WEBVTT - Does Everybody Have a Secret Sibling? with Mena Suvari 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:06.039 Hi, everybody. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This is Chelsea and Catherine. 0:00:06.280 --> 0:00:10.680 Hiy Hi, how are you? I'm great today? Are you? Um? 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:12.800 It's like, I mean, I think I've said this before, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.120 but it's finally sweater weather and I'm just really excited 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.120 about it. I'm with you on that. I'm with you 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:20.599 on the fall weather like vibes. I don't. Somebody said 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:22.320 it was going to be ninety this weekend and I'm like, well, 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:24.159 luckily I'm on tour and I'll never be home on 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:26.639 the weekend again. You can save the ninety degree weekends 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:30.080 for when I'm out of town. Not interested at all. 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.880 I'm interested in coming home, snuggling up to my two 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:36.479 furry beasts in my bed until they jump off the 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:39.760 bed after they've rejected me, and enjoying the cold weather 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:42.199 as well. So yes, I can see that you are too. 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:45.320 Catherine has just like sitting by the fire. A spooky movie. 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.760 That's what I want. A spooky movie. Really? What about 0:00:48.800 --> 0:00:50.680 have you seen the Halloween movie the New Halloween? No, 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:54.560 I haven't. Joson wanted to see that. Last night. I 0:00:54.600 --> 0:01:00.080 was like, you, guys, go, I can only watch that 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.520 during watch a scary movie during the day with the 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.520 lights on, because I get really scared. I've done that 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:07.559 with some friends before, and we call it spooky brunch. 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:10.440 We'll just like make a brunch and watch. When Hereditary 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:13.080 came out, it was too scary, and so one of 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:14.800 our friends wanted to see it. We'd already seen it, 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:17.520 and we said, come over for brunch. We just made brunch. 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:19.720 That's cute. I mean, that's a cute way to watch 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:24.640 scary movies, for sure. So I read Minas Suvari's book 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:29.800 The Great Piece, and it was pretty disturbing. A lot 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:33.800 of it in the book she talks about I had 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:37.000 no idea about her history. So she grew up as 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:40.959 a child actor very young, moved out here with her family. 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:43.920 They started out on the wealthier side of things and 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:46.880 then bounced around and started to kind of live like 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:49.440 a more toned down lifestyle. So I think she was 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:53.440 introduced to a style of living and then slowly, you know, 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:55.920 they started to pare it down. And then they moved 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.720 to California with the hopes of her acting and modeling 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:03.000 career taking off. And there seemed to be some form 0:02:03.080 --> 0:02:06.400 of neglect on their behalf because she became sexually active 0:02:06.400 --> 0:02:08.920 at a pretty young age. I also became sexually active 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:11.160 at a pretty young age, and I was neglected too. 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:14.920 So there's definitely a pattern with parents neglecting their children, 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:17.399 which is why I don't have children, because I would 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:19.800 neglect them. And I'm aware of this problem, just like 0:02:19.840 --> 0:02:22.280 I neglect my dogs. I know that's okay for dogs, 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:24.680 and I know it's not okay for babies. So I 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:26.800 would like some sort of fucking carbon credit for not 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:30.760 producing children. But in the book I I was talking 0:02:30.760 --> 0:02:34.040 to Joe about it, and I was just so she 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:38.480 gets into one relationship after another, and there's a lot 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:43.160 of sexual and emotional abuse, and her self esteem is 0:02:43.200 --> 0:02:46.000 in the toilet, and she doesn't have the tools or 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:48.760 the skill set to get out of these relationships. She 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:51.840 had a long term relationship with a guy that treated 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:56.240 her terribly that you know, she did like sexual coercion 0:02:56.240 --> 0:02:58.760 and things. Why had a sexual coercion. I'm doing a 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:02.160 lot of sexual acts that she didn't feel good about, 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:05.600 I didn't want to do, and just stayed in a 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:07.720 really she tried to leave several times, but he always 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:11.919 lured her back, and then that cycle of men just 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:15.960 kind of repeated and within that she was married I 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:18.600 think one or two or three times two times this 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:21.280 I think who's marriage too now is number three? Number three? 