WEBVTT - Restoring Self Worth After Trauma and Addiction 0:00:01.480 --> 0:00:05.680 Self worth is determined by a number of different variables. 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:10.640 The most important one is in your childhood how people 0:00:10.800 --> 0:00:13.960 treated and talk to you. And when I say people, 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:18.480 I mean most specifically your family, your parents, and the 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:22.520 people closest to you. Another way that self worth can 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:28.560 be determined is when you notice yourself overcoming challenges and 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:33.800 achieving meaningful accomplishments. That second part is really important because 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:36.600 some of us weren't raised by families that talk to 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:39.680 us in such a way that leads to really healthy 0:00:39.760 --> 0:00:43.239 self worth. So if there was no other way, then 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:45.239 that would mean the people who were not raised by 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:48.680 those sorts of families would just be doomed for life. 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:53.120 But you can still rebuild your self worth if you 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:57.440 didn't have that initial boost by simply noticing yourself achieving 0:00:57.520 --> 0:01:12.560 things and overcoming hard things. Welcome back to Family Therapy. 0:01:12.959 --> 0:01:16.960 I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual, I'm gonna 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:19.920 ask you what's been better since you listened to the 0:01:19.959 --> 0:01:23.759 previous episode? Because I want to continue to shift your 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:27.520 mind towards signs of progress, things in your life you're 0:01:27.600 --> 0:01:31.480 pleased with, and anything else that is positive, because that 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:35.800 makes life more worthwhile. Today, I want to explore the 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:41.959 difference between toxic positivity versus a positive mindset shift, and 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:46.400 explain a little bit about what toxic positivity is. Toxic 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:51.880 positivity is when people kind of force the belief that 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:59.880 you should be positive in all situations and suppress negative emotions. 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:03.240 So now I want to high I want to pay 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:05.840 really counteres into that last part and like really suppressed 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:10.280 negative emotions. So there are people that are like, you know, 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:16.480 find the positive in everything, but that's very different than 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:22.640 a positive mindset. A positive mindset is being able to 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:30.000 focus on the parts of the story that are in 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:35.120 line with what you are trying to achieve, and being 0:02:35.200 --> 0:02:37.720 able to focus on the parts of the story that 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:39.919 are in line with who you are hoping to become. 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:43.560 The type of therapy that I do is known as 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:48.000 solution focused brief therapy, and many people kind of misunderstand 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:50.120 that approach as a positive approach, but I would actually 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.120 say it's not positive or negative. I would say the 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:58.680 solution focused approach is change congruent, and a positive mindset 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:02.800 are those people that can continue to focus on the 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:06.160 change they're trying to create and things that are in 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:09.680 line with achieving the things that they're set out to achieve. 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.760 I think that's a really really important distinction, and clinically, 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:20.760 my job is to listen to the person's negative emotions 0:03:20.760 --> 0:03:25.400 and difficult experiences, but help shift their thinking towards things 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:27.720 that are more congruent and more in line with change. 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:31.440 That's a very, very difficult job, but that is in 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:34.160 fact my job as a psychotherapist. My job is to 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:38.680 be a change agent, and I know the most efficient 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:42.280 and consistent way to achieve change is to focus on 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:45.840 the details that lead towards change and focus on the 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:47.840 things that are congruent to the kinds of change you're 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:52.440 trying to achieve. We do have a tendency to attract 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.640 what is familiar to us. The most consistent way that 0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:58.600 we see this, and there's a lot of research about this, 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.720 is mostly women who have been raised in abuse of 0:04:03.720 --> 0:04:09.960 household tend to attract abusers because we absolutely find and 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:13.800 settle in what is most comfortable as opposed to what 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:18.440 is most good for us. And that's not always a 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.240 bad thing, not always a good thing. But human beings 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:26.720 are creatures that seek comfort, not necessarily creatures that seek 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:33.680 joy or happiness. We seek comfort and the easiest way 0:04:33.760 --> 0:04:39.120 to change this is we have to accept change comes 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:43.160 with uncomfort. So if I notice a pattern in. 