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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got doctor Wendy Walshan. She

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Speaker 2: is a relationship expert. She has a radio show on iHeartRadio,

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Speaker 2: the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, which she's a leader on

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Speaker 2: relationships and the authority on love, sex and romantic relationships.

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Speaker 3: Let's get her on. Hello, Hi, how are you good? Good?

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Speaker 3: Good to see you? You didn't good?

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Speaker 1: Nice to see. Have I been on this podcast before

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Speaker 1: you have?

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Speaker 3: I believe it was a while ago.

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Speaker 2: It looks like three times, so I mean you've been

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Speaker 2: on the journey and now I'm I'm remarried.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, she's getting married August ninth.

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Speaker 3: Oh my yay.

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Speaker 1: I was a good ningle mom for eighteen years and

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Speaker 1: just said, I'm going to give my kids the most

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Speaker 1: expensive thing I have, which is my time, and I'll

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Speaker 1: have time for dating until I get them launched. And

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Speaker 1: I won the single mother lottery. My kid got into Harvard. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: they're all launched now. Yesterday, my youngest one, she has

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Speaker 1: all kinds of learning differences, so this is actually more

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Speaker 1: exciting than my Harvard grat Yesterday, she passed the California

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Speaker 1: board state license for esthetician.

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Speaker 3: Oh that's amazing.

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Speaker 1: So I'm like, now I'm like, let's get this girl

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Speaker 1: into a spa and a job. I'm getting married and

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Speaker 1: I'm out of here.

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Speaker 2: That's amazing, And yeah, I mean that's actually we'll just

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Speaker 2: jump right into it with that first. You know, first

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Speaker 2: thing is, I feel like there's so many people who

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Speaker 2: reach out to me that say, you know, I just

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Speaker 2: and I felt the same way, like when I got divorced,

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Speaker 2: it was like, Okay, I'm going to be alone forever.

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Speaker 2: No one's going to love me, no one's going to

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Speaker 2: want me. And you know, just a couple of years later,

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Speaker 2: I met the love of my life. And and but

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Speaker 2: a lot of people when you're in that state, like

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Speaker 2: you don't think it's going to happen for you. And

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Speaker 2: there's people that have been you know, my mom, she

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Speaker 2: was single for twenty plus years post my dad's you know,

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Speaker 2: post their divorce, and you know, you then you hear

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Speaker 2: you know, your story about your about to get married

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Speaker 2: after eighteen years of you know, being a single mom,

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Speaker 2: and it's like that I want to give that hope

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Speaker 2: to the people out there because it feels so hopeless

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Speaker 2: when you're in that situation, and I'm like, but it

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Speaker 2: can happen tomorrow. You can meet your person tomorrow, like

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Speaker 2: you just.

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Speaker 1: Well, I will say this, Do you know how you

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Speaker 1: fall in love? You make it your priority. I didn't

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Speaker 1: just happen to meet my guy after eighteen years. I

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Speaker 1: went on bumble. I knew for a specific type. I

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Speaker 1: wanted somebody around my age who was ready retirement, who

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Speaker 1: had kids around the same age, and I only dated

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Speaker 1: that type. And I was on a mission to find

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Speaker 1: my kick ass last third of my life relationship. I

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Speaker 1: also think that when you talk about this hopeless feeling,

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Speaker 1: is that a lot of people have agism floating around

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Speaker 1: their head, or ideas about who would love somebody who

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Speaker 1: had four kids, or who would love somebody who's old.

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Speaker 1: I want to remind everyone that the data doesn't support

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Speaker 1: this fear that peers stay attract it to peers across

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Speaker 1: the lifespan, except for a small minority who get all

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Speaker 1: the media attention, a few men who date much younger women,

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Speaker 1: a few women who are cougars and date much younger men.

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Speaker 1: The truth is most people want to date somebody who

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Speaker 1: has the same references as they do, So you know

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Speaker 1: there there is. And the other thing is that we're

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Speaker 1: not in the nineteen sixties or seventies, where oh, how

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Speaker 1: do you find somebody? If you're in your fifties, there's

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Speaker 1: there's a dating pool, a mating marketplace in every age

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Speaker 1: group across the lifespan.

