WEBVTT - Breaking The Pattern: Leaving The Abusive Ex 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:04.400 This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:07.920 while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing 0:00:07.960 --> 0:00:12.440 domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:13.080 show notes. 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:19.200 I am I Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 0:00:19.600 --> 0:00:22.119 I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:26.560 I had to learn the skills and tools required to 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:31.240 make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:48.480 R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings, 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:53.000 and welcome back to the our spot. I am Iyamla, 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:58.160 your host, your guide, your support mechanism as we discuss 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:03.240 relationships and all things relationships here on the R Spot. 0:01:03.680 --> 0:01:07.600 And we've got a juicy, jaw smacking topic that we 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:13.080 are talking about today, and it's how your ex or 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:17.640 how you move out of a relationship, how you be 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:21.640 out of a relationship, how you get out of a relationship. 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:26.560 You know, I recently looked at a book called Necessary Endings, 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:30.560 and sometimes it's really necessary for us to end a relationship, 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.959 but we simply don't know how to do that. I mean, 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:37.800 who moves who moves out? And when do they move out? 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:42.039 And if the relationship ends and you're not ready to 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:48.280 move out? Then what do you do? Necessary endings, Yes, 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:52.000 they're required, but there also has to be a process 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:54.960 to the ending, and that's what we're going to talk 0:01:55.000 --> 0:02:00.080 about today. How you be in a relationship with someone 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:04.720 that you're no longer in relationship with, and then how 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:09.200 the hell do you get out of dodge. Let me 0:02:09.280 --> 0:02:14.480 see what today's caller has to say. Greetings beloved, and 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:16.880 welcome to the R Spot. We are talking about your 0:02:16.919 --> 0:02:21.200 relationship with your ex today. So how is your relationship 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:22.080 with your ex? 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:27.600 Oh? It is very confusing, but I am so happy 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:29.400 to hear your voice and to speak with you. 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.560 Thank you so much, Thank you, thank you. 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:35.480 So what's going on with you and the ex? Is 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:36.040 it an ex? 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:38.160 Yeah? 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:40.400 Okay, how long has he been an ex? 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:47.720 It has been about four months? Oh okay, yes, but 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:52.120 it's you know, daily constant repetitive comp communication because there 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:55.480 were unresolved issues as far as bills that replaced it 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:59.360 my name and not paid and created a severe hardship 0:02:59.400 --> 0:03:04.680 for me, and situation that he's constantly contacting me stating 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:08.000 that he's trying to resolve and repair, but he wants 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.520 me to come back in order for him to do 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:12.960 it or for me to believe him. And I just 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:15.240 you know, I'm just tired of that. I experienced that 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:18.919 a lot in Michigan. Detroit, Michigan is where I'm from, 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:24.200 and there is some you know, misunderstandings and language and 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:29.360 actions that you know, I try to minimize and distance 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:33.480 myself from. But when you're in a hardship, it comes 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:38.200 repetitive and just you know, constant. 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:40.720 Well, none of that makes any sense to me. I 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:48.920 hope it makes sense to you. No idea you talk 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:51.640 about repetitive, I don't know what we're talking about. So 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:54.960 let me let me can I ask you a few questions? 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:56.360 No problem thinking? 