Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back, Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners,
Speaker 1: old listeners. It's all about the listeners today. Wherever you
Speaker 1: are in the world, it is so great to have
Speaker 1: you here back for another special special episode as we
Speaker 1: break down the Psychology of your twenties. It is coming
Speaker 1: to the end of twenty twenty four, only a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks away from the start of a new year,
Speaker 1: and with that in mind, I wanted one of the
Speaker 1: final episodes of the year to be something special, to
Speaker 1: be something a little bit different, and to be something
Speaker 1: that included you, all the listeners, You who have tuned
Speaker 1: in every single episode, You guys who have supported me
Speaker 1: so much this year and who have been in my
Speaker 1: corner as I announced my new book, as the show grew,
Speaker 1: as I traveled, when we did meetups. All of the
Speaker 1: best parts.
Speaker 2: Of this year really did include the community and included
Speaker 2: all of you who have just really been enjoying the
Speaker 2: show and been showing your love and support, and I thought,
Speaker 2: why not thank you guys. Why not thank you guys
Speaker 2: by making you one of the guests of our December
Speaker 2: guest segment, by giving the listeners an opportunity to come
Speaker 2: on to be the guest, to have their voices heard
Speaker 2: by other listeners, and also to answer some of your
Speaker 2: twenty something dilemmas. I get so many messages and dms
Speaker 2: every single day recounting some of the things that you
Speaker 2: guys are all going through through, some of the really
Speaker 2: confusing trials and tribulations and barriers that you're facing, and
Speaker 2: breakups that you're going through, and friendships that are falling apart,
Speaker 2: and careers that are uncertain, so many questions, and just
Speaker 2: by the very nature of you know, having a large community,
Speaker 2: which I'm very grateful for, it means that I can't
Speaker 2: always get back to every single one of you. I
Speaker 2: can't give you the personal, individualized advice that I would
Speaker 2: love to be able to give. But it doesn't mean
Speaker 2: that these requests and you know, when you guys share
Speaker 2: these stories with me, it doesn't go unnoticed. So today
Speaker 2: I thought, why not dedicate a whole episode to answering
Speaker 2: some of those dilemmas to answering some of the questions
Speaker 2: that you guys have been asking me all year about
Speaker 2: your own lives, and also getting to hear your voices
Speaker 2: on the show, of course. So I asked you all
Speaker 2: to send in your biggest dilemmas that you are facing
Speaker 2: right now, the biggest problems that you're encounter the place
Speaker 2: is where you feel stuck, the place is where you
Speaker 2: feel behind, to send in voice notes detailing exactly what
Speaker 2: it is you're going through, and I'm going to answer them.
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you all of my advice, the
Speaker 2: advice that I would give my best friends, the advice
Speaker 2: that I would give you if we were friends and
Speaker 2: meeting in person over coffee. So I really really hope
Speaker 2: that you enjoy this episode, and I want to give
Speaker 2: a huge shout out to everyone who sent in a
Speaker 2: voice message. First of all, there were just so many
Speaker 2: of them, so we did listen to them all, and
Speaker 2: they were all of you are so eloquent, first of all,
Speaker 2: so intelligent, and all the dilemmas were things that I
Speaker 2: was like, Wow, we've all got a lot on our plate,
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for sending them through. I
Speaker 2: chose seven seven of the dilemmas that I felt would
Speaker 2: resonate with you all the most, but also which resonated
Speaker 2: with me. So I hope that you enjoy this episode
Speaker 2: and specifically hearing from people just like you are the
Speaker 2: listeners of the show. Without further ado, I say, we
Speaker 2: get into this special limited edition special version of the podcast,
Speaker 2: the Listener episode of twenty twenty four. Let's get into it.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna get right into it and play one
Speaker 2: of the very first voice notes that we received.
Speaker 3: First off, I love you and your podcast and everything
Speaker 3: that you do for the community. Second, I've been dating
Speaker 3: this guy for about seven eight months, and sometimes I
Speaker 3: feel like I'm asking a lot from him emotionally, and
Speaker 3: he does it, but it still gives me a lot
Speaker 3: of anxiety to ask, how would you cope with that?
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your question, and also, I'm
Speaker 2: so glad that you are loving the show. That honestly
Speaker 2: makes me feel very, very happy. I think this is
Speaker 2: a hard dilemma, right. Communicating our emotions is always difficult
Speaker 2: because A Sometimes we feel like with the right person
Speaker 2: we shouldn't have to B Sometimes we feel like we
Speaker 2: are over asking and say you know, so it's never
Speaker 2: easy being vulnerable, even with people that we really really
Speaker 2: care about. I think my interpretation of your dilemma is
Speaker 2: that you feel bad for having to ask, and you
Speaker 2: feel like you're putting a lot on his plate, but
Speaker 2: also you feel like maybe you shouldn't have to. I
Speaker 2: think that having to ask what you want from someone emotionally,
Speaker 2: or having to maybe really highlight to them what you
Speaker 2: need from them when you need them, when you need them,
Speaker 2: when you need it from them, that's probably a better
Speaker 2: way of saying it. I actually think that's a really
Speaker 2: really healthy part of a relationship, and it can feel
Speaker 2: exhausting to have to do it over and over again.
Speaker 2: And I do think that it does get to a
Speaker 2: point where perhaps you need to be considering whether someone
Speaker 2: is actually learning from your moments of vulnerability and learning
Speaker 2: from the times that you are communicating. But being seven
Speaker 2: to eight months into a relationship, you are still firmly
Speaker 2: in the learning phase of the relationship. Some people call
Speaker 2: it the honeymoon phase, right, but I call it the
Speaker 2: learning phase. This is when you are really getting to
Speaker 2: know the other person, and of course you're getting to
Speaker 2: know all the really really fun stuff, right like, oh,
Speaker 2: what do your parents do for a living? That's not
Speaker 2: very fun. I don't know why that's the first thing
Speaker 2: that came to my mind, But you know, when did
Speaker 2: you When was the first time you broke an arm?