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:24.400 So she was married twice and both of those marriages 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:28.560 didn't work out obviously, because she was traumatized and it 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:31.359 wasn't it wasn't resolved trauma. And there's a lot of 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:34.560 addiction that she battled. She was doing crystal meth for 0:03:34.600 --> 0:03:37.120 a while. Then she was smoking pot, more pot than 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:40.360 I've ever heard about anyone smoking. Quite frankly, I was like, wait, 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:43.560 what and that's coming from you, I know, yeah, exactly exactly. 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:45.920 I was like, fuck, I don't even do that. I 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:47.920 haven't been smoking a lot of pot at all lately. 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:50.640 Now that I think about it, Oh my god, it's 0:03:50.680 --> 0:03:53.040 so strict happening. You know what else I stopped doing 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:56.040 is cracking my knuckles. That's I think from the grounding 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.960 map though. Anyway, I digress. This is a serious topic, 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:01.240 so let me address it with more respect instead of 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:04.720 getting sidetracked. And it made me really think about how 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:07.600 long it takes women to recover from sexual abuse and 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:09.920 the work that it entails, and it is almost like 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:12.200 a lifetime of work to get yourself to a healthy 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:18.160 place where you can understand that you were violated and 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.320 that your behavior is a direct reflection of that, and 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:25.960 your lack of trust in yourself is a direct reflection 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:30.080 of somebody stealing your trust and shrouding that as I 0:04:30.120 --> 0:04:33.000 love you, or as I'm the only one that loves you, 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:35.800 or as you're so important, or nobody else will love you, 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:39.720 and all of that is just such horseship. And so 0:04:39.960 --> 0:04:43.880 my hope is that anyone going through that that there 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:47.520 are listeners today that are have experienced this, or that 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:52.839 are at the precipice of discovering this about themselves and 0:04:52.839 --> 0:04:56.400 and stopping a pattern of abuse, whether it be emotional 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.479 or sexual. I really want you guys to pick this 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:02.000 book up because it is a clear view into the 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.559 psyche of how you break someone down. And she's lucky 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:08.599 that she was able to pull herself out of that. 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:12.320 Not everybody is. So it's an important book to read, 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:15.400 and it's quick. I read it yesterday and this morning. 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:19.039 So the addiction part is obviously a product too of 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:22.000 not wanting to feel pain. And when you think about that, 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:23.720 you know, it makes me I actually did think about 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:25.279 my pot use when I was reading it. Because I 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:28.520 was like, yeah, excessive use in any drug is always 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:31.760 covering up pain. You're trying to numb something, You're trying 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:34.159 to push that feeling back down. We're all familiar with 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:38.200 doing that, and there's a lot of freedom and power 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:41.880 in getting rid of those vices so that all your 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:44.640 feelings are going to bubble to the top. A lot 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:46.880 of people are scared for that to happen to them 0:05:46.920 --> 0:05:49.680 because they don't want to have those feelings. And I 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:52.440 would like to impress upon you that those feelings are 0:05:52.480 --> 0:05:54.039 the only way to get to the truth and to 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:57.720 get to being healthy right, and and feeling those feelings 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:00.320 is the only way to process them, even though it's hard. 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:02.760 Many people get to a point where they have to say, 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:05.600 is it harder to process these feelings that are really 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:09.039 difficult or is it harder to keep suppressing and keep 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:13.440 numbing and keep really like wasting parts of your life 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:18.720 on suppressing those feelings. Yeah? Right, It's never a fun endeavor. 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:22.800 I have a girlfriend who's going through something separation, and 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:28.280 she wasn't prepared to do to to go through any 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:31.760 sort of pain because she left him and she moved out, 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:35.080 and she kind of held all the cards, and then 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:37.960 she went on a big trip and she came home, 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:41.760 and of course all of the adrenaline from everything kind 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.279 of came crashing down, and all of a sudden, she 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:46.560 was sitting in the reality of the choices that she made, 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:49.200 which were the right choices, but for the first time, 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:52.040 she was questioning whether or not she made the right choice. 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:54.119 And I was telling her, you did make the right choice. 