320 Like I don't I don't think me going up to 0:57:54.320 --> 0:57:58.400 someone that I don't know and doesn't know me and 0:57:58.560 --> 0:58:01.640 starting up a conversation is authentic to me and who 0:58:01.640 --> 0:58:05.040 I want to be. If it happens authentically, that's amazing, 0:58:05.120 --> 0:58:08.560 but that's not authentic to me. My my authentic version 0:58:08.640 --> 0:58:12.680 is to help people feel safe and comfortable, smile, be 0:58:13.640 --> 0:58:17.000 courteous and kind, but to not be invasive, especially in 0:58:17.040 --> 0:58:20.480 places where everyone's kind of stressed and anxious. And and 0:58:20.520 --> 0:58:22.560 so my approach has always been to talk to someone 0:58:22.560 --> 0:58:24.760 if they talk to me, to smile at someone, and 0:58:24.760 --> 0:58:27.480 if there's a you feel a sense of like I 0:58:27.560 --> 0:58:29.640 we're both looking for someone to connect to find it 0:58:30.200 --> 0:58:33.760 and recognize that ultimately everyone's feeling anxious here. So there's 0:58:33.760 --> 0:58:36.640 no one who's feeling confident and you're feeling anxious. Everyone's 0:58:36.640 --> 0:58:38.880 feeling anxious because no one knows anyone and no one 0:58:38.880 --> 0:58:40.800 knows who to talk to. So I think for me, 0:58:40.960 --> 0:58:45.320 my self talk was trust hence beautiful title big, trust 0:58:45.360 --> 0:58:51.600 your book. Trust that you don't have to meet everyone. 0:58:52.160 --> 0:58:56.840 This isn't your only opportunity to do sell yours. This 0:58:56.960 --> 0:58:59.240 idea of like like you know, sell yourself, hand out 0:58:59.240 --> 0:59:02.440 your business card, every like I'm like, having a meaningful 0:59:02.480 --> 0:59:06.120 connection with someone is probably more valuable than handing your 0:59:06.120 --> 0:59:08.160 business card and shaking hands with everyone in the room 0:59:08.560 --> 0:59:10.200 just so you can say you shook hands with so 0:59:10.280 --> 0:59:13.080 and so and X, Y and Z. It's like to me, 0:59:13.160 --> 0:59:16.720 it was it was reminding myself that value was deep, 0:59:16.800 --> 0:59:19.160 it was meaningful, it was purposeful, it was intentional, it 0:59:19.240 --> 0:59:23.680 was it was mutual. The imposter syndrome part, there was 0:59:23.680 --> 0:59:25.760 definitely a lot of negative self talk at the stuff 0:59:25.760 --> 0:59:27.479 like you don't belong here, it shouldn't be in this room, 0:59:27.600 --> 0:59:30.880 like oh my god, you know, and I'd freeze a 0:59:30.960 --> 0:59:32.720 lot and just I'm not even going to say a 0:59:32.720 --> 0:59:34.760 low to that. I'm not even gonna smile because you're 0:59:34.800 --> 0:59:37.440 so stressed out. Yeah, and I think the self talk 0:59:37.520 --> 0:59:40.920 that got away that helped me get through that, I 0:59:41.000 --> 0:59:43.960 realized it wasn't self talk. It was just showing up 0:59:43.960 --> 0:59:47.560 and sitting in that discomfort. It wasn't so there was 0:59:47.600 --> 0:59:49.520 no self talk, and I know that's going to lead 0:59:49.560 --> 0:59:52.680 to it that it was just continuing to show up 0:59:53.240 --> 0:59:57.880 feeling that discomfort, feeling that uncertainty, and recognizing that it 0:59:57.920 --> 1:00:03.240 didn't stop me from connecting, smiling, meeting being myself. And 1:00:04.520 --> 1:00:06.880 the biggest question I'd always asked myself. Actually, Trevannoah said 1:00:06.880 --> 1:00:07.920 this to me when he came on the show. He 1:00:07.960 --> 1:00:09.920 was like, Jay, you always fel comfortable at all the 1:00:09.960 --> 1:00:13.600 things you're at, and I wouldn't sense that you don't. 1:00:13.600 --> 1:00:15.000 And I said, well, that's because I only go to 1:00:15.080 --> 1:00:17.560 things I feel I have a purpose at. And that 1:00:17.840 --> 1:00:20.280 solved everything to me, where I was like, if I 1:00:20.360 --> 1:00:23.120 know why I'm going somewhere, I can show up as 1:00:23.200 --> 1:00:25.520 my best self. If I don't know why I'm going there, 1:00:25.520 --> 1:00:27.680 and I kind of think someone thinks I should go there, 1:00:27.800 --> 1:00:29.360 or someone on my team said it would be a 1:00:29.400 --> 1:00:32.960 good idea. Now I hate being there because I'm lost, 1:00:33.240 --> 1:00:34.920 Whereas if I know what my purpose is and why 1:00:34.920 --> 1:00:37.560 I'm standing there, great like I could be alone there, 1:00:37.600 --> 1:00:39.800 I could be everyone's best friend there, I could be 1:00:39.840 --> 1:00:44.480 anything anyway. Sorry, long answer, no brilliant answer, the nuance 1:00:44.520 --> 1:00:47.120 and complexity and not give you a you know, a throwaway. 1:00:47.200 --> 1:00:48.800 It was wonderful. Thank you so much, and I'm sure 1:00:48.800 --> 1:00:51.800 everyone listening appreciates so much hearing your own journey and 1:00:51.840 --> 1:00:53.520 your perspective as we go through this. There's a few 1:00:53.520 --> 1:00:55.760 things that came to mind as you were speaking. One 1:00:55.800 --> 1:00:58.440 of the things you said is that mistake that we 1:00:58.520 --> 1:01:00.480 make when we think we're the only one feeling a 1:01:00.480 --> 1:01:03.160 certain way. Everyone else must be confident I'm the only one. 1:01:03.200 --> 1:01:04.640 It's called pluralistic ignorance. 1:01:04.880 --> 1:01:05.960 Interesting, I didn't know that way. 1:01:06.120 --> 1:01:08.680 Everyone actually feels that way. I mean, look, we say everyone, 1:01:08.760 --> 1:01:11.120 probably ninety five percent of people will feel that. But 1:01:11.360 --> 1:01:14.000 as you said, your ability to just show up in 1:01:14.040 --> 1:01:18.040 the discomfort and acknowledge that, hey it's uncomfortable, but I'm here, 1:01:18.240 --> 1:01:21.520 I'm safe, it's fine. That makes it easier. The next 1:01:21.560 --> 1:01:23.920 time you do it, you develop what's called a tolerance 1:01:23.960 --> 1:01:27.360 for discomfort, and that leads to amazing things. And then 1:01:27.400 --> 1:01:30.800 the other thing you highlighted is that what helped you 1:01:30.920 --> 1:01:33.680 is this idea of having a purpose and this idea 1:01:33.720 --> 1:01:37.320 of not making it about you. It was this concept 1:01:37.320 --> 1:01:39.280 of self forgetting that I'd mentioned as one of the 1:01:39.360 --> 1:01:42.440 we call it the gift of self acceptance is the 1:01:42.480 --> 1:01:45.240 ability to forget yourself and make it about other people. 1:01:45.280 --> 1:01:47.480 So you said, if I have something meaningful to share 1:01:47.840 --> 1:01:50.200 which is not about you, that's about adding something to 1:01:50.280 --> 1:01:53.760 them that allows those voices to quiet in because it's 1:01:53.800 --> 1:01:56.040 not just you doing it because you want to or 1:01:56.080 --> 1:01:57.720 you think you need to, or you think you should. 1:01:58.640 --> 1:02:01.280 It's for their sake. So that's beautiful. And then I 1:02:01.320 --> 1:02:03.600 love how you brought in imposter syndrome, which brings us 1:02:03.600 --> 1:02:08.120 beautifully to the second pillar, which is agency. So just 1:02:08.200 --> 1:02:11.320 my way of recap, we've just covered acceptance for everyone listening, 1:02:11.560 --> 1:02:15.120 and acceptance is essentially, when your self esteem is shaky, 1:02:15.680 --> 1:02:19.280 you seek validation. You feel like you need to prove 1:02:19.280 --> 1:02:22.240 your worth. Your sense of identity is attached to what 1:02:22.280 --> 1:02:26.480 you're producing or performing or achieving. The next way that 1:02:26.520 --> 1:02:29.000 self doubt can show up is not to do with 1:02:29.080 --> 1:02:31.800 the I'm not enough or I'm not worthy, and entirely 1:02:31.840 --> 1:02:34.680 to do with the can I actually do this thing? 1:02:35.240 --> 1:02:38.440 Do I have the skills and the ability to do it? 1:02:39.800 --> 1:02:42.400 And what we see here is a lot of people 1:02:42.520 --> 1:02:44.120 will fall into imposter syndrome. 1:02:44.240 --> 1:02:47.120 Shay, can you actually define what imposter syndrome is? 1:02:47.440 --> 1:02:50.720 Imposter syndrome actually doesn't exist in the literature and the 1:02:50.720 --> 1:02:56.280 research as the term imposter syndrome. It's called imposter phenomenon. Now, 1:02:56.440 --> 1:02:58.640 just notice the difference between a syndrome and a phenomenon. 1:02:58.680 --> 1:03:00.960 One of them is a behavioral phenomen phenomenon that was 1:03:01.000 --> 1:03:04.560 observed among a group of people. The other one pathologizes 1:03:04.600 --> 1:03:06.440 it and makes it seem like there's something wrong with us. 1:03:06.640 --> 1:03:09.560 So imposter syndrome was initially discovered in the nineteen seventies 1:03:10.280 --> 1:03:13.080 where they were specifically looking at women. So this was 1:03:13.160 --> 1:03:15.640 high achieving women, women who had just entered the workforce, 1:03:15.840 --> 1:03:19.440 women who had PhDs and a strong track record behind them, 1:03:19.800 --> 1:03:22.200 and they felt like they didn't belong, They felt like 1:03:22.240 --> 1:03:25.040 they were frauds, They felt that they were undeserving of 1:03:25.120 --> 1:03:28.520 their success, They felt that everyone else thought that they 1:03:28.520 --> 1:03:32.320 were smarter or more capable than they really were. So 1:03:32.320 --> 1:03:35.880 there's two elements for the impost phenomenon we'll move away 1:03:35.920 --> 1:03:39.000 from syndrome imposter phenomenon. The first element is that you 1:03:39.080 --> 1:03:41.720 feel like a fraud that other people believe you to 1:03:41.720 --> 1:03:43.920 be something you're not. And the second element is that 1:03:43.960 --> 1:03:46.000 you have to have some kind of track record behind 1:03:46.000 --> 1:03:49.200 you that allows you to feel like I don't deserve this. 1:03:49.760 --> 1:03:51.640 If you feel like an impostor and you've just started 1:03:51.680 --> 1:03:55.400 a new job, it's probably not impostor right, It's just 1:03:55.480 --> 1:03:57.440 I'm in a new environment. I need to give myself 1:03:57.480 --> 1:04:00.880 grace to learn. When we sell I diagnosed and say, 1:04:00.880 --> 1:04:02.720 oh my gosh, I'm such an imposter, this is imposter 1:04:02.800 --> 1:04:05.760 syndrome that can lead us to withdraw even further. We 1:04:05.840 --> 1:04:08.800 use it as an excuse. So remind yourself, no, the 1:04:08.800 --> 1:04:11.600 imposter syndrome or imposter phenomenon is only when I have 1:04:11.680 --> 1:04:14.160 achieved something. I've just won this award, I've got this 1:04:14.240 --> 1:04:17.800 amazing job, and I can demonstrate that I've got all 1:04:17.800 --> 1:04:20.200 these achievements behind me, but I still don't feel I 1:04:20.240 --> 1:04:23.840 deserve it. Yes, that is the definition of imposter phenomenon, 1:04:24.120 --> 1:04:26.800 and it is so common, not just among women, but 1:04:26.840 --> 1:04:29.360 also among men. Some studies have found that up to 1:04:29.400 --> 1:04:32.439 eighty two percent of people at some point have felt 1:04:32.480 --> 1:04:35.560 like a fraud. So if you've ever felt this way, firstly, 1:04:35.920 --> 1:04:39.440 rest assured you're in very good company. The next thing 1:04:39.440 --> 1:04:42.360 to be aware of with imposter syndrome or phenomenon is 1:04:42.400 --> 1:04:45.280 if you feel like a fraud, Rather than hearing that 1:04:45.360 --> 1:04:48.640 voice saying you don't belong, don't speak to that person, 1:04:49.000 --> 1:04:52.760 don't speak up, flip it immediately to Wow, what an 1:04:52.800 --> 1:04:56.480 amazing opportunity I have to learn and grow? Who can 1:04:56.480 --> 1:04:59.080 I learn from? What do I need to develop here? 1:05:00.000 --> 1:05:02.320 And it's this idea of shifting from almost comparison into 1:05:02.360 --> 1:05:06.680 emulation or envy into study. Make it something action oriented 1:05:06.920 --> 1:05:10.000 that's really powerful, and speak to someone about it. So, 1:05:10.040 --> 1:05:12.120 you know, Jason Siegal from How I Met Your Mother, 1:05:12.800 --> 1:05:16.120 he was describing on a podcast how he was when 1:05:16.120 --> 1:05:19.880 he transitioned from actor into director on Dispatches for Elsewhere. 1:05:19.920 --> 1:05:24.520 From Elsewhere, he was so full of imposter syndrome and anxiety, 1:05:25.720 --> 1:05:27.120 and he said he didn't know what to do. He 1:05:27.160 --> 1:05:29.400 was overthinking and it was becoming this big thing. So 1:05:29.520 --> 1:05:31.959 finally he calls all the crew together and in front 1:05:31.960 --> 1:05:34.800 of everyone. He says, Hey, everyone, this is my first 1:05:34.840 --> 1:05:37.520 time doing this. Don't really know what I'm doing. If 1:05:37.560 --> 1:05:40.440 I do anything that bugs you, let me know. I'm 1:05:40.440 --> 1:05:43.120 sure we're going to have an amazing time. He called 1:05:43.120 --> 1:05:46.000 it out. He acknowledged he didn't try to be perfect, 1:05:46.040 --> 1:05:47.960 as we try to do when we feel like the impost. 1:05:48.080 --> 1:05:50.959 We try to overcompensate so people don't find us out. 1:05:51.520 --> 1:05:53.200 But he just acknowledged it. And he said it was 1:05:53.280 --> 1:05:57.160 incredibly freeing. When you call out the fear, it shrinks it. 1:05:58.000 --> 1:06:00.360 And so if you're ever feeling this way, speak to 1:06:00.360 --> 1:06:02.800 someone about it. You'll probably find they've been there too. 1:06:03.160 --> 1:06:05.160 Yeah. And I love what you said about this idea 1:06:05.240 --> 1:06:07.360 of because a lot of people ask me, they're like, Jay, 1:06:07.400 --> 1:06:10.160 do you ever still feel self doubt or like an impost? 1:06:10.200 --> 1:06:11.920 And I said, I always feel it when I'm doing 1:06:12.000 --> 1:06:15.120 something new. Yeah, and that has made me realize that 1:06:15.200 --> 1:06:17.400 it's got nothing to do with me. No, it's because 1:06:17.440 --> 1:06:19.360 I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone. Yes, 1:06:19.680 --> 1:06:22.720 So I love it now. So I love the idea 1:06:22.760 --> 1:06:25.280 of feeling that way because it's proof to me that 1:06:25.480 --> 1:06:28.400 I'm pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I'm trying 1:06:28.440 --> 1:06:32.080 something new or expanding something where building a new business, 1:06:32.080 --> 1:06:34.640 for starting a new venture, we're creating a new service, 1:06:35.320 --> 1:06:37.840 purpose program, whatever it may be. It's like I've just 1:06:37.880 --> 1:06:40.240 never done it before. And yeah, if I keep doing 1:06:40.400 --> 1:06:43.280 everything I've always done, I don't get nervous anymore. But 1:06:43.320 --> 1:06:47.000 that's boring to me. Yes, and that's not exciting. And 1:06:47.080 --> 1:06:51.880 so now that feeling of being uncomfortable and being nervous 1:06:51.920 --> 1:06:55.760 and being wondering whether I fit in and everything is 1:06:55.880 --> 1:06:58.560 great because it's a sign to me that I'm moving forward. 1:06:58.760 --> 1:07:01.560 Yes, it's growth with it integrity, as we say, because 1:07:01.560 --> 1:07:04.120 if you had blind delusion, you wouldn't feel the doubt. 1:07:04.520 --> 1:07:05.480 Yes, right exactly. 1:07:05.520 --> 1:07:09.240 So you've got the integrity, the intellectual humility to know, Okay, 1:07:09.240 --> 1:07:11.680 I haven't done this before. Here are the gaps. But 1:07:11.760 --> 1:07:14.760 you're embracing the discomfort that comes with growth. You only 1:07:14.840 --> 1:07:18.800 experience that kind of imposter feeling when you're stretched. You 1:07:18.800 --> 1:07:20.920 would never feel that if you know how to do everything, 1:07:21.200 --> 1:07:22.680 and if you're fully comfortable. 1:07:22.280 --> 1:07:24.320 And if you're a narcissist like you're actually, yes, well. 1:07:24.320 --> 1:07:25.720 Do you need to acknowledge It's like five to eight 1:07:25.720 --> 1:07:27.439 percent of the population that we're not talking about. 