Speaker 1: Today's quote is from Jennifer Armbreast, who created Feminist Business School.
Speaker 1: In these turbulent times, we need each other. I love
Speaker 1: these words from Elizabeth Warren after she was silenced by
Speaker 1: the Senate last year, but nevertheless persisted. She asserted, quote,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be hard. We don't have the tools.
Speaker 1: There's gonna be a lot that we will lose. But
Speaker 1: I guarantee the one thing we will not lose, we
Speaker 1: will not lose our voices. End quote. She's talking about
Speaker 1: legal and legislative tools, of course, but I feel a
Speaker 1: deeper meaning tools. Power is about tools. Women, people of color,
Speaker 1: and the poor have historically been denied access in information
Speaker 1: about the tools of money, the tools of business, the
Speaker 1: tools of political power, and we have been alienated from
Speaker 1: our most powerful tool, our voice. Our voice is a
Speaker 1: reflection of our life experience, where we've been, and who
Speaker 1: we've listened to. But we can also own it and
Speaker 1: even change it if we want. This is the podcast
Speaker 1: that's all about the voice, but it's also all about power,
Speaker 1: Who has it, how we get it, and how we
Speaker 1: sound when we have it. I'm Samrve. I'm a dialect
Speaker 1: coach for actors in Hollywood on projects like the upcoming
Speaker 1: Wonder Woman's sequel, and I'm also a speech coach for entrepreneurs, politicians, creatives,
Speaker 1: and women everywhere who need to use their voice to
Speaker 1: get what they want. Welcome to permission to speak. Let's
Speaker 1: do this. Today's guest is Chanta Valdez. She is a
Speaker 1: meditation facilitator here in Los Angeles who helps people privately
Speaker 1: as well as at the Jain Club, which is a
Speaker 1: coworking space in Hollywood where I met her. Her instagram
Speaker 1: is at sit with Shaunta, and her writing and mindfulness
Speaker 1: prompts are absolutely beautiful. I wanted to have her on
Speaker 1: because I knew that she'd be able to speak to
Speaker 1: the inner work of using our voice to get what
Speaker 1: we want, How we talk to ourselves, how we trust
Speaker 1: our voice and set our boundaries, how we build a
Speaker 1: life where the voice we use to talk to ourselves
Speaker 1: and the voice we use out loud are actually the
Speaker 1: same voice. She talks about how our own voice dramatically
Speaker 1: changed at a certain moment in her life, how she's
Speaker 1: confronted racism and spoken out using mindfulness tools, and she
Speaker 1: even leads us in an awesome meditation specifically for us.
Speaker 1: This is Shanta. I don't know if you'd call yourself this,
Speaker 1: but I call you my meditation guru. Um. You do
Speaker 1: it daily. Sit and the coworking space that I've been
Speaker 1: a member of for a long time called the Jane Club,
Speaker 1: much to my joy, and I want to ask you
Speaker 1: a few questions about meditation, about mindfulness, about the voice
Speaker 1: and their connection, But it seems most obvious to just
Speaker 1: start out with, like who finds meditation? I personally got
Speaker 1: into meditation, I like to say to people, to save
Speaker 1: my life. I was suffering from not only chronic depression,
Speaker 1: self harming, negative self talk, bullying, abuse of conversations that
Speaker 1: I hadn't really abusive relationship with myself. Um. And that
Speaker 1: comes from we're starting off really heavy. That comes from
Speaker 1: really childhood trauma. Um. The way that I found to
Speaker 1: relieve that was to turn it in, you know, turn
Speaker 1: it towards myself, which is very common. And partly what
Speaker 1: you're talking about is about the voices in our head.
Speaker 1: Absolutely another way of talking about voice. Absolutely, um, and
Speaker 1: my constant companion that you know that, but like you said,
Speaker 1: that inner voice was always telling me the phrase I
Speaker 1: always use, I'm a garbage person. I'm a garbage person.
Speaker 1: And that's a really tough way to go through life,
Speaker 1: isn't it terrible? And that's how I actually felt. That
Speaker 1: wasn't you know in anybody to seek attention from others
Speaker 1: or to get sympathy. That was my inner dialogue. I
Speaker 1: knew that I was fundamentally flawed and wrong and bad.
Speaker 1: I remember hearing a podcast with Alison Janny where she
Speaker 1: said she was asked how she played such an awful,
Speaker 1: awful mother in Titania, and she thought, is there anyone
Speaker 1: in my life who is as cruel as that? And
Speaker 1: then she thought, ah, it's how I talked to myself.
Speaker 1: Here we go. And that's one of the things that
Speaker 1: I think sometimes keeps people from meditation at first, because
Speaker 1: the moment that you get really quiet, sit with yourself
Speaker 1: turned towards yourself, you kind of have to sit through
Speaker 1: a barrage of that until it sort of settles and
Speaker 1: then you can really get into like what is going on,
Speaker 1: what's in there? But you've got to sit and withstand
Speaker 1: the uncomfortability, as I call the activation of the body
Speaker 1: that tells you to get up and flee and open
Speaker 1: your eyes or run away or do all of the
Speaker 1: things we can do to distract ourselves. So because I
Speaker 1: was no longer clearly at some point I was no
Speaker 1: longer interested in having that kind of relationship with myself.
Speaker 1: I needed it to change. Our life was going to
Speaker 1: feel way too long and not worth it. My uncomfortability
Speaker 1: and my desperate ration is always a wonderful teacher. It
Speaker 1: leads me to beautiful things because evengel I just go,
Speaker 1: I will try anything, anything at all. I also now know,
Speaker 1: just being able to look back with that wonderful hindsight,
Speaker 1: this was always inside of me. The path that I'm
Speaker 1: walking today, The meditation was always there. I had always
Speaker 1: been attracted to it. I'd always been drawn to it.
