Speaker 1: Self worth is determined by a number of different variables.
Speaker 1: The most important one is in your childhood how people
Speaker 1: treated and talk to you. And when I say people,
Speaker 1: I mean most specifically your family, your parents, and the
Speaker 1: people closest to you. Another way that self worth can
Speaker 1: be determined is when you notice yourself overcoming challenges and
Speaker 1: achieving meaningful accomplishments. That second part is really important because
Speaker 1: some of us weren't raised by families that talk to
Speaker 1: us in such a way that leads to really healthy
Speaker 1: self worth. So if there was no other way, then
Speaker 1: that would mean the people who were not raised by
Speaker 1: those sorts of families would just be doomed for life.
Speaker 1: But you can still rebuild your self worth if you
Speaker 1: didn't have that initial boost by simply noticing yourself achieving
Speaker 1: things and overcoming hard things. Welcome back to Family Therapy.
Speaker 1: I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: ask you what's been better since you listened to the
Speaker 1: previous episode? Because I want to continue to shift your
Speaker 1: mind towards signs of progress, things in your life you're
Speaker 1: pleased with, and anything else that is positive, because that
Speaker 1: makes life more worthwhile. Today, I want to explore the
Speaker 1: difference between toxic positivity versus a positive mindset shift, and
Speaker 1: explain a little bit about what toxic positivity is. Toxic
Speaker 1: positivity is when people kind of force the belief that
Speaker 1: you should be positive in all situations and suppress negative emotions.
Speaker 1: So now I want to high I want to pay
Speaker 1: really counteres into that last part and like really suppressed
Speaker 1: negative emotions. So there are people that are like, you know,
Speaker 1: find the positive in everything, but that's very different than
Speaker 1: a positive mindset. A positive mindset is being able to
Speaker 1: focus on the parts of the story that are in
Speaker 1: line with what you are trying to achieve, and being
Speaker 1: able to focus on the parts of the story that
Speaker 1: are in line with who you are hoping to become.
Speaker 1: The type of therapy that I do is known as
Speaker 1: solution focused brief therapy, and many people kind of misunderstand
Speaker 1: that approach as a positive approach, but I would actually
Speaker 1: say it's not positive or negative. I would say the
Speaker 1: solution focused approach is change congruent, and a positive mindset
Speaker 1: are those people that can continue to focus on the
Speaker 1: change they're trying to create and things that are in
Speaker 1: line with achieving the things that they're set out to achieve.
Speaker 1: I think that's a really really important distinction, and clinically,
Speaker 1: my job is to listen to the person's negative emotions
Speaker 1: and difficult experiences, but help shift their thinking towards things
Speaker 1: that are more congruent and more in line with change.
Speaker 1: That's a very, very difficult job, but that is in
Speaker 1: fact my job as a psychotherapist. My job is to
Speaker 1: be a change agent, and I know the most efficient
Speaker 1: and consistent way to achieve change is to focus on
Speaker 1: the details that lead towards change and focus on the
Speaker 1: things that are congruent to the kinds of change you're
Speaker 1: trying to achieve. We do have a tendency to attract
Speaker 1: what is familiar to us. The most consistent way that
Speaker 1: we see this, and there's a lot of research about this,
Speaker 1: is mostly women who have been raised in abuse of
Speaker 1: household tend to attract abusers because we absolutely find and
Speaker 1: settle in what is most comfortable as opposed to what
Speaker 1: is most good for us. And that's not always a
Speaker 1: bad thing, not always a good thing. But human beings
Speaker 1: are creatures that seek comfort, not necessarily creatures that seek
Speaker 1: joy or happiness. We seek comfort and the easiest way
Speaker 1: to change this is we have to accept change comes
Speaker 1: with uncomfort. So if I notice a pattern in.
Speaker 2: My life and it.
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter what the pattern is, and I desire to
Speaker 1: change said pattern, I have to accept it is going
Speaker 1: to come with uncomfort. It is going to come with difficulty,
Speaker 1: It is going to come with a tension. And to
Speaker 1: give you an example, I worked with a woman many
Speaker 1: years ago clinically, and she was in a relationship with
Speaker 1: a man for the first time in her life that
Speaker 1: would not hit her. She said, I was my dad
Speaker 1: was an abuser, the boyfriends I had in my early
Speaker 1: life were abusers. My first and second husband were abusers.
Speaker 1: I then met this guy online and he will not
Speaker 1: hit me, which my brain is translating as he doesn't
Speaker 1: love me, because everybody that loved me prior to him
Speaker 1: hit me. So that's the tension in her head. I
Speaker 1: logically know that it's good not to be hit, but
Speaker 1: I also struggle with the tension of but everyone in
Speaker 1: my past has done this action, and she had to
Speaker 1: learn to be comfortable in the new environment. So that's
Speaker 1: how you change it. You have to accept that going
Speaker 1: from what I'm familiar with to a new experience even
Speaker 1: though it is a positive experience, is going to create
Speaker 1: uncomfort and it's going to create create tension, and you
Speaker 1: have to stick with it until that becomes the new
Speaker 1: familiar experience. In this episode, we will be focusing on
Speaker 1: Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead. Freddie
Speaker 1: opens up about his past addictions and the fear of
Speaker 1: reconnecting with his nine children, while Jay is learning how
Speaker 1: her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and
Speaker 1: her self value. So, Jay, what's been better since we
Speaker 1: last talked?
Speaker 3: Mm HMMs been much the same?
Speaker 4: Can't pinpoint anything specifically better, but things are fine?
Speaker 1: How do you know? Like what's fine?
Speaker 4: I mean, I don't feel down today, like I feel
Speaker 4: even kill.
Speaker 3: It like nothing's particularly bad?
Speaker 1: And how do you know you don't feel particularly down today?
Speaker 1: Like what's what's happening? Lets you know, like this is
Speaker 1: a day where you don't feel down?
Speaker 4: I don't feel I just don't feel like super stressed.
Speaker 3: I don't feel like.
Speaker 4: It's not like a lot of negative talk in my
Speaker 4: mind right now, I don't know, there's no there's no
Speaker 4: pain points that I can identify instead.
Speaker 1: Of feeling down. How would you describe the way you
Speaker 1: feel today neutral okay, and instead of negative like talk
Speaker 1: what's what what's happening in your today?
Speaker 4: I am just kind of focusing on what things I
Speaker 4: need to do and doing what would.
Speaker 1: You hope to get accomplished most today?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I feel like we have good conversations, but I kind
Speaker 4: of feel like after we get off the phone, it's
Speaker 4: kind of just like, okay, like that was a good conversation,
Speaker 4: but I don't know that anything is changing, per se.
