WEBVTT - Thursday Therapy: Making Love a Priority 0:00:01.960 --> 0:00:05.400 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast. 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:10.000 This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got doctor Wendy Walshan. She 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:14.240 is a relationship expert. She has a radio show on iHeartRadio, 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:17.439 the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, which she's a leader on 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:21.000 relationships and the authority on love, sex and romantic relationships. 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:26.960 Let's get her on. Hello, Hi, how are you good? Good? 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:28.240 Good to see you? You didn't good? 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:31.080 Nice to see. Have I been on this podcast before 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:31.680 you have? 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:33.440 I believe it was a while ago. 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:37.879 It looks like three times, so I mean you've been 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:40.320 on the journey and now I'm I'm remarried. 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:44.160 So yeah, she's getting married August ninth. 0:00:44.440 --> 0:00:46.360 Oh my yay. 0:00:46.600 --> 0:00:48.920 I was a good ningle mom for eighteen years and 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:51.520 just said, I'm going to give my kids the most 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:53.959 expensive thing I have, which is my time, and I'll 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:56.520 have time for dating until I get them launched. And 0:00:56.600 --> 0:01:00.800 I won the single mother lottery. My kid got into Harvard. Yeah, 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:03.680 they're all launched now. Yesterday, my youngest one, she has 0:01:03.760 --> 0:01:08.839 all kinds of learning differences, so this is actually more 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:12.480 exciting than my Harvard grat Yesterday, she passed the California 0:01:12.520 --> 0:01:14.960 board state license for esthetician. 0:01:15.440 --> 0:01:16.360 Oh that's amazing. 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:18.640 So I'm like, now I'm like, let's get this girl 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:21.160 into a spa and a job. I'm getting married and 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:21.880 I'm out of here. 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:24.960 That's amazing, And yeah, I mean that's actually we'll just 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:26.959 jump right into it with that first. You know, first 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:29.200 thing is, I feel like there's so many people who 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:32.480 reach out to me that say, you know, I just 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:34.600 and I felt the same way, like when I got divorced, 0:01:34.600 --> 0:01:36.240 it was like, Okay, I'm going to be alone forever. 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:37.800 No one's going to love me, no one's going to 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:40.240 want me. And you know, just a couple of years later, 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:42.840 I met the love of my life. And and but 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:46.160 a lot of people when you're in that state, like 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:47.840 you don't think it's going to happen for you. And 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:49.840 there's people that have been you know, my mom, she 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:54.160 was single for twenty plus years post my dad's you know, 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.920 post their divorce, and you know, you then you hear 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:00.520 you know, your story about your about to get married 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:03.240 after eighteen years of you know, being a single mom, 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:05.800 and it's like that I want to give that hope 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:09.480 to the people out there because it feels so hopeless 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:11.240 when you're in that situation, and I'm like, but it 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:13.520 can happen tomorrow. You can meet your person tomorrow, like 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:14.080 you just. 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:17.440 Well, I will say this, Do you know how you 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:21.320 fall in love? You make it your priority. I didn't 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:23.880 just happen to meet my guy after eighteen years. I 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:26.000 went on bumble. I knew for a specific type. I 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:29.119 wanted somebody around my age who was ready retirement, who 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:31.120 had kids around the same age, and I only dated 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.000 that type. And I was on a mission to find 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:38.520 my kick ass last third of my life relationship. I 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:40.960 also think that when you talk about this hopeless feeling, 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:46.359 is that a lot of people have agism floating around 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:49.959 their head, or ideas about who would love somebody who 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:52.560 had four kids, or who would love somebody who's old. 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:56.959 I want to remind everyone that the data doesn't support 0:02:57.040 --> 0:03:01.160 this fear that peers stay attract it to peers across 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:05.280 the lifespan, except for a small minority who get all 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:08.600 the media attention, a few men who date much younger women, 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:11.680 a few women who are cougars and date much younger men. 