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Speaker 1: Self worth is determined by a number of different variables.

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Speaker 1: The most important one is in your childhood how people

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Speaker 1: treated and talk to you. And when I say people,

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Speaker 1: I mean most specifically your family, your parents, and the

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Speaker 1: people closest to you. Another way that self worth can

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Speaker 1: be determined is when you notice yourself overcoming challenges and

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Speaker 1: achieving meaningful accomplishments. That second part is really important because

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Speaker 1: some of us weren't raised by families that talk to

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Speaker 1: us in such a way that leads to really healthy

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Speaker 1: self worth. So if there was no other way, then

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Speaker 1: that would mean the people who were not raised by

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Speaker 1: those sorts of families would just be doomed for life.

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Speaker 1: But you can still rebuild your self worth if you

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Speaker 1: didn't have that initial boost by simply noticing yourself achieving

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Speaker 1: things and overcoming hard things. Welcome back to Family Therapy.

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Speaker 1: I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: ask you what's been better since you listened to the

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Speaker 1: previous episode? Because I want to continue to shift your

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Speaker 1: mind towards signs of progress, things in your life you're

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Speaker 1: pleased with, and anything else that is positive, because that

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Speaker 1: makes life more worthwhile. Today, I want to explore the

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Speaker 1: difference between toxic positivity versus a positive mindset shift, and

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Speaker 1: explain a little bit about what toxic positivity is. Toxic

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Speaker 1: positivity is when people kind of force the belief that

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Speaker 1: you should be positive in all situations and suppress negative emotions.

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Speaker 1: So now I want to high I want to pay

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Speaker 1: really counteres into that last part and like really suppressed

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Speaker 1: negative emotions. So there are people that are like, you know,

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Speaker 1: find the positive in everything, but that's very different than

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Speaker 1: a positive mindset. A positive mindset is being able to

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Speaker 1: focus on the parts of the story that are in

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Speaker 1: line with what you are trying to achieve, and being

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Speaker 1: able to focus on the parts of the story that

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Speaker 1: are in line with who you are hoping to become.

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Speaker 1: The type of therapy that I do is known as

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Speaker 1: solution focused brief therapy, and many people kind of misunderstand

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Speaker 1: that approach as a positive approach, but I would actually

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Speaker 1: say it's not positive or negative. I would say the

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Speaker 1: solution focused approach is change congruent, and a positive mindset

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Speaker 1: are those people that can continue to focus on the

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Speaker 1: change they're trying to create and things that are in

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Speaker 1: line with achieving the things that they're set out to achieve.

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Speaker 1: I think that's a really really important distinction, and clinically,

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Speaker 1: my job is to listen to the person's negative emotions

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Speaker 1: and difficult experiences, but help shift their thinking towards things

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Speaker 1: that are more congruent and more in line with change.

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Speaker 1: That's a very, very difficult job, but that is in

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Speaker 1: fact my job as a psychotherapist. My job is to

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Speaker 1: be a change agent, and I know the most efficient

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Speaker 1: and consistent way to achieve change is to focus on

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Speaker 1: the details that lead towards change and focus on the

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Speaker 1: things that are congruent to the kinds of change you're

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Speaker 1: trying to achieve. We do have a tendency to attract

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Speaker 1: what is familiar to us. The most consistent way that

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Speaker 1: we see this, and there's a lot of research about this,

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Speaker 1: is mostly women who have been raised in abuse of

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Speaker 1: household tend to attract abusers because we absolutely find and

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Speaker 1: settle in what is most comfortable as opposed to what

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Speaker 1: is most good for us. And that's not always a

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Speaker 1: bad thing, not always a good thing. But human beings

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Speaker 1: are creatures that seek comfort, not necessarily creatures that seek

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Speaker 1: joy or happiness. We seek comfort and the easiest way

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Speaker 1: to change this is we have to accept change comes

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Speaker 1: with uncomfort. So if I notice a pattern in.

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Speaker 2: My life and it.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't matter what the pattern is, and I desire to

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Speaker 1: change said pattern, I have to accept it is going

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Speaker 1: to come with uncomfort. It is going to come with difficulty,

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Speaker 1: It is going to come with a tension. And to

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Speaker 1: give you an example, I worked with a woman many

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Speaker 1: years ago clinically, and she was in a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a man for the first time in her life that

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Speaker 1: would not hit her. She said, I was my dad

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Speaker 1: was an abuser, the boyfriends I had in my early

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Speaker 1: life were abusers. My first and second husband were abusers.

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Speaker 1: I then met this guy online and he will not

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Speaker 1: hit me, which my brain is translating as he doesn't

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Speaker 1: love me, because everybody that loved me prior to him

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Speaker 1: hit me. So that's the tension in her head. I

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Speaker 1: logically know that it's good not to be hit, but

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Speaker 1: I also struggle with the tension of but everyone in

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Speaker 1: my past has done this action, and she had to

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Speaker 1: learn to be comfortable in the new environment. So that's

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Speaker 1: how you change it. You have to accept that going

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Speaker 1: from what I'm familiar with to a new experience even

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Speaker 1: though it is a positive experience, is going to create

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Speaker 1: uncomfort and it's going to create create tension, and you

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Speaker 1: have to stick with it until that becomes the new

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Speaker 1: familiar experience. In this episode, we will be focusing on

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Speaker 1: Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead. Freddie

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Speaker 1: opens up about his past addictions and the fear of

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Speaker 1: reconnecting with his nine children, while Jay is learning how

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Speaker 1: her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and

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Speaker 1: her self value. So, Jay, what's been better since we

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Speaker 1: last talked?

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Speaker 3: Mm HMMs been much the same?

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Speaker 4: Can't pinpoint anything specifically better, but things are fine?

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Speaker 1: How do you know? Like what's fine?

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Speaker 4: I mean, I don't feel down today, like I feel

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Speaker 4: even kill.

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Speaker 3: It like nothing's particularly bad?

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Speaker 1: And how do you know you don't feel particularly down today?

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Speaker 1: Like what's what's happening? Lets you know, like this is

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Speaker 1: a day where you don't feel down?

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Speaker 4: I don't feel I just don't feel like super stressed.

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Speaker 3: I don't feel like.

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Speaker 4: It's not like a lot of negative talk in my

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Speaker 4: mind right now, I don't know, there's no there's no

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Speaker 4: pain points that I can identify instead.

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Speaker 1: Of feeling down. How would you describe the way you

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Speaker 1: feel today neutral okay, and instead of negative like talk

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Speaker 1: what's what what's happening in your today?

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Speaker 4: I am just kind of focusing on what things I

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Speaker 4: need to do and doing what would.

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Speaker 1: You hope to get accomplished most today?

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 4: I feel like we have good conversations, but I kind

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Speaker 4: of feel like after we get off the phone, it's

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Speaker 4: kind of just like, okay, like that was a good conversation,

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Speaker 4: but I don't know that anything is changing, per se.

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Speaker 1: Can I can I say something about that? M h,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you, and I want you

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Speaker 1: to respond one honestly, Okay. I want to tell you

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite things about you is you seem

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Speaker 1: to be a very focused, determined and positive person. Okay,

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Speaker 1: is it okay? Is it okay? If I accuse you

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Speaker 1: of those things?

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Speaker 3: Mm hmm, I'm just waiting for the butt.

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Speaker 1: No, no, there's no, but I promise there, I'm not.

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Speaker 1: You know, you seem to be a nice person, but like, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say.

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Speaker 3: That, okay.

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Speaker 1: And also maybe my favorite conversation we've ever had the

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Speaker 1: first time we talked, I literally don't think I saw

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Speaker 1: you smile. Once you were just very kind of what

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Speaker 1: I would refer to in my field is like flat affect.

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Speaker 1: And then as I've gotten to know you, you're actually hilarious.

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Speaker 1: And I remember you told me like the mom that

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Speaker 1: you run into at the daycare, and like you're actually

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Speaker 1: really funny, like you're witty and sharp. The thing I

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Speaker 1: wonder about, yeah, you do. The thing I wonder about

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Speaker 1: is when I ask you, so, what's been better? You

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Speaker 1: seem to have you seem to have like two, like

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Speaker 1: two sides, but I actually want you to have three.

