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Speaker 1: Hey, it's Bobby Bones. Appreciate you listening to The Bobby

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Speaker 1: Bones Show podcast. I wanted to share an episode of

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Speaker 1: one of our podcasts from the Nashville Podcast Network. In

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Speaker 1: this episode of The Velvet's Edge, Kelly talks to psychologist,

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Speaker 1: author and ted X speaker Jolie Hamilton about how to

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Speaker 1: get the relationship that you want. Some psychoanalysis stuff here.

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Speaker 1: I think you'll like it. They talk about trust and

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Speaker 1: jealousy and triggers, owning your side of the street, not

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Speaker 1: just romantic but even a friendship. They also discuss tips

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Speaker 1: on what to do between relationships if you are bouncing

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Speaker 1: from one to the next, if you're not married yet

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Speaker 1: or engaged yet, or maybe you're gonna try it again.

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Speaker 1: All that's here. Subscribe to this podcast if you like

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Speaker 1: it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

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Speaker 1: podcast to search out The Velvet's Edge. Hope you like it.

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Speaker 1: A little dabble here here's the show. Okay, Well, it's February,

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Speaker 1: which obviously is easily known as the month of love,

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Speaker 1: so I felt like relationships would be a really good

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Speaker 1: topic to kind of approach in different different aspects of

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Speaker 1: relationships this month is what I'm focusing on above a such.

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Speaker 1: So I wanted to talk to you a lot about

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Speaker 1: relationships as we have them now, especially if you are

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Speaker 1: an entrepreneur, which is what you kind of specialize in,

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Speaker 1: and I don't. I've never thought of it in these

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Speaker 1: terms of just how would being an entrepreneur affect my

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Speaker 1: whole life or my dating relationships, my partnerships. And I

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Speaker 1: was doing a lot of research with the stuff that

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Speaker 1: you've researched, and I thought about it. I'm like, of

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Speaker 1: course it does, Like that just makes total sense. So

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Speaker 1: a lot of the relationship work that you do is

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Speaker 1: just around the dynamic of a woman who is also

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Speaker 1: an entrepreneur. So can you tell us what are some

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Speaker 1: of the things that you see people bumping up against

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Speaker 1: in these situations? Oh? Yeah, absolutely. So I approach relationship

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Speaker 1: work as being like it is whole life work, right,

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Speaker 1: Your relationships impact everything. But I've also been an entrepreneur

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Speaker 1: my whole life. I've only ever worked for other people

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Speaker 1: a tiny little smidgeon and I think that that informed

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Speaker 1: how I approach my relationships. And what I mean is

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Speaker 1: when people have an entrepreneurial attitude, so you don't have

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Speaker 1: to be like in a startup or you know, a

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Speaker 1: one woman show, to be entrepreneurial. Entrepreneur comes from the

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Speaker 1: French to manage, right, like people who are doing their

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Speaker 1: own thing, And that's a lot of us. I think

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Speaker 1: people who are out there getting stuff done, making a life,

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Speaker 1: whether they're piecing it together from a bunch of different

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Speaker 1: jobs or a bunch of different ideas, that they're just

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Speaker 1: like glomming together into a career. Those people, they know

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Speaker 1: that they're in the driver's seat of their life, right.

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Speaker 1: So people who approach their life that way in their career, well,

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Speaker 1: sadly they don't always translate that skill into their home life,

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Speaker 1: into their love life. In fact, some of the people

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Speaker 1: I know who have struggled the most when they're dating

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Speaker 1: or trying to settle into a nice long term relationship,

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Speaker 1: they can really thrive in they're so smart and they're

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Speaker 1: so brilli and so able to like knock things out

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Speaker 1: of the park in business. And then they just make

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Speaker 1: these same mistakes over and over again. And so I

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Speaker 1: wanted to approach this problem and say, let's transfer the skills.

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Speaker 1: You know, entrepreneurs are good at tolerating risk and communicating

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Speaker 1: in hard situations and learning how to diversify what they're doing.

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Speaker 1: Those are transferable to our relationships. But we have to

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Speaker 1: think about it that way. So that was where the

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Speaker 1: idea for this came, and I just started walking down

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Speaker 1: that road. Why doesn't that translate out? That's interesting to

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Speaker 1: think about it that way, because if you go to

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Speaker 1: work every day, especially if you own your own business,

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Speaker 1: every day is different. You're approaching different problems, you are

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Speaker 1: met with different risk, like you said, and there's a

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Speaker 1: lot to navigate and you kind of have to just

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Speaker 1: roll with the punches. It's a lot about finding solutions,

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Speaker 1: you know, and not focusing on the problem. Why aren't

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Speaker 1: we just naturally doing that in our relationships Because Freud

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Speaker 1: was wrong about a lot of things, but he wasn't

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Speaker 1: wrong about everything. Okay, you got one thing right, and

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Speaker 1: that is that our early life impacts how we walk

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Speaker 1: around in the world. Right. So I'm not a Freudian.

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Speaker 1: I kind of loosely follow my Jungian training, but I

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Speaker 1: know that as bright and shiny as I am when

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Speaker 1: I am in a boardroom or I am working on

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Speaker 1: a new deal, when I'm at home and I'm dealing

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Speaker 1: with a tough situation with my lover, it is so

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Speaker 1: much more natural to my body, Like it feels right

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Speaker 1: in my body to act out the patterns that I

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Speaker 1: saw early in life. So my primary caregiver's relationships or

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Speaker 1: whoever I was witnessing, like you know, most of us,

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Speaker 1: it's our parents, but it might be anybody who forms

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Speaker 1: that core idea of what it means to love each other.

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Speaker 1: And then chips and we look to be loved in

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Speaker 1: those same ways our bodies do, like we look for

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Speaker 1: it with our like most unconscious self looks for these

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Speaker 1: patterns that weren't necessarily helpful. How many of us were

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Speaker 1: raised in a household where we could truly say our

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Speaker 1: parents just they just did love well. They were communicative

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Speaker 1: and gentle with each other and supportive. Like parents make mistakes.

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Speaker 1: I'm a parent. I have seven kids. I screw up.

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Speaker 1: They're going to have to go out in the world

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Speaker 1: and figure out how to deal with the wounds that

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Speaker 1: I've left them. Each generation has that right. So this

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Speaker 1: burden that we bear, it shows up in love so

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Speaker 1: much more than it shows up in business because in

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Speaker 1: business we we like put on our let's engage our

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Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex. I show up and I try to apply

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Speaker 1: myself in this very structured way. But then the body

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Speaker 1: can't stay that way all the time. So we want

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Speaker 1: to come home and we want to come into this

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Speaker 1: secure space. Or we can make mistakes and we can

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Speaker 1: bump up against each other and out lots of vouches happen,

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Speaker 1: and then we get stuck in a pattern. We just

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Speaker 1: repeat it over and over. And that's where I feel

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Speaker 1: like we always have the opportunity to interrupt our habits

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Speaker 1: and patterns, but first we have to notice that that's

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Speaker 1: what's running the show. Right. So while you may put

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Speaker 1: your armor on and go to work and operated one way,

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Speaker 1: when you come home, you do want to let your

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Speaker 1: guard down and you do sort of want to relax

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Speaker 1: into stuff. But that may also look like bringing in

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Speaker 1: the baggage from your past. I never thought about it

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Speaker 1: that way. Yeah, yeah, and you know, we want to

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Speaker 1: There are a lot of ways to have relationship and

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Speaker 1: choosing what I call actually there's this great scholar has

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Speaker 1: a wonderful word, soteriological. A soteriological relationship is one that

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Speaker 1: is like salvational. It's an individuating relationship, it's spiritual, it's

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Speaker 1: deeply connecting it. It helps you draw yourself forward. I'm

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Speaker 1: like your unique life path. I think most people want

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Speaker 1: that kind of relationship, but it's not what we it's

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Speaker 1: not what we ask for day to day, day to day. Instead,

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Speaker 1: we worry about whether the trash got taken out, whether

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Speaker 1: the kids need to get to nursery school. We were

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Speaker 1: worried about whether there's food on the table, and we

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Speaker 1: don't attend to these like the souls call to be

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Speaker 1: in these like big, juicy relationships. So it's about as

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Speaker 1: much as anything, we have to make a decision to

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Speaker 1: invest in our relationships. It's not an easy one necessarily.