Speaker 1: I've read about it, I looked at people who did
Speaker 1: and always thought, well, maybe some day. And I've learned
Speaker 1: that those little things, I call them slightly not obsessions,
Speaker 1: but those things that keep coming back to over and
Speaker 1: over and over and over for me, that's my life
Speaker 1: telling me over here, that thing that I that little
Speaker 1: colonel that lives inside of you. So you're always thinking
Speaker 1: about Paris, and you watch movies about Paris, and I
Speaker 1: would think, when maybe you need to go with yourself
Speaker 1: on over to Paris, who knows. But I've come to
Speaker 1: sort of use that as a little bit of um,
Speaker 1: a little homing device to tell me which way to go.
Speaker 1: And now that I live in this space and inhabit it,
Speaker 1: I'd like to say most of the time, Yeah, this
Speaker 1: was always the person I always was on the inside.
Speaker 1: This person just was not safe to come out. I'm
Speaker 1: telling me about that living there most of the time.
Speaker 1: My real question is how does meditation affect the rest
Speaker 1: of your life? Yeah, it's made me the kind of person. Well,
Speaker 1: let me tell you who I used to be, because
Speaker 1: I think hopefully you will say, gosh, I find that
Speaker 1: hard to believe. So again, that narcissist that I mentioned,
Speaker 1: I know that it's there. I just don't have to
Speaker 1: listen to it. But I only thought about myself all
Speaker 1: the time. I never showed up for other people. I
Speaker 1: was the kind of friend where because again I had
Speaker 1: sort of that trauma and that fear, and I was hiding,
Speaker 1: hiding my voice, hiding myself. I became very adept and
Speaker 1: asking you all about you and connecting in that way,
Speaker 1: and I would never tell you anything about me. I
Speaker 1: was so skillful. I could be with you for days
Speaker 1: on end on vacation and only dip into your life
Speaker 1: using some of the skills. And but they're not actually skills,
Speaker 1: they're just really who I am, the way that I
Speaker 1: can hopefully connect with people who come to sit with
Speaker 1: me and who sit with me. And meditation, I actually
Speaker 1: like to connect with you. And I never did that before.
Speaker 1: I allowed you to think that you were connecting with me,
Speaker 1: a false version, completely false, and I lied. I took
Speaker 1: things that didn't belong to me, I eat other people's food.
Speaker 1: I just did everything on the opposite. And through meditation
Speaker 1: I was able to not only look at myself accurately,
Speaker 1: but for me, the real key is looking at yourself
Speaker 1: with kindness and curiosity. So now I have the benefit
Speaker 1: of when I feel, let's say I see somebody who
Speaker 1: has something that I want, uh power, prestige, partners, easy
Speaker 1: things to want, material goods. Sometimes I feel like a
Speaker 1: little like zoop like I call it an activation, like
Speaker 1: a little poke inside of me. Something happens and I go, oh,
Speaker 1: I really want that. Normally I would judge myself for them,
Speaker 1: like what's wrong with you? Immediately I would go into
Speaker 1: why do you have to covet? Shame? On you. You
Speaker 1: shouldn't be like that. Then my you know, puritanical upbringing
Speaker 1: comes in and I shame myself into going silent and
Speaker 1: attacking myself. Now, thankfully I can look at that and go,
Speaker 1: of course you do your human being. Of course you're
Speaker 1: going to have wants and desires. And then usually if
Speaker 1: I can do that, it just goes away rightly immediately.
Speaker 1: Then it just becomes a thing that I see that
Speaker 1: someone has and think I've been able to cultivate a
Speaker 1: relationship with myself and others where I'm happy for things
Speaker 1: that happened to you and has nothing to do with me.
Speaker 1: And it also it sounds like another way of talking
Speaker 1: about giving ourselves permission. Absolutely, I have permission to be
Speaker 1: a human being, which I never gave myself before. I
Speaker 1: needed to be perfect. Perfectionism will kill you. Because of meditation,
Speaker 1: the outside and the inside match. I feel fully integrated,
Speaker 1: which is a gift. I didn't even know that that
Speaker 1: was a thing to want. So how do you help
Speaker 1: other people do that? To be honest, what I've noticed
Speaker 1: is the very thing that you're talking to, your permission
Speaker 1: to speak. I feel like that's actually what I allow people,
Speaker 1: what makes me laugh on. The reason I often I
Speaker 1: haven't done anything it's really you is because what I'm
Speaker 1: really doing is holding a container. And I don't say
Speaker 1: I keep a safe space because I don't know what
Speaker 1: can be triggering or activating to other people. So I
Speaker 1: try to keep it safer as safe as possible. But
Speaker 1: what I do is I allow you permission to be
Speaker 1: with yourself and to say what is true. So when
Speaker 1: I encounter the group that I sit with on a
Speaker 1: daily basis at eleven thirty, part of my technique is
Speaker 1: checking in with the people in the room. For some people,
Speaker 1: that is the only moment that they have in the
Speaker 1: day to say what is actually happening. You don't have
Speaker 1: to worry about being judged. As I say to people,
Speaker 1: that is not my style. I'm not in the position
Speaker 1: to judge you or your experience, your life. Your choice
Speaker 1: is nothing. But what I can do is do what
Speaker 1: they call active listening. So look at you, listen, allow
Speaker 1: for silence. Every moment does not have to be taken
Speaker 1: up by talking and fill particularly if someone begins to
Speaker 1: show signs of tearing up, their voice catches and there
Speaker 1: is real emotion coming up. My instinct is always just
Speaker 1: it used to be like to come towards them, hug them,
Speaker 1: fell in that space. It's okay, it's okay. I have
Speaker 1: learned to just sit still. It's tough to say in
Speaker 1: the podcast, hold you with my gaze and what I
Speaker 1: hope is a gentle way and allow you to say
Speaker 1: what is true. That aside, how do you think about
Speaker 1: your voice when you're actually doing a guided meditation? That's
Speaker 1: a great question. Um. One of the things I try
Speaker 1: to be most mindful of is not doing a meditation voice.
Speaker 1: I think it is off putting because when I encounter it,
Speaker 1: it sounds I don't want to say hypnotic, as if
Speaker 1: hypnotic or hypnotism is bad, it certainly isn't. But that's
Speaker 1: not what I'm looking for. I think I'm looking for
Speaker 1: a voice that is guiding me. But somehow that intrudes.
