WEBVTT - Sleep and Love 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:01.320 Katie, I've got a question for you. 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:05.000 Yeah, do you think we sleep better when we're sleeping 0:00:05.000 --> 0:00:07.160 in the same bed or when we're not sleeping in 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:07.720 the same bed. 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:09.960 I sleep better when you're in the bed because I'm 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:12.840 really cold and I put my cold feet on your 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:15.320 hot hot, too, hot body. 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:18.840 I'm down for whatever results in bow chicka. Wow. Wow. 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:23.320 When we go to sleep at the same time, there's 0:00:23.400 --> 0:00:25.320 a better shot at it. 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:28.080 I can't believe you made this about going to sleep earlier. 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:32.239 Hi, everybody, I'm Katie Lows. I am an actor, a 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:36.400 podcast host, a mom, and honestly very tired most of 0:00:36.400 --> 0:00:36.760 the time. 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.839 And I'm Adam Shapiro, an actor, a pretzel maker, a 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:41.320 dad in Katie's husband. 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:45.120 And this is Chasing Sleep, a production of Ruby Studios 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:50.920 from iHeartMedia in partnership with Mattress Firm. Everybody sleeps, and 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:58.080 sleep affects just about everything, our health, relationships, intimacy, being patient. 0:00:57.720 --> 0:00:59.720 With your kids, our work, and our play. 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:02.720 In this season of Chasing Sleep, we'll dig into the 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:06.199 many ways sleep impacts our lives and find out what's 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:07.520 real and what's myth. 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:09.680 And we're going to talk to everyday people about real 0:01:09.720 --> 0:01:12.200 life situations that lots of us encounter. 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.240 And this is our first episode. Good luck, honey, let's 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:15.520 do it. 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:16.680 Let's get into it. 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:22.680 This episode is about sleep and love. I'm so excited 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:24.880 to be co hosting with my husband. 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:26.840 Yeah, this is nice. 0:01:26.880 --> 0:01:28.080 It's like a built in date. 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:30.440 I agree. You know, it's really nice when you're in 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:31.800 a relationship and you. 0:01:31.760 --> 0:01:36.360 Can just do about anything together, you know, talking, laughing, eating, drinking, exercise, 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:39.800 raising kids. But you know what could be difficult, huh, 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:41.680 sleeping in the same bedroom together. 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:43.920 Yeah. 0:01:44.000 --> 0:01:46.759 We talked with some other couples to find out how 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:47.960 they're doing in the bedroom. 0:01:48.080 --> 0:01:50.560 Don't you mean sleeping, I mean sleeping. 0:01:50.240 --> 0:01:51.920 In the bedroom. 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:55.960 We've been together for thirteen years seven months today. 0:01:56.400 --> 0:01:59.640 Forty years. Yeah, coming up on six years. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:03.040 The nicest thing about sharing a bed together is waking 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:06.040 up in the morning and kind of communicating and having 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:07.320 sort of that interaction. 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.040 You know, we're a team and it is nice to 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:12.760 like be close to each other physically. 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:15.280 I feel like we get to like online together and 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:18.000 just kind of like talk through what happened during the day. 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.680 We can snuggle, but we can also have our own space. 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:21.799 You like, will put his. 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:24.480 Arm around me, I just have to like push you off. 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:26.959 You take the good with the bad. I definitely sleep 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:29.560 better when I got my partner a bit. I just do. 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:33.520 I do like having my partner next to me. Yeah, 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:35.360 absolutely love sleeping next. 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:35.520 To each other. 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:38.560 It's the best. I think there's something comforting about your partners. 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:41.520 It's like the balance. The bed needs some balance. 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:45.240 That's very poetic. It's something that just feels good. 0:02:46.120 --> 0:02:47.000 And I just. 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:50.680 Genuinely and generally feel a lot happier being able to 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:55.360 sleep with my partner every single night. I just have 0:02:55.680 --> 0:03:01.240 so many questions about improving our sleep, our relationship to sleep, 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:02.640 our relationship to each other. 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:05.799 Like, for example, I sleep with a snorer. 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:06.480 You do? 0:03:08.720 --> 0:03:09.080 Is it me? 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:09.720 You? 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:11.920 Adam Shapiro, you snore? 