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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 1: If you were in that situation where people are taking

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Speaker 1: advantage of you, where you're not setting your boundaries and

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Speaker 1: it leads to you being resentful, you're lacking authenticity.

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Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 2: or appreciate shade anything from this episode, please leave us

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Speaker 2: a review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: women like you.

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Speaker 2: We're your hosts.

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Speaker 1: Doctor Dominique Brussard, a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 3: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where

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Speaker 3: black women can just.

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Speaker 1: Be Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating

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Speaker 1: her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

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Speaker 1: state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

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Speaker 1: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

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Speaker 1: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 1: N I q U E d R O U S

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Speaker 1: s r D dot com to schedule a free fifteen

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Speaker 1: minute consultation. I look forward to hearing from you, all right.

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Speaker 1: Our quote of the day, kindness is spreading sunshine into

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Speaker 1: other people's lives, regardless of the weather. The author of

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Speaker 1: that lovely quote is unknown to us, but I like

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Speaker 1: what the quote represents for us, and in terms of

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Speaker 1: this discussion that we're gonna have today about nice girls

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Speaker 1: finishing last. And really the title, I feel like our

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Speaker 1: title of our episode is a little misleading for how

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Speaker 1: we're going to dive into this. So lady, if you

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Speaker 1: looked at the title and you're listening based on the title,

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Speaker 1: buckle up, because we got something slightly different for you today.

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Speaker 1: So tee, going back to our quote of the day,

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Speaker 1: kindness is spreading sunshine into other people's lives, regardless of

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Speaker 1: the weather.

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Speaker 3: I'm just thinking, I'm like, hmm, I guess you know what.

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Speaker 3: I always saw kindness and being nice as one and

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Speaker 3: the same. But after we do a little research, a

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Speaker 3: little digging for our episode and just kind of having

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Speaker 3: personal experiences, I think that for me, this quote means

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Speaker 3: that when you're kind, it's irrespective of how are the

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Speaker 3: pep we're treating you. It's just your vibe, your energy,

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Speaker 3: the joy and the good vibes that you exude without

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Speaker 3: wanting anything in return. And so that's when I hear

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Speaker 3: this quote, that's what I think about now.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, me too. Yeah, Like it makes me really think

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Speaker 1: of like this the conversation that we're going to dive into,

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Speaker 1: and like makes me excited about being able to really

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Speaker 1: dive into this conversation, because I think that there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of us out there who have one perception of

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Speaker 1: what niceness is, and it might not be accurate. It

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Speaker 1: might not be a realistic reflection of who you are

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Speaker 1: or who you want to be.

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Speaker 2: There you go, I think you have to know that. Dom.

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Speaker 3: We found so many good articles that really dove into

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Speaker 3: this topic. And I don't know about you, don but

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Speaker 3: there was one ink article which we can add in

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Speaker 3: the show notes. Lady, and there's a philosophy PhD student

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Speaker 3: named Kelly she and she was trying to just untangle

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Speaker 3: the distinction between the two right kindness versus nice niceness,

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Speaker 3: and one thing that she shared here in the article,

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Speaker 3: I'm just going to read it off because it's I

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Speaker 3: think it's really powerful, says for example, it's holding the

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Speaker 3: door for someone nicer kind. Well, it depends on why

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Speaker 3: you do it. If the underlying motivation is to create

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Speaker 3: a favorable impression for the purpose of asking for a

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Speaker 3: favor later, then the action can be considered nice due

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Speaker 3: to its pleasing effect, but not kind without a sense

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Speaker 3: of benevolence. Conversely, if the motivation is to spare the

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Speaker 3: other person from extra effort or inconvenience, then the action

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Speaker 3: can be considered kind as well as nice if it

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Speaker 3: pleases the other person, she writes, And I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: that's really good because it sounds like this has a

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Speaker 3: lot to do with your internal motivator and not necessarily

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Speaker 3: in your integrity. Right, not necessarily what other people will know,

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Speaker 3: because I can be nice all day and.

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Speaker 2: People are like, oh, my gosh, she's so kind.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, well, I'm just doing this shit because I

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Speaker 3: want you to do something for me later, you know

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Speaker 3: what I mean. Right, So, I think this is all

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Speaker 3: about how we can also boost our personal integrity as

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Speaker 3: we move about in the world.

