Speaker 1: M wind Down with Janet Kramer and I have our
Speaker 1: radio podcast. My heart is like pounding, so is mine. UM,
Speaker 1: welcome back to wind Down. Uh, this is so sorry
Speaker 1: for everyone listening right now. This is not easy. UM.
Speaker 1: I have Sarah Gretzky hi in Nashville with me. She
Speaker 1: surprised me yesterday, and UM, we're gonna we're gonna get
Speaker 1: you through this. We're gonna get you through this. For
Speaker 1: those of you that haven't seen the news, UM, I
Speaker 1: filed for divorce, uh a few weeks ago, and it
Speaker 1: has not been easy. I'll say that. UM. And honestly,
Speaker 1: I don't even know, like like I don't even know
Speaker 1: if I want to do the show anymore. I mean
Speaker 1: completely honest. Um, you know, I started the show, you know,
Speaker 1: by myself and something I always wanted to do. And um,
Speaker 1: and then you know, once Mike came on as a guest,
Speaker 1: and then we talked about our stuff, and you know,
Speaker 1: he said that he loved sharing, and so then we
Speaker 1: partnered together and but then it just felt like ours.
Speaker 1: And so now it feels weird, um, not having him
Speaker 1: on here, and uh, I don't know, like it's not
Speaker 1: it's just it feels weird. It's like a m I mean,
Speaker 1: I can imagine. So this is this was y'all's thing
Speaker 1: that took off. This is this has always been your thing,
Speaker 1: but you know when you guys joined together, it really
Speaker 1: became I mean it was the two of you. And
Speaker 1: now you're here, which is so I don't even know
Speaker 1: how you're doing it. You're so strong, And that's what
Speaker 1: I want you to know that everyone listening right now
Speaker 1: loves you, has your back, and you could come on
Speaker 1: here and talk about absolutely nothing and everyone is still
Speaker 1: going to cheer for you and lift you up. So
Speaker 1: just know that you have an insane army behind you
Speaker 1: of all of these listeners who are literally just tuning
Speaker 1: in today to hear that you're okay, Like they just
Speaker 1: want to know that you're okay, and it's it's tasts.
Speaker 1: So you've got balls to be able to come on here,
Speaker 1: and you're so strong to be able to, you know,
Speaker 1: address it. And and I'm just amazed. So cry and
Speaker 1: you take No one wants to hear an hour of crying,
Speaker 1: but I mean you won't sniffling is like stop the sniffling, No,
Speaker 1: but you I mean it's hard right now, and even
Speaker 1: last night, like you you've. I definitely think you're better
Speaker 1: like you are. Yeah, I know you might not feel it,
Speaker 1: but it takes time. I mean it's fresh, but even
Speaker 1: you know, every day so cliche, but every day you're
Speaker 1: tackling something and you're feeling better, you know. I don't
Speaker 1: know about that. I feel like it goes in waves.
Speaker 1: Um like I've. I feel like I'm so in the
Speaker 1: middle of the grieving where it's like and I when
Speaker 1: when I when I grieve, I isolate and I am
Speaker 1: like I don't want to I don't respond to like
Speaker 1: my people, and I just like stay in bed. And
Speaker 1: I had a friend come over the other day and
Speaker 1: she was just like like I'm here for the grieving.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, she's like, you have to
Speaker 1: get out of bed, and I'm like, I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't know how. Sometimes it's like and it's like the
Speaker 1: days that you know, I've and obviously I have to
Speaker 1: because the kids, But the morning and the night are
Speaker 1: the hardest because it's like I I wake up and
Speaker 1: it's like that scene in Sex in the City where
Speaker 1: she's like was it a dream? And then at night
Speaker 1: it's like my like I just can't. I can't sleep,
Speaker 1: and it's like, you know me, I'm usually in bed
Speaker 1: by eight thirty and like lights out by nine, and
Speaker 1: now I'm like counting the clock at two in the
Speaker 1: morning and being like, oh god, I gotta get up,
Speaker 1: and you know, the best mom I can be, but
Speaker 1: it's like I've never It's just it's it's so on.
Speaker 1: It's so hard when I have all these feelings and
Speaker 1: emotions and um and then I have to be a
Speaker 1: mom on top of it. It's like it's I almost
Speaker 1: like the first week I counted down the nap time
Speaker 1: because I was like, Okay, I can go in my
Speaker 1: room and just like shut the door and like cry
Speaker 1: and my like just like cry, you know, and then
Speaker 1: like button it back up by like because it's like
Speaker 1: obviously I don't want the kids seeing this, of course.
Speaker 1: And I think that's I mean, everything you're saying right now,
Speaker 1: anyone who's been through this, I think this is so
Speaker 1: normal and so relatable. Like you're not alone in feeling
Speaker 1: this way. It's just something that you're trying to navigate
Speaker 1: and you're doing the best that you can. Like you said,
Speaker 1: it's like, of course you're grieving, but it's like the
Speaker 1: kids are up and stuff I don't have. You don't
Speaker 1: have time to grieve. It is game time all day
Speaker 1: for you. And so I think that you're doing the
Speaker 1: best that you can. Like you, you really really are.
Speaker 1: I've only been here for a day, but I've seen it,
Speaker 1: and well, you caught me. I was angry. I've been
Speaker 1: I've been sad, sad, sad, said sad, and then I
Speaker 1: hit a. You saw me on my one angry day.
Speaker 1: But I think, I mean, I think it's okay to
Speaker 1: be angry, and I think it's healthy to be angry
Speaker 1: because you know, everyone goes through waits. First you're sad,
Speaker 1: then you're you know, first we get sad, then we
Speaker 1: get mad. And I think it's okay whatever you're feeling,
Speaker 1: even if you were feeling happy or whatever you feel,
Speaker 1: it's okay to feel that. And I think that's important
Speaker 1: for you to just remind yourself that you're doing the
Speaker 1: best you can. You're Nobody ever expected this, yeah, like
Speaker 1: this was not something you were like, I mean, not
Speaker 1: that anyone's ever prepared, but like you know, yeah, I
Speaker 1: I I do owe it to you, know, you and
Speaker 1: my friends. It's because because I still can't physically do
Speaker 1: things because of my freaking boob job that I got,
Speaker 1: so I can't lift things. I can't, you know. And
Speaker 1: it's like I've I've had friends come over here and
Speaker 1: you know, do my Now I can do it all,
Speaker 1: but like, well not all of it, but like I
Speaker 1: couldn't even put glasses in the ashwasher because I was
Speaker 1: so depressed. Like I was like I had literally had
Speaker 1: my girls on rotation being like doing my dishes, taking
Speaker 1: my trash out, you know, like helping clean the house,
Speaker 1: like helping me. Well, I'm just like a zombie. And
Speaker 1: that was like for two weeks, I was just in
Speaker 1: a totally and now I just kind of go in
Speaker 1: and out of like crying. And then because I didn't
Speaker 1: want this at the end of the day, like I think,
Speaker 1: I think we're like where I'm at as I'm embarrassed,
Speaker 1: Like I'm embarrassed by Yeah, I'm I'm embarrassed that this
Speaker 1: is how it ended. And then I also feel like
Speaker 1: I let people down because it's you know, we've come
Speaker 1: out here and we fought and we fought for it,
Speaker 1: but really the words that was spoken wasn't I don't
Speaker 1: know they were honest from me is what I'll say. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm I'm speechless, like I'm trying to find words,
Speaker 1: and I just I don't want you to feel any
Speaker 1: of those things, embarrassed, whatever it is, because I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm someone who considers myself in in the circle, in
Speaker 1: the Mix, podcast with You guys, shows with you, I
Speaker 1: was so this took me by like I was completely
Speaker 1: completely shook and shocked at all of this, So I
Speaker 1: can't even imagine how it was for you. And I
Speaker 1: just yeah, I yeah, I mean I did too, because
Speaker 1: even a few days before things came to light, we
Speaker 1: were like, wow, we're really good right now, you know,
Speaker 1: And I was like that was where it was just
Speaker 1: like a because I thought we were good, and you know,
Speaker 1: even people on Instagram or like you guys seem so happy,
Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, I thought so too. You know.