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Speaker 2: Right, yeah, I mean, and just like to your point,

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Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, you attracted what you wanted and I

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Speaker 2: have you know, a few friends where I'm like like, well,

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Speaker 2: it's just so hard to meet people. And that does

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Speaker 2: make sense, especially in the age of apps and everything,

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Speaker 2: and if you don't want to go out, but you

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Speaker 2: know you got to weed through the apps if you

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Speaker 2: want to meet someone.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, now it's an insurance test. It's not like, oh,

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Speaker 1: nobody in my mating marketplace. It's there's too many people

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Speaker 1: and how I discern. And that's when it comes down

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Speaker 1: to your own attachment style, the healing work you've done

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Speaker 1: with a therapist so that you can choose a healthy

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Speaker 1: relationship for yourself. Our relationships are a reflection of how

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Speaker 1: we feel about ourselves, and we give people permission to

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Speaker 1: treat us badly.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, that's what we also think we might deserve.

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Speaker 2: Like you know kind of like, but yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 2: think we deserve one thousand percent. What is the number

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Speaker 2: one question that you could ask as a relationship expert.

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Speaker 1: When to begin having sex in a new relationship. Really,

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Speaker 1: I under present the most common question because we're in

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Speaker 1: a time of such sexual freedom and women can own

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Speaker 1: their own orgasm and go out and shop for a

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Speaker 1: penis whenever they want.

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Speaker 2: And twenty percent off if they use my coat I'm getting.

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Speaker 1: And then they get upset when this man who they

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Speaker 1: sent all the signals to that this is a short

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Speaker 1: term relationship, then they get upset that he doesn't want

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Speaker 1: long term relationship. And I want to preface what I'm

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Speaker 1: about to say to you with this sexual orientation is

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Speaker 1: fluid and it is a giant scale. There's no one

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Speaker 1: right way to form bond and be a couple. Just

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Speaker 1: want to say that. But now let me talk to

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Speaker 1: heterosexual women who want to attract a heterosexual man for

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Speaker 1: long term commitment. Let's just talk about that narrow group.

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Speaker 1: If you have sex too quickly, it tells him that

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Speaker 1: he can't trust you. You see, men don't fall in

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Speaker 1: love through sex. They can have sex with the same

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Speaker 1: woman every week for six months, and not like any

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Speaker 1: bit better than they did on that first night. Hook Cup.

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Speaker 1: Women fall in love through sex. The more often they

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Speaker 1: have sex with the same guy, the more their bodies

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Speaker 1: emit so much oxytocin that they end up falling in

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Speaker 1: love with a loser, sometimes just because he happens to

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Speaker 1: be good to bet And so men fall in love

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Speaker 1: through trust. They want to know who has their back.

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Speaker 1: They want to know who's going to be loyal to them.

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Speaker 1: They want to know who's going to protect them. And

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Speaker 1: when you have sex with them too early, they don't

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Speaker 1: trust you because they immediately think she's doing that with

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Speaker 1: all the guys.

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Speaker 2: Then, so what would be then the timeline that you

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Speaker 2: give people.

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Speaker 1: So there isn't a timeline. The timeline is this, have

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Speaker 1: sex when you have trust, and how you have trusty

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Speaker 1: watch them sacrifice for you. You know, a woman called

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Speaker 1: into my radio show the other day and she says

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Speaker 1: she finally met a great guy. He's such a good communicator,

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Speaker 1: and he's about five years younger, but she didn't want

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Speaker 1: to go younger. But he's great and everything's wonderful, except

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Speaker 1: there's one thing that after they have any kind of

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Speaker 1: little rupture, he does the silent treatment and doesn't talk

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Speaker 1: to her for a few days, which is a big problem.

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Speaker 1: I mean, according to the preacher of the Got Means

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Speaker 1: up at the Marriage Lab at the University of Washington,

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Speaker 1: the silent treatment is the worst thing you can do

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Speaker 1: in a relationship. But anyway, I said to her, well,

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Speaker 1: what's this current thing? And she said, well, I was

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Speaker 1: feeling under the weather. But we've been invited to a

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Speaker 1: barbecue at a friends in his house and we've only

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Speaker 1: been dating three months, so I wanted to meet his

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Speaker 1: friends and put on a good show. I said him

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Speaker 1: on the way in, can we have a code word

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Speaker 1: if I'm not feeling well and I need to leave?