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Speaker 2: But I thought that was a really powerful distinction there.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I did too, because I think the thing that

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Speaker 1: also came up for me and thinking about what it

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Speaker 1: means to be nice is that it might not necessarily

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Speaker 1: be that I'm holding the door for you because I'm

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Speaker 1: expecting something in return. It might be that I'm holding

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Speaker 1: the door for you because I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: dislike me, right, Like, I don't want you to say

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Speaker 1: anything bad or negative about me because I didn't hold

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Speaker 1: the door for you, right. So, like, I think it

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Speaker 1: still goes back to that internal motivation. So that's the

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Speaker 1: underlying thing, is the internal motivation, but it can show

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Speaker 1: up in different ways, right, Like the motivator may be.

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Speaker 2: Different for sure.

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Speaker 3: And that makes me think about another example where sometimes

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Speaker 3: you might hold the door open because you just think

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Speaker 3: it's the right thing to do. You're like, I'm just

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Speaker 3: gonna hold the door open for this elderly person or

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Speaker 3: maybe it's you know, typically I hear men say, oh,

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Speaker 3: there's a woman coming, I'm going to open the door.

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Speaker 3: I open the door for whoever might be coming behind

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Speaker 3: me if I'm able to write, or or a lady.

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Speaker 3: Let's talk about holding that elevator door open. That's where

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Speaker 3: the petty's comes out.

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Speaker 2: That's where it starts.

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Speaker 3: Okay, yeah we want we have to go and do that.

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Speaker 3: But anyway, have you thought of a story? And I

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Speaker 3: was like, you know, let me stop. Have you seen

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Speaker 3: yourself kind of move into sort of like straddle the

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Speaker 3: I guess offense on being kind and nice in your life?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Like I you know, as we were preparing for

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Speaker 1: this episode, it made me really pause and reflect and

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Speaker 1: think about how I have generally been described as nice.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, right, And when I step back and think

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Speaker 1: about why people might describe me as nice versus kind.

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Speaker 1: H For me, it has a lot to do with,

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Speaker 1: you know, recovering people pleaser. And so I think about

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Speaker 1: in the past and in the height of my people pleasing, Yes,

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Speaker 1: it was really that niceness. People would describe me as

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Speaker 1: nice because I constantly gave them what they wanted. Right,

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Speaker 1: So I was the person that if it's a group

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Speaker 1: of us trying to decide on where we're gonna go,

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Speaker 1: it's my response is, well, I'll go wherever you want

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Speaker 1: to go, right, And then the perception is, oh, doctor

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Speaker 1: dom is nice because she allows us to make the

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Speaker 1: decision on where we go, when in reality, what that

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Speaker 1: means is that I'm not putting my opinion out there, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm not putting my wants and needs out there. And

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Speaker 1: so of course, if you're the other person and I'm

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Speaker 1: giving you everything that you want, yes, I'm gonna be nice.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna you're gonna consider me to be nice, right, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because I made it easy for you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And so now you know, as a recovering people pleaser,

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Speaker 1: I think my intention now is to be kind m hm.

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Speaker 3: Question, do you think you can still be kind and

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Speaker 3: have that same answer or response, like if you're like,

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Speaker 3: I really, I'm such a flexible person. I really don't

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Speaker 3: care what we vote for dinner. But maybe there's another

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Speaker 3: case or another opportunity in your life where you're advocating

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Speaker 3: and setting boundaries, Like is there a world where you

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Speaker 3: say that you have the exact same response and you're

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Speaker 3: being kind any thing? Hmm, Yes, I think so too.

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Speaker 1: I think so. I think that the key is that, Okay,

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Speaker 1: so generally, maybe I am a flexible person and I

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Speaker 1: want to go I don't really have a preference on

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Speaker 1: where we're going for dinner, right, h But really, am

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Speaker 1: I that flexible that I never have a preference on

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Speaker 1: where we go? Like never, never ever? I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think that every now and then I would, right,

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Speaker 1: And so I think like when we try to parse

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Speaker 1: out those differences, like that kind person is the person

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Speaker 1: who's going to say, Okay, tee, we're going out to dinner.

