WEBVTT - What is Gaslighting? Could It Be Happening to You? 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.080 Red Table Pop podcast all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.280 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.919 on Apple podcasts. Gas Lighting the trending word that's everywhere. 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:22.919 What exactly is it? Psychologically manipulating someone into questioning what 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:28.280 is actually true? You question your judgment on absolutely everything. 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:30.880 My career started to stuffer as a result. Photos of 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:34.480 her boyfriend with another woman were splashed across tabloids around 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:37.160 the world, and he says, if you sold the fust together, 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.239 you would say we're just friends, and you would be 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:43.199 able to see what it's like. Apath the Crowns, Rebecca 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:47.199 Humphreys reveals the damage after years of being gaslighting. When 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:51.040 you confronted him, would happen? Dr Romney is breaking it 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:53.760 all the way down. It's I'm going to dominate you. 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:57.280 You're going to live in my reality. Stop being so sensitive. 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:00.360 You're crazy. That just happened to me. The defice native 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:04.280 guy to spot and stop gas lighting. The people get 0:01:04.319 --> 0:01:06.520 stuck on, oh your gas lighting because you told me 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:10.119 that never happened. That's halfway the other half is when 0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:17.440 they dismantled you. Oh that part. I love your robe, 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:23.520 it's beautiful. Stand game. I like the cover you got 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:29.959 on ice blue, ice blue, ice blue. I like it. Well, 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:33.240 you know what today this is a deep one. I 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:38.800 have lots of questions. Yeah. So, millions saw this video 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:43.240 of a famous British comedian passionately kissing a woman in 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:47.080 an alley, but the story behind it is anything but romantic. 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:51.640 Before landing a coveted role on the award winning series 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:55.320 The Crown, actress Rebecca Humphreys thought she'd met her own 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:58.720 Prince Charming, a gifted stand up comedian known for his 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:03.000 high energy performed says. About five years into their relationship, 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.960 he was cast on the UK's popular reality show Strictly 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:10.960 Come Dancing. Rebecca's gut told her something was off about 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:14.080 the new friendship he'd formed with his married dance partner. 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:19.960 When she questioned him, he called her psycho, nuts and mental. Then, 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:22.520 on her birthday, he told her he was going out 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:25.880 for an innocent drink with his dance partner, and Rebecca's 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:30.640 worst fears came true. Her boyfriend caught on camera kissing 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:36.160 his dance partner before she knew it. The explosive video 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:42.639 made headlines around the world. Psycho nuts mental all classic 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:46.799 signs of gaslighting. Rebecca came in from London to share 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:52.560 her warning for all. So tell us about your relationships 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:54.880 so we can kind of get the picture. We were 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:59.440 together for about five and a half years. What's so important, 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:04.280 pippin forward to connect with. It's not that this relationship 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:10.720 was toxic. This relationship had moments of pure romance and 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:15.120 sensitivity and tenderness and intimacy. But there was a cycle 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:20.919 that on occasion took a darker turn. There were arguments, 0:03:21.480 --> 0:03:27.000 there were real moments of explosiveness, but then that would 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:30.359 be papered over with that tenderness and intimacy that would 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:32.720 come back in. Yeah, and let me tell you something. 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:36.200 The feeling is like someone pushes you out of a 0:03:36.240 --> 0:03:39.440 fifteen story building and then catches you a foot above 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:42.320 the pavement. And when they catch you above that pavement, 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:44.840 you go, thank you so much for catching me. I 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:47.720 think it feels so good, for so good to be alive. Yeah, 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:51.680 it's very intoxically, it's so intoxicating, and then when that 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:54.800 darkness comes again, you just ride it out because you're 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:56.840 waiting for that next time that you get called it's 0:03:56.880 --> 0:04:00.000 like thrill seeking. Yeah, so what happened when you because 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:02.880 I'm sure you tried to confront him about this, right, Okay, 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:07.080 So that was my birthday when those pictures were taken. 