Speaker 1: I don't know how else to explain, but that sort
Speaker 1: of put on voice. I don't like to feel like
Speaker 1: I'm ever being sold into something, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not being sold to me a little like
Speaker 1: patronizing and maybe it's yeah, I feel like it's like
Speaker 1: it's also a yogic voice. It like for the very
Speaker 1: boogie version of yoga of like now what we're gonna do?
Speaker 1: It makes me feel embarrassed. It's interesting because like the
Speaker 1: actual quality of of you know, like resonance of that
Speaker 1: is probably relatively similar to what you you're doing, but
Speaker 1: it feels like it doesn't come from as authentic a place.
Speaker 1: And naturally do you have sort of a quieter, softer,
Speaker 1: deeper voice. Is this what you sounded like in the
Speaker 1: in Shanta one point? Now the version? No, here's something
Speaker 1: very interesting. God, I don't know that I've ever said
Speaker 1: this to people in my therapy that I have gone
Speaker 1: to for many, many, many many many years. Love it.
Speaker 1: So I was going to ask you how you found,
Speaker 1: like what your aha moment was, but I was eagining
Speaker 1: that it was probably it's a therapy as a particular
Speaker 1: constomatic experiencing which again you know, connecting and with the
Speaker 1: body and what's coming up. When I started, after about
Speaker 1: maybe eight or nine months, I really had like a breakthrough.
Speaker 1: My teacher my call him Mike because he is a
Speaker 1: teacher as well in meditations, I call him my teacher
Speaker 1: about my therapist said, have you noticed that your voice
Speaker 1: has dropped in octave? What my voice used to be
Speaker 1: very tight, very tight all the time. And I talked
Speaker 1: in a register up here all the time because my
Speaker 1: voice was really tight, because I was living, not speaking.
Speaker 1: I was never telling the truth ever, I was always hiding.
Speaker 1: So when I see people, and I see women in particular,
Speaker 1: testifying in all the ways that what you're called to
Speaker 1: do to stand up and take care of ourselves, or
Speaker 1: in public or in conversation, and they are tight, I'm fine.
Speaker 1: I mean, we know it in our regular life. We
Speaker 1: hear friends, how are you doing, Oh, I'm fine. To
Speaker 1: tell something's wrong, we go up. I mean, you certainly
Speaker 1: speak to that. It feels to me like it's the
Speaker 1: service industry voice of like I'm just here to make
Speaker 1: sure that everybody else is doing just fine. It's that
Speaker 1: tightening and that minimizing and that making me small. And
Speaker 1: I used to live there with that, you know, ready smile,
Speaker 1: that eager and obsequious manner that I went through the world.
Speaker 1: And once I started doing this work, when I had
Speaker 1: a breakthrough, my voice dropped. It got much softer, and
Speaker 1: you didn't notice, and I didn't notice that. He told me,
Speaker 1: and then I thought about it, and it could not
Speaker 1: have been more clear. So the way that I talked
Speaker 1: now like this, this is my everyday voice. So when
Speaker 1: I'm in meditation now that actually I've never thought about it.
Speaker 1: I think the voice that I am putting out is
Speaker 1: the voice that I hear in my own head. This
Speaker 1: is the voice with which I talked to myself. That's
Speaker 1: what you're hearing. Oh, I never thought about that. That's
Speaker 1: now my inner voice. So I want to talk about breath.
Speaker 1: But actually first I want to circle back on something
Speaker 1: you just said and actually something that we both just
Speaker 1: laughed about, which is that higher pitched voice we hear
Speaker 1: all over but for the people listening who maybe see
Speaker 1: a little bit of themselves in that and also maybe
Speaker 1: associated with I mean, I called it the service industry voice.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of socialized reasons why we have that,
Speaker 1: maybe even unrelated to our upbringing or anything, you know,
Speaker 1: terrible that happened to us, but that we've nonetheless taken
Speaker 1: on as signs that this is how women should sound,
Speaker 1: girls slash women, young women whatever, like you know. Sort
Speaker 1: of that era is where we're still really trying to
Speaker 1: figuret what the rules are so that we can win
Speaker 1: at the game that someone else has set out for
Speaker 1: us so with a massive amount of grace towards that
Speaker 1: sort of pretzel that people put themselves in. And by people,
Speaker 1: I really do mean people who feel marginalized, which you know,
Speaker 1: unfortunately women sometimes do even though they're the majority. But
Speaker 1: you know, obviously taking class and race and gender and
Speaker 1: you know, status within a certain social context into account,
Speaker 1: how do we all find a version of our voice
Speaker 1: that feels more like it's real. I hate to say it,
Speaker 1: but it's true. It just this work takes work at
Speaker 1: some point, even though I wish there was a way
Speaker 1: around it. You're gonna have to at least sit with
Speaker 1: what is happening. If you are resonating with what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: if you see yourself in other places and you know
Speaker 1: that there is something inside that you can't look at,
Speaker 1: that you cannot name, that you can't sit with it,
Speaker 1: you can't admit that, you can't confess that at least
Speaker 1: has to begin the work, like you have to at
Speaker 1: least start there, separate from anything else. I think there
Speaker 1: has to become a moment where you want to be
Speaker 1: in a just relationship with yourself, a just relationship with yourself.
Speaker 1: We talk about that with others. How can I make
Speaker 1: this person, give them the access, make them feel welcome.
Speaker 1: What about you? This is so interesting because I feel
Speaker 1: like we were talking a little bit ahead of you
Speaker 1: being here about this term self help and how it
Speaker 1: feels a little like it's been uh sullied and a
Speaker 1: little bit like it's the it's the word version of
Speaker 1: the Bougi yoga voice. Um, what do you think? I
Speaker 1: do not sit passively over and over and over and
Speaker 1: over and over and have no movement. I sit so
Speaker 1: I can see clearly, so I can get my ass
Speaker 1: up off that cushion and get out there and take
Speaker 1: care of the things that need to be taken care of,
Speaker 1: the people, places, the movements. That means something to me.