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Speaker 1: And he said, why don't you just text me? Text

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Speaker 1: me like they're not staying together? Okay, so she said.

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Speaker 1: She managed to say for three hours, and then she

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Speaker 1: said him a text saying I'm ready to go, and

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Speaker 1: he texted back at a party, how about forty five

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Speaker 1: more minutes? And I said to her, you have your answer.

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Speaker 1: This guy doesn't care about your needs. He's not going

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Speaker 1: to take care of you when you're on your deathbed

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Speaker 1: and you're sick. Is he going to be there for you?

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Speaker 1: Is it going to be out golfing like Lally, she

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Speaker 1: gave it her all. Three hours is a long time

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Speaker 1: when you're not feeling well to go and entertain with

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Speaker 1: his friends. Use that time to see if they sacrifice

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Speaker 1: to see and there by the way, they're investigating us too.

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Speaker 1: When a guy goes on a first date, all he's

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Speaker 1: thinking in the back of his head is am I

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Speaker 1: going to meet my wife tonight? Or am I going

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Speaker 1: to get laid? And if he gets laid, you're off

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Speaker 1: wify material. So he is investigating to see if you're

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Speaker 1: going to be a good mate for him. But women

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Speaker 1: spend too much time trying to get him to like

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Speaker 1: them instead of investigating whether he's worth sacrificing form No.

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Speaker 3: One thousand percent.

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Speaker 2: I mean it's yeah, it's just so hard because you

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Speaker 2: think that that's what the guy wants, but really it's.

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Speaker 1: Oh he wants it, Yeah, he wants it. He will

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Speaker 1: put full core press to obtain sex because he's biologically

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Speaker 1: wired that way. But he loves and respects and falls

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Speaker 1: in love with the woman who takes her time and

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Speaker 1: says I love it, and you can even say things,

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Speaker 1: you can do it in a sexy, non prudish way, honey,

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Speaker 1: I love sex, and I can't wait until we're close

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Speaker 1: enough that we have a bond build that I can

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Speaker 1: just you know, ride you. It's going to be fun.

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Speaker 1: You can say whatever you want, whatever you want. And

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Speaker 1: by the way, when they start to call you a

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Speaker 1: cock t's which they love to do in high school

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Speaker 1: and college, you just say no, no, no, I just

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Speaker 1: respect my body and I take him to time. Right.

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Speaker 1: You can sit with confidence and they respect that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, gosh, I wish I could go back to like

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Speaker 2: my twenties and not you know, do that's like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: I hope I can teach my daughter when she's older,

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Speaker 2: you know that to to just I think I just

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Speaker 2: didn't respect myself enough, you know, and I just wanted

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Speaker 2: to please the man so much.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I want to do that.

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Speaker 1: To just show up with estrogen and eggs. You're worthy,

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Speaker 1: Your value is there. You don't need to do anything.

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Speaker 1: You just need to let him see how he sacrifices.

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Speaker 2: For so a lot of couples on that listen to

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Speaker 2: the show have been you know, we this podcast was

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Speaker 2: you know about you know, affairs and trying to rebuild

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Speaker 2: a marriage. Do you think rebuilding a marriage is like

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Speaker 2: how do people get that trust back? Because it's so

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Speaker 2: hard for me to answer that because I'm like, well,

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Speaker 2: it didn't end well for us, Like I have my

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Speaker 2: answers to how you know, I think if someone keeps

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Speaker 2: showing up and doing what they say say, that is

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Speaker 2: how trust is built. But I know now that if

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Speaker 2: something were to ever happen in my you know, new marriage,

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Speaker 2: like I personally can't walk through that level of dishonesty

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Speaker 2: and distrust again, like because I know what it does

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Speaker 2: tip to myself, you know, So I guess you know,

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Speaker 2: what do you say to couples that have been through

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Speaker 2: or that are going through levels of betrayal in their

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Speaker 2: relationship That.

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Speaker 1: It's going to take a long time, that feelings of

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Speaker 1: anger will wax and wane, and that I think we

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Speaker 1: should reframe this idea of rebuilding a marriage and instead

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Speaker 1: say the marriage has been destroyed. We can create a

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Speaker 1: new marriage with the same partner. Now, it won't work

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Speaker 1: if the partner doesn't want to do the work, if

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Speaker 1: they are the one who remember, affairs tend to be

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Speaker 1: a symptom of a problem in the relationship. Now, this

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Speaker 1: isn't to say let's blame the woman here, because he cheated.