1:07:27.720 --> 1:07:30.080 Yeah, no, but no, but that delusion point is true 1:07:30.120 --> 1:07:33.040 that if anyone ever says, oh, I never feel any 1:07:33.080 --> 1:07:36.440 self doubt, there's a sense of delusional confidence or a 1:07:36.520 --> 1:07:38.720 lack of self aware, a lack of self awareness, which 1:07:38.800 --> 1:07:42.880 isn't healthy because you're convinced, and it almost is an 1:07:42.880 --> 1:07:46.160 insecurity projection because you're convincing yourself. No, no, of course 1:07:46.200 --> 1:07:48.959 I don't feel anything. It's like, well, no, everyone's human 1:07:48.960 --> 1:07:50.960 would feel. You'd feel something, no matter even if it 1:07:51.000 --> 1:07:54.280 was really small, like if I feel this is a 1:07:54.360 --> 1:07:58.400 terrible example, but because I don't cook, I can't cook 1:07:58.440 --> 1:08:00.640 to same my life. It's like if if my wife 1:08:00.680 --> 1:08:03.480 asked me to cook dinner, I would be freaking out 1:08:03.720 --> 1:08:05.080 because I want to have a clue of what to do. 1:08:05.600 --> 1:08:08.000 And it's the small it's a very small thing, like 1:08:08.040 --> 1:08:09.840 people know how to do it. It's simple. It seems 1:08:09.880 --> 1:08:13.440 like an easy risk. Yeah, now risk, yeah to some degree, yeah, exactly. 1:08:13.720 --> 1:08:16.719 But that's the point that it's it's not even about 1:08:16.760 --> 1:08:19.519 the grandiosity of the task. It's about what's new to 1:08:19.600 --> 1:08:22.760 you and what you find difficult. And so no one 1:08:22.760 --> 1:08:26.920 can even say, oh, but that's small or that's big, big, 1:08:26.960 --> 1:08:30.160 and smaller, not the indicators of whether you feel uncomfortable. 1:08:30.160 --> 1:08:33.320 And so for someone something uncomfortable might be doing something 1:08:33.360 --> 1:08:35.439 really small, and for someone else, you might be doing 1:08:35.479 --> 1:08:36.200 something really big. 1:08:36.080 --> 1:08:38.679 And exactly exactly. And a big part of that comes 1:08:38.680 --> 1:08:41.400 down to your level of agency. Where do you fall 1:08:41.439 --> 1:08:44.320 on that scale. So agency relates to what's called self efficacy. 1:08:44.600 --> 1:08:47.400 That's a personality trade, which is the belief that you 1:08:47.439 --> 1:08:49.080 can do what you need to do to achieve what 1:08:49.120 --> 1:08:52.400 you want to achieve. I want to take you somewhere, 1:08:52.439 --> 1:08:54.360 which relates to this, and it actually relates to the 1:08:54.400 --> 1:08:57.200 overarching theme of the book Jay. If I were to 1:08:57.240 --> 1:08:59.000 ask you, I mean, we've kind of primed it now, 1:08:59.040 --> 1:09:00.280 but if I were to ask you off the top 1:09:00.320 --> 1:09:01.920 of your head, what do you think the opposite of 1:09:01.920 --> 1:09:03.680 self doubt is? 1:09:03.680 --> 1:09:04.719 Is it not self trust? 1:09:05.160 --> 1:09:07.360 Yeah? So AT primed you, so it's absolutely self trust. 1:09:07.600 --> 1:09:09.559 So we find though that ninety percent of people, if 1:09:09.600 --> 1:09:12.720 we haven't had this conversation, I should have asked you 1:09:12.720 --> 1:09:14.920 that at the very beginning, when we ask this question, 1:09:15.040 --> 1:09:17.360 ninety percent of people will say that it is or 1:09:17.439 --> 1:09:22.040 ninety five percent will say it is confidence. Confidence, And 1:09:22.160 --> 1:09:25.519 so many people so much of the population are waiting 1:09:25.920 --> 1:09:28.639 for that feeling of confidence before they take that step. 1:09:29.040 --> 1:09:32.040 They say, I'll know when I'm ready. You know, that 1:09:32.080 --> 1:09:34.880 feeling of confidence that we wait for. Actually, when we 1:09:34.920 --> 1:09:37.280 look at the literature, it does not come before we 1:09:37.320 --> 1:09:40.120 take the action. It comes after we take the action. 1:09:40.600 --> 1:09:43.479 Because the brain needs to see yourself doing the thing. 1:09:43.920 --> 1:09:45.840 It gets a proof point, it gets an evidence point, 1:09:45.840 --> 1:09:48.360 Hey I can do this. That then builds a degree 1:09:48.360 --> 1:09:50.760 of skill and competence. Hey I did it and I 1:09:50.800 --> 1:09:53.120 was okay, and I got better, which then boosts your 1:09:53.160 --> 1:09:57.840 self efficacy, and then that creates momentum and motivation. And 1:09:58.000 --> 1:10:01.240 that is the feeling that we've a asociated with confidence. 1:10:02.120 --> 1:10:03.240 So what do we need before the. 1:10:03.320 --> 1:10:04.920 What do we need before Well, when we actually look 1:10:04.920 --> 1:10:06.400 at the word confidence, So I think this is where 1:10:06.439 --> 1:10:08.080 the mix up happened. When we look at the origins 1:10:08.080 --> 1:10:10.280 of the word confidence. It comes from the words in 1:10:10.360 --> 1:10:16.759 Latin con and fidere, meaning with trust. And so really, 1:10:16.840 --> 1:10:19.439 what we need before we take action is not that 1:10:19.479 --> 1:10:24.880 feeling that we're waiting for. It's self trust, trusting that 1:10:24.960 --> 1:10:28.320 you can handle whatever comes your way, whether you succeed, 1:10:28.360 --> 1:10:30.439 whether you fail, whether you bounce back, whether you bounce 1:10:30.640 --> 1:10:33.920 whatever it is, you will be okay. And in order 1:10:33.960 --> 1:10:37.240 to do that, we call that the state of big trust, 1:10:37.760 --> 1:10:41.960 which is recognizing these four attributes, reminding yourself that you 1:10:41.960 --> 1:10:45.400 can strengthen them, working on strengthening them, and also knowing 1:10:45.439 --> 1:10:47.560 which one can you lean on when you might be 1:10:47.600 --> 1:10:50.599 weaker in the others. So that's and why this ties 1:10:50.600 --> 1:10:53.080 into agency is agency is such a big part of 1:10:53.080 --> 1:10:54.720 this because if you do not believe that you can 1:10:54.760 --> 1:10:56.920 do the thing, if you don't believe that you have 1:10:56.960 --> 1:10:59.920 the skills or the ability to learn or capacity to adapt, 1:11:00.680 --> 1:11:02.800 you will not take that step. And so you will 1:11:02.840 --> 1:11:06.160 perpetually wait to feel ready, and then you're waiting and 1:11:06.200 --> 1:11:08.960 you will often occupy yourself or distract yourself with preparation 1:11:09.120 --> 1:11:12.080 and planning and all the things that we do that 1:11:12.120 --> 1:11:15.320 we think we're being productive by doing, but they're just 1:11:15.320 --> 1:11:19.640 distracting us. It's procrastinating essentially. Yeah, we just need to 1:11:19.640 --> 1:11:23.280 take the action. So agency is recognizing, hey, I can 1:11:23.320 --> 1:11:25.479 do this. I have been here before, as in I've 1:11:25.520 --> 1:11:28.760 been in unfamiliar situations and I was fine. How can 1:11:28.800 --> 1:11:33.760 I draw on that I have handled challenges before? How 1:11:33.760 --> 1:11:37.760 can I bring those attributes there's this fantastic story that 1:11:37.840 --> 1:11:41.679 comes from Polisher, legendary graphic designer. So in the nineteen 1:11:41.720 --> 1:11:44.920 it was nineteen ninety eight when Citybank was merging with 1:11:45.000 --> 1:11:49.519 Travelers Insurance, creating City Bank. They or City Group, they 1:11:49.560 --> 1:11:54.320 brought Polisher in to create the logo design. And so 1:11:54.400 --> 1:11:56.160 she's sitting at this meeting and they're all talking about 1:11:56.160 --> 1:11:58.439 what they want for this logo. She grabs a napkin 1:11:58.520 --> 1:12:01.599 and she starts scribbling on this nap for a few seconds. 1:12:02.240 --> 1:12:04.800 Finally she slides the napkin over and she says, here's 1:12:04.840 --> 1:12:09.000 your logo. The table was stunned. They said, how is 1:12:09.040 --> 1:12:10.880 it possible that you created a logo in a matter 1:12:10.920 --> 1:12:14.559 of seconds. And she sat back and she said, it's 1:12:14.560 --> 1:12:17.479 done in a second. And thirty four years, it's done 1:12:17.479 --> 1:12:19.920 in a second, and every experience and everything that's in 1:12:19.920 --> 1:12:23.840 my head, this is what happens when we lack agency. 1:12:24.040 --> 1:12:26.160 I mean, Paul is showing us what it looks like 1:12:26.240 --> 1:12:29.320 to have a strong degree of agency. When we lack agency, 1:12:29.360 --> 1:12:32.960 often what happens is we start to undervalue the skills 1:12:33.000 --> 1:12:35.880 and the strength that we've developed, because now they become 1:12:36.080 --> 1:12:39.040 easy for us. They're no longer an effort for us, 1:12:39.040 --> 1:12:41.920 and so we forget the value that they can add. 1:12:42.400 --> 1:12:43.920 We've come to e quate and I think this is 1:12:43.960 --> 1:12:46.439 a byproduct of the society that we live in. We've 1:12:46.479 --> 1:12:49.519 come to equate effort with value. I must put in 1:12:49.560 --> 1:12:52.479 effort in order to be delivering something of value, and 1:12:52.520 --> 1:12:55.120 if it comes too easily, then it's not a value. 1:12:55.800 --> 1:12:59.360 But that's because your expertise becomes second nature to you, 1:12:59.400 --> 1:13:01.640 and then it becomes invisible to you. Not only that, 1:13:02.120 --> 1:13:04.760 it can become invisible to other people if you do 1:13:04.800 --> 1:13:08.320 something reasonably easily like this situation. How can you design 1:13:08.360 --> 1:13:10.280 this logo that they ended up paying one point five 1:13:10.320 --> 1:13:12.360 million dollars for? How can you do that in a 1:13:12.400 --> 1:13:16.200 few seconds. You have to spend months creating this design 1:13:16.240 --> 1:13:18.120 in order for us to pay you that money. No, 1:13:18.800 --> 1:13:22.120 we need to remind ourselves that we have an incredible 1:13:22.160 --> 1:13:26.240 track record of not only hard skills and tangible achievements, 1:13:26.640 --> 1:13:32.480 but what we call essence qualities, the growth, mindset, the curiosity, 1:13:32.720 --> 1:13:35.559 the persistence, the diligence, and these are things that you 1:13:35.600 --> 1:13:39.080 develop not only at work, but importantly in life. We 1:13:39.160 --> 1:13:41.439 forget when we're at work, and this used to happen 1:13:41.439 --> 1:13:42.680 to me all the time, and it happens to so 1:13:42.680 --> 1:13:44.920 many of the people in our programs. They start a 1:13:44.960 --> 1:13:48.080 new job and they yes, they may not be able 1:13:48.120 --> 1:13:49.479 to do the things that they need to do in 1:13:49.520 --> 1:13:52.120 the job, and then they get so down on themselves 1:13:52.439 --> 1:13:55.800 forgetting that they have all these other skills and attributes 1:13:55.840 --> 1:13:57.680 that they can be applying to help them learn what 1:13:57.720 --> 1:14:00.719 they need to learn. They can bring their growth mindset, 1:14:00.720 --> 1:14:05.160 the curiosity, their desire to learn new things, their ability 1:14:05.160 --> 1:14:07.439 to grasp things really quickly. They can bring all of 1:14:07.439 --> 1:14:09.240 that with them, and as soon as you remind them 1:14:09.240 --> 1:14:12.719 of that, they suddenly feel so much more at ease, 1:14:13.280 --> 1:14:15.760 and it opens up their mind to learning quicker. So 1:14:15.800 --> 1:14:18.400 if anyone listening is in a position where you don't 1:14:18.439 --> 1:14:20.760 feel like you have everything that you need, everything on 1:14:20.800 --> 1:14:24.400 the job description, and you're magnifying your gaps, which is 1:14:24.439 --> 1:14:28.200 what the brain does, pause and write down. Firstly, write 1:14:28.200 --> 1:14:31.080 down everything that you are needing to do. Write everything 1:14:31.080 --> 1:14:33.400 on the job description for the role, whatever it might be. 1:14:33.760 --> 1:14:36.520 In the middle column, what are all of the qualities 1:14:36.560 --> 1:14:38.439 that you have developed over the course of your life. 1:14:39.320 --> 1:14:41.960 And then in your third column, you're mapping your middle 1:14:41.960 --> 1:14:44.120 column to your first column. Right, So I'm going to 1:14:44.160 --> 1:14:45.880 bring my growth mindset for this one, this one and 1:14:45.880 --> 1:14:47.680 this one. I'm going to bring my diligence for here 1:14:47.720 --> 1:14:50.000 and here. I'm going to bring my ability to be 1:14:50.080 --> 1:14:52.920 really tenacious to this, that and that. And then suddenly 1:14:52.960 --> 1:14:54.800 you've mapped out what you need to apply and how, 1:14:55.080 --> 1:14:58.120 and it's incredibly empowering and it boosts your self efficacy 1:14:58.400 --> 1:15:14.240 and your sen of agency. 1:15:17.240 --> 1:15:19.719 You've reminded me because you just gave us the Latin 1:15:19.800 --> 1:15:23.479 of confidence. I remember looking at the English Dictionary definition 1:15:23.560 --> 1:15:27.120 of confidence, and one of them was the acknowledgment and 1:15:27.240 --> 1:15:30.879 appreciation of one's own abilities and skills. 1:15:31.200 --> 1:15:33.280 Beautiful like, that's actually the Beau definition. 1:15:33.479 --> 1:15:34.679 So confidence isn't a feeling. 1:15:34.720 --> 1:15:35.400 It's not a feeling. 1:15:35.439 --> 1:15:37.680 It's not a feeling. It's not an attitude, it's not 1:15:37.720 --> 1:15:41.840 a mindset. It's the acknowledgment and appreciation of what you've 1:15:41.880 --> 1:15:45.200 just said, of one's own skills and abilities and qualities. 1:15:45.240 --> 1:15:47.680 As you're saying, it's a bit more than that. When 1:15:47.720 --> 1:15:49.679 I looked, I think it might even say qualities. Actually 1:15:49.720 --> 1:15:51.280 I could be wrong. I actually think it might actually 1:15:51.320 --> 1:15:53.280 say that. And now when I think about it, I'm 1:15:53.320 --> 1:15:55.360 like of course, it's almost like when you're halfway up 1:15:55.360 --> 1:15:59.160 a mountain, you have to look back down and say, 1:15:59.600 --> 1:16:02.880 I've walked up halfway. 1:16:02.320 --> 1:16:04.200 As opposed to just looking at how much is left 1:16:04.200 --> 1:16:04.639 to go Oly. 1:16:04.640 --> 1:16:05.840 If you just look at the top and you go, 1:16:05.880 --> 1:16:08.760 oh god, that flag is so high, Oh my gosh, 1:16:08.800 --> 1:16:11.240 there's so many you know, there's such a steep climb. 1:16:11.240 --> 1:16:13.040 But if you look back and go, how did I 1:16:13.080 --> 1:16:15.400 get halfway up it? That didn't take that long, Okay, 1:16:15.439 --> 1:16:17.640 I've done half Okay, god noo. And it's just so 1:16:17.800 --> 1:16:21.120 fascinating to me that we haven't been trained to do that, 1:16:21.280 --> 1:16:23.519 to actually acknowledge. And I'd say that to everyone when 1:16:23.520 --> 1:16:26.839 I'm speaking on stage sometimes and I'm working with someone 1:16:27.040 --> 1:16:29.000 in the audience who's having a really tough time with this. 1:16:29.560 --> 1:16:32.799 Something I like to remind everyone is each and every 1:16:32.920 --> 1:16:36.920 one of you have been through something really difficult. Each 1:16:37.000 --> 1:16:41.679 and every person has been through a extreme pain, whether 1:16:41.760 --> 1:16:44.240 it was the loss of a loved one, the divorce 1:16:44.280 --> 1:16:50.439 of family members, a break up, the loss of a dream. 