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.680 The truth is most people want to date somebody who 0:03:14.680 --> 0:03:18.720 has the same references as they do, So you know 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:20.760 there there is. And the other thing is that we're 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:23.919 not in the nineteen sixties or seventies, where oh, how 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:26.360 do you find somebody? If you're in your fifties, there's 0:03:26.720 --> 0:03:30.560 there's a dating pool, a mating marketplace in every age 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:32.320 group across the lifespan. 0:03:32.280 --> 0:03:34.600 Right, yeah, I mean, and just like to your point, 0:03:34.600 --> 0:03:37.600 it's like, Okay, you attracted what you wanted and I 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:40.160 have you know, a few friends where I'm like like, well, 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:42.480 it's just so hard to meet people. And that does 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:46.120 make sense, especially in the age of apps and everything, 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:48.520 and if you don't want to go out, but you 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:49.920 know you got to weed through the apps if you 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:50.840 want to meet someone. 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:53.120 Yeah, now it's an insurance test. It's not like, oh, 0:03:53.520 --> 0:03:57.280 nobody in my mating marketplace. It's there's too many people 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:00.880 and how I discern. And that's when it comes down 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:04.320 to your own attachment style, the healing work you've done 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:07.920 with a therapist so that you can choose a healthy 0:04:08.000 --> 0:04:13.120 relationship for yourself. Our relationships are a reflection of how 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:17.440 we feel about ourselves, and we give people permission to 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:18.240 treat us badly. 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:21.440 Yeah, I mean, that's what we also think we might deserve. 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:24.640 Like you know kind of like, but yeah, yeah, I 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:27.159 think we deserve one thousand percent. What is the number 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:30.120 one question that you could ask as a relationship expert. 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:34.480 When to begin having sex in a new relationship. Really, 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.640 I under present the most common question because we're in 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:42.320 a time of such sexual freedom and women can own 0:04:42.360 --> 0:04:44.800 their own orgasm and go out and shop for a 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:46.240 penis whenever they want. 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:48.680 And twenty percent off if they use my coat I'm getting. 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:54.720 And then they get upset when this man who they 0:04:55.440 --> 0:04:57.479 sent all the signals to that this is a short 0:04:57.560 --> 0:04:59.960 term relationship, then they get upset that he doesn't want 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:02.440 long term relationship. And I want to preface what I'm 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:08.760 about to say to you with this sexual orientation is 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:13.120 fluid and it is a giant scale. There's no one 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:15.960 right way to form bond and be a couple. Just 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:17.919 want to say that. But now let me talk to 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:21.800 heterosexual women who want to attract a heterosexual man for 0:05:21.880 --> 0:05:24.599 long term commitment. Let's just talk about that narrow group. 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:28.760 If you have sex too quickly, it tells him that 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:32.520 he can't trust you. You see, men don't fall in 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:34.520 love through sex. They can have sex with the same 0:05:34.560 --> 0:05:36.760 woman every week for six months, and not like any 0:05:36.800 --> 0:05:38.680 bit better than they did on that first night. Hook Cup. 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:41.480 Women fall in love through sex. The more often they 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:43.359 have sex with the same guy, the more their bodies 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.200 emit so much oxytocin that they end up falling in 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:48.200 love with a loser, sometimes just because he happens to 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:52.119 be good to bet And so men fall in love 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:55.719 through trust. They want to know who has their back. 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.000 They want to know who's going to be loyal to them. 0:05:58.240 --> 0:06:00.640 They want to know who's going to protect them. And 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:04.440 when you have sex with them too early, they don't 0:06:04.440 --> 0:06:07.240 trust you because they immediately think she's doing that with 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:07.760 all the guys. 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:09.919 Then, so what would be then the timeline that you 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:10.760 give people. 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:13.440 So there isn't a timeline. The timeline is this, have 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:17.920 sex when you have trust, and how you have trusty 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:20.960 watch them sacrifice for you. You know, a woman called 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:22.560 into my radio show the other day and she says 0:06:22.560 --> 0:06:24.640 she finally met a great guy. He's such a good communicator, 0:06:24.680 --> 0:06:26.680 and he's about five years younger, but she didn't want 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.240 to go younger. But he's great and everything's wonderful, except 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:31.640 there's one thing that after they have any kind of 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:34.440 little rupture, he does the silent treatment and doesn't talk 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:37.080 to her for a few days, which is a big problem. 