Speaker 1: Can I can I say something about that? M h,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you, and I want you
Speaker 1: to respond one honestly, Okay. I want to tell you
Speaker 1: one of my favorite things about you is you seem
Speaker 1: to be a very focused, determined and positive person. Okay,
Speaker 1: is it okay? Is it okay? If I accuse you
Speaker 1: of those things?
Speaker 3: Mm hmm, I'm just waiting for the butt.
Speaker 1: No, no, there's no, but I promise there, I'm not.
Speaker 1: You know, you seem to be a nice person, but like, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say.
Speaker 3: That, okay.
Speaker 1: And also maybe my favorite conversation we've ever had the
Speaker 1: first time we talked, I literally don't think I saw
Speaker 1: you smile. Once you were just very kind of what
Speaker 1: I would refer to in my field is like flat affect.
Speaker 1: And then as I've gotten to know you, you're actually hilarious.
Speaker 1: And I remember you told me like the mom that
Speaker 1: you run into at the daycare, and like you're actually
Speaker 1: really funny, like you're witty and sharp. The thing I
Speaker 1: wonder about, yeah, you do. The thing I wonder about
Speaker 1: is when I ask you, so, what's been better? You
Speaker 1: seem to have you seem to have like two, like
Speaker 1: two sides, but I actually want you to have three.
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is things are either
Speaker 1: negative or neutral, but there's got to be something on
Speaker 1: the other side of the neutral. So it's got to
Speaker 1: be like negative, neutral, positive, you know. So there I'll
Speaker 1: ask you what's been better, and you'll say, well, things
Speaker 1: are kind of neutral. But then you start saying things
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, that sounds super positive to me,
Speaker 1: and I find myself thinking, how come she doesn't perceive
Speaker 1: that as positive? Does that make sense? So what do
Speaker 1: you think about that? Like, because it's really important that
Speaker 1: we have those three phases to our life. I guess
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is I think there are things positive
Speaker 1: happening around you, but you're not catching it and putting
Speaker 1: it in the bucket of positive. And a brilliant man
Speaker 1: once said, a change is only a change if it's noticed.
Speaker 1: So it makes me wonder is Jaylen noticing all of
Speaker 1: the positive changes or is she not noticing him just
Speaker 1: and just realizing, oh, this is a day where I
Speaker 1: don't feel awful, so I get to just okay instead
Speaker 1: of like, if we notice the good things, we can
Speaker 1: put those in the positive end of the neutral. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense?
Speaker 3: Yes, it does. I think my challenge is.
Speaker 4: Like I do see them as positive, but how I
Speaker 4: feel about them is neutral, which is like, I'm not
Speaker 4: allowing myself to be excited about these things being positive
Speaker 4: because you're absolutely right. You know, if you have a
Speaker 4: business and everything's going well, Yeah, why would you not.
Speaker 3: Put that in the positive box? Yeah? You know, it's
Speaker 3: a mind shift change.
Speaker 4: It's a an ability to allow myself to get happy
Speaker 4: about those things. I guess sometimes I don't like to
Speaker 4: get too excited about stuff because I expect something to
Speaker 4: happen that's going to need my attention, which also is
Speaker 4: not necessarily a bad thing.
Speaker 3: But I just I guess I'm just not allowing myself
Speaker 3: to enjoy it.
Speaker 4: I'm pretty like I mean, obviously I have moments where
Speaker 4: I'm like having fun and I'm excited about stuff, But
Speaker 4: I would say my general disposition is not someone who
Speaker 4: is like.
Speaker 3: Super happy.
Speaker 1: So I find myself wondering how could we help Jalen
Speaker 1: make that shift where she is noticing good things and
Speaker 1: allowing herself to enjoy them. Because here's this can I
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you what I consider the secret of life.
Speaker 3: You ready, I'm ready?
Speaker 1: I think the secret of life, and I really I'm
Speaker 1: not joking when I say that, I genuinely believe this
Speaker 1: is a secret of life. The secret of life is
Speaker 1: when you realize every single person, every single day, has
Speaker 1: good things and bad things happening. So the secret of
Speaker 1: life isn't to make good things happen because there are
Speaker 1: good things happening all around us all the time. And
Speaker 1: the secret of life isn't to make bad things not
Speaker 1: happen because they're bad things happening around us all the time.
Speaker 1: The secret of life is living your life, paying more
Speaker 1: attention than the good things than the bad. But some
Speaker 1: of us have had the kind of life where it's
Speaker 1: easier to notice the bad because they seem to be
Speaker 1: more frequent. So how do I help Jayen really notice
Speaker 1: and embrace the good things of life? How do you
Speaker 1: do that? Let me ask you this, if I took
Speaker 1: you back to a time in your life when you
Speaker 1: were like the happiest, most excited version of yourself, can
Speaker 1: you think back to that time?
Speaker 3: I guess the most recent is when I gave birth twice.
Speaker 1: Oh, when you gave birth, that was the most excited
Speaker 1: and happy.
Speaker 2: M h.
Speaker 1: Why what was it about the giving birth process, Jalen
Speaker 1: that made you happy?
Speaker 4: I just, you know, I just don't take it for
Speaker 4: granted that I've had the opportunity to be a mother.
Speaker 4: So I just find that to be a beautiful blessing.
Speaker 4: And it is just a great opportunity to have to
Speaker 4: have two young men, young boys that will become men,
Speaker 4: and I get to mold their life and kind of
Speaker 4: present them to the world as just kind, brave, intelligent
Speaker 4: human beings.
Speaker 3: So I you know, I was.
Speaker 4: Excited, Like, giving birth in itself is extremely painful, at
Speaker 4: least it was for me, but I was excited to
Speaker 4: have that gift.
Speaker 1: So where did you learn to view motherhood of these
Speaker 1: two boys as a gift and something you should not
Speaker 1: take for granted.
Speaker 4: I don't know, I guess because I was an auntie
Speaker 4: for so long. So when I finally realized, oh shit,
Speaker 4: I'm going to be a mom now, like I don't
Speaker 4: that the acknowledgment just made me so happy. Like I
Speaker 4: did have an abortion, and I did lose a child.
Speaker 3: When I was pregnant. I did have a miscarriage.
Speaker 4: So when my first son was born, I was just like, wow,
Speaker 4: like this is so cool, Like I really have this
Speaker 4: chance to be a mom, which it wasn't something that
Speaker 4: I necessarily thought was going to happen.
Speaker 3: In my life.
Speaker 4: So when it happened, I just happy about it.
Speaker 1: And I know they're really young, But have you had
Speaker 1: a moment when you were very proud of them? Like
Speaker 1: have one of your children done something that made you
Speaker 1: like really proud of that of that child?
Speaker 3: Yes, all the time, both of them.