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Speaker 1: I'm laughing and smiling so much because I cannot wait

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Speaker 1: to make my boyfriend listen to this podcast do anything

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Speaker 1: about me. I mean, this is what you just described

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Speaker 1: is how I live my life. And I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it's because a failed relationships passed or if it's

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Speaker 1: a part of just my personality or maybe the combination

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Speaker 1: of both. But I'm almost I have to almost focus

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Speaker 1: on not being so hyper vigilant in avoiding the problem

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Speaker 1: that you know, like I'll overthink it before it even happens.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn some something that's not actually even happening. Yes, so,

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Speaker 1: and in my head, the only way for me to

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Speaker 1: not bring in the stuff from my childhood or stuff

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Speaker 1: from other relationships is to do therapy together. And so

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Speaker 1: that's been a very very big thing for me in

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Speaker 1: my adult relationships. And I was reading something that you

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Speaker 1: said though, where you're like, yeah, but if you have

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Speaker 1: a resistant partner, this doesn't mean you have to just

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Speaker 1: drag them to therapy to have the kind of relationship

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Speaker 1: that we're talking about. But how else, how else do

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Speaker 1: you do it? I don't know. I think that is

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Speaker 1: a really okay. First off, I applaud your like including

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Speaker 1: therapy because I am pro therapy. I think it's awesome,

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Speaker 1: and I know from my own experience. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: spent six years in joint Jungian analysis with my current

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Speaker 1: primary partner, and that makes all the difference absolutely. But

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Speaker 1: I have also been in relationships and I've witnessed lots

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Speaker 1: of people in relationships where that partner is resistant, and

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Speaker 1: the poll to therapy just winds up becoming a point,

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Speaker 1: like a stuck point where now we can't do anything

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Speaker 1: because all we argue about is whether we're going to

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Speaker 1: go to therapy or not, or I go and then

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Speaker 1: I resent you and now I have something to be

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Speaker 1: mad at you about. That isn't actually the problem, right,

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Speaker 1: So if that is part of the relationship, I like

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Speaker 1: to think of it two ways. If everything is healthy

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Speaker 1: from the perspective of, like there's no overt abuse going on,

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Speaker 1: there's no covert coercive abuse going on, and both parties

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Speaker 1: are committed to the idea of the relationship, like we

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Speaker 1: want this relationship. If those boxes are all checked, another

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Speaker 1: option is to seek out a coach. A coach doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily therapize, Like a coach may actually your feet to

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Speaker 1: the fire and say, y'all committed to this kind of relationship.

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Speaker 1: So we're gon, we're gonna set some goals and we're

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Speaker 1: going to actually work through some processes that are designed

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Speaker 1: to get you to where you want to go. That's

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Speaker 1: a very different space to hold than therapeutic space, where

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Speaker 1: we're validating feelings. We're staying with whatever the slowest pace

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Speaker 1: is in the room, we stay at that pace. They're

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Speaker 1: just two different ways of approaching the process. So some

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Speaker 1: people who are resistant to therapy aren't resistant to the

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Speaker 1: idea of like, hey, actually we're okay, we just need

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Speaker 1: a little coaching to be better. And then if you

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Speaker 1: still have resistance, some people are really cut out for

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Speaker 1: self managing these situations. And that's what self help books

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Speaker 1: were invented for, you know. I mean, I think they

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Speaker 1: got kind of a bad rap in like the nineties,

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Speaker 1: like everybody was turning to self help books. But sometimes

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Speaker 1: all you need is a few good ideas to really

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Speaker 1: turn the corner in a relationship. So I gain about it.

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Speaker 1: In a relation to a business or an entrepreneurhip, we

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Speaker 1: do these things every day. I know for me, I'm

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Speaker 1: constantly doing research about you know, other ways I can

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Speaker 1: grow my business or trying to create a better business plan,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm putting in the work at work to grow that,

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Speaker 1: And so why wouldn't I do that within my relationship

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Speaker 1: as well, even doing the research or seeking outside help

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Speaker 1: counsel anything like that. Like I do love the idea

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Speaker 1: that you said. It just takes the same mindset that

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Speaker 1: we would bring to a business. Absolutely, So I ran

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Speaker 1: across the gym. I've owned twelve businesses. It's been a

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Speaker 1: journey through all sorts of things. But for a while

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Speaker 1: I owned I was lead trainer for across it. And

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Speaker 1: when I was doing that, I knew that I constantly

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Speaker 1: had to adapt to the changing circumstances, Like that was

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Speaker 1: a really volatile business to be in. And at the

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Speaker 1: same time, I was in a relationship that was struggling,

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Speaker 1: like big time struggling, like needed therapy, did therapy with

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Speaker 1: snailing all over the place. It was really really hard,

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Speaker 1: and yet we were really in love. And it was

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Speaker 1: when I realized that I needed to apply my full

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Speaker 1: the full power of my decision making processes and all

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Speaker 1: of those things. When I started applying that and said

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna study relationships out of that disaster. By all accounts,

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Speaker 1: we should have ended in a flaming pile, and instead

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Speaker 1: we're super happily married, and like I discussed myself with

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Speaker 1: how happy we are, so like it is possible to

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Speaker 1: just put in the effort to change the habits and

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Speaker 1: focus on a different set of things, because we get

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Speaker 1: caught up in focusing on, like, you know, two or

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Speaker 1: three things, and often they're not the real source of

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Speaker 1: the trouble in our relationships. And then something else I'm

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Speaker 1: hearing in that too, is I love. I just love

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Speaker 1: equating this to business because I think that's a lot

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Speaker 1: easier for people to not get so emotionally volatile when

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Speaker 1: I think about you know, like it doesn't feel so

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Speaker 1: personal maybe, but it just in thinking about In my

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Speaker 1: partner's defense, he's very good at trying to find the

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Speaker 1: thing that he can hear me on that is a

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Speaker 1: one tangible thing that he could change that he know

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Speaker 1: that he knows means so much to me, even if

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Speaker 1: he thinks it's stupid, he can hear it and go, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I know that this is super important to Kelly, and

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Speaker 1: so I'm going to try day by day to make

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Speaker 1: this a part of my practice or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And that's what we do for our coworkers, right, Or

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Speaker 1: if you're a buy you do to all the employees

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Speaker 1: is you listen, because that's how business grows and it's

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Speaker 1: not it's a dictatorship and that never works out. It

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Speaker 1: never works out. Yeah, absolutely, So that would be one

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Speaker 1: tip to me, would be just because everyone wants to

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Speaker 1: just be heard, right, And I think partnerships a lot

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Speaker 1: of times that is the one place where we just

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Speaker 1: get a little set in our ways and we're just like, no,

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Speaker 1: I can't hear that, or do we take it personal

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Speaker 1: or anything, or we can't hear it the way that

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Speaker 1: it's being presented and we get caught in. I need

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Speaker 1: it to be presented in a very specific way or

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Speaker 1: I will reject. Right. So, if he's going out of

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Speaker 1: his way to you know, to show up and do

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Speaker 1: something that you know is important, if you can actually

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Speaker 1: just see that and see that he may not do

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Speaker 1: it the exact way that you were hoping for, but

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Speaker 1: if you can acknowledge first that he showed up and

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Speaker 1: then he's trying and he's doing and then over time

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Speaker 1: ask for tweaks. That is, you know, the arc of

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Speaker 1: a change, of a transformation, right, we want change so instantaneously.

