WEBVTT - 10 Harsh Truths I Wish I Knew in My 20s 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.520 I'm going to tell you something right now that's going 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:04.160 to stay with you for the rest of the day. 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:08.320 Every single thing you're currently stressed about, the career you're 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:11.040 trying to build, the relationship you're trying to figure out, 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:13.800 the body you're trying to fix, the money you're trying 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.120 to make, the person you're trying to become, every single 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:20.320 one of those things is being shaped right now by 0:00:20.360 --> 0:00:24.720 a set of invisible beliefs you've never examined, Beliefs you 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:29.080 didn't choose, Beliefs you absorbed from your parents, your culture, 0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:33.400 your school, your feed, Beliefs that feel like truth because 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:36.720 you've never held them. Marp to the light and asked, wait, 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.960 who told me this? And were they right? I know 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:43.640 people who spend the entirety of their twenties operating on 0:00:43.720 --> 0:00:48.279 beliefs that weren't theirs, They were inherited software, and that 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:53.960 inherited software cost them years, not months. Years years of 0:00:54.080 --> 0:00:58.000 chasing things they didn't actually want, years of avoiding things 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:01.920 they desperately needed, the years of measuring their life against 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:06.080 a scorecard that they didn't build, playing a game they 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:10.600 never agreed to enter, and wondering why winning didn't feel 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:13.360 like winning. Today, I'm going to give you ten truths 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.080 that I and others have had to learn the hard way. 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:19.240 Some of them through failure, some of them through pain, 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:22.800 some through sitting in rooms with people who were decades 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:26.520 ahead of you and hearing them say one sentence that 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:30.720 rearranged how I saw everything. These are not the obvious things. 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:33.240 I'm not going to tell you to work hard, or 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:37.319 believe in yourself, or start investing early. You've heard that, 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:40.960 everyone's heard that, and if hearing it was enough, you'd 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:44.199 already be doing it. These are the things no one says, 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:47.440 the things that sound wrong the first time you hear them, 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:50.560 and then keep you up at night because you realize 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:53.760 they might be the truest things. Anyone's ever told you. 0:01:54.280 --> 0:01:57.720 Ten truths thirty minutes, and I'll tell you right now, 0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:00.120 number seven is the one that would have said, give 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:02.680 me the most pain, and it's the one you're going 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:06.760 to resist the hardest. Stay for it. Let's go truth 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:11.120 number one. The things you're most proud of avoiding are 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:15.280 probably the things you most need to do. Here's what 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:20.000 nobody tells you about your twenties. You will become extraordinarily 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:24.040 skilled at avoiding the things that scare you, and you 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:28.320 will disguise that avoidance as something noble. You won't call 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:31.640 it avoidance. You'll call it waiting for the right time. 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:36.720 You call it doing more research. You'll call it being strategic. 0:02:37.080 --> 0:02:41.040 You'll call it not rushing into things. You'll build an elaborate, 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:45.400 intelligent sounding vocabulary around the simple act of not doing 0:02:45.480 --> 0:02:48.920 the thing that frightens you. And because you're smart and 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:53.079 you are otherwise you wouldn't be watching this, your rationalizations 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:58.560 will be convincing, convincing enough to fool everyone, including yourself. 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:01.960 I did this for you. I told myself I was 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:07.640 being thoughtful, careful, measured, sensible. What I was actually being 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:13.359 was terrified, and the terror was wearing a very sophisticated outfit. 