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:12.480 Wow? 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:15.440 Yeah, we're a married couple and sometimes we put each 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:16.239 other to sleep. 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:17.760 That's that's healthy, right. 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:19.680 Unless we're having sex at the same time. 0:03:20.400 --> 0:03:23.960 It happens. Oh, we are going there. 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:28.600 I am really excited to speak with today's guests. We 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:32.960 are joined by doctor Wendy M. Troxel. She is the 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:37.400 author of Sharing the Covers, Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep. 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:39.600 Welcome, doctor Wendy Troxel. 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:42.640 Thank you so much. For having me. I'm really excited 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:43.800 to be here today with you all. 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:46.600 I have so many questions for you about relationships. 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:49.320 Whoa I'm sure Katie does. 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:53.640 We also have Kai Dates and Valerie Weisler here. They 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:57.320 are a very cool, happy couple from Brooklyn, New York. 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:00.360 Hi, Kai and Val thank you. 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:00.800 Happy to be here. 0:04:01.000 --> 0:04:03.000 Yeah, thanks for having us, Thanks for being here. 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:07.200 Guys, Kai and Val, you're young, You're in love. How 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:08.440 long have you two been together? 0:04:09.000 --> 0:04:12.640 We have been together since October twenty nineteen. Our first 0:04:12.720 --> 0:04:15.120 date was a date we didn't know was a date 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:19.160 at the local ice cream parlor. So about three and 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:20.080 a half years now. 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:22.120 And how long since you've moved in together? 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:26.320 Previously because of lockdown with the pandemic, it was like 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:30.560 we were college students dating and then we were long 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:33.320 distance for I think like six months, right, and then 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:35.080 Val moved into my childhood home. 0:04:34.960 --> 0:04:36.160 With me for six months. 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:36.640 Got it. 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.880 And then Val lived in Ireland for a year to 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:43.520 do her master's degree while I finished my undergrad degree. Wow, 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:46.279 and now we live together in the same city. 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:51.280 So now, in all these circumstances, have you ever felt 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:54.200 like your sleep quality is affecting? 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:55.839 How the two of you get along as a couple. 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:01.480 Yeah, I think I I am the person in our 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:05.920 relationship who has the most sleep issues. So I feel 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:13.800 drawn to start because I tend to have big meltdowns 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.880 when I'm tired. So I think I'm the one who's 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:23.640 most impacted emotionally by lack of sleep. I think for me, 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:28.680 I tend to have a pretty easy time falling asleep, 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:32.320 but a very hard time staying asleep, Like everything gets heightened. 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:35.080 And so I think I am a better communicator and 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:36.880 partner when I have my. 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:41.359 Best sleep doctor Troxel, Since you're not just a relationships expert, 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:45.760 but you're so knowledgeable about how sleep affects relationships, help 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:51.200 us understand what sleep means for being happy as a couple. 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:55.200 Oh, that's a loaded question. So the vast majority of 0:05:55.600 --> 0:05:58.760 the study of sleep, the science of sleep, has focused 0:05:58.800 --> 0:06:02.640 on sleep as this individual behavior, and yet that's not 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:07.080 how sleep occurs for most couples. After all, we spend 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:10.039 about a third of our lives asleep, so that's a 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:13.960 major part of our coupled existence. When we're sleep deprived 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:17.640 or sleep is disturbed, it really manifests quite obviously and 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.480 quite quickly in our moods, particularly our irritability levels. 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:25.000 Yes, you know, today's a perfect example. Our kiddos woke Oh, 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:26.920 we have two kids, five and two. They woke up 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:29.520 very early. They jumped out of their rooms, they jump 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:32.080 in our beds, and then it becomes sort of a 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:35.600 competition between me and Katie on who can stay in 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:40.560 the bed long enough without going crazy and getting up 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:42.320 and doing the morning with the kid. 