1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:25,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, 5 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, 6 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:37,280 Speaker 1: to have you back here for another episode. This week, 8 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,640 Speaker 1: I thought we'd tackle a subject that I'm sure is 9 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 1: really pertinent for a lot of us at the moment, 10 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,120 Speaker 1: and that is the struggle with perfectionism, particularly as it 11 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,319 Speaker 1: relates to academic anxiety, but also in so many other 12 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 1: realms of our lives. The interesting thing about this topic 13 00:00:56,440 --> 00:01:00,040 Speaker 1: for me is that perfectionism is often interpreted as a 14 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: good thing and an overall positive quality. How many of 15 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: us have wrote that you have strong attention to detail 16 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:12,040 Speaker 1: on our resumes or talked about your perfectionist traits in 17 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: a job interview. It's widely valued and viewed in society 18 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: as a positive thing, something that we would like to have, 19 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: so we don't always second guess its use and what 20 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,800 Speaker 1: it actually means for our behavior, particularly for people in 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,320 Speaker 1: their twenties. As is obviously the whole entire purpose of 22 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: this show. But what does psychology actually say about this trait? 23 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,080 Speaker 1: What does it actually say about perfectionism. I'm going to 24 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: spoil some of the research for you already, but if 25 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: you haven't guessed it, perfectionism can be incredibly stifling and 26 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: restrictive in the pursuit of both our short term goals 27 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: such as a finishing an assignment, getting things done, completing 28 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: the things on our to do list, but also our 29 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: long term goals all the way up to graduating university, 30 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 1: choosing a career path, and even creating successful relationships. There 31 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 1: are some surprising emotional and mental health consequences that I 32 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: think aren't spoken about enough when we talk about perfectionism, 33 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: and more broadly, there are a number of misconceptions about 34 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: this concept that I think need to be broken down 35 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: because that colocal use to describe perfectionism as positive, it 36 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 1: really does reinforce some pretty negative behaviors, and in reality, 37 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 1: there really isn't much about this quality that is healthy. 38 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 1: In fact, it's very much a dangerous, maladaptive coping mechanism 39 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 1: for dealing with failure and for dealing with criticism from others, 40 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:51,800 Speaker 1: and it's on the rise, particularly amongst young people. As 41 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 1: far as our twenties are concerned, the presence of perfectionism 42 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: is very important to discuss as it relates to a 43 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: number of our experiences, including our body image. If you 44 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,680 Speaker 1: listen to the episode on eating disorders or diet culture, 45 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,720 Speaker 1: you'll already know that people with certain conditions like anorexia 46 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: are much more likely to be perfectionist compared to the 47 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 1: average individual, but also people bleazing tendencies, and the one 48 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 1: I really want to focus on today academic performance and 49 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: academic anxiety. Most of us in our twenties, I would 50 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: assume are in some kind of further study or you 51 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: have done further study. And although it is a slug 52 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: for most of us and unenjoyable at times, some of 53 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: us are particularly crippled by the need to meet an 54 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 1: exceptional standard of performance, to the point that it actually 55 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 1: causes paralysis. It paralyzes our ability to start things, to 56 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: finish them, to feel happy and successful. It's like our 57 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,480 Speaker 1: brain is asking us for one thing, but simultaneously sabotaging 58 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 1: our efforts, and it's a very complicated interaction. Interestingly, students 59 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 1: who are perfectionists do typically do better in academic environments, 60 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 1: but add a massive expense to the overall enjoyment of 61 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: their studies and their overall wellbeing. So today we're going 62 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: to discuss everything to do with perfectionism, from the origins, 63 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: why some people have it and others don't, the links 64 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: to personality and procrastination, how it relates to academic anxiety, 65 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: and of course what we can do about it. I 66 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: think perfectionism sometimes feels like a bit of a mental prison. 67 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: I'm saying that as a perfectionist myself. But we can 68 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,559 Speaker 1: really retrain our brains using techniques like the eighty twenty method, 69 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 1: visualization positive self talk to reframe the tasks on our 70 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:59,360 Speaker 1: to do list so that they seem manageable and ultimately 71 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 1: understand that life is not about being perfect. So for 72 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,240 Speaker 1: my perfectionists out there, this one is for you. Let's 73 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: ride this wave together and get to the bottom of 74 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: the psychology and the science of perfectionism. Perfectionism it's not 75 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,040 Speaker 1: the same as having high standards for ourselves or wanting 76 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 1: to be the best that we can be. That's probably 77 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,160 Speaker 1: the biggest misconception that I want to address straight off 78 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,480 Speaker 1: the bat, because I think this misunderstanding is a massive 79 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: reason why we often think of this trait as being positive. 