Speaker 1: It's where it's like yeah, um, But I just I
Speaker 1: do want to say thank you to everyone who's reached out,
Speaker 1: and i'd say of so many d m s and messages,
Speaker 1: and I appreciate just hearing how you guys have walked
Speaker 1: through the same path and gotten to the other side,
Speaker 1: because right now I don't see the other side. Right now,
Speaker 1: I'm just like I'm gonna be alone forever, and like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm kind of playing the you know, the
Speaker 1: SOB story um and but you know, just hearing your
Speaker 1: guys of stories. But also like what kind of breaks
Speaker 1: my heart too, is there's been so many messages of
Speaker 1: people being like how did you get the courage to leave?
Speaker 1: I want to leave. I don't know how, you know,
Speaker 1: like I'm scared, and I'm like, there's there was actually
Speaker 1: more messages of that, and I was shocked by it.
Speaker 1: But I'm the same time, I'm like I didn't. I
Speaker 1: still don't have the strength. Like it's just something where
Speaker 1: it's like I have no choice. That's a good point. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I think I think so many people are
Speaker 1: in your situation and it's either they whether they turn
Speaker 1: a blind eye or they are in it for the
Speaker 1: kids or whatever reason. But it's it's sad to think
Speaker 1: that there are people who are struggling out there and
Speaker 1: look at you as like, you know, how did you
Speaker 1: do it? Like you're so strong. I'm like I am
Speaker 1: the weakest I've ever been. Like it maybe hopefully in
Speaker 1: the future, like I'll feel that strength, but I'm like
Speaker 1: I went to my therapist a few weeks ago and
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, fine, I'll you know, I'll
Speaker 1: just I'll live this life. It's okay, Like I don't
Speaker 1: want to break up my family because my whole thing
Speaker 1: is like I didn't want this for the kids, like
Speaker 1: I've stayed for my kids, you know, even when other
Speaker 1: things happen. And but you know, my therapist was like,
Speaker 1: you don't want to live that life where you're just
Speaker 1: constantly like it's taking your light away, it's taking your everything.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, yeah, but my kids and like
Speaker 1: we'll be together, and like I don't want like the
Speaker 1: first time that they like me for overnight, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be destroyed. It's not what I wanted. It's not what
Speaker 1: I worked for, it's not what I fought for. It
Speaker 1: is not king fair, and that makes me so angry.
Speaker 1: It's like that I've I worked too damn hard for
Speaker 1: it to end this way you did. And but I
Speaker 1: just feel like now I'm like I don't like how
Speaker 1: like there'd be no way like we I just like
Speaker 1: and in my mind, I'm like I even asked, I
Speaker 1: asked some people like how like okay, how could I
Speaker 1: how could I try again? Like give me? But then
Speaker 1: I realized I was like, I'm now not I'm now weak.
Speaker 1: I always thought I was strong by staying. I'm now
Speaker 1: weak for staying because I'm staying because I don't want
Speaker 1: to be alone. I'm staying because I want to keep
Speaker 1: my family together. And I don't know if I believe
Speaker 1: if I don't, I don't know if I believe a
Speaker 1: change anymore. Yeah, And I think sometimes, I mean, it's
Speaker 1: so hard, the scenarios back and forth. But I think
Speaker 1: in sir, scenarios, you know it is strong to stay.
Speaker 1: But I think in this scenario, you are so strong
Speaker 1: for walking away, Like I know you don't feel it,
Speaker 1: but like you're sitting here crying for your family, like
Speaker 1: you will look back like the strength I mean, I
Speaker 1: know I keep bringing up today or last, but like
Speaker 1: the last twenty four hours, like the strength that I
Speaker 1: see is like I can't I can't even imagine. So
Speaker 1: you are so strong even though it doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: it right now. But I think you're right. You really
Speaker 1: just had no choice. I mean I had friends that
Speaker 1: were like basically tell me they would lose respect for me.
Speaker 1: And those were the friends that were always like, we
Speaker 1: love you and support you no matter what you know,
Speaker 1: and that's tough, because that's tough. But as a friend,
Speaker 1: I yeah, like you can only watch someone go through
Speaker 1: so much before it actually starts to kill you. As
Speaker 1: the front. When I realized I'm like I've told my
Speaker 1: therapist is I was like, I feel like now I'm
Speaker 1: the addict where I'm addicted, and I've I've been doing
Speaker 1: meetings and stuff and I um someone who she's a
Speaker 1: friend of mine. She's a sex and love addict and
Speaker 1: she's kind of like my sponsor. I've never really asked her,
Speaker 1: but I've been calling her so much. Her name's Brian
Speaker 1: and um and she I was like, Brian, I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm coming off of heroin. Like I'm
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've never touched a drug before, but that's
Speaker 1: what it feels like where I'm just like I need it,
Speaker 1: like but it's like, what what do I need? Like
Speaker 1: is that's not healthy? Like that's not I don't even
Speaker 1: know what that healthy version looks like anymore. So it's like, ah,
Speaker 1: but it's just I've never felt that coming off of
Speaker 1: something like that, and I just but you know I had.
Speaker 1: It's just sucks, I know, and I hate seeing you
Speaker 1: like this. I hate that you feel this way, but
Speaker 1: I genuinely believe, and I've told you this a thousand times.
Speaker 1: You're getting probably sick of it, but I genuinely genuinely
Speaker 1: believe that when you come out of all of this,
Speaker 1: whether it's a month, six months, a year, five years,
Speaker 1: you're light. You are going to shine so bright you
Speaker 1: thought you were happy to three years ago, like you
Speaker 1: don't even know happy. And I genuinely believe that, like
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, oh my god, I'm just so
Speaker 1: You're going to radiate happiness and sunshine to the people.