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Speaker 1: You were just as we're planning dinner, you were just

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Speaker 1: telling me how you had a really rough day, And

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Speaker 1: so me being kind is going to say where do

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Speaker 1: you want to go for dinner? M because I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: about how you had a rough day, and maybe you

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Speaker 1: have a place in mind, like something that's going to

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Speaker 1: feel a restaurant that's gonna feel soothing for you, right, Right,

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna say we'll go where you want. Right,

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Speaker 1: But let's say that it's the reverse, right that I'm

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Speaker 1: the person who's having a bad day and we're trying

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Speaker 1: to decide, and you say, well, you know, I'm really

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Speaker 1: feeling going to this tie spot tonight. I'm having a

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Speaker 1: bad day, and I'm like, tee, I know you're really

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Speaker 1: feeling a tie spot, But like, what would really help

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Speaker 1: me in in coming down from my bad day is

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Speaker 1: if we went to this Mexican spot. Mm hm. And

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Speaker 1: so that's me being kind, right because I'm acknowledging what

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Speaker 1: you want, but I'm also stating that I have a

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Speaker 1: need as well.

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Speaker 3: Right, that makes sense. I've definitely used these words interchangeably.

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Speaker 3: So I can't wait to dive in deeper. Now, Lady,

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Speaker 3: before we dig in deeper, you should think about where

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Speaker 3: you think you reside most often. We know you desire

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Speaker 3: where the money reside. Right, Yes, we all were to

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Speaker 3: money reside, But in the contents of the situation in

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Speaker 3: this conversation, are you more so nice most of the

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Speaker 3: time or are you kind? And then Dom, let's talk

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Speaker 3: about what you're excited about in life right now, and

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Speaker 3: then let's dive in deeper into this conversation and why

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Speaker 3: it's important for us to even have this conversation around

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Speaker 3: being nice versus being kind because this is very importantly.

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Speaker 3: You may not realize it, but this is very serious

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Speaker 3: and it's important. Okay, So we got to dive in deeper.

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Speaker 3: So what are you excited about these days?

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Speaker 2: Dom?

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Speaker 1: You know, honestly, I'm excited about us try out Green

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Speaker 1: Room right Like it's a new app from Spotify, and

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Speaker 1: it's a space where we can get on and you

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Speaker 1: and I can engage in conversation with with the folks

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Speaker 1: who are listening to us. And I know, lady, as

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Speaker 1: you're listening, particularly our listeners who have been rocking with

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Speaker 1: us from like early on, and they said, how we

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Speaker 1: can how can we connect? Like we want to talk

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Speaker 1: to y'all, Like this is a great opportunity for y'all

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Speaker 1: to do. So we're doing this every Friday at one

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Speaker 1: thirty Pacific time for thirty East Coast time. And you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm excited to like just dive have those those moments

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Speaker 1: of like real authentic, like in the moment conversation with folks.

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Speaker 1: What about Udine, what are you excited about?

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Speaker 3: I am excited down about our Patreon content and the

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Speaker 3: fact that we are going to be releasing video content

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Speaker 3: with our episodes, because we've been wanting to do this

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Speaker 3: for so long, lady and right, but we're both busy

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Speaker 3: working women, and so now we're going to be releasing.

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Speaker 2: Our main episode on Patreon. Those episodes are usually anywhere from.

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Speaker 3: Twenty five to sometimes an hour long episode. You'll see

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Speaker 3: video to accompany that, and then on the after show

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Speaker 3: you'll also see that video and audio on the on Patreon,

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Speaker 3: And the after show is basically where we let our

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Speaker 3: hair down. It gets a little ratchet, get even raler

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Speaker 3: than we are on the podcast. If you see us

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Speaker 3: on video now, you might see that I'm actually feeding

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Speaker 3: the baby right now. So I mean it gets real

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Speaker 3: on Patreon. So you can just visit patreon dot com

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Speaker 3: slash Hairspace podcast and check out our episodes there.

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Speaker 2: But that's what I'm excited for them.

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Speaker 1: I think those are like, we got some great things happening,

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Speaker 1: so I'm excited to see the direction we continue to go,

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Speaker 1: But let's dive back in to our conversation about kindness

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Speaker 1: versus niceness. So see, I shared a little bit about

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Speaker 1: how I see myself fitting there. What about you? Where

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Speaker 1: do you Where do you see yourself or what reflections

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Speaker 1: can you think of?