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Speaker 1: It is basically saying the relationship itself had an unfulfilled

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Speaker 1: need for one of the partners, whether it was emotional, sexual,

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Speaker 1: just the attention. There's been research on cheating men and

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Speaker 1: most of them said, well, my wife didn't listen to

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Speaker 1: me anymore, and this woman listened to me talk. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't even about the sex. But building a new marriage

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Speaker 1: with a familiar partner means going to regular therapy and

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Speaker 1: maybe individual therapy separately and couples therapy. It may be

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Speaker 1: redefining certain things and understanding your needs, and it will

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Speaker 1: take time, but it is possible. An affair does not

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Speaker 1: have to be the end. However, I do want to

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Speaker 1: say that for many couples who are quote unquote afraid

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Speaker 1: to break up, they have an affair as a way

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Speaker 1: to do it. That's how guys. I was actually on

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Speaker 1: a set the other day and it was an all

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Speaker 1: male crew and we were doing some relationship videos and

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Speaker 1: I did one on how men break up, and I

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Speaker 1: said to the crew, how do you guys break up?

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Speaker 1: And they all go, you just start dating someone else,

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Speaker 1: like you don't need to even tell them. It's too stressful.

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Speaker 2: My god, what's been a relationship topic that or question

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Speaker 2: that has kind of not stumpty because obviously you're so knowledgeable,

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Speaker 2: but that you kind of go back and forth.

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Speaker 3: On polyamory interesting.

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Speaker 1: I actually know a family who are polyamorous and appear

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Speaker 1: on every level to be very healthy, and I'm always

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Speaker 1: confused about what they do with their sexual jealousy. So

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Speaker 1: I am back and forth. I know that there are

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Speaker 1: a lot of people who enter into conscious non monogamy

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Speaker 1: or ethical non monogamy because they're so afraid of losing

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Speaker 1: their partner when their partner brings it up, and so

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Speaker 1: they get into it and they don't really want it,

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Speaker 1: but they go along with it because they don't want

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Speaker 1: to lose their partner, especially if their partner is the

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Speaker 1: big financial provider and there are kids involved, etc. So

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Speaker 1: I want to protect people, most often women, from these

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Speaker 1: kinds of situations. I feel also that there is a

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Speaker 1: lot of confusion out there about polyamory. Polyamory is a

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Speaker 1: love relationship amongst more than two people, and everybody's loved

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Speaker 1: and they're committed to each other. It's not like swingers

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Speaker 1: and open doors and back and forth. It's one family

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Speaker 1: with more partners than two but I did a podcast

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Speaker 1: episode once called Pollywanacracker on polyamory, and a woman called

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Speaker 1: in and she said, well, I met a guy who

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Speaker 1: said he was polyamorous. So we had a short term relationship,

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Speaker 1: but then he kind of ghosted me. And I said, well,

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Speaker 1: how did you know he was polyamorous? Well, he told

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Speaker 1: me he had a wife, and he told me his

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Speaker 1: wife said it was okay. Then I said, did you

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Speaker 1: ever meet the wife? No?

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 1: He showed me a picture though of his family, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, just because they're openly cheating doesn't mean it's polyamory.

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Speaker 2: You know, that's just how it makes their themselves feel

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Speaker 2: better about what they're doing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and who knows if the wife even he could

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Speaker 1: use that as a line.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean ahoaism. I would say, you know, whatever

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Speaker 2: people want to do, but that's just something I personally

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Speaker 2: could never do.

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Speaker 1: I myself am blessed to have a lot of sexual jealousy,

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Speaker 1: and so that means I value my partner. I value

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Speaker 1: him so much and he values me, and so as

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Speaker 1: a result, I wouldn't want to suppress that some people

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Speaker 1: are able to you know, people who specialize in polyamory

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Speaker 1: call it manage it. I actually met a therapist recently

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Speaker 1: at a party who specializes in taking closed relationships and

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Speaker 1: helping them open it up emotionally. And I say that

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Speaker 1: kind of sarcastically because I'm just like, how do you

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Speaker 1: do that?

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Speaker 3: Where? I don't know?

