Speaker 1: The Nikky Gliser Podcastleser, Here's Nikky.
Speaker 2: Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Sneaky
Speaker 2: Pleazer Podcast. I'm in Saint Louis, Noah's in Arizona. Anya's
Speaker 2: in New York. Brian is here from Los Angeles, California.
Speaker 2: This is the show? Is how is everyone? This is?
Speaker 2: This is it? If you're.
Speaker 3: What you think? All right, this is the show.
Speaker 2: I was really trying to sound off feet and then
Speaker 2: like my depression came through the truthless is like, this
Speaker 2: is my fucking show. No, I'm so happy that this
Speaker 2: is my show. We keep getting asked to have guests
Speaker 2: on and they're like pretty good guests, but I'm just like, no,
Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm sorry to the listener listening. I'm
Speaker 2: sorry to iHeartRadio if you want me to have like
Speaker 2: better guests on. Not that these you guys are not
Speaker 2: even guess. You guys are part of the show. I
Speaker 2: just know that when I like a pot cast, I
Speaker 2: don't like guests unless it's an interview style podcast. I
Speaker 2: don't enjoy guess. It messes up the fluidity of the show,
Speaker 2: the vibe, the like. That's why it was important for
Speaker 2: me to bring in Brian and and not have. He's
Speaker 2: someone that I get along with them. It's not like
Speaker 2: it was anyone I have on the show. I mean
Speaker 2: from time to time. I mean in my head we
Speaker 2: used to get along. Yeah, I just I don't know
Speaker 2: about do you guys? You guys listen to recurring cast.
Speaker 3: It's like if Parks and rec had like a Joe
Speaker 3: Biden on every week, you would be like, what happened to.
Speaker 2: I'm yes, it's the cast of Friends and they're having
Speaker 2: in It's Emily or it's Julie coming into it, and
Speaker 2: you just go, I don't like this. It's messing up
Speaker 2: the flow. You're trying to insert someone in that I don't.
Speaker 2: It's not that guests are not Sometimes they're amazing. I
Speaker 2: mean if we have Ian Finance on or like someone
Speaker 2: I know it's a really good to my mom, Yeah,
Speaker 2: Julie Glazer, someone everyone knows, it's a it's a fun time.
Speaker 2: But for me, I know myself, I get thrown when
Speaker 2: there's someone here who I always think that they don't
Speaker 2: want to be doing it, and I know that it's insane.
Speaker 2: I'm just being honest. Ever since I had my serious
Speaker 2: show and we would have. You know, celebrities would come
Speaker 2: by serious the building and they would be on these
Speaker 2: press tours. And when a celebrity is doing press, if
Speaker 2: you ever see them on like Colbert and Kimmel and
Speaker 2: all these things, those are like the highlights of what
Speaker 2: they do. They do so many other interviews. There's one
Speaker 2: part where you just go sit into a room in
Speaker 2: a big building and you zoom into every like NBC
Speaker 2: affiliate in the country, so like any like news channel four, like,
Speaker 2: you do those interviews and it's exhausting and it's rarely
Speaker 2: fun and.
Speaker 3: The same questions over and over.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it can be those, It's just I don't
Speaker 2: like to add on to this for people. And a
Speaker 2: lot of times we get celebrities asking like do you
Speaker 2: want this person? And I know it's not them asking,
Speaker 2: it's their publicist because I've had publicists before. And you
Speaker 2: get sent a huge email of all the places you
Speaker 2: could go, and you say yes or no to them,
Speaker 2: and I know it's like, well, you know, whoever that
Speaker 2: person is, they want to go because they got the
Speaker 2: email and they said yes. There's a part of you
Speaker 2: as a celebrity that if you say no to something
Speaker 2: and your project doesn't do well, it's your fault for
Speaker 2: not doing the Nicky Glazer podcast. You couldn't spare an
Speaker 2: hour that day, And an hour's a lot of someone's life.
Speaker 2: And I've had guests on and Noah, you know what
Speaker 2: I'm talking about. We have had guests on the show
Speaker 2: that were dues and who DMed me to be on it,
Speaker 2: not even their publicists. They asked and they come on
Speaker 2: and they're bored, they're annoyed. I've been guests on shows
Speaker 2: where I'm I get there and I'm I'm I always
Speaker 2: show up pretty good, a pretty good guest to very good.
Speaker 2: I never am like average. I always try to like
Speaker 2: bring it, but I will say that I just don't.
Speaker 2: I have a thing where I never want someone to
Speaker 2: be doing something cut out of obligation with me. And
Speaker 2: it's something I talk about a lot in therapy. I
Speaker 2: cried about it the other day because of I watched
Speaker 2: the episode of Succession. Brian, you can sit this one out.
Speaker 2: I know you're not involved, but.
Speaker 1: Wait spoiler alert, spoiler alert oiler oh yeah, you spoilert.
Speaker 2: No one died.
Speaker 3: I heard it's about Is it true that it's about
Speaker 3: a family of riches in his mouth.
Speaker 2: Everyone oil alert horn?
Speaker 4: What with my buttole hold on? Let me try my
Speaker 4: buttole wait, try it.
Speaker 2: It's working. No, that's your No, that was your mouth. Wait,
Speaker 2: do the real one with your mouth. Because it's so impressive.
Speaker 2: People can't believe it.
Speaker 3: You're oh my god, so cool. Yeah, it's really good.
Speaker 3: Like every sixty five year old man from Long Island.
Speaker 4: Or in.
Speaker 2: Why do old people insist? Whenever I lose my phone,
Speaker 2: people are like, let me call it, and I'm on you.
Speaker 2: I'm not calling you out because you did that this weekend.
Speaker 2: But people always like, let me call it, and I go,
Speaker 2: who the fuck has a sound on their phone? It's
Speaker 2: not gonna do anything. The number of times people have
Speaker 2: been like, let me call it, I go, what what world?
Speaker 2: Who leaves their sound on their phone?
Speaker 3: And then when people say, what about is it on vibrate?
Speaker 3: Is it on vibrate? Because that'll that makes noise too.
Speaker 3: If you're in a movie theater and you get a
Speaker 3: call and it's vibrating, that's like almost more disturbing than
Speaker 3: if I.
Speaker 2: Don't have my phone on vibrate either. I don't know
Speaker 2: how to put it on vibrate. Well, just then you
Speaker 2: should be looking on your phone.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what I should be looking it on, and
Speaker 4: I turn it off. That's what I don't understand why
Speaker 4: people don't turn off the ringers when it's time.
Speaker 1: Don't you turn off your phone completely?
Speaker 2: No? No, she like when the ringer starts ringing, she'll
Speaker 2: press like the down on the volume, muting.
Speaker 4: I do all of it, guys. I turned my ringer on,
Speaker 4: I turn it off. I put it on airplane mode.
Speaker 4: I fuck with my phone.
Speaker 2: Oh yes, I do it all too. I never I
Speaker 2: don't fly. I don't have it. I never have it on.
Speaker 2: I never have the sound on because I always am
Speaker 2: scared that I'll be that person in public who has
Speaker 2: their alerts going. And it's so annoying. Even standing in
Speaker 2: line at Starbucks, I don't want to hear your fucking phone.
Speaker 4: You had such a big epiphany this week where you
Speaker 4: like helped ten of us uh with this big epiphany
Speaker 4: you had about not giving your shit what other people think.
Speaker 4: So maybe that's part of your new task.
Speaker 2: Is not carre that is that's the thing. No, it's
Speaker 2: not being it's not being well. To back up, I
Speaker 2: had a voice lesson yesterday and I was super I've
Speaker 2: been depressed for like a week and a half, just
Speaker 2: been you know, having the dark thoughts. Have a suicide
Speaker 2: book I'm reading That gives me comfort. I don't know
Speaker 2: what it is. When I am really depressed, I want
Speaker 2: to read about suicide. I want to read about people
Speaker 2: killing themselves. I want to listen to it. I just
Speaker 2: go to the Wikipedia and read famous suicides. It's a
Speaker 2: weird thing I do. It gives me comfort. It feels
Speaker 2: like wrapping up in a warm blanket. Brian, you are
Speaker 2: nodding your head. Is this relatable?
Speaker 3: I mean I could dive into the darkness every now
Speaker 3: and then, especially.
Speaker 2: When you get dark. You want to read dark stuff.
Speaker 3: No, it's actually it's actually not good because I know
Speaker 3: it's not. If somebody dies, like a celebrity or something,
Speaker 3: I get obsessed about finding out how they died. I
Speaker 3: need to know if I find comfort in how they died.
Speaker 3: For some reason, if something bad happens, like someone gets
Speaker 3: in a car accident and I see it, then I
Speaker 3: start reading about all the stats about car accidents. I
Speaker 3: look up every car accident that's happened in the last
Speaker 3: like forty five years, and I think it's me just
Speaker 3: searching for ways to like not have it happen to me,
Speaker 3: but it winds up being a like a circling the
Speaker 3: toilet drain of depression that just keeps giving me down.
Speaker 2: And yeah, there's really no way to avoid getting t
Speaker 2: boned by a drunk driver or you know, I'm always
Speaker 2: when I drive at night, I'm always on alert for
Speaker 2: people taking like getting on the exit ramp and coming
Speaker 2: towards me, lights coming towards me. I sometimes have hallucinated
Speaker 2: and started seeing the lights coming towards me when it
Speaker 2: isn't because I'm so on the lookout for because that's
Speaker 2: how people die all the time and accidents is people
Speaker 2: are drunk and they get on the highway going the
Speaker 2: wrong ways.
Speaker 3: Horrifying.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, so I'm always on the lookout for that constantly, chronically,
Speaker 2: and sometimes it like I invent it. And sometimes I've
Speaker 2: gotten really scared on the highway because I'm like it's
Speaker 2: coming and it's like no, that's like the headlights in
Speaker 2: front of it. It's so weird.
Speaker 3: I had some irrational fears where they're in my neighborhood
Speaker 3: walking around, there's some really gigantic pine cones. They're literally
Speaker 3: like grenades right, and they fall from the trees. Are
Speaker 3: these trees should not be allowed in suburban neighborhoods because
Speaker 3: they are as hard and sharp as grenades. I've seen
Speaker 3: one fall and dent the car. And so whenever I
Speaker 3: walk underneath trees like that, I used to freak out.
Speaker 3: And then someone said, what you have to do is
Speaker 3: you have to spend like an hour under one of
Speaker 3: those trees, face your fear.
Speaker 4: Oh, exposure.
Speaker 3: Therapy, and so then I did. Now I feel a
Speaker 3: lot better, but I still believe that they should cut
Speaker 3: down those trees.
Speaker 4: What about when we were all living in New York City,
Speaker 4: do you remember when the wind the winter is fading
Speaker 4: and the spring is coming, and you slowly see those
Speaker 4: sheets of ice on the glass buildings melt and fall,
Speaker 4: and then you would it would you see signs beware
Speaker 4: falling sheets of glass and they're like huge sheets of
Speaker 4: glass that could just slice your.
Speaker 2: Head right off. Or there's like you are on the
Speaker 2: train and there's like a homeless man who is stabbing
Speaker 2: the air oh, coming towards you. Yes, you know wildly.
