Speaker 1: If you would like to have us answer your questions.
Speaker 2: If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
Speaker 2: a terrible threatfle guess what, You've got Decisions.
Speaker 3: It's another Wednesday and another You Got Decision, y'all.
Speaker 2: We're doing our You Got Decisions from Atlanta in New York.
Speaker 1: This is special.
Speaker 2: This is special because we have a book tour coming up.
Speaker 2: We have so many things planned, so we were like,
Speaker 2: you know what, we need to take it back old school.
Speaker 1: And if you're an og HI member, y'all always love
Speaker 1: the t that was virtual.
Speaker 3: So there's not gonna be much t virtual here because
Speaker 3: maybe it's you Got Decisions and we're reading your letters,
Speaker 3: and if you haven't yet, make sure you send over
Speaker 3: your letter your question to Decisions pod at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: Before we get into You Got Decisions, make sure that
Speaker 3: you pre order No Holds Barred and come join us
Speaker 3: bringing the book from the pages to the stages. We're
Speaker 3: on tour. Make sure you go to NHB tour dot com.
Speaker 3: This week, we are reading a letter from a mail
Speaker 3: listener and it's quite interesting, if.
Speaker 1: I may say so, in the least.
Speaker 3: Now, the subject matter for this is quote unquote reverse
Speaker 3: stealthing question mark.
Speaker 1: Now, if you guys don't know.
Speaker 3: Stealth po oh, stealthing is something that is a criminal act.
Speaker 3: And what's crazy about that is I share about my
Speaker 3: stealthy experience in the book No Holds Barred under my
Speaker 3: sexual assault chapter. So I'm really interesting to get into
Speaker 3: this and this stuck out. So again, if you have
Speaker 3: a question, make sure you send in your letter to
Speaker 3: Decisions pod at gmail dot com so that we could
Speaker 3: read it here on our second drop of the week.
Speaker 3: You've got decisions. And again, if you want to see
Speaker 3: the video of this, make sure you subscribe to our
Speaker 3: patreon patreon dot com back slash Horrible Decisions. All right,
Speaker 3: let's see if this is actually reverse stelthing Wizie.
Speaker 1: Okay, it probably is.
Speaker 3: Is it bad that I am quote unquote reverse stealthing
Speaker 3: and sometimes faking it with my long term complicated boo?
Speaker 3: She and I have been doing the grown up for
Speaker 3: over five years with no commitment. However, a few years
Speaker 3: ago she had my baby quote unquote, when a couple
Speaker 3: of months later DNA proved that it was not mine.
Speaker 1: No big deal, bitch, the tea, No big deal.
Speaker 3: We get back to doing the grown up, I end
Speaker 3: up having a baby on her I know, messy.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: Though she is fervently adamant about my baby cream pies
Speaker 3: and no condoms, I am not with this idea, however,
Speaker 3: So I'm sneaking, slipping in on contraceptive films and during
Speaker 3: backshots faking it thoughts. So I don't know how she
Speaker 3: doesn't know she's not getting cream pied and I don't
Speaker 3: know about contraceptive.
Speaker 1: Film I thought she does know, and I think it's
Speaker 1: just the turn on what do you mean?
Speaker 2: Like Okay, So for a while my partner and I
Speaker 2: were going crazy with the baby kink, like it's also
Speaker 2: known as a breeding kink, and it's basically just the
Speaker 2: idea that somebody can get you pregnant, or talking about
Speaker 2: the cream pies or talking about the type of sex
Speaker 2: you're having. Sometimes it's not literal, like literally maybe once
Speaker 2: a week, I'm like.
Speaker 1: Ooh, get me pregnant. I don't want to.
Speaker 3: So wait, you think she actually doesn't want to have
Speaker 3: a baby by him at all, and she's just saying
Speaker 3: it as a part of like dirty talk.
Speaker 2: If if she is really like not noticing, I do
Speaker 2: have a feeling she might know that they're just being dirty.
Speaker 1: However, I don't like that there's no other backstory for
Speaker 1: this baby that.