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:44.520 And that happens with a lot of couples for a 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:47.680 variety of different reasons. Children being just one of the 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:51.800 sleep disruptions that can disturb the sleep of a couple. 0:06:52.080 --> 0:06:54.680 And again, this is where sleep in our relationships are 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:58.120 so intertwined because who's the person that you're most likely 0:06:58.160 --> 0:07:01.640 to lash out at when you're irritable and sleep deprived. 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:04.159 Your partner, Right, you're able to rein that in a 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.520 little bit more when you're dealing with your boss, or 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:08.840 your friends or your colleagues, But it's your partner who 0:07:08.880 --> 0:07:12.720 will face the brunt of that emotional dysregulation that we 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:16.040 know stems from in part from sleep deprivation. 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:19.640 It's amazing how many fights Adam and I have been 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:24.360 together for seventeen years and how many fights we have 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:30.160 been in and sleep has never really been a topic 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:33.920 something that we should really like work on, and how 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:37.600 we sleep together. I mean, Adam and I talked about 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:39.760 briefly about, you know, snoring. 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:41.480 How do you and I? 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:45.800 VALANCHI, I'm sure do you have personal stories about all 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:46.080 of that? 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:50.520 Is somebody a snorer? Adam's a snorer? What about you? 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:54.600 Only occasionally? This guy is too, We're both snores. 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.360 What are your sleep sounds that wig each other up? 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:03.360 I am a sleep talk I am too. 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:07.960 I'll say the sleep talking is actually not a low 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:11.040 point for me. It's a high point because I think 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.880 that sleep talking is so funny and I don't sleep talk. 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.040 But growing up I was like, I hope that my 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:20.200 future partner sleep talk because I think that is just hilarious. 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:23.160 And I'm the night owl and the relationship so I'm 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:26.240 usually up later than Ty, And if I'm lucky, do. 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:26.880 You get to catch it? 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:29.120 I get to hear something weird that they say in 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.280 their sleep, a little gift, So that is a joy 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:35.440 for me. But then the snoring, I think both of 0:08:35.520 --> 0:08:37.400 us have our own qualms about. 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:37.960 The other person. 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:42.240 Yeah, I think this was actually pretty recently, Val really 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:46.800 woke me up with some loud snoring, and I was 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:52.040 very aggressive in my half awake, half asleep, like stop it. 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:56.240 But then I found out from that because that was like, 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:57.040 I can't. 0:08:57.120 --> 0:09:00.000 I love you so much, I can't. 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.480 I believe you yelled at me the one time it 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:05.120 happened because you snore every night, and I had no 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:07.080 idea that I snore every night. 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:12.439 Snoring is the disease of listeners, so it's not surprising 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:13.840 that because you were unaware. 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:16.040 Yeah, oh, that's so funny. 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:20.320 I think sometimes I hurt Katie in that I'm I 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:22.600 go to bed so much later than she does. I'm 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:26.800 like sneaking in like an international spy, like a ninja. 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:28.959 She's best laid plans. 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:31.480 Sometimes you come into bed and you just decide I 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.400 really want to snuggle her at one am. 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:35.520 This is true, but I'm talking about the times that 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:36.920 I come in like a ninja. 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:38.760 It seems to not matter. 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.200 It seems like Katie always wakes up when I come in, 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:43.280 no matter how loud I get. But I can't go 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:45.440 to bed at the same time she does. That's just 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:49.280 not in my personality. My energy is not your biology. 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:53.800 Yeah, doctor Troxel, what do you advise couples who don't 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:55.600 have same sleep schedules. 