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Speaker 1: These are long story arcs. You know we're talking about

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Speaker 1: If you want to be a lifetime partner, you could

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Speaker 1: be talking about anywhere from you know, ten to fifty

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Speaker 1: years together, right, So allow it to be a process.

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Speaker 1: And you're going to have many different relationships. You're going

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Speaker 1: to be married lots of times in that merriage, right

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Speaker 1: in different in these evolutions of you. So just letting

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Speaker 1: him grow the pace that he is and show up

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Speaker 1: for you as he can today, that's powerful. It's powerful

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Speaker 1: for you too, So That's so true, because you're exactly right.

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Speaker 1: When I actually see him taking the steps, even if

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Speaker 1: it's not what I would or how I would do,

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Speaker 1: it is basically the way that my brain works. It

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Speaker 1: means so much to me to watch him try. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so if I can focus on that part of it

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Speaker 1: instead of like, oh, well we did it, but like

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Speaker 1: I wanted it this way, Stiff, you know, wait, right?

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Speaker 1: Why it's so interesting the thing about change I do.

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Speaker 1: I just want it right overnight, I set I wanted this,

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Speaker 1: this is how I need it, so do it that

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Speaker 1: way or whatever. But that kind of defeats the purpose

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Speaker 1: and starts a whole other argument. Right, it's when we

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Speaker 1: it's so easy to get caught in our desire for control. Right.

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Speaker 1: We don't control the world, and we just don't. So

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Speaker 1: we wink up every day and there's an awareness in

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Speaker 1: us that we don't control the world, and that awareness

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Speaker 1: is terrifying to our inner self. Right, so we try,

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Speaker 1: we reach and we look for ways that we can control.

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Speaker 1: And it's not like we're overtly walking around saying I'm

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Speaker 1: going to control these things. In fact, it doesn't feel

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Speaker 1: like we're trying to control anything but control gives us

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Speaker 1: a sense that we have some say in how this

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Speaker 1: thing called reality, how we interact with it. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: it feels good to say I want it done this way,

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Speaker 1: and yet in fact we want variety, we want novelty,

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Speaker 1: We want our partner to be different from us. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be married to myself. That does not

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Speaker 1: sound good, so I want him to be different. But

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Speaker 1: I also wanted to do it my way. Is that

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Speaker 1: really true? So I use that question. I check myself,

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Speaker 1: is it true that I want him to do it

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Speaker 1: exactly my way? And if I've really let that sink in,

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Speaker 1: then I remember that in fact he's actually gentler than

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Speaker 1: I am. He's slower paced, which drives me bonkers. But

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Speaker 1: it also means that there's this like calm wave, like

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Speaker 1: oh wait, I love those things. So let go of

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Speaker 1: the control a little little bit and allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: be part of this world that, unfortunately we'll cause some damage,

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Speaker 1: will cause some ouch. It's not easy to be alive, right,

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Speaker 1: that's someone lastic on the podcast that it's not easy

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Speaker 1: to be human. It's just not not an easy one.

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Speaker 1: I love thinking about control, equating that to safety. I

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Speaker 1: don't think I really put those two together. But I

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Speaker 1: do the same thing. I think, if I can get

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Speaker 1: it this way or fit it in this box, get

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Speaker 1: everyone to do what I need them to do, especially

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Speaker 1: at home, then I'm safe. And that's just not it's

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Speaker 1: a false sense of security, for sure. It is. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: We we love the idea of permanent, immutable safety. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I mean, which feels like sure, that's natural. And so

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Speaker 1: maturity is coming to understand that we actually can be flexible,

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Speaker 1: resilient and have the capacity to allow ourselves to bend

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Speaker 1: and to change and then and then adapt to that change.

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Speaker 1: And I mean there are big structural things that are

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Speaker 1: going to hurt us and you know, big things that

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Speaker 1: need change in this world. So if we if we're

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Speaker 1: always worried about trying to control the infantasmal little bits

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Speaker 1: of our life, I don't think we can apply that

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Speaker 1: energy like to to the bigger world change we actually

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Speaker 1: want to see, and that's you know, huge scale, business scale,

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Speaker 1: and like our family, like sometimes I think if I

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Speaker 1: if I control everything and get it the way I want, honestly,

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Speaker 1: I couldn't do anything else. It would be it would

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Speaker 1: be a full time job just to make sure that

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Speaker 1: the spoons are lined up right. Well. Also, when you

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Speaker 1: were just saying that, I was thinking, well, how boring

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Speaker 1: would that be? I know, board and probably create some

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Speaker 1: new drama because that's just what I do. So yes, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because the poll between wanting security and wanting novel real

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Speaker 1: esther Parrel talks about that them that paradox, right, we

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Speaker 1: want both and that's not just for sex, that's everything

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Speaker 1: we want this pull yeah subconscious. So okay, if people

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Speaker 1: are listening and you know, we're talking about a relationship

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Speaker 1: and making or working on the relationship that you're already in,

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Speaker 1: that you're currently in. And so if people are listening

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Speaker 1: and they're unfulfilled in their relationship and they're doing that

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Speaker 1: back and forth of like yeah, but you know X,

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Speaker 1: Y and Z, and I don't know if this is

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Speaker 1: something that could change over time, And how do you

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Speaker 1: know when it's too much to keep doing the work

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Speaker 1: and to keep trusting that over time the baby steps

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Speaker 1: are going to add up to be something that works

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Speaker 1: versus it's just time to get out of this relationship

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Speaker 1: and go This is the hardest question that I get,

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Speaker 1: and I think that it is I take a breath

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Speaker 1: breath with it when someone asks me personally if they

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Speaker 1: should stay or go, I always feel the immense responsibility

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Speaker 1: that comes with them, even having asked the question, even

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Speaker 1: though I'm going to say, of course, I can't make

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Speaker 1: that decision for you, right, But I take a breath

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Speaker 1: with it because in truth, I don't think it matters.

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Speaker 1: I think that what matters is that you decide for

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Speaker 1: yourself yes or no, that you stop staying on the

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Speaker 1: fence and that in between space, and that you either

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Speaker 1: commit and you get in. You're both feet in or

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Speaker 1: you're both feet out. That liminal space is of limited use.

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Speaker 1: Liminal space means we're in the in between, and it

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Speaker 1: can be transformative. But if you stay there too long,

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Speaker 1: all you're doing is hedging your bets. You're not in

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Speaker 1: the relationship and therefore you're not going to be showing

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Speaker 1: up with your full self. And whatever your partner's doing,

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Speaker 1: those baby steps or whatever, they may not even really

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Speaker 1: touch you. So I say it's not so much whether

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Speaker 1: you stay or go, but that you decide one way

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Speaker 1: or the other, and then you decide to work on

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Speaker 1: your side of the street. You decide to get in

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Speaker 1: and do your work, because if you change, you're part

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Speaker 1: of a system. You change, the system will change. So

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Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you should stay. If somebody's being abusive, coercive,

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Speaker 1: or you just decide you don't like them anymore, leave,

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Speaker 1: that's fine. I am. I am no fan of staying

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Speaker 1: just for staying sake. In fact, I think that we

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Speaker 1: give far too much weight to the idea of longevity

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Speaker 1: being the measure of a perfect relationship. I know plenty

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Speaker 1: of people who've been married for fifty years, but don't

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Speaker 1: hold hands at their at fifty at the anniversary party.

