1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,840 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're talking 8 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 1: about a topic we haven't spoken much about in the past. 9 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: I actually don't think we've ever spoken about it at all, 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,200 Speaker 1: but when a listener suggested it, it just absolutely grabbed 11 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: my attention, not only as something that I have personally 12 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: struggled with in the past, but also as somewhat of 13 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: a quintessential twenty something experience and an experience a phenomenon 14 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 1: that has a lot of psychological underpinnings, and that topic 15 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:11,399 Speaker 1: is chronic oversharing. I think we've all been there. Let 16 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: me tell you, we have all, at some point in 17 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:17,040 Speaker 1: our lives said too much, said something we know we 18 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: shouldn't have, and felt incredibly awkward in the days and 19 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 1: the weeks that have followed. But why exactly do we 20 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:29,959 Speaker 1: as humans sometimes feel this intense impulse to tell people 21 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: things they probably a don't want to hear and b 22 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 1: we perhaps don't even want to tell them. So today 23 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,399 Speaker 1: we're going to break it all down, all of the 24 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 1: psychology behind this tendency. What exactly is oversharing? How is 25 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: it different to authenticity, Why do we feel that embarrassment 26 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: or that vulnerability hangover in the days that follow, and 27 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: also just why do we do it? Where does this 28 00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,640 Speaker 1: come from? I also think most important of all is 29 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: how do we identify the line between vulnerability and oversharing 30 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: and prevent ourselves from crossing that line and maybe disclosing 31 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: more than we are comfortable with. There is so much 32 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:18,560 Speaker 1: to discuss. It is such a fascinating concept, but let's 33 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: firstly start with the basics. What exactly is oversharing? I 34 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: think we all have an intuitive idea of what it 35 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: means to overshare, to look back at a conversation, as 36 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: I said, and just realize that this person now probably 37 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 1: knows a lot more about us than we are comfortable with. Essentially, 38 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: to overshare is a tendency to disclose an inappropriate amount 39 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: of detail about our life to the wrong person or 40 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 1: at the wrong time. I've been there, you know, being 41 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: a bit too drunk at a party or a work 42 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 1: event and suddenly revealing some deep childhood secret or something 43 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: about your friend that you know you shouldn't have shared. 44 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: And that see comes from a lot of places. Sometimes 45 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: it's social anxiety, just feeling so nervous in certain situations 46 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 1: that you just try and find anything or any way 47 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 1: to connect with others, or your overshare because your anxiety 48 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: has lowered your filter or your impulse control. There's also 49 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 1: explanations to do with neurodivergence that we're going to touch 50 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,679 Speaker 1: on a little bit later. And also it might just 51 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: be because you feel inadequate or boring and you're looking 52 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 1: to your most embarrassing story, your most vulnerable moments to 53 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: kind of feel avoid in a social situation and make 54 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: you feel more interesting. It also is a way to 55 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 1: speed up relationships, to make people feel closer to you 56 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: on an advanced timeline, or just because we feel lonely 57 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: when we feel like our relationships don't have much depth 58 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: or we're feeling detached. We can use overshare rying often subconsciously, 59 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: as a means to create new bonds by escalating that 60 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 1: depth of emotional intimacy. I think reasons aside because we'll 61 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 1: talk about them more in depth in a second. Chronic 62 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 1: oversharing the repeated habit and behavior of sharing too much detail. 63 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: It can also cause us a lot of regret and embarrassment, 64 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: leading us to engage in some negative self talk, telling 65 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: ourselves that you know, we should just shut up, and 66 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 1: that we're cringe and that people think we're weird. And 67 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: I don't think that you deserve to feel that way 68 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 1: or to have that internal dialogue about yourself. I think 69 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: it's less about the impression you're making on other people. 70 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: I think that is a secondary consequence of oversharing, and 71 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: more about how it makes you feel about yourself. It's 72 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 1: an important thing to remember that most of us have 73 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: the best intentions when it comes to oversharing. As humans, 74 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:04,240 Speaker 1: we we often use stories and personal disclosure as a 75 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:07,360 Speaker 1: way to build connection and to communicate our authentic selves, 76 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,600 Speaker 1: to really show people who we are at our core. 77 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: And there's often this very thin, intangible line between oversharing 78 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: and being authentic. And I think the reason why that 79 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,239 Speaker 1: line is sometimes hard to see is because both acts 80 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: feel very similar in the moment, and we can kind 81 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,920 Speaker 1: of struggle to identify what is meant to be kept 82 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,280 Speaker 1: private and what can be shared not just with close 83 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: friends and family, but with acquaintances or coworkers or even strangers. 