1:16:51.080 --> 1:16:53.639 Everyone there is no human on the planet who hasn't 1:16:53.680 --> 1:16:57.840 been through something that for them was exceptionally difficult. And 1:16:57.880 --> 1:17:01.840 you're still here and you survived, and maybe you've even 1:17:01.920 --> 1:17:04.080 fallen in love again and have an amazing job and 1:17:04.560 --> 1:17:07.360 have found kindness and grace within yourself. And if you 1:17:07.400 --> 1:17:12.200 don't look at that as a monument and as a 1:17:12.720 --> 1:17:17.599 marker of how far you've come, nothing will ever fill 1:17:17.680 --> 1:17:20.479 that you have to There's nothing that will ever, ever, 1:17:20.560 --> 1:17:24.800 ever ever fill that void, because if you can't notice 1:17:24.840 --> 1:17:27.519 all the hard things you've done, you will continue to 1:17:27.560 --> 1:17:29.920 ignore all the hard things you're about to do and 1:17:29.960 --> 1:17:33.679 not even feel you're capable of them. And I love 1:17:33.800 --> 1:17:37.000 that you're giving people a practical methodology in the book 1:17:37.400 --> 1:17:41.000 and today in how to actually do that, And I 1:17:41.080 --> 1:17:43.599 agree with you, before you apply for that job, do this. Yeah, 1:17:43.640 --> 1:17:45.920 Like this is more important than putting your resume together 1:17:45.960 --> 1:17:49.439 and all of that, because before that job interview, do this. 1:17:49.840 --> 1:17:51.600 I love how you've just touched on this idea of 1:17:51.720 --> 1:17:53.840 the challenges we've been through, which leads us into the 1:17:53.840 --> 1:17:56.000 third pillar. But before we get there, I want to 1:17:56.040 --> 1:17:57.719 come back to agency for a moment. So when people 1:17:57.760 --> 1:18:01.280 are applying for jobs, what's really valuable to know is 1:18:01.280 --> 1:18:03.040 that you don't have to have one hundred percent of 1:18:03.080 --> 1:18:05.400 what's on the job description, but you have to be 1:18:05.479 --> 1:18:07.439 able to demonstrate if you make it to an interview 1:18:07.439 --> 1:18:10.040 that even though you don't have everything that's there, you 1:18:10.160 --> 1:18:14.080 have other transferable skills and attributes and qualities that you 1:18:14.120 --> 1:18:17.000 will apply to learn what you need to learn. So 1:18:17.080 --> 1:18:18.639 let me share an example with you. When I worked 1:18:18.640 --> 1:18:21.639 in banking, I applied for a very, very senior role 1:18:21.880 --> 1:18:25.160 that was probably three levels above where I was, and 1:18:25.240 --> 1:18:28.840 I was completely underqualified for it. I already had another 1:18:28.920 --> 1:18:31.400 job that had been offered to me, so I wasn't 1:18:31.920 --> 1:18:35.000 this was kind of a side piece. I wasn't side piece, No, 1:18:35.080 --> 1:18:36.840 it was it was an opportunity that you know, I 1:18:36.880 --> 1:18:38.599 would have taken if I had it, But it meant 1:18:38.640 --> 1:18:40.720 I didn't have as much pressure, so I got to 1:18:40.760 --> 1:18:42.639 try something. So I went in there for the first 1:18:42.720 --> 1:18:47.040 round interview and it went really well, and I went 1:18:47.120 --> 1:18:49.800 back for the second round interview, which was the final one, 1:18:50.200 --> 1:18:51.960 and when I came to sit down with the head 1:18:51.960 --> 1:18:55.120 of this entire area, I sat down and he said 1:18:55.120 --> 1:18:57.680 to me, look, Shade, I need to tell you that 1:18:59.400 --> 1:19:04.000 we we're not entirely sure. And as he was finishing, 1:19:04.439 --> 1:19:07.120 I jumped in and I said, it's very clear that 1:19:07.200 --> 1:19:10.599 I don't have all the roles or all the track 1:19:10.640 --> 1:19:13.280 record of having done this before. Yes, I don't have 1:19:13.320 --> 1:19:15.559 experience in all of these things, but let me tell 1:19:15.600 --> 1:19:17.880 you what I do bring. I have been in roles 1:19:17.880 --> 1:19:20.400 in the past where I haven't known how to do anything, 1:19:20.680 --> 1:19:23.040 and I very quickly got up to speed. I asked 1:19:23.040 --> 1:19:25.519 what I needed to ask, I learned, I excelled, and 1:19:25.560 --> 1:19:28.200 I was able to deliver In this example. I did this. 1:19:28.320 --> 1:19:30.599 In that example, I did this. I see this as 1:19:30.640 --> 1:19:33.000 being no different. Yes, I haven't been here, but I 1:19:33.000 --> 1:19:35.559 will bring that. And in fact, I consider the fact 1:19:35.600 --> 1:19:38.320 that I don't have experience a bonus because I'm not 1:19:38.320 --> 1:19:40.320 going to do things the way everyone else does. I'm 1:19:40.360 --> 1:19:43.000 going to ask the curious questions where everyone else just 1:19:43.000 --> 1:19:45.559 takes it as a given. And do you know what 1:19:45.600 --> 1:19:48.000 he said to me? He said, I had planned for 1:19:48.040 --> 1:19:49.400 you to come in here today and me to tell 1:19:49.439 --> 1:19:51.320 you that it's not going to work out, but you've 1:19:51.360 --> 1:19:54.040 completely changed my mind. I now have confidence in you. 1:19:54.320 --> 1:19:56.720 We'd like to offer you the role. So then I 1:19:56.720 --> 1:19:58.280 asked for some time to think about it, and I 1:19:58.320 --> 1:20:01.120 realized that actually the other one was better suited to me. 1:20:01.600 --> 1:20:04.240 But it was a lesson in how you shouldn't take 1:20:04.280 --> 1:20:06.799 yourself out of the game before the game begins. 1:20:07.000 --> 1:20:08.519 Yes, yes, go. 1:20:08.439 --> 1:20:11.120 In there with confidence acknowledge if you don't know how 1:20:11.120 --> 1:20:12.760 to do The worst thing is to say no, I've 1:20:12.760 --> 1:20:14.599 done it before and then get caught out. Don't lie, 1:20:15.200 --> 1:20:19.000 but have the confidence, the conviction in the fact that hey, 1:20:19.040 --> 1:20:21.320 you have a lot of things you've done before. You 1:20:21.360 --> 1:20:23.720 can bring all of that right now, and in fact, 1:20:23.760 --> 1:20:25.800 maybe it gives you an edge. And then you want 1:20:25.800 --> 1:20:28.559 to tell them how you would spend your first ninety days. 1:20:28.640 --> 1:20:30.840 So give them your ninety day roadmap, so you would 1:20:30.880 --> 1:20:32.719 go in there and say, okay, So my first thirty 1:20:32.800 --> 1:20:34.560 days is going to be spent getting a lay of 1:20:34.600 --> 1:20:37.720 the land, to understand how people do things, to understand 1:20:37.920 --> 1:20:40.880 the culture, and to really have more of an observational role. 1:20:41.560 --> 1:20:44.840 The second thirty days is going to be me determining 1:20:45.080 --> 1:20:47.479 what are the gaps that I need to fill the quickest. 1:20:47.840 --> 1:20:50.800 I will be taking learning programs, I'll be doing training internally, 1:20:51.000 --> 1:20:53.599 maybe shadowing some people. Now, when we get to our 1:20:53.840 --> 1:20:56.720 final thirty days in that ninety day period, that's when 1:20:56.720 --> 1:21:00.400 I'm implementing. That's when I'm developing a strategy for what 1:21:00.439 --> 1:21:02.679 my next twelve months is going to look like that's 1:21:02.720 --> 1:21:04.599 how I'm going to ensure when I start this role, 1:21:04.640 --> 1:21:07.280 I'll be able to hit the ground running. And you 1:21:07.360 --> 1:21:10.120 just say it with so much clarity and conviction that 1:21:10.200 --> 1:21:11.920 they will be blown away. 1:21:12.080 --> 1:21:14.960 Yeah, Yeah, it's yeah, And especially if you follow through, 1:21:15.000 --> 1:21:19.160 it's brilliant because women, when they see a resume, underestimate 1:21:19.200 --> 1:21:21.920 what they can do. Men overestimate what they can do. 1:21:22.680 --> 1:21:25.040 And I feel that a lot of those women won't 1:21:25.040 --> 1:21:26.840 apply for a job because they can do seven out 1:21:26.880 --> 1:21:29.760 of the ten times, whereas the research shows a man 1:21:29.800 --> 1:21:31.400 will apply even if he can do only four or 1:21:31.439 --> 1:21:34.280 five out of the ten things. As a woman in 1:21:34.320 --> 1:21:36.400 the example that you've just given as well for your 1:21:36.400 --> 1:21:41.320 own life, like, what can women do to not bow 1:21:41.360 --> 1:21:42.439 out before the race? 1:21:43.439 --> 1:21:46.719 Is to not bow out before the race, essentially, don't 1:21:46.760 --> 1:21:50.120 take yourself out back yourself. And something that's really valuable 1:21:50.120 --> 1:21:51.960 here is what we also know when we've looked at 1:21:52.000 --> 1:21:59.040 neuroscience studies is that women tend to evaluate rejection harder 1:21:59.080 --> 1:22:02.040 than men, in the sense that we deem it to 1:22:02.080 --> 1:22:05.240 be much worse than for example, a man may, so 1:22:05.280 --> 1:22:08.200 we have a tendency to really blow it out of proportion, 1:22:08.720 --> 1:22:10.439 and that's why we often don't want to try something 1:22:10.439 --> 1:22:13.000 if we don't think we're going to succeed. We're keeping 1:22:13.000 --> 1:22:15.599 ourselves safe again at the function of the brain. So 1:22:15.640 --> 1:22:17.679 if you can say to yourself, I'm not taking myself 1:22:17.720 --> 1:22:19.800 out of this race, I'll let them take me out 1:22:19.840 --> 1:22:21.640 if they don't think I'm suited, but I'm going to 1:22:21.680 --> 1:22:24.080 put my best foot forward. I'm also going to remind 1:22:24.080 --> 1:22:26.880 myself that even if it doesn't work out, that is 1:22:26.880 --> 1:22:28.800 not a verdict on me. I'm not going to make 1:22:28.840 --> 1:22:31.200 that mean something about me. I'm just going to learn 1:22:31.479 --> 1:22:34.080 and do better next time. When you can frame it 1:22:34.120 --> 1:22:37.719 that way and also start to get more comfortable with rejection. 1:22:38.120 --> 1:22:41.200 So there's this idea of rejection therapy. Now, the principle 1:22:41.240 --> 1:22:44.360 behind it is that if you fear something, you're going 1:22:44.360 --> 1:22:46.920 to avoid something. If you fear a spider, j you're 1:22:46.960 --> 1:22:48.680 not going to go near spiders. But if you want 1:22:48.680 --> 1:22:50.800 to get over that phobia, what we do is the 1:22:50.880 --> 1:22:54.080 process of systematic desensitization, where first I'd show you a 1:22:54.120 --> 1:22:57.519 picture on my phone of a spider, then next I'd 1:22:57.520 --> 1:22:59.880 show you a video, Then next I'd have a spy 1:23:00.200 --> 1:23:01.519 in a cage on the other side of the room. 1:23:01.920 --> 1:23:03.960 Then it would come closer, then it would be right 1:23:04.000 --> 1:23:05.920 in front of you. Then it wouldn't be in the cage. 1:23:06.080 --> 1:23:08.600 Then it would be on your hand, and you're systematically 1:23:08.640 --> 1:23:10.400 I mean, this wouldn't all happen in a day, This 1:23:10.479 --> 1:23:13.759 would be over a number of sessions. But you're essentially 1:23:13.800 --> 1:23:17.240 telling your brain, hey, I can feel that fear, but 1:23:17.320 --> 1:23:21.200 I'm safe. And what happens is you desensitize yourself to 1:23:21.320 --> 1:23:23.479 that fear, and so by the time you've got the 1:23:23.520 --> 1:23:26.799 spider on your hand, you're not having that massive emotional 1:23:26.800 --> 1:23:30.120 reaction anymore. Same principle applies when it comes to things 1:23:30.120 --> 1:23:33.200 like rejection. If you can put yourself in low stakes 1:23:33.280 --> 1:23:35.960 rejections where you might apply for a bunch of roles, 1:23:35.960 --> 1:23:39.479 knowing that you'll get rejected, great, do it. And then 1:23:39.479 --> 1:23:41.559 when you get rejected, you ask yourself, Okay, am I 1:23:41.600 --> 1:23:44.880 making this mean something about myself? No, fantastic, it doesn't 1:23:44.920 --> 1:23:47.200 mean anything about me. I'm going to try again next time. 1:23:47.439 --> 1:23:49.240 The more you do this, the more you learn that 1:23:49.280 --> 1:23:51.960 it's okay. You are still you, You still have value, 1:23:51.960 --> 1:23:54.600 you can still accept yourself, you still have agency, and 1:23:54.640 --> 1:23:56.719 you can apply what you need to apply to achieve 1:23:56.720 --> 1:23:59.400 what you need to achieve. So that's one process to 1:23:59.439 --> 1:24:02.160 think about. So any women who were listening, or even 1:24:02.200 --> 1:24:06.280 men who hold back, stop holding back, take the step. 1:24:06.880 --> 1:24:08.000 What's the worst that could happen? 1:24:09.000 --> 1:24:11.280 Did you see any other differences between men and women 1:24:11.280 --> 1:24:12.000 in your research? 1:24:12.360 --> 1:24:14.439 So I saw really clear differences when I used to 1:24:14.479 --> 1:24:17.519 coach men and women. And this is actually even before 1:24:17.520 --> 1:24:19.720 I was officially coaching. We don't even coach anymore. We 1:24:19.720 --> 1:24:21.639 don't do one to one, we do group sessions. Now 1:24:21.640 --> 1:24:23.880 will work with companies. But when I coached, and I 1:24:23.960 --> 1:24:26.599 was actually coaching, when I was still working in banking, 1:24:27.080 --> 1:24:30.160 so I would have people reach out to me colleagues, 1:24:30.160 --> 1:24:33.320 co workers, peers, leaders and asked me to coach them. 1:24:33.680 --> 1:24:35.040 I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't 1:24:35.080 --> 1:24:36.160 know what it meant to be a coach. I had 1:24:36.160 --> 1:24:40.519 no credentials, nothing, But I loved to help, so I 1:24:40.560 --> 1:24:43.080 started helping as much as I could. And what I 1:24:43.280 --> 1:24:46.160 discovered is that the women who would reach out to 1:24:46.160 --> 1:24:48.880 me would do so because they had self doubt. They 1:24:48.880 --> 1:24:51.439 were holding themselves back. They wanted to ask for a raise, 1:24:51.479 --> 1:24:53.840 and they didn't have the courage to do so the 1:24:53.920 --> 1:24:57.360 men who reached out to me for coaching wanted to excel, 1:24:57.439 --> 1:24:59.760 they wanted to perform better, they wanted to be more productive, 1:25:00.040 --> 1:25:02.800 they wanted to start a side business. And it was 1:25:02.960 --> 1:25:06.400 really really clear that what they were seeking helpful was very, 1:25:06.479 --> 1:25:09.320 very different. It's not that these men didn't have self doubt, 1:25:09.320 --> 1:25:12.080 but they see in that environment. It was a small 1:25:12.120 --> 1:25:15.320 sample and anecdotal entirely, but it seemed like they just 1:25:15.360 --> 1:25:19.040 wanted to get ahead and know how they could move faster, 1:25:19.520 --> 1:25:21.840 whereas these women felt like they were stuck and they 1:25:21.840 --> 1:25:25.360 needed to get unstuck. So I found that really fascinating. 1:25:25.560 --> 1:25:28.280 I think part of it is that men typically don't 1:25:28.400 --> 1:25:30.840 like to share the doubt that they're experiencing. They see 1:25:30.840 --> 1:25:33.479 it as a weakness, whereas women we are just much 1:25:33.520 --> 1:25:36.000 more in tune with that, we acknowledge it, we share 1:25:36.000 --> 1:25:40.559 it with communicative and then also potentially there's this element 1:25:40.600 --> 1:25:44.600 around sharing at work. So this is moving slightly in 1:25:44.640 --> 1:25:47.080 a different space, but still really valuable for anyone listening. 1:25:47.800 --> 1:25:51.080 A lot of women are branded as being emotional when 1:25:51.120 --> 1:25:54.640 they're insecure, when they have, you know, they feel a 1:25:54.640 --> 1:25:58.560 strong emotion in a meeting or something like this, Interestingly, 1:25:58.600 --> 1:26:01.439 a lot of men have very strong emotional reactions to things, 1:26:01.439 --> 1:26:04.200 but it's more anger or frustrated or stress. They don't 1:26:04.200 --> 1:26:07.479 get labeled as emotional. So what some research has found is, 1:26:07.520 --> 1:26:10.760 if you feel like you're being labeled as emotional because 1:26:10.800 --> 1:26:12.280 maybe you've got a lot of self doubt and the 1:26:12.280 --> 1:26:16.120 insecurities coming out in that moment, say out loud and 1:26:16.160 --> 1:26:21.479 to yourself, I'm just really passionate about this. I'm acting 1:26:21.520 --> 1:26:23.760 this way because I'm so committed to seeing this through, 1:26:24.040 --> 1:26:26.200 or I'm so committed to doing a good job. By 1:26:26.240 --> 1:26:31.160 shifting from emotional to passion or commitment, it fundamentally changes 1:26:31.200 --> 1:26:34.479 how people see you and how you see yourself. And 1:26:34.520 --> 1:26:36.519 so that's just a little tweak, a little hack that 1:26:36.560 --> 1:26:38.960 comes from the science around helping to Again, it's almost 1:26:39.000 --> 1:26:41.759 like this labeling, you're not emotional, you are just passionate, 1:26:42.080 --> 1:26:44.639 you really care deeply about this thing. And then again 1:26:44.680 --> 1:26:46.880 it allows you because you're shifting your attention to then 1:26:46.880 --> 1:26:49.840 focus on, Okay, what am I doing next? So, Jay, 1:26:49.960 --> 1:26:52.040 now I think we should go into the third pillar. 1:26:52.320 --> 1:26:53.320 Are you ready to dive through? 1:26:53.400 --> 1:26:53.679 Yes? 1:26:54.040 --> 1:26:56.880 So the third pillar is what we call actually, before 1:26:56.880 --> 1:26:59.240 I tell you the third pillar, I'm gonna share Bruno's 1:26:59.240 --> 1:27:02.479 story with you. So Bruno was an entrepreneur who reached 1:27:02.520 --> 1:27:05.920 out for help. He was running a business, it was 1:27:06.000 --> 1:27:09.479 doing really well, and yet he was one of these 1:27:09.520 --> 1:27:13.320 people who would always find a problem in every solution. 