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.960 But I'm there at home and I'm going I know 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:12.760 that I sort of have a weird perception of what 0:04:12.800 --> 0:04:16.080 reality is. But I feel like it's not okay for 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.920 him to be out with another woman. I feel like 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:21.800 that is not all right. But I don't know if 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:23.679 it is like I don't know if I'm being needy 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:27.320 or you know, whatever it is about me. He's appeared 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.760 on Dancing with the Stars over here, but in the 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.920 UK it's strictly come dancing, and he's OK. He's done 0:04:32.960 --> 0:04:35.839 a great job for two of them. And so he 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.840 comes through the door and I say, I feel as 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:42.600 though there's something happening here, and I remember it so clearly. 0:04:43.279 --> 0:04:44.800 He stands there on the doorway and I'm on the 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.040 bed and I'm crying, and he says, I just feel 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:50.120 like if you saw the two of us together, you 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:53.600 would see we're just friends, and you would be able 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:58.360 to see what a psychopath you are. Wow, M that's 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:03.520 gas lady, and the next day again a text message saying, Hi, 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:06.920 I feel really bad about what happened last night. Maybe 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.479 this weekend we can have a special day and I'll 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:13.560 make up for it. And I go, okay, we're back 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:17.800 on track. Everything's great. Cut to three days later and 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:20.520 he just says, the tabloids have got pictures of me 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:26.240 and the dancer kissing, and I am telling you, I 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:30.360 will never ever forget the moment. I've described it as 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:35.359 like a photocopier. This white light just started here and 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:38.160 when all the way through my body when he told me, 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:44.120 and I just went oh, and my face just lit 0:05:44.279 --> 0:05:47.080 up because I was right. And if I was right 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:50.360 about that, what else have I been right about? Rebecca's 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:53.960 ex apologize, saying, in light of today's newspaper, I would 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:57.560 later off from my sincere apologies from my actions. This 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:01.800 is no excuse, but it was one off drunken mistake, 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:06.560 which I'm truly sorry for. There's no mention of me, 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:09.599 there's no apology to me. I hadn't been apologized to 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:13.640 at all. Yeah, they have it that make you feel. 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:15.960 That wasn't the first time I'd heard the words one 0:06:16.000 --> 0:06:20.719 off drunken mistake. I tell you it happened many, many 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:27.880 years before, when I had found messages between him and 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:32.400 another woman, sexual explicit messages on Facebook. We shared a 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:36.480 laptop and he obviously hadn't logged out. I was like, 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:40.919 we're done. Him. A few days later, he's begging for 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:43.719 me back, of course, and he says it was a 0:06:43.760 --> 0:06:48.800 one off drunken mistake and I'm truly sorry, got it. 0:06:48.960 --> 0:06:52.680 And so when this statement comes out almost five years later, 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:56.280 so I'm like, do you have learned that being sorry 0:06:56.440 --> 0:07:00.560 for a one off drunken mistake works? And it's because 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:03.839 I enabled it? Yeah, it's because the last time I 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:07.240 chose to believe it. I say that gas lighting feels 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:12.920 like tiny poison arrows and you don't notice them they're 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:15.520 so light. But what they do is they inject poison 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:18.200 into your body until poison is just pumping around your 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:21.280 veins and you don't even know. Can you give us 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:25.360 any other examples of how you were gas with stuff 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:28.000 like you remembered it wrong, It didn't happen like that, 0:07:28.040 --> 0:07:31.320 It happened like this, Or I didn't say that thing 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:34.160 that you're saying hurt you. I didn't say it. And 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:36.760 then I repeated it as well, Okay, maybe I did, 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:38.960 but I didn't say like that, not in that tone, 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:41.920 you know, in that way. And it sounds really small, 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:50.640 but it's incremental gaslighting is so insidious and exactly that 0:07:50.720 --> 0:07:54.280 it can go on for years and years and years 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:57.160 without you even realize that that you're waking up in 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.760 the morning with a part of you eroded away over time, 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:02.760 and you're so used to being shut down that your 0:08:02.800 --> 0:08:05.800 instinct is to say that hurt me. But I've been 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:08.800 told so many times, actually my brain kind of doesn't 0:08:08.840 --> 0:08:11.960 work that I'm just not gonna say it right. And 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:15.920 before you know what's happening, you question your judgment on 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:20.200 absolutely everything, until suddenly there you are in the grocery 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.520 store one day, not even knowing what food tastes good 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:25.840 in your own mouth, and you just don't know what 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:27.680 to bar. You don't want to get things wrong, your 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:30.559 question in your judgment at every turn. My career started 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.320 to suffer as a result. An actress and a writer 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:38.720 use my voice, well, you livest voice. I lost my voice. 