Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Hey, there's Ni Chang. The Daily Show is off this week,
Speaker 2: but don't worry. We put together some of our favorite
Speaker 2: moments from the show in case you missed them. We'll
Speaker 2: be back with brand new shows on September tenth. Until then,
Speaker 2: enjoy today's episode.
Speaker 3: On the Daily Show.
Speaker 4: Obviously, this week's conventions is.
Speaker 5: Really all about introducing Kamala Harris to America, and as
Speaker 5: part of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film
Speaker 5: to make the case for a Harris presidency. Now, luckily
Speaker 5: for us, we stole it and we are going to
Speaker 5: show it to you. America is a land of people,
Speaker 5: people who were normal, and America used to have presidents
Speaker 5: who were normal.
Speaker 6: Sometimes they were good for what not sam Week, but
Speaker 6: they could always finish their sentences and art civil wars.
Speaker 4: But after eight years of this.
Speaker 2: In this ah.
Speaker 4: And just generally feeling like we were trapped in a
Speaker 4: sadistic circus in the eighth Circle of Hell, it is
Speaker 4: time for America to return to normal. It's time for
Speaker 4: Kamala Harris.
Speaker 6: Jess Nor generated by Jess harn a man of doctor
Speaker 6: Kamala Harris checks all the boxes for what Americans are
Speaker 6: looking for in a normal president.
Speaker 4: I'm Kamala Harrison. I'm under a president of the United States.
Speaker 7: We are a nation that was founded on noble ideas.
Speaker 7: But where did this unicorn of the candidate come from?
Speaker 6: Kamala Harris was born in nineteen sixty four in Oakland, California,
Speaker 6: a year that puts her squarely in the normal age
Speaker 6: range of American presidents. She was the daughter of two
Speaker 6: academics who met at school a way that normal people
Speaker 6: meet their spouse, as opposed to a party with sex
Speaker 6: ring billionaires. Her mother was from India, her father was
Speaker 6: from Jamaica, and that makes her both black and South Asian.
Speaker 4: Normal people understand this. I don't know if is she
Speaker 4: an Indian or is she black again? Normal people understand this.
Speaker 6: Kamala's parents wanted the best education for you, but because
Speaker 6: they weren't absolutely loaded in a way that would make
Speaker 6: them believe they could live outside the laws of man
Speaker 6: and nature, young Kamala had to be busted to a
Speaker 6: desegregated school.
Speaker 4: An hour away.
Speaker 6: It was an experience that always stayed with her, but
Speaker 6: not in a way that made her thirsty for revenge
Speaker 6: or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast the universe.
Speaker 6: Just a normal I'll put that into my autobiography kind
Speaker 6: of way. Kamala was admitted to Howard University, where she
Speaker 6: made lifelong friends. Like any other well adjusted person, you
Speaker 6: can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes, and she made
Speaker 6: ends meet working at McDonald's, a typical job held by
Speaker 6: millions of people. And just to be clear, she was
Speaker 6: working the register, not starring in bizarre fever dreams with
Speaker 6: Grimace and stealing jobs from hardworking professional actors who honestly
Speaker 6: could have used the gig at the time. After college,
Speaker 6: Kamala went on the normal trajectory for President Law School,
Speaker 6: San Francisco, District Attorney Attorney General of California. Yes, early
Speaker 6: on she had a boyfriend help her get a job
Speaker 6: on the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board. But that's a
Speaker 6: very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an
Speaker 6: unemployment insurance appeals board. Do not act like you wanted
Speaker 6: that job. Raw.
Speaker 4: Kamala rode her success to.
Speaker 7: The US Senate, where her time was mostly unmemorable, which
Speaker 7: is normal. Do you know what kind of freak you
Speaker 7: have to be to be a memorable senator. Sheer, Yeah, now,
Speaker 7: Kamala just did her job, including a famous grilling of
Speaker 7: Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Can you think of any law then
Speaker 7: give the government the power to make decisions about the
Speaker 7: male body.
