1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this podcast on your iPhone, please 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: make sure to leave a five star review on the 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,160 Speaker 1: Apple podcast app. All you gotta do is just type 4 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: in my podcast the PhD Podcast grow to the bottom. 5 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: You'll see right a review. You can either write a 6 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,400 Speaker 1: review and leave a five star or you can just 7 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,959 Speaker 1: leave a five star. Support your home girl. Every little 8 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,480 Speaker 1: review counts. We are trying to grow the PSD podcast 9 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: and some bigger and better things, and I cannot do 10 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: it without your support. So thank you so much for 11 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: supporting me. And let's begin this week's episode later. Welcome, 12 00:00:32,400 --> 00:01:07,399 Speaker 1: you are now listening to the Professional for Sure. Hey guys, 13 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,800 Speaker 1: welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast. This 14 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 1: is your girl at eban A and as always, I 15 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:17,760 Speaker 1: am super excited about this week's episode. Um, before we begin, 16 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,400 Speaker 1: you know the routine, let's do a little housekeeping. Please 17 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,000 Speaker 1: make sure to follow me on Instagram at the Professional 18 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: home Girl, at the PSHD Podcast and last but not 19 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: least at eban a Beauty. Please make sure to follow 20 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: me on Twitter at th h E pH G Underscore. 21 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:34,240 Speaker 1: Make sure you show the web site some love at 22 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:38,320 Speaker 1: www dot the PhD podcast dot com, and last of 23 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: at least. If you have any questions, comments, or concern 24 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: please make sure to email me at Hello at the 25 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: PhD podcast dot com. Now, please keep in mind that 26 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: all of my guests are anonymous. So let's begin this 27 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: week's episode. So, to my guests, how are you feeling? 28 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 1: Pretty damn good, pretty blessed? Um? I just want to 29 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: say thank you for taking the time out of your 30 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: is the schedule the top of me about your inspiring journey. Um, 31 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: Like I told you this before when I first saw 32 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: your story, and it resonated with me so much so, 33 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure it's going to do the same 34 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 1: for our listeners. So thank you so much. You're very welcome. 35 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. So let's start from the 36 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,799 Speaker 1: very beginning, shall we. Yeah, let's do. So when were 37 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:29,959 Speaker 1: you introduced to ballet? I was introduced to ballet recreationally 38 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,959 Speaker 1: at about three years old, and then pre professionally at nine. 39 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:40,639 Speaker 1: That's when I started taking it more seriously. Talk to 40 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 1: your documentary on Hulu and at the age of eight, 41 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 1: you ask your mom if you can audition for our 42 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: ballet program and she said, no, that's not what black 43 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 1: girls do. That is corrected, and and actually, at the time, 44 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: I was auditioning or two art programs that were available 45 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 1: UM as after school options. She gave me permission to 46 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:14,359 Speaker 1: audition for the theater program, but not for the dance program. 47 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:19,519 Speaker 1: So I snuck an auditioned for the dance program, and 48 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: once I got accepted into it, that's when I shared 49 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: with her. But how did it make you feel at 50 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: the age of eight where she told you that, Um, 51 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: I was crushed because I could tell already at that 52 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: age that art was not something that was allowed to 53 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: be explored too much in our community. And I was 54 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 1: um fortunate enough to grow up with other black students 55 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 1: UM who were dancing whose parents supported it um more 56 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: at the time, So I it was it was very 57 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: disappointing to know that I'm I'm seeing black people do this, 58 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: I'm seeing other little black girls and little black boys 59 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 1: do this, but I'm being told that I can't because 60 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 1: of how you were raised. And um that's actually what 61 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:21,719 Speaker 1: prompted me to not only sneak and go on the audition, 62 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: but to also ask um my father UH for support 63 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: because my parents were divorced by that time, so I 64 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: kind of just had to be sneaky and go behind 65 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: um both of their backs actually to make my dream 66 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: come true. And then you was also bullied for attended 67 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: ballet classes and the kids were calling you a oreo. Yes, listen, 68 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,200 Speaker 1: I come from the hood in Baltimore and they but 69 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,719 Speaker 1: I would have to ride that bus, the school bus. 70 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 1: I'm not the school bus, but um public transportation from 71 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: school to dance class. And I would have my bad 72 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 1: l A tights on underneath of my uniform and I 73 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: would have a nappy bun because it wasn't nobody putting 74 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: my hand a fun for me because I was not 75 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: supposed to be going to bad Lake Lass, so presentation 76 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: was not all that important. But they tear my ass up. Girl. 77 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: They used to everything you could think of, tied with bleach, 78 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: low tide, high tide, all kinds they would they would 79 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 1: give it to me and um, so up until I 80 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,599 Speaker 1: actually got accepted into performing art school. That's a lot 81 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:37,160 Speaker 1: of the ridicule that I was faced with learning UM 82 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: that I was going to be UM considered an outcast 83 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,839 Speaker 1: because I had an interest in something that nobody else 84 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: was exposed to you in my neighborhood, in my community. 85 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:52,840 Speaker 1: M hmm. What made you fall in love about that 86 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 1: because throughout your documentary, I can't really tell how much 87 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: you really love it. Oh man, UM, the great is 88 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: the elegant and the opportunity just to get lost in 89 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: movement when you have choreography or combinations to recall, it's 90 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:18,599 Speaker 1: a moment where you get to focus solely on UM 91 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:25,039 Speaker 1: expression using movement and growing up. UM. Even before I 92 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:30,719 Speaker 1: understood what what anxiety was, I dealing with anxiety issues. 93 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 1: So I was the little girl who I would have 94 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: a back backpack full of birthday invitations. But it wouldn't 95 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: be until my father went through my backpack that he 96 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: saw that I missed three or four birthday parties that 97 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: I was invited to. But somehow I convinced myself that 98 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:50,599 Speaker 1: you know, nobody actually wanted me to be there, and Um, 99 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: because I was dealing with these type of issues at 100 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: such a young age, it was just such a great 101 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: escape from reality for me and it gave me the 102 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:07,599 Speaker 1: ability to be able to focus on something outside of 103 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: what my normal life was. Where did those issues come 104 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 1: from it at a young age? Honestly, UM, I think 105 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: it's a lot of disappointment that was projected from UM. 106 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,840 Speaker 1: Other people in my family, other people in my life, 107 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: other women in my life who watched me developed this 108 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: interest in art and in a classical discipline. Um, and 109 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 1: I think that there was jealousy that that developed. I 110 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: wasn't Yeah, so I wasn't trying to you know, my 111 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 1: my my goal once I graduated from high school was 112 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: not to get a job at the post office and 113 00:07:54,360 --> 00:08:00,080 Speaker 1: stay there for twenty years and retired. Yeah, you know, 114 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: I I completely went against what ever they thought my 115 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 1: plan should be, and I um stayed committed to being myself. 116 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 1: And um, there was a lot of you know, in 117 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:20,200 Speaker 1: the house bullying that occurred just from my family growing up, 118 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 1: from women growing up with women from a different generation 119 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: that didn't understand that you can follow your dreams. You 120 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: can be passionate about something and if you believe hard enough, 121 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,760 Speaker 1: you can figure out a way to develop it into 122 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: something lucrative. And that are to be wasting time, excuse 123 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:49,200 Speaker 1: wasting money, wasting energy because I had this passion and 124 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna let it go. So, yeah, they gave 125 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:57,319 Speaker 1: me a hard time. Yeah, I can imagine. So fast 126 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: forward to the year twelve. Thanks for going really good 127 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,599 Speaker 1: for you. I read that you was saying how he 128 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 1: was excited by getting a new apartment. You was a 129 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: stuff into school and you're about to audition for a 130 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 1: music video. Tell us about that time. So life was bomb. Um. 131 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 1: I just so I saw, like I really thought that 132 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 1: I had figured out a way to balance UM work life, 133 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:27,560 Speaker 1: personal life and you know, my my actual dreams and 134 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 1: UM at the time, I was working for a medical office. 135 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: I was doing like a billing coding and billing for 136 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: this medical office, and UM, I was preparing for these 137 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: great transitions and then out of nowhere, you know, this 138 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: devastating at ockers and everything is halted and my life 139 00:09:55,080 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 1: completely stopped for a few years. Uh. But prior to that, 140 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: I had so many things to look forward to, like 141 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 1: so many things, and it was just when I think 142 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: about it, UM, it's still a little heartbreaking to know that, UM, 143 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 1: I had such a good, solid plan back then. While 144 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: my plan actually UM it was to not only continue 145 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 1: this particular job through the medical office because they were 146 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: paying for me to go back to school, but to 147 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: also on the weekends, I was getting on the bus. 148 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 1: I was in Philadelphia, I was in New York. I'm 149 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 1: hitting up auditions and open calls as much as possible. 