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:16.919 Here's the science that cracked this open for me. Dr 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:20.360 Timothy Wilson at the University of Virginia ran a study 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:23.960 where participants were left alone in a room with nothing 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:27.160 but their thoughts and a button that would deliver a 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:30.560 mild electric shock. They'd already tried the shock and said 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:33.400 they hated it, said they'd pay money to avoid it, 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:36.720 and yet, when left alone with nothing but their own mind, 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:40.800 sixty seven percent of men and twenty five percent of 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:45.000 women chose to shock themselves rather than sit alone with 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:50.000 their thoughts. Think about that again. People preferred physical pain 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:53.760 to being alone with what was in their head. That's 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:57.840 not a fun experiment. That's a diagnosis of the human condition. 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:02.440 We will do almost any anything, including her ourselves, to 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:07.200 avoid confronting what's actually going on inside us. And in 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:12.640 your twenties, the version of the electric shock is busyness, scrolling, 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:18.000 planning without executing, consuming content about doing the thing. Instead 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:21.240 of doing the thing, you're pressing the button over and 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:25.080 over and calling it preparation. The bugwet Gita has a 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.240 line that hit me like a truck when I first 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:30.520 read it. It is better to live your own destiny 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:35.440 imperfectly than to live in imitation of somebody else's life 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:39.920 with perfection. That's not a motivational quote, that's a warning. 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:44.360 The thing you're avoiding is almost always the thing that's 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:48.240 actually yours, the thing that's aligned with who you really are, 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:52.520 and you're avoiding it precisely because it's yours, because doing 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.599 it would mean stepping out from behind the mask of 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:59.000 the person you've been pretending to be and standing in 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:03.360 the open as the person you actually are. That's terrifying. 0:05:04.040 --> 0:05:07.680 Do it anyway. Your twenties will end. The right time 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:10.800 will never come. And the only thing worse than failing 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:14.080 at the thing you need to do is succeeding at 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:17.400 the thing you don't want to do. Truth too, you 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:20.320 don't actually know what you want. You know what you 0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:22.960 were told to want. This one is going to sting, 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:25.680 but you need to hear it. Most of what you're 0:05:25.760 --> 0:05:30.600 chasing right now, the job title, the relationship milestone, the body, 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:35.000 the lifestyle. You didn't choose, You absorbed it. It was 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:39.960 handed to you by a combination of parental expectations, cultural programming, 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:44.359 social media reinforcement, and peer comparison. And because it was 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:49.040 installed so early and reinforced so often, it doesn't feel installed. 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:53.279 It feels like desire, feels like ambitions. It feels like 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:57.320 what I've always wanted. But here's a question that will 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:01.400 break the illusion. If no one would know, if there 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:04.520 were no Instagram, no family dinners, no friends to impress, 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:09.000 no metric to hit, would you still want this? If 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:12.800 you could never tell anyone about your achievement, would you 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:16.400 still pursue it? If the answer is no, you don't 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:19.640 want the thing you want, the reaction you want, the 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:23.120 status you want the proof and proof is not purpose, 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:28.080 proof is performance. Doctor Kennon Sheldon at the University of 0:06:28.120 --> 0:06:32.960 Missouri has studied what he calls self concordance, the degree 0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:35.839 to which your goals aligned with your authentic interests and 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:42.600 values versus external pressures and internalized expectations. His research, spanning 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:47.440 decades consistently shows that people who pursue self concordant goals 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:52.520 goals they choose from genuine internal motivation, are significantly more 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:56.200 likely to achieve them, and critically, when they do achieve them, 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:59.800 they actually feel fulfilled. It's not about not having goals, 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:03.880 not being ambitious, it's about it being aligned. People who 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:09.200 pursue non concordant goals, goals absorbed from outside, achieve them 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:12.720 at lower rates, and even when they do succeed, the 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:18.080 success feels hollow empty. You think, is this ear? That's 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:22.040 the sound of a non concordant goal arriving at its destination. 