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.360 You're just now going through the grieving process. You delayed 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:59.880 your grief with all of this other distraction, with partying 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:02.280 in drugs, and I you know, I'm a total supporter 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:04.279 of drug use, but when you're covering up pain, it 0:07:04.279 --> 0:07:08.320 becomes very obvious to other people that something deeper is happening. 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:11.080 Just like when I used to drink excessively, that something 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:14.000 deeper was happening. I was covering up pain. And so 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:16.720 now that it came up for her, she's like, wait 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:18.800 a second, I wasn't expecting to feel this way. And 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:21.080 It's like, well, that's I've seen so many women go 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:23.840 through this. You're going to feel this way. It's going 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:26.560 to happen, and it's great to just take the weekend 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:28.200 and sit through it. I was, like I said to 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:29.800 her on the phone. I go, I want you to 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.720 stay at home, do what you know, and just whatever 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:36.000 comes up, let it out, get it out, out, out out, 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.920 and I guarantee you by Monday you'll feel better. And 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:40.680 she goes, I hope, So, I hope. So I'm like, 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:43.600 I know, So you're gonna feel better by just being 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:47.000 present with your own feelings of discomfort and pain, because 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:49.520 we all have the power to get through anything, we 0:07:49.600 --> 0:07:52.960 all do. Yeah, And having that support system of a 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.880 friend or a therapist or someone around you to be 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:57.960 able to encourage you to do those things is it 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.640 is invaluable. It's huge. Yea. And and that's another thing 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:03.680 she said. She goes, God, I've been reaching out to friends, 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.160 which is something I'm never I've never been comfortable doing, 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:09.280 and the response has been so overwhelming that so many 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:11.280 people want to help her and that are there for her. 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:14.200 And that's something that we're all so guilty of too. 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.440 People don't want to ask for help, and it's like, 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.600 that's what your friends are for, that's what your family 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:21.880 is for. Ask for help. People want to help you, right. 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:24.360 I want to help people all the time, and I'm 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:26.960 a bit so I guarantee you, you can find someone 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:31.120 to help you anyway. So that's who our guest is today, 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:33.720 Mia Sari. She wrote the Great Piece. That's her book. 0:08:33.760 --> 0:08:36.560 It's out and available, so a lot of you may 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:40.280 know Minasuari from American Pie American Beauty. One of the 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:42.560 things in the book she talks about is when she 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:46.120 was filming American Beauty, she was in the most toxic 0:08:46.200 --> 0:08:50.040 relationship that she had ever been in. And she was 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:53.200 this guy was, you know, wanting to bring women over 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:57.320 all the time, having three sums, and at first, you know, 0:08:57.400 --> 0:08:59.400 she didn't like that, and then she just got on 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:02.000 board with it and she was having sex with women 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:04.080 and her boyfriend three to four times a week. He 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:06.840 was showing up to set with women and it just 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:10.920 became their norm. And this was all while she was 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:15.160 filming American Beauty, in which she played the sexpot, the 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:19.120 you know, fantasy for a middle aged married man going 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:23.840 through his midlife crisis. She was the ultimate young, a 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:27.599 hot girl that he fantasized about that was going to 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:30.000 give him all the pleasure that he no longer got 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:32.280 from Annette Benning, who plays his wife in the movie. 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:35.120 It was a fucking awesome movie, but to hear the 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:38.080 backstory of what she was going through personally while she 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:42.920 was filming that movie. Uh was was heartbreaking. Yeah, and 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:44.920 it really ties into a lot of the questions that 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:47.680 we're going to get to today, some big questions, some 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:50.560 really tricky ones today. Okay, well, I'm glad I took 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:53.920 an extron. Well, I think we have to take a 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:57.400 quick break right now, so we'll be right back with Mina. Okay, 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:05.160 I'm gonna make a pp on the party. Hi, Mina, Hi, Hi, 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:10.600 can you see us? Yes, we can see you. Sorry, 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:15.720 I'm like, it looks like you're in a prison cell. Sorry, 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:20.640 are you in prison? Yeah? Just emotionally No, I'm okay. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.559 How are you doing. I'm good. I just read your 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:27.080 book yesterday and this morning on my plane ride home, 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:34.000 so I'm emotionally. You know, I'm emotional. It's fresh for you. Wow. 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:37.120 Thank you for reading it. Absolutely. I don't sunk around 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:39.400 when it comes to books and interviewing people. I take 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:43.000 that very seriously. Well, thank you and happy to be 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:46.200 here and talk. I'm happy to see your shining face. 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:48.320 I want to ask you a lot of stuff, but 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:52.200 it was really must have been very, very difficult while 0:10:52.240 --> 0:10:55.040 also cathartic for you to write all of that stuff down, 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.160 because some of it is so personal, and some of 0:10:57.160 --> 0:10:59.680 it is just so heartbreaking. You know, to even know 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:02.640 that your younger self or part of you had to 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.360 experience that kind of pain, even as an older person, 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:07.800 it's like almost like you're talking about your own daughter 0:11:07.840 --> 0:11:09.480 in a sense. You know, That's how I feel when 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:11.280 I look back at my childhood, I'm like, oh, that 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:15.760 poor little girl. So I'm I'm wondering how it felt 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:17.560 once the book came out. I know the book is 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:20.000 recent and it just came out a couple of months ago. 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:24.000 How did it feel to share all of this stuff 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:28.120 with the world. I mean very weird, because you know, 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:32.480 initially I felt so compelled to share it. I just 0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:38.559 had to express myself, and it had its own process. 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:42.040 I over the years, I had moved, and I had 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:45.439 my diary, and I had this book of poetry, this 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.040 binder that I had entitled the Great Piece, you know, 0:11:48.160 --> 0:11:51.480 from the past, that had traveled with me for so long, 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:54.719 and I finally just looked into it again, and at 0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:57.560 that moment, it was at least a couple of years ago, 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:02.040 I initially wanted to just publish the poetry book, I 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:05.800 felt like I could share enough, but not all of it. 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:10.480 And then through the process of sharing that with a friend, 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.160 and then I was sharing some of the stories that 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:15.760 went along with you know, some of my writings, because 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.160 some of them were even timestamped, are dedicated to a 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:21.719 specific person. They encouraged me to tell all of it. 0:12:21.960 --> 0:12:24.280 And so at that moment, I kind of, you know, 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:27.280 went back and I sat with myself and I just 0:12:27.400 --> 0:12:30.840 felt ready. It really was a personal thing, and I 0:12:30.960 --> 0:12:35.319 knew that that was part of it. I just got 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:38.880 to writing and it took me quite a while. So 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:41.120 then going into the process of like talking about it, 0:12:41.160 --> 0:12:42.960 I mean, that's very weird. I kind of referred to 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:45.600 it as like therapy with the world. You know, it's strange. 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:49.720 I'm like living my life in front of everyone. That's 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.120 very odd to me. But there's also something really beautiful 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.800 and there's so many things that have come out of this. 0:12:57.080 --> 0:12:59.920 I mean, this book isn't done for me. I'm still 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:03.920 very actively in therapy and love night therapist. Oh well, 0:13:03.920 --> 0:13:06.120 that's nice for those of you that are listening the 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:09.160 book as this is Mina Safari. As we mentioned, the 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:12.160 book is called the great piece, and it is a recollection. Uh, 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.640 it's a memoir, but it's a recollection of your whole 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:18.319 life and a lot of abuse that you encountered, sexually, 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:23.960 emotional abuse, just a series of running and running and running, 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.800 a series of relationships of going from one person to 0:13:26.840 --> 0:13:29.160 the next to try and heal old wounds. And which 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:30.920 is the stories as the old as time for so 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:33.880 many women. And I think it's always so powerful for 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:37.680 anyone to share their story, especially someone in the public eye, 0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:40.120 and when they can be candid and they can be honest, 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.280 because there are details in there that you know, I 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:44.360 was shocked to read. I was, you know, I was like, oh, 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:47.800 and I'm, you know, a shocking person. So I'm always 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:50.480 over sharing everything. So I was like, holy fuck, I 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:53.000 can't believe she wrote this and that you put that 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:55.080 stuff in there. And I just think it's so brave 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.120 and you should