Speaker 1: This gives me the resiliency to get out there and
Speaker 1: shout and march and protest, take care of myself, take
Speaker 1: care of my family, meet my friends, have jen martinis,
Speaker 1: all of the things that that make up a life.
Speaker 1: That's the way in and that's self help. Like practically speaking,
Speaker 1: I love it. We'll take a quick break, so we're
Speaker 1: back with Shanta and I have a few more questions,
Speaker 1: and then Shanta's going to lead us in a meditation
Speaker 1: So I have a last question before we sit. What
Speaker 1: about the people in our lives who don't fit into
Speaker 1: that category, those who I call living unwisely wisely? How
Speaker 1: very kind? I love? That actually makes me think of
Speaker 1: your your compassion Buddhist comment. Will you share that with us? Oh? Yes,
Speaker 1: I love this quote. It to say that the Buddha
Speaker 1: said that you could search the entire world all four corners,
Speaker 1: and you will never find another being more worthy of
Speaker 1: compassion than yourself. The first time I heard that, I
Speaker 1: was so offended and herd I wanted to cry. I
Speaker 1: couldn't even think about that. Other people are definitely suffering
Speaker 1: more than I am. It's not a competition. If it
Speaker 1: matters to you, it matters, right. So with that in mind,
Speaker 1: when there are shitty people in our lives who are
Speaker 1: on their own quote unquote journey, but nonetheless seemed to
Speaker 1: be intersecting with our journey, what's your suggestion how to
Speaker 1: sort of shut out ikey energy? Yeah? Um one, I
Speaker 1: would say, congratulations on recognizing what people in your life
Speaker 1: feel a little I call crunchier, which people feel smooth
Speaker 1: like peanut butter. Who's crunchy and who's smooth? If you
Speaker 1: walk in thro him, and I get a vibe from you.
Speaker 1: I listened to that. I don't shun you, but I
Speaker 1: do not put myself in a position to be hurt
Speaker 1: by you. That way, we can peacefully coexist. People go,
Speaker 1: you are such a nice person. People, how do you
Speaker 1: get along with her? Because all I do is say
Speaker 1: hello and goodbye and say how are you? I listen,
Speaker 1: I say thank you very much, and I go, I
Speaker 1: don't do that. People pleasing, Let's get together and have lunch.
Speaker 1: I don't care if you are a powerful person who
Speaker 1: could give me all my dreams come true. It's really
Speaker 1: nice to see you. Goodnight. We stay in just relationship
Speaker 1: with one another. It's very easy. I can just tell
Speaker 1: who are my people and who aren't, and I just
Speaker 1: listened to that. It's challenging, especially when it's family members.
Speaker 1: That's when I detached with love. As my Guru said
Speaker 1: to me early an hour, practice together forever in my heart,
Speaker 1: never in my home. WHOA that gave me such a
Speaker 1: beautiful perspective. I can forgive you. I can go through
Speaker 1: without her, whatever it is. Internally. I don't shun people
Speaker 1: in that way, but I will not bring you close
Speaker 1: to me. That's just taking care of myself and leaving
Speaker 1: myself free to take care of others. How do you
Speaker 1: think about breath as it relates to all this. First
Speaker 1: of all, let me say I never realized how much
Speaker 1: I held my breath such an automatic experience. Something displeases
Speaker 1: me or I'm frightened, it's so prevalent. Didn't know that
Speaker 1: happened until I started meditating, when I had to just
Speaker 1: watch this breath. This breath, you know, it's so repetitive,
Speaker 1: much like that's like boring, and it's revolutionary supposed to
Speaker 1: be boring. That's the whole challenge. What happens to your
Speaker 1: mind as soon as you are bored. What I noticed
Speaker 1: is and again I've been a meditator for about thirteen years.
Speaker 1: Let me just put some context around that. But just
Speaker 1: this spurs I don't know about that. It's like a baby,
Speaker 1: little baby in meditation. But over the past year, I
Speaker 1: have found myself feeling my boundary getting crossed, Like even
Speaker 1: as I can think about it, but you can hear
Speaker 1: like my I get a little shaky just even recalling it.
Speaker 1: That's how powerful this mind is. It's such a fascinating
Speaker 1: to watch. So I'll take a breath, calm down. So
Speaker 1: as soon as I feel my boundary being crossed and
Speaker 1: I get that activation in my body, my previous response
Speaker 1: was just to say nothing, get quiet, shut down, become invisible,
Speaker 1: get small, whatever it was, Get away from this experience,
Speaker 1: get away from this person, and not use your voice.
Speaker 1: Say nothing. Of course, there is safety and being sounds
Speaker 1: when it's going to save your life, of course, so
Speaker 1: I don't want to give anyone the impression any kind
Speaker 1: of shame. You can now pick up like, well, I
Speaker 1: didn't say anything about people get paralyzed. It happens when
Speaker 1: you're able to first notice that that's happening. Is powerful. Again,
Speaker 1: Remember my old belief was I'm a garbage person, so
Speaker 1: anything I feel is wrong. I now recognize. Is that
Speaker 1: feeling inside of me as energy organizing for me to
Speaker 1: give a response if I need to, of course, get
Speaker 1: my body to be safe physically, get to that. But
Speaker 1: more often than not, I'm just standing across from another
Speaker 1: human having any experience that I have decided has gone sideways.
Speaker 1: And I love this term organized right because that idea
Speaker 1: of sort of our body being disorganized, thrown out of whack, right,
Speaker 1: our thoughts, our body, our breath, our voice not being
Speaker 1: in alignment. And then you're sort of suggesting that in
Speaker 1: the moment, we actually can do something about that. I
Speaker 1: think you build up to, but I think again, I
Speaker 1: took that messaging and the way that it would feel.
Speaker 1: It was so uncomfortable and ikey that I was like,
Speaker 1: I have to get away from here. Now I recognize
Speaker 1: that as Hello, something has happened that you don't like.
Speaker 1: What's happened? Do you know it? This energy is telling
Speaker 1: me to do something, stand up for myself, say the
Speaker 1: boundary has been crossed. Something is supposed to happen other
Speaker 1: than silence, which is the only way I ever responded to.
