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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that the universe gave me all of

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Speaker 1: this extra resistance the past year because I realized I

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Speaker 1: didn't get stronger. I just it made me seem my strong.

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Speaker 1: And I don't think anybody has to get stronger. All

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Speaker 1: of these physical outlets running, cycling, lifting, weights, yoga, they're

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Speaker 1: just uncovering the strong that's already in you.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, Emily Abadi here. You are listening to episode

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Speaker 2: one fifty seven of Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where

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Speaker 2: we sit down with inspiring individuals to talk about big wins,

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Speaker 2: tough moments, and everything in between. On the show, you

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Speaker 2: can expect vulnerability, motivation, and candid discussions with everyone from

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Speaker 2: top athletes and CEOs to aspiring entrepreneurs on what it

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Speaker 2: really takes to follow your passions. My mission is simple

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Speaker 2: to inspire you to be your best self, move with intention,

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Speaker 2: and have some fun along the way. Today I am

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Speaker 2: chatting with Alex silver Bagan. Now, if her name sounds familiar,

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Speaker 2: that's because of fact. Alex was my first ever guest

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Speaker 2: on the show. That's right. We chatted originally over three

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Speaker 2: years ago. Now for episode two, which we reference a

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Speaker 2: couple of times in today's recording, Why am I having

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Speaker 2: Alex back of the show? You ask, well, Alex has

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Speaker 2: certainly jumped her fair share of hurdles over the last

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Speaker 2: few years, like many fitness professionals. During the pandemic, she

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Speaker 2: went from teaching live and in person to doing so remotely.

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Speaker 2: She also chose to leave a job during this time,

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Speaker 2: and we talk about how that transition really impacted her.

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Speaker 2: She also opens up about a lot of personal hurdles

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Speaker 2: as well. Alex talks about falling in love and getting

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Speaker 2: engaged and unengaged and how that was for her. The

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Speaker 2: biggest conversation point in today's episode, however, is mental health

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Speaker 2: and how Alex chose to open up about hers and

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Speaker 2: seek treatment for hers, and we talk about what that

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Speaker 2: looked like. And before I continue on with this intro,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to let Alex chime in on why this

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Speaker 2: is important.

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Speaker 1: You don't exist without your mental health, and there's often

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Speaker 1: a fear of getting help. There's a barrier to entry

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Speaker 1: if you will, with finances, whatever it may be, shame

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Speaker 1: perhaps in saying that you are struggling. I promise you

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Speaker 1: more people are going through it than you think, so please, please, please.

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Speaker 2: Reach out for help.

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Speaker 1: You're not living your life if you are not exploring

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Speaker 1: what's going on in your head.

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Speaker 2: Needless to say, Alex really opens up today and we

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Speaker 2: really get into some very serious topics. So if this

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Speaker 2: resonates with you, if you are struggling with your mental health,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to put some resources into the show notes,

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Speaker 2: but I want you to know that Alex and I

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Speaker 2: talked extensively about what we hoped for this episode. We

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Speaker 2: chatted extensively about our responsibility before putting content like this

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Speaker 2: into the world, and so it is our hope that

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Speaker 2: this conversation helps someone somewhere feel less alone in whatever

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Speaker 2: it is that they're going through. I'm going to keep

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Speaker 2: this intro short because I really want to get into

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Speaker 2: this episode, but I encourage you this week specifically share

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Speaker 2: this episode with a friend and have a conversation about

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Speaker 2: it because it's really important stuff. Make sure you're following

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Speaker 2: along with Hurdle over at Hurdle podcast, I Emily am

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Speaker 2: over at Emily a Body, and if you haven't done

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Speaker 2: so yet, head on over to Apple Podcasts so rate

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Speaker 2: and review the show. It only takes a few seconds,

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Speaker 2: and I'll even throw the link to do that in

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Speaker 2: the show notes with that, let's get to hurdling. Today.

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Speaker 2: I'm chatting with Alex silver Fagan. She is a fitness entrepreneur,

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Speaker 2: a trainer, a yogi beloved too many. How you doing now?

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Speaker 1: I'm doing I'm doing great. Actually, yeah, I feel like

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Speaker 1: a brand new human. I love that you love the

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Speaker 1: fitness entrepreneur title. I love it too, because it's hard

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Speaker 1: to identify yourselves with. I don't like identifying myself with

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Speaker 1: my job, titles, my career because I think it's always changing.

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Speaker 1: And when you had just asked me what I want

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Speaker 1: to be put down as I said, human. And that's

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Speaker 1: really because that's all the work I've been doing is

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Speaker 1: to be a better human, to be a better soul

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Speaker 1: existing in my body. And I have put so much

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Speaker 1: energy over my past twenty nine years on getting titles

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Speaker 1: and being a Nike Master trainer or being a Mirror

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Speaker 1: Founding instructor, or being a three hundred and fifty hour

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Speaker 1: yoga teacher, and I am exhausted with trying to find

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Speaker 1: labels and I'm just trying to find existence. And I

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Speaker 1: don't think I'm trying anymore. I think I'm settling into it.

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Speaker 1: So that's how I'm doing. And that's why I said

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Speaker 1: I'm a human.

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Speaker 2: A human. Maybe I'll just label your episodes like that,

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Speaker 2: Alex silver Fagan human, you know what? And I think

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Speaker 2: that's so true, especially these days as we all live

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Speaker 2: in this like multi hyphenate world where we wear many hats.

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Speaker 2: If you're so wrapped up about what's in your Instagram

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Speaker 2: bio and you're paying that more attention than what's actually

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Speaker 2: happening around you, that's problematic.

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Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I've learned also when i'm i'm uh

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Speaker 1: trying to find a client, or I'm introducing myself in

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Speaker 1: a podcast or an interview or an event, rather than

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Speaker 1: giving my title, what do I do, like, who do

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Speaker 1: I affect? What's my goal?

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Speaker 2: What's my mission?

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Speaker 1: So instead of you know, I'm Alex silver Fagan, a

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Speaker 1: fitness instructor and yoga teacher, I'm Alex silver Fagan, and

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Speaker 1: I try to help people discover that they can come

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Speaker 1: back to their bodies and unlock their potential by re

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Speaker 1: establishing that relationship with themselves. And so I do that

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Speaker 1: with Flow and a Strong, which is the class that

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Speaker 1: I've developed. But instead of saying that I'm the founder

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Speaker 1: of Flow and strong. Let me tell you what it is,

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Speaker 1: you know, and that's our energy, that's the impact that

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Speaker 1: we leave on people, and that's what I want someone

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Speaker 1: to understand and feel.

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Speaker 2: First for those of you that have been longtime hurdlers,

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Speaker 2: or maybe if you're a new hurdler and you kind

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Speaker 2: of started from the beginning, Alex was one of my

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Speaker 2: first guests. Her episode launched December thirty first, twenty seventeen,

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Speaker 2: which feels like an eternity ago and so recently. In

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Speaker 2: chatting with Alex, who I've known long, much longer than

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Speaker 2: that amount of time, and by the prompting of the

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Speaker 2: hurdle community, I had a few dms about this episode

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Speaker 2: that I thought it was about time that we regrouped

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Speaker 2: for the pod because so much has happened since then.

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Speaker 2: So much has happened.

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Speaker 1: I've lived it.

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Speaker 2: It's been a lot. It's been a lot, I mean,

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Speaker 2: both of our ends.

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Speaker 1: We have so much more to talk about together, especially

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Speaker 1: you've talked to so many people for the podcast. You've

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Speaker 1: heard so many, many amazing, inspiring stories where it I

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Speaker 1: love coming back to the same topics with a new perspective.

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Speaker 2: One hundred percent. So we won't go into your entire

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Speaker 2: backstory in this episode. If you are interested in hearing

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Speaker 2: the nitty gritty about pre December thirty first, twenty seventeen

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Speaker 2: Alex Silver Vagan, click on over to the show notes

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Speaker 2: where I will link that episode. But why don't you

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Speaker 2: give those listening starting here a little bit of background

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Speaker 2: just on how long you've been in the fitness industry,

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Speaker 2: how you got into the fitness industry, and you know

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Speaker 2: that kind of stuff.

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Speaker 1: So I started in the fitness industry seven years ago.

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Speaker 1: I started because I needed to be better. I needed

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Speaker 1: to get better. I was very underweight. I was working

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Speaker 1: in nightlife and I just so happened upon bodybuilding and

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Speaker 1: bikini competitions as a way to get strong or to

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Speaker 1: get I thought that was the answer instead of just

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Speaker 1: gaining weight, which is what I needed to do. And

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Speaker 1: from there I did my bikini competitions. I then was

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Speaker 1: introduced to the group fitness World in New York. I

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Speaker 1: started to study to become a personal trainer. I was

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Speaker 1: then teaching group fitness classes. I then went to Thailand

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Speaker 1: for my yoga training. I came back, I started teaching

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Speaker 1: my own class, and everything just happened very very quickly,

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Speaker 1: and I was. I think I was a little overwhelmed,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't stop to actually recognize how I felt.