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Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is things are either

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Speaker 1: negative or neutral, but there's got to be something on

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Speaker 1: the other side of the neutral. So it's got to

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Speaker 1: be like negative, neutral, positive, you know. So there I'll

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Speaker 1: ask you what's been better, and you'll say, well, things

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Speaker 1: are kind of neutral. But then you start saying things

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, that sounds super positive to me,

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Speaker 1: and I find myself thinking, how come she doesn't perceive

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Speaker 1: that as positive? Does that make sense? So what do

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Speaker 1: you think about that? Like, because it's really important that

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Speaker 1: we have those three phases to our life. I guess

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying is I think there are things positive

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Speaker 1: happening around you, but you're not catching it and putting

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Speaker 1: it in the bucket of positive. And a brilliant man

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Speaker 1: once said, a change is only a change if it's noticed.

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Speaker 1: So it makes me wonder is Jaylen noticing all of

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Speaker 1: the positive changes or is she not noticing him just

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Speaker 1: and just realizing, oh, this is a day where I

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Speaker 1: don't feel awful, so I get to just okay instead

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Speaker 1: of like, if we notice the good things, we can

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Speaker 1: put those in the positive end of the neutral. Does

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Speaker 1: that make sense?

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Speaker 3: Yes, it does. I think my challenge is.

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Speaker 4: Like I do see them as positive, but how I

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Speaker 4: feel about them is neutral, which is like, I'm not

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Speaker 4: allowing myself to be excited about these things being positive

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Speaker 4: because you're absolutely right. You know, if you have a

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Speaker 4: business and everything's going well, Yeah, why would you not.

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Speaker 3: Put that in the positive box? Yeah? You know, it's

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Speaker 3: a mind shift change.

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Speaker 4: It's a an ability to allow myself to get happy

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Speaker 4: about those things. I guess sometimes I don't like to

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Speaker 4: get too excited about stuff because I expect something to

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Speaker 4: happen that's going to need my attention, which also is

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Speaker 4: not necessarily a bad thing.

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Speaker 3: But I just I guess I'm just not allowing myself

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Speaker 3: to enjoy it.

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Speaker 4: I'm pretty like I mean, obviously I have moments where

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Speaker 4: I'm like having fun and I'm excited about stuff, But

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Speaker 4: I would say my general disposition is not someone who

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Speaker 4: is like.

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Speaker 3: Super happy.

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Speaker 1: So I find myself wondering how could we help Jalen

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Speaker 1: make that shift where she is noticing good things and

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Speaker 1: allowing herself to enjoy them. Because here's this can I

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you what I consider the secret of life.

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Speaker 3: You ready, I'm ready?

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Speaker 1: I think the secret of life, and I really I'm

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Speaker 1: not joking when I say that, I genuinely believe this

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Speaker 1: is a secret of life. The secret of life is

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Speaker 1: when you realize every single person, every single day, has

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Speaker 1: good things and bad things happening. So the secret of

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Speaker 1: life isn't to make good things happen because there are

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Speaker 1: good things happening all around us all the time. And

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Speaker 1: the secret of life isn't to make bad things not

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Speaker 1: happen because they're bad things happening around us all the time.

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Speaker 1: The secret of life is living your life, paying more

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Speaker 1: attention than the good things than the bad. But some

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Speaker 1: of us have had the kind of life where it's

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Speaker 1: easier to notice the bad because they seem to be

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Speaker 1: more frequent. So how do I help Jayen really notice

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Speaker 1: and embrace the good things of life? How do you

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Speaker 1: do that? Let me ask you this, if I took

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Speaker 1: you back to a time in your life when you

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Speaker 1: were like the happiest, most excited version of yourself, can

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Speaker 1: you think back to that time?

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Speaker 3: I guess the most recent is when I gave birth twice.

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Speaker 1: Oh, when you gave birth, that was the most excited

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Speaker 1: and happy.

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Speaker 2: M h.

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Speaker 1: Why what was it about the giving birth process, Jalen

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Speaker 1: that made you happy?

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Speaker 4: I just, you know, I just don't take it for

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Speaker 4: granted that I've had the opportunity to be a mother.

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Speaker 4: So I just find that to be a beautiful blessing.

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Speaker 4: And it is just a great opportunity to have to

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Speaker 4: have two young men, young boys that will become men,

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Speaker 4: and I get to mold their life and kind of

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Speaker 4: present them to the world as just kind, brave, intelligent

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Speaker 4: human beings.

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Speaker 3: So I you know, I was.

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Speaker 4: Excited, Like, giving birth in itself is extremely painful, at

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Speaker 4: least it was for me, but I was excited to

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Speaker 4: have that gift.

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Speaker 1: So where did you learn to view motherhood of these

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Speaker 1: two boys as a gift and something you should not

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Speaker 1: take for granted.

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Speaker 4: I don't know, I guess because I was an auntie

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Speaker 4: for so long. So when I finally realized, oh shit,

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Speaker 4: I'm going to be a mom now, like I don't

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Speaker 4: that the acknowledgment just made me so happy. Like I

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Speaker 4: did have an abortion, and I did lose a child.

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Speaker 3: When I was pregnant. I did have a miscarriage.

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Speaker 4: So when my first son was born, I was just like, wow,

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Speaker 4: like this is so cool, Like I really have this

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Speaker 4: chance to be a mom, which it wasn't something that

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Speaker 4: I necessarily thought was going to happen.

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Speaker 3: In my life.

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Speaker 4: So when it happened, I just happy about it.

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Speaker 1: And I know they're really young, But have you had

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Speaker 1: a moment when you were very proud of them? Like

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Speaker 1: have one of your children done something that made you

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Speaker 1: like really proud of that of that child?

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Speaker 3: Yes, all the time, both of them.

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Speaker 1: Oh really, can you give me an example? Can you

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Speaker 1: give me an example?

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Speaker 3: Sure?

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Speaker 4: I mean my five year old he having you know,

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Speaker 4: a baby brother was kind of a transition for him

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Speaker 4: and I, you know, and you know, and little and

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Speaker 4: little brothers are kind of like you know, my youngest

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Speaker 4: will literally walk up to him and smax shit out

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Speaker 4: for absolutely no reason, which is, you know, kind of foul.

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Speaker 4: It's something that you're gonna have to get used to.

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Speaker 4: But he would you know, normally turn around in the

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Speaker 4: beginning and just hit him back or push him. And

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Speaker 4: now he's learning to, you know, speak assertively to him

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Speaker 4: and let him know, like that's not what you do,

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Speaker 4: you do this instead, So I'm proud to see him

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Speaker 4: do that. He's also my oldest is a little emotional,

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Speaker 4: so when he's able to kind of manage his emotions

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Speaker 4: a little bit better when he gets upset, I'm proud

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Speaker 4: of him. It's like every day, I'm proud of him.

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Speaker 4: He does something every day that I'm looking and watching

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Speaker 4: and I'm so happy for him. My youngest is talking more.

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Speaker 4: He's a little more reserved than my oldest, but he's

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Speaker 4: talking more. He really likes to sing, so i'd love

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Speaker 4: to watch him sing, you know, the alphabets or little

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Speaker 4: songs that he learns the daycare. And he actually really

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Speaker 4: is good at carrying the melody. He doesn't have the

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Speaker 4: words you know out just yet, but he's definitely got

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Speaker 4: the melody down.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, they're awesome. I love them.

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Speaker 1: I Mean, this is going to sound like a loaded question,

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Speaker 1: but I have to ask it. Do you allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to enjoy motherhood?

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Speaker 3: I think so? Okay, I think so.

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Speaker 1: It sounds like it sounds like you do.

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Speaker 3: To be honest, Yeah, Like it's not easy.

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Speaker 4: No, probably one of the hardest jobs I've ever had,

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Speaker 4: Like and I've been like literally harder than being in

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Speaker 4: the military. But I but you know, the reward is

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Speaker 4: way bigger.

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Speaker 1: Do you tell them how proud you are of them?

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Speaker 1: I do?

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Speaker 3: I do.