1:27:14.320 --> 1:27:17.120 He would always focus on what was wrong and it 1:27:17.200 --> 1:27:19.960 was always everyone else's fault. So the very first time 1:27:19.960 --> 1:27:22.720 that we met, he walked in, he was rushing, he 1:27:22.800 --> 1:27:25.439 was complaining about the weather and the traffic and the 1:27:25.439 --> 1:27:27.200 fact that it was so hot in the room. And 1:27:27.240 --> 1:27:30.880 he spoke for about five minutes, ranting. We hadn't even 1:27:30.920 --> 1:27:34.519 shook hands or sat down. He was stuck in this 1:27:34.680 --> 1:27:37.960 litany of grievances. Finally we sat down, we started speaking, 1:27:37.960 --> 1:27:40.040 and what I discovered is that Bruno has a number 1:27:40.040 --> 1:27:44.360 of common patterns. He was an endless complainer, chronic complaining 1:27:45.280 --> 1:27:48.479 about everything. Not only that, he was very resentful to 1:27:48.560 --> 1:27:50.759 other people. He felt like everyone else had an easier 1:27:50.840 --> 1:27:53.639 life than he did. Other people's business success was easier, 1:27:53.640 --> 1:27:55.840 that he felt like he was constantly having to work harder. 1:27:56.600 --> 1:28:02.799 The third pattern was blame. Is constantly blaming other people 1:28:03.120 --> 1:28:06.040 for issues that he was responsible for. He was never 1:28:06.080 --> 1:28:09.040 willing to take ownership. And the fourth pattern is he 1:28:09.040 --> 1:28:13.640 would keep reliving past hurts, so past times that he 1:28:13.680 --> 1:28:16.280 had been hurt by somebody, someone had double crossed him, 1:28:16.479 --> 1:28:20.080 someone had treated him poorly. He kept sharing that story. Now, initially, 1:28:20.120 --> 1:28:23.040 when you're having a conversation with someone you listen to 1:28:23.080 --> 1:28:25.519 these stories. Of course you have empathy. By the tenth 1:28:25.560 --> 1:28:27.920 time they're telling you this story, within a few months, 1:28:28.200 --> 1:28:31.120 you realize they're stuck in a cycle that is keeping 1:28:31.160 --> 1:28:34.080 them stuck when it comes to complaining. And I'll share 1:28:34.080 --> 1:28:35.479 what the attribute is in a moment. But when it 1:28:35.479 --> 1:28:38.080 comes to complaining, we don't realize. This is a sign 1:28:38.160 --> 1:28:41.640 of a lack of self trust because we lack the 1:28:41.760 --> 1:28:44.439 trust that we have the ability to do something about 1:28:44.479 --> 1:28:47.559 the situation. So what do we do? Focus on what 1:28:47.600 --> 1:28:51.400 we cannot control and magnify it and complain about it, 1:28:51.760 --> 1:28:54.800 because it's easier to complain than to take ownership and 1:28:54.880 --> 1:28:58.479 do something. When we keep reliving past hurts, things that 1:28:58.479 --> 1:29:00.679 have happened to us in the past, we're telling what's 1:29:00.720 --> 1:29:05.840 called a contamination story. Jay, you mentioned earlier how every 1:29:05.880 --> 1:29:10.479 single person has lived through hardship, every single person, and 1:29:10.600 --> 1:29:13.760 depending on the story that they tell themselves about that hardship. 1:29:14.160 --> 1:29:16.880 It determines how they feel about that hardship, whether they 1:29:17.000 --> 1:29:20.599 internalize that hardship and make it mean something about them, 1:29:21.240 --> 1:29:24.280 and then whether they feel empowered in their lives or 1:29:24.320 --> 1:29:26.880 the victims. And I'll come back to that story in 1:29:26.880 --> 1:29:30.280 a moment, or the example of the hardships, because I 1:29:30.320 --> 1:29:32.200 do have a really great case study for that. But 1:29:32.240 --> 1:29:35.200 coming back to Bruno, what we discovered is that he 1:29:35.280 --> 1:29:38.800 had a very low level of what we call autonomy. 1:29:38.880 --> 1:29:41.599 He felt like he didn't have the freedom to make choices. 1:29:42.160 --> 1:29:44.400 He felt like he didn't have the ability to influence 1:29:45.240 --> 1:29:48.679 his outcomes, and that's why he fixated on everything outside 1:29:48.720 --> 1:29:51.639 of his control. This relates to what's called a locus 1:29:51.680 --> 1:29:54.880 of control. So Jay, you have a locus. I have 1:29:54.920 --> 1:29:57.360 a locus. Everyone listening will have a locus of control, 1:29:57.560 --> 1:30:01.200 which comes from the Latin word location, which means where 1:30:01.200 --> 1:30:04.160 do you place the control in your life? Do you 1:30:04.280 --> 1:30:06.800 believe that you can control things? And I'm not talking 1:30:06.880 --> 1:30:09.120 about control everything, because we know a lot of life 1:30:09.120 --> 1:30:11.519 is uncontrollable, but do you believe that you have some 1:30:11.600 --> 1:30:14.400 degree of influence or that life is happening to you 1:30:14.479 --> 1:30:18.240 because of external forces or other people, or society or 1:30:18.280 --> 1:30:22.240 the government. If you have an external focus, external locus, 1:30:22.800 --> 1:30:25.160 you will focus on things outside of your control. What 1:30:25.200 --> 1:30:28.559 other people think, what other people do, what other people say, 1:30:29.000 --> 1:30:32.040 what the government is doing, what the media is doing, 1:30:32.080 --> 1:30:33.840 what your neighbor is doing, what your brother is doing, 1:30:34.560 --> 1:30:36.719 the future of the past, things that you cannot control. 1:30:36.960 --> 1:30:39.760 And then how do you feel when you're focusing on 1:30:39.800 --> 1:30:44.080 those things? You feel powerless? Why? Because you are powerless. 1:30:45.160 --> 1:30:47.559 When you have an internal locus, you acknowledge that you 1:30:47.600 --> 1:30:50.559 can influence the outcome, you can shape your path. Again, 1:30:50.680 --> 1:30:53.599 not everything is controllable, but you focus on what you 1:30:53.640 --> 1:30:58.240 do have control over your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, 1:30:58.479 --> 1:31:01.439 your actions. That is it. And when you focus on 1:31:01.479 --> 1:31:05.920 those things, guess what, you remarkably feel more powerful because 1:31:05.920 --> 1:31:08.519 you're focusing on things you can do. We also know 1:31:08.560 --> 1:31:11.800 when people get stuck. So where Bruno was when he 1:31:11.920 --> 1:31:14.600 was in that external locus, we see a lot of 1:31:15.240 --> 1:31:18.320 activity in the emotion centers of the brain, very little 1:31:18.400 --> 1:31:21.240 activity in the prefrontal regions, which is what we need 1:31:21.439 --> 1:31:26.280 for rationality and solutions and logical thinking. So, if you 1:31:26.439 --> 1:31:30.639 ever find yourself feeling like you're complaining, feeling like a victim, 1:31:31.439 --> 1:31:33.920 and I'm not talking about real victims. I'm talking about 1:31:33.960 --> 1:31:37.439 those who victimize themselves. If anyone listening ever feels that, 1:31:37.520 --> 1:31:40.880 and the reality is it can happen, especially when unfair 1:31:40.920 --> 1:31:44.840 things happen in your life. You need to tell yourself, okay, 1:31:45.760 --> 1:31:48.120 instead of why me, what now? 1:31:48.880 --> 1:31:48.960 What? 1:31:49.120 --> 1:31:51.680 Now? It's happened. I can't do anything about it. I'm 1:31:51.720 --> 1:31:53.040 not going to dwell on it. What am I going 1:31:53.080 --> 1:31:55.479 to do about it? And we have this great little 1:31:55.520 --> 1:31:57.720 exercise we love to share with people. It's called the 1:31:58.240 --> 1:32:01.280 I could and that I will list So when people 1:32:01.360 --> 1:32:03.320 get to this state, if we encourage them to think 1:32:03.360 --> 1:32:07.120 about what you will do next, often what happens is 1:32:07.120 --> 1:32:08.720 that they start to think about all the things that 1:32:08.760 --> 1:32:12.400 they should have done or that they should do. And 1:32:12.520 --> 1:32:16.080 the language of should is very disempowering. It does one 1:32:16.160 --> 1:32:17.640 or two things that either makes us feel like we're 1:32:17.680 --> 1:32:20.800 falling short or that we're being compelled against our will. 1:32:21.640 --> 1:32:23.679 And we don't like being told what to do. It's 1:32:23.680 --> 1:32:26.840 called reactants. And when we hear a should, often it's 1:32:26.880 --> 1:32:28.360 like a part of us is telling us what to do, 1:32:28.400 --> 1:32:30.200 and we don't like it. We resist it, so we 1:32:30.240 --> 1:32:32.320 avoid the words should. So when we move to coulds, 1:32:32.760 --> 1:32:35.320 research has found that when you use the word could 1:32:35.640 --> 1:32:38.360 instead of should, it opens up divergent thinking. 1:32:38.960 --> 1:32:40.759 It's remarkable, it's a remark, it's a word. 1:32:41.120 --> 1:32:43.280 Sometimes when I look at some of this research, I think, 1:32:43.360 --> 1:32:47.439 how is something this simple so incredibly powerful? And it's 1:32:47.439 --> 1:32:51.320 because words create worlds inside us and outside of us. 1:32:52.080 --> 1:32:54.360 So you shift to could. Grab a piece of paper 1:32:54.360 --> 1:32:56.960 and you split it into two two columns. On the left, 1:32:56.960 --> 1:32:59.479 you right your I could list. What are all the 1:32:59.520 --> 1:33:02.560 things that you you could do in the current circumstances, 1:33:02.920 --> 1:33:05.280 whether you've just been laid off from your job, whether 1:33:05.320 --> 1:33:08.680 your business failed, whether your relationship has broken down. What 1:33:08.720 --> 1:33:11.120 are all the things you could do right now that 1:33:11.200 --> 1:33:14.080 allows you to feel a sense of okay, there are opportunities, 1:33:14.120 --> 1:33:17.800 there are possibilities. Here. You're also directing your attention, which 1:33:17.840 --> 1:33:23.040 reduces that emotion activation re engages your prefrontal regions. Next step, 1:33:23.240 --> 1:33:26.200 what will you do? Circle three things from your could 1:33:26.280 --> 1:33:28.439 do list and write them in your will do list, 1:33:28.600 --> 1:33:31.840 and you write I will bang bang bang, and then 1:33:31.840 --> 1:33:36.479 you take action. You're hijacking that ruminatative part of your 1:33:36.520 --> 1:33:39.720 brain and gearing yourself towards action, reminding yourself that no 1:33:39.760 --> 1:33:42.280 matter how bad things are, you always have a choice, 1:33:42.560 --> 1:33:45.280 and you're choosing to take a step forward. So we 1:33:45.320 --> 1:33:46.920 shared all of this with Bruno and we had to 1:33:46.960 --> 1:33:49.640 go through this long process. But for Bruno, there was 1:33:49.640 --> 1:33:51.920 something else that was really affecting him, and it was 1:33:51.960 --> 1:33:55.679 this contamination story he was telling. He kept telling people 1:33:55.720 --> 1:33:59.120 and himself, my life is so difficult. It's always been 1:33:59.160 --> 1:34:02.640 so difficult. It's always going to be so difficult, and 1:34:02.680 --> 1:34:04.160 it took a lot of time to shake that. We 1:34:04.200 --> 1:34:06.040 worked him through a process which I'll share in just 1:34:06.080 --> 1:34:08.880 a moment, but I want to share a story that 1:34:09.000 --> 1:34:11.160 we shared with Bruno and he loved it, and so 1:34:11.160 --> 1:34:14.400 I think all the listeners will appreciate this. So this 1:34:14.439 --> 1:34:16.840 is in the When was It Okay? So there's a 1:34:16.920 --> 1:34:20.519 nineteen year old boy. He's a drummer and he loves drumming. 1:34:20.800 --> 1:34:22.040 This is a true story, by the way, I'm not 1:34:22.080 --> 1:34:24.920 making this up. He absolutely loves drumming and he's playing 1:34:24.920 --> 1:34:27.519 with his band for two years. They are working together, 1:34:27.640 --> 1:34:31.160 they're refining, they're so excited and they feel like they're 1:34:31.200 --> 1:34:35.920 just on the brink of something really phenomenal happening. It's 1:34:35.960 --> 1:34:37.960 at that moment that his manager calls him into the 1:34:37.960 --> 1:34:40.679 office and he sits down. He's not really sure why 1:34:40.680 --> 1:34:44.479 he's there, and they say to him, look, Peter, we're 1:34:44.560 --> 1:34:47.920 letting you go. We're replacing you with a different drummer. 1:34:48.880 --> 1:34:52.160 And he wasn't even really given an explanation. Just like that, 1:34:52.400 --> 1:34:55.240 his dreams of working with this band and taking them 1:34:55.240 --> 1:34:58.120 to stardom had just crumbled, and he didn't even understand why. 1:34:59.000 --> 1:35:00.880 And they said, we're replacing with a drummer by the 1:35:00.960 --> 1:35:06.320 name of Ringo. This band was the Beatles, right before 1:35:06.479 --> 1:35:12.320 their global megastardom. They replace their drummer. Now, Peter Best 1:35:12.600 --> 1:35:16.400 goes through a depression. He starts spiraling, he becomes resentful, 1:35:16.720 --> 1:35:21.439 he becomes suicidal. He's loading bread in the back of 1:35:21.439 --> 1:35:23.880 a delivery van while he's seeing the band that he 1:35:23.920 --> 1:35:27.960 worked with for two years on a global tour becoming icons. 1:35:29.600 --> 1:35:33.160 But today he tells a different story. He says, everything 1:35:33.200 --> 1:35:35.280 I've been through, happy and sad, good and bad, have 1:35:35.360 --> 1:35:37.880 made me who I am today. I wouldn't change any 1:35:37.920 --> 1:35:41.280 of it. He acknowledges that life would have been very different, 1:35:41.800 --> 1:35:44.280 but he chooses to tell a story that is centered 1:35:44.320 --> 1:35:47.679 around ownership. And he chooses to focus on what he has, 1:35:48.000 --> 1:35:52.080 his beautiful wife, his wonderful kids, his grandchildren, and he 1:35:52.120 --> 1:35:54.320 even says, he goes, if you dwell on all the 1:35:54.320 --> 1:35:56.400 bad things in your life, and if you have a 1:35:56.439 --> 1:35:59.719 regret or resentment, you will become a twisted and bitter 1:35:59.720 --> 1:36:02.840 old get which is a very English thing to say, 1:36:03.160 --> 1:36:06.360 but it's so true. And he embodies this idea of 1:36:06.400 --> 1:36:10.719 the stories that we tell. So what he was referring 1:36:10.720 --> 1:36:13.120 to here is what we call, or what psychologists and 1:36:13.160 --> 1:36:18.000 researchers call, a redemptive story. Dan McAdams has researched this 1:36:18.080 --> 1:36:20.200 for forty years and he's found there are essentially two 1:36:20.280 --> 1:36:23.519 stories that we tell. A redemptive story is one where 1:36:23.600 --> 1:36:26.960 bad things happened and we redeemed ourselves, We learned something, 1:36:26.960 --> 1:36:30.840 we grew stronger, we accepted it. A contamination story is 1:36:30.840 --> 1:36:34.280 where that story has become contaminated in your self identity, 1:36:34.479 --> 1:36:37.760 your self image. You carry those scars with you everywhere, 1:36:38.400 --> 1:36:41.240 and then you keep seeing it replayed because remember how 1:36:41.320 --> 1:36:44.720 you're showing up. The scars that you're carrying shape your expectation, 1:36:45.520 --> 1:36:48.280 which then influences what you see through expectation. 1:36:47.920 --> 1:36:49.519 Bias huge that's huge. 1:36:49.600 --> 1:36:51.840 So that's another and a lot of people say, well, 1:36:51.840 --> 1:36:53.960 how is this self doubt? And I love that this 1:36:54.040 --> 1:36:56.320 is considered part of your self image because if you 1:36:56.400 --> 1:37:00.000 do not believe or trust that you have the ability 1:37:00.080 --> 1:37:04.280 to shape your outcomes or redefine your story, you're going 1:37:04.280 --> 1:37:07.520 to struggle. And that's why this third pillar is autonomy. 