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Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and if you're new and don't know what Couch Talx is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you sent to me and

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Speaker 1: you can send those two Catherine K A t h

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Speaker 1: R y N at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: And always like to remind you guys that although I'm

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Speaker 1: answering your questions, this podcast still does not serve as

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Speaker 1: a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services. Now,

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Speaker 1: for those of you who are not new and you

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Speaker 1: also have been following along on my personal Harry Potter journey,

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Speaker 1: I would like to give you, guys, I know, a

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Speaker 1: much awaited update. I'm assuming you guys have just been

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Speaker 1: on your toes wondering how it's going. And for those

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Speaker 1: of you who don't know I'm talking about, I watched

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Speaker 1: the New, not the New. I watched all of the

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Speaker 1: Harry Potter movies for the first time ever over Christmas

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Speaker 1: break or over the holiday season, and I became a

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Speaker 1: super fan. And now I am listening to all the

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Speaker 1: books because you just can't stop with the movies. I

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Speaker 1: actually liked that I watched them first because I honestly

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Speaker 1: had no idea what was going to happen in the

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Speaker 1: first movie. I completely forgot because you know, that was

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Speaker 1: what eight movies zero and what I thought was going

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Speaker 1: to happen didn't even happen, which is hilarious. But there's

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Speaker 1: just so much more detail in the book, and it

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Speaker 1: gives you so much more contacts, and I just feel

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Speaker 1: like these people are becoming my friends even more than

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Speaker 1: I already thought that they were from watching the movies.

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Speaker 1: But again, let's go to my update. I finished listening

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Speaker 1: to the second book today, the Chamber of Secrets, so

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Speaker 1: I might start rewatch in that movie tonight because I

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Speaker 1: I listened to I keep wanting to say I read

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Speaker 1: the book, but I listened to The Sorcerer's Stone first,

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Speaker 1: and then I rewatched that movie and I was like

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Speaker 1: watching it for the first time, honestly, And so I

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Speaker 1: think I'm gonna keep doing that with all the movies.

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Speaker 1: Just you know, I have to keep upping my super fandom.

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Speaker 1: So I wanted you guys know that I did that.

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Speaker 1: I think that The Chamber of Secrets might be my favorite.

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Speaker 1: It was so good. It was just such a good story. Also,

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Speaker 1: I started watching that like twenty Year Reunion yesterday and

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Speaker 1: I didn't finish it. I got a little bored, I

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Speaker 1: have to admit, and I hate saying that, but I

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Speaker 1: thought it was very interesting. Apparently the Sorcerer's Stone was

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Speaker 1: called the Philosopher's Stone in England or London or wherever

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Speaker 1: it was called that. I thought that was interesting. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: there's really no point of me sharing that other than

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Speaker 1: I just want to keep you guys updated, and I

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Speaker 1: like talking about Harry Potter. So this is a place

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Speaker 1: that I can do that. Nobody can save you quiet,

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Speaker 1: because I mean, you could fast forward through this part,

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Speaker 1: but I still get to say what I need to say.

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Speaker 1: So thank you. If you didn't fast forward and you

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Speaker 1: heard that, I appreciate it, and I appreciate all of

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Speaker 1: you be invested in this part of my life now.

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Speaker 1: Because I think Harry Potter is so wonderful. I thought

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Speaker 1: it would be nice to share a quote that I

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Speaker 1: thought was so good from the movie, more from the book,

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Speaker 1: and it is from Dumbledore of course, because he is,

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Speaker 1: you know, just a great user of words, speaker of words,

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Speaker 1: and he said, it is our choices that show us

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Speaker 1: what we truly are, far more than our abilities. And

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Speaker 1: oh god, I could do a whole episode on that,

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Speaker 1: right We could have a whole conversation on that quote

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Speaker 1: right there. It is our choices that show us what

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Speaker 1: we truly are, far more than our abilities. That is

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Speaker 1: something that can be applied to so many things in

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Speaker 1: so many ways and so many circles. And what I