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:59.080 The reality is, just because you fall in love with 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:03.520 human being doesn't mean you're automatically biologically going to be 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:07.920 syncd up in terms of your natural, biologically driven sleep 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:11.920 wake rhythms or cir Katian rhythms. Couples may decide for 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:15.120 this reason because their schedules are so different and the 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:17.880 sleep disruption when one partner comes to bed later is 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:21.199 so disruptive. They may even choose to sleep in separate bedrooms. 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:23.360 I have a number of strategies I talk about in 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.400 my book, the first of which, honestly, for couples, it's 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:30.080 often the time you spend together in bed before one 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:32.960 of you falls asleep. That's actually a really critical and 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:36.520 sacred time in the life of a relationship. So I 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:39.120 do recommend to couples that you try to preserve some 0:10:39.760 --> 0:10:43.960 cuddle time together, that quiet time in bed, for instance, 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:47.880 before Katie you fall asleep at your natural earlier bedtime. 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:50.520 When it's time for you to go to sleep, Adam 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:51.360 leaves the room. 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:55.720 I would be so much more game of cuddling you 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:59.320 at nine nine thirty than when he tries to sometimes 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.000 do that at one or and I'm so angry that 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.280 he's interrupted my big window. 0:11:04.000 --> 0:11:05.600 When you're not exhausted quite yet. 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:10.439 Adam has no problem falling asleep at ten pm if 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:13.840 we've gotten after it. You know what I'm saying, Like seriously, 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.199 like he that is the only time he has no 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:18.800 problem falling asleep at ten or eleven is if he 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:19.800 has an orgasm. 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:21.000 Goodness, Yeah, we're going there. 0:11:21.080 --> 0:11:23.280 I'm not interested, right, I'll fall. 0:11:23.120 --> 0:11:25.560 Asleep at three pm if you want to have sex, kated. 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:29.200 I'm in a sexual mastery class for men right now, 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:32.840 you tell because I want it. During a silent auction 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:34.120 at a charity event the other. 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:37.120 Day, I made him bid on it. I was like, 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:37.800 this sounds cool. 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:39.640 Well, I was in a bidding war with my friend 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:41.319 and then it became a joke, and then it became 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:42.800 a very expensive joke. 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:45.840 But now I'm in this intense class. It's amazing. 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:48.240 Did you already start it? Yeah, kiddy, I'm a mess, 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.520 I'm a blister, Okay. 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:56.040 Doctor Troxel, what does the data say about sex life 0:11:56.440 --> 0:12:02.160 in sleeping? Does bad sleep kind of affect your sex life? 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.160 Is that related? Yes? 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:09.959 Yes, getting good quality sleep has profound impacts on our 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:14.599 sexual hormones like testosterone. In men, one study published in 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:17.000 the Journal of the American Medical Association, which is the 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:20.959 pre eminent medical journal, showed that men, healthy young men, 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:23.679 by the way, who sleep less than five hours per night, 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:27.960 showed a ten percent reduction in testosterone levels. And just 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:31.120 like to put that in perspective for you, that ten 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:34.960 percent reduction is the equivalent of aging a man hormonally 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.760 by about ten years, So a forty year old man 0:12:39.120 --> 0:12:41.520 looks a bit more like a fifty year old man. 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:45.360 In terms of this critical of reproductive hormone, we see 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:50.560 similar hormonal effects in women and also effects on the 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:54.520 frequency and enjoyment of sexual activity among women. So for 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:59.760 each hour of extra sleep a woman gets, one study 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:03.440 showed to a fourteen percent increase in her enjoyment of 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:07.080 sexual activity and frequency. So there is a profound and 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:13.319 important couple level reason to prioritize sleep in the context 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:16.600 of your relationship. Sleep is good for sex, not to 0:13:16.640 --> 0:13:21.840 mention all the emotional effects that come from being well slept. Frankly, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:26.840 you know, we're all happier, funnier, better communicators when we're 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:30.360 well slept, which is also good for one's relational life 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:31.559 and one's sex life. 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:34.280 This is a fascinating discussion and we are not done. 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:34.840 More to come. 