150 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 1: Just doing what I need to do, just to make 151 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: sure that I'm still a part of the scene, the 152 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 1: art scene, making sure that I'm networking, developing new relationships, 153 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 1: and just making sure that I'm out in front of Pete. Yeah, 154 00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: just making it work. Ron crusting my ass and um, 155 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 1: but I loved it. I loved it. I was also 156 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 1: in a relationship at the time, and he and I 157 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 1: seemed like that we were progressing, you know, towards UM 158 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:19,079 Speaker 1: our next step of UM engagement. And when this when 159 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 1: when the assault occurred. He was so disgusted by UM, 160 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: the act and by the fact that he was unable 161 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:33,559 Speaker 1: to look at me as desirable any longer. Oh, yeah, 162 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: it was. It was a mess. So I talked with twelve. 163 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: You were attacked? Can you tell us about that day? Yes, 164 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,319 Speaker 1: So I was coming home from work. Um, I had 165 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: stopped off, did a couple of like, uh, responsible big 166 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 1: girl things, like I paid some bills and had stopped 167 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: at the grocery store, stopped at the mall, had a 168 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 1: couple of bags to take in the house. And I 169 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: was old, this is something that I actually mentioned a lot. 170 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,439 Speaker 1: And not to make it sound like I'm blaming myself, 171 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: but I had such a mistaken feeling of in this invincibility, 172 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:23,439 Speaker 1: and because I had this plan, and because I seemed 173 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:29,280 Speaker 1: to be following my plan and the outcomes UM seemed 174 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: to be going as expected. I never thought that I 175 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: needed to think about my security with my personal protection 176 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,200 Speaker 1: because it wasn't nobody ever gonna funk with me. And 177 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: that was just the overall disposition that I had when 178 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 1: it came to UM my space, and when it came 179 00:12:54,480 --> 00:13:02,560 Speaker 1: to my um my, my my charity. And I remember 180 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 1: coming home that night. I'm parking my car, I get 181 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: out and have headphones in my ears, lasting music like 182 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: I didn't have a radio in my car. UM. I 183 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: stepped out of my car. I never checked my surroundings. 184 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: I never look around. I never do any of the 185 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: things that now and probably then we're drooled in my 186 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 1: head about being observant, about you know, making sure lights 187 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,440 Speaker 1: are on, about letting people know about your locations and 188 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: what your plans are. I didn't think anything like that 189 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 1: applied to me from you too when I was watching 190 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,199 Speaker 1: your documentary, because you said those exact same words, and 191 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: I was like, wow, I felt like you felt like 192 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 1: nothing could happen to you, or like you just didn't 193 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 1: think nothing of it. Exactly that's exactly where I was. 194 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: And then also, um, you know I come from. UM 195 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: my father is very first acted in the city, and 196 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:06,200 Speaker 1: throughout my entire life, I remember there being situations where 197 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,080 Speaker 1: he would get stocked in the street and if he, 198 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: you know, would let someone know that I was his daughter, 199 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 1: then it would almost be like this red carpet was, 200 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 1: you know, placed in front of me, and it created 201 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 1: this false sense of um, of me almost being above 202 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 1: the law. And I because I had that thinking, UM, 203 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: I never once thought that there would be that somebody 204 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: would ever test me or someone would ever play with 205 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 1: me like that. And UM, so that was my own 206 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: arrogance that led me not to do um basic things 207 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: like just check look outside of my car windows and 208 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: make sure nobody suspicious looking is in the parking lot, 209 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: especially when I know that I'm the only person who's 210 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 1: entering exiting a vehicle and it's nine o'clock at night, 211 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: and I happened to be in an apartment complex that's 212 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: heavily surrounded by woods. So as I'm getting out of 213 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,960 Speaker 1: the car going to the trunk to get my bags out, um, 214 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: someone hits me on the head. I felt the pain initially, 215 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 1: but I think the when you when you were first 216 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: hit on the head, or if you were hit in 217 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: any type of way, that initial moment is nothing but 218 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: shot and me trying to figure out what actually did 219 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: just happen. I was in that process when he hit 220 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 1: me again and then I just dropped Yeah, so he UM. 221 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:54,680 Speaker 1: I remember opening my eyes. I'm still standing there and 222 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: shock trying to figure out where this sharp pain came from. 223 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 1: And even and at that moment, I still never turned around. UM. 224 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: I was grabbing my head and I remember having this 225 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 1: feeling like I was about to fall forward into my trunk. 226 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 1: And then he hit me again, and then that's when 227 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: he began dragging me into the woods. UM. I opened 228 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 1: up my eyes one time, and then the pain was 229 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 1: so unbearable that I think I just passed back out again. UM, 230 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: and through I woke up maybe one or two more 231 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:44,760 Speaker 1: times as he was assaulting me. UM. I think at 232 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: that moment, and I have talked about this with my 233 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:53,920 Speaker 1: therapist before, my response to the trauma at the moment 234 00:16:54,280 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: was my brain to cut off any you know, any um, 235 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: any action that would let me be in the moment, 236 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:13,560 Speaker 1: and I believe that my brain told my body to 237 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 1: stay sleep until he was done, UM, so that that 238 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 1: portion of the pain I would not at least have 239 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:29,159 Speaker 1: to be conscious for. And I UM remember when I 240 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: woke up, UM, I was missing a shoe. He had 241 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: urinated on me, he had robbed me. Um. And I 242 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 1: remember sitting there for what felt like, I don't know, 243 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:47,640 Speaker 1: maybe an hour, just trying to piece things back together 244 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,600 Speaker 1: before I had crawled out of the woods and got 245 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 1: into my building. Um. In all actuality, from the moment 246 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: I got home and to the moment I got to 247 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: my building, and may have been about twenty minutes, maybe 248 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:15,440 Speaker 1: twenty minutes, I remember being like pulling into my apartment complex, 249 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: maybe just after eight thirty, and then by nine thirty 250 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,919 Speaker 1: the police have been called. So you Dave reported right 251 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,640 Speaker 1: to the police. And what happened after that, Oh yeah, 252 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 1: I went through that whole thing. I was so I 253 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: was so embarrassed by the treatment I was receiving from police. 254 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 1: I was so embarrassed that after my third or fourth interview, 255 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 1: I just I stopped, UM, I stopped believing that they 256 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,399 Speaker 1: been cared about me at all. They were so focused 257 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: on trying to convince me that criminals weren't smart enough 258 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: to commit to crimes. At the same time, the female 259 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:16,400 Speaker 1: coctive told me that there is no way that anybody 260 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,680 Speaker 1: would be able to assault me and rob me because 261 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 1: criminals are not that smart. And I remember sitting there 262 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: looking at this woman and just I couldn't believe what 263 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: I was hearing. Um Also the fact that I did 264 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 1: my best to stay calm throughout the interview process also 265 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:45,240 Speaker 1: through them for a loop, they didn't believe me because 266 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 1: I wasn't hysterical enough. But also I found that if 267 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 1: when it comes to police, and when it comes to 268 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:57,720 Speaker 1: any type of agency um that you know serves as 269 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: civil service, there you can't convey information and hysterics. So 270 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: I'm trying to maintain my composure. I'm working on, you know, 271 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 1: my breathing and making sure that I answer questions as 272 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,240 Speaker 1: best as possible without falling apart. And then they tell 273 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,639 Speaker 1: me that I need to tell them the truth about 274 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 1: really happen. And I was also discussed with the fact 275 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 1: that they were trying to go back and forth with 276 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,879 Speaker 1: an investigation as a rape or a robbery, and I 277 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: was like, y'all serious, Yeah, it was. It was insane 278 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 1: because this is what I came to learn. Assault rape 279 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: and sexual assaults are cases that police don't want to 280 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 1: process because the amount of paperworking and reports for sexual 281 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:49,679 Speaker 1: assault cases can be anywhere from seven pages up until 282 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,159 Speaker 1: you know, whatever the infinite number might be. And it 283 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 1: was a lot easier for them to pursue the robbery 284 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: because is there was even with a rape kit being done, 285 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:10,360 Speaker 1: there was um more evidenced or it was easier for 286 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,680 Speaker 1: them to pursue the robbery because visibly you could tell 287 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: that my things had been taken. You could tell that 288 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: he ran off with, you know, my items. He um 289 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,560 Speaker 1: like he had emptied out some contents of my wallet 290 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,040 Speaker 1: like in the woods. Um, but there were things that 291 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 1: he got away with, and I was so hurt when 292 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:40,360 Speaker 1: I found out, um how they were treating the investigation. 