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Speaker 1: So I met bad mom's volleyball. I went to my

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Speaker 1: daughter's volleyball tournament, where was in Hempstead, and I walked

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Speaker 1: in and I thought that I was proactive because I

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Speaker 1: brought a chair that I had bought for the lacrosse games.

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Speaker 1: I thought I invented and discovered America by going online

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Speaker 1: and buying a chair for lacrosse games, thinking like, I

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Speaker 1: might be outside and I'm watching, and last time I

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Speaker 1: was I was sitting on the ground. So let me

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Speaker 1: get this chair. And I felt like I was so

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Speaker 1: amazingly prepared. It's a cross body chair. I was so excited.

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Speaker 1: So Britain told me that this particular that the tournaments

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Speaker 1: have seats. So I thought they have seats. I was excited,

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Speaker 1: but at the last minute she said they don't. They're

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Speaker 1: not going to have seats. So I brought my chair,

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Speaker 1: which is like it's a cross body, almost like a

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Speaker 1: beach chair. It's like it's flat, it's almost like a

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Speaker 1: thin mat that touches the ground, and then it has

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Speaker 1: a little back and somehow it folds up and somehow

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Speaker 1: it stays up like a chair and you're on the ground.

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Speaker 1: And so I got to the La Cross game, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not exaggerating. I'm not an exaggerator.

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Speaker 2: By the way. I'll let you know, I'm a very

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Speaker 2: literal person.

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Speaker 1: When I tell you something, I may speak with emphasis

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Speaker 1: and it sounds like hyperbole, but it's only hyperbole and

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Speaker 1: intonation of my speech. It's not actual hyperbole. I do

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Speaker 1: not exaggerate. I just say I'm very literal with everything,

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Speaker 1: and I take things literally. So if something says something,

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Speaker 1: if somebody says something to me, I believe it literally,

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Speaker 1: and I expect them to do something literally if they

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Speaker 1: tell me they're going to or not too if they don't.

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Speaker 1: So I'm literally telling you that these tournaments, if you've

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Speaker 1: been to them, you know, there could probably be five hundred.

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Speaker 1: I don't know seven hundred. Could there be a thousand

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Speaker 1: people in the stadium or the thing. I don't think so,

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Speaker 1: but like hundreds of people. So I walk in to

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Speaker 1: the Hempstead Hofstra University multiple volleyball court gym, and everybody

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Speaker 1: has the same chair. Everybody has the same chair. Everybody

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Speaker 1: has this chair that looks like an armchair, like a

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Speaker 1: club chair, but of like folding chair black material. There

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Speaker 1: might be there are a couple of like colors of it,

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Speaker 1: you know, like maybe there's like a blue or red

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Speaker 1: or something, but like by and large, ninety percent of

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Speaker 1: the one hundred percent of chairs are black and they

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Speaker 1: sometimes have two little cup holders. And these women it's

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Speaker 1: mostly women, but the husbands are there too, but it's

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Speaker 1: the women that are holding down the fort. The husbands

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Speaker 1: are like just passengers. These women are grown middle aged

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Speaker 1: woman boy scouts. There's not a fucking snack. They don't

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Speaker 1: have a wipe, a water, a treat, a garment, a

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Speaker 1: nap get like, it's just like a glass is probably lotion,

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Speaker 1: Like they probably have a sewing kit.

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Speaker 2: That was Hyperabiley. They probably, but I.

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Speaker 1: Don't know that it was. I don't know that. They

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Speaker 1: don't have deodorant in there. I don't know that they

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Speaker 1: don't have like a mass and Gill Douche in there.

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Speaker 1: I don't know that, but I don't that was Hyperboley too.

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Speaker 1: But like all these women are in these chairs. Now,

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Speaker 1: my chair is turquoise. It is a cross body person.

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Speaker 1: It's on the floor. So I walk in and like

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Speaker 1: they're always early and that's annoying, Like, respectfully, I don't

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Speaker 1: need to be at this tournament. From nine to seven

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Speaker 1: o'clock at night. One goes till nine o'clock at late

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Speaker 1: at night. Like my best one of my closest friends

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Speaker 1: has four daughters, and she said, you can excel at sports.