84 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: So authenticity often comes from a very core place of 85 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 1: honesty and realness. It's about not being afraid to share 86 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 1: who you are, regardless of the pressure you're under to 87 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: do otherwise, regardless of the pressure you're under to look 88 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 1: or act or behave a certain way. And part of 89 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: that authenticity is being open and honest about your feelings 90 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: and your experiences. Part of that is disclosure and sometimes 91 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:15,839 Speaker 1: making public what we often imagine to be private. We 92 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: see this online a lot. I would say that's like 93 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 1: the best example I can think of where we have 94 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: creators or influences the ones that we would call most 95 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 1: authentic and normally those who are most willing to share 96 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: personal details about themselves. And I think the reason why 97 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,880 Speaker 1: we call that authenticity is because truth and sharing and 98 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: vulnerability it builds relatability and it builds a sense of 99 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: closeness Essentially, we can look at the things they are saying, 100 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,840 Speaker 1: look at their stories, and we see ourselves in those moments. 101 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 1: We see what we are personally going through reflected back 102 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 1: at us. And that causes us to feel less alone. 103 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 1: So in that way, I think what some people may 104 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 1: typically see as over sharing is also incredibly healing, not 105 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 1: just for the person who is sharing this information, but 106 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: for the audience or those who are listening in. I 107 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 1: think our acceptance of this level of candor really represents 108 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: I think a pretty significant shift in our society that 109 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 1: we've seen in recent decades, especially in this generation, where 110 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 1: it has become more and more acceptable to discuss things 111 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 1: that previously were taboo and to make them known, and 112 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: to bring people into the details of your life, the 113 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 1: good and the bad. And when I think about this, 114 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: my mind immediately goes to topics like mental health, like sex, 115 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: like a lot of details to do with our personal lives. 116 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: These are no longer things to be shunned or shut away, 117 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 1: but often at times shared in the public domain, as 118 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 1: we do on social media, as we do to create 119 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: or consume authentic content. And so as we as a 120 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 1: society have become more liberal and more accepting of our 121 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: capacity to be vulnerable with each other, sometimes that means oversharing. 122 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes that means kind of breaching the level of what 123 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: people are comfortable with. And I think that's the main 124 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: point here. Somewhere along the line, we have at times 125 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 1: confused the idea of being honest with sharing our deepest, 126 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 1: darkest secrets with the world. And I saw this amazing 127 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:39,439 Speaker 1: quote that I think really demonstrates the difference between authenticity 128 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,719 Speaker 1: and oversharing or even at the extreme, trauma dumping, and 129 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 1: what it said was that using vulnerability is not the 130 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:54,440 Speaker 1: same thing as being vulnerable. We can sometimes expose personal 131 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: sides of us when it's not appropriate as a resource, 132 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,959 Speaker 1: as a tool, as almost an emotional armor, perhaps to 133 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: fast track a relationship. If you've listened to our episode 134 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:11,719 Speaker 1: on abandonment issues, you'll recognize this as a defensive mechanism 135 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 1: where we unorganically really create closeness through excessive vulnerability, maybe 136 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 1: too early on, perhaps because your trauma or your story 137 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: still kind of owns you in a way, and you 138 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 1: don't have an appropriate outlet for feeling overwhelmed or feeling 139 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 1: triggered by past events, so you feel the need to 140 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:36,080 Speaker 1: verbalize rather than process. Or in some cases, and I 141 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,719 Speaker 1: don't think this is that common, sometimes we overshare or 142 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 1: we use certain stories to gain sympathy unconsciously. A lot 143 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: of these reasons though are not intentional, they are themselves 144 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: a symptom of what we're going through or what we 145 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,839 Speaker 1: are finding difficult to manage, whether that is something from 146 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: your childhood or a recent fight you had with a friend, 147 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: or a relationship issue. When we can't find emotional closure 148 