1:37:07.680 --> 1:37:12.960 There's something you said today that really struck me. I 1:37:13.080 --> 1:37:18.240 was saying that everyone's been through hard things, and the 1:37:18.280 --> 1:37:21.920 way you flip that really powerfully, and it was subtle, 1:37:22.080 --> 1:37:25.040 was that but it's how you feel about how you 1:37:25.160 --> 1:37:29.800 got through those hard things that define how they impact you. 1:37:29.880 --> 1:37:34.320 And that is so true and powerful. Like that really 1:37:34.360 --> 1:37:36.519 really hit me and resonated with me. I don't think 1:37:36.520 --> 1:37:40.720 I've heard it being said like that before, because, like 1:37:40.760 --> 1:37:43.240 you said, you talked about your parents' divorce, and even 1:37:43.240 --> 1:37:45.800 if it was even though it was amicable and you 1:37:45.800 --> 1:37:49.439 had a loving family, your take was what else could 1:37:49.439 --> 1:37:52.000 I have done? So even though you've been through a 1:37:52.040 --> 1:37:55.160 hard thing, you see it as your fault in some way, 1:37:55.880 --> 1:37:58.880 or you see it as something you could have done better, 1:37:59.320 --> 1:38:01.960 and therefore thinking about that hard thing and getting through 1:38:02.000 --> 1:38:04.719 it doesn't make you feel stronger it makes you feel 1:38:04.880 --> 1:38:08.479 weak and insignificant and whatever else you would use to 1:38:08.560 --> 1:38:12.240 describe yourself, because your memory of it and your story 1:38:12.280 --> 1:38:15.840 of it is I failed. Yes, your story of it isn't. 1:38:15.880 --> 1:38:17.960 I'm still alive and it's still survived, and I'm still good. 1:38:17.960 --> 1:38:21.360 And that is magnificent as a as a case study, 1:38:21.400 --> 1:38:26.960 because that's why people's difficult times don't inspire them, because 1:38:27.000 --> 1:38:30.479 their difficult times remind them that they're a failure. Yes, 1:38:30.680 --> 1:38:32.920 because that's the story that they built around. Yes. 1:38:33.479 --> 1:38:36.240 And we also know that when you're remembering a memory, 1:38:37.120 --> 1:38:39.880 you're not actually remembering the first thing, the first time 1:38:39.880 --> 1:38:43.160 that it happened. Yeah, you're remembering the last memory you 1:38:43.240 --> 1:38:45.479 had of it. Yes, And this is why actually memory 1:38:45.520 --> 1:38:48.320 is so fallible. They've done some studies where they've looked 1:38:48.360 --> 1:38:52.160 at suggestion and they've had people witness a crime and 1:38:52.200 --> 1:38:54.800 then they get asked to report on the crime. And 1:38:54.920 --> 1:38:56.719 let's say there was a yellow car that was speeding 1:38:56.760 --> 1:39:01.000 by the person asking questions would say how fast do 1:39:01.000 --> 1:39:04.120 you think the red car was going? And because they're 1:39:04.120 --> 1:39:06.679 not thinking about the color of the car, they'll report 1:39:06.800 --> 1:39:09.200 a speed and then the next time they ask them, 1:39:09.200 --> 1:39:10.639 that person will say yeah, it was a red car. 1:39:11.000 --> 1:39:11.200 Yeah. 1:39:12.000 --> 1:39:14.080 And so we need to be so mindful every time 1:39:14.160 --> 1:39:20.240 we relive something. And this is why overthinking, resentment, complaining 1:39:20.320 --> 1:39:24.559 is so dangerous. We're re wiring this into our system 1:39:25.080 --> 1:39:27.360 and also just remembering the last time we remembered it. 1:39:27.560 --> 1:39:29.880 But you know what's beautiful about that. It means that 1:39:29.920 --> 1:39:33.000 you can actually change the meaning you're applying to these events, 1:39:33.640 --> 1:39:36.280 and then when you start remembering the new meaning, you 1:39:36.320 --> 1:39:40.720 start to fundamentally change the memory. You mentioned something that 1:39:41.200 --> 1:39:45.000 I love sharing about, which is the bad experiences happened 1:39:45.040 --> 1:39:49.759 to us, the unfairness, the colossal pressure that we face, 1:39:49.840 --> 1:39:52.519 the whatever it is, the heartbreak, the early death, the 1:39:52.640 --> 1:39:56.840 challenges at work, business failure. A lot of these things 1:39:57.479 --> 1:40:00.880 may lead to PTSD. If something is traumatic enough, it 1:40:00.920 --> 1:40:02.519 will lead to PTSD. And a lot of people in 1:40:02.560 --> 1:40:06.920 their minds think traumatic experience PTSD. But did you know 1:40:07.000 --> 1:40:09.360 that there's quite a large number of people who never 1:40:09.439 --> 1:40:14.280 experience PTSD. They experience post traumatic growth. I do not 1:40:14.320 --> 1:40:15.200 talk about this enough. 1:40:15.200 --> 1:40:15.960 I've never heard of it. 1:40:16.000 --> 1:40:17.840 I've never heard of it either until I came across 1:40:17.880 --> 1:40:20.080 the research. There was a really large number of people 1:40:20.080 --> 1:40:24.719 who don't go through the traumatic negative experience, They experience 1:40:24.880 --> 1:40:28.080 growth from that traumatic experience, and then when they've had 1:40:28.080 --> 1:40:30.880 a look at what is causing the growth, there's one 1:40:30.960 --> 1:40:36.040 quality that they have curiosity. They don't just accept the 1:40:36.080 --> 1:40:38.400 situation for what it was and then internalize it for 1:40:38.439 --> 1:40:42.000 what it was. They ask questions about the situation. Could 1:40:42.000 --> 1:40:44.320 I have changed this? What could I have done differently? 1:40:44.600 --> 1:40:46.880 How did I feel when that was happening? What if 1:40:46.880 --> 1:40:48.840 I were to approach it this way? They go through 1:40:48.840 --> 1:40:52.680 almost a process of self inquiry, almost like coaching themselves 1:40:53.200 --> 1:40:56.200 to try and determine, Okay, what actually happened and what 1:40:56.280 --> 1:40:59.840 was my function? And can I change my interpretation? And 1:41:00.080 --> 1:41:03.080 they use it to get better rather than become bitter. 1:41:04.160 --> 1:41:07.240 And that is a powerful reminder to us that we 1:41:07.280 --> 1:41:09.040 can reclaim that autonomy. So how do we do it? 1:41:09.080 --> 1:41:11.559 How do we change these stories? It's a process called 1:41:12.120 --> 1:41:16.240 narrative reidentification. It comes from narrative therapy. It's been around 1:41:16.240 --> 1:41:18.879 for decades and it's been proven to be highly highly effective. 1:41:19.160 --> 1:41:21.800 It just takes time. Essentially, what you want to do 1:41:21.880 --> 1:41:24.439 is determine what is the story you're telling yourself. So 1:41:24.479 --> 1:41:28.080 in Bruno's case, his story was that my life is 1:41:28.080 --> 1:41:30.759 more difficult than everyone else's. And when we got deeper, 1:41:30.800 --> 1:41:34.400 it's because when he was growing up, he had an 1:41:34.400 --> 1:41:37.960 older sister who was the golden child, did everything right, 1:41:38.160 --> 1:41:41.160 achieved amazing things. He was constantly compared to her, and 1:41:41.200 --> 1:41:46.240 he wasn't given freedom to make decisions because his parents 1:41:46.240 --> 1:41:48.479 had assumed that he's going to mess up. They told 1:41:48.560 --> 1:41:49.840 him this is what you do. This is because you're 1:41:49.880 --> 1:41:51.920 never going to be like her, so we will create 1:41:51.960 --> 1:41:54.280 your path for you. So he never had a sense 1:41:54.280 --> 1:41:57.000 of autonomy, which led him to constantly focus on things 1:41:57.000 --> 1:41:59.160 outside of his control because he had nothing that he 1:41:59.200 --> 1:42:02.240 felt he could control. So we had to work through 1:42:02.240 --> 1:42:05.439 that process and this was really confronting for him because 1:42:05.479 --> 1:42:07.600 he naturally would resist, but we worked through it and 1:42:07.680 --> 1:42:10.240 he was open to it. Then the next step is, okay, Bruno, 1:42:10.400 --> 1:42:13.599 is that story serving you? Genuinely? Is it serving you? 1:42:14.120 --> 1:42:16.320 And it took him a while to acknowledge that no, 1:42:16.640 --> 1:42:19.680 it wasn't. He doesn't want to feel that way. So 1:42:19.720 --> 1:42:22.120 then the next step is, okay, how would you rewrite 1:42:22.120 --> 1:42:25.479 this story in a way that served you? What would 1:42:25.520 --> 1:42:27.760 you tell someone else? Let's go through that process, so 1:42:27.800 --> 1:42:31.719 you essentially rewrite your story focusing on what you learned, 1:42:32.080 --> 1:42:35.840 how you grew, and how you became stronger using that curiosity. 1:42:36.680 --> 1:42:38.720 And this took a little while for him to get 1:42:38.720 --> 1:42:40.800 comfortable with that and work through it. But then every 1:42:40.800 --> 1:42:42.639 time I would ask him, tell me your story again, 1:42:42.920 --> 1:42:45.000 tell me again, focus on what you learned. And it 1:42:45.080 --> 1:42:49.000 was remarkable seeing how he changed every part of him, 1:42:49.120 --> 1:42:51.360 changed the way he would turn up, the way he 1:42:51.600 --> 1:42:53.840 initially would spend five minutes complaining at the beginning of 1:42:53.840 --> 1:42:56.920 a session to suddenly be smiling, sitting down, ready to 1:42:56.960 --> 1:42:59.760 get going. And this is because when you re edit 1:42:59.800 --> 1:43:02.120 your narrative. Now we're not saying you change the facts. 1:43:02.360 --> 1:43:04.799 You cannot change the facts. What has happened has happened. 1:43:05.200 --> 1:43:07.320 But studies have found that the real power comes not 1:43:07.439 --> 1:43:10.760 in changing the history, but in changing the meaning that 1:43:10.800 --> 1:43:12.840 you have applied to that, what it means for you, 1:43:12.880 --> 1:43:15.400 how you've interpreted it. And you can edit your story 1:43:15.439 --> 1:43:18.000 at any point in time, which is the most beautiful thing. 1:43:18.880 --> 1:43:20.639 And this is a process that I actually take through 1:43:20.640 --> 1:43:23.160 people through in the book and Bruno stories in there 1:43:23.479 --> 1:43:25.200 to work through it because a big part of it 1:43:25.280 --> 1:43:27.720 is okay, great, we know this, but how do you 1:43:27.800 --> 1:43:30.040 do it? And that's essentially why I wanted to write 1:43:30.040 --> 1:43:33.800 this book, to help people have this guide to step 1:43:33.840 --> 1:43:37.160 by step work through these processes to strengthen these attributes. 1:43:37.479 --> 1:43:40.320 And when you can do that for autonomy, you suddenly 1:43:40.360 --> 1:43:41.679 feel more personally powerful. 1:43:41.840 --> 1:43:44.200 Yeah, because we just make it out like everything's our. 1:43:44.000 --> 1:43:46.479 Fault completely or everything's out to get us. 1:43:46.760 --> 1:43:50.960 Yeah. Yeah, and there's enough evidence to prove that. Yes, 1:43:51.000 --> 1:44:09.920 if you're looking for it. Yes, we know that there's 1:44:09.920 --> 1:44:12.320 things we can control and there's things we can't control. 1:44:13.080 --> 1:44:17.000 But when you were saying you're calling it the external locus, 1:44:18.320 --> 1:44:22.440 when your mind space is locked in the external locus, 1:44:23.120 --> 1:44:26.280 you feel powerless because you are. Yeah, and that I 1:44:26.360 --> 1:44:31.120 love that connection because if we believe we're powerless, it's 1:44:31.160 --> 1:44:34.080 because we're finding all the evidence that we're powerless. So 1:44:34.640 --> 1:44:40.360 if I considered the weather today and your mood and 1:44:40.960 --> 1:44:46.040 my success online today as a dictation of how good 1:44:46.080 --> 1:44:49.160 I am, then I'm going to feel powerless because I 1:44:49.280 --> 1:44:52.000 actually am powerless by the three metrics that I've chosen 1:44:52.040 --> 1:44:53.840 to do it by. So it's not even that your 1:44:53.880 --> 1:44:57.040 story's inaccurate. Your story is just wrongly focused completely. 1:44:57.080 --> 1:44:58.360 Your attention is on the wrong thing. 1:44:58.520 --> 1:45:02.439 Yeah, and so just that simple shift back to say, okay, 1:45:02.520 --> 1:45:05.959 let me actually only measure myself by things I can control. 1:45:06.240 --> 1:45:08.280 And I don't know why we all believe that we 1:45:08.320 --> 1:45:12.599 can control someone else's mood, our boss is mood, the weather, 1:45:13.280 --> 1:45:16.360 the timeline, the schedule. Like, I just don't know why 1:45:16.400 --> 1:45:19.280 we feel so strongly that we can control the things 1:45:19.320 --> 1:45:21.680 we can't and that we can't control the things we can. 1:45:21.479 --> 1:45:24.160 Because it's easier to do that. It's much harder to 1:45:24.200 --> 1:45:26.240 focus on what we can control, because then we feel 1:45:26.240 --> 1:45:28.360 empowered and we have to do something about it. Remember 1:45:28.400 --> 1:45:30.840 the brain, the brain likes certainty, and it wants to 1:45:30.920 --> 1:45:33.360 use the least amount of effort possible. And if it 1:45:33.400 --> 1:45:35.559 gets you to focus on everything outside of your control, 1:45:36.160 --> 1:45:40.160 you're not using your prefrontal regions, which require a lot 1:45:40.200 --> 1:45:43.960 of metabolic energy, and so great it's easier for the brain. 1:45:44.120 --> 1:45:47.040 We go down these habit paths of overthinking and catastrophizing, 1:45:47.080 --> 1:45:49.040 and then we don't have to do anything about it. 1:45:49.400 --> 1:45:51.559 We don't have to take the step into discomfort, we 1:45:51.600 --> 1:45:54.720 don't have to risk the rejection or the criticism by 1:45:54.720 --> 1:45:58.679 trying the thing. There's this beautiful analogy of a cow 1:45:58.720 --> 1:46:01.599 and a bison, which I came across and I loved 1:46:01.640 --> 1:46:02.720 and I had to put it in the book, and 1:46:02.760 --> 1:46:04.519 I want to share it because it's very short, but 1:46:04.560 --> 1:46:07.519 it's so poignant to what we're talking about. So cows 1:46:07.520 --> 1:46:12.920 and bison are very similar in terms of their animal history, 1:46:13.120 --> 1:46:15.360 very very similar to their cousins in the animal world, 1:46:15.640 --> 1:46:17.760 but they have a very very different approach to how 1:46:17.760 --> 1:46:22.000 they weather storms and challenges that they might experience, like 1:46:22.040 --> 1:46:26.040 a physical storm. So cows have been observed to huddle together, 1:46:26.600 --> 1:46:29.519 usually under a tree, but also they generally walk away 1:46:29.560 --> 1:46:33.320 from the storm, so they'll walk with the wind and 1:46:33.360 --> 1:46:36.519 then what happens is they end up receiving the brunt 1:46:36.520 --> 1:46:40.120 of the storm when the storm eventually catches up to them. Bison, 1:46:40.200 --> 1:46:43.519 on the other hand, have been observed to walk towards 1:46:43.520 --> 1:46:47.920 the storm. They walk into the wind, which counterintuitorly means 1:46:48.320 --> 1:46:50.640 they generally pass the brunt of the storm they get 1:46:50.680 --> 1:46:53.400 through it much quicker. So what is the insight that 1:46:53.400 --> 1:46:55.720 we learned from this, Well, there are two mindsets. There 1:46:55.800 --> 1:46:58.320 is the bison mindset, where you see the bad thing, 1:46:58.479 --> 1:47:01.200 you acknowledge the bad thing, approach the bad thing knowing 1:47:01.200 --> 1:47:05.320 that there's light on the other side, or the cow mindset. 1:47:05.520 --> 1:47:07.360 You avoid the bad thing. You run away from the 1:47:07.400 --> 1:47:08.640 bad thing. You don't want to own up to the 1:47:08.640 --> 1:47:11.439 bad thing or take ownership over it. You run away, 1:47:11.439 --> 1:47:13.240 and then it'll just get worse and worse and worse. 1:47:14.240 --> 1:47:16.080 Some people don't like the you know, thinking of themselves 1:47:16.120 --> 1:47:17.760 as a cow, so you can think of something else, 1:47:17.840 --> 1:47:21.080 some other animal, a labord or whatever it is. But 1:47:21.760 --> 1:47:23.840 we need to be asking how do we embody more 1:47:23.880 --> 1:47:26.920 of that bison mindset? How do we just acknowledge you know, 1:47:27.000 --> 1:47:29.920 life is hard, life is really hard, and you get 1:47:29.960 --> 1:47:32.320 to choose how you're going to show up to that 1:47:32.320 --> 1:47:34.200 hard Are you going to try and avoid it? Because 1:47:34.200 --> 1:47:36.880 what we also know part of this pillar is recognizing 1:47:36.880 --> 1:47:39.519 that the more you expose yourself to hard things. So 1:47:39.560 --> 1:47:42.120 this goes back to your story Jay about how you 1:47:42.200 --> 1:47:45.120 just embrace the discomfort and now you love it. The 1:47:45.160 --> 1:47:47.720 more you can expose yourself to discomfort. So when we're 1:47:47.760 --> 1:47:50.760 experiencing discomfort, it's the brain's way of telling us, Hey, 1:47:50.880 --> 1:47:53.360 this is uncertain. I don't like it. Go back and 1:47:53.360 --> 1:47:54.880 play it safe because then I don't have to use 1:47:54.920 --> 1:47:58.160 as much energy. Right, But if you can acknowledge that 1:47:58.160 --> 1:48:01.240 that discomfort is often what triggers neurotrophins in the brain, 1:48:01.680 --> 1:48:05.400 which are these proteins that help us learn things and 1:48:05.439 --> 1:48:08.160 develop new pathways in the brain. And it's through discomfort 1:48:08.240 --> 1:48:10.040 that we get that way. And that's why learning something 1:48:10.080 --> 1:48:12.840 new is uncomfortable, because it's triggering parts in the brain. 