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:41.200 My voice has been dismissed for so long that I 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:45.040 start to not even utilize it or use it. The 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:49.440 question is when we're in relationships like this. What is 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:54.880 it about us as women in particular, who are prepared 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:58.439 to betray ourselves and our feelings in order to sustain 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:01.079 these relationships that hurt us? Came then let's talk about 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:04.520 death because that's a deep subject. Pop culture and the 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:07.520 media told me that it's very important for me to 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:11.320 have a relationship because I'm a woman, you know, straight up, 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:14.040 all I know is that you have to have a man. 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:16.640 I have to have a man otherwise what am I worth? Right? 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:19.679 Because unfortunately that's what we're told. We're not worth anything 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.720 unless we got a man. And that's the thing I 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:27.400 think we as women, we're supposed to give everything that's valuable, 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:33.520 our self dignity to make allowances to have this relationship 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:37.079 that makes you worth something. I mean, a huge thing 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:38.800 that I have learned as a result of this relationship 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:40.800 is that I don't have to stand next to anybody 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:44.280 to be worth something, right. I don't have to wait 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:49.480 for anyone to make me un invisible. Right. I am 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:53.960 in charge of my visibility. People need to know that 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:59.199 you think your life will be worse by leaving, Yeah, 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:02.559 But when I left that relationship, that's when my life started. 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:06.680 It was like my sanity was handed to me in 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:09.920 an instant moment. When he told me the tabloids have 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:12.400 got pictures of me and the dancer kissing. It was 0:10:12.440 --> 0:10:15.280 like a cleanse. It felt like pure empowerment. Was it 0:10:15.440 --> 0:10:18.640 that moment that you decided to just break ties? It 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:22.240 was that moment good for you? And I was like, wow, 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:26.440 I'm liberated. It's good for you. Thank you. So. One 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:30.240 of the world's leading experts on gas lighting and an 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:34.720 RTT favorite, Dr Romney, is here to help us. She 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:40.560 also has an awesome new podcast navigating Narcissism, Dr Romney, 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:45.000 How would you define gaslighting? Gas Lighting is a form 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:51.160 of psychological manipulation, an emotional abuse in which a person's 0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:57.480 reality is doubted. It is done repeatedly with the purpose 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:02.800 of psychologically dismany, telling them and leaving them feeling as 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:07.080 though they are mentally unwell and fully dominated by the 0:11:07.160 --> 0:11:12.200 gas lighter. Wow, this is just that never happened. I 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.760 think people get stuck on, oh, your gas lighting because 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:18.600 you told me that never happened. That's halfway. The other 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:21.200 half is when they dismantle you. It is more than 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:25.200 being dismissive, because dismissive is sort of you know, you're crazy, 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.320 But because gas lighting is a grooming process, it doesn't 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:30.720 happen just one time. They got to figure out that 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:33.600 they can't even do this to you. They're testing the waters. 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:37.400 Oh she bit, I'm in now I can dominate because 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.160 if somebody fights. It's the first time said no fool, 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:44.360 I said that exactly, and then they said, no, you're 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:49.760 did You're crazy. I'm like, they're good, right, They're not 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:53.120 gonna be able to gaslight. You just got the hell 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:59.199 out of Dosh. I love that, no fool. So gas 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:04.400 lighting has a certain level of intention, intention to dominate, right, 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:08.160 So nobody's walking under the same I'm going to gaslight her. 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:10.880 It's I'm going to dominate you. You're going to live 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:14.080 in my reality, you're going to live in my narrative. 