Speaker 3: I've seen the guy like that stabbing a phone pole,
Speaker 3: just over and over it. Yeah, what are we gonna
Speaker 3: do walk by him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, because it's discriminatory. If you don't, you
Speaker 2: have to pretend like that's normal. So there's a lot
Speaker 2: of there's some homeless people popping up in my neighborhood
Speaker 2: and I cross the street and it's like, I get
Speaker 2: I I feel bad doing that because maybe they're harmless,
Speaker 2: but they're just making erratic movements. They're kind of shouting
Speaker 2: in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I
Speaker 2: am protecting myself. But anyway, I was depressed this week,
Speaker 2: and so I've been like I picked up this book.
Speaker 2: It kind of kind of like served to me. There
Speaker 2: was like a I don't know it was on my Instagram,
Speaker 2: but a quote from it came up. A guy wrote
Speaker 2: a book about how to not kill yourself. So I'm like, okay, well,
Speaker 2: if I want to read by suicide, this is the
Speaker 2: book to read a bit because it's like I'm trying,
Speaker 2: not that I'm ever going to kill myself, but I like,
Speaker 2: I just like to read about it cause it's just
Speaker 2: it's reading about a way out for you standing under
Speaker 2: the pine cone. It's like, Okay, I'm I'm teaching myself
Speaker 2: that this is not likely to happen to me, whereas
Speaker 2: I'm like, I want a scenario where I can get out,
Speaker 2: Like I just cried this morning because there's a dog
Speaker 2: being put down on my friend's Instagram. She runs a
Speaker 2: rescue Natalie. She's been on the podcast a friend, not
Speaker 2: a guest that was forced on me, But she posted
Speaker 2: this dog that has like fucking all fucked up legs
Speaker 2: and breathing issues and its bones are growing in all
Speaker 2: these weird ways, and it was having its last day
Speaker 2: on earth because they have to put it down. And
Speaker 2: they took it to the beach and like fed it
Speaker 2: nice food, and then the song was playing the Tom
Speaker 2: Petty like you Belong among the Wildflowers, and it was
Speaker 2: just like oh, Mike, and I was crying, And then
Speaker 2: I realized I was crying because I'm jealous that dogs
Speaker 2: get to be put down, because I've been wanting to
Speaker 2: be put down this way. I just want to, like
Speaker 2: I want it's not fair that like dogs can suffer
Speaker 2: enough that people go. We can let them go, but
Speaker 2: humans like have to just keep going. And I don't
Speaker 2: want to die. I just want a little bit of
Speaker 2: a break from living. Yeah, sometimes and I know that
Speaker 2: people relate to that until the next episode of Succession, yes, yes,
Speaker 2: or until the next like fun dinner or podcast I
Speaker 2: get to do. I just I just don't really like
Speaker 2: myself this week. But I'm only sharing that because I
Speaker 2: feel like it's relatable and I know you guys are
Speaker 2: like but I like you, and it's like, why would
Speaker 2: I want to listen to someone who doesn't like themselves?
Speaker 2: I don't know. You have to ask yourself that. So anyway,
Speaker 2: I've been reading this book. I don't have the solution
Speaker 2: for you. I can't and be anything else a problem.
Speaker 3: Yeah, if you like me, you need to go to therapy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I guess now, I meant your shit.
Speaker 2: No, I didn't mean it that way. I just mean like,
Speaker 2: I can't change who I am just because it might
Speaker 2: not be the greatest thing for you as a listener.
Speaker 2: Like I'm I'm sick of trying to be anything that
Speaker 2: I'm not feeling. I'm like kind of trying to live
Speaker 2: in like exactly what's happening to me, complete honesty about it,
Speaker 2: or at least this is how I'm trying to live today,
Speaker 2: because yesterday I went to my voice listen and I
Speaker 2: was really depressed because I've just been comparing myself to
Speaker 2: too many people, and I don't fit in any of
Speaker 2: my clothes, and I can't stop eating and all the things,
Speaker 2: and so well, I was just really depressed and my
Speaker 2: voice is average, and I'm just sick of being average.
Speaker 2: I don't like being average. I want to be special.
Speaker 2: And then there's all this hogwash about like but you know,
Speaker 2: everyone has a Like I talked to my therapist yesterday,
Speaker 2: who is my voice teacher, my therapist earlier on in
Speaker 2: the morning, and she's like, you know, I go, if
Speaker 2: I can't be extraordinary at something, I like don't want
Speaker 2: to be alive. I just don't really it bothers me
Speaker 2: to like it bothers me to dream of being something
Speaker 2: and really never being able to do that. It's like,
Speaker 2: I just don't see the point of staying alive if
Speaker 2: you can't be the things you want to be. And
Speaker 2: she was like, well, what about She said something about
Speaker 2: everyone has a purpose, and I'm like, really, does everyone
Speaker 2: have a purpose?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: I think there are some people that just don't, and
Speaker 2: maybe I'm one, Like I don't know, not that I'm
Speaker 2: one of them, but I just don't like the idea
Speaker 2: where it's like it's almost like that whole thing that
Speaker 2: the conservatives say about liberals, where everyone needs a trophy,
Speaker 2: there's no losers, and it's like, I don't like this
Speaker 2: idea of like everyone some people are exactly what and why?
Speaker 2: What about like when a child dies of cancer and
Speaker 2: they're like, this is God, God needed this child. There's
Speaker 2: a reason behind it. What would the reason be about?
Speaker 3: Say, oh my.
Speaker 2: God, Like there's just sometimes things are just bad and bleak,
Speaker 2: and like I just don't I don't know. Maybe that's
Speaker 2: my depression brain that's not able to see like everything
Speaker 2: has a reason and everything has a purpose. Something's just
Speaker 2: seemed super cruel. And some people just seem very untalented
Speaker 2: but want to be talented, and that to me is
Speaker 2: like sad. If you want to be something and you
Speaker 2: can never be it, maybe you're an example. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1: When when a therapists say that, I don't think they
Speaker 1: mean it in like a like a religious or faithful respect.
Speaker 1: I think they mean it more like what people get
Speaker 1: their happiness from. So the flailing guy on the train,
Speaker 1: like his purpose is to go and to just flail
Speaker 1: around and get whatever. Yeah, it just like what what
Speaker 1: makes you happy? But what about people who commit genocide
Speaker 1: and that makes them happy?
Speaker 2: Do we allow that? Like certainly not? You know, like
Speaker 2: what if him stabbing someone makes him happy? And then
Speaker 2: we're like whatever brings you joys? Like That's kind of
Speaker 2: what I'm I'm getting at is that I don't think
Speaker 2: that everyone has a purpose on this planet and that
Speaker 2: some people are right to be like I'm worthless, and
Speaker 2: like sometimes I I don't like hearing I'm beautiful when
Speaker 2: I'm feeling ugly. I don't like hearing I'm skinny when
Speaker 2: I know that I'm not the body I want to be,
Speaker 2: and all these things that I think that people just
Speaker 2: kind of have these platitudes that are empty to me.
Speaker 2: And sometimes I feel like my depressed brain does see
Speaker 2: things literally for how they are, and it can be
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm more enlightened than most people, and
Speaker 2: in a way that is like brutal because you just
Speaker 2: see like nothing matters. It does Like I'm I just
Speaker 2: don't like being average, and I don't think I don't
Speaker 2: see the purpose in being an average person. It just
Speaker 2: seems like you're a waste on the nation's resources and
Speaker 2: you're not contributing anything. I know I'm contributing something. I
Speaker 2: have meet besties all the time who feel very connected
Speaker 2: to me. I know that I contribute. But what if
Speaker 2: I didn't? Should I kill myself then? Like if I
Speaker 2: don't have this podcast? Should I like what am I bringing?
Speaker 3: Joy?
Speaker 2: Am I bringing to the world? I just don't. So
Speaker 2: I just feel then, I feel like all my worth
Speaker 2: is wrapped up in this thing that iHeartRadio presents to
Speaker 2: people like I just like there's a corporation behind what
Speaker 2: I bring to the world, Like, thank you, iHeart But
Speaker 2: does any of this make sense? That yourself like the
Speaker 2: ramblings of a true crazy depressed person right.
Speaker 3: Now, you don't sound crazy, but you, I mean sound depressed.
Speaker 3: Everything is shit. It might be fun to, you know,
Speaker 3: just shot on everything for a while. That's always a
Speaker 3: fun thing. I like doing that. But no, you're you
Speaker 3: stumbled upon. Stumble upon you are acutely aware of the truth.
Speaker 3: Which which is that the cut? Which is that?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's turning around. Okay wait a second, yes, worth
Speaker 2: meter breaks.
Speaker 3: Nothing we do matters, Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.
Speaker 3: Everything that exists in this world in society is made
Speaker 3: up and all we can do is what we decide
Speaker 3: we want to do, and that's your fucking purpose.
Speaker 2: I don't believe that we make decisions. You make decisions,
Speaker 2: I know, and so what am I supposed to do?
Speaker 2: But I do have a solution onto all of this.
Speaker 2: All of this does get better. I will tell you
Speaker 2: about it after the break, because I did have kind
Speaker 2: of a little bit of a piff.
Speaker 3: Here's an ad for betterhelp.
Speaker 2: That's so good. All right, we're back. So we're going
Speaker 2: to follow up on everything the moment in succession, because
Speaker 2: those is all connected. So I was my therapist in
Speaker 2: the morning. My therapist that I have now is somatic therapist,
Speaker 2: where she's like asks about what I feel in my body.
Speaker 2: It's all very confusing to me. I don't feel things
Speaker 2: in my body. I'm starting to kind of notice where
Speaker 2: I tense up and stuff, but it's still a fucking urreach.
Speaker 2: I'm just mad because I'm mad. I'm sad because I'm sad.
Speaker 2: I don't know where it presents in my body. Brian,
Speaker 2: you you are someone who's on the train with like
Speaker 2: are on board the train of all pain is in
Speaker 2: your head? Kind of thing or like not all of it,
Speaker 2: but I mean it is in your head. That's where
Speaker 2: you lie.
Speaker 3: Well, that is the truth, even if you have like
Speaker 3: a broken bone and something that's in your head. Yes,
Speaker 3: everything that you sense and feel comes from your brain,
Speaker 3: and so it.
Speaker 2: Comes from your nerves sending a message to your brain.
Speaker 2: So it is from your brain.
Speaker 3: But there are a lot of instances where you do
Speaker 3: not have a physical manifestation that would cause pain, and
Speaker 3: your brain is just creating pain due to ace trauma
Speaker 3: or anxiety or things like that. I'm I'm definitely I
Speaker 3: have lots of that.
Speaker 2: Yes you do. And it's it's supposed supposed to be
Speaker 2: enough to know that you that is what's causing it
Speaker 2: to make it go away, like knowing the route is
Speaker 2: to make it go away. But it's a lot more
Speaker 2: than that. Uh I guess, yeah, it just finds another
Speaker 2: place to start lighting up.
Speaker 3: It didn't work for me just knowing that. I mean,
Speaker 3: then yeah, if if it crops up somewhere else and
Speaker 3: then it tricks you into thinking that it's a physical symptom,
Speaker 3: then it really hurts.
Speaker 2: But like, do you ever talk to it and go
Speaker 2: I hear you? I knowed I get it. Like that
Speaker 2: has helped for me. When I had a cold sore
Speaker 2: coming on because of stress, I just go, hey, message received.
Speaker 2: I am stressed out right now I need to relax more.
Speaker 2: You don't need to turn into a blister. I don't
Speaker 2: need the full message. It's you know when someone's explaining
Speaker 2: something to you and you get it right away, but
Speaker 2: they keep talking and they need to say it a
Speaker 2: million times over. Yeah, that's what I say to my
Speaker 2: cold sore where I was just like, got it, don't
Speaker 2: need to go the full route. Like everything you are
Speaker 2: saying I completely get. Let me repeat it back to you. Cold.