Speaker 1: Your friends are gonna look at you and be like,
Speaker 1: you know you you did it. You're so strong. You
Speaker 1: didn't think you were strong. And I know I keep
Speaker 1: saying that, but like I really I think the last
Speaker 1: I think it's been hard for you. I think I
Speaker 1: think this has been really hard for you because like
Speaker 1: any relationship, ups and downs, everything, But you know, I
Speaker 1: can't wait for you to just be a ray of
Speaker 1: sunshine that you are but like times ten, because you
Speaker 1: really are going to. I mean, people keep saying that,
Speaker 1: but I'm just like I don't feel that, like, and
Speaker 1: that's where I'm just like I lay in bed and
Speaker 1: I'm just like where I go through my like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be alone and like I'm not gonna be the
Speaker 1: kids and this that another, and it's like I just
Speaker 1: I want to believe that, but I don't feel that now.
Speaker 1: That's kind of where I'm at and that's okay to
Speaker 1: not feel it now, Hi, Mark him. I had a
Speaker 1: question kind of based on what Sarah was just saying
Speaker 1: about how hard it's been for you. Is there any
Speaker 1: part of you that feels relief that you no longer
Speaker 1: have to be wondering, no longer waiting for the other
Speaker 1: shoe to drop? Um? There is there. Yeah, there's a
Speaker 1: There's definitely moments where it's like it's nice to not
Speaker 1: have to wonder, worry, look um, because I was always
Speaker 1: so afraid of that moment um And you know, I
Speaker 1: even we had a conversation a few weeks before everything
Speaker 1: kind of came to light, and I was just like,
Speaker 1: if there's anything, like, just tell me. I don't want
Speaker 1: to find it, like whatever it is, like we can
Speaker 1: work through it, because I just don't want to and
Speaker 1: like it was such a connected moment, and you know,
Speaker 1: he swore on his sobriety there was nothing and um,
Speaker 1: so yeah, but knowing now that like what I know,
Speaker 1: and not having to yeah, not having to look at
Speaker 1: things and question and wonder and worry, there is some
Speaker 1: relief and that, Um, but I'm not fully there yet.
Speaker 1: I think I'll get there once I get past all
Speaker 1: the other I'm as because everything else is kind of
Speaker 1: like my friends are reminding me of that and I'm like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right, But there's still so much sadness. And most
Speaker 1: of the sadness just comes from my kids, um, because
Speaker 1: they didn't deserve this. They didn't they didn't ask for this, um.
Speaker 1: And then also the dream of what I thought it
Speaker 1: was going to be, and the um who I thought
Speaker 1: I was working with, and the who you know he
Speaker 1: said to all of us who he was, you know,
Speaker 1: so it's a not having that really be a reality
Speaker 1: is kind of a slap in the face. Well, I
Speaker 1: thought I saw a quote today that I thought of you.
Speaker 1: I said, I thought, Um, the quote is the moment
Speaker 1: you start to believe you deserve better, you do, So
Speaker 1: I am happy for you, and I do think that
Speaker 1: like Sarah was saying, you will look back on this
Speaker 1: as um a turning point one day and a year
Speaker 1: from now, two years from now, you'll be very happy
Speaker 1: that you made the decision you did. I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: alone Mark forever. You're not, because you're gonna be so happy.
Speaker 1: You're going to attract people to you that you didn't eat. Like.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, though, And I have so much work
Speaker 1: to do on myself because I've just picked the worst,
Speaker 1: Like my first guy, which I hate, you know saying this,
Speaker 1: but like you know, I hate I hate when they're
Speaker 1: like even married, you know three. It's like my first
Speaker 1: guy I met in two weeks, we went to you know,
Speaker 1: Vegas and got married. I was nineteen, Like I was
Speaker 1: an idiot. I don't consider that a marriage, and he
Speaker 1: ended up trying to kill me. The second guy, we
Speaker 1: were married for a week, Like no, those two were
Speaker 1: not marriage and I wish I could just wipe those
Speaker 1: and like, this is my first marriage, this is what
Speaker 1: I've fought for, and like, but I just I was
Speaker 1: reading in my diary just like because I was like,
Speaker 1: I gotta figure this out, Like and why am I
Speaker 1: still wanting something that doesn't want to you know, change
Speaker 1: and grow and and and fight and um, I mean,
Speaker 1: I know it has nothing to do with me, but
Speaker 1: I'm like, why do I still like I have this
Speaker 1: thing in me where I'm just like, I've never felt
Speaker 1: like I was good enohing. I don't know if that
Speaker 1: came from, you know, my parents divorced. I don't know.
Speaker 1: And I I mean, I know some of it, like
Speaker 1: why but I look back on my journal entries and
Speaker 1: it's like, I know I need to leave, but why
Speaker 1: can't I? And I'm like, why was I so weak?
Speaker 1: It's like why do I Why am I pining for
Speaker 1: like these men to like love me? You know, I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's weak or if you just didn't know,
Speaker 1: you didn't have the tools, or you didn't understand. And
Speaker 1: now I think you do. Like you said, I mean,
Speaker 1: I think it's really big of you to admit that
Speaker 1: you have work to do on yourself. I think that's huge,
Speaker 1: like that you are owning this and saying I gotta
Speaker 1: work on myself too. And that's why, you know, don't
Speaker 1: blame me. I don't want you to lame yourself, because
Speaker 1: I think all of us in this little circle right
Speaker 1: here can literally I mean we all worked very closely together,
Speaker 1: Like I think, it's not like you were you know, mh,
Speaker 1: this came out of left field. I'm gonna do the work, though,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna attract one day, not now, one day
Speaker 1: hopefully I'll I'll be healthy to attract healthy, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna have like a ton of us behind you, having
Speaker 1: our checklist making sure. I can't even think about that
Speaker 1: right now, exactly. Please don't focus on you know that
Speaker 1: is like the first it is. I know it is
Speaker 1: you and those kids are are which is a perfect
Speaker 1: thing to focus on. Yeah, um, anything, Mark, I have
Speaker 1: a question for you, yes, um, what like how we
Speaker 1: go forward? Because I don't know. I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: want this to be now like the divorce guide you
Speaker 1: know of single mamas. I don't want you know, It's
Speaker 1: like I don't you want like a re like what
Speaker 1: like how do we rebrand this? How do we? How
Speaker 1: do we what do we? What do we do? I
Speaker 1: don't even know, Like I don't know that we need
Speaker 1: to as a rebrand necessarily. That's such a cold way
Speaker 1: of looking at it. Um. I think this has always
Speaker 1: been about your journey, you know, because this show started
Speaker 1: as just you. Now it's you again in the future.
Speaker 1: Who knows what it will be. It's going to evolve,
Speaker 1: it's going to continue. People listen for you, they love you,
Speaker 1: and they want to know about you. And now it's
Speaker 1: going to be about you pulling it all back together again,
Speaker 1: rebuilding somewhat. But it's also going to be the people
Speaker 1: you talk to and what's going on in your life.