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Speaker 4: I tell them I'm proud of them. I tell them

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Speaker 4: I love them. When I had my oldest, I made

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Speaker 4: sure that every single day I would tell him I

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Speaker 4: love him, because I didn't grow up in a household

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Speaker 4: where we said I love you very often, if at all,

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Speaker 4: until maybe later on, But growing up it's not something

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Speaker 4: that I heard often. So when he was born, I said,

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Speaker 4: every day, I'm going to tell this way I love him.

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Speaker 3: And I do the same thing with my youngest, and

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Speaker 3: I do. I love them.

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Speaker 4: I'm proud of them, I'm excited about their lives. They're

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Speaker 4: so cool, they're really really dope.

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Speaker 1: So what do you think it does to them? To

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Speaker 1: have a mom who thinks being their mom is so

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Speaker 1: cool and who thinks my mom thinks I'm really really dope. Like,

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Speaker 1: what do you think it does to them?

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Speaker 4: I hope that it encourages them to be their authentic

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Speaker 4: self and allows them to truly just just be. I

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Speaker 4: think one of my goals as a mother is I

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Speaker 4: want them to be who they are without having the

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Speaker 4: stress of worrying about things that children really shouldn't have

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Speaker 4: to worry about, as far as like household management and

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Speaker 4: finances and all these other things. Like, I just want

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Speaker 4: them to be who they are out now, you know,

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Speaker 4: and just live their life to the fullest, so while

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Speaker 4: also having the value system that we're instilling in them.

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Speaker 4: So I hope it just allows them to be that

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Speaker 4: that's the goal.

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Speaker 1: At least, did you have to try? Because I don't

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Speaker 1: imagine your kids are perfect? No, so, and by the way,

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Speaker 1: that's not being I'm just saying that, Like, no kids

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Speaker 1: are perfect.

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Speaker 2: Right there.

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Speaker 4: No, No kids are perfect. Kids are annoying as hell.

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Speaker 4: Like no, yeah, no, they're awesome, but they are annoying.

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Speaker 1: And you said something remarkable a minute ago. You said,

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Speaker 1: I want to make sure I caught it. Right that

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Speaker 1: they do something that makes me proud every day? Did

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Speaker 1: you say that?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so given that they do something that makes

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Speaker 1: me proud every day, but you also describe them as

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Speaker 1: my kids are really really dope? Do you have to

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Speaker 1: work hard to notice good things about them? Like? How

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Speaker 1: do you how do you notice that? Like my youngest

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Speaker 1: will just walk up to the older brother just match

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Speaker 1: shit out of him, but he's still really really dope?

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Speaker 1: Like how do you hold both? Like they're annoying as

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Speaker 1: hell and they do these really difficult things, but they're

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Speaker 1: still really really dope? Like how do you pay attention

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Speaker 1: to the really really dope part?

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Speaker 3: I choose the focus on it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, what would happen if you did that about your life?

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Speaker 1: Not just about your kids? You I'd like, I want

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Speaker 1: you to take that phrase. I choose to focus on

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Speaker 1: it and like tattoo it on your face, like I

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Speaker 1: want you to tattoo it like on your forehead. What

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Speaker 1: would happen to Jalen's life if you did the exact

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Speaker 1: same thing about yourself? About David, about your laundryn, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, what would happen if you

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Speaker 1: did that? More globally? Through. I honestly believe, Jalen, like

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Speaker 1: I'm getting goosebumps as I think about this. Your children

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Speaker 1: are among the luckiest children in the world. And the

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Speaker 1: reason they're so lucky is because they have a mom

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Speaker 1: who made a promise to them when they were born,

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Speaker 1: and she kept that promise. Like I knew, I grew

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Speaker 1: up in a household where I didn't hear I love

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Speaker 1: you a lot. So I told myself, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: tell these two boys I love them every day. And

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Speaker 1: you've kept that promise. Your children are incredibly lucky because

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Speaker 1: they have a mom who, even though they do stupid stuff,

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Speaker 1: and even though they're annoying, my mom keeps you and

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Speaker 1: me as if I'm really really dope.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: That is a gift you're giving to your children, Jalen.

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Speaker 1: That I hope you understand how amazing that is, and

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Speaker 1: that not every child in this world has that right.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to Ja.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to David.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to the

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Speaker 1: people you work. You know, so when you say it's

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Speaker 1: exciting to me because I think I found the joy

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Speaker 1: in your life, and it's those two boys. They could

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Speaker 1: be as horrible as ever, but you're gonna keep noticing

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Speaker 1: what's good about them, right. I have to ask you,

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Speaker 1: what would happen to your life if you just more

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Speaker 1: generally applied that philosophy.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I think obviously, like if I focused on

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Speaker 4: the good stuff, then the good stuff would multiply. I

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Speaker 4: think you know, that's just just how the law of

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Speaker 4: attraction works.

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Speaker 1: Right, Jalen. I think that's absolutely true. I think that's

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Speaker 1: absolutely true. I think that's how a lot of attraction works,

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Speaker 1: for sure.

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 4: I got some self worth self value issues that I

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Speaker 4: just I haven't gotten past yet. I don't know why,

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Speaker 4: But maybe I don't know. If I just focus on

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Speaker 4: the good stuff, those things will eventually work themselves out.

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Speaker 4: I don't know if that's how that works.

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Speaker 1: How how long have you had these self worth self

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Speaker 1: value issues?

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Speaker 3: I don't know, probably for a very long time.

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Speaker 4: Well, you know, it starts small and then it and

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Speaker 4: it increases and increases. So you know, I probably started

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Speaker 4: when I was young and chugging all of that stuff.

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Speaker 1: You know, And I think you might have just hit

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Speaker 1: on maybe the most important thing is having self worth,

399
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Speaker 1: self value issues. How would you rather feel about yourself.

400
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Speaker 1: I want to.

401
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Speaker 4: Feel about myself the way I feel about my sons,

402
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Speaker 4: Like I want to look at myself and be like, yo,

403
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Speaker 4: she is so fucking awesome. At the end of the day,

404
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Speaker 4: It's just like, no matter what I do, I'm always

405
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Speaker 4: criticizing myself, Like I'm always like, what can she be?

406
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Speaker 1: Why? Why?

407
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Speaker 4: Like it's like you said, not focusing on the good stuff,

408
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Speaker 4: Like instead of focusing on the fact that, okay, well

409
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Speaker 4: you before having a baby, you took care of your

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Speaker 4: body pretty damn good. Also, you know, I'm a smoker.

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Speaker 4: I do smoke when I'm pregnant and breastfeeding. I stopped

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Speaker 4: as soon as I finished breastfeeding, I went back to smoking.

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Speaker 3: But instead of focusing on the fact that.

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Speaker 4: I'm smoking now, like I should probably focus on the

415
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Speaker 4: fact that I have quit multiple tis so, but I

416
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Speaker 4: don't do that. I just smoke, and then I judge

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Speaker 4: myself every single time I do it. So I'm like,

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Speaker 4: you know, just stuff like that, Like I don't. I

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Speaker 4: don't when it comes to me, It's just really hard

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Speaker 4: for me to consistently and continually be pleased with myself,

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Speaker 4: and I guess part of it is right now. I

422
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Speaker 4: just think it's because I've been through so many changes

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Speaker 4: in the last few years, like getting out the military,

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Speaker 4: then being in a job that I don't particularly enjoy,

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Speaker 4: pays the bills but don't really like it, and then

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Speaker 4: you know, being in a relationship for so long and

427
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Speaker 4: feeling like that person doesn't value me, and then gaining

428
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Speaker 4: weight after having kids. So it's like all of these

429
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Speaker 4: things have happened like within a short period of time,

430
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Speaker 4: and not working out when I used to, Like I

431
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 4: literally worked out when I was pregnant with my youngest

432
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Speaker 4: till like week thirty one. And I'm not talking about

433
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Speaker 4: like going for walks, like literally in the gym, punching

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Speaker 4: heavy bags, like kicking, like doing all of these things,

435
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Speaker 4: and then as soon as I have my kid, like

436
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,280
Speaker 4: not being able to figure out how to adjust to.