Speaker 4: I'm not a thinking of any right now.
Speaker 6: It was a brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh
Speaker 6: from overturning Roe v. Wade, but a politician offering stirring
Speaker 6: rhetoric with disappointing results.
Speaker 4: Very normal, guys.
Speaker 6: After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the
Speaker 6: next step.
Speaker 8: I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for
Speaker 8: President of the United States.
Speaker 6: Yes, a run for president in twenty twenty, a decision
Speaker 6: so normal that.
Speaker 4: It was done by over seventy percent of the Democratic Party.
Speaker 6: But despite showing voters her personal side by listening and
Speaker 6: reacting to music like a regular human as opposed to
Speaker 6: freezing in placer yanking off a pair of dicks and
Speaker 6: stuff writers, Kamala didn't resonate with voters, and she dropped
Speaker 6: out before voting even began.
Speaker 9: I'm not a billionaire.
Speaker 4: I can't fund Monelcamp.
Speaker 6: It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to
Speaker 6: view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great reacting
Speaker 6: rationally to an electoral defeat, wouldn't it?
Speaker 4: But before she quit, Kamala did have one great moment.
Speaker 4: You know, there was a little girl in California and
Speaker 4: she was bussed to school every day, and that little
Speaker 4: girl was me.
Speaker 6: It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation,
Speaker 6: so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made
Speaker 6: her vice president.
Speaker 4: They did it, Carl Kamala Harris became the first black
Speaker 4: vice president, the.
Speaker 7: First Asian vice president, and the first female vice president.
Speaker 4: And yes, maybe that isn't normal Pharmaerica, But.
Speaker 7: Did you know that in the other parts of the
Speaker 7: world women are allowed to be leaders like all.
Speaker 4: The time, So that's not on her. What are Kamala's
Speaker 4: actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd expect from a
Speaker 4: normal Democrat trying to get elected.
Speaker 8: Our fight is a fight for the future, and it
Speaker 8: is a fight for freedom.
Speaker 7: Yeah, great, sounds good, But at least they are going
Speaker 7: to be normal policies. But you won't have to learn
Speaker 7: about Project twenty twenty five or great Replacement theory or
Speaker 7: weather a president concerned about his.
Speaker 4: Turnball in prison? What the hell are we doing here? Gang?
Speaker 4: I've been in episodes of Always Stark, less stressful than this.
Speaker 6: Of course, like any person, Kamala has her personality quirks,
Speaker 6: and her time as Vice president brought them all front
Speaker 6: and center.
Speaker 1: I love vin diagrams.
Speaker 4: Do you know the three circles? Who doesn't love a
Speaker 4: yellow schools? Do you think you just fell out of
Speaker 4: a coconut tree?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: The coconut thing super kooky? Right?
Speaker 7: So what America has presidents with fun and energy all
Speaker 7: the time?
Speaker 4: What about Abe?
Speaker 3: He wore the.
Speaker 7: Big hats, FDR stamps, Reagan jelly beans, pounded fistfuls of them,
Speaker 7: and they were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to
Speaker 7: ship themselves every five minutes.
Speaker 6: And that is the promise of a Kamala Harris presidency.
Speaker 6: A president who will not.
Speaker 7: Fall in love with the North Korean dictator or have
Speaker 7: a family member whose dick picks end up on a
Speaker 7: prongressional hearing. A president who won't clear up their COVID
Speaker 7: with horsty wormer and a spritz of clorox, and one
Speaker 7: that can stay up past eight A president who will
Speaker 7: eventually leave office. A president who won't have to flee
Speaker 7: to a non extradition country if she loses. In other words,
Speaker 7: Kamala Harris will be a normal president, just a normal.
Speaker 4: President.
Speaker 3: Let's talk about JD. Vance.