293 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 1: I also remember not having one black cock. Havn't I 294 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 1: did not have from the when the police were called, 295 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,640 Speaker 1: it was nothing but all white men that came, all 296 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: white men, And I had explained into them that this 297 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,320 Speaker 1: was from what I could see, because there were small 298 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,280 Speaker 1: things that I was able to make out, and it 299 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:09,920 Speaker 1: was mainly that he was either white or very very 300 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 1: light skinned, and he had a tattoo on one of 301 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:16,639 Speaker 1: his hands, and um, but other than that, you know, 302 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 1: I wasn't able to give much of a physical mean describe, right, 303 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 1: and you know, so I'm doing the best that I can. 304 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,800 Speaker 1: And um, I was just I was disgusted with how 305 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: disgusting they thought I was for letting something like that 306 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,080 Speaker 1: happened to me and or lying about something like that. 307 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,040 Speaker 1: Because that's the other thing that I came to find 308 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,479 Speaker 1: out about police is that their job is heavily rooted 309 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 1: in speculation. And if they are unable to speculate and 310 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: come up with some type of idea as to what 311 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 1: may have occurred that makes sense to them, then your 312 00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:02,720 Speaker 1: story does not matter. And they really, um, they treated 313 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: me horribly like I to the point where I am 314 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 1: working with advocacy agencies to help try to offset some 315 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,200 Speaker 1: of the disrespect that was coming my way. And by 316 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,400 Speaker 1: time these women at this advocacy agency was done with 317 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,680 Speaker 1: the police department, the captain had sent me a handwritten 318 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 1: letter apologizing for the mistreatment of my case. Now, mind you, 319 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:37,040 Speaker 1: I I called. I continued to reach out to the 320 00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: detective that was handling the robbery investigation, because also by 321 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 1: that time, I was like you know, if this is 322 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 1: the part that they're going to stay interested in, then 323 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 1: at least it's something. I've reached out to that detective 324 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,840 Speaker 1: until two thousand fifteen, he never returned any of my 325 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,199 Speaker 1: phone calls. And that's when I just stopped calling can 326 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:05,560 Speaker 1: discuss them because that Black women feel like we're just disposable, 327 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:11,520 Speaker 1: like if something happened a well like what yeah, yeah, 328 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,880 Speaker 1: And it was very much a situation of Oh, you'll 329 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:22,240 Speaker 1: get over it, and UM I couldn't. I just I 330 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:30,600 Speaker 1: fell into a deeper depression, my anxiety, it was, it 331 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:34,080 Speaker 1: was horrible. And then also during the time I had 332 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: lost my job, I had lost the apartment that I 333 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,120 Speaker 1: was going to be moving into, everything that I had 334 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: been working towards. It was just taking from no, wow, no, no. 335 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 1: I didn't get a I got a phone call UM 336 00:24:56,119 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 1: maybe back in two seventeen asking about some things related 337 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: to the case, but there was no follow up and 338 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,359 Speaker 1: it wasn't UM. It wasn't because they may have had, 339 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 1: you know, someone in mind. It was because of the 340 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,959 Speaker 1: fact that UM, there was this investigation that had been 341 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 1: opened up because of backloggings for or sexual uh rape kits, 342 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: and UM I was being contacted to see if anybody 343 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 1: had ever reached out to me about the results of 344 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: the kids, or if it had you know, if any 345 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,360 Speaker 1: of the detectives who were working on the case had 346 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,200 Speaker 1: reached out to me. And that was the last time 347 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 1: I heard from anybody. And um, after a while, I 348 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:54,760 Speaker 1: just I had to leave it alone. I had alone 349 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 1: so that I could start working on healing because I'd 350 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:02,919 Speaker 1: allowed myself to put so much faith in law enforcement 351 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:07,919 Speaker 1: and the justice system. Um, you know, they basically dragged 352 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 1: me through the mud that I I was not gonna 353 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: allow for them to do anything else with it. I 354 00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:19,199 Speaker 1: was so embarrassed by the way that they were treated me. 355 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: I stopped telling people what happened to me. I didn't 356 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 1: tell my father. I didn't tell him until, you know, 357 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 1: sometime later. Um. You know, also, I was facing a 358 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 1: lot of criticism from family members, women in my family, 359 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 1: who would say, well, if she wasn't so fast, or 360 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 1: you know, if she hadn't been such a hussy, or 361 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: maybe if she uh didn't dress the way she did. 362 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:49,159 Speaker 1: I had on scrubs when this happened. There was nothing 363 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:54,400 Speaker 1: sexy about my delivery. And if there was, that's still 364 00:26:54,440 --> 00:27:01,240 Speaker 1: not a fucking excuse or a reason. So I don't 365 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,000 Speaker 1: care if I was as naked walking down the street 366 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:09,160 Speaker 1: singing Happy Birthday, that's still not an invitation for you 367 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,400 Speaker 1: to violate me. So I was dealing with a lot 368 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,440 Speaker 1: of things like that. When I was in the hospital, 369 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:19,880 Speaker 1: um my mom came to see me. Once my oldest 370 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: brother went on this campaign of disproving anything that I 371 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: shared with law enforcement. He called family members and told 372 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 1: them not to believe me. Nobody ever reached out to me. 373 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,159 Speaker 1: And because that's what I was dealing with, I I 374 00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:42,359 Speaker 1: stopped looking for support. And I'm from up. That's a 375 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 1: good point I wanted to bring up because on top 376 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,880 Speaker 1: of all of this, you found out she was pregnant, 377 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: and yeah, that was And the thing I took from 378 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,639 Speaker 1: there is I love how you shared light on the 379 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:56,880 Speaker 1: lack of support that you did receive during this time, 380 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of people feel like 381 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,720 Speaker 1: they need that's a worth to go to get through things. 382 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,720 Speaker 1: But you did it on your own, and I thought 383 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 1: that was just like amazing. That shows resilience and like 384 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: hers because like sometimes people just don't want to do 385 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: anything because they don't have the support that they think 386 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:16,239 Speaker 1: they need. Yeah, and that's that's where I was for 387 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 1: a little bit. Like it took me time to get 388 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,399 Speaker 1: to this point where I was like, you know, I'm tired. 389 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 1: I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being scared, 390 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 1: and I need to do something about this ship. So, um, 391 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,879 Speaker 1: I did I I wind up pregnant. I keep it 392 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:37,360 Speaker 1: to myself because by this time I had gone through 393 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:42,560 Speaker 1: so much ship with the police and with you know, 394 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: the lack of support from my family. The day after 395 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: all of this occurred, um, when I was because they 396 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 1: didn't keep me in the hospital after all of the 397 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 1: testing was done. They did release me back home, but 398 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,640 Speaker 1: day after I was encouraged by family members to go 399 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: to work as if nothing happened to me. And the 400 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 1: main reason behind that was because, oh, well, you know, 401 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,840 Speaker 1: the same thing happened to me when I was your age, 402 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 1: when I was younger, and you know, I just had 403 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 1: to deal with it. I just had to get through it. 404 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:21,400 Speaker 1: I Yeah, it's very sad to know that you were 405 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:27,400 Speaker 1: conditioned to ignore your pain and and mental health status. 406 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: And I, um, I mean luckily we're not luckily, you know, 407 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,680 Speaker 1: I was. I was let go from that job because 408 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,960 Speaker 1: of this. But UM, when I found out I was pregnant, 409 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:49,280 Speaker 1: I my whole When I tell you that, suicide never 410 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 1: looked better in that moment. And you know, knowing that 411 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 1: not only am I'm pregnant, not only am I pregnant 412 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: by somebody I don't know, but I'm pregnant with some 413 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: white man's baby, and I I felt even more disgusting 414 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:14,480 Speaker 1: than the law enforcement that was investigated my case. I 415 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:18,920 Speaker 1: I was so disappointed with myself as if I let 416 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:22,680 Speaker 1: this happen, as if I would have had the wherewithal 417 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: in the moment to remind my rapists to put on 418 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 1: a condom, and I, UM, I didn't tell anybody. So 419 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:41,560 Speaker 1: Also at the time, UM I was processing for UM 420 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,600 Speaker 1: unemployment and I had to wait because of the fact 421 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:50,880 Speaker 1: that my ID and my wallet was stolen. Yeah, it 422 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 1: took me some time. It took me maybe about a 423 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:59,240 Speaker 1: month to be able to get replacement identification. The banks 424 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:04,040 Speaker 1: weren't being UM I remember distinctly pn C not trying 425 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,200 Speaker 1: to help me out in any type of way, even 426 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 1: when I came in with my birth certificate to let 427 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:15,160 Speaker 1: me access my money. UM I had to go through 428 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: an additional process of you know, getting my identification um 429 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 1: UM replaced so that I would be able to move around. 430 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:32,360 Speaker 1: But I had to reach out to UM an abortion 431 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: fund in order to get my abortion paid for. Not 432 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 1: only that this is why I will always ride from 433 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: playing currenthood, but those ladies took care of me, and 434 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:48,000 Speaker 1: they understood the situation that I was faced with. Also, 435 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:55,760 Speaker 1: they understood that I was by myself. They understood UM 436 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 1: that UM I didn't I didn't have any type of support. 