be applauded for that, because sharing your 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:01.880 story is helping so many people understand that they're not alone, 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:04.760 that other people experiences and other people and what they 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:09.040 think are powerful life positions are going through stuff like this, 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:13.200 And you know what happens when your parents aren't really 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:18.280 present for you in a meaningful way that helps shape 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:20.760 you and protect you during those years when you're coming 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:24.320 of age as a young woman, which is something that 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:26.440 you talk about a lot in the book, and your 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:29.640 relationship with your father who is no longer with us, 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:32.200 but who was much older, and your mom in the 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.200 distance and everything, and moving to l a and living 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:39.080 in that apartment complex that every young child actor lives in. So, 0:14:39.520 --> 0:14:42.720 I mean, obviously it's an ongoing journey for you. How 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.280 do you feel now about your life and where you're 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:48.720 at and your mental health. Oh, that's a good question. 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:51.800 I mean, I feel like it's an ongoing process. I mean, 0:14:51.840 --> 0:14:55.680 like I said, I love my therapist. I'm still very active, 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:58.840 you know, in working with her. It's I feel like, 0:14:58.920 --> 0:15:01.960 more than ever because of my son, I'm trying to 0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:04.280 do the work as as much as possible in a 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:06.960 way that I've never done before. A lot of it 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:08.600 is just up in the air for me now and 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:13.120 just trying to process it and and live in the gratitude. 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:15.120 I feel like so much of it for me was 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:18.560 just I totally felt like I was alone. You talk 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.960 a lot in the book about your weaknesses or what 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:25.080 you perceived to be your shortcomings or emotional weaknesses. What 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:27.560 do you think that you've learned about yourself through this? Like, 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:32.240 what do you think your strengths are? Definitely a survivor. Yeah, 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:37.760 I came across this excerpt. I think it's Agamemnon, and 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:42.200 it was the translation was to suffer, suffer into truth, 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:45.400 and I just thought it was so beautiful and so powerful. 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:48.120 And I don't know, I guess I tried to make 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:50.920 that one my own in a way, and I think 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:54.040 that that's my strong suit. I try to find solace 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:57.000 in that within myself. I know that I have the 0:15:57.040 --> 0:16:01.240 strength to keep going and I get working with the 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:05.400 vulnerability to share too. That's important for me to do now, 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:10.000 especially you know, when I can work with organizations like 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:13.160 Child Health, Invested Almar and because that to me is 0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:15.600 I feel like, this is just the real reason why 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:18.920 we're here, to share of our experiences, to help encourage 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:22.480 one another and to break cycles, right, to break cycles 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:27.560 of behavior, patterns of behavior, cycles of abuse. And you know, 0:16:27.640 --> 0:16:31.200 moving forward in your marriage with your husband now and 0:16:31.240 --> 0:16:35.680 creating a different kind of set of patterns, right, you 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:38.400 want to create change in your life? Yeah, not easy, 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:42.200 but trying to just be present, and I think also 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:48.240 understanding and working with the full spectrum of emotions, learning 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:51.400 to express oneself. The part of your book where you're 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:53.600 in the hotel room in Australia with you know, your 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:58.160 pilates instructor, and that shutting down, you know, emotionally when 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:00.480 you're being vulnerable, telling him something that you wanted to 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:03.280 share with him out of respect for your sexual relationship, 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:06.520 and then him reacting in that way and you shutting 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:08.440 down and kicking throwing him out. I mean, I can 0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:11.919 relate to that so much because it's such a default 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:14.159 that we go do you know, like when you're not 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.960 emotionally healthy, like you have two modes of operation it's 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:21.439 like aggressive or rejection. And how would you characterize your 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.760 marriage this time with your husband now in the way 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:28.359 that it's different than your past relationships. I try to 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:32.359 be as present as possible. We try to talk, you know, 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:38.000 address everything, just communicate and hold space for one another. 