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Speaker 1: This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care

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Speaker 1: while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing

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Speaker 1: domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the

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Speaker 1: show notes.

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Speaker 2: I am I Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.

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Speaker 2: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 2: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 2: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 2: R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings,

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Speaker 2: and welcome back to the our spot. I am Iyamla,

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Speaker 2: your host, your guide, your support mechanism as we discuss

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Speaker 2: relationships and all things relationships here on the R Spot.

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Speaker 2: And we've got a juicy, jaw smacking topic that we

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Speaker 2: are talking about today, and it's how your ex or

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Speaker 2: how you move out of a relationship, how you be

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Speaker 2: out of a relationship, how you get out of a relationship.

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Speaker 2: You know, I recently looked at a book called Necessary Endings,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes it's really necessary for us to end a relationship,

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Speaker 2: but we simply don't know how to do that. I mean,

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Speaker 2: who moves who moves out? And when do they move out?

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Speaker 2: And if the relationship ends and you're not ready to

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Speaker 2: move out? Then what do you do? Necessary endings, Yes,

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Speaker 2: they're required, but there also has to be a process

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Speaker 2: to the ending, and that's what we're going to talk

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Speaker 2: about today. How you be in a relationship with someone

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Speaker 2: that you're no longer in relationship with, and then how

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Speaker 2: the hell do you get out of dodge. Let me

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Speaker 2: see what today's caller has to say. Greetings beloved, and

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Speaker 2: welcome to the R Spot. We are talking about your

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Speaker 2: relationship with your ex today. So how is your relationship

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Speaker 2: with your ex?

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Speaker 3: Oh? It is very confusing, but I am so happy

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Speaker 3: to hear your voice and to speak with you.

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Speaker 4: Thank you so much, Thank you, thank you.

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Speaker 2: So what's going on with you and the ex? Is

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Speaker 2: it an ex?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Okay, how long has he been an ex?

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Speaker 4: It has been about four months? Oh okay, yes, but

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Speaker 4: it's you know, daily constant repetitive comp communication because there

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Speaker 4: were unresolved issues as far as bills that replaced it

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Speaker 4: my name and not paid and created a severe hardship

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Speaker 4: for me, and situation that he's constantly contacting me stating

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Speaker 4: that he's trying to resolve and repair, but he wants

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Speaker 4: me to come back in order for him to do

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Speaker 4: it or for me to believe him. And I just

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Speaker 4: you know, I'm just tired of that. I experienced that

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Speaker 4: a lot in Michigan. Detroit, Michigan is where I'm from,

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Speaker 4: and there is some you know, misunderstandings and language and

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Speaker 4: actions that you know, I try to minimize and distance

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Speaker 4: myself from. But when you're in a hardship, it comes

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Speaker 4: repetitive and just you know, constant.

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Speaker 2: Well, none of that makes any sense to me. I

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Speaker 2: hope it makes sense to you. No idea you talk

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Speaker 2: about repetitive, I don't know what we're talking about. So

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Speaker 2: let me let me can I ask you a few questions?

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Speaker 3: No problem thinking?

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Speaker 2: Okay, is the relationship over?

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, Well, I feel it is over because

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Speaker 3: so much time has passed, you know, and it's yeah,

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Speaker 3: that's not a lot of time. Well, in a state

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Speaker 3: of crisis. You know, I'm experiencing a severe crisis with

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Speaker 3: housing as of right now. And I was placed further

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Speaker 3: in crisis with housing removing myself from the dwelling that

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Speaker 3: we shared in which I have bills from that household,

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Speaker 3: and I am battling a work related injury that has

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Speaker 3: any segment and he knows of this, but I feel

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Speaker 3: it's more like power and control that he's trying to

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Speaker 3: have over me, which which makes me feel like that's

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Speaker 3: wrong to re enter, you know, regardless of my state

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Speaker 3: of desperation or housing crisis. I just I know and

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Speaker 3: feel better that you know. I'm a self sufficient woman

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Speaker 3: and I'm used to maintaining my lifestyle. But since it's injury,

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Speaker 3: you know, it placed me and then furious crisis where

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Speaker 3: I can't jump back into my normoucy the way that

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Speaker 3: I used to, and I think he's playing all my

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Speaker 3: heart strength with this.

