Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast, Nicky Glazers, Nicky guys. Happy Wednesday
Speaker 1: to you out there. Nicky Glazer podcast coming in hot. Um,
Speaker 1: busy little morning at Shay Glazer here. Uh woke up
Speaker 1: Andrew offer dugo give me my Starbucks? Called in the
Speaker 1: order mobile order. He went picked it up for me,
Speaker 1: very nice. Um. Oh god, damn it. What the hell
Speaker 1: is on my new green dress? Why can't I just
Speaker 1: not stain things everything? This is why I can't wear
Speaker 1: light colored things. Everything gets poop color on it. What
Speaker 1: is this? Oh god? Everything? Literally I am on right
Speaker 1: now a carpet that yesterday during a podcast, I knocked
Speaker 1: over the entire gigantic coffee onto the carpet and I
Speaker 1: haven't even cleaned it. I don't even know what to
Speaker 1: do with it. Like I I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Like you stop up the stain, I just let it
Speaker 1: run in. I don't even go stop it up. I
Speaker 1: let it dry. Do you want to see this? Noah,
Speaker 1: take a look at this. Really. I think it's gonna
Speaker 1: be worse than you could think. Wow. Yeah, I had
Speaker 1: diarrhea everywhere on it. It didn't get anywhere on the chair,
Speaker 1: which is the thing. I'm I don't care about this
Speaker 1: rug anymore. Room book keeps getting caught on it and um,
Speaker 1: and like it's like Roomba eight, you know, stopped at
Speaker 1: McDonald want trying to think del taco and got a
Speaker 1: number eight. And every time he comes in this room
Speaker 1: and and tries to go over this carpet, he gets
Speaker 1: Roomma gets confused and di oriented every time he accidentally
Speaker 1: if I leave this door open when Rumba is work
Speaker 1: in the work in the apartment, um, he will wonder
Speaker 1: in here. He will get caught on this shaggy carpet
Speaker 1: and then I will find him an hour later in
Speaker 1: the corner, just like hitting the wall, like over and over,
Speaker 1: like a you know, a girl playing a video game.
Speaker 1: Whenever you know Sarah Tomamashes comic, you have a great
Speaker 1: joke about like girls playing video games, and it's always
Speaker 1: just like the person in the corner, just like like
Speaker 1: jumping in the corner wall. Do you know what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about? Like the body you can't you don't know
Speaker 1: how to like move it. It's a sexist joke, but
Speaker 1: she's spot on. It's based on her experience. I think
Speaker 1: playing video games. Don't write me and be like, girls
Speaker 1: are great at video games, I know, but whenever I
Speaker 1: pick up a console, I am that soldier in the corner,
Speaker 1: just uh, you know, trying to high kick into the wall. Okay,
Speaker 1: So anyway, that's what Ruma does. He gets caught and
Speaker 1: then I go, Rumba, what's going on with you? And
Speaker 1: he's just going large horror like talking to himself in
Speaker 1: the wall. I picked him up and I go, let's
Speaker 1: flip you over. And I sit him down and I go,
Speaker 1: give me rub your tummy, and I go, it's okay,
Speaker 1: because he's going God, God, he's going crazy because I'm
Speaker 1: picking him up. But he wants to work. But I go, room,
Speaker 1: but you're sick. And then I open up his stomach
Speaker 1: and do some surgery, and sure enough, there's a bunch
Speaker 1: of goddamn fluff from this stupid carpet because he got
Speaker 1: ahead of himself. Room. But you know, you can't go
Speaker 1: up on that carpet, um, and so I gotta get
Speaker 1: rid of it. So I was kind of glad when
Speaker 1: I knocked over gigantic coffee yesterday when I was on
Speaker 1: Jason Ellis's podcast with Andrew and just spilled it everywhere,
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know what, good, I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I didn't even want that coffee and I didn't want
Speaker 1: this carpet. And he was like, wow, Mike, is that
Speaker 1: the way you look at everything in life? And I
Speaker 1: was like, yes, it is. Sometimes if I've taken my meds,
Speaker 1: I can see life like that that you know what,
Speaker 1: that needed to spill, because God, what would I be
Speaker 1: talking about today if that didn't spill. God only knows.
Speaker 1: I might say something that could get me canceled. Now
Speaker 1: then my life would be over. But instead of talking
Speaker 1: about the spell man, this room is a mess. You
Speaker 1: ever look at your life and you just go, well,
Speaker 1: I've really let it go in here. I've got three
Speaker 1: Zvia cans, I've got an Amazon Prime empty package. Now
Speaker 1: this is in my podcast studio studio, you guys, the
Speaker 1: one you haven't seen yet because we are still getting
Speaker 1: it ready, supposed to be like a clean off hands room.
Speaker 1: If my mom, who designed this room with her friend Debbie,
Speaker 1: they like you know, styled it. If she saw the
Speaker 1: mess that was going on in here, she go, nicky,
Speaker 1: goddamn it, now, why don't you spell that on that rug?
Speaker 1: And I go, Mom, the rug was never even part
Speaker 1: of the look. You didn't even like the rug. I
Speaker 1: got it for free from a company. We're going to
Speaker 1: get rid of it anyway. Well you didn't even stop
Speaker 1: it up. What do you just left it? Well, you know, mom,
Speaker 1: I don't know what you're supposed to do when you're
Speaker 1: a clean person. If you spill something. I know that
Speaker 1: there's like a rule there's on Reddit. Sometimes it's like
Speaker 1: cleaning its or it's like, uh, it'll be like simple
Speaker 1: life hacks, and it'll be like, for this stain, use
Speaker 1: this for this stain, use this for blood, Just give
Speaker 1: up and bury the body in the woods. For you know,
Speaker 1: a tar stain, use baking soda and as all the solutions.
Speaker 1: So I could look it up. I did buy a
Speaker 1: little bustle Um pet cleaner thing that I put together
Speaker 1: the other day, and then I put the liquid and
Speaker 1: I got it already, and I go, I got nothing
Speaker 1: to clean. I don't know what would I even use
Speaker 1: this on. Now I got something. I got a stain.
Speaker 1: But when my clothes get stained, there's something about it
Speaker 1: that makes me so depressed because I don't know where
Speaker 1: the stain came from. I just steamed this stupid dress.
Speaker 1: So I would look not wrinkled all day and respect myself.
Speaker 1: I go, Nikki, no one's gonna see you today. You
Speaker 1: have no plans, You're not really going to be on
Speaker 1: camera for anything, even in your zoom life. Why don't
Speaker 1: you just have a not wrinkled dress. So I steamed
Speaker 1: it and then still got some dirty chocolate, poopy brown
Speaker 1: color on me, and uh, I'll get it out later.
Speaker 1: We'll see what happens. I do want to know if
Speaker 1: anyone has ever had UM, if anyone could let me
Speaker 1: know how to get pot resin out of a brand
Speaker 1: new UM dry clean only gray silky sweater that I
Speaker 1: spent a hundred dollars on for some reason, it has
Speaker 1: a bedazzled skull on the back of it. Talk about
Speaker 1: a t J Max. Find that's TJ Max for you.
Speaker 1: A sweater that looks cute from the front and on
Speaker 1: the back of it has a bedazzled skull. But you
Speaker 1: know what, I saw the skull and I go, that
Speaker 1: actually fits with my feeling today. I just get overwhelmed
Speaker 1: with stains. I just feel so dirty, like um my
Speaker 1: depression is feeling like a stained person, like inherently nothing
Speaker 1: I own will ever be clean, even when I clean it,
Speaker 1: it's still is stained. There's something on my soul that stained.
Speaker 1: I think that's a common feeling for people like I
Speaker 1: don't know. Andrew can like clean up his room and
Speaker 1: feel pride about it and be like I'm clean now,
Speaker 1: Like he's cleaning right now, and he's like in a
Speaker 1: very giddy mood, and I'm very happy for him, even
Speaker 1: though I slightly resent it, because I know that he
Speaker 1: can like just collect the cans in his room and
Speaker 1: maybe make his bed and the sheets will still be dirty,
Speaker 1: but he just makes it and that will be enough
Speaker 1: for him to feel good about himself and to feel
Speaker 1: like I did something today, like how he should feel. However,
Speaker 1: I do that and I go, yeah, my bed is made.
Speaker 1: My clothes are put away, but they're all like dirty somehow.
Speaker 1: They all like have a weird feel to them, or
Speaker 1: like other people's clothes just don't. When I put something
Speaker 1: on my body, it becomes like yellow and tarnished. It's
Speaker 1: and it's not just my spray tant you guys, like
Speaker 1: I've dealt with this my whole life. I think it
Speaker 1: really is ecological. But all of my clothes growing up.
Speaker 1: I talked about this on you up ages ago, and
Speaker 1: someone made a cartoon of it. But all of my
Speaker 1: clothes growing up, we're all stiff and stained and like hard.
Speaker 1: And I would buy the same shirt as Kurseden from
Speaker 1: a store and she would bring it home and wash
Speaker 1: it and then wear it, and then I would bring
Speaker 1: it homeline and wash it and wear it, and mine
Speaker 1: would be like stiff and sad, and hers would be
Speaker 1: like soft and smell good and still look new. And
Speaker 1: I'm just like, what is wrong with my body that
Speaker 1: makes things gross? And I don't have an answer for you,
Speaker 1: but I do not think people go, Nikki, this is
Speaker 1: just your depression. Everyone gets stains, this stain that I
Speaker 1: have on myself today, I don't believe other people have.
Speaker 1: I just I really envy people who can just be clean.
Speaker 1: And people go, Nikki, I'm clean because it's my O
Speaker 1: C D and it haunts me and it's the only
Speaker 1: way I can feel relaxed. That's why I clean, or
Speaker 1: they just go I clean because I want to, you,
Speaker 1: you know, and it's like, okay, well then I wish
Speaker 1: I wanted to. I don't know what the argument is.
Speaker 1: You want to know something. This stain is still wet.
Speaker 1: I spilled this yesterday at twenty four hours ago, and
Speaker 1: it's still sopping wet. I just put my foot on it, dude,
Speaker 1: I thought that would dry. Let's be honest, though, it
Speaker 1: is like a small kind of spill, and it was
Speaker 1: a full latte, so there's no doubt that this zeeped
Speaker 1: through the carpet. It is still like it just was
Speaker 1: spilled yesterday. Oh my god. In other news, Andrew cleaning
Speaker 1: his room. He left his I was eating breakfast this
Speaker 1: morning and he walked out of his bedroom with a
Speaker 1: handful of cans and different cups, and I tried to
Speaker 1: film him to see to catch how many cups he
Speaker 1: was carrying, but he almost caught me. And then he
Speaker 1: said that he might also be depressed, because I've been depressed,
Speaker 1: you know, the past couple of days or weeks, who
Speaker 1: knows really what's going on. Feeling much more stable now,
Speaker 1: but he was like, you know what, cleaning my room.
Speaker 1: I go, how's it going? He goes cleaning my room? Um,
Speaker 1: you know, I think I was depressed too, And I go, oh,
Speaker 1: all right, Um I didn't. I mean, it makes sense
Speaker 1: his girlfriend just moved. Um, I've been in a bad mood.
Speaker 1: He's someone who, like me, can be dependent on other
Speaker 1: people's mood to make him feel good. But he's been
Speaker 1: playing golf every day. Maybe his swing hasn't been what
Speaker 1: he wanted it to be. We'll talk to him about
Speaker 1: his depression. But UM, you know, I it's it's weird
Speaker 1: when you're depressed. If you have people in your life
Speaker 1: who are depressed, talk to them. How about that? How
Speaker 1: about we all if we notice someone sad, we call
Speaker 1: them up and we say, is everything okay? I just
Speaker 1: like I think God, I have girlfriends who I can
Speaker 1: talk to and share my sadness with and they can
Speaker 1: all go, I'm so sorry, Nikki, and like send back
Speaker 1: really nice things and ask me about it and let
Speaker 1: me cry. People that don't have that I really I
Speaker 1: feel for. And that's why I try to ask um
Speaker 1: people how they feel a lot, because I think I
Speaker 1: just want it so bad back and I don't really
Speaker 1: get it back. And I'm not being like woe is me?