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Speaker 1: That is not what I'm shooting for. What I'm shooting

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Speaker 1: for is I'm all in. I'm showing up, and I'm

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Speaker 1: here not just for my growth but my partner's growth

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Speaker 1: and vice versa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I think,

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Speaker 1: to me, I notice it's such a difference in my

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Speaker 1: life when I'm in a relationship with dating relationship or

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Speaker 1: a romantic relationship and when I'm not. And my life

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Speaker 1: actually a lot of times when I'm on my own

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Speaker 1: seems a little less chaopic, you know, it seems it

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Speaker 1: seems just I don't know, there doesn't seem to be

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Speaker 1: as much that I'm bumping up against. However, what I've

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Speaker 1: learned now is I always pick a partner who's going

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Speaker 1: mirror the exact thing that I need to work on

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Speaker 1: in my life. And yeah, you know, as frustrating as

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Speaker 1: it can be, sometimes I have to remind myself of

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Speaker 1: that because if I'm bumping up against something or my

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Speaker 1: partner's bumping up against something, to me, it's no mistake

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Speaker 1: that we are exactly the people that we are in

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Speaker 1: the relationship that we're in, because it only allows healing

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Speaker 1: if you really are willing to do the work exactly

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Speaker 1: you just name you named it. It's we pull ourselves

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Speaker 1: into these situations. We get ourselves into these situations where

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Speaker 1: we have the opportunity to grow. Whether we whether we

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Speaker 1: decide to or not, that's another that's another question. You know,

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Speaker 1: we do have to decide to. And if you find

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Speaker 1: yourself having landed in a relationship or landed in like

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Speaker 1: the tenth relationship in a row, where the same kind

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Speaker 1: of dynamic is happening, then that's the time to take

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Speaker 1: yourself to therapy. That's not about the relationship. Get yourself

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Speaker 1: to therapy and start from there, because just taking a

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Speaker 1: year off even and doing intense therapy with enough time

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Speaker 1: like all the time that you right now relate to

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Speaker 1: a person and spend like trying to make it work.

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Speaker 1: If you worked on yourself that way, how much different

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Speaker 1: would your life feel? And I mean that was an

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Speaker 1: invaluable time for me to like the time when I

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Speaker 1: focused on, oh, I have to change my patterns. I

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Speaker 1: grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household, which meant I

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Speaker 1: was terribly dysfunctional in my first marriage. It really didn't

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Speaker 1: matter what he was doing. It mattered that I finally

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Speaker 1: decided to try over, try again with myself. Yeah, oh,

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Speaker 1: I love that trying it with yourself. And I also

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Speaker 1: think that it's it's not one or the other, you know.

430
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,080
Speaker 1: I think that it's like you said, it depends on

431
00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:47,280
Speaker 1: maybe the time or the place you are in your life.

432
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 1: I've done a lot of my own individual work, so

433
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,879
Speaker 1: much so that I used to be like, why am

434
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,760
Speaker 1: I not fixed yet? You know, like this is just

435
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,440
Speaker 1: like this is I'm done with that, right, Like I've

436
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,240
Speaker 1: done enough therapy, I've done enough intensives, done enough whatever.

437
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 1: And again it would be bumping up against myself in

438
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 1: these relationships and my therapist. Actually, you know, I'd say

439
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,600
Speaker 1: like why am I still in this place where I was.

440
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: She's like, this is not the same place. Yes, deeper place,

441
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:15,560
Speaker 1: and this is the layer that you would not have

442
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,679
Speaker 1: been able to get to if you hadn't done all

443
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 1: that work. But maybe there's still some wounding that needs

444
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 1: to be healed. Yeah. Yeah, I love the image of

445
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,640
Speaker 1: the spiral for that if because we always come back

446
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,680
Speaker 1: sticky spot, It's going to be in the same spot

447
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,719
Speaker 1: in the spiral, but we come back to it at

448
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,680
Speaker 1: a deeper layer. We never step in the same river twice,

449
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 1: you know. Harro Clytis said that like four thousand years ago,

450
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 1: and we really don't. We're not just recapitulating. We may

451
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,639
Speaker 1: be recapitulating stuff from our childhood, but we're not just

452
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 1: doing that. If we're doing that while also bringing ourselves

453
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: to new layers of awareness, then these new ways that

454
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 1: we're not showing up for ourselves or were, or we're

455
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: letting ourselves down like really like out of integrity with

456
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 1: our If you bring awareness to that, that's the opportunity

457
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 1: for growth right there. Even just becoming aware like I

458
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,200
Speaker 1: can't believe I'm doing this for the tenth time. Yeah,

459
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 1: so frustrating that pit in my stomach. You hit a

460
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 1: chord with me with that for sure. Yeah. Yeah, you

461
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,600
Speaker 1: can't just stop behaviors, right Like, I mean, you cannot

462
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:23,359
Speaker 1: will yourself to stop something, and I have tried. Yeah,

463
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 1: there's certain things that I get triggered, and if I'm

464
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 1: not aware of the trigger or where it's coming from,

465
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,960
Speaker 1: I cannot stop right right, It's not gonna stop. So

466
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:37,480
Speaker 1: people talk about wanting to cure things like jealousy or

467
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,239
Speaker 1: something like. That's something that's like an over and over

468
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,960
Speaker 1: again problem for them. They want to cure it. So

469
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,159
Speaker 1: I studied union psychology, and the reason I'm so glad

470
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: I did is this so young psychology is pretty old.

471
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 1: We're you know, we're going back to early twentieth century

472
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: for most of his writings, and in there he talked

473
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 1: about complexes, and a complex is agreed concept. It's it's

474
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,600
Speaker 1: just this idea that there's this like spot, this sticky

475
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,960
Speaker 1: spot in your soul or your being or your mind,

476
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,679
Speaker 1: however you want to think of it. It's a sticky

477
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 1: spot that collects It's like really easy for it to

478
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,240
Speaker 1: collect up more energy. So over a course of a lifetime,

479
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,240
Speaker 1: it gets more and more stuff happening to it. So

480
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 1: jealousy maybe becomes a sticking point for you or or

481
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 1: your or your father, the way you relate to your father,

482
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 1: the father complex, or the way you relate to um,

483
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: somebody who always lets you down. Right, So we get

484
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 1: these sticky spots and we keep collecting this energy around him.

485
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 1: That complex just stays with us exactly like you said,

486
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,960
Speaker 1: it just it just cannot be thought out of. We

487
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 1: can't think our way out of it. So instead Young

488
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: talked about you don't get rid of them, because that's

489
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,000
Speaker 1: actually your life force. If you tried to get rid

490
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: of it, you would actually be like it's it's a

491
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 1: psychological death. You'd be you'd be like taking out your

492
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: your libido, your energy. So instead, we want to learn

493
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,480
Speaker 1: to dance with that complex, how to how we want

494
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,240
Speaker 1: to get to know it better and better, so that

495
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,360
Speaker 1: when we circle back around and we're like, oh, we're

496
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,200
Speaker 1: here again, we're like, Okay, I know how to dance

497
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: with this. I'm gonna I'm gonna move with it, and

498
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,600
Speaker 1: we're gonna let it happen in a new way because

499
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,000
Speaker 1: just because we're triggered, we don't have to respond in

500
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 1: the same way we always have. Right, you can identify

501
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:28,440
Speaker 1: what's happening, and then do something different because what's being hit.

502
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 1: So you mentioned a couple of different ways to kind

503
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,800
Speaker 1: of turn your trajectory around. So it's you know, maybe

504
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,320
Speaker 1: there's people listening who aren't even in a relationship at

505
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,159
Speaker 1: all right now, and they're taking the break that you

506
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 1: mentioned and they're working on themselves. How do you not

507
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,280
Speaker 1: make the same mistakes the second you start dating again

508
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: and you're really wanting to find another relationship, but you

509
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:52,400
Speaker 1: want to do it differently, right, Okay, two things are

510
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 1: really really important. The first is that when you're doing so,

511
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,160
Speaker 1: when you're taking your time off, or you're or you're

512
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,359
Speaker 1: in between, and we're in the midst of some time

513
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 1: that's tough to date, Actually take that time off. Don't

514
00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: spend all the time that you're that you're not dating.