Speaker 1: And the kids did this, and I think there's plenty
Speaker 1: of there's so much positive in your life that we'll
Speaker 1: be able to focus on. I don't think it's going
Speaker 1: to be a sad divorce divorce a podcast. And you
Speaker 1: have so many fans. You're like, you brought people here,
Speaker 1: you know, the two of you didn't. Maybe you brought some,
Speaker 1: but you, like we've all said, you started this, this
Speaker 1: was a dream of yours. And I think you have
Speaker 1: so many people who are like, you know, listening right now,
Speaker 1: yelling at their phone like no, please keep doing this,
Speaker 1: like we love you, we we're here for you, we
Speaker 1: want to hear you. And so I agree with Mark, well,
Speaker 1: I'll keep going. I mean at your you know, let's
Speaker 1: keep you healthy. Yeah, Um, we have Gabby Bernstein coming
Speaker 1: on the show. She's a number one New York Times
Speaker 1: best selling author. We've had her on the show before. Um,
Speaker 1: but she's basically an awesome life coach and writer and
Speaker 1: just I mean she's she's she needs to inspire us,
Speaker 1: so can't I Let's stake a break and then get
Speaker 1: her one. Okay. So really happy to have Gabby on
Speaker 1: because hopefully she'll give us some insights because I gotta
Speaker 1: believe that I'm not the only person going through grief
Speaker 1: and trauma. You're not, yes, And I know that. UM.
Speaker 1: So that's why, you know, like I said, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to have each episode be this heavy thing. But
Speaker 1: I also I'm at the point of where of my
Speaker 1: kind of grieving and of losses now I need something
Speaker 1: to that I can like hold onto. So I guess Gabby,
Speaker 1: my first question is, you know, well, I'll ask this
Speaker 1: to um, because I've been told that it's not good
Speaker 1: to just mask grieving and not grieve like you have
Speaker 1: to you have to sit in it, right. I think
Speaker 1: that you have to fully feel something all the way
Speaker 1: through to completion mhm, until you know that you have
Speaker 1: given yourself the full bodied expression of the emotional experience
Speaker 1: to allow it to actually move through you ultimately, and
Speaker 1: it may be a daily practice. It might be a
Speaker 1: daily practice of living in that full expression of feeling
Speaker 1: the grief. And what happens for most people is when
Speaker 1: they push past that grief and that suffering, they may
Speaker 1: move beyond it through anesthetizing it with you know, the
Speaker 1: next relationship, or the drugs and the alcohol or the
Speaker 1: work addiction or whatever it is that they can numb
Speaker 1: it out with, but it's still there. It doesn't actually
Speaker 1: go away. The energetic disturbance is still dwelling. So the
Speaker 1: more you give yourself permission to go there now, to
Speaker 1: feel the experience all the way through, to give yourself
Speaker 1: permission to grieve, the better you will be faster, the
Speaker 1: healthier you will be faster. And actually want to take
Speaker 1: back the word better because what's better, right, Better today
Speaker 1: is just that you're feeling more. Better today is that
Speaker 1: you're giving yourself more permission to feel. So it's not
Speaker 1: that you're getting better, but you'll be freer from the
Speaker 1: experience the more you allow yourself to experience it. How
Speaker 1: do you I think I'm stuck in the I'm stuck
Speaker 1: in there, Like what if it's like what if he
Speaker 1: does change this time, or what if like you know, um,
Speaker 1: you know this person would change, And it's like, how
Speaker 1: do you how do you kind of not focus on
Speaker 1: the what ifs and just start living your life? If
Speaker 1: thet's talk back to the what if because they don't.
Speaker 1: They're not real. The what ifs are a projection from
Speaker 1: the past onto the present or a projection of the
Speaker 1: of the future that doesn't exist. So what if something
Speaker 1: could have been differently or what if it could be
Speaker 1: different in the future is not real. It doesn't exist.
Speaker 1: All that's real is what's happening right here in this moment.
Speaker 1: So this sounds really esoteric and pretty like self help
Speaker 1: new ag, but it's the most valuable thing you could
Speaker 1: do is to be fully present in the moment with
Speaker 1: whatever is up today and show up for today without
Speaker 1: the digging up the past and the future tripping of
Speaker 1: the future. Because all there is is right here right now.
Speaker 1: That's it. That's all there is. There's nothing else. There
Speaker 1: is no what if yesterday was different or what if
Speaker 1: tomorrow could be a different way I wanted to be
Speaker 1: doesn't exist. I mean, what when you went through your miscarriage, Sarah,
Speaker 1: what was how did you get out of your grief? Um,
Speaker 1: I really allowed myself to feel it. Like I'm like you,
Speaker 1: I go into hiding, I go underground. Um it's probably
Speaker 1: not the healthiest, but for me, that's what is best.
Speaker 1: Like I just need to step back, cry it out,
Speaker 1: and then I'm someone who it's almost like I shed that,
Speaker 1: like I felt it. I allowed myself to feel it,
Speaker 1: and then I can kind of grow from it. And
Speaker 1: and that's why, you know, I think, like what you
Speaker 1: guys are saying, like whatever you're grieving process is allow
Speaker 1: it because you know you're either going to be someone
Speaker 1: who goes and drinks every single night or copes with
Speaker 1: it in whatever way that you feel, or or you're
Speaker 1: gonna face it. And I think facing it, as hard
Speaker 1: as it is is you know. So when someone says
Speaker 1: that they don't want to sit in it and that
Speaker 1: we all grieve differently and they go off and do
Speaker 1: fun things, that's really not the healthiest version. Well. I
Speaker 1: always say that you have to show up for WhatsApp
Speaker 1: or it will keep showing up. So, Okay, you want
Speaker 1: to go party for a week because you just need
Speaker 1: to let it out or you just need to numb out. Okay.
Speaker 1: We all have coping mechanisms that we may rely on
Speaker 1: from time to time, and as long as they're not
Speaker 1: life threatening or harming others, okay, maybe we need them
Speaker 1: for a moment, that's okay, that's okay. But you don't
Speaker 1: want to stay there. You don't want to stay stuck
Speaker 1: there because you don't want to avoid what's up. You
Speaker 1: need to show up for it. If you don't show
Speaker 1: up for it, it'll keep coming up. It'll come up
Speaker 1: in the next relationship, It'll come up in the next
Speaker 1: job experience, or whatever. The issue. Maybe if it's not
Speaker 1: resolved in the president's going to continue to manifest in
Speaker 1: the future. So if I go to Miami for what
Speaker 1: would have been my sixer wedding anniversary, that's okay for
Speaker 1: me to like not keep continue to sulk. A month
Speaker 1: later and it's like, it's okay for me to like
Speaker 1: go out, but I need to come back slute, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I I think that grieving isn't about always being upset.
Speaker 1: I think that there's allowing yourself, as we've already said,
Speaker 1: to be fully present, to feel it all the way through,
Speaker 1: to truly allow yourself the permission to go there, and
Speaker 1: then to also give yourself permission to good days, give
Speaker 1: yourself permission to have fun, go to Miami, dance on
Speaker 1: the table, whatever, do your thing, because you need to
Speaker 1: live it minute by minute. When you're in traumatic grief,
Speaker 1: it is a minute by minute thing. It's not Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be good in a month or two months.