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:40.639 I think, you know, that's the work for me, is 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:45.159 understanding what those triggers are. It's doing the work for 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:49.280 me to try to understand what might really be happening 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:52.199 or how I might be reacting to it, you know, 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:54.359 it's that kind of thing. So I think we just 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:57.920 try to be present, communicate with one another about everything 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.960 so that it's um I think that's what I didn't 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:04.120 do enough of. And how did your mom and your 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:07.760 brother's react to reading the book? Good question? Haven't had 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:13.960 those conversations? Yeah? Really? Yeah yeah, But again that's not 0:18:14.080 --> 0:18:17.000 why I did this, you know, And it was important 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:19.440 for me to say like this. I was never trying 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:21.960 to write this as like a blame game. You know. 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:25.439 This was my experience and and my story and my 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:29.840 sharing of it. I think that's important for people to remember. 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:32.400 I'm curious and this is kind of a question for 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:35.280 both of you, but where is the point for you 0:18:35.320 --> 0:18:38.119 where you feel like with something traumatic like that, that 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:41.440 it becomes your story to tell, and you know, you 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:43.720 have to take the onus on yourself to tell your story, 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:46.800 even though it may hurt other people. I would say 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:49.080 that everyone has the right to tell their story, and 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:52.080 it's really not up to other people what your story is, 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:54.600 because that is your agency. But I always try to 0:18:54.640 --> 0:18:57.960 explain to somebody like you might think something that could 0:18:58.000 --> 0:19:01.680 be something so small like sentence said to someone could 0:19:01.760 --> 0:19:05.320 affect one person in no way and then it could 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:08.320 destroy someone else's world. So it just depends. You know, 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:12.240 I think, yes, we are entitled to share of our 0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:16.720 story and how that experience was for us. You know, 0:19:16.080 --> 0:19:21.040 I wasn't ever trying to say that no one else 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:24.840 had an opinion. And again, what was so great for 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:28.879 me is how there were people who because you know, 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:31.679 there were names changed, not all of them, but there 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:34.600 were people that knew who I was talking about. That 0:19:34.680 --> 0:19:38.479 was terrifying to me, actually grew out who that person was. 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:42.880 Where people wrote to me on a relationship that they 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:46.679 had with that person after me. God, yeah, it was 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:50.680 very powerful for me too. Yeah, it's funny. I had 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:52.680 I wrote one of my books. I changed the names 0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:54.639 blah blah blah. But I wrote about a friend of 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:57.120 mine and and it wasn't in the most complimentary way, 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:58.920 but it wasn't really. It was we all took a 0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:00.720 trip to Africa and she was a hot mass on 0:20:00.720 --> 0:20:02.680 the trip, so it was kind of you know, neither 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:05.520 here nor there, nothing super incriminating or anything like that. 0:20:05.560 --> 0:20:07.560 But she was pissed about I had sent her the 0:20:07.560 --> 0:20:10.159 book before I had changed her name, her description, and 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:12.320 she got so upset about the book and then I 0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:13.920 had dinner with her a couple of years later, and 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:15.880 I was like, oh, I have a new book coming out, 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.040 and she leans in she goes, is it about me again? 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:21.000 And I thought, and I said no. And the fucking 0:20:21.040 --> 0:20:24.359 other one wasn't about you either, Like relax. It was 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:27.880 so annoying that she took this section of my book 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:30.720 that was one chapter and made the entire thing about her, 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:34.600 and while it was, you know, a component of many, 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:37.280 many stories and many chapters in my book, and then 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:40.160 had the temerity to think that I would write about 0:20:40.200 --> 0:20:43.720 her again after the last round of annoying nous that 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:46.760 they caused, It's like, no, I would never do that again. 0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:50.760 Dedicated it to you. Yeah, yeah, exactly to your fake name, 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:52.800 so you won't know who it is either. See if 0:20:52.800 --> 0:20:55.600 you can figure that one out anyway, Mina, I'm glad 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:57.439 that you're doing so well. I mean, this is a 0:20:57.440 --> 0:20:59.919 really courageous thing and a courageous book. I really want 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.919 everyone to read this because it's important to know, you know, 0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:05.840 about the experiences that you don't have when you're growing up, 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:08.359 and to kind of feel other people's pain, because it 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:10.600