437 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,480 Speaker 1: And you know, when I think about it, when I 438 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,720 Speaker 1: look back on this, like I it does sadden me 439 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,120 Speaker 1: to know that I was so embarrassed that I didn't 440 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: even talk to my dad about this, because now I 441 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 1: know he would have been that rock. He would have 442 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: been that support system that I needed. But anxiety and 443 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,400 Speaker 1: embarrassment and just knowing that before anybody asked me if 444 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,720 Speaker 1: I was okay, that they started pointing fingers at me. 445 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: Just it kept me from exploring UM or just even 446 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:36,640 Speaker 1: relying on the love that that man has for and UM. 447 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 1: So I UH planned parenthood. They took care of me. 448 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 1: They made sure that I had all of the resources 449 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 1: to get my abortion fully funded, and then they made 450 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 1: sure that UM they had someone they had a volunteer, UM. 451 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,120 Speaker 1: She was a volunteer from an advocacy agency come with 452 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 1: me the day of my procedure because they wouldn't legally, 453 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:10,880 Speaker 1: they wouldn't have been able to let me leave by myself, right, 454 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 1: So there was a volunteer that came and sat with 455 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: me and waited until the procedure was done, and then 456 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 1: she drove me home afterwards. So they hooked me up 457 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:27,920 Speaker 1: and they there was actually like, UM, a phone tree 458 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:33,520 Speaker 1: that they developed through the advocacy agency, UM, so that 459 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: somebody would check on me once a day for the 460 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,440 Speaker 1: next two weeks until I had my follow up a 461 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: point and UM. Yeah, so that's how I was able 462 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:48,160 Speaker 1: to do that. I remember reading UM that you said 463 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:51,680 Speaker 1: that the embarrassment and the shame consumed you so much 464 00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:54,520 Speaker 1: to the point that it led you into depression. And 465 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,080 Speaker 1: I remember you saying that you were shower with the 466 00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 1: mirrors cover. As soon as I read that, like that 467 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:07,640 Speaker 1: literally like it broke my heart. Yeah, I couldn't. I 468 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,319 Speaker 1: had a really hard time looking at myself after that. 469 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:18,680 Speaker 1: I couldn't. UM for a while, I was almost recognizable 470 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:20,640 Speaker 1: to myself when I would look in the mirror. I 471 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,520 Speaker 1: it was like I was a shell of my former self. 472 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:30,239 Speaker 1: I had no desire to do anything. There was no motivation. 473 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:33,920 Speaker 1: I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to drink, 474 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:39,680 Speaker 1: I didn't want to sleep. I had to build up 475 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:49,800 Speaker 1: strength for me too, UM, for me to engage with society. 476 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:56,000 Speaker 1: UM for a short moment, I had developed what I 477 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,640 Speaker 1: now know is agoraphobia. And I stayed in the house 478 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 1: m um for about gosh for a couple of months, 479 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 1: and then you know, I did baby steps, you know, 480 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:12,160 Speaker 1: to to build up that UM protection, to build up 481 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 1: that that sense of security that would allow for me 482 00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:18,520 Speaker 1: to go back outside and get back to a normal routine. 483 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:26,800 Speaker 1: But I hated looking at myself. I hated UM knowing 484 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:32,759 Speaker 1: that I don't even feel like the woman who is 485 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:42,440 Speaker 1: good enough, worthy enough to um even share space with somebody. 486 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,799 Speaker 1: And it was heartbreaking. I missed out. I lost a 487 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,920 Speaker 1: lot of people. I lost a lot of friends. I 488 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: stopped talking to a lot of family. My depression spiral 489 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:58,719 Speaker 1: to a point where I convinced myself that I was 490 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,759 Speaker 1: so disgusting that there's no way my father would want 491 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,759 Speaker 1: to look at me. He would if I went around him, 492 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:09,319 Speaker 1: he would be able to automatically sense that you know this, 493 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:15,719 Speaker 1: this violation occurred, and he wouldn't want me anymore, And 494 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,880 Speaker 1: so I didn't talk to him for almost three years. 495 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,799 Speaker 1: I never gave him an explanation. I just one day, 496 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:27,960 Speaker 1: I just stopped. I just stopped talking. And it's it's 497 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,840 Speaker 1: it's probably to this day one of the biggest mistakes 498 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:35,319 Speaker 1: that I feel like I made, missing out on those 499 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 1: three years with him. I mean, he's still here where 500 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,560 Speaker 1: you know, he's live, we're kicking it with everything is great, 501 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:47,360 Speaker 1: that's my boy. But just knowing that, I, yeah, yeah, 502 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:51,239 Speaker 1: I did. I made it for him. And then when 503 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 1: I did go back home, it was it burned me 504 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,960 Speaker 1: up knowing that he was letting me come back home 505 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:05,560 Speaker 1: with open arms and an open heart and didn't even 506 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,120 Speaker 1: you know, it was very much. I walked in the house, 507 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:10,920 Speaker 1: he gave me a hug and kiss, and he whispered 508 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,480 Speaker 1: in my air, don't ever do this again. And then 509 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,600 Speaker 1: we just got the business. He just got back in 510 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 1: the family. Yeah, and he never made me explain myself. 511 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:25,400 Speaker 1: He never made me do anything like that. But also 512 00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:30,920 Speaker 1: he is the parent that was more into to to 513 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:36,200 Speaker 1: my anxiety issues growing up. He was he paid more attention. 514 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:43,160 Speaker 1: He believed in mental health, so he yes. So, I 515 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:45,759 Speaker 1: mean that's what most of the conversations we have now 516 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:50,759 Speaker 1: are centered around trauma and responses that I had to 517 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:56,520 Speaker 1: my own trauma and him. Yeah, and he things that 518 00:37:56,560 --> 00:38:02,239 Speaker 1: he recognized even as a little girl. So, um, you know, 519 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:07,600 Speaker 1: the it's like, I'm I'm disappointed, but also I'm grateful 520 00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:14,120 Speaker 1: because now I know I know that this man, uh 521 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:19,040 Speaker 1: you know, we'll move them mountain for me. And um, 522 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,799 Speaker 1: but yeah, I was. I was very hurt by the 523 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,160 Speaker 1: fact that I made that decision for him and that's 524 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,799 Speaker 1: not what he wanted at all. But I'm very, very 525 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:33,800 Speaker 1: glad to be in this situation where um, we're texting 526 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,680 Speaker 1: for a hour, or we will just go and have 527 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:40,000 Speaker 1: brunch or you know, I'll just go over there and 528 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:43,480 Speaker 1: sit and we'll just have coffee talk, and you know, 529 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:48,520 Speaker 1: it's just it's it's so nice knowing that they're even 530 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:53,719 Speaker 1: through all of this, all of this devastation, I was 531 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:59,959 Speaker 1: able to regain purity when it came to other relationships. 532 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:04,160 Speaker 1: You know, that's like within and I mean that specifically 533 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:07,799 Speaker 1: with the relationship I have with my father. It is 534 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:13,479 Speaker 1: sacred to me now and um, but yeah, I did. 535 00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:17,880 Speaker 1: I went through that by myself. UM. Also because of 536 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 1: the fact I didn't know how to heal. I didn't know, 537 00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:31,120 Speaker 1: you know, outside of UM, outside of my traditional therapy 538 00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:35,919 Speaker 1: and group sessions. I didn't know what the options were 539 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 1: available to you. I read about you, But how did 540 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:47,600 Speaker 1: ballet help you get your confidence back? Ballet has principles 541 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,920 Speaker 1: and elements that are rooted in grace and elegance, and 542 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:57,400 Speaker 1: that's something that I always attributed to sensuality and femininity. 543 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:03,000 Speaker 1: And I remember getting to a point where I wanted 544 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:06,320 Speaker 1: to feel like a woman again. I didn't. I wanted 545 00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:11,480 Speaker 1: to feel I wanted to feel desirable again. But I 546 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:15,680 Speaker 1: wasn't ready for somebody to tell me things that would 547 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:18,600 Speaker 1: make me feel good. I wasn't ready to share space 548 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:23,920 Speaker 1: with anybody. But I was ready for an activity that 549 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,560 Speaker 1: would make me feel great. I was ready for a 550 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:30,040 Speaker 1: discipline that would allow for me to throw myself into 551 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:32,160 Speaker 1: it so much that I didn't have time to think 552 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:37,359 Speaker 1: about my pain. And that's what ballet was. Ballet was 553 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:41,080 Speaker 1: so strict for me, even growing up there, when I 554 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,600 Speaker 1: walked into the studio and nobody care about my feelings, 555 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:49,480 Speaker 1: that's what I needed. I needed something to throw myself into, 556 00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:54,800 Speaker 1: and that's it was just it was just so natural 557 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:59,840 Speaker 1: for me to go back to something that meant so 558 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:04,320 Speaker 1: much to me already, and it was something that always 559 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:08,600 Speaker 1: brought me joy. It was something that always made me happy. 