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.160 Okay, is the relationship over? 0:04:01.480 --> 0:04:06.320 Oh my god, Well, I feel it is over because 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:12.480 so much time has passed, you know, and it's yeah, 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.120 that's not a lot of time. Well, in a state 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:19.160 of crisis. You know, I'm experiencing a severe crisis with 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:22.960 housing as of right now. And I was placed further 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:27.520 in crisis with housing removing myself from the dwelling that 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:31.080 we shared in which I have bills from that household, 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.400 and I am battling a work related injury that has 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:37.680 any segment and he knows of this, but I feel 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:40.520 it's more like power and control that he's trying to 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:43.520 have over me, which which makes me feel like that's 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:47.200 wrong to re enter, you know, regardless of my state 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:52.160 of desperation or housing crisis. I just I know and 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:55.679 feel better that you know. I'm a self sufficient woman 0:04:55.680 --> 0:05:00.240 and I'm used to maintaining my lifestyle. But since it's injury, 0:05:00.839 --> 0:05:05.760 you know, it placed me and then furious crisis where 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.560 I can't jump back into my normoucy the way that 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:12.560 I used to, and I think he's playing all my 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:13.480 heart strength with this. 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:21.159 Okay? Is the relationship over? I'm asking that question again. 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:26.520 Is your relationship with Batman over? Is it over? I 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:29.920 don't care how you got there? Is it over in 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:33.799 your mind? In your heart? Is the relationship done? 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:36.880 In my mind and in my heart, I do believe 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.960 it is over because I don't trust. 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:46.360 I don't enough. Period. It is over. Period because once 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:50.120 you start telling yourself that story, then you're going to 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:56.800 start spinning. Yeah, the relationship is over. There's not enough money, 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:00.359 not enough. What's your favorite food? 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:01.440 Oh? 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:06.120 My favorite turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grit. Okay, that 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:07.280 is my favorite meal. 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:11.720 There's not enough turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grits on 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:15.600 the planet to make me go back into that relationship. 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:18.960 It's just not I'm done. Have you said that I'm done? 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.960 You know I've said that before. But that's the only 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:26.680 person that I was intimate with, So that makes me. 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:31.320 You know what, learn how to masturbate, be intimate with yourself. 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:41.760 How about that? I'm hearing you speak, and this is 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:46.880 what you do. You you step into a decision and 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:50.440 then you spin yourself out of it by saying why 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:54.160 and how and mood? You know what, he created some 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:57.880 bills without your name. Done. I'll figure out me and 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:00.160 God will figure out how to get this paid. Is 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:03.320 not enough grits, eggs and turkey bacon to send me 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:06.799 back in there. I don't have no conversation for you. You 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:08.919 got my money, you got my money. You don't have 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:09.400 my money. 0:07:09.480 --> 0:07:14.400 Buy Yes, I love you so much. 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:17.600 See because I. 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:18.600 Said it, feel it. 0:07:20.000 --> 0:07:26.440 You said it. This is a power over power under relationship. Yeah, 0:07:26.480 --> 0:07:29.800 And if you look back at the relationship, you will 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:33.400 see how it was power over. Either he had the 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:36.680 power over you, or he used what he had to 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.960 have power over you, or you had the power over him, 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:43.080 and he used it, and you'll played this game back 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:47.000 and forth. Power over power under. Now he's got power 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:50.280 over you. Because you're worried about your credit rating or 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:51.680 your job or whatever. 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:51.800 What. 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:54.880 Listen, you can as long as you live, you're gonna 0:07:54.880 --> 0:07:57.480 owe somebody some money. I don't care who it is. 0:07:57.880 --> 0:07:59.880 You're gonna owe a light bill, a gas bill of 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:02.200 or to build a card note. You're gonna owe somebody 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:05.600 some money. So don't be freaked out because there's bills 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.320 that you owe. And if there's nothing you can do 0:08:08.480 --> 0:08:12.640 legally to prove that you did not create these bills, 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:16.400 then you're gonna have to pay them. Yeah, okay, I 0:08:16.480 --> 0:08:19.680 have to pay them. If it's fifty cents a week, 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:24.080 you know, twenty dollars a month, call the people, make 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:28.760 arrangements like a woman with her big girl panties on. Listen. 