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:44.280 We're back and I can't wait to get back to 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:47.440 this conversation with Kai and Val, our couple in Brooklyn, 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:53.800 and with sleep and Relationships expert doctor Wendy Troxel. There's 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.000 so much more that I want to find out. Kai 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:58.920 and Val, Can you tell us what's your sleeping arrangement 0:13:59.040 --> 0:13:59.680 right now? 0:14:00.240 --> 0:14:06.000 Yes, we have separate rooms, but it didn't start from snoring. 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:07.079 Let's get into that. 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:13.640 I think for various reasons, I toss and turn in 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:15.880 the middle of the night, but it's heightened when I'm 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:20.200 sharing a bed sometimes. So when that's the case, whether 0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:23.320 or not it's because of vallis snoring or like just 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:26.120 the you know, additional heat of the room because there's 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:29.400 multiple bodies in it, or lack of space to sprawl, 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:29.840 like whatever. 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:31.840 Yeah, I want to get a little bit into the 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:36.640 snitty gritty because I'm absolutely fascinated by this. I can 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:39.360 remember working on Scandal and there's an actor who will 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:42.400 remain nameless on this podcast, but I knew wasn't sleeping 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.520 in the same bed as his wife, and I was 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:48.800 like loop writing's on the wall divorce, divorce, divorce, and 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:52.920 it's like he's the worst snorer ever, Like it's awful. 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:56.760 I know this about him, and they're still married. So 0:14:56.840 --> 0:15:00.400 I'm like, okay, I think it's just amazing that you are, 0:15:00.440 --> 0:15:03.000 not that you've barreled through. 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.520 I think like at first I was sort of like 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:10.600 taken aback because I didn't really know anyone who does this, 0:15:11.600 --> 0:15:15.960 and before I was able to like fully commit to it, 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:19.160 I think I had to do some like reworking of 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:24.280 what this sort of like nuclear family norm is of 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:26.600 like what a home space is supposed to look like 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:30.160 and what a bedroom is supposed to be and represent. 0:15:30.600 --> 0:15:33.080 And I sat with that for a couple of days. 0:15:34.360 --> 0:15:36.920 I talked about it with my therapist, and I went 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.160 into therapy with the goal of, like get me out 0:15:39.160 --> 0:15:42.480 of this mindset, like in forty five minutes, I want 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:45.360 to leave feeling comfortable sharing a room with my partner 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:47.720 because something clearly must be wrong with me that this 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:51.280 is my want. And then instead, my therapist, being a 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.000 good therapist, was like, actually, this is what you want. 0:15:54.040 --> 0:15:56.440 It sounds like it's what you need, and that's okay. 0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.720 I heard the term sleep divorce and we are not married. 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:03.800 But like, the shame is real. There was a lot 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:05.640 that I had to work through when I realized that 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:08.160 this was something I wanted. And I was raised with 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:10.720 this idea that you meet someone, you fall in love, 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:13.120 and then when you move in together, you're sharing a 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:16.800 room and you're creating a home, and feeling that I 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:20.440 needed to do something differently, Suddenly I was having all 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:24.280 of these wonders about myself and if something was wrong 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:28.320 with me, when in reality, this is one of the 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:30.880 best decisions I've made, not only for myself but also 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:32.440 for my relationship. 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.600 We've heard the term sleep divorce, but that's a that's 0:16:35.640 --> 0:16:38.200 not a divorce, that's like that's helping me. 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:42.000 I know, it's such a negative connotation. It sounds horrible. 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:45.720 My question is when you're when you decide to sleep 0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:48.160 in another room, Let's say we do this, do we 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:50.479 have to create a second bedroom atmosphere? 0:16:50.600 --> 0:16:52.400 Yeah, Valanchai, what are you doing? 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:54.520 I need to know how often you're sleeping together, how 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:57.240 often you're sleeping apart? And also are we scheduling when 0:16:57.320 --> 0:17:02.280 we have sex? Like, tell me how did works. 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:06.800 Weekdays pretty much are in our own rooms. And then 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:11.000 weekends are in like one of each of our beds, 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.800 and we try to switch off. The goal was to 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:16.800 make sure that it doesn't feel like there's like that 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:19.439 one of our rooms becomes like the main room and 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:20.800 the others is like the backup. 