80 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 1: But in the words of possibly one of my favorite people, 81 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,919 Speaker 1: Brene Brown, perfectionism is not the same thing as striving 82 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement 83 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: and growth. It's actually about shielding or protecting ourselves against blame, 84 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,719 Speaker 1: against judgment or shame. That is really at the core 85 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: of what we're talking about today. But let's get our 86 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: basics down pat first before we jump in. Perfectionism in 87 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: psychology is essentially a personality trait in which an individual 88 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:17,479 Speaker 1: is driven to appear, to feel, and to be perfect, 89 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: often at the expense of their self esteem. And it's 90 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: not just perfection as it relates to our grades. It's 91 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,200 Speaker 1: perfection in all areas of life. Maybe you are a 92 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 1: big runner, a big athlete, you can have perfectionist qualities 93 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,160 Speaker 1: and traits within that domain. Or when it comes to 94 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: our body image, or how much money we're making or 95 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:43,839 Speaker 1: our success, it's all related to this inherent quality you 96 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: see perfectionism. It's not an encouraging voice in our head. 97 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: It's actually quite a negative and self critical little creature 98 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 1: that convinces us that if we're not achieving unattainable ideals 99 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: or unrealistic goals. We are a failure and amongst people 100 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,720 Speaker 1: who have this trait, their self worth is often determined 101 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: by their capacity to reach these incredibly high personal standards, 102 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 1: and this causes us to push and push until we 103 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: either succeed, which is incredibly rare, or we quote unquote 104 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 1: fail and we burn out, resulting in this massive dip 105 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 1: in our sense of self worth and other behaviors like 106 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: procrastination and even depression and anxiety. So in this way, 107 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: it is highly maladaptive, maladaptive being a behavior that interferes 108 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: with our ability to perform daily activities because it encompasses 109 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: so many negative and self sabotaging aspects, like an intense 110 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:52,040 Speaker 1: fear of failure, unrealistic standards, only focusing on results, and 111 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: being intensely critical of ourselves. This really fascinating article put 112 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: it in a great way. Perfections are held to this 113 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: strange double standard in our society, where they are simultaneously 114 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: admired for their achievements whilst also very much criticized, and 115 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: not just by external forces or other people, but by themselves. 116 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: So they receive all of this praise externally but internally 117 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: they're really struggling, and it's this double standard, especially when 118 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 1: it comes to something like academic achievement, which is universally 119 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: valued in our society. That creates a very difficult cycle 120 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: based on external reinforcement from society and then an internal 121 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: fear of failure, which just perpetuates the behavior. So if 122 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: you are listening to this, thinking, this is literally describing me. 123 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 1: This is me. Let's firstly dive a bit further into 124 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: some of the signs or problematic behaviors to look out for. 125 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: A big one is that you struggle to complete tasks 126 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: in a timely manner or when they need to be 127 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:09,959 Speaker 1: done by. This has strong links to procrastination, which is 128 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: an aspect of perfectionism we'll touch on later, but essentially, 129 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 1: if you are a perfectionist, it's really hard to start something, 130 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:23,439 Speaker 1: to finish something if you don't personally believe that it's perfect. 131 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,640 Speaker 1: So it's a massive indicator not that you're lazy, but 132 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: that actually you set such high standards for yourself that 133 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 1: you can't even possibly begin to try and meet them. 134 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: You might also find it really hard to come back 135 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:44,080 Speaker 1: from mistakes, and you ruminate on your failures rather than 136 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:49,199 Speaker 1: your successes, which can create a very toxic headspace. Incredibly 137 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: toxic because if that little voice in your head is 138 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 1: always telling you that you've never done well enough, you've 139 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,200 Speaker 1: never met your standards, it's going to be incredibly hard 140 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 1: to view yourself in a positive light. And you might 141 00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: also have a hard time overlooking small mistakes and repeatedly 142 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: going over your work, redoing your task until it's perfect, 143 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 1: even if it takes hours and hours. Hence that maladaptive aspect. 144 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: You may also feel an immense, almost out of body 145 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:28,720 Speaker 1: like pressure to live up to high expectations, both your 146 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: own and others, and additionally, you might also be hyper 147 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 1: sensitive to criticism or rejection. This is why perfectionism and 148 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 1: people pleasing go hand in hand, because perfectionists are highly 149 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: attuned to the expectations of others, and they have this 150 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: intense fear of upsetting or disappointing people like their parents, 151 00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: people they respect society in general, meaning that they neglect 152 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,440 Speaker 1: their own needs for the sake of other people. Your 153 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: identity might also be highly dependent on your accomplishments, and 154 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: you may say yourself as a really driven person, but 155 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 1: your failures mean a lot more to you in that 156 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: they are how you judge your character. So you might 157 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:30,080 Speaker 1: admire yourself for being accomplished. Outwardly, you might seem highly driven, 158 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: but if someone was to take a look inside your brain, 159 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,040 Speaker 1: it probably wouldn't be a pretty place to be, because 160 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,920 Speaker 1: every failure to you means the world. Finally, you may 161 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: also have extremely high standards for others, which can put 162 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on your personal relationships if your 163 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 1: friends or your partner can never meet your unattainable expectations, 164 00:11:55,640 --> 00:12:01,559 Speaker 1: resulting in essentially relationship breakdown. These are obviously just a few, 165 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: but there are so many niche behaviors that are highly 166 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 1: correlated with individuals who are high in the perfectionist trait. 