1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,200 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,920 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever 6 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: you are in the world. So amazing to have you 7 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: here for another episode. Today, we're talking about something that 8 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: I think we all naturally struggle with, especially in our twenties, 9 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 1: and that is self confidence. A very lovely listener of 10 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: the show actually messaged me about her own struggles with 11 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:58,279 Speaker 1: self confidence and self love, so this episode is dedicated 12 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: to her and her want full episode idea. Confidence is 13 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,960 Speaker 1: such a valuable feeling and a valuable attitude to have, 14 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: but sometimes it can be really hard to believe in ourselves, 15 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 1: to believe in our own abilities and our bodies, our appearance, 16 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: our value to the world. And I think this is 17 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: especially the case in our twenties. You know, a decade 18 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 1: that is defined by confusion, by uncertainty, massive shifts in 19 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: how we perceive ourselves. You know, there is this very 20 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:39,760 Speaker 1: I think widespread romanticization or romanticism about our twenties as 21 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 1: our golden years where we are young and free, we're 22 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: able to reinvent ourselves and kind of run wild across 23 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 1: the world. But all of those experiences and those expectations, 24 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 1: they come hand in hand with a lot of confusion 25 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:03,160 Speaker 1: and at times some pretty man plunges in our confidence 26 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: and our self esteem and our confidence it can be 27 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: altered by so many factors, like comparison to those around us, 28 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: you know, exploring our identity and sometimes not coming up 29 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 1: with the right answers. Maybe your confidence has been damaged 30 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 1: by the pressure to have it all figured out, you know, 31 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: these financial pressures, fail, your rejections, social media. The list 32 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 1: is really endless, and all of these things can take 33 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 1: a massive toll on our self worth as we kind 34 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: of attempt to navigate this very strange and confusing chapter. 35 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: But I do honestly think that life is too short 36 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: to not be the most confident version of yourself, to 37 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: not love yourself more than anyone else can in the world, 38 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,640 Speaker 1: to not completely embrace every part of you, you know, 39 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: the good, the bad, the uther, and just be unafraid 40 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: of what other people may think. And if you are 41 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: struggling with a lack of confidence, you know, you are 42 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: not the only one that is for sure. But also 43 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 1: we can change that. We have the power. You know, 44 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: we all know those people who are able to remain 45 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: really sure of themselves no matter what, who can walk 46 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 1: into a room and captivate it, who are magnetic and 47 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: self assured, And you can be that person. And as 48 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: we'll explore in this episode, confidence is very much derived 49 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,800 Speaker 1: from our own self perception and internal ideas of where 50 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: we fit in the world, and so much of that 51 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 1: self perception is actually within our control. We all want 52 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: to be confident, you know. The saying goes that confidence 53 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: is our most attractive feature, but it's also not something 54 00:03:55,680 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: that we gain overnight. So in today's episode, we are 55 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: going to break down the psychology of building up our 56 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: self confidence and our self love, especially in our twenties, 57 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:15,320 Speaker 1: from the very elements and foundations of confidence, to the 58 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: reasons why we sometimes struggle with loving ourselves, and finally 59 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 1: some of those everyday habits that we can use to 60 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,920 Speaker 1: improve our self confidence. There's so much in this episode, 61 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: so much valuable research, so much valuable psychology, So let's 62 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 1: get into it and get to the bottom of how 63 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:47,039 Speaker 1: we can be the most confident versions of ourselves. Confidence 64 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: is a concept I think we all understand or have 65 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,039 Speaker 1: some idea of, but just to provide a bit of 66 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: a refresher. Essentially, it refers to the feeling or belief 67 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,080 Speaker 1: that we have in our own self worth and in 68 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 1: our own value. I think that confidence is a highly 69 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:10,240 Speaker 1: subjective experience, and it relates to different attributes for different people. 