1:48:13.240 --> 1:48:15.320 But the more you do that, the easier it gets, 1:48:15.360 --> 1:48:18.320 and then that initial discomfort is so much less the 1:48:18.360 --> 1:48:20.719 next time, and then less the next time. You almost 1:48:20.720 --> 1:48:23.160 reinterpret what you feel. Hey, I feel this way because 1:48:23.200 --> 1:48:25.920 I care. I feel this way because it's excitement, not fear, 1:48:26.800 --> 1:48:29.880 and that idea of being the bison, stepping into the discomfort, 1:48:30.600 --> 1:48:34.360 putting yourself out there. A lot of people talk about luck. Oh, 1:48:34.360 --> 1:48:35.560 I'm going to share one more story with you. It 1:48:35.600 --> 1:48:37.120 from Christopher Nolan. It's such a good one. 1:48:37.200 --> 1:48:40.080 I love you know. Nolan's my favorite, brilliant Okay, so. 1:48:40.080 --> 1:48:42.040 You're gonna you're gonna resonate with this. You're gonna resonate. 1:48:42.160 --> 1:48:44.400 So Christopher Nolan for anyone not so familiar, he's the 1:48:44.560 --> 1:48:49.080 incredible director of Oppenheimer and Inception and what. 1:48:49.000 --> 1:48:52.400 Else is it doing Dark Knight trilogy exactly. Yeah, phenomena. 1:48:52.240 --> 1:48:57.000 Yeah, Memento is brilliant, and a lot of people, oh Interstellar, 1:48:57.080 --> 1:48:59.800 that's right. A lot of people will say he is 1:49:00.280 --> 1:49:03.120 phenomenally lucky with the weather when he shoots. 1:49:03.320 --> 1:49:03.759 Interesting. 1:49:04.040 --> 1:49:09.240 Okay, noomenally lucky because incredible, incredible scenes with just the 1:49:09.280 --> 1:49:12.639 weather being exactly what it needed to be. Like, there 1:49:12.720 --> 1:49:15.800 was this one scene in Inception not inception in Oppenheimer 1:49:16.040 --> 1:49:18.280 where they were doing the detonation of the first nuclear 1:49:18.280 --> 1:49:23.240 bomb and they had this incredible, dark, ominous storm that 1:49:23.439 --> 1:49:25.960 was rolling in and they were able to film and 1:49:26.000 --> 1:49:29.680 get this incredible scene that created cinematic magic. There was 1:49:29.720 --> 1:49:34.120 so much drama. Now, Nolan in interviews he rejects the 1:49:34.160 --> 1:49:36.360 idea that he's lucky. He says, I am not lucky. 1:49:36.400 --> 1:49:39.719 I am incredibly unlucky. But we have made a pact 1:49:39.760 --> 1:49:41.439 and a commitment that when we go out there, we 1:49:41.520 --> 1:49:44.479 shoot no matter what the weather conditions are in and 1:49:44.520 --> 1:49:48.160 that allows us to capitalize when the right weather is there. 1:49:49.000 --> 1:49:50.519 So what is the lesson that we take from this? 1:49:51.080 --> 1:49:55.040 Nolan's team has created an environment where they embrace the 1:49:55.040 --> 1:49:57.160 discomfort of not knowing what weather they're going to have. 1:49:57.880 --> 1:50:00.000 Some days it rains, some days it's sunny, some days 1:50:00.080 --> 1:50:03.720 it's great, some days it's not. They film regardless, So 1:50:03.760 --> 1:50:07.240 they're exposing themselves to that discomfort so that when the 1:50:07.280 --> 1:50:11.240 opportunity arises like that amazing storm, they know how to 1:50:11.240 --> 1:50:14.280 handle it. They've been in similar situations. They are prepped, 1:50:14.320 --> 1:50:18.800 they are primed. And we call this earned luck. So 1:50:18.840 --> 1:50:20.640 it's not just oh my goodness, we got lucky, No, 1:50:20.720 --> 1:50:24.640 we earned that luck. We created what's his name is. 1:50:24.880 --> 1:50:27.400 There's a tech entrepreneur who calls it a luck surface area. 1:50:27.920 --> 1:50:30.519 You can increase your luck surface area and the chances 1:50:30.520 --> 1:50:36.040 that you will receive good luck by exposure to discomfort, visibility, 1:50:36.280 --> 1:50:38.360 putting yourself out there, putting your hand up in the meeting, 1:50:38.400 --> 1:50:40.200 applying for the job that you think you're not going 1:50:40.240 --> 1:50:43.360 to get. You don't know unless you try, and that's 1:50:43.360 --> 1:50:46.480 the sign of your autonomy. And so strengthening that attribute 1:50:46.520 --> 1:50:49.360 is so important for that state of big trust, so 1:50:49.439 --> 1:50:52.120 you can start to achieve the things you want to achieve, 1:50:52.160 --> 1:50:53.920 get the opportunities that you really seek. 1:50:54.960 --> 1:51:00.960 It's amazing talked about accept and we've talked about agency autonomy. Yes, 1:51:01.240 --> 1:51:03.000 I love that you taught You taught me something about 1:51:03.000 --> 1:51:05.120 Nolan that I didn't know because I'm a big Nolan geek. 1:51:05.200 --> 1:51:07.599 So I love that. What's the fourth one? 1:51:07.720 --> 1:51:10.720 The fourth one is what we call adaptability, and it 1:51:10.800 --> 1:51:13.519 specifically relates in the context of doubt and big trust. 1:51:13.560 --> 1:51:16.680 It relates to your ability to adapt to your emotions. 1:51:17.280 --> 1:51:20.320 We cannot necessarily control emotions. We can guide them, we 1:51:20.360 --> 1:51:22.919 can harness them, but they will often come in response 1:51:22.960 --> 1:51:26.160 to a stimulus. Yeah, so how do you adapt to it? 1:51:26.240 --> 1:51:27.720 So for that, what I want to do is I 1:51:27.720 --> 1:51:30.679 want to give you a series of scenarios okay, where 1:51:30.680 --> 1:51:33.760 I think you are having emotions, Okay, to help you 1:51:33.800 --> 1:51:36.080 answer it. Sound good? Yeah, okay, great, all right, because 1:51:36.120 --> 1:51:38.000 I think this is what I was saving these for 1:51:38.200 --> 1:51:42.680 because I feel they'll their moments in time that all 1:51:42.720 --> 1:51:46.400 of us experience where there is an emotional reaction and 1:51:46.640 --> 1:51:47.719 we need to know how to adapt. 1:51:47.880 --> 1:51:48.559 Yes, brilliant. 1:51:48.600 --> 1:51:51.599 So you're about to speak up in a meeting and 1:51:51.640 --> 1:51:54.880 your brain floods with what if I mess up? 1:51:55.240 --> 1:51:57.960 So we call this the three second spiral stop. So 1:51:58.080 --> 1:52:00.880 when this happens, you want to acknowledge. So first we 1:52:00.920 --> 1:52:03.559 take a breath, take a moment, take a breath three seconds, 1:52:03.640 --> 1:52:07.200 breathe in second step, is to acknowledge that your brain 1:52:07.520 --> 1:52:10.439 is just doing what it's meant to do. It's just 1:52:10.560 --> 1:52:14.400 wired to magnify everything that could go wrong. But it's okay. 1:52:14.439 --> 1:52:16.880 There's no physical danger here, so you need to remind 1:52:16.880 --> 1:52:20.880 yourself nothing terrible is going to happen. The fourth are 1:52:20.880 --> 1:52:22.080 way up to the third step. I think we're up 1:52:22.080 --> 1:52:24.840 to the third step. The third step is to keep 1:52:24.920 --> 1:52:27.880 your whatever you're going to say, keep it as short 1:52:27.880 --> 1:52:29.519 as possible. And the reason why I say this is 1:52:29.560 --> 1:52:31.760 because your brain is magnifying what could go wrong, because 1:52:31.800 --> 1:52:34.519 you probably haven't done this many times. It doesn't really 1:52:34.520 --> 1:52:36.720 have the proof points that you can do this and 1:52:36.760 --> 1:52:38.760 do it well. And if you try and go out 1:52:38.760 --> 1:52:40.080 there and the first thing you want to say is 1:52:40.080 --> 1:52:42.920 a five minute monologue about you're going to fluster and 1:52:42.960 --> 1:52:45.000 lose it, and then you're going to have a negative 1:52:45.000 --> 1:52:48.000 evidence point. So keep it really short. You might validate 1:52:48.000 --> 1:52:50.120 what someone else has said. That's a great idea, Jay, 1:52:50.320 --> 1:52:52.719 or I'd like to build on what Simon said, Or Maria, 1:52:52.760 --> 1:52:54.120 can you repeat that one more time. I want to 1:52:54.120 --> 1:52:57.280 make sure my notes have it correctly. Really low stakes, easy, 1:52:57.439 --> 1:53:01.040 you're just allowing that energy to come out once you've 1:53:01.080 --> 1:53:03.240 done that and you've got the proof point. The next 1:53:03.280 --> 1:53:05.479 step is, Okay, now I'm going to really share what 1:53:05.520 --> 1:53:08.800 I wanted to share. Ask that longer question, share my perspective. 1:53:09.120 --> 1:53:10.360 I know I can do it because I just did 1:53:10.400 --> 1:53:12.559 it before. I'm also going to breathe again. I'm going 1:53:12.640 --> 1:53:15.000 to remind myself there's no physical threat, and then I'm 1:53:15.000 --> 1:53:17.120 going to speak. You want to make sure that you're 1:53:17.160 --> 1:53:20.320 not speaking fast, because when our emotions are in overdrive, 1:53:20.680 --> 1:53:23.920 we get nervous. We speed up our pace, which then 1:53:23.960 --> 1:53:26.560 can make people zone out or it undermines our credibility. 1:53:26.960 --> 1:53:31.000 So speak slowly, have a pause, importantly, make eye contact. 1:53:31.720 --> 1:53:34.400 That's what allows people to stay engaged. And that's how 1:53:34.439 --> 1:53:36.120 you can harness your emotion in that moment. 1:53:36.560 --> 1:53:40.799 Got it. Great adaptability? I love that, all right? This one. 1:53:40.920 --> 1:53:43.679 If you're in a meeting and a coworker takes credit 1:53:43.760 --> 1:53:45.439 for your work, what do you do? 1:53:45.840 --> 1:53:48.000 So you're in a meeting and that coworker takes credit. 1:53:48.560 --> 1:53:51.000 There are two scenarios. Either it's happened before or this 1:53:51.080 --> 1:53:53.000 is the first time. Let's start with If it's the 1:53:53.040 --> 1:53:57.880 first time, you might feel that negative emotion bubble, that unfairness, 1:53:57.920 --> 1:54:01.360 that inequality, that this is not right. What I encourage 1:54:01.360 --> 1:54:05.120 you to do firstly, determine whether you speaking up now 1:54:05.280 --> 1:54:07.760 is what you want to do. Sometimes it's not even 1:54:07.800 --> 1:54:10.080 worth it. Let it go. But if this is something 1:54:10.120 --> 1:54:12.880 that you really need to get recognition for, you put 1:54:12.920 --> 1:54:14.840 in a lot of work, you really feel like this 1:54:14.960 --> 1:54:18.479 is important, call it out immediately. So Jay, let's say 1:54:18.520 --> 1:54:21.200 you're taking credit for my work. I would jump in. 1:54:21.439 --> 1:54:23.160 Even if I have to cut Jay off a little bit, 1:54:23.200 --> 1:54:26.120 that's fine. I'd say. What Jay's trying to explain is 1:54:26.160 --> 1:54:29.040 that he worked on the initial proposal. I then jumped 1:54:29.040 --> 1:54:30.559 in and I worked with clients and we got the 1:54:30.560 --> 1:54:32.760 whole project going and it was a fantastic team effort 1:54:32.800 --> 1:54:36.120 and we're really proud of what we've created. You immediately 1:54:36.160 --> 1:54:38.720 jump in there, add you in. You don't say that's 1:54:38.720 --> 1:54:42.080 not right, Jay, I was involved. You guide the conversation, 1:54:42.280 --> 1:54:44.560 bring it back to the team, and then make it 1:54:44.560 --> 1:54:46.680 about the impact or the effort at the end. And 1:54:46.720 --> 1:54:49.160 that way, it's a polite way to just remind the person, Hey, 1:54:49.160 --> 1:54:52.400 you're on notice, I was involved in this too. Now, 1:54:52.440 --> 1:54:55.640 if it keeps happening, you want to have a conversation 1:54:55.680 --> 1:54:58.040 with that person, which is hard because again, if you 1:54:58.120 --> 1:55:01.120 lack acceptance, you're also going to feel very insecure. What 1:55:01.120 --> 1:55:02.440 are they going to say? What if they're going to 1:55:02.600 --> 1:55:04.480 hate me? What if it's going to damage their relationship? 1:55:04.880 --> 1:55:07.440 Have a conversation with them in a private environment, and 1:55:07.480 --> 1:55:11.200 you would say, hey, j I've noticed. So you make 1:55:11.240 --> 1:55:13.880 it about an observation, I've noticed that in the last 1:55:13.880 --> 1:55:18.640 three meetings when you have so it's when you when 1:55:18.680 --> 1:55:21.160 you have taken credit for the work that we've been 1:55:21.200 --> 1:55:24.800 involved in. When you I feel, I feel like my 1:55:24.920 --> 1:55:28.920 contributions are not valued or appreciated, and I would like 1:55:29.880 --> 1:55:31.640 and I would like us to be a part of 1:55:31.680 --> 1:55:35.480 a team that recognizes each other. Okay, So when you 1:55:35.600 --> 1:55:37.520 I feel and I would like, And then what you 1:55:37.560 --> 1:55:40.400 want to do at the end is how do you 1:55:40.440 --> 1:55:42.880 feel about that or what's going on for you when 1:55:42.920 --> 1:55:45.440 you take credit for this work? Are you aware of it? 1:55:45.600 --> 1:55:50.240 Allow them to speak, and then again you're politely highlighting 1:55:50.240 --> 1:55:52.120 to them, Hey, I'm aware that you're taking my credit. 1:55:52.200 --> 1:55:55.160 It's kind of not okay, it's happened before. How are 1:55:55.200 --> 1:55:58.120 we going to address this if it keeps happening. You 1:55:58.120 --> 1:56:00.520 would have a private conversation and say, look, if this 1:56:00.560 --> 1:56:03.560 does keep happening, I will mention it. Every meeting that 1:56:03.600 --> 1:56:05.160 comes up where you do take the credit, I will 1:56:05.200 --> 1:56:07.760 jump in and say, hey, this was me too. How 1:56:07.800 --> 1:56:09.880 do we make this work for the sake of our relationship, 1:56:09.920 --> 1:56:12.240 for the sake of our collaboration. So you want to 1:56:12.280 --> 1:56:15.720 focus on assertiveness. Tone is going to be important. You 1:56:15.720 --> 1:56:18.440 don't want them to become combative, but also giving them 1:56:18.440 --> 1:56:21.400 an opportunity to defend themselves if they weren't aware of it. Yeah, 1:56:21.440 --> 1:56:23.360 you know, giving them the benefit of the doubt, which 1:56:23.360 --> 1:56:26.040 helps you feel like you're not going in there combative, 1:56:26.360 --> 1:56:28.040 You're going in there with a collaborative view. 1:56:28.280 --> 1:56:31.280 Yeah. That's good. And hopefully if you're dealing with a 1:56:31.320 --> 1:56:33.760 slightly mature individual, they'll be able to receive it well, 1:56:33.880 --> 1:56:36.640 because I think that's half the battle. That you're working 1:56:36.680 --> 1:56:41.120 with someone who just you know, to that if someone 1:56:41.160 --> 1:56:44.640 just got fired or lost their job, what would you 1:56:44.720 --> 1:56:45.480 encourage them to do? 1:56:46.280 --> 1:56:49.560 I could, I will list So if you just lose 1:56:49.560 --> 1:56:52.000 your job or you just got fired, and you're generally 1:56:52.040 --> 1:56:54.160 what will happen is you will feel very low autonomy 1:56:54.200 --> 1:56:56.640 because these things are completely out of your control. You 1:56:56.720 --> 1:56:59.560 might also feel a lack of agency. Oh no, I 1:56:59.600 --> 1:57:01.839 got fired. Does that mean my skills are not valuable? 1:57:02.120 --> 1:57:04.720 You might then experience a lack of acceptance. Oh no, 1:57:04.760 --> 1:57:06.840 I'm a failure. I'm never going to be good enough. 1:57:06.840 --> 1:57:09.160 And then the adaptability is going to be going crazy 1:57:09.280 --> 1:57:11.920 because your emotions are firing. So what will help you 1:57:11.960 --> 1:57:14.200 as the first step is the autonomy piece? 1:57:14.600 --> 1:57:14.720 Right? 1:57:14.760 --> 1:57:15.000 Okay? 1:57:15.000 --> 1:57:16.720 What are all the things that I could do right now? 1:57:17.360 --> 1:57:17.560 Well? 1:57:17.640 --> 1:57:19.720 I could reach out to someone, I could ask the 1:57:19.720 --> 1:57:23.640 interviewer for feedback. I could update my LinkedIn I could 1:57:24.240 --> 1:57:25.880 you know what? I could take a day off and 1:57:26.000 --> 1:57:28.800 just process this and then I will What will you do? 1:57:29.000 --> 1:57:30.680 You might be like, you know what, I'm going to 1:57:30.680 --> 1:57:32.880 take a day off to process this because this was 1:57:32.920 --> 1:57:34.480 a lot, or I'm going to take a week off, 1:57:34.520 --> 1:57:35.400 I'm going to take a month off. 1:57:35.480 --> 1:57:35.839 Whatever. 1:57:36.200 --> 1:57:38.560 But remind yourself you can take an action and then 1:57:38.600 --> 1:57:41.800 take the action and then make your plan. But fundamentally, 1:57:41.880 --> 1:57:43.560 if we bring it back to big Trust, you have 1:57:43.600 --> 1:57:46.440 to remind yourself you are not your work. It was 1:57:46.480 --> 1:57:49.480 a business decision. It is not a reflection of your value. 