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.280 I mean, according to the preacher of the Got Means 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.480 up at the Marriage Lab at the University of Washington, 0:06:41.720 --> 0:06:43.800 the silent treatment is the worst thing you can do 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:45.840 in a relationship. But anyway, I said to her, well, 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:48.400 what's this current thing? And she said, well, I was 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:50.680 feeling under the weather. But we've been invited to a 0:06:50.680 --> 0:06:52.839 barbecue at a friends in his house and we've only 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:55.120 been dating three months, so I wanted to meet his 0:06:55.160 --> 0:06:57.120 friends and put on a good show. I said him 0:06:57.160 --> 0:06:58.880 on the way in, can we have a code word 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:00.920 if I'm not feeling well and I need to leave? 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:03.719 And he said, why don't you just text me? Text 0:07:03.720 --> 0:07:07.080 me like they're not staying together? Okay, so she said. 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:09.200 She managed to say for three hours, and then she 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:12.320 said him a text saying I'm ready to go, and 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:16.280 he texted back at a party, how about forty five 0:07:16.280 --> 0:07:20.480 more minutes? And I said to her, you have your answer. 0:07:20.800 --> 0:07:22.840 This guy doesn't care about your needs. He's not going 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:24.800 to take care of you when you're on your deathbed 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:26.440 and you're sick. Is he going to be there for you? 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:29.680 Is it going to be out golfing like Lally, she 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:32.600 gave it her all. Three hours is a long time 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:34.520 when you're not feeling well to go and entertain with 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:38.960 his friends. Use that time to see if they sacrifice 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:42.360 to see and there by the way, they're investigating us too. 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:46.200 When a guy goes on a first date, all he's 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:48.480 thinking in the back of his head is am I 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:50.560 going to meet my wife tonight? Or am I going 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:54.360 to get laid? And if he gets laid, you're off 0:07:54.400 --> 0:07:59.720 wify material. So he is investigating to see if you're 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:02.720 going to be a good mate for him. But women 0:08:02.760 --> 0:08:05.640 spend too much time trying to get him to like 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:12.120 them instead of investigating whether he's worth sacrificing form No. 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:13.000 One thousand percent. 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:15.800 I mean it's yeah, it's just so hard because you 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:18.680 think that that's what the guy wants, but really it's. 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:21.760 Oh he wants it, Yeah, he wants it. He will 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:26.080 put full core press to obtain sex because he's biologically 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:29.480 wired that way. But he loves and respects and falls 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:31.440 in love with the woman who takes her time and 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:34.360 says I love it, and you can even say things, 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:37.160 you can do it in a sexy, non prudish way, honey, 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:40.080 I love sex, and I can't wait until we're close 0:08:40.200 --> 0:08:42.240 enough that we have a bond build that I can 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:44.800 just you know, ride you. It's going to be fun. 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:48.040 You can say whatever you want, whatever you want. And 0:08:48.080 --> 0:08:49.920 by the way, when they start to call you a 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:51.880 cock t's which they love to do in high school 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:54.160 and college, you just say no, no, no, I just 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:56.319 respect my body and I take him to time. Right. 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:59.560 You can sit with confidence and they respect that. 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:04.080 Yeah, gosh, I wish I could go back to like 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:07.760 my twenties and not you know, do that's like, Oh, 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.400 I hope I can teach my daughter when she's older, 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.920 you know that to to just I think I just 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:17.400 didn't respect myself enough, you know, and I just wanted 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:20.320 to please the man so much. 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:21.640 Yeah, I want to do that. 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:26.400 To just show up with estrogen and eggs. You're worthy, 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.240 Your value is there. You don't need to do anything. 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:34.240 You just need to let him see how he sacrifices. 