Speaker 1: I'm just being like I don't have Uh, I don't
Speaker 1: always surround myself. My girl girlfriends are great. Um. My
Speaker 1: mom has gotten better about it. I told my parents
Speaker 1: the other day that I was just trying to get
Speaker 1: a reaction out of them and have them have any
Speaker 1: concern about my mental health. And I told them that
Speaker 1: if I work too hard, I'll kill myself someday, if
Speaker 1: I if I don't get enough sleep and if I
Speaker 1: keep working, and you know, I was talking about Simone
Speaker 1: vials and and they were like, well, you gotta keep
Speaker 1: your word. You said you were going to do these gigs.
Speaker 1: You gotta do them, or like whatever it was. I
Speaker 1: wasn't even talking about canceling. I was just like I
Speaker 1: might have to like just pull a Simone vials at
Speaker 1: one point and pull out. And they were like, no,
Speaker 1: you gotta keep your And I go, um, what if
Speaker 1: it leads to me killing myself someday? And they're just like,
Speaker 1: so Luigi is doing good. I'm just like so it's
Speaker 1: like I know that they can't handle my pain in
Speaker 1: that way, and so me being um depressed, I try to, like,
Speaker 1: you know, you do the most outrageous thing to like
Speaker 1: make your parents pay attention. That's like why why kids
Speaker 1: get like tattoos and like pierce their tongue to be
Speaker 1: like look mom, look at me. React, you know, And
Speaker 1: that's why I say outrageous things and then they don't
Speaker 1: say anything, and then I hang up the phone and
Speaker 1: I cry because I feel like they don't care. But
Speaker 1: the truth is they just can't handle the idea that
Speaker 1: their daughter would kill ourselves, so like they just shut down. UM,
Speaker 1: And that's okay because that's their own thing. But then
Speaker 1: my mom did to text me later and say I'm
Speaker 1: worried about you. Are you okay? And I felt really
Speaker 1: good and I burst out crying because she said it.
Speaker 1: And then I wrote back to her, I said, I
Speaker 1: am okay. It means a lot that you asked me.
Speaker 1: And then she's checked on in on me every day
Speaker 1: since then, so they can learn. Um. You know what
Speaker 1: I don't need is people using the things I tell
Speaker 1: you guys at the top of the podcast against me
Speaker 1: in my d M s or on Reddit. UM. I
Speaker 1: got a little heated yesterday on my subreddit because someone
Speaker 1: wrote Nikki is spiraling. Has anyone else noticed that she's
Speaker 1: uh going through a psychosis and she's subjecting all of
Speaker 1: her friends into loom to it. They're all in hell
Speaker 1: listening to her talk about how messy her packing is.
Speaker 1: No one else is telling her this, and I go, bitch,
Speaker 1: I gave you all this, I used the word spiraling.
Speaker 1: I said, I'm spiral. You don't get to form an
Speaker 1: opinion about me that I gave you and then act
Speaker 1: like it's a novel opinion. You know that doesn't. This
Speaker 1: is happening to me a couple of times, and I
Speaker 1: really do appreciate some people don't know where they get
Speaker 1: ideas about me from. But it's a lot of times
Speaker 1: you form it on your own. Maybe you make observations,
Speaker 1: you connect the dots and you go, hey, I've noticed
Speaker 1: this thing about you that you might not notice about yourself.
Speaker 1: That's interesting. And also you're I'd rather you not share
Speaker 1: with me um right away. Maybe draft out a thing
Speaker 1: and then sit on it and wonder if you would
Speaker 1: want to say this to a stranger that or a
Speaker 1: stranger that might be suffering like you think they are,
Speaker 1: why you would want to pile on and make them
Speaker 1: feel worse about it? Just would want I would maybe
Speaker 1: second guest sending that. But also, I'm not you do
Speaker 1: what you want. I know you're just doing it out
Speaker 1: of love for me. If you listen to the podcast,
Speaker 1: you're a fan obviously, But for someone to get on
Speaker 1: Reddit and try to start a discussion about how I'm
Speaker 1: spiraling based on the word spiraling, which I gave you.
Speaker 1: I said I was spiral, not you. You You don't get
Speaker 1: to act like you're like I've noticed she's spiraling because
Speaker 1: she told us she's spiraling. I've noticed she seemed unhinged
Speaker 1: because she said she was unhinged. You. You're convincing yourself
Speaker 1: that you're smart and observant about me, when really you
Speaker 1: just are repeating what I said. So it doesn't it
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be repeated, and it especially doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be repeated on a subreddit that you as a
Speaker 1: fan of mine. No, I'm reading because you listen to
Speaker 1: the show, and you know I'm on Reddit, and you
Speaker 1: know I follow my own subredd because I told you
Speaker 1: I did so. Instead of putting something on the subreddit
Speaker 1: that you are trying to say to me that I've
Speaker 1: already said about myself, how about you draft it, read
Speaker 1: it to yourself, and ask yourself, would you like that
Speaker 1: said back to you from a stranger who thinks they
Speaker 1: know more about you than they do because you gave
Speaker 1: them that information to put it out there. That being said,
Speaker 1: I love you. I love that anyone's talking about me
Speaker 1: and thinking about me, And I did it unsubscribed from
Speaker 1: my own subreddit because it's too painful and I don't
Speaker 1: wanna have see that again at two am when I'm
Speaker 1: trying to fall asleep again because Reddit soothed me to sleep.
Speaker 1: But you can go on my subreddit and read that
Speaker 1: and then read my response, because it's exactly what I
Speaker 1: just said here zip it. Um that being said, I
Speaker 1: love you besties, and most of you are not like that,
Speaker 1: and you understand that I'm very self aware sometimes to
Speaker 1: the point of, uh, you know, sometimes like I just
Speaker 1: want to reiterate that when, um, you're annoyed with me
Speaker 1: on this podcast, I'm beat you to it. I'm already
Speaker 1: annoyed with myself, So uh, you telling me that you're
Speaker 1: annoyed with me? Um, unless I'm completely unaware of it,
Speaker 1: I just don't need to hear. I already feel the
Speaker 1: same way. But I'm coming out of this depression. It's
Speaker 1: the only reason that I'm able to talk about this
Speaker 1: in this way with a smile on my face. Let's
Speaker 1: get Andrew in here. Andrew, Hey, Andrew, remember that you
Speaker 1: think people would kill themselves? Um, I mean after they
Speaker 1: just heard my intro. They might find it soothing. I
Speaker 1: never know what I'm walking into. I really it's like,
Speaker 1: I know, what's what do you feel today? What do
Speaker 1: you think the tone might be? Well, I don't know,
Speaker 1: you kind of a you're upset about something. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Where are you sad? I'm not? Um no, I'm well.
Speaker 1: You know there's an underlining, underlining underlying sadness. Uh this
Speaker 1: week for some reason. Yeah, I think we're all feeling
Speaker 1: it nationally. It's things are getting weird again and um yeah,
Speaker 1: just feeling a little bit low. But actually things are okay.
Speaker 1: I just noticed a stain on my dress and it
Speaker 1: just sent me for a Dare I say a spiral boy?
Speaker 1: And what was the what are the some of the
Speaker 1: key points that I missed? If you had to um,
Speaker 1: the key points are I everything I touched gets stained
Speaker 1: and dirty. Other people are clean just like by being
Speaker 1: like they're just born clean. I was born a smudge on,
Speaker 1: like I was just born dirty. My hair even yesterday,
Speaker 1: even you like saying my hair looked like wild, Like
Speaker 1: that's my wild state. Like some people's hair just like
Speaker 1: dries straight and like just like and and some people
Speaker 1: just have like naturally my skin. My sister's skin was
Speaker 1: always like perfect and she had straight hair, and I
Speaker 1: always had like discolored skin with zits and like and
Speaker 1: hair that was always just mousey brown, like mousey almost blonde,
Speaker 1: not really and like tangly. And it's hard growing up
Speaker 1: with like just your only example of another young girl
Speaker 1: that comes from your same lineage being like this perfect
Speaker 1: thing and you being like like drool everywhere, like not
Speaker 1: being able to keep a clean room. She likes clean things.
Speaker 1: She has like American girl dolls that have like the
Speaker 1: little basket of fish, and she has the little basket
Speaker 1: and she can keep the little piece of bait in
Speaker 1: the basket. And all of her barbies have both their shoes,
Speaker 1: whereas my barbies look like they should be living on
Speaker 1: skid row right when I got them out of the box.
Speaker 1: I once had a connection fit my my earliest memory
Speaker 1: of my parents looking at each other and going, oh God,
Speaker 1: something's wrong with this child, which it happened so many times.
Speaker 1: But my first memory was um Easter when I was
Speaker 1: probably three or four. I got a aerial doll, little Mermaid,
Speaker 1: and her bangs had like a weird flip at one
Speaker 1: of the bangs was like not straight with the other bangs,
Speaker 1: and I couldn't handle it. It was like it wasn't perfect,
Speaker 1: and especially a Barbie doll should be perfect, right, like
Speaker 1: there shouldn't be a man aufacturing flaw with the Barbie doll.
Speaker 1: And it just made me feel like I can't ever
Speaker 1: nothing can be perfect, and I I was crying so
Speaker 1: hard on the way to whatever fucking Easter family ship
Speaker 1: we had to go to. It was flailing around the van.
Speaker 1: I took off, like I got out of my seat.
Speaker 1: I was like throwing, hurling myself on the floor of
Speaker 1: the van on the side of it. I probably tried
Speaker 1: to like jump out into traffic. I'm not kidding. I
Speaker 1: was four and because the barbies bangs would not be straight,
Speaker 1: and I remember just feeling. I feel that way sometimes
Speaker 1: about things, like the other day, I was like looking
Speaker 1: around my room trying to clean it and I looked
Speaker 1: up on my um like a picture fell on my
Speaker 1: head because I had to like, I don't have a
Speaker 1: man in my life who knows how to hang anything.
Speaker 1: In the task rabbit I hired take seven hours to
Speaker 1: hang one picture, So I just don't trust anyone anymore.
Speaker 1: So I just propped this picture on my night or
Speaker 1: on my what's it called bed? What's the thing behind you?
Speaker 1: On a bed bed? For a headboard headboard, which, by
Speaker 1: the way, I've never even felt I deserved a headboard.
Speaker 1: And by the way, my headboard is rickety as ship.
Speaker 1: Even though I had a professional put it together, it's
Speaker 1: still rickety. And you know what I say to myself,
Speaker 1: it's not because I bought a rickety bed frame. It's
Speaker 1: because I'm rickety. Nothing I can own can be sturdy
Speaker 1: and and good and beautiful. It has to. And then
Speaker 1: I looked at it. It fell on my head because
Speaker 1: I had to prop it up against it because I
Speaker 1: was just holding it in place until I found someone
Speaker 1: to actually mount it and found a man to love
Speaker 1: me that like knows how to like put holes in walls.
Speaker 1: And my mom doesn't come over and do it, and
Speaker 1: it takes her thirty hours to hang one thing, and
Speaker 1: she goes, nick, I didn't tell you I was good
Speaker 1: at this, Well, Mom, you do it all the time. Well, I,
Speaker 1: this is how long it takes. Anyway, So I propped
Speaker 1: it up the other day, I hit my rickety headboard.