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Speaker 1: And that's that's probably what I heard when I re

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Speaker 1: listened to my original episode, was this kind of naivete

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Speaker 1: of not really understanding the weight of what had been

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Speaker 1: put on me and what I was expected to do.

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Speaker 1: And it was a great you know, I sounded really

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Speaker 1: light and airy, and uh, I was really I needed

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Speaker 1: the world to come crashing down for a second to

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Speaker 1: then like recognize where I am now.

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Speaker 2: So when you say what you were expected to do? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what do you mean by that?

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Speaker 1: I've always struggled with the comparison and looking at what

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Speaker 1: other people are doing, and with social media and being

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Speaker 1: in the New York fitness world, which is a bubble

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Speaker 1: that has now burst a little bit because we've especially

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Speaker 1: during the pandemic, everything has opened up and we've all

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Speaker 1: been connected. I used to think that I because I

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Speaker 1: was so young and I was accomplishing things very early on,

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Speaker 1: I felt the pressure to keep up with that trajectory

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Speaker 1: and that cadence. And so I was twenty three in

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Speaker 1: the youngest Nike Master Trainer ever and then it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: what do you do now right. So there was this

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Speaker 1: little mini voice in my head saying, Okay, the next

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Speaker 1: thing you have to do, the next thing.

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Speaker 2: You have to do better.

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Speaker 1: You have to do better, you have to do better,

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Speaker 1: you have to post this, you have to get this job,

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Speaker 1: you have to you have to right. And it was

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Speaker 1: very fast, and I was overwhelmed with the speed.

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Speaker 2: The speed. So when we last chatted in twenty seventeen,

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Speaker 2: you're kind of in the thick of the speed, right.

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Speaker 2: It's like you said, you're reflecting on it, and it

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Speaker 2: may have come off as light and airy and excited

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Speaker 2: and hopeful, but really, like, deep down at that point,

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Speaker 2: you were already feeling overwhelmed by everything that was going

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Speaker 2: on around you and kind of trying to keep up

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Speaker 2: with yourself. So since twenty seventeen, what would you say

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Speaker 2: career wise? Has probably been one of the biggest pivots.

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Speaker 1: For you, choosing to leave a job where I was

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Speaker 1: unhappy but I was expected to be there. And that

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Speaker 1: really happened when COVID hit. We all get wrapped up

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Speaker 1: with the busy, the glorification of the busy. It's a

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Speaker 1: cool thing to be busy in New York. And then

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Speaker 1: when that stops and things slow down, and you don't

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Speaker 1: have to run to the next appointment or the next

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Speaker 1: client or the next event. You have time to sit

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Speaker 1: down and really look out what you're doing and if

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Speaker 1: you want to do it. And I was still working

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Speaker 1: at Mirror when COVID hit, and that would have been

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Speaker 1: ideal to stay working for a company like that, because

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Speaker 1: it's digital already that it's already digital fitness in people's homes.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't working, that no one was going to the

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Speaker 1: studio and I had felt unfulfilled there for a long time.

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Speaker 1: And it's nothing about the company, something about the other instructors.

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Speaker 1: I love all of them. I love what they're doing.

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Speaker 1: I loved working there, but something felt off for me

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Speaker 1: and I wasn't honoring that before COVID. And then when

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Speaker 1: I was at home, I wasn't working and I was

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Speaker 1: sitting with it, and I still had this kind of

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Speaker 1: nagging sensation of just misalignment with my truth. I knew

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Speaker 1: that I had to leave, and so I actually left

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Speaker 1: my job in the middle of a pandemic, which is wild.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people that that is crazy to leave

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Speaker 1: a well paid job in the middle of a pandemic.

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Speaker 1: But I knew that it wasn't It wasn't right for

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Speaker 1: me anymore, and I still wasn't sure what the next

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Speaker 1: step was. I know that I started to work hard

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Speaker 1: to chase a dream that I had. The dream turned

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Speaker 1: out to look different than it actually is, or that

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Speaker 1: I thought it was, but it's led me to dive

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Speaker 1: deeper into what flown to Strong means. And flown Strong

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Speaker 1: is my personal method of yoga and strength training, and

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Speaker 1: I created that when I came back from Thailand in

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Speaker 1: twenty sixteen, but I never really understood the full meaning

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Speaker 1: behind flown as Strong. I was like, Oh, I'm just

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Speaker 1: putting yoga and strength together and now having the space

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Speaker 1: when I'm not employed by somebody else, being really thrust

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Speaker 1: into full time entrepreneurship, which I know that you know

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Speaker 1: very closely what that feels like.

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Speaker 2: You can really.

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Speaker 1: Create something that's authentic because it's like, oh shit, here

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Speaker 1: I am.

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Speaker 2: It's just me.

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Speaker 1: What's my impact on the world. Instead of waiting for

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Speaker 1: life to come or waiting for another opportunity, It's like,

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Speaker 1: what am I going to contribute to the world? And

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Speaker 1: you have that chance when that space is created.

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Speaker 2: So you know, I have to ask you what the

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Speaker 2: dream job is.

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Speaker 1: Of course, well people can assume what it is, but

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Speaker 1: I'm going to keep that close to me for now.

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Speaker 1: I'm still chasing it, and I believe the universe has

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Speaker 1: a plan. And I also believe in divine timing, and

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Speaker 1: divine timing has shown up in my life many times,

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Speaker 1: not only just in my career, and I've I've witnessed it,

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Speaker 1: I've experienced it. So I trust that, and I guess

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Speaker 1: we'll all find out what that dream is one day, hopefully, hopefully.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So you make the decision to walk away from Mirror,

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Speaker 2: and during this pandemic, when a lot of us I

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Speaker 2: can certainly vouch for this, started to find a little

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Speaker 2: bit of extra joy in routine. You were completely out

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Speaker 2: of what your routine had been for so long without

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Speaker 2: a job, necessarily, how do you start to find any

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Speaker 2: semblance of balance for yourself.

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Speaker 1: So I'm just starting to find that balance as COVID

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Speaker 1: kind of this whole year is starting to lessen. My

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Speaker 1: balance now is recreating a schedule for myself and working

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Speaker 1: with clients and creating my app, which we can talk

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Speaker 1: about my second But I do want to honor the

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Speaker 1: fact that for the entire year. My entire routine was gone.

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Speaker 1: I also was in a relationship that was holding on

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Speaker 1: by a thread, trapped in an apartment. And I hate

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Speaker 1: using the word trapped, because I was safe and grateful

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Speaker 1: to be in a beautiful apartment for that year. But

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Speaker 1: I felt trapped. I felt trapped in emptiness. I felt

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Speaker 1: ashamed because I had left a job and then I

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Speaker 1: had nothing, and my whole life just all of those

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Speaker 1: labels that I thought that I had, that I thought

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Speaker 1: made me who I was. We're gone, my career, my relationship,

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Speaker 1: we weren't seeing friends. I wasn't even able, I mean

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Speaker 1: allus felt this. I wasn't even able to go to

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Speaker 1: a gym or a yoga studio, that place of solace,

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Speaker 1: you know, and not the gem solace. I love solace,

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Speaker 1: but the solace of having community was gone. And so

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Speaker 1: I really spiraled and I lost myself. And I was

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Speaker 1: also living with somebody who was thriving during the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: and it was very hard to then compare yourself to

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Speaker 1: your partner and feel inadequate, just as a human.

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Speaker 2: I can imagine for the reasons that we spoke about

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Speaker 2: earlier about titles and leveling up and what am I

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Speaker 2: going to do next? That that would just start to

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Speaker 2: feel really overwhelming as you're trying to find your footing

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Speaker 2: and feeling continuously like you're just kind of climbing up

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Speaker 2: a hill that has mud on it one percent.

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Speaker 1: And it has nothing to do with him acting a

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Speaker 1: certain way or saying things. It's just being in that

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Speaker 1: situation and also being really happy for somebody who's succeeding

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Speaker 1: while you're really confused with your own life, and at

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Speaker 1: a time when everybody is confused, and I take on

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Speaker 1: what other people are feeling. I am an EmPATH, and

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Speaker 1: so you know, last year was just emotionally charged and

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Speaker 1: it was It was intense and probably the hardest.

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Speaker 2: Year of all of our lives.

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Speaker 1: We are transforming, we are being reborn, like there is

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Speaker 1: this feeling of rebirth and I am I think differently,

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Speaker 1: I speak differently, I feel differently because I do think

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Speaker 1: coming out of pain.