Speaker 1: Oh really, can you give me an example? Can you
Speaker 1: give me an example?
Speaker 3: Sure?
Speaker 4: I mean my five year old he having you know,
Speaker 4: a baby brother was kind of a transition for him
Speaker 4: and I, you know, and you know, and little and
Speaker 4: little brothers are kind of like you know, my youngest
Speaker 4: will literally walk up to him and smax shit out
Speaker 4: for absolutely no reason, which is, you know, kind of foul.
Speaker 4: It's something that you're gonna have to get used to.
Speaker 4: But he would you know, normally turn around in the
Speaker 4: beginning and just hit him back or push him. And
Speaker 4: now he's learning to, you know, speak assertively to him
Speaker 4: and let him know, like that's not what you do,
Speaker 4: you do this instead, So I'm proud to see him
Speaker 4: do that. He's also my oldest is a little emotional,
Speaker 4: so when he's able to kind of manage his emotions
Speaker 4: a little bit better when he gets upset, I'm proud
Speaker 4: of him. It's like every day, I'm proud of him.
Speaker 4: He does something every day that I'm looking and watching
Speaker 4: and I'm so happy for him. My youngest is talking more.
Speaker 4: He's a little more reserved than my oldest, but he's
Speaker 4: talking more. He really likes to sing, so i'd love
Speaker 4: to watch him sing, you know, the alphabets or little
Speaker 4: songs that he learns the daycare. And he actually really
Speaker 4: is good at carrying the melody. He doesn't have the
Speaker 4: words you know out just yet, but he's definitely got
Speaker 4: the melody down.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're awesome. I love them.
Speaker 1: I Mean, this is going to sound like a loaded question,
Speaker 1: but I have to ask it. Do you allow yourself
Speaker 1: to enjoy motherhood?
Speaker 3: I think so? Okay, I think so.
Speaker 1: It sounds like it sounds like you do.
Speaker 3: To be honest, Yeah, Like it's not easy.
Speaker 4: No, probably one of the hardest jobs I've ever had,
Speaker 4: Like and I've been like literally harder than being in
Speaker 4: the military. But I but you know, the reward is
Speaker 4: way bigger.
Speaker 1: Do you tell them how proud you are of them?
Speaker 1: I do?
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 4: I tell them I'm proud of them. I tell them
Speaker 4: I love them. When I had my oldest, I made
Speaker 4: sure that every single day I would tell him I
Speaker 4: love him, because I didn't grow up in a household
Speaker 4: where we said I love you very often, if at all,
Speaker 4: until maybe later on, But growing up it's not something
Speaker 4: that I heard often. So when he was born, I said,
Speaker 4: every day, I'm going to tell this way I love him.
Speaker 3: And I do the same thing with my youngest, and
Speaker 3: I do. I love them.
Speaker 4: I'm proud of them, I'm excited about their lives. They're
Speaker 4: so cool, they're really really dope.
Speaker 1: So what do you think it does to them? To
Speaker 1: have a mom who thinks being their mom is so
Speaker 1: cool and who thinks my mom thinks I'm really really dope. Like,
Speaker 1: what do you think it does to them?
Speaker 4: I hope that it encourages them to be their authentic
Speaker 4: self and allows them to truly just just be. I
Speaker 4: think one of my goals as a mother is I
Speaker 4: want them to be who they are without having the
Speaker 4: stress of worrying about things that children really shouldn't have
Speaker 4: to worry about, as far as like household management and
Speaker 4: finances and all these other things. Like, I just want
Speaker 4: them to be who they are out now, you know,
Speaker 4: and just live their life to the fullest, so while
Speaker 4: also having the value system that we're instilling in them.
Speaker 4: So I hope it just allows them to be that
Speaker 4: that's the goal.
Speaker 1: At least, did you have to try? Because I don't
Speaker 1: imagine your kids are perfect? No, so, and by the way,
Speaker 1: that's not being I'm just saying that, Like, no kids
Speaker 1: are perfect.
Speaker 2: Right there.
Speaker 4: No, No kids are perfect. Kids are annoying as hell.
Speaker 4: Like no, yeah, no, they're awesome, but they are annoying.
Speaker 1: And you said something remarkable a minute ago. You said,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure I caught it. Right that
Speaker 1: they do something that makes me proud every day? Did
Speaker 1: you say that?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so given that they do something that makes
Speaker 1: me proud every day, but you also describe them as
Speaker 1: my kids are really really dope? Do you have to
Speaker 1: work hard to notice good things about them? Like? How
Speaker 1: do you how do you notice that? Like my youngest
Speaker 1: will just walk up to the older brother just match
Speaker 1: shit out of him, but he's still really really dope?
Speaker 1: Like how do you hold both? Like they're annoying as
Speaker 1: hell and they do these really difficult things, but they're
Speaker 1: still really really dope? Like how do you pay attention
Speaker 1: to the really really dope part?
Speaker 3: I choose the focus on it.
Speaker 1: Okay, what would happen if you did that about your life?
Speaker 1: Not just about your kids? You I'd like, I want
Speaker 1: you to take that phrase. I choose to focus on
Speaker 1: it and like tattoo it on your face, like I
Speaker 1: want you to tattoo it like on your forehead. What
Speaker 1: would happen to Jalen's life if you did the exact
Speaker 1: same thing about yourself? About David, about your laundryn, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, what would happen if you
Speaker 1: did that? More globally? Through. I honestly believe, Jalen, like
Speaker 1: I'm getting goosebumps as I think about this. Your children
Speaker 1: are among the luckiest children in the world. And the
Speaker 1: reason they're so lucky is because they have a mom
Speaker 1: who made a promise to them when they were born,
Speaker 1: and she kept that promise. Like I knew, I grew
Speaker 1: up in a household where I didn't hear I love
Speaker 1: you a lot. So I told myself, I'm going to
Speaker 1: tell these two boys I love them every day. And
Speaker 1: you've kept that promise. Your children are incredibly lucky because
Speaker 1: they have a mom who, even though they do stupid stuff,
Speaker 1: and even though they're annoying, my mom keeps you and
Speaker 1: me as if I'm really really dope.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: That is a gift you're giving to your children, Jalen.
Speaker 1: That I hope you understand how amazing that is, and
Speaker 1: that not every child in this world has that right.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to Ja.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to David.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to the
Speaker 1: people you work. You know, so when you say it's
Speaker 1: exciting to me because I think I found the joy
Speaker 1: in your life, and it's those two boys. They could
Speaker 1: be as horrible as ever, but you're gonna keep noticing
Speaker 1: what's good about them, right. I have to ask you,
Speaker 1: what would happen to your life if you just more
Speaker 1: generally applied that philosophy.