Speaker 1: The picture fell on my head Taylor Swift fell on
Speaker 1: my head, dented the side of my head. I started
Speaker 1: sobbing because I was just like the thing I love
Speaker 1: more than anything. The world just hit me like bangot
Speaker 1: my bang got dentit just like the bang. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: thank god, I don't have bangs that would really show
Speaker 1: you that I was off off my rocker. I get that, Da,
Speaker 1: I get everything you're saying about your sister. My brother
Speaker 1: is brilliant, like brilliant, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: he always was brilliant ap classes, you know, took s
Speaker 1: a T twos. He was always way smarter than me,
Speaker 1: like way more productive, could could study for hours twos. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I didn't even know that something out there
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ a second s a T just for fun
Speaker 1: certain colleges back in the day, like toughs and I
Speaker 1: don't know ivy League schools that he was applying to,
Speaker 1: like and so I And I was at least attractive.
Speaker 1: I was cute like I had that, and I was
Speaker 1: decent at sports. But that goes away. You know, your
Speaker 1: brother's bald is tuck. Yeah, he's shorter than you. Oh
Speaker 1: shi okay um ye. Growing up like physically it wasn't
Speaker 1: there for me. But you know, I'm sure if you
Speaker 1: ask your sister personality wise, and also she would say
Speaker 1: you're beautiful. But besides the fact, she would say a
Speaker 1: million things she wishes she had about you or had
Speaker 1: things that you have in your in your life. And
Speaker 1: I know that it's I'm not trying to like make
Speaker 1: you just feel better. I'm just being on like you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, like like on a pedestal, because
Speaker 1: she has a lot of people that would that put
Speaker 1: me on a pedestal that and and it's it makes
Speaker 1: me feel great, where at the at the same time,
Speaker 1: it makes me feel like, um, I'm projecting a lie
Speaker 1: and then I feel bad about that, you know, like
Speaker 1: because I just know that that's not true or whatever. Like, Um,
Speaker 1: I just watched Cooking with Paris today, a couple of
Speaker 1: clips they sent me. It's on Netflix right now, my
Speaker 1: episode of Cooking with Paris, And like, I just can't
Speaker 1: watch myself. I just can't. I'm just so disappointed in
Speaker 1: my performance every time. What do you see are? What
Speaker 1: is it? Like? What I just wasn't funny. I just
Speaker 1: like all these chances I had to be funny, I
Speaker 1: just go, Um, like, yeah, with someone that's like not
Speaker 1: riffing though, right, I don't know. I think it's sometimes
Speaker 1: it's not only you and I would have And I
Speaker 1: bet you if other people watch, they want to notice
Speaker 1: quite as you're so hard on yourself with these things.
Speaker 1: But but I always just think, like my friend Kirsten
Speaker 1: is funnier than me, Like she says funny stuff. No,
Speaker 1: she's actually funny like she is. She thinks like a comic.
Speaker 1: If you just wrote down what she said, you would
Speaker 1: be able to make a perfect stand up bit without
Speaker 1: any changes. Like she really talks very funny, but she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to do that. She doesn't want to be
Speaker 1: a comic. And that's always been my thing with her,
Speaker 1: is like she could be on SNL, she just doesn't
Speaker 1: want to. Um, my sister could be a model. She
Speaker 1: just doesn't want to all these things that I would
Speaker 1: want if I had that skill, I would Uh. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm just having a hard time today because they sent
Speaker 1: me all these clips to watch and I have to
Speaker 1: watch them to put them on my Instagram, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to watch them because they just make me
Speaker 1: so sad that I wasn't funnier and that I had
Speaker 1: a chance to be funny, and I just squandered it
Speaker 1: by going, uh, yeah, add more catch up, like what
Speaker 1: you would like? They give you thirty seconds to say
Speaker 1: something funny, and you go, yeah, more ketchup is good?
Speaker 1: Like what are you? What are you doing? Are you?
Speaker 1: Why would you? Why are you on this show? What
Speaker 1: do you bring to this show? I think we're similar
Speaker 1: in the sense like we're chameleons, chameleon chameleon, chameleonaire chameleons chameleons. Yeah,
Speaker 1: people where off people's energy. We go off of other people,
Speaker 1: like are you know? My whole life is like if
Speaker 1: I was hanging out with the stoners, I was a stoner.
Speaker 1: If I was saying know so, sometimes it's tough to feel,
Speaker 1: you know, the energy in the room. It's like it's
Speaker 1: not conducive for you to be your funniest self. And
Speaker 1: you know what, when you're not that funny, maybe it's
Speaker 1: just as compelling, you know what I mean. We're so
Speaker 1: used to having to fucking get a laugh every three seconds.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean you know what. Uh. Someone Brenna said this,
Speaker 1: which I love this line, and I don't know if
Speaker 1: she copied it somewhere but she said, uh, just because
Speaker 1: it's silly doesn't mean it's not meaningful. And I don't
Speaker 1: know I like that line or no, no, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Just because it's not serious doesn't mean it's not meaningful.
Speaker 1: So I don't know exactly how that works with this,
Speaker 1: but it's just like, like, at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: just don't be so hard on You're so hard on yourself,
Speaker 1: and it just upsets me because you're so talented and
Speaker 1: you have so many positive things, and you always are
Speaker 1: looking for the negative in you and it just like
Speaker 1: I just I don't know, and I know you don't
Speaker 1: want to hear that myself to a stand no, and
Speaker 1: I'll never believe you because I know what I consider
Speaker 1: to be excellent comedy. I have a very high bar,
Speaker 1: and I don't match that. Like I don't hit that.
Speaker 1: There's there are times when I hit it if I
Speaker 1: really work hard, but the amount of effort that I'm
Speaker 1: able to give, like right now to comedy, I can't
Speaker 1: really hit it. And it's I can hit other bars
Speaker 1: of like being honest and sincere and reel with my
Speaker 1: feelings and saying things that other people wouldn't say about
Speaker 1: how they're what they're going through. But then you go
Speaker 1: on Reddit and you get torn apart for being too
Speaker 1: like someone last night on Reddit said that I was
Speaker 1: spiraling and made this whole like in my subreddit, they
Speaker 1: made a whole post about Nikki's not even fun to
Speaker 1: listen to anymore. She's spiraling. Um, she's going through psychosis.
Speaker 1: She's torturing her friends that they they're all trying to
Speaker 1: have fun into loom and she's crying and being and
Speaker 1: these are all things I said, by the way that
Speaker 1: I gave of them. This wasn't like this person inferred this.
Speaker 1: These were all things I said. I'm annoying my friends.
Speaker 1: I'm a burden all my friends. I am uh spiraling,
Speaker 1: I said, I'm spiraling. And then this person makes a
Speaker 1: whole post about it. And it's just as like, why
Speaker 1: do I do I put that stuff out there because
Speaker 1: I feel like it's relatable and it's real, and I'm
Speaker 1: tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not and all
Speaker 1: these things that every other celebrity fucking does and so
Speaker 1: and I do a daily podcast so that you can't
Speaker 1: really escape that you can't I can't say, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's not tape today, I'm not feeling well, I have
Speaker 1: to show up and do it. And the thing that
Speaker 1: I've created on the show for myself is a place
Speaker 1: where I can be completely honest with how I'm feeling,
Speaker 1: regardless of I just have no room on this podcast
Speaker 1: to be fake. I don't think I wouldn't want that
Speaker 1: for me. You can skip the episode if you're not
Speaker 1: in the mood to hear me be sad. But you know,
Speaker 1: I feel like that's that's my talent now. And then
Speaker 1: I just got admonished for it by my fans on
Speaker 1: my sub credit, and then there were more than ever.
Speaker 1: Usually there's like a picture of me being like, look
Speaker 1: at her legs for days and it's like two comments,
Speaker 1: and I don't even read comments because comments are worthless.
Speaker 1: I just like, look at the post. But last night
Speaker 1: there was this diet tribe about how I'm unlistenable and um,
Speaker 1: I'm no fun anymore and why they used to like
Speaker 1: me they don't anymore, spiraling blah blah blah blah, all
Speaker 1: things I've given them, by the way, nothing they put
Speaker 1: together themselves, literally, and they they're acting like they put
Speaker 1: it together themselves too, which is so insulting. That's the
Speaker 1: worst part of it is when you give someone something
Speaker 1: and they use it against you, and you go, I
Speaker 1: gave you that you didn't. The mark of a good
Speaker 1: insult is one that you create on your own by observation.
Speaker 1: It's not one where you just throw the thing the
Speaker 1: person gave you back at you. That's actually the weakest form.
Speaker 1: You know, when you, like, are in an argument with
Speaker 1: your loved one and you've maybe told something about your past,
Speaker 1: like I don't know, I was teased for looking like
Speaker 1: an elephant when I was in fifth grade, and it's
Speaker 1: always been this thing I'm really insecure about. And you
Speaker 1: told that to your lover on like a really you know,
Speaker 1: a warm moment where you felt safe and vulnerable, and
Speaker 1: you both kind of laughed about it. And then later
Speaker 1: on he makes some comment about you looking like an elephant,
Speaker 1: but pretends like it's has nothing to do with that,
Speaker 1: even though he knows that he's trying to trigger you
Speaker 1: about the thing that is the same thing you're doing
Speaker 1: to me. Commenter. So I wrote back, and I go, this,
Speaker 1: nicky glazer, you know I read this thread. I gave
Speaker 1: you all that. So I wrote this whole thing back,
Speaker 1: and I felt really good about writing it. I didn't
Speaker 1: read any of the other comments. I'm guessing I'm hoping
Speaker 1: it was all people defending me, because they were fucking
Speaker 1: fifteen comments, which is a lot for Nicki Glazer subread
Speaker 1: at post. So either it was people agreeing with this
Speaker 1: person or was people defending me. I don't know which
Speaker 1: because I didn't read them after I read it, But
Speaker 1: you know, I think that probably got me started off today,
Speaker 1: which is ironic that someone who is complaining about me
Speaker 1: spiraling then cause as me to further spiral, thus, you know,
Speaker 1: just perpetuating the cycle of abuse. And I don't read comments, Andrew,
Speaker 1: so I unsubscribed from the reddit. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: read anymore. So I'm never gonna see when people say
Speaker 1: I look funny or cute or all the nice things
Speaker 1: that people were saying. We don't get to see this
Speaker 1: anymore because you ruined it. Person listening right now, we
Speaker 1: probably feels so good that you are being talked about
Speaker 1: for the first time in your life by someone other
Speaker 1: than your parole officer. Well, that person will probably go, well,
Speaker 1: I was doing it for you because I care about you, Nikki,
Speaker 1: and I'm a huge fan. And that's why I said
Speaker 1: to them next time, DM me, if you're really concerned
Speaker 1: d M Noah or Andrew, if you really are concerned
Speaker 1: from my mental health, why don't you write someone that
Speaker 1: actually it will get through to d m um the
Speaker 1: Nikki Glazer Pod. We don't have as many followers that
Speaker 1: we wouldn't see a message in the d MS. We're
Speaker 1: always all looking at it. I'll ignore it, they'll read it,
Speaker 1: they'll get back to you, they'll check in on me,
Speaker 1: do a wellness check. If you're really so worried about
Speaker 1: me that you wrote a whole message on I just
Speaker 1: I mean, you're cleaning your room today, you're in a
Speaker 1: good mood, you've got sunglasses on. I'm trying to get
Speaker 1: some of your vibe. Like everything in me, my negative
Speaker 1: vibe wants to like resent you and make fun of
Speaker 1: you for being in a chipper mood, as I usually
Speaker 1: do because that's my depression that wants to put everyone
Speaker 1: in the worst mood with me. But I'm instead I'm
Speaker 1: looking for a ride on that boat. Can I get
Speaker 1: on the boat comes coming in to Okay? Because I
Speaker 1: just told Noah you can collect a bunch of cans
Speaker 1: from your room and like make your bed with dirty
Speaker 1: sheets and you'll feel better, Whereas I need to get
Speaker 1: new sheets in a new bed and like a new
Speaker 1: hend better. I know, I'm going to clean my sheets.
Speaker 1: I'm after today, Like I'm like, my room's gonna be
Speaker 1: spotless and not the back closet, but the room will
Speaker 1: be good today, and then I'm gonna go, Hey, golf balls.