Speaker 1: Anything that's slight would displeased me or frightened me. Now,
Speaker 1: so if I'm in a moment and it happens every day,
Speaker 1: I would have to say, because I moved through the
Speaker 1: world as an Afro Cuban woman, I'm a black woman
Speaker 1: moving through the world, I am confronted frequently with people
Speaker 1: trying to disrespect me, to make me invisible, and to
Speaker 1: keep me quiet. My job is to disrupt. My job
Speaker 1: is to disrupt the machine. That's a given. I've also
Speaker 1: come into that experience but what's happened is so I'll
Speaker 1: have this moment. For instance, let's say, oh perfect, I
Speaker 1: was on a meditation retreat. As we were sort of
Speaker 1: checking in before we went into noble silence, a lovely
Speaker 1: woman noble silence, it's called it's called noble silence. There's
Speaker 1: no talking and no looking other people directly in the eye,
Speaker 1: sort of keeping your eyes down because when you do,
Speaker 1: even in silence, you're sort of engaging, and that can
Speaker 1: take someone out of their experience communication. I am there
Speaker 1: to have an experience with myself. So right before we
Speaker 1: go into noble silence, a lovely, lovely woman wide identified
Speaker 1: woman said to me, you know, I've got two Chinese
Speaker 1: daughters or getting to know each other, and you know,
Speaker 1: I keep telling them, you know I don't see colors.
Speaker 1: I want you to know I don't see color. And
Speaker 1: my head internally exploded into a million pieces. The reaction
Speaker 1: was still. It felt violating, It felt embarrassing, and felt hurtful.
Speaker 1: It felt dismissive. Now I had a choice. Am I
Speaker 1: going to react to that feeling? Curse her out, grab
Speaker 1: my stuff, and get the hell out of this meditation
Speaker 1: retreat because now she's ruined it by being racist? Or
Speaker 1: am I going to respond? React versus respond? Where are
Speaker 1: we going? I choose to respond, So the first thing
Speaker 1: I did was recognize what was happening in my body.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I've gone insane crazy. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean to any people of color, any of the
Speaker 1: marginalized humans listening to this, you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: As soon as someone does that, your whole body just explodes.
Speaker 1: It makes me go crazy for about five seconds. Then
Speaker 1: I remembered, all right, this is how I feel when
Speaker 1: these kinds of bad and drees, these racial moments they make.
Speaker 1: Those are like I get inflamed. So I allowed just
Speaker 1: like a beat, and then I remembered, and I looked
Speaker 1: at who I was in conversation with. Is this really
Speaker 1: a messed up racist woman completely ignorant, or is this
Speaker 1: a potential ally or someone who sees herself as an
Speaker 1: ally who doesn't have the language to say what she
Speaker 1: needs to say. Again, as I said earlier, this work
Speaker 1: takes work. So when you were sitting and I said,
Speaker 1: before you say, you've got to find out what's going
Speaker 1: on with you, I knew from experience that this woman
Speaker 1: was not a dangerous human. She just didn't know what
Speaker 1: to say, right. So I've also done work outside around
Speaker 1: racial awareness, so I have some tools. Again, once you
Speaker 1: identify what your work is, it goes in all the places.
Speaker 1: So I turned to her very kindly, and I explained
Speaker 1: to her that that's very hurtful in the same voice
Speaker 1: that I'm saying right now, because as a person of color,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be erased. I want you to
Speaker 1: see my color. I just want to be treated with
Speaker 1: the same dignity and respect that you treat anyone else.
Speaker 1: She looked at me sort of not shocked, but it
Speaker 1: was a beat. And again I let the silence be
Speaker 1: there for about five or six seconds, which was very challenging.
Speaker 1: Now Here is that moment permission to speak. I gave
Speaker 1: myself permission to stand up for myself, to honor what
Speaker 1: was happening in my body, and then I gave myself
Speaker 1: permission to say the words that I wasn't able to
Speaker 1: say when I was a kid, that I wasn't able
Speaker 1: to say in my twenties or my thirties. It's now
Speaker 1: that I'm in my forties that my voice has finally
Speaker 1: come up from the valley from my fingertips, all that
Speaker 1: anxiety and just and it came out again just the
Speaker 1: way I'm saying it now. She looked at me and
Speaker 1: she said, I had no idea I had. I've never
Speaker 1: heard that before. I am so sorry, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to apologize to my daughters because I've said that so
Speaker 1: many times to them and I didn't know I was
Speaker 1: doing harm. I said her, there's I thank you for
Speaker 1: the apology. It was clear it was not meant to
Speaker 1: hurt me, and I could see that there was shame
Speaker 1: inside of her about thinking she had heard her daughters
Speaker 1: and explained her they may not even know, but just
Speaker 1: saying that to them, we'll heal it. Let them lead you. Now,
Speaker 1: you know not to do that. We had a beautiful
Speaker 1: experience over the next week that we weren't talking. The
Speaker 1: energy was so warm because I gave myself the moment,
Speaker 1: the pause, and the permission to say what was true.
Speaker 1: How often have we all avoided conversations that are difficult
Speaker 1: for fear of hurting someone else, for fear all of
Speaker 1: the things. Again, take care of yourself first. I took
Speaker 1: care of me. I calmed myself and I told myself,
Speaker 1: it's okay. You can say what you need to say.
Speaker 1: Let the chips fall where they may, but you're going
Speaker 1: to say what has to be said. And look what happened.
Speaker 1: We exchange phone numbers before I left. I'm gonna see
Speaker 1: their to other next year on retreat. It's gonna be great.
Speaker 1: It makes me think of something that you wrote once,
Speaker 1: because I think part of Sit with Shaunta is going
Speaker 1: to be Instagram and sort of content that you've created.