437
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Speaker 3: Continue to do that.

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Speaker 4: So it's like, okay, so were you doing it for

439
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,160
Speaker 4: yourself or were you just doing it because you were

440
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Speaker 4: pregnant and you wanted to take care of your body

441
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Speaker 4: so that he could be good? But it's like, how

442
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,160
Speaker 4: do you do that for you? You know what I'm saying,

443
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 4: Like how do you like, Okay, when you're in the military,

444
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,640
Speaker 4: you worked out all the time, but it was a requirement.

445
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,920
Speaker 4: So now it's like, how do you just do it

446
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 4: for yourself? Like, I don't know why there's such an

447
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 4: issue with that with me.

448
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,800
Speaker 3: I don't really know. I don't. It's annoying though, cause

449
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,080
Speaker 3: it's like I know so many things, but I just

450
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,639
Speaker 3: I'm just not doing it, you know, like the whole

451
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 3: thing like, oh, you know better, you do better, like

452
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 3: that should have done true, a lot of people know better,

453
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:55,560
Speaker 3: you don't do better.

454
00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:01,119
Speaker 4: They don't like you know, how do you make that

455
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:04,880
Speaker 4: that transition to say, this is my life, I'm going

456
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,600
Speaker 4: to take care of myself just for the sac of

457
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,439
Speaker 4: the sake of it being for me.

458
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:11,840
Speaker 3: And I don't know why.

459
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 1: That's if I answered that, how helpful would that be

460
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 1: to you? Because I think I know the answer to that.

461
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:19,679
Speaker 3: I mean, I mean, I'm interested in knowing with your responsiblit.

462
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,360
Speaker 1: Sure, in order to answer that, I have to talk

463
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:26,159
Speaker 1: to you about your sons. Okay, you're doing something with

464
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:31,160
Speaker 1: your sons that is very, very important, and you're doing

465
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,760
Speaker 1: it because you didn't have it when you were growing up.

466
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 1: You said you didn't grow up in a household where

467
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 1: you were being told I love you a whole lot. Correct, correct,

468
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,720
Speaker 1: So you're what you're doing is you're telling your sons

469
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 1: I love you every day. Now, what that does is

470
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: there are days that your sons think they're the greatest

471
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 1: things since sliced bread, and when you say I love you,

472
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 1: they're going to be like, of course you do, because

473
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,280
Speaker 1: I'm awesome and you're supposed to love me because I'm

474
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:03,920
Speaker 1: the greatest. But then there are also days when your

475
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: sons don't feel great, like maybe they had a tough

476
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 1: day at school, or maybe they got in trouble at home.

477
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: And on those days, you say I love you too,

478
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 1: and that makes them feel worthy because even when I'm

479
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 1: not at my best, my mother loves me. Does that

480
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:19,640
Speaker 1: make sense.

481
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:21,959
Speaker 3: Yes.

482
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 1: What you're doing to yourself, and I think it comes

483
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: from the environment you were raised in, is you're making

484
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: your love conditional upon your performance. So I must be

485
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,480
Speaker 1: worthy if I woke up and I worked out, and

486
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: I did good things, and I was productive and I

487
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: was awesome and all those things. When you consistently tell

488
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,000
Speaker 1: your children that you love them, they just feel worthy.

489
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 1: They don't think their love is conditional upon performance. So

490
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: I want you to treat Jaylen as if her love

491
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: for self is not conditional upon performance. I want you

492
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 1: to do exactly for yourself what you do for your children,

493
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: which is, every single day, notice the good things about yourself,

494
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 1: and it has nothing to do with what you did

495
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: that day. It has to do with who you are

496
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 1: as a human. You do this magically well with your children,

497
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 1: but not as well with yourself, which makes sense because

498
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:27,240
Speaker 1: you didn't get taught this at an early age. Yeah,

499
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,040
Speaker 1: to be honest with you, you're an amazing person, and

500
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter whether you worked out this morning. It

501
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: doesn't matter whether you smoked a cigarette today. It doesn't

502
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 1: matter whether you did great things at work today. That's

503
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 1: those things are not relevant in the same way that

504
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 1: your children. And I love this phrase. My youngest son

505
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,640
Speaker 1: will smack this shit out of his brother, but he

506
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: is still really really dope. That is exactly how I

507
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: want you to look at Jaylen. She may have smoked today,

508
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 1: but she's still really really dope. She may not have

509
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: worked out today, but she is still really really dope.

510
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 1: When you can treat and talk to and think about

511
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 1: yourself in that way, all the other things will click

512
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 1: into place.

513
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 3: Yes, as they say, fake it.

514
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: So you make it. But I would say notice it

515
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 1: until it's real, because it's there. It's not even faking

516
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: it because that would imply you're not dope. So just

517
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 1: pretend you're to until you become dope. That is like, no,

518
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,400
Speaker 1: you are, you're just not attending to it.

519
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 3: I just don't believe that though.

520
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:40,600
Speaker 1: Well, then let's can we discover it together, because I'm

521
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,880
Speaker 1: telling you, Jay, the reason you don't believe it isn't

522
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 1: because it's not there. The reason you don't believe it

523
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 1: is because your parents didn't teach you to pay attention

524
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,520
Speaker 1: to it. And what makes that so remarkable is in

525
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 1: spite of that fact, you're still doing it with your

526
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 1: two kids. Let's start here because I don't believe in

527
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 1: giving people compliments unless I can support the compliment with evidence.

528
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: So let me give you an example of what I

529
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:05,960
Speaker 1: mean when I say, Jay Lennon is an amazing person.

530
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: Do you understand how hard it is not to recreate

531
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,560
Speaker 1: a pattern in your children? So what we all do

532
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 1: as human beings, like literally almost all of us, we

533
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 1: do what we were trained to do, even if it

534
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 1: causes harm we do what we were trained to do.

535
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:30,120
Speaker 1: You're doing the exact opposite. You were trained not to

536
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 1: view yourself in this loving way, and you have decided

537
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,480
Speaker 1: to break that pattern, and you are viewing your children

538
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: in this loving way. So when you sit back and

539
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,520
Speaker 1: you think, but I don't think it's I don't view

540
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:44,200
Speaker 1: myself that way. That's where I want you to start,

541
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 1: because it is incredibly special that you have broken a

542
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 1: family pattern and your children are gonna benefit for the

543
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 1: rest of their life with that fact, I want you

544
00:32:53,960 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 1: to practice viewing yourself through the lens of you are

545
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:04,760
Speaker 1: really awesome? Can you do that? I want you to

546
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:08,040
Speaker 1: view yourself through the lens of how awesome you are. Now,

547
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: You're not perfect, So every single day there will be

548
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: things that like, oh, I wish I fixed that flower,

549
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: I wish I wish I didn't make those kind of mistakes.

550
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: But I also want you to pay attention to the

551
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: things that make you, as you said, really really dope. Okay,

552
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to give you an exercise to do

553
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: to help you do that. Okay, can you hear me?

554
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: You said about your children, they do something every single

555
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,280
Speaker 1: day to make me proud. Every single day, I want

556
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,640
Speaker 1: you to think of one thing you do that makes

557
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 1: you proud of yourself. Like when somebody comes in and

558
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,000
Speaker 1: they say, this laundry mat is doing better, and I

559
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: want you to think what role do I play in that?

560
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 1: Or when your employee brings you lunch, I want you

561
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: to say, what have I done to make them care

562
00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: for me in such a way? Like I want you

563
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,600
Speaker 1: to always be thinking about what have you done that

564
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: makes you proud of yourself? My goal is we got

565
00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 1: to put something on the other side of the neutral.

566
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,720
Speaker 1: Can't just have negative and neutral. I've got to have negative,

567
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: neutral and positive and quite frankly, and you deserve it.

568
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,040
Speaker 3: Gotcha that next time we meet, I'm going to start

569
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:14,960
Speaker 3: off with something so positive I love it.

570
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:17,719
Speaker 1: Just wait all right. That means you have to be

571
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: paying attention to.

572
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 3: It absolutely and I gotta allow myself.

573
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 1: To yam, it's gonna happen.