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Speaker 1: There's only so farthest thing is probably going to go

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Speaker 1: because I'm not fucking going to tournaments. Now. None of

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Speaker 1: her kids, she's a Jewish woman from Jersey. Most of

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Speaker 1: her kids are not you know, six foot three professional

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Speaker 1: basketball players. Respectfully, they're smart, they're athletic, but like, listen,

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Speaker 1: none of them are major athletes. I don't think any

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Speaker 1: of her four girls are playing football for the NFL,

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Speaker 1: so you know, and but so, but she just didn't

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Speaker 1: want to go. So I try to make these rules

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Speaker 1: for myself, like I won't go to every single away

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Speaker 1: tournament for these volleyball leagues. Like I love you so much,

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Speaker 1: I'm not like every single weekend going to a volleyball tournament.

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Speaker 1: I mean, that's just not And I remember as a kid,

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Speaker 1: I begged my mother. I wanted her to be like

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Speaker 1: the PTA mom and go to a bake sale never

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Speaker 1: one time. So I probably go into twenty games overall,

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Speaker 1: and I've gone to maybe one or two tournaments. She's

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Speaker 1: only done the club thing two seasons, so and one

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Speaker 1: my mother died. I didn't get to go to the

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Speaker 1: Philadelphia one where you go and you get a hotel

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Speaker 1: and I was gonna get a nice hotel and it's gonna

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Speaker 1: be three thousand dollars, Like what the fuck? So people

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Speaker 1: stay in the same hotel as the kids and the

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Speaker 1: club dinners, and.

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Speaker 2: It's just like it's it's a lot. Okay, it's a lot.

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Speaker 1: And I know someone who said they think club sports

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Speaker 1: are tearing families apart because one mom's here, the dad's there.

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Speaker 1: They're all over the place octopus fucking org charts and

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Speaker 1: people from NASA trying to analyze where everyon's supposed to

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Speaker 1: be and all the equipment. And I was not born

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Speaker 1: for the slave. I was not born for three boys

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Speaker 1: and hockey sticks and smelly jockstraps in my house. Like

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Speaker 1: thank God, my little daughter is a little princess who

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Speaker 1: used packing cubes and proactively books a tutor and knows

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Speaker 1: that she wants to go to school at University of

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Speaker 1: Miami in ninth grade, like God met me where I

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Speaker 1: am at And also she's my daughter, So there you go.

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Speaker 1: So the husbands are there puffer vest University? When I

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Speaker 1: tell you thirty two percent of the husbands of the

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Speaker 1: volleyball bad moms have puffer vests. And if they don't

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Speaker 1: have puffer vest, if some version of a vest, okay,

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Speaker 1: just whatever that means to you.

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: But these bitches have everything. Okay, they have drinks, they

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Speaker 1: have goldfish. They come, they get excited. They talk about

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Speaker 1: the different coffee they make, coffe they love the dialogue

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Speaker 1: is they made like a going for coffee?

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Speaker 2: Is any want coffee? What do you want? What do

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Speaker 2: you want? No, You'll get me.

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Speaker 1: A Venmo big Venmo is big with the fucking volleyball

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Speaker 1: moms big with the bat Mom's volleyball Vemo Venmo.

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Speaker 2: You just found me you I'll get it next time.

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Speaker 2: You get it here.

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Speaker 1: But they like the yent to gossip of it, like

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Speaker 1: it's giving nails. And like that cigarette case that like

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Speaker 1: this woman Pat Wilson who used to watch me and

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Speaker 1: stat in Ozone Park queens like opening the cigarette case smoking,

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Speaker 1: just talking about shit that doesn't matter, which is why

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Speaker 1: I like it, because like these women will spend fifteen

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Speaker 1: minutes on like the coffee, and I'll get the coffee

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Speaker 1: two cremps, Dishy, what who eased to coffee like that?

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Speaker 1: What do you mean? Know? They have a Vanella syrup

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Speaker 1: and I'm going They're not going there. They're ice coffee

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Speaker 1: is terrible, Like it's twenty it's fifteen to twenty minutes

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Speaker 1: on the ice coffee. And then we're into like the

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Speaker 1: Danish or the Ruggel, and then someone's bringing munchkins. Oh,

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Speaker 1: and everybody's just shoveling in munchkins and everything you can

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Speaker 1: possibly eat, and lunchtime comes and it's a whole discussion.