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Speaker 2: Creates strength.

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Speaker 1: Like I've always been obsessed with this idea of getting strong.

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Speaker 1: My first book is called Get Strong. My brand is

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Speaker 1: Flow into Strong. Being strong for me has always been

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Speaker 1: and the goal, but I never realized it's just the

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Speaker 1: it's just being like you are strong we are strong

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Speaker 1: because we're here are I'm very spiritual and I've gotten

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Speaker 1: more spiritual throughout this whole process and not this whole year,

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Speaker 1: but knowing that, you know, our soul chooses our life

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Speaker 1: for a reason, like we choose this path and these

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Speaker 1: hardships and these joys because we know that we can

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Speaker 1: do it and that we are strong enough. And so

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Speaker 1: always reminding myself that I don't have to find my

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Speaker 1: strong but just being my strong and that's what flowing

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Speaker 1: is strong, is flow into it.

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Speaker 2: And understanding of course that strength is just so much

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Speaker 2: more than obviously picking up a dumb bell.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a good outlet and it's a it's

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Speaker 1: a very quick reminder that you are strong, like you

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Speaker 1: can physically feel it, and then there's an emotional aspect

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Speaker 1: of like, yeah, I did that, you know, and then

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Speaker 1: you can realize, oh, I can do other things too

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Speaker 1: that might intimidate me. It doesn't have to be a barbell.

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Speaker 1: It's just anything that is resistance. It is extra load,

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Speaker 1: like you can handle it. I'm so glad that the

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Speaker 1: universe gave me all of this extra resistance the past

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Speaker 1: year because I realized I didn't get stronger I just

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Speaker 1: it made me seem my strong, and I don't think

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Speaker 1: anybody has to get stronger. All of these physical outlets running, cycling,

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Speaker 1: lifting weights, yoga, they're just uncovering the strong that's already

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Speaker 1: in you.

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Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to talk to you

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Speaker 2: And I also think it's worth giving you a little

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Speaker 2: bit of credit, because getting out of a relationship at

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Speaker 2: any time is difficult, whether you know that, like it is,

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Speaker 2: like this needs to happen, whether you're the person that

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Speaker 2: is ending it or you're the person that's on the

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Speaker 2: receiving side. However it happens, it's hard, right so to

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Speaker 2: happen during COVID, something that I know that some of

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Speaker 2: the people listening to this episode went through as well.

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Speaker 2: It's hell, it's hella difficult.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I know that there are a lot of

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Speaker 1: people that held onto relationships because of COVID because they

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Speaker 1: were they didn't want to be alone, they didn't want

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Speaker 1: to quarantine alone. And when I think about what people

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Speaker 1: went through this year, and you know, losing loved ones, relationships,

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Speaker 1: changing jobs, homes on top of this massive stress of

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Speaker 1: a virus and not knowing when we're getting out, and

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Speaker 1: it's wild. And I'm so glad that people are now

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Speaker 1: talking more about therapy. I've always been really open about

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Speaker 1: mental health and I've struggled with depression anxiety for a

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Speaker 1: long time. But it's normal now, Like it's weird if

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Speaker 1: you don't haven't talk to a therapist, or it's weird

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Speaker 1: if you haven't discussed mental health in some way, and

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Speaker 1: I think that's a beautiful thing.

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Speaker 2: I'm so glad because we talk so.

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Speaker 1: Much about our physical health, we talk so much about

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Speaker 1: having trainers and taking group fitness classes. It's like, why

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Speaker 1: are we not all talking to somebody about life, what

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Speaker 1: it means to be in this human experience. And now

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Speaker 1: I'm just I'm glad that people are opening up about

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Speaker 1: their mental health and are asking questions because it's super important.

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Speaker 2: How long have you been working with a therapist and

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Speaker 2: not specifically the same therapist?

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, I don't remember a time when I didn't

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Speaker 1: have a therapist, and that's because my parents split when

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Speaker 1: I was around three years old. This might be incorrect,

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Speaker 1: and if a family member hears it and says that

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Speaker 1: it's wrong, I'm just going off of what I assume.

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Speaker 1: I must have been around eight or nine when I

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Speaker 1: was court ordered to go speak to somebody, and originally

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Speaker 1: I didn't want anything to do with a therapist because

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is a stranger and they don't

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Speaker 1: know me. And I actually I cycled through a lot

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Speaker 1: of different doctors and never really found somebody that I

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Speaker 1: felt comfortable with until until my young adulthood in after college,

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Speaker 1: So there was a big period of time in college

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Speaker 1: where I didn't talk to a therapist. But I've been

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Speaker 1: in that cycle for a long time.

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Speaker 2: I think it's difficult when it comes to therapy sometimes

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Speaker 2: because although now thankfully there are more and more mental

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Speaker 2: health resources out there available to everyone, therapy to an extent,

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Speaker 2: if you don't have the financial resources for it can

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Speaker 2: be something that feels completely out of the question, you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean. Like for me specifically, I can

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Speaker 2: say that that was a barrier to entry for me

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Speaker 2: for a really long time. For therapy. It was like,

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Speaker 2: especially after becoming an entrepreneur, it was like, so this month,

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Speaker 2: am I going to pay four and fifty dollars for

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Speaker 2: my health insurance and then pay out a pocket to

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Speaker 2: go see a therapist? Or how am I going to

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Speaker 2: make this work? And then you start to have this

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Speaker 2: comfort with yourself it's like you want to prioritize it,

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Speaker 2: you want to do this thing. But for me, I

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Speaker 2: mean just money, forever it was just the biggest barrier

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Speaker 2: to entry. Yeah, I think that's a.

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Speaker 1: Big problem, and that's a problem with the health insurance

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Speaker 1: industry totally. But there are resources that don't require you

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Speaker 1: to pay anything. The anonymous groups, the support groups are incredible,

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Speaker 1: and it's not just for alcoholics or their substance abuse.

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Speaker 1: It's also Emotions anonymous or Emotions addict cod codependence anonymous,

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Speaker 1: and those are great for building community. But I think

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Speaker 1: that there are a few companies that are starting to

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Speaker 1: create less expensive options, Like you know, speaking to a

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Speaker 1: social worker versus a psychologist is immediately going to be cheaper.

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Speaker 1: But then there's a company called Frame that I was

436
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,360
Speaker 1: talking to and I don't work for them, but it's

437
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,159
Speaker 1: just nice mentioning it here anyway in case somebody hears it.

438
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,680
Speaker 1: I know that they're a little bit on the manageable

439
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: in terms of finance finances. And you get to chat

440
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,879
Speaker 1: with different therapists and see who you like.

441
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 2: So is that a text app or a FaceTime situation?

442
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: So it's a FaceTime, but you it's an app and

443
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 1: you connect with certain therapists. I think you do like

444
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:19,000
Speaker 1: a fifteen minute mini speed date, you see if you

445
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 1: like them, and then you move forward with that an

446
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: actual scheduled time to do therapy.

447
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think what's great, especially as time goes on,

448
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,960
Speaker 2: is there are different ways to access therapy from like

449
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 2: a communication point of view, right, So there's like tech space,

450
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,720
Speaker 2: like talk space, if that's like something that you could

451
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 2: be into, or there's like these FaceTime and digital options,

452
00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 2: especially in the era of COVID, and then you know,

453
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,840
Speaker 2: connecting with a licensed therapist and you're a licensed mental

454
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,679
Speaker 2: health counselor in your area, like at least now there

455
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,920
Speaker 2: are so many different pathways and avenues to get help,

456
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:55,200
Speaker 2: which I think is really great. So on January thirtieth,

457
00:26:56,320 --> 00:27:02,400
Speaker 2: you on Instagram posted one month post treatment. That's where

458
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 2: I was in December. I checked in to a mental

459
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,679
Speaker 2: health facility. So we're talking about mental health. We talked

460
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,439
Speaker 2: about what was going on for you during at least,

461
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 2: I would say, the first half of COVID. Talk to

462
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,360
Speaker 2: me about how you got to the point where you

463
00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 2: decided that you should go to a mental health facility. Yeah.