Speaker 2: And what did you want to be when you're a kid,
Speaker 2: and what's your biggest ambition? And where do you want
Speaker 2: to travel? You're learning all those like factoids about them
Speaker 2: or the trivia, and then you're also learning the deeper stuff,
Speaker 2: the deeper stuff like their insecurities, like the times they've
Speaker 2: been hurt, and like how they need you to show
Speaker 2: up for them emotionally. So right now, I actually think
Speaker 2: that it's quite normal for you to have to communicate
Speaker 2: and ask, and I don't want you to feel like
Speaker 2: you're being a burden for doing that. In fact, the
Speaker 2: right person, that should be something that they want to know.
Speaker 2: That should be something that they are actually interested in
Speaker 2: learning from you, because it means that they can show
Speaker 2: up for you in the future and they can continue
Speaker 2: to make the relationship work by being a good partner.
Speaker 2: That's really the core part of this, right So, if
Speaker 2: this is the right person a, I don't think that
Speaker 2: they'll mind. I think that hopefully they will continue to
Speaker 2: want to learn even in five, ten, twenty years. If
Speaker 2: that's where the relationship takes you back to your anxiety
Speaker 2: about having to ask. I kind of interpreted in this
Speaker 2: two ways, like a I shouldn't have to ask because
Speaker 2: I shouldn't he should know, which I think no one
Speaker 2: ever knows. We kind of covered that before. The only
Speaker 2: way you know. No one's a mind reader, even people
Speaker 2: who are cell mates, so it takes a while to
Speaker 2: start to get a good read on someone else's emotions.
Speaker 2: But that second component of your anxiety is I don't
Speaker 2: want to be a burden, right, And I think that
Speaker 2: that anxiety really comes from previous instances and previous relationships
Speaker 2: where you were made to feel like your vulnerability was
Speaker 2: a weight that someone else didn't want to carry. And
Speaker 2: that can be in obviously a family relationship, say, for example,
Speaker 2: you were the child who maybe was ignored, maybe your
Speaker 2: parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, so big displays of emotion
Speaker 2: and vulnerability weren't really accounted for. Or maybe it was
Speaker 2: inn a friendship or an early relationship where you would
Speaker 2: come to someone with your emotions and with your vulnerability
Speaker 2: and they would be dismissive I think that that is
Speaker 2: really a big origin for a lot of our almost
Speaker 2: guilt and embarrassment for sharing our emotions, and that's something
Speaker 2: that we really have to unlearn in our twenties because
Speaker 2: if we continue to live in that space in our
Speaker 2: mind that says we are the problem for being emotional beings,
Speaker 2: we actually a never really get to connect with anyone
Speaker 2: else and be we do ourselves a huge disservice. Part
Speaker 2: of unlearning that is actually doing the thing that feels
Speaker 2: the hardest, which is just being vulnerable and being honest
Speaker 2: and essentially giving our emotions to other people asking for
Speaker 2: help and not allowing ourselves to feel rejected if they
Speaker 2: don't respond the proper way, instead knowing that maybe that
Speaker 2: person isn't right for you, but also knowing that the
Speaker 2: right person will not feel burdened by that at all.
Speaker 2: So it's really about going against everything that perhaps you've
Speaker 2: been taught or you've learnt or you've seen that says
Speaker 2: hide these things away and choosing to very radically do
Speaker 2: the absolute opposite and make it very very visible. So
Speaker 2: it's a very common situation I think people find themselves
Speaker 2: in in the early stages of relationship. You know, what
Speaker 2: is too much, what is too emotional, what is too loud?
Speaker 2: What can I share? What can I share? My biggest
Speaker 2: piece of advice is to share whatever is going on
Speaker 2: in your mind, to let people love you, give them
Speaker 2: the gift of getting to care for you and also
Speaker 2: being quite graceful and forgiving as they learn to adapt
Speaker 2: to your unique states and your unique way of seeing
Speaker 2: the world. So good luck in your relationship. I like
Speaker 2: that he does it. I think that that's an amazing sign,
Speaker 2: and just wishing you lots of lots of love and happiness.
Speaker 2: All right, let's move on to my next question.
Speaker 4: Hi, So there's a little bit of backstory to this.
Speaker 4: I went to college for art and I am a printmaker.
Speaker 4: I graduated from art school in twenty twenty two and
Speaker 4: I've been working different jobs since then. And about four
Speaker 4: months ago I started working as a hairstylist after like
Speaker 4: a year of a training. So before the I started
Speaker 4: doing hair I didn't have a creative job, and I
Speaker 4: was still able to do my art on the side
Speaker 4: a little bit more. But now that I'm working in
Speaker 4: a creative field, I really don't have the urge to
Speaker 4: work on my printmaking anymore. I will have ideas for
Speaker 4: like stuff I want to make, and I'll think, oh,
Speaker 4: this would be super cool, let me write it down.
Speaker 4: And then sometimes I'll like sit down and be like, Okay,
Speaker 4: today I'm doing I'm working on art, and I'll only
Speaker 4: make it like thirty minutes before I'm just so like
Speaker 4: bored of the activity and not inspired anymore. And I'm
Speaker 4: trying to not force myself to do it because then
Speaker 4: I just feel even more resentment from the activity.
Speaker 5: But yeah, I'd love to hear if.
Speaker 4: You have any advice or know any psychology that could
Speaker 4: you know help me get out of this little rut
Speaker 4: I'm in.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Alivishaw.