Speaker 1: Just feel good. I feel vibrant. I don't know, I'm
Speaker 1: ready to go. I'm vibry, I'm vibing. This is like
Speaker 1: an ad for um. What are what's the new drug
Speaker 1: that I hate the name of so much. It's called
Speaker 1: like jubuli or something. It's always on. It's the there's
Speaker 1: a new ad for a drug. It's probably it sounds
Speaker 1: like happy something. It's so bad these new drug names.
Speaker 1: They're just out of names. Yeah, yeah, they really are.
Speaker 1: They You look like your depression. We should make a
Speaker 1: fake depression and of someone that's coming out of depression
Speaker 1: where they're just exiting their room with a armful of cups,
Speaker 1: because we all know cups by the nightstand equals depression.
Speaker 1: We should do like a real ass depression that isn't
Speaker 1: just like a mom in bed looking out a window
Speaker 1: for Lorne or kids on a swing. You know, like
Speaker 1: that's not real. You know what's really depressing is when
Speaker 1: not just cans by the bed because we all know
Speaker 1: Lacroix can's add and up. That's depressed when they're only
Speaker 1: half drink or even three quarters drink. That is, I
Speaker 1: can't when you have to pour out a full causes
Speaker 1: my depression because you know that I drink. I drink
Speaker 1: every game down to the last sip because I love that.
Speaker 1: When you when I find a three quarters drink Zvia,
Speaker 1: even though you've paid for it, I get furious because
Speaker 1: I'm like, I would have drank that, and now I can't.
Speaker 1: I think I think I fell asleep, sad, I was
Speaker 1: too lazy to get to my night, staying to drink
Speaker 1: the rest of Lacroix. But I'm good now, I'm good now.
Speaker 1: You know I was sad. Dude, Brenda leaving really fucking
Speaker 1: fun with my head, so I'm but you know, it
Speaker 1: is what it is. Yeah, it's the first time you've
Speaker 1: ever been in love, like really in love. I know,
Speaker 1: I know, it's like it's so weird anyhow, but yeah,
Speaker 1: let's get to the news apparently, Well, why don't we
Speaker 1: sitting that feeling a little bit longer? All right, never mind,
Speaker 1: let's get to the news. You're like Katie on The
Speaker 1: Bachelor at I hope you're having all the swells out there.
Speaker 1: I know we talked about some sad stuff right now,
Speaker 1: but we're having all the swells because if you get
Speaker 1: out the negative, you end up positive, not with a
Speaker 1: bad disease, but with jubilee and your system. Okay, alright.
Speaker 1: At twenty two year old drunk frontier passenger screen his
Speaker 1: parents were worth a million dollars after groping to flight
Speaker 1: attendants and then punched a third before the crew duct
Speaker 1: taped him to a chair. You saw this video. It
Speaker 1: is so cringe e It's so bad. Was it on?
Speaker 1: It was on a frontier. First of all, if your parents,
Speaker 1: if your parents are worth enough money that you get
Speaker 1: to brag about it, you're not flying frontier. Well is
Speaker 1: it so funny when these people are like bragging about
Speaker 1: their parents net worth and it's like, it's not your money, dude,
Speaker 1: it's not your money. Also, two million dollars isn't enough
Speaker 1: to brag like you, it's not anymore. But and also
Speaker 1: that guy like it is his money. Andrew, that guy
Speaker 1: is a is a little rich kid who's waiting for
Speaker 1: his parents to die and it will be his probably
Speaker 1: because he's an old he's probably an only child or
Speaker 1: you know his older brother died of opiates and you
Speaker 1: know these kids in a wakeboarding accident. He will get
Speaker 1: he will get that money. He's not wrong, he's not
Speaker 1: wrong to say that. But I don't know after this
Speaker 1: video he might be kind of love to follow what
Speaker 1: happened after this and like, interview this kid or anyone
Speaker 1: who knew him growing up. Someone listening to this podcast
Speaker 1: has to know someone who knew this guy. Please let
Speaker 1: us know about it. Also, let us interview the parents
Speaker 1: because I want to know if he's still in the
Speaker 1: will Um. Here's the thing though, was this is he
Speaker 1: was obviously hammered. He asked for another drink, They didn't
Speaker 1: give him the drink because he was drunk, and then
Speaker 1: he threw a punch at the third person. That's when
Speaker 1: they duct taped him. Now, Pete, they got relieved from
Speaker 1: from their job. The the stewardess and ship do you
Speaker 1: think flight attendants do you think it's fucked up that
Speaker 1: they duct taped him, duct taped his mouth shut. I
Speaker 1: loved when they added the duct tape at the top.
Speaker 1: You see them duct taping him with all this like terrorists,
Speaker 1: you know, like apprehension duct tape that they have on hand.
Speaker 1: It's like special tape. You know, it's not probably duct tape.
Speaker 1: It's like, so they get him to the seat and
Speaker 1: then the guy just like keeps going around his head
Speaker 1: and it's so I knew that there was no point
Speaker 1: in doing that, but I really loved it. You guys
Speaker 1: gotta watch the video because of the guys. Everyone on
Speaker 1: the plane is like mocking him and laughing just by
Speaker 1: the end of it. Though I don't know why. I
Speaker 1: just I don't know why. I had empathy for him,
Speaker 1: because you know, your hammers have empathy for this guy
Speaker 1: for sure, and he has a terrible life to be.
Speaker 1: People were getting off on him getting tortured, like it
Speaker 1: ended up like he got duct tape. Funny, ha ha ha.
Speaker 1: Then they liked the torture, like there's a thing about
Speaker 1: people like, you know, public torturing. Where it went from
Speaker 1: him being annoying to the to the passengers being assholes.
Speaker 1: That's how I thought, although you know, if I was
Speaker 1: on that flight, I'd be like, you know what, let's
Speaker 1: just shoot him. But how did he grow the flight
Speaker 1: attendant did we hear about that, because that's he's on
Speaker 1: the window seat. How did he leap across to grab
Speaker 1: a tit his parents bottom long arms? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean he reached I don't think anyone was sitting
Speaker 1: next to him when he was taped up. He just
Speaker 1: kept going, help, help me help. Honestly, this kid is very,
Speaker 1: very sad and definitely struggling with alcohol and probably other addictions.
Speaker 1: And I'm not joking. I bet he's lost a sibling
Speaker 1: to opioids and that's why he's like, I'm going to
Speaker 1: get more of that two mil. I mean, this kid
Speaker 1: definitely grew up with parents who said stuff like that,
Speaker 1: probably behaved like that. If you are able to, you know,
Speaker 1: think about when these people behave like this, and think
Speaker 1: about where they came from that made act like this.
Speaker 1: You can find it in your heart to feel bad
Speaker 1: for them, because think about how embarrassing an awful life
Speaker 1: would be if you were one of these people that
Speaker 1: when you are provoked, you fly off the handle so easily,
Speaker 1: like these Karen's and these just people you see like
Speaker 1: cause huge disturbances screaming. Those people have anger management issues
Speaker 1: and they truly can't help but react that way. Think
Speaker 1: if your best means of handling uh situation where you
Speaker 1: got backed into a corner or were embarrassed or frustrated
Speaker 1: was to scream and have everyone in the terminal look
Speaker 1: at you and videotape you and laugh at you because
Speaker 1: you go well Nick either choosing to do that, I
Speaker 1: would honestly venture to guess that they don't, just like
Speaker 1: you can't choose when you scream at your husband or
Speaker 1: have road rage, Like you don't go right before you go,
Speaker 1: motherfucker fucking drive, do you say before that moment? You
Speaker 1: know what? I could not do that, and I could
Speaker 1: do that, Let me do it. I want to do
Speaker 1: like you don't sign up to do it, you just
Speaker 1: do it. So I'm not saying these people are right,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that there we should forgive them, And
Speaker 1: essentially I actually am saying we should forgive them because
Speaker 1: it would suck to I'm so grateful. I'm not a pedophile,
Speaker 1: and I'm so grateful I'm not a person that uh
Speaker 1: hits people when I get mad or throws things when
Speaker 1: I get mad, or says the worst thing I can
Speaker 1: think of when I get mad, Thank God. But the
Speaker 1: only reason I'm not is because I wasn't raised in
Speaker 1: an environment that made me respond that way, and I
Speaker 1: have a brain that doesn't short circuit to that. But
Speaker 1: if I did, I would had, like so many of
Speaker 1: us have been fucking blacked out, hammered acting almost just
Speaker 1: as ridiculous as him, but probably around other hammered people.
Speaker 1: When you get fucked up and you're on a plane,
Speaker 1: or if you're like a Walmart or like somewhere where
Speaker 1: it's not conducive to other people also being drunk, you
Speaker 1: know you're gonna stick out. So if you're gonna act
Speaker 1: like you know what I mean, Like he just decided
Speaker 1: to get very fucked up on the like in the
Speaker 1: worst situation possible, and with everyone with cameras. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like, put yourself like, we've all acted
Speaker 1: not that bad, but that bad in like a different
Speaker 1: kind of situation. You know what does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Like yeah, and if if, if you probably had his life,
Speaker 1: with his parents and his brain, you would do the
Speaker 1: same exact thing. But you weren't born with like him,
Speaker 1: so we can still get mad at him and laugh
Speaker 1: at him, but understand that you're just lucky that you
Speaker 1: aren't such an idiot as well and not being you Andrew.
Speaker 1: But even even you could go, well, I drank and
Speaker 1: sometimes they say buffoonish things, and maybe I would act
Speaker 1: like that, but I wouldn't do it before my flight. Um,
Speaker 1: you can't say that because you don't know. That guy
Speaker 1: might not have had a choice but to drink, and
Speaker 1: you might have gotten some. So you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: spend walk a mile in his fight. You've never been
Speaker 1: seat thirty three f on a frontier flight after you've
Speaker 1: had seven canceled flights and they're doing half price Margarita's
Speaker 1: at fucking you know. Uh, what's this? There's yeah, teacher
Speaker 1: Fridays what's his name? That always has a place in
Speaker 1: the in the God, why can't my brain is much
Speaker 1: who's the guy that always Tyler Florence. No, it's there's
Speaker 1: some guy that always Wolfgang Puck. That's the guy I
Speaker 1: was thinking of. I don't know. I'm just like even
Speaker 1: even the worst people in the world, I'm able to go.
Speaker 1: Thank God, my brain isn't like that, you know, and
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, maybe the person that wrote that thing
Speaker 1: about me and that reddit just instead of being mad
Speaker 1: at me, just go thank God. My brain isn't like hers,
Speaker 1: and you should. It's sometimes Helen here next story, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna cut my hair in the bangs a straight bang
Speaker 1: and have one off. Oh my god, you would not.
Speaker 1: My biggest fear is having an unbalanced bang, like a
Speaker 1: Betty Page bang that's a little too short. Just just
Speaker 1: kill me. I would just shave my head rather than
Speaker 1: have like a too short of bang. You with those
Speaker 1: four little hairs, I would rather have that. Brenda has
Speaker 1: five little hairs too. On the top. We have match.
Speaker 1: Let's move on subjects until we think about our love
Speaker 1: for her and we can't handle it, so we gotta
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, oh god, we're feeling things. I want to
Speaker 1: just touch her again. Okay, a woman escaped the steam.
Speaker 1: Get out of there. No, Brenna is my friend too.
Speaker 1: You get scissor. I don't care give your bandies on though.
Speaker 1: Oh I've I've scissored her like she's given me her
Speaker 1: foot and I've cut out a corn. You don't think
Speaker 1: that was intimate. I've been inside your girl. You don't
Speaker 1: have to do it with your teeth with a scalpel.
Speaker 1: I would have. I wanted to eat her, I told
Speaker 1: her I kept a little piece of coffee. Feel about good.