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:44.960 My life and it. 0:04:44.880 --> 0:04:48.120 Doesn't matter what the pattern is, and I desire to 0:04:48.360 --> 0:04:53.239 change said pattern, I have to accept it is going 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:57.160 to come with uncomfort. It is going to come with difficulty, 0:04:57.400 --> 0:05:00.560 It is going to come with a tension. And to 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:03.560 give you an example, I worked with a woman many 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:07.919 years ago clinically, and she was in a relationship with 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.760 a man for the first time in her life that 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:15.599 would not hit her. She said, I was my dad 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:18.839 was an abuser, the boyfriends I had in my early 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:23.520 life were abusers. My first and second husband were abusers. 0:05:23.960 --> 0:05:28.200 I then met this guy online and he will not 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:32.360 hit me, which my brain is translating as he doesn't 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:35.240 love me, because everybody that loved me prior to him 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:39.280 hit me. So that's the tension in her head. I 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:45.080 logically know that it's good not to be hit, but 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.200 I also struggle with the tension of but everyone in 0:05:48.279 --> 0:05:51.200 my past has done this action, and she had to 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:54.920 learn to be comfortable in the new environment. So that's 0:05:54.920 --> 0:05:57.240 how you change it. You have to accept that going 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:01.640 from what I'm familiar with to a new experience even 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:05.160 though it is a positive experience, is going to create 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:08.000 uncomfort and it's going to create create tension, and you 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:10.120 have to stick with it until that becomes the new 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:14.880 familiar experience. In this episode, we will be focusing on 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:19.440 Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead. Freddie 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.800 opens up about his past addictions and the fear of 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:27.120 reconnecting with his nine children, while Jay is learning how 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:30.800 her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:42.919 her self value. So, Jay, what's been better since we 0:06:43.000 --> 0:06:43.960 last talked? 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:47.480 Mm HMMs been much the same? 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:53.520 Can't pinpoint anything specifically better, but things are fine? 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:55.800 How do you know? Like what's fine? 0:06:56.800 --> 0:07:01.279 I mean, I don't feel down today, like I feel 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:03.560 even kill. 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:09.080 It like nothing's particularly bad? 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:13.320 And how do you know you don't feel particularly down today? 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:16.120 Like what's what's happening? Lets you know, like this is 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:17.680 a day where you don't feel down? 0:07:19.800 --> 0:07:23.680 I don't feel I just don't feel like super stressed. 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:25.480 I don't feel like. 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:30.480 It's not like a lot of negative talk in my 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:42.040 mind right now, I don't know, there's no there's no 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:45.720 pain points that I can identify instead. 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:47.320 Of feeling down. How would you describe the way you 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:57.600 feel today neutral okay, and instead of negative like talk 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:04.880 what's what what's happening in your today? 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:08.680 I am just kind of focusing on what things I 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:12.680 need to do and doing what would. 0:08:12.480 --> 0:08:15.000 You hope to get accomplished most today? 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:16.920 I don't know. 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:20.160 I feel like we have good conversations, but I kind 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:23.760 of feel like after we get off the phone, it's 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:28.640 kind of just like, okay, like that was a good conversation, 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:33.160 but I don't know that anything is changing, per se. 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:39.199 Can I can I say something about that? M h, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:44.079 I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you, and I want you 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:49.040 to respond one honestly, Okay. I want to tell you 0:08:49.160 --> 0:08:53.679 one of my favorite things about you is you seem 0:08:53.800 --> 0:09:04.240 to be a very focused, determined and positive person. Okay, 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:06.200 is it okay? Is it okay? If I accuse you 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:06.839 of those things? 