464
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 1: So I went on like a little Instagram break in December,

465
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:35,640
Speaker 1: and I posted about it, and I didn't tell anyone

466
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: where I was going. I knew I needed a break,

467
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,959
Speaker 1: but I went to California to a mental health treatment

468
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: facility as a hospital, and I think it was a

469
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: long time coming. I don't want to point fingers at

470
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 1: anything that happened in my life. I don't want to

471
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 1: say it was my breakup, or it was a job

472
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,600
Speaker 1: loss or COVID in general. I I think it was

473
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 1: ready to have some deeper levels of care. And I'm

474
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 1: grateful that I already have a platform to be able

475
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,879
Speaker 1: to share it and share this experience, because it's so

476
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,719
Speaker 1: taboo going to hospitals and going in patient for treatment,

477
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 1: even outpatient, like a deep, more intensive care, and I

478
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 1: didn't even know what it was like. I was terrified,

479
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,439
Speaker 1: and I knew that I needed something more intensive for

480
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,679
Speaker 1: a long time, but I was always afraid because you

481
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: see one flew over the cuckoo's nest or girl interrupted,

482
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,800
Speaker 1: and you assume that's what all these hospitals are like,

483
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: or you assume that it's like the psychiatric ward in

484
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 1: an actual hospital, which is a hospital. It's white gowns

485
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 1: and it's you know, white beds, and that's not what

486
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 1: inpatient treatment centers are. And so once I could wrap

487
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 1: my head around that, which didn't happen until I was there,

488
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: then I could share that.

489
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,480
Speaker 2: When did you even first research doing something like this?

490
00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: So I was having massive panic attacks in November October

491
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 1: my partner moved out of the apartment at the end

492
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: of September, and I had found myself completely alone for

493
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: the first time in years, not having anywhere to go,

494
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:22,400
Speaker 1: no job, and my panic attacks were It wasn't just

495
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: like I'm going to cry and sit in the corner.

496
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: It was like I was breaking things in the apartment.

497
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:36,040
Speaker 1: I was punching myself. I had bruises. And the scariest

498
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 1: part is I would start to leave the apartment in

499
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 1: the middle of the night because I couldn't be there,

500
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 1: and so I would like walk all the way to

501
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:47,000
Speaker 1: the river. I live in Chelsea, so I'd walk all

502
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 1: the way to the west side at like one two am.

503
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 1: I was very suicidal and I had had I've had

504
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:57,560
Speaker 1: suicide ideation for a long time when we did our

505
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 1: original podcast. Those are thoughts that were in my head,

506
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: but they weren't they weren't as loud as they were now.

507
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 1: And I had a plan and I had intent, and

508
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 1: I was planning. I was making sure that I had

509
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:11,520
Speaker 1: all the supplies I needed, and I was starting to

510
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:15,000
Speaker 1: write letters, and I was really ready to leave.

511
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 2: And I had had a.

512
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 1: Very spiritual experience in February of twenty twenty with psychedelics,

513
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: and I'm all for psychedelic therapy in terms of treatment.

514
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: And I had done a ceremony and this was before

515
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:33,880
Speaker 1: COVID and it was before I was really looking at

516
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,400
Speaker 1: my mental health. But I was really grateful to have

517
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: this experience and I was catapulted out of myself into

518
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: a rainbow. Which and if I say that and you've

519
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 1: done psychedelics, you understand that feeling. But that's what I thought.

520
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 2: The other side was.

521
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 1: So for every time I would have these thoughts and

522
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,280
Speaker 1: I was planning, I was just like, I'm going to

523
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 1: the rainbow. And if you follow me on Instagram, I

524
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: am very much obsessed with my engagement ring is now

525
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 1: I wear a rainbow wedding band and it's because I

526
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 1: was just I've wanted to go to the rainbow. So

527
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 1: the moment where it was like time to go to treatment,

528
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,480
Speaker 1: my doctors, I had a team of doctor, a psychiatrist, psychologist, acupuncturists,

529
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: you know, ex partner dad. They were all saying it's

530
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 1: time to go to treatment, and I wasn't ready. And

531
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: you can push somebody and you can say it for

532
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:30,520
Speaker 1: months and they're not going to want to go.

533
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 2: And there was.

534
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 1: There was just a moment in November where I was

535
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't do this anymore, and I'm

536
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 1: and I was too scared to find out if it

537
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 1: was actually a rainbow on the other side, Like I

538
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,640
Speaker 1: wanted to go there, but I wasn't sure. And I

539
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,680
Speaker 1: my psychiatrist said to me one day, he was like,

540
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 1: what if it's not a rainbow, then you're screwed, Like

541
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: then you're done, game over. And I was like, that's yeah,

542
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to know. If it's not I'd rather

543
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 1: have the rain bo here, And so started researching facilities.

544
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:09,720
Speaker 1: I will say from a financial standpoint, it is expensive

545
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 1: no matter where you go. These treatment centers are really expensive.

546
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,880
Speaker 1: But it was so worth it no matter how much

547
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 1: money I spent, like I I wouldn't be talking to

548
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 1: you right now if I hadn't gone. And I found

549
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:29,400
Speaker 1: friends there. I oh one friend because I actually ended

550
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: up being completely alone over the last two weeks of

551
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: my treatment, which is I was mentioning universe moments before.

552
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,200
Speaker 1: My biggest fear is being alone. And I went to

553
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:42,960
Speaker 1: treatment in the middle of a pandemic, and it was

554
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 1: also Christmas and New Year's so not many people were

555
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 1: in the treatment center, and so for the first two

556
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 1: weeks I had a friend, and then the last two

557
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: weeks I was completely by myself and I was just

558
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: I looked up and I was like, to the universe,

559
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 1: you wanted to teach me that I can be alone.

560
00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: Here we are, So yeah, that was the moment, was

561
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: you know, I was just done with my own bullshit.

562
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,000
Speaker 2: I was scared.

563
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 1: And I like life too much, and I like I

564
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 1: love life. I just didn't like that life. I didn't

565
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 1: I wasn't in love with who I was anymore. I

566
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 1: used to sit in the apartment just be like I

567
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: miss me, I miss my life. I miss Alex, Like

568
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: where is Alex? And I couldn't find her and so

569
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,959
Speaker 1: but I found her again at treatment. But she's very different.

570
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 2: She's very different. Yeah, well, thank you for sharing that.

571
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: Sure, I.

572
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 2: Try to think about what it could have been like

573
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:52,000
Speaker 2: walking across you know, twentieth Street toward the river at

574
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 2: one am, and like I could cry thinking about being

575
00:33:55,840 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 2: in that place. So yeah, I am grateful that you

576
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:11,799
Speaker 2: had people like your father, like your psychiatrist, who you

577
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:17,720
Speaker 2: could talk to about this in a time where being

578
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:24,920
Speaker 2: a public person must have felt just like you were drowning.

579
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I felt like I was living up

580
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 1: to expectations of my relationship too.

581
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:32,600
Speaker 2: It's very public.

582
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 1: I also want to credit him for my ex for

583
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 1: saving my life. And you know, someone did get me

584
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:47,840
Speaker 1: when I was on the street, so I'm grateful and

585
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 1: I was. It's like, you can even go back to

586
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:57,320
Speaker 1: my Instagram and look up photos from that fall. November October,

587
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:03,840
Speaker 1: those are the two big months tobernavor going backwards, and

588
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 1: I'm posting as if all's good, I'm going on hikes

589
00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:12,880
Speaker 1: like and I think it's important to say that and

590
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,000
Speaker 1: then and then invite you to go look at those

591
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,319
Speaker 1: photos because your friend could be hurting. They might not

592
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,759
Speaker 1: be talking about it, or they might be afraid to

593
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:23,520
Speaker 1: talk about it because they don't want to lose you.

594
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:27,640
Speaker 1: I've had friends, I've lost friends because they don't want me.

595
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,840
Speaker 1: They don't want to have sad friends. Someone said that

596
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 1: to me, and I can't imagine somebody else hurting right

597
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:44,200
Speaker 1: now after this massively life shattering year, sitting there and

598
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: trying to find trying to find support and love, and

599
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 1: having someone say I don't I can't handle your sadness

600
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 1: because I'm dealing with my shit, and it's we have

601
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,160
Speaker 1: to just have love and empathy and be able to

602
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: sit and listen to some because I don't want anyone

603
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 1: to try to go to the rainbow before they're ready,

604
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,520
Speaker 1: and I don't want anyone to try to wonder what

605
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,879
Speaker 1: it's like on that other side, like make your rainbow here.

606
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: We have the ability to make that life that we

607
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 1: want if we are open to surrendering to the shit

608
00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,720
Speaker 1: that's hard, right, Like for me sitting in my apartment

609
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: alone after two and a half years not being alone

610
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 1: and then not having my usual routine that was that

611
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 1: was tremendously scary. But I had to sit in that

612
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,920
Speaker 1: to then continue to create the life that I wanted

613
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 1: instead of sitting in it and saying this is wrong,

614
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,240
Speaker 1: Like if there's nothing wrong about it, I just wasn't

615
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:44,080
Speaker 1: used to it, and a lot of us aren't used

616
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:45,800
Speaker 1: to grief. We're not used to change.

617
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 2: And I.

618
00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:49,400
Speaker 1: Really I've been trying to figure out a way to

619
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 1: describe this on Instagram. But trauma is not necessarily always

620
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: a bad experience, right, So it's we think of it

621
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:00,800
Speaker 1: as a plane crash or a car crash or a death.