Speaker 10: Democrats hate him and Republicans pretend not to. But who
Speaker 10: is he really?
Speaker 7: Let's find out in a brand new daily showography.
Speaker 1: Middletown, Ohio isn't much to look at.
Speaker 3: It's probably a few decades away from getting a Jampa juice.
Speaker 3: But this forgotten town, full of forgotten men and forgotten women,
Speaker 3: has given us a name to remember.
Speaker 1: JD. Vance.
Speaker 3: I came from Middletown, Ohio.
Speaker 11: I am proud of it, and I will never forget
Speaker 11: where I came.
Speaker 1: Problem.
Speaker 3: But what he would forget is everything else. I'm a
Speaker 3: never Trump guy. I never liked him.
Speaker 9: The simple fact is he's the best president of my lifetime.
Speaker 3: This is the daily shoography of JD. Vance, the forgetten man.
Speaker 3: You may have heard that JD doesn't think much of
Speaker 3: life in your Democrat run cities, but to hear him
Speaker 3: tell it, growing up in smalltown Ohio and Kentucky wasn't
Speaker 3: so hot either.
Speaker 4: Our homes are a chaotic mess.
Speaker 11: At least one member of the family uses drugs.
Speaker 3: Young JD was taken in by his mamma.
Speaker 9: She said, look, you're gonna come and stay with me,
Speaker 9: and if anybody has a problem with it, they can
Speaker 9: they can talk to my gun m.
Speaker 11: All came from a family that would shoot at you
Speaker 11: rather than argue with you. When we went through a thing,
Speaker 11: we found nineteen loaded handguns under her bed, in her closet,
Speaker 11: in the silverware drawers.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's like if Tarantino directed an episode of The
Speaker 3: Golden Girls. After high school, Jady left his mamma's house
Speaker 3: for a place with slightly fewer.
Speaker 1: Guns, the US military.
Speaker 3: He's spent four years in the Marines Public Affairs Department,
Speaker 3: which would eventually serve him well in politics, where his
Speaker 3: new boss has had many public affairs. Back home, Jad
Speaker 3: lifted himself up by his bootstraps and government GI bill
Speaker 3: money to attend Yale Law School, where he would meet
Speaker 3: his future wife.
Speaker 1: Nothing would keep them apart.
Speaker 10: I love her because she's who she is.
Speaker 9: Obviously she's not a white person, but I just I
Speaker 9: love Lusha.
Speaker 1: Marriage really is about compromise.
Speaker 3: After overcoming the traumas of an Ivy League education, JD
Speaker 3: sought honest work down in the valley, where remembering where
Speaker 3: he came from sometimes meant forgetting where he was.
Speaker 9: I didn't come from the elites.
Speaker 11: I didn't come from San Francisco.
Speaker 3: You were out in San Francisco, now right, that's right.
Speaker 3: I'm working for Peter too, Yeah, I work.
Speaker 11: We're at one of the venture capital funds that he
Speaker 11: co founded.
Speaker 3: And though big tech made him rich, it was the
Speaker 3: publishing world where he really made a name for himself.
Speaker 3: Jad turned his childhood pain into Hillbilly Elegy, a best
Speaker 3: selling memoir and Hollywood film Asta La Vista Baby. Soon
Speaker 3: those fancy aristocrats who drink sparkling water and wear pajamas.
Speaker 11: To this day, I find the very notion of pajamas
Speaker 11: an unnecessary elite indulgence.
Speaker 3: We're begging him to join their ranks.
Speaker 1: Should he run for office.
Speaker 9: I think that, you know, when people ask me if
Speaker 9: I want to run for office, part of me wonder
Speaker 9: is like, do they think I just give off a
Speaker 9: used car salesman?
Speaker 3: No, not at all. Soon enough, JD was ready to
Speaker 3: be put into a certified, pre owned Ohio Senate scene.