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Speaker 3: To be honest, down, I think we have a lot

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Speaker 3: in common and we have very similar personalities because I've

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Speaker 3: been that person too where people are like, oh, you're

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Speaker 3: so nice. Like I had a manager one time tell

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Speaker 3: me like introducing me to someone and she's like, oh,

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Speaker 3: she's like the nicest person I've ever met. And I

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Speaker 3: was like, Okay, that's cool. I guess what the fuck

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Speaker 3: does that mean? Like, wait, why do you think I'm

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Speaker 3: that nice? I want to make sure I'm like setting

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Speaker 3: boundaries and all these things. And it's funny because I

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Speaker 3: actually had to set a boundary with that same person,

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Speaker 3: and I kind of wonder, like that she still think

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Speaker 3: I'm nice after having set that boundary, right, But I

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Speaker 3: would say same thing with me down However, the older

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Speaker 3: I get, and honestly, after having the child, I feel

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Speaker 3: a shift in me, like I'm getting my big girl draws,

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Speaker 3: you know, I'm moving from the from my you know,

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Speaker 3: young girl partings to my big girl draws, and I

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Speaker 3: feel like I'm starting to set boundaries and just still

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Speaker 3: being a kind person because I really do value, you know,

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Speaker 3: just other people's comfort and addition to my own and

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Speaker 3: just making sure that we're all.

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Speaker 2: Just you know, living our best life.

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Speaker 3: But I also am setting more boundaries, like setting boundaries

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Speaker 3: more often than I was before, and so I see

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Speaker 3: myself shifting from being nice to being kind. The last

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Speaker 3: thing I'll say about this before we move on to

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Speaker 3: why this is important is that I used to really

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Speaker 3: value the perception of other people and like how other

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Speaker 3: people perceived me. So oftentimes when I was being nice,

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Speaker 3: it was because I felt this pressure to sort of

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Speaker 3: project positivity and zoom positivity at all costs, even if

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Speaker 3: I didn't really feel that way, and so it was disingenuous.

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Speaker 3: So you might think I was being nice, but on

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Speaker 3: the inside, I was like, I don't really want to

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Speaker 3: do this shit, you know, I didn't have a good

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Speaker 3: attitude about it. So I've noticed a shift overall, because

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Speaker 3: ideally I would love for my inner world to reflect

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Speaker 3: my outer world and how I show up, So I'm

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Speaker 3: trying to get more in alignment with that as much

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Speaker 3: as possible.

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Speaker 1: I love that. I love that, and I think that

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Speaker 1: that is something that all of us, right are hopefully

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Speaker 1: like striving to awards, right, like really figuring out how

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Speaker 1: to be kind versus nice, And like I love the

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Speaker 1: description that you gave about boundaries, right and the need

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Speaker 1: to have those boundaries and not let people kind of

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Speaker 1: walk over those boundaries for the sake of avoiding conflict, right,

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Speaker 1: because I think that all of those are characteristics or

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Speaker 1: things that can happen when you are nice versus kind, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that you It's some of it is stemming from being

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Speaker 1: a people pleaser, right, Some of it is stemming from

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Speaker 1: lack of boundaries, some of it is stemming from wanting

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Speaker 1: to avoid conflict, right, Like I know that that was

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Speaker 1: something that I would do for it, Like that was

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Speaker 1: part of that was all tied in together of like

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Speaker 1: being at people pleaser and like being conflict avoided. Right. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that I didn't want to come across as as a

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Speaker 1: mean person, right, Or I didn't want to be aggressive

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Speaker 1: or not wanting to fit the angry black woman's stereotype, right,

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Speaker 1: Like all of those things can play into why we

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Speaker 1: might be nice versus being kind. Right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's spot on, Tom, and I think that, I mean,

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Speaker 3: it's so important for us to have this conversation and

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Speaker 3: to work on shifting because, like you said, when you're

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Speaker 3: nice a lot of times, I know, for in my experience,

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Speaker 3: let me speaking personal experience, you get taken advantage of,

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Speaker 3: for sure, even by well intontion people, and that shit

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Speaker 3: builds up, you know, like if you constantly being taken

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Speaker 3: advantage of, or you notice that people are constantly over talking,

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Speaker 3: like I remember being on this one team and they

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Speaker 3: were like, I was just I was very timid, and

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Speaker 3: so people are like, oh, she's so nice because you

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Speaker 3: can have your way and do whatever you want. I

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Speaker 3: ain't gonna do shit like that's just who I was

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Speaker 3: at that time. I had to grow to a certain place.