515
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 1: Don't spend it looking at dating sites and thinking about that.

516
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:16,840
Speaker 1: Really turn the mirror, like look inside. Take the time.

517
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,720
Speaker 1: Actually take the time, do the therapy, do the homework,

518
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 1: read the books, do all the things. Then when you're

519
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:28,680
Speaker 1: ready to start again, get an accountability partner, like pull

520
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 1: in a friend somebody who has seen you make the

521
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,640
Speaker 1: same mistakes over and over again. Somebody that you can trust,

522
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: because often we do have great friends there and they

523
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 1: do see these things, or maybe we have a sister

524
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:44,240
Speaker 1: or whatever, ask them to help you see what you

525
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:50,480
Speaker 1: can't see. We so often pit our friendships against our partners,

526
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: and this is part of why, because our friends have

527
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,960
Speaker 1: a little bit of distance from it. They know us

528
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,560
Speaker 1: a little bit, and they're like, you're doing it again.

529
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,120
Speaker 1: And if we would just believe ourselves, if we just

530
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,640
Speaker 1: believe our friends and say, oh I am okay, so

531
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 1: we can get an accountability partner on and just like

532
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 1: debrief the date, but not from the this went bad,

533
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,959
Speaker 1: this went good? But from how did I show up

534
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,160
Speaker 1: at that date? Was I people pleasing? Was I trying

535
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 1: to perform? Was I like laughing at jokes that weren't

536
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 1: funny because I was trying to lean into the relationship

537
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,720
Speaker 1: or I'm inventing a relationship that hasn't even started yet.

538
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 1: Because those are all really common moves, especially for women.

539
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 1: They're really really common moves. Yeah, so call yourself out

540
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 1: by just having that, you know, a fifteen minute chat

541
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: after a date, like, uh, I did it again, So

542
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 1: I'm not actually showing up the way I want to

543
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,840
Speaker 1: cool I'm gonna take a breather, I'm gonna I'm gonna

544
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,240
Speaker 1: do another worksheet. I'm gonna like check in with myself,

545
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: you know, turn to my higher guidance, whatever tools you're using,

546
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: there's lots and lots of them, and then I'll try again.

547
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: So you're just bringing awareness to it. But that accountability,

548
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 1: the external accountability, helps you make it real because we

549
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,480
Speaker 1: will just trick ourselves inside, like we form these little

550
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: diads inside of us and we're like, oh, no, you

551
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 1: totally got this. It's totally fine. This is going to

552
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:18,560
Speaker 1: be different this time. Yeah, don't believe. I don't believe that. Well. Also,

553
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: I think it that involves because I was thinking, oh,

554
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: that's a great idea to have an accountability partner, and

555
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 1: I was thinking of myself in that situation. I think

556
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,960
Speaker 1: it would involve a lot of letting go of the

557
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: shame of I'm doing this again, because to me, I'm

558
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 1: a perfectionist. I want to do you know, I want

559
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: to say I learned that lesson, I'm done with it.

560
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,640
Speaker 1: And instead, sometimes if I'm doing something again, I want

561
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 1: to hide for my friends because I don't want to

562
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 1: be called out because I'm embarrassed that I can't, Like

563
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 1: we were talking about just stop of behavior. Yes, So

564
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 1: the reason I I say somebody you trust is because

565
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:58,320
Speaker 1: this is shamework. This is the way that we get

566
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 1: out of the stories from our childhood is to actually

567
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 1: come face to face with our shame and address it,

568
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 1: address it the same way we would a small child.

569
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,440
Speaker 1: We have to go through a process with ourselves. You know.

570
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 1: The whole concept of like inner child work is you know,

571
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,480
Speaker 1: it's so it can feel so gooey, right and like,

572
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:22,000
Speaker 1: oh goodness, I'm gonna have to go there. Yeah, for

573
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 1: parts of it, you really do have to be as

574
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 1: tender with yourself as you would with a three year old. Right,

575
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: So if you have if you have no idea that

576
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: you feel shame, you probably have so much shame that

577
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 1: it's piled to the ceilings. Right. We all have our

578
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: shame spots. So yeah, allowing that this is a way

579
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 1: to actually I think this is the best way I've

580
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: ever deepened my friendships too. So while we're talking about

581
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,680
Speaker 1: dating and romance, all of the stuff that I write

582
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 1: about in the book and all the stuff that you

583
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: do to have a conscious relationship, do that with your friends.

584
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 1: So if you're not ready to date again, how about

585
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 1: a conscious friendship. How about really deciding to have the

586
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: hard conversations, lean into the awkward moments, expose these parts

587
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:13,400
Speaker 1: of ourselves that feel really tender and scary, and try

588
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,440
Speaker 1: that first before we worry about whether we can find

589
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 1: somebody who's supposed to be our lifelong partner and somebody

590
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:21,560
Speaker 1: who's great in bed and they look just the way

591
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: we want, and they're going to co parent with us perfectly,

592
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 1: and they're going to do all the things friends. I

593
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: have a mentor who says when she kind of isn't

594
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 1: she's you know, I think she's seventies. So she's had

595
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 1: a lot of experience with bumping up against herself, and

596
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: she has a funny way of just kind of pulling

597
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,680
Speaker 1: herself out of the shame when she does something, or

598
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: she'll be triggered and she's starting to do a behavior again,

599
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 1: she notices it. Now, that's the blessing of having life experience,

600
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:54,600
Speaker 1: and she says, she just says herself, up, I'm doing

601
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 1: that again, giggling at herself in a gentle way, and

602
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,680
Speaker 1: it releases the shame and it's just like, oh, I

603
00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 1: don't like how that feels. So I'm not going to

604
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 1: do it that way. I know that from experience, you know,

605
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: but not going into the place of judging ourselves for

606
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: doing certain things again or getting in certain mindsets again

607
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: those tapes that play over. Yeah again, that is a

608
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,440
Speaker 1: wonderful tip because I mean, laughter is the only way

609
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:22,640
Speaker 1: to deal with the messiest emotions, like really gentle laughter,

610
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 1: Like oh yeah, you got to have a sense of

611
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:28,440
Speaker 1: humor to be flexible and resilient, you really do. So

612
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 1: that's a wonderful way to approach. Yeah, the way that

613
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: can feel. If anyone thinks that inner child work is

614
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:38,479
Speaker 1: not real, take out a picture of yourself as a child,

615
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: and for me doing that kind of thing in therapy,

616
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 1: and you literally all look at a picture of myself

617
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 1: as a seven year old or something and starts sobbing.

618
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 1: So something is real, you know. I mean, oh yeah,

619
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,200
Speaker 1: you're connecting to something that I just think we all

620
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 1: try to push down and not deal with because it

621
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,360
Speaker 1: can be very painful. Yeah, and it works with our

622
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 1: partners too. So recently, my father passed away, and so

623
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 1: I was pulling pictures out of the house and I

624
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 1: found this old picture of myself. I'm little and I

625
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 1: stuck it on the fridge, and I noticed that my

626
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,680
Speaker 1: partner would stop and look at it, and so we

627
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 1: put a picture of him up too, And I thought, oh, yeah,

628
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 1: the acknowledgement that inside of us lives this little person.