Speaker 1: I'll be happy to hear it. Yeah, okay, next door,
Speaker 1: next story woman chromgaroos bouncing? What get out of here
Speaker 1: with this story? It sounds like a fake story. You
Speaker 1: move on from if things are like really you know what,
Speaker 1: Like Mom, you're at like a graduation, like dinner where
Speaker 1: your parents haven't seen each other and forever they're divorced
Speaker 1: and they're like about to be on the precipice of
Speaker 1: like dad, Dad said that he gave you enough alimony
Speaker 1: to pay for that, and then you never let me
Speaker 1: go back to bellerina classes even though it could have
Speaker 1: been great. Well you're an alcoholic. And then everything gets
Speaker 1: quiet and it's like here about a stampedeo kangaroos. He's
Speaker 1: relating with of it, of them? It was ready for
Speaker 1: anchor man with the banda that escape from this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a good icebreaker. Let's let's have that be the
Speaker 1: new icebreaker. When things get really tense or awkward, we
Speaker 1: go do you hear by the seven Kangaroo stampede. Okay,
Speaker 1: go on, I mean that's pretty much the whole story.
Speaker 1: This lady was in Australia. There's a video of it.
Speaker 1: She's standing there and Australia. This happened to the down yeah,
Speaker 1: and above the ground. I thought it was Montana. This
Speaker 1: was in New This was on in Times Square. Kangaroos
Speaker 1: took the train all the way from Aspen. Okay, so
Speaker 1: it was it was a promo for it was a
Speaker 1: new like you know, um, what are those things called
Speaker 1: when the improv people, Yeah, a flash mom. I was
Speaker 1: thinking of a flashbob in Times Squared. It would be
Speaker 1: like Kangaroo Jack two's coming out. There's like twenty seven
Speaker 1: kangaroos let loose and they're like, what is this? Like, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is promo for the new movie. Anyway, Okay, So
Speaker 1: what happened Kangaroo would live in New York City. Though
Speaker 1: if we let twenty out just in the middle of
Speaker 1: the city, I wonder what would happen. They'd fine, they're
Speaker 1: scavengers and they look, they'd adapt. They would jump up
Speaker 1: on a fire escape ship. All right. So this woman
Speaker 1: was standing there was like an empty like in the
Speaker 1: middle of nowhere, and she saw the kangaroos coming at her,
Speaker 1: and it was like a fight or flight moment, and
Speaker 1: she just flighted a little to the left of the
Speaker 1: road and was waiting for the kings to come up.
Speaker 1: And they rude out of there. They they jumped over.
Speaker 1: There was like a like a barbed wire fence. Like
Speaker 1: fifteen of them jumped over. Four tried to go through
Speaker 1: the fence, one tried to go under. It was a
Speaker 1: real you know, they looked at her, they like stood
Speaker 1: up from jumping, and they were like, who's that. You know?
Speaker 1: They flighted, you know, even though they would have whipped
Speaker 1: her ass. And she's like, I hope I don't get hoofed.
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess that happens over there, you know. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so she was saved. But yeah, the twenty
Speaker 1: I don't know what the hell you just described. So
Speaker 1: to be honest, wait, there was a barbed wire. A
Speaker 1: woman saw kangaroos coming. I saw like from very far away,
Speaker 1: like um, an independence day when I'm trying to think of,
Speaker 1: like what's the thing like in a desert when all
Speaker 1: of a sudden you see like a little in the
Speaker 1: in the distance, you see them coming and you're like,
Speaker 1: what is that? Like the wildebeest. It starts out very
Speaker 1: like distant and your faint, and you're like, what's that
Speaker 1: little rumbling? Here's something. Then all of a sudden, she's like,
Speaker 1: holy sh it, it's the one to jumping angaroos coming
Speaker 1: at me. She ducks down under a barbed wire fence,
Speaker 1: trying she just got next to a bush. But were
Speaker 1: they coming at her or were they just coming in
Speaker 1: her direction? Where they coming forward direction? Okay, okay, so
Speaker 1: here's some here's some lessons though. I guess this would
Speaker 1: be great for listeners. If a kangaroo comes at you,
Speaker 1: so this is I'll list them down, and I'm sure
Speaker 1: this works for other animals. Bears call it time out.
Speaker 1: Call time out. Okay, call it time out. Call you mom? Okay.
Speaker 1: Turn your body sideways, exposing the narrow profile to the
Speaker 1: animal and protecting your face and organs. Raise your hands
Speaker 1: and lean your head away from the animal to minimize
Speaker 1: the chances of being scratched across the face by the
Speaker 1: kangaroo's nasty claws. Retreat, but do not turn your back
Speaker 1: and run. Give a short, deep cough and crotch down
Speaker 1: as you move away. Make it known you're not a threat.
Speaker 1: As a last resort if you can't escape and attacking kangaroo,
Speaker 1: roll up into a ball on the ground with your
Speaker 1: arm covering your neck and call for help. Try to
Speaker 1: roll or crawl away to a safe place. That's a
Speaker 1: lot of things. Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna this. This
Speaker 1: is what I got from that. Kangaroos are astonished by
Speaker 1: a profile shot. They like they love old timing. You
Speaker 1: know those old timey pictures where it's just a profile
Speaker 1: and a black profile of you that you could have
Speaker 1: on at six flags. They love those, So get a
Speaker 1: mimiograph of you as a profile shot. They love. They
Speaker 1: love a strong nose and chin. They're almost astonished into
Speaker 1: um they can't jump when they see that. They're just
Speaker 1: so h Then crawl into a ball, cough slightly. Get
Speaker 1: a rectal exam as you cough, right, there are things
Speaker 1: then um uh wait, you're supposed to also scream. Essentially,
Speaker 1: you're supposed to You want to back away, but not
Speaker 1: seem like a threat, so you can't run away though
Speaker 1: you don't go to Australia because you can't right now anyway,
Speaker 1: there's like, you know, you have to be in quarantined
Speaker 1: for like eight years, where I think you probably have
Speaker 1: to read a manual about how to prevent a kangaroo attack.
Speaker 1: It's probably on the like drive as license. Well, what
Speaker 1: I heard the kangaroo's if you're not wearing a mask,
Speaker 1: they set out twenty kangs at you, and uh. And
Speaker 1: the ironic thing is you got to take the mask
Speaker 1: off and do a profile shot if you want them
Speaker 1: to stop you seem like too much of a threat,
Speaker 1: or you pull your pouch. You pull a kangaroo pouch over.
Speaker 1: They all pulled their pouches up to the point where
Speaker 1: their masks disgusting. Why have you seen inside one like
Speaker 1: a hidden camera? Yeah, they just I guess the baby
Speaker 1: hangs out in there, and I just wanted to see
Speaker 1: what was going on. Wait, you did not look inside
Speaker 1: of pouch. You just saw there was no I've never
Speaker 1: seen it live, but yeah, I've seen an inside of
Speaker 1: the pouch bucket list, you know, pouch list alright next door.
Speaker 1: What I just love that we learned. I just love
Speaker 1: how we I do always think that if you're attacked
Speaker 1: by an animal, cover your face and neck because that's
Speaker 1: like your juggular and that's the moneymaker, right, yeah, I
Speaker 1: just don't. I mean the idea that you can't run,
Speaker 1: you gotta like casually walk. It's like when you've got
Speaker 1: to take a ship and you can't run. You have
Speaker 1: to do this like certain kind of walk. There's a
Speaker 1: certain speed that you have to walk so you don't
Speaker 1: shake yourself, right right, you can't go too slow, you
Speaker 1: can't go too fast. Is the same thing as a
Speaker 1: kangaroo walk like you gotta take a ship. That's what
Speaker 1: I think. Okay, yeah, no, that's that is interesting though,
Speaker 1: that like all these animals that charge, um, you have
Speaker 1: to you know, I was going to make a joke
Speaker 1: about their charging you money and then I just dropped it.
Speaker 1: But um, any animal that charges you just have to.
Speaker 1: You can't run from it because you'll always lose. It's
Speaker 1: always about like you have to confront these terrifying animals
Speaker 1: and go like yeah, yeah, like you have to kind
Speaker 1: of go like and like cough in their direction. And
Speaker 1: it's like so the opposite of what you would want
Speaker 1: to do. Flight's flight or cough, fight or clear your throat.
Speaker 1: I'm not a threat, but also don't come near me. Also,
Speaker 1: I'm going to turn to the side we look at
Speaker 1: them with side. I like, you have to look almost
Speaker 1: like suspiciously at them and go and then rolling the ball. People,
Speaker 1: let's get out of here. I don't believe any of
Speaker 1: this stuff, Okay. I would rather be stampeded by twenty
Speaker 1: three kangaroos. Then see one giant centipede that lurks in
Speaker 1: Australia that I always see on Reddit whenever there's a
Speaker 1: big bug. They're like, must be Australia, and they're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we got them down here. They're coming out of the wall.
Speaker 1: You know, a spider was in me sulks last night.
Speaker 1: These fucking bear heads too. Have you seen these bear
Speaker 1: heads on TikTok that like the bear gets close? Hey boy.
Speaker 1: There's a new one called Hey big Boy, and it's
Speaker 1: a grizzly bear and they're just like, hey big boy,
Speaker 1: it's okay. Wait. Isn't there a movie called The Edge
Speaker 1: that has a big bear in it? Uh? I feel
Speaker 1: like there's a bear in that movie The Edge, so
Speaker 1: they could be called the Edge. D Alright, guys, next story,
Speaker 1: why do I care? Getting breadcrumb can can hurt more
Speaker 1: than ghosting because we are strung along, making us feel
Speaker 1: a sense of helplessness, a lower quality of life, and
Speaker 1: the loneliness of feeling excluded. So essentially, breadcrumbing is when
Speaker 1: someone says, you know in the future you're going to
Speaker 1: get this, so stick around and then it never comes. Essentially, yeah,
Speaker 1: I I see could I can see how that could
Speaker 1: hurt more? Because ghosting, you go, it's definitive, it goes.
Speaker 1: It doesn't make you feel kind of crazy, like it
Speaker 1: cuts you off and you go, I can't believe this
Speaker 1: person who I liked and who liked me just disappeared.
Speaker 1: Like it's just very obvious that like that sucks, Like
Speaker 1: no one could argue. Ghosting is like unless he's dead,
Speaker 1: there's no excuse for ghosting, right, It's like he's the
Speaker 1: one that's in the wrong or she right, And all
Speaker 1: your friends can go, he ghosted you, how dare he?
Speaker 1: When it's breadcrumbing, your friends who are trying to make
Speaker 1: you feel better, or even your psyche that's trying to
Speaker 1: make sense of it can go. Maybe you're just reading
Speaker 1: into things, maybe you're expecting too much. He's giving you something.
Speaker 1: Don't don't be sad about this. He's giving you something,
Speaker 1: and then he can even justify it and say I
Speaker 1: did not talk to you. I said this. It's like
Speaker 1: when I used to get into a fight with a
Speaker 1: guy I dated, and I'd be like, are you mad
Speaker 1: at me? And he'd be like no, and I go, well,
Speaker 1: it seems like you are. And he's like why and
Speaker 1: I go because you're not talking to me? And he goes,
Speaker 1: what is this I'm talking to you right now? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, that's not what I mean. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like, I know you're actually making words
Speaker 1: with your voice. I'm not being literal when I say
Speaker 1: you're not talking to me, but I can't you're not
Speaker 1: saying anything of substance. And then it just you know,
Speaker 1: when they give you anything, it's hard to actually form
Speaker 1: a case. You know. I get it, I get it.
Speaker 1: I also thought bread crumbing. Honestly when I read it,
Speaker 1: was like, is no one making fun of my bed?
Speaker 1: Like I thought it was referring to me? And I
Speaker 1: think Noah was initially attracted this story because she saw
Speaker 1: the word Cross and she knows you're Mr Cross, Mr Grumsey,
Speaker 1: Mr Crumbs. I think your bed would mind would like
Speaker 1: if you ghosted it more than whatever you're doing to it.