560 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:14,360 Speaker 1: And also it was procedural, and that played a big 561 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:19,520 Speaker 1: part in my resilience. I remember having a conversation with 562 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:24,320 Speaker 1: my dad when I was about uh nineteen or twenty, 563 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:29,959 Speaker 1: and I was explaining to him, um, how my anxiety 564 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:32,640 Speaker 1: was so bad that it would it wouldn't allow me 565 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,440 Speaker 1: to sleep sometimes I wouldn't know what would trigger it. 566 00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,320 Speaker 1: I seemed to be okay. You know, my bills were paid, 567 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,880 Speaker 1: I had friends, Um right, you know, I seemed to 568 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,000 Speaker 1: be fine. But I have no idea why I'm starting 569 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:50,480 Speaker 1: my days throwing up, or why at night my body 570 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,799 Speaker 1: is tired. I lay in bed, I get in bed 571 00:41:52,920 --> 00:42:00,000 Speaker 1: ninety but I'm laying in bed awake until to two am. 572 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:04,319 Speaker 1: And um, my father explained to me that what was 573 00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:07,879 Speaker 1: happening is that my brain was so active during that 574 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:11,759 Speaker 1: time because I'm thinking about worst case scenarios for everything 575 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,680 Speaker 1: that I'm not allowing for my brain to shut down 576 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:19,960 Speaker 1: so that I can rest. So um. He taught me 577 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:25,359 Speaker 1: a trick about going through something that I enjoy as 578 00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:29,279 Speaker 1: a procedure, so that if my brain is going to 579 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:32,600 Speaker 1: be working, I'm thinking about something that brings me peace, 580 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,160 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about something that's calming, and I'm thinking about 581 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:40,880 Speaker 1: something that is soothing enough that I will eventually drift 582 00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:45,680 Speaker 1: into slumber. So one of the activities that we share 583 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:49,560 Speaker 1: is cooking, specifically baking. He and now we will You 584 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:54,880 Speaker 1: will think that, you know, we are Betty Crocker. But 585 00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:57,080 Speaker 1: but so he told me one night, he said, listen, 586 00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 1: this is what you do. He was like, when you're 587 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:01,920 Speaker 1: in bed it and you're having these hard moments and 588 00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:04,560 Speaker 1: you just can't you just can't let go. He was like, 589 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,480 Speaker 1: I want to. I want you to think about baking 590 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,960 Speaker 1: a cake. But he said, I don't want you to 591 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:11,120 Speaker 1: think about from the moment you go in the kitchen. 592 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:13,400 Speaker 1: I want you to think about from the moment you 593 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,600 Speaker 1: get the idea of baking the cake. You get up, 594 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,080 Speaker 1: you put on your clothes, you get your car keys, 595 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,279 Speaker 1: you go to the car because you need to go 596 00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:24,160 Speaker 1: to the market to buy all of your ingredients. He said, 597 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,279 Speaker 1: you don't start in the kitchen. You start from the 598 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:32,359 Speaker 1: very beginning the inception of making idea. By time you've 599 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,759 Speaker 1: gotten to the point where you're about to bring your 600 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:39,799 Speaker 1: groceries into the house, you fall in asleep. And that 601 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:45,880 Speaker 1: trip helped me so much because instead of me laying 602 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,239 Speaker 1: down thinking about whether or not I paid my B 603 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:49,920 Speaker 1: g and E or whether or not I'm gonna have 604 00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:52,680 Speaker 1: enough money to pay my B g andy, I'm thinking 605 00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:56,600 Speaker 1: about the carrot cake muffins that I would like to 606 00:43:56,719 --> 00:44:01,160 Speaker 1: have baked to take into work. I thinking about, you know, 607 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:05,480 Speaker 1: the cookies, UM, the recipe that I want to create 608 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:13,600 Speaker 1: that I know exactly. So ballet served as that type 609 00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:18,040 Speaker 1: of procedure that I needed. If I was given a combination, 610 00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:22,120 Speaker 1: there was a whole set of rules behind that combination. 611 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:26,520 Speaker 1: There was a whole set of disciplines that I had 612 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:29,399 Speaker 1: it to follow that I had to follow in order 613 00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:36,040 Speaker 1: for me to successfully UM implement technique, for me to 614 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,880 Speaker 1: successfully be able to do these these movements in class 615 00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:48,160 Speaker 1: UM and So that's that's why ballet became the catalysts 616 00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:54,000 Speaker 1: behind the program. UM. It was just enough procedure mixed 617 00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:58,799 Speaker 1: with discipline mixed with skill that UM, I didn't have 618 00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:01,120 Speaker 1: time to feel sorry for my self because I knew 619 00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:05,279 Speaker 1: that I wanted to be the best dancer I could be. 620 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:09,520 Speaker 1: Now at that point, it wasn't even about me being 621 00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:12,960 Speaker 1: um the best woman I wanted to. It was like 622 00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:16,279 Speaker 1: I reverted back to being a student again and I 623 00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:20,840 Speaker 1: wanted corrections. I wanted I wanted to be seen in 624 00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:26,600 Speaker 1: the dance studio. I wanted to earn a role. And 625 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:31,400 Speaker 1: because of that, UM, I was able to focus on 626 00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:37,440 Speaker 1: elements of healing that you know, eventually brought me to 627 00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:40,360 Speaker 1: where I And also for any of my listeners that 628 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:42,200 Speaker 1: want to be a part of our program, you know, 629 00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:44,279 Speaker 1: all of my guests are anonymous, and I'm also about 630 00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:47,200 Speaker 1: supporting our brownies out there that's doing a damn thing. 631 00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:50,480 Speaker 1: Please make sure to email me at hello at the 632 00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,000 Speaker 1: professional homegoard dot com and I would make sure to 633 00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:55,080 Speaker 1: sing you her way. But one thing that a little 634 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:57,040 Speaker 1: about your program is how you want to create a 635 00:45:57,040 --> 00:46:01,120 Speaker 1: space that allows women to heal move meant and not 636 00:46:01,239 --> 00:46:06,319 Speaker 1: only had a therapy as an option. I thought was 637 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:12,400 Speaker 1: and um, so thank you because when when I was 638 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:15,680 Speaker 1: going through this process, the only thing that was available 639 00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:19,880 Speaker 1: to me was traditional therapy or group sessions. But it 640 00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:23,239 Speaker 1: was nothing. There was nothing available that let me reconnect 641 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:26,680 Speaker 1: with my body and it was nothing that was helping 642 00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,160 Speaker 1: me feel like a woman again. I could go to 643 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,600 Speaker 1: therapy and talk to them blue in the face. What 644 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:34,960 Speaker 1: is that gonna do about making me feel like I 645 00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:39,200 Speaker 1: can be sexually desirable to somebody? And what is that 646 00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:45,480 Speaker 1: gonna do about, you know, making me feel exactly? That's 647 00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:49,719 Speaker 1: what I needed, and I needed also to be a 648 00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:53,440 Speaker 1: part of a network of survivors that didn't always want 649 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:57,040 Speaker 1: to talk about the trauma that brought you to this session. 650 00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:04,160 Speaker 1: I I could not believe the amount of group sessions, 651 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:08,240 Speaker 1: group therapy sessions I was attending where it was, Um, 652 00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:13,399 Speaker 1: it was almost expected for you to uh tell your 653 00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,480 Speaker 1: your story of trauma over and over and over again, 654 00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,759 Speaker 1: want to exactly and that's you don't want to keep 655 00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:28,360 Speaker 1: reliving it exactly. And so this was prior to me 656 00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:31,480 Speaker 1: finding out what triggers were. Trigger was not a word 657 00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:38,040 Speaker 1: that was used so much back right, So it is 658 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:43,719 Speaker 1: the girl therapi. But um, I you know there there's 659 00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:49,560 Speaker 1: language that's used now that wasn't used back then, and um, 660 00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:53,280 Speaker 1: you know nobody. It didn't make sense to me that 661 00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:57,120 Speaker 1: I was being invited or advised to go to these 662 00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:00,720 Speaker 1: sessions where they would treat my pain like band aid 663 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,960 Speaker 1: that could just be easily ripped off. And then you're 664 00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:08,080 Speaker 1: sending me home without any type of follow up. You're 665 00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,600 Speaker 1: sending me home without any type of recourse. So okay, 666 00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:12,920 Speaker 1: you have me come into the session. We talked about 667 00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:15,080 Speaker 1: what braun is here, But then, right, what do I 668 00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,719 Speaker 1: do after that? All I'm right, all I'm doing is 669 00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:25,520 Speaker 1: just talking, talking and talking. Also, the spaces that were created, 670 00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:30,360 Speaker 1: these safe spaces that were created for survivors to be 671 00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:32,920 Speaker 1: able to share trauma only cater to one type of 672 00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:37,680 Speaker 1: survivor and that's the blonde hair blue icon. And so 673 00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:41,560 Speaker 1: I never really felt like there was a safe space 674 00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:44,600 Speaker 1: that was intended for me. And when I say me, 675 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:51,920 Speaker 1: I mean women of color, and um I I struggled 676 00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,960 Speaker 1: trying to figure out who my friend could be in 677 00:48:56,040 --> 00:49:00,200 Speaker 1: this situation. I was still, you know, sister, I was 678 00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:04,240 Speaker 1: looking for you know, right, I wanted somebody who looked 679 00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:08,440 Speaker 1: like me. But then also I came to realize that, 680 00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:12,680 Speaker 1: because of how mental health is stigmatized within our community, 681 00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,280 Speaker 1: that even if there were women looking for the same 682 00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:19,120 Speaker 1: type of support and resources, they weren't gonna let anybody 683 00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:26,120 Speaker 1: know they weren't going to because we are expected to 684 00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:29,360 Speaker 1: just bear the way to the world on our shoulders 685 00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:33,560 Speaker 1: and keep pushing because we're strong. Okay, we're strong black woman. 686 00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:39,200 Speaker 1: I'm no, I'm not always a strong black woman. Okay, 687 00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:41,520 Speaker 1: I'll be having days or I'm falling apart, and I 688 00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,720 Speaker 1: want people to acknowledge that I'm falling the apart. Don't 689 00:49:44,719 --> 00:49:47,319 Speaker 1: tell me just to get over it or you'll be 690 00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,440 Speaker 1: fun and all kinds of stuff. No, what that is. 691 00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,920 Speaker 1: That's traumatizing language for me to know that I'm unable 692 00:49:55,040 --> 00:50:00,560 Speaker 1: to process my feelings, my emotions because you're uncomfortable with 693 00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:04,680 Speaker 1: the fact that I might have a bad day. And um, 694 00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:09,799 Speaker 1: so listen, I couldn't even when it comes to when 695 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:11,799 Speaker 1: it comes to my mother, I love her to death, 696 00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:15,160 Speaker 1: and if I hadn't learned anything, it's just it's it's 697 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:19,799 Speaker 1: it's not her fault. It's not her fault that um 698 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:23,080 Speaker 1: mental health is something that stigmatized. It's not her fault 699 00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:28,200 Speaker 1: that um she doesn't believe in therapy. That's that's not 700 00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:32,399 Speaker 1: her fault. That's her generation's fault and the generations, yes, 701 00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:35,879 Speaker 1: that came before her. So I don't, by no way, 702 00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:38,759 Speaker 1: I don't I don't blame her for not knowing how 703 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:46,480 Speaker 1: to support um. I I forgive myself for thinking that 704 00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:51,160 Speaker 1: she did a bad job in supporting me. But UM 705 00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:53,440 Speaker 1: also I know that she she did the best that 706 00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:56,600 Speaker 1: she could given the type of support she received growing up. 707 00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:03,160 Speaker 1: And UM knowing that that's what prompted me to stop 708 00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:07,880 Speaker 1: attending the spaces held for white women and their trauma 709 00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,560 Speaker 1: and to figure out what I can do for our women. 