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.160 These things were created by my partner. I didn't know 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:35.199 about them. They're in my name. I'm willing to pay you, 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:37.640 but this is what I can pay. Do you want it? 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:38.120 No? 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:41.600 Okay, assue me. That's it. 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.040 Yeah yeah, oh that's so true. 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:48.160 If you keep using the power under, if you try 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:53.000 to negotiate from the power under position, You're never gonna 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:58.200 get ahead. You gotta make him your ex and deal 0:08:58.440 --> 0:09:01.760 with him like he's not in your line life. Why 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:05.079 are you talking to him? Why are you talking to him? Oh, 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:08.520 this man who violated your trust, why are you talking 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:08.840 to him. 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:12.560 I've done drastic things, like I've called blocked his number. 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.079 He's you know, changed his number and caused me from 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.720 different text up numbers and things, and then he'll message 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:21.400 me on social media things to unblock his number. So 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:25.000 you know, it's it's a repetitantion number. 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:27.760 Change your eye number. 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:31.920 And I've done that also. I've done that also. So 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:33.600 I just feel like I keep doing the same thing. 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:37.240 But I have the power to end it and stop it, 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:40.040 and I'm going to use that power. And I appreciate 0:09:40.080 --> 0:09:43.080 you for reminding me of that power, because you know, 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:48.080 in the situation, in the circumstance, I feel weakened, needing 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:50.640 help and assistance and support, but I never receive it. 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:54.319 So I get it now. I'm awakened. I am awakened 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:56.120 to the fact that I am the only one that 0:09:56.240 --> 0:09:59.400 can stop this repetitant and create more distance. 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:03.160 You can complete it. You see, when you shift. He'll 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:07.760 shift because you know the ace in the hole, you know, 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:11.280 the big club in your back pocket is you can 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:13.960 get a restraint in order and he won't be able 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:17.400 to contact you physically, electronically, no kind of way. Less 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:20.280 he want to sitiz behind in jail. But if you're 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:23.720 not finished with him, then if you're not finished with him, 0:10:24.080 --> 0:10:26.440 then there's no way that you will take the necessary 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:30.400 steps to take care of yourself. You got a housing crisis. 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:33.360 Did he own houses? Can he help you in the 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:34.280 housing crisis? 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:35.760 Yeah? 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:36.440 He can. 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:40.800 Well, he says that he would purchase to relocate us 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:41.880 if we are together. 0:10:42.720 --> 0:10:44.679 I don't care what he says. He's a liar, he's 0:10:44.720 --> 0:10:47.079 a liar. He's a liar. He's a liar. 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:51.679 Yeah, yeah, I mean happened. And it's like, I'm weakened 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:53.440 by the fact that my birthday is in less than 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:57.080 two weeks, so I'm over anxious about resolving things, and 0:10:57.120 --> 0:11:00.160 then you know my upcoming birthday, so it's just a 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:02.319 bunch of emotional conflicts. 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:05.959 What does your birthday have to do with it? What 0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:08.600 does your birthday have to do with the fact that 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:15.800 somebody violated you, that someone took your name and misappropriated it. 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:19.800 With all the work that you've done in your life, 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:23.360 what does your birthday have to do with that? Help me? 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:24.840 I'm missing something. 