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:10.520 Mm hmm, I'm just waiting for the butt. 0:09:10.679 --> 0:09:12.760 No, no, there's no, but I promise there, I'm not. 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:15.800 You know, you seem to be a nice person, but like, no, no, no, 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:16.680 I'm not gonna say. 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:19.000 That, okay. 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:25.040 And also maybe my favorite conversation we've ever had the 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:28.080 first time we talked, I literally don't think I saw 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:32.720 you smile. Once you were just very kind of what 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:36.040 I would refer to in my field is like flat affect. 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:41.319 And then as I've gotten to know you, you're actually hilarious. 0:09:42.040 --> 0:09:44.800 And I remember you told me like the mom that 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:49.080 you run into at the daycare, and like you're actually 0:09:49.120 --> 0:09:52.080 really funny, like you're witty and sharp. The thing I 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:57.400 wonder about, yeah, you do. The thing I wonder about 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:03.160 is when I ask you, so, what's been better? You 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:10.440 seem to have you seem to have like two, like 0:10:10.720 --> 0:10:13.920 two sides, but I actually want you to have three. 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:17.880 And what I mean by that is things are either 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:24.480 negative or neutral, but there's got to be something on 0:10:24.520 --> 0:10:26.360 the other side of the neutral. So it's got to 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:31.720 be like negative, neutral, positive, you know. So there I'll 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:33.640 ask you what's been better, and you'll say, well, things 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:36.280 are kind of neutral. But then you start saying things 0:10:36.280 --> 0:10:39.000 and I'm like, well, that sounds super positive to me, 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:42.440 and I find myself thinking, how come she doesn't perceive 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:47.520 that as positive? Does that make sense? So what do 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:50.240 you think about that? Like, because it's really important that 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.760 we have those three phases to our life. I guess 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:55.880 what I'm saying is I think there are things positive 0:10:55.920 --> 0:10:59.079 happening around you, but you're not catching it and putting 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:02.200 it in the bucket of positive. And a brilliant man 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:07.600 once said, a change is only a change if it's noticed. 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:12.800 So it makes me wonder is Jaylen noticing all of 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:16.080 the positive changes or is she not noticing him just 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:18.400 and just realizing, oh, this is a day where I 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:21.480 don't feel awful, so I get to just okay instead 0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:25.079 of like, if we notice the good things, we can 0:11:25.160 --> 0:11:28.120 put those in the positive end of the neutral. Does 0:11:28.160 --> 0:11:29.360 that make sense? 0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:34.760 Yes, it does. I think my challenge is. 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:39.080 Like I do see them as positive, but how I 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:46.840 feel about them is neutral, which is like, I'm not 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:52.840 allowing myself to be excited about these things being positive 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:56.360 because you're absolutely right. You know, if you have a 0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:59.640 business and everything's going well, Yeah, why would you not. 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:04.839 Put that in the positive box? Yeah? You know, it's 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:06.120 a mind shift change. 0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:11.760 It's a an ability to allow myself to get happy 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:16.360 about those things. I guess sometimes I don't like to 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:20.640 get too excited about stuff because I expect something to 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:25.160 happen that's going to need my attention, which also is 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:26.400 not necessarily a bad thing. 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:32.120 But I just I guess I'm just not allowing myself 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:32.839 to enjoy it. 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:37.800 I'm pretty like I mean, obviously I have moments where 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:41.640 I'm like having fun and I'm excited about stuff, But 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:45.960 I would say my general disposition is not someone who 0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:46.439 is like. 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:50.199 Super happy. 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:56.000 So I find myself wondering how could we help Jalen 0:12:56.120 --> 0:13:01.679 make that shift where she is noticing good things and 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:05.839 allowing herself to enjoy them. Because here's this can I 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:08.920 I'm gonna tell you what I consider the secret of life. 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.240 You ready, I'm ready? 