Speaker 2: I am stressed out, I am suffering. I am saying
Speaker 2: yes to too many things I don't want to do.
Speaker 2: I am not sleeping enough, I am not eating right,
Speaker 2: you know, like you just tell it like, got it,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna address it. You can go away now. It
Speaker 2: right for me.
Speaker 4: The other day I thought I was having a shingles
Speaker 4: outbreak again because I had shingles years ago, remember, and
Speaker 4: NICKI was like, I was freaking out because I'm like
Speaker 4: I know this tingling pain. Yeah, exactly what it is.
Speaker 4: It feels just like you have a cut on your
Speaker 4: arm with an exact o knife exactly like that, and
Speaker 4: then you look at your arm exactly nothing there, And
Speaker 4: that's what it feels like for a few days before
Speaker 4: the thing comes on.
Speaker 2: You get shingles, yeah, and then you're out.
Speaker 4: For like a couple of weeks and it feels like
Speaker 4: you got the flu really bad and it's gross, open soores,
Speaker 4: and you can get shingles multiple times.
Speaker 2: So I told niki Ye.
Speaker 4: She told me to do that, and I did it,
Speaker 4: and probably I wasn't getting a shingles outbreak, who knows,
Speaker 4: but I never got the thing.
Speaker 2: I just kept say to the level. You can do
Speaker 2: it for sniffles, you can do it for a sore
Speaker 2: throat coming on whenever. But some people want to get sick,
Speaker 2: Like we all know people that are like I'm getting sick,
Speaker 2: and they like they want it and they can and
Speaker 2: you can also invite it. That doesn't make me feel
Speaker 2: any less bad for those people. Like, a sickness is
Speaker 2: a sickness, whether you brought it on unknowingly, subconsciously or not.
Speaker 2: Like I'm not taking anything away from these illnesses. It's
Speaker 2: just you might have more control than you think. Right,
Speaker 2: the thing that you don't want to turn into the
Speaker 2: thing a letter and just be like, hey, thank you
Speaker 2: so much for showing up. I needed someone to kind
Speaker 2: of like shake me awake about my life not going
Speaker 2: the way. I need to walk more, I need to
Speaker 2: gather in the sunlight. Whatever you can, let it know
Speaker 2: you're going to do so it doesn't need to show
Speaker 2: up all the way because it's trying to send you
Speaker 2: a message.
Speaker 3: What you're doing there is twofold. One thing is you
Speaker 3: are acknowledging, acknowledging the connection between the physical symptom and
Speaker 3: the emotion and the anxiety, saying that this is not
Speaker 3: a physical problem that I'm having. This is yes, because
Speaker 3: I'm having an emotional problem. My body, my limbic system,
Speaker 3: whatever is reacting in this way. And then secondly, you're
Speaker 3: not empowering it. You're kind of undermining it by talking
Speaker 3: to it, like if you talk to it like it's
Speaker 3: a little baby or a dog or something, that undermines it.
Speaker 3: Because what you resist persists. If you have a symptom,
Speaker 3: you and you are scared of it, and you keep
Speaker 3: focusing on it, and you're like, how do I get
Speaker 3: rid of these headaches? How do I get rid of this,
Speaker 3: you know, pain in my joints? How do I get
Speaker 3: rid of this pelvic pain? How do I get rid
Speaker 3: of my ibs? If you just keep focusing on it,
Speaker 3: it will just get worse because your subconscious mind will
Speaker 3: say this is important, this is dangerous, and we need
Speaker 3: to continue sending these signals because that's what the brain's
Speaker 3: focusing on. If you can talk to it like it's
Speaker 3: a baby, undermine it, and then just ignore it, it'll
Speaker 3: slowly your brain will be like, well, this isn't doing anything,
Speaker 3: so let's just not do it anymore.
Speaker 2: Thank it. Because when you thank someone and you go
Speaker 2: thank you so much, it sends them away, you know, like,
Speaker 2: so it's trying to give you a gift and you go,
Speaker 2: oh my god, thank you, but no, thank you, I've
Speaker 2: already had enough, Like I don't eat sugar or whatever.
Speaker 2: It is, like someone's bringing you a cake. You beat
Speaker 2: polite to it because it's trying. It is. It's trying
Speaker 2: to do good, trying to slow you down, so you stop.
Speaker 2: Like shingles would put you out on you you wouldn't
Speaker 2: be able to work, you wouldn't be able to think about
Speaker 2: anything else. Therefore, you wouldn't think about all the other
Speaker 2: things that it's trying to get you to stop thinking
Speaker 2: about exactly, you know what I mean, like it would
Speaker 2: it would. It's trying to help you by not and
Speaker 2: it's pain. Is trying to help you by not letting
Speaker 2: you suffer emotionally, because emotional suffering is so we're so
Speaker 2: scared of it because we don't it's not something that
Speaker 2: we feels tangible to us. I think our brain reroutes
Speaker 2: it to physical things. I mean, that's just my interpretation.
Speaker 2: I wish we had Andrew Huberman here to explain any
Speaker 2: of this and tell us we're all wrong. But every
Speaker 2: time I see his podcasts, I'm just like I learned
Speaker 2: something new. I ever somebody to see a clip of
Speaker 2: that sixteen hour podcast. But so I went to this
Speaker 2: girl and she was talking to me about girl Woman,
Speaker 2: and she it's interesting because I've been just gaining weight recently.
Speaker 2: I've talked about it on the podcast. It's not like
Speaker 2: a lot of weight. I don't hate. It's not like
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm fat or I hate you because
Speaker 2: you might be fatter than me. Please don't put this
Speaker 2: on yourself. It's just a me thing. None of my
Speaker 2: clothes fit. You get it. I've already said it, but
Speaker 2: it's crept up because I've started eating at night again,
Speaker 2: Like I wake up in the middle of the night
Speaker 2: and I am not It's not because I'm hungry. Let
Speaker 2: me mind you. I know a lot of people eat
Speaker 2: at night because they starve all day. That used to
Speaker 2: be me. I don't starve during the day anymore. I
Speaker 2: eat like a normal person during the day, and then
Speaker 2: I'm in the middle of the night. I wake up
Speaker 2: at like two hours after I've gone to bed, and
Speaker 2: I am a ravenous And it's not actual hunger. It's
Speaker 2: just because if it were hunger, I would just keep
Speaker 2: eating because I don't know or I would it would.
Speaker 2: I just I kind of know the difference. I don't
Speaker 2: know how to describe it because it just it seems
Speaker 2: like hunger. And so I've been eating in the middle
Speaker 2: of the night, back to my old wily ways. And
Speaker 2: it started out as just like I'll just have a
Speaker 2: little something. I didn't need to eat enough today, you know.
Speaker 2: It started out as me justifying it, like, oh, my
Speaker 2: body just needs food to get through the night, and
Speaker 2: then it turns into like every single night I get
Speaker 2: to like stop at a rest stop and get snacks,
Speaker 2: like it's just like I'm one of my bodies on
Speaker 2: a road trip through the night. Protein bars because they're
Speaker 2: the easiest and I like am very connected to them.
Speaker 2: Those are like my eating disorder food because they're packaged,
Speaker 2: you know exactly how much you're getting. There's like a
Speaker 2: sweetness to it, there's a saltiness to it, like I
Speaker 2: just have my ones. And it's become like this habit
Speaker 2: where I'm doing it probably six nights a week. If
Speaker 2: Crispin's the night, I don't tend to do it, maybe
Speaker 2: because he's there and it would feel like I'd have
Speaker 2: to sneak it because I'd be horrified if he caught
Speaker 2: me in the middle of the night eating. So like
Speaker 2: maybe once or twice a week, and sometimes I just
Speaker 2: like sleep through the night and I don't know why,
Speaker 2: and I wake up in the morning and I feel
Speaker 2: like a million bucks because I'm not like bloated from
Speaker 2: eating a literally and I'm not talking about one birdieu bar.
Speaker 2: I'm talking about several. I Mean, this isn't like I
Speaker 2: used to where it was like nine and that's not
Speaker 2: an exaggeration at all. I used to eat nine prode
Speaker 2: bars throughout the night. I was like two or three.
Speaker 2: And that's the God's honest truth, like never more than
Speaker 2: three at this moment, but three every single night. Let's talk.
Speaker 2: That's like six hundred calories over the course of it
Speaker 2: takes I think thirty five hundred calories to gain a pound,
Speaker 2: So that's three weeks I've can gain, you know, two
Speaker 2: or three pounds. And I've been doing this now for months.
Speaker 2: It's like crept up and it's like now it's showing up.
Speaker 2: My clothes don't fit. And and I'm also tired of
Speaker 2: it because it's just like it's this, it's just not
Speaker 2: it doesn't make sense why I'm doing it. So I
Speaker 2: was talking to her about doing your sleep, yes, and
Speaker 2: because your body has to like process it. And now
Speaker 2: I get now my body thinks it's time to eat.
Speaker 2: It's like it's not even but it's emotional. I mean,
Speaker 2: because what it feels like in the middle of the
Speaker 2: night is a huh. It feels like a hug. And
Speaker 2: I've never described that. I was talking to Chris about
Speaker 2: it yesterday about emotional eating, and He's like, I've never
Speaker 2: understood when people say, like eat your feelings and I
Speaker 2: really haven't either, and I'm someone who's been doing it
Speaker 2: my whole life. I know I just don't because I'm
Speaker 2: not connected to my feelings, right. So, but she actually
Speaker 2: blew my mind yesterday because she was like, well, when
Speaker 2: you like cry a lot during the day, or have
Speaker 2: some kind of like emotional expression, or you receive some
Speaker 2: sort of comfort, or you have a strong emotional connection
Speaker 2: with someone you share or you open up in some way,
Speaker 2: does the eating happen those nights? And I was like,
Speaker 2: I don't know. I gotta start tracking it because I
Speaker 2: want to see, like maybe that is. Maybe I just
Speaker 2: need to cry and then I don't have to gain
Speaker 2: a bunch of weight, Like maybe if I just let
Speaker 2: out some feelings, that's what that is. So I am
Speaker 2: done doing it. I like, am just flipping a switch
Speaker 2: where I'm like, I'm just I don't get to do that.
Speaker 2: So now, like last night, before I went to bed,
Speaker 2: knowing I don't get to in the middle of the night,
Speaker 2: I was like, well, you get to eat as much
Speaker 2: as you want before bed, because it's the kitchen is
Speaker 2: closed when you go to sleep. And it was kind
Speaker 2: of nice because I just like pigged out before I
Speaker 2: went to bed, knowing that like, well, at least I'm
Speaker 2: not gonna eat in the middle of the night because
Speaker 2: I can't do that, and that, I think really helped
Speaker 2: me be not like restricting before bed either, just being like, well,
Speaker 2: when you wash your face to go to bed, it's done.
Speaker 2: Like I'm eating up until I wash my face. It's nice.
Speaker 4: But like someone talk about not being able to understand
Speaker 4: that phrase, because I also had that, like what eat
Speaker 4: your feelings?
Speaker 2: I don't get it.