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Speaker 2: Okay? Is the relationship over? I'm asking that question again.

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Speaker 2: Is your relationship with Batman over? Is it over? I

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Speaker 2: don't care how you got there? Is it over in

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Speaker 2: your mind? In your heart? Is the relationship done?

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Speaker 3: In my mind and in my heart, I do believe

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Speaker 3: it is over because I don't trust.

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Speaker 2: I don't enough. Period. It is over. Period because once

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Speaker 2: you start telling yourself that story, then you're going to

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Speaker 2: start spinning. Yeah, the relationship is over. There's not enough money,

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Speaker 2: not enough. What's your favorite food?

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Speaker 4: Oh?

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Speaker 3: My favorite turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grit. Okay, that

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Speaker 3: is my favorite meal.

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Speaker 2: There's not enough turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grits on

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Speaker 2: the planet to make me go back into that relationship.

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Speaker 2: It's just not I'm done. Have you said that I'm done?

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Speaker 3: You know I've said that before. But that's the only

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Speaker 3: person that I was intimate with, So that makes me.

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Speaker 2: You know what, learn how to masturbate, be intimate with yourself.

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Speaker 2: How about that? I'm hearing you speak, and this is

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Speaker 2: what you do. You you step into a decision and

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Speaker 2: then you spin yourself out of it by saying why

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Speaker 2: and how and mood? You know what, he created some

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Speaker 2: bills without your name. Done. I'll figure out me and

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Speaker 2: God will figure out how to get this paid. Is

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Speaker 2: not enough grits, eggs and turkey bacon to send me

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Speaker 2: back in there. I don't have no conversation for you. You

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Speaker 2: got my money, you got my money. You don't have

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Speaker 2: my money.

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Speaker 3: Buy Yes, I love you so much.

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Speaker 2: See because I.

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Speaker 3: Said it, feel it.

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Speaker 2: You said it. This is a power over power under relationship. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And if you look back at the relationship, you will

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Speaker 2: see how it was power over. Either he had the

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Speaker 2: power over you, or he used what he had to

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Speaker 2: have power over you, or you had the power over him,

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Speaker 2: and he used it, and you'll played this game back

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Speaker 2: and forth. Power over power under. Now he's got power

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Speaker 2: over you. Because you're worried about your credit rating or

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Speaker 2: your job or whatever.

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Speaker 4: What.

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Speaker 2: Listen, you can as long as you live, you're gonna

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Speaker 2: owe somebody some money. I don't care who it is.

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Speaker 2: You're gonna owe a light bill, a gas bill of

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Speaker 2: or to build a card note. You're gonna owe somebody

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Speaker 2: some money. So don't be freaked out because there's bills

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Speaker 2: that you owe. And if there's nothing you can do

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Speaker 2: legally to prove that you did not create these bills,

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Speaker 2: then you're gonna have to pay them. Yeah, okay, I

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Speaker 2: have to pay them. If it's fifty cents a week,

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Speaker 2: you know, twenty dollars a month, call the people, make

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Speaker 2: arrangements like a woman with her big girl panties on. Listen.

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Speaker 2: These things were created by my partner. I didn't know

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Speaker 2: about them. They're in my name. I'm willing to pay you,

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Speaker 2: but this is what I can pay. Do you want it?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 2: Okay, assue me. That's it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, oh that's so true.

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Speaker 2: If you keep using the power under, if you try

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Speaker 2: to negotiate from the power under position, You're never gonna

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Speaker 2: get ahead. You gotta make him your ex and deal

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Speaker 2: with him like he's not in your line life. Why

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Speaker 2: are you talking to him? Why are you talking to him? Oh,

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Speaker 2: this man who violated your trust, why are you talking

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Speaker 2: to him.

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Speaker 3: I've done drastic things, like I've called blocked his number.

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Speaker 3: He's you know, changed his number and caused me from

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Speaker 3: different text up numbers and things, and then he'll message

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Speaker 3: me on social media things to unblock his number. So

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Speaker 3: you know, it's it's a repetitantion number.

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Speaker 2: Change your eye number.

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Speaker 3: And I've done that also. I've done that also. So

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Speaker 3: I just feel like I keep doing the same thing.