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 1: internally and by ourselves, we look outwards. We look to 149 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: others to give us that closure by sharing and gaining 150 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: a different perspective and looking for a certain type of 151 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 1: either validation or feedback. I think, in particular, treating social 152 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 1: media somewhat like a personal diary or approaching acquaintances as 153 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 1: if they are your therapist. That can have serious consequences 154 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:35,440 Speaker 1: not just for you, but also for the people that 155 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 1: you speak to or you share with, and other important 156 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 1: people in your life. Not only can it be bad 157 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 1: for things like personal online privacy if you're sharing every detail, 158 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 1: but we can kind of become addicted to the validation 159 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: that is provided by strangers and we're unable to regulate 160 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: our own emotional reactions without their input. Also, it can 161 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: put other people in a really strange position, you know, 162 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:06,200 Speaker 1: including the people that you love. If you're bitching to 163 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 1: some random person at a party about your boyfriend or 164 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: your girlfriend, and how annoyed you are at them and 165 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 1: dishing out all the intimate details of your relationship. That 166 00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: might seem appropriate and fine to you. You may be 167 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 1: happy to do that, but that might not sit well 168 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: with that other person you're in a relationship with who 169 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 1: would prefer to keep those things private. They might feel 170 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: betrayed or that they have somehow been misrepresented, questioning if 171 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 1: you know that's how you really feel about them, if 172 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: that's what you really think, when maybe you are just 173 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 1: oversharing as a way to vent as an emotional outlet 174 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: or in a moment of anger or stress. Furthermore, I 175 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 1: also think that this chronic oversharing can make us less approachable. 176 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: It makes people around you at times feel uncomfortable. Not 177 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,400 Speaker 1: everyone is going to be on the same wavelength as 178 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: you when it comes to honesty and vulnerability, so potentially 179 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,280 Speaker 1: it can lead to things like social exclusion, or it 180 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: can diminish the quality of your relationships when we go 181 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: as far too trauma dump as well, So this is 182 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 1: a term referring to the tendency to unload traumatic events 183 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 1: or experiences on others without warning or invitation. That also 184 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: has more serious consequences it can result in things like 185 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: vicarious trauma, especially if the person you're talking to feel 186 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 1: somewhat responsible for either solving your problem or feels uncertain 187 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: around you as to when they will be exposed to 188 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: information that could potentially personally trigger them. I think it's 189 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,079 Speaker 1: important to note, as always, we like to bring nuance 190 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: to these conversations. It's not black and white, and I 191 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,959 Speaker 1: do think that sharing can be incredibly healing. And this 192 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: is not to say that conversations on hard things like 193 00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:01,000 Speaker 1: mental health, like personal struggles, like painful experiences are totally 194 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: unacceptable at all times. In fact, I think it's the 195 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: complete opposite. Honesty can be such a profound, healing, good thing. However, 196 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,080 Speaker 1: it really depends on your audience and I guess the 197 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,600 Speaker 1: appropriateness of the context, not just the people you're speaking to, 198 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: but also what you're going to be able to get 199 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 1: out of the situation. Right, there's some particular situations where 200 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: I think we implicitly know that not only have we 201 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 1: potentially crossed in line, but also it probably didn't really 202 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: help us to overshare in that moment for whatever reason 203 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: that we did, you know, sharing with someone we don't 204 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 1: particularly know that well, especially if it is in a 205 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: professional context or they're in a position of authority and 206 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: that transparency has not been invited. That's a huge one. 207 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,719 Speaker 1: Sharing with someone who perhaps is too attached to the situation, 208 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 1: who has a vested interest, you know. I think it's 209 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 1: a good reminder do not talk shit or overshare with 210 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,320 Speaker 1: someone's best friend that is going to get back to them, 211 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 1: or with the partner of a person you're having problems with, 212 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: or someone too close to the situation. Some details are 213 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 1: best kept between two individuals. But also sharing in a 214 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:20,600 Speaker 1: context whereby the kind of information you are communicating to 215 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:24,320 Speaker 1: someone may make them feel really uncomfortable, and if they're 216 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: unable to leave, that's going to make them look at 217 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 1: you as someone who causes them discomfort. You know, telling 218 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: your co workers that you don't really know about your 219 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 1: childhood trauma could either bring you guys closer, or it 220 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: could result in a HR complaint and make people really uncomfortable. 