Speaker 4: But then when I first got into recovery for my
Speaker 4: eating disorder, I would sit down and eat lunch, let's say,
Speaker 4: and then I would have a journal, and once my
Speaker 4: lunch was over, or sometimes during lunch, I would just
Speaker 4: start journaling, and I'm like, I don't understand this eat
Speaker 4: my feelings thing, And then I would fill up like
Speaker 4: four or five six pages in my journal and I'd
Speaker 4: be sobbing, and all of a sudden, I started to see, Oh,
Speaker 4: I have all of this pent up whatever you want to, rage, sadness,
Speaker 4: anxiety of future, shit, like so much going on that
Speaker 4: I had no idea about because I would just eat
Speaker 4: through it, not realizing I was eating because I was anxious,
Speaker 4: not because I was hungry, and then I slowly was
Speaker 4: able to over time distinguish between anxiety and actual physical hunger.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but then getting through the anxiety is just tough
Speaker 2: because it does. It does sate my anxiety. When I
Speaker 2: wake up in the middle of night and i'm I'm
Speaker 2: stressed or a like, go for it. When I finish
Speaker 2: that bar, I'm not, I don't need more. I'm I
Speaker 2: got the hut, like I need three.
Speaker 1: Two.
Speaker 2: Usually it's like one, but sometimes two. I feel good.
Speaker 2: I feel like I can go back to sleep and
Speaker 2: everything's okay. Sometimes I wake up again and I have
Speaker 2: another one, like but I feel it does feel like
Speaker 2: I get wrapped up in a blanket and someone's like,
Speaker 2: it's okay, And I don't even know what I'm stressing
Speaker 2: out about it. If you ask me in those moments,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't go I had a bad dream, or I'm
Speaker 2: worried about you know this, shoot tomorrow, or I don't.
Speaker 2: There's no thought process behind it. It's just an impulse.
Speaker 2: And I know this is relatable. That's why I'm sharing it.
Speaker 2: I know there's some people that go, I don't I'm
Speaker 2: gonna understand this at all, But everyone is out of
Speaker 2: control with their food in this country. There's no one
Speaker 2: who doesn't struggle with like I want to eat these
Speaker 2: things and I shouldn't eat this. So I'm not alone here.
Speaker 2: But she said to me, she goes, when this is
Speaker 2: an interesting question to ask yourself if you struggle with
Speaker 2: like overeating or just you know, feeling out of control
Speaker 2: of food. She was like, in that moment when you
Speaker 2: wake up in the middle of night, is there anything
Speaker 2: that you could get instead of the food that would
Speaker 2: make you feel better? Like? Is there anything? Is there
Speaker 2: anyone that could like, is there like someone that could
Speaker 2: like offer their assistance or like? And I was thinking
Speaker 2: about it, and really what she was saying was is
Speaker 2: there someone that could like hug you? Is because when
Speaker 2: we were getting out that I need comfort and that
Speaker 2: this is a substitute for a hug and an intimacy,
Speaker 2: whether with myself or others. And I was like, no,
Speaker 2: because she goes, think about anyone in your life that
Speaker 2: you'd want to hug you in the middle of And
Speaker 2: I'm like, no one, because they're sleeping and I'm a
Speaker 2: burden and I don't want someone to have to hug me.
Speaker 2: I don't know why I have this thing. I don't
Speaker 2: like when people hug me because I feel like the
Speaker 2: whole time they're like, when can I stop doing this?
Speaker 2: This is annoying for me, Like I don't want to
Speaker 2: be hugging her, this is she's a lot, and they
Speaker 2: want to get away. And I know that's not everyone's perception,
Speaker 2: but it's certainly I think I'm projecting because I know
Speaker 2: that when people start going like around me, I go,
Speaker 2: I'm never going to be able to get out of this,
Speaker 2: Like I'm great to be here for the next fifteen
Speaker 2: to thirty minutes to comfort them, but they need so
Speaker 2: much and I can't stay all day. I have to
Speaker 2: go eat three protein bars in my bathroom or what
Speaker 2: you know, I have stuff to do. So do you
Speaker 2: ever feel that way? You guys, win someone.
Speaker 3: I don't like getting hugged at all, so I can relate.
Speaker 2: Why is that?
Speaker 3: I don't know. I guess my mom didn't hug me
Speaker 3: enough or something, and I never got used to getting hugs,
Speaker 3: and so whenever someone.
Speaker 2: Else, what's the thought that goes through your head when
Speaker 2: someone hugs you, get the fuck off me. There's no
Speaker 2: there's no like they don't really want to be doing this.
Speaker 3: No, No, it's just like I don't want this to stop.
Speaker 3: I think it's just a cells gross I don't accept this.
Speaker 3: Maybe it's I don't up to the fact that you'd
Speaker 3: want to touch me or hug me. I gottat accept
Speaker 3: the warmth of your your brak.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I feel like it's it's they feel obligated
Speaker 2: or it's performative, and I'm jealous of people that can
Speaker 2: just accept a hug and so I will spoiler alert
Speaker 2: do the spoiler alert where's the horn sound? Succession spoiler alert?
Speaker 2: So in the latest episode, Shiv is deeply wounded about
Speaker 2: her dad's death and sorry if you didn't get to
Speaker 2: it yet. But honestly, I'm not sorry at all. If
Speaker 2: you are two weeks late in Succession, you aren't a fan,
Speaker 2: and I know some people just haven't watched it, so
Speaker 2: forget that he dies, even though the whole time you
Speaker 2: know he's going to die at some point in these seasons. Actually,
Speaker 2: I am sorry. Sorry, Okay, So I can't decide if
Speaker 2: I'm sorry or not honest same flip flopping. I would
Speaker 2: probably be pissed if I was someone that like hadn't
Speaker 2: seen it yet and had planned to, I'd be annoyed
Speaker 2: with me. So okay, I relate. I want to give
Speaker 2: you a hug. So she is crying about she has
Speaker 2: scheduled her grief. So she is such a busy person
Speaker 2: that her assistant has gotten her a room at their
Speaker 2: office where she can just go into a dark room
Speaker 2: and just cry during the day, which I think is
Speaker 2: hilarious and relatable. So she goes in this room to
Speaker 2: like weep quietly. There's also another thing she's dealing with,
Speaker 2: but I won't spoil that, but I guess I bet
Speaker 2: you can guess what it is. So she's crying for
Speaker 2: two and she's in there and her ex husband or
Speaker 2: like soon to be ex husband, they're going through a divorce,
Speaker 2: they're separated, comes in and she has not told him
Speaker 2: about the other person she's crying for, and she is
Speaker 2: crying and he walks in not knowing she's in there,
Speaker 2: and he's like, oh my god. And she they have
Speaker 2: just a very tumultuo, like a very contentious relationship at
Speaker 2: this point, and she is just cold to him and
Speaker 2: he's kind of rude to her. And he's always been
Speaker 2: the one that shows more warmth than she's always been
Speaker 2: kind of cold, and he's like they have kind of
Speaker 2: like a moment of sweetness and he's like, come here,
Speaker 2: and she just like resists it so much and he's like,
Speaker 2: come on, please, And I almost burst out crying because
Speaker 2: the idea that he wanted to comfort her, like I
Speaker 2: could tell that he wanted to. It wasn't like I
Speaker 2: gotta comfort my wife she's hysterical right now. It was
Speaker 2: like I want this more than you do, maybe, And
Speaker 2: it was so sweet to me that she got that,
Speaker 2: because I just feel like and I think that people
Speaker 2: probably give that to me. I was even telling Anya
Speaker 2: she's one person that I never mind going to, and
Speaker 2: same with Noah Brian. It's to be seen, but Noah
Speaker 2: and Anya are always great people to go with my
Speaker 2: life anxieties because they always they seem to enjoy helping
Speaker 2: me or comforting me. Start giving you have.
Speaker 4: To be like, Okay, I'm done talking about this now
Speaker 4: because I'm like and also point number forty seven, you're like,
Speaker 4: I'm actually good, I'm all talked out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can recover pretty well from things, but no
Speaker 2: I have definitely felt like, you know, I'm so grateful
Speaker 2: for you guys, because I don't know what I would
Speaker 2: do without some people that I could literally at any
Speaker 2: time of day dump some stuff on, and even if
Speaker 2: you don't get to it right away, I know at
Speaker 2: some point you're gonna have a very thoughtful, very compassionate response.
Speaker 2: And same with my girls chat all the girls on
Speaker 2: there listening. You guys are all the same and always
Speaker 2: give me lots of love when I need it. But
Speaker 2: in terms of like hugging, though I don't know that
Speaker 2: i'd want, I don't know that I even though I
Speaker 2: think you'd be okay hugging me, I just feel like
Speaker 2: it's just I feel like a burden. And so I
Speaker 2: need to like kind of work on that because I
Speaker 2: know Chris Convey, my amazing boyfriend, love helping me. There's
Speaker 2: nothing Chris Convey loves more than helping other people. And
Speaker 2: so I do have someone that like gets almost gets
Speaker 2: off on being there for me, and yet I still
Speaker 2: in the middle of the night would feel bad waking
Speaker 2: him up to be like, will you hug me? So
Speaker 2: I don't eat a half a box of kind bars,
Speaker 2: you know, like I just would feel weird doing that.
Speaker 2: But I'm gonna try to start doing it. I'm confused
Speaker 2: to what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: I'm hearing you say I don't like hugs because I
Speaker 4: am assuming they want people do not want to be
Speaker 4: in that hug with me, And then I'm also hearing
Speaker 4: I want to hug, So which is it?
Speaker 2: Yes, I do want I want a hug, but I
Speaker 2: don't want someone to feel like they like I'm just
Speaker 2: doing this because Nikki needs it.
Speaker 3: Have you tried assembling a man out of kind bars
Speaker 3: in the middle of the night, the kind you're eating?
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well something for you to think about, Nikki. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's not like, don't use the word someone, but use
Speaker 1: the specific person. Like if you ever came to me,
Speaker 1: that's what I want. When you come to me and
Speaker 1: you have a problem where or something's bothering you, I
Speaker 1: would never just like tolerate you. And you know I
Speaker 1: love listening to you, and I do love helping you
Speaker 1: a lot, and I do care about you a lot.
Speaker 1: And I am at a point in my life where
Speaker 1: I don't have time for friends that I tolerate or
Speaker 1: any or any people in my life that I just
Speaker 1: like put up with, Like I just don't. I've just
Speaker 1: gotten to a point where my life is now on
Speaker 1: the shorter end than the longer end, and I don't
Speaker 1: want those kind of people in there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess I have to trust people when they
Speaker 2: offer comfort that they're not doing it out of obligation.
Speaker 2: And I'm not ever forcing anyone to do anything.
Speaker 4: If but I needed me, or if I was distressed
Speaker 4: and you saw it and I didn't ask for a hug,
Speaker 4: would you Is there any part of you that would
Speaker 4: feel like hugging me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't have a problem giving hugs to people.
Speaker 2: But it also because I have good boundaries with you
Speaker 2: where I know you, you would understand if I'm like, I
Speaker 2: can't be here, I can't comfort you about this longer
Speaker 2: than an hour, like that's all I have to give.
Speaker 2: I have to get to other things. Like but I
Speaker 2: do feel like I have a friend right now who
Speaker 2: just lost a parent, and I really struggle with that
Speaker 2: because it's my biggest fear and I just never know
Speaker 2: what to say and nothing I say will be good enough.
Speaker 2: And also I feel like I can't get out of
Speaker 2: comforting this person. You can't be listening to someone cry
Speaker 2: about losing their mom on the phone and then go
Speaker 2: I have to actually go to the grocery store, or
Speaker 2: like I need to go work out, like I can't.
Speaker 2: I know I can do that, I don't see away.