Speaker 1: It's like what am I doing right in this moment?
Speaker 1: Did I shower today? How do you? Yeah? Because that's
Speaker 1: that's where I'm like, it's is it depression because it's
Speaker 1: like it's like it's it takes so much energy for
Speaker 1: me to even put like my my bowl in the
Speaker 1: sink now, Like it's like it takes like every part
Speaker 1: of and it's I'm like, God, I'm like I feel weak,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like I'm like this weak person that
Speaker 1: I'm like I can't even like like it's almost like
Speaker 1: I just want to snap out of it. But it's
Speaker 1: like that's I just feel like my body is just
Speaker 1: kind of like I'm just feeling Is a depression or
Speaker 1: is that just a part of grief? Depression is a
Speaker 1: part of grief. But I actually have a hit that
Speaker 1: I want to do something with. You would you be
Speaker 1: open to doing something that I think could give you
Speaker 1: a lot of relief right now. Okay, let's do it.
Speaker 1: So this is called emotional freedom technique. It's otherwise known
Speaker 1: as tapping. Have you guys heard of this? You know
Speaker 1: what this is? I've done? Like? Is it similar to
Speaker 1: like m d R. It's quite similar to m d R.
Speaker 1: So E. M d R otherwise is known as eye
Speaker 1: movement to sensitization and reprocessing. And I think absolutely epic
Speaker 1: for you right now would be to get into some
Speaker 1: regular evening twice twice a week. Well, there you go.
Speaker 1: You are hooked up. You are on the fast tract
Speaker 1: of freedom. I'm proud of you. That's amazing. So E
Speaker 1: m d R was extraordinarily beneficial for me when I
Speaker 1: was going through deep trauma recovery of my own in
Speaker 1: my own way, and I can say, you're all hooked
Speaker 1: up now. Similar to m d R, E f T
Speaker 1: addresses the emotional disturbance, and it expands that window of
Speaker 1: tolerance to feel into things that we otherwise might be
Speaker 1: to protect of. And it also allows us to regulate
Speaker 1: our nervous systems so that we can actually process things
Speaker 1: with a greater sense of safety rather than being in
Speaker 1: that fight flight response. Okay, what you do is you
Speaker 1: tap on different energy meridians and you're gonna follow me.
Speaker 1: Tap on the side of your hand, eyebrow, side of
Speaker 1: the eye, under the eye, under the nose, the chin,
Speaker 1: the collar bone, under the arm, on the top of
Speaker 1: the head. You're gonna follow me. So you don't have
Speaker 1: to remember that. And I'll say it also so someone's listening,
Speaker 1: they can tap along with us. Yes, tap with us,
Speaker 1: because you whoever is tapping along will borrow the benefits
Speaker 1: of the tapping as well. So this is where we begin.
Speaker 1: We well, you're gonna follow me, but the main process
Speaker 1: is we tap on the most pressing issue, the real disturbance,
Speaker 1: the grief, the trauma. We're gonna let you name it.
Speaker 1: And then when I recognize as I see a change,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start to guide you into the positive. But
Speaker 1: only when I noticed that it's safe enough to go there,
Speaker 1: and we may go. If you hear me talking about
Speaker 1: things that are like, oh, that sucks, I really I
Speaker 1: really hate that she's saying that that's good. Like just
Speaker 1: let's just let's be real. This isn't about this is
Speaker 1: no small talk. Which is going right into big talk.
Speaker 1: I don't even need to describe it too much. I
Speaker 1: want you to experience it. So tap with me while
Speaker 1: we talk for a second. Just tap on the side
Speaker 1: of that karate chop point right here, and just talk
Speaker 1: to me for a second about the most pressing issue
Speaker 1: right now is just in your own words, what is
Speaker 1: the most pressing issue? That my family isn't together anymore?
Speaker 1: Family isn't together anymore? And like you know, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I lost my family. I lost I lost the um
Speaker 1: what I the dreams of our family being together as
Speaker 1: a unit. I lost my dream of my family to be.
Speaker 1: I lost my dream of my family. Okay, and anyone
Speaker 1: else that's tapping along with us, they can apply this
Speaker 1: to any form of loss that they may having, maybe
Speaker 1: having may not be specific to you, but it's their
Speaker 1: own loss. Okay. Now, from a scale of zero to ten,
Speaker 1: where is that grief? Where is that that with that pain?
Speaker 1: Totally okay, So just repeat after me, and just so
Speaker 1: I'm super clear, the most pressing issue is I'm I
Speaker 1: say it again in your own words. I want to
Speaker 1: hear it exactly. Oh god, there's like a million but yeah,
Speaker 1: the most pressing I would say, is that, Um, I
Speaker 1: didn't want this. I didn't want my family to not
Speaker 1: be together. Okay, my family's I didn't want my family
Speaker 1: not to be together. Okay to repeat after me. Even
Speaker 1: though I didn't want my family not to be together.
Speaker 1: Even though I didn't want my family not to be together,
Speaker 1: I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Take good time,
Speaker 1: keep tapping and breathing. I just don't believe that yet. Yeah,
Speaker 1: even if you don't believe it, just say the words.
Speaker 1: Repeat after me. I deeply and completely I do believed,
Speaker 1: completely love and accept myself, love and accept myself. Even
Speaker 1: though I never wanted my family not to be together.
Speaker 1: Even though I never wanted my family to be together,
Speaker 1: okay not to be together. Well, I'll change it up
Speaker 1: a little. I deeply and completely, deeply and completely love
Speaker 1: and accept myself, love and accept myself. And even though
Speaker 1: I'm devastated that my family is not together, and even
Speaker 1: though I'm devastated that my face only it's not together,
Speaker 1: I deeply and completely, deeply and completely love and accept myself,
Speaker 1: love and accept myself. Let's go to the eyebrow point.
Speaker 1: And the eyebrow point is right there where the hair
Speaker 1: of your eyebrow meets the bone, and I'm ana ten.
Speaker 1: Just repeat after me. I'm at a ten, I'm out
Speaker 1: of ten. Side of the eye. I never wanted my
Speaker 1: family not to be together. I never wanted my family
Speaker 1: not to be together. Under the eye, I couldn't have
Speaker 1: imagined this. I could not have imagined this. Under the nose,
Speaker 1: I can't even get the ball in the sink. I
Speaker 1: can't even get the ball in the sink. Chin, I
Speaker 1: can't get the ball in the sink. I can't get
Speaker 1: the bull in the sink. Collar bone. All this pain,
Speaker 1: all this pain under the arm, all this what ifs,
Speaker 1: all the what ifs. Top of the head. I never
Speaker 1: didn't want my family not to be together. I never
Speaker 1: didn't want my family not to be together. Hiro a point,
Speaker 1: I never wanted my family to split up. I never
Speaker 1: wanted my family to split up. Side of the eye,
Speaker 1: having it's hard time for giving myself. I'm having a
Speaker 1: hard time for giving myself under the eye, am having
Speaker 1: a hard time accepting myself and having a hard time
Speaker 1: accepting myself. Under the nose, I'm having trouble accepting myself.