Speaker 3: He had the perfect resume, blue collar childhood's former marine
Speaker 3: absolutely zero rumors that he had hacked a couch. If
Speaker 3: only he hadn't said all those terrible things about his
Speaker 3: party's knew God. I can't stomach Trump.
Speaker 11: I think that he's noxious and is leading the white
Speaker 11: working class to a very dark place.
Speaker 10: You've said, I have a never Trump guy, never liked him,
Speaker 10: terrible candidate, idiot if you voted for him, might be
Speaker 10: America's hitler, might be a cynical a hole, cultural heroine, noxious, reprehensible.
Speaker 3: How could Vance run for office as a maga Republican
Speaker 3: after all that? He would have to call upon his
Speaker 3: experience as a forgotten man and forget it all. Look,
Speaker 3: I was wrong about Donald Trump.
Speaker 11: I didn't think he was going to be good president Brett.
Speaker 12: He was a great president.
Speaker 3: Trump may be cultural heroine, but JD was hooked the
Speaker 3: new JD loved DJT with all his heart, and Trump
Speaker 3: almost knew who JD was.
Speaker 10: Does a right JD Mandel and he's doing great.
Speaker 3: Whatever his name was. There was something about this new
Speaker 3: guy that Donald Trump liked.
Speaker 4: JD is kissing my ass.
Speaker 10: He wants myself words.
Speaker 3: Up with the taste of Trump's butt cheeks fresh on
Speaker 3: his lips. Vance won his election and the forgetting kicked
Speaker 3: into high gear. The man who once said he hated
Speaker 3: the police and respected trance people now said it was
Speaker 3: actually the other way around. No opinion was safe from
Speaker 3: JD's MAGA memory.
Speaker 1: White.
Speaker 11: The universities provide high quality talent for folks to get
Speaker 11: their businesses off the ground. Indeed, universities in our country
Speaker 11: are fundamentally corrupt. It's really important not to just fabricate
Speaker 11: and lie to other people.
Speaker 9: I think you want what's still on its Trump.
Speaker 3: JD's moral flexibility propelled him into the MAGA A list,
Speaker 3: and when Donald Trump needed a new running mate for
Speaker 3: some reason.
Speaker 1: He tapped Vance.
Speaker 11: I love you guys.
Speaker 3: But once he hit the campaign trail, JD's former friends
Speaker 3: in the media discovered that his mouth had left her
Speaker 3: on more loaded guns than Mamma Republican. THEEP candidate JD.
Speaker 10: Vance is igniting a firestorm for what's calling citizens without
Speaker 10: children childless cat ladies.
Speaker 8: Vance calls pregnancies resulting from rape or incest inconvenient.
Speaker 3: Said Americans without kids should have their boats countless.
Speaker 8: Vance takes aim and gymnastic phenom Simone Biles after she
Speaker 8: dropped out of the Tokyo Olympics for mental health reasons.
Speaker 11: The fundamental lie of American feminism is that it is
Speaker 11: liberating for a woman to go and work ninety hours
Speaker 11: a week.
Speaker 3: Please tell me more about the lessons of feminism, sir.
Speaker 3: But who cares what the haters and the elites think.
Speaker 3: There's only one man whose opinion counts, and he thinks
Speaker 3: JD has what it takes.
Speaker 12: When you look at JD.
Speaker 6: Vance, is he ready on day one?
Speaker 7: Historically the vice president does not have any impact.
Speaker 3: I mean virtually no impact. Yes, they said, people from
Speaker 3: JD's neck of the woods don't matter. But now Advance
Speaker 3: has become the most important, not important man in America.
Speaker 1: And soon he might be.
Speaker 3: Enshrined forever in the nation's halls of power. Or he'll lose,
Speaker 3: and like every other failed VP candidate in history, this
Speaker 3: forgetting man will also be forgotten.
Speaker 12: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 12: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 12: The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central,
Speaker 12: and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus.
Speaker 1: Paramount Podcasts