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:16.640 And actually it was my tight charge and it happened 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:18.640 like this, and this is how it's going to happen 0:12:18.800 --> 0:12:21.800 in the future as well. Yeah, but it's more complicated 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:23.679 than that, Rebecca, because a lot of people don't want 0:12:23.679 --> 0:12:26.480 the relationship to end. And that's sort of the ace 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.960 in the whole that the gas lighter always has. So 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:32.080 if you push a gas lighter and you push back 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:34.520 on it too much. I guess you're not that committed 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.120 or interested. I guess you really don't want this, and 0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:39.280 you're thinking, actually, there's a lot of good days in 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:43.040 this relationship. That's why these toxic relationships work. If they 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:46.240 were always terrible, everyone would run screaming out after the 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:49.559 second day. But they're not always terrible. In fact, sometimes 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:54.000 they're so blissful they feel extraordinary, and so when they're 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:57.240 about to pull the plug, that's when people no, no, no, 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.760 you know what, Maybe I did hear it wrong. Rooming 0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:03.320 as continues. It's a process of indoctrination until you really 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:05.560 are a shell of yourself. There's no more you left. 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:09.320 They took it off exactly when you are kept caged 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:13.160 for such a long time and you're being tamed, Suddenly 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:16.840 the accusations that you start throwing at someone feel erratic 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:22.240 and they feel huge, and they feel psychotics. And then 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:27.280 that person goes, you see was this what did I 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:32.120 tell you? And you go, I see their point, and 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:35.360 it becomes the self fulfilling prophecy, the psychosis. I mean, 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:39.840 a huge tragedy of it is that the biggest betrayal 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:43.360 is to yourself. Yeah, yeah, it's almost as though the 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:47.760 victim's perspective, there's like a gradual lowering of expectations that 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:52.800 then bare minimum in a relationship. How are you? Did 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.800 you have a good day? You look nice? Those things 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:00.680 become like the sun is shining on you. You think 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:07.480 you're in something that's actually wonderful, healthy, you do for 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:10.640 for that moment. That's a process called bread crumbing, where 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.080 you get by unless and less. Where you used to 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:14.880 get a whole slice of bread, now you're just getting 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:19.520 a few crumbs, and you're calling it a meal. That's deep, 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.720 that's good, it's good, and the nourishment that you feel 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:27.200 from thinking I'm fed, and you hold on hold onto 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:30.280 those little crumbs and you turn that into a relationship 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:33.200 in your mind. So what does a gas lighter do 0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:38.880 once they realize like in rebecca situation, right, he got 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:42.560 caught in the alley kissing someone. It was all over 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:46.880 the tabloids. His narrative is blown. In most cases, the 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.560 narrative doesn't get blown right. The person has to live 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:53.040 in this horrible uncertainty. The world doesn't find out. People 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:56.240 are still doubting you. So this was an extraordinary circumstance 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:58.720 because now it's been blown up. What happens to the 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:02.160 gas lighter. The aim means that they're going to be 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.440 on the attack. They're going to try to make themselves 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:07.960 look good. This isn't who I really am. You're judging 0:15:07.960 --> 0:15:12.120 me unfairly. They will immediately go into a defensive position. 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:18.120 Gas lighters defend. Gas flighting is not lying. There's a difference. Okay. 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:21.440 Everybody thinks, oh, you're just talking about lying. No, we're not, 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:26.080 because you can bring a liar around if you bring evidence. 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:29.000 So if you said I wasn't there, I wasn't there. 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:30.560 I wasn't there, and I'm like, Jadie, you were there, 0:15:30.600 --> 0:15:32.800 you were there, And then I said, Jada, here's a 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.840 picture of you there, and you're like, you know what, Romany, Yeah, 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:37.720 I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't want 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:40.320 you to know you weren't invited. Okay. So a liar 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:42.680 will cop to it when you give them the evidence. 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:47.200 A gas slighter will double down on their deceit when 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:49.880 you catch them, and they'll turn it into your crazy. 