Speaker 1: And you wrote this, I want to read it. You wrote,
Speaker 1: I believe in letting the light shine where it is darkest,
Speaker 1: illuminating all my broken parts. That's what has freed me,
Speaker 1: healed me, and made me stronger. As Leonard Cohen so
Speaker 1: brilliantly wrote, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack,
Speaker 1: a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
Speaker 1: You're making me crying upon I'm not crying on my
Speaker 1: own words. That's not what it is. I'm not that narcissistic,
Speaker 1: but it's that Leonard Cohen quote. I feel like my twenties,
Speaker 1: when I really didn't have anything going right career wise
Speaker 1: and was really struggling with being taken seriously as I
Speaker 1: was trying to be an actress, which is not a
Speaker 1: career where people take you seriously, has had such a
Speaker 1: massive impact on the people who come into my space.
Speaker 1: Now your actors love you, and not just the actors,
Speaker 1: you know, this ends up being really for everybody, that
Speaker 1: sense of I'm trying to be taken seriously in a
Speaker 1: world that has predetermined or that you know, makes decisis
Speaker 1: based on how we look or you know whatever, all
Speaker 1: of the things and the whole like sort of revolution
Speaker 1: of trying to take up more space, maybe not even
Speaker 1: just trying, but like succeeding at taking up more space,
Speaker 1: all of us together, all of us who are not
Speaker 1: you know, the straight white men of the world who
Speaker 1: have been handed maybe a little bit more power, a
Speaker 1: little bit more easily, you know. Is something that uh,
Speaker 1: I feel so deeply connected to because it really lived,
Speaker 1: you know, the hard version of that. To come out
Speaker 1: the other side and to use my cracks for good.
Speaker 1: It's amazing, isn't it. Okay? So I have asked Shanta
Speaker 1: if she doesn't mind, and she has told me that
Speaker 1: she doesn't to actually lead us in a five minute meditation.
Speaker 1: So if you're driving, stop listening now or pull over,
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm sure this is a bit more
Speaker 1: of a condensed version. I know that in the context
Speaker 1: of the coworking space where you lead these you've been
Speaker 1: like shocking us with how long we actually can and
Speaker 1: want to sit. I would yes encourage you if it
Speaker 1: feels comfortable to close your eyes, be someplace that you, you
Speaker 1: you know, maybe can rest safely with your eyes closed,
Speaker 1: in your car, in your bedroom, someplace like that. I'll
Speaker 1: first ask you to adopt a posture that speaks to
Speaker 1: the work that we're about to do, a little bit
Speaker 1: of wakefulness, you know, But if you need to lay down,
Speaker 1: that's just fine too, and all ask you to come
Speaker 1: to stillness and just notice breathing, just for the moment,
Speaker 1: turn towards your own experience, your own body, and if
Speaker 1: it helps you, maybe even say this body, maybe let
Speaker 1: go of my because what we're trying to do is
Speaker 1: just notice what is happening, without judging it, without classifying it,
Speaker 1: without having any kind of reaction. We just want to notice.
Speaker 1: So right now, as we come again to further stillness,
Speaker 1: we're just noticing the breath. And I love to use
Speaker 1: mantras to keep us present in the here and in
Speaker 1: the now, because the brain is always busy trying to
Speaker 1: take us somewhere else. So I'll invite you to pick
Speaker 1: up these mantras and just say, as you breathe in
Speaker 1: and out, very simply, I am breathing in and I
Speaker 1: am breathing out. I like to sometimes say I'm watching
Speaker 1: my breath rise, and I am watching my breath fall.
Speaker 1: Find the joy and the repetition of breathing in and
Speaker 1: breathing out, watching the breath rise and fall. Now as
Speaker 1: you do, perhaps you'll even notice the gentle rush of
Speaker 1: air over your toplet may be coming out of your nostrils.
Speaker 1: Maybe your chest is softly rising and falling. Maybe your
Speaker 1: upper back is now beginning to unwind, and there's some
Speaker 1: stillness coming into the body. Again, my breath is rising
Speaker 1: and my breath is falling. I am breathing in and
Speaker 1: I am breathing out. And as you begin to watch
Speaker 1: your breath, bring it to your awareness. Also, what is
Speaker 1: the state of your body right now? So as you
Speaker 1: are breathing, is it possible that the breaths are tight
Speaker 1: and shallow, owing some type of anxiety or tightness that
Speaker 1: you're experiencing, Or maybe you already have gotten the message
Speaker 1: your brain has gotten the message to allow the body
Speaker 1: to relax, and deeper breaths are not coming on board.
Speaker 1: Maybe even your belly is rising and falling in. Your
Speaker 1: lower back is now beginning to unwind and relax. And
Speaker 1: this very focused breath that we are cultivating, let's take
Speaker 1: it and let's just position it on our forehead. So
Speaker 1: as you breathe in and out again, you are a
Speaker 1: kind observer of what is taking place. You're not judging it,
Speaker 1: you're not wishing it was different, and you are certainly
Speaker 1: not manipulating the breath. You're letting it happen as it
Speaker 1: does all day every day. Do what it does. Breathe
Speaker 1: in and breathe out. We are just watching it happened.
Speaker 1: Breath is rising and breath is falling, and we are
Speaker 1: just taking it and placing it on the forehead. So
Speaker 1: bring into your mind's eye your forehead and just breathe
Speaker 1: there in and out, rising and falling. Take that concentration
Speaker 1: that you are now bringing to the front, Place it
Speaker 1: in the palm of your left hand. Place it in
Speaker 1: your right palm, the back of the left hand, in
Speaker 1: the back of the right come to rest in your
Speaker 1: belly breathe it and breathe out. Watch your breath rise
Speaker 1: and fall, and as you said, feel into what is
Speaker 1: bubbling to the surface. What wants to be said? What
Speaker 1: are you carrying? I always like to remind everyone to
Speaker 1: the degree that you can face it. Maybe for just
Speaker 1: right now, you just want to mark all there's something there.
Speaker 1: I can't quite look at it. Can you just notice
Speaker 1: that something is where, that there's something in the body
Speaker 1: that wants to be said, that wants to be seen.