Speaker 2: This is such a great question. Also, your voice is
Speaker 2: just so cute, Like I just love the tone of
Speaker 2: your voice. I like heard this voice not and I
Speaker 2: was like, go, she sounds so like fun and peppy
Speaker 2: and lovely. But back to your question, I would bet
Speaker 2: good money on the fact that what you were experiencing
Speaker 2: is creative burnout. And I have been there. I have
Speaker 2: done that. I have got the T shirt, working in
Speaker 2: a creative space with printmaking, with hairdressing. If you're an artist,
Speaker 2: if you're a dancer, if you're a musician. It is
Speaker 2: exhausting because your creativity is derived from so much more
Speaker 2: than just what you can physically do. It's derived from
Speaker 2: where you're at emotionally, how you feel physically, how you
Speaker 2: feel mentally, how you feel about your life. And that
Speaker 2: is why it is such a hard career to have,
Speaker 2: because you really do have to be almost fully in it,
Speaker 2: fully immersed fully embracing your medium in order to feel
Speaker 2: inspired and to feel like you want to make something.
Speaker 2: I think the big turning point for you was probably
Speaker 2: starting the hair dressing job, right that is also equally
Speaker 2: quite a demanding job creatively and visually and esthetically and
Speaker 2: also time wise. I think perhaps a lot of the
Speaker 2: energy that you had previously reserved for printmaking is now
Speaker 2: being given to hairdressing. This thing is taking a bigger
Speaker 2: slice of your brain. It's taking up more of the
Speaker 2: pie and all the energy that you previously and all
Speaker 2: the inspiration as well, and all of the perhaps even
Speaker 2: the emotional resources that you used to devote to printmaking
Speaker 2: into this creative form of expression is kind of being
Speaker 2: dominated by hairdressing. In the way that you're making money.
Speaker 2: That is also a really common and difficult dilemma with
Speaker 2: anyone who works in a creative space. It's the kind
Speaker 2: of toss up between I need to make money from this,
Speaker 2: but also I need to be inspired. And being inspired
Speaker 2: requires rest, and it requires introspection, and it requires time
Speaker 2: devoted to my craft. It's very hard to find a
Speaker 2: way that you can have both. That you can get
Speaker 2: paid to make art and still love it, and so
Speaker 2: a lot of people do seek alternatives and do seek
Speaker 2: other careers, and you know that aren't their primary medium
Speaker 2: to make money. And I think that that's really explaining
Speaker 2: what you're going through right now. So creative burnout, that's
Speaker 2: really what we're getting at. What I want you to
Speaker 2: focus on, and you're already doing this is not creating. Actually,
Speaker 2: what I want you to focus on is just being inspired.
Speaker 2: The next six months, all I want you to do
Speaker 2: is focus on finding things that inspire you. And it
Speaker 2: doesn't even have to do with printmaking. Things that inspire joy,
Speaker 2: stories that pop into your mind that you're like, wow,
Speaker 2: that's that's kind of funny. Little things that you see
Speaker 2: on the street that make you laugh or make you think.
Speaker 2: A beautiful sunset, a beautiful autumn tree. I don't know
Speaker 2: a beautiful steam rising from your coffee. Just be inspired.
Speaker 2: That is what you're in the business of, because being
Speaker 2: inspired takes up a lot less energy than being physically
Speaker 2: creative and having to put pen to paper or I
Speaker 2: guess scalpel to scalpel to linoleum. I don't really know
Speaker 2: how printmaking works, really, but I want that to be
Speaker 2: your primary goal right now, to just be inspired. What
Speaker 2: I tend to find is that when we focus on inspiration,
Speaker 2: our desire to create gets bigger and bigger and bigger
Speaker 2: because we're putting more fuel on the fire. Right, we
Speaker 2: have more things that we want to make into something
Speaker 2: physical that we want to be able to show people.
Speaker 2: And so the more creative and inspirational and motivational wood
Speaker 2: that you stack up, the more things that you see,
Speaker 2: I think begins to push you and begins to almost
Speaker 2: relight the fire that makes you want to create. So
Speaker 2: what's going to eventually happen? And this is what's happened
Speaker 2: to me before? Or is that when I start looking
Speaker 2: for inspiration rather than putting pressure on myself to actually
Speaker 2: make something, Eventually I get to a tipping point where
Speaker 2: I'm like, something comes along that I have trained myself
Speaker 2: to look for that really like sets a spark in me,
Speaker 2: or eventually I'm just like, I just need to make
Speaker 2: something that all all that energy that I've been saving
Speaker 2: up through inspiration comes crashing down and suddenly like I'm
Speaker 2: awakened again and I'm alive again and i want to
Speaker 2: be making stuff. I'll also say, sometimes these things come
Speaker 2: and go right sometimes, people, do you know, there's authors
Speaker 2: who don't write for decades at a time. There are
Speaker 2: artists who don't make any new works for years. There
Speaker 2: are songwriters who you know, stop making music for two
Speaker 2: decades and then they come back to their craft because
Speaker 2: something calls them back. So maybe you're just in a
Speaker 2: period of waiting at the moment. You're just in a
Speaker 2: period of having different priorities, of not feeling as attached
Speaker 2: and in love with what you have trained to do,
Speaker 2: and that is okay. It doesn't mean that you've lost
Speaker 2: it forever. The one thing I've learned about creativity is
Speaker 2: it doesn't like to be forced. It does not like
Speaker 2: to be a chore, and it most certainly does not
Speaker 2: like to be something that you have to squeeze out
Speaker 2: of yourself. It should flow, it should come naturally. And
Speaker 2: if that's not the case right now, maybe you need
Speaker 2: to retreat backwards a little bit and just let it rest.
Speaker 2: And there's nothing wrong with doing that. You won't lose it.
Speaker 2: You won't you leave it and never return. And even
Speaker 2: if you do, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you're
Speaker 2: making space for something else. So to summarize what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: search for inspiration. Don't force yourself to create, because that
Speaker 2: is the creativity hates being forced. It's never a good sign.
