WEBVTT - Shawnta Valdes 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.880 Today's quote is from Jennifer Armbreast, who created Feminist Business School. 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:07.800 In these turbulent times, we need each other. I love 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:10.879 these words from Elizabeth Warren after she was silenced by 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:14.560 the Senate last year, but nevertheless persisted. She asserted, quote, 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:17.000 this is gonna be hard. We don't have the tools. 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:19.680 There's gonna be a lot that we will lose. But 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:22.239 I guarantee the one thing we will not lose, we 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:26.279 will not lose our voices. End quote. She's talking about 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:29.240 legal and legislative tools, of course, but I feel a 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:34.360 deeper meaning tools. Power is about tools. Women, people of color, 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:37.880 and the poor have historically been denied access in information 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:41.960 about the tools of money, the tools of business, the 0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:45.239 tools of political power, and we have been alienated from 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:57.040 our most powerful tool, our voice. Our voice is a 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:00.600 reflection of our life experience, where we've been, and who 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:03.560 we've listened to. But we can also own it and 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:07.080 even change it if we want. This is the podcast 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:10.479 that's all about the voice, but it's also all about power, 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:13.000 Who has it, how we get it, and how we 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:16.760 sound when we have it. I'm Samrve. I'm a dialect 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:19.440 coach for actors in Hollywood on projects like the upcoming 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:25.160 Wonder Woman's sequel, and I'm also a speech coach for entrepreneurs, politicians, creatives, 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:28.240 and women everywhere who need to use their voice to 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:31.759 get what they want. Welcome to permission to speak. Let's 0:01:31.760 --> 0:01:43.440 do this. Today's guest is Chanta Valdez. She is a 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:46.560 meditation facilitator here in Los Angeles who helps people privately 0:01:46.640 --> 0:01:48.480 as well as at the Jain Club, which is a 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:52.000 coworking space in Hollywood where I met her. Her instagram 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:54.400 is at sit with Shaunta, and her writing and mindfulness 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:58.080 prompts are absolutely beautiful. I wanted to have her on 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:00.960 because I knew that she'd be able to speak to 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:02.920 the inner work of using our voice to get what 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:05.639 we want, How we talk to ourselves, how we trust 0:02:05.680 --> 0:02:07.880 our voice and set our boundaries, how we build a 0:02:07.960 --> 0:02:10.720 life where the voice we use to talk to ourselves 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:13.120 and the voice we use out loud are actually the 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:17.040 same voice. She talks about how our own voice dramatically 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:19.680 changed at a certain moment in her life, how she's 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:24.720 confronted racism and spoken out using mindfulness tools, and she 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:29.120 even leads us in an awesome meditation specifically for us. 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:37.480 This is Shanta. I don't know if you'd call yourself this, 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:41.360 but I call you my meditation guru. Um. You do 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:45.040 it daily. Sit and the coworking space that I've been 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:47.080 a member of for a long time called the Jane Club, 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:49.359 much to my joy, and I want to ask you 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:52.239 a few questions about meditation, about mindfulness, about the voice 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:55.240 and their connection, But it seems most obvious to just 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:58.760 start out with, like who finds meditation? I personally got 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:00.880 into meditation, I like to say to people, to save 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:05.679 my life. I was suffering from not only chronic depression, 0:03:06.480 --> 0:03:12.160 self harming, negative self talk, bullying, abuse of conversations that 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:15.880 I hadn't really abusive relationship with myself. Um. And that 0:03:15.960 --> 0:03:18.520 comes from we're starting off really heavy. That comes from 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:21.480 really childhood trauma. Um. The way that I found to 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:24.280 relieve that was to turn it in, you know, turn 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:27.080 it towards myself, which is very common. And partly what 0:03:27.120 --> 0:03:30.240 you're talking about is about the voices in our head. 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:33.800 Absolutely another way of talking about voice. Absolutely, um, and 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:37.800 my constant companion that you know that, but like you said, 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:40.480 that inner voice was always telling me the phrase I 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:43.040 always use, I'm a garbage person. I'm a garbage person. 