70 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: You know, perhaps when you're listening to me speak about confidence, 71 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,720 Speaker 1: you're thinking about it as it relates to your appearance, 72 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: or your body, or your fashion choices, but it can 73 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:25,480 Speaker 1: also relate to things like your intelligence, how confident you 74 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:29,479 Speaker 1: are in your opinions, in your work performance, in your 75 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:35,360 Speaker 1: life choices. Your interpretation is really entirely up to you, 76 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: but also entirely different from someone else's. Essentially, self confidence 77 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: it stems from self esteem, which is an entirely and 78 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: very personal element of our being, and self esteem is 79 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 1: made up of a number of different factors, like our 80 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 1: sense of identity, our sense of belonging, our resilience, the 81 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:00,800 Speaker 1: support structures that we have around us, us and our 82 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: childhood experiences as well. All of these things they have 83 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 1: an impact on, you know, what exactly. We may feel 84 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:14,919 Speaker 1: insecure about our self esteem and therefore the level of 85 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,040 Speaker 1: confidence that we're going to have in our day to 86 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:22,120 Speaker 1: day lives. Every individual is going to have varying levels 87 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:26,240 Speaker 1: of confidence. And you know, there are some people out 88 00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 1: there who are very naturally confident, more than you know 89 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: any other person, and there's a reason behind that our 90 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:40,719 Speaker 1: level of confidence. They're actually very much directly aligned to 91 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 1: this interaction between nature and nurture. I want to kind 92 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: of go into this a little bit more because I 93 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,839 Speaker 1: think it is so interesting. But essentially, your confidence comes 94 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: from both biological and genetic factors like your temperament, but 95 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: also environmental factors like how you were raised or how 96 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:07,039 Speaker 1: your parents treated you, or those early childhood experiences. So 97 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 1: let's consider two children here to kind of shed some 98 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: more light on this idea. So one of them from 99 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: childhood has had a really bubbly and uninhibited temperament. They 100 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 1: have shown themselves to be really curious and inquisitive and 101 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: very vocal, and they had parents or caregivers who encouraged them, 102 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: who validated their feelings, validated their opinions, allowed them to 103 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: take risks and be authentic. And then we have this 104 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: other person, and as a child, they were naturally very quiet. 105 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: They preferred to be in their own world and spend 106 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 1: time with themselves. And they also had parents who weren't 107 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 1: so encouraging, who didn't give them the space and the 108 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: security to explore the world and to explore their interests. 109 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: You know, maybe they spoke down to them and altered them. 110 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: These two children are going to become entirely different adults 111 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 1: because of that combination of factors, because of that combination 112 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: of personality, of their kind of internal biology and their temperament, 113 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 1: and also the environment. And you know, if, for example, 114 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 1: that second child's parents had been really encouraging, full of 115 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: love and compliments and opportunities to learn, maybe things would 116 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: have turned out differently, but maybe not. Sometimes our instincts 117 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,959 Speaker 1: and our temperament really do take over. But that doesn't 118 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,080 Speaker 1: mean that your destiny is sealed. And will discuss this 119 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 1: a bit later, But there are so many amazing ways 120 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 1: to nurture your own self worth and your own value 121 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: without needing external validation or I guess, allowing otherose opinions 122 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: to really dominate your own opinion of yourself. I think 123 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: there is also an important distinction between confidence and arrogance. 124 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: Confidence is a really attractive quality. It's beautiful because when 125 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: we display confidence and self assurance, we demonstrate that we 126 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:17,200 Speaker 1: respect ourselves, that we trust our decisions and our worth, 127 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 1: but also that we're open to others. We're not afraid 128 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 1: of others opinions. We're willing to take on board what 129 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 1: they have to say because we are afraid of criticism 130 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: or the opportunity to become a better person. I think 131 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: confidence the reason it is so attractive and so beautiful 132 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 1: is because it contains that really healthy balance between self 133 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: respect and respect for others. And in contrast, arrogant people, 134 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 1: they're normally absolutely blind to the value and the growth 135 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: that other people can offer them. They're completely firm in 136 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,800 Speaker 1: their belief that they are always right, that they are 137 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: the glue that kind of binds the world together, that 138 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: everyone is constantly admiring them because they have no faults, 139 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:09,360 Speaker 1: they never make mistakes. These people are unpleasant to be 140 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,760 Speaker 1: around because of this inflated sense of self importance. And 141 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: if you have an arrogant person in your life, be 142 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: that you know a coworker, a friend, a family member, 143 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: you might also notice how