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:36.560 For so a lot of couples on that listen to 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:41.199 the show have been you know, we this podcast was 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:44.400 you know about you know, affairs and trying to rebuild 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:49.520 a marriage. Do you think rebuilding a marriage is like 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:51.720 how do people get that trust back? Because it's so 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:53.240 hard for me to answer that because I'm like, well, 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:55.240 it didn't end well for us, Like I have my 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:58.600 answers to how you know, I think if someone keeps 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:00.599 showing up and doing what they say say, that is 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:04.120 how trust is built. But I know now that if 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:07.679 something were to ever happen in my you know, new marriage, 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:12.000 like I personally can't walk through that level of dishonesty 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:14.160 and distrust again, like because I know what it does 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:18.240 tip to myself, you know, So I guess you know, 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:20.480 what do you say to couples that have been through 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:24.840 or that are going through levels of betrayal in their 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:25.920 relationship That. 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:29.320 It's going to take a long time, that feelings of 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:34.520 anger will wax and wane, and that I think we 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:38.920 should reframe this idea of rebuilding a marriage and instead 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:42.760 say the marriage has been destroyed. We can create a 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:46.360 new marriage with the same partner. Now, it won't work 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:48.679 if the partner doesn't want to do the work, if 0:10:48.679 --> 0:10:52.280 they are the one who remember, affairs tend to be 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:56.440 a symptom of a problem in the relationship. Now, this 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.960 isn't to say let's blame the woman here, because he cheated. 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:05.199 It is basically saying the relationship itself had an unfulfilled 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:08.520 need for one of the partners, whether it was emotional, sexual, 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:12.400 just the attention. There's been research on cheating men and 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:14.040 most of them said, well, my wife didn't listen to 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:16.280 me anymore, and this woman listened to me talk. It 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:20.320 wasn't even about the sex. But building a new marriage 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.640 with a familiar partner means going to regular therapy and 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:29.240 maybe individual therapy separately and couples therapy. It may be 0:11:29.360 --> 0:11:33.880 redefining certain things and understanding your needs, and it will 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.440 take time, but it is possible. An affair does not 0:11:37.679 --> 0:11:41.880 have to be the end. However, I do want to 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:45.200 say that for many couples who are quote unquote afraid 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:47.559 to break up, they have an affair as a way 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:51.040 to do it. That's how guys. I was actually on 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:52.520 a set the other day and it was an all 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:55.559 male crew and we were doing some relationship videos and 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:58.800 I did one on how men break up, and I 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:00.679 said to the crew, how do you guys break up? 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:03.120 And they all go, you just start dating someone else, 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:06.880 like you don't need to even tell them. It's too stressful. 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:23.120 My god, what's been a relationship topic that or question 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.480 that has kind of not stumpty because obviously you're so knowledgeable, 0:12:26.520 --> 0:12:29.520 but that you kind of go back and forth. 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:32.120 On polyamory interesting. 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:37.240 I actually know a family who are polyamorous and appear 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:40.559 on every level to be very healthy, and I'm always 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:44.440 confused about what they do with their sexual jealousy. So 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:47.960 I am back and forth. I know that there are 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:53.360 a lot of people who enter into conscious non monogamy 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:56.720 or ethical non monogamy because they're so afraid of losing 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:59.600 their partner when their partner brings it up, and so 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:01.959 they get into it and they don't really want it, 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:04.080 but they go along with it because they don't want 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:07.000 to lose their partner, especially if their partner is the 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:11.000 big financial provider and there are kids involved, etc. So 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:15.520 I want to protect people, most often women, from these 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:19.760 kinds of situations. I feel also that there is a 0:13:19.800 --> 0:13:23.440 lot of confusion out there about polyamory. Polyamory is a 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:26.680 love relationship amongst more than two people, and everybody's loved 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:29.679 and they're committed to each other. It's not like swingers 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:32.840 and open doors and back and forth. It's one family 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:36.840 with more partners than two but I did a podcast 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:42.080 episode once called Pollywanacracker on polyamory, and a woman called 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:43.959 in and she said, well, I met a guy who 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:47.920 said he was polyamorous. So we had a short term relationship, 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:50.400 but then he kind of ghosted me. And I said, well, 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.840 how did you know he was polyamorous? Well, he told 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:55.960 me he had a wife, and he told me his 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:59.000 wife said it was okay. Then I said, did you 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:00.880 ever meet the wife? No? 