Speaker 1: What are you holding? What is true? Now? If that's
Speaker 1: brought up any pictures and stories and now maybe you're
Speaker 1: in conversation with someone who is not present, I invite
Speaker 1: you to leave that to the side. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to follow it down the rabbit hole of explanation, but
Speaker 1: we will do is stay present for what's happening in
Speaker 1: the body. So as we are breathing, and if the
Speaker 1: prompt what are you sitting with broad up, let's say
Speaker 1: a conflict with someone. Just notice what happens. Does your
Speaker 1: chest tighten when you think about that? There's something in
Speaker 1: your belly, maybe in your head. Notice just what's happening
Speaker 1: and notice, oh, there must be something that I need
Speaker 1: to deal with later move on, keep breathing in and out,
Speaker 1: and then see what replaces that thought the very next one.
Speaker 1: What's coming? What joy are you holding? Where are you
Speaker 1: holding yourself back? Where is your critical self talk? Can
Speaker 1: you leave it to the side, Notice what is coming
Speaker 1: up in your body and your experience. And I'll ask
Speaker 1: you to take that concentration and that breath, move it
Speaker 1: to your throat, breathe in and breathe out. Your breath
Speaker 1: is just rising and falling. And I want you to
Speaker 1: bring to mind your throat feeling relaxed, open, and imagine
Speaker 1: the words that are residing inside of you that don't
Speaker 1: feel like there is a place to be heard that
Speaker 1: is safe or ears to hear it. See yourself moving
Speaker 1: and talking and expressing yourself in a way that feels whole,
Speaker 1: in a way that allows you to feel evenly matched
Speaker 1: from the inside to the outside. What would that feel
Speaker 1: like to say what you need to say when you
Speaker 1: need to say it, allowing yourself to communicate what is
Speaker 1: true for you As you just breathe, notice the response
Speaker 1: of the body with just those prompts, breathing in and
Speaker 1: breathing out. I'll ask you at this point to give
Speaker 1: yourself a deep o of internal gratitude for just taking
Speaker 1: a moment to try this exercise. I'll also ask you
Speaker 1: to set an intention for yourself that no matter what
Speaker 1: came to the surface, life is always a mixture of
Speaker 1: the sour and the sweet, light and shadow. Set an
Speaker 1: intention to take care of yourself with whatever came up
Speaker 1: for you. So, if there's something you need to tell
Speaker 1: someone and you and you're ready to do that, I
Speaker 1: encourage you to do that. If you need to be
Speaker 1: in connection with someone who you love to day to
Speaker 1: feel a little propped up in your life, a little
Speaker 1: bit in your own cheerleader, call someone you love, let
Speaker 1: them do that for you. If you're well is pretty filled,
Speaker 1: turn toward another see if you can be of service
Speaker 1: to another person today. Feed yourself when you're hungry, give
Speaker 1: yourself water when you're thirsty. For you, send that next email,
Speaker 1: Take a moment, pause, Will it serve you? Will it
Speaker 1: do what you intended to do? Thank you for taking
Speaker 1: this moment to be with me. So I will ask
Speaker 1: you again to continue to observe your breath. Take three
Speaker 1: or four beats here, and when you feel ready, open
Speaker 1: your eyes, come back into your space. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you, and we're gonna take a quick break and
Speaker 1: find out who you have brought in for us to hear. Okay,
Speaker 1: and so we're back, and Shaunta, I would love to
Speaker 1: know who you have brought in for us. So I
Speaker 1: have selected my friend Alexis to vote. Author, former professor,
Speaker 1: woman about town in the city of New Orleans, now
Speaker 1: recently relocated there. And I selected Alexis. I mean I
Speaker 1: could select her for many reasons. She uses her voice
Speaker 1: to push I don't want to say push forward, but
Speaker 1: to continue the conversation around race and gender and all
Speaker 1: of the things that are worthy of conversation. But the
Speaker 1: thing that I love, So I could pick many things.
Speaker 1: She's an award winning book writer, and she wrote she
Speaker 1: wrote to award winning biographies. One of them is on
Speaker 1: Billie Holiday, and one of them is on Audrew Lord,
Speaker 1: The Audre Lord one is. When I met Alexis, it
Speaker 1: was just sort of out and I was blown away
Speaker 1: by not only the time and the research and all
Speaker 1: that she did, but the way that she was using
Speaker 1: her voice to elevate another voice that is so close
Speaker 1: to my heart in the hearts of many people. But
Speaker 1: the reason that I selected Alexis is not for her
Speaker 1: many accomplishments, but about something she really has no control over.
Speaker 1: And it's actually her laugh, that sort of that form
Speaker 1: of her voice. And the reason I love her laugh
Speaker 1: is it sounds like it almost sounds like she can't
Speaker 1: control it, like it bursts forward, burst forth from her.
Speaker 1: And when you see Alexis, she is obviously a very
Speaker 1: beautiful woman. She has what because my own mother has
Speaker 1: when she has this beautiful gap in the front of
Speaker 1: her teeth, and when she laughs, she laughs with her
Speaker 1: whole mouth open, head thrown back, belly shake. I mean,
Speaker 1: she just goes for it. And it's a kind of
Speaker 1: laugh that not only if I hear it doesn't make
Speaker 1: me smile, it makes me feel loved, the amount of
Speaker 1: joy that's in it. And knowing her, her life has
Speaker 1: been a lot of things what I wouldn't say easy,
Speaker 1: And I'm not going to take over her narrative or
Speaker 1: try to project my feelings about her own life. But
Speaker 1: like any human life, it has its ups and downs.
Speaker 1: It's had its share of loss, tragedy, maybe things people
Speaker 1: want to call unfair. But to possess that laugh, there
Speaker 1: has to be some kind of hope that lives inside
Speaker 1: of you. M hm okay. Here. She is born and
Speaker 1: raised in North Carolina and the Husky In North Carolina.