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Speaker 3: But I have the power to end it and stop it,

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Speaker 3: and I'm going to use that power. And I appreciate

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Speaker 3: you for reminding me of that power, because you know,

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Speaker 3: in the situation, in the circumstance, I feel weakened, needing

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Speaker 3: help and assistance and support, but I never receive it.

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Speaker 3: So I get it now. I'm awakened. I am awakened

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Speaker 3: to the fact that I am the only one that

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Speaker 3: can stop this repetitant and create more distance.

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Speaker 2: You can complete it. You see, when you shift. He'll

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Speaker 2: shift because you know the ace in the hole, you know,

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Speaker 2: the big club in your back pocket is you can

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Speaker 2: get a restraint in order and he won't be able

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Speaker 2: to contact you physically, electronically, no kind of way. Less

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Speaker 2: he want to sitiz behind in jail. But if you're

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Speaker 2: not finished with him, then if you're not finished with him,

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Speaker 2: then there's no way that you will take the necessary

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Speaker 2: steps to take care of yourself. You got a housing crisis.

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Speaker 2: Did he own houses? Can he help you in the

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Speaker 2: housing crisis?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: He can.

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Speaker 3: Well, he says that he would purchase to relocate us

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Speaker 3: if we are together.

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Speaker 2: I don't care what he says. He's a liar, he's

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Speaker 2: a liar. He's a liar. He's a liar.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean happened. And it's like, I'm weakened

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Speaker 3: by the fact that my birthday is in less than

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Speaker 3: two weeks, so I'm over anxious about resolving things, and

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Speaker 3: then you know my upcoming birthday, so it's just a

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Speaker 3: bunch of emotional conflicts.

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Speaker 2: What does your birthday have to do with it? What

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Speaker 2: does your birthday have to do with the fact that

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Speaker 2: somebody violated you, that someone took your name and misappropriated it.

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Speaker 2: With all the work that you've done in your life,

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Speaker 2: what does your birthday have to do with that? Help me?

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Speaker 2: I'm missing something.

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Speaker 3: I'm missing Well, the only male figure that I really

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Speaker 3: look up to is my grandfather and we share the

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Speaker 3: same birthday. He just passed away last month, so I

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Speaker 3: am still in my feelings you know, about his passing,

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Speaker 3: and was trying to celebrate my birthday with him before

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Speaker 3: the passing. But you know, the crisis that I'm in,

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Speaker 3: it's just making me think about how much I don't have,

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Speaker 3: how much I lost, and how much you know. I

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Speaker 3: am trying to quickly get back into my comfort feed

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Speaker 3: of things, but he's contacting me saying, I will you know,

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Speaker 3: I know all of this, I know everything, and I

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Speaker 3: can fix it. I will help it, and you know,

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Speaker 3: it makes me think that there is a way. But

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Speaker 3: I see that what has what happened, what I experience,

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Speaker 3: there's no repair to that. I have to take that

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Speaker 3: lesson and experience and move past that and not be

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Speaker 3: retriggered or reminded or put in the same circumstance again.

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Speaker 3: So I have to make sure that I eliminated. That's

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Speaker 3: the only thing I can do. He's calling me at

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Speaker 3: this moment.

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Speaker 2: Oh, put him on the phone, belove it. What is

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Speaker 2: your prayer?

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Speaker 3: My prayer is for peace, safety, and comfort on a

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Speaker 3: consistent basis.

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Speaker 2: M Comfort. Now, you may want to expand that a

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Speaker 2: little bit because you're comfortable where you are right now.

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Speaker 2: You're comfortable with the drama and the crisis of trying

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Speaker 2: to negotiate with this power over power under relay reationship,

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Speaker 2: trying to prove that you're right about how wrong he is.

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Speaker 2: You're comfortable in that, well you are, That's why you're

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Speaker 2: still doing it.

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Speaker 3: Well. I mentioned that that prayer as you know, my

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Speaker 3: release or escape to get into the things that I

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Speaker 3: am really interested in. I have three companies, but because

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Speaker 3: of this housing crisis, I feel as if I'm unable

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Speaker 3: to you know, launch or really prepare my businesses for

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Speaker 3: launch with having all my things all over the place.