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Speaker 2: But it works for some and as long as people

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Speaker 2: were happy, and I'm like great. I always love asking

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Speaker 2: this question, especially sometimes when I'm in therapy. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: all right, it's nice to know that my therapist has

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Speaker 2: her stuff too, right, And so I always think like

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Speaker 2: those that can't teach, and so I'm like, I'm curious,

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Speaker 2: what is something that inside your relationship that is your

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Speaker 2: biggest struggle or that you can, you know, sometimes have

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Speaker 2: to you know, repair, or your hardest thing that you

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Speaker 2: have to walk through own a relationship personally or well.

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Speaker 1: As I've grown across my lifespan, my issues have changed.

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Speaker 3: Of course.

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Speaker 1: When I began in therapy and researching relationships and writing

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Speaker 1: books about relationships, it was all about me discovering my anxious,

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Speaker 1: ambivalent attachment style. I loved avoidant playboys, whether they were

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Speaker 1: athletes or actors. They were always tall and good looking

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Speaker 1: and had many women chasing them and My whole goal

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Speaker 1: was to get one of those to love me, get

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Speaker 1: one of those to stay around. But if I ever

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Speaker 1: met a guy who was actually a kind, secure, attached guy,

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Speaker 1: I'd be like, Eh, he's too nice, you know. So

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Speaker 1: I was the come forward, go away girl. And so

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Speaker 1: when I met my guy, I remember, and you know,

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Speaker 1: dating on the way to meeting him, always saying to

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Speaker 1: myself in the back of my head, well, what would

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Speaker 1: doctor Wendy do? What would doctor Wendy say? So it's

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Speaker 1: like I had this alter ego in my head that

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Speaker 1: taught me to calm down my anxiety and be attracted

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Speaker 1: to somebody who.

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Speaker 3: Was kind and nice and giving.

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Speaker 1: And so that is for sure the journey that took

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Speaker 1: me eighteen years to overcome. And I could we could

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Speaker 1: do a whole other podcast about how to overcome attachment injuries.

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Speaker 1: But now that I'm in a healthy, secure relationship for

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Speaker 1: the past four years and we're getting married, I think,

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Speaker 1: like any couple, there's going to be conflict every once

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Speaker 1: in a while, and how we make repair after the

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Speaker 1: conflict is my new journey. Because of course I want

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Speaker 1: to just talk it out right away. I don't want

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Speaker 1: him to abandon me. And go into the other room

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Speaker 1: for even a number of hours. Men feel threatened by

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Speaker 1: that sometimes, so, but you also shouldn't. Like the two

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Speaker 1: of us, our instinct is to wipe it under the

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Speaker 1: the rug and not bring it up again for a

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Speaker 1: long time because we don't want to revisit it. But

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Speaker 1: to bring up the prickly topics, even this small stuff.

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Speaker 1: You know, it might be something as simple as you know,

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Speaker 1: we're we're financial peers, we're age peers. Something as simple as, hey, dude,

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Speaker 1: i think I've been picking up too many dinner checks.

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Speaker 1: Some things your turn, right, Like just no one wants

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Speaker 1: to say that because your love and everything's it all

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Speaker 1: comes out the laundry and then he pays for other

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Speaker 1: things that are big, right, So, but that's a prickly conversation. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: having or him, you know, bringing up there. He's too

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Speaker 1: sweet and he really respects women and their sexuality, so

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Speaker 1: him communicating his sexual needs is a quickly conversation for him.

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Speaker 1: So we finding ways to bring up the unspoken stuff

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Speaker 1: that's uncomfortable.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's so interesting.

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Speaker 2: Like you said, you know, your things have been different,

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Speaker 2: and I look, you know, just thinking about my past

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Speaker 2: and like Okay, how I've every relationship, you know, I've

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Speaker 2: gone you know, healthier, I've learned more, I've healed more,

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Speaker 2: and and you know, with this one, it's I just

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Speaker 2: there's so much more respect in our relationship, and that

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Speaker 2: respect is so valued that you know, I think for me,

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Speaker 2: I still need to kind of I'm so much slower

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Speaker 2: to speak because when I would be super fast to speak,

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Speaker 2: i'd be you know, probably a little bit more snarkier

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Speaker 2: and a little bit more.

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Speaker 3: Cunning with my words.