Speaker 1: If your bed didn't have sheets on it. It It would
Speaker 1: feel your mattress would feel better if you had no
Speaker 1: sheets and slipped on a bear mattress than clean sheets
Speaker 1: with all the false promises you're giving it to it.
Speaker 1: You ate all the crumbs off, Professor. Have you ever
Speaker 1: have you ever bread crumbed to girl? Coma? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think I was bread cuming bread coming, bread crumbing. Oh Jesus,
Speaker 1: next story. Okay, Taylor Swift, why do I no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no, When did you bread cr I feel like
Speaker 1: I bread crumb bread a little bit up top because
Speaker 1: I didn't know if I wanted to be in a
Speaker 1: in a committed relationship, and I think sometimes I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm giving her all these things when I'm not really committed,
Speaker 1: and I just think, now I'm not bread carming anymore. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm um, you know. Yeah, it's sometimes out of fear,
Speaker 1: But I think bread crumbing is more about when you
Speaker 1: don't like the person and you're just trying to still
Speaker 1: get your dick sucked and you're like you would ghost,
Speaker 1: but you're just trying to be nicer and make it
Speaker 1: a little bit more confusing so you don't come out
Speaker 1: to be a bad guys, you always have an excuse,
Speaker 1: But yeah, I guess it could be that too. That's interesting.
Speaker 1: Good job calling yourself out on it and um actually
Speaker 1: saying your feelings, because I will say that when Andrew
Speaker 1: decided to actually lean into his feelings for her and
Speaker 1: admit that he liked her more than he was maybe
Speaker 1: even allowing himself to and was able to commit to her,
Speaker 1: the opposite thing that you were scared of happened. Because
Speaker 1: I think so many guys are afraid of commitment because
Speaker 1: they're scared that if I if I go all in,
Speaker 1: then it's probably gonna then it's gonna make me panic,
Speaker 1: like the panic I'm getting of being in a committed
Speaker 1: relationship and shutting myself off to every other opportunity. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, that's so scary. I'll probably like I want
Speaker 1: to get out as soon as I get in. But
Speaker 1: when guys, actually, when you choose to commit and you
Speaker 1: actually lean in, you were like so much more in
Speaker 1: love and like committed after you may the commitment then
Speaker 1: you were before when you were on the fence. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense? Yes? Yeah, a thousand percent. Why do
Speaker 1: I care? I miss her doing? You know? Why do
Speaker 1: I carer? And I hope you're listening. Taylor Swift narrates
Speaker 1: new Olympic video all about Simon, raises her talent on
Speaker 1: and off the mat. I mean to the podcast, Taylor,
Speaker 1: are you listening Taylor? Taylor? Oh god, Taylor this and
Speaker 1: I posted this on my story yesterday and I'm not
Speaker 1: INVENKINGU you might. I still have goose bumps. They I've
Speaker 1: never had goose bumps for so long after listening to
Speaker 1: a video. Taylor Swift's voice talking is amazing and her
Speaker 1: just you know, she wrote the voice over for this.
Speaker 1: I'm sure they gave her a template of like, here's
Speaker 1: what we kind of want you to say, and she
Speaker 1: was like, got it, guys, and she wrote it herself.
Speaker 1: It's so nice. Can we play it? Noah? No I
Speaker 1: just gave the best face ever. She did the thing
Speaker 1: where she lowered, just did where she lowers her glasses,
Speaker 1: like like, listen now, crisp her voices. It's just like,
Speaker 1: first of all, Noah has one of the Christmas voices going,
Speaker 1: but um, Taylor Swiss voice and this is just like
Speaker 1: she doesn't even sing. What do we want from our heroes?
Speaker 1: What do we expect from them? What do we need
Speaker 1: from them what happened. The song is called this is
Speaker 1: Me Trying by the last, and that was not what
Speaker 1: was playing. Just doubting herself somewhere. When you have the
Speaker 1: attention of the world, everything you do takes on a
Speaker 1: bigger meaning and it shows you someone falling. Kind of
Speaker 1: what it feels like fixed up for smone Vials. It's
Speaker 1: got to be a lonely place at times. Just want
Speaker 1: it again. I'm giving goosture. It can be a chance
Speaker 1: to change everything. Put mental health first because it shows
Speaker 1: how strong of a sheditor in person that you really
Speaker 1: are throughout the last significant Okay, thank you. I just
Speaker 1: beautiful as the perfection that had long been her signature.
Speaker 1: But don't you see it still is. She's perfectly human
Speaker 1: and that's what makes it so easy to call her
Speaker 1: a hero. Simone biles back on the beam in Tokyo.
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I just want to get up. She could
Speaker 1: do it, she could do anything. She could talk about
Speaker 1: me taking crumbs off my bed and like getting rid
Speaker 1: of like jizz in my sheets, and I'd be like, God,
Speaker 1: that is at least he's trying. Um, yeah, that just
Speaker 1: like I didn't even realize I was gonna get teary
Speaker 1: eyed just then, but like I feel like I needed
Speaker 1: to hear that today because like, you know, um feeling
Speaker 1: all these feelings of like like if Simone Biles can
Speaker 1: feel like she isn't good enough and have people tell
Speaker 1: her that she's failing them and like, isn't like you're
Speaker 1: not giving us what we expected from you, which is
Speaker 1: kind of how I felt about that Reddit post yesterday
Speaker 1: of like like I hate more than anything when people
Speaker 1: like buy a ticket to my show or listen to
Speaker 1: my podcast or like invest their time, because I do
Speaker 1: value that people even though the podcast is free and
Speaker 1: people always go it's free, what are you complaining about? Like,
Speaker 1: I actually do value that people like spend their time
Speaker 1: and like time you could be like talking to your
Speaker 1: kid right now, you're listening to a podcast that might
Speaker 1: make you better for your kid later because you know,
Speaker 1: indulged in your this or whatever. So when I have
Speaker 1: betrayed aid someone's trust in me that they put in
Speaker 1: listening to me or buying a ticket and then it's
Speaker 1: not what they wanted or the podcast isn't what they wanted,
Speaker 1: I feel like I've let people down and like I'm
Speaker 1: not living up to the golds that I have that
Speaker 1: that have made them subscribe to my podcasts in the
Speaker 1: first place, Like they saw me do a balance beam
Speaker 1: routine and they were inspired by that. That's why they subscribed. Nikki.
Speaker 1: We want more of you on the balance beam. We
Speaker 1: want more of you sticking the landings. And the truth
Speaker 1: is that sometimes you just like don't. And when Taylor
Speaker 1: said the thing about um, like the perfection is what
Speaker 1: this is all about, you know, like the Barbie's hair
Speaker 1: wasn't perfect, and like when I got a Barbie that
Speaker 1: is you know, their barbies are are notoriously perfect, and
Speaker 1: they set a standard for girls that are like you
Speaker 1: can never achieve that it's perfect. We shouldn't even give
Speaker 1: these two our girls. But for my barbie to not
Speaker 1: even be perfect the one that I get, like that
Speaker 1: to me just showed like even things that are always
Speaker 1: perfect you don't get they're not perfect for you. And
Speaker 1: so I've always been striving for perfection, which I know
Speaker 1: is a lost cause. So if you relate at all
Speaker 1: to this, I'm just saying that, like I need to
Speaker 1: hear that today, and maybe you should play it again
Speaker 1: for yourself too, because I think I was just caught
Speaker 1: up in her voice the first time. But like how
Speaker 1: Simone Biles and I said this the other day, like
Speaker 1: I want a poster of her quitting even though she's
Speaker 1: going to do it. She's back in Yeah I saw
Speaker 1: that one, but I really want her being like like
Speaker 1: a poster that looks like those ones that says like
Speaker 1: determination that are people having, like white men having their offices. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but um, I just want to say that the line
Speaker 1: about um being imperfect is perfect because that's what being
Speaker 1: a human is. So like whatever you are today that
Speaker 1: makes you like my stain on my dress is perfect,
Speaker 1: Like this is the way it was supposed to be
Speaker 1: for me. It's good that I have the stain on
Speaker 1: my dress that led me to have a sour mood
Speaker 1: this morning, because it's funny. That's who I am, is
Speaker 1: someone who acknowledges that I that I have a stain
Speaker 1: on my dress and makes light of it and makes
Speaker 1: a fun podcast about it. As opposed to if my
Speaker 1: dress was perfect, who knows what I would have talked about.
Speaker 1: It could have been a lot worse. So, Um, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry to get emotional, but like it's just I'm getting
Speaker 1: emotional in like a good way that, Like, I do
Speaker 1: realize that even when I'm not funny or like I
Speaker 1: bomb on the Para Sulton Show in my own mind,
Speaker 1: whether or not I actually did or if you know,
Speaker 1: f Boy Island takes out my of a moment that
Speaker 1: I thought was funny, and they kept in one that
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh that was embarrassing. I wish I wouldn't
Speaker 1: have made that face or like, oh my stomach looks
Speaker 1: bad and that shot Like I was meant to look
Speaker 1: like that in that moment and there was no other
Speaker 1: way it was going to be. And that's perfect, Like
Speaker 1: the imperfect things are perfect. So just try to remember
Speaker 1: that today. And um I'm sorry to like have this
Speaker 1: little moment. Obviously, I'm going through kangaroos. Oh shit profile profile.
Speaker 1: They're like, get a nose job, bitch. I'm like, oh shit,
Speaker 1: are you in my subreddit? Alright? Uh, let's get on
Speaker 1: to collection of Brenna. I love you collection. I just
Speaker 1: love Brenna so much. That's what's going on with me.
Speaker 1: Um No, I do miss her a lot though, and
Speaker 1: she's someone who probably would help me right now during
Speaker 1: this because we reached out to each other recently and
Speaker 1: shared our feelings. It was really nice. Yeah, behind your back, bitch.
Speaker 1: Let's get to collection of getting ready for so guys,
Speaker 1: if you didn't know, speaking of the good news that
Speaker 1: came from Reddit. We do have a subreddit for now.
Speaker 1: It is our slash c O u h L. You
Speaker 1: can find it on Reddit. It's where everyone's posting kiss
Speaker 1: on the reddit. I posted a video that Kirsten sent
Speaker 1: me um of one of the kids things I've ever seen. Kirsten,
Speaker 1: who is the first person you hear on that that
Speaker 1: goes getting ready for some kids. She sent me a
Speaker 1: video from last year, last summer when you know Trump's
Speaker 1: were out in full force and not wearing masks and
Speaker 1: proud of it. And there is a video that you've
Speaker 1: got to go watch over And I posted it from
Speaker 1: my Reddit account Nicki Glazer. I have a secret one
Speaker 1: too that I'm not gonna ever reveal, um because I
Speaker 1: it's it's mostly for posting on wart stuff. Um. But
Speaker 1: and I did say ward And if you're a new
Speaker 1: listener to the show and you rewinded a bunch and go,
Speaker 1: did she say word? Yeah? I did. It's a weird thing. Um.
Speaker 1: Collection of kids. These are all kids sent in by besties,
Speaker 1: and we love you for it. We love you screaming
Speaker 1: kid people. I um, I've been I could last night, Andrew,
Speaker 1: you heard me. Someone was revving their engine and I
Speaker 1: was eating dinner on the porch. I got it. At
Speaker 1: this point, it's involuntary. When I hear a rev like,
Speaker 1: It's like when a dog attacks a skateboarder. That's how
Speaker 1: I am. When I hear a rev like, I go
Speaker 1: good like, I guess I can't not do it. I'm
Speaker 1: really excited for it to be involuntary at some point,
Speaker 1: but people are really excited about the new subrenit. Thank
Speaker 1: you to the reddator who made the account. I really
Speaker 1: do think this is going to take off in a
Speaker 1: major way. Post your kids on there, but also keep
Speaker 1: sending them to the account, um NICKI Glazer pod uh
Speaker 1: and we will read them aloud and and also voice moments.