574
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 3: I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

575
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:34,400
Speaker 1: Your self worth is significantly impacted by your childhood, be

576
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,440
Speaker 1: it positive or negative, and those of us who have

577
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:42,840
Speaker 1: had trauma in our childhood and abuse and neglect and

578
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:48,960
Speaker 1: abandonment usually have massive self worth issues. But there's good

579
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: news is you can restore that by simply shifting your

580
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:58,880
Speaker 1: mindset and focusing on how you got through those experiences

581
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 1: and not folks on that those experiences happened. I think

582
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 1: this goes back to the toxic positivity thing. I am

583
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 1: someone who has experienced massive childhood trauma. My father was

584
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:14,560
Speaker 1: quite abusive, and I really just have two choices. I

585
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 1: can continue to ruminate, which I did for years, on

586
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:19,880
Speaker 1: why my father did this and that had happened and

587
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 1: why me and all of those things, which lead to

588
00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 1: a low self belief and low self worth. Or I

589
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:33,360
Speaker 1: can start asking myself how I survived it and achieved things.

590
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,520
Speaker 1: How did I survive that childhood and graduate from high

591
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 1: school and college and get a master's degree and you know,

592
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 1: get married, on all of the things. And when you

593
00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:47,360
Speaker 1: start thinking about how you overcame challenges on your path,

594
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,880
Speaker 1: the inherent consequence of that is an increase in self worth.

595
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: And the beautiful thing is that's the kind of self

596
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: worth that no one can take from you. When we return,

597
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: we will learn more about Freddie's challenges to reconnect with

598
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 1: the children and the power in expressing love. If you

599
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:17,760
Speaker 1: are out there struggling with addiction, it is very likely

600
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:24,719
Speaker 1: you made real mistakes in the relationships in your life.

601
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:30,360
Speaker 1: You ruptured relationships with your romantic partner, you ruptured relationship

602
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 1: with your children, you ruptured relationship with your parents. I hope,

603
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:40,160
Speaker 1: more than anything, as you listen to Freddie and his story,

604
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 1: I hope you pay attention to two very important things.

605
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,800
Speaker 1: The first one is Freddie is one of those people.

606
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:51,320
Speaker 1: He made mistakes in his relationships, most notably and highlighted

607
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:55,879
Speaker 1: here in this process with his children. But I hope

608
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 1: what you notice is a man who continues to show

609
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: up to therapy, and he continues to talk about reconnecting

610
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:11,360
Speaker 1: with his children, at times imperfectly, at times with fear, hesitation,

611
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 1: and anxieties, but he keeps showing up. And I hope

612
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: you see that healing and love are unbelievably powerful things. So,

613
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,080
Speaker 1: no matter what mistakes you made while you were in

614
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:32,480
Speaker 1: the throes of addiction, on the other side of it

615
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,359
Speaker 1: is the opportunity for healing through the power of love.

616
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 1: And more than anything, I think that's what this family represents,

617
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:44,319
Speaker 1: and more than anything, I think that's what Freddie stands for.

618
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 1: So as you listen to these stories, pay attention to

619
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:56,440
Speaker 1: Freddie because he's demonstrating something that quite honestly a lot

620
00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:00,840
Speaker 1: of people don't get to see. And I think it's priceless.

621
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: M And you mentioned that your wife will say to you,

622
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,359
Speaker 1: you know, you should call your kids, but you said

623
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,319
Speaker 1: you're not very good at that.

624
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 2: Well, I'm not, I'm not. I don't. Uh.

625
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 4: Uh.

626
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:26,160
Speaker 2: I talked to my other daughter that she lives in Virginia. Uh,

627
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 2: two days ago. Uh I called. I got another daughter

628
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 2: name the name. I haven't talked to her about a month.

629
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:38,799
Speaker 2: I talked to my other son, uh. They I talked

630
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 2: to him about a week ago.

631
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:42,760
Speaker 4: Uh.

632
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:44,360
Speaker 2: My son in my lost and I haven't talked to

633
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:50,920
Speaker 2: him about two weeks. Uh. Then I got like, uh

634
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 2: two step kids or three, and she said, I communicate

635
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 2: with them more than I communicate with my my biological

636
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,560
Speaker 2: kids though although I raised I raised them for like

637
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 2: fifteen twenty years. You know, when they were there with kids,

638
00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 2: I raised him, playing with younger childres that got two adults,

639
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,239
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it's not that I don't.

640
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:19,279
Speaker 2: I don't think I favorite either one or not. But

641
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 2: I got like, I got like nine kids by three

642
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 2: different women. So uh, I think I know for a

643
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:38,319
Speaker 2: fact that it's here. Was upset with that because I

644
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 2: broke up with his mother and moved to Florida for

645
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:44,000
Speaker 2: like ten years, you know what I mean. I started

646
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 2: a whole new family that went astray, and I moved

647
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 2: from Florida, moved somewhere else and started another family, you

648
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:53,680
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So it seemed like I don't

649
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:57,719
Speaker 2: know if I fall. I know, I'm settled well at

650
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:01,480
Speaker 2: right now, my heart, you know what I mean. And

651
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:05,720
Speaker 2: it's kind of it's kind of crazy because I obey

652
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:10,840
Speaker 2: this song. I think, uh uh, you're probably familiar with

653
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:16,879
Speaker 2: this song. Uh uh uh guy. Verses of a natural high.

654
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 2: I'm on cloud nine, natural high, and I never really

655
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:27,080
Speaker 2: uh knew what a natural high felt like, you know

656
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 2: what I mean, as far as like like when I

657
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 2: make love to my wife, now I be, I be,

658
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,200
Speaker 2: I be floating on cloud nine and she'd be bothering.

659
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 2: That's I tell I never realized how it feel to

660
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,239
Speaker 2: have a natural high. You know what I'm saying, That

661
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:47,319
Speaker 2: a woman can make you feel like you're on cloud nine,

662
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 2: just float, you know what I mean.

663
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,239
Speaker 1: I had a couple of questions, but my first one

664
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:57,279
Speaker 1: is what what what do you think is interfering with

665
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 1: your ability to contact your kids, Like, do you feel

666
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:03,800
Speaker 1: bad about starting another family? Is their guilt? Are you?

667
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:04,160
Speaker 3: Like?

668
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,880
Speaker 1: What's the what do you think is the biggest barrier

669
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:07,880
Speaker 1: that you experience?

670
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:13,960
Speaker 2: I don't know. Sometimes you you you you uh. I

671
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 2: think for myself, I think sometimes when you get so

672
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 2: settle in in in a way you know, you say

673
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:27,480
Speaker 2: you're gonna do it tomorrow tomorrow, I'll be like always

674
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:30,000
Speaker 2: ill do it tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. And I

675
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:33,120
Speaker 2: think that's one of my worst dilemmas in my life

676
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,440
Speaker 2: because when I say I'm gonna do it tomorrow, tomorrow

677
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,359
Speaker 2: never comes. Or if I don't do it right, then

678
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:45,920
Speaker 2: it won't happen. As far as like I don't. I

679
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 2: don't think, uh that I feel guilty for having uh

680
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 2: kids by all these different women, because I love my

681
00:41:56,200 --> 00:42:02,320
Speaker 2: kids and like at the time, like you know, I was,

682
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,200
Speaker 2: I was in love and I fell out loved and

683
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:08,720
Speaker 2: I fell in love again. Like it's a totally difference

684
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:12,640
Speaker 2: film with her than I ever had with anybody else.

685
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:15,360
Speaker 2: So that's why I said to her, I said, I

686
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:17,640
Speaker 2: don't think I really was in love or it's this

687
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:20,799
Speaker 2: unless it's different levels of love you know what I mean,

688
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:24,359
Speaker 2: She said, I don't always have to do the big things,

689
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,680
Speaker 2: and like to make her happy, I gotta just do

690
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,719
Speaker 2: more little things every day to make her happy. And

691
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 2: she I'll be thinking, like I gotta do something gigantic

692
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,279
Speaker 2: or something far FETs you know what I'm saying to

693
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 2: express my love. You know, you could just do a

694
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,839
Speaker 2: little thing, you know what I mean. So I was like, Okay, yeah,

695
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:43,719
Speaker 2: I don't work too, I could also I could do that.