Speaker 2: And give yourself some space to explore other things and
Speaker 2: to just let your creativity and to let your skills
Speaker 2: just sit for a while, marinate, just have a little
Speaker 2: bit of a break. But yeah, I'm really really rooting
Speaker 2: for you, and it's something that I've experienced before and
Speaker 2: I've come at the other side. So you're not going
Speaker 2: to lose it. Don't worry. And maybe this is a
Speaker 2: good time to see that your identity is made of more,
Speaker 2: could be made of more. All right, We're going to
Speaker 2: take a short break and then we will return to
Speaker 2: hear more of your twenty something dilemmas. Stay with us.
Speaker 2: We are back with Morelissa and a dilemmas. Let's see
Speaker 2: from this next person.
Speaker 6: Hi, Jimma, I'm in my mental late twenties and I
Speaker 6: just can't help but feeling like I have to choose
Speaker 6: between owning a house or continuing to travel. My husband
Speaker 6: and I both have really good paying jobs with college degrees,
Speaker 6: and I still feel like we're not doing as well
Speaker 6: as we should be. We've spent quite a bit of
Speaker 6: time and money traveling, which I absolutely don't regret, but
Speaker 6: in doing so, we have made sacrifices. We live in
Speaker 6: the US and have lived in a one bedroom apartment
Speaker 6: in the Midwest for about three years, and rent just
Speaker 6: keeps going up. But I'm anxious because I feel like
Speaker 6: once we buy a house, our ability to travel will
Speaker 6: significantly decrease. I can't help but feeling like, although we
Speaker 6: should be well off, we'll have to give up travel
Speaker 6: for a house, or give up a house to continue
Speaker 6: to travel.
Speaker 5: All of my friends are in the same boat too.
Speaker 5: My parents and my husband's parents don't seem to understand
Speaker 5: why we still don't have a house, and I just
Speaker 5: get discouraged every time I try and explain how different
Speaker 5: times are from when they bought their first house. Is
Speaker 5: it even possible to travel? And own a house successfully
Speaker 5: in your twenties or am I just setting unrealistic expectations?
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, what a big question. And you know what,
Speaker 2: at face value, it looks like it's about, you know,
Speaker 2: horme ownership versus travel, But it's about so much more
Speaker 2: than that. You already mentioned one of those things your
Speaker 2: parents and your husband's parents not understanding that the priorities
Speaker 2: of this generation are a whole lot different. No longer
Speaker 2: is property ownership and starting a family really young and
Speaker 2: just slowly going up the corporate career ladder what most
Speaker 2: people want. We are such a privileged generation where we
Speaker 2: see opportunities out there. We see the opportunity to travel.
Speaker 2: That's something a lot of us are embracing, especially in
Speaker 2: many ways, because things like you know, traditional markers of
Speaker 2: success like home ownership are just not possible. They just
Speaker 2: don't seem as doable anymore. And it feels like they
Speaker 2: cost us a lot more than the money. They also
Speaker 2: cost us experiences, and they cost us flexibility, and they
Speaker 2: cost us a life that we would want to live.
Speaker 2: I am in the same boat. I'm going to be
Speaker 2: completely honest. I don't know anyone around me who is
Speaker 2: thinking about home ownership. Obviously, I live in Sydney, which
Speaker 2: is like the second most expensive city in the world.
Speaker 2: But if you live in any large city, I think
Speaker 2: it's something that really comes up. Why would I continue
Speaker 2: to so potentially save for a house that I might
Speaker 2: be able to buy. That's just going to put me
Speaker 2: in so much debt i might not even be able
Speaker 2: to do it, and I'm going to have to give
Speaker 2: up a life that I actually really really want. So
Speaker 2: this is how I think you should reframe this question
Speaker 2: in your mind. Why do you want a house? Genuine question?
Speaker 2: I know you mentioned that your rent is increasing, It's
Speaker 2: likely that you know your house might be just as expensive.
Speaker 2: But is it because you want to put money towards
Speaker 2: something you own? Why do you want it? Is it
Speaker 2: because it's what everyone has told you you need to
Speaker 2: have by a certain time? Is that why you want
Speaker 2: the house? Is it because the house and having a
Speaker 2: house and getting to decorate it and having a place
Speaker 2: that's your own. Is that actually your dream? Is it
Speaker 2: for the financial stability of not having to pay rent?
Speaker 1: I want you to.
Speaker 2: Really think about why you really want to own a
Speaker 2: property and whether that why is the biggest why in
Speaker 2: your life right now? Is the reason you want to
Speaker 2: buy a property? The most important thing to you is
Speaker 2: financial stability. The most important thing to you is having
Speaker 2: a stable place to live. The most important thing to
Speaker 2: you or is it travel? Is it still being in
Speaker 2: this flexible, adaptable eerror of your life? Is it still
Speaker 2: having the opportunity to put the money that you would
Speaker 2: otherwise put towards a property towards new experiences? So I
Speaker 2: really want you to think, what are your motivations, because
Speaker 2: you know the opportunity to buy a house that is
Speaker 2: always going to be there in some form or another. Yes,
Speaker 2: your financial situation might change, but I don't think that
Speaker 2: travel will always be there. You know, when you are
Speaker 2: seventy eighty ninety, you are maybe going to look back
Speaker 2: at this time in your life and think, gosh, why
Speaker 2: did we feel so pressure to do this traditional thing
Speaker 2: and to follow this blueprint? And we gave up something
Speaker 2: that we weren't done with yet. We weren't done with
Speaker 2: the travel, We weren't done with this freedom and this
Speaker 2: period of our life. There are, also, of course alternatives,
Speaker 2: and obviously I'm not going to give you any financial advice,
Speaker 2: but you could buy somewhere else cheaper, and then you
Speaker 2: could keep traveling, or you could use you know, you
Speaker 2: could buy a property and then use it as a
Speaker 2: rental for the next two years, and then maybe even
Speaker 2: live with your parents so that you could still have
Speaker 2: that little nest egg that house and still be able
Speaker 2: to travel. Not that I'm really like promoting becoming a landlord,
Speaker 2: but you know what I mean, Like, there are options
Speaker 2: that you could do both. You could also move out
Speaker 2: of your current apartment and move somewhere perhaps a little
Speaker 2: bit more regional. I think you said you lived in
Speaker 2: New York, Like you could move upstates so that you
Speaker 2: could do travel around those parts whilst still paying less rent.