221 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 1: It's a bit of a risk, I guess, and we 222 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 1: all know the feeling of looking back at a situation 223 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,520 Speaker 1: and realizing that we shared a bit too much, probably 224 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,080 Speaker 1: more than we realized we were in the moment, and 225 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 1: we feel really embarrassed. We cringe at our past selves 226 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: who you know, potentially couldn't control the impulse or just 227 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: needed to get something off their chest. So this feeling 228 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: that we are talking about it actually has a term. 229 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: It is known as the oversharing of vulnerability hangover, and 230 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: this was coined by one of our favorite people on 231 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: the podcast, Brene Brown. And what it's used to describe 232 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 1: is that anxiety, that shame and that regret we experience 233 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 1: after divulging something highly personal, as one New York Times 234 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: article put it, as humans, we have this competing need 235 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 1: to build social connection but also to maintain our own 236 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 1: private internal lives and spaces, and also to align our 237 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: behavior to what is perceived as quote unquote normal in 238 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:58,480 Speaker 1: broader society. So the reason we feel this vulnerability hangover 239 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 1: is because in hindsight, the next morning, we are better 240 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:07,160 Speaker 1: able to recognize that this behavior or active oversharing has 241 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 1: kind of crossed some invisible boundary of what is and 242 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: is not socially acceptable. We all have this very innate 243 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 1: sense of certain social norms that have been ingrained in 244 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: us since childhood. And these norms they are what tells 245 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: us I guess how to act. So One of them 246 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: is around understanding the line between what is public and 247 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,840 Speaker 1: what is private, and although that changes based on the 248 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 1: generation we're in, we have some intuitive sense of knowing 249 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: when we've crossed this because there is certain information that 250 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: we still feel an inherent drive to keep to ourselves 251 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 1: crossing that line it results in uncomfortable feelings, which is 252 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 1: essentially our brain policing our behavior. It's our brain saying 253 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 1: to us that probably wasn't right lead to social rejection 254 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 1: if we keep doing that, that maybe made the other 255 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 1: person uncomfortable, So let's fall back in line so that 256 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:12,440 Speaker 1: we don't risk social alienation. So, knowing this, knowing that 257 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:18,400 Speaker 1: we have this internal almost system for preventing this behavior, 258 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,199 Speaker 1: why do we still do it? Why are some of 259 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:25,639 Speaker 1: us what we would term chronic oversharers myself included at 260 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,879 Speaker 1: a time. So what I really want to discuss is 261 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:35,440 Speaker 1: some of the underlying psychological reasons about why we are 262 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: driven or compelled to overshare, as well as some strategies 263 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: to prevent yourself from feeling that intense vulnerability hangover or 264 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: that shame when you've realized you've probably divulged too much 265 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,360 Speaker 1: personal information. So all of that and more after this shortbreak. 266 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 1: So why do we overshare? Why do we have those 267 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 1: moments of almost watching ourselves say way too much and 268 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,879 Speaker 1: not being able to stop ourselves at the time, only 269 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:15,640 Speaker 1: to look back with regret and to cringe and our behavior. 270 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about four reasons in particular. Firstly, 271 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 1: oversharing as a way to externalize our problems or for 272 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:28,240 Speaker 1: emotional regulation. Secondly, the links with social anxiety and ADHD. 273 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:34,159 Speaker 1: Thirdly intensity addiction, and finally, oversharing is a way to 274 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: get attention, which isn't one of my favorite reasons. I 275 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,919 Speaker 1: don't think it's that applicable, but I still think it 276 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: deserves acknowledgment. So we've spoken about that first reason rather briefly. 277 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:52,880 Speaker 1: But sometimes we can spontaneously reveal too much information as 278 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,480 Speaker 1: a way to regulate uncomfortable feelings that have come up 279 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 1: in the moment. Emotional regulation is essentially the process by 280 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: which we alter the intensity of an emotional experience for ourselves, 281 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: and this explanation this theory, it suggests that oversharing is 282 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,120 Speaker 1: essentially a way to do that. It is a coping 283 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 1: mechanism in these moments when the the thoughts in our 284 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,879 Speaker 1: brain become way too loud to internalize or to suppress, 285 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 1: and so we have to find an outlet, which means 286 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: externalizing verbalizing to the person closest to us. When we 287 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: speak something out loud, I truly believe that the problem 288 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,399 Speaker 1: is halved and that it feels a lot less intense. 