Speaker 4: I mean, I think obviously, like if I focused on
Speaker 4: the good stuff, then the good stuff would multiply. I
Speaker 4: think you know, that's just just how the law of
Speaker 4: attraction works.
Speaker 1: Right, Jalen. I think that's absolutely true. I think that's
Speaker 1: absolutely true. I think that's how a lot of attraction works,
Speaker 1: for sure.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I got some self worth self value issues that I
Speaker 4: just I haven't gotten past yet. I don't know why,
Speaker 4: But maybe I don't know. If I just focus on
Speaker 4: the good stuff, those things will eventually work themselves out.
Speaker 4: I don't know if that's how that works.
Speaker 1: How how long have you had these self worth self
Speaker 1: value issues?
Speaker 3: I don't know, probably for a very long time.
Speaker 4: Well, you know, it starts small and then it and
Speaker 4: it increases and increases. So you know, I probably started
Speaker 4: when I was young and chugging all of that stuff.
Speaker 1: You know, And I think you might have just hit
Speaker 1: on maybe the most important thing is having self worth,
Speaker 1: self value issues. How would you rather feel about yourself.
Speaker 1: I want to.
Speaker 4: Feel about myself the way I feel about my sons,
Speaker 4: Like I want to look at myself and be like, yo,
Speaker 4: she is so fucking awesome. At the end of the day,
Speaker 4: It's just like, no matter what I do, I'm always
Speaker 4: criticizing myself, Like I'm always like, what can she be?
Speaker 1: Why? Why?
Speaker 4: Like it's like you said, not focusing on the good stuff,
Speaker 4: Like instead of focusing on the fact that, okay, well
Speaker 4: you before having a baby, you took care of your
Speaker 4: body pretty damn good. Also, you know, I'm a smoker.
Speaker 4: I do smoke when I'm pregnant and breastfeeding. I stopped
Speaker 4: as soon as I finished breastfeeding, I went back to smoking.
Speaker 3: But instead of focusing on the fact that.
Speaker 4: I'm smoking now, like I should probably focus on the
Speaker 4: fact that I have quit multiple tis so, but I
Speaker 4: don't do that. I just smoke, and then I judge
Speaker 4: myself every single time I do it. So I'm like,
Speaker 4: you know, just stuff like that, Like I don't. I
Speaker 4: don't when it comes to me, It's just really hard
Speaker 4: for me to consistently and continually be pleased with myself,
Speaker 4: and I guess part of it is right now. I
Speaker 4: just think it's because I've been through so many changes
Speaker 4: in the last few years, like getting out the military,
Speaker 4: then being in a job that I don't particularly enjoy,
Speaker 4: pays the bills but don't really like it, and then
Speaker 4: you know, being in a relationship for so long and
Speaker 4: feeling like that person doesn't value me, and then gaining
Speaker 4: weight after having kids. So it's like all of these
Speaker 4: things have happened like within a short period of time,
Speaker 4: and not working out when I used to, Like I
Speaker 4: literally worked out when I was pregnant with my youngest
Speaker 4: till like week thirty one. And I'm not talking about
Speaker 4: like going for walks, like literally in the gym, punching
Speaker 4: heavy bags, like kicking, like doing all of these things,
Speaker 4: and then as soon as I have my kid, like
Speaker 4: not being able to figure out how to adjust to.
Speaker 3: Continue to do that.
Speaker 4: So it's like, okay, so were you doing it for
Speaker 4: yourself or were you just doing it because you were
Speaker 4: pregnant and you wanted to take care of your body
Speaker 4: so that he could be good? But it's like, how
Speaker 4: do you do that for you? You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 4: Like how do you like, Okay, when you're in the military,
Speaker 4: you worked out all the time, but it was a requirement.
Speaker 4: So now it's like, how do you just do it
Speaker 4: for yourself? Like, I don't know why there's such an
Speaker 4: issue with that with me.
Speaker 3: I don't really know. I don't. It's annoying though, cause
Speaker 3: it's like I know so many things, but I just
Speaker 3: I'm just not doing it, you know, like the whole
Speaker 3: thing like, oh, you know better, you do better, like
Speaker 3: that should have done true, a lot of people know better,
Speaker 3: you don't do better.
Speaker 4: They don't like you know, how do you make that
Speaker 4: that transition to say, this is my life, I'm going
Speaker 4: to take care of myself just for the sac of
Speaker 4: the sake of it being for me.
Speaker 3: And I don't know why.
Speaker 1: That's if I answered that, how helpful would that be
Speaker 1: to you? Because I think I know the answer to that.
Speaker 3: I mean, I mean, I'm interested in knowing with your responsiblit.
Speaker 1: Sure, in order to answer that, I have to talk
Speaker 1: to you about your sons. Okay, you're doing something with
Speaker 1: your sons that is very, very important, and you're doing
Speaker 1: it because you didn't have it when you were growing up.
Speaker 1: You said you didn't grow up in a household where
Speaker 1: you were being told I love you a whole lot. Correct, correct,
Speaker 1: So you're what you're doing is you're telling your sons
Speaker 1: I love you every day. Now, what that does is
Speaker 1: there are days that your sons think they're the greatest
Speaker 1: things since sliced bread, and when you say I love you,
Speaker 1: they're going to be like, of course you do, because
Speaker 1: I'm awesome and you're supposed to love me because I'm
Speaker 1: the greatest. But then there are also days when your
Speaker 1: sons don't feel great, like maybe they had a tough
Speaker 1: day at school, or maybe they got in trouble at home.
Speaker 1: And on those days, you say I love you too,
Speaker 1: and that makes them feel worthy because even when I'm
Speaker 1: not at my best, my mother loves me. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense.
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 1: What you're doing to yourself, and I think it comes
Speaker 1: from the environment you were raised in, is you're making
Speaker 1: your love conditional upon your performance. So I must be
Speaker 1: worthy if I woke up and I worked out, and
Speaker 1: I did good things, and I was productive and I
Speaker 1: was awesome and all those things. When you consistently tell
Speaker 1: your children that you love them, they just feel worthy.
Speaker 1: They don't think their love is conditional upon performance. So
Speaker 1: I want you to treat Jaylen as if her love
Speaker 1: for self is not conditional upon performance. I want you
Speaker 1: to do exactly for yourself what you do for your children,
Speaker 1: which is, every single day, notice the good things about yourself,
Speaker 1: and it has nothing to do with what you did
Speaker 1: that day. It has to do with who you are
Speaker 1: as a human. You do this magically well with your children,
Speaker 1: but not as well with yourself, which makes sense because
Speaker 1: you didn't get taught this at an early age. Yeah,
Speaker 1: to be honest with you, you're an amazing person, and
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter whether you worked out this morning. It
Speaker 1: doesn't matter whether you smoked a cigarette today. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter whether you did great things at work today. That's
Speaker 1: those things are not relevant in the same way that
Speaker 1: your children. And I love this phrase. My youngest son
Speaker 1: will smack this shit out of his brother, but he
Speaker 1: is still really really dope. That is exactly how I
Speaker 1: want you to look at Jaylen. She may have smoked today,
Speaker 1: but she's still really really dope. She may not have
Speaker 1: worked out today, but she is still really really dope.