Speaker 1: So this is a KI from John K Hello No
Speaker 1: whatever it is himn par Pennsylvania and I was just
Speaker 1: calling with a momentum. We realized that the weekend. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure if you guys have discussed this, but possibly
Speaker 1: the most thing ever is when those guys hang like
Speaker 1: testicles like balls off the back of a big pickup
Speaker 1: truck and right in there with This is basically like
Speaker 1: any kind of bumper sticker. It's usually just, but especially
Speaker 1: I saw one this past weekend that said my heart
Speaker 1: beaver on a pickup truck with balls were also hanging
Speaker 1: off of it. I think that is as fuck. Have
Speaker 1: a good week always listening all the swells? John John,
Speaker 1: when is a bumper stick I totally agree that by
Speaker 1: default bumper stickers are kid. I also want to say,
Speaker 1: I have never understood the balls hanging off of a truck.
Speaker 1: Will you explain to me truck nuts andrew? Are they are?
Speaker 1: They just supposed to be funny and gross. I'm just
Speaker 1: mad they don't have hair on them. I think it
Speaker 1: would be pretty badass, you know. But I want to
Speaker 1: see a truck pussy. I want to I'm gonna put
Speaker 1: up some truck nuts in my mouth. Can we put
Speaker 1: it out there that we wanted truck pussy and I'll
Speaker 1: put it on the back of my Corolla. I swear
Speaker 1: to God like truck labia. Do you know that labia
Speaker 1: are balls or an empty ball? Said on Mike Corolla.
Speaker 1: Some truck labs that would be so funny to make
Speaker 1: those you know how girls have eyelashes on their cars. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: um wait, what is the point of truck nuts just
Speaker 1: to make people laugh? I think it's to make people laugh.
Speaker 1: It's also to be like, look, you know even you know,
Speaker 1: just just I got big nuts like my car, like
Speaker 1: I'm a badass on top, like proud of their balls anyway,
Speaker 1: So I don't like I would understand if it was
Speaker 1: like a truck dick, because guys are proud of But
Speaker 1: it's like a common phrase like, oh, that guy's got balls,
Speaker 1: he's got balls to do this, he's got balls. If
Speaker 1: you already have a hemmy, why do you need to
Speaker 1: add balls to it? Like I think it's just like weird.
Speaker 1: It's already understand that's got balls. Like you think putting
Speaker 1: your putting balls on a Ford focus would be used? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that would be great, but already on a car. That's
Speaker 1: like you're trying to like show off is It doesn't
Speaker 1: make any sense. But you're right. I think most bumper
Speaker 1: stickers are kid. I got one that said that is
Speaker 1: the kiss sticker from Etsy. I buy Taylor Swift stickers
Speaker 1: all the time on Etsy that are like, you know,
Speaker 1: they range from being like my favorite lyrics to just
Speaker 1: pictures of her and um, there's one that I saw
Speaker 1: that I think I paid six dollars for plus shipping,
Speaker 1: and it says yeah, it says milf and it says man,
Speaker 1: I love folklore. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm driving my
Speaker 1: mom's car, so I can't put any stickers on it.
Speaker 1: But I thought it was so kid that I had
Speaker 1: to buy it, Like, no, I can't. That's my mom's car.
Speaker 1: She would be so mad. You nice car. It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: It's not my car to put laughs on. Even if
Speaker 1: I buy my mom she's letting me wait wait, I
Speaker 1: can'd damn it does sound like wait, I want to
Speaker 1: ask your doctor about SLOPPI wait, what was the fucking
Speaker 1: um story? Steal steal a gelop from between bumper stickers
Speaker 1: and we'll get to the next story. Brand I missing? Um?
Speaker 1: Is it my my fifth my my fifth grader made
Speaker 1: the honor roll or my fifth grader beat up your
Speaker 1: honor real student? What is bragging about your fifth grader
Speaker 1: would know? No, no, the beat up one. You know what,
Speaker 1: because the sticker that says I'm proud of my fifth
Speaker 1: grade honor roll student, that's not for you. Hopefully that's
Speaker 1: for your fifth grader to show that you're a proud parent,
Speaker 1: that you love them and you're proud of them, and
Speaker 1: like they brought home the sticker to you. That's what
Speaker 1: makes I always think this, This parent doesn't really want
Speaker 1: this on their car, but they go, I want to
Speaker 1: make my child know that I'm proud of them and
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to talk to them and tell people about them.
Speaker 1: And you know, it's like putting your kids shitty art
Speaker 1: or on the fridge. Like my parents framed some of
Speaker 1: my shitty artwork and they probably didn't really love it
Speaker 1: that much, but they wanted me to feel like, oh, Nikki,
Speaker 1: you did something special and that made that gave me
Speaker 1: self esteem. So the I would say, it's wakeler to
Speaker 1: have the joke my mom just wrote me, how is
Speaker 1: my girl today? Is that the sweetest thing? I'm gonna say.
Speaker 1: I'm a milf. I'm gonna say, Mom, I'm feeling mills man,
Speaker 1: I love folklore. She's gonna go on. Um, okay, let's
Speaker 1: hear from Sarah. This is Sarah wrote in a d
Speaker 1: M to the show, Um, I'll and do you want
Speaker 1: to read it? Or second? Yesterday at my neighborhood pool.
Speaker 1: The girl said one thing. I'm guessing she complimented the podcast,
Speaker 1: and then she goes second. Her name is Sarah. These
Speaker 1: two guys my age forty is we're talking about college days.
Speaker 1: This guy was bragging about it. He took tests for
Speaker 1: all the frat guys, so they all treated him like
Speaker 1: a frag guy, all the benefits without having to pay.
Speaker 1: He was telling stories of parties and girls. I couldn't
Speaker 1: take it anymore, so I grabbed my stuff to leave,
Speaker 1: but not before yelling, oh my god, Sarah, I love
Speaker 1: you so much. I sent this to Noah and Andrew
Speaker 1: because I remember you deemed this to me when I
Speaker 1: was reading this. First of all, it said I found
Speaker 1: like She started off being like, here's a kid, and
Speaker 1: then she said the story I'm not even junkie you.
Speaker 1: As I read Here's a Kid. I start reading the story.
Speaker 1: I might have gotten distracted by something in between Here's
Speaker 1: a ka and me reading it. I might have looked
Speaker 1: up from my phone, or maybe my mom texted me
Speaker 1: and something came up. I started reading the story and
Speaker 1: after it said so they took tests for the frat guys,
Speaker 1: so they kind of treated me like one. I literally go, kid,
Speaker 1: I literally involuntarily to this story that I knew was
Speaker 1: going to be about kiss because I had forgotten it
Speaker 1: was just so this was maybe one of the kiss
Speaker 1: things I've ever heard, because frats in general are but
Speaker 1: a guy who didn't even go like Russia frat feeling
Speaker 1: like he's in a frat, the guy because he's the
Speaker 1: nerd that they cheated off of his poor guy. What
Speaker 1: a kid and I'm bad kid that didn't he was
Speaker 1: like the nerdy kid that always wanted to be cool,
Speaker 1: was the one that brought him the thing and his
Speaker 1: parents didn't put it on the car. Oh yeah, so
Speaker 1: he doesn't have self esteem and so he has to
Speaker 1: use his smart to get people who are less. Yea,
Speaker 1: And supposed if his mom just would have put it
Speaker 1: on the goddamn truck and said, putting up, there's truck nuts.
Speaker 1: What have you put the sticker and the truck nuts together?
Speaker 1: That would be really fun. I would love us a
Speaker 1: bumber sticker that said, my fifth grader made the honor role.
Speaker 1: Who haven't who I haven't seen in ten years because
Speaker 1: I left and for another woman. Yeah, that's how smart
Speaker 1: they are. They still persevered past the trauma of their
Speaker 1: dad leaving. Yeah, it's good for him. Hatchet nuts on
Speaker 1: your hair. I just said the word hatchet because it's
Speaker 1: a book that you read in school, Like that had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with anything. I was just picturing this
Speaker 1: kid who's struggling with his dad abandoning him, really getting
Speaker 1: into the book Hatchet in sixth grade. Let's get to
Speaker 1: Marissa's voicemail on the room Mr Brown by baby. So
Speaker 1: I have like a could that seems makes me seem
Speaker 1: like an asshole, and I really might be, but I
Speaker 1: know this is a judgment free zone with the three
Speaker 1: of you. So, this kid from my high school died
Speaker 1: a few days ago, and I guess there's so many
Speaker 1: people that were posting on Facebook, like reposting the obituary
Speaker 1: and saying like how good of a person he was
Speaker 1: and all of that, and I just find it so
Speaker 1: it's like, you weren't really friends with this kid, you
Speaker 1: haven't talked to him in ten years, and you just
Speaker 1: want people to feel bad for you that you know
Speaker 1: somebody who died. Like that's just so care Marissa. I
Speaker 1: mean you were so right girl. Like I used to
Speaker 1: hate this so much. I remember there was one guy. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to give not too many details because I
Speaker 1: feel like someone might listen to this podcast that the
Speaker 1: story involves. But I remember someone in my life died
Speaker 1: that was like in a group that I was a
Speaker 1: part of. All he died. No, but let's say it's acapella,
Speaker 1: So there was an an an alto uh no, a base,
Speaker 1: a guy who died a tenor he died tragically, and
Speaker 1: another group and our another guy in our acapella group
Speaker 1: who was not that close with him. I got a
Speaker 1: tattoo of the guy's name or like something that meant
Speaker 1: represented that guy on his body. Now, this guy already
Speaker 1: was someone who was tatted up, not crazily tatted up,
Speaker 1: but had tattooed, so it wasn't like a first tattoo.
Speaker 1: But he did commemorate this guy with a tattoo. Now
Speaker 1: I knew that if that this guy's relationship to that
Speaker 1: guy was not even as close as I was to
Speaker 1: tattoo guy, Like I'm not even that good of friends
Speaker 1: with tattoo guy, but I knew that I was closer
Speaker 1: with him than this guy. So I remembered thinking, if
Speaker 1: I die, this guy is going to get a tattoo
Speaker 1: of me, no doubt, like for sure. And I remember
Speaker 1: thinking that's such bullshit because people who are actually close
Speaker 1: to wouldn't do anything with their bodies to memory, Like
Speaker 1: the only that's I'm going to be remembered more by
Speaker 1: this guy taking off a shirt at the pool. People
Speaker 1: are gonna go, what's that about? What's that? Um, what's Fabio?
Speaker 1: What's that portrait of Fabio on your shoulder? Oh? Okay? Wow?
Speaker 1: She did have like a masculine look to her, and
Speaker 1: I guess you got it with her hair like down
Speaker 1: and like no makeup. That's an interesting What happened to her?
Speaker 1: She got hit by a um uh that that a
Speaker 1: kangaroo kicked them. It was bad, damn. Um wow, you
Speaker 1: guys must have been close. Um. Actually I didn't really
Speaker 1: know her. No, no, no, no no. This person definitely
Speaker 1: thinks no. But I actually was very close to her though.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Wow. Um I just ran into her
Speaker 1: mom the other day and she didn't even mention that
Speaker 1: she died. Yeah, I'm glad that I know it about
Speaker 1: it from your shitty tattoo, Like do you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying? Like I realized that the people that I'm
Speaker 1: closest to wouldn't be as kid and like brag about
Speaker 1: knowing me as people who didn't know me at all.
Speaker 1: But you know what, I also reason, I used to
Speaker 1: judge these people, Marissa, just with you, and I still do,
Speaker 1: by the way, I still could them. But I want
Speaker 1: to say that some people, even if they're just doing
Speaker 1: it to get attention and to get sympathy for feeling
Speaker 1: like you know, um, oh my gosh, they're trying to
Speaker 1: just get sympathy for being like I know someone who died,
Speaker 1: I'm special, I'm hug me. Really, what they need is
Speaker 1: a hug that they aren't getting for other things in
Speaker 1: their life that they can't really articulate. So I let
Speaker 1: them have it now. Um. I used to know someone
Speaker 1: who would get really mad when people would get upset
Speaker 1: about celebrity deaths and and say, you didn't even know
Speaker 1: the person. If you're this upset on Facebook about the
Speaker 1: death of Robin Williams, what's gonna happen when your dad
Speaker 1: dies or your mom dies? Like? Are you gonna? Are you?