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:14.800 I think the secret of life, and I really I'm 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:17.040 not joking when I say that, I genuinely believe this 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:19.920 is a secret of life. The secret of life is 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:26.719 when you realize every single person, every single day, has 0:13:26.840 --> 0:13:30.080 good things and bad things happening. So the secret of 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.280 life isn't to make good things happen because there are 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:36.120 good things happening all around us all the time. And 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:38.160 the secret of life isn't to make bad things not 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:40.960 happen because they're bad things happening around us all the time. 0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:45.360 The secret of life is living your life, paying more 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:49.040 attention than the good things than the bad. But some 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.640 of us have had the kind of life where it's 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:55.120 easier to notice the bad because they seem to be 0:13:55.160 --> 0:14:00.559 more frequent. So how do I help Jayen really notice 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:08.680 and embrace the good things of life? How do you 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:12.160 do that? Let me ask you this, if I took 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:16.000 you back to a time in your life when you 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:21.440 were like the happiest, most excited version of yourself, can 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:22.520 you think back to that time? 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:27.760 I guess the most recent is when I gave birth twice. 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:32.080 Oh, when you gave birth, that was the most excited 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:32.560 and happy. 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:35.520 M h. 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:40.280 Why what was it about the giving birth process, Jalen 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:47.200 that made you happy? 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:50.200 I just, you know, I just don't take it for 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:54.840 granted that I've had the opportunity to be a mother. 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.600 So I just find that to be a beautiful blessing. 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:04.480 And it is just a great opportunity to have to 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:09.600 have two young men, young boys that will become men, 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:13.840 and I get to mold their life and kind of 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:20.440 present them to the world as just kind, brave, intelligent 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:21.560 human beings. 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:24.200 So I you know, I was. 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:28.400 Excited, Like, giving birth in itself is extremely painful, at 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:31.360 least it was for me, but I was excited to 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:32.960 have that gift. 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:37.720 So where did you learn to view motherhood of these 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:41.000 two boys as a gift and something you should not 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:41.880 take for granted. 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:44.720 I don't know, I guess because I was an auntie 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:49.520 for so long. So when I finally realized, oh shit, 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:53.280 I'm going to be a mom now, like I don't 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:58.560 that the acknowledgment just made me so happy. Like I 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:02.960 did have an abortion, and I did lose a child. 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:06.560 When I was pregnant. I did have a miscarriage. 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:13.120 So when my first son was born, I was just like, wow, 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:16.320 like this is so cool, Like I really have this 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:20.280 chance to be a mom, which it wasn't something that 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:23.800 I necessarily thought was going to happen. 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:24.000 In my life. 0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:28.760 So when it happened, I just happy about it. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.640 And I know they're really young, But have you had 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:37.320 a moment when you were very proud of them? Like 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.760 have one of your children done something that made you 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:44.040 like really proud of that of that child? 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.760 Yes, all the time, both of them. 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:48.760 Oh really, can you give me an example? Can you 0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:49.400 give me an example? 0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:49.880 Sure? 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:53.600 I mean my five year old he having you know, 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:57.240 a baby brother was kind of a transition for him 0:16:57.520 --> 0:17:00.120 and I, you know, and you know, and little and 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:03.320 little brothers are kind of like you know, my youngest 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:05.239 will literally walk up to him and smax shit out 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:09.240 for absolutely no reason, which is, you know, kind of foul. 