167 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 1: As a psychologist would say, of course, none of these 168 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,600 Speaker 1: behaviors are deliberate. Perfectionism, like we mentioned at the very start, 169 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 1: is a personality trait, meaning that it and its associated 170 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: actions or habits are often innate and they have formed 171 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: unconsciously and beyond our control, which is what makes it 172 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,840 Speaker 1: such a hard thing to treat. I think it's also 173 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:40,200 Speaker 1: interesting to point out here that there is not just 174 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,360 Speaker 1: one type of perfectionist, but there are three, and there 175 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: are two actually very important people We need to stop 176 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: and acknowledge here, and that is doctor Paul Hewitt and 177 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:55,560 Speaker 1: doctor Gordon Flett. They are essentially the pioneers of the 178 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: large majority of research into perfectionism over the last couple 179 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: of decades, and one thing they found is that, like 180 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: most traits, perfectionism also exists on a spectrum, and it 181 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: can differ in presentation for different people. The three broad 182 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 1: categories of perfectionists that they have discovered observed, whatever world 183 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,959 Speaker 1: you'd like to use for it are socially or social 184 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:27,959 Speaker 1: prescribed perfectionists, other oriented perfectionists, and finally, self oriented perfectionist, 185 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: so socially prescribed perfectionism. This occurs in which someone is 186 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 1: incredibly self critical, They feel immense pressure to be the best, 187 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,760 Speaker 1: and they worry that others are going to reject them, 188 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 1: particularly important respected people in their lives. I'm thinking parents, 189 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 1: I'm thinking teachers. Normally, it's perceived external standards, such as 190 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 1: academic expectations that can lead to this version of perfectionism 191 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 1: and the accompanying low confidence and anxiety that we often 192 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: associate with this characteristic perfectionists who are other oriented they 193 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: hold others to particularly high standards. It is very hard 194 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: to build relationships under these conditions, and it can be 195 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: really detrimental for social well being because one slight imperfection 196 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: in someone else that can cause this perfectionist this person 197 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:34,920 Speaker 1: to completely shut them out. So it's highly detrimental. And finally, 198 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: we have the self oriented perfectionist. They are very organized, 199 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 1: they are very conscientious, they are very type A. They 200 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: set higher standards for themselves in their lives and their careers, 201 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: but they are also able to go after their goals. 202 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 1: So high self oriented perfectionism it's generally associated with the 203 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 1: most adaptive t correlated with things like greater productivity, success, assertiveness, 204 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: great focus. These people they show I guess, higher rates 205 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:17,160 Speaker 1: of the positive emotions and the motivation and the successes 206 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 1: that we sometimes associate with perfectionism. Now, I don't personally 207 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: believe there is a healthy version of perfectionism, but if 208 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: there was to be one, it would be those who 209 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: are self oriented. You know, their relationships are not under scrutiny. 210 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: And most of the time, those who fall into this category, 211 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: they're not behaving in a way that's looking to fulfill 212 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 1: someone else's expectations but their own. However, there is a 213 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 1: caveat because regardless of what category you sit in, you're 214 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 1: still going to exhibit those core characteristics like a fear 215 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:02,480 Speaker 1: of failure, placing incredible pressure on yourself or others, and 216 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: you're still at a risk of burnout and anxiety. So 217 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: now that we have a grasp on the basics, what 218 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: are the exact origins of perfectionism? Well, according to psychology, 219 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:21,520 Speaker 1: the major ones are societal or familial factors, including early 220 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:25,760 Speaker 1: childhood experiences that one always seems to be the corporate 221 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: but also things like personality and self concept, and finally 222 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: co morbid conditions like ADHD or OCD. First off, our upbringing, 223 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:43,200 Speaker 1: this is going to play a large role in whether 224 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: you are someone who exhibits perfectionist traits or not, particularly 225 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 1: if you had parents or caregivers who had really high 226 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: standards for you, particularly academic standards. This has passed on 227 00:16:55,640 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: to you as you learn to internalize their expectations, especially 228 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 1: if their expectations were reinforced by punishment or variable reward, 229 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: because their beliefs are being reinforced by something you're either 230 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:15,879 Speaker 1: wishing to avoid or wanting to obtain. We've spoken about 231 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,639 Speaker 1: this before, I think many times, but we know that 232 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 1: young children, they have a really strong desire to please 233 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 1: their caregivers, because they are the source of our security, 234 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: the source of our support, and to an extent, our 235 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: self esteem. It's all drawn from our parents, as Freud 236 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 1: would say. And I think further to that children are 237 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:47,159 Speaker 1: incredibly vulnerable, and they're also learning the ways of the world, 238 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,680 Speaker 1: and their main point of reference on what is correct 239 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,919 Speaker 1: is from their parents. So if your parents convince you 240 00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 1: that perfectionism is what is expected, I have no other 241 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,400 Speaker 1: point of reference to either confirm or deny this standard. 