Speaker 1: I'm having trouble accepting myself. Chen having some trouble accepting myself.
Speaker 1: I'm having some trouble accepting myself. Collar bone and all
Speaker 1: that means to me, and all that means to me
Speaker 1: under the arm. Kind sucks, skin sucks over the head,
Speaker 1: This really sucks, is really good zucks. I wrote, why me?
Speaker 1: Side of the Eye. I never saw this coming. I
Speaker 1: never saw this coming under the eye. I never thought
Speaker 1: this would be me. I never thought this would be
Speaker 1: me under the nose. Kind sucks sucks under the chin.
Speaker 1: It really really sucks. It really really sick sucks collar bone,
Speaker 1: it really really really really sicking sucks. Yes, really sucks
Speaker 1: over the head, and I just I just want relief,
Speaker 1: and i just want really eyebrow, and I'm working for it,
Speaker 1: and I'm working for it. Side of the eye. I'm
Speaker 1: doing my two E M. D R sessions a week
Speaker 1: sessions to MR sessions a week under the eye, and
Speaker 1: I'm doing my work, and I'm doing my work and
Speaker 1: reading a ton of self help books. Under the nose.
Speaker 1: I'm reading a ton of self help books. I'm reading
Speaker 1: a ton of self help books and the chin and
Speaker 1: that is something I'm proud of, and that is something
Speaker 1: I am proud of collarbone. I'm really actually quite proud
Speaker 1: of myself. I am proud of myself. Under the arm,
Speaker 1: I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. Out of ahead,
Speaker 1: I'm showing up for myself. I'm showing up for myself.
Speaker 1: I'm showing up for myself in the present moment. I'm
Speaker 1: showing up for myself in the present moment. Out of
Speaker 1: the eye, I'm showing up for myself in the present moment.
Speaker 1: I'm showing up for myself in the present moment. Under
Speaker 1: the eye, I'm showing up for myself. For the future,
Speaker 1: I'm showing up for myself for the future. And under
Speaker 1: the nose, everything I'm doing now is hooking me up
Speaker 1: for my future. Everything I'm doing now is hooking me
Speaker 1: up for my future. Under the chin, I'm proud of myself.
Speaker 1: I'm proud of myself. All are wrong. I accept myself.
Speaker 1: I accept myself. I really can accept myself right now.
Speaker 1: I really can accept myself right now. And this is
Speaker 1: the only moment that matters right now. And this is
Speaker 1: the only moment that matters right now. One more round.
Speaker 1: I accept myself right now. I accept myself right now.
Speaker 1: Side of the eye, I accept myself right now. I
Speaker 1: accept myself right now. Under the eye, I accept and
Speaker 1: forgive myself. Right now, I accepted and forgive myself. Right now.
Speaker 1: Under the nose, I accept and forgive myself. Right now,
Speaker 1: I accept and forgive myself right now. Shin, I'm doing great.
Speaker 1: I'm doing good. Color. I'm doing as good as I
Speaker 1: can do today hand and as good as I can
Speaker 1: Under the arm, I'm doing as good as I can
Speaker 1: do today. I'm doing as good as I can do today.
Speaker 1: On top of the head, I'm doing as good as
Speaker 1: I can do today. I'm doing as good as I
Speaker 1: and do today. I'll take a deep breath in and
Speaker 1: just place your right hand on your heart and your
Speaker 1: left hand and your belly and breathe and on the excel,
Speaker 1: let it go. You can cannonball breath like breathe deep
Speaker 1: in and on the excel, cannonball breath, let it go.
Speaker 1: M just when you're ready, just open your eyes and
Speaker 1: just notice what you notice about your body. And from
Speaker 1: the scale of zero to ten, now with the same
Speaker 1: most pressing issue, I never wanted my family to split up.
Speaker 1: Where are you now? I'm about five girl? Ye, thank
Speaker 1: you You're welcome. Thank you for your bravery. That was
Speaker 1: a little bit long tapping, but I hope people borrowed it,
Speaker 1: because when you tap along, the listener or the viewer
Speaker 1: can borrow the benefits even if it's not exactly related
Speaker 1: to them. You cut it in half and seven minutes,
Speaker 1: maybe six minutes, I don't know how long that was.
Speaker 1: So I think that the point I want to give
Speaker 1: you is that these practices E M, D R, E F. T.
Speaker 1: Reading the self help books, talking about it, moving physically,
Speaker 1: whatever it is that's working for you, you add it up,
Speaker 1: and you add it up, and you added up and
Speaker 1: you add it up, and each day that goes by,
Speaker 1: it gets easier and easier. These are showing up for it, right, Gabby? Um?
Speaker 1: Where can I mean? I know you have, I mean
Speaker 1: you're just you're everywhere. You're incredible of people that haven't
Speaker 1: heard of you before. Where what books can they get?
Speaker 1: Where can they find you? Um? So that they can
Speaker 1: reap the benefits that we just got today. And I
Speaker 1: think the best place that people could find me I've
Speaker 1: written a lot of books, but the best places I
Speaker 1: just started a podcast called Deer Gabby, where I workshop
Speaker 1: people just like we did here. This wasn't my intention today.
Speaker 1: I was coming just a riff with you. But I
Speaker 1: want when I see suffering, it's it's like I'm a fixer.
Speaker 1: I got to just go in and just fix and
Speaker 1: especially when I see that there's a desire, when there's
Speaker 1: a willingness which you've offered up beautifully. So I started
Speaker 1: my own podcast this week called Dear Gabby, and it's
Speaker 1: me workshopping coaching people in this way very extemporaneously with
Speaker 1: all kinds of trauma and suffering. And my primary intention
Speaker 1: for that podcast is too shift the shame and stigmas
Speaker 1: and speak about the unspeakable, to give voice to the
Speaker 1: unspoken shame, the things that people don't talk about, and
Speaker 1: to normalize it. We're all suffering. One of the fastest
Speaker 1: ways to acceptance that we're all that of our own
Speaker 1: suffering is to recognize that we're not alone in it.
Speaker 1: It's called Dear Gabby on all your Apple and podcast players.
Speaker 1: That's where I would send people these days. Well, I
Speaker 1: know what I'm listening to now, Um Gabby, thank you
Speaker 1: so much, and I'm gonna be sliding into your d
Speaker 1: m s because I'm gonna just need you every day,
Speaker 1: so listen. I'm I'm proud of you. I think that
Speaker 1: it's extremely brave to be vulnerable, and the greatest gift
Speaker 1: you can give yourself in the world is your authentic
Speaker 1: truth and your vulnerability. So just applaud yourself. And I
Speaker 1: also think that you're going to go through this experience
Speaker 1: looking back. So proud of your bravery and your vulnerability.