289 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we feel that like a we're either 290 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: taking away the power of this experience or this story 291 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 1: or being we kind of lessening the burden it has 292 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: on our minds by putting or placing the burden with 293 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,600 Speaker 1: someone else. So this may explain why we kind of 294 00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:00,080 Speaker 1: feel really refreshed and almost emotionally empty after having a 295 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:03,080 Speaker 1: really good vent to a friend. But in that moment, 296 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,959 Speaker 1: we are directing that information to someone who has proven 297 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: that they want to be in that position or that 298 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,639 Speaker 1: they deserve our trust. When we use a stranger, someone 299 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 1: we don't know that well to emotionally regulate, although that 300 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: may still help us process our emotions, it's probably going 301 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: to be more short term and it might leave you 302 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 1: feeling a little bit strange after the fact. So the 303 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,159 Speaker 1: second reason we can find ourselves in this pattern of 304 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: chronic oversharing comes down to anxiety and also neurodivergence as well. 305 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,880 Speaker 1: So let's discuss anxiety first. If you are someone who 306 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,919 Speaker 1: talks impulsively when you are nervous, who keeps jumping to 307 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,959 Speaker 1: different trains of thought, or you find yourself telling story 308 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 1: after story that may be a little bit too revealing, 309 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,919 Speaker 1: social anxiety may be an explanation. And they did a 310 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: bunch of studies on this, and in one series of studies, 311 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:06,920 Speaker 1: researchers found that anxiety, particularly in social situations, can lead 312 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:12,360 Speaker 1: to a phenomenon known as self control depletion, whereby the 313 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,440 Speaker 1: more anxious we become, the more out of place we feel, 314 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:21,120 Speaker 1: the less control we have over our impulsive decisions, because 315 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 1: all of our brain is kind of taken up with 316 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:27,600 Speaker 1: trying to monitor the social situation we're in or to 317 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: try and fit in with those around us. One psychologist, 318 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,200 Speaker 1: and I'm really sorry I cannot remember their name, but 319 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: they put it this way. When we are in a 320 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,679 Speaker 1: situation that is stressful or out of our comfort zone, 321 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 1: like meeting you people, for a lot of us, we 322 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: use up a lot of mental energy trying to manage 323 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 1: that other person's impression of us. We want them to 324 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: think that we are interesting, that we are cool, that 325 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,480 Speaker 1: we are fun, and we find that silence is something 326 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,400 Speaker 1: that is really uncomfortable in those moments, so we kind 327 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 1: of think of whatever we can say to manage that 328 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,199 Speaker 1: sense of awkwardness, and normally the thing that comes to 329 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 1: mind is the thing that is least appropriate. So clinically 330 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 1: anxious individuals such as myself kind of shout out my 331 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:20,800 Speaker 1: anxiety here. But we're also quite sensitive to rejection and 332 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,840 Speaker 1: sensitive to criticism. So if you're having a conversation with 333 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,960 Speaker 1: someone and you kind of feel like they're losing interest 334 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,920 Speaker 1: or they're pulling away, you might try and rekindle that 335 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,120 Speaker 1: conversation or regain their attention by dropping intimate details about 336 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 1: your life. You're basically trying to say, hey, like, I'm 337 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 1: worth listening to, I have things that are interesting to 338 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 1: tell you, and you're trying to re establish that connection 339 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,280 Speaker 1: in the only way that your mind is thinking of 340 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,640 Speaker 1: at the time. The other important component that I think 341 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 1: really falls into this kind of interaction between social anxiety 342 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,119 Speaker 1: and oversharing is alcohol. Right, If our main trigger is 343 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 1: social situations, particularly big, large social situations, those are also 344 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 1: the times when alcohol is normally around, and it's a 345 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 1: massive contributor to. I would say most instances of oversharing 346 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:20,320 Speaker 1: in my life because my inhibitions were lowered. I have 347 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,360 Speaker 1: less of a good read of the social situation I'm 348 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,960 Speaker 1: in because I'm not sober, so it makes us say 349 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,440 Speaker 1: things that we otherwise wouldn't. It's also really common amongst 350 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: adults with ADHD, and it's not as if these individuals 351 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 1: are doing it on purpose or they even realize what 352 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 1: they've done. The reason why it happens is because this 353 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:48,919 Speaker 1: condition makes it harder to control our impulses and it 354 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 1: lessens what we call in psychology our executive function skills, 355 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,640 Speaker 1: the part of the brain that is going to say, 356 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,359 Speaker 1: all right, this is not an appropriate time. It makes 357 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,600 Speaker 1: the decision for you. So when you have ADHD, that 358 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,959 Speaker 1: part of your brain is not as functional as are 359 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: the average individual, I would say, and so you struggle 360 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 1: to have that kind of almost safety net of control. 