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Speaker 3: And when you do that, when you when people walk

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Speaker 3: all over you long enough, it gets tiring, it wears

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Speaker 3: you down, and then it's my damn, you might become

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Speaker 3: bitter and not better, and then you might just start

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Speaker 3: snapping off people. Yet it builds up in you, right,

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Speaker 3: and that's not fun. It's not a good way to live.

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Speaker 3: And you deserve to put your like they say, put

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Speaker 3: your mask on first, Like you deserve to set your

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Speaker 3: boundaries and set the stage for how people treat you.

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Speaker 3: And so I think that's why it's really important to

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Speaker 3: move into kindness where you have good vibes. You're giving

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Speaker 3: everyone good vibes, but the good vibes start with you.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, exactly. And I think like the thing that

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Speaker 1: the word that kept popping up for me as you

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Speaker 1: were describing that was authenticity, right. That like, if you

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Speaker 1: were in that situation where people are taking advantage of you,

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Speaker 1: where you're not setting your boundaries and it leads to

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Speaker 1: you being resempl you're lacking authenticity, right, And when you're

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Speaker 1: lacking authenticity, that leads for lots of other chaotic situations

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Speaker 1: in your life as well, right, because then people don't

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Speaker 1: know how to really interact with you because you're not

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Speaker 1: being your real self.

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Speaker 2: Can we zoom in on that real quick?

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Speaker 3: Because that is we're all working progress, lady, So as

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Speaker 3: you listen to this, know that we are also working

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Speaker 3: on becoming our best selves constantly. But don you just

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Speaker 3: hit the nail on the motherfucking head. Okay, it's a girl.

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Speaker 3: I have a lot of empathy for people that don't

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Speaker 3: know who they are and you know, you can just

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Speaker 3: meet someone you can tell like, oh, this person is

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Speaker 3: not very comfortable with themselves and they're still finding themselves.

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Speaker 2: That was me, So I can spot it from a

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Speaker 2: mile away.

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Speaker 3: And there's some instances where I'm still working on becoming

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Speaker 3: more comfortable and developing in certain areas. But I remember

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Speaker 3: a time where I really did not know who I was,

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Speaker 3: and I was really just kind of like a chameleon

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Speaker 3: tossed to and fro, like if everyone in this group

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Speaker 3: is happy, I'm gonna be happier. If this is what

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Speaker 3: everyone wants to do, I'm just gonna do that. And

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Speaker 3: didn't really know how to stand that for myself and

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Speaker 3: set those boundaries. And now, although I have empathy for

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Speaker 3: those people because that person is me, that was me,

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Speaker 3: it also makes me a little nervous being around someone

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Speaker 3: that does not state how they feel, because now it's like, wait,

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Speaker 3: how do you really feel, right because you're giving me

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Speaker 3: some one thing, But I'm a little nervous because I'm

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Speaker 3: not sure, like are you really comfortable?

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Speaker 2: Like do you have other thoughts? So I think it

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Speaker 2: does a disservice to the.

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Speaker 3: People that we work with and the people who are

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Speaker 3: around when we aren't honest because now people might be

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Speaker 3: a little insecure or like, well, I know what you're

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Speaker 3: showing me, Like I see the mask, but what's the.