1:57:49.920 --> 1:57:53.200 Maybe let's say that you were an underperformer and it 1:57:53.240 --> 1:57:56.560 was a reflection of your performance, you still say to yourself, 1:57:56.760 --> 1:57:59.520 this is data that I'm going to process and get 1:57:59.520 --> 1:58:03.760 better next time. Next one agency, I can improve my skills. 1:58:04.000 --> 1:58:06.360 I can go work for an organization that values the 1:58:06.400 --> 1:58:08.000 skills that I already have. I can learn what I 1:58:08.040 --> 1:58:10.600 need to autonomy what am I going to focus on 1:58:10.680 --> 1:58:13.840 right now to keep moving forward? And then that adaptability, 1:58:14.000 --> 1:58:15.480 what else do I need to do to make sure 1:58:15.520 --> 1:58:18.040 that my emotions are in check? And a lot of 1:58:18.080 --> 1:58:21.160 it is reframing. So instead of saying I am anxious, 1:58:21.680 --> 1:58:24.600 because remember this idea of labeling anything that comes after 1:58:24.720 --> 1:58:28.080 I am, we internalize it feels like it's fixed. Instead 1:58:28.080 --> 1:58:31.360 of I am anxious, I'm noticing a thought that I'm 1:58:31.360 --> 1:58:36.240 feeling anxious because this thing happened. Identify the stimulus. Instead 1:58:36.240 --> 1:58:39.200 of I am a failure, I'm noticing a thought that's 1:58:39.200 --> 1:58:41.720 telling me I'm a failure because I just lost my job. 1:58:42.480 --> 1:58:46.600 You're creating what's called cognitive diffusion, separating yourself from the thought, 1:58:46.920 --> 1:58:49.480 reminding you you don't have to believe everything you think, 1:58:50.200 --> 1:58:53.320 which also reminds you you don't have to believe everything 1:58:53.360 --> 1:58:55.400 that your mind tells you to, and that can be 1:58:55.440 --> 1:58:56.560 really powerful I. 1:58:56.560 --> 1:59:01.400 Love how your four a's just fully encapsulate the entire 1:59:01.480 --> 1:59:03.920 process and give us something to turn to. It all 1:59:04.000 --> 1:59:07.520 times is to quickly diagnose which one we're struggling with 1:59:07.560 --> 1:59:10.760 before the domino effect happens and it all start toppling 1:59:10.760 --> 1:59:14.240 each other own shut it today has been I have 1:59:14.360 --> 1:59:16.720 learned so much from me. I feel like you've blown 1:59:16.760 --> 1:59:22.400 my mind with research, fascinated me with stories, so many 1:59:22.440 --> 1:59:25.680 great practical tips, and it's all inside this new book, 1:59:25.840 --> 1:59:29.880 Big Trust, Rewire self doubt, Find your confidence and fuel 1:59:29.920 --> 1:59:33.160 success by shutters A right pre order your copy. You 1:59:33.200 --> 1:59:35.400 will have it for the new year so that you 1:59:35.440 --> 1:59:38.680 can start your new year with less self doubt, find 1:59:38.720 --> 1:59:43.080 your confidence, start trusting yourself. Please pre order this book 1:59:43.160 --> 1:59:45.840 right now. As an author who knows how hard it 1:59:45.880 --> 1:59:48.280 is to write books, authors put in so much time, 1:59:48.360 --> 1:59:50.440 so much effort to put together. As you can tell, 1:59:50.600 --> 1:59:54.360 Shat is one of the most researched, most well read, 1:59:54.440 --> 1:59:57.160 and you know, comprehensive thinkers that we have like that. 1:59:58.680 --> 2:00:02.560 It's such a brilliant tapestry of a step by step 2:00:02.600 --> 2:00:04.920 process of what people can actually apply in their lives. 2:00:05.320 --> 2:00:06.760 And so it'd mean the world to me if you 2:00:06.800 --> 2:00:08.760 go and support her book, Go and pre order it. 2:00:08.960 --> 2:00:11.440 Pre Orders help authors a lot too, So I just 2:00:11.480 --> 2:00:13.000 want to put it out there that if you've been 2:00:13.440 --> 2:00:16.080 if you found value in today's conversation, which you'd be 2:00:16.200 --> 2:00:18.480 crazy to think you haven't, then please go and pre 2:00:18.560 --> 2:00:21.280 order the book Shadow. We end every episode with a 2:00:21.360 --> 2:00:23.920 final five. These questions have to be answered in one 2:00:23.960 --> 2:00:27.840 word or one sentence maximum, So Shadows, all right, these 2:00:27.840 --> 2:00:30.560 are your final five. Question Number one, what is the 2:00:30.600 --> 2:00:32.919 best advice you've ever heard or received? 2:00:33.640 --> 2:00:36.120 My mum always encouraged me, if you want it, ask 2:00:36.200 --> 2:00:37.400 for it. 2:00:37.560 --> 2:00:38.120 Great advice. 2:00:38.120 --> 2:00:39.360 So why I asked my husband to marry me? 2:00:39.880 --> 2:00:40.680 Did you I did? 2:00:41.320 --> 2:00:47.520 That's more than a sentence. So my incredible husband, Faisal 2:00:47.720 --> 2:00:49.360 is also co author. So a lot of the ideas 2:00:49.400 --> 2:00:50.720 I wrote it, but a lot of the ideas are 2:00:50.720 --> 2:00:54.480 our ideas. When I met him, I had a deep knowing. 2:00:55.160 --> 2:00:56.880 It wasn't even an emotional thing. It was a deep 2:00:56.920 --> 2:00:58.600 knowing that, Okay, this is the person I want to 2:00:58.600 --> 2:01:01.880 spend my life with. And then we got to a 2:01:01.880 --> 2:01:04.480 point where I said to him, it was very quick, 2:01:04.640 --> 2:01:06.600 it was It all happened in a year. We met, 2:01:06.880 --> 2:01:10.840 we were married within about nine months. I said to him, 2:01:10.840 --> 2:01:15.000 I can see us having an amazing life together. It 2:01:15.040 --> 2:01:16.800 was basically like, look, this might be forward, but I 2:01:16.800 --> 2:01:19.200 can see us having an amazing life together. That was 2:01:19.280 --> 2:01:21.720 essentially me proposing, and then he said how do we 2:01:21.760 --> 2:01:23.720 make that happen? And that was him accepting. 2:01:24.160 --> 2:01:24.480 That was it. 2:01:24.520 --> 2:01:26.240 So there was no will you marry me? Getting on 2:01:26.240 --> 2:01:28.960 my knee. It was just a conversation making sure we're 2:01:28.960 --> 2:01:31.080 both on the same page. And then it happened so quickly, 2:01:31.120 --> 2:01:32.680 and then from that moment to when we were married 2:01:32.800 --> 2:01:33.560 was like three months. 2:01:33.960 --> 2:01:34.120 That. 2:01:34.280 --> 2:01:36.560 Yeah, so if you want to ask, because in fact, 2:01:36.600 --> 2:01:39.640 Steve Jobs shares this story of how when he was young, 2:01:39.640 --> 2:01:43.080 he was about twelve years old and his neighbor was 2:01:43.120 --> 2:01:45.880 the head of Hewlett Packard and one day he just asked, 2:01:45.920 --> 2:01:47.920 He said, can I come in and learn some things? 2:01:48.080 --> 2:01:50.320 Can I just come into the office? And he said 2:01:50.360 --> 2:01:52.920 it was that ability that he had to just ask, 2:01:53.360 --> 2:01:56.760 because ninety nine points seven percent of people will not ask. 2:01:57.200 --> 2:01:59.200 They will wait for someone to tap themselves on the 2:01:59.200 --> 2:02:01.720 shoulder to give them the opportunity. They will wait to 2:02:01.760 --> 2:02:04.320 get the promotion or get given the raise. It doesn't 2:02:04.320 --> 2:02:06.919 work like that. We don't live in that world, especially 2:02:06.920 --> 2:02:09.480 in the context of work, where studies have found that, 2:02:09.840 --> 2:02:14.880 especially in big organizations, managers don't remember at least sixty 2:02:14.880 --> 2:02:17.040 percent of what their teams do. They either don't know 2:02:17.160 --> 2:02:19.320 or don't remember, which means if your manager is not 2:02:19.360 --> 2:02:21.520 aware of what you're delivering, you need to ask for 2:02:21.560 --> 2:02:25.120 what you want and demonstrate it by way of tangible value. Right, 2:02:25.200 --> 2:02:28.160 here's what I'm delivering, here's what I'm asking, So we 2:02:28.200 --> 2:02:30.800 have to ask. So that was wonderful advice from my mom. 2:02:30.920 --> 2:02:33.320 I love that question. Number two, what's the worst advice 2:02:33.320 --> 2:02:34.360 you ever heard? Who received? 2:02:35.240 --> 2:02:38.120 The worst advice that I got was when I worked 2:02:38.160 --> 2:02:40.440 in banking. I had someone say to me. It was 2:02:40.520 --> 2:02:42.720 a manager at the time. He said, I think you 2:02:42.760 --> 2:02:46.400 should just go into roles where you help people. Now, 2:02:46.400 --> 2:02:49.160 the reason why I found that bad advice at the 2:02:49.160 --> 2:02:52.200 time is he was saying it because he was trying 2:02:52.240 --> 2:02:55.320 to undermine me. I was in a highly strategic role. 2:02:55.880 --> 2:03:00.200 He was basically encouraging me not to pursue that, to 2:03:00.240 --> 2:03:02.240 just go and help people. Now, if someone says that 2:03:02.240 --> 2:03:04.160 to you in a bank, it's not a good thing. 2:03:04.800 --> 2:03:08.280 The reason why that was bad advice is that sometimes 2:03:08.360 --> 2:03:10.320 we get advice. This is such a long response, sorry, 2:03:10.320 --> 2:03:13.960 but sometimes we get advice from people that they come 2:03:14.080 --> 2:03:16.520 out as if they're caring about you and they have 2:03:16.560 --> 2:03:20.960 your best interests at heart, But really it's discouragement framed 2:03:21.000 --> 2:03:23.840 as advice, as was this one. Now, little does he know, 2:03:24.000 --> 2:03:26.200 my entire career now is helping people. So I took 2:03:26.240 --> 2:03:27.640 that advice and I ran with it, and I'm so 2:03:27.720 --> 2:03:31.720 grateful for it. In that environment, that was terrible advice 2:03:31.760 --> 2:03:34.920 to give somebody. So I think it's so important when 2:03:34.920 --> 2:03:37.800 it comes to advice, acknowledge that people are only going 2:03:37.840 --> 2:03:40.120 to tell you things based on their frame of reference, 2:03:40.120 --> 2:03:42.120 so what they would do if they were you, or 2:03:42.120 --> 2:03:44.360 they might be trying to discourage you. So you can 2:03:44.360 --> 2:03:45.720 take it if you want to, You can leave it 2:03:45.720 --> 2:03:47.400 if you want to. I want to share just one 2:03:47.440 --> 2:03:50.040 other thing. It's not a question. I think we've finished 2:03:50.080 --> 2:03:52.600 the five questions right because I've gone over. I have 2:03:52.640 --> 2:03:54.760 one other thing that I want to share here, which 2:03:54.800 --> 2:03:56.520 is not related to these two, but I have to 2:03:56.520 --> 2:03:59.280 say it because it's so powerful and simple. What we 2:03:59.280 --> 2:04:01.240 found is when people go on the journey of growth, 2:04:01.360 --> 2:04:03.440 any journey of growth, like people who have gone through 2:04:03.440 --> 2:04:06.280 the Big trust framework and seen those transformative impacts in 2:04:06.320 --> 2:04:10.240 their lives. They get comments from those around them, like, 2:04:10.640 --> 2:04:13.440 what is the most common comment someone would say if 2:04:13.440 --> 2:04:16.120 someone's been on this journey of growth? There's two words, 2:04:16.640 --> 2:04:17.760 any ideas. 2:04:17.920 --> 2:04:19.440 If they've been on your journey of. 2:04:19.520 --> 2:04:21.400 Any journey of growth, not only are it can be 2:04:21.440 --> 2:04:23.520 on any journey of personal development growth. 2:04:23.640 --> 2:04:25.720 And what would they say to describe that journey? 2:04:25.760 --> 2:04:29.480 Well, what other people say to them is usually you've changed. 2:04:29.720 --> 2:04:31.960 And when they say you've changed, it's generally not coming 2:04:31.960 --> 2:04:34.200 from a positive, supportive plas. Yes, it's coming from a 2:04:34.240 --> 2:04:36.880 place of I don't like how you're outshining me right now, 2:04:37.120 --> 2:04:39.360 you're no longer in this mold that I have for you, 2:04:39.920 --> 2:04:44.640 and it's making me uncomfortable. Never allow someone else's discomfort 2:04:44.680 --> 2:04:47.400 to prevent you from going on your journey. Those who 2:04:47.440 --> 2:04:48.960 are meant to be with you on the journey will 2:04:49.000 --> 2:04:51.000 join you on the journey. And this is really hard 2:04:51.040 --> 2:04:54.840 when it's family or loved ones or close friends. The 2:04:54.880 --> 2:04:58.200 best response in that moment, rather than allowing it to 2:04:58.280 --> 2:05:00.600 undermine your sense of self trust and doubt your choices, 2:05:01.400 --> 2:05:05.920 is two words aunt. Really three words, thanks for noticing, 2:05:07.040 --> 2:05:09.800 Thanks for noticing growth has been a priority for me. 2:05:10.720 --> 2:05:13.560 That's awesome that it's working. You flip something that would 2:05:13.560 --> 2:05:16.840 otherwise be a negative into an absolute positive, which does 2:05:16.840 --> 2:05:18.640 two things. It makes you feel really good about it, 2:05:18.920 --> 2:05:22.800 but also from their perspective, it suddenly flips them to think, oh, 2:05:23.200 --> 2:05:25.320 maybe I can do that too. Growth has been a 2:05:25.320 --> 2:05:28.640 priority for her, Maybe I can make growth my priority. 2:05:28.680 --> 2:05:31.000 And it opens them up. It almost gives them permission 2:05:31.000 --> 2:05:33.240 to do the same. So when someone says you've changed, 2:05:33.720 --> 2:05:35.840 respond with thanks for noticing. 2:05:35.840 --> 2:05:38.240 I love. That's powerful, isn't it. It's such a great 2:05:38.240 --> 2:05:41.280 response because it's also showing that you see as a 2:05:41.320 --> 2:05:44.280 positive rather than most of us. I think also, when 2:05:44.600 --> 2:05:48.680 when you're in your growth journey, your initial reaction is also, 2:05:48.840 --> 2:05:50.240 what do you mean, why is there a bad thing? No, 2:05:50.280 --> 2:05:52.800 I'm the same person because you're still trying to you're 2:05:52.840 --> 2:05:55.040 still trying to grapple with it, and you're still trying 2:05:55.040 --> 2:05:56.720 to fit and grow at the same time. Whereas when 2:05:56.760 --> 2:05:58.760 you are, when you're fully grown, you won't care and 2:05:58.800 --> 2:06:01.320 you'll be like, oh, okay, cool, like thank you, you know, 2:06:01.360 --> 2:06:04.680 thanks for noticing, and so yeah, no, I love that response. 2:06:04.720 --> 2:06:08.320 It's brilliant and and you're spot on that. I think. 2:06:08.360 --> 2:06:11.680 Also half the time, there's a there's a brilliant piece 2:06:11.720 --> 2:06:16.360 of wisdom called Handlan's Razor m and it says Handlon says, 2:06:16.960 --> 2:06:21.440 don't attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by 2:06:21.520 --> 2:06:25.280 ignorance or stupidity. Beautiful And it's one of my favorite 2:06:25.320 --> 2:06:27.000 freeing I'm writing about in my book right now. It's 2:06:27.000 --> 2:06:29.600 one of my most freeing things I've come across, because 2:06:30.080 --> 2:06:33.520 our mind has this thing to turn everything everyone says 2:06:33.560 --> 2:06:36.240 to us into malice. And that person literally said it 2:06:36.240 --> 2:06:38.640 as a passing comment. They kind of thought of it 2:06:38.680 --> 2:06:42.000 for two minutes. They said something, but it wasn't that deep. 2:06:42.120 --> 2:06:44.640 They're not obsessing over it. But we take care as like, 2:06:44.720 --> 2:06:46.840 oh my god, they think I've changed, and they don't. 2:06:47.080 --> 2:06:48.520 They hate who have become. 2:06:48.480 --> 2:06:50.560 Especially if we struggle with big trust on any of 2:06:50.560 --> 2:06:51.640 these elements totally. 2:06:51.680 --> 2:06:54.600 And the truth is, it's not malice. It's just someone's ignorance. 2:06:55.240 --> 2:06:57.480 But it is someone's lack of time, it's someone's lack 2:06:57.520 --> 2:07:01.600 of capacity, it's someone's basiness, and it's you know. And 2:07:01.840 --> 2:07:04.640 it's funny because it's almost like when we say you've 2:07:04.680 --> 2:07:06.720 changed to someone, we think we have good intentions and 2:07:06.720 --> 2:07:08.800 when someone says it to us, you know, so it 2:07:08.840 --> 2:07:11.040 comes with that. So I love that, thanks for noticing, 2:07:11.080 --> 2:07:13.320 because it doesn't come from a place of revenge. It 2:07:13.360 --> 2:07:16.360 doesn't come a place from improving yourself. It doesn't come 2:07:16.560 --> 2:07:19.280 because otherwise we're like I've changed. Oh no, no, I'm 2:07:19.280 --> 2:07:20.880 still it's same. I'll prove it to you, like let's 2:07:20.960 --> 2:07:22.720 let's go back out to the party or whatever. And 2:07:22.760 --> 2:07:24.680 it's like, no, I don't want to do that anymore. 