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:52.880 So if you were gas lighting me, j do, you'd say, wow, 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.480 So girlfriend's paranoid now too. You need to get some 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:59.600 mental health help. Because only a paranoid fool would be 0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:02.040 showing me picture of where I'm at. So now it's 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:05.360 become about me being crazy, rather than you lying about 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:07.760 being in that place, and most people in my position, 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:10.760 I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. But by now we've 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:12.960 moved off the story of you having been at that 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:19.840 point that's gas lighting. Okay, it's so unbelievably validating to 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:23.760 hear it put in those like I've been that like. 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:27.000 It just made me think about when everything came out 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:30.440 in the papers. Well, he was my ex boyfriend at 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:33.680 that point and either a stand up comedy tool and 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:36.560 said on the tool I'm not a gas lighter. I'm 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:39.920 just a bad boyfriend. It's like and see that right, 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:42.920 there is a gas like. It's a game of narrative control. 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:45.120 Because we get so lost in our narratives for what 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.320 we want a relationship to be, we're more vulnerable to 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:52.480 the gas slider's tactics. I feel like in order to 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:54.960 be in a relationship, you have to have some idea 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:58.600 of who you are yourself. If I had my way, 0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:01.240 I would take every woman on the planet and send 0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:03.840 her to sort of a place where she's taken care 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:06.800 of but has to be alone six to eight hours 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:11.520 a day alone because what we do is we fetishize relationship. 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:18.760 We fetish right, That's what we do, and people actually 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:21.360 feel shame when they're spending time alone. Think of how 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:23.080 many women are reluctant to even go out and have 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:26.440 a meal by themselves because it looks bad when people 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.040 are in their post gas lighting, post narcissistic phase. I 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:33.959 prescribe a twelve month detox. Absolutely no relationships, no sex, 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:36.560 get a vibrator, call it a day. But you are 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:40.800 not touching anyone. You need to find you. You need 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:42.720 to figure out what kind of pizza you like. You 0:17:42.760 --> 0:17:44.800 need to figure out what music you really do like. 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:46.919 You need to figure out what temperature you want that 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:53.040 thermost susceptible. Dr Romney? What are more examples of gas lighting? 0:17:53.520 --> 0:17:56.280 Stop being so sensitive. I've just told you your emotion 0:17:56.400 --> 0:17:59.040 is invalid, right, and then I'll take that one step. 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:03.520 Stop being so sensitive. You're crazy. So any reaction I 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:07.720 have is showing that I'm emotional, dramatic sensitive. I got 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:11.879 to bring that down because you're believing their characterization. And 0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:14.440 now you don't ever allow yourself to voice an emotion 0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:17.920 again because anytime I do, I'm being sensitive. There's something 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:20.639 wrong with me. So people hold themselves back. If you 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.480 must be paranoid, Are you sure you're not having memory problems, 0:18:23.720 --> 0:18:27.199 Maybe you need to go see the doctor. You're on 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:32.639 your period, your perimenopausal. You pick a hormonal time in 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:35.800 a woman's life and it's it's in the open season. 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:39.480 Another thing, can't you take a joke? Oh, that was 0:18:39.520 --> 0:18:43.679 a huge, huge one for me, that just happened to me. 0:18:43.960 --> 0:18:46.600 So all of these things are meant to say you're 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:50.080 not allowed to have an emotion. Your feelings are not valid, 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:52.639 there is something wrong with you. Gas Sighters, at the 0:18:52.640 --> 0:18:55.879 core of it, are deeply insecure. No one's on a 0:18:56.000 --> 0:19:00.840 power trip unless they feel this big inside. They feel small, 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:04.280 and so they make everyone else be as small as 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:07.919 And they are not necessarily aware all the time that 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:10.760 they're doing it, not at all. There's no awareness, and 0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:13.800 they won't go to therapy, so they're not showing up 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:15.879 for help because they don't think they're doing anything wrong. 0:19:16.160 --> 0:19:19.800 Does a gaslighter know that they're gaslighting? Here's the problem 0:19:19.840 --> 0:19:22.760 with gaslighters. They're not in touch with their why they're 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:26.440 uncomfortable when they're not in the dominant position, So they're 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:29.320 going to use whatever tools are at their disposal to 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:33.560 maintain that dominant position, including the gas lighting. I'm going 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:35.800 to take you down. I'm going to bring you down, 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:38.160 and once I test the waters and I realize you're 0:19:38.160 --> 0:19:41.239 not leaving, I got you right, Rebecca. If you had 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:44.160 left that relationship from the jump, there would have been over. 