242 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,719 Speaker 1: And if an adult tells a small child that they 243 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: are a failure, that they're not working hard enough, they're 244 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:16,360 Speaker 1: not smart enough, they're not talented, that child will internalize 245 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: this message and they will believe that it's true and 246 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 1: continue to find evidence to support this point of view, 247 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 1: and continue to try and also find a way to 248 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,679 Speaker 1: prove it wrong. It's this weird catch twenty two in 249 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,119 Speaker 1: which we still believe that we are failures, but we 250 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:40,000 Speaker 1: work so hard to prove ourselves wrong. An additional link 251 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,679 Speaker 1: is that perfectionism can also be learned by children who 252 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: are growing up around really highly successful perfectionist parents. If 253 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 1: your parent is an incredibly successful athlete, maybe they were 254 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,880 Speaker 1: really academically talented, and they tell you that they're a CEO, 255 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:04,119 Speaker 1: they're doing great thingsing we model this behavior and this expectation, 256 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: and we implicitly look to be that way as well. 257 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:14,439 Speaker 1: Perfectionism is also encouraged when children are exclusively praised for 258 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 1: their achievements rather than for their inherent value or their 259 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,440 Speaker 1: efforts or their progress. There is a scene in The Help. 260 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,840 Speaker 1: I know it's a strange caveat strange tangent, but there's 261 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:32,560 Speaker 1: this scene where abling Viola Davis's character tells this young 262 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:36,239 Speaker 1: girl that she is kind, that she is smart, that 263 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:41,439 Speaker 1: she is important. And those are incredibly powerful affirmations to 264 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 1: tell a child, because they're about their core inherent value 265 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,760 Speaker 1: rather than about what they can achieve, rather than about 266 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 1: their grades or how beautiful they are or how perfect 267 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:58,199 Speaker 1: they are. Our innate self concept and our personality is 268 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 1: of course another factor personality. It's otherwise known as temperament, 269 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 1: and it's something that we are born with, and perfectionism 270 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,919 Speaker 1: is after all a part of that, because it's a 271 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 1: personality trait. Of course, there are environmental factors, but you 272 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 1: would be surprised how much of it is contained in 273 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:21,880 Speaker 1: our DNA. It's the age old debate of nature versus nurture, 274 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: and I think or when it comes to perfectionism, it 275 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 1: really is a mix of both. Finally, we did discuss 276 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,000 Speaker 1: this before, but there are certain mental health conditions that 277 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,919 Speaker 1: have a really strong causal relationship with perfectionism, in particular 278 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:44,679 Speaker 1: OCD and ADHD. Perfectionism it's actually one of the most 279 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 1: common cognitive distortions reported in adults with ADHD. So there 280 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: have been studies that have shown a strong correlation between 281 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 1: perfectionism and impulsivity, which is another symptom of ADHD, and 282 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:04,719 Speaker 1: together they form somewhat of a negative feedback loop in 283 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:10,040 Speaker 1: which someone with ADHD will set impossible standards, they will 284 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:14,720 Speaker 1: fail to meet them and make rass decisions out of frustration, 285 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: and these decisions often further reinforce not only this pattern 286 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: of behavior, but this idea that they're a failure, which 287 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:28,360 Speaker 1: is really sad. It's incredibly sad, but it shows how 288 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,440 Speaker 1: much of our brain really has something to do with this. 289 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:37,159 Speaker 1: I think the link between perfectionism and OCD is a 290 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 1: little bit more obvious. Research has repeatedly shown that people 291 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: with perfectionist tendencies are much more likely to have OCD, 292 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: and the explanation that they give is that they're probably 293 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: linked to an imbalance of certain chemicals or neurotransmitters in 294 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:01,880 Speaker 1: the brain, like dopamine and glutenmate, which is why our 295 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 1: brain can't really regulate our behaviors and has all these 296 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: weird structures around control and needing to control an outcome 297 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,000 Speaker 1: and needing the outcome to be perfect or to a 298 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,479 Speaker 1: certain standard. But I'm going to stop dilly dalling. What 299 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,440 Speaker 1: I really want to talk about now is how perfectionism 300 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: and academic anxiety or performance interact. There have been so 301 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,880 Speaker 1: many studies on this. When I tell you that it's unbelievable, 302 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:39,159 Speaker 1: and it's even coined its own term. It's called academic perfectionism. 