Speaker 2: So there are alternatives. But I really think that you
Speaker 2: need to consider why it is you want to buy
Speaker 2: a house and whether that is the most important thing
Speaker 2: to you right now, whether buying a house is going
Speaker 2: to really align with the priorities of this chapter in
Speaker 2: your life more so than other alternatives, and then go
Speaker 2: from there. But yeah, you're definitely not alone in that one.
Speaker 2: I have just kind of completely given up the prospect,
Speaker 2: to be completely honest, I'm like, why not have fun?
Speaker 2: And some people might call that doom spending and might
Speaker 2: say that that's poor financial literacy or that I'm making
Speaker 2: the wrong choices, But I think at the end of
Speaker 2: the day, it's just so implausible that this generation, all
Speaker 2: of us, could have the same opportunities that our parents
Speaker 2: and their parents had to buy property and to then
Speaker 2: still be able to have the little luxuries that we want.
Speaker 2: So as a generation, our priorities are changing, and that
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that those priorities are wrong. So best of luck,
Speaker 2: Keep me updated dm me on Instagram. I want to
Speaker 2: know what you end up doing. I'm very invested. All right,
Speaker 2: let's jump into another question from one of you lovely
Speaker 2: lovely listeners.
Speaker 1: Hi.
Speaker 7: There, So, my twenty somethings dilemma is that I feel
Speaker 7: overwhelmed by the amount of options or directions that I
Speaker 7: can choose to pursue. I feel overwhelmed because I'm scared
Speaker 7: I don't choose the correct one. I'm scared I choose
Speaker 7: the wrong one and I end up wasting my potential there.
Speaker 7: And I'm also scared that not only do I end
Speaker 7: up wasting my potential there, I end up wasting time there.
Speaker 7: That like everything feels like it needs to get done
Speaker 7: in a rash. It feels like everything has a timeline,
Speaker 7: even though it doesn't, it feels like it a lot
Speaker 7: of the times, and that's what I'm ultimately scared of
Speaker 7: choosing the wrong like pursuit and waste my potential and
Speaker 7: my time and not feeling fulfilled.
Speaker 2: The first thing i want to say to this dilemma
Speaker 2: is that I'm assuming ninety five, maybe even one hundred
Speaker 2: percent of us feeling the exact same way. What I
Speaker 2: want to tell you is this, I really think that
Speaker 2: your twenties are for exploring, and then your thirties and
Speaker 2: even your forties are for deciding. So I know it
Speaker 2: feels like you need to make a lot of really
Speaker 2: big important decisions right now, and you need to stay
Speaker 2: with those decisions and be loyal to those decisions. That
Speaker 2: is totally not the case. I think that even within
Speaker 2: this decade, how I've begun my twenties was so different
Speaker 2: to what I was doing in like my mid early
Speaker 2: mid twenties, to what I'm doing in my mid twenties.
Speaker 2: Right there is fluidity there. Things do change, and so
Speaker 2: I think what you're really struggling with, though, is you
Speaker 2: know you're at this starting line and there is all
Speaker 2: these branches stemming out, stemming out from where you are,
Speaker 2: and it's the classic Sylvia Plath fig Tory analogy. At
Speaker 2: the end of every branch is this beautiful piece of fruit.
Speaker 2: You know, you could be a doctor, you could be
Speaker 2: a mother, you could be a lawyer, you could be traveling,
Speaker 2: you could be a musician, you could start your own business,
Speaker 2: you could go back to school. There is a million
Speaker 2: different alternative lives and every one of them feels just
Speaker 2: as appealing, and you don't know which one to choose,
Speaker 2: and it feels like you can only choose one. You
Speaker 2: can actually do it all, you just can't do it
Speaker 2: all at once. So choose whichever path feels best to
Speaker 2: you right now, knowing that you can change. And what
Speaker 2: I really want to impress is that there is no
Speaker 2: such thing as a wrong choice. Time is actually not
Speaker 2: something that you can waste. You know, it's not a
Speaker 2: waste if you're having an expence. And so what I
Speaker 2: really want you to focus on moving forward is not
Speaker 2: what do I want to do? What do I want
Speaker 2: to achieve? What do I want to experience? Because that
Speaker 2: is what your twenties are about right now? What do
Speaker 2: I actually want to see feel hear do with my
Speaker 2: life and just choose one pathway that feels like it's
Speaker 2: going to get you closest to whatever that is. And
Speaker 2: here's the thing, there is no one right pathway. I
Speaker 2: think the other thing that we really toss up is,
Speaker 2: and it really came up with that last question as well,
Speaker 2: is the pool between doing something that is traditional, conventional,
Speaker 2: expected of us and doing something that maybe we want
Speaker 2: to do more that's less traditional and more free and flexible,
Speaker 2: and that might be a little bit more risky and scary.
Speaker 2: Which one of those things appeals to us the most.
Speaker 2: You have to go with your gut and you have
Speaker 2: to go with your heart. I think especially the privilege
Speaker 2: of your twenties is that you can make miss stakes
Speaker 2: and that you know time is not wasted at all.