710 00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:13,479 Speaker 1: When I first started, it was it was white women 711 00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,520 Speaker 1: hitting me up left and right and left and right, 712 00:51:16,080 --> 00:51:20,520 Speaker 1: and it was mainly because it was two reasons. Two reasons. 713 00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:28,520 Speaker 1: White women are armed with a privilege that allows for 714 00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,080 Speaker 1: them to know that there are spaces out there where 715 00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:37,480 Speaker 1: they can go and heal. Their resources available to them. Okay, 716 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:41,719 Speaker 1: way more spaces for them. The second thing is they're 717 00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:46,280 Speaker 1: seeing the l A in the title, which is traditionally 718 00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:52,279 Speaker 1: a very whitewash discipline, so they're automatically assuming that this 719 00:51:52,320 --> 00:52:00,160 Speaker 1: is something that's for them anyway. Now one of UM 720 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:03,760 Speaker 1: and uh, I would have these discussions with them about 721 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,879 Speaker 1: how you know, UM, about how I never I never 722 00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:11,720 Speaker 1: turned people away, especially you know, survivors who were looking 723 00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:16,239 Speaker 1: to heal. But I always emphasized that you know this, 724 00:52:16,239 --> 00:52:20,600 Speaker 1: this program is specifically for women of color and those 725 00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:23,879 Speaker 1: who identify as women. Um But am I gonna turn 726 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,040 Speaker 1: or raise somebody who thinks that they may be able 727 00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:28,680 Speaker 1: to benefit from the type and healing the type of 728 00:52:28,719 --> 00:52:34,040 Speaker 1: healing service that I offer. Absolutely not, But um I 729 00:52:34,239 --> 00:52:39,920 Speaker 1: I did come to find out also that, um the 730 00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,240 Speaker 1: reason why it was so important to create this space 731 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:50,160 Speaker 1: is because these therapists that have gone to school for 732 00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:53,759 Speaker 1: four eight plus years are only able to look at 733 00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:58,120 Speaker 1: you a specific way and then diagnose you a specific way. 734 00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:03,799 Speaker 1: But when um but nobody is doing any work to 735 00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:08,279 Speaker 1: connect with me, even as a therapist who may not 736 00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:12,359 Speaker 1: be of color, are you really asking me questions to 737 00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,880 Speaker 1: figure out what a day like in my skin and 738 00:53:14,920 --> 00:53:17,640 Speaker 1: in my shoes it's like, and why this may be 739 00:53:17,719 --> 00:53:20,799 Speaker 1: so devastating and why it may be so important for 740 00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:24,440 Speaker 1: me to figure out how and I can either create 741 00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:26,960 Speaker 1: the space that I need to hear or where I 742 00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:30,239 Speaker 1: can go to heal the way that need And that's 743 00:53:30,239 --> 00:53:33,440 Speaker 1: why I always tell women, especially when the color like 744 00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:36,920 Speaker 1: representation matters. Like my therapist now I did the episode 745 00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:39,799 Speaker 1: with her, She's a black woman, mad, cool like she 746 00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:42,360 Speaker 1: gives it when I first was introduced to therapy, and 747 00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:44,759 Speaker 1: I shared this with my guests. I was recommend this 748 00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:48,480 Speaker 1: retails or and it was a part. It was inside 749 00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:51,960 Speaker 1: the Trump Tower, So this is the right way I ditalected. 750 00:53:52,040 --> 00:53:54,759 Speaker 1: So it was always like riots, is always like protests, 751 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,160 Speaker 1: all types of crazy shit. And on top of that, 752 00:53:57,239 --> 00:53:59,640 Speaker 1: I was dealing with, you know, still trying to comprehend 753 00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:01,759 Speaker 1: the fact and my grandmother transition and she was no 754 00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:04,640 Speaker 1: longer hair. As as y'all know, my grandmother was like 755 00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,040 Speaker 1: a mother to me. So it was just so much 756 00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,200 Speaker 1: crazy ship going on in that building to the point 757 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:11,759 Speaker 1: where I literally was having an anxiety attack on a 758 00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:14,680 Speaker 1: daily basis. So I'm like, you know what, let me 759 00:54:14,719 --> 00:54:17,240 Speaker 1: just speak out a therapist. Let me with my assurance 760 00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:20,600 Speaker 1: are obviously they don't offer me to be black therapists, 761 00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:23,080 Speaker 1: but let me just shoot my shop with this white lady. 762 00:54:23,960 --> 00:54:25,759 Speaker 1: I must have broke down to her and was telling 763 00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:27,560 Speaker 1: her all stuff that was going on. And I really 764 00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:29,279 Speaker 1: do think that this woman was looking at me as 765 00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:33,080 Speaker 1: a case study, like she could not comprehend the things 766 00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:34,960 Speaker 1: that I was going through, and she could not convey 767 00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:37,399 Speaker 1: to me the stuff I needed to take in order 768 00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:39,239 Speaker 1: to protect my mental health because I was about to 769 00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:43,080 Speaker 1: go fucking crazy. And now with my black therapist, like, y'all, 770 00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:45,080 Speaker 1: I love her to death, like she has helped me 771 00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:47,759 Speaker 1: in so many ways, but like teaching me how to 772 00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:51,399 Speaker 1: do breathing exercises, teaching me how to remind myself like 773 00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,839 Speaker 1: you're gonna get through this, Like, just like she gave 774 00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:56,640 Speaker 1: me so many resources and tools that even if I 775 00:54:56,680 --> 00:54:58,400 Speaker 1: know that some ship about the pop off, I know 776 00:54:58,480 --> 00:55:02,960 Speaker 1: how to navigate through it calm, you know, yep. One 777 00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:09,160 Speaker 1: of the things that I had to teach myself one earth. 778 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:12,520 Speaker 1: So let me just back up a little bit. Um. 779 00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:15,160 Speaker 1: One of the first therapists that was assigned to me 780 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:17,279 Speaker 1: while I was in the hospital was a white man. 781 00:55:18,640 --> 00:55:24,840 Speaker 1: That's how I knew. That's how I knew that white 782 00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:29,040 Speaker 1: privilege was something that, yeah, it was real, and it 783 00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:32,439 Speaker 1: really determined the level of treatment you got because there 784 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:38,480 Speaker 1: was absolutely no bedside manner. I am in this position 785 00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:40,600 Speaker 1: because of a white man and the first person you 786 00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:42,719 Speaker 1: want me to see as a white man to talk 787 00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:49,279 Speaker 1: to you about my issues. I remember feeling ignored in 788 00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:55,520 Speaker 1: sessions because he would tell me that I needed to 789 00:55:55,920 --> 00:56:01,320 Speaker 1: rephrase um my words better so that people would understand 790 00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:06,360 Speaker 1: me better, and but there was nothing. Um, you know, 791 00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:09,400 Speaker 1: he was not arming me with any type of tools 792 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:12,839 Speaker 1: to go out here and to to start building and 793 00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:17,759 Speaker 1: to start reclaiming my life back. And um, I had 794 00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:21,759 Speaker 1: to get to a point it I'm just starting in 795 00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:24,640 Speaker 1: the last two years, just starting to go back to 796 00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:30,439 Speaker 1: therapy because the experience I had was just so yes, 797 00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:34,239 Speaker 1: it turned me off, disappointing, it was disgusting. It was 798 00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:39,200 Speaker 1: disturbing to know that so even with these resources being 799 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:43,000 Speaker 1: made available or claiming to be made available to me, 800 00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:46,560 Speaker 1: I still have to do so much work to get 801 00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:49,120 Speaker 1: these people to pay attention to me, or to get 802 00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:53,800 Speaker 1: these people that they could interest in understanding me. And 803 00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:57,359 Speaker 1: I I was just I was thrown off by the 804 00:56:57,400 --> 00:57:02,080 Speaker 1: fact that I would go to therapy and I would 805 00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:04,120 Speaker 1: leave feeling worse than what I did when I would 806 00:57:04,160 --> 00:57:09,080 Speaker 1: go in there. Girl, same like, I don't find a 807 00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:11,879 Speaker 1: new therapist, That's what I was thinking. So like I 808 00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:15,279 Speaker 1: just I couldn't deal with it. And it got to 809 00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:18,280 Speaker 1: the point where I started having to be my own therapist. 810 00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:23,040 Speaker 1: So when my anxiety would be triggered, I would have 811 00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:28,880 Speaker 1: to mentally settle myself by allowing myself to play that 812 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:33,280 Speaker 1: scenario out in my head because only one or two 813 00:57:33,320 --> 00:57:36,000 Speaker 1: things was gonna happen. It was either gonna go well 814 00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:39,360 Speaker 1: or it was either gonna go bad. But if I 815 00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:42,360 Speaker 1: allowed myself to go through all of the what if, 816 00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,360 Speaker 1: what if? What if? What if? What if negatively, I 817 00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:47,960 Speaker 1: would also be able to allow myself to go through 818 00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:50,360 Speaker 1: all of the what if, what if? What if? What if? Positively. 819 00:57:51,720 --> 00:58:01,480 Speaker 1: So I started working on flipping my narrative and instead 820 00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:05,320 Speaker 1: of being so concerned with how it may not turn 821 00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:08,680 Speaker 1: out well, what could happen if it doesn't work, I 822 00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:12,400 Speaker 1: focused on thinking about what happens if it does work out. 823 00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:16,320 Speaker 1: What happens if you know this does work in my favor? 