303 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: One study via the National Institute of Health found that 304 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:49,840 Speaker 1: people with high perfectionistic worries experienced increased feelings of hopelessness 305 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: and a lack of control in the face of their 306 00:22:53,480 --> 00:23:00,680 Speaker 1: almost uncontrollable pursuit of perfectionism, resulting in paralysis and lower 307 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,600 Speaker 1: academic performance. Now, when I say paralysis, it's not that 308 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: they were physically paralyzed. It's that their brain almost couldn't 309 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: convince them to perform an activity unless they knew it 310 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,880 Speaker 1: was perfect. And that makes a lot of sense, right, 311 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,320 Speaker 1: If you are severely concerned with your performance, it makes 312 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: it really hard to focus because nothing can be just 313 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: good enough. Sometimes it needs to be good enough, but 314 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: you won't allow yourself to do that. You need it 315 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: to be perfect, which is quite frankly, I think impossible. 316 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:41,680 Speaker 1: So what happens is they find themselves completely stuck or 317 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: redoing something over and over again until it reaches their standard, 318 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,879 Speaker 1: perhaps days after the you know, if it's an essay 319 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,760 Speaker 1: or if it's an activity or a task is even due. 320 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,400 Speaker 1: And it's been repeatedly acknowledged in a lot of literature 321 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:03,440 Speaker 1: of late that perfectism, particularly amongst fifteen to twenty four 322 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,720 Speaker 1: year olds, is on the rise. And what are most 323 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:12,240 Speaker 1: people doing between those ages, Well, they're studying. And I 324 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:17,639 Speaker 1: think this rise in academic perfectionism and anxiety really comes 325 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 1: down to the immense amount of cultural and societal pressure 326 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,720 Speaker 1: that's been placed on us to be the best. You know, 327 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:30,440 Speaker 1: the world these days is so focused on competition and success, 328 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,879 Speaker 1: and that really fuels social comparison and the pursuit of 329 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: perfect grades and academic achievement. And this has a lot 330 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,080 Speaker 1: of bleed on effects to young people, particularly when they're 331 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:46,159 Speaker 1: in their prime and formative years and also undertaking some 332 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 1: form of study. If we are only looking at grades 333 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:55,240 Speaker 1: and grades alone, we might be confused into thinking that 334 00:24:55,880 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: perfectionism is a positive quality, which we know it's we've 335 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 1: debunked that already, but in some ways academic perfectionism it 336 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:10,359 Speaker 1: is positively correlated with academic performance, but it's also negatively 337 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: correlated with overall wellbeing. So people with this quality, with 338 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: this trait, they may be doing well on the outside, 339 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:24,679 Speaker 1: everything looks great, but internally the pressure they place on 340 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:29,439 Speaker 1: themselves is an immense burden that eats into their mental health, 341 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: eats into their relationships, their free time, their overall well being. 342 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 1: And what's really interesting about some of these studies is 343 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:43,399 Speaker 1: that most students who had perfectionism were actually telling the 344 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 1: researchers that they were performing really poorly, or that they 345 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,040 Speaker 1: weren't getting good grades, or that they weren't academically gifted, 346 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: when objectively they were. When they were asked to rate 347 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: that quality or their performance themselves, they still didn't see 348 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,960 Speaker 1: them is good enough. And that's the catch twenty two 349 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: of academic perfectionism and perfectionism in general, nothing is ever 350 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:12,720 Speaker 1: going to be good enough. Our status quo is to 351 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: view ourselves by our failures. Now, I promised i'd talk 352 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,960 Speaker 1: about procrastination, because it is an essential component of perfectionism, 353 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: especially as it relates to academic anxiety. Procrastination, really it's 354 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:31,280 Speaker 1: about putting things off, not because we're not capable, but 355 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:36,160 Speaker 1: because we don't feel mentally prepared to perform or complete 356 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: the task. And what this sometimes comes down to is 357 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:45,360 Speaker 1: self criticism, and of course the main culprit perfectionism. We 358 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: become overwhelmed by the idea that what we produce won't 359 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:55,600 Speaker 1: be perfect, and therefore we habitually avoid even starting it 360 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 1: or doing it. The mentality is basically, I'm not going 361 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:03,840 Speaker 1: to do something unless it's perfect, so I cannot even start. 362 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 1: And I remember a discussion I had with a friend 363 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,959 Speaker 1: of mine back when we were university together. She was 364 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 1: one of these people who would leave essays to the 365 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,080 Speaker 1: last minute. She would always be requesting extensions. I'd sit 366 00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 1: down in the library with her for hours and then 367 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,040 Speaker 1: realized by the time we'd left that she hadn't even 368 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,920 Speaker 1: begun the essay we were planning to finish that day. 369 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,680 Speaker 1: And God love her. She is one of the sweetest 370 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: people on this planet. But she said something to me 371 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 1: that really made me rethink what I now know were 372 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 1: her perfectionist tendencies, and that is that if she never tried, 373 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: she couldn't fail. She was so absorbed in being perfect, 374 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 1: and her self esteem was already weakened by this habit 375 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:54,159 Speaker 1: that she became paralyzed by her standards and she couldn't 376 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,160 Speaker 1: even attempt the thing that she was fearing. It's not 377 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:01,199 Speaker 1: just our grades and our academic performance where this is 378 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: a problem, but a lot of other areas that are 379 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: pertinent to our twenties, like applying for graduate jobs, making 380 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 1: life choices such as or where to go to university, 381 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:17,119 Speaker 1: where to live, even super minor questions and decisions, because 382 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 1: we get so caught up in this idea of this 383 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: needs to be perfect, this needs to be the right decision. 