Speaker 2: Wasn't yours, and why you used to a fucking Also,
Speaker 2: when he said we're doing the grown up, I need
Speaker 2: to know what this person looks like. Let's reverse engineer
Speaker 2: the email. We're doing the grown up.
Speaker 1: I guess you know. I never give a fuck about
Speaker 1: what nobody looked like.
Speaker 3: I believe good looking people and ugly people and everything
Speaker 3: in between is fucking.
Speaker 1: My thing was that I'm curious because.
Speaker 3: I wonder maybe this isn't a guy because I just
Speaker 3: looked up that VCF is vaginal contraceptive, So I don't
Speaker 3: understand how the baby wasn't hers or his because I
Speaker 3: don't understand how you can use vaginal contraceptive film.
Speaker 1: Oh it's spermicide. How do you get a woman to
Speaker 1: do that without her knowing?
Speaker 3: Or maybe that's just a part of I'm only gonna
Speaker 3: come in you if we do this. So essentially, even
Speaker 3: though she wants a baby, he's adding these other elements
Speaker 3: so that she doesn't get pregnant.
Speaker 2: Because now I'm right right like in case okay, because
Speaker 2: furmocide is the liquid jump.
Speaker 3: Yeah, VCF film is a soft square film that dissolves
Speaker 3: with your body's natural moisture to create a gel barrier
Speaker 3: that coats the service cervix and kills sperm on contact
Speaker 3: for up to three hours.
Speaker 2: So so many questions, because how have we not taught
Speaker 2: you niphing? How are we not teaching you nothing? First
Speaker 2: of all, it is one hundred percent okay to tell
Speaker 2: someone I don't want to have sex like this. I
Speaker 2: don't want to have sex that are protected. This isn't
Speaker 2: turning me on.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 3: I think the fact that oh oh oh wait, wait
Speaker 3: wait wait.
Speaker 1: Wait, now you're sitting here putting Kimmel.
Speaker 3: Wait a second, Wait a second, I'm rereading this, which
Speaker 3: I don't know if I like, So I am not
Speaker 3: with this idea.
Speaker 1: So I'm sneaking.
Speaker 3: He's slipping in and on contraceptive films during backshots.
Speaker 1: So wait a second, he is sneaking.
Speaker 3: Contraceptive which is why it's probably reverse celting. So again,
Speaker 3: if you guys don't know reverse celthing, it is removing.
Speaker 1: The condom ways removing healthing. That's what I meant.
Speaker 3: Selthing is removing the condom without the other person knowing it,
Speaker 3: and so essentially he is sneaking and slipping in and
Speaker 3: on this contraceptive film, so the VCF is being slid
Speaker 3: on and in her during backshots.
Speaker 1: Bitch, I don't, I ain't gonna hold you to me.
Speaker 1: I never thought of reverse selthing like that.
Speaker 3: But the fact that he is on the opposite end
Speaker 3: not technically wanting to get her pregnant, so not having
Speaker 3: unprotected sex doesn't sit well with him because clearly he's
Speaker 3: aware of the consequences. So he's sneaking contraceptive during the act.
Speaker 3: And it's not even like he's sliding on a condom.
Speaker 3: He's sliding on vaginal contraceptive.
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna be real with you.
Speaker 2: This is just a testimony, and this is no shade
Speaker 2: to the listener, but I guess it is.
Speaker 1: For some reason.
Speaker 2: We have a very difficult time advocating for ourselves when
Speaker 2: we're uncomfortable, and we have very difficult times with hard conversations,
Speaker 2: and this is why this is happening. For example, one
Speaker 2: of my homegirls and her man, whenever they like get
Speaker 2: kinky or whatever, she'll say come in me or do
Speaker 2: this or no, He'll say, I want to come in you.
Speaker 2: She doesn't want to ruin the moment, and then she
Speaker 2: ends up taking Plan B. So oh hell no, that
Speaker 2: Plan BE cannot be popped like skittles. She's like, it's
Speaker 2: not like I'm telling him no, I've never had the
Speaker 2: conversation about now. Sometimes I want to get it over with.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I just don't want to make it awkward because
Speaker 2: it's very sexy, and then I end up being the
Speaker 2: one that has to take this thing. I actually do
Speaker 2: understand somebody feeling so uncomfortable too, like a.