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Speaker 3: So when I saw your post about the bags in

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Speaker 3: the suitcases and I'm like, oh, that is me, You're

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Speaker 3: calling out to me, I'm like, oh, my goodness, that's

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Speaker 3: exactly how I felt when I seen it. I said,

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Speaker 3: you know what, I have to organize. I have to

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Speaker 3: give back.

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Speaker 2: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

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Speaker 2: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.

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Speaker 2: Part of your challenges. You have too many stories running

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Speaker 2: in your mind. That's part of it. Your birthday, your

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Speaker 2: grandfather died, your crisis the birthday. But could you focus

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Speaker 2: on one thing at a time. What is your priority

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Speaker 2: right now?

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Speaker 3: Peaceful comfortable housing? That is my priority, my goal.

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Speaker 2: Okay, what is it with you and the comfort? What's

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Speaker 2: your comfort? What's this thing with the comfort? I don't

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Speaker 2: understand because I'm telling you you are comfortable where you

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Speaker 2: are right now, peaceful, safe, affordable. Forget the comfort because

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Speaker 2: I think your comfort is drama. But I could be wrong. Well,

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Speaker 2: So if your priority is is adequate, peaceful, affordable housing,

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Speaker 2: make that your prayer period, that's where you focus.

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Speaker 3: I will do that. I will.

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Speaker 2: That's your prayer. And he's not the answer to your prayer.

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Speaker 2: He really isn't, because if he was, it wouldn't have

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Speaker 2: taken you four months to get the answer.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Oh my, oh you know.

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Speaker 2: What he wants something in return.

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Speaker 3: That's why you are my other money. You are. I

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Speaker 3: appreciate you so much.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, your prayer is you know whoever you pray to,

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Speaker 2: precious Lord, Divine Mother, blessed Father, Holy Spirit, Guardian angels, ancestors,

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Speaker 2: whoever that's your grandfather, to help you get a prayer,

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Speaker 2: get an adequate, affordable, safe, peaceful house. Yeah he's an

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Speaker 2: ancestor now, Yeah he can help you. Yeah you are,

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Speaker 2: but boo boo to fool length will help you. Otherwise

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Speaker 2: he would have done it by Now.

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Speaker 3: You are so right and so true.

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Speaker 2: And I don't I don't say that to be disrespectful

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Speaker 2: to him. I don't know him. He's probably a lovely person,

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Speaker 2: but he's playing the fool in your life. And I'm

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Speaker 2: talking to you.

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Speaker 3: So, yeah, you're absolutely correct.

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Speaker 2: See hear this. As long as you have an outstanding

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Speaker 2: bill in your mind with his name on it, the

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Speaker 2: door he comes through into your life will remain open.

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Speaker 2: You're still in a relationship with him because that door

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Speaker 2: is still open because you want him to pay the

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Speaker 2: bill that he created.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well not anymore.

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Speaker 2: And as long as you hold him responsible for any

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Speaker 2: aspect of your life at all, that door's going to

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Speaker 2: stay open, and he won't be an.

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Speaker 3: Ex But wouldn't that be a little extreme of me

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Speaker 3: to you know, apply or to obtain a ppo or

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Speaker 3: restraining order or anything like that. Is that extreme or

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Speaker 3: is that just sealing the nail on the coffin like

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Speaker 3: it's completely filled and done. I just don't want to

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Speaker 3: entice anything.

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Speaker 2: Well, answer that question, I don't.

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Speaker 3: Want any flack or any like retaliation you.

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Speaker 2: Know from who? Well, who's who's going to retaliate? Well,

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Speaker 2: are you afraid of him?

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Speaker 3: Well? I just feel as if if I apply, and

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Speaker 3: whether I obtain it or not, he will get notified

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Speaker 3: and then he'll be upset that I applied. I know

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Speaker 3: I'm caring too much about his feelings.

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Speaker 2: And what does his upset have to do with you?

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Speaker 3: I don't know his what his reactions are. We were

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Speaker 3: in a physical artercation.

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Speaker 2: So how long were you all together?

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Speaker 3: About a year?

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Speaker 2: About a year? And you don't know what his reactions

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Speaker 2: are in that year?

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Speaker 3: Well, I know that there were simple miscommunications and he

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Speaker 3: was more physical than verbal. So you know I don't

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Speaker 3: want to repeat that ever.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's why you need a restrain in order. But

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Speaker 2: you don't have to go that way. You are a woman.