Speaker 2: I feel very trapped. So I recently, instead of ignoring
Speaker 2: the person like I used to and just not sending
Speaker 2: anything because I know that I can't do that for them,
Speaker 2: I just wrote a message. It was very hard for me,
Speaker 2: and that this is me. Oh, it's so hard for
Speaker 2: me comforting my friend who lost a parent. But I
Speaker 2: wrote to them, I am thinking about you every day,
Speaker 2: which is true. I love you so much. I can't
Speaker 2: imagine what you're going through. Just know that I love you,
Speaker 2: and I did not rise. I almost wrote I'm here
Speaker 2: for you if you need it, I'm always here, but
Speaker 2: I did not write that because the truth is I'm not.
Speaker 2: I can't handle that person's grief right now, and I
Speaker 2: can't handle that's because you are supposed to. It's right.
Speaker 2: It's like.
Speaker 1: No, no, does this go hand in hand with with
Speaker 1: what you were talking about in the first segment and
Speaker 1: not feeling good about being average, where a part of
Speaker 1: you feels like you need to help this person find closure,
Speaker 1: and you know, just go up to like one hundred
Speaker 1: percent with what you're doing. Yeah, possibly it's a perfectionist
Speaker 1: type thing, but it's also it's it's that this person.
Speaker 1: I I don't want to leave this person if they're
Speaker 1: so sad. And I think that sometimes people can depend
Speaker 1: on me. I have gotten into situations where people depend
Speaker 1: on me emotionally too much, and I start to that's
Speaker 1: when I shut down, and then I become cruel and
Speaker 1: I will go someone because I can't handle hearing about
Speaker 1: this thing they're going through, whether they lost it, Like
Speaker 1: I just I don't do well with people's grief, and
Speaker 1: I think it's because I just feel like it's.
Speaker 2: What are those sand traps? Like a yeah, like a
Speaker 2: sand trap that you get caught in and you'll never
Speaker 2: get out of. Like have you ever yeah, quickstand, have
Speaker 2: you ever comforted someone when they're losing someone and you
Speaker 2: just feel like you can't get off the phone and
Speaker 2: there's it's never gonna be enough, There's there's no closure
Speaker 2: to comforting someone with a parent.
Speaker 4: Are emotional vampires, and that needs to be called just like,
Speaker 4: let's just say it. Some people really do go through stuff,
Speaker 4: But then there are other people and they might not
Speaker 4: have even lost a parent. You cannot get off the
Speaker 4: phone with them for an hour and then you'll say,
Speaker 4: I hate to do this, I got to run. I
Speaker 4: have a thing, and they're like, yeah, really quick, one
Speaker 4: more thing I wanted to ask you about. And it's like,
Speaker 4: I've had people like this in my life where they
Speaker 4: need four warnings before I actually get off the phone.
Speaker 4: Those people are my vampires.
Speaker 2: Don't understand these people. We were watching Couples Therapy the
Speaker 2: other night.
Speaker 4: On Hulu showtime.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's the show where it's a show where couples
Speaker 2: go and talk to this woman what's her name, Anya,
Speaker 2: Sorry she is a couple or not couple's therapists. Couples
Speaker 2: go to her. They like show their whole session. It's
Speaker 2: very fascinating. Brian, I think you'd like the show. I'd
Speaker 2: like to get your thoughts on it. But they you
Speaker 2: watch these couples like go through all these hard times.
Speaker 2: It's very honest and it's just fascinating. Anyway, a lot
Speaker 2: of times these couples and I've been in couple's therapy too,
Speaker 2: and Chris and I will just be it. We will
Speaker 2: just get onto something and it's times up and I
Speaker 2: am constantly looking at the time, and I am aware
Speaker 2: that our time is up, but I know that we
Speaker 2: and Chris will know it too. And as soon as
Speaker 2: she says like starts having kind of like you know,
Speaker 2: maybe putting away her notebook or like kind of like
Speaker 2: putting like picking up her phone or whatever to kind
Speaker 2: of signal this is like wrap it up, I instantly go, Okay,
Speaker 2: well next week, well we can leave this here, let's
Speaker 2: get to We'll see you next week. And I'm like,
Speaker 2: let me get out of your hair. I don't ever
Speaker 2: want to be someplace where someone is where I'm taking
Speaker 2: advantage and getting more of their time than the time allotted.
Speaker 2: And there's a couple on the show where she'll like
Speaker 2: be like our time is up and they'll keep going.
Speaker 2: I could not relate to someone more than if they
Speaker 2: kicked their dog and they littered on the street, Like
Speaker 2: that is the same kind of That's how little I
Speaker 2: could ever relate to once or I or if you
Speaker 2: if a store is closing and you go in five
Speaker 2: minutes before you show up and you go, are you
Speaker 2: guys still open? I would never do that ever, because
Speaker 2: these people don't want to be there anymore. They hate
Speaker 2: you and you're done.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I used to work in a deli and an
Speaker 3: hour before right now, remember the deli. I used to
Speaker 3: work in a deli. In the hour before we close,
Speaker 3: we'd clean everything up, and the one thing you would
Speaker 3: clean is the slicers that slice the meat. And then
Speaker 3: sometimes people will come in and be like, are the
Speaker 3: slicers closed, and we'd say, oh, yeah, we just we
Speaker 3: just cleaned them. And I'm like, but it's only seven
Speaker 3: forty five and it's not an hour before you close.
Speaker 3: And then they make us put the slicers back together
Speaker 3: and slice the meat. And if you think you're getting
Speaker 3: good sliced meat at that point in mind.
Speaker 2: I just like, don't want to be somewhere I know
Speaker 2: that someone doesn't want me, and that's why I don't like.
Speaker 2: I don't even like sometimes going on people's pot This
Speaker 2: comes back to the podcast thing. I don't like going
Speaker 2: on people's podcasts because I know sometimes they their book
Speaker 2: or booked me, and they really don't even want to
Speaker 2: be interviewing me. They don't want to do research on me,
Speaker 2: they don't have any interest in talking to me. It's
Speaker 2: just an obligation and it makes me want to jump
Speaker 2: out of my skin, whereas some people are like I
Speaker 2: deserve to be here. I'm a cool person. You should
Speaker 2: be lucky you're talking to me. I wish I could
Speaker 2: be like that.
Speaker 3: Sometimes you just don't feel that way because there's a
Speaker 3: lot of situations where you're like a pleasure, Like people
Speaker 3: are like would love to have you. Having you there
Speaker 3: is like a great what's the word a great boon? Yeah,
Speaker 3: like if you do someone's if you did someone's like
Speaker 3: random show, that would be like an amazing like get
Speaker 3: for them because you don't feel good about that.
Speaker 2: Well, when I'm a good get, but when it's someone
Speaker 2: who's a little bit more famous than me, and I realize,
Speaker 2: like reading about me would be that like I've had
Speaker 2: to prepare for people that I'm like, who is this part?
Speaker 2: Like I don't ever want to be a burden for someone.
Speaker 4: I was thinking I couldeel like you, and then I
Speaker 4: was like, I do relate. If there's a party and
Speaker 4: there's a guitar and someone out of let's say there's
Speaker 4: a fifteen person party and one of the people goes.
Speaker 2: Anya, will you play a song please?
Speaker 4: I'm in hell because I'm like, I guarantee not all
Speaker 4: of these fifteen people want to be hijacked by a
Speaker 4: chick with their guitar, and I don't even want to play.
Speaker 4: And I'm just like, like, if all fifteen were like, yes, please,
Speaker 4: we're fans, play this one song, I might get into it.
Speaker 4: But ye, that to me is hell. And that's when
Speaker 4: I start assuming things that I don't know to be true.
Speaker 4: And that's what you're doing. You're creating an assumption in
Speaker 4: your mind and you're believing it. They don't worry here,
Speaker 4: but that's a story. Yes, that's a depressed right person's story.
Speaker 2: Person's outlook, and that's what I'm dealing with right now.
Speaker 2: And I went to that voice lesson after my my
Speaker 2: uh therapy, and I knew he wouldn't make me sing
Speaker 2: because I was just not I was just like on
Speaker 2: the brink of crying every two seconds and just feeling
Speaker 2: like I'm just average. I don't want to be and
Speaker 2: you can't lie to me anymore and say that I'm special.
Speaker 2: And he was just like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2: But he just talked to me about I love you.
Speaker 2: He's said something that really resonated with me. Anya met
Speaker 2: him ONNYA and I went to a voice lesson with
Speaker 2: so good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, a depressed person that things are good? How long
Speaker 3: are you being depressed for? Not? Not total?
Speaker 2: This week isn't about a week?
Speaker 3: About a week because like depression comes in wave like
Speaker 3: it's like it's you have a cold. You're just depressed
Speaker 3: for a while, and at a certain point, your brain's
Speaker 3: gonna be like what the fuck am I doing?
Speaker 2: It's gonna stay it away, Yes, And it totally happens
Speaker 2: like that. You just wake up one morning You're like,
Speaker 2: I'm not sick anymore. Like it's it really is. I
Speaker 2: wish it was looked at as like a cold, because
Speaker 2: everyone seems to get on board with people just coming
Speaker 2: down with something and being kind of like not the
Speaker 2: greatest to be around. Yeah, but when you're depressed, it's
Speaker 2: just like, no, what do you have to be depressed bout.
Speaker 2: It's like, I don't know, my brain caught a disease.
Speaker 2: It's just in that state this week, and I know
Speaker 2: it's not true, and yeah it's I mean, it's not
Speaker 2: as bad as it usually gets. I'm like usually pretty
Speaker 2: catatonic and really like mean and making everyone around me
Speaker 2: completely miserable. And I've tried not to do that. This time,
Speaker 2: but it's you know, I'm a little bit better about it.
Speaker 3: And but when you're sick, you can wear a scarf
Speaker 3: and you can have tea and then you can yes
Speaker 3: sniffles and everyone's like, oh, that person is sick. When
Speaker 3: you're depressed, it's not like you can dress emo and
Speaker 3: start walking around with.
Speaker 2: Like, my face looks fucked what. I'm depressed though, like everything.
Speaker 2: That's why I'm wearing sunglasses today. My eyes are puffy,
Speaker 2: not from crying, just from like being sad, and like
Speaker 2: everything on my face is kind of pulled down. I've
Speaker 2: been sleeping too much, so my face is like pillow
Speaker 2: indense in it, and like, I just you know, when
Speaker 2: I'm depressed, my dreams are a vacation. They're like you
Speaker 2: know Nick Griffin joke, like sleeping is or naps are
Speaker 2: mini suicides, like you just get to like disappear. And
Speaker 2: I love sleeping when I'm depressed. I love it. It's like
Speaker 2: this dream world where everything can happen. There's all these possibilities.
Speaker 2: I'm not myself and yeah, it's just but I realize
Speaker 2: from reading all of my suicide books, I am not
Speaker 2: alone with feeling this way, and there are many people
Speaker 2: out there. It's like half of people struggle with suicidal tendencies.
Speaker 2: Half that's a statistic about like one tenth of people
Speaker 2: attempt it, and only one out of those ten actually,
Speaker 2: Like it's like this is a very common thing. I
Speaker 2: would say more people kill themselves and make it in
Speaker 2: the NBA every year.
Speaker 4: I think.
Speaker 2: It's like the suicide rate is fucking insane, and it's
Speaker 2: it's never something I'm gonna do in it, but it
Speaker 2: is something that I It's almost like saying, I just
Speaker 2: I know that my parachute is going to open on
Speaker 2: the way down, but I'd like to have that little
Speaker 2: extra one that I'm never gonna pull just in case,
Speaker 2: like it just isn't out, in case it gets too bad.