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:28.960 I'm missing Well, the only male figure that I really 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:31.320 look up to is my grandfather and we share the 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:34.880 same birthday. He just passed away last month, so I 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:38.160 am still in my feelings you know, about his passing, 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:41.160 and was trying to celebrate my birthday with him before 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:44.679 the passing. But you know, the crisis that I'm in, 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:47.560 it's just making me think about how much I don't have, 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:50.520 how much I lost, and how much you know. I 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:55.640 am trying to quickly get back into my comfort feed 0:11:55.679 --> 0:12:00.360 of things, but he's contacting me saying, I will you know, 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:02.640 I know all of this, I know everything, and I 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:05.480 can fix it. I will help it, and you know, 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:07.800 it makes me think that there is a way. But 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:12.000 I see that what has what happened, what I experience, 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:14.520 there's no repair to that. I have to take that 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.400 lesson and experience and move past that and not be 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:22.160 retriggered or reminded or put in the same circumstance again. 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:27.280 So I have to make sure that I eliminated. That's 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:30.080 the only thing I can do. He's calling me at 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:30.680 this moment. 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:36.880 Oh, put him on the phone, belove it. What is 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:37.440 your prayer? 0:12:38.600 --> 0:12:44.080 My prayer is for peace, safety, and comfort on a 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:45.240 consistent basis. 0:12:46.160 --> 0:12:50.080 M Comfort. Now, you may want to expand that a 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:53.280 little bit because you're comfortable where you are right now. 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:57.240 You're comfortable with the drama and the crisis of trying 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.559 to negotiate with this power over power under relay reationship, 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:03.920 trying to prove that you're right about how wrong he is. 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:09.120 You're comfortable in that, well you are, That's why you're 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:09.800 still doing it. 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:15.680 Well. I mentioned that that prayer as you know, my 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:20.320 release or escape to get into the things that I 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:23.360 am really interested in. I have three companies, but because 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:25.800 of this housing crisis, I feel as if I'm unable 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:31.319 to you know, launch or really prepare my businesses for 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:34.680 launch with having all my things all over the place. 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:37.600 So when I saw your post about the bags in 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.280 the suitcases and I'm like, oh, that is me, You're 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:47.600 calling out to me, I'm like, oh, my goodness, that's 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:49.680 exactly how I felt when I seen it. I said, 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:52.640 you know what, I have to organize. I have to 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:53.439 give back. 0:13:55.040 --> 0:14:01.559 We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.200 to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:08.680 Part of your challenges. You have too many stories running 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:14.000 in your mind. That's part of it. Your birthday, your 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:18.480 grandfather died, your crisis the birthday. But could you focus 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:22.000 on one thing at a time. What is your priority 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:22.680 right now? 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:30.160 Peaceful comfortable housing? That is my priority, my goal. 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:34.680 Okay, what is it with you and the comfort? What's 0:14:34.680 --> 0:14:37.200 your comfort? What's this thing with the comfort? I don't 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:41.920 understand because I'm telling you you are comfortable where you 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:51.280 are right now, peaceful, safe, affordable. Forget the comfort because 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:57.120 I think your comfort is drama. But I could be wrong. Well, 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:07.320 So if your priority is is adequate, peaceful, affordable housing, 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:12.120 make that your prayer period, that's where you focus. 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:14.440 I will do that. I will. 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:19.440 That's your prayer. And he's not the answer to your prayer. 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:23.040 He really isn't, because if he was, it wouldn't have 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:25.040 taken you four months to get the answer. 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:28.320 Yeah. Oh my, oh you know. 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:31.200 What he wants something in return. 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:37.640 That's why you are my other money. You are. I 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:39.240 appreciate you so much. 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:46.480 Yeah, your prayer is you know whoever you pray to, 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:52.120 precious Lord, Divine Mother, blessed Father, Holy Spirit, Guardian angels, ancestors, 0:15:52.120 --> 0:15:55.800 whoever that's your grandfather, to help you get a prayer, 0:15:55.960 --> 0:16:01.560 get an adequate, affordable, safe, peaceful house. Yeah he's an 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:05.720 ancestor now, Yeah he can help you. Yeah you are, 0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:09.840 but boo boo to fool length will help you. Otherwise 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:11.120 he would have done it by Now. 