Speaker 1: She began her life as a young woman as a teacher,
Speaker 1: and when she came north as part of the Great Migration,
Speaker 1: was unable to teach in New York City because New
Speaker 1: York City was segregated, and so she lived her entire
Speaker 1: life working as a maid for a family by the
Speaker 1: last name of White, if you can imagine, that pissed
Speaker 1: me off. But she taught in Sunday School. She understood
Speaker 1: that space as a space that she could become the
Speaker 1: teacher she wanted to be. I mean, I love that
Speaker 1: also because of the content. Right, she's talking about somebody
Speaker 1: literally finding the space in which they can be an
Speaker 1: authority figure when they have been deprived it elsewhere, marginalized
Speaker 1: all the way to the edges. Yeah. And then and
Speaker 1: then like pushing in, doesn't surprise me that that's Alexis grandmother.
Speaker 1: That spirit lives very much in alex system. So I
Speaker 1: love this clip because it's it's it's what I like
Speaker 1: to call you know, in general terms of storytelling style. Right,
Speaker 1: there's this person and here's what they were like and
Speaker 1: let me try to put into words this experience. To
Speaker 1: be able to do that is something we all have
Speaker 1: in us, but we sort of forget that that is
Speaker 1: a mode when we're public speaking that we can rely
Speaker 1: on to touch other people. Let me tell you a
Speaker 1: story about someone who right, and that the confidence that
Speaker 1: she has in that like whatever comes out, even though
Speaker 1: it's not a perfect articulation of this woman I'm trying
Speaker 1: to tell you about, is touching on the spirit of it.
Speaker 1: And I trust that I can touch on the spirit
Speaker 1: of it. You know, That's what I hear in her voice.
Speaker 1: And I love that little aside. I mean I almost
Speaker 1: picked this clip because of that little aside. Right, she
Speaker 1: references it amusing name of the family, and then she
Speaker 1: offers the space for people to have a little giggle
Speaker 1: at the tension and then right, and then she buttons
Speaker 1: that moment by saying, pissed me off. And she doesn't
Speaker 1: go all the way into anger on that, but she
Speaker 1: allows herself to say makes me feel things, and I'm
Speaker 1: not going to apologize for it, and then we're going
Speaker 1: to move on, which in and of itself is so powerful.
Speaker 1: I mean it really is it really so powerful to
Speaker 1: be able to sit with that. It's lovely. Having done
Speaker 1: research on her, I know that among the writing styles
Speaker 1: that she's written in is one is poetry. But I
Speaker 1: almost don't need to be told that because it feels
Speaker 1: like she's sort of The pissed me off wasn't just
Speaker 1: like God, guys, that really pissed me off. It was
Speaker 1: like pissed me off. It was like it had a
Speaker 1: rhythm to it and kind of an inherent sense of
Speaker 1: like I am owning this moment and dropping it for you.
Speaker 1: That is very much Alexis. Even in that short clip,
Speaker 1: you can certainly as you get that from her, and
Speaker 1: that's how she is in real life. She is lyrical.
Speaker 1: I wish we all, like you know, newer so we
Speaker 1: can hear the laugh that does not seem to be
Speaker 1: something that she has done a huge amount publicly in
Speaker 1: the YouTube clister are available. M Samara, this is Cat, Everyone,
Speaker 1: This is Cat. I wanted to just wait in here
Speaker 1: for a quick second because we've talked about breathwork being
Speaker 1: so important, and I feel like the moment for laughter
Speaker 1: as much as it's I'm not talking about humor in speech,
Speaker 1: because that's a whole different conversation tomorrow, I'm sure. But
Speaker 1: the importance of laughter, to really hit the nail on
Speaker 1: the head with what you said, is that it gives
Speaker 1: us a moment to take a breath, the listeners a
Speaker 1: moment to take a breath, the speaker a moment to
Speaker 1: take a breath, to do exactly what you said to
Speaker 1: then bring them back to the point of what really matters,
Speaker 1: and that it is it only giving space for that
Speaker 1: point to be so poignant and powerful. But we all
Speaker 1: just take a breath, and we relax, and we sit
Speaker 1: into ourselves. And I feel like that breath work, like
Speaker 1: you speak about, is such an important tool in public speaking,
Speaker 1: and so it's very interesting where it differentiates between the
Speaker 1: importance of bringing humor into a speech versus bringing breath
Speaker 1: work into a speech. And I find that to be
Speaker 1: incredibly powerful and interesting thought totally. And I also feel
Speaker 1: like the idea of laughter, or of an aside in
Speaker 1: this case, having a real communication value of in and
Speaker 1: of itself, is something we can all remember, because the
Speaker 1: concept of an aside sounds like it's just a little
Speaker 1: parenthetical throwaway. But throwaways and breath are in the same
Speaker 1: category of things that we might discount when we're talking
Speaker 1: publicly that actually hold huge amounts of communication value. Thank you, Shanta,
Speaker 1: thanks for being here. I'm such a pleasure. I so
Speaker 1: appreciate it being here. Thank you. Thank you to Shanta
Speaker 1: for coming in. You can find out more about her
Speaker 1: in the show notes or on our website Permission to
Speaker 1: Speak pod dot com. Also, you can go to Permission
Speaker 1: to Speak pod dot com if you have any awesome
Speaker 1: quotes you'd like me to read at the top of
Speaker 1: the episodes, and if you have any questions, I will
Speaker 1: do and ask me anything episode from time to time,
Speaker 1: and I want to know what is getting in the
Speaker 1: way of your voice. You can also send d M
Speaker 1: s or voice messages to our Instagram at Permission to
Speaker 1: Speak Pod, where we're posting a bunch of content and
Speaker 1: please join the community. Thanks as well to Sophie Lichterman
Speaker 1: and the team at I Heeart Radio, to Megan Read,
Speaker 1: to my family and cohort, and to all of you.
Speaker 1: We're recording this podcast in the I Heart Radio studios
Speaker 1: in Hollywood, on land that used to belong to the
Speaker 1: Tongva indigenous tribe, and you can visit U S D
Speaker 1: A C dot us to learn more about honoring Native Land.
Speaker 1: Permission to Speak is a production of I heart Radio
Speaker 1: and Double Vision Executive produced by Katherine Burke Canton and
Speaker 1: Mark Canton. For more podcasts from my heart Radio, listen
Speaker 1: on the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
Speaker 1: you get your favorite shows.