Speaker 1: Conversation being so hard.
Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, what you're doing
Speaker 2: is absolutely wrong and weird.
Speaker 1: It is. It is weird, Yeah, and I would not
Speaker 1: even know.
Speaker 2: She's doing something that you don't want. That's the other
Speaker 2: thing too, the whole conversation of I want you to
Speaker 2: get me pregnant, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: It could be sex talk, could be serious.
Speaker 2: What you need to do is find out ye talking
Speaker 2: about we're having doing grown stuff, nigga, go be grown
Speaker 2: grown stuff is also having the conversation.
Speaker 3: I mean to me, if you're in a position where
Speaker 3: this is clearly just a fuck friend. You guys were
Speaker 3: fucking for over five years with no commitment, even after
Speaker 3: she thought she was pregnant by you, and DNA proved
Speaker 3: that it wasn't your baby. Y'all continued and went back
Speaker 3: to clearly sleeping with each other unprotected, you were also
Speaker 3: dealing with someone else. So I will say this if
Speaker 3: anything else, the fact that you said you had a
Speaker 3: baby quote unquote on her.
Speaker 1: Brings me to believe and brings me.
Speaker 3: To the conclusion that you're having sex with multiple partners
Speaker 3: technically unprotected. You giving her the contraceptive film without her
Speaker 3: knowing during backshots also lets me know that in other
Speaker 3: positions during the act there is a possibility that there
Speaker 3: is no contraceptive at all being used, and so to me,
Speaker 3: the conversation has to be had and you need to
Speaker 3: let her know. Hey, I do not because you put
Speaker 3: not in all caps in this email. Sir, you do
Speaker 3: not want a baby with her, and although you enjoy
Speaker 3: sleeping with her, you do not want to procreate, which
Speaker 3: then in that case, it needs to be a very
Speaker 3: serious conversation about sleeping with each other with protection, her
Speaker 3: getting on birth control, or you guys stopping the.
Speaker 1: Grown up altogether.
Speaker 2: Because if we're being real about it, this is so
Speaker 2: ghetto for me to say. But It's just something I've
Speaker 2: said for a long time. Getting pregnant you can pay.
Speaker 1: To get rid of it. You over here, I have
Speaker 1: a grown up time with a woman that.
Speaker 2: Was clearly sleeping with someone else when you thought she
Speaker 2: had your baby and you so have you heard of
Speaker 2: in sexually transmitted disease.
Speaker 1: And you were that part.
Speaker 2: I think you got to get your shit together, bro.
Speaker 2: I appreciate the vulnerability and being honest about like, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm thinking it, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. But
Speaker 2: everyone listening, We've all been there. There's been something, whether
Speaker 2: it be sexual, romantic anything. In this particular situation, you
Speaker 2: gonna end up exactly where you don't want to be,
Speaker 2: and it's either with something to burn.
Speaker 1: Or with a baby to cry. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I also want to let you know and this is
Speaker 3: I know this is a very stealthing, but you don't
Speaker 3: want this to be ever used with you. Recently in
Speaker 3: BBC so this is an article from two thy and
Speaker 3: twenty four. So just last year a man had nineteen
Speaker 3: convictions to what is believed to be first in Scotland
Speaker 3: for stealthing. Of course, again where a condom is removed
Speaker 3: or not used without a partner's knowledge, and at thirty
Speaker 3: five years old, he has been jailed and charged with
Speaker 3: the abuse of nine women.
Speaker 1: Well, but this.
Speaker 3: Is from a twelve year period where he subjected a
Speaker 3: lot of his victims to physical, mental, yes, sexual abuse,
Speaker 3: but they ended up actually convicting him for stealthing. So
Speaker 3: you also don't want to be deemed And I want
Speaker 3: to let you know what the police in Scotland coined
Speaker 3: this guy to be a dangerous and manipulative sexual predator.
Speaker 1: Now that's my thing with this. What you're doing.
Speaker 3: On a psychological side of this thing is you're manipulating
Speaker 3: her to believe something is happening during sex that isn't
Speaker 3: really happening.