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Speaker 1: hear in that it's not really what you can do,

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Speaker 1: it's kind of what you do with what you can do,

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Speaker 1: and how you approach what you can do, and not

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Speaker 1: really the cards you were dealt, but what you do

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Speaker 1: with those cards that you are dealt that actually shows

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Speaker 1: who you are and is the more important part of

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Speaker 1: who you are. Also, quick announcement before we get into

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Speaker 1: today's question, in case anybody missed it there. This is

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Speaker 1: a big announcement, but Amy Brown is doing another live

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Speaker 1: podcast show and Amy Brown hosts the four Things podcast,

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Speaker 1: which I co host on Tuesday's For the fifth Thing,

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Speaker 1: we did a live show in November and we're now

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Speaker 1: doing a second one. It will be in Nashville. It's

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Speaker 1: actually at the Franklin Theater in my hometown. Where I

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Speaker 1: grew up, and it is on March, and the tickets

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Speaker 1: go on sale January this Friday, so mark your calendar,

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Speaker 1: set your alarm so you can get tickets. This is

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Speaker 1: a smaller venue, so less tickets are going to be

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Speaker 1: available because of that. Also, there is a Live Fifth

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Speaker 1: Thing recording for anyone who purchases a v I P ticket,

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Speaker 1: So that's really cool. Me and Amy will record a

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Speaker 1: Live Fifth Thing episode. And those episodes, if you're not

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Speaker 1: familiar with them, are us just talking about a lot

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Speaker 1: of different stuff. We sometimes talk about a quote the

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Speaker 1: whole time, We talked about random stories the whole time.

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Speaker 1: We read emails from listeners and share stories from other people,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes we talk about you know, last week, if

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Speaker 1: you're gonna listen to an episode, this might be a

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Speaker 1: good one to start with. But last week we talked

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Speaker 1: for about I don't know, fifteen minutes about a time

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Speaker 1: when Amy got irrationally upset over not receiving the barbecue

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Speaker 1: swirl on her pizza from Mellow Mushroom and me becoming

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Speaker 1: irrationally upset and sending an email to the Firehouse Subs

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Speaker 1: online customer service because my order was wrong, And so

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Speaker 1: we just talked about those stories and got a little

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Speaker 1: laugh about our behavior and how that transpired. Anyway, So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to share that if you would like to

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Speaker 1: come to that show, if you're able to come to

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Speaker 1: that show, I would love for you to be there.

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Speaker 1: I'm obviously going to be there, and you know, just

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Speaker 1: a fun little thing. You can make it into a

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Speaker 1: little vacation or something. Also, before I get into the question,

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Speaker 1: I also wanted to mention that I went to the

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Speaker 1: movie theater this weekend. I don't do that very often.

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Speaker 1: I actually don't remember the last movie that I saw

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Speaker 1: in the theaters, but I got this desire to go

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Speaker 1: to the movie theater like a random, just like yearning

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Speaker 1: inside of my body. And then I couldn't let it

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Speaker 1: go and I didn't have a movie I really wanted

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Speaker 1: to see. And then Amy, who was talking about earlier,

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Speaker 1: she suggested a man named Otto. We actually went and

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Speaker 1: saw it together. And I just wanted to say if

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Speaker 1: anybody is looking for a activity one to go to

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Speaker 1: the movie theater and see anything, because the movie theater

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Speaker 1: experiences are very different these days. It was in a

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Speaker 1: reclined seat, so much space I could kick my feet up.

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Speaker 1: I could have been there all day. It was amazing.

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Speaker 1: It was more comfortable than my home. And as you

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Speaker 1: can tell, I probably go to the movie theater less

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Speaker 1: than you thought I did because I didn't know that

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Speaker 1: this was the experience that we were having now. So

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Speaker 1: that was amazing. But the movie was so good, one

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Speaker 1: of the best movies I've seen in a long time.