384 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,680 Speaker 1: I cannot make a mistake, I cannot somehow put myself 385 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,680 Speaker 1: on a path towards failure. And when you are in 386 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,880 Speaker 1: this mentality, when you are stuck in a rut, it 387 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: can be so crushing. The truth is you can never 388 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: be perfect. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's just 389 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:47,080 Speaker 1: I guess reality and something I think we all learn 390 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:51,560 Speaker 1: as we get older. But how can we integrate this 391 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:57,400 Speaker 1: understanding into our everyday behavior and move past our perfectionist tendencies. 392 00:28:57,840 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 1: It's not a death sentence, it's not a life center. 393 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: There are things that we can do so all of 394 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:12,360 Speaker 1: that and more In just a second. I've said it once, 395 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 1: I'm going to say it again. Life is not about 396 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 1: being perfect, and if you go through life believing that 397 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,600 Speaker 1: it is, your happiness is always going to rest on 398 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 1: your next failure. And I can assure you that there 399 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,320 Speaker 1: will be many, many in our twenties, many in our thirties, 400 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: many in our entire lives. So we need to learn 401 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:38,480 Speaker 1: how to either live with that reality or manage our 402 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:43,000 Speaker 1: perfectionism in a sustainable manner, and I personally would choose 403 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 1: the latter. There is a hard truth to swallow, though. 404 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,880 Speaker 1: This isn't going to be easy. If our assumptions about 405 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,560 Speaker 1: the origins of perfectionism are correct in that it is 406 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:58,440 Speaker 1: derived from our upbringing and internal, unconscious elements of our 407 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 1: personality and character, these are hard things to change. You 408 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 1: cannot go back to your childhood and change how your 409 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: parents spoke to you. You cannot reach into your brain 410 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 1: and rearrange what it looks like in there, but it's 411 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:19,520 Speaker 1: not impossible, and I do think the benefits definitely definitely 412 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 1: outweigh the effort imagine what it's going to be like 413 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: to do something and just be happy with it, rather 414 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 1: than fighting the urge to repeatedly go back and fix 415 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:34,080 Speaker 1: things or stress for days about whether what you did 416 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 1: was perfect. It's really liberating to let go of some 417 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,200 Speaker 1: of that anxiety and some of that stress. And there 418 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 1: are a few incredible methods that I would personally use 419 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 1: for this. I do use for this. I'm definitely someone 420 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: with perfectionist tendencies even when making these episodes. I'm just 421 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 1: going to break the fourth wall here, but I find 422 00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:01,120 Speaker 1: it so hard to relinquish control. And if something isn't 423 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,520 Speaker 1: exactly how I want it to be, if someone says 424 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,800 Speaker 1: something about how my voice was annoying or I pronounced 425 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:12,640 Speaker 1: something wrong, I spend like days thinking over it and 426 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,959 Speaker 1: wanting to change like this one small thing that like 427 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,280 Speaker 1: either no one notices or like one to two people. 428 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 1: But I think it got a lot easier for me 429 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,320 Speaker 1: when I realized that that it's just how my brain operates. 430 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,920 Speaker 1: But also that I can control my cognitions and my 431 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:34,520 Speaker 1: interpretation and my perspective of these events. A practice that 432 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 1: I've adopted is the eighty twenty rule. Now I don't 433 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: know where I heard this for the first time, but 434 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 1: since hearing about it, it is a massive part of 435 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,320 Speaker 1: my life. And I googled it because I was like, 436 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,960 Speaker 1: is this a big thing that I just have never like, 437 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:53,080 Speaker 1: I've heard of it once and I've never gone back. 438 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: But no. It actually typically refers to the idea that 439 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:59,360 Speaker 1: eighty percent of our results come from only twenty percent 440 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,040 Speaker 1: of our efforts. I think it's called like the Parado 441 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 1: rule or something like that. But how I like to 442 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 1: think of it is that an outcome in which eighty 443 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: percent is perfect and the other twenty percent is okay 444 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,600 Speaker 1: or average is still a good outcome If it saves 445 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: me time and it saves me anxiety. Striving for eighty 446 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:22,600 Speaker 1: percent on a test or getting eighty percent of your 447 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 1: daily task done, it's better than zero percent. If we 448 00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 1: let ourselves be paralyzed and that other twenty percent is negligent, 449 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,640 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. And I think this idea allows our 450 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:37,640 Speaker 1: brain to compromise with itself. We don't need to know 451 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 1: entirely give up our standards. But when they are coming 452 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: at the expense of important things in life, like balance, 453 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 1: like friendship, and the time to actually enjoy the good, 454 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:55,040 Speaker 1: joyful things, we should be okay with adjusting our expectations slightly. 