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.120 You are so right and so true. 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:18.440 And I don't I don't say that to be disrespectful 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:21.000 to him. I don't know him. He's probably a lovely person, 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:23.920 but he's playing the fool in your life. And I'm 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:24.560 talking to you. 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.480 So, yeah, you're absolutely correct. 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:36.400 See hear this. As long as you have an outstanding 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:43.480 bill in your mind with his name on it, the 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:48.400 door he comes through into your life will remain open. 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:54.760 You're still in a relationship with him because that door 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.720 is still open because you want him to pay the 0:16:57.760 --> 0:16:58.880 bill that he created. 0:16:59.280 --> 0:17:01.640 Yeah, well not anymore. 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:05.280 And as long as you hold him responsible for any 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:09.639 aspect of your life at all, that door's going to 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:11.200 stay open, and he won't be an. 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:14.200 Ex But wouldn't that be a little extreme of me 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:19.240 to you know, apply or to obtain a ppo or 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:22.520 restraining order or anything like that. Is that extreme or 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:25.919 is that just sealing the nail on the coffin like 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:30.080 it's completely filled and done. I just don't want to 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:31.200 entice anything. 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:33.560 Well, answer that question, I don't. 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:35.920 Want any flack or any like retaliation you. 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:41.359 Know from who? Well, who's who's going to retaliate? Well, 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:43.120 are you afraid of him? 0:17:43.720 --> 0:17:46.640 Well? I just feel as if if I apply, and 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:49.520 whether I obtain it or not, he will get notified 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:53.159 and then he'll be upset that I applied. I know 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:55.960 I'm caring too much about his feelings. 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.080 And what does his upset have to do with you? 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:03.119 I don't know his what his reactions are. We were 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:04.480 in a physical artercation. 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:06.919 So how long were you all together? 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:08.120 About a year? 0:18:08.560 --> 0:18:11.280 About a year? And you don't know what his reactions 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:13.120 are in that year? 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:17.200 Well, I know that there were simple miscommunications and he 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:21.480 was more physical than verbal. So you know I don't 0:18:21.520 --> 0:18:22.800 want to repeat that ever. 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:27.399 Well, that's why you need a restrain in order. But 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:29.560 you don't have to go that way. You are a woman. 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:35.760 You are connected to the most powerful force on the earth. 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:40.439 As a woman, you plant your feet on solid ground 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.720 and say this fool gonna leave me alone, and this 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:48.280 is how I'm going to create that. I'm not taking 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:51.280 his calls, and if I pick up the phone and 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:55.399 he's on it, I'm hanging up and I'm not going 0:18:55.480 --> 0:19:00.359 to respond to him on social media. I'm done. I 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:04.320 am complete. And until you can say that, you're just 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:06.520 going to be in and out of this thing because 0:19:06.640 --> 0:19:10.040 you got a lot of stories spinning around in your head. Yeah, 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.080 you know, I have a saying that I say sometimes 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:15.800 to people when they think they're going to bully me, 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.920 or when I allow myself to be bullied, because see, 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:24.119 I take responsibility for every single thing that's going on 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:28.080 in my life. Nobody can treat me bad. I'm not 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:31.480 paying close enough attention to see what they're doing, and 0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:34.720 I end up being treated badly. That's not on them, 0:19:34.760 --> 0:19:39.719 that's on me. You know, If a bird poops on 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:43.880 your head one time, that's you know, that's just an accident. 0:19:44.200 --> 0:19:46.760 If a bird poops on your head two times, oh, 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:49.280 you need to pay attention. By the time the bird 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:51.600 poops on your head three times, you need to move 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:53.120 or get a hat. 0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:55.560 Okay, And that's perfect. 