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Speaker 1: Tom Hanks is the main character, and oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I cried like a baby. It was a good kind

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Speaker 1: of cry. It felt very good. Although I've been crying

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Speaker 1: a lot these days during movies, so well, you know

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Speaker 1: what it does. It's valid because everybody in our row

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Speaker 1: was crying, so it wasn't just me being extra sensitive.

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Speaker 1: So good. So if you're looking for a movie, or

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Speaker 1: if you're looking for anything to do, go see that movie.

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Speaker 1: I would see it again in theaters if somebody would

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Speaker 1: go with me. Actually I might go by myself. Okay,

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Speaker 1: now let's get to our question for the week, and

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Speaker 1: a quick reminder. I usually answer one question per week,

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Speaker 1: and they always remain anonymous, so you can feel safe

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Speaker 1: standing in your question. So here it is, So here

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Speaker 1: it is, Hikat. I recently started listening to your podcast

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Speaker 1: and I found it to be really helpful. I am

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Speaker 1: hoping that you will consider my question for an upcoming

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks episode. I recently had dinner with a friend

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Speaker 1: who I have known for many years. She shared some

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Speaker 1: things that made me very uncomfortable. She told me that

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Speaker 1: she is cheating on her husband with multiple men and

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Speaker 1: she has no intention of stopping. I listened and tried

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Speaker 1: not to act judgmental. However, I was shocked and felt

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Speaker 1: a pit in my stomach because I completely disagree with

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Speaker 1: her actions. At the end of the dinner, my friend

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Speaker 1: thanked me for not judging her. While I'm glad she

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Speaker 1: felt like she could talk to me, I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: if I did the right thing by not telling her

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Speaker 1: that I think her actions are wrong. I'm really nervous

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Speaker 1: to hang out with her again, and I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: if I can do it. She is very different than

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Speaker 1: the person I thought she was. Do you have any

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Speaker 1: advice on how to navigate a situation where a friend

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Speaker 1: is engaging in a behavior you strongly disagree with? Thanks? Okay,

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Speaker 1: so this one was I wanted to say it was

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Speaker 1: shocking to read, but as a therapist, there really aren't

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Speaker 1: that many things that shocked me anymore, because I hear

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Speaker 1: so many of the secrets that people don't really share

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Speaker 1: that often. I think what was shocking to read was

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Speaker 1: more that she told you so flippantly it sounded and

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Speaker 1: there wasn't a lot of desire to change the behavior

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Speaker 1: or feelings about the behavior that you shared with me.

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Speaker 1: I don't know really how that was. I can imagine

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Speaker 1: feeling extremely caught off guard in the situation, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I thought about you and you sitting there and trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out what to do and how to react.

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Speaker 1: And I think when we're trying to be in quotes

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Speaker 1: good people, we get really in our heads about what

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Speaker 1: that actually even looks like. So we have this flashing

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Speaker 1: like headline that says, don't be judgmental, don't be judgmental,

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Speaker 1: don't be judgmental, And so then we become really accepting

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Speaker 1: of literally everything. And so I wanted to just say

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Speaker 1: first off, that you can be a good person and

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Speaker 1: still have judgments about people. Everybody has judgments about people,

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Speaker 1: And I know that might sound kind of strange to

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Speaker 1: here a therapist say, Hey, I think it's okay to

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Speaker 1: judge people, But I live in a world where I

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Speaker 1: accept that judgment is a natural part of life. It's

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Speaker 1: something that just happens, and what we do with the

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Speaker 1: judgment is more important than whether or not we have them,

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Speaker 1: because then we get to make really conscious decisions and

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Speaker 1: we get to be in charge of those. And even

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Speaker 1: it relates to my quote that I said from Dumbledore

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Speaker 1: earlier about it's more important not your ability to not

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Speaker 1: be judgmental, but what you do, like what choices you

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Speaker 1: make in regards to having judgments that do come up.