361 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,679 Speaker 1: There's a really fascinating guide on this website called Understood, 362 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 1: which is focusing on people with neurodivergence and how they 363 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,159 Speaker 1: learn and how they see the world differently. If this 364 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: particular situation, this reason applies to you, definitely check that out. 365 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: On another level, away from anxiety, and neurodivergence. I think 366 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,600 Speaker 1: oversharing also links back to that previous point we made 367 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,960 Speaker 1: about our desire to kind of fast track or heighten 368 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:51,440 Speaker 1: our intimate or social connections by artificially really creating closeness 369 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 1: through disclosure. What do you do with your close friends, 370 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: You share personal details about your life. What do you 371 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,159 Speaker 1: do with your family or with your loved ones. You 372 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,240 Speaker 1: have that level of truth and that level of vulnerability. 373 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: So the logic kind of follows, the kind of broken 374 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,119 Speaker 1: logic follows. If you want someone to be your best friend, 375 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 1: share your personal intimate details, and that is a way 376 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,679 Speaker 1: to get to that point with them quicker. And this 377 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,439 Speaker 1: kind of boils down at times to this idea of 378 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:26,119 Speaker 1: intensity addiction. There are certain people who like their relationships 379 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: to have this kind of incredible fast intensity. They want 380 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,640 Speaker 1: big emotions, they want big reaction, high levels of vulnerability 381 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: and intimacy and closeness, and these people fall in love, 382 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: become attached really fast, often by oversharing really quickly, wanting 383 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: to learn everything about someone, even the really dark things, 384 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:55,480 Speaker 1: before they realize that intensity in those moments, it may 385 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: not be the same thing as actual intimacy, and I 386 00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: don't think it's a surprise that this is often linked 387 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,400 Speaker 1: to people who have a fear of abandonment or an 388 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, or sometimes even emotional unavailability, where they're 389 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 1: trying to self correct and go the opposite way, but 390 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 1: they don't really know what the balance or the middle 391 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 1: point is. And finally, our final reason, there is this 392 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 1: idea that oversharing is a way to gain attention or sympathy. Now, 393 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,720 Speaker 1: I don't think we realize this in our subconscious minds 394 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 1: in the moment. I really don't think that most people 395 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: who are chronic oversharers are going about it intentionally to 396 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,760 Speaker 1: get attention from other people as a manipulation tactic, not 397 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,960 Speaker 1: at all. I think it's more layered than that. It's 398 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 1: more of a learned association or a habit that has 399 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:54,360 Speaker 1: been formed or developed over time. Maybe what you found 400 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,640 Speaker 1: is that if you are willing to talk really intensely 401 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: about your sex life, or if you're willing to tell 402 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:07,200 Speaker 1: everyone very intimate details about your life, your fights, your disagreements, 403 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,959 Speaker 1: your past, people pay more attention to you. Because that 404 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 1: is very novel. That excessive honesty is very rare, it's interesting, 405 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 1: it's fascinating, and humans very noisy. It's why we like tabloids, 406 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,440 Speaker 1: It's why we like gossip. We want to know more 407 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,959 Speaker 1: about the people we are interested in, but only on 408 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: the surface level. So it might get someone's attention, but 409 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:35,159 Speaker 1: it may not necessarily lead to a long term emotional bond. 410 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,399 Speaker 1: I also just don't think that everything needs to be 411 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,240 Speaker 1: shared in order to be validated or to feel important. 412 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 1: Although it's definitely a trap that a lot of us 413 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:47,560 Speaker 1: fall into with our use of social media. It's something 414 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: I've learned quite a lot recently from the person that 415 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,920 Speaker 1: I'm dating. You know. He's not a big social media person, 416 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,240 Speaker 1: and it's really fascinating to me to see the differences 417 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 1: that we have in terms of what he thinks needs 418 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,280 Speaker 1: to be shared online versus what I share online. And 419 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,800 Speaker 1: I think sometimes I've gotten into the habit of maybe oversharing, 420 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,480 Speaker 1: particularly on the podcast. You know, I'm thinking specifically right 421 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: now about my ex boyfriend interview, because that was incredibly personal. 