696
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: So I want to go back to the kids. What

697
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 1: little things can you do for the nine kids to

698
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 1: show them that you love them? Like you you do

699
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:57,160
Speaker 1: these little things and you show your wife that you

700
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:01,200
Speaker 1: love her. I wonder what little things you could do

701
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: to show the kids that you love them, that they're

702
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 1: important to you as well.

703
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 2: And it's funny because, like, I didn't see what he's

704
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,960
Speaker 2: up in about two weeks. So when I went up

705
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:15,920
Speaker 2: up north and I saw him, he was he had

706
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:20,239
Speaker 2: a pouty face on, you know what I mean, Uh like,

707
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 2: come here, come in, and he looked at me and

708
00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:25,160
Speaker 2: start it was pouty, you know what I mean, and

709
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 2: took and it took like maybe ten fifteen minutes for

710
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:31,279
Speaker 2: him to come around and start jumping on me and

711
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,800
Speaker 2: playing with me again. So everybody was like, wow, he

712
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:36,640
Speaker 2: really missed you, We really miss you, and I could

713
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 2: like it was so uh.

714
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 1: It was so.

715
00:43:43,239 --> 00:43:49,479
Speaker 2: Uh visible, and everybody noticed him, Like wow. I said, Man, see,

716
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,319
Speaker 2: I gotta start That's what made me really wanted him

717
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 2: to come stay with me again, because I don't want

718
00:43:54,920 --> 00:44:00,160
Speaker 2: him to uh feel that way anymore. Like you know,

719
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,600
Speaker 2: because like I was when I was living up there,

720
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,560
Speaker 2: I was I was coming to her house almost every

721
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 2: other day, So I was I was feeling kind of

722
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 2: guilty about that because, uh, kids there just let you

723
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,440
Speaker 2: know right off the bat how they're feeling, you know

724
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,400
Speaker 2: what I mean. You know, I call talk to you

725
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 2: on the phone, but you know that ain't that's somewhat helpful.

726
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 2: But you gotta be like the President's gotta be right.

727
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:27,880
Speaker 1: There was that kid you were talking about, Yes, how

728
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:32,120
Speaker 1: can you help show your kids, like you just sending

729
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: and Jade and the others that you that you miss

730
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:39,879
Speaker 1: them and you love them and you care about them

731
00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:41,280
Speaker 1: and you want to be in their lives.

732
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:46,120
Speaker 2: Well, I gotta be more attentive to them. I gotta

733
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 2: start doing things with them, start calling them each and

734
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,960
Speaker 2: every day or each every other day. Uh, trying to

735
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:54,960
Speaker 2: spend quality time with them, you know what I mean,

736
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 2: doing uh, you know, doing things with them, man, you

737
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:02,399
Speaker 2: know what I mean, like uh or even in something

738
00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 2: even buying it like I miss you card and send

739
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaker 2: them a card or something like that, just saying I

740
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:09,879
Speaker 2: miss you, I love you and stuff love that nature.

741
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:10,440
Speaker 1: Do you miss them?

742
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:12,879
Speaker 4: Yeah?

743
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:14,680
Speaker 2: I do, I really do.

744
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:15,759
Speaker 1: Do you care about them?

745
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:21,960
Speaker 2: I love my kids? Yeah too, And I ain't where

746
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 2: I want to do for them? Man? Absolutely?

747
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 1: Do you think they know that? Now I'm not I'm

748
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: not saying you're wrong, but like, do they know that

749
00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:30,480
Speaker 1: that there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them?

750
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 2: One question? They realized that, Like my wife always says,

751
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 2: she says, sometimes you always try to do the do

752
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 2: something that's so big you all you gotta do is

753
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:45,640
Speaker 2: do the little things every day. He should waiting to

754
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:47,920
Speaker 2: try to do something that's gonna be real big, you

755
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:51,360
Speaker 2: know what I mean, because sometimes the big thing never happened.

756
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,520
Speaker 2: But you keep doing the little things and to the

757
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,400
Speaker 2: little things work up to the big things, you know

758
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:57,200
Speaker 2: what I mean. So now that you know I am

759
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,360
Speaker 2: a little more situated and things are starting to come on,

760
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:04,919
Speaker 2: you know together financially, I can. I could do things,

761
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,279
Speaker 2: you know, for our cinemas and flowers or cinemas or

762
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:11,120
Speaker 2: you know, I missed your card, I love your card

763
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:11,759
Speaker 2: or something like that.

764
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:14,680
Speaker 1: You know, would they be surprised to get that and

765
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 1: I miss your card and I love your card from you?

766
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 2: Oh man, I think so, because I think uh when

767
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:28,560
Speaker 2: I sent uh, I think it was the year before last.

768
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 3: Uh.

769
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 2: I sent all the all the mother's mother Day's cards,

770
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,680
Speaker 2: and they was there was there was you know, I

771
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:39,000
Speaker 2: could see that espressally on their face that when they

772
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,560
Speaker 2: got the car and and they all called me. You

773
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:45,080
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Because that Uh, it's something that

774
00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:50,200
Speaker 2: you know, I don't I don't do, and it needs

775
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:51,880
Speaker 2: to be done on a frequent basis, you know what

776
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:54,319
Speaker 2: I mean. It's not something I should just be done,

777
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 2: uh on every other year. It's be done, you know,

778
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:01,120
Speaker 2: on on a steady basis.

779
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: I think that's true. Freddie. If if I had all

780
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:07,400
Speaker 1: nine of your kids in a room and I interviewed

781
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 1: them and I asked them, what do you think of

782
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: your father? What do you think they would say?

783
00:47:12,360 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 2: Well, I think they would be Uh, happy that that

784
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:20,480
Speaker 2: where my life is now, where I'm at right now,

785
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:25,279
Speaker 2: as far as you know, compared to my life, Uh,

786
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:28,160
Speaker 2: maybe five years ago.

787
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:30,240
Speaker 1: It was different about your life five years ago.

788
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:34,800
Speaker 2: About five or ten years old. I was I was

789
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:36,200
Speaker 2: in the streets, you know what I mean?

790
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:37,360
Speaker 3: I was.

791
00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 2: I was in the streets.

792
00:47:39,719 --> 00:47:40,000
Speaker 3: I was.

793
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:45,760
Speaker 2: Doing drinking, high, just running the streets.

794
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:46,040
Speaker 3: Man.

795
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,240
Speaker 2: I had no no, my life had had no direction

796
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 2: as far just all I want to do is be

797
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,920
Speaker 2: in the streets, hustle and make money and just run

798
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:59,160
Speaker 2: the streets, you know what I mean. So uh, and

799
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 2: I think now that you know, I don't I don't

800
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:05,400
Speaker 2: indulge in any of all those things. Right now. My

801
00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:08,200
Speaker 2: life is three I've been clean for five years going

802
00:48:08,239 --> 00:48:08,920
Speaker 2: on six.

803
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 1: From what drug? You got clean from?

804
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 3: What?

805
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 2: Everything?

806
00:48:14,400 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 1: Really?

807
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,680
Speaker 2: And then you will say what do you call? God

808
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:24,520
Speaker 2: says it didn't matter if you had it, I want

809
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,560
Speaker 2: some of it, you know what I mean? Uh, it

810
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:30,239
Speaker 2: didn't matter. So I'm so proud of my life by

811
00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:33,160
Speaker 2: right now because I thought I would die in those streets.

812
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, A lot of people do every day.

813
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:36,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know.

814
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:38,719
Speaker 2: And I thank God for deliverance.

815
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 1: Man.

816
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,759
Speaker 2: You just don't know how much I thank God for deliver.

817
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:42,479
Speaker 1: Did it happen? How did you get clean?

818
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:44,440
Speaker 2: How did it happen?

819
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 1: What was the turning point? How did you? How did

820
00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:48,480
Speaker 1: you get clean? From all that?