0:19:56.480 --> 0:20:00.160 Take total responsibility for what's going on in your life. 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:02.880 See the first time he put his hands on you, 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:05.920 you should have left, but you didn't. Okay, no heat, 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:09.720 no judgment. You weren't sure. Maybe he was having a 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:13.000 moment the second time he did it. Oh wait a minute, 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:15.399 hold up, I think I'm in a relationship with a 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:19.720 physical abuser. So now that you ain't even in the 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:22.560 same house, in the same relationship, why are you still 0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:24.840 concerned about him putting his hands on you? 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:27.600 Yeah? Why? Oh my. 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:32.119 My saying that I say to people sometimes is oh, 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:36.240 you feel like a frog, leap, I got something for you. 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:42.000 Go ahead, leap, you feel froggish, leap, I got something 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:42.240 for you. 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:45.639 Oh I love it so much. Thank you. 0:20:49.040 --> 0:20:51.159 And if you're not willing to take that kind of 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:54.920 stand for yourself, if you're not willing to pray your 0:20:55.080 --> 0:21:00.480 need in the moment without any concern or consideration, if 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:04.199 you're not willing to write that debt off because you 0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:06.639 stayed in a relationship with a man who put his 0:21:06.720 --> 0:21:09.760 hands on you. If he would put his hands on you, 0:21:09.760 --> 0:21:11.879 you should have known he didn't respect you enough to 0:21:11.920 --> 0:21:15.359 honor your name. Yeah, that he would create bills in 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:19.119 your name. Okay, Oops, I wasn't paying attention. Let me 0:21:19.160 --> 0:21:21.400 move on. I got it. 0:21:22.520 --> 0:21:23.760 Yeah, I'm waking now. 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:29.800 They focus on your prayer. You better wake up. Throw 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:35.120 some cold water in your own face until you do that. 0:21:35.200 --> 0:21:39.359 He's not your ex He's an anchor, holding you in 0:21:39.440 --> 0:21:42.919 the same place. Oh, he's got you just where he 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:43.359 wants you. 0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:45.040 Oh no, I don't want that. 0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:46.920 Well that's what you got. 0:21:48.720 --> 0:21:52.000 Well I definitely has to do something about that. Yeah, 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:53.320 that ends today. 0:21:54.560 --> 0:22:01.240 We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back 0:22:01.280 --> 0:22:04.040 to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:07.439 He's holding you in the same place. 0:22:08.359 --> 0:22:12.399 That is over. It is completely over. You know. I 0:22:12.840 --> 0:22:14.959 just I really needed to hear your voice. 0:22:15.600 --> 0:22:19.520 Here's your mantra. You know what a mantra is. It's 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:23.200 a word that you say over and over and over. Yeah, yeah, 0:22:23.359 --> 0:22:26.080 you know what yours is? What's your you want to 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:27.200 know or do you have one? 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:28.439 I want to know. 0:22:30.080 --> 0:22:39.840 Done period, not comma, not done if done, when done, 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:44.240 because done period, done done with you? 0:22:46.400 --> 0:22:49.879 Okay, that will be totally no. But I have to 0:22:50.000 --> 0:22:53.480 stand firm in that to do that, because sometimes I 0:22:53.520 --> 0:22:56.639 feel as if people need a second chance or you know, 0:22:56.880 --> 0:23:01.720 a redemption or anything like that. So I strengthening myself 0:23:01.840 --> 0:23:07.359 to just know that not always appropriate. I am understanding 0:23:07.440 --> 0:23:07.960 this now. 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:11.680 How many times did he put his hands on you? 0:23:12.920 --> 0:23:15.600 To many accounts, Okay, he. 0:23:15.600 --> 0:23:21.920 Got his second chance, third, fourth, fifth, six. And while 0:23:21.960 --> 0:23:24.840 it may not be physical right now, he's still abusing you, 0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:31.240 and you're participating. You are a voluntary participant in your 0:23:31.359 --> 0:23:35.040 own suffering. How about that? 0:23:36.200 --> 0:23:38.120 Oh sounds embarrassing. 0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:44.040 I lived for nine years in an abusive marriage. You 0:23:44.080 --> 0:23:51.560 know when it stopped? When when I left, he was 0:23:51.600 --> 0:23:53.760 gonna have to beat his own self because I wasn't there. 0:23:53.880 --> 0:23:55.160 It just stopped completely. 0:23:55.440 --> 0:23:57.600 I left. Who was he gonna beat He wasn't gonna 0:23:57.600 --> 0:24:01.360 beat me. I wasn't there, me and my three babies 0:24:01.359 --> 0:24:03.920 and three bags of clothes. I left the coffee pot, 0:24:04.240 --> 0:24:08.920 the washing machine, the vacuum cleaner. I left my sheets, 0:24:09.000 --> 0:24:12.880 my towels, and my pots. I left most of my drawers, 0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:18.520 my bras, my earrings. I have my three babies and 0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:21.040 three bags of clothes, and I left. That's when he 0:24:21.119 --> 0:24:25.200 stopped beating me. Oh my, I was willing to sleep 0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:28.840 in the park with the squirrels rather than go back 0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:33.480 to that. That's where you got to get to. Yeah, yeah, 0:24:34.760 --> 0:24:37.680