difficult it is for them 144 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: to have a conversation about anything. Other than themselves or 145 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: their lives, or to have a conversation that isn't completely 146 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:36,320 Speaker 1: dominated by their opinion. They're also really uncompromising and stubborn, 147 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,680 Speaker 1: like I said, very unpleasant and very different from someone 148 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 1: who has a healthy, balanced level of confidence. And I 149 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 1: don't think that is the kind of person we're striving 150 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 1: to be right. We're not striving to be someone who 151 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: can never take on board other's opinions, who doesn't have 152 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: enough respect for themselves to realize that other people can 153 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: say things about them and maybe be wrong, also maybe 154 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 1: be right. You know, we want to be self assured, 155 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 1: We want to display a great deal of trust in 156 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: ourselves whilst not being overbearing on those around us or 157 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:15,679 Speaker 1: unable to take feedback. But even the most confident individuals 158 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: in our lives, even the most arrogant people in our lives, 159 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:27,320 Speaker 1: they're always going to have insecurities. Much like confidence, I 160 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,600 Speaker 1: guess insecurity is also highly subjective. You know. I was 161 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,880 Speaker 1: having this conversation with my friend the other day about 162 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 1: a photo that was taken of her and someone that 163 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: we knew posted it online and I screen chotted it 164 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 1: and I sent it to her being like, you look 165 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 1: absolutely gorgeous in this photo because she really did. She 166 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:51,320 Speaker 1: looked amazing, and her response was so interesting because she 167 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 1: absolutely hated it. What we notice and dislike about ourselves 168 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 1: is so subjective compared to how other people see us, 169 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: and aside from our own individual evaluations of our features 170 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: and our abilities and our characteristics that will ultimately impact 171 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,200 Speaker 1: on our confidence levels, there are some other events and 172 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: experiences that I think can be really disruptive and I 173 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: think can be very much linked to those drops in 174 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,520 Speaker 1: self esteem. The first one is really big life events. 175 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: And I know that doesn't sound very logical or very 176 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: much related to self confidence, but it really is, because 177 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: in those moments where you know, maybe we've been fired, 178 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 1: we've lost a close family member, we've just graduated from UNI, 179 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 1: these situations force us into new experiences that we don't 180 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: really have the skills or the capabilities to cope with yet, 181 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: so we're not confident in our experiences. Those periods of uncertainty, 182 00:12:56,160 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: those periods of confusion where things are kind of changing 183 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: all around us, they can really shake our core values 184 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:07,959 Speaker 1: and also shake our self esteem because previously we kind 185 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 1: of knew the lay of the land, right, we knew 186 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: what was happening. We were comfortable, but when a big 187 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: wrecking ball kind of comes in and disrupts that, suddenly 188 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 1: we don't have that confidence in our own abilities because 189 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: everything is new. I think also certain relationships that we 190 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:28,520 Speaker 1: have are really really critical and impactful on how we 191 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:32,959 Speaker 1: see ourselves. I will always remember this guy I was 192 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: dating in late twenty twenty one, and he always used 193 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:40,320 Speaker 1: to make these little comments about the things I did, 194 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:45,360 Speaker 1: or my podcast or my essays at UNI, and those 195 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: little comments, those little things that he said that you 196 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: weren't a big deal in the moment, they kind of 197 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:56,320 Speaker 1: slowly chipped at my confidence. Right now and in this 198 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 1: moment a few years on, I can't remember his exact words, 199 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,960 Speaker 1: but I remember how I felt and how much they 200 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,640 Speaker 1: distorted my self image and my self worth. The things 201 00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:11,320 Speaker 1: that others say, the relationships that we have, and the 202 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 1: attitudes that those people have towards us, the respect that 203 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,720 Speaker 1: they show us, they're going to be hugely impactful on 204 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920 Speaker 1: our confidence. I'm sure for anyone who's listening to this 205 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 1: who's had maybe a narcissistic partner or someone who's spoken 206 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,520 Speaker 1: down to them will relate to that. Right, we care 207 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,040 Speaker 1: about those people who are closest to us and we 208 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 1: care about their opinion, so what they have to say 209 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: can really hurt. So sometimes it's worth evaluating close relationships 210 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 1: and kind of appraising whether the things they say to 211 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 1: you make you feel better, make you feel good about yourself, 212 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:51,680 Speaker 1: or bring you down. Another huge one social media and comparison. 