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:10.879 It's something that you're gonna have to get used to. 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.399 But he would you know, normally turn around in the 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:16.639 beginning and just hit him back or push him. And 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:20.280 now he's learning to, you know, speak assertively to him 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:22.400 and let him know, like that's not what you do, 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:25.960 you do this instead, So I'm proud to see him 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:29.840 do that. He's also my oldest is a little emotional, 0:17:30.520 --> 0:17:33.760 so when he's able to kind of manage his emotions 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:35.879 a little bit better when he gets upset, I'm proud 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.920 of him. It's like every day, I'm proud of him. 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:42.000 He does something every day that I'm looking and watching 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:46.720 and I'm so happy for him. My youngest is talking more. 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:49.680 He's a little more reserved than my oldest, but he's 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:52.920 talking more. He really likes to sing, so i'd love 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.960 to watch him sing, you know, the alphabets or little 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:01.960 songs that he learns the daycare. And he actually really 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:05.080 is good at carrying the melody. He doesn't have the 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:07.720 words you know out just yet, but he's definitely got 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:08.440 the melody down. 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:12.439 Yeah, they're awesome. I love them. 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:14.840 I Mean, this is going to sound like a loaded question, 0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:18.240 but I have to ask it. Do you allow yourself 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:21.280 to enjoy motherhood? 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:24.720 I think so? Okay, I think so. 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:26.880 It sounds like it sounds like you do. 0:18:26.920 --> 0:18:31.199 To be honest, Yeah, Like it's not easy. 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:34.399 No, probably one of the hardest jobs I've ever had, 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:38.679 Like and I've been like literally harder than being in 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:43.399 the military. But I but you know, the reward is 0:18:43.840 --> 0:18:44.440 way bigger. 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.480 Do you tell them how proud you are of them? 0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:48.920 I do? 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:50.920 I do. 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:52.840 I tell them I'm proud of them. I tell them 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:56.560 I love them. When I had my oldest, I made 0:18:56.640 --> 0:18:59.040 sure that every single day I would tell him I 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:00.920 love him, because I didn't grow up in a household 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.560 where we said I love you very often, if at all, 0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:09.720 until maybe later on, But growing up it's not something 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:13.800 that I heard often. So when he was born, I said, 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:15.800 every day, I'm going to tell this way I love him. 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:18.440 And I do the same thing with my youngest, and 0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:21.440 I do. I love them. 0:19:21.480 --> 0:19:25.440 I'm proud of them, I'm excited about their lives. They're 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:27.520 so cool, they're really really dope. 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:32.159 So what do you think it does to them? To 0:19:32.280 --> 0:19:35.439 have a mom who thinks being their mom is so 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:40.399 cool and who thinks my mom thinks I'm really really dope. Like, 0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:44.240 what do you think it does to them? 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:48.200 I hope that it encourages them to be their authentic 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:54.439 self and allows them to truly just just be. I 0:19:54.480 --> 0:19:56.879 think one of my goals as a mother is I 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:00.520 want them to be who they are without having the 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:06.159 stress of worrying about things that children really shouldn't have 0:20:06.200 --> 0:20:09.040 to worry about, as far as like household management and 0:20:09.400 --> 0:20:13.480 finances and all these other things. Like, I just want 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:17.320 them to be who they are out now, you know, 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:22.320 and just live their life to the fullest, so while 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:25.800 also having the value system that we're instilling in them. 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:29.359 So I hope it just allows them to be that 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:29.880 that's the goal. 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:34.800 At least, did you have to try? Because I don't 0:20:34.840 --> 0:20:40.240 imagine your kids are perfect? No, so, and by the way, 0:20:40.359 --> 0:20:43.200 that's not being I'm just saying that, Like, no kids 0:20:43.200 --> 0:20:43.879 are perfect. 0:20:43.680 --> 0:20:43.960 Right there. 