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Speaker 2: You are connected to the most powerful force on the earth.

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Speaker 2: As a woman, you plant your feet on solid ground

305
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Speaker 2: and say this fool gonna leave me alone, and this

306
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Speaker 2: is how I'm going to create that. I'm not taking

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Speaker 2: his calls, and if I pick up the phone and

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Speaker 2: he's on it, I'm hanging up and I'm not going

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Speaker 2: to respond to him on social media. I'm done. I

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Speaker 2: am complete. And until you can say that, you're just

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Speaker 2: going to be in and out of this thing because

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Speaker 2: you got a lot of stories spinning around in your head. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, I have a saying that I say sometimes

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Speaker 2: to people when they think they're going to bully me,

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Speaker 2: or when I allow myself to be bullied, because see,

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Speaker 2: I take responsibility for every single thing that's going on

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Speaker 2: in my life. Nobody can treat me bad. I'm not

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Speaker 2: paying close enough attention to see what they're doing, and

319
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Speaker 2: I end up being treated badly. That's not on them,

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Speaker 2: that's on me. You know, If a bird poops on

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Speaker 2: your head one time, that's you know, that's just an accident.

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Speaker 2: If a bird poops on your head two times, oh,

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Speaker 2: you need to pay attention. By the time the bird

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Speaker 2: poops on your head three times, you need to move

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Speaker 2: or get a hat.

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Speaker 3: Okay, And that's perfect.

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Speaker 2: Take total responsibility for what's going on in your life.

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Speaker 2: See the first time he put his hands on you,

329
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Speaker 2: you should have left, but you didn't. Okay, no heat,

330
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Speaker 2: no judgment. You weren't sure. Maybe he was having a

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Speaker 2: moment the second time he did it. Oh wait a minute,

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Speaker 2: hold up, I think I'm in a relationship with a

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Speaker 2: physical abuser. So now that you ain't even in the

334
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,560
Speaker 2: same house, in the same relationship, why are you still

335
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,840
Speaker 2: concerned about him putting his hands on you?

336
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Speaker 3: Yeah? Why? Oh my.

337
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 2: My saying that I say to people sometimes is oh,

338
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Speaker 2: you feel like a frog, leap, I got something for you.

339
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:42,000
Speaker 2: Go ahead, leap, you feel froggish, leap, I got something

340
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Speaker 2: for you.

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Speaker 3: Oh I love it so much. Thank you.

342
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Speaker 2: And if you're not willing to take that kind of

343
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Speaker 2: stand for yourself, if you're not willing to pray your

344
00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,480
Speaker 2: need in the moment without any concern or consideration, if

345
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:04,199
Speaker 2: you're not willing to write that debt off because you

346
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,639
Speaker 2: stayed in a relationship with a man who put his

347
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,760
Speaker 2: hands on you. If he would put his hands on you,

348
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,879
Speaker 2: you should have known he didn't respect you enough to

349
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Speaker 2: honor your name. Yeah, that he would create bills in

350
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Speaker 2: your name. Okay, Oops, I wasn't paying attention. Let me

351
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Speaker 2: move on. I got it.

352
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm waking now.

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Speaker 2: They focus on your prayer. You better wake up. Throw

354
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Speaker 2: some cold water in your own face until you do that.

355
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Speaker 2: He's not your ex He's an anchor, holding you in

356
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 2: the same place. Oh, he's got you just where he

357
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:43,359
Speaker 2: wants you.

358
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Speaker 3: Oh no, I don't want that.

359
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,920
Speaker 2: Well that's what you got.

360
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Speaker 3: Well I definitely has to do something about that. Yeah,

361
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 3: that ends today.

362
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Speaker 2: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back

363
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 2: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.

364
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:07,439
Speaker 2: He's holding you in the same place.

365
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:12,399
Speaker 3: That is over. It is completely over. You know. I

366
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,959
Speaker 3: just I really needed to hear your voice.

367
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 2: Here's your mantra. You know what a mantra is. It's

368
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,200
Speaker 2: a word that you say over and over and over. Yeah, yeah,

369
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:26,080
Speaker 2: you know what yours is? What's your you want to

370
00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 2: know or do you have one?

371
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 3: I want to know.

372
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:39,840
Speaker 2: Done period, not comma, not done if done, when done,

373
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Speaker 2: because done period, done done with you?