622
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:05,480
Speaker 1: Trauma is change, period, a move what you and I

623
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,800
Speaker 1: are both about to do. We're about to move apartments.

624
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,880
Speaker 1: That's traumatic to our nervous system. And we don't go

625
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: around and talk about trauma. And if we don't talk

626
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: about grief moving through it, we just say, oh, I

627
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,319
Speaker 1: just take your time, or everything will get better, or

628
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:22,359
Speaker 1: you'll be fine, or you cover it up. Why are

629
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,759
Speaker 1: we covering things up? Like that's just what I'm not

630
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 1: into And Instagram is a cover up and it was

631
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:32,399
Speaker 1: for me, so I uh, just I guess to bring

632
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:34,680
Speaker 1: that back around, It's like your friend might be covering

633
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:39,439
Speaker 1: something up with their pretty Instagram post or with their

634
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,440
Speaker 1: story that they have to tell you. And I someone

635
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:47,560
Speaker 1: I love dearly posted recently instead of asking how are you?

636
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:51,760
Speaker 1: Asking are you happy? You don't have to be happy?

637
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: Right The answer doesn't have to be yes, but at

638
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 1: least someone's asking you the question and they're interested.

639
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,520
Speaker 2: I love to double click on what you were talking

640
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:08,240
Speaker 2: about when it comes to having compassion for friends while

641
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:14,360
Speaker 2: understanding and also respecting your boundaries, because I do agree

642
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:19,799
Speaker 2: with you, I don't think anyone deserves to be ousted.

643
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:24,920
Speaker 2: I also do recognize that there were probably times in

644
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,880
Speaker 2: your journey where you needed to do things for you right,

645
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,799
Speaker 2: especially with everything that you were going through. So I

646
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:35,400
Speaker 2: do think that there's a balance might be the wrong

647
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,920
Speaker 2: word here, but you can kind of do both. We

648
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 2: are in charge of our own boundaries and we have

649
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 2: the opportunity to exercise them, but it is also up

650
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 2: to us to do so with compassion and respect and

651
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,759
Speaker 2: decency and whatnot. Because I'm sure you get a lot

652
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:59,319
Speaker 2: of these messages as well, people asking about female friendships

653
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,520
Speaker 2: and about boundaries and how do I deal with X

654
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 2: or Y? You know what I'm saying, Yeah, I mean

655
00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:08,880
Speaker 2: boundaries and expectations like number one when it comes to

656
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 2: human connection and relationship. And we're not taught this ever

657
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,600
Speaker 2: to understand what you can handle and what you expect

658
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:21,000
Speaker 2: from other people. And so when you set the boundaries

659
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,560
Speaker 2: and expectations, then it's easier to go about that relationship.

660
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:27,480
Speaker 2: And so when I was mentioning a friend saying that

661
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:31,840
Speaker 2: they couldn't handle my sadness, we had already made a

662
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,640
Speaker 2: boundary and expectation before, so I was very thrown off.

663
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,480
Speaker 2: But when you you know, I think family. No one

664
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 2: talks about the relationships with family, and it's actually the

665
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:46,400
Speaker 2: hardest to maintain. I think that's in therapy. That's probably

666
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 2: like one of the number one conversations that you have.

667
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 2: Setting those with your family members is important, and then

668
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 2: with your friends. But the only way you learn your

669
00:39:55,640 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 2: boundaries is by exploring, by asking questions something and also

670
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 2: being honest with yourself what feels good, what doesn't feel good,

671
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:11,120
Speaker 2: and not living to somebody else's expectations. But there's nothing

672
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:18,040
Speaker 2: wrong with saying to somebody, hey, i'd love to talk

673
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:18,879
Speaker 2: to you about this.

674
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 1: Are you comfortable with that? And if they're not, that's okay.

675
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 1: You can and you don't have to take it personally,

676
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 1: right the four agreements don't take anything personally. Sometimes people

677
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 1: are just honoring themselves. But I think it's important also

678
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:39,000
Speaker 1: when you receive something to say, this is not in

679
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,440
Speaker 1: my I'm not capable of handling this. How can I

680
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:48,759
Speaker 1: help you in another way? And you mentioned getting messages.

681
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 1: I get a lot of messages. I got a lot

682
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,600
Speaker 1: of very very long messages. And one of my boundaries

683
00:40:55,440 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 1: is it's difficult to read all of those because I

684
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: feel like I want to then write another essay back,

685
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 1: and that's just not it's not possible in terms of time.

686
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:10,640
Speaker 1: But it's also emotionally not healthy. It's just not healthy.

687
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 1: So being able to then say, hey, I really respect

688
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,360
Speaker 1: that you've sent this to me. I hear you the

689
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 1: end should be enough. But you know, once you set

690
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,759
Speaker 1: your boundaries and expectations, if the other person can't respect them,

691
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: it's not on you anymore.

692
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 2: It's not it's totally not, not at all. I'm going

693
00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:34,760
Speaker 2: to rope us back around to going to the treatment center.

694
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 2: So it's interesting because completely different experience. But something that

695
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 2: I was frightened of forever, aside from what I was

696
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 2: doing for work, was traveling alone. I dealt with a

697
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,760
Speaker 2: breakup that was really difficult at the end of twenty seventeen,

698
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:56,759
Speaker 2: and I got tired of waiting for a companion to

699
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,920
Speaker 2: take on the world with, and so I made the

700
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,840
Speaker 2: huge decision, which was to go on a trip to Italy.

701
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 2: Very different than making the decision to go check yourself

702
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 2: into a mental health facility. But I remember leading up

703
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,080
Speaker 2: to the day that I was going to get in

704
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,799
Speaker 2: the uber and go to the airport that I was

705
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,920
Speaker 2: so scared of the day that I was going to

706
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:21,280
Speaker 2: get in the uber and go to the airport because

707
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 2: I thought it was going to ruin me. I thought

708
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:27,120
Speaker 2: it was going to bring everything around. I was going

709
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 2: to cry the entire time I was in Italy. All

710
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:33,759
Speaker 2: of that. So talk to me about getting in the

711
00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 2: car and going to the airport.

712
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:37,480
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that. I also want to say,

713
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:41,759
Speaker 1: you started hurdle right after that, that breakup, so you

714
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,560
Speaker 1: know you you stepped into your purpose. And I'm very

715
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 1: grateful to be sitting here and to know that that's

716
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,920
Speaker 1: what happened after And I'm very proud of you for

717
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 1: getting in the car and going on your trip. And

718
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:56,080
Speaker 1: it was a beautiful trip, very different trip than your trip.

719
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:57,759
Speaker 2: It was different. I did not want it to help me.

720
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,799
Speaker 2: No more instant intie, no.

721
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:05,280
Speaker 1: No, no. My trip was beautiful. Yeah, I was very scared.

722
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:10,280
Speaker 1: So I booked my flights and I booked the treatment center,

723
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,120
Speaker 1: and then I had a week before I left, and

724
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,400
Speaker 1: this Thanksgiving was in that week and I spent Thanksgiving alone,

725
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 1: which was that was really hard for me. Thanksgiving has

726
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: been my favorite holiday for years. Getting in the car.

727
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:28,840
Speaker 1: One of the hardest parts about going to treatment was

728
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,600
Speaker 1: leaving my dog Collies taking a nap next to me.

729
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 1: Right now, she doesn't leave my side, and I'm fairly

730
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:39,920
Speaker 1: certain she's my soulmate. I didn't know how I was

731
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:47,359
Speaker 1: going to get through thirty days without her, and so

732
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,880
Speaker 1: that was one of the biggest fears. The other fear

733
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:55,160
Speaker 1: was that I'd be with quote unquote crazy people, which

734
00:43:55,200 --> 00:44:00,200
Speaker 1: is wild because we are all dealing with something. If

735
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,240
Speaker 1: we're on this, we're living and breathing. I was scared

736
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 1: of me the crazy people, which doesn't have that's not

737
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 1: what it is at all, and I don't like that term,

738
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,759
Speaker 1: and I don't like that I thought of it, and

739
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: I was. I was also scared of having to take

740
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 1: hold of the reins when I got back, So it

741
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,880
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily being there. It was that I had already

742
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:29,840
Speaker 1: made the choice that I'm done with being depressed, anxious, panicked, suicidal.

743
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 1: I'm done with that. I was so afraid of what

744
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 1: was on the other side, and the other side was

745
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: I had to go through treatment to get there, and

746
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 1: so being in treatment was actually amazing. I was safe,

747
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 1: there was always someone in the office if I needed

748
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:52,240
Speaker 1: someone in the middle of the night, I had people

749
00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:55,479
Speaker 1: to talk to, my therapists all day, and I also

750
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:59,280
Speaker 1: had space, and it felt like a true life pause.