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:28.280 The Taoist tradition calls this living in tay your authentic nature, 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:32.840 your intrinsic power. The Tau tay Ching says, when you 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:37.800 are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete. 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:42.880 Everyone will respect you. This isn't passivity. It's the most 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:46.480 radical act of your twenties to stop long enough to 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:50.080 separate what you actually want from what you were programmed 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:52.800 to want, and to have the courage to pursue the 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:56.440 first one, even if the second one looks better on paper. 0:07:56.960 --> 0:08:00.800 Do the audit seriously. Take every major all you're currently 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:04.000 pursuing an ask if no one would ever know I 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:07.560 achieved this, would I still want it? The ones where 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:10.400 the answer is yes are your real goals. The ones 0:08:10.400 --> 0:08:13.680 where the answer is no are someone else's goals wearing 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:18.080 your face? Let them go they were never yours. Truth 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:22.120 Number three, the person you're pretending to be is costing 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:26.440 you everything the person you actually are could have. This 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.440 is the one that will save your relationships, your career, 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:32.040 and your mental health if you lead it. At some 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:36.640 point in our life, we're all performing in conversations, in meetings, 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:40.160 on dates, in friendships online, in the mirror, you have 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:43.960 constructed a version of yourself, let's call it the approved version, 0:08:44.360 --> 0:08:46.880 and you present that version to the world. Because at 0:08:46.880 --> 0:08:50.320 some point, probably very early in our lives, we learned 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:54.000 that the real version wasn't safe to show. Maybe the 0:08:54.040 --> 0:08:57.080 real version of you was too emotional for your parents, 0:08:57.480 --> 0:08:59.880 and you learned to mask it. Maybe the real word 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:04.080 of you had opinions that friends shut down, so you 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:07.440 learn to agree. Maybe the real version of you wanted 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:11.679 things that people didn't think were realistic, so you learned 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:16.120 to want smaller. Maybe the real version was rejected, really 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:19.440 rejected in the way only a child can be, and 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:23.680 you built the approved version as armor. The armor worked. 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:26.800 It kept you safe, It got you accepted, It got 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:29.560 you through school and into jobs and past first dates. 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.760 But here's what nobody told you about the armor. It 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:37.440 doesn't just keep the bad things out, keeps everything out, 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:42.200 including the connection, the recognition, the love, and the opportunities 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:45.560 that can only reach you if people are interacting with 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:49.520 the real you instead of the performance. Doctor Brene Brown 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:54.240 spent over two decades researching vulnerability and connection, and her 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:58.800 data leads to one conclusion that most people intellectually accept 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:05.360 and behaviorally ignore. Genuine connection is impossible without vulnerability. The 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:09.439 approved version of you cannot form deep connections because deep 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:15.640 connection requires being seen, not being seen performing being seen. 