Speaker 2: Think of this as like your experimental decade. You know,
Speaker 2: it doesn't really matter till you start your thirties and
Speaker 2: you have experiences right as long as you are doing
Speaker 2: something that you care about, that is going to put
Speaker 2: you on a good path, even if you decide that
Speaker 2: you want to change later on. And I'll give you
Speaker 2: the example of what I'm doing right now. I started
Speaker 2: out my twenties, having absolutely no idea what I wanted
Speaker 2: to do, and I was in your position. I think
Speaker 2: that I probably had the exact same thoughts that you had.
Speaker 2: How do I know? How can I be sure? How
Speaker 2: am I going to do this right? And I also
Speaker 2: just felt really lost and I feel felt really really scared.
Speaker 2: So I just went with the thing that felt best
Speaker 2: at the time, knowing that I was going to learn
Speaker 2: something from that. And I became a management consultant, which
Speaker 2: no one knows what that is, because you know, it's
Speaker 2: a weird job. It's like an everything job. But I
Speaker 2: became a management consultant. I worked a corporate career, and
Speaker 2: for you know, the first two three years of my twenties,
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, I'm just going to work really hard.
Speaker 2: I'm and hustle really hard, and I'm going to move
Speaker 2: up the career ladder in this firm. And then I
Speaker 2: started this podcast. And I started the podcast because it
Speaker 2: was fun and because I realized that I just wanted
Speaker 2: to do something and I wanted to do something creative
Speaker 2: and to express myself. And then suddenly that became bigger
Speaker 2: than my corporate job. And now this is what I
Speaker 2: do full time. I never could have expected that. But
Speaker 2: the thing that was really important was that I didn't
Speaker 2: see any experience as a waste, and I didn't I
Speaker 2: didn't tie myself down to one path, and that was
Speaker 2: important when something was pulling me off that path, because
Speaker 2: I let myself float with it. So just choose whatever
Speaker 2: feels most important to you right now, knowing that you
Speaker 2: can change, knowing that time is not a waste, knowing
Speaker 2: that every experience gives you something. And I use the
Speaker 2: things I learned in my corporate job still to this day,
Speaker 2: and I don't think I would be as you're successful,
Speaker 2: or making the right business decisions or making the right
Speaker 2: career decisions if I hadn't had that previous experience in
Speaker 2: a more corporate world. So you are going to be okay,
Speaker 2: You're going to make the right choice. Good luck. I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm saying this at the end, but at
Speaker 2: the end of every question, but I do just see
Speaker 2: myself reflected in all of these, So good luck, It's
Speaker 2: going to be okay, I promise you. All right. Second
Speaker 2: last question, let's hear from another listener.
Speaker 8: My twenties dilemma is almost reaching my thirties and wondering
Speaker 8: if I will be going through the same patterns, same
Speaker 8: experiences in knowing how I can navigate it without this podcast.
Speaker 2: I know that the name of this podcast is obviously
Speaker 2: the Psychology of your twenties, but you would be surprised
Speaker 2: how many questions I get about our thirties. Am I
Speaker 2: going to do the Psychology of your thirties? Or questions
Speaker 2: or even listeners who are in their thirties? So I
Speaker 2: think first things first. As much as like the name
Speaker 2: of this podcast as twenties, I love when people listen
Speaker 2: who are in their thirties, forties, fifties. One of the
Speaker 2: best messages I ever received was from someone in their
Speaker 2: sixties actually, who was like, oh, it was my situationship episode,
Speaker 2: and she was like, I've I just realized that this
Speaker 2: relationship I had with a man was this, and you've
Speaker 2: given me the words to articulate it. So there is
Speaker 2: no age limit to this podcast. I also think that
Speaker 2: it's totally okay if you're still going through the same
Speaker 2: things in your thirties, because really, what is your thirties
Speaker 2: other than just a new chapter?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Is it really that different to go from twenty nine
Speaker 2: to thirty than to go from twenty five to twenty six,
Speaker 2: like you're only a day older at a time, only
Speaker 2: a day older at a time, and learning and learning
Speaker 2: and learning. The other thing I want to say about
Speaker 2: our thirties is that the other night I had a
Speaker 2: couple of friends over for like Christmas drinks, holiday drinks,
Speaker 2: and all of them were in their thirties, and I
Speaker 2: I was like, you know, I'm looking at all these people,
Speaker 2: and I admire every single one of your lives. Turning
Speaker 2: thirty and having the life of any single one of
Speaker 2: these friends of mine I would be so insanely happy about.
Speaker 2: And actually what I was like, what's your advice? I
Speaker 2: was thinking about this question, and I was like, what's
Speaker 2: your advice? Also, because I want that advice. I want
Speaker 2: my thirties to look like these people I admire. And
Speaker 2: one of my friends was basically just like, it's really
Speaker 2: not that different. You just do more for yourself. She
Speaker 2: was like, all the pressure that you used to face,
Speaker 2: it seems to almost slide away, and you take everything
Speaker 2: that you've learned from your twenties and you're finally able
Speaker 2: to apply it. So I think that that's something to
Speaker 2: be really optimistic about. The other thing. I want to say,
Speaker 2: every single person that I know in their thirties just
Speaker 2: gets hotter and brighter and more intelligent and more self
Speaker 2: assured every single year, Like every single one of them.
Speaker 2: I'm like, you just get more beautiful and more self
Speaker 2: assured everything like you are just you are, just with age,
Speaker 2: becoming more yourself and more brilliant. And I just think
Speaker 2: that that actually gives me something to look forward to.
Speaker 2: I don't know, I'm just actually I'm pretty excited to
Speaker 2: turn thirty, to be honest, and I know it will
Speaker 2: be the end of an error. And people always ask
Speaker 2: me if I'm going to do the Psychology of your thirties.
Speaker 2: I really don't know. Maybe by that point I'll be
Speaker 2: ready for something new. But regardless, I know that I'll
Speaker 2: be excited about it because it is a whole new decade.