821
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:56,320
Speaker 2: I think, I think when you get tied and you

822
00:48:57,320 --> 00:49:02,440
Speaker 2: you you you uh lose everything and you don't got

823
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:05,400
Speaker 2: the shirt on your back no more, and people just

824
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:09,000
Speaker 2: give up hope on you, you know what I mean,

825
00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:15,400
Speaker 2: and you find yourself like a rock body, you know

826
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:15,719
Speaker 2: what I mean.

827
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:16,320
Speaker 1: You know.

828
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:20,000
Speaker 2: It's so many times that I look back at it

829
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:25,240
Speaker 2: and I say, ah, if I only did this before,

830
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, if I only got clean before,

831
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:30,279
Speaker 2: my life would be so much better, you know what

832
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:32,880
Speaker 2: I mean. But I can't look at it like that.

833
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:37,640
Speaker 2: I'm clean now, and I'm grateful for that. And and

834
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 2: I think because like for like I would say, ten

835
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:45,520
Speaker 2: fifteen years, my life was like that, you know, when

836
00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:51,040
Speaker 2: I was in them streets, you know, and like I said,

837
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 2: it destroys so many things in my life, you know,

838
00:49:54,239 --> 00:49:57,680
Speaker 2: destroy relationship with my kids, destroyed relationship. I lost a

839
00:49:57,719 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 2: lot of money, I lost a lot of materialist things.

840
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:03,320
Speaker 2: I lost respectful you know from people, you know what

841
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:08,640
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, and I just thank God for

842
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:14,560
Speaker 2: deliverance now, man, like, wow, why why you know what

843
00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:17,160
Speaker 2: happened when it happened, And I'm grateful for it, you

844
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 2: know what I mean. I can't go back and say

845
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:22,520
Speaker 2: I wish I could have done it earlier in my life.

846
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 2: I'm just happy now I've done it now, you know

847
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:30,480
Speaker 2: what I mean. So I could just build off now

848
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:33,000
Speaker 2: my life the way it is now. I could just

849
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:36,719
Speaker 2: build off the way it is now, you know. I think, Uh,

850
00:50:38,560 --> 00:50:43,359
Speaker 2: all my all my kids, they like they they're old

851
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:47,000
Speaker 2: enough to know the type of life I have, you

852
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:49,080
Speaker 2: know what I mean, And so they see that I

853
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:52,360
Speaker 2: don't turn I turned my life in the three sixty,

854
00:50:52,400 --> 00:50:56,160
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Uhh, Like I said, I

855
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:59,840
Speaker 2: don't indulge anything. I have a beer on it. I

856
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:01,759
Speaker 2: don't even really remember the last time how to be here,

857
00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:03,640
Speaker 2: you know what I matter? Or the football game. I

858
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 2: had to be at a football game. But other than that,

859
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:10,840
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't indulge myself with people that use drugs,

860
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:17,520
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't like my turn

861
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:19,800
Speaker 2: my back on them or nothing like that, but I

862
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:22,400
Speaker 2: don't be around them. I don't indulge with them, and

863
00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 2: I don't. I can't it's not that, you know, I

864
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:31,000
Speaker 2: hate them for because they do what they do. That's

865
00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:32,560
Speaker 2: their business, you know what I mean. But I don't

866
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:33,960
Speaker 2: want no parts of it, you know what I mean

867
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:34,560
Speaker 2: at all?

868
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:38,200
Speaker 1: And you you mentioned something, you said when you're on

869
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 1: them streets, you lost money, people respect for you, and

870
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 1: you said it hurts your relationship with your kids, and

871
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:49,719
Speaker 1: then you turned your life around, like three sixty. What

872
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:52,439
Speaker 1: have you done to repair the relationship with the kids

873
00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,440
Speaker 1: from all you know, ten fifteen years out on the streets.

874
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:03,799
Speaker 2: Well, I've been making attempts. I would say they're kind

875
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:06,640
Speaker 2: of fertile attempts, you know what I mean. I could

876
00:52:06,719 --> 00:52:11,279
Speaker 2: be doing a substantial amount of more things to uh

877
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:15,359
Speaker 2: repay my relationship with my kids. But I think as

878
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:17,920
Speaker 2: far as me uh being in their life each and

879
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:22,600
Speaker 2: every day or each and every uh like that, h

880
00:52:22,719 --> 00:52:25,360
Speaker 2: it's lacking. It's lacking greatly, you know what I mean.

881
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,160
Speaker 2: Because which I like, I like, Like I said, I make,

882
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:34,360
Speaker 2: I make futile attempts on trying to uh maintain that,

883
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:36,759
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Sometimes you get caught up

884
00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:40,480
Speaker 2: in your own, your own world, and one day slipping

885
00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 2: to two days and two days of slipping to two

886
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:46,840
Speaker 2: weeks before you know, it'd be a whole month and

887
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:51,359
Speaker 2: you know, missed out again, you know what I mean?

888
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:54,440
Speaker 2: And I feel so guilty about myself as far as

889
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:59,160
Speaker 2: not being able to uh maintain a relationship with my

890
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:01,879
Speaker 2: kids or keep staying involved with them.

891
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:05,000
Speaker 1: I think you you have some work to do to

892
00:53:05,120 --> 00:53:06,520
Speaker 1: repair those relationships.

893
00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I know I do.

894
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:13,640
Speaker 1: How do you overcome that fear so that you can

895
00:53:13,719 --> 00:53:17,439
Speaker 1: do the things you need to do to two heal

896
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:18,600
Speaker 1: the relationship with the kids.

897
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 2: Well, I think I gotta be more persistent, you know,

898
00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 2: I gotta be more uh hum, I got I gotta

899
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:42,719
Speaker 2: maintain uh h uh uh a relationship with them. Like

900
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:44,719
Speaker 2: one week I call them, two weeks I'll call them.

901
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:47,960
Speaker 2: Three weeks to go by, and I don't call them.

902
00:53:48,239 --> 00:53:52,280
Speaker 2: I don't maintain. I don't once I see I established

903
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:55,759
Speaker 2: something with them and we have a good relationship going,

904
00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:59,879
Speaker 2: and then for some reason, I just fall back into

905
00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:04,719
Speaker 2: my my cycle. Gain I get to relax. Now. I

906
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,320
Speaker 2: don't show no initiative. I don't call them them allut

907
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:10,280
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't send them no flowers.

908
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,239
Speaker 2: I don't send no no, you know, I don't. I

909
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:14,319
Speaker 2: don't do anything, you know what I mean?

910
00:54:14,400 --> 00:54:14,719
Speaker 3: And and.

911
00:54:16,200 --> 00:54:20,160
Speaker 2: Then when I I I think, when I try to

912
00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 2: communicate with them again, they don't. They hold back a

913
00:54:24,640 --> 00:54:27,320
Speaker 2: little bit because I think every time I get into it,

914
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:29,719
Speaker 2: I come into their life, I go out their life.

915
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:32,279
Speaker 2: I come into their life, I go out their life,

916
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:37,600
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. That's why my and I

917
00:54:37,719 --> 00:54:41,240
Speaker 2: blame myself with that because I don't I don't be persistent.

918
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 2: I don't stay you know, I don't stay on it.

919
00:54:46,719 --> 00:54:47,960
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I don't stay on.

920
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,880
Speaker 1: How's it going to help you? How's it going to

921
00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:51,800
Speaker 1: help you to stay on it?

922
00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:52,000
Speaker 3: Like?

923
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 1: What what difference is it going to make in your

924
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:54,960
Speaker 1: life when you're able to stay on it?

925
00:55:00,239 --> 00:55:03,320
Speaker 2: I don't really know. Because if I knew that answer

926
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:07,200
Speaker 2: to that, I would be more persistent. I would be

927
00:55:07,800 --> 00:55:10,440
Speaker 2: more involved in their life each and every day.

928
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:12,400
Speaker 1: Can we figure this out together, Freddy?

929
00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:14,879
Speaker 2: I would love to try to figure it out, man,

930
00:55:14,920 --> 00:55:15,360
Speaker 2: I tell you.

931
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,800
Speaker 1: Because I just asked you, like, how was going to

932
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:19,840
Speaker 1: help you when you get persistent? You were like, I

933
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:23,960
Speaker 1: don't really know yet. Well, let's figure that out. Can

934
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:26,000
Speaker 1: I ask you to do a really really hard thing?