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.600 Here's the paradox that can ruin your twenties. The thing 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:23.240 you think will get you rejected, your real self, your 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:27.560 real thoughts, your real desires, your real weirdness is actually 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:30.480 the thing that creates belonging, and the thing you think 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:33.760 keeps you safe. The performance, the mask, the approved version, 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.880 is the thing that guarantees loneliness, because even when people 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:42.440 accept the approved version, it never satisfies you because you 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:46.520 know somewhere deep down that they didn't accept you. They 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:50.360 accepted the mask, and being loved for a mask you're 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:54.240 wearing is the loneliest kind of love there is. In 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:58.400 the Zen tradition, there's a concept called Shoshin beginner's mind, 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:02.480 it means approaching life without pretense, without the need to 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:04.800 appear as an expert, without the armor of having it 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:08.200 all figured out. The master said, in the beginner's mind, 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:12.240 there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind, there 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:15.800 are a few. Your approved version is the expert. He 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:18.320 knows exactly how to behave, what to say, how to 0:11:18.360 --> 0:11:22.200 be acceptable. And in that expertise, it has eliminated the 0:11:22.240 --> 0:11:27.720 possibility of being surprised, of being discovered, of being genuinely known. 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:32.240 Take off the armor, not all at once, not with everyone, 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:36.480 but start. Start with one person you trust, show them 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:40.400 one thing about you that isn't approved, and watch what happens. 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.720 What usually happens is the opposite of what you feared. 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.440 They excel, they lean in, and they say me too. 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:51.360 Because everyone's wearing armor, and the person who takes theirs 0:11:51.360 --> 0:11:56.760 off first gives everyone else permission to breathe. Truthful discipline 0:11:56.960 --> 0:11:59.480 is not what you think it is. It's the art 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.520 of discs appointing the wrong things. Every piece of advice 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:06.760 about discipline makes the same mistake. It frames. Discipline is 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:09.800 the ability to force yourself to do hard things, to 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:13.920 override your desires, to push through resistance with willpower, as 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:16.920 if discipline is a battle between the good you and 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.040 the lazy youth, and success goes to whoever grits their 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:23.280 teeth the hardest. That model doesn't work, and it's the 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:27.440 reason most people's relationship with discipline is an exhaustion cycle 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:32.880 of motivation, effort, collapse, guilt, and restart. Here's a reframe 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:36.080 that changed everything for me. I didn't hear it from 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:39.160 a productivity expert. I actually heard it from a monk. 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:44.320 Discipline is not the ability to say yes to hard things. 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:49.440 Discipline is the ability to say no to easy things, 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:53.800 and more specifically, discipline is the art of disappointing the 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:57.360 things that don't matter so that you can show up 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:01.000 fully for the things that do. Every day you have 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:04.760 a finite amount of energy, attention, and willpower. This is 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:08.640 not a metaphor. Every decision you make, every temptation you resist, 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:12.640 every distraction you fight, draws from the same tank. The 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:16.520 person who spends their morning resisting the snooze button, deciding 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:20.600 what to wear, answering non urgent emails, scrolling through notifications, 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:24.679 and navigating a chaotic environment arrives in their most important 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:28.400 work with an empty tank. They didn't lack discipline, they 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.600 spent it all on things that don't matter. The stoic 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:36.240 philosopher Seneca wrote something two thousand years ago that reads 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:39.720 like it was targeted at our lives right now. It 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.000 is not that we have a short time to live, 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:46.000 but that we waste a great deal of it. Life 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:49.679 is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:53.040 given to us for the highest achievements if it were 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.880 all well invested. But when it was wasted in heedless 0:13:56.960 --> 0:14:00.600 luxury and spent on no good activity, with forced at 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:05.200 last by debt's final constraint to realize that it has 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:09.600 passed away before we knew it was passing. You don't 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:13.480 have a discipline problem. You have an allocation problem. You're 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:17.200 investing your best resources, your mourning energy, your deepest focus, 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:20.880 your most creative hours into things that give you zero return, 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:23.280 and then you're trying to do the things that actually 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:26.320 matter with what's left over. And whatever's left over is 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:30.560 never enough. Here's the practical shift. Identify the three things 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:33.920 that drain you the most while producing the least to 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:39.000 scrolling the email checking the people, pleasing commitments, the performative business. 