Speaker 2: And how amazing that you turn thirty and then you're
Speaker 2: at the start of a whole new something. It's like
Speaker 2: you're turning twenty one again. You've got this whole new
Speaker 2: decade and chapter to look forward to. And I always
Speaker 2: think about this Reese Witherspoon interview and it's very, very random,
Speaker 2: but it was her interviewing some up and coming actress
Speaker 2: and the actress goes, oh, I'm thirty two, and Reese
Speaker 2: is like, you're such a baby. You are such a baby.
Speaker 2: She's like, I didn't know anything at thirty two. I
Speaker 2: was just beginning, and you know, she was already pretty
Speaker 2: a pretty prominent actress. But I think that what that
Speaker 2: really showed me was that you are always young at heart,
Speaker 2: and you're always going to be younger than the next generation.
Speaker 2: And people always look back at these decades that we
Speaker 2: put so much gravitas on, and in hindsight, they realized
Speaker 2: that they were still learning and that they still had
Speaker 2: time and there was still so much to look forward to.
Speaker 2: It's just that it didn't feel like that then. It
Speaker 2: felt like the end of something, when actually it was
Speaker 2: the beginning. So congratulations on entering your next decade, the
Speaker 2: decisive decade as they call it. And of course you
Speaker 2: can still listen to the podcast. You are more than welcome.
Speaker 2: I think that there is a lot of really amazing
Speaker 2: stuff in store for you. I can feel it. We're
Speaker 2: gonna take another quick break and then return for our
Speaker 2: final twenty something Dilemma of the Listener episode. Stay tuned.
Speaker 2: We have one final voice note, one final question from
Speaker 2: a listener, and of course I had to end the
Speaker 2: episode with another Australian with another Ozzie girl who voice
Speaker 2: noted in and her dilemma for the podcast here.
Speaker 5: She is, Okay, So what has been like coming up
Speaker 5: for me recently? Is that?
Speaker 9: So a few months ago, my two year long relationship
Speaker 9: that was a very intense and consisted of a lot
Speaker 9: of love bombing ended and now I realized that I've
Speaker 9: sort of pushed all my friends to the side, and
Speaker 9: that like currently, my only friends, like only that would
Speaker 9: consider my friends are like my ex partner's friends, which
Speaker 9: obviously aren't the most sustainable friendships given the circumstances. So
Speaker 9: I guess my dilemma is now feeling like I don't
Speaker 9: really have the friends that I once did before my relationship,
Speaker 9: and I know that's of my own fault.
Speaker 7: But.
Speaker 9: How do we rekindle those past friendships that I've pushed
Speaker 9: aside to prioritize my relationship at the time.
Speaker 2: What a great question, and I'm sorry about your breakup.
Speaker 2: I'm sure that is a difficult chapter for you. It
Speaker 2: does get better, though, and I know you're properly sick
Speaker 2: of hearing that, but I know it gets better because
Speaker 2: I've been in your shoes. I have been exactly where
Speaker 2: you are. I was in a really toxic, terrible relationship
Speaker 2: when I was twenty one, and it was just it
Speaker 2: cost me so many friendships because I was so invested
Speaker 2: in him and I was so enamored with him, and
Speaker 2: it was just not a very healthy dynamic. And he
Speaker 2: made me equally anxious and excited, and that kept me
Speaker 2: really wrapped around his finger. And because of how enraptured
Speaker 2: I was with him, it meant that I found any
Speaker 2: excuse to be friends with his friends, and just naturally
Speaker 2: I spent so much time with them and at their
Speaker 2: house that I fell into those friendships really, really easily,
Speaker 2: because of course it's convenient they're around. They're probably really
Speaker 2: nice people. When the relationship inevitably ended, I of course
Speaker 2: felt devastated and heartbroken by the fact that I wasn't
Speaker 2: with this person anymore, But also I felt an additional
Speaker 2: form of social pain that came from losing those friendships.
Speaker 2: It was a sad truth that they were his friends first.
Speaker 2: And I know that, you know, perhaps we're more mature
Speaker 2: than to think that ODDS is a thing, or to
Speaker 2: think that we can claim certain people as our own.
Speaker 2: But it was just a nature of how things felt
Speaker 2: that they were more his friends than mine, and so
Speaker 2: I lost him. Then I lost his friends, and then
Speaker 2: I turned around and realized that I'd lost my own
Speaker 2: friends in the process of pursuing this relationship. And I
Speaker 2: will not sweeten the sugar for you. It was really
Speaker 2: really difficult, and it was really really hard, but this
Speaker 2: is how I went about it. Firstly, I did reach
Speaker 2: out to my old friends and I was really really
Speaker 2: honest with them. I said, you know, we've broken up.
Speaker 2: I realized that that relationship, you know, caused me to
Speaker 2: perhaps behave the way that I didn't want to. It
Speaker 2: caused me to not be as present in your life anymore.
Speaker 2: But if you'll give me the chance, I'd really like
Speaker 2: to reconnect and just do things that are slow and steady.
Speaker 2: Some of them might say no, that's totally okay, But
Speaker 2: most people are kind and forgiving, and they probably really
Speaker 2: love your company. They really enjoy your company. They've probably
Speaker 2: missed you, so they will want to bring you back
Speaker 2: into the fold. They will want to be in your life.
Speaker 2: Reach out just to do something small, do something your
Speaker 2: activity based go and get a coffee, go for a walk,
Speaker 2: and then also try and extend your circle beyond those
Speaker 2: old friends and beyond your ex boyfriend's friends, to also
Speaker 2: include people who didn't know you before, who didn't know
Speaker 2: you during, but who know you in this new phase
Speaker 2: of your life, because it's going to be a brilliant one.
Speaker 2: The post breakup glow up is insane, and it's not physical,
Speaker 2: it's mental. You become this like enchanting version of yourself.