374
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Speaker 3: Okay, that will be totally no. But I have to

375
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,480
Speaker 3: stand firm in that to do that, because sometimes I

376
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 3: feel as if people need a second chance or you know,

377
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:01,720
Speaker 3: a redemption or anything like that. So I strengthening myself

378
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:07,359
Speaker 3: to just know that not always appropriate. I am understanding

379
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:07,960
Speaker 3: this now.

380
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,680
Speaker 2: How many times did he put his hands on you?

381
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 4: To many accounts, Okay, he.

382
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:21,920
Speaker 2: Got his second chance, third, fourth, fifth, six. And while

383
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,840
Speaker 2: it may not be physical right now, he's still abusing you,

384
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 2: and you're participating. You are a voluntary participant in your

385
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 2: own suffering. How about that?

386
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Speaker 3: Oh sounds embarrassing.

387
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 2: I lived for nine years in an abusive marriage. You

388
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 2: know when it stopped? When when I left, he was

389
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 2: gonna have to beat his own self because I wasn't there.

390
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,160
Speaker 3: It just stopped completely.

391
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Speaker 2: I left. Who was he gonna beat He wasn't gonna

392
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,360
Speaker 2: beat me. I wasn't there, me and my three babies

393
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 2: and three bags of clothes. I left the coffee pot,

394
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 2: the washing machine, the vacuum cleaner. I left my sheets,

395
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,880
Speaker 2: my towels, and my pots. I left most of my drawers,

396
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 2: my bras, my earrings. I have my three babies and

397
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 2: three bags of clothes, and I left. That's when he

398
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:25,200
Speaker 2: stopped beating me. Oh my, I was willing to sleep

399
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,840
Speaker 2: in the park with the squirrels rather than go back

400
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 2: to that. That's where you got to get to. Yeah, yeah,

401
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,680
Speaker 2: if you want to X he's not your acts. You're

402
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 2: still in relationship with it, well.

403
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 3: Not anymore, not anymore. It's been over four.

404
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 4: Months, so ill that's what you say.

405
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,200
Speaker 3: I'm done. Oh yay, I am done.

406
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 2: Period. Put a period there now.

407
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,879
Speaker 3: Period not a comment is true. That is true and correct.

408
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 3: I am done, Carrie. I feel so good to say

409
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:11,960
Speaker 3: out loud and feeling it, knowing that he's called me,

410
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,440
Speaker 3: and I don't have the anxiety to return the call

411
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,919
Speaker 3: or anything like that. So yeah, I am done, and

412
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 3: I feel good about it. I don't have a million

413
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,920
Speaker 3: text messages popping up on my phone. I am done, period.

414
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 2: Can't you block those?

415
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,639
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, but I filled up all of my phone

416
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,160
Speaker 3: storage space, so now my phone is saying it's running

417
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 3: out of storage.

418
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:36,640
Speaker 2: That's why you can't block him, because you're running out

419
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,440
Speaker 2: of storage.

420
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,400
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, I've blocked so many numbers. I can

421
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,040
Speaker 3: go back and delete those previous block numbers, but then

422
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,120
Speaker 3: you'll have access to contact me from those block numbers.

423
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,120
Speaker 3: Like it's it's really crazy. It's ridiculous.

424
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:50,359
Speaker 4: You know.

425
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 3: I am almost to the point where I will change

426
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 3: my number, but I've connected this number to so many

427
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 3: different accounts so that I won't get locked out of

428
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,160
Speaker 3: my account some things, and I have to go over

429
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 3: that process again and it's exhausting. But you know, I

430
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,120
Speaker 3: feel as if i'm pretty much.

431
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 2: See what you just did. I want to point out

432
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:14,000
Speaker 2: to you what you just did. You made a decision

433
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,439
Speaker 2: and then you talked yourself out of it. I just

434
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,919
Speaker 2: listened to you do I could change my number, but

435
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,680
Speaker 2: then i'd have to bl and you just talked to

436
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,159
Speaker 2: yourself right out of the decision. Oh my, put your

437
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,119
Speaker 2: big girl panties one, put on a nice pair of

438
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 2: sexy high heels, plant your feet firmly on the earth,

439
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 2: and declare to the universe, to God, to source creator,

440
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,920
Speaker 2: the angels, declare what you're about to do.