Speaker 1: Thanks Gabby, Thank you, Gabby. I appreciate it. Everyone listened
Speaker 1: to Dear Gabby um wherever you listen to your podcast
Speaker 1: and then get her books because they're incredible. Thanks Gabby,
Speaker 1: Thanks guys, thank you so much. Seriously, really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: I gotta say I've slid into a few other like
Speaker 1: self help d m s and like help me. I
Speaker 1: mean why not like like give me like because it's
Speaker 1: like I don't know if you went through this when
Speaker 1: you with your miscarriage, but I mean it's grief is grief,
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't think you can measure people's pain,
Speaker 1: and you know, and that is I remember going through
Speaker 1: just being the worst pain ever, you know, going through
Speaker 1: miscarriage and you just want to find like hope, you
Speaker 1: want to find totally and I think, like what Gabby said,
Speaker 1: like you're you're ready, willing and able. You're not someone
Speaker 1: who thinks like I don't need the help. Like I
Speaker 1: think it says a lot that you're like, no, no,
Speaker 1: no help me. What can I do to get better?
Speaker 1: What can I do to be a better person? But
Speaker 1: our mom? You know? So yeah, I mean it keeps
Speaker 1: sliding because self help. It's just there's something there's nothing
Speaker 1: better than like getting Um, I just hope, even though
Speaker 1: you don't feel hope. It's just like I've been knee
Speaker 1: deep and like quotes, Listen, I'm all about the quotes
Speaker 1: and the words, like say it as many times as
Speaker 1: you need, read it as many times as you need.
Speaker 1: I really think that there's something words or something about words. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And it's also about connecting with people that have been
Speaker 1: there as well, so I have UM. I talked about
Speaker 1: her earlier in the show about how she's been a
Speaker 1: a light in the darkness for me, UM and someone
Speaker 1: who's really helping me kind of walk along my recovery
Speaker 1: journey as you know, as a love addict, you know,
Speaker 1: because it's like I just I want love and I
Speaker 1: don't want to be alone, and UM, so we have
Speaker 1: brian Davis, Um this show. Hi Brianne, Hi, Lovely Ladies. Um.
Speaker 1: Brianne is a sex and love addict, and she had
Speaker 1: has been walking Um you know you guys had her
Speaker 1: on the show, UM last year and UM just walking
Speaker 1: through this journey with me and UM, you know she's
Speaker 1: she'll always she'll text me be like hey, I'm about
Speaker 1: to happen a meeting and I've I've done some meetings
Speaker 1: and it's been really nice to just have a community. Um.
Speaker 1: Can you speak to on that community brand just of
Speaker 1: like how important it is to find something like that
Speaker 1: when you're in places of grief and needing connection. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean the first step is you're not alone. Other
Speaker 1: people are going through the same pain, the same feeling,
Speaker 1: the same loss, the powerlessness. You know, when we look
Speaker 1: outside of ourselves for someone to fix us or be
Speaker 1: the answer, or get an unavailable person to love us
Speaker 1: that's not capable of loving us. To find a community,
Speaker 1: to get on a meeting with thirty other people, a
Speaker 1: hundred other people, three hundred other people because the worldwide
Speaker 1: and say my god, I'm not alone. That person is
Speaker 1: feeling the same way. They went through the same thing.
Speaker 1: And it's just the best community in the world because
Speaker 1: there is recovery and sex and love addiction. You just
Speaker 1: have to commit to getting better. And if you're not committed,
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to look at your darkness, there's
Speaker 1: no way you're going to get better. And you have
Speaker 1: stepped into that, like, Okay, I have this thing I
Speaker 1: need to look at and there is possible for change
Speaker 1: and self love and all that goodness. Yeah, because I was,
Speaker 1: you know, confiding in Briton, I'm like, I will say
Speaker 1: I I was worried that I would get triggered on
Speaker 1: there because I I don't like my sex addict husband,
Speaker 1: you know, and it's I don't ever want to like.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I also know that like
Speaker 1: we all have our stuff, but we're the people that
Speaker 1: are in there are really wanting to change and grow,
Speaker 1: just says I am too, you know, I'm like I
Speaker 1: but it's it was it was interesting because I I
Speaker 1: found myself like appreciating and like loving the fact that
Speaker 1: there are people willing to do the work and with me.
Speaker 1: I'm like I felt like I was coming off of
Speaker 1: Heroin still. You know. It's just like my love addiction
Speaker 1: is like love me, love me, like you know, show
Speaker 1: me that I'm worth the fight. Well that I've told
Speaker 1: you that, And I explained when I was getting my
Speaker 1: six months chip, this man came in and he said,
Speaker 1: I can quit heroin, but I can't quit her. And
Speaker 1: he was addicted to this girlfriend that kept cheating on
Speaker 1: him and cheating on him. And this was a man.
Speaker 1: And I think we always think like the men is
Speaker 1: the cheaters and it goes both ways. But hey, there's empathy.
Speaker 1: If someone's willing to do the work and change, that's
Speaker 1: where you can like stand up and say people change.
Speaker 1: I know people say it once a cheater are always
Speaker 1: a cheater. But I'm proof. I told you I used
Speaker 1: to cheat. I we've had this discussion, and I used
Speaker 1: to go from relationship to relationship like you and I
Speaker 1: have talked about, and there is change is possible. But
Speaker 1: you have to be willing to do the work. And yes,
Speaker 1: you hate your cheater husband and he's not doing the work.
Speaker 1: It pisces me off, like I've told you how angry
Speaker 1: it makes me. Um, But you are willing to do
Speaker 1: the work. You're willing to walk through the fire and
Speaker 1: let it burn and come out on the other side,
Speaker 1: and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing that you can't
Speaker 1: feel yet, but as your friend, I can see you
Speaker 1: on the other side. Thanks. Um, Like it's hard taking
Speaker 1: like because I'm like, I don't feel it yet, but um,
Speaker 1: the I'm curious because so I've been doing a lot
Speaker 1: of sm on meetings and I've been sitting you know,
Speaker 1: and sharing my story, and I a lot of d
Speaker 1: MS that I've gotten in some of you know, just
Speaker 1: like being in those meetings is they don't know how
Speaker 1: to leave, and it's like that brokenness and they don't
Speaker 1: feel good enough, and it's like that part just makes
Speaker 1: me so sad for just the women out there that
Speaker 1: are in that situation and where I'm still like struggling
Speaker 1: of you know, not feeling good enough. It's like, how
Speaker 1: how do you kind of walk through that path of
Speaker 1: finding your strength? Well, I think the first thing is
Speaker 1: admitting that you have a problem, admitting that you can't
Speaker 1: walk away from this unavailable person. Just saying that and
Speaker 1: saying I'm struggling. I want to pick up the phone
Speaker 1: and call him. I want to try to make this work.
Speaker 1: But you have to remember you could be the most
Speaker 1: perfect person. You could have everything someone envisions as perfection,
Speaker 1: but if they are not available, if they have something
Speaker 1: that is shutting down there, you know, connection, there is
Speaker 1: nothing you can do. And I think the first the
Speaker 1: second thing is being like, there is nothing you can
Speaker 1: do to make an available, unavailable person be available. It's impossible.