Speaker 1: When you can treat and talk to and think about
Speaker 1: yourself in that way, all the other things will click
Speaker 1: into place.
Speaker 3: Yes, as they say, fake it.
Speaker 1: So you make it. But I would say notice it
Speaker 1: until it's real, because it's there. It's not even faking
Speaker 1: it because that would imply you're not dope. So just
Speaker 1: pretend you're to until you become dope. That is like, no,
Speaker 1: you are, you're just not attending to it.
Speaker 3: I just don't believe that though.
Speaker 1: Well, then let's can we discover it together, because I'm
Speaker 1: telling you, Jay, the reason you don't believe it isn't
Speaker 1: because it's not there. The reason you don't believe it
Speaker 1: is because your parents didn't teach you to pay attention
Speaker 1: to it. And what makes that so remarkable is in
Speaker 1: spite of that fact, you're still doing it with your
Speaker 1: two kids. Let's start here because I don't believe in
Speaker 1: giving people compliments unless I can support the compliment with evidence.
Speaker 1: So let me give you an example of what I
Speaker 1: mean when I say, Jay Lennon is an amazing person.
Speaker 1: Do you understand how hard it is not to recreate
Speaker 1: a pattern in your children? So what we all do
Speaker 1: as human beings, like literally almost all of us, we
Speaker 1: do what we were trained to do, even if it
Speaker 1: causes harm we do what we were trained to do.
Speaker 1: You're doing the exact opposite. You were trained not to
Speaker 1: view yourself in this loving way, and you have decided
Speaker 1: to break that pattern, and you are viewing your children
Speaker 1: in this loving way. So when you sit back and
Speaker 1: you think, but I don't think it's I don't view
Speaker 1: myself that way. That's where I want you to start,
Speaker 1: because it is incredibly special that you have broken a
Speaker 1: family pattern and your children are gonna benefit for the
Speaker 1: rest of their life with that fact, I want you
Speaker 1: to practice viewing yourself through the lens of you are
Speaker 1: really awesome? Can you do that? I want you to
Speaker 1: view yourself through the lens of how awesome you are. Now,
Speaker 1: You're not perfect, So every single day there will be
Speaker 1: things that like, oh, I wish I fixed that flower,
Speaker 1: I wish I wish I didn't make those kind of mistakes.
Speaker 1: But I also want you to pay attention to the
Speaker 1: things that make you, as you said, really really dope. Okay,
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to give you an exercise to do
Speaker 1: to help you do that. Okay, can you hear me?
Speaker 1: You said about your children, they do something every single
Speaker 1: day to make me proud. Every single day, I want
Speaker 1: you to think of one thing you do that makes
Speaker 1: you proud of yourself. Like when somebody comes in and
Speaker 1: they say, this laundry mat is doing better, and I
Speaker 1: want you to think what role do I play in that?
Speaker 1: Or when your employee brings you lunch, I want you
Speaker 1: to say, what have I done to make them care
Speaker 1: for me in such a way? Like I want you
Speaker 1: to always be thinking about what have you done that
Speaker 1: makes you proud of yourself? My goal is we got
Speaker 1: to put something on the other side of the neutral.
Speaker 1: Can't just have negative and neutral. I've got to have negative,
Speaker 1: neutral and positive and quite frankly, and you deserve it.
Speaker 3: Gotcha that next time we meet, I'm going to start
Speaker 3: off with something so positive I love it.
Speaker 1: Just wait all right. That means you have to be
Speaker 1: paying attention to.
Speaker 3: It absolutely and I gotta allow myself.
Speaker 1: To yam, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 3: I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker 1: Your self worth is significantly impacted by your childhood, be
Speaker 1: it positive or negative, and those of us who have
Speaker 1: had trauma in our childhood and abuse and neglect and
Speaker 1: abandonment usually have massive self worth issues. But there's good
Speaker 1: news is you can restore that by simply shifting your
Speaker 1: mindset and focusing on how you got through those experiences
Speaker 1: and not folks on that those experiences happened. I think
Speaker 1: this goes back to the toxic positivity thing. I am
Speaker 1: someone who has experienced massive childhood trauma. My father was
Speaker 1: quite abusive, and I really just have two choices. I
Speaker 1: can continue to ruminate, which I did for years, on
Speaker 1: why my father did this and that had happened and
Speaker 1: why me and all of those things, which lead to
Speaker 1: a low self belief and low self worth. Or I
Speaker 1: can start asking myself how I survived it and achieved things.
Speaker 1: How did I survive that childhood and graduate from high
Speaker 1: school and college and get a master's degree and you know,
Speaker 1: get married, on all of the things. And when you
Speaker 1: start thinking about how you overcame challenges on your path,
Speaker 1: the inherent consequence of that is an increase in self worth.
Speaker 1: And the beautiful thing is that's the kind of self
Speaker 1: worth that no one can take from you. When we return,
Speaker 1: we will learn more about Freddie's challenges to reconnect with
Speaker 1: the children and the power in expressing love. If you
Speaker 1: are out there struggling with addiction, it is very likely
Speaker 1: you made real mistakes in the relationships in your life.
Speaker 1: You ruptured relationships with your romantic partner, you ruptured relationship
Speaker 1: with your children, you ruptured relationship with your parents. I hope,
Speaker 1: more than anything, as you listen to Freddie and his story,
Speaker 1: I hope you pay attention to two very important things.
Speaker 1: The first one is Freddie is one of those people.
Speaker 1: He made mistakes in his relationships, most notably and highlighted
Speaker 1: here in this process with his children. But I hope
Speaker 1: what you notice is a man who continues to show
Speaker 1: up to therapy, and he continues to talk about reconnecting
Speaker 1: with his children, at times imperfectly, at times with fear, hesitation,
Speaker 1: and anxieties, but he keeps showing up. And I hope
Speaker 1: you see that healing and love are unbelievably powerful things. So,
Speaker 1: no matter what mistakes you made while you were in
Speaker 1: the throes of addiction, on the other side of it
Speaker 1: is the opportunity for healing through the power of love.
Speaker 1: And more than anything, I think that's what this family represents,
Speaker 1: and more than anything, I think that's what Freddie stands for.