Speaker 2: I mean, I guess it's not necessarily quote unquote reverse
Speaker 2: in the most horrible way.
Speaker 1: Because it's not the most horrible I agree.
Speaker 2: Helthing is considered a form of rape, right right, But
Speaker 2: the states that ban sell thing, by the way, in
Speaker 2: the United States are California, Maine, and Washington. But there
Speaker 2: are no other laws covering this. And the interesting thing
Speaker 2: about the raids nineteen to thirty two percent of women
Speaker 2: have experienced heealthing before the age.
Speaker 1: Of thirty five. Yes, and I am of this statistic
Speaker 1: I have.
Speaker 2: I think the first time I experienced it, it was
Speaker 2: almost like a foreman.
Speaker 1: I hate the word gaslighting. Good.
Speaker 2: He was just like you ain't tell me you saw it,
Speaker 2: like you saw me pull it out, you saw.
Speaker 1: You both times. For me, I did not see it.
Speaker 3: And of course men normally will try to make you
Speaker 3: feel better by saying things like, oh my god, it
Speaker 3: was just feeling so good.
Speaker 1: I wanted to feel.
Speaker 3: It all or oh my god, you're just so tight.
Speaker 3: I just wanted to like they'll gaslights, So why they
Speaker 3: did it? The reason, however, I do want to say,
Speaker 3: you can still be considered, and not of course in
Speaker 3: the grand scheme, but in terms of being.
Speaker 1: Manipulative in the sense of sex.
Speaker 3: Sex I say all the time is ninety percent psychological,
Speaker 3: ten percent physical. And to me, we've been sitting here
Speaker 3: debating for weeks about what happened with the Shannon sharp
Speaker 3: Ord deal, and there's so many layers to that, but
Speaker 3: one thing that I keep coming back to is the
Speaker 3: fact that she explicitly said the things that she didn't
Speaker 3: want and you did it anyways. So if this woman
Speaker 3: is explicitly saying that she doesn't want protection and you're
Speaker 3: doing it anyways, you're violating a verbal agreement, so to speak,
Speaker 3: on what the two of you agreed upon. This sexual
Speaker 3: experience would be in no way, shape or form, whether
Speaker 3: you're putting protection on or technically making this experience quote
Speaker 3: unquote safer and of less consequence. I don't think in
Speaker 3: any act should you go into an agreement with someone
Speaker 3: to say you're going to do something sexually and daring
Speaker 3: the act change from doing the thing that you both
Speaker 3: agreed upon.
Speaker 2: The largest issue, too, is that there's no communication at all. Yeah,
Speaker 2: one girl is I mean that one party is asking
Speaker 2: for something and you're complying to that you actually.
Speaker 1: Really don't want.
Speaker 2: So the crazier thing about this message is that you're
Speaker 2: the one who who is being that avoided.
Speaker 1: I feel like the email should be.
Speaker 2: Hey, like this guy is saying this to me and
Speaker 2: I see this happening.
Speaker 1: It's actually a pretty.
Speaker 2: Weak It's the guy who wrote in I know I'm
Speaker 2: saying involved normally, Yes, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 2: You know the fact that someone thinks they're doing something
Speaker 2: with you that's consensual and it's absolutely.
Speaker 1: Not like yeah, no, I feel like my feelings would
Speaker 1: be hurt.
Speaker 2: If someone was like, hey, I've been slipping on spermicide,
Speaker 2: I'd be like, damn.
Speaker 1: Why are you just say something you know? Well? Then advice? Then?
Speaker 3: Do you think that this is a larger conversation? Does
Speaker 3: he admit to what he's been doing or moving forward?
Speaker 3: Should he just suggest, Hey, we're not committed. I don't
Speaker 3: really want kids right now. I want to only fuck
Speaker 3: with protection. How would you advise him?
Speaker 2: He doesn't want to have sex protection, He just doesn't
Speaker 2: want to. No, he doesn't want to have kids with her. No, no, no,
Speaker 2: he's not using condoms on purpose. He's only doing the
Speaker 2: spermicide because of this cream PI talk. So I think
Speaker 2: in reality you need to cut all that out because how.
