Speaker 1: So I met bad mom's volleyball. I went to my
Speaker 1: daughter's volleyball tournament, where was in Hempstead, and I walked
Speaker 1: in and I thought that I was proactive because I
Speaker 1: brought a chair that I had bought for the lacrosse games.
Speaker 1: I thought I invented and discovered America by going online
Speaker 1: and buying a chair for lacrosse games, thinking like, I
Speaker 1: might be outside and I'm watching, and last time I
Speaker 1: was I was sitting on the ground. So let me
Speaker 1: get this chair. And I felt like I was so
Speaker 1: amazingly prepared. It's a cross body chair. I was so excited.
Speaker 1: So Britain told me that this particular that the tournaments
Speaker 1: have seats. So I thought they have seats. I was excited,
Speaker 1: but at the last minute she said they don't. They're
Speaker 1: not going to have seats. So I brought my chair,
Speaker 1: which is like it's a cross body, almost like a
Speaker 1: beach chair. It's like it's flat, it's almost like a
Speaker 1: thin mat that touches the ground, and then it has
Speaker 1: a little back and somehow it folds up and somehow
Speaker 1: it stays up like a chair and you're on the ground.
Speaker 1: And so I got to the La Cross game, and
Speaker 1: I'm not exaggerating. I'm not an exaggerator.
Speaker 2: By the way. I'll let you know, I'm a very
Speaker 2: literal person.
Speaker 1: When I tell you something, I may speak with emphasis
Speaker 1: and it sounds like hyperbole, but it's only hyperbole and
Speaker 1: intonation of my speech. It's not actual hyperbole. I do
Speaker 1: not exaggerate. I just say I'm very literal with everything,
Speaker 1: and I take things literally. So if something says something,
Speaker 1: if somebody says something to me, I believe it literally,
Speaker 1: and I expect them to do something literally if they
Speaker 1: tell me they're going to or not too if they don't.
Speaker 1: So I'm literally telling you that these tournaments, if you've
Speaker 1: been to them, you know, there could probably be five hundred.
Speaker 1: I don't know seven hundred. Could there be a thousand
Speaker 1: people in the stadium or the thing. I don't think so,
Speaker 1: but like hundreds of people. So I walk in to
Speaker 1: the Hempstead Hofstra University multiple volleyball court gym, and everybody
Speaker 1: has the same chair. Everybody has the same chair. Everybody
Speaker 1: has this chair that looks like an armchair, like a
Speaker 1: club chair, but of like folding chair black material. There
Speaker 1: might be there are a couple of like colors of it,
Speaker 1: you know, like maybe there's like a blue or red
Speaker 1: or something, but like by and large, ninety percent of
Speaker 1: the one hundred percent of chairs are black and they
Speaker 1: sometimes have two little cup holders. And these women it's
Speaker 1: mostly women, but the husbands are there too, but it's
Speaker 1: the women that are holding down the fort. The husbands
Speaker 1: are like just passengers. These women are grown middle aged
Speaker 1: woman boy scouts. There's not a fucking snack. They don't
Speaker 1: have a wipe, a water, a treat, a garment, a
Speaker 1: nap get like, it's just like a glass is probably lotion,
Speaker 1: Like they probably have a sewing kit.
Speaker 2: That was Hyperabiley. They probably, but I.
Speaker 1: Don't know that it was. I don't know that. They
Speaker 1: don't have deodorant in there. I don't know that they
Speaker 1: don't have like a mass and Gill Douche in there.
Speaker 1: I don't know that, but I don't that was Hyperboley too.
Speaker 1: But like all these women are in these chairs. Now,
Speaker 1: my chair is turquoise. It is a cross body person.
Speaker 1: It's on the floor. So I walk in and like
Speaker 1: they're always early and that's annoying, Like, respectfully, I don't
Speaker 1: need to be at this tournament. From nine to seven
Speaker 1: o'clock at night. One goes till nine o'clock at late
Speaker 1: at night. Like my best one of my closest friends
Speaker 1: has four daughters, and she said, you can excel at sports.