629
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 1: And so I actually with all my I have seventeenagers,

630
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 1: so there's a lot of hormone and a lot of

631
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,080
Speaker 1: stuff going on in this house. I changed all of

632
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,319
Speaker 1: their like their text faces, I changed them back to

633
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,279
Speaker 1: their baby faces, just to remind myself, like, okay, that

634
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 1: text was coming from a place where they aren't totally

635
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:42,680
Speaker 1: feeling safe and secure. How would I respond when they

636
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:46,840
Speaker 1: were five? Chill out and be nice. I love that

637
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:50,000
Speaker 1: idea with the partner. I'm actually gonna do that. Yeah,

638
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,120
Speaker 1: it's it's so helpful. Yeah, when you think of them

639
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,239
Speaker 1: as that child, I mean, it's so hard to just

640
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,439
Speaker 1: I just want to hug him and love on him.

641
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 1: Of what you know, And so I think that we

642
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,319
Speaker 1: can always remember that part of our partners. That would

643
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,000
Speaker 1: be such a good way to have more empathy and

644
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:11,400
Speaker 1: grace with each other. That's the word empathy and grace. Absolutely, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah,

645
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:14,520
Speaker 1: Well you kind of touched on jealousy earlier. And I

646
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,120
Speaker 1: was telling you earlier that I watched your TEDx talk

647
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:20,719
Speaker 1: about jealousy, and I find it fascinating because this is

648
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:22,640
Speaker 1: definitely something I struggled with in my life. I was

649
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: cheated on in a major way in an engagement, and

650
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,480
Speaker 1: so it's you know, I've really had to do a

651
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: lot of work around those insecurities in my relationships that

652
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,920
Speaker 1: have been after that. And again, it's one of those

653
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:37,400
Speaker 1: things it doesn't just go away. And I know, for me,

654
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 1: I've always felt very that that was just maybe me

655
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 1: in a box of a person who was cheated on

656
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 1: that deals with jealousy. Now, but you say, the jealousy

657
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,919
Speaker 1: is a very normal thing and a very normal part

658
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:55,719
Speaker 1: of a relationship. So why what about so I studied jealousy.

659
00:35:55,840 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 1: I have studied jealousy full time for a decade, and

660
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:07,919
Speaker 1: jealousy is entirely typical, entirely human, and the person who

661
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: doesn't experience jealousy is by far the rare case. Like

662
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:18,239
Speaker 1: by far, so jealousy is. Let's define it first, real quick.

663
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:23,120
Speaker 1: Jealousy is the real or imagined fear of an interruption

664
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 1: of the love bond, right, And it's important that it's

665
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: real or imaginary. It doesn't matter whether something's literally happening

666
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:34,239
Speaker 1: or we just think something's happening. Jealousy can pop up

667
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,360
Speaker 1: anytime we think that or feel that there could be

668
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,839
Speaker 1: a separation between us and our object of desire, who

669
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 1: we love and we want, and that is rooted right

670
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:47,280
Speaker 1: in our primal brain. It's right from our very first

671
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 1: interactions with our primary caregiver. Right, we are helpless. We

672
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 1: are in a state of complete love from the point

673
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:59,800
Speaker 1: of I am entirely dependent on you. And if mom

674
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,040
Speaker 1: or dad or whoever is caring for us can't come

675
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 1: in that second, there's an interruption, and that is a

676
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 1: survival level problem. Right, So baby's crying survival level interruption problem.

677
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:14,560
Speaker 1: Baby doesn't know whether they're going to come back. Right.

678
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:18,879
Speaker 1: That self still exists in us, and so when we

679
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: imagine or experience that disruption of the love bond, we

680
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 1: are right back to survival brain. Jealousy is this complicated mess,

681
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:33,960
Speaker 1: and it brings anger and fear and sadness and shame

682
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: and grief, and these are big, gloppy emotions and they're

683
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:41,040
Speaker 1: all stuck together and we have to deal with them.

684
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:42,759
Speaker 1: But we often deal with them just like, oh, it's

685
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 1: it's jealousy. It's just jealousy just comes before jealousy all

686
00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 1: the time. Like just no, not just jealousy. It's huge

687
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,239
Speaker 1: and it is normal. I actually love that idea too,

688
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:57,000
Speaker 1: because or framing it that way, because the just jealousy

689
00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:00,440
Speaker 1: thing or like that person is just a super jealous person.

690
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: Like it's not as simple as a personality trait or something.

691
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,200
Speaker 1: What I heard a lot, and maybe this is because

692
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: of the own work I'm doing right now, attach attachment.

693
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,600
Speaker 1: What I heard a lot in that is, you know,

694
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:19,040
Speaker 1: the fear of abandonment and just kind of those security

695
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:21,840
Speaker 1: things that we so strive for. It, especially in a

696
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,120
Speaker 1: love relationship, because you're the most vulnerable I think you

697
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,120
Speaker 1: can be in that position. And so the panic that

698
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:29,759
Speaker 1: comes with that is that what causes jealousy. Yeah, So

699
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:34,640
Speaker 1: most of us attempt, whether we succeed or not, we try,

700
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:38,720
Speaker 1: we attempt to transfer our attachment bond to our partner

701
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 1: later in life, right, and so that the transfer of

702
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: that attachment bond over to our partner, depending on how

703
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:48,200
Speaker 1: successful it is, you know, whether we actually are able

704
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: to so, because there are those people who stay completely

705
00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:54,080
Speaker 1: attached to someone who's not their partner, or stay really

706
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:58,640
Speaker 1: in the pockets of their parents. But once that transfer happens, well,

707
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,320
Speaker 1: now it is a survivor of all instinct that kicks

708
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:04,839
Speaker 1: in that says I have to have I to I

709
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 1: have to hold I have to close everything around this

710
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,960
Speaker 1: and keep it safe. We can hold a relationship really

711
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:16,839
Speaker 1: gently and be in a trusting state only when when

712
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 1: our nervous system is calm, when we're able to self regulate,

713
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:24,000
Speaker 1: when we are conscious of the triggers that are going

714
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:27,000
Speaker 1: to pop up for us, and when we've established through

715
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,520
Speaker 1: an incremental building of trust, you know, in order to

716
00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:34,839
Speaker 1: we often place all the focus of jealousy on what

717
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:37,720
Speaker 1: the other person is doing. But what if we stepped

718
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 1: away from that and just said, what can what do

719
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 1: I trust that person to do? Where am I in

720
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 1: this relationship? Because we often rush. It's just like this

721
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,760
Speaker 1: instant thing like we're we're either dating and it's super

722
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,359
Speaker 1: casual or boom, we're in a relationship and now I'm

723
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 1: supposed to trust you completely, You're supposed to trust me completely.

724
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,560
Speaker 1: We and we're supposedly we agree on a set of rules.

725
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,640
Speaker 1: Most people never have the conversation to establish what the

726
00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 1: actual parameters of their relationship agreement is and so now

727
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: you're just essentially walking a tight rope blindfolded and hoping

728
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:18,279
Speaker 1: it works out. I don't recommend it. Well, that's such

729
00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: a good point about establishing the rules because I know,

730
00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:26,319
Speaker 1: for me within a relationship, if we can't I don't

731
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 1: want to call them ground rules, but set the boundaries

732
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:34,080
Speaker 1: around certain conversations or certain situations. I never can get

733
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:37,040
Speaker 1: that calm in my nervous system that you're talking about.

734
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 1: So no matter what's actually happening, my body is telling

735
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 1: me no, no, no no, no, no no no, you're not safe.

736
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 1: You're not safe because we've never set up you know

737
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,400
Speaker 1: what the guidelines are, and although they may change over time,

738
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 1: and I think that's something I'm learning too, is boundaries,

739
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 1: you know, change and they're fluid and all of these things.