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:45.720 And that's a really tough way to go through life, 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.480 isn't it terrible? And that's how I actually felt. That 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.720 wasn't you know in anybody to seek attention from others 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:56.640 or to get sympathy. That was my inner dialogue. I 0:03:56.680 --> 0:04:00.480 knew that I was fundamentally flawed and wrong and bad. 0:04:00.760 --> 0:04:04.040 I remember hearing a podcast with Alison Janny where she 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:07.200 said she was asked how she played such an awful, 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:11.200 awful mother in Titania, and she thought, is there anyone 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:13.640 in my life who is as cruel as that? And 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:16.200 then she thought, ah, it's how I talked to myself. 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:19.240 Here we go. And that's one of the things that 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:23.200 I think sometimes keeps people from meditation at first, because 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:26.720 the moment that you get really quiet, sit with yourself 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:29.280 turned towards yourself, you kind of have to sit through 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:32.560 a barrage of that until it sort of settles and 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.080 then you can really get into like what is going on, 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.080 what's in there? But you've got to sit and withstand 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.080 the uncomfortability, as I call the activation of the body 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:43.080 that tells you to get up and flee and open 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:45.800 your eyes or run away or do all of the 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:48.440 things we can do to distract ourselves. So because I 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:50.640 was no longer clearly at some point I was no 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:53.080 longer interested in having that kind of relationship with myself. 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:55.320 I needed it to change. Our life was going to 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:59.360 feel way too long and not worth it. My uncomfortability 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:01.520 and my desperate ration is always a wonderful teacher. It 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.080 leads me to beautiful things because evengel I just go, 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:08.120 I will try anything, anything at all. I also now know, 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:10.359 just being able to look back with that wonderful hindsight, 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:13.880 this was always inside of me. The path that I'm 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:17.279 walking today, The meditation was always there. I had always 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:19.400 been attracted to it. I'd always been drawn to it. 0:05:19.640 --> 0:05:22.000 I've read about it, I looked at people who did 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:25.360 and always thought, well, maybe some day. And I've learned 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:27.720 that those little things, I call them slightly not obsessions, 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.160 but those things that keep coming back to over and 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:33.560 over and over and over for me, that's my life 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.280 telling me over here, that thing that I that little 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:40.080 colonel that lives inside of you. So you're always thinking 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:42.359 about Paris, and you watch movies about Paris, and I 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:44.480 would think, when maybe you need to go with yourself 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:47.039 on over to Paris, who knows. But I've come to 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:48.600 sort of use that as a little bit of um, 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.680 a little homing device to tell me which way to go. 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.039 And now that I live in this space and inhabit it, 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.320 I'd like to say most of the time, Yeah, this 0:05:57.360 --> 0:05:59.040 was always the person I always was on the inside. 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:01.360 This person just was not safe to come out. I'm 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:03.080 telling me about that living there most of the time. 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:06.680 My real question is how does meditation affect the rest 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:09.680 of your life? Yeah, it's made me the kind of person. Well, 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:12.039 let me tell you who I used to be, because 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:14.479 I think hopefully you will say, gosh, I find that 0:06:14.560 --> 0:06:18.359 hard to believe. So again, that narcissist that I mentioned, 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:21.039 I know that it's there. I just don't have to 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:23.120 listen to it. But I only thought about myself all 0:06:23.120 --> 0:06:26.279 the time. I never showed up for other people. I 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:28.360 was the kind of friend where because again I had 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:30.520 sort of that trauma and that fear, and I was hiding, 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:35.440 hiding my voice, hiding myself. I became very adept and 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:37.839 asking you all about you and connecting in that way, 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:41.240 and I would never tell you anything about me. I 0:06:41.279 --> 0:06:43.920 was so skillful. I could be with you for days 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:47.360 on end on vacation and only dip into your life 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:51.080 using some of the skills. And but they're not actually skills, 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:52.760 they're just really who I am, the way that I 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:55.400 can hopefully connect with people who come to sit with 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:58.360 me and who sit with me. And meditation, I actually 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:01.159 like to connect with you. And I never did that before. 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:03.680 I allowed you to think that you were connecting with me, 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:09.520 a false version, completely false, and I lied. I took 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:13.360 things that didn't belong to me, I eat other people's food. 