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Speaker 1: And I actually offered someone chicken salad because I am

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Speaker 1: a chicken salad influencer, as many of you may know,

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Speaker 1: and I reviewed chicken salad and I went to a

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Speaker 1: deli called Main Street Deli in Hempstead and bought their

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Speaker 1: chicken salad to review it. It wasn't great, just you know,

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Speaker 1: and they gave me like four pounds of it and

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Speaker 1: it was annoying. And I came back and I took

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Speaker 1: one bite and I said, you guys want some chicken salad.

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Speaker 2: She's like, now I brought some. I'm like, wait, you

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Speaker 2: brought chicken sala?

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Speaker 1: Like why you have chicken salad like I just have it,

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Speaker 1: because like I do it, like you just have chicken salad.

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Speaker 1: I just saw five other things that you have, so

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Speaker 1: they're just like there to live. And I walk in

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Speaker 1: and I don't know how I started with the talking

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Speaker 1: to his one, but I walked in and I was

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Speaker 1: in barrased, like I.

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Speaker 2: Was really the bad mom.

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Speaker 1: And I walked in and I'm not going to I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna never sugar coat. I'm gonna tell you what it

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Speaker 1: really is.

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Speaker 2: Now. I'm a great mom. I really really am. I

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Speaker 2: don't have any issues with this.

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Speaker 1: I do everything with my daughter, and I mean fucking

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Speaker 1: since she was a little kid, it was Gingerbread University

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Speaker 1: every year, and let's go to your make your own

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Speaker 1: ice cream, let's do the place where we go to

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Speaker 1: take your friends and make jeans, and let's go to

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Speaker 1: the merry ground, and let's go to the bed, and

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Speaker 1: let's go to the every it's a bubble thing, the

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Speaker 1: children's music. I I was over compensating for growing up

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Speaker 1: in a cocaine fueled gambling den, going to nightclubs at thirteen,

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Speaker 1: and shooting craps when I was thirteen in Vegas.

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Speaker 2: True story. So I was over compensating.

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Speaker 1: But I'm a great mom, but because I'm lo a

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Speaker 1: known personality, and these people are my people and they're fans.

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Speaker 1: Like when I walk in, they're giving me a little extra, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this poor thing, she doesn't know anything. And these bad

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Speaker 1: moms that are like Queen's moms, they're fans, of course

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Speaker 1: they are. But I say one thing out a turn,

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Speaker 1: They're gonna fucking hate my guts and they don't give.

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Speaker 2: A shit and they really don't care.

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Speaker 1: Like the guild is off the lily, the smell is

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Speaker 1: off the new car two minutes in, do you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean? Like they met me at happened, We

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Speaker 1: took a picture. They think I'm great, but like they'll

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Speaker 1: tell all their friends it's great currency but like it's

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Speaker 1: okay if I fuck around and like say the wrong

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Speaker 1: thing during the game, like they'll kill me. They'll cut

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Speaker 1: a bitch, do you know what I mean? And the

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Speaker 1: one next to me says to me, I'm a screamer.

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Speaker 1: I scream for my kid, I scream for your kid.

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Speaker 1: I scream for every kid. I'm like, fuck, I go okay,

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Speaker 1: I scream for every kid too. I don't scream for

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Speaker 1: every kid I don't even know what the fuck they're doing.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what they're playing. I don't know what

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Speaker 1: time it is. If there weren't for that score, I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't know.

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Speaker 2: I like it.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a wonderful game. My daughter's always looking

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Speaker 1: over to see if I'm looking. She wants to see

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Speaker 1: that I see everything that she does. It's so rewarding.

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Speaker 2: I love it.

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Speaker 1: So I walk in and I open my chair and

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Speaker 1: like I can't get it, Like everybody's already set up.

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Speaker 1: I always like to be It's like Housewives trips. I

200
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Speaker 1: always show up late and I want to leave early.