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Speaker 2: Real real, what's really going on? I think have you

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Speaker 2: noticed that? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I think that that's important, right to like think about

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Speaker 1: like the impact that it has when you aren't honest

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Speaker 1: with yourself or with the other with other people, because

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Speaker 1: is it all ties back, it goes, it all ties in, right,

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Speaker 1: So it looks like them maybe taking advantage of you

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Speaker 1: later on down the line because you're not being honest

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Speaker 1: with them about how you're feeling. So they're like, hey,

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Speaker 1: so you know, we have this big project coming up

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Speaker 1: and we need five people to work on it. So Terry,

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Speaker 1: you want to be on that project? And you say yeah,

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Speaker 1: even though you know your capacity is at its mac

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Speaker 1: or you just don't you're not interested in that project, right,

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Speaker 1: And you say sure, I'll do it because you're trying

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Speaker 1: to be nice. And then now you're working on this

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Speaker 1: project and you're exhausted because you're over capacity, or you

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Speaker 1: might start saying some I don't know, so file shit

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Speaker 1: to folks because like you just start letting it slip, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Because you're burned out and you're resentful that you're on

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Speaker 1: this project, when really the kind thing would have been

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Speaker 1: to say, thank you for considering me, but I'm not

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Speaker 1: interested in being on this project right now.

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Speaker 2: That's a good point.

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Speaker 3: I did think of another example, don, okay, and it

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Speaker 3: kind of relates to something that we have talked about

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Speaker 3: behind the scenes. But I don't want to give too

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Speaker 3: much detail because it's not something that we want to

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Speaker 3: give a lot of detail about. But I think it's

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Speaker 3: a really important example because I think this is real

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Speaker 3: life and this is what some of us deal with. Now,

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Speaker 3: just wink at me if you catch my drift on

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Speaker 3: like where I'm going and what I'm talking about. Now, okay, lady,

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Speaker 3: Let's say that you have a situation where there's a

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Speaker 3: person at work and this person at work, you all

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Speaker 3: are in this situation where you have to choose a

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Speaker 3: partner for a project that you're working on at work,

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Speaker 3: and this person comes to you, but you're not really

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Speaker 3: feeling this person, and you're like, yo, I don't really

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Speaker 3: care for this person, but I know that this person

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Speaker 3: is either a superior or they're like really close with

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Speaker 3: the managers, and so you're like career wise, and like

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Speaker 3: politically it will be wise for me.

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Speaker 2: You got me to work with this person, but you're like, yoah,

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Speaker 2: I really don't feel this person. I feel like those

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Speaker 2: are there, lady.

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Speaker 3: There are many situations in life that we face where

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Speaker 3: it would be in our best interest for either career

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Speaker 3: development or for growth or just politically to you know,

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Speaker 3: play play the game.

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Speaker 2: Eric, Yes, right, yes, so I'm just curious.

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Speaker 3: There's no writer wrong answer for this, but like, don

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Speaker 3: what is your perspective on those type of situations? Because

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Speaker 3: I have a thought in mind, but I want to

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Speaker 3: hear what you what you think about that kind of situation.

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Speaker 1: So I think in those types of situations it becomes

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Speaker 1: more complex and nuanced, and so you want to take

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Speaker 1: a step back and think about what's authentic to you. Right.

433
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:13,679
Speaker 1: And so it's political, right, like it could have some

434
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 1: future implications for your job, right. Yeah, So there's one

435
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 1: piece of it that's you know, well, how much does

436
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 1: this particular project mean to you? Right? How much does

437
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 1: having this How important is having this connection? Right? And

438
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,119
Speaker 1: so then it's so it really becomes a question of

439
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: evaluating values. So in this particular situation, which value is

440
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 1: more important right now, right, And then if we're going

441
00:25:54,160 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: to respond from a space of kindness, then we will

442
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,720
Speaker 1: tap into we will think about what is going to

443
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 1: be empathic and take into account everybody's positionality in that moment.

444
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,000
Speaker 1: And so you know, it may look like depending on

445
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,159
Speaker 1: where my values falling, may look like me saying, you know,

446
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,280
Speaker 1: I know that this could have detrimental effects to me politically,

447
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,640
Speaker 1: but right now, in this moment, I don't feel comfortable

448
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 1: working with this particular person right or it could look

449
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:47,920
Speaker 1: like me saying politically, I really need this. And as

450
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:52,480
Speaker 1: much as I don't want to work with this person politically,

451
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: that's what's more important to me right now. And so

452
00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:01,680
Speaker 1: if I approach it from a kindness perspective, then I

453
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:06,679
Speaker 1: allow myself to honor how I'm feeling, and then I

454
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: speak with the person that I don't really want to

455
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 1: work with around like, what are some boundaries that would

456
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,400
Speaker 1: make it comfortable for me to work with them?