Speaker 1: So as you listen to these stories, pay attention to
Speaker 1: Freddie because he's demonstrating something that quite honestly a lot
Speaker 1: of people don't get to see. And I think it's priceless.
Speaker 1: M And you mentioned that your wife will say to you,
Speaker 1: you know, you should call your kids, but you said
Speaker 1: you're not very good at that.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm not, I'm not. I don't. Uh.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 2: I talked to my other daughter that she lives in Virginia. Uh,
Speaker 2: two days ago. Uh I called. I got another daughter
Speaker 2: name the name. I haven't talked to her about a month.
Speaker 2: I talked to my other son, uh. They I talked
Speaker 2: to him about a week ago.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 2: My son in my lost and I haven't talked to
Speaker 2: him about two weeks. Uh. Then I got like, uh
Speaker 2: two step kids or three, and she said, I communicate
Speaker 2: with them more than I communicate with my my biological
Speaker 2: kids though although I raised I raised them for like
Speaker 2: fifteen twenty years. You know, when they were there with kids,
Speaker 2: I raised him, playing with younger childres that got two adults,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it's not that I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't think I favorite either one or not. But
Speaker 2: I got like, I got like nine kids by three
Speaker 2: different women. So uh, I think I know for a
Speaker 2: fact that it's here. Was upset with that because I
Speaker 2: broke up with his mother and moved to Florida for
Speaker 2: like ten years, you know what I mean. I started
Speaker 2: a whole new family that went astray, and I moved
Speaker 2: from Florida, moved somewhere else and started another family, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So it seemed like I don't
Speaker 2: know if I fall. I know, I'm settled well at
Speaker 2: right now, my heart, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 2: it's kind of it's kind of crazy because I obey
Speaker 2: this song. I think, uh uh, you're probably familiar with
Speaker 2: this song. Uh uh uh guy. Verses of a natural high.
Speaker 2: I'm on cloud nine, natural high, and I never really
Speaker 2: uh knew what a natural high felt like, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, as far as like like when I
Speaker 2: make love to my wife, now I be, I be,
Speaker 2: I be floating on cloud nine and she'd be bothering.
Speaker 2: That's I tell I never realized how it feel to
Speaker 2: have a natural high. You know what I'm saying, That
Speaker 2: a woman can make you feel like you're on cloud nine,
Speaker 2: just float, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: I had a couple of questions, but my first one
Speaker 1: is what what what do you think is interfering with
Speaker 1: your ability to contact your kids, Like, do you feel
Speaker 1: bad about starting another family? Is their guilt? Are you?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: What's the what do you think is the biggest barrier
Speaker 1: that you experience?
Speaker 2: I don't know. Sometimes you you you you uh. I
Speaker 2: think for myself, I think sometimes when you get so
Speaker 2: settle in in in a way you know, you say
Speaker 2: you're gonna do it tomorrow tomorrow, I'll be like always
Speaker 2: ill do it tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. And I
Speaker 2: think that's one of my worst dilemmas in my life
Speaker 2: because when I say I'm gonna do it tomorrow, tomorrow
Speaker 2: never comes. Or if I don't do it right, then
Speaker 2: it won't happen. As far as like I don't. I
Speaker 2: don't think, uh that I feel guilty for having uh
Speaker 2: kids by all these different women, because I love my
Speaker 2: kids and like at the time, like you know, I was,
Speaker 2: I was in love and I fell out loved and
Speaker 2: I fell in love again. Like it's a totally difference
Speaker 2: film with her than I ever had with anybody else.
Speaker 2: So that's why I said to her, I said, I
Speaker 2: don't think I really was in love or it's this
Speaker 2: unless it's different levels of love you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: She said, I don't always have to do the big things,
Speaker 2: and like to make her happy, I gotta just do
Speaker 2: more little things every day to make her happy. And
Speaker 2: she I'll be thinking, like I gotta do something gigantic
Speaker 2: or something far FETs you know what I'm saying to
Speaker 2: express my love. You know, you could just do a
Speaker 2: little thing, you know what I mean. So I was like, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't work too, I could also I could do that.
Speaker 1: So I want to go back to the kids. What
Speaker 1: little things can you do for the nine kids to
Speaker 1: show them that you love them? Like you you do
Speaker 1: these little things and you show your wife that you
Speaker 1: love her. I wonder what little things you could do
Speaker 1: to show the kids that you love them, that they're
Speaker 1: important to you as well.
Speaker 2: And it's funny because, like, I didn't see what he's
Speaker 2: up in about two weeks. So when I went up
Speaker 2: up north and I saw him, he was he had
Speaker 2: a pouty face on, you know what I mean, Uh like,
Speaker 2: come here, come in, and he looked at me and
Speaker 2: start it was pouty, you know what I mean, and
Speaker 2: took and it took like maybe ten fifteen minutes for
Speaker 2: him to come around and start jumping on me and
Speaker 2: playing with me again. So everybody was like, wow, he
Speaker 2: really missed you, We really miss you, and I could
Speaker 2: like it was so uh.
Speaker 1: It was so.
Speaker 2: Uh visible, and everybody noticed him, Like wow. I said, Man, see,
Speaker 2: I gotta start That's what made me really wanted him
Speaker 2: to come stay with me again, because I don't want
Speaker 2: him to uh feel that way anymore. Like you know,
Speaker 2: because like I was when I was living up there,
Speaker 2: I was I was coming to her house almost every
Speaker 2: other day, So I was I was feeling kind of
Speaker 2: guilty about that because, uh, kids there just let you
Speaker 2: know right off the bat how they're feeling, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. You know, I call talk to you
Speaker 2: on the phone, but you know that ain't that's somewhat helpful.
Speaker 2: But you gotta be like the President's gotta be right.
Speaker 1: There was that kid you were talking about, Yes, how
Speaker 1: can you help show your kids, like you just sending
Speaker 1: and Jade and the others that you that you miss
Speaker 1: them and you love them and you care about them
Speaker 1: and you want to be in their lives.
Speaker 2: Well, I gotta be more attentive to them. I gotta
Speaker 2: start doing things with them, start calling them each and
Speaker 2: every day or each every other day. Uh, trying to
Speaker 2: spend quality time with them, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: doing uh, you know, doing things with them, man, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, like uh or even in something
Speaker 2: even buying it like I miss you card and send
Speaker 2: them a card or something like that, just saying I
Speaker 2: miss you, I love you and stuff love that nature.
Speaker 1: Do you miss them?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I do, I really do.
Speaker 1: Do you care about them?
Speaker 2: I love my kids? Yeah too, And I ain't where
Speaker 2: I want to do for them? Man? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Do you think they know that? Now I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: not saying you're wrong, but like, do they know that
Speaker 1: that there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them?