740
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:59,319
Speaker 1: But like setting the ground the foundational conversation of this

741
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:01,640
Speaker 1: is what I want, This is my goal, This is

742
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:05,000
Speaker 1: the conscious part of our decision of this relationship is

743
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:10,080
Speaker 1: so integral for me feeling safe. Yes, absolutely, And there's

744
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:12,719
Speaker 1: no shame in saying the word ground rules. Like when

745
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 1: you're talking about setting up a relationship would be what

746
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,719
Speaker 1: would be more normal than walking into a new job

747
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 1: and saying, okay, so what's expected of me? You want?

748
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 1: Who wants a job with no job description? That would

749
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 1: be horrible. I've had those. They're terrible. I And as

750
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:32,480
Speaker 1: a business owner, I always have to define the parameters

751
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 1: for everybody I'm working with, right and when there aren't

752
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,960
Speaker 1: clear parameters, there's no repercussion that I can actually put

753
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 1: in place, and there's no way for them to know

754
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: when they're succeeding either. So it's really an unfair place

755
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:48,840
Speaker 1: to start a relationship from. And when people are practicing monogamy,

756
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 1: often they just rely on the idea that there's this

757
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,600
Speaker 1: cultural norm that like, I've had a lot of conversations

758
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:57,040
Speaker 1: that start off with me saying, so, what's your monogamy agreement?

759
00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:00,560
Speaker 1: And the person says to me, well, you know the rules.

760
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:03,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, but what are the rules? Tell me?

761
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: Just tell me more about the rules, and they'll tell

762
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,239
Speaker 1: me a little bit about the rules, and I say,

763
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:09,319
Speaker 1: so when did you talk about these? So like I

764
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:13,520
Speaker 1: mean he knows, Like, okay, so let's go back to

765
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 1: ground zero and talk our way through this. Because explicit

766
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:20,760
Speaker 1: communication isn't just about making rules that make you feel safe.

767
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: It's actually about being vulnerable and asking for what you want,

768
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,120
Speaker 1: which is how you can get what you want. Cannot

769
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:31,759
Speaker 1: ever feel secure and safe if you're just trusting that

770
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:35,960
Speaker 1: someone has read your mind and will deliver it to you. Right,

771
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,440
Speaker 1: And also, what are you actually even trusting that? I

772
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 1: guess you're saying, but like to me, now that I've

773
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:47,080
Speaker 1: gotten order, had been through bad relationships or you know,

774
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,640
Speaker 1: cheating relationships with a trust was broke, and I probably

775
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 1: was just thinking, oh, we know, we do think the same. Yeah,

776
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 1: we have the same boundaries within a relationship. Now I'm

777
00:42:56,239 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: understanding how important those conversations are. Just we're establishing even

778
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:07,320
Speaker 1: just communication between the two of you so that you know, okay,

779
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 1: when he leaves this house, we have said this thing,

780
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,840
Speaker 1: and if that isn't how this goes, that is a

781
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,600
Speaker 1: boundary violation to our relationship, right, right, Because that's what

782
00:43:17,719 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: cheating is. People talk about cheating as if we have

783
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:23,239
Speaker 1: some definition of it. We don't not really we you know,

784
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:26,840
Speaker 1: like lots of people think cheating is sex with another

785
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 1: part another person, or flirting with another person. Cheating is

786
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 1: the breaking of any relationship agreement. Right, So I'm I'm ethically. Notice,

787
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:42,000
Speaker 1: so for me to lie about a relationship and keep

788
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:46,799
Speaker 1: it a secret, that would be the violation, not the connection. Right.

789
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,839
Speaker 1: So if we think about that, then how about if

790
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 1: we reframe what relationships are all together and just say,

791
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,800
Speaker 1: your relationship doesn't just depend on the agreements. Your relationship

792
00:43:57,040 --> 00:44:01,880
Speaker 1: is the agreements. It is them. So start by having

793
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 1: a relationship where we establish and this could go for

794
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 1: your friendships too, establish what the ground rules are, and

795
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 1: with that you can establish. So how will we to negotiate,

796
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: how will we come to a new conclusion. So in

797
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: my marriage, we re up every three years. We have

798
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,960
Speaker 1: a whole month long conversation that happens every three years

799
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 1: where we really get into it. We talk about finances

800
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,240
Speaker 1: and sex and religion and politics and all the stuff,

801
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:28,120
Speaker 1: just to make sure that we still both want to

802
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:31,120
Speaker 1: be in this. And I have a friendship that I'm

803
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 1: actually doing something similar with, like just actually saying, like

804
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,360
Speaker 1: at the outset when I was super nervous about this friendship,

805
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,399
Speaker 1: I'm like, the one thing I need is to know

806
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:43,759
Speaker 1: that you won't just withdraw your friendship, that you'll just

807
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:48,359
Speaker 1: tell me that you're withdrawing, And if you could please

808
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 1: just give me like a half an hour conversation where

809
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:54,279
Speaker 1: you just say why if you could commit to that now,

810
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:56,520
Speaker 1: then I could commit to being more vulnerable with you,

811
00:44:56,920 --> 00:45:00,960
Speaker 1: and so we carefully built trust. I would of having, like,

812
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 1: what an awkward thing, like I was sitting at dinner

813
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:06,000
Speaker 1: with just a friend and I had that conversation, and

814
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:10,799
Speaker 1: that's the groundwork. The rules can all be built out

815
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:14,839
Speaker 1: of those little awkward conversations. Yeah, so what would you say?

816
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,799
Speaker 1: Because I feel I know that this is a generalization,

817
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:22,080
Speaker 1: but I know amongst my relationships with my girlfriends, we

818
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 1: are very open about this kind of stuff or insecurities

819
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:27,760
Speaker 1: and voluntality and all of that stuff, and it seems

820
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 1: a little more difficult for men. So I'm imagining that

821
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:35,600
Speaker 1: in most relationships as conversations could be difficult, and especially

822
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:37,200
Speaker 1: if you know, we don't even have to put it

823
00:45:37,239 --> 00:45:39,280
Speaker 1: in a men and women things say one partner's wanting

824
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,799
Speaker 1: to have those conversations and the other partner's like, we

825
00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 1: don't even talk about this, and they're uncomfortable. What would

826
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 1: you say? How do you approach a situation like that?

827
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 1: Does that mean the relationship can't work? Or is that

828
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:53,080
Speaker 1: just one of these tough things to navigate between two

829
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:56,719
Speaker 1: different mentalities. I think a lot has to go into

830
00:45:56,760 --> 00:45:59,479
Speaker 1: this because first off, we need to take the whole

831
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:01,480
Speaker 1: context in two questions. So if you've been in a

832
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 1: relationship for like twenty years and all of a sudden,

833
00:46:04,719 --> 00:46:06,799
Speaker 1: I want to be super vulnerable and I want to

834
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:10,360
Speaker 1: start this process and my partner's like what that was? We?

835
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 1: Whoa where did this even come from? Let's take that

836
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:16,759
Speaker 1: into account that we tend to have a lot of

837
00:46:16,760 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 1: inertia in our relationships. We just want them to kind

838
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,920
Speaker 1: of continue the way they've been. So springing this on

839
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 1: someone and saying this is how I want our relationship

840
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 1: to be and then being mad if they're not immediately

841
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 1: on board. That's a lot versus say at the get go,

842
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:34,239
Speaker 1: you know you're in the first ten dates, say and

843
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 1: you're like, so this is where I'm headed. This is

844
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: actually what I'm looking for, And if somebody is resistant there, yeah,

845
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:43,080
Speaker 1: that's a big red flag for me. I would say

846
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 1: they don't actually want the same type of relationship. It

847
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: would be like having a different orientation, Like you could

848
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 1: have a relationship with two different orientations, but is it

849
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,879
Speaker 1: going to satisfy everything that you want? Think carefully about

850
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 1: whether it will. You can definitely make a relationship with

851
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: any person, no matter how much disagree with them, but

852
00:47:02,719 --> 00:47:04,879
Speaker 1: you do have to think about whether you're actually still

853
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:09,560
Speaker 1: going to be in integrity with yourself. Wow. Yeah, yeah,

854
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: that's really good. But that's why it's so important to

855
00:47:12,719 --> 00:47:15,680
Speaker 1: do this early on, Like, yeah, because that's where a

856
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:18,200
Speaker 1: lot I think a lot of resentment probably comes from too.