457
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts? I love that answer.

458
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 3: I think you are spot on, and I think it's

459
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,719
Speaker 3: situational and I think, like you said it really I

460
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,399
Speaker 3: love that you talked about just kind of sitting with

461
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 3: yourself and being self aware, right, and feeling your own

462
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 3: feelings and like analyzing.

463
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,119
Speaker 2: Okay, how do I feel about the situation? What do

464
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:35,960
Speaker 2: I value?

465
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 3: Like, I love that it's like the lady, this is

466
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 3: not cookie cutter stuff like That's why I'm so glad

467
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 3: that Dom's shared in that way, because it really is situational.

468
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,920
Speaker 2: And also I think it's about being strategic, right.

469
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,480
Speaker 3: Being strategic lot sometimes we have to be right, And again,

470
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,160
Speaker 3: it goes back to what you value sometimes, Like I'm

471
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 3: just saying, for example, if you're like a billionaire and

472
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,320
Speaker 3: you don't have to work with that person in your

473
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,160
Speaker 3: career set and you don't need it, and you're like, yo,

474
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 3: I don't value that right now, it may not be

475
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,440
Speaker 3: the right option for you, right, But if you're in

476
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 3: a different position, it might be.

477
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 2: So I love that you pointed that out come, and I.

478
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 3: Think that gives us a great segue right into our

479
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 3: strategies for being kind, And the first will be being

480
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 3: self aware.

481
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,719
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I mean I think that the example that

482
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:21,439
Speaker 1: we just talked through gave a really good illustration of

483
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 1: what self awareness looks like. Right, So stepping back and

484
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: really getting into yourself around and identifying what are the

485
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings that are coming up in this situation

486
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: and what do you really need and want in this moment.

487
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: So then that takes us to our next strategy, which

488
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 1: is to focus on authenticity. And we talked about this

489
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: already throughout the episode of like really just being real

490
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 1: with yourself. Right when I think about authenticity, I think

491
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,720
Speaker 1: about this, Okay, I already know what I'm about to

492
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 1: say is going to ruffle something others and people might

493
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,960
Speaker 1: come for me in the comments, and I'm okay with

494
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: that because we're focused on authenticity. So, Tea, you know

495
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 1: when people say, when people ask you how are you? Yeah,

496
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 1: people passing in the streets say walk by you, they

497
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: say hi, how you doing? Or how are hi? How

498
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 1: are you?

499
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 2: M hm?

500
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:35,440
Speaker 1: What's the expectation in that conversation? Oh, the expectation in

501
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: most cases is laid. I'm gonna be real with you

502
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: is keep that shit short and simple to the point.

503
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: Don't tell me all about what the fuck you're going through.

504
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 1: I don't have time or the energy to take that in.

505
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 3: Tell me you you're doing good, and let's keep it pushing, Like,

506
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,800
Speaker 3: don't nobody want to hear all that? Honestly, when I

507
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,360
Speaker 3: when I ask people, though, I really do want to

508
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 3: hear all that, like I'm that.

509
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 2: Person and that's.

510
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: Okay, it's kindness.

511
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 3: I was gonna say, like I really do want it,

512
00:29:58,160 --> 00:29:59,880
Speaker 3: like tell me, like let's hit down, have a car,

513
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 3: like what's going on? No, But most people they're just

514
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,960
Speaker 3: like it's in passing and if you start to tell

515
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 3: them about what you're going through, they'll be looking like, bitch,

516
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 3: I don't care about all that.

517
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,720
Speaker 1: Right, yes, Like I know I see it a lot

518
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 1: in the South, right, and other places too, but definitely

519
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: in the South where you pass everybody on the street

520
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you know them or not. Hey, how

521
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 1: you doing, I'm fine or I'm blessed, and then you

522
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:30,760
Speaker 1: keep going right.

523
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, And part of me is like, dom is it

524
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 3: realistic to like have a conversation and depth about what

525
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,200
Speaker 3: you're going through and do you want to help you

526
00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 3: your business?

527
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 2: Know?

528
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,760
Speaker 3: But culturally it is kind of a weird expectation that

529
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 3: we have to like why even ask the question socially

530
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 3: if we're not going to be I guess exactly.