Speaker 2: One question? They realized that, Like my wife always says,
Speaker 2: she says, sometimes you always try to do the do
Speaker 2: something that's so big you all you gotta do is
Speaker 2: do the little things every day. He should waiting to
Speaker 2: try to do something that's gonna be real big, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, because sometimes the big thing never happened.
Speaker 2: But you keep doing the little things and to the
Speaker 2: little things work up to the big things, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. So now that you know I am
Speaker 2: a little more situated and things are starting to come on,
Speaker 2: you know together financially, I can. I could do things,
Speaker 2: you know, for our cinemas and flowers or cinemas or
Speaker 2: you know, I missed your card, I love your card
Speaker 2: or something like that.
Speaker 1: You know, would they be surprised to get that and
Speaker 1: I miss your card and I love your card from you?
Speaker 2: Oh man, I think so, because I think uh when
Speaker 2: I sent uh, I think it was the year before last.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: I sent all the all the mother's mother Day's cards,
Speaker 2: and they was there was there was you know, I
Speaker 2: could see that espressally on their face that when they
Speaker 2: got the car and and they all called me. You
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Because that Uh, it's something that
Speaker 2: you know, I don't I don't do, and it needs
Speaker 2: to be done on a frequent basis, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. It's not something I should just be done,
Speaker 2: uh on every other year. It's be done, you know,
Speaker 2: on on a steady basis.
Speaker 1: I think that's true. Freddie. If if I had all
Speaker 1: nine of your kids in a room and I interviewed
Speaker 1: them and I asked them, what do you think of
Speaker 1: your father? What do you think they would say?
Speaker 2: Well, I think they would be Uh, happy that that
Speaker 2: where my life is now, where I'm at right now,
Speaker 2: as far as you know, compared to my life, Uh,
Speaker 2: maybe five years ago.
Speaker 1: It was different about your life five years ago.
Speaker 2: About five or ten years old. I was I was
Speaker 2: in the streets, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 2: I was in the streets.
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 2: Doing drinking, high, just running the streets.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 2: I had no no, my life had had no direction
Speaker 2: as far just all I want to do is be
Speaker 2: in the streets, hustle and make money and just run
Speaker 2: the streets, you know what I mean. So uh, and
Speaker 2: I think now that you know, I don't I don't
Speaker 2: indulge in any of all those things. Right now. My
Speaker 2: life is three I've been clean for five years going
Speaker 2: on six.
Speaker 1: From what drug? You got clean from?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 2: Everything?
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 2: And then you will say what do you call? God
Speaker 2: says it didn't matter if you had it, I want
Speaker 2: some of it, you know what I mean? Uh, it
Speaker 2: didn't matter. So I'm so proud of my life by
Speaker 2: right now because I thought I would die in those streets.
Speaker 1: Yeah, A lot of people do every day.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2: And I thank God for deliverance.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: You just don't know how much I thank God for deliver.
Speaker 1: Did it happen? How did you get clean?
Speaker 2: How did it happen?
Speaker 1: What was the turning point? How did you? How did
Speaker 1: you get clean? From all that?
Speaker 2: I think, I think when you get tied and you
Speaker 2: you you you uh lose everything and you don't got
Speaker 2: the shirt on your back no more, and people just
Speaker 2: give up hope on you, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: and you find yourself like a rock body, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: It's so many times that I look back at it
Speaker 2: and I say, ah, if I only did this before,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, if I only got clean before,
Speaker 2: my life would be so much better, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. But I can't look at it like that.
Speaker 2: I'm clean now, and I'm grateful for that. And and
Speaker 2: I think because like for like I would say, ten
Speaker 2: fifteen years, my life was like that, you know, when
Speaker 2: I was in them streets, you know, and like I said,
Speaker 2: it destroys so many things in my life, you know,
Speaker 2: destroy relationship with my kids, destroyed relationship. I lost a
Speaker 2: lot of money, I lost a lot of materialist things.
Speaker 2: I lost respectful you know from people, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, and I just thank God for
Speaker 2: deliverance now, man, like, wow, why why you know what
Speaker 2: happened when it happened, And I'm grateful for it, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. I can't go back and say
Speaker 2: I wish I could have done it earlier in my life.
Speaker 2: I'm just happy now I've done it now, you know
Speaker 2: what I mean. So I could just build off now
Speaker 2: my life the way it is now. I could just
Speaker 2: build off the way it is now, you know. I think, Uh,
Speaker 2: all my all my kids, they like they they're old
Speaker 2: enough to know the type of life I have, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, And so they see that I
Speaker 2: don't turn I turned my life in the three sixty,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Uhh, Like I said, I
Speaker 2: don't indulge anything. I have a beer on it. I
Speaker 2: don't even really remember the last time how to be here,
Speaker 2: you know what I matter? Or the football game. I
Speaker 2: had to be at a football game. But other than that,
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't indulge myself with people that use drugs,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't like my turn
Speaker 2: my back on them or nothing like that, but I
Speaker 2: don't be around them. I don't indulge with them, and
Speaker 2: I don't. I can't it's not that, you know, I
Speaker 2: hate them for because they do what they do. That's
Speaker 2: their business, you know what I mean. But I don't
Speaker 2: want no parts of it, you know what I mean
Speaker 2: at all?
Speaker 1: And you you mentioned something, you said when you're on
Speaker 1: them streets, you lost money, people respect for you, and
Speaker 1: you said it hurts your relationship with your kids, and
Speaker 1: then you turned your life around, like three sixty. What
Speaker 1: have you done to repair the relationship with the kids
Speaker 1: from all you know, ten fifteen years out on the streets.
Speaker 2: Well, I've been making attempts. I would say they're kind
Speaker 2: of fertile attempts, you know what I mean. I could
Speaker 2: be doing a substantial amount of more things to uh
Speaker 2: repay my relationship with my kids. But I think as
Speaker 2: far as me uh being in their life each and
Speaker 2: every day or each and every uh like that, h
Speaker 2: it's lacking. It's lacking greatly, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Because which I like, I like, Like I said, I make,
Speaker 2: I make futile attempts on trying to uh maintain that,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Sometimes you get caught up
Speaker 2: in your own, your own world, and one day slipping
Speaker 2: to two days and two days of slipping to two
Speaker 2: weeks before you know, it'd be a whole month and
Speaker 2: you know, missed out again, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: And I feel so guilty about myself as far as
Speaker 2: not being able to uh maintain a relationship with my
Speaker 2: kids or keep staying involved with them.
Speaker 1: I think you you have some work to do to
Speaker 1: repair those relationships.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I know I do.
Speaker 1: How do you overcome that fear so that you can
Speaker 1: do the things you need to do to two heal
Speaker 1: the relationship with the kids.