Speaker 2: Once you get through the pain and the hurt, there
Speaker 2: is just such fertile soil upon which for you to
Speaker 2: grow as an individual and to really rediscover yourself. I
Speaker 2: think you might need some new friends for that chapter.
Speaker 2: So this really comes down to how to make friends
Speaker 2: as an adult as well. My biggest tip is to
Speaker 2: start doing the same things at the same time in
Speaker 2: the same place, build friends around routine. So how I
Speaker 2: did this after my breakup and then I also moved
Speaker 2: to cities at the same time, was that I started
Speaker 2: going to the same fitness classes on the same day
Speaker 2: at the same time. So do boxing on Tuesday at
Speaker 2: six thirty pm and on Thursdays at five point thirty
Speaker 2: and I knew that there would be other people who
Speaker 2: would have the same routine and structures me, so I'd
Speaker 2: be seeing them and through that we were able to
Speaker 2: start building a friendship. I also went to life drawing
Speaker 2: classes and I went to a ceramics class, and I
Speaker 2: made friends that way, because you know, post school and UNI,
Speaker 2: it's always so difficult, even like outside of work, to
Speaker 2: make new friends because you don't have those convenient structures.
Speaker 2: But I find that like classes and weekly activities that
Speaker 2: are structured are a really great way to meet people
Speaker 2: and also just start reaching out to mutuals. Start reaching
Speaker 2: out to people who you know, you've met a couple
Speaker 2: of times at a party and who you really really
Speaker 2: hit it off with, or who are friends of friends.
Speaker 2: This is an excellent time for you to really regrow
Speaker 2: that social circle that perhaps you've been lacking. I know
Speaker 2: that it probably feels really, really daunting and maybe really
Speaker 2: lonely at this at this point as well, but I
Speaker 2: had a really crazy realization. I really feel for you, actually,
Speaker 2: because just a few days ago I was having my
Speaker 2: friends MISS like my friends MISS party for all my friends,
Speaker 2: and I was sitting at the table and I was thinking, wow,
Speaker 2: when I first moved to Sydney. After this breakup, I'd
Speaker 2: lost so many friends and I never imagined that I'd
Speaker 2: be at this point again. And if this was what
Speaker 2: I always wanted, I always wanted to have a big
Speaker 2: table full of people who I could celebrate with. And
Speaker 2: these were like twenty of my really good friends. And
Speaker 2: I remember in that time after my breakup, when I
Speaker 2: really didn't have many friends, I'd neglected my old friendships,
Speaker 2: you know, they weren't really as strong as they could be.
Speaker 2: And I'd really, you know, rebuilt those old friendships and
Speaker 2: also found new ones. So I want you to know
Speaker 2: it's possible. Sorry, there was a long ramble, a gratitude ramble,
Speaker 2: I would say, just to really tell you that where
Speaker 2: you are right now is not where you'll be forever.
Speaker 2: Put an effort, put in time. Take a year to
Speaker 2: just be single and to really concentrate on building those
Speaker 2: social circles. And also take it as a lesson that
Speaker 2: whatever next relationship you find, because you will find a
Speaker 2: new person and you will find love again, your friendships
Speaker 2: need to be equally as important because they are the
Speaker 2: things that really sustain us through every single chapter in
Speaker 2: our life. Those are all of the twenty something dilemmas
Speaker 2: that I had for you guys today. I really enjoy
Speaker 2: doing this episode. I guess I love advice giving. I
Speaker 2: love specific advice giving, and it was really nice to
Speaker 2: actually be able to have your voices on the podcast
Speaker 2: because gosh, obviously the season of gratitude, I'm going to
Speaker 2: be all sappy and emotional again. But you guys made
Speaker 2: the show this year. You made the podcast this year.
Speaker 2: You were behind every amazing thing that I got to do. Period.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm not even gonna take any credit Without
Speaker 2: you guys, it wouldn't be possible. So I really hope
Speaker 2: that it was really nice getting to hear from other
Speaker 2: listeners that these questions resonated with you. Maybe you've got
Speaker 2: answers to some of your own dilemmas. And I want
Speaker 2: to thank you from the bottom of my heart for
Speaker 2: all of the support and love that you have for
Speaker 2: the Psychology of your twenties. Next year is going to
Speaker 2: be a crazy year. I have some big news coming
Speaker 2: January sixth, some huge news, and you know, I got
Speaker 2: to announce my book this year, So if you haven't
Speaker 2: already made sure that you pre order Person in Progress,
Speaker 2: it's coming out in April, and I will be traveling
Speaker 2: all around the world to hopefully get to meet you
Speaker 2: all at some book signings, at some book tours, at
Speaker 2: some meetups. We're going to have so much more in
Speaker 2: person connection next year that I'm very, very pumped for
Speaker 2: because i feel like that's what we've been missing. I'm
Speaker 2: really excited to get out there and to meet some
Speaker 2: of the fans, meet some of the listeners, meet some
Speaker 2: of the other fellow twenty something people who are going
Speaker 2: through what we are all going through at the same time.
Speaker 2: So I want to say big happy holidays and a
Speaker 2: happy New Year. We're definitely gonna talk before then, but
Speaker 2: this will probably be one of my last, you know,
Speaker 2: solo episodes where I just get to talk to you
Speaker 2: guys before then. So you have made my year. Not
Speaker 2: to sound like a broken record. And make sure that
Speaker 2: you are following along or you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts
Speaker 2: or Spotify. Leave a little review. It's a really great
Speaker 2: way to give back these holidays is to give me
Speaker 2: some kind words to read when I'm feeling anxious. After
Speaker 2: my New Year's Day party in plans and we will
Speaker 2: talk very very soon. Make sure to send this episode
Speaker 2: to someone you know who might enjoy it as well.
Speaker 2: And until next time, stay safe, stay kind, please be
Speaker 2: gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.