Speaker 2: You know, Like even though I would never do it,
Speaker 2: I'm never gonna why would I open that Parni hairhot
Speaker 2: knowing that I'd regret it right away? Because everyone that
Speaker 2: does regrets it right so right away. The fact that
Speaker 2: there is no proof that this life is gonna get
Speaker 2: better once I do it, Like it's like you're trying
Speaker 2: a lot of people commit suicide or want to commit
Speaker 2: suicide because they want to. They want to punish everyone
Speaker 2: around them. They want to show everyone something. It's like
Speaker 2: a you know, he actually covers it in this book
Speaker 2: called How to Not Kill Yourself. It's a very fascinating book,
Speaker 2: and I do recommend it to anyone who's maybe thought
Speaker 2: about it or like just interested in the subject of it.
Speaker 2: And it's actually he's making an argument for not doing it,
Speaker 2: but a lot of people do it too, go fuck
Speaker 2: you mom and dad, or like, this is mine, my
Speaker 2: desire to do it, I don't think about Oh. He
Speaker 2: kind of compares those people that think about if you
Speaker 2: think about what your funeral is gonna look like when
Speaker 2: you're dead, and like how everyone's gonna be crying and
Speaker 2: all that stuff, you're one of those people that's doing
Speaker 2: this for revenge and to like hurt people, and maybe
Speaker 2: not because you're so hurt. I mean, it's all about that.
Speaker 2: Mine is I can't keep doing this. It's just I'm exhausted.
Speaker 2: It's like when you are running when you have a
Speaker 2: goal in mind to run four miles and you're in
Speaker 2: mile one and you go, how the fuck am I
Speaker 2: gonna do three more? I mean, this is just something
Speaker 2: I relate to because I'm always have the goal of
Speaker 2: four miles, and I know I can do the four miles.
Speaker 2: I've done it before. I did it yesterday, and you
Speaker 2: just go, how am I gonna do it? You just
Speaker 2: think it never ends. That's why I don't want kids,
Speaker 2: because kids never end. At least if I'm in the
Speaker 2: middle of shooting f Boy Il, which is coming up,
Speaker 2: and I'm very excited about reason to live. If I'm
Speaker 2: shooting f Boy Island and it's a really hard shoot,
Speaker 2: there is an end to it in sight. It's three
Speaker 2: weeks away, it's eight weeks away. Kids, it's eighteen years.
Speaker 2: I myself am not strong enough to sign up for
Speaker 2: something that is endless, Like, yeah, eighteen years. Even with marriage,
Speaker 2: there's a dipcomatic.
Speaker 4: And they want to move back in your house, or
Speaker 4: they want to take your money, or they shoot you.
Speaker 2: Yes, I went yes, sar. So I have to say
Speaker 2: to people that I have kids, I am I think
Speaker 2: you are in No, You're absolutely right. They can become
Speaker 2: completely dependent on you, and they're really they say, they
Speaker 2: say eighteen years old is like the cutoff, but most
Speaker 2: parents do not cut off their kids at eighteen. They're
Speaker 2: not like heartless banks, you know, like this is there
Speaker 2: is like it goes beyond that, and so I really
Speaker 2: give it up to parents for taking that chance that
Speaker 2: you are going to have to do. So you're committing
Speaker 2: to something that will never end for you, even after
Speaker 2: you were always a parent, you were always going to
Speaker 2: love something so much and worry about something so much
Speaker 2: and have to stick around for something so much. So
Speaker 2: before we go to break mine is just like I
Speaker 2: just am too tired and like I can't do this anymore,
Speaker 2: and it's too pain, like you want the pain to stop.
Speaker 2: So those are the two different kinds. But I would
Speaker 2: never do it because I read something last night and
Speaker 2: it's like I am pretty certain there's not an afterlife.
Speaker 2: I feel like your spirit like might live on in
Speaker 2: some kind of like realm or something. I don't think
Speaker 2: that's like I keep living and like walking around in
Speaker 2: the clouds with other people, but I there's no guarantee
Speaker 2: that it's going to be better. I might just be
Speaker 2: signing up for a shittier version of light. And like
Speaker 2: the one I have is by all accounts extremely good,
Speaker 2: like compared to Yeah, I could have been to him.
Speaker 2: I'm very lucky. So and I always realized that it's
Speaker 2: I've never once thought I want to die and then
Speaker 2: not been able to get over that feeling and be
Speaker 2: able to not relate to that feeling at all. There
Speaker 2: always is a moment where I won't relate to the feeling.
Speaker 2: That feeling might come back, but I always will get
Speaker 2: over it, and so it never It isn't lasting forever.
Speaker 2: So that really is what stops me, is that this
Speaker 2: can be a little fantasy of mine, but it's never
Speaker 2: going to be something I do because I would never again.
Speaker 2: I would never commit to something that lasts forever, and
Speaker 2: suicide is forever, much like kids suicide or it's called
Speaker 2: what is it called now, taking your suicide, dying by suicide,
Speaker 2: because you're not supposed to make it like they did
Speaker 2: something they can't help that they killed themselves. No one
Speaker 2: would want to do that, so it's not their fault.
Speaker 2: But what I got to is the same reason I
Speaker 2: don't want to have kids, the same reason I don't
Speaker 2: want to kill myself. I don't want to do anything
Speaker 2: that is forever that I might regret.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they should do like a love is blind, where
Speaker 3: it's like but death is mute, and at the end
Speaker 3: you have to decide whether or not you're gonna kill yourself.
Speaker 2: Death is mute.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like instead of deciding you're get married to someone
Speaker 3: and you're you're just talking into a mirror for six
Speaker 3: weeks and then at the end you decide whether or
Speaker 3: not you're gonna kill yourself.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I love like squid Game.
Speaker 3: Yeah, brilliant. Death is mute?
Speaker 2: But why death is mute?
Speaker 3: Because like love is blind. I'm just trying to right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I see what you're doing there. Let's let's
Speaker 2: talk more about this or maybe less when we get
Speaker 2: back up to this. So then I went to this
Speaker 2: so to scrap this up, because come on, nick, I
Speaker 2: went to the voice lesson yesterday and he was just
Speaker 2: he said to me, because I was talking about all
Speaker 2: these you know, I don't know what I want to
Speaker 2: do with my career anymore. Because I gotta be honest
Speaker 2: with you, all the things I think I want, I
Speaker 2: don't really want to do all the things it takes
Speaker 2: to get that, you know, Like sometimes I watch Succession,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I should do a show like Succession. Do
Speaker 2: you know what that takes? Do you know how hard
Speaker 2: it is? First of all, you have to pitch a
Speaker 2: show to like eight networks, and when you go pitch
Speaker 2: a show, which is one of the most annoying processes ever.
Speaker 2: You have to go sit on Zoom with a bunch
Speaker 2: of executives and then pitch a show, and then they
Speaker 2: have to ask questions afterwards. And not only you have
Speaker 2: to pitch a show, you have to practice pitching the
Speaker 2: show before the show. So for every meeting you have
Speaker 2: to pitch it, you have to practice and pitch it
Speaker 2: to fake people with the people that you're pitching with,
Speaker 2: and then you go in and pitch it's it's I know,
Speaker 2: this doesn't sound that bad. It's the thing I hate
Speaker 2: more than anything in the world. And I've pitched, you know, hundreds,
Speaker 2: I've been maybe dozens of pitch meetings in my life.
Speaker 2: And then you have to write it, and then you
Speaker 2: have to deal with the network giving you notes, and
Speaker 2: then you got to rewrite it and you got to
Speaker 2: take out stuff you really loved because the network doesn't
Speaker 2: feel like that's really what they want. So a few
Speaker 2: people have a Luis Ck two thousand and fifteen deal
Speaker 2: where you get to do whatever you want and the
Speaker 2: network doesn't bother you. That literally has never happened, so
Speaker 2: anything that you think you're going to make ends up
Speaker 2: being bastardized and uh with tons of other voices. Then
Speaker 2: you got to go make it, and you got to
Speaker 2: sit in the trailer all day. And it's like I
Speaker 2: realized that, you know, I've talked about this before. I'm
Speaker 2: someone who always wants things that I like that I
Speaker 2: I just want the thing. I don't want to do
Speaker 2: the work that gets to it. And I also want
Speaker 2: things that I actually don't want. I just want to
Speaker 2: be someone who would want them, you know, like I want,
Speaker 2: I wish, I I really wish I threw dinner parties. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I cook, yes, same, But I don't like any of
Speaker 2: the things that that entails you. They don't care about cooking.
Speaker 3: You don't want to talk to the people when they
Speaker 3: get there.
Speaker 2: I don't want to hug them when they walk in
Speaker 2: the door. I want them to leave. When I'm ready
Speaker 2: for them to leave, I don't want them to I
Speaker 2: don't Nikki knows how to set up a good hang you.
Speaker 2: I love setting up hags. I love ordering from places
Speaker 2: to like everyone eat like. I love putting together Postmates.
Speaker 1: Or Yeah, when we were in Palm Springs together on
Speaker 1: the Girl's Trip. One of the highlight meals was like
Speaker 1: all the stuff you picked from Whole Foods, like all
Speaker 1: the sushi and stuff, and you and Sara Lena set
Speaker 1: it up together.
Speaker 2: Yes, and Sarah Lena set the plates because she made
Speaker 2: it look nice. I would have just had us eating
Speaker 2: out of the things. But like I wish I looked
Speaker 2: at cerely doing that. I was like, I wish I
Speaker 2: was good at that. It's like, but I'm not. Why
Speaker 2: do I want to be good at some Why do
Speaker 2: I I don't like doing that? She likes doing it.
Speaker 3: I love the process whatever. There are things you love
Speaker 3: doing and you do them, and you do them over
Speaker 3: and over again, and you have to not look at
Speaker 3: the outcome. You have to look at at doing it,
Speaker 3: which is like life.
Speaker 2: You enjoy the process.
Speaker 3: Doing it is what you brings you joy. Like you
Speaker 3: love getting on stage and doing stand up. That's why
Speaker 3: you do it over and over and over again.
Speaker 2: Yes, I like writing jokes. I like coming up with
Speaker 2: funny ways to present, to synthesize a bigger idea. I
Speaker 2: like to make it in a like small little package.
Speaker 2: I like getting those last You enjoy that process. But
Speaker 2: there's so many things I want in life where I
Speaker 2: don't enjoy any of the process, and I keep hitting
Speaker 2: these walls of like I want this, But then I
Speaker 2: think about doing and I'm like, what if I started
Speaker 2: from a place of And I shared this on the
Speaker 2: Girls Chat because Michael Rochio, my teacher, helped me get
Speaker 2: to it. What if you focus on the things that
Speaker 2: you actually like doing, like what interests you like, not
Speaker 2: things that can make you money, that you like doing,
Speaker 2: What do you like what do you enjoy doing now?
Speaker 2: And also what what brings you joy? And then also
Speaker 2: what are you good at, like what are you just
Speaker 2: naturally inclined to do? Make a list of both of
Speaker 2: those things. See if any of them overlap, because quite
Speaker 2: often they do. We like doing things we're good at.