213 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: I really do I need to say more. The content 214 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: that we see online can be so triggering and detrimental 215 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,520 Speaker 1: to our confidence. You know, people with perfect bodies, perfect lives, 216 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: perfect skin, perfect jobs, perfect relationships. It's hard to remember 217 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: that not all of that is real. It's a bit 218 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: of a facade. It's a highlight reel. And I did 219 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 1: a whole episode on kind of how we can stop 220 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: comparing ourselves to others. But the links between social media 221 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 1: and self confidence are endless. You know, there was research 222 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 1: done in Australia, I think a few years back, and 223 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: it shows that the more time you spend on social media, 224 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: the more you're going to compare yourself to others. And 225 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: this social comparison, it's linked to things like lower self esteem, 226 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: poorer confidence levels, and higher social anxiety. So if you're feeling, 227 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,920 Speaker 1: you know, maybe a bit down at the moment you're 228 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: unable to tap into that kind of tenacity and that 229 00:15:54,680 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 1: belief in yourself. Maybe it's important to reevaluate your relationship 230 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 1: with others, but also your relationship with comparison and social 231 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 1: media in particular. And this is really important for what 232 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: I want to discuss next, because the opinions of others 233 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: and the comparison that we create with them is without 234 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 1: a doubt one of the most influential factors that it's 235 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: going to impact our confidence levels. But despite all of 236 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: these obstacles, all of these challenges and environmental factors and barriers, 237 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: we can restore and build our self confidence. That is 238 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: something that we have agency over, something that we are 239 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 1: in control of. All of that and more. In just 240 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: a second, I really want to dive into how we 241 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: can build self confidence, which is essentially the core theme 242 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: of this episode, and I want to do this especially 243 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: if you're someone who doesn't find that confidence comes naturally 244 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 1: to you. I think massive inhibitor for feeling confident and 245 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:08,440 Speaker 1: sure of ourselves, particularly in social situations, is a fear 246 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: of what others are thinking of us, And I want 247 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,399 Speaker 1: to talk about how we can change our mindset to 248 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: kind of discard these fears. The truth is that we 249 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: place a lot of weight on other people's judgments because 250 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:27,520 Speaker 1: we are pack animals who evolutionarily really required the approval 251 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,639 Speaker 1: of our social groups and our peers to survive, and 252 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: that instinct remains, and part of that instinct is being 253 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,919 Speaker 1: very aware of the opinions of others and trying to 254 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: control them. You know, have you ever tried on an 255 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 1: outfit that you absolutely loved and then as soon as 256 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 1: you left the house you suddenly felt really uncomfortable and 257 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: worried about what other people were thinking, Or you know, 258 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 1: you suddenly feel really embarrassed about something that you've said 259 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: in a group situation that I'm sure you know people 260 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 1: around you have quickly forgotten, Or you've met new people 261 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,359 Speaker 1: and you're carefully kind of choosing every movement, every word, choice, 262 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: closely examining how they're responding to you. That is a 263 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: direct result of that instinctual urge. And in those moments 264 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: we don't feel particularly confident. And for many people, it 265 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 1: feels easy to feel sure of ourselves and to speak 266 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: our mind and where what we want when we're alone 267 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 1: or amongst close friends and family, but not so much 268 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,280 Speaker 1: in the presence of strangers or people that we don't 269 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,199 Speaker 1: know that well. But here's a little secret that I 270 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,200 Speaker 1: think we often forget. Nobody is looking at you as 271 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:46,640 Speaker 1: closely as you're examining yourself. Those feelings you have, worrying 272 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: if you look nice, if you're breathing too loudly on 273 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:54,160 Speaker 1: the bus, if people find you annoying, everyone else around 274 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 1: you is having those exact same fears about themselves. We're 275 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: all in our own little selfish bubbles, I guess, and 276 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:07,719 Speaker 1: acknowledging that is probably one of the most freeing realizations 277 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 1: that we can have, because the truth is that no 278 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: one cares as much as you do, and those people 279 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: that do, well, that's new. You know, It's really not 280 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: your problem, honestly, you know, seriously, ask yourself in those moments, 281 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: what does it matter if that person doesn't like me? 282 