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:16.960 I just did everything on the opposite. And through meditation 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:21.240 I was able to not only look at myself accurately, 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:24.400 but for me, the real key is looking at yourself 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:29.239 with kindness and curiosity. So now I have the benefit 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:32.040 of when I feel, let's say I see somebody who 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:37.640 has something that I want, uh power, prestige, partners, easy 0:07:37.680 --> 0:07:40.880 things to want, material goods. Sometimes I feel like a 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:44.160 little like zoop like I call it an activation, like 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:47.920 a little poke inside of me. Something happens and I go, oh, 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:51.160 I really want that. Normally I would judge myself for them, 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:53.440 like what's wrong with you? Immediately I would go into 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:55.960 why do you have to covet? Shame? On you. You 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.480 shouldn't be like that. Then my you know, puritanical upbringing 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:03.760 comes in and I shame myself into going silent and 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:07.440 attacking myself. Now, thankfully I can look at that and go, 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:10.920 of course you do your human being. Of course you're 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:13.560 going to have wants and desires. And then usually if 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.160 I can do that, it just goes away rightly immediately. 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:18.280 Then it just becomes a thing that I see that 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:21.239 someone has and think I've been able to cultivate a 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.480 relationship with myself and others where I'm happy for things 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.120 that happened to you and has nothing to do with me. 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:29.360 And it also it sounds like another way of talking 0:08:29.400 --> 0:08:32.200 about giving ourselves permission. Absolutely, I have permission to be 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:34.960 a human being, which I never gave myself before. I 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:40.240 needed to be perfect. Perfectionism will kill you. Because of meditation, 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:44.640 the outside and the inside match. I feel fully integrated, 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:47.720 which is a gift. I didn't even know that that 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.360 was a thing to want. So how do you help 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:53.079 other people do that? To be honest, what I've noticed 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:55.480 is the very thing that you're talking to, your permission 0:08:55.520 --> 0:08:58.480 to speak. I feel like that's actually what I allow people, 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:00.200 what makes me laugh on. The reason I often I 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:03.240 haven't done anything it's really you is because what I'm 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:06.959 really doing is holding a container. And I don't say 0:09:07.000 --> 0:09:08.880 I keep a safe space because I don't know what 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:13.520 can be triggering or activating to other people. So I 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:16.400 try to keep it safer as safe as possible. But 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:19.120 what I do is I allow you permission to be 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:22.640 with yourself and to say what is true. So when 0:09:22.640 --> 0:09:24.920 I encounter the group that I sit with on a 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:28.600 daily basis at eleven thirty, part of my technique is 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.640 checking in with the people in the room. For some people, 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:34.080 that is the only moment that they have in the 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:38.080 day to say what is actually happening. You don't have 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:40.559 to worry about being judged. As I say to people, 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:44.080 that is not my style. I'm not in the position 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:47.560 to judge you or your experience, your life. Your choice 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.600 is nothing. But what I can do is do what 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:54.720 they call active listening. So look at you, listen, allow 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:58.839 for silence. Every moment does not have to be taken 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:02.480 up by talking and fill particularly if someone begins to 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:08.480 show signs of tearing up, their voice catches and there 0:10:08.559 --> 0:10:12.320 is real emotion coming up. My instinct is always just 0:10:12.440 --> 0:10:14.600 it used to be like to come towards them, hug them, 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:17.640 fell in that space. It's okay, it's okay. I have 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:21.719 learned to just sit still. It's tough to say in 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:24.760 the podcast, hold you with my gaze and what I 0:10:24.760 --> 0:10:27.840 hope is a gentle way and allow you to say 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:32.360 what is true. That aside, how do you think about 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:36.679 your voice when you're actually doing a guided meditation? That's 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.480 a great question. Um. One of the things I try 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:46.480 to be most mindful of is not doing a meditation voice. 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:50.920 I think it is off putting because when I encounter it, 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:55.440 it sounds I don't want to say hypnotic, as if 0:10:55.520 --> 0:11:00.199 hypnotic or hypnotism is bad, it certainly isn't. But that's 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:01.720 not what I'm looking for. I think I'm looking for 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:04.559 a voice that is guiding me. But somehow that intrudes. 