Speaker 1: What are you going to post? You've just given us
Speaker 1: everything You're This is almost like the kind of post
Speaker 1: you would make if your mom died, So what are
Speaker 1: you gonna do when she died? You left no room.
Speaker 1: And what I reason is as someone who got very
Speaker 1: upset about the death of Corey Monteeth for no reason
Speaker 1: pertaining to my closeness to Corey Mont. I didn't know him.
Speaker 1: He died of a drug overdose. He was young. I
Speaker 1: just felt sad. My sadness that was unexpected when I
Speaker 1: got that Google alert or whatever was really because I
Speaker 1: almost died when I was young, tragically and wouldn't have
Speaker 1: achieved all the things I've achieved and all the joy
Speaker 1: I brought people, or the you know, just the life
Speaker 1: I would have lived could have been cut short by
Speaker 1: a dumb addiction that I didn't get help for. And
Speaker 1: so I was crying really for the for myself, and
Speaker 1: and like it was healing for me. So I think
Speaker 1: these people on Facebook that are looking so badly for
Speaker 1: sympathy for someone they didn't even know, we just got
Speaker 1: to remember that they're in pain in other ways and
Speaker 1: this is the only way they know to. Like it's
Speaker 1: almost like we were talking about breadcrumbing. You know, you
Speaker 1: feel like if a guy goes to you, you get
Speaker 1: so much more mileage out of being like he ghosted
Speaker 1: me than if he like texted you every so often. Right,
Speaker 1: So this just gives someone on something tangible when they
Speaker 1: don't aren't able to do that with, Like they're not
Speaker 1: able to admit that their parents didn't love them enough,
Speaker 1: or that they really miss their sister who isn't talking
Speaker 1: to them anymore. It's too painful to admit those things,
Speaker 1: or that they push people in their lives away and
Speaker 1: have caused themselves to feel really lonely lately. Like that's
Speaker 1: too painful, so they'd rather cry about Anthony Bourdain or
Speaker 1: that guy that you barely know from your high school.
Speaker 1: Final thought, the celebrity thing is interesting because it's like
Speaker 1: when they post, it's always like someone more famous than them.
Speaker 1: So it does feel a little like, you mean when
Speaker 1: celebrities posted. You've told me this before. Yeah, yeah, I've
Speaker 1: always thought it was kind of culb But you know
Speaker 1: what though, I think though we if you ask some
Speaker 1: most of these people, Hey, you posted this story. You
Speaker 1: didn't really know Jeff that Well who died wakeboarding. Uh
Speaker 1: you know, but you know, are you doing this to
Speaker 1: get likes? They'd be like, what are you fucking like?
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people don't think so, like
Speaker 1: you know, as dark as we are, like they are,
Speaker 1: but they are getting to get likes. It's because people
Speaker 1: hate people that are cloud chasers. But you've got to
Speaker 1: understand that likes our love. So these people didn't get
Speaker 1: enough love and and as as pathetic as it seems
Speaker 1: that this is going to give them this, Like you
Speaker 1: want heart emojis or are just people writing comments? You
Speaker 1: want the most comments and you're refreshing it to see
Speaker 1: how many comments you got about the post about your
Speaker 1: cousin who died. If that's making you feel better, just
Speaker 1: let it be. I mean, it's just like who cares,
Speaker 1: like even Andrew. Sometimes I see that you will latch
Speaker 1: onto like a like the Simone Biles thing you posted,
Speaker 1: a big thing like you were very passionate about, like
Speaker 1: people talking about Simone Files dropping out number a couple
Speaker 1: of days ago when it first hit Yeah, like you.
Speaker 1: But but you were triggered by that not because you
Speaker 1: are personally friends with Simone Biles, or because you love
Speaker 1: USA gymnastics, or because you love meant like or because health, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you struggle with mental because it was personal to you.
Speaker 1: And I could have gone Andrew, this is all about you.
Speaker 1: You're the reason you care is not because you care
Speaker 1: about Simone Biles. It's because you. You You care about you.
Speaker 1: And this makes you get defensive of people who judge
Speaker 1: you for having mental illness things which you know and
Speaker 1: I know too, this you but that's okay that you
Speaker 1: took that stand on it, and that you're not taking
Speaker 1: a stand on Yemen, like this is what people get
Speaker 1: mad about. Its goes you're gonna get You're gonna make
Speaker 1: a whole post about Simone Biles getting some ship talk
Speaker 1: to her about from a tennis player, uh, and you
Speaker 1: won't post anything about millions of starving kids in Yemen.
Speaker 1: And it's like, well, that doesn't relate to me as
Speaker 1: much as this does, and it doesn't trigger my shame
Speaker 1: that I have about my mental illness as as this does.
Speaker 1: And so does that make sense? And I'm sure I
Speaker 1: just relate whenever I post something like that. And I'm
Speaker 1: really passionate about like a news item that's kind of
Speaker 1: out of nowhere. It's because it's because I feel defensive
Speaker 1: and I feel victimizing. Was funny with that post, because
Speaker 1: like I when I saw the story, it just like
Speaker 1: I just I honestly just felt compelled to write something,
Speaker 1: and then when I didn't, I swear to God, I
Speaker 1: thought I would probably like take it down in like
Speaker 1: two minutes. And then it got so many likes compared
Speaker 1: to my other where, Like I started to be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I didn't mean for this to be about my life,
Speaker 1: Like I started to get I feel like, um insecure
Speaker 1: about like getting these likes, Like I don't want these sympathy,
Speaker 1: Like this isn't for that. I literally just wanted to
Speaker 1: put this out, I swear to God, Like I felt
Speaker 1: like weird about it becoming such a about it getting legs, yeah,
Speaker 1: because it became like it got shared more than anything
Speaker 1: I've ever posted or any And I was like, also,
Speaker 1: it's kind of easy to be like, but like, why
Speaker 1: would that make you feel sad that it got shared
Speaker 1: when a PicTel you would be celebrating a video of
Speaker 1: you dancing with your shirt off getting shares like that,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, because I feel like
Speaker 1: I do sometimes feel like I could have been funnier
Speaker 1: with it, and they I'm almost like been not a contrarian,
Speaker 1: but like just been a little bit more satire ish,
Speaker 1: you know. Sometimes when I think, because uh, when you
Speaker 1: just write something like kind of like a preachy post,
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes it really is easy to get
Speaker 1: legs on a preachy post, does that make sense? Or
Speaker 1: a vulnerable one where you're taking a stand and defending
Speaker 1: someone that so it feels easy because as a comedian,
Speaker 1: I want to be the funniest I don't want to
Speaker 1: be the most preach great and I could go Andrew
Speaker 1: just got a bunch of likes for saying the easiest
Speaker 1: thing that everyone's saying. Only like three people are even
Speaker 1: actually mad at this girl, and they're all like right
Speaker 1: wing idiots, so like he's not saying that something that
Speaker 1: anyone which you. I didn't read it because I was
Speaker 1: just like, but feel too much for me? Thoughts are
Speaker 1: a little Are these real thoughts that you actually have
Speaker 1: towards that or towards me? No, towards it, like about
Speaker 1: myself when I when I post those things. But I
Speaker 1: just knew that post you made it because you don't
Speaker 1: like when people judge you for having mental illness stuff?
Speaker 1: Right would judge me or judge anyone? I just anyone.
Speaker 1: But it's like, but if you didn't suffer with mental illness,
Speaker 1: you probably wouldn't have been as fired up. I just
Speaker 1: have to say, but that's just because I'm assuming that
Speaker 1: for myself. I get fired up about things like the
Speaker 1: trans movement. I remember I was like very I'm and
Speaker 1: I'm wrapped ing up, But I remember being obsessed with
Speaker 1: how no one could understand that when Caitlyn Jenner came out,
Speaker 1: Everyone's just like, what the funk? And they couldn't understand it.
Speaker 1: And I just didn't understand why people couldn't understand that
Speaker 1: you were someone could be born in the wrong body,
Speaker 1: like feel like they were a boy, or feel like
Speaker 1: they were a girl when they were born with a
Speaker 1: vagina or penis, Like how could you not understand that?
Speaker 1: In my therapist, I used to just go into my
Speaker 1: therapist office and go, I'm so obsessed with making people
Speaker 1: understand trans issues and I really can't be friends with
Speaker 1: people who don't get it, who can't empathize with that,
Speaker 1: And she goes, are you trans? Like what's going on?
Speaker 1: And I go, I know, like, no, I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I should be a man or whatever. Like my
Speaker 1: pussy does look like a penis sometimes, but like that's
Speaker 1: not that's a joke, But like I I. The thing is,
Speaker 1: I relate to trans issues and I was passionate about it.
Speaker 1: Not because I'm such a trans advocate and I love
Speaker 1: trans people, Yes I do, and I empathize with them,
Speaker 1: but it's because I felt like I was born in
Speaker 1: the wrong body, meaning I felt like my sister got
Speaker 1: the right body and I got some kind of wrong body.
Speaker 1: Not that I was assigned the wrong gender, but because
Speaker 1: but because I thought I deserved to have straight hair,
Speaker 1: smooth skin, um no acne, and I felt literally wanted
Speaker 1: to be skinnier, wanted to be taller, wanted to be
Speaker 1: all these different things. I felt just the same, like
Speaker 1: I knew what it feels like to be born, to
Speaker 1: feel like God smited you with the wrong body, that
Speaker 1: you mentally you were meant to look like Giselle not
Speaker 1: Nikki Glazer, and feeling like it was unjust and I
Speaker 1: needed people. I was so mad about because I needed
Speaker 1: people to understand me. And the thing is, I didn't
Speaker 1: make that connection until I was in therapy and she
Speaker 1: was like, why are you so upset about this? Because
Speaker 1: I was like, I guess I'm just a good person
Speaker 1: that like has empathy for trans people. I'm just like
Speaker 1: on the on the right side of things. No, bitch,
Speaker 1: it's because it's about you. Well, you said to me
Speaker 1: before you go. You know, when I don't have makeup on,
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes I look like a man. And
Speaker 1: then when and then when you so you understand like
Speaker 1: getting done up to look more feminine, which I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm in drag sometimes when I dress up like
Speaker 1: a woman a lot, and then I feel really comfortable
Speaker 1: when I dressed like a man. Sometimes I don't understand it.
Speaker 1: I don't yearn to be a man the way the
Speaker 1: trans people do. I've looked into it, even because when
Speaker 1: I met Caitlin Jenner, she said, are you trans? Because
Speaker 1: she sensed my empathy so much and it even made
Speaker 1: me question it. But I am. I am not trans.
Speaker 1: I uh if I were, Well, I'm not counting it
Speaker 1: out because you can, you know, you can discover these
Speaker 1: things about yourself later. But I've done a lot of
Speaker 1: thinking on it, and uh, it's just not me. Um,
Speaker 1: So don't be kid there. Thanks for putting up with
Speaker 1: this podcast today. It was a wild one. I love
Speaker 1: you guys so much. As always. If you don't enjoy
Speaker 1: the podcast or me at any point, just turn it
Speaker 1: off about me. You can d M Andrew or Noah
Speaker 1: and just try to keep things nice out there and
Speaker 1: be nice to each other and understanding and kind. And
Speaker 1: I'll try to do the same. And I love you
Speaker 1: guys so much, and don't be kid and um all
Speaker 1: the swells. Watch Cooking with Paris on Netflix. We miss you,
Speaker 1: brenna Um. I'm one of the episodes on Netflix is
Speaker 1: Cooking with Paris. Also f Boy Island new episodes out Thursday.
Speaker 1: We watched all three last night. It's so good. Check
Speaker 1: it out. We'll see it tomorrow on the podcast. Uh