422 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,960 Speaker 1: But we want people's attention, we want people to think 423 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 1: we're interesting, so we commodify very personal experiences for their benefit, 424 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,120 Speaker 1: and that can definitely come back to bite us, as 425 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 1: I have learned, not just in that vulnerability hangover, but 426 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 1: also in very tangible consequences for our relationships, for our reputation, 427 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: for how people think of us. And I know that 428 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,880 Speaker 1: that shouldn't matter as much as it does, but I 429 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: think that it really does deep down impact the way 430 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:53,240 Speaker 1: we see ourselves and how we behave So how do 431 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,200 Speaker 1: we know when and with who is it appropriate to 432 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: share these things with? Because I'm not advocating for suppressing 433 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 1: our feelings or hiding our experiences, I think that actually 434 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 1: probably does more emotional damage than the occasional overshare. But 435 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 1: like we said before, the two key factors here are 436 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: context and relationship. If you find the need to externalize 437 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:24,480 Speaker 1: certain events to properly process them, that is totally okay. 438 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 1: That is a totally fine way to emotionally regulate, but 439 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,040 Speaker 1: you should be doing so with someone you can trust 440 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: and who you know will provide you with the response 441 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 1: that will most benefit you. You know, don't beat yourself 442 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: up for the occasional overshare or slip up. We have 443 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,240 Speaker 1: all been there. I think it's part of the human experience. 444 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,920 Speaker 1: It's part of the learning curve, and trust me, that 445 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 1: embarrassment will fade. But if you become a chronic oversharer 446 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: and you're finding that the behavior is somewhat uncontrollable. Here 447 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:01,920 Speaker 1: are some tips for regulating this habit. Firstly, when you 448 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: find the need to overshare, or you've found you're maybe 449 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: saying things you don't want to, pause and redirect yourself, 450 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 1: either by taking a step back from the conversation, going 451 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: to the bathroom or for a walk, calling a friend instead, 452 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: and just turn the conversation back onto the other person 453 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:26,080 Speaker 1: by asking them a question. Redirect what you're talking about. 454 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 1: Here is a very well known secret that I'm going 455 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: to share with you today. People love talking about themselves, 456 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,959 Speaker 1: and giving people space to talk about themselves will actually 457 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: probably lead to greater emotional closeness than oversharing or needing 458 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: to fill that silence with unnecessary details. Being an active 459 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:51,600 Speaker 1: listener as well, it also gives off so much confidence 460 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:56,360 Speaker 1: and it makes people feel more comfortable around you. You know, 461 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 1: watch their eyes as they talk, be conscious not to 462 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,960 Speaker 1: in to rapt ask follow up questions, think about things 463 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,040 Speaker 1: they've said that have interest you as a way to 464 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 1: prevent yourself from being perhaps put in a place where 465 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 1: you feel the need to share something really embarrassing. Secondly, 466 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 1: I would say figure out what triggers you to overshare. 467 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 1: Often the reason we share details or stories about certain 468 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:26,240 Speaker 1: events is because we haven't completely integrated them, and so 469 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 1: we still feel the need to externalize them to other people. 470 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:35,040 Speaker 1: In other instances as well, our main trigger is social 471 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:39,640 Speaker 1: anxiety or feeling really awkward or uncomfortable. So the next 472 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,720 Speaker 1: time you're in a situation like that where you know 473 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,520 Speaker 1: you have a tendency to overshare, think about other things. 474 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:51,120 Speaker 1: You could stay instead and think about these things in advance. 475 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,600 Speaker 1: Lean back on your sense of self assurance and confidence 476 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:58,040 Speaker 1: in that moment. You don't need these other people to 477 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 1: like you if you like yourself. And I think that 478 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,719 Speaker 1: that feeling of oversharing and realizing what you've done is 479 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 1: going to be a lot more uncomfortable than the short 480 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 1: term discomfort of a few awkward silences or thinking that 481 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,880 Speaker 1: maybe you made the wrong impression. Something I like to 482 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 1: think about is that these people don't matter until they 483 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 1: show you that they do. They are just strangers living 484 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:25,400 Speaker 1: their own lives. Thirdly, journal instead of ranting or venting, 485 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: rechannel the urge into something that is productive. Someone said 486 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,400 Speaker 1: this incredible strategy to me the other day before going 487 00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: into a certain situation where you might feel inclined to overshare, 488 00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:41,120 Speaker 1: just spend five minutes ten minutes before you leave or 489 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:45,040 Speaker 1: on the train writing down everything that might be bothering 490 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 1: you that you don't particularly want to share with others, 491 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: or call a friend and talk about those things beforehand. 