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:06.680 I don't know how else to explain, but that sort 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:08.960 of put on voice. I don't like to feel like 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:11.600 I'm ever being sold into something, you know what I mean, 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:13.679 Like I'm not being sold to me a little like 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:17.160 patronizing and maybe it's yeah, I feel like it's like 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:20.120 it's also a yogic voice. It like for the very 0:11:20.160 --> 0:11:23.840 boogie version of yoga of like now what we're gonna do? 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:26.840 It makes me feel embarrassed. It's interesting because like the 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:30.680 actual quality of of you know, like resonance of that 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.480 is probably relatively similar to what you you're doing, but 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:36.840 it feels like it doesn't come from as authentic a place. 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:40.560 And naturally do you have sort of a quieter, softer, 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.160 deeper voice. Is this what you sounded like in the 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:47.800 in Shanta one point? Now the version? No, here's something 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:49.680 very interesting. God, I don't know that I've ever said 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:52.959 this to people in my therapy that I have gone 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:56.080 to for many, many, many many many years. Love it. 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:58.080 So I was going to ask you how you found, 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:00.360 like what your aha moment was, but I was eagining 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.200 that it was probably it's a therapy as a particular 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:06.040 constomatic experiencing which again you know, connecting and with the 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:09.960 body and what's coming up. When I started, after about 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:12.160 maybe eight or nine months, I really had like a breakthrough. 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:15.520 My teacher my call him Mike because he is a 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:17.400 teacher as well in meditations, I call him my teacher 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:20.160 about my therapist said, have you noticed that your voice 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:23.200 has dropped in octave? What my voice used to be 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:26.400 very tight, very tight all the time. And I talked 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:28.640 in a register up here all the time because my 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:33.200 voice was really tight, because I was living, not speaking. 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:38.440 I was never telling the truth ever, I was always hiding. 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:42.120 So when I see people, and I see women in particular, 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:46.480 testifying in all the ways that what you're called to 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:49.120 do to stand up and take care of ourselves, or 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:52.200 in public or in conversation, and they are tight, I'm fine. 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:54.000 I mean, we know it in our regular life. We 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:56.679 hear friends, how are you doing, Oh, I'm fine. To 0:12:56.840 --> 0:13:00.319 tell something's wrong, we go up. I mean, you certainly 0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:04.040 speak to that. It feels to me like it's the 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:06.640 service industry voice of like I'm just here to make 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:09.240 sure that everybody else is doing just fine. It's that 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:12.640 tightening and that minimizing and that making me small. And 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:15.600 I used to live there with that, you know, ready smile, 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:18.600 that eager and obsequious manner that I went through the world. 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:20.600 And once I started doing this work, when I had 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:25.600 a breakthrough, my voice dropped. It got much softer, and 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:28.480 you didn't notice, and I didn't notice that. He told me, 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:30.400 and then I thought about it, and it could not 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:32.960 have been more clear. So the way that I talked 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:36.080 now like this, this is my everyday voice. So when 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:39.480 I'm in meditation now that actually I've never thought about it. 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:42.000 I think the voice that I am putting out is 0:13:42.000 --> 0:13:44.360 the voice that I hear in my own head. This 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:47.000 is the voice with which I talked to myself. That's 0:13:47.000 --> 0:13:49.280 what you're hearing. Oh, I never thought about that. That's 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:51.960 now my inner voice. So I want to talk about breath. 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:53.960 But actually first I want to circle back on something 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:56.199 you just said and actually something that we both just 0:13:56.320 --> 0:13:58.360 laughed about, which is that higher pitched voice we hear 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:02.160 all over but for the people listening who maybe see 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:04.960 a little bit of themselves in that and also maybe 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:08.000 associated with I mean, I called it the service industry voice. 