441
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, because.

442
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 2: Until you declare it and own it, you won't embody it.

443
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,720
Speaker 2: And you could be doing this for another two years

444
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:00,640
Speaker 2: or three.

445
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, I have to pick it out of that mindset.

446
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 3: I don't know why I keep doing that.

447
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 4: Ugh.

448
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:12,840
Speaker 3: Okay. I am going to get firm and direct about

449
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:16,160
Speaker 3: my decisions from here on out. But I am done

450
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:17,639
Speaker 3: with that situation.

451
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,399
Speaker 2: All right. Well, then let's see how you live that out.

452
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 2: That means you don't take not one call. That means

453
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 2: you don't respond to not one text. You don't even

454
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,080
Speaker 2: have to read the text.

455
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, you are absolutely correct.

456
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 2: You don't have to do any of that.

457
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,320
Speaker 3: You are absolutely correct.

458
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,760
Speaker 2: Power over power under I'm done, I'm done, And you

459
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 2: don't owe him an explanation, and you don't have to

460
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,920
Speaker 2: give him a story. You don't have to do any

461
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 2: of that. And if he comes threatening you, nine one one,

462
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 2: this is your full one one call. Now you have

463
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,840
Speaker 2: the information. Yeah, and if it gets ugly, nine to

464
00:27:58,840 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 2: one one is the next.

465
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes, you are so correct. Thank you so much.

466
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 3: I don't know why I overthink.

467
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 2: I don't know either, but it's not working well for you.

468
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 4: Right.

469
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,680
Speaker 2: Let me just say this to you, beloved, when it's

470
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,159
Speaker 2: all said and done, when it's all said and done,

471
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 2: he's just another human being. And as a human being,

472
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 2: you and he are equal.

473
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:32,360
Speaker 3: Yeah.

474
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 2: He has no more power than you, he has no

475
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 2: more brain than you, and he has no more God

476
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:44,720
Speaker 2: than you. You and God can handle us. Yeah, you

477
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 2: and God and your grandpa.

478
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, that is so true. But you know, I

479
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 3: want to know about this one situation about I heard

480
00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:02,840
Speaker 3: something someone speak on you know, ancestors, elders, ashes and

481
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,320
Speaker 3: things of that nature, as if you have to let

482
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 3: go of that, and so they were staying in a

483
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 3: way that that could be demonic to pray to an

484
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 3: ancestor or an elder or to you know, have and

485
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 3: to have an earn of ashes of a relative. Is

486
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,200
Speaker 3: that true?

487
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 2: Well? Is it true for you?

488
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,560
Speaker 3: I don't feel it's true.

489
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,480
Speaker 2: Okay, So then what you care. There's a lot of

490
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 2: people saying a lot of things. There are people saying

491
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 2: that January sixth was a peaceful protest.

492
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,920
Speaker 3: That ain't true for me, right, I wouldn't agree to

493
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:39,360
Speaker 3: that either.

494
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 2: If it's true for you, it's true, and if it's not,

495
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:45,440
Speaker 2: it's not.

496
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, hey, I go connected to my

497
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 3: grandmother and my grandfather in which I do have an

498
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 3: earn if their ashes still and I do talk to

499
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 3: that earn.

500
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,920
Speaker 2: I tell you what, you don't have block they number

501
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:09,360
Speaker 2: out your phone. You worrying about them being demontic, You

502
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 2: better look at the humans.

503
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 5: So true, I do appreciate this conversation. I mean, I

504
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 5: feel so lighter and just happier, where I'm able to

505
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 5: smile and laugh, and that's something that I wasn't able

506
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 5: to do before. But I do appreciate this so much.

507
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 2: Stay focused on your prayer, Okay, beloved.

508
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 3: We'll do definitely okay, and let.

509
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 2: Me know how you make out going forward.

510
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 3: All right, Yes I will.

511
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 5: I've been trying to reach you for so long, but I'm.

512
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 3: So grateful that today is today. Today is today. I'm

513
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 3: so happy. I wish you all the best.

514
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 2: Thank you, my loving I wish you the best, Thank you,

515
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 2: bye bye. Oh my goodness. The stories we tell ourselves.