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:30,719 Speaker 1: Why is their opinion important? Often we place a lot 283 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: of emphasis on what we expect people to think of 284 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:38,119 Speaker 1: us because we are projecting our own inner critic, and 285 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,360 Speaker 1: our inner critic is essentially this little voice in our 286 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: head that likes to point out everything that we've done wrong, 287 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:50,640 Speaker 1: every reason that we are unlovable and unlikable. It demeans us, 288 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 1: and often the way that it does this is by 289 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,159 Speaker 1: using the presence of other people to stifle us and 290 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 1: to make us self conscious, because often we care more 291 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,720 Speaker 1: about what other people think of us than we think 292 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:08,640 Speaker 1: about ourselves. And that's why the potential opinions of others 293 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: is leveraged by our inner critic to keep us from 294 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:17,199 Speaker 1: feeling good about ourselves. But our inner critic it loses 295 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: that power when we essentially take away its main ammo 296 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: or its main weapon, which is caring about the opinions 297 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: of others. And I think one of the biggest things 298 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 1: that I've personally learned in my twenties is that people's 299 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,480 Speaker 1: perceptions of me are their decision and it's their problem, 300 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,119 Speaker 1: not mine. You know. Psychology shows that people are always 301 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:42,639 Speaker 1: going to enter into an interaction or an environment with 302 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:47,360 Speaker 1: the pre existing expectation or a schema, and a schemer 303 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: is essentially their individual internal structure for organizing information, for 304 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:57,439 Speaker 1: making quick judgments or appraisals of a situation, including the 305 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,480 Speaker 1: people within it. These ways of judging the world are 306 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: influenced by a lot of things, and it means that 307 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: when we enter into a new situation, our brain is 308 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 1: unconsciously telling us what to pay attention to, what information together, 309 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,680 Speaker 1: what immediate judgments to make, and these schemes or ways 310 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 1: of seeing the world, they're not only hard to change, 311 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 1: but they're also highly individual. So if someone sees you 312 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 1: doing something and makes an assumption about you based on 313 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,920 Speaker 1: your clothes or your walk or how loud you are, 314 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 1: or whatever it is that has nothing to do with you, 315 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,399 Speaker 1: the next person you know, you see in the street 316 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: is going to have an entirely different schema and therefore 317 00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:46,400 Speaker 1: an entirely different image of you, And you can't control that. 318 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,200 Speaker 1: So you really have no choice but to just I guess, 319 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 1: be yourself, rather than trying to change to make everyone 320 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:57,720 Speaker 1: like you, because how they see you is their problem. 321 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:03,000 Speaker 1: It's an individual issue. Isn't that so liberating? That realization 322 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,119 Speaker 1: that no one cares as much as we do, and 323 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,600 Speaker 1: even if they did, we don't have to care. I 324 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 1: think I really find a lot of peace in this understanding. 325 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: But if it's something that you still find really difficult 326 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 1: to come to terms with or accept, I also think 327 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,879 Speaker 1: it's really worth reminding ourselves about, you know, the finality 328 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,880 Speaker 1: of life and the transitory kind of nature of so 329 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 1: many of our interactions that person whose opinion you care 330 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: so much about. That person does not matter. They'll probably 331 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,879 Speaker 1: never see you again. And I want you to do 332 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 1: this thought exercise with me for a second. Can you 333 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:48,640 Speaker 1: remember the last stranger that you judged? And why can 334 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,680 Speaker 1: you remember the last person you saw and you thought, 335 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 1: you know what, I really don't like their outfit or 336 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: their laugh is really obnoxious. What was that person actually wearing? 337 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,680 Speaker 1: What did that person look like? What was their name? 338 00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:04,840 Speaker 1: That person with a loud laugh or whatever it is. 339 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 1: How often do you actually think about them? These are 340 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,479 Speaker 1: details that we can rarely remember, and the same goes 341 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 1: for other people's momentary and transitory perceptions of us. They 342 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 1: pass and within a few minutes it's really not going 343 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: to matter. And you may be thinking, you know, well, 344 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:28,040 Speaker 1: what about people whose opinions do impact me, like coworkers 345 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 1: or acquaintances. Here's the thing, and be prepared for a 346 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,440 Speaker 1: bit of existential shock. But every single one of those 347 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,959 Speaker 1: people is going to die one day, and so are you. 348 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,199 Speaker 1: And those opinions they had of you, they are not 349 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 1: going to matter. They're not going to matter in five years. 