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:47.480 That's why my eminent advice to everyone who's how do 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:52.240 I avoid this? Get out early, early, early, early. So 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:56.520 how is a gaslighter created? In the vast majority of cases, 0:19:56.680 --> 0:20:01.639 gas lighters are narcissistic, that's but for some folks, the 0:20:01.720 --> 0:20:04.800 gaslighting is something they watched happen in their family. They 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:08.240 were regularly gaslighted by a parent, so it almost felt 0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:11.280 like that was a fair way of communicating. But people 0:20:11.440 --> 0:20:14.280 learn it, especially if they saw the parents doing it 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:16.719 with each other or step parents. Remember you're like, oh, 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:18.960 we're arguing, so I'm gonna deny it because that's how 0:20:18.960 --> 0:20:21.480 it was always done in my house. I never said that. 0:20:21.480 --> 0:20:24.760 That's a good point. Okay, So Dr Rominey helped us 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:29.040 put together some scenarios to show just how easily gaslighting 0:20:29.080 --> 0:20:35.439 can happen. You were supposed to pick me up from 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:40.119 work today. Did you forget um, you didn't ask me 0:20:40.240 --> 0:20:42.240 to pick you up? Yeah, I did, remember. I waited 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:44.600 for like an hour and you didn't pick up your phone. No, 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:48.400 you're confused. I recall you telling me that you're catching 0:20:48.400 --> 0:20:52.639 a round home your co worker. No, I sent you 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:56.960 a text this morning as a reminder. You're wrong. I 0:20:57.080 --> 0:21:00.320 never got a text. There's no texting hand look book 0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:05.119 it says it was delivered. There's no text. Okay, so 0:21:05.280 --> 0:21:08.800 that pushing away of evidence. See she had the text 0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:11.600 showing I had set you the text and no evidence. No, 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:14.520 thank you. Great. So first I'm a bad boyfriend for 0:21:14.600 --> 0:21:16.320 not picking you up, and now you're accusing me of 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:20.880 lying this. This is why we always argue you're crazy, 0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:24.080 all these little interactions like I'm sick and tired of 0:21:24.080 --> 0:21:29.200 your accusations and trust issues. Okay, I'm sorry, You're right. 0:21:29.280 --> 0:21:32.760 I am probably just being dramatic and I asked you 0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:35.560 to do too much. I am a great boyfriend, and 0:21:35.600 --> 0:21:37.440 I'm sick and tired of being treated like this. Do 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:40.080 you want a drum queen? And we cannot continue like this? 0:21:40.240 --> 0:21:46.760 Do you understand? Oh? Do you see what she was doing. 0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:49.400 She was almost getting ahead of him. Yeah, I don't 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:52.280 remember things. I don't want to be dramatic. What happens 0:21:52.280 --> 0:21:54.640 if you stay in a gas lighting relationship long enough 0:21:54.920 --> 0:21:58.200 you start doing their dirty work for that you've internalized 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:03.880 their language. Over time, that becomes yourself talk, always anticipating 0:22:04.320 --> 0:22:08.880 being a failure correct, and also the I'm sorry when 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:11.480 you come with a problem suddenly before you know what's happening. 0:22:11.480 --> 0:22:14.800 You all want apologizing over time in a relationship like that, 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:18.400 someone like her, we'll stop speaking of because you can 0:22:18.440 --> 0:22:23.200 already anticipate the argument. Wow, so gas lighting can happen 0:22:23.240 --> 0:22:30.439 in all kinds of relationships. Watch this what we haven't 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:34.720 I thought we could have passed the salad? Oh yeah, 0:22:34.760 --> 0:22:37.600 Oh my god, Jazz, you know those art director jobs 0:22:37.600 --> 0:22:40.760 we apply for forever ago? Really just emailed me. I 0:22:40.800 --> 0:22:45.960 got an interview. Good for you. I haven't heard anything. 0:22:46.800 --> 0:22:51.040 Are you ready for a job at this level? Wait? 0:22:51.080 --> 0:22:52.879 I thought you said when I applied I could be 0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:56.160 great at this I've been wanting this for a while now, 0:22:56.200 --> 0:22:58.680 and you don't think I'm ready. It's not that, it's 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:03.520 just that normally this kind of job requires people to 0:23:03.680 --> 0:23:08.640 have a really clear vision. I think I'm ready. That's 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:11.280 a gaslight, because you are ready your your reality is like, 0:23:11.280 --> 0:23:13.520 I've got the experience, I know what I'm doing. I've 0:23:13.520 --> 0:23:16.280 even been offered an interview. I feel confident that I 0:23:16.359 --> 0:23:20.040 could do this. You know what, forget I even said anything. 0:23:20.080 --> 0:23:23.439 Your work is great. You belong on a billboard in 0:23:23.680 --> 0:23:28.240 Times Square or the covered Vogue. You can't be a 0:23:28.240 --> 0:23:32.679 little supportive, and you can't take a little joke. Do 0:23:32.720 --> 0:23:34.280 you want me to be the kind of friend who 0:23:34.320 --> 0:23:37.399 only tells you what you want to hear. You're saying 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:40.240 that you're ready for this, right, so you must be. 0:23:45.080 --> 0:23:47.760 I was really excited. I've been wanting this job for 0:23:47.800 --> 0:23:52.159 so long. Now I'm second guessing at I'm thinking about 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:57.240 not even going to the interview. So, Dr Romaney, what 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:00.880 happened there? Part of gas lighting is that they consistently 0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:04.280 doubt your capacity to do something. This job is too 0:24:04.280 --> 0:24:08.439 big for you, keeping you small, And a lot of 0:24:08.440 --> 0:24:13.200 people don't recognize that somebody undercutting your abilities and telling 0:24:13.240 --> 0:24:15.560 you you're not ready when you inherently feel you are, 0:24:15.640 --> 0:24:18.600