Speaker 1: There's only so farthest thing is probably going to go
Speaker 1: because I'm not fucking going to tournaments. Now. None of
Speaker 1: her kids, she's a Jewish woman from Jersey. Most of
Speaker 1: her kids are not you know, six foot three professional
Speaker 1: basketball players. Respectfully, they're smart, they're athletic, but like, listen,
Speaker 1: none of them are major athletes. I don't think any
Speaker 1: of her four girls are playing football for the NFL,
Speaker 1: so you know, and but so, but she just didn't
Speaker 1: want to go. So I try to make these rules
Speaker 1: for myself, like I won't go to every single away
Speaker 1: tournament for these volleyball leagues. Like I love you so much,
Speaker 1: I'm not like every single weekend going to a volleyball tournament.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's just not And I remember as a kid,
Speaker 1: I begged my mother. I wanted her to be like
Speaker 1: the PTA mom and go to a bake sale never
Speaker 1: one time. So I probably go into twenty games overall,
Speaker 1: and I've gone to maybe one or two tournaments. She's
Speaker 1: only done the club thing two seasons, so and one
Speaker 1: my mother died. I didn't get to go to the
Speaker 1: Philadelphia one where you go and you get a hotel
Speaker 1: and I was gonna get a nice hotel and it's gonna
Speaker 1: be three thousand dollars, Like what the fuck? So people
Speaker 1: stay in the same hotel as the kids and the
Speaker 1: club dinners, and.
Speaker 2: It's just like it's it's a lot. Okay, it's a lot.
Speaker 1: And I know someone who said they think club sports
Speaker 1: are tearing families apart because one mom's here, the dad's there.
Speaker 1: They're all over the place octopus fucking org charts and
Speaker 1: people from NASA trying to analyze where everyon's supposed to
Speaker 1: be and all the equipment. And I was not born
Speaker 1: for the slave. I was not born for three boys
Speaker 1: and hockey sticks and smelly jockstraps in my house. Like
Speaker 1: thank God, my little daughter is a little princess who
Speaker 1: used packing cubes and proactively books a tutor and knows
Speaker 1: that she wants to go to school at University of
Speaker 1: Miami in ninth grade, like God met me where I
Speaker 1: am at And also she's my daughter, So there you go.
Speaker 1: So the husbands are there puffer vest University? When I
Speaker 1: tell you thirty two percent of the husbands of the
Speaker 1: volleyball bad moms have puffer vests. And if they don't
Speaker 1: have puffer vest, if some version of a vest, okay,
Speaker 1: just whatever that means to you.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: But these bitches have everything. Okay, they have drinks, they
Speaker 1: have goldfish. They come, they get excited. They talk about
Speaker 1: the different coffee they make, coffe they love the dialogue
Speaker 1: is they made like a going for coffee?
Speaker 2: Is any want coffee? What do you want? What do
Speaker 2: you want? No, You'll get me.
Speaker 1: A Venmo big Venmo is big with the fucking volleyball
Speaker 1: moms big with the bat Mom's volleyball Vemo Venmo.
Speaker 2: You just found me you I'll get it next time.
Speaker 2: You get it here.
Speaker 1: But they like the yent to gossip of it, like
Speaker 1: it's giving nails. And like that cigarette case that like
Speaker 1: this woman Pat Wilson who used to watch me and
Speaker 1: stat in Ozone Park queens like opening the cigarette case smoking,
Speaker 1: just talking about shit that doesn't matter, which is why
Speaker 1: I like it, because like these women will spend fifteen
Speaker 1: minutes on like the coffee, and I'll get the coffee
Speaker 1: two cremps, Dishy, what who eased to coffee like that?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? Know? They have a Vanella syrup
Speaker 1: and I'm going They're not going there. They're ice coffee
Speaker 1: is terrible, Like it's twenty it's fifteen to twenty minutes
Speaker 1: on the ice coffee. And then we're into like the
Speaker 1: Danish or the Ruggel, and then someone's bringing munchkins. Oh,
Speaker 1: and everybody's just shoveling in munchkins and everything you can
Speaker 1: possibly eat, and lunchtime comes and it's a whole discussion.