Speaker 2: Well, I think I gotta be more persistent, you know,
Speaker 2: I gotta be more uh hum, I got I gotta
Speaker 2: maintain uh h uh uh a relationship with them. Like
Speaker 2: one week I call them, two weeks I'll call them.
Speaker 2: Three weeks to go by, and I don't call them.
Speaker 2: I don't maintain. I don't once I see I established
Speaker 2: something with them and we have a good relationship going,
Speaker 2: and then for some reason, I just fall back into
Speaker 2: my my cycle. Gain I get to relax. Now. I
Speaker 2: don't show no initiative. I don't call them them allut
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't send them no flowers.
Speaker 2: I don't send no no, you know, I don't. I
Speaker 2: don't do anything, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: And and.
Speaker 2: Then when I I I think, when I try to
Speaker 2: communicate with them again, they don't. They hold back a
Speaker 2: little bit because I think every time I get into it,
Speaker 2: I come into their life, I go out their life.
Speaker 2: I come into their life, I go out their life,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. That's why my and I
Speaker 2: blame myself with that because I don't I don't be persistent.
Speaker 2: I don't stay you know, I don't stay on it.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I don't stay on.
Speaker 1: How's it going to help you? How's it going to
Speaker 1: help you to stay on it?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: What what difference is it going to make in your
Speaker 1: life when you're able to stay on it?
Speaker 2: I don't really know. Because if I knew that answer
Speaker 2: to that, I would be more persistent. I would be
Speaker 2: more involved in their life each and every day.
Speaker 1: Can we figure this out together, Freddy?
Speaker 2: I would love to try to figure it out, man,
Speaker 2: I tell you.
Speaker 1: Because I just asked you, like, how was going to
Speaker 1: help you when you get persistent? You were like, I
Speaker 1: don't really know yet. Well, let's figure that out. Can
Speaker 1: I ask you to do a really really hard thing?
Speaker 2: Yeah? You sure can.
Speaker 1: I want you to call each of the nine children
Speaker 1: and let them know that you love them, you want
Speaker 1: to be in their lives, and you apologize for any
Speaker 1: hurt being in those streets might have caused them. Can
Speaker 1: you say that to each of the nine kids. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love you, I want to be in your life,
Speaker 1: and I apologize for any hurtful thing that happened while
Speaker 1: I was in those streets for ten or fifteen years.
Speaker 2: Hmm. Yeah, I've made attempts to do that before, and
Speaker 2: like I said, I'll be in the life for a
Speaker 2: period of time. Yeah, I don't be persistent.
Speaker 1: With right now. I don't want you. I don't even
Speaker 1: want you worrying about being consistent. I just want you
Speaker 1: to do that one thing. We'll build consistency after that,
Speaker 1: but right now, I just want you to do the
Speaker 1: one thing.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: It doesn't even matter if you're consistent right now. We're
Speaker 1: just gonna start with the one step, and if you
Speaker 1: can do that one step with each of the nine kids,
Speaker 1: then we'll take another step.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: And nine's a lot, but you gotta do it because
Speaker 1: I want them to know the father that they actually have,
Speaker 1: that actually loves and cares for them. But you got
Speaker 1: to take accountability for what happened, so you can heal
Speaker 1: this relationship right, And then what you and I are
Speaker 1: going to figure out is now, once you start that
Speaker 1: healing journey, what difference is it gonna make for Freddy.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna call them, all of them, talk to each.
Speaker 1: At the end of each session, I tend to invite
Speaker 1: clients to do something, or to notice something, or to
Speaker 1: pay attention to something, and it's really important that they
Speaker 1: receive that, But it's not necessarily important that they do it,
Speaker 1: because it doesn't matter to me whether the client comes
Speaker 1: back to the session and they've done the task, or
Speaker 1: they've done something else, or they didn't do it. The
Speaker 1: fact that they were asked to do it puts change
Speaker 1: in their mind. And when you notice change, you are
Speaker 1: already progressing. So the very reason that I will often
Speaker 1: invite clients to do something is simply to keep change
Speaker 1: on their mind, whether they do it, don't do it,
Speaker 1: or do something else when they come back to therapy,
Speaker 1: that's where we're going to start the exploration. But it's
Speaker 1: very important that people constantly have change and the details
Speaker 1: of change in their purview, in their perception stay tuned
Speaker 1: for my final thoughts after this. So people often say
Speaker 1: that time heals all wounds, and I don't believe that
Speaker 1: is true. If it's simply the passage of time that
Speaker 1: were to create healing, then things like resentment and festering
Speaker 1: and estrangement wouldn't exist. I'll tell you what time does do.
Speaker 1: Time provides opportunity for healing and growth. But you have
Speaker 1: to be an active participant in your healing. You have
Speaker 1: to be an active participant in your growth. You have
Speaker 1: to accept it's going to be hard, it's going to
Speaker 1: be challenging, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to
Speaker 1: put you in situations that sometimes you'd rather not be in.
Speaker 1: But it's worthwhile and it's meaningful. And there is nothing
Speaker 1: in this world like the heal that can take place
Speaker 1: after something negative has happened within a relationship in your life.
Speaker 1: But if the relationship is meaningful enough, time provides opportunity
Speaker 1: for healing and growth. More than anything. This family represents
Speaker 1: three people that we're getting to listen to, but even
Speaker 1: a larger extent of all of the people in the system,
Speaker 1: like Jay and David's children whom we don't meet on
Speaker 1: the podcast, and bread each other children whom we don't
Speaker 1: meet in the podcast. This family represents taking the opportunity
Speaker 1: to participate in healing and growth even when it is
Speaker 1: hard and uncomfortable. That's what this process is about. And
Speaker 1: I want everybody to take away from this episode and
Speaker 1: this season at large. Time in and of itself is
Speaker 1: not enough. Time does not heal all wounds. Active participation
Speaker 1: in your healing and growth heals all ways. This is
Speaker 1: not just a podcast that I want you to consume
Speaker 1: and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired.
Speaker 1: I want you to be impacted by this and in fact,
Speaker 1: we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
Speaker 1: So what I would like for you to do is
Speaker 1: come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
Speaker 1: journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
Speaker 1: do that is to just pay attention to the things
Speaker 1: going on in your life as a consequence of listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
Speaker 1: shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
Speaker 1: desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
Speaker 1: your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
Speaker 1: know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
Speaker 1: as a result of listening to this podcast and as
Speaker 1: a result of paying attention to the things I would
Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect
Speaker 1: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
Speaker 1: also send me a text message to nine seven two
Speaker 1: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by
Speaker 1: Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S
Speaker 1: fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 1: The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
Speaker 1: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
Speaker 1: any specific concerns or questions you may have.