0:20:44.040 --> 0:20:47.640 No, No kids are perfect. Kids are annoying as hell. 0:20:47.760 --> 0:20:52.000 Like no, yeah, no, they're awesome, but they are annoying. 0:20:52.280 --> 0:20:56.480 And you said something remarkable a minute ago. You said, 0:20:56.720 --> 0:20:58.600 I want to make sure I caught it. Right that 0:20:58.640 --> 0:21:02.600 they do something that makes me proud every day? Did 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:03.040 you say that? 0:21:03.600 --> 0:21:04.040 Yeah? 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:09.840 Yeah, okay, so given that they do something that makes 0:21:09.840 --> 0:21:13.920 me proud every day, but you also describe them as 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.919 my kids are really really dope? Do you have to 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:19.560 work hard to notice good things about them? Like? How 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:21.639 do you how do you notice that? Like my youngest 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:23.480 will just walk up to the older brother just match 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:25.720 shit out of him, but he's still really really dope? 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:29.320 Like how do you hold both? Like they're annoying as 0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:31.880 hell and they do these really difficult things, but they're 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:34.920 still really really dope? Like how do you pay attention 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:36.480 to the really really dope part? 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:38.800 I choose the focus on it. 0:21:40.920 --> 0:21:47.119 Okay, what would happen if you did that about your life? 0:21:47.200 --> 0:21:51.800 Not just about your kids? You I'd like, I want 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:54.199 you to take that phrase. I choose to focus on 0:21:54.280 --> 0:21:58.000 it and like tattoo it on your face, like I 0:21:58.040 --> 0:22:02.520 want you to tattoo it like on your forehead. What 0:22:02.600 --> 0:22:07.040 would happen to Jalen's life if you did the exact 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:14.639 same thing about yourself? About David, about your laundryn, you 0:22:14.680 --> 0:22:16.359 know what I mean? Like, what would happen if you 0:22:16.359 --> 0:22:20.000 did that? More globally? Through. I honestly believe, Jalen, like 0:22:20.040 --> 0:22:24.920 I'm getting goosebumps as I think about this. Your children 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:29.760 are among the luckiest children in the world. And the 0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:32.359 reason they're so lucky is because they have a mom 0:22:33.200 --> 0:22:36.200 who made a promise to them when they were born, 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:38.840 and she kept that promise. Like I knew, I grew 0:22:38.920 --> 0:22:41.680 up in a household where I didn't hear I love 0:22:41.720 --> 0:22:43.600 you a lot. So I told myself, I'm going to 0:22:43.680 --> 0:22:46.680 tell these two boys I love them every day. And 0:22:46.720 --> 0:22:51.399 you've kept that promise. Your children are incredibly lucky because 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:55.320 they have a mom who, even though they do stupid stuff, 0:22:56.160 --> 0:23:00.400 and even though they're annoying, my mom keeps you and 0:23:00.440 --> 0:23:02.560 me as if I'm really really dope. 0:23:04.080 --> 0:23:04.320 Right. 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:07.000 That is a gift you're giving to your children, Jalen. 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:10.000 That I hope you understand how amazing that is, and 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:14.400 that not every child in this world has that right. 0:23:15.119 --> 0:23:19.920 I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to Ja. 0:23:20.200 --> 0:23:23.520 I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to David. 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:26.439 I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to the 0:23:26.440 --> 0:23:30.680 people you work. You know, so when you say it's 0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:32.480 exciting to me because I think I found the joy 0:23:32.480 --> 0:23:35.280 in your life, and it's those two boys. They could 0:23:35.320 --> 0:23:37.879 be as horrible as ever, but you're gonna keep noticing 0:23:37.880 --> 0:23:40.679 what's good about them, right. I have to ask you, 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:43.720 what would happen to your life if you just more 0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:47.600 generally applied that philosophy. 0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:52.640 I mean, I think obviously, like if I focused on 0:23:52.720 --> 0:23:58.399 the good stuff, then the good stuff would multiply. I 0:23:58.400 --> 0:24:02.960 think you know, that's just just how the law of 0:24:02.960 --> 0:24:04.080 attraction works. 0:24:03.880 --> 0:24:07.760 Right, Jalen. I think that's absolutely true. I think that's 0:24:07.800 --> 0:24:10.520 absolutely true. I think that's how a lot of attraction works, 0:24:10.560 --> 0:24:10.920 for sure. 0:24:12.680 --> 0:24:13.080 I don't know. 0:24:13.200 --> 0:24:15.919 I got some self worth self value issues that I 0:24:16.040 --> 0:24:19.200 just I haven't gotten past yet. I don't know why, 0:24:20.600 --> 0:24:23.800 But maybe I don't know. If I just focus on 0:24:23.840 --> 0:24:28.480 the good stuff, those things will eventually work themselves out. 0:24:28.800 --> 0:24:30.439 I don't know if that's how that works. 0:24:30.840 --> 0:24:35.359 How how long have you had these self worth self 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:36.639 value issues? 0:24:40.480 --> 0:24:42.440 I don't know, probably for a very long time. 0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:46.840 Well, you know, it starts small and then it and 0:24:46.920 --> 0:24:50.600 it increases and increases. So you know, I probably started 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:54.240 when I was young and chugging all of that stuff. 0:24:54.440 --> 0:24:56.800 You know, And I think you might have just hit 0:24:56.920 --> 0:25:02.760 on maybe the most important thing is having self worth, 0:25:02.880 --> 0:25:09.480 self value issues. How would you rather feel about yourself. 0:25:10.680 --> 0:25:11.080 I want to. 0:25:11.080 --> 0:25:13.440