201
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Speaker 1: Like I'm always trying to figure out how to come

202
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Speaker 1: up late and leave early. You know, Like if it

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Speaker 1: starts at nine, I'm good like rolling in at like

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Speaker 1: ten fifteen. If it ends at five, I'm good like

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Speaker 1: leaving at four.

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Speaker 2: I'm cool. I like, I check the box. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So I come in and like, this is not It's

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Speaker 1: one of those weird like domino chairs. It's folding one

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Speaker 1: way the other way, but like how does that arm

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Speaker 1: work in the back, And like I'm making a scene

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Speaker 1: because everyone not everyone. I'm not a narcissist completely, but

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Speaker 1: people know who I am. And I've also walked in

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Speaker 1: late and like, I have a turquoise chair and it's

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Speaker 1: a crossbody and it's like none of those other chairs,

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Speaker 1: and I like first think I've got the key because

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Speaker 1: I'm putting it up against these random bleacher but they're

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Speaker 1: not seat bleachers. They're just like folded up some things again,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, I got this, but I really don't

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Speaker 1: got it. I don't feel right. My chair's not together,

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Speaker 1: but I don't know how to like do it because

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Speaker 1: it's just embarrassing. And now all these queens women are

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Speaker 1: coming up to me and they're like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: she needs help. So the one woman's like got her

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Speaker 1: ass in the air and she's like, don't don't, please,

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Speaker 1: don't fill my ass because I put them on my

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Speaker 1: socials and I'm like, you're saving my ass. I'll save

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Speaker 1: your ass, and so she puts my chair together, and

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Speaker 1: then I'm sitting on the floor and like my turquoi.

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Speaker 1: It's just like they're like, oh my god, and then

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Speaker 1: I'm and I just by the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: they all my fucking chair. One of them is in

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Speaker 1: my chair. I'm like, you're jealous, You're jealous my fucking

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Speaker 1: chair because I'm on the floor. You're sitting up like

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Speaker 1: every other basic bad mom bitch, and I'm on the floor,

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Speaker 1: like my back is up. I'm like so good and

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Speaker 1: I can like lean back and like recline. So my

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Speaker 1: chair fucking ruled. And then I went to the car

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Speaker 1: and as one does, I have beauty in the car

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Speaker 1: because I have all this shit that people send me

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Speaker 1: and I always have gifts everywhere because gift giving is

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Speaker 1: my love language. And I come back in and I

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Speaker 1: give all these women individual gift bags. They think I've

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Speaker 1: gone and bought it. I'm like I did, and I

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Speaker 1: just had them in the car like what. So then

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Speaker 1: they were excited and this will like make them happy forever.

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Speaker 1: We took pictures. I had the best time, but just

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Speaker 1: to say that, like these fucking volleyball moms are they're

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Speaker 1: They're savage, and I'm gonna see them again this weekend.

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Speaker 2: How about I'm excited. I love a fucking queen's mom.

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Speaker 1: I've been to other ones where it's like sort of

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Speaker 1: like waspy, prissy like moms and they want to like

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Speaker 1: show me how much they don't care and they're not impressed.

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Speaker 1: And all this shit, like these fucking queen's bitches. They're

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Speaker 1: my people, ice coffee, you fucking chairs sucks. They have

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Speaker 1: every piece of food. I just I live for them.

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Speaker 1: They got to know what you got. I went out,

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Speaker 1: I go where'd you go? You went to my instrumt oh,

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Speaker 1: I know, mainStreet.

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Speaker 2: Dell like full on.

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Speaker 1: They want to tell you where everything is, what's good,

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Speaker 1: what's not. Don't go there, go there. It's just insane

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Speaker 1: and they're just gossiping all day about nothing, and they're

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Speaker 1: very like exaggerated. And the volleyball mom, the volleyball bad

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Speaker 1: mom uniform is a hoodie with a shirt underneath and

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Speaker 1: leggings period period. So the husband's uniform is a puffer

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Speaker 1: vest or a vest, and the woman's is leggings and

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Speaker 1: some version of a hoodie or a fleece or some

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Speaker 1: version of something like that over something else. That's what

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Speaker 1: I got, That's what I got, That's what I learned.