Speaker 1: That's like the most impossible task ever. So I think
Speaker 1: just understanding that, like you could do everything perfect, Jannah,
Speaker 1: and it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter. But I look
Speaker 1: at you and we've had this thing and I said,
Speaker 1: but you've changed brand, You've changed, like I'm like, and
Speaker 1: even when we were on the meeting the other day,
Speaker 1: I was like, but do they do they get back together?
Speaker 1: Like there's this like because I long for the like
Speaker 1: you know, I long for this, you know, um the change,
Speaker 1: but at some point, like there just might not be changed,
Speaker 1: right right. I mean you and I've had this discussion
Speaker 1: for years and I told you, you know, like stick
Speaker 1: it out, maybe separate, maybe maybe you know, do that work.
Speaker 1: And this last time I just said, you gotta get out.
Speaker 1: It's not it's not happening. He's people, he's not taking
Speaker 1: it seriously. And the reason that I have changed because
Speaker 1: I was willing to look at all the things I
Speaker 1: have done to feel those feelings too, you know, walk
Speaker 1: through the process of getting healed from sex and love addiction.
Speaker 1: It is harder to get through sex and love addiction
Speaker 1: than a A and A Not that any any addiction
Speaker 1: is bad, but when you're addicted to people, when you're
Speaker 1: addicted to sexual acts, it is like the most difficult addiction.
Speaker 1: And like I said, you have to be willing to
Speaker 1: change for I change for me, not for my husband,
Speaker 1: not for anybody else. I had to change for me.
Speaker 1: And if you're not willing to change for if he
Speaker 1: wasn't willing to change for him, he's never going to change.
Speaker 1: He's never going to change. I feel like that's just
Speaker 1: like what we've all been saying over and over and
Speaker 1: like that's what Like how do you tell someone Janna
Speaker 1: or others listening like it wasn't you, it's not you.
Speaker 1: Because I even said, I'm like, you know, all the
Speaker 1: resources in the world, someone could have everything they ever needed,
Speaker 1: but like they have to do it ultimately end of
Speaker 1: the day. Yeah, I mean that's the problem. Janna has
Speaker 1: to get to it herself. You and I can say
Speaker 1: everything I can bring her in the program. I can
Speaker 1: give the tools she can. She has to be the
Speaker 1: one that her Psyche has to like let go of
Speaker 1: the fantasy of what was or what could have been
Speaker 1: and step into the reality of this is the situation.
Speaker 1: This is where I am. I have to love myself
Speaker 1: enough to walk away. And I'm saying this and this
Speaker 1: is so hard for me, you guys to say, because
Speaker 1: I'm an advocate for any sex attic, sex and love addict.
Speaker 1: As Janna knows, I've been an advocate for their relationship.
Speaker 1: But it's just like you have to let go when
Speaker 1: someone is not willing to do the work. It takes
Speaker 1: two people to do the work. And when that doesn't happen,
Speaker 1: you have to be able to walk away. But nobody
Speaker 1: can tell you. It's a process she has to go through,
Speaker 1: just like I had to go through, just like my sponsors,
Speaker 1: just like a million people I've worked with. Um, let's
Speaker 1: talk about your book because you have a book out
Speaker 1: and tell us all about it and yeah, well I
Speaker 1: read it, Yeah, so the book is. I really I'm
Speaker 1: really grateful that you brought me on because the reason
Speaker 1: that I wanted to talk about sex and love act
Speaker 1: I never wanted to break my anonymity, but nobody understands
Speaker 1: it and they think it's like a made up disease
Speaker 1: or it's a man's disease. I mean, Janna and I
Speaker 1: had that whole conversation. But I wanted to write a
Speaker 1: book that was fun. It's like a summer on the beach,
Speaker 1: really fun book, but it also educates. You know, it's
Speaker 1: a story of a girl in Hollywood going through her
Speaker 1: first year of recovery. It's based on my life, other
Speaker 1: people's experiences. There's other female characters in it, and you
Speaker 1: really follow this journey of the first year of recovery,
Speaker 1: what it looks like, how horrible it is. The subtext,
Speaker 1: it's just like it will take you through the nitty gritty,
Speaker 1: the dirty, the like embarrassing, all those things. And I
Speaker 1: just wanted to make it fun but also educational and
Speaker 1: people they can get it on Amazon um worldwide. We're
Speaker 1: worldwide now and yeah, and the audible just came out
Speaker 1: and it was torture recording. I almost called you and
Speaker 1: was like, can you just read the character because I
Speaker 1: don't want to relive all these horrible things that have happened. Well,
Speaker 1: it's called The Secret life of a sex and love addict.
Speaker 1: It's an awesome read. Um, it's fun. But yeah again
Speaker 1: it's it's it's you're also going to get an in
Speaker 1: in that in that world. Um yeah, this is what
Speaker 1: This has been a heavy show. Yeah, well I mean
Speaker 1: that's life. Yeah, like and it won't always be like this. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And feelings here's the thing that really helped me. Feelings
Speaker 1: are meant to be felt. We especially you know your tendency,
Speaker 1: my tendency, we don't want to feel feelings. We want
Speaker 1: to feel euphoria. Love addicts, exotics want to feel euphoria.
Speaker 1: But feelings are meant to be felt, and you have
Speaker 1: to feel them, and you're feeling them. And every time
Speaker 1: I would cry, my therapist would tell me, you're digging
Speaker 1: through this to get to your gold, Like Janna, you're
Speaker 1: digging through this to get to your gold. So every
Speaker 1: time you cry, just like pat yourself on the back
Speaker 1: that you're willing to walk through these uncomfortable sad you know,
Speaker 1: abandonment feelings and it will go away one day, I promise.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hold you do that, okay right now. Um,
Speaker 1: but Brianne, thank you so much for coming on the show,
Speaker 1: and guys, for everyone listening, I hope that I apologize
Speaker 1: that was a rough one to get through. Um, Sarah,
Speaker 1: thanks for flying in and doing this of course, UM,
Speaker 1: and everyone please listen to her podcast as well. Oh my,
Speaker 1: this is not the timing, this is not the chicks.
Speaker 1: It's amazing. They talk about you know, shows, movies, all
Speaker 1: of it. They're like, they're hilarious. It's a good one.
Speaker 1: You're welcome. UM. I always want to support my friend,
Speaker 1: but like, this is about you. This is like, no,
Speaker 1: we're supporting you today. And but what we can I
Speaker 1: promise you every week will not be a SOB show.
Speaker 1: We're going to figure this out and let us know,
Speaker 1: you know, some things that you guys want us to
Speaker 1: continue to talk about, and UM, yeah, we'll figure this
Speaker 1: out together. We're on this journey together. And I hope
Speaker 1: that we were able to help people today get through
Speaker 1: um whatever they're grieving or having pain or lost with
Speaker 1: so UM, I'll see you guys next week hopefully. Bye guys,