Speaker 2: We are good at things that we like doing because
Speaker 2: there's we're not judging it as much because you're enjoying it,
Speaker 2: so it's enjoyable. And this you don't put pressure on yourself,
Speaker 2: So you're probably good at it, because putting pressure on
Speaker 2: yourself gets in the way of actual you know, merit,
Speaker 2: I think a lot of times, and so you're probably
Speaker 2: good at the thing. And then do that and I
Speaker 2: know a lot of people are like, well, I can't.
Speaker 2: I have to do administrative work for my job. I
Speaker 2: can't always just not everyone could do what they love.
Speaker 2: But I mean even in your free time, like do
Speaker 2: just do things that make you happy and stop feeling
Speaker 2: bad about the things you like? Purpose? Yes, Oh, what
Speaker 2: do you mean? I think that is what like what
Speaker 2: you're saying.
Speaker 1: I think is what therapists say is purpose, like find
Speaker 1: your purpose, find the things that are not like money driven,
Speaker 1: just things that make you happy.
Speaker 2: And it could be anything.
Speaker 3: I just think it's the word purpose that that that
Speaker 3: catches me because it's like when you say purpose, it's
Speaker 3: like some grand thing when it's really is like, oh,
Speaker 3: just figure out what it is you want to do
Speaker 3: and do it, because that's all that matters. There is
Speaker 3: nothing you do actually matters. But when you call it
Speaker 3: a purpose, it's like God has bestowed this.
Speaker 2: Purpose means that it's something you're giving to the world,
Speaker 2: that you're trying to make the world a better that
Speaker 2: you do make the world a better place, whether others
Speaker 2: enjoy what you do or you know you're not taking
Speaker 2: from the world. Yes, and that is purpose.
Speaker 3: Like any people who just consume.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and just some of those people.
Speaker 3: Well, you give back, But there are some people who
Speaker 3: just their whole lives is just eating and doing and
Speaker 3: never never do, never providing me.
Speaker 2: That's why I say, why are those people? What gets
Speaker 2: those people out of bed in the morning?
Speaker 3: You're happy? Why have they go into a costa Rica?
Speaker 2: And when they don't create anything? They don't put anything
Speaker 2: out there? Like how could your life be happy? I
Speaker 2: get mad because I see people whose lives to me
Speaker 2: look like shit and they're happy, and I'm like, why
Speaker 2: am I not happy? What I am doing? Purpose driven work?
Speaker 2: What what is the disconnect? I wish? And I think
Speaker 2: ignorance is bliss. I mean some of those people just
Speaker 2: aren't intelligent, and that's like, not that's not me being
Speaker 2: like I'm so smart because I'm very lacking in intelligence.
Speaker 2: It's it's uh, it's embarrassing sometimes how dom I can be.
Speaker 2: So that's not a it's just a fact some people
Speaker 2: are less intelligent, and so they just maybe that's it.
Speaker 2: I just I am trying. So then anyway, my teacher said,
Speaker 2: no one gets out of this alive, because I was
Speaker 2: talking about how I think the real thing that prevents
Speaker 2: me from doing the things I really want to do
Speaker 2: is the judgment of others, whether it's people in the
Speaker 2: reddit thread about me, like I I know there is
Speaker 2: a subreddit that constantly critiques and goes over what is
Speaker 2: going on with me. There there's gonna be a whole
Speaker 2: fucking post about this episode. For sure, she's suffering, she's
Speaker 2: doing like judgment, there's all of the And I I
Speaker 2: also as someone who critiques Taylor Swift's emotional state all
Speaker 2: the time and thinks, I know things like I feel
Speaker 2: really bad even contributing to that, because it's just so
Speaker 2: shitty to have people talking about you behind your back
Speaker 2: and like worrying about you and like and they don't
Speaker 2: even know you, and fake worrying, like not really worrying,
Speaker 2: just being judgmental. But I so often just worry what
Speaker 2: people are gonna think about me all the time. And
Speaker 2: even John mulaney special where he said he you know,
Speaker 2: so much of his special was about caring what other
Speaker 2: people think of him, And it's such an ugly place
Speaker 2: to live from and I just don't want to do
Speaker 2: it anymore. But at the same time, you if you
Speaker 2: live a life of not caring what anyone thinks, you're
Speaker 2: gonna be a piece of shit, you know, like you're
Speaker 2: gonna You're gonna just do everything you want to do
Speaker 2: and not care about anyone else. So where where's the
Speaker 2: happy medium? Because my teacher really got into my head
Speaker 2: about like no one, anyone who could judge you, is
Speaker 2: gonna die someday. Their opinion doesn't matter. Every nothing, no
Speaker 2: opinion about you is anything more than just this thing
Speaker 2: that's gonna not exist someday, So it doesn't matter. It's
Speaker 2: nothing gonna last. It's like your legacy will be you
Speaker 2: will not be remembered, just like everyone else and everyone
Speaker 2: who has an opinion about you will be dead. And
Speaker 2: that gives me comfort sometimes. But I wish I was
Speaker 2: someone that didn't care what people thought and could just
Speaker 2: do what I want. But I guess I care what
Speaker 2: I think. You know. I think that's what stops me
Speaker 2: is that I think some of the things that I
Speaker 2: enjoy doing are really lame. And I look at it
Speaker 2: and I go, God, she is just so cool, like
Speaker 2: cringe stuff, you know, Like my ideal world would be
Speaker 2: like anytime I had a thought about Taylor Swift, I
Speaker 2: would make a TikTok about it and be like and
Speaker 2: then this song really like I would do. I would
Speaker 2: do a podcast about every song of hers and offer
Speaker 2: my analysis take on it and how it emotionally like
Speaker 2: lights me up inside. And I would. I would, That's
Speaker 2: what I would do. I don't do it because because
Speaker 2: I'm thirty nine in one.
Speaker 4: Month, there's a lot of thirty nine year olds doing that.
Speaker 4: When I was thirty nine, that was not cool. But
Speaker 4: we live in a new world now where that is
Speaker 4: totally acceptable and financially lucrative as well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I also don't, Okay, I would maybe post more
Speaker 2: videos on Instagram, just like funny things, but I I
Speaker 2: look I that would require me to put on makeup
Speaker 2: to make myself look good enough for myself, you know,
Speaker 2: Like I I don't like when I don't look good.
Speaker 2: And so that's do you know how much content I
Speaker 2: don't put out because I'm just not wearing a cute
Speaker 2: outfit or because I just don't my makeup. Isn't I
Speaker 2: look ugly that day? It's like innumerable, the amount of stuff.
Speaker 2: I can't even imagine the content I left on the
Speaker 2: floor because I just don't look good in a photo
Speaker 2: or I don't, you know, And that makes me so
Speaker 2: sad because if I didn't. If I really didn't care
Speaker 2: what I thought about myself and what others thought about myself,
Speaker 2: I could do so much more. It's holding me back
Speaker 2: so much. So I want to do an experiment where
Speaker 2: I don't care what anyone thinks at all ever, But
Speaker 2: then I'm also like, do I really want that? Because
Speaker 2: then I'd just be a complete piece of shit, because
Speaker 2: me caring about what other people think is what makes
Speaker 2: me compassionate and care about others Oftentimes.
Speaker 4: Well, I think there's a difference between operating from a
Speaker 4: place of fear and operating from a place of authenticity.
Speaker 4: Like you don't want to be not doing things because
Speaker 4: you're afraid of judgment, you know you.
Speaker 2: But a lot of the things I would put out
Speaker 2: would be to get people to like me more. So
Speaker 2: then if I don't care what people think, the content
Speaker 2: doesn't exist in the first place.
Speaker 4: Just do anything from that place, like think about.
Speaker 2: And I would lay in bed all day long and
Speaker 2: do nothing like that.
Speaker 4: Groom and podcasts you referred me to with Barry Weisse,
Speaker 4: honestly because he talks about the thing I've always been
Speaker 4: afraid of. By the way you guys were talking about,
Speaker 4: like having a purpose my errape is mission, Like what
Speaker 4: is your mission? And sell felt books always talk about that,
Speaker 4: and he said, finally someone said this, like, it's not
Speaker 4: important for a songwriter to want to save the world
Speaker 4: or help the world. I always thought every songwriter that's
Speaker 4: successful wants to save the world or help humanity. He's like, no, really, yeah,
Speaker 4: I always because I always say that in interviews. They're like,
Speaker 4: the reason I do this is I just want to
Speaker 4: connect with people and help people. That's why I do this.
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I say, well, why do you do it?
Speaker 2: Well, I do it because of what Rick Rubin hit
Speaker 2: on it.
Speaker 4: He was like, you should be doing these things for
Speaker 4: yourself because you enjoy it, and it's like a bonus.
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm paraphrasing. I don't know exactly what he said,
Speaker 4: but I think that was it because I felt so
Speaker 4: much relief. I was like, Okay, God, I got a
Speaker 4: piece of shit.
Speaker 2: No you're not, because any you're right, Brian. Anyone that
Speaker 2: says that is kind of lying. And and if they
Speaker 2: do get off on the idea of helping other people,
Speaker 2: they're still doing it for themselves to feel good.
Speaker 3: Nobody's doing the joy. Nobody's doing anything to help the world.
Speaker 2: I don't know about that.
Speaker 3: They're all doing it for themselves. I agree, ultimately, otherwise
Speaker 3: they would go to help the world. Yeah, it makes
Speaker 3: them feel good and they're like, I'm helping the world. And
Speaker 3: then the people who talk in their interviews, the musicians
Speaker 3: who are like, I just want my music to touch
Speaker 3: the people of Africa or whatever the fuck they say,
Speaker 3: they're lying. They're they're just saying that because they don't
Speaker 3: want to say the truth, which is like I like getting,
Speaker 3: you know, blow jobs and stuff. That's what they want
Speaker 3: to say. I like getting blow jobs. It's what they
Speaker 3: want to say. They don't want to help people.
Speaker 2: Comedians who say they love to make people laugh, Yeah,
Speaker 2: get fucking break, Go out of here.
Speaker 3: Go go drive a bus off a bridge.
Speaker 2: Can I guess why do you say to it?
Speaker 4: Because I don't know what you're gonna say, Well, you
Speaker 4: used to do.
Speaker 2: We've covered this many times.
Speaker 3: I think John Mulaney said it literally special Okay, I
Speaker 3: was going to guess.
Speaker 4: That you guys do it because you're trying to make
Speaker 4: sense of the world and you're processing it. It's like
Speaker 4: you're therapy.
Speaker 2: Oh, you want people to like us.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we go. I need someone to look at me
Speaker 3: because when I was when I was a little kid,
Speaker 3: people I was either the youngest child or I was
Speaker 3: the middle child, and people didn't pay attention to me,
Speaker 3: or I got bullied and I had to.
Speaker 2: Be I was the oldest, but yeah.
Speaker 3: Or whatever it is, they didn't pay attention to your enough.
Speaker 3: And so the only thing you could do when you
Speaker 3: were a kid to make you to give yourself any
Speaker 3: self worth is to make people laugh and that. And
Speaker 3: now you're just taking that and putting it on school
Speaker 3: because you need that.
Speaker 2: I would be a singer if I was good at sick.
Speaker 2: I tried everything till I got to stand up and
Speaker 2: I go, oh, okay, I guess I'm good at this.
Speaker 2: I'll do this forever because I didn't have any other talent.