751
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: And I'm sure, for a lot of people, the pandemic

752
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:04,719
Speaker 1: might have felt like a life pause, but we were

753
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:06,799
Speaker 1: still going through our day and trying to get it

754
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 1: was like a groundhog day. Treatment was like, I don't

755
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 1: exist in this world right now. I'm not posting on

756
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 1: social I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm purely

757
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,799
Speaker 1: here to work through my demons and to be a

758
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 1: better person. And so I loved being in treatment. I

759
00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:27,680
Speaker 1: wish I could be there all the time. I still

760
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:29,319
Speaker 1: talk to the same therapist that I had when I

761
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:30,440
Speaker 1: was there, and I'll be like.

762
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 2: I just want to come back. Can I just hang out?

763
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:34,839
Speaker 2: I just want to be there.

764
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 1: But that's not the work. I think people think treatment

765
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,680
Speaker 1: or impatient or outpatient is the work. The work is after.

766
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:45,000
Speaker 1: It's what do you do once you've been there. And

767
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:48,520
Speaker 1: so when I came back, I launched an app and

768
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 1: I didn't really think about the timing of this. I

769
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:56,520
Speaker 1: had planned to launch Valentine's Day because it wanted. I

770
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 1: wanted it to be a loving gift to myself and

771
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,840
Speaker 1: to everybody. I didn't really give myself enough time after treatment,

772
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 1: and so I came back and I just went go,

773
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,440
Speaker 1: go go, and I actually turned back into the girl

774
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,319
Speaker 1: that was pre pandemic, that was like, I just need

775
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:15,839
Speaker 1: to work and that's what's going to fix all the pain.

776
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:20,160
Speaker 1: And I very quickly crashed. And when I put my

777
00:46:20,239 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 1: post up in January thirtieth, when I wanted to tell

778
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: the world where I was, it was because that day

779
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:28,840
Speaker 1: I had come back from walking Collie and I crashed

780
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,440
Speaker 1: in the middle of the apartment and I was in

781
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,600
Speaker 1: hysterics and I was like, I feel the same, but

782
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:37,520
Speaker 1: I'm doing more and this is not right. And I

783
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:46,279
Speaker 1: needed to slow down and recognize that I don't have

784
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:49,280
Speaker 1: to work. I mean, we should work, and my purpose

785
00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 1: on this planet is to teach. I'm very aware of that,

786
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 1: but that's not what makes me lovable or worthy. And

787
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 1: so I slowed down that cadence of filming or posting

788
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 1: and took more time to breathe, to meditate. It helped

789
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:11,759
Speaker 1: me learn that I wasn't in my apartment before I

790
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:15,400
Speaker 1: went to treatment on the floor crying, breaking things, walking

791
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:17,320
Speaker 1: into the streets in the middle of the night because

792
00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:19,799
Speaker 1: I was alone, and because I didn't have a job,

793
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:22,080
Speaker 1: and because I didn't have my friends living in this

794
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 1: city anymore. I was sitting there because I wasn't talking

795
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:29,880
Speaker 1: to the high school Alex that needed love. And she

796
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,359
Speaker 1: learned that the only way that you're worthy is if

797
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,239
Speaker 1: you get this role in the play, or if the

798
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:39,600
Speaker 1: cool kids invite you to the party, or if the

799
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 1: guy asks you out. That's the Alex that needed to

800
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:47,279
Speaker 1: be given some love. I didn't need a career. I

801
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:49,320
Speaker 1: didn't need a partner, I didn't need a fiance. I

802
00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:52,440
Speaker 1: didn't need any of those things. And once you learn that,

803
00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:57,319
Speaker 1: then you can start to heal. And so when I

804
00:47:57,400 --> 00:48:00,000
Speaker 1: came back from treatment and I realized, all I said

805
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,560
Speaker 1: started to do is fill those labels back up, Like

806
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 1: I'm going to have an app and I'm going to

807
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,239
Speaker 1: train all these clients and I'm going to now be

808
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 1: a fitness model again, signed with another agency. I was

809
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 1: just trying to put band aids on the wound instead

810
00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 1: of like really let it air and heal. And so

811
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:18,840
Speaker 1: that's what I was afraid of.

812
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:20,000
Speaker 2: I was afraid.

813
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:23,680
Speaker 1: I was afraid of sitting with myself and not having

814
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:29,200
Speaker 1: a job and not having anywhere to go. That's terrifying.

815
00:48:29,719 --> 00:48:31,960
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that anybody that you need to sit

816
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:35,600
Speaker 1: alone and be a hermit, but you have to be

817
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:39,080
Speaker 1: okay with being by yourself. And I will say, out

818
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,720
Speaker 1: of any of the people that I know in my life, Emily,

819
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,879
Speaker 1: you are a beautiful example and an inspiration of someone

820
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 1: who has learned how to love themselves and be okay alone.

821
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:54,400
Speaker 1: And it's why your life is so full, and that's

822
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:58,319
Speaker 1: what people I hope can start to reach for.

823
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 2: Thank you. I think it's interesting, right, It's interesting. It's

824
00:49:07,239 --> 00:49:14,239
Speaker 2: interesting because you ask yourself like, is that something that

825
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:18,759
Speaker 2: I want to be recognized for? Like do I want

826
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:23,480
Speaker 2: to be recognized by my friends and family as the

827
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 2: person like, Oh, she's good alone, She's fine. I agree

828
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:32,759
Speaker 2: with you. I feel really comfortable spending time by myself.

829
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:35,960
Speaker 2: I didn't always feel this way shout out to that

830
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:42,200
Speaker 2: Italy trip. But I think that sometimes because I'm the

831
00:49:42,239 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 2: person that's good by myself, that when I feel as

832
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:50,520
Speaker 2: though I want someone, or I feel as though, like, man,

833
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,640
Speaker 2: it would be so damn great to be sitting on

834
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 2: this couch next to someone else for the first Sunday

835
00:49:55,719 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 2: night and months, that it exacerbates the feelings of loneliness.

836
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:09,520
Speaker 1: Sometimes I felt that way, and I also wasn't alone,

837
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:13,320
Speaker 1: and that's that's something to recognize like you can feel

838
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:17,320
Speaker 1: alone when you're with somebody because you're not good with yourself.

839
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 1: It had nothing to do with someone around me. Yeah,

840
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:26,160
Speaker 1: and so I'm yes, you are good alone, but that

841
00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you are like should be alone, right

842
00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 1: or will be alone. It's just this beautiful self awareness

843
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: and it's self love to just be like, I am good.

844
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:42,680
Speaker 1: I don't need anybody to tell me I am. I

845
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:45,000
Speaker 1: don't need to be with somebody. We all want to

846
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:46,760
Speaker 1: be with people like we are humans.

847
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:49,479
Speaker 2: You know. It makes me feel like a little messed

848
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:54,560
Speaker 2: up that my love language is words of affirmation. I

849
00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:57,120
Speaker 2: recently dated someone who did not want to indulge me

850
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:59,000
Speaker 2: in my love language, and I was like, this is

851
00:50:59,040 --> 00:50:59,920
Speaker 2: not going to work for me.

852
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:04,880
Speaker 1: Did you hear that? Apparently your love language is what

853
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:06,320
Speaker 1: you didn't get as a child.

854
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:10,279
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, parents, I know I was. I got a

855
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 2: lot of great love as a child, but I mean,

856
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:18,280
Speaker 2: my parents are divorced, so no shade mom and dad,

857
00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:22,400
Speaker 2: but parents are divorced. Went through a lot, spending a

858
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:25,280
Speaker 2: lot of time by myself from my mid to late teens,

859
00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:28,640
Speaker 2: and I'm sure that because of that, I was always

860
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:30,480
Speaker 2: just looking for someone to tell me that I was

861
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:33,520
Speaker 2: doing a good job totally. You know. I remember as

862
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:36,760
Speaker 2: soon as I got my driver's license, my car became

863
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:40,120
Speaker 2: my sanctuary because with my car, I was like, truly

864
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:42,040
Speaker 2: I was good. Like it was like, you can do

865
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:45,080
Speaker 2: you don't need anybody. You can get to school, you

866
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:48,520
Speaker 2: can go to musical practice, you can like go to

867
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:51,160
Speaker 2: youth group. Like, wow, I just painted a picture of

868
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 2: an excellent, thriving, popular teenager. But I could do all

869
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,600
Speaker 2: these things on my own and I didn't need I

870
00:51:58,640 --> 00:52:04,120
Speaker 2: felt as though physically I didn't need anybody. But really,

871
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:06,200
Speaker 2: that's why my love language is words of affirmation.

872
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: Cool for sure, Emily, You're amazing.