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:11.240 There's a lot of socialized reasons why we have that, 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:16.200 maybe even unrelated to our upbringing or anything, you know, 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.760 terrible that happened to us, but that we've nonetheless taken 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.600 on as signs that this is how women should sound, 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:27.560 girls slash women, young women whatever, like you know. Sort 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:30.200 of that era is where we're still really trying to 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:32.080 figuret what the rules are so that we can win 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:35.560 at the game that someone else has set out for 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:39.720 us so with a massive amount of grace towards that 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.280 sort of pretzel that people put themselves in. And by people, 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:47.600 I really do mean people who feel marginalized, which you know, 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:51.400 unfortunately women sometimes do even though they're the majority. But 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:55.760 you know, obviously taking class and race and gender and 0:14:56.520 --> 0:15:00.800 you know, status within a certain social context into account, 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:04.160 how do we all find a version of our voice 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:07.920 that feels more like it's real. I hate to say it, 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:12.080 but it's true. It just this work takes work at 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:14.040 some point, even though I wish there was a way 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:16.320 around it. You're gonna have to at least sit with 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:20.760 what is happening. If you are resonating with what I'm saying, 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:24.040 if you see yourself in other places and you know 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:27.360 that there is something inside that you can't look at, 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:29.960 that you cannot name, that you can't sit with it, 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:34.040 you can't admit that, you can't confess that at least 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:35.680 has to begin the work, like you have to at 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:38.800 least start there, separate from anything else. I think there 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:41.040 has to become a moment where you want to be 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:45.440 in a just relationship with yourself, a just relationship with yourself. 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.960 We talk about that with others. How can I make 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:51.880 this person, give them the access, make them feel welcome. 0:15:52.240 --> 0:15:55.800 What about you? This is so interesting because I feel 0:15:55.840 --> 0:15:58.440 like we were talking a little bit ahead of you 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:03.160 being here about this term self help and how it 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:07.800 feels a little like it's been uh sullied and a 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:10.800 little bit like it's the it's the word version of 0:16:10.840 --> 0:16:16.400 the Bougi yoga voice. Um, what do you think? I 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:20.120 do not sit passively over and over and over and 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:24.240 over and over and have no movement. I sit so 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:26.520 I can see clearly, so I can get my ass 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:29.320 up off that cushion and get out there and take 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:30.920 care of the things that need to be taken care of, 0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.320 the people, places, the movements. That means something to me. 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:37.200 This gives me the resiliency to get out there and 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:41.280 shout and march and protest, take care of myself, take 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:44.480 care of my family, meet my friends, have jen martinis, 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.120 all of the things that that make up a life. 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:51.600 That's the way in and that's self help. Like practically speaking, 0:16:51.640 --> 0:17:01.600 I love it. We'll take a quick break, so we're 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:04.320 back with Shanta and I have a few more questions, 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:06.680 and then Shanta's going to lead us in a meditation 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:10.679 So I have a last question before we sit. What 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:13.440 about the people in our lives who don't fit into 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:18.120 that category, those who I call living unwisely wisely? How 0:17:18.200 --> 0:17:20.240 very kind? I love? That actually makes me think of 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:25.520 your your compassion Buddhist comment. Will you share that with us? Oh? Yes, 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:28.000 I love this quote. It to say that the Buddha 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:31.320 said that you could search the entire world all four corners, 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:34.240 and you will never find another being more worthy of 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.199 compassion than yourself. The first time I heard that, I 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.639 was so offended and herd I wanted to cry. I 0:17:39.680 --> 0:17:42.120 couldn't even think about that. Other people are definitely suffering 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.280 more than I am. It's not a competition. If it 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:49.480 matters to you, it matters, right. So with that in mind, 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:53.080 when there are shitty people in our lives who are 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:57.000 on their own quote unquote journey, but nonetheless seemed to 0:17:57.040 --> 0:18:00.240 be intersecting with our journey, what's your suggestion how to 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:03.080 sort of shut out ikey energy? Yeah? Um one, I 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:05.920 would say, congratulations on recognizing what people in your life 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.600 feel a little I call crunchier, which people feel smooth 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:13.439 like peanut butter. Who's crunchy and who's smooth? If you 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:15.040 walk in thro him, and I get a vibe from you. 