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Speaker 1: And I'm really curious about a lot of things, So

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Speaker 1: I'm going to throw out a lot of things at

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Speaker 1: you to think about, and I want anybody who might

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Speaker 1: have a similar situation like this. It doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be as extravagant or big as this dilemma, but I

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Speaker 1: want anybody to kind of like just take in some

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Speaker 1: of these questions that might help you in the future

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Speaker 1: as well. I'm very curious as to what you did

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Speaker 1: say in this conversation, because you said you didn't want

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Speaker 1: to act judgmental, and I think they're a difference in saying, oh,

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Speaker 1: good for you, like cheering something on because you don't

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Speaker 1: want to be judgmental, and then taking like a more

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Speaker 1: neutral stance like, oh, I wasn't expecting that um and

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Speaker 1: not really giving an opinion on what you think about

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Speaker 1: that behavior. And what I want to do is turn

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Speaker 1: this a little bit on you versus focusing on your

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Speaker 1: friend and what she's doing. It sounds like you might

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Speaker 1: have been more concerned with how she was perceiving you

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Speaker 1: then how you were actually feeling. So I would be

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Speaker 1: very curious about what did come up. What was uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: about what she was saying? I felt uncomfortable because it

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Speaker 1: is a sentence that you might want to try to finish,

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Speaker 1: or I think what she's doing is wrong because it

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Speaker 1: might be something for you to try to complete as well.

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Speaker 1: I suppressed my thoughts because just kind of answer some

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Speaker 1: of those sentence stems and see what comes up, and

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Speaker 1: that might lead you to a need or more information

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Speaker 1: about really what was going on with you underneath the

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Speaker 1: I don't want this person to feel judgment. Something else

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Speaker 1: I might ask is why don't I want her to

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Speaker 1: feel judged? What do I want her to feel? And

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Speaker 1: am I responsible for those feelings? Do I have the

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Speaker 1: ability to change somebody's feelings? Might be some more questions

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Speaker 1: that might be helpful to answer. I also am wondering

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Speaker 1: here what it would have been like to get really

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Speaker 1: curious about why she was sharing, what was going on

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Speaker 1: and what she was looking for. I don't have clarity

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Speaker 1: on that from the email, and I don't know if

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Speaker 1: you had clarity on that, if she said, um, there's

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Speaker 1: a reason she was telling you or what she wanted

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Speaker 1: from you, then based on that, you might have felt

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Speaker 1: a little more inclined to be honest about what it

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Speaker 1: was like for you to hear that stuff from her,

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Speaker 1: those confessions. Now, I'm making the assumption that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to throw this friendship away else I don't know

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Speaker 1: that you would take the time to write this email.

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Speaker 1: So another thing I'm curious about is what is it

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Speaker 1: that you would need to repair this friendship. It sounds

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Speaker 1: like your friend doesn't even know that there might be

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Speaker 1: any kind of rupture, and so what do you need

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Speaker 1: to repair that? And is it something that requires her

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Speaker 1: knowledge of the rupture? That is depending on what that

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Speaker 1: first answer is. Now, depending on that, it might be

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Speaker 1: really helpful for you to take yourself into account and

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Speaker 1: maybe share with her a bit about the aftermath of

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Speaker 1: that conversation and what it was like for you what

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Speaker 1: it brought up for you after you've kind of answered

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Speaker 1: some of these questions and you really had clarity to

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Speaker 1: think about it. And you can approach that super simply

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Speaker 1: by saying, Hey, are you open to hearing some things

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Speaker 1: that came up for me when we met last time

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Speaker 1: and we talked about X, Y Z. And if she

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Speaker 1: says yeah, then you have an invitation to share your experience.

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Speaker 1: And I also would encourage you to let her know

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Speaker 1: what you're looking for, just like I asked, do you

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Speaker 1: have clarity on what she was looking for? It's really

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Speaker 1: helpful and conversations to ask for what we need so

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Speaker 1: we can show up for our friends in the best way.