857
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 1: Within relationships. Definitely, definitely. I mean I built a whole,

858
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:24,040
Speaker 1: a whole marriage. I was, you know, with somebody for

859
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,680
Speaker 1: seventeen years, and we were married for thirteen and when

860
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:29,520
Speaker 1: I wanted to renegotiate, there was no process in place

861
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:34,759
Speaker 1: for a renegotiation, so it broke us completely. But in

862
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:38,960
Speaker 1: the partnership I'm in now, renegotiation is built in so

863
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,640
Speaker 1: we and we both know how that happens, and we

864
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,359
Speaker 1: know what happens if it escalates. We know what our

865
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: next step will be like if if if talks break down,

866
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:50,479
Speaker 1: what will we do next? You know, if we can't

867
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 1: resolve it. And having that in place means that I

868
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:56,960
Speaker 1: feel the safest I've ever felt, and I didn't even

869
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,440
Speaker 1: know that was possible. In fact, at one point I

870
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:02,359
Speaker 1: would speak pretty loudly about the fact that I wasn't

871
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:04,680
Speaker 1: sure that security was even a thing we should talk

872
00:48:04,719 --> 00:48:08,239
Speaker 1: about in relationships, because I had been so hurt that

873
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 1: I thought, screw that, there's just no such thing as

874
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 1: security in relationships. It's not anymore. On No, it's not.

875
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:17,600
Speaker 1: I now know that that's not true, but I had

876
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:20,239
Speaker 1: to come to know it in myself, like deep in

877
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,920
Speaker 1: my body that it was going to take like a

878
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:27,520
Speaker 1: whole rewiring. And it's taken eleven years to feel really

879
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:33,240
Speaker 1: truly secure in this relationship. That is, it's a long

880
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:39,640
Speaker 1: story arc overnight. We said that earlier. Yeah, yeah, that's

881
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:42,280
Speaker 1: always a good reminder for me because I want everything

882
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:47,879
Speaker 1: right now. That's it exactly. Well, you have a book out.

883
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:52,040
Speaker 1: It's called Project Relationship, The Entrepreneur's Action Plan for passionate

884
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:55,920
Speaker 1: sustainable Love. Yeah, tell us about the book. So I

885
00:48:56,000 --> 00:49:00,279
Speaker 1: wrote the book because, well, for two reasons. One, a

886
00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:03,520
Speaker 1: friend of mine was going through like just bad relationship

887
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 1: after bad relationship, recognized it and was asking me a

888
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:08,840
Speaker 1: lot of questions and I had I had thoughts and answers.

889
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:11,400
Speaker 1: So I started thinking, oh, I should collect these, and

890
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:15,000
Speaker 1: then I realized, you have seven teenagers they're all gonna

891
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 1: have relationships stuff, and I'm a little morbid. I was,

892
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 1: so I got this middle of the night terror one

893
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,279
Speaker 1: night that I would die and I wouldn't have like

894
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 1: left the many instructions. My feet hit the floor four

895
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 1: fifteen that morning, I ran to my keyboard and I

896
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:33,200
Speaker 1: started typing, and all of this just sort of came

897
00:49:33,239 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 1: out in a month. It was just like out because

898
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:39,080
Speaker 1: my way isn't the right way. But I learned this

899
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 1: stuff the hard way. I made every mistake, I walked

900
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 1: down every hard road and dead end. So I wrote

901
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:49,239
Speaker 1: it down and I tried to simplify it. It's not

902
00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:52,560
Speaker 1: like this long, beefy memoir of like my tales of woe.

903
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:55,799
Speaker 1: I'm sure I'll write those at some point, but some

904
00:49:55,840 --> 00:49:58,000
Speaker 1: of them are just such a hot mess. They're hysterical.

905
00:49:58,480 --> 00:50:01,520
Speaker 1: But this is like the distill. Like I wanted a

906
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:04,879
Speaker 1: book that even so my kids will probably not want

907
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 1: to turn to this book, but theoretically that they could

908
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:10,319
Speaker 1: just pop open and say, like, I can't figure out

909
00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:13,720
Speaker 1: what boundaries even mean, and it's you know, twelve pages

910
00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:18,520
Speaker 1: of big type and three clear action steps to take

911
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: to make a difference. I wanted something that you could

912
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:25,279
Speaker 1: like actually make a change today in your relationship. And

913
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: I focused on entrepreneurial attitudes for the reason we said

914
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:31,600
Speaker 1: at the beginning, because I think that that's actually the

915
00:50:31,640 --> 00:50:34,760
Speaker 1: wave of the future. We are all entrepreneurial at this point.

916
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 1: There's there's sort of no way out of that. Yeah,

917
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:40,719
Speaker 1: So I wrote the book in the hopes that we

918
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,640
Speaker 1: would all just have like a quick guide and then

919
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: there are deeper dives you can do. You know, I'm

920
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:47,799
Speaker 1: working on a course right now and I work with

921
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:50,840
Speaker 1: people one to one and it's great. But not everybody's

922
00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 1: ready for that. Not everybody's at that spot where they're like, Okay,

923
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:55,320
Speaker 1: I'm ready to go all the way in. Sometimes a

924
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:58,000
Speaker 1: book is just what you need to, like jog you

925
00:50:58,040 --> 00:51:01,399
Speaker 1: a little further, just oh yeah, a little further. Yeah, Well,

926
00:51:01,440 --> 00:51:03,040
Speaker 1: you guys can find that book. I'm going to put

927
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:05,319
Speaker 1: the link in the description of the bio of this

928
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 1: podcast that people can find a book easily. Where else

929
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:11,200
Speaker 1: can people find you if they have more questions, if

930
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:14,040
Speaker 1: they're interested in doing more work, where can they find you? Yeah,

931
00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:16,600
Speaker 1: so you can find me at Jolie Hamilton dot com.

932
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:20,760
Speaker 1: That's Joli And then Hamilton's like the musical nice and easy,

933
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,719
Speaker 1: and you can find my socials there. I'm on Instagram

934
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 1: and clubhouse as at doctor Jolie Hamilton, so I'm easy

935
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:30,839
Speaker 1: to find and I'm always happy to hear from people.

936
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:33,759
Speaker 1: You know, don't feel bad about reaching out. I like

937
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:38,000
Speaker 1: to hear from people. So yeah, hit my DMS, no problem, amazing. Well,

938
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 1: I also appreciate you being here. I'm gonna go ahead

939
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:41,960
Speaker 1: and write down a lot of this stuff because I

940
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:44,040
Speaker 1: think that I can apply it to my own life,

941
00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:46,879
Speaker 1: and I know everyone this is just the common denominator

942
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:50,280
Speaker 1: that I think we all struggle with, bump up against

943
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 1: just relationships. So no matter what kind of relationship it is,

944
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:56,480
Speaker 1: I think it's one thing we all have in common

945
00:51:56,520 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 1: with we can constantly be learning and growing and so

946
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:01,600
Speaker 1: I really I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with us.

947
00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for having me, Kelly. I really appreciate it.

948
00:52:04,680 --> 00:52:06,319
Speaker 1: It's nice to meet you, and thank you guys so

949
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:07,120
Speaker 1: much for listening