824 00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:20,080 Speaker 1: What happened is what happens if you know things actually 825 00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:23,160 Speaker 1: do go well for me? What happens in that case 826 00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:27,160 Speaker 1: changing the narrative, Yes, I had to flip that ship 827 00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:33,200 Speaker 1: and so that I could start grounding myself and UM, 828 00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:37,240 Speaker 1: but I didn't learn that from somebody who went to 829 00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:43,080 Speaker 1: school to learn how to listen to me. Um. One 830 00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:45,360 Speaker 1: of the things I love about your story is I 831 00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:47,840 Speaker 1: know that UM pen like people played a part and 832 00:58:47,960 --> 00:58:51,120 Speaker 1: assisting you within your story out more, which I thought 833 00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:53,960 Speaker 1: was just amazing, because we need more black women's supportance 834 00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:59,960 Speaker 1: other black women. How did that come about? That's some girl. 835 00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:01,920 Speaker 1: Oh you know, I almost didn't answer the phone that 836 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:07,480 Speaker 1: day too. You're gonna start pick on people almost didn't 837 00:59:07,520 --> 00:59:10,240 Speaker 1: answer the phone. Um. So what happened was a good 838 00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:15,680 Speaker 1: friend of mine, Amanda who um is a photographer from 839 00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:20,800 Speaker 1: New York. She uh, she did a photo series um 840 00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:25,640 Speaker 1: uh coming to one of the workshops and she got permission, 841 00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:28,720 Speaker 1: you know, to to take pictures of some of the 842 00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:31,120 Speaker 1: ladies who came to the workshop. And like she she 843 00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:33,920 Speaker 1: you know, got a stylved had makeup and all kinds 844 00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:35,960 Speaker 1: of stuff. So it was a it was a nice 845 00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:40,240 Speaker 1: escape from reality for for women who weren't feeling so 846 00:59:40,320 --> 00:59:43,080 Speaker 1: great about themselves to participate in like this day of 847 00:59:43,120 --> 00:59:46,520 Speaker 1: glam and they have their pictures taking and um so 848 00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,840 Speaker 1: my girlfriend she comes down, you know, we have this 849 00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:53,520 Speaker 1: great time with her, and um she gets the photos 850 00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:58,760 Speaker 1: published about I don't know, six to eight months later, 851 00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:03,520 Speaker 1: maybe she reaches out to me and my Amanda is white, 852 01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:06,560 Speaker 1: and but she reaches out to me and she's like, hey, 853 01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:10,440 Speaker 1: you know one of my my good friends. Um. She 854 01:00:10,600 --> 01:00:15,840 Speaker 1: has been basically you know, like, uh, professionally stalking your page, 855 01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:19,040 Speaker 1: and she's very interested in the work that you do. 856 01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:21,840 Speaker 1: I would love to put you guys in touch, and 857 01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:25,120 Speaker 1: I said, okay, So I said, all right, that's that's fine, 858 01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:28,960 Speaker 1: I guess or whatever. And you know, I did not 859 01:00:29,200 --> 01:00:31,160 Speaker 1: during this time, I was still really getting used to 860 01:00:31,200 --> 01:00:37,680 Speaker 1: the fact that, um, people, we're so enamored with with 861 01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:40,600 Speaker 1: the program with Bell after Dark, that I was getting 862 01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:43,280 Speaker 1: all of these interviews and getting these features and things 863 01:00:43,320 --> 01:00:46,480 Speaker 1: like that like that that wasn't something that was expected. 864 01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:48,800 Speaker 1: I was just hoping that, you know, maybe some people 865 01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:51,720 Speaker 1: will want to come to these classes. And you know, 866 01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:55,720 Speaker 1: I never expected for any type of media outlets or 867 01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:59,760 Speaker 1: anything like that to to pick up the work that 868 01:00:59,800 --> 01:01:06,160 Speaker 1: I was doing. So um Brittany my the who happens? 869 01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:09,640 Speaker 1: Who's Amanda's friend who ends up being the director of 870 01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:12,080 Speaker 1: the film. She reaches out to me one day through 871 01:01:12,160 --> 01:01:15,760 Speaker 1: email and you know, we start some dialogue and she 872 01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:19,680 Speaker 1: tells me about this film project and I remember, like 873 01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:23,320 Speaker 1: not fully reading the email, and she asked, you know, 874 01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:25,920 Speaker 1: if she would be able to call on a certain day, 875 01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:28,760 Speaker 1: and I say yeah, And that just happened to be 876 01:01:28,920 --> 01:01:30,720 Speaker 1: the day that we had our phone call set up. 877 01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:32,440 Speaker 1: Was just it was not a good day for me. 878 01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:36,320 Speaker 1: I was not feeling my best mentally, and I was 879 01:01:36,400 --> 01:01:41,280 Speaker 1: just down. And I remember when she called, I'm just 880 01:01:41,320 --> 01:01:43,760 Speaker 1: looking at the phone and I was about to not answer, 881 01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:49,720 Speaker 1: but something said, bitch, get it to This was me. 882 01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:52,120 Speaker 1: I didn't know about Queen Latifa yet, Like I didn't 883 01:01:52,120 --> 01:01:54,080 Speaker 1: know where her role was in it, or you know, 884 01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,080 Speaker 1: I just thought that this was gonna be a project 885 01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:59,280 Speaker 1: and that was something that I was used to doing before. 886 01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:02,200 Speaker 1: Like they have been students who have reached out who 887 01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:05,320 Speaker 1: are working on you know, their thesis and they're studying 888 01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:07,800 Speaker 1: movement and dance and they've come across the program and 889 01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:09,800 Speaker 1: they want to interview me for that or they want 890 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:12,280 Speaker 1: to have, you know, get a record, like a five 891 01:02:12,400 --> 01:02:16,600 Speaker 1: or ten minute long video talking about what I do, 892 01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:22,320 Speaker 1: UM with the with the program, with our curriculum, and UM. 893 01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:25,200 Speaker 1: When I get on the phone with her, she starts, 894 01:02:25,280 --> 01:02:28,680 Speaker 1: you know, she's the sweetest thing in the world. And 895 01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:31,840 Speaker 1: she starts explaining to me, you know, this project and 896 01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:34,880 Speaker 1: basically they had like a deadline of a week to 897 01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:40,600 Speaker 1: submit it initially. UM, she goes, you know, so you know, 898 01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:43,760 Speaker 1: I I make movies. I'm a filmmaker, and you know, 899 01:02:43,800 --> 01:02:46,280 Speaker 1: she sent me links to the first film that she did, 900 01:02:46,320 --> 01:02:51,360 Speaker 1: and she specialized in films that highlighted black women and 901 01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:56,800 Speaker 1: she only really wanted to make films about us. Um. 902 01:02:56,840 --> 01:02:59,240 Speaker 1: So she sent me a link for her first short 903 01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:01,720 Speaker 1: film called Queen that she won a few awards for 904 01:03:01,840 --> 01:03:05,720 Speaker 1: and it was just beautiful and um, so she pitched 905 01:03:05,720 --> 01:03:08,120 Speaker 1: to me and she said, look, you know, there's this 906 01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:12,760 Speaker 1: opportunity um with Queen Latifa to have this film, uh, 907 01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:16,560 Speaker 1: to to have a short film a documentary made and 908 01:03:16,680 --> 01:03:18,760 Speaker 1: um she was like, you know, I I wanted to 909 01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:21,720 Speaker 1: speak with you. I think that you would be an 910 01:03:21,720 --> 01:03:26,560 Speaker 1: awesome subject. Initially, her pitch for the film was to 911 01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:30,200 Speaker 1: have me and Toronto Burke sit and have a conversation 912 01:03:30,280 --> 01:03:34,720 Speaker 1: based around sexual salt awareness to me Too movement, UH, 913 01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:38,760 Speaker 1: black woman's voices in the fight, lack of resources that rereceived, 914 01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:42,080 Speaker 1: and things like that. That was the initial pitch. When 915 01:03:42,080 --> 01:03:45,880 Speaker 1: she goes Queen Latifa, she starts telling her about me, 916 01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:49,800 Speaker 1: and Queen Latifa says, no, she's your story. Let's take 917 01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:54,160 Speaker 1: Toronto out of it, focus on this woman. And so 918 01:03:54,240 --> 01:03:57,080 Speaker 1: Queen Latifa has been here several times been to Baltimore. 919 01:03:57,120 --> 01:04:00,000 Speaker 1: She loves Baltimore. She always supports you know, local busines, 920 01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:03,400 Speaker 1: US is here when she comes through. And um, when 921 01:04:03,440 --> 01:04:06,040 Speaker 1: I had the opportunity to talk to her, she said, 922 01:04:06,080 --> 01:04:10,840 Speaker 1: this was so important and so inspiring to me because 923 01:04:10,840 --> 01:04:14,280 Speaker 1: not before a black woman doing ballet, but because it's 924 01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:17,440 Speaker 1: coming out of Baltimore. We are in you know, the 925 01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:20,280 Speaker 1: top ten list for being the most dangerous city and 926 01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:24,200 Speaker 1: the whole country. And she was like, but you are 927 01:04:24,240 --> 01:04:30,280 Speaker 1: developing something that requires such grace and such a gentle 928 01:04:30,600 --> 01:04:34,480 Speaker 1: touch and and behavior that I was just shocked to 929 01:04:34,640 --> 01:04:37,360 Speaker 1: hear that. You know, it's coming from a black woman 930 01:04:37,440 --> 01:04:43,200 Speaker 1: in Baltimore. So she completely um made the focus of 931 01:04:43,240 --> 01:04:45,560 Speaker 1: the project to me and the work that we were doing. 932 01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:51,120 Speaker 1: And UM, so that's how that's how that became. Um, 933 01:04:51,200 --> 01:04:54,680 Speaker 1: that's how that happened. I was I'm still shocked. I 934 01:04:54,720 --> 01:04:58,520 Speaker 1: am still shocked to this day that I got pictures 935 01:04:58,520 --> 01:05:00,800 Speaker 1: with this woman, like we were all duff and stuff 936 01:05:00,840 --> 01:05:03,760 Speaker 1: and you know, keep telling me all of these things. 937 01:05:03,800 --> 01:05:06,480 Speaker 1: And her girlfriend gave me her phone number because her 938 01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:08,840 Speaker 1: girlfriend happened to be a dancer in l A too, 939 01:05:09,000 --> 01:05:15,320 Speaker 1: And it's just so supportive. And I'm telling you this pandemic. 940 01:05:15,400 --> 01:05:18,120 Speaker 1: I am definitely taking a trip to Baltimore. I'm gonna 941 01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:21,840 Speaker 1: support you. I know, once this episode goes live, people 942 01:05:21,880 --> 01:05:25,440 Speaker 1: are gonna be emailing me more about you. Um like 943 01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,880 Speaker 1: your story is just like so inspirational, Like I can't 944 01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,880 Speaker 1: even like even when I was watching a story and 945 01:05:29,920 --> 01:05:31,760 Speaker 1: I did my research on you, like I was just 946 01:05:31,840 --> 01:05:34,600 Speaker 1: so proud, Like you really made me proud, and I 947 01:05:34,600 --> 01:05:36,600 Speaker 1: just won't let you know. Your story is and the 948 01:05:36,600 --> 01:05:38,920 Speaker 1: things that you've been through has was not in vain 949 01:05:38,960 --> 01:05:41,080 Speaker 1: because the lives that you are touching and just like 950 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,040 Speaker 1: it's no words that can match that feeling what you're 951 01:05:44,080 --> 01:05:49,360 Speaker 1: doing to people. So thank you because I still I 952 01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:51,680 Speaker 1: still had my moments sometimes when I wake up and 953 01:05:51,760 --> 01:05:53,120 Speaker 1: be like, bitch, I'm about to go get a job 954 01:05:53,920 --> 01:05:59,520 Speaker 1: because I'm like what am I doing? I'm like, what 955 01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:02,760 Speaker 1: want your documentary? Like you know, entrepreneurship is not for 956 01:06:02,800 --> 01:06:04,680 Speaker 1: the week, and that ship is lonely because you were 957 01:06:04,720 --> 01:06:06,800 Speaker 1: saying how you to assist it? You go drop this 958 01:06:06,840 --> 01:06:09,280 Speaker 1: stuff you do the classes you're playing the class like, 959 01:06:09,320 --> 01:06:11,400 Speaker 1: it's a lot of work that goes into being a 960 01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:15,280 Speaker 1: Boston Like I think that people glamorize entrepreneurship. But it's 961 01:06:15,320 --> 01:06:20,520 Speaker 1: not easy. Hell no, I you know how long I 962 01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:24,720 Speaker 1: was broken to making it happen like I was, I 963 01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:27,160 Speaker 1: was broke. And then also a lot of it had 964 01:06:27,200 --> 01:06:29,720 Speaker 1: to do with the fact that no black women wanted 965 01:06:29,760 --> 01:06:32,000 Speaker 1: to take a chance on me when I first stawed it. 966 01:06:32,520 --> 01:06:35,240 Speaker 1: You know, they hated the fact that I was using 967 01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:40,120 Speaker 1: ballet as the focal tool and not tworking. They hated that, 968 01:06:40,280 --> 01:06:44,560 Speaker 1: you know, my classes weren't revolving around pulled and all 969 01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:46,360 Speaker 1: ship that I like, I'll go or I love me 970 01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,920 Speaker 1: a good work session, love it. But they hated the 971 01:06:49,960 --> 01:06:53,800 Speaker 1: fact that ballet was not considered fun. They wanted hip hop, 972 01:06:53,880 --> 01:06:56,240 Speaker 1: they wanted you know, twerking, They want to pull, they 973 01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:59,520 Speaker 1: wanted floor dancing and all of this stuff that I 974 01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:01,680 Speaker 1: wasn't ready to connect with you. I had to go 975 01:07:01,760 --> 01:07:03,960 Speaker 1: through ballet to get to that sex ship. And yet 976 01:07:04,240 --> 01:07:06,280 Speaker 1: I had to do it that way in order for 977 01:07:06,320 --> 01:07:08,880 Speaker 1: me to get to the point where I am happy 978 01:07:08,920 --> 01:07:11,360 Speaker 1: about working, I had to go through all of my 979 01:07:11,440 --> 01:07:15,000 Speaker 1: ballet procedural steps to be reminded of the fact that 980 01:07:15,080 --> 01:07:17,480 Speaker 1: this is a body and this is a personality and 981 01:07:17,480 --> 01:07:20,480 Speaker 1: a character that I should be proud up. So I 982 01:07:20,520 --> 01:07:24,960 Speaker 1: wasn't willing to relinquish the ballet portion just to appeal 983 01:07:26,160 --> 01:07:30,680 Speaker 1: um to our culture more popularly, I wasn't gonna hear that. 984 01:07:31,240 --> 01:07:34,400 Speaker 1: And um, it was hard. It was so hard trying 985 01:07:34,440 --> 01:07:38,280 Speaker 1: to find a black female entrepreneur who would take a 986 01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:42,600 Speaker 1: chance on me as far as mentorship went. Um, I 987 01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:46,000 Speaker 1: had to