873
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:14,560
Speaker 2: Oh wait, So okay, so we've talked about we've talked

874
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,080
Speaker 2: about going to treatment. You talk to us about what

875
00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:20,040
Speaker 2: treatment was like. You talk to us about coming back

876
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:23,120
Speaker 2: and kind of getting into the swing of some sort

877
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:25,359
Speaker 2: of a normal routine and the overwhelm that came hand

878
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,160
Speaker 2: in hand with that. So after you recognize that you

879
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 2: were kind of putting some band aids on your life,

880
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:38,080
Speaker 2: how did you move forward from that? How? I feel

881
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:39,960
Speaker 2: like you're probably still trying to figure that out.

882
00:52:40,160 --> 00:52:43,279
Speaker 1: Yeah I am, that's yeah, one hundred percent I'm still

883
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:46,880
Speaker 1: figuring that out. I do think that having a team

884
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:52,400
Speaker 1: is important. Having my therapist, my psychiatrists, medication is great.

885
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:59,200
Speaker 1: It's different for everybody. Having friends. Obviously, this is important.

886
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:01,120
Speaker 1: This is why we are here, here to connect. But

887
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:05,000
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for the people in my life. And

888
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:08,000
Speaker 1: it's learning how to let love in even if it

889
00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 1: looks different than you expected. So my love language is

890
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:17,480
Speaker 1: touch and it's because and mom, I love you. If

891
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:20,400
Speaker 1: you are listening to this, my mom and I have

892
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,279
Speaker 1: worked hard to figure out a relationship that works for

893
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:26,080
Speaker 1: us because we didn't really have one at all. I

894
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:29,440
Speaker 1: didn't talk to her throughout my entire college experience. My

895
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,719
Speaker 1: mom didn't touch me when I was younger, and she

896
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:33,959
Speaker 1: didn't say I love you, and I had to ask

897
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:38,920
Speaker 1: for hugs. My love language is touch, it's hugs. So

898
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:42,239
Speaker 1: I used to think that love was just romantic.

899
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,759
Speaker 2: I was very foreign.

900
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:49,239
Speaker 1: It was very foreign to me that love could come

901
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:52,759
Speaker 1: in all different types of forms, from friends, from a

902
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:56,799
Speaker 1: meal that's nourishing, is full of love. So learning how

903
00:53:56,800 --> 00:53:59,320
Speaker 1: to accept love in in different ways, even a smile

904
00:53:59,400 --> 00:54:02,319
Speaker 1: on the street, that's love. When you can start to

905
00:54:02,320 --> 00:54:04,359
Speaker 1: accept more love and you will feel more love and

906
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:07,000
Speaker 1: you will give more love instead of just thinking that

907
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:10,040
Speaker 1: it needs to be from a man or a woman.

908
00:54:10,120 --> 00:54:13,760
Speaker 1: Whoever I end up with, I don't know whoever loves

909
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:18,120
Speaker 1: me that way. So yeah, being cool with that, letting

910
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:25,080
Speaker 1: love in has helped. Slowing down has helped leaning into creativity.

911
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:25,880
Speaker 2: Playing guitar.

912
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:28,839
Speaker 1: I'm not about to start a band, but it's nice

913
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:32,759
Speaker 1: to play and to sing, And honestly, teaching for.

914
00:54:32,800 --> 00:54:36,840
Speaker 2: Me is really helpful.

915
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:39,120
Speaker 1: It helps me get out of that routine as long

916
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,319
Speaker 1: as I'm doing it because I want to teach the

917
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:44,200
Speaker 1: class and I want to connect instead of, oh, I

918
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:47,000
Speaker 1: have to put up this amount of workouts this week

919
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:51,480
Speaker 1: or else everyone's going to die. Like that's no, everyone

920
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,640
Speaker 1: will be fine, and we all need to be gentle

921
00:54:54,719 --> 00:54:56,120
Speaker 1: with each other and ourselves.

922
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:58,800
Speaker 2: Something you said before reminded me of something I wanted

923
00:54:58,840 --> 00:55:01,240
Speaker 2: to say earlier, which was that it takes a really

924
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:05,439
Speaker 2: big person to allow people to play a certain role

925
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:08,120
Speaker 2: in your life that you didn't think that they would play. Right.

926
00:55:08,840 --> 00:55:11,279
Speaker 2: So when you were talking about like the shift in

927
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:15,000
Speaker 2: your relationship, I mean that was a really big change,

928
00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:17,640
Speaker 2: and that was like taking a step back and being like,

929
00:55:18,280 --> 00:55:20,560
Speaker 2: I don't get to decide what role you play for me,

930
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:23,640
Speaker 2: and now we can move forward together and figure out

931
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:26,200
Speaker 2: how to navigate the way that we can both show

932
00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 2: up for each other in this new capacity. Something else

933
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:34,080
Speaker 2: you just said reminded me of the Joe Rogan Demi

934
00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:38,279
Speaker 2: Lovado interview. I love it where you just said I

935
00:55:38,280 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 2: could end up with a man, I could end up

936
00:55:39,719 --> 00:55:42,200
Speaker 2: with a woman. I don't know. Demi Lovato kind of

937
00:55:42,239 --> 00:55:43,960
Speaker 2: said the same thing in that interview where she was like,

938
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,120
Speaker 2: I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I was like,

939
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:49,800
Speaker 2: good on you, Demi, but good on you, Alex.

940
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:54,080
Speaker 1: Well are you If anyone hasn't watched her documentary, it's

941
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 1: still they're still putting episodes out, but it might all

942
00:55:57,120 --> 00:55:59,080
Speaker 1: be out by the time you listen to this. I'm

943
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 1: so glad that she's talking about her mental health and

944
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:06,880
Speaker 1: substance abuse, because it's not even what you're taking. It's like,

945
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:11,840
Speaker 1: we have substance abuse regardless. Like my substance is romance

946
00:56:12,360 --> 00:56:15,600
Speaker 1: and it's always been and that is not healthy for me.

947
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:20,319
Speaker 1: And that's why I said man or woman, because by

948
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:23,120
Speaker 1: the way, I've grown up in a home. My brother

949
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:27,640
Speaker 1: is gay, my mom is gay. I'm very blessed to

950
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:30,600
Speaker 1: experience all types of love and to just let to

951
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:33,680
Speaker 1: be around people who are just being right, just being.

952
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:39,560
Speaker 1: And I don't know how love is going to come

953
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:43,520
Speaker 1: to me anymore. And I had this image, and I

954
00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:45,880
Speaker 1: had a great image, and it was it was it

955
00:56:45,920 --> 00:56:49,520
Speaker 1: looked real good, my engagement, my partner, we looked good together,

956
00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:53,560
Speaker 1: both in fitness, it was best friends like, it looked

957
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:58,480
Speaker 1: real good. It didn't feel good, That's okay. But I

958
00:56:58,560 --> 00:57:01,960
Speaker 1: was so attached to the image and I stopped thinking

959
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:05,440
Speaker 1: about how it was feeling. And so I'm done holding

960
00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:08,680
Speaker 1: onto the image of anything. The image doesn't have to

961
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:12,359
Speaker 1: be what I thought it was. And that's where the

962
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,279
Speaker 1: struggle comes in. And that's where my struggle comes in.

963
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:18,160
Speaker 1: Where I was sitting in my apartment on by myself.

964
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,240
Speaker 1: It was like I shouldn't be here by myself in

965
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:22,680
Speaker 1: this big apartment. I wasn't supposed to be. What do

966
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 1: you mean, wasn't you weren't supposed to be? Like, how

967
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:28,240
Speaker 1: do you know? How do we know what our life

968
00:57:28,400 --> 00:57:30,000
Speaker 1: is going to look like? How do I know if

969
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:31,960
Speaker 1: it's going to be a rainbow or not. I have

970
00:57:32,080 --> 00:57:35,520
Speaker 1: no idea. We don't know. And so if we start

971
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:40,880
Speaker 1: to chase or not chase, but lean into and breathe

972
00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:49,320
Speaker 1: into a feeling and a trust of our divine timing

973
00:57:49,640 --> 00:57:57,120
Speaker 1: and our soul's ability to heal no matter what happens,

974
00:57:57,160 --> 00:58:02,840
Speaker 1: Like we have an internal company, and when you fight it,

975
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: that's when you end up on the floor or on

976
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:10,120
Speaker 1: the street, like walking or And I don't want to

977
00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:13,640
Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to compare demons. But when it

978
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:16,600
Speaker 1: comes down to it, for me, it's just life isn't

979
00:58:16,640 --> 00:58:19,360
Speaker 1: turning out the way that I thought it was, but

980
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:20,240
Speaker 1: it's going to be better.

981
00:58:20,920 --> 00:58:23,760
Speaker 2: What in your life excites you right now?