455 00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,240 Speaker 1: So I always say to myself, eighty twenty rule, eighty 456 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:00,640 Speaker 1: twenty rule. It's okay if eighty percent of it is 457 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,600 Speaker 1: perfect and twenty percent of it is not exactly how 458 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,800 Speaker 1: you would like it, but it's still got done. Another 459 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:11,640 Speaker 1: defining feature of perfectionism, particularly when it comes to academic 460 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:17,760 Speaker 1: perfectionism and academic anxiety, is this unhealthy focus on our 461 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:22,440 Speaker 1: failures compared to our successes. This is what we call 462 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:26,640 Speaker 1: a compulsive preoccupation, and when we only think about the 463 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,800 Speaker 1: times that we haven't met alcohols or we have quote 464 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,360 Speaker 1: unquote failed, it can really lead to a distorted self image. 465 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 1: A friend of mine told me about an incredible strategy 466 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 1: the other day called grab the bullet visualization. I don't 467 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,000 Speaker 1: know if this is a real thing, but the way 468 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 1: she explained it to me was so powerful that I 469 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 1: had to share it. I was sitting down with her, 470 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:52,280 Speaker 1: I was just talking about something that happened was this 471 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:56,280 Speaker 1: tiny mistake, and I was obsessing over it. I had 472 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,680 Speaker 1: this compulsive preoccupation and I couldn't get over it. And 473 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,680 Speaker 1: she said to me, the idea that you need to 474 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,440 Speaker 1: think of the visualization that you need to have is 475 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 1: that life is going to throw us a lot of 476 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:13,560 Speaker 1: obstacles or so called bullets, and bullets are fast, but 477 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:18,120 Speaker 1: when we slow down, we can effortlessly grab the bullet, 478 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:22,680 Speaker 1: grab the failure and throw it aside. Failure is the bullet. 479 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:28,560 Speaker 1: Slow down, take it in, learn the lesson, and imagine 480 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:33,080 Speaker 1: yourself picking this tiny bullet from the air, not letting 481 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 1: it hit you, and throwing it away. You don't need 482 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:39,680 Speaker 1: to keep it. That's what we need to do with failure. 483 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 1: Imagine yourself grabbing failure, in this case a bullet, so 484 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,960 Speaker 1: that we can visualize it in the air, examining it 485 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:51,239 Speaker 1: for a second, learning the lesson, and then being done 486 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:55,600 Speaker 1: with it. And visualization, not just this exercise, but many 487 00:34:55,640 --> 00:35:01,680 Speaker 1: other types, is a fantastic psychological technique for refocusing our 488 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:05,120 Speaker 1: thoughts to be productive by imagining them in a new 489 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: context or as manageable. So if you are a perfectionist, 490 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 1: it can be really good to visualize your problem, especially 491 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,360 Speaker 1: as something that's a little bit ridiculous or imaginative. Positive 492 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:23,200 Speaker 1: self talk is also such an important part of our toolkit, 493 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,680 Speaker 1: and this really goes for everyone, even those who aren't 494 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:32,439 Speaker 1: struggling with perfectionism or academic anxiety. It's essential, i think, 495 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 1: for successfully managing failure and minimizing the impact that our 496 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:42,440 Speaker 1: unattainable standards have on our self respect, have on our 497 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:46,240 Speaker 1: self esteem, have on our wellbeing. We are no strangers 498 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,440 Speaker 1: to this idea on the podcast we talked about it recently, 499 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,480 Speaker 1: actually in our episode on the psychology of Lucky Girl syndrome. 500 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,800 Speaker 1: If you listen to that, you'll be familiar. But positive 501 00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:01,839 Speaker 1: self talk it comes from this discipline subdiscipline of psychology 502 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:07,239 Speaker 1: called positive psychology, and it involves cultivating an internal dialogue 503 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:11,640 Speaker 1: that makes you feel good about yourself, using phrases like 504 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:15,800 Speaker 1: I am more than my accomplishments, I am an interesting person, 505 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: I am valuable, I am confident my future is not 506 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:24,160 Speaker 1: defined by my failures. And treating these mantras that you 507 00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:26,799 Speaker 1: repeat every day or when you know when things get 508 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:30,280 Speaker 1: tough or you face a setback can be life changing. 509 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:35,440 Speaker 1: Remember the way that we speak to ourselves will impact 510 00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:39,400 Speaker 1: our behavior and will impact our perspective. I think it 511 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:43,839 Speaker 1: also goes without saying this is a psychology podcast, after all, 512 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:48,120 Speaker 1: But therapy can do wonders, especially if you get a 513 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:54,040 Speaker 1: psychologist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy otherwise known as CBT. 514 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:59,640 Speaker 1: Perfectionism is, after all, a thought pattern. It's a trait 515 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:03,240 Speaker 1: that in influences our behaviors, our thought patterns, and therefore 516 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:07,399 Speaker 1: how we view our problems and our failures and our successes. 517 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,680 Speaker 1: But if you go back to the root cause, that 518 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,680 Speaker 1: being our cognitions, and alter it to something more positive, 519 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:19,880 Speaker 1: the flow on effects can be really powerful. So the 520 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,480 Speaker 1: whole premise of CBT is that our behaviors influenced by 521 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,720 Speaker 1: our thoughts. If we change our thoughts, if we break 522 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:30,560 Speaker 1: them down, if we rationalize them, then our behavior will 523 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,600 Speaker 1: change and we will get the positive outcomes that we want. 524 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:38,759 Speaker 1: So I would really recommend it, especially if you are 525 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:43,680 Speaker 1: a perfectionist who is particularly worried about academic anxiety or 526 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:47,040 Speaker 1: anxiety really in any part of your life. Try and 527 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:52,040 Speaker 1: find a therapist who specializes in CBT. It will take time, 528 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,840 Speaker 1: but like I said before, you will begin to feel 529 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,680 Speaker 1: so liberated these problems will not be problems for you anymore. 