Speaker 1: And I actually offered someone chicken salad because I am
Speaker 1: a chicken salad influencer, as many of you may know,
Speaker 1: and I reviewed chicken salad and I went to a
Speaker 1: deli called Main Street Deli in Hempstead and bought their
Speaker 1: chicken salad to review it. It wasn't great, just you know,
Speaker 1: and they gave me like four pounds of it and
Speaker 1: it was annoying. And I came back and I took
Speaker 1: one bite and I said, you guys want some chicken salad.
Speaker 2: She's like, now I brought some. I'm like, wait, you
Speaker 2: brought chicken sala?
Speaker 1: Like why you have chicken salad like I just have it,
Speaker 1: because like I do it, like you just have chicken salad.
Speaker 1: I just saw five other things that you have, so
Speaker 1: they're just like there to live. And I walk in
Speaker 1: and I don't know how I started with the talking
Speaker 1: to his one, but I walked in and I was
Speaker 1: in barrased, like I.
Speaker 2: Was really the bad mom.
Speaker 1: And I walked in and I'm not going to I'm
Speaker 1: gonna never sugar coat. I'm gonna tell you what it
Speaker 1: really is.
Speaker 2: Now. I'm a great mom. I really really am. I
Speaker 2: don't have any issues with this.
Speaker 1: I do everything with my daughter, and I mean fucking
Speaker 1: since she was a little kid, it was Gingerbread University
Speaker 1: every year, and let's go to your make your own
Speaker 1: ice cream, let's do the place where we go to
Speaker 1: take your friends and make jeans, and let's go to
Speaker 1: the merry ground, and let's go to the bed, and
Speaker 1: let's go to the every it's a bubble thing, the
Speaker 1: children's music. I I was over compensating for growing up
Speaker 1: in a cocaine fueled gambling den, going to nightclubs at thirteen,
Speaker 1: and shooting craps when I was thirteen in Vegas.
Speaker 2: True story. So I was over compensating.
Speaker 1: But I'm a great mom, but because I'm lo a
Speaker 1: known personality, and these people are my people and they're fans.
Speaker 1: Like when I walk in, they're giving me a little extra, like, oh,
Speaker 1: this poor thing, she doesn't know anything. And these bad
Speaker 1: moms that are like Queen's moms, they're fans, of course
Speaker 1: they are. But I say one thing out a turn,
Speaker 1: They're gonna fucking hate my guts and they don't give.
Speaker 2: A shit and they really don't care.
Speaker 1: Like the guild is off the lily, the smell is
Speaker 1: off the new car two minutes in, do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like they met me at happened, We
Speaker 1: took a picture. They think I'm great, but like they'll
Speaker 1: tell all their friends it's great currency but like it's
Speaker 1: okay if I fuck around and like say the wrong
Speaker 1: thing during the game, like they'll kill me. They'll cut
Speaker 1: a bitch, do you know what I mean? And the
Speaker 1: one next to me says to me, I'm a screamer.
Speaker 1: I scream for my kid, I scream for your kid.
Speaker 1: I scream for every kid. I'm like, fuck, I go okay,
Speaker 1: I scream for every kid too. I don't scream for
Speaker 1: every kid I don't even know what the fuck they're doing.
Speaker 1: I don't know what they're playing. I don't know what
Speaker 1: time it is. If there weren't for that score, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't know.
Speaker 2: I like it.
Speaker 1: I think it's a wonderful game. My daughter's always looking
Speaker 1: over to see if I'm looking. She wants to see
Speaker 1: that I see everything that she does. It's so rewarding.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 1: So I walk in and I open my chair and
Speaker 1: like I can't get it, Like everybody's already set up.
Speaker 1: I always like to be It's like Housewives trips. I
Speaker 1: always show up late and I want to leave early.