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:01.439 No. 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:04.120 He showed me a picture though of his family, and 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:08.160 I'm like, just because they're openly cheating doesn't mean it's polyamory. 0:14:09.520 --> 0:14:11.680 You know, that's just how it makes their themselves feel 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:12.640 better about what they're doing. 0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:16.920 Yeah, and who knows if the wife even he could 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:17.800 use that as a line. 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.520 Yeah, I mean ahoaism. I would say, you know, whatever 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:24.960 people want to do, but that's just something I personally 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:25.840 could never do. 0:14:26.600 --> 0:14:30.640 I myself am blessed to have a lot of sexual jealousy, 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:34.800 and so that means I value my partner. I value 0:14:34.880 --> 0:14:38.000 him so much and he values me, and so as 0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:41.000 a result, I wouldn't want to suppress that some people 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:44.560 are able to you know, people who specialize in polyamory 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.240 call it manage it. I actually met a therapist recently 0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:52.840 at a party who specializes in taking closed relationships and 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:55.800 helping them open it up emotionally. And I say that 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:59.480 kind of sarcastically because I'm just like, how do you 0:14:59.520 --> 0:14:59.840 do that? 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:01.400 Where? I don't know? 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.520 But it works for some and as long as people 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:08.200 were happy, and I'm like great. I always love asking 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:10.520 this question, especially sometimes when I'm in therapy. I'm like, 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:13.720 all right, it's nice to know that my therapist has 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:16.440 her stuff too, right, And so I always think like 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:18.920 those that can't teach, and so I'm like, I'm curious, 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.920 what is something that inside your relationship that is your 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:26.200 biggest struggle or that you can, you know, sometimes have 0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:29.840 to you know, repair, or your hardest thing that you 0:15:29.920 --> 0:15:32.840 have to walk through own a relationship personally or well. 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:36.000 As I've grown across my lifespan, my issues have changed. 0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:36.400 Of course. 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:40.320 When I began in therapy and researching relationships and writing 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.640 books about relationships, it was all about me discovering my anxious, 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:48.640 ambivalent attachment style. I loved avoidant playboys, whether they were 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.840 athletes or actors. They were always tall and good looking 0:15:51.960 --> 0:15:55.160 and had many women chasing them and My whole goal 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:57.640 was to get one of those to love me, get 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:00.320 one of those to stay around. But if I ever 0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:03.800 met a guy who was actually a kind, secure, attached guy, 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:06.960 I'd be like, Eh, he's too nice, you know. So 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:11.280 I was the come forward, go away girl. And so 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:14.960 when I met my guy, I remember, and you know, 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.520 dating on the way to meeting him, always saying to 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.120 myself in the back of my head, well, what would 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:23.120 doctor Wendy do? What would doctor Wendy say? So it's 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.560 like I had this alter ego in my head that 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:29.119 taught me to calm down my anxiety and be attracted 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:29.960 to somebody who. 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:31.800 Was kind and nice and giving. 0:16:32.400 --> 0:16:37.840 And so that is for sure the journey that took 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:40.680 me eighteen years to overcome. And I could we could 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:43.640 do a whole other podcast about how to overcome attachment injuries. 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:48.520 But now that I'm in a healthy, secure relationship for 0:16:48.560 --> 0:16:52.960 the past four years and we're getting married, I think, 0:16:53.160 --> 0:16:56.000 like any couple, there's going to be conflict every once 0:16:56.040 --> 0:17:00.480 in a while, and how we make repair after the 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:04.240 conflict is my new journey. Because of course I want 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:06.400 to just talk it out right away. I don't want 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:08.040 him to abandon me. And go into the other room 0:17:08.040 --> 0:17:11.600 for even a number of hours. Men feel threatened by 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:16.159 that sometimes, so, but you also shouldn't. Like the two 0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:19.320 of us, our instinct is to wipe it under the 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:20.720 the rug and not bring it up again for a 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:23.679 long time because we don't want to revisit it. But 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:29.280 to bring up the prickly topics, even this small stuff. 