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:43.840 Now disappoint them, say no, withdraw your energy. Let them 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:47.920 be undone, unanswered, unattended, not forever, just long enough to 0:14:48.040 --> 0:14:51.920 redirect that energy into the one thing that actually moves 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:55.560 your life forward. You're not being selfish, You're being solvent. 0:14:56.120 --> 0:14:59.600 You're refusing to go bankrupt funding things that give you 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:24.520 no over time Proof number five. The people you spend 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:29.080 time with are not influencing you. They're programming you. You've 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:31.400 heard the Jim Rone quote. You're the average of the 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:34.600 five people you spend the most time with. Everyone nods, 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:37.720 Nobody acts on it, because acting on it requires something brutal, 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:41.040 looking at your actual five people and honestly evaluating what 0:15:41.120 --> 0:15:45.160 they're programming into you. I say programming deliberately because it's 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:49.680 not influence. Influence implies a conscious process, someone persuading you 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:52.640 to think or act a certain way. What actually happens 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:56.880 is far more invisible and far more powerful. Dr James Fowler, 0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:00.480 in his landmark research published in the New English Journal 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:06.280 of Medicine and expanded in his book Connected, demonstrated that behaviors, emotions, 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:11.040 and even health outcomes spread through social networks like contagions. 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:14.840 If a close friend becomes obese, your own likelihood of 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:19.280 becoming obese increases by forty five percent, not because they 0:16:19.320 --> 0:16:22.840 convince you to eat more, but because their behavior unconsciously 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:26.720 recalibrated your sense of what's normal. If a friend of 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:29.440 a friend, someone you may not even know, gets divorced, 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:34.720 your own likelihood of divorce increases. These effects ripple across 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:38.800 three degrees of separation. Your environment is not a backdrop. 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:42.080 It's an operating system, and the people in it are 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:46.400 not passive characters. Their active inputs that are reshaping your 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:51.120 neural pathways. Your default behaviors, your ambition, and your sense 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:55.160 of what's possible, every single day without you being aware 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:59.440 of it. The ancient texts understood this with striking precision. 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:04.360 The Dharmapod, one of the oldest Buddhist techs, says, an 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.960 ignorant person is like a log of wood. If they 0:17:08.000 --> 0:17:11.520 associate with the wise, they become a flame. If they 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:15.800 associate with the foolish, they remain a log. That's not poetry, 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:20.880 it's neuroscience, expressed a metaphor. Mirror neurons first discovered by 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:24.399 doctor Rizzolatti and his team at the University of Palmer 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.959 fire both when you perform an action and when you 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:32.560 observe someone else performing it. Your brain literally rehearses the 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.959 behaviors it witnesses in others. You don't have to agree 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:39.520 with what the people around you are doing. You don't 0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:42.720 have to admire it. Your brain will pattern match to 0:17:42.800 --> 0:17:46.640 it anyway. Here's the harsh truth. If your five closest 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:50.280 people are comfortable, you will become comfortable. If they complain, 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:53.200 you will complain. If they've stopped growing, you will stop growing, 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:56.679 not because you're weak, but because you're human, and human 0:17:56.720 --> 0:18:00.240 brains sync to their environment, with or without permission, and 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:02.639 you don't have to leave them behind. If you start 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:05.560 making better choices for yourself, you too can have a 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:08.919 positive impact to everyone else. The most important decision of 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:12.240 your twenties is not what career to pursue or who 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:16.040 to date. It's who you allow into your daily environment. 