make a lot of mistakes before I got 988 01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:49,840 Speaker 1: to this point. I lost a lot of money not 989 01:07:50,040 --> 01:07:53,360 Speaker 1: knowing how to invest in myself. From me, I lost 990 01:07:53,840 --> 01:07:58,080 Speaker 1: a lot. Um. I lost a lot of money, you know, 991 01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:03,800 Speaker 1: not knowing that don't matter how good, how you know, genuine, 992 01:08:03,800 --> 01:08:06,080 Speaker 1: the mission is, there are still gonna be people who 993 01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:10,840 Speaker 1: are gonna take advantage of you. And I Um, I 994 01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:15,280 Speaker 1: lost a lot of interest from women who were upset 995 01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:22,479 Speaker 1: that they didn't think about it first. And but you 996 01:08:22,520 --> 01:08:25,000 Speaker 1: don't even like ballet. You don't even like that, l A. 997 01:08:25,160 --> 01:08:28,760 Speaker 1: But you made right, But you're mad that I thought 998 01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:30,800 Speaker 1: the girl who did do the ballet, you man, you 999 01:08:30,840 --> 01:08:33,760 Speaker 1: didn't think of it. And so like I, you know, 1000 01:08:33,840 --> 01:08:37,479 Speaker 1: even when I would go back to even when like 1001 01:08:37,520 --> 01:08:40,560 Speaker 1: I remember when I first started ballet after dark, it 1002 01:08:41,040 --> 01:08:43,439 Speaker 1: was different, you know, I was still healing when I 1003 01:08:43,479 --> 01:08:45,759 Speaker 1: started it, So there were things that I was doing 1004 01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:52,559 Speaker 1: that were considered to be radical that people weren't approving of. 1005 01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:56,040 Speaker 1: Like I infused a lot of nudity into my photos, 1006 01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:57,920 Speaker 1: but that wasn't because I wanted to be hot for you. 1007 01:08:57,960 --> 01:08:59,840 Speaker 1: I needed to be hot for me, and I needed 1008 01:08:59,840 --> 01:09:03,479 Speaker 1: to be reminded of, you know, the beauty that I had. 1009 01:09:03,800 --> 01:09:06,639 Speaker 1: I wasn't getting that from looking at myself in the mirror, 1010 01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:09,040 Speaker 1: but I was able to see beauty when I would 1011 01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:13,680 Speaker 1: see a photo of myself. Um, and I you know, 1012 01:09:13,800 --> 01:09:17,200 Speaker 1: I got a lot of rejection from women who thought 1013 01:09:17,240 --> 01:09:20,680 Speaker 1: that I was nasty or that I was wild or 1014 01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:24,040 Speaker 1: out there because of discomfort they had with their bodies. 1015 01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:29,240 Speaker 1: It was a lot a lot of people. Um has 1016 01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:32,599 Speaker 1: been given a lot of shame to Lizzo. And I 1017 01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:35,559 Speaker 1: was talking to somebody, She's a plus size girl, beautiful girl, 1018 01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:39,080 Speaker 1: and she was talking so bad about Lizzo, and I 1019 01:09:39,160 --> 01:09:41,920 Speaker 1: was like, does it really bother you or how she's 1020 01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:43,600 Speaker 1: going about this, or does it bother you because it 1021 01:09:43,600 --> 01:09:48,280 Speaker 1: reminds you of how you feel about yourself exactly that 1022 01:09:48,520 --> 01:09:53,840 Speaker 1: you get upset when you watch somebody take on the 1023 01:09:53,880 --> 01:09:59,800 Speaker 1: bravery that you pished you. And that's what was happening 1024 01:10:00,040 --> 01:10:02,680 Speaker 1: to me. And you know, my way fluctuates like the 1025 01:10:02,720 --> 01:10:05,799 Speaker 1: goddamn stock market. But through all of these damned bodies, 1026 01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:09,920 Speaker 1: through all of these damned bodies out in head, I've 1027 01:10:09,960 --> 01:10:13,040 Speaker 1: done got in front of the camera naked or half naked. 1028 01:10:13,439 --> 01:10:17,960 Speaker 1: But that was for my healing purposes, so that I 1029 01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:20,880 Speaker 1: could be strong enough to stand in front of women 1030 01:10:21,240 --> 01:10:23,920 Speaker 1: and children, whoever else who reaches out to me now, 1031 01:10:24,680 --> 01:10:29,839 Speaker 1: and be able to provide what it is that I provide. Also, 1032 01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:35,479 Speaker 1: I subconsciously I think that I I wanted to be 1033 01:10:36,080 --> 01:10:44,400 Speaker 1: um realistic, transparent, um image of what it's like to 1034 01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:48,040 Speaker 1: be a black woman who has had to pick herself 1035 01:10:48,040 --> 01:10:52,599 Speaker 1: back up, reprocess, rebuild, and proclaim her life. And I 1036 01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:55,240 Speaker 1: wasn't being and I as and I mean that not 1037 01:10:55,479 --> 01:10:59,400 Speaker 1: as a celebrity, but as a local as bitch. And 1038 01:10:59,479 --> 01:11:02,080 Speaker 1: I say at because they're all of these stories of 1039 01:11:02,600 --> 01:11:07,559 Speaker 1: triumphs from you know, people whose names are strong about 1040 01:11:08,560 --> 01:11:11,400 Speaker 1: media or in the silver you know, lights and all 1041 01:11:11,479 --> 01:11:13,559 Speaker 1: kinds of ship like that. But what about the teacher 1042 01:11:13,840 --> 01:11:18,480 Speaker 1: who has overcome ship? What about you know, the hospitality 1043 01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:21,519 Speaker 1: worker that has overcome ship and has you know, thrived. 1044 01:11:21,920 --> 01:11:25,280 Speaker 1: I need to hear from the real life people. I 1045 01:11:25,439 --> 01:11:29,519 Speaker 1: need to right, and that's what I want. I wanted 1046 01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:32,920 Speaker 1: to make sure that these people who were looking at 1047 01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,559 Speaker 1: me and reaching out to me and you know, saying, oh, 1048 01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:37,960 Speaker 1: you're so strong, You're so this, youal so that I 1049 01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:41,680 Speaker 1: was not always fucking this way and his proof of it. 1050 01:11:41,800 --> 01:11:44,519 Speaker 1: And this is what the trajectory of my healing looks like, 1051 01:11:44,560 --> 01:11:47,240 Speaker 1: because healing is not linear, and I think people forget 1052 01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:52,880 Speaker 1: that healing is not an A to Z plant. At 1053 01:11:52,920 --> 01:11:55,960 Speaker 1: some points I had I started at A, I got 1054 01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:59,599 Speaker 1: the D, I came back down the negative, I started 1055 01:11:59,640 --> 01:12:05,160 Speaker 1: all can't started eight Okay, I started he again. I 1056 01:12:05,160 --> 01:12:07,240 Speaker 1: get all the way up to TEA. Then I find 1057 01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:10,679 Speaker 1: myself at negative fucking R. So you know, it's it's 1058 01:12:10,800 --> 01:12:14,920 Speaker 1: thickly and um. But like even now, even up until 1059 01:12:15,040 --> 01:12:18,559 Speaker 1: last year, I had Instagram videos where I'm sucking crying lines. 1060 01:12:18,600 --> 01:12:21,920 Speaker 1: I'll sit in the park because I'm stinking ship like 1061 01:12:21,960 --> 01:12:26,759 Speaker 1: I'm sticking this and I'm still learning seven eight years later, 1062 01:12:26,880 --> 01:12:30,000 Speaker 1: I'm still learning how to be gentle with myself during 1063 01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:33,519 Speaker 1: this entire process. There's no guarantee that I'm gonna wake 1064 01:12:33,600 --> 01:12:36,400 Speaker 1: up one day and I'm going to be a hundred 1065 01:12:36,400 --> 01:12:39,840 Speaker 1: percent all right, I had. I did him. UM an 1066 01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:43,599 Speaker 1: event a couple of weeks ago for black women called 1067 01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:50,320 Speaker 1: UM Ocean's Garden down in uh Eastern Shore, Merland, and 1068 01:12:50,640 --> 01:12:52,680 Speaker 1: while I was I was one of the panelists who 1069 01:12:52,760 --> 01:12:57,800 Speaker 1: was invited to speak, and UM, one of the young 1070 01:12:57,880 --> 01:13:03,120 Speaker 1: women tearfully at She was like, I don't know. I 1071 01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:05,960 Speaker 1: don't know what to do to get to a point 1072 01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:09,640 Speaker 1: to be like you. I look at you and I 1073 01:13:09,720 --> 01:13:12,280 Speaker 1: see you as someone who has it all together. I 1074 01:13:12,320 --> 01:13:15,840 Speaker 1: see you as someone who has found their resilience and 1075 01:13:15,920 --> 01:13:18,840 Speaker 1: now you're completely healed. I told this lady, I said, 1076 01:13:18,880 --> 01:13:22,480 Speaker 1: I am not completely healed, and I definitely, I definitely 1077 01:13:22,520 --> 01:13:26,040 Speaker 1: do not have all of my fucking ship together. I'm 1078 01:13:26,040 --> 01:13:29,360 Speaker 1: okay right now. An hour from now, I might not be. 1079 01:13:30,400 --> 01:13:34,400 Speaker 1: That is not an excuse for me not to feel 1080 01:13:34,439 --> 01:13:38,320 Speaker 1: proud of the strides that I've made, or to feel 1081 01:13:38,360 --> 01:13:40,920 Speaker 1: proud about the fact that I got up this morning 1082 01:13:41,360 --> 01:13:43,160 Speaker 1: and I did the work that I was supposed to do. 1083 01:13:44,400 --> 01:13:47,720 Speaker 1: So ain't no. And then this is something that I 1084 01:13:47,880 --> 01:13:51,160 Speaker 1: let all of anyone who reaches out to me, ain't no. 1085 01:13:51,439 --> 01:13:54,519 Speaker 1: In results to what my healing looks like, I'm gonna 1086 01:13:54,520 --> 01:13:58,680 Speaker 1: be heal until the day I die. Absolutely, and if 1087 01:13:58,680 --> 01:14:00,759 Speaker 1: it wasn't because of this, it would have been because 1088 01:14:00,760 --> 01:14:04,719 Speaker 1: of something else. But I am constantly and evolving, work 1089 01:14:05,160 --> 01:14:10,240 Speaker 1: in progress constantly, and I think that that is that's 1090 01:14:10,240 --> 01:14:12,640 Speaker 1: one of the most important things like that I like 1091 01:14:12,720 --> 01:14:17,000 Speaker 1: to deliver on is making sure that you know there 1092 01:14:17,160 --> 01:14:21,320 Speaker 1: is there's a trail, a trail marking you know, my 1093 01:14:21,439 --> 01:14:25,200 Speaker 1: first moment of me being determined to get my ship together, 1094 01:14:25,600 --> 01:14:27,559 Speaker 1: and then you know, me getting up to where I 1095 01:14:27,560 --> 01:14:31,439 Speaker 1: am now. I'm still I'm still working on myself. I 1096 01:14:31,479 --> 01:14:33,760 Speaker 1: still have issues that I have to combat. I still 1097 01:14:33,840 --> 01:14:40,200 Speaker 1: have intimacy issues that I'm working through, and um, you 1098 01:14:40,240 --> 01:14:42,080 Speaker 1: know it's it's I still have trust issues. I don't 1099 01:14:42,120 --> 01:14:45,960 Speaker 1: like none of these niggas all here. I don't like 1100 01:14:46,040 --> 01:14:49,439 Speaker 1: my man one of them, Okay, but like I mean, 1101 01:14:49,560 --> 01:14:54,559 Speaker 1: I want to be with somebody. But like I think, yeah, 1102 01:14:54,720 --> 01:14:58,719 Speaker 1: And but not only that, the healing process has made 1103 01:14:58,760 --> 01:15:03,360 Speaker 1: me recognize what I won't stand for any longer. And 1104 01:15:03,400 --> 01:15:05,880 Speaker 1: I'm not going to just allow any of these little 1105 01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,920 Speaker 1: niggas to jump up and down inside of me just 1106 01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:12,320 Speaker 1: because that's the option that was presented to me. From 1107 01:15:12,320 --> 01:15:16,519 Speaker 1: surviving your attack to opening up your first location to 1108 01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:20,840 Speaker 1: help other women that are survivors and helping them heal 1109 01:15:20,960 --> 01:15:24,920 Speaker 1: through their trauma by using ballet Um, from partnering with 1110 01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:28,280 Speaker 1: the City of Baltimore, from your documentary going from the 1111 01:15:28,320 --> 01:15:31,479 Speaker 1: Tribeca Film Festival all the way up to now being 1112 01:15:31,560 --> 01:15:35,120 Speaker 1: straight a Hulu from Queen Latifa helping you and believing 1113 01:15:35,200 --> 01:15:39,720 Speaker 1: in you and helping your making your dream your reality. 1114 01:15:40,360 --> 01:15:42,200 Speaker 1: What is the advice that you would give to our 1115 01:15:42,240 --> 01:15:46,759 Speaker 1: listeners about turning their pain into purpose. First of all, 1116 01:15:48,000 --> 01:15:51,400 Speaker 1: the one thing that I always say is you are 1117 01:15:52,640 --> 01:15:56,360 Speaker 1: stronger than you're thinking. You're smarter than you know. So 1118 01:15:57,560 --> 01:16:00,679 Speaker 1: with that being said, you have to allow for yourself 1119 01:16:00,720 --> 01:16:04,320 Speaker 1: to to process these feelings and these emotions that you have. 1120 01:16:04,800 --> 01:16:09,000 Speaker 1: Don't ignore them, don't turn them off, let them fucking flow. 1121 01:16:09,640 --> 01:16:14,679 Speaker 1: And then once you've done that, remind yourself of things 1122 01:16:14,760 --> 01:16:18,400 Speaker 1: that make you happy, Remind yourself of things that bring 1123 01:16:18,439 --> 01:16:22,439 Speaker 1: you joy, that lights your heart up, and then start 1124 01:16:22,479 --> 01:16:26,360 Speaker 1: to reconnect with whatever those things are, whatever that activity is, 1125 01:16:26,439 --> 01:16:30,360 Speaker 1: whatever that relationship is. Try to reconnect with that so 1126 01:16:30,400 --> 01:16:33,720 Speaker 1: that you have something to focus on other than your 1127 01:16:33,760 --> 01:16:39,160 Speaker 1: pain that you're trying to heal from. Um. Also, like 1128 01:16:39,240 --> 01:16:41,000 Speaker 1: some of the things that we focus on in our 1129 01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:46,160 Speaker 1: workshops are elements of self care, being physical, mental, and spiritual. 1130 01:16:46,920 --> 01:16:50,320 Speaker 1: When you think about these elements, what are activities that 1131 01:16:50,400 --> 01:16:53,799 Speaker 1: come to mind? What are resources that come to mind? 1132 01:16:54,479 --> 01:16:59,160 Speaker 1: Create a workbook, a self care workbook of things that 1133 01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:03,320 Speaker 1: you recognize in yourself and in your behavior that you 1134 01:17:03,360 --> 01:17:04,960 Speaker 1: want to work on and that you want to heal, 1135 01:17:05,360 --> 01:17:09,840 Speaker 1: and then take it one day at a time. That's 1136 01:17:09,880 --> 01:17:12,080 Speaker 1: what I do. Well. If y'all have any questions, comments, 1137 01:17:12,080 --> 01:17:14,120 Speaker 1: be concerns, you want to be able to go to 1138 01:17:14,160 --> 01:17:16,640 Speaker 1: my guest space, or if you want to watch your documentary, 1139 01:17:16,640 --> 01:17:18,800 Speaker 1: please make sure to email me either at Hello at 1140 01:17:18,800 --> 01:17:22,640 Speaker 1: the Professional Homegirl dot com or Hello at the PhD 1141 01:17:22,640 --> 01:17:25,240 Speaker 1: podcast dot com. And to my guests, thank you so 1142 01:17:25,320 --> 01:17:27,080 Speaker 1: much for sharing your story. I can't thank you enough. 1143 01:17:27,200 --> 01:17:30,240 Speaker 1: I know your story is going to continue to inspire people, 1144 01:17:30,280 --> 01:17:32,280 Speaker 1: and I just cannot wait to see what's next for you. 1145 01:17:33,320 --> 01:17:35,880 Speaker 1: So until next time, everyone, Later,