492 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,520 Speaker 1: What that does is it gives our mind a place 493 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:59,240 Speaker 1: to actually productively deal with it, rather than feeling like 494 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,560 Speaker 1: it's this tub awful thing that as soon as we 495 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,080 Speaker 1: have one drink we need to bring up to anyone 496 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:09,480 Speaker 1: and everyone who will listen. Fourth, in a situation where 497 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: you really don't want to overshare, like work functions or 498 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:21,440 Speaker 1: professional environments, avoid drinking alcohol or watch how much you're consuming. Obviously, 499 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 1: most of us are not getting plasted at work during 500 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: the day, I would hope not, But after work drinks 501 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: or work parties are a big source of next morning anxiety, 502 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 1: especially after a lot of oversharing. Alcohol makes you less 503 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 1: self aware, it lowers your impulses, it lowers your inhibitions, 504 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,880 Speaker 1: and it's going to lead to some awkward stories every 505 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: now and again. So I would say watch your drinks, 506 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: watch what you're consuming. Finally, if you have found that 507 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: you have overshared and you're experiencing a bit of a vulnerability, hangover, 508 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,800 Speaker 1: a little bit of shame. I would really advise you 509 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 1: to not gravel, don't try and bring it up with 510 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:04,719 Speaker 1: the person, don't excessively apologize or bring attention to it. 511 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,720 Speaker 1: I think we have this tendency to feel the need 512 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:13,279 Speaker 1: to do something immediately about the things that make us uncomfortable, 513 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 1: and so you may wake up in the morning and 514 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,920 Speaker 1: want to message that person from the party and say 515 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,000 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for oversharing, and you know, I'm so sorry, 516 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,319 Speaker 1: on on and on and on. I just think that 517 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 1: brings the attention back onto the thing that you were 518 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 1: talking about. It makes them realize that for you it 519 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:34,080 Speaker 1: was a big deal, and so for them it becomes 520 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,080 Speaker 1: a big deal as well. You can own your behavior 521 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:42,920 Speaker 1: without needing other people to validate your experience of shame. 522 00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,960 Speaker 1: Just try and process that on your own or share 523 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,880 Speaker 1: with someone who is a close friend. Realize that everything 524 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:54,319 Speaker 1: is temporary and they are less likely to remember it 525 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,120 Speaker 1: if you don't give them a reminder or a reason to. 526 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:01,080 Speaker 1: All right, I think that is all that I had 527 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:04,359 Speaker 1: for today. I'm looking at my notes and I think 528 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:08,840 Speaker 1: that's it. But honestly, I feel like we've covered so much. Honestly, 529 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:12,160 Speaker 1: I learn a lot. I learned so much exploring this 530 00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:14,960 Speaker 1: topic that I'm definitely going to take on board in 531 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,600 Speaker 1: my own life. Although since quitting my nine to five, 532 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: I've definitely had fewer instances of oversharing now that I 533 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,839 Speaker 1: don't get drunk with my work colleagues every Friday. So 534 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,439 Speaker 1: I'm sending strength to all of you out there who 535 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:33,000 Speaker 1: understand that experience, who have overshared at the work party, 536 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:36,359 Speaker 1: overshared at Friday night drinks. I have done that too 537 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,600 Speaker 1: many times to count, but now I'm getting better at it. 538 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:42,080 Speaker 1: I'm learning more to control the impulse. I am seeing 539 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 1: the reason behind it, and that reason being that I'm 540 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:50,200 Speaker 1: socially anxious. And when I'm socially anxious, I just go 541 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,840 Speaker 1: off on a tangent and would tell you literally anything 542 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:55,560 Speaker 1: you wanted to know if it meant not having an 543 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,720 Speaker 1: awkward silence. So that is something I am learning, something 544 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,640 Speaker 1: I'm realizing, and I'm trying to do better at that. 545 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:05,200 Speaker 1: So I really hope that you appreciated and enjoyed this episode. 546 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:08,480 Speaker 1: As always, if there is someone who needs to hear 547 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:11,439 Speaker 1: this who you think might enjoy it, Please feel free 548 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 1: to send them a link and leave a five star 549 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:18,359 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. 550 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,880 Speaker 1: We have an Instagram. If you have an episode suggestion, 551 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:25,440 Speaker 1: or some thoughts, some theories, a question at that psychology podcast, 552 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 1: you can follow us over there, or my handle is 553 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,359 Speaker 1: at Gemma spec And as always, thank you so much 554 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,360 Speaker 1: for tuning in. We will be back next week with 555 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,360 Speaker 1: another episode.