530 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,400 Speaker 1: You won't feel that pressure to be perfect, and I 531 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:07,319 Speaker 1: think the world just becomes a lot more enjoyable. Here 532 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,279 Speaker 1: is your final reminder of the day. You do not 533 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:15,600 Speaker 1: need to be perfect. We are facing this changing society 534 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,360 Speaker 1: in which everyone is so concerned with success, with wealth, 535 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:25,279 Speaker 1: with perfect grades, with impressive resumes, and it doesn't have 536 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:29,840 Speaker 1: to be that way. You're allowed to sometimes fail. Nothing 537 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:34,280 Speaker 1: in life is perfect. Love isn't perfect. Nature isn't perfect, 538 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:39,400 Speaker 1: music isn't perfect, Art isn't perfect. And you are just 539 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 1: as beautiful and complex as those things. So you're allowed 540 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,080 Speaker 1: to have some flaws. It just brings texture to your life. 541 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:51,440 Speaker 1: It makes us much more interesting. I think also mistakes 542 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:54,640 Speaker 1: and failures and flaws they build character. They teach us 543 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:59,759 Speaker 1: incredible lessons. And it's about really thinking about is my 544 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:06,920 Speaker 1: life life worth completely killing myself for an academic outcome, 545 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:11,840 Speaker 1: for a particular grade, for something to be flawless. I 546 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,120 Speaker 1: don't think it is. Life is not made up of 547 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:19,279 Speaker 1: those things, you know, especially if you're someone in university 548 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,920 Speaker 1: or even high school right now. I know there's a 549 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:24,040 Speaker 1: lot of people under the age of twenty who listen 550 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,839 Speaker 1: to this. I promise you that your grades are not 551 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,279 Speaker 1: going to matter in five years, probably not even two. 552 00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:34,279 Speaker 1: Like I do not remember what I got on any 553 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,680 Speaker 1: of my courses when I was at university. I don't remember, 554 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,160 Speaker 1: you know, a test result that was only worth twenty 555 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,640 Speaker 1: percent of one of my subjects. Like those things don't 556 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:47,320 Speaker 1: matter to me anymore when I think back to that time. 557 00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,239 Speaker 1: What I do remember is the amazing friends that I met. 558 00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,960 Speaker 1: I do remember all the cool opportunities that I had 559 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,520 Speaker 1: to do, exciting things to do, things that had nothing 560 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:01,680 Speaker 1: to do with academic results. And I do just think 561 00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:05,200 Speaker 1: that's a worthwhile remind us sometimes we need to hear it. 562 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:07,680 Speaker 1: I know that if you are a perfectionist, it's a 563 00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:11,160 Speaker 1: lot harder because it can be so innate. But I 564 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,719 Speaker 1: would really encourage you to think about some of the 565 00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:18,080 Speaker 1: other options, think about how you can overcome this obstacle 566 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:22,880 Speaker 1: and view life as imperfect. Thank you so much for 567 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:26,120 Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I 568 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,640 Speaker 1: hope you learned something. For all of my people out 569 00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,760 Speaker 1: there who are currently still in UNI, still in school, 570 00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:37,560 Speaker 1: still slugging your way, big congratulations. I do not think 571 00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:40,799 Speaker 1: I could go back and do another exam or write 572 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,960 Speaker 1: another essay, it would just be oh my god awful. So, 573 00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:47,480 Speaker 1: especially if you're dealing with a bit of academic anxiety, 574 00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:51,400 Speaker 1: hopefully this provided you with an explanation as to why 575 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,600 Speaker 1: and some of the next steps, or if you are 576 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 1: procrastinating a lot. Perfectionism is one explanation, so I hope 577 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,719 Speaker 1: it can. I gave you something to think about. I 578 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:05,560 Speaker 1: really enjoyed making this episode. If there is a particular 579 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,319 Speaker 1: subject or idea or topic that you would like me 580 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,520 Speaker 1: to cover, please follow me at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. 581 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:17,600 Speaker 1: I love taking episode suggestions. I love when you guys 582 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,720 Speaker 1: do my job for me and give me my ideas, 583 00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:24,120 Speaker 1: So please follow me over there. If you would like 584 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,799 Speaker 1: to do so, send me a message. I would love 585 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:30,400 Speaker 1: to hear from you. And as always, if you enjoyed 586 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:33,400 Speaker 1: this episode, if you think that you have a friend, 587 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,600 Speaker 1: or a family member, or a work colleague, anyone in 588 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:40,120 Speaker 1: your life who needs to hear this, share it with them. 589 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:42,919 Speaker 1: You could change their day, you could change their month, 590 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,640 Speaker 1: you could change their life. Maybe not, but share it 591 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,839 Speaker 1: along and as always, if you feel cold to do so, 592 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:52,840 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever 593 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,800 Speaker 1: you're listening right now. It helps the show to grow, 594 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:59,000 Speaker 1: it helps to reach new people, and it also just 595 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,600 Speaker 1: makes my day. Make me so happy to hear your 596 00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:05,640 Speaker 1: incredibly positive reviews. I do read them all, and sometimes 597 00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,799 Speaker 1: I get a little bit tiary. So if you want 598 00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,239 Speaker 1: to see me cry, that's the easiest way to do so. 599 00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:14,240 Speaker 1: As always, we will be back on Friday for another episode. 600 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,040 Speaker 1: See you then.