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Speaker 2: And where it's like, wait a minute, like I respect

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Speaker 2: this man in front of me, Like let me gather

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Speaker 2: my emotions and chill out before the either the anger

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Speaker 2: or the whatever. And it's like we haven't had I mean,

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Speaker 2: this is so polar opposite of any relationship I have.

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Speaker 3: We haven't had like those a big blow ups or anything.

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Speaker 2: It's more just kind of annoyances or frustrations.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I actually have to tell you something. The healthiest

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Speaker 1: couples have the most conflict, but they're never big fights.

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Speaker 1: They're little border skirmishes all day long.

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Speaker 3: Oh Yeah, okay, great, there you go.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm like, you know, it's just I don't again

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Speaker 2: because I think there's just that kind of like respect

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Speaker 2: in that layer of like there isn't wasn't anything that

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Speaker 2: needs like the big blood, which is kind of like ugh,

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Speaker 2: Like we get frustrated every once in a while, but

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Speaker 2: like I think it's also because I respect and I'm

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Speaker 2: slow to say something and he's slow, and then and

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Speaker 2: then it's like, all right, hey, you know, sorry, I

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Speaker 2: was a little snippy.

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Speaker 3: I was you know, blah blah blah.

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Speaker 2: And so I think it's but I think it's also

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Speaker 2: your partner, like how you're where your partner is along

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Speaker 2: that journey too, you know, and like the stuff that

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Speaker 2: you've learned along the way, I think is super helpful

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Speaker 2: with that.

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Speaker 1: I read something recently that I thought is very very helpful,

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Speaker 1: and I love this description of you taking a little

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Speaker 1: time to process, both to sort out your own feelings

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Speaker 1: and maybe ask yourself, well, where did it come from?

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Speaker 1: In him? What's going on with him? Right? I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to do a tiny little commercial for journaling. We

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Speaker 1: always hear about journaling being so good for us, but

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Speaker 1: the main thing it does is it puts our feelings

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Speaker 1: somewhere else, and then we go back because everybody does

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Speaker 1: and rereads them. And when we read them. We've now

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Speaker 1: created a gap. We are now the audience watching someone

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Speaker 1: else's story, and it takes away the sting from it all.

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Speaker 1: So you do it in your head, the processing. I'm

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Speaker 1: be quick with my words. I'm going to sit and

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Speaker 1: watch this.

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Speaker 2: I'm just very reactive, and so I've learned that my

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Speaker 2: reactive tone is not a lovely tone, and I need

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Speaker 2: to like it. I need to be reactive in my

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Speaker 2: brain and not outwardly. And then once I'm reactive in

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Speaker 2: my brain, I'm like, oh, that's actually not that big

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Speaker 2: of a deal at all, and then I can express

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Speaker 2: it better.

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Speaker 1: That's the work of taking emotions out of our ancient

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Speaker 1: brain and filtering prefrontal cortex. But I read something recently

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Speaker 1: that said, when there's conflict, when you're with your partner,

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Speaker 1: the question that you should be asking them, and or

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Speaker 1: at least asking yourself inside your head, is why why

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Speaker 1: this now? What What is going on for you? What

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Speaker 1: is it? Is there something in your childhood that might

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Speaker 1: have triggered this?

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Speaker 3: What is?

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Speaker 1: Because it's never about what's happening now, It's always about

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Speaker 1: a re injury of something that happened in the past,

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Speaker 1: and this is a new a new trigger.

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Speaker 3: Never about the lamp shade. That's therapist.

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Speaker 2: That was just like that about the lamp shade that

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Speaker 2: you guys are writing about, it's about something else. I've

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Speaker 2: never forgotten that many many years ago, I was told that,

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Speaker 2: So your show that you have what is like, what's

431
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Speaker 2: what's kind of coming next? You have another book coming out,

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Speaker 2: because I know you had a book out of what

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Speaker 2: a couple of years ago.

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Speaker 1: This, So I want to tell you my little life

435
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Speaker 1: transition story. I've been on iHeartRadio for ten years year

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Speaker 1: and I teach at California State University Channel Islands for

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Speaker 1: ten years now. And during the pandemic, we all went

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Speaker 1: to Zoom and it was really fun, and I took

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Speaker 1: an eight state road trip with two teenatures to visit

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Speaker 1: friends I had not seen in years and years because

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Speaker 1: I was so cloistered during the pandemic that literally it

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Speaker 1: was masks and gloves and a cooler full of sandwiches.