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Speaker 1: In those circumstances. You don't have to tell her what

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Speaker 1: she's doing right or what if she's doing something wrong,

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Speaker 1: but you can share how it felt for you to

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Speaker 1: be in a position like that. And again, I don't

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Speaker 1: know a lot of the details of this conversation how

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Speaker 1: it even came about, but one thing that I imagine

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Speaker 1: would probably come up for me and something that I

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Speaker 1: might share would be, Hey, it felt like you were

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Speaker 1: wanting me to keep a secret that goes against my

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Speaker 1: moral compass, and I didn't feel like I had a

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Speaker 1: choice in that matter, And it's becoming really distressing for

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Speaker 1: me because this is something that I am not able

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Speaker 1: to keep a secret from other people that are involved

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Speaker 1: that I love and care about. That's something that I

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Speaker 1: would probably say even if I, like you came back

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Speaker 1: around after this conversation UM was over and was able

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Speaker 1: to sit with it for a little bit. One thing

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Speaker 1: that I don't believe as a human being is that

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Speaker 1: all of our friends have to have the same exact

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Speaker 1: beliefs and morals and values as us. And the is

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Speaker 1: true that the people around us, the people that we

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Speaker 1: spend the most time with, they do rub off on us.

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Speaker 1: We do actually learn from the people around us. They

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Speaker 1: influence our behavior, they influence our thoughts, They even can

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Speaker 1: influence our language. So I want you to know that

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Speaker 1: so you can actually feel really empowered in making a

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Speaker 1: decision that is right for you, based on what is

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Speaker 1: right and good for you and best for you, and

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Speaker 1: not you trying to maintain what the world says is

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Speaker 1: right and wrong. Because while it's okay to have friends

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Speaker 1: with different belief systems and different values and all of that,

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Speaker 1: it's also okay to have limits and boundaries. That's totally

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Speaker 1: okay too. That doesn't mean you're unkind. That doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you're a mean person. That doesn't mean you're a bad person.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that you're a shamefully judgmental person. I

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Speaker 1: think it's really important to pay attention what it feels

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Speaker 1: like to be with certain people, because when it feels

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Speaker 1: like I have to sacrifice what is true for me

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Speaker 1: in the presence of another or friend, one, I'm getting

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Speaker 1: some codependency vibes in there. But two, when we pay

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Speaker 1: attention to that and we see, oh, I'm getting this

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Speaker 1: vibr right here, then we actually can turn that and

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Speaker 1: a tune to what we actually need. It helps us

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Speaker 1: actually get what we need versus give other people constantly

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Speaker 1: what they need. And again, I want to remind everybody

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Speaker 1: that there are not especially when it comes to this

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Speaker 1: kind of situation, there's not a black and white right

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Speaker 1: or wrong answer. There's not like one thing for you,

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Speaker 1: Hey go do this, Hey go say this, Hey go

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Speaker 1: tell that person that's hey. There's not that. There are

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Speaker 1: decisions that are best for us, and those are going

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Speaker 1: to be different based on who we are, which influences

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Speaker 1: what we want, what feels good, what feels harmful, and

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Speaker 1: what is going to actually lead me into being and

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Speaker 1: having the life that I actually want to have. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I hope that was helpful. As always, I threw

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Speaker 1: some questions at you to ask yourself. I threw some

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Speaker 1: examples of things that might come up, and again I

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Speaker 1: just want to remind you that there is no right

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Speaker 1: or wrong universal thing to do here. There's something that

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Speaker 1: is right for you in the moment that you're in,

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Speaker 1: in the space, then you're in with what you need

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Speaker 1: to kind of live and be the human you want

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Speaker 1: to be. So tough situation, really tough situation, jarring situation,

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Speaker 1: I'm sure, shocking situation. I assume you weren't expecting that

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Speaker 1: conversation to go the way it did, so good luck.

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Speaker 1: I'd be really interested to see how you handle this

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Speaker 1: and how that worked in in what you learned. If

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Speaker 1: you want to ever send us update, I would appreciate that,

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Speaker 1: and everybody else listening, feel free to send your emails

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Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. And I

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Speaker 1: hope you're having the date that you need to have,

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Speaker 1: the moment that you need to have, and I will

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Speaker 1: talk to you Guys again on Monday,