935
00:55:27,360 --> 00:55:28,120
Speaker 2: Yeah? You sure can.

936
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:33,440
Speaker 1: I want you to call each of the nine children

937
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:37,759
Speaker 1: and let them know that you love them, you want

938
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:41,040
Speaker 1: to be in their lives, and you apologize for any

939
00:55:41,239 --> 00:55:45,600
Speaker 1: hurt being in those streets might have caused them. Can

940
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:49,960
Speaker 1: you say that to each of the nine kids. Yeah,

941
00:55:51,200 --> 00:55:53,560
Speaker 1: I love you, I want to be in your life,

942
00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:57,319
Speaker 1: and I apologize for any hurtful thing that happened while

943
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:59,319
Speaker 1: I was in those streets for ten or fifteen years.

944
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:08,880
Speaker 2: Hmm. Yeah, I've made attempts to do that before, and

945
00:56:09,920 --> 00:56:14,080
Speaker 2: like I said, I'll be in the life for a

946
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:17,760
Speaker 2: period of time. Yeah, I don't be persistent.

947
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:19,279
Speaker 1: With right now. I don't want you. I don't even

948
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:21,080
Speaker 1: want you worrying about being consistent. I just want you

949
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:24,360
Speaker 1: to do that one thing. We'll build consistency after that,

950
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:25,759
Speaker 1: but right now, I just want you to do the

951
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:26,239
Speaker 1: one thing.

952
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:27,680
Speaker 2: All right.

953
00:56:28,600 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 1: It doesn't even matter if you're consistent right now. We're

954
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:33,040
Speaker 1: just gonna start with the one step, and if you

955
00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:35,520
Speaker 1: can do that one step with each of the nine kids,

956
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:37,920
Speaker 1: then we'll take another step.

957
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:39,440
Speaker 2: All right.

958
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:42,919
Speaker 1: And nine's a lot, but you gotta do it because

959
00:56:42,960 --> 00:56:45,320
Speaker 1: I want them to know the father that they actually have,

960
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:50,120
Speaker 1: that actually loves and cares for them. But you got

961
00:56:50,239 --> 00:56:53,239
Speaker 1: to take accountability for what happened, so you can heal

962
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,920
Speaker 1: this relationship right, And then what you and I are

963
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:58,040
Speaker 1: going to figure out is now, once you start that

964
00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:01,080
Speaker 1: healing journey, what difference is it gonna make for Freddy.

965
00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:03,800
Speaker 2: I'm gonna call them, all of them, talk to each.

966
00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:08,600
Speaker 1: At the end of each session, I tend to invite

967
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:12,520
Speaker 1: clients to do something, or to notice something, or to

968
00:57:12,600 --> 00:57:17,080
Speaker 1: pay attention to something, and it's really important that they

969
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:22,280
Speaker 1: receive that, But it's not necessarily important that they do it,

970
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:26,240
Speaker 1: because it doesn't matter to me whether the client comes

971
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:30,200
Speaker 1: back to the session and they've done the task, or

972
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:34,280
Speaker 1: they've done something else, or they didn't do it. The

973
00:57:34,440 --> 00:57:37,840
Speaker 1: fact that they were asked to do it puts change

974
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:41,800
Speaker 1: in their mind. And when you notice change, you are

975
00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:45,720
Speaker 1: already progressing. So the very reason that I will often

976
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:49,120
Speaker 1: invite clients to do something is simply to keep change

977
00:57:49,160 --> 00:57:52,080
Speaker 1: on their mind, whether they do it, don't do it,

978
00:57:52,240 --> 00:57:54,040
Speaker 1: or do something else when they come back to therapy,

979
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:56,720
Speaker 1: that's where we're going to start the exploration. But it's

980
00:57:56,840 --> 00:58:00,720
Speaker 1: very important that people constantly have change and the details

981
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:05,640
Speaker 1: of change in their purview, in their perception stay tuned

982
00:58:05,640 --> 00:58:16,480
Speaker 1: for my final thoughts after this. So people often say

983
00:58:16,640 --> 00:58:20,400
Speaker 1: that time heals all wounds, and I don't believe that

984
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:24,400
Speaker 1: is true. If it's simply the passage of time that

985
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:28,840
Speaker 1: were to create healing, then things like resentment and festering

986
00:58:29,560 --> 00:58:33,400
Speaker 1: and estrangement wouldn't exist. I'll tell you what time does do.

987
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:37,840
Speaker 1: Time provides opportunity for healing and growth. But you have

988
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:41,000
Speaker 1: to be an active participant in your healing. You have

989
00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:43,840
Speaker 1: to be an active participant in your growth. You have

990
00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:46,200
Speaker 1: to accept it's going to be hard, it's going to

991
00:58:46,240 --> 00:58:49,440
Speaker 1: be challenging, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to

992
00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:52,120
Speaker 1: put you in situations that sometimes you'd rather not be in.

993
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:58,480
Speaker 1: But it's worthwhile and it's meaningful. And there is nothing

994
00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:01,160
Speaker 1: in this world like the heal that can take place

995
00:59:01,480 --> 00:59:05,000
Speaker 1: after something negative has happened within a relationship in your life.

996
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:10,720
Speaker 1: But if the relationship is meaningful enough, time provides opportunity

997
00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:17,360
Speaker 1: for healing and growth. More than anything. This family represents

998
00:59:18,720 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: three people that we're getting to listen to, but even

999
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:25,200
Speaker 1: a larger extent of all of the people in the system,

1000
00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:30,280
Speaker 1: like Jay and David's children whom we don't meet on

1001
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,919
Speaker 1: the podcast, and bread each other children whom we don't

1002
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:39,880
Speaker 1: meet in the podcast. This family represents taking the opportunity

1003
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:44,440
Speaker 1: to participate in healing and growth even when it is

1004
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:50,120
Speaker 1: hard and uncomfortable. That's what this process is about. And

1005
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:52,880
Speaker 1: I want everybody to take away from this episode and

1006
00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:58,160
Speaker 1: this season at large. Time in and of itself is

1007
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:02,920
Speaker 1: not enough. Time does not heal all wounds. Active participation

1008
01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:08,480
Speaker 1: in your healing and growth heals all ways. This is

1009
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:11,880
Speaker 1: not just a podcast that I want you to consume

1010
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 1: and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired.

1011
01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:18,720
Speaker 1: I want you to be impacted by this and in fact,

1012
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:22,560
Speaker 1: we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.

1013
01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:24,480
Speaker 1: So what I would like for you to do is

1014
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:27,240
Speaker 1: come on this healing journey with us. Come on this

1015
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:31,840
Speaker 1: journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to

1016
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:35,160
Speaker 1: do that is to just pay attention to the things

1017
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:38,640
Speaker 1: going on in your life as a consequence of listening

1018
01:00:38,720 --> 01:00:41,400
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life

1019
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:44,680
Speaker 1: shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your

1020
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:48,440
Speaker 1: desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of

1021
01:00:48,520 --> 01:00:52,480
Speaker 1: your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us

1022
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:55,439
Speaker 1: know in the comments what you're noticing in your life

1023
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:58,400
Speaker 1: as a result of listening to this podcast and as

1024
01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:01,720
Speaker 1: a result of paying attention to the things I would

1025
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:04,960
Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,

1026
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:08,240
Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect

1027
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:10,600
Speaker 1: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can

1028
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:12,840
Speaker 1: also send me a text message to nine seven two

1029
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:16,640
Speaker 1: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is

1030
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:20,400
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.

1031
01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:23,680
Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by

1032
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:27,120
Speaker 1: Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S

1033
01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:30,440
Speaker 1: fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the

1034
01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:34,040
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

1035
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:37,800
Speaker 1: The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely

1036
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:40,720
Speaker 1: for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered

1037
01:01:40,760 --> 01:01:43,480
Speaker 1: a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and

1038
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:46,880
Speaker 1: does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable

1039
01:01:46,960 --> 01:01:49,440
Speaker 1: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for

1040
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:51,560
Speaker 1: any specific concerns or questions you may have.