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.480 I listened to that. I don't shun you, but I 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:21.000 do not put myself in a position to be hurt 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:24.000 by you. That way, we can peacefully coexist. People go, 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:25.840 you are such a nice person. People, how do you 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:27.600 get along with her? Because all I do is say 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:29.960 hello and goodbye and say how are you? I listen, 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:32.959 I say thank you very much, and I go, I 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:35.600 don't do that. People pleasing, Let's get together and have lunch. 0:18:36.080 --> 0:18:38.240 I don't care if you are a powerful person who 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:40.880 could give me all my dreams come true. It's really 0:18:40.960 --> 0:18:45.359 nice to see you. Goodnight. We stay in just relationship 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:48.840 with one another. It's very easy. I can just tell 0:18:49.200 --> 0:18:50.919 who are my people and who aren't, and I just 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:54.080 listened to that. It's challenging, especially when it's family members. 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:57.680 That's when I detached with love. As my Guru said 0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:02.560 to me early an hour, practice together forever in my heart, 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:07.560 never in my home. WHOA that gave me such a 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.960 beautiful perspective. I can forgive you. I can go through 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:14.280 without her, whatever it is. Internally. I don't shun people 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:16.800 in that way, but I will not bring you close 0:19:16.840 --> 0:19:19.520 to me. That's just taking care of myself and leaving 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:22.040 myself free to take care of others. How do you 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:25.640 think about breath as it relates to all this. First 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:26.919 of all, let me say I never realized how much 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:31.920 I held my breath such an automatic experience. Something displeases 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:35.879 me or I'm frightened, it's so prevalent. Didn't know that 0:19:35.920 --> 0:19:38.639 happened until I started meditating, when I had to just 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:44.359 watch this breath. This breath, you know, it's so repetitive, 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:48.199 much like that's like boring, and it's revolutionary supposed to 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:51.199 be boring. That's the whole challenge. What happens to your 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:54.320 mind as soon as you are bored. What I noticed 0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:57.960 is and again I've been a meditator for about thirteen years. 0:19:58.000 --> 0:19:59.760 Let me just put some context around that. But just 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.119 this spurs I don't know about that. It's like a baby, 0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:05.000 little baby in meditation. But over the past year, I 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:09.120 have found myself feeling my boundary getting crossed, Like even 0:20:09.119 --> 0:20:10.639 as I can think about it, but you can hear 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:13.639 like my I get a little shaky just even recalling it. 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:16.879 That's how powerful this mind is. It's such a fascinating 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:22.680 to watch. So I'll take a breath, calm down. So 0:20:22.720 --> 0:20:24.639 as soon as I feel my boundary being crossed and 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:28.520 I get that activation in my body, my previous response 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:33.160 was just to say nothing, get quiet, shut down, become invisible, 0:20:33.520 --> 0:20:36.320 get small, whatever it was, Get away from this experience, 0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:38.679 get away from this person, and not use your voice. 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:41.119 Say nothing. Of course, there is safety and being sounds 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:42.960 when it's going to save your life, of course, so 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:45.600 I don't want to give anyone the impression any kind 0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:46.960 of shame. You can now pick up like, well, I 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:51.320 didn't say anything about people get paralyzed. It happens when 0:20:51.359 --> 0:20:54.800 you're able to first notice that that's happening. Is powerful. Again, 0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:57.480 Remember my old belief was I'm a garbage person, so 0:20:57.480 --> 0:21:00.240 anything I feel is wrong. I now recognize. Is that 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:03.240 feeling inside of me as energy organizing for me to 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:07.160 give a response if I need to, of course, get 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:10.080 my body to be safe physically, get to that. But 0:21:10.200 --> 0:21:12.840 more often than not, I'm just standing across from another 0:21:12.920 --> 0:21:16.679 human having any experience that I have decided has gone sideways. 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:19.200 And I love this term organized right because that idea 0:21:19.240 --> 0:21:23.200 of sort of our body being disorganized, thrown out of whack, right, 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:26.720 our thoughts, our body, our breath, our voice not being 0:21:26.760 --> 0:21:30.440 in alignment. And then you're sort of suggesting that in 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.439 the moment, we actually can do something about that. I 0:21:32.480 --> 0:21:34.240 think you build up to, but I think again, I 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:36.560 took that messaging and the way that it would feel. 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:38.879 It was so uncomfortable and ikey that I was like, 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:41.320