531
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: And so I've tried to start paying attention to that

532
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,840
Speaker 1: to do like you do right, Like if I'm asking

533
00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: how are you doing?

534
00:30:59,720 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 3: Then?

535
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 1: And if I'm the one initiating it, right then I'm

536
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 1: trying to be more authentic around I'm asking because I

537
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:12,720
Speaker 1: truly want to know, like I want beyond the I'm

538
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 1: okay or I'm fine, like I want I want to know,

539
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:21,240
Speaker 1: like what's the latest and greatest, right, And so that's

540
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:25,360
Speaker 1: the thing with kindness though, it's about really being authentic.

541
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:32,080
Speaker 1: So not asking someone, you know, how are you doing

542
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:36,160
Speaker 1: when you don't really want to know? Right?

543
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,360
Speaker 3: Wait, I just thought of another nom or like when

544
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 3: you ask your partner, you know, let's say you guys

545
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,280
Speaker 3: a yummy cheesecake or some really yummy cookies and you're

546
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,960
Speaker 3: like you want some of this, and you'll be like ya, yes.

547
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. Don't offer it if you don't really want

548
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: to share it, right, Yeah, be authentic.

549
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 3: The next one, which we've talked about all episodes, is

550
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 3: to set boundaries.

551
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,880
Speaker 1: Yes, set those boundaries. You know how to do this,

552
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,200
Speaker 1: and if you're still unsure, we have an episode on

553
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 1: how to set boundaries and what to do if you

554
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 1: violate someone else's boundaries or they violate yours. All right,

555
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:29,280
Speaker 1: Our final tip navigate conflict constructively. I think this one

556
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:35,000
Speaker 1: goes to that conflict avoidant person, right, So if we

557
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 1: are operating from a space of kindness, we step into

558
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:51,080
Speaker 1: the conflict right and we act assertively. We don't act aggressively,

559
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 1: we don't act passive. We are willing to hear what

560
00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 1: the other person wants, and we are also willing to

561
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:06,480
Speaker 1: share what it is that we want, and we are

562
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 1: also willing to acknowledge each person's feeling. So just to recap,

563
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 1: become self aware, focus on authenticity, set boundaries, and navigate

564
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:25,920
Speaker 1: conflict constructively.

565
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,640
Speaker 3: And we do have an episode for that, for the

566
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 3: conflict resolution one, so be sure to check that out.

567
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 3: And Lady got to let you know we have well

568
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:35,720
Speaker 3: over one hundred episodes, so make sure.

569
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 2: You check the archives.

570
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:41,400
Speaker 3: We've talked about boundaries and poster syndrome and fertility, oligamy,

571
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,720
Speaker 3: narcissist and more. So you can literally just google a

572
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 3: keyword along with our podcast name and that should help

573
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,040
Speaker 3: you find exactly what you're looking for.

574
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 2: Now, we are.

575
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 3: About to head on over to Patreon to record the

576
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 3: after show, so we hope to see you there. Hey, lady,

577
00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,560
Speaker 3: it's Terry here from Cultivating her Space. Are you tired

578
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 3: of working hard for your money. Do you want your

579
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 3: business to run smoothly when you're out of office? If

580
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 3: you want to learn how to automate your business cash

581
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 3: flow and increase your impact and influence, join me from

582
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:18,479
Speaker 3: our free workshop at brandwidth Terry dot com. Again, that's

583
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 3: brand with Terry dot com. My name is spelled Te DOUBLERII.

584
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,320
Speaker 3: Hope to see you there, lady.

585
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:31,800
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

586
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:37,759
Speaker 1: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

587
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,000
Speaker 1: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

588
00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:45,320
Speaker 1: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

589
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 1: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

590
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,800
Speaker 1: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

591
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:58,760
Speaker 1: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

592
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:02,320
Speaker 3: What you heard and want to keep the conversation going,

593
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:06,560
Speaker 3: visit our website cultivatingherspace dot com and be sure to

594
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 3: click the Patreon tab to get access to video content, bonuses,

595
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,359
Speaker 3: and our weekly after show. And before we meet again,

596
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 3: repeat after me. Greatness is my birthright, so I no

597
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,840
Speaker 3: longer ask for permission