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:23.959 Right, when you do decide to meet up, it's always 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:25.320 in Kai's. 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.560 Room, or it's always in Value room, right right. 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:31.040 And I tend to have a more anxious attachment style. 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:34.160 And I have never really had my own bedroom. I've 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.840 always been sharing it with like a sibling or a parent. 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.679 And so for me, it's a new practice for me 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:42.560 to learn how like if I wake up in the 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:44.760 middle of the night from a nightmare, but I can 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:47.840 go and like crawl into VAL's bed and be comforted. 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:52.480 But also sometimes I'll wake up and be like having 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:55.679 this new new to me challenge of how do I 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:59.480 sue myself from this like nightmare has brought me this 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.800 set and of confidence in my ability to care for 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.720 myself and be with myself. And I think not to 0:18:05.760 --> 0:18:07.800 speak for you, correct me if I'm wrong, but like 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:12.520 Val tends to air a little bit more towards avoidance, and. 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:16.600 So are I see you Val, I see you nice 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:19.879 vow nice, Yeah, Adam, Adam will see you right there? 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:22.000 I see you, Adam. 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:27.159 And so the fact that we schedule sleepovers and are 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:30.399 intentional about it, I think also doesn't like give you 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:34.280 a reason to keep too much to yourself and to 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:36.920 have like that nice sense of like young people in 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:39.760 a relationship and being in almost like in community with 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:40.200 each other. 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:41.160 That's really great. 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.600 See what I worry about is the interesting I worried about. 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:46.840 Does it affect the sex life? Yes, doctor Troxel. What 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:52.000 does the data say about sex life and sleeping in 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:52.880 different rooms? 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:54.800 Are those two things even related? 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:59.600 For many couples, sex and good sex is actually scheduled. 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:01.720 It happen when it fits into your life, and you 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:05.040 have to be intentional about that. So just because a 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:08.800 couple doesn't choose to actually spend the night sleeping together 0:19:09.160 --> 0:19:12.639 does not mean it's going to have a negative impact 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:16.320 on their sexual activity. And in fact, as Valanchine mentioned, 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:20.280 in the particular sleeping arrangement that works for them in 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:23.520 their relationship, I hear that there's this sort of freshness 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:27.440 of the separate bedrooms and then having sort of these 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.560 reunions on the weekends in either of their rooms that 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:33.919 can be very sexy and very fresh within a couple. 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:35.040 Oh wow. Yeah. 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:39.520 Usually weekends are lately, as we're getting back into the 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:41.960 swing of things, are when we have sex. 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:43.080 Because it's also. 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:45.840 Like I know with my work schedule that like I 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:48.840 don't have to be like brain is moving in work 0:19:48.880 --> 0:19:52.679 mode and that we're already planning to sleep in the 0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:56.440 same room. But also there is a cool element since 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:58.359 we don't always sleep in the same room of like 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:01.720 spontaneity too, and if both of us are into it, 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:05.399 then there's kind of this this fun almost this like 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:08.960 it feels like you're like, uh, getting to getting to 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:12.359 jump back into like the early stages of our relationship 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:14.840 where I can like I can come over and I 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:18.560 can decide that like absolutely I wanna you know, we're 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:20.680 making out and we'll see what it turns into and 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:22.480 like that feels really cool too. 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:25.520 Or there were times there's sometimes where like we are 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.440 intimate and then Bell was like okay and good nights, 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:31.320