516
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 2: And if you are a least bit curious about why

517
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:21,959
Speaker 2: your ex isn't your ex, or why your relationship is

518
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,640
Speaker 2: the way it is with your ex, I want you

519
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 2: to just think about what you're learning about yourself. What

520
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:36,040
Speaker 2: are you thinking, what are you feeling, What are you

521
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 2: holding or harboring that keeps you connected to or disconnected

522
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:46,680
Speaker 2: from your ex. In the end, your ex is just

523
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 2: another human being, subject to insanity at any moment, and

524
00:31:53,720 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 2: capable of the most magnificent, elegant, graceful love you could

525
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 2: ever imagine. You have to look at your experience. You

526
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:09,720
Speaker 2: must be open and willing to look at your self

527
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 2: rather than focusing on what your ex is doing or

528
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 2: what your ex is saying, look at the relationship the

529
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 2: way it is now, even as an ex, and describe it,

530
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 2: and then, however you describe it, break those words down

531
00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:29,800
Speaker 2: and look for what is the benefit that I'm getting

532
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:35,480
Speaker 2: as a result of this characterization and what is the

533
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 2: suffering that I'm participating in as a result of this characterization.

534
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 2: I don't care what it is your ex, whether it's

535
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 2: your husband, your children's father, parent, or lover, whatever, you

536
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 2: are the common denominator.

537
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 6: Your ex.

538
00:32:56,840 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 2: Make sure your ex is an ex, is not a y?

539
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 2: Why this? Why that? Why didn't? Why couldn't Why why

540
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:11,480
Speaker 2: make your X an X? Let it go? Autopsy the

541
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 2: relationship when it's over. You know what did you learn?

542
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 2: What did you see? What did you realize? What was

543
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:26,479
Speaker 2: the breakdown? How did you respond to the breakdown? But

544
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 2: most of all, beloveds, get clear about what it is

545
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:36,400
Speaker 2: that you are requesting, requiring, demanding now from yourself and

546
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:40,160
Speaker 2: from your ex. And if it's not for your highest

547
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,400
Speaker 2: and greatest good, if it's not for peace, if it's

548
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:47,200
Speaker 2: not for joy, if it's not for love, then let

549
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 2: it go. You simply have to let it go. Done complete,

550
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 2: I'm making a new choice. Get current and make sure

551
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 2: you're not whole. Onto your ex because they filled a

552
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,840
Speaker 2: need that you no longer have. That need is gone.

553
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:13,879
Speaker 2: What do you need want? Choose desire today, get clear

554
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:19,359
Speaker 2: about that, stay present in that, and don't be afraid

555
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 2: to let your ex go all the way all the

556
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,879
Speaker 2: way for a time. It may be six months, nine months,

557
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,640
Speaker 2: maybe a year, two years, three years, Well you just

558
00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:35,360
Speaker 2: have no contact, even if there are children involved. Support

559
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,600
Speaker 2: money can come through the mail or the court. But

560
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 2: if you keep losing your footing trying to navigate your

561
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 2: relationship with your ex, and may be good to come

562
00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:57,879
Speaker 2: to completion by simply saying done, I'm done. If you're

563
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 2: having a hard time, check in with yourself or topsy

564
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:12,920
Speaker 2: yourself and the relationship to make sure that you are complete.

565
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 2: And if you're not complete, If you're not complete, if

566
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,840
Speaker 2: you still got that dish in the sink and the

567
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:24,440
Speaker 2: pots are still on the stove, ask yourself, what reward

568
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,919
Speaker 2: or benefit am I getting by holding on to this?

569
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 2: Because we don't do anything anything unless there's a benefit,

570
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 2: even if we're not clear about what that is. Ooh,

571
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 2: our relationship with our ex, it's really your relationship with

572
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 2: yourself and what you believe you deserve and who you

573
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:54,760
Speaker 2: believe you are well. That's it for the R Spot today.

574
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,480
Speaker 2: I surely hope you heard something that you can use

575
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,480
Speaker 2: embody and act devate in your life today to make

576
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 2: your relationships better. I want to see you next time,

577
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:11,120
Speaker 2: and in the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces.

578
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 6: Bye.

579
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,360
Speaker 2: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in

580
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 2: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit

581
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:41,480
Speaker 2: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

582
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:42,760
Speaker 2: your favorite show.