Speaker 2: But all I wanted was to perform and have people
Speaker 2: watch me and go, wow, she's good. And now I
Speaker 2: definitely feel amazing when I just met a fan, Talia
Speaker 2: at Starbucks, and then I met another fan who was
Speaker 2: my barista Lauren at Starbucks this morning, and they were
Speaker 2: thanking me for being so brave and just saying what
Speaker 2: I wanted and not worrying what other people thought, and
Speaker 2: that is a huge benefit to the thing that I
Speaker 2: already do. You know, Listen, I'm not sharing about my
Speaker 2: food eat and my eating at night, which is humiliating
Speaker 2: to me and a shameful thing I do. I'm doing
Speaker 2: that not to that doesn't make me feel better. To
Speaker 2: be honest with you, that wasn't performative. I feel kind
Speaker 2: of sick to my stomach from even sharing that because
Speaker 2: I know people are going to talk about it and
Speaker 2: worry about me. And you know, not everyone, but I
Speaker 2: think that some people will, and that really grosses me out,
Speaker 2: and like the whole pity thing, like, oh, she's struggling,
Speaker 2: she thinks about suicide. I do it because I I
Speaker 2: really do think that there are people out there that
Speaker 2: struggle with that, like me in the past, that have
Speaker 2: never heard someone who they might look up to who
Speaker 2: has the same thing. And that is why I do it.
Speaker 2: I do do it, but I do it for little
Speaker 2: Nicky who used to feel like no one else struggle
Speaker 2: with the thing she struggles with. So it ultimately is
Speaker 2: a selfish thing because I used to be that and
Speaker 2: think I'm alone. No one else has this fucking thing,
Speaker 2: So I do do it for other people because I
Speaker 2: don't want anyone to ever feel alone like that. But
Speaker 2: I also do it because I get really good positive
Speaker 2: feedback from people who say that I do help them,
Speaker 2: and that makes me feel good. So ultimately it is
Speaker 2: a selfish endeavor.
Speaker 3: Final thought, I'm interested in piece of shit, Nikki. I
Speaker 3: think there should be a safe space where people can
Speaker 3: go and just be a piece of shit for like
Speaker 3: an hour, where you can go there's like a person
Speaker 3: at you know, you can go into a fake like
Speaker 3: restaurant and be a piece of shit to the purse,
Speaker 3: to the waitress or whatever. You can say, give me
Speaker 3: a fucking water, and then you can go talk to
Speaker 3: you a doctor or whatever and give me a shit
Speaker 3: to them, and then you could I think it would
Speaker 3: be a worthwhile venture to start a piece of shit
Speaker 3: safe space.
Speaker 4: It's called a rose Okay, that's why you guys are comics.
Speaker 2: Honestly. This it's called being in your car and having
Speaker 2: road rage. Yesterday I had so much road rage. Way
Speaker 2: do you guys hear this? I'm gonna play the voice
Speaker 2: Memoi left. I had just gotten done sending a message
Speaker 2: about like you know what, I'm just gonna live like
Speaker 2: you know, I don't care what anyone else thinks, like
Speaker 2: life is short. And then this is what happened. Okay,
Speaker 2: this is fucking insane. This really happened. I was driving
Speaker 2: down the highway recording this. Don't worry, I just hit
Speaker 2: a button and I leave it. It's like I'm holding
Speaker 2: up to my face. I'm not texting. And I was
Speaker 2: on the highway and I took I was trying to
Speaker 2: get off on an exit and this person wouldn't let
Speaker 2: me over, seeing me knowing that if I can't go,
Speaker 2: oh right in front of them, I'm gonna miss the
Speaker 2: exit and have to go to the next one when
Speaker 2: I want to get off to this one. And they
Speaker 2: purposely sped up so that I did go. And this
Speaker 2: is what happened. This is what I do.
Speaker 3: So just let me over, you piece of shit.
Speaker 2: Wait? Fuck, why did it keep going? Everyone's just so
Speaker 2: good in this town.
Speaker 3: Rage.
Speaker 2: I feel so much better now. I probably won't eat. Okay,
Speaker 2: So I left my I honed my horn for that
Speaker 2: was probably seven seconds long, like or maybe four seconds long.
Speaker 2: It felt so good to let that person know that
Speaker 2: their piece of shit. Man, that felt good. I want
Speaker 2: to do it again. But I just wanted to go
Speaker 2: around town honking at people, like driving into things. I
Speaker 2: was so upset.
Speaker 1: But the other day I had so I don't have
Speaker 1: road rage, but I just wanted to, like, you know,
Speaker 1: like I'm just like a little bit angry, and I
Speaker 1: wanted to honk at someone. And I have never honked
Speaker 1: the horn of my RAB four. And when I did,
Speaker 1: it was the lightest, stupidest horn.
Speaker 2: It was like that, at least you have a good horn.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was. It's it's horn, It really was.
Speaker 2: It felt really good to do that, but it was
Speaker 2: just so ironic because I had just gotten done being
Speaker 2: like and I don't know, I'm just feeling a lot
Speaker 2: better and I just feel like I'm just not gonna
Speaker 2: care what people think anymore. And then I was like,
Speaker 2: what the fuck? You can't fucking get it? Just it
Speaker 2: just completely everyone in this It's so cuit to see
Speaker 2: someone try to get over and to purposely not let
Speaker 2: them over. But all you do is have to, like
Speaker 2: can everyone. I've stated this before in the podcast when
Speaker 2: you're driving. No offense to Matt. I've seen him do
Speaker 2: this too on the road. I see everyone who drives
Speaker 2: in a car with me do this. If someone makes
Speaker 2: a mistake next to you and needs to get over
Speaker 2: they've forgotten something, just let them over. Don't like get
Speaker 2: mad at them for a mistake they made. If they
Speaker 2: they're changing lanes and they accidentally go in your lane,
Speaker 2: instead of like honking like crazy, just realize they made
Speaker 2: a mistake, they corrected, and they don't need to actually like,
Speaker 2: they don't need to keep suffering. On top of that,
Speaker 2: and you might say, Nikki, why did you honk with
Speaker 2: that person because they purposely saw me and they made
Speaker 2: it so I couldn't get over, instead of what I
Speaker 2: have never once when I've been driving and someone accidentally
Speaker 2: like gets in my lane or kind of doesn't see
Speaker 2: me and pulls out too soon, I just slow down
Speaker 2: and let it happen. I don't like honk to let
Speaker 2: them know you just pulled out in front of me.
Speaker 2: They know they If it's on purpose, yeah I might honk,
Speaker 2: But if they we all know we accidentally, you just
Speaker 2: don't look one of the ways and you kind of
Speaker 2: like risk your life sometimes and you go, shit, I
Speaker 2: didn't even check it. I pulled out. They already know
Speaker 2: they did something wrong. Don't add to it. Do you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, you.
Speaker 3: Need that If that person open their window while you're
Speaker 3: hunging then and I said, I'm sorry, I've just decided
Speaker 3: to be a piece of shit today. You accept it.
Speaker 2: I would laugh so hard and love that person so much,
Speaker 2: and I would say, well, you're doing greatness.
Speaker 4: I don't know if I'll in this way anymore. When
Speaker 4: I was living there, it really is like port LANDI
Speaker 4: and everyone's just so fucking nice, and it's like, no, yeah,
Speaker 4: go you go. It's like a pedestrian walking across a
Speaker 4: fucking highway and you're like, why are you stopping on
Speaker 4: a four lane road to let this random pedestrian? And
Speaker 4: they're like, because I'm nice, go ahead.
Speaker 2: It's like, no, you're gonna kill this person.
Speaker 4: There's the opposite is true too, like too many nice
Speaker 4: people driving.
Speaker 2: When I'm trying to j walk and not in like
Speaker 2: a dangerous way. I'm waiting for like the and someone
Speaker 2: just stops in the middle of the road to let
Speaker 2: me go and go, this isn't a crosswalk. I'm doing
Speaker 2: the illegal thing. Don't you slow down for me? And
Speaker 2: then I have to like kind of that run in
Speaker 2: front of their car and bring my gate to a
Speaker 2: run and I don't want any of it. It's just
Speaker 2: like just keep everyone follow the rules, and if someone
Speaker 2: makes a mistake, just let them make a mistake and
Speaker 2: don't comment on it. Like we all. The only person
Speaker 2: that could ever honk it someone for making a mistake
Speaker 2: is someone who never makes mistakes. And if you're that
Speaker 2: kind of driver where you've never once pulled out accidentally
Speaker 2: too soon, or you've accidentally changed lanes and you didn't
Speaker 2: see someone in your periphery and they they and you
Speaker 2: almost hit them, just everyone's done it. So when someone
Speaker 2: does it to you, just slow down, let them change
Speaker 2: the lane right in front of you where they almost
Speaker 2: hit you. You saw them, Thank god you get to
Speaker 2: slow down. Just let them in and don't turn it
Speaker 2: into a whole thing where you are so put out.
Speaker 2: And I'm talking to men, men drivers. There are time
Speaker 2: down about other people.
Speaker 3: There are times worthy of a honk, Like if someone
Speaker 3: is fast and furious speeding and they cut you off,
Speaker 3: that's worthy of a honk.
Speaker 2: If somebody you know they're gone before they even hear it.
Speaker 3: I know, but you got off the people.
Speaker 4: We're having relationships with everyone on the road.
Speaker 2: I don't understand yeah, stuck. I hates me. Fuck you,
Speaker 2: I hate you too. That lady hates They don't hate you.
Speaker 2: They just accidentally changed lanes without looking. And they are stupid,
Speaker 2: but you like some sometimes they I'll be with a
Speaker 2: guy and they'll speed up to like make it more
Speaker 2: confusing for them, and it's like, just let stupid people
Speaker 2: be stupid and kind of navigate around them because you're
Speaker 2: smart and you don't need to like lay on to it,
Speaker 2: if that makes sense.
Speaker 3: You know what I hate when someone think when someone's
Speaker 3: behind me, We're in like traffic on the highway and
Speaker 3: someone's behind me and they think I'm going too slow,
Speaker 3: and then they go out of their way to go
Speaker 3: into the next lane and then get in front of me.
Speaker 3: And then they're just in front of me, also slow
Speaker 3: because it's traffic, and it's like, oh great, you're up
Speaker 3: there now in front of me. And so what I
Speaker 3: usually do is I try to get back in front
Speaker 3: of them, and then this is the whole war happened.
Speaker 2: No, this is what I'm saying, just let it go.
Speaker 3: No, I can't let them go because they have insulted me.
Speaker 3: They think I have a little boy.
Speaker 2: Have you ever had someone prove anything to you on
Speaker 2: the road. Have you ever as a driver had made
Speaker 2: a mistake and then gone, wow, that guy really set
Speaker 2: me straight. And I'm gonna leave lead a different life,
Speaker 2: and I'm gonna go home and I'm not gonna beat
Speaker 2: my kids. I am gonna feed my dog like nothing.
Speaker 2: If enough to anything.
Speaker 3: Good, I believe if I honk long enough and loud enough,
Speaker 3: I am saving children.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, yes, well I do believe me honking
Speaker 2: yesterday that guy. It was funny to me because it
Speaker 2: just went on way longer than it needed to, so
Speaker 2: there was no way. It just make them kind of
Speaker 2: go like get confused. What was that? Noah?
Speaker 1: I said, it gave us a great voicemail.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's true. Oh and I didn't even get
Speaker 2: to fan threats. What the fuck is wrong with me? Well,
Speaker 2: we have fan threks to get to. We're gonna save
Speaker 2: it for next week. We'll see you then. Thank you
Speaker 2: for listening to the podcast. We'll see you in Europe
Speaker 2: next next week. Very exciting. Thank you for listening. Dopica,
Speaker 2: And just let the person change enge in front of
Speaker 2: you and don't want them