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:20.119 Curate it like your life depends on it, because neurologically 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:25.720 it does. Troof six. Being busy is the laziest thing 0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:28.359 you can do. This one is going to make some 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:33.720 people feel defensive. Good defensive usually means accurate. Busyness has 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:37.320 become the default data symbol of our generation. How are 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:40.119 you busy? Said with half a smile. That kind of 0:18:40.160 --> 0:18:44.160 says I'm important, I'm in demand, I'm doing things. We 0:18:44.160 --> 0:18:47.280 wear busyness like a medal, and we judge rest like 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.120 a crime. But here's the truth that took me years 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:56.240 to see. Being busy is easy, terrifyingly easy. Anyone can 0:18:56.240 --> 0:18:59.360 fill a schedule, Anyone can reply to every email, turn 0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:02.639 to every meeting, say yes to every request, maintainer to 0:19:02.680 --> 0:19:06.040 do lists so long it could wallpaper a house. Being 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:10.159 busy requires no thought, no strategy, no prioritization, no courage. 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:12.720 You just say yes to whatever shows up and call 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:17.479 the exhaustion hard work. Being effective, Actually moving the needle 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:20.920 on the things that matter is hard because it requires 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:24.879 you to think, to choose to say this matters, and 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:28.520 this doesn't to disappoint people, to sit with the discomfort 0:19:28.520 --> 0:19:32.040 of an empty calendar and the terrifying question it produces. 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:37.119 If I'm not busy, who am I? That question is 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:40.879 the real reason we stay busy. Business is a hiding place. 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:44.320 It keeps us from confronting the things we're avoiding. The 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:46.880 relationship we need to fix, the career change we need 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:49.520 to make the creative work you keep saying you don't 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.080 have time for You don't have time for it because 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:56.440 you filled every available minute with low value activity, specifically 0:19:56.800 --> 0:19:58.600 so you can say you don't have time for it. 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:02.560 The business is not the obstacle. The busyness is our 0:20:02.600 --> 0:20:07.159 false strategy. It's the most socially acceptable way to avoid 0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:11.960 your own life. Stop being busy and start being honest 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:16.639 about what you're hiding from inside the busyness. Truth seven. 0:20:17.240 --> 0:20:20.639 You will not be rewarded for your suffering. This is 0:20:20.680 --> 0:20:22.680 the one I said would save me the most pain. 0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:26.600 This is the one we all resist and I have 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:30.200 to somewhere deep in your operating system, and I don't 0:20:30.240 --> 0:20:33.359 know exactly when it got installed, but I know it's there. 0:20:33.760 --> 0:20:36.879 Is The belief that you're suffering is an investment that 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:40.920 if you endure enough, sacrifice enough, push through enough pain, 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:45.199 put yourself last enough times, that eventually the universe or 0:20:45.359 --> 0:20:48.520 life or God or something will notice and reward you. 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:51.960 That there's a cosmic ledger keeping track of how much 0:20:52.000 --> 0:20:54.960 you've struggled, and at some points the balance comes to 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:58.439 you and you get what you've earned. This belief is 0:20:58.720 --> 0:21:02.800 ruining our lives. It's invisible because it disguises itself as virtue. 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:06.320 You stay in the job that's destroying your health because 0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:09.040 leaving feels like giving up, and you've been taught that 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.199 giving up is the worst thing a person can do. 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:14.320 You stay in the relationship that diminishes you because you've 0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:17.560 invested so many years and walking away would mean all 0:21:17.600 --> 0:21:22.080 that suffering was for nothing. You deny yourself rest, pleasure, ease, 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:25.800 and joy because somewhere in your programming is the message 0:21:25.920 --> 0:21:29.560 that those things are earned, not given, and you haven't 0:21:29.600 --> 0:21:33.119 earned them yet. This is what psychologists called the sunk 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:36.919 cost fallacy. Applied to your entire life, the tendency to 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:41.000 continue investing in something because of how much you've already invested, 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:45.879 regardless of whether the future return justifies it. Doctor Hallar's 0:21:45.920 --> 0:21:50.399 and doctor Catherine Bloomer's foundational research on some costs showed 0:21:50.480 --> 0:21:54.600 that this bias operates even when people are explicitly told 0:21:54.840 --> 0:21:59.359 that past investment is irrelevant to future outcomes. The brain 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:02.399 can't let go of the suffering it's already paid, so 0:22:02.520 --> 0:22:06.560 it doubles down and then triples down and calds it perseverance. 