Speaker 3: Does he approach the situation because okay, maybe it's not condoms,
Speaker 3: but clearly he feels safe for using spermicide. He's using
Speaker 3: it without her knowledge. So should he recommend this to her?
Speaker 3: How would you suggest? What would your advice be to
Speaker 3: him to actually communicating this to this partner?
Speaker 2: Oh, I think you've got to make it really nice
Speaker 2: and clean and be like, hey, after that whole thing
Speaker 2: that happened last time with the baby, it makes me
Speaker 2: real uncomfortable when we start talking about babies during sex.
Speaker 2: So I want to just leave all that cream price
Speaker 2: stuff out, like I want to pull out. That's my
Speaker 2: safe form, which by the way, it don't stop.
Speaker 1: Baby pull out. Yeah no, no, no, no. We two grown
Speaker 1: we in our thirties.
Speaker 3: A man saying I'll pull out to me is not
Speaker 3: like enough knowing that you don't want a baby.
Speaker 1: That's why I'm taking to say that that talk doesn't
Speaker 1: turn you on. Well, no, it's she.
Speaker 3: But if he feels comfortable with the contraception being vaginal film,
Speaker 3: then that is the contraception that you alert her and
Speaker 3: that she agrees to using. It doesn't have to be condoms.
Speaker 3: Clearly there's other ways of contraception. But he doesn't want
Speaker 3: a baby, and pulling out is not a realistic form
Speaker 3: of birth control.
Speaker 1: We all know that as adults.
Speaker 3: So to me, then my advice would be is to
Speaker 3: bring this up to her and let it be known
Speaker 3: that you do not want children with her, you're not
Speaker 3: interested in having any other kids with her, or just
Speaker 3: because you don't want them, and to suggest a form
Speaker 3: of birth control. Maybe she doesn't want to use VCF,
Speaker 3: so then you go to condoms. Maybe she's willing to
Speaker 3: get on birth control. There's a lot of options for contraception.
Speaker 3: But if you feel safer still engaging in sex with
Speaker 3: her with the use of a contraception, that becomes a
Speaker 3: conversation that you have with her.
Speaker 1: It's that simple, Like, it's.
Speaker 3: Not that you don't like using contraception, because you're using
Speaker 3: it just without the knowledge of her. And I think
Speaker 3: that maybe you find a way to still make it sexy.
Speaker 1: I mean, y'all know, I'm an.
Speaker 3: Advocate on safe sex, protected sex, condom, dick, and so
Speaker 3: I'm aware that you can still have all the fun.
Speaker 3: My advice, too, would be is maybe not saying, you know,
Speaker 3: in terms of dirty talk, not that you want to
Speaker 3: put a baby inside of her, but that you want
Speaker 3: to put all the babies on her, or you want
Speaker 3: her to swallow your baby, or you want them on
Speaker 3: her back.
Speaker 1: You can place the baby somewhere at else.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: Nandy looked directly into the camera into my soul when
Speaker 2: she said it, and I would like to go.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's other good advice though, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think there's a way to make protected sex sexy.
Speaker 3: And I know that there's all these stigmas and things
Speaker 3: said on these podcasts and social media about protected sex
Speaker 3: not being sexy, I one hundred percent, one hundred thousand
Speaker 3: percent disagree with. And there's a way to still have
Speaker 3: protected sex and make it sexy. Trust me, I've done
Speaker 3: it with plenty of partners that y'all have heard on
Speaker 3: this podcast, and currently doing it with my partner now
Speaker 3: and we are exclusive together. So the fact that you
Speaker 3: could still have sexy protected sex with someone you're with
Speaker 3: or not with definitely takes the conversation, especially in terms
Speaker 3: of family planning.
Speaker 1: So hope that we helped you. Again.
Speaker 3: If you have any comments on this, make sure you
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Speaker 3: Tour nhbtour dot com. All right, guys, Well, thank you
Speaker 3: guys so much for tuning in to another you Got Decisions.
Speaker 3: Make sure you join us every Wednesday.
Speaker 1: Bye m