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Speaker 1: We didn't even know if we had bathrooms. We bought

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Speaker 1: baby wipes like it was crazy. And on the way back,

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Speaker 1: I stopped in Oregon and bought a farm where I

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Speaker 1: am sitting right now. During the last three years, I

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Speaker 1: have been developing the property and creating airbnbs, and it's

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Speaker 1: right in the middle of a beautiful valley called the

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Speaker 1: Applegate Valley full of vineyards. So I'm trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out how to put my two lives together. And I

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Speaker 1: recently got the rights back to my third book, The

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Speaker 1: Thirty Day Love Detalks from the publisher, and I said,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to rewrite that book and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: put it out. I'm changing the whole name. Is the

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Speaker 1: reason why I didn't do so well because the title

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Speaker 1: did not match the book and they thought up the title.

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Speaker 1: But my new title is blue Chip Sex, Finding Love

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Speaker 1: in a high supply sexual Economy, and it's about, you know,

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Speaker 1: mendo fall in love through sex. But it's also how

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Speaker 1: to manage the high competition that women feel through Instagram, porn,

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Speaker 1: their slutty girlfriends, et cetera. Because it raises their anxiety,

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Speaker 1: like they how can they hold back and wait and

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Speaker 1: see if he's the one if all these other women

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Speaker 1: are giving him sex right, and this is the thing

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Speaker 1: that's created. So it's about how to have great sex

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Speaker 1: with the right person at the right time to build

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Speaker 1: a long term commitment. And then I.

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Speaker 3: Thought that's definitely a grabbing title.

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Speaker 1: So blue chip sex. And then I thought, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to organize women's retreats.

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Speaker 3: Love that.

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Speaker 2: That's what I was like hoping you were about to

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Speaker 2: say too, because I just, oh, I love a good retreat.

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Speaker 1: Because it's all done, and we can do recovering from

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Speaker 1: divorce retreats, we can do single women retreats. We put

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Speaker 1: them all together and talk about all the issues of relationships.

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Speaker 3: So stay tuned for that. I love that.

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Speaker 2: And what is your since you're about to be a

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Speaker 2: married woman again, what is your best piece of advice

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Speaker 2: for newliods that you'll take on as your own too?

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Speaker 1: And this is really important because I've noticed it happening already.

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Speaker 1: The only difference between being married and not is what

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Speaker 1: the public thinks of that, what your friends and family

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Speaker 1: and colleagues think of that. In other words, your relationship

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Speaker 1: is not a different relationship. The morning you wake up married,

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Speaker 1: everybody treats you differently because in our culture we tend

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Speaker 1: to organize ourselves around couplehood. I know, as eighteen years

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Speaker 1: as a single mom, I felt very left out and

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Speaker 1: I didn't get invited to a lot of things because

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Speaker 1: it was a couple's learn and I didn't get invited, right,

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Speaker 1: And so I was happy in the last four years

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Speaker 1: to be back in the couple's world. But you will

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Speaker 1: see that there are people in your life who unconsciously

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Speaker 1: are going to be rattled by this new organization. Whether

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Speaker 1: they are your adult children and we have four, whether

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Speaker 1: it is your best ye friend who starts calling less

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Speaker 1: or getting snippy with you because they're feeling unconsciously a

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Speaker 1: loss or a bit of abandonment.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: You don't know how people are going to react to

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Speaker 1: this marriage. It's not all happy and joy for everybody else.

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Speaker 1: Some of them feel they're losing a piece of you, right,

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Speaker 1: And so just be prepared for some weird and wacky

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Speaker 1: reactions from friends and family where you're like, you're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be happy for me, what's going on here? Right?

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Speaker 3: Interesting? I would never even thought of that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're reorganizing your social world and your family world

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Speaker 1: because relationships are a bridge between tribes, and you're creating

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Speaker 1: this new bridge, and it impacts everybody's ecosystem emotional ecosystem

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Speaker 1: for sure.

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Speaker 2: Well, Wendy, have an amazing wedding. I'm so excited for

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Speaker 2: you and I cannot wait to have you on again.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, it's always a pleasure to see you. And

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Speaker 1: congratulations you knew we went.

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Speaker 3: Thank you appreciate it. Bye girl nice