982
00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: I'm very excited about my move. I'm excited to watch

983
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:35,920
Speaker 1: Collie keep growing. She's Collie is my dog. As I

984
00:58:35,920 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 1: said before, she's a year old, and if you have

985
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:44,000
Speaker 1: a pet, you understand this. I look at her and

986
00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:47,440
Speaker 1: I just I talk to her as if she's a human,

987
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 1: because she's just like she's this whole, like we connect.

988
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:56,240
Speaker 1: So I'm excited to watch her grow. I'm excited to

989
00:58:56,360 --> 00:59:01,360
Speaker 1: join a gym again, like very simple small thing there

990
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:06,080
Speaker 1: with life coming back around, and I'm excited for the

991
00:59:06,120 --> 00:59:07,760
Speaker 1: people that are going to come into my life who

992
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:11,240
Speaker 1: haven't met yet I'm really excited. I'm super excited about that.

993
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:20,080
Speaker 2: When someone comes to your Instagram page, they see a

994
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:22,960
Speaker 2: girl with they see a woman with one hundred and

995
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:27,040
Speaker 2: ten thousand followers, who's rocking some pink hair from time

996
00:59:27,080 --> 00:59:31,400
Speaker 2: to time, doing some yoga, living her life, wearing a

997
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:35,680
Speaker 2: rainbow every now and again. When you look into the mirror,

998
00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:38,040
Speaker 2: what is it that you see looking back at you.

999
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:42,480
Speaker 1: I love that you said girl and then said woman,

1000
00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:45,360
Speaker 1: because that's exactly what I see in the mirror. I

1001
00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:48,240
Speaker 1: there are some days where I still see a girl.

1002
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:53,680
Speaker 1: I still see a young girl who needs love and

1003
00:59:53,800 --> 01:00:00,840
Speaker 1: who's scared and who's just trying to find acceptance. And

1004
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:03,840
Speaker 1: then other days, or other moments, maybe even in the

1005
01:00:03,880 --> 01:00:09,440
Speaker 1: same moment, I see a woman who is stepping into discomfort,

1006
01:00:10,560 --> 01:00:18,360
Speaker 1: dyeing her hair pink, continuing to explore a relationship with movement,

1007
01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:25,640
Speaker 1: and someone who just wants joy, not happiness, but joy,

1008
01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:31,560
Speaker 1: like straight up you feel it in your body, tingling

1009
01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:39,000
Speaker 1: excitement and joy. And I love her even when even

1010
01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:42,080
Speaker 1: when she might not feel as bright. I know that

1011
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:49,720
Speaker 1: we all have a light and it never dims. We

1012
01:00:49,800 --> 01:00:51,000
Speaker 1: just have to let it shine.

1013
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:57,080
Speaker 2: That's all it is. For someone who listened to today's

1014
01:00:57,080 --> 01:01:04,040
Speaker 2: episode and they to feel a little bit hopeless. What

1015
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:10,120
Speaker 2: would be one of your first pieces of advice to

1016
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:14,360
Speaker 2: help them get to a place where maybe they have

1017
01:01:14,560 --> 01:01:16,320
Speaker 2: just a little bit more hope.

1018
01:01:16,560 --> 01:01:19,680
Speaker 1: The sun is going to shine tomorrow. Every day is different.

1019
01:01:20,520 --> 01:01:23,959
Speaker 1: I'm getting emotional just because I know that there there

1020
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:27,240
Speaker 1: potentially are people listening who really don't feel that way.

1021
01:01:27,320 --> 01:01:31,840
Speaker 1: And even I know when I was told, you know,

1022
01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:36,520
Speaker 1: just have courage, and it's okay, you really don't. You

1023
01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:40,040
Speaker 1: don't feel it, but I promise, I promise you there's

1024
01:01:40,240 --> 01:01:44,400
Speaker 1: a rainbow, There's there's hope and love on the other side,

1025
01:01:44,680 --> 01:01:53,800
Speaker 1: and ask for help, ask for help and accept it.

1026
01:01:54,880 --> 01:01:57,440
Speaker 1: So I was in a position where I was receiving

1027
01:01:57,440 --> 01:01:59,240
Speaker 1: a lot of help, but I didn't I didn't want

1028
01:01:59,240 --> 01:02:04,000
Speaker 1: to help myself. And you're here for a reason. I

1029
01:02:04,040 --> 01:02:04,640
Speaker 1: want you to know.

1030
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:12,280
Speaker 2: That right now you have an opportunity to offer the

1031
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:17,480
Speaker 2: Alex a piece of advice. Looking back on the walk,

1032
01:02:18,120 --> 01:02:25,120
Speaker 2: what do you tell her I love you?

1033
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:28,560
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, I think that's all.

1034
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:29,840
Speaker 2: That's all we all want.

1035
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:34,320
Speaker 1: We just want to feel loved. That's what all those

1036
01:02:34,360 --> 01:02:36,840
Speaker 1: words of affirmation, it's what the touch is it's just

1037
01:02:36,880 --> 01:02:40,200
Speaker 1: this feeling of love. And when you get to a

1038
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,960
Speaker 1: place like that, you're not you don't feel it, and

1039
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:45,919
Speaker 1: I don't. I think you get to a point where

1040
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,840
Speaker 1: you just don't even want it. It's so you're over

1041
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:54,200
Speaker 1: it because you've been hurt so many times and no

1042
01:02:54,240 --> 01:02:57,040
Speaker 1: one can ever hurt you. They just build your character

1043
01:02:59,240 --> 01:03:01,840
Speaker 1: and the girl. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't

1044
01:03:01,880 --> 01:03:07,720
Speaker 1: taken that walk. So if you're feeling that right now, again,

1045
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:09,920
Speaker 1: it's not that you're getting stronger, it's that it is

1046
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:13,480
Speaker 1: showing you how strong you are. And that's what that

1047
01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:15,640
Speaker 1: experience has done for me.

1048
01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:21,280
Speaker 2: Thank you for all of it. As I know this

1049
01:03:21,400 --> 01:03:23,880
Speaker 2: was a lot to take on and a heavy conversation,

1050
01:03:24,040 --> 01:03:26,880
Speaker 2: but one that you and I spoke in depth about

1051
01:03:26,880 --> 01:03:30,320
Speaker 2: before we sat down to have it. So I'm grateful

1052
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:33,880
Speaker 2: to be able to bring this to the feed, and

1053
01:03:33,920 --> 01:03:37,280
Speaker 2: I'm grateful for your friendship, and I'm grateful to be

1054
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:38,520
Speaker 2: sitting here with you right now.

1055
01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:42,920
Speaker 1: I feel the same. I love you and it's an honor.

1056
01:03:43,800 --> 01:03:47,520
Speaker 2: How do the hurdlers keep up with you? Give me

1057
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:49,880
Speaker 2: your details, Alex silver Vagen.

1058
01:03:49,760 --> 01:03:51,680
Speaker 1: The deets, Well, my cell phone is.

1059
01:03:53,760 --> 01:03:56,200
Speaker 2: We haven't you haven't done the text message marketing thing.

1060
01:03:56,360 --> 01:03:58,600
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, no, I cannot keep up with it on

1061
01:03:58,640 --> 01:03:59,920
Speaker 1: the radar.

1062
01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,480
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know if it's actually on

1063
01:04:01,520 --> 01:04:03,640
Speaker 2: my radar. No, it's not. It's overwhelming.

1064
01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:06,640
Speaker 1: If you would like to connect with me, Instagram is

1065
01:04:06,640 --> 01:04:09,880
Speaker 1: a great place Alex Silverfagan and then my website Alex

1066
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:13,520
Speaker 1: Silverfagan dot com. You'll be able to download my app

1067
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:18,280
Speaker 1: right from the website. I upload five plus workouts a week,

1068
01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:22,840
Speaker 1: depending on if I'm giving myself space or not. But yes,

1069
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:26,960
Speaker 1: there's yoga, strength training, and then my own signature class,

1070
01:04:26,960 --> 01:04:29,400
Speaker 1: Flow in a Strong, which is yoga and strength blended together.

1071
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,560
Speaker 1: But a lot of the messages that we've talked about

1072
01:04:31,600 --> 01:04:35,200
Speaker 1: during this podcast are described in that class. So that's

1073
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 1: where you can find me. I hope to see you

1074
01:04:37,120 --> 01:04:41,280
Speaker 1: on the app or just on the interwebs. And I

1075
01:04:41,360 --> 01:04:41,959
Speaker 1: love you all.

1076
01:04:42,520 --> 01:04:45,320
Speaker 2: I love you all. I'm over at Emily a Body

1077
01:04:45,480 --> 01:04:50,240
Speaker 2: and at Hurdle Podcast. Another Hurdle Conquered. Catch you guys

1078
01:04:50,280 --> 01:04:50,680
Speaker 2: next time.