2:07:24.680 --> 2:07:28.200 And so I love thanks for noticing because it isn't revenge. 2:07:28.200 --> 2:07:31.120 It isn't proving yourself, It isn't validation, it isn't tell 2:07:31.160 --> 2:07:35.520 me how, it's not looking for praise and approval. It's brilliant. 2:07:35.640 --> 2:07:38.040 Yeah, you know. I love how you mentioned Handland's razor. 2:07:38.360 --> 2:07:41.120 Have you heard of Wisiati. Dan Karniment so. 2:07:44.600 --> 2:07:44.840 Great. 2:07:45.480 --> 2:07:48.680 So he's brilliant. His work is so phenomenal and something 2:07:48.680 --> 2:07:51.360 that fundamentally changed my life, and I think if you 2:07:51.400 --> 2:07:54.280 can also grasp this idea, it will fundamentally change your life. 2:07:54.280 --> 2:07:56.560 It's very similar to hands Handlands Razor, but just a 2:07:56.560 --> 2:08:00.880 little bit broader. Wisiati is an abbreviation for or an 2:08:00.880 --> 2:08:04.760 acronym for what you see is all there is. And 2:08:04.840 --> 2:08:07.120 what he was describing in his book Thinking Fast and 2:08:07.160 --> 2:08:09.720 Slow is that when we have an interaction with someone, 2:08:10.480 --> 2:08:13.680 we will draw conclusions about that person and that situation 2:08:13.760 --> 2:08:16.880 from that two second interaction because what we see is 2:08:16.920 --> 2:08:20.120 all there is in that environment. But actually there is 2:08:20.160 --> 2:08:23.040 so much more that led to that situation. Maybe that 2:08:23.080 --> 2:08:25.480 person was having a really bad day. Maybe that person's 2:08:25.560 --> 2:08:28.000 relationship just broke down and you're meeting them right at 2:08:28.000 --> 2:08:31.440 that point. Maybe they're in pain, and yet we have 2:08:31.520 --> 2:08:35.120 this one second, two second, one minute interaction. Our brain 2:08:35.160 --> 2:08:37.400 goes into what you see as all there is, and 2:08:37.440 --> 2:08:39.920 you forget that there's so much else, and this leads 2:08:39.960 --> 2:08:42.520 to what's called fundamental attribution error. Okay, so Jay, when 2:08:42.520 --> 2:08:44.400 you're driving on the street and someone cuts you off, 2:08:45.040 --> 2:08:47.600 do you usually have certain feelings towards that person who 2:08:47.600 --> 2:08:50.120 cut you off? Of course, right, and you make certain 2:08:50.720 --> 2:08:55.000 assumptions about their personality Oh my gosh, careless, ignorant, blah blah. 2:08:55.600 --> 2:08:58.560 That's called fundamental attribution error because if you accidentally cut 2:08:58.560 --> 2:08:59.320 someone off. 2:08:59.160 --> 2:09:03.400 Totally, Oh, I wasn't even paying friends, struggling like I'm 2:09:03.400 --> 2:09:04.000 trying to help. 2:09:04.400 --> 2:09:06.200 So that idea of someone cutting you off. What you 2:09:06.200 --> 2:09:08.200 see is all there is, that must be your reflection 2:09:08.280 --> 2:09:12.040 of their attributes and character and personality. But what Kardoman 2:09:12.120 --> 2:09:14.360 encourages us to do, which is similar to Hanlin's razor, 2:09:14.800 --> 2:09:17.160 is get a broader picture what else could have been 2:09:17.160 --> 2:09:18.960 going on for this person? And I love it when 2:09:19.000 --> 2:09:21.800 you're driving because I tend to get I don't get 2:09:21.880 --> 2:09:25.200 road rage, not at all, but I do find sometimes 2:09:25.240 --> 2:09:27.000 if there's a lot of traffic and I'm in a rush, 2:09:27.160 --> 2:09:28.680 I tend to get into the what you see is 2:09:28.680 --> 2:09:31.960 all there is, So if someone's rushing or speeding, I 2:09:32.000 --> 2:09:33.480 will go through and think, Okay, what are the three 2:09:33.480 --> 2:09:35.440 things that could be happening for this person. Maybe they're 2:09:35.480 --> 2:09:37.760 busting to use the toilet, or their wife has just 2:09:37.800 --> 2:09:41.160 gone into labor, or they've just heard that their kid's 2:09:41.160 --> 2:09:44.600 been You don't know right. And it's beautiful because it 2:09:44.720 --> 2:09:46.839 just reminds you that you're not the center of the universe. 2:09:46.920 --> 2:09:49.880 It feels like you are, but you're not. And when 2:09:49.920 --> 2:09:52.320 you realize that you're not, it gives you this sense 2:09:52.360 --> 2:09:54.800 of I find it very empowering to know that we're 2:09:54.800 --> 2:09:57.920 actually part of something much bigger than just us and 2:09:58.000 --> 2:09:58.320 I me. 2:09:58.360 --> 2:10:02.840 My absolutely, I love it. Okay, have it. Question number three, 2:10:03.600 --> 2:10:06.760 what is a line of self talk that you used 2:10:06.800 --> 2:10:08.520 most often for yourself? 2:10:08.960 --> 2:10:09.960 Care less, care more? 2:10:10.360 --> 2:10:10.560 Oh? 2:10:10.560 --> 2:10:11.560 Okay, explain? Okay. 2:10:11.640 --> 2:10:15.600 So we post content and we have since twenty twenty, 2:10:15.960 --> 2:10:18.800 basically during the pandemic we started and I still find 2:10:18.840 --> 2:10:20.440 so we do it ourselves. We don't have a team 2:10:20.440 --> 2:10:22.320 that does our posting. It's something we're happy to do 2:10:22.400 --> 2:10:25.520 because we like the process of being connected. Every time 2:10:25.520 --> 2:10:27.800 I'm about to post something, I have a voice in 2:10:27.800 --> 2:10:29.400 my head. What are people going to think? Are they 2:10:29.400 --> 2:10:31.160 going to like this? They're going to think you're silly, 2:10:31.360 --> 2:10:34.720 You're not articulate enough, You're not credible enough. I literally 2:10:34.760 --> 2:10:37.680 have to say to myself, careless, care less about what 2:10:37.720 --> 2:10:40.040 people think. And so I used to just do the 2:10:40.040 --> 2:10:42.960 careless and that was helpful. But then Faisil, my husband 2:10:43.080 --> 2:10:45.640 and business partner, he said, Okay, it's great that you've 2:10:45.680 --> 2:10:47.600 got the careless, but what are you caring more about? 2:10:47.800 --> 2:10:48.520 Ah? So good. 2:10:48.840 --> 2:10:51.000 Don't just focus on what you you know, the kind 2:10:51.000 --> 2:10:53.040 of negative. Oh I'm going to care less? What are 2:10:53.080 --> 2:10:55.560 you focusing more on? So now I say, okay, careless 2:10:55.560 --> 2:10:58.080 about what people think. Care more about being of service, 2:10:58.400 --> 2:11:01.839 being of value, being of impact, leaving a positive legacy. 2:11:01.880 --> 2:11:03.960 That's brilliant and it's beautiful, and it's something you can 2:11:04.080 --> 2:11:06.360 use in the moment when you're about to step onto stage, 2:11:06.400 --> 2:11:08.440 when you're about to approach a stranger in a bar, 2:11:08.760 --> 2:11:12.480 when you're about to have that conversation about your pay raise, 2:11:13.360 --> 2:11:15.920 care less about the outcome, care more about making this 2:11:15.920 --> 2:11:19.680 person feel seen or demonstrating my value. It's beautiful and 2:11:19.720 --> 2:11:20.240 so simple. 2:11:20.400 --> 2:11:22.240 Yeah, I love that. I also love it because it's 2:11:23.040 --> 2:11:26.120 the careless part makes sense. And also one thing I 2:11:26.160 --> 2:11:28.560 realized over time was also caring more about the people 2:11:28.560 --> 2:11:32.920 who left qualitative positive feedback. Oh yeah, and learning to 2:11:32.920 --> 2:11:35.280 actually care more because it's so easy to skip past 2:11:35.320 --> 2:11:38.560 beautiful comments where everyone's like, you are so articulate, Shahday, 2:11:39.000 --> 2:11:42.400 you are so credible, Shade, you are so non re 2:11:42.480 --> 2:11:44.960 ignore it and you kind of just go, yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever, 2:11:45.360 --> 2:11:48.600 And that care more careless works well there too. I'm 2:11:48.600 --> 2:11:50.200 not saying only to care about things when people say 2:11:50.240 --> 2:11:52.520 nice things about you. I think it's important to be 2:11:52.560 --> 2:11:56.920 able to listen to criticism and negativity and feedback, and 2:11:57.000 --> 2:11:59.680 of course but I think the idea of we don't. 2:12:00.920 --> 2:12:05.320 We don't receive praise with nearly as much depth as 2:12:05.360 --> 2:12:09.640 we receive criticism now, and that is a huge issue 2:12:09.680 --> 2:12:12.000 for us as humans, where we don't know how to 2:12:12.040 --> 2:12:13.960 receive a compliment, We don't know how to receive a 2:12:13.960 --> 2:12:16.760 pattern the back. But if someone says I'm a negative 2:12:16.760 --> 2:12:18.240 to us, we know how to receive that. We will 2:12:18.280 --> 2:12:20.040 hold on to that for the rest of our lives 2:12:20.280 --> 2:12:23.440 and carry around wherever you know. Why, yeah, God, because. 2:12:23.240 --> 2:12:26.000 Of the scars that we carry. So when someone is 2:12:26.000 --> 2:12:28.360 giving you praise, it's because your self image doesn't feel 2:12:28.360 --> 2:12:31.080 it deserves it, and so it doesn't internalize it. But 2:12:31.160 --> 2:12:35.160 when someone criticizes you, criticism only hurts if you deeply, 2:12:35.440 --> 2:12:38.840 deep down, believe that about yourself. And it all comes 2:12:38.840 --> 2:12:41.480 down to where you are on these poor pillars. So 2:12:41.640 --> 2:12:45.320 if you receive criticism and you take it personally, it's 2:12:45.320 --> 2:12:48.240 often because you have a low level of acceptance and 2:12:48.280 --> 2:12:50.600 deep down you don't feel that you're worthy. You're trying 2:12:50.640 --> 2:12:53.840 to appear a certain way or prove something, and so 2:12:53.960 --> 2:12:57.040 what that person says hurts so much because it is 2:12:57.800 --> 2:13:00.640 cutting it that deep wound that you have and so 2:13:00.720 --> 2:13:02.760 again it's this idea of yes, as you say, how 2:13:02.760 --> 2:13:04.800 do we acknowledge more of the positive things that come 2:13:04.800 --> 2:13:08.760 through and use that to reshape our identity, reshape our 2:13:08.760 --> 2:13:09.400 self image. 2:13:09.640 --> 2:13:13.800 Yeah? Absolutely, I love that that scar research you shared 2:13:13.800 --> 2:13:14.160 at the beginning. 2:13:14.240 --> 2:13:14.879 Isn't it fascinating? 2:13:15.040 --> 2:13:18.400 It's so good question of before? How do you define 2:13:18.400 --> 2:13:19.280 your current purpose? 2:13:20.240 --> 2:13:22.800 Someone once asked me what is the one word I 2:13:22.800 --> 2:13:26.080 want people to say about me at my funeral? And 2:13:26.120 --> 2:13:31.040 without thinking I said that she cared. And then I 2:13:31.080 --> 2:13:32.800 thought about it a bit more, and I probably would 2:13:32.800 --> 2:13:34.000 have had all these other things, But I think the 2:13:34.040 --> 2:13:37.200 fact that that came through so clearly for me when 2:13:37.200 --> 2:13:39.840 I didn't think about it. My purpose is to live 2:13:39.880 --> 2:13:42.480 a life where I'm caring about other people, and that 2:13:42.520 --> 2:13:44.840 looks like me being present for them, me serving them 2:13:44.880 --> 2:13:47.240 through the work that we do, helping them through our programs, 2:13:47.280 --> 2:13:50.560 through this book. It's fundamentally because I care about people 2:13:51.080 --> 2:13:54.280 overcoming what is holding them back, and I care about 2:13:54.320 --> 2:13:58.720 them living fulfilling and successful and meaningful lives, and so 2:13:58.840 --> 2:14:01.720 everything I do is aligned by that. What about you, Jay, 2:14:01.920 --> 2:14:04.600 what's that? How would you define your purpose in just 2:14:04.640 --> 2:14:05.240 a few words? 2:14:05.440 --> 2:14:07.840 The way I've chosen to describe it right now is 2:14:07.880 --> 2:14:12.040 that to make the world happier, healthier, and more healed beautiful. 2:14:12.040 --> 2:14:13.960 And the word that I've really lean to in all 2:14:14.000 --> 2:14:17.000 of those is healing. I value healing more than happiness 2:14:17.160 --> 2:14:20.960 and health I do value equally as healing. But I 2:14:21.000 --> 2:14:23.560 think even in our health, we're always healing, and so 2:14:23.640 --> 2:14:26.600 I think the challenge is, my take is everyone's hurt 2:14:26.800 --> 2:14:31.520 in some way physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and everyone's healing. 2:14:31.640 --> 2:14:33.960 And so if we can help create a more healed world, 2:14:35.200 --> 2:14:38.160 a healing world actually even more than healed, because healed 2:14:38.240 --> 2:14:41.800 means it's done, and so a healing world is a 2:14:41.840 --> 2:14:44.800 good world. And so if we can, if I can help, 2:14:44.880 --> 2:14:47.440 if I can be useful in and of service to 2:14:48.440 --> 2:14:52.600 helping people heal in whichever area they're struggling in through 2:14:52.680 --> 2:14:55.440 people like yourselves and the wonderful experts and people come 2:14:55.520 --> 2:14:58.080 and share their stories on the show, then that, to 2:14:58.120 --> 2:14:59.440 me is the world that I want to live in, 2:14:59.520 --> 2:15:02.600 is a world is healing always because we're always going 2:15:02.680 --> 2:15:05.040 to feel pain and always going to get hurt, so 2:15:05.080 --> 2:15:07.520 then there has to be an equal focus on healing. 2:15:07.760 --> 2:15:10.200 It's beautiful and I love it that it almost going 2:15:10.240 --> 2:15:12.320 back to the idea of the scar. It's like also 2:15:12.360 --> 2:15:13.560 healing the scars that we have. 2:15:13.760 --> 2:15:15.960 Yeah, it's healing, and it's that's what you're gonna have 2:15:15.960 --> 2:15:19.320 to do, because yeah, you're healing yourself image according to 2:15:20.040 --> 2:15:21.400 you know what you were saying earlier. 2:15:21.480 --> 2:15:22.480 Yeah, beautiful. 2:15:22.760 --> 2:15:24.000 Fifth and final question were. 2:15:23.880 --> 2:15:24.960 I kind of don't want you to ask it because 2:15:24.960 --> 2:15:25.720 I don't want this to end. 2:15:27.080 --> 2:15:31.120 For another three hours. This is the fifth and final question. 2:15:33.120 --> 2:15:35.880 If you could create one law, and we asked this 2:15:35.960 --> 2:15:37.680 every guest who's ever been on the show, if you 2:15:37.720 --> 2:15:40.440 could create one law that everyone in the world had 2:15:40.480 --> 2:15:41.840 to follow, what would it be? 2:15:42.840 --> 2:15:45.040 It would be to leave each person better than you 2:15:45.120 --> 2:15:47.880 found them. 2:15:48.000 --> 2:15:49.000 Yeah, it's a good law. 2:15:50.240 --> 2:15:54.360 Yeah, each place, each person, each each animal, each meeting, 2:15:54.520 --> 2:15:57.240 each em each Yeah, it would be so much better. 2:15:57.320 --> 2:15:59.560 Yeah, I love that. That's beautiful. We've never had down 2:15:59.600 --> 2:16:03.040 the show. Shutz, thank you so much. Today. The book 2:16:03.160 --> 2:16:06.040 is called Big Trust, rewire self doubt, Find your confidence 2:16:06.080 --> 2:16:09.720 and Fuel success. Pre audio copy right now. Follow Shade 2:16:09.840 --> 2:16:13.000 on Instagram, TikTok, across all of social media. If you 2:16:13.040 --> 2:16:16.320 don't already, you're gonna absolutely love her content. She's as 2:16:16.440 --> 2:16:19.720 articulate online and offline. I can't wait for you to 2:16:19.720 --> 2:16:21.600 read this book. I can't wait for you to practice 2:16:21.600 --> 2:16:25.200 these principles. It truly is a masterclass. And shut in. 2:16:25.280 --> 2:16:27.160 I'm so grateful to you, so thankful that we've got 2:16:27.200 --> 2:16:28.160 to spend this time together. 2:16:28.320 --> 2:16:28.560 Thank you. 2:16:29.080 --> 2:16:30.640 I hope this is the first of many times you'll 2:16:30.680 --> 2:16:31.200 come on the show. 2:16:31.320 --> 2:16:32.920 I hope so, I hope, so thank you. It's been 2:16:32.959 --> 2:16:33.560 such a treat. 2:16:33.720 --> 2:16:36.360 Thank you. If you love this episode, you love my 2:16:36.480 --> 2:16:41.720 conversation with doctor Joe Dispenser on why stressing overthinking negatively 2:16:41.760 --> 2:16:44.600 impacts your brain and heart and how to change your 2:16:44.640 --> 2:16:48.320 habits that are on autopilot. Listen to it right now. 2:16:48.520 --> 2:16:51.840 How many times do we have to forget until we 2:16:51.920 --> 2:16:54.959 stop forgetting and start remembering. That's the moment of change. 2:16:55.080 --> 2:16:57.480 Who cares how many times you fell off the bicycle? 2:16:57.520 --> 2:16:59.680 If you ride the bicycle, Now you ride the bike.