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:32.440 You know, it might be something as simple as you know, 0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:36.880 we're we're financial peers, we're age peers. Something as simple as, hey, dude, 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:39.400 i think I've been picking up too many dinner checks. 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.040 Some things your turn, right, Like just no one wants 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:44.680 to say that because your love and everything's it all 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:46.280 comes out the laundry and then he pays for other 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:51.119 things that are big, right, So, but that's a prickly conversation. Yeah, 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:54.800 having or him, you know, bringing up there. He's too 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:57.679 sweet and he really respects women and their sexuality, so 0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:02.760 him communicating his sexual needs is a quickly conversation for him. 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:07.240 So we finding ways to bring up the unspoken stuff 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:08.600 that's uncomfortable. 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:10.880 Yeah, I think it's so interesting. 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:13.639 Like you said, you know, your things have been different, 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:15.879 and I look, you know, just thinking about my past 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:18.880 and like Okay, how I've every relationship, you know, I've 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:22.800 gone you know, healthier, I've learned more, I've healed more, 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.240 and and you know, with this one, it's I just 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:28.640 there's so much more respect in our relationship, and that 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:32.399 respect is so valued that you know, I think for me, 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:37.440 I still need to kind of I'm so much slower 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:40.080 to speak because when I would be super fast to speak, 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:43.199 i'd be you know, probably a little bit more snarkier 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:45.119 and a little bit more. 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:47.800 Cunning with my words. 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:49.840 And where it's like, wait a minute, like I respect 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:51.600 this man in front of me, Like let me gather 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:56.679 my emotions and chill out before the either the anger 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:59.800 or the whatever. And it's like we haven't had I mean, 0:19:00.760 --> 0:19:02.920 this is so polar opposite of any relationship I have. 0:19:03.000 --> 0:19:05.320 We haven't had like those a big blow ups or anything. 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:07.960 It's more just kind of annoyances or frustrations. 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:10.320 Yeah. I actually have to tell you something. The healthiest 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.800 couples have the most conflict, but they're never big fights. 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:14.680 They're little border skirmishes all day long. 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:16.399 Oh Yeah, okay, great, there you go. 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:20.520 Because I'm like, you know, it's just I don't again 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:22.560 because I think there's just that kind of like respect 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:25.119 in that layer of like there isn't wasn't anything that 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:27.000 needs like the big blood, which is kind of like ugh, 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:28.879 Like we get frustrated every once in a while, but 0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:32.880 like I think it's also because I respect and I'm 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:34.800 slow to say something and he's slow, and then and 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:36.679 then it's like, all right, hey, you know, sorry, I 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:37.520 was a little snippy. 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:38.880 I was you know, blah blah blah. 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.440 And so I think it's but I think it's also 0:19:41.560 --> 0:19:43.800 your partner, like how you're where your partner is along 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:45.680 that journey too, you know, and like the stuff that 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:47.840 you've learned along the way, I think is super helpful 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:48.560 with that. 0:19:48.880 --> 0:19:51.960 I read something recently that I thought is very very helpful, 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:55.320 and I love this description of you taking a little 0:19:55.320 --> 0:19:59.560 time to process, both to sort out your own feelings 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:01.840 and maybe ask yourself, well, where did it come from? 0:20:01.840 --> 0:20:04.280 In him? What's going on with him? Right? I'm just 0:20:04.280 --> 0:20:07.119 going to do a tiny little commercial for journaling. We 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:09.600 always hear about journaling being so good for us, but 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:11.679 the main thing it does is it puts our feelings 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:14.520 somewhere else, and then we go back because everybody does 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:17.360