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:10.920 The Buddhist tradition is devastatingly clear on this. The Buddha 0:22:11.000 --> 0:22:17.440 identified upadhana attachment clinging as the mechanism that perpetuates suffering, 0:22:17.840 --> 0:22:20.959 and one of the most pernicious forms of clinging is 0:22:21.000 --> 0:22:24.760 clinging to suffering itself, clinging to the identity of the 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:28.000 one who endures, clinging to the narrative that your pain 0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:31.520 has a purpose that will eventually be revealed. The Buddha 0:22:31.520 --> 0:22:34.679 didn't say suffering builds character. It says suffering is what 0:22:34.760 --> 0:22:37.560 happens when you cling, and the first thing most people 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:41.840 cling to without realizing it is suffering itself, because letting 0:22:41.840 --> 0:22:45.800 god of The suffering means admitting it might have been unnecessary, 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:49.560 and that admission is almost too painful to bear. Here's 0:22:49.600 --> 0:22:53.760 the truth. Some suffering is unavoidable, loss, grief, the genuine 0:22:53.760 --> 0:22:56.800 pain are being alive. We all have difficulties that we're 0:22:56.840 --> 0:23:00.880 going through, but the suffering we manufacture staying in things 0:23:00.920 --> 0:23:04.000 that aren't working the tolerant of conditions. You have the 0:23:04.040 --> 0:23:09.560 power to change. That is optional, and we can change truth. Eight. 0:23:10.160 --> 0:23:13.920 Your twenties are not a rehearsal. There are live performance 0:23:14.320 --> 0:23:17.840 and the audience is your thirties. There's a lie your 0:23:17.880 --> 0:23:20.760 brain tells you in your twenties that is so comforting 0:23:20.800 --> 0:23:23.359 and so dangerous that it deserves its own truth on 0:23:23.400 --> 0:23:26.320 this list. The lie is I have time. You do 0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:30.280 technically statistically, probably, but I have time is not a 0:23:30.320 --> 0:23:33.960 fact you're operating from. It's a sedative you're taking. It's 0:23:33.960 --> 0:23:35.879 the thing you tell yourself so you can postpone the 0:23:35.920 --> 0:23:39.359 difficult decision for another month, delay the launch for another quarter, 0:23:39.680 --> 0:23:41.760 stay in the wrong city for another year, table the 0:23:41.760 --> 0:23:44.840 conversation for another day. I have time is the lie 0:23:44.880 --> 0:23:48.160 that transforms your twenties from a decade of building into 0:23:48.200 --> 0:23:50.560 a decade of intending now. I also don't want you 0:23:50.560 --> 0:23:52.040 to be the opposite end, where you put you pressure 0:23:52.080 --> 0:23:54.040 on yourself and you don't realize you do have time. Right. 0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:56.760 That's unhealthy too, so the laziness. I have so much 0:23:56.800 --> 0:23:59.280 time it doesn't matter to Oh my god, every day 0:23:59.359 --> 0:24:03.400 counts and I'm old. Both of those are inaccurate. Here's 0:24:03.440 --> 0:24:05.400 what I wish someone had told me with enough force 0:24:05.480 --> 0:24:08.800 to actually land. Your thirties are not a new chapter. 0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:13.520 They're the consequences of your twenties. Every relationship you stayed 0:24:13.520 --> 0:24:16.560 in too long, every skill you didn't develop, every financial 0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:20.040 habit you didn't build, every hard truth you postponed, every 0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:23.080 morning you traded for a scroll, and every evening you 0:24:23.119 --> 0:24:26.720 traded for a binge. Those don't disappear at thirty because 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:30.040 you want them to. They compound in the wrong direction. 0:24:30.760 --> 0:24:35.040 Albert Einstein reportedly called compound interest the eighth wonder of 0:24:35.080 --> 0:24:39.560 the world. But compounding works on everything, not just money. 0:24:39.680 --> 0:24:43.640 Your habits compound, your knowledge compounds, your relationships compound, Your 0:24:43.680 --> 0:24:47.520 health compounds. And here's what nobody tells you. The compounding 0:24:47.600 --> 0:24:51.399 curve is nearly invisible in your twenties. The difference between 0:24:51.440 --> 0:24:54.000 the person who reads for thirty minutes a day, and 0:24:54.080 --> 0:24:56.919 the person who scrolls for thirty minutes a day is 0:24:57.160 --> 0:25:02.760 undetectable at twenty five twenty five, it's noticeable at forty five. 0:25:02.800 --> 0:25:06.159 It's a canyon. The ancient Indian concept of karma is 0:25:06.280 --> 0:25:10.560 grossly misunderstood in the West. It's not cosmic punishment. It's 0:25:10.600 --> 0:25:14.399 not what goes around comes around. In its original Verdantic context, 0:25:14.680 --> 0:25:18.200 karma simply means action, and the teaching is that every 0:25:18.240 --> 0:25:21.720 action creates a consequence, not as a moral judgment, but 0:25:21.800 --> 0:25:25.320 as natural law, like gravity. You don't get punished for 0:25:25.400 --> 0:25:28.280 jumping off a building. You just hit the ground. That's 0:25:28.320 --> 0:25:31.720 not justice, that's physics. Your twenties and when you're building 0:25:31.800 --> 0:25:35.399 the trajectory, the angle, the initial conditions, and because the 0:25:35.440 --> 0:25:38.919 results aren't visible yet, it feels like the angle doesn't matter. 0:25:39.400 --> 0:25:43.280 It does. A one degree difference in trajectory is invisible 0:25:43.440 --> 0:25:46.879