Speaker 1: Like I'm always trying to figure out how to come
Speaker 1: up late and leave early. You know, Like if it
Speaker 1: starts at nine, I'm good like rolling in at like
Speaker 1: ten fifteen. If it ends at five, I'm good like
Speaker 1: leaving at four.
Speaker 2: I'm cool. I like, I check the box. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I come in and like, this is not It's
Speaker 1: one of those weird like domino chairs. It's folding one
Speaker 1: way the other way, but like how does that arm
Speaker 1: work in the back, And like I'm making a scene
Speaker 1: because everyone not everyone. I'm not a narcissist completely, but
Speaker 1: people know who I am. And I've also walked in
Speaker 1: late and like, I have a turquoise chair and it's
Speaker 1: a crossbody and it's like none of those other chairs,
Speaker 1: and I like first think I've got the key because
Speaker 1: I'm putting it up against these random bleacher but they're
Speaker 1: not seat bleachers. They're just like folded up some things again,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I got this, but I really don't
Speaker 1: got it. I don't feel right. My chair's not together,
Speaker 1: but I don't know how to like do it because
Speaker 1: it's just embarrassing. And now all these queens women are
Speaker 1: coming up to me and they're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: she needs help. So the one woman's like got her
Speaker 1: ass in the air and she's like, don't don't, please,
Speaker 1: don't fill my ass because I put them on my
Speaker 1: socials and I'm like, you're saving my ass. I'll save
Speaker 1: your ass, and so she puts my chair together, and
Speaker 1: then I'm sitting on the floor and like my turquoi.
Speaker 1: It's just like they're like, oh my god, and then
Speaker 1: I'm and I just by the end of the day,
Speaker 1: they all my fucking chair. One of them is in
Speaker 1: my chair. I'm like, you're jealous, You're jealous my fucking
Speaker 1: chair because I'm on the floor. You're sitting up like
Speaker 1: every other basic bad mom bitch, and I'm on the floor,
Speaker 1: like my back is up. I'm like so good and
Speaker 1: I can like lean back and like recline. So my
Speaker 1: chair fucking ruled. And then I went to the car
Speaker 1: and as one does, I have beauty in the car
Speaker 1: because I have all this shit that people send me
Speaker 1: and I always have gifts everywhere because gift giving is
Speaker 1: my love language. And I come back in and I
Speaker 1: give all these women individual gift bags. They think I've
Speaker 1: gone and bought it. I'm like I did, and I
Speaker 1: just had them in the car like what. So then
Speaker 1: they were excited and this will like make them happy forever.
Speaker 1: We took pictures. I had the best time, but just
Speaker 1: to say that, like these fucking volleyball moms are they're
Speaker 1: They're savage, and I'm gonna see them again this weekend.
Speaker 2: How about I'm excited. I love a fucking queen's mom.
Speaker 1: I've been to other ones where it's like sort of
Speaker 1: like waspy, prissy like moms and they want to like
Speaker 1: show me how much they don't care and they're not impressed.
Speaker 1: And all this shit, like these fucking queen's bitches. They're
Speaker 1: my people, ice coffee, you fucking chairs sucks. They have
Speaker 1: every piece of food. I just I live for them.
Speaker 1: They got to know what you got. I went out,
Speaker 1: I go where'd you go? You went to my instrumt oh,
Speaker 1: I know, mainStreet.
Speaker 2: Dell like full on.
Speaker 1: They want to tell you where everything is, what's good,
Speaker 1: what's not. Don't go there, go there. It's just insane
Speaker 1: and they're just gossiping all day about nothing, and they're
Speaker 1: very like exaggerated. And the volleyball mom, the volleyball bad
Speaker 1: mom uniform is a hoodie with a shirt underneath and
Speaker 1: leggings period period. So the husband's uniform is a puffer
Speaker 1: vest or a vest, and the woman's is leggings and
Speaker 1: some version of a hoodie or a fleece or some
Speaker 1: version of something like that over something else. That's what
Speaker 1: I got, That's what I got, That's what I learned.