350 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,160 Speaker 1: They're not going to matter. When you're kissing your grandchildren, 351 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:53,479 Speaker 1: or when you're on your deathbed. So why should they 352 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,719 Speaker 1: matter right now? And why not be your true, authentic 353 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,920 Speaker 1: self in this moment. Why not be the most confident 354 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,080 Speaker 1: version of you to wear what you want, express your 355 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:07,680 Speaker 1: opinions because you know they matter, say what you feel, 356 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,359 Speaker 1: speak your truth, trying new things even if you think 357 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: you're going to fail. You know, like I said at 358 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:18,000 Speaker 1: the beginning of this episode, when you realize that life 359 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,960 Speaker 1: is too short to care about what others think, When 360 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: you realize that what other people think about you is 361 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: their problem and not yours, I think the next chapter 362 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,640 Speaker 1: of our life really begins, and it's a chapter that's 363 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:35,880 Speaker 1: really defined by confidence. Definitely easier said than done, though, 364 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,640 Speaker 1: I will say, so what I really want to do 365 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,680 Speaker 1: is kind of guide us through some of the tips 366 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: and strategies that I use to really create and build 367 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 1: myself confidence in the moments when it doesn't really come naturally. Firstly, 368 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 1: sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. 369 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,520 Speaker 1: You know, it's not just a saying. It's a real 370 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,679 Speaker 1: psychological experience when we change the way we perceive ourselves, 371 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,560 Speaker 1: even if it's by lying to ourselves for a bit 372 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,240 Speaker 1: or convincing ourselves that we feel differently to how we 373 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,399 Speaker 1: may internally. This is still going to alter how we 374 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,960 Speaker 1: act towards ourselves. You know, it's like you're playing a part, 375 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,919 Speaker 1: the part of a confident person that's soon, you know, 376 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: not going to feel so fake anymore. And I know 377 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:31,719 Speaker 1: it sounds insincere, but using this principle really does allow 378 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: us to cultivate an attitude of confidence that we may 379 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: not otherwise have. It's the same reason why you know, 380 00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 1: forcing yourself to smile for even a few minutes is 381 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: going to make you happier, even if just for a moment, 382 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: because by faking it, our brains react to that and 383 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:54,000 Speaker 1: begin to feel it. Psychologists have actually studied this idea 384 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,760 Speaker 1: and this saying to fake it till you make it, 385 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,560 Speaker 1: to assess whether there's been any truth behind it, whether 386 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,600 Speaker 1: it's wrecked and not just a popular phrase. Turns out 387 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:07,360 Speaker 1: it is, turns out that it really does mean something. 388 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,720 Speaker 1: We can alter so much about how we feel our confidence, 389 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:17,840 Speaker 1: our happiness, our mood by how we actively choose to behave. 390 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 1: In a very well known study that I'm sure you've 391 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:29,000 Speaker 1: heard of if you studied psychology and UNI, researchers found 392 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: that they could enhance the mood of participants by simply 393 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: asking them to just fake a smile. And the same 394 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:42,439 Speaker 1: goes for confidence. If they asked people to pretend that 395 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,359 Speaker 1: they were playing a part, that they were in a 396 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,440 Speaker 1: play or a movie, and their character was this really confident, 397 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: self assured individual. They found that after they'd engaged in 398 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,000 Speaker 1: this kind of play, after they'd engaged in this experiment, 399 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 1: the people who were acting actually did feel more confident. 400 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 1: And I truly do believe that altering your mindset and 401 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:11,919 Speaker 1: attitude will translate to authentic confidence. You tell yourself that 402 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,120 Speaker 1: you are the most magnetic person in any room, that 403 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,400 Speaker 1: people are drawn to you, that they want to hear 404 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: what you have to say. Tell yourself that your contributions 405 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: are worthwhile. Tell yourself that you are confident. Act the part. 406 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,879 Speaker 1: It works, I promise it really does work. It completely 407 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,880 Speaker 1: changes how we behave I think this links really nicely 408 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:38,120 Speaker 1: to my next tip that I really use religiously, which 409 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: is affirmations. And I know when I say that, when 410 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:45,600 Speaker 1: I talk about affirmations, a lot of people immediately think 411 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,239 Speaker 1: of manifestation and New Age enlightenment, but it has a 412 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 1: lot more to do with scientific evidence. And psychology than 413 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: you might think if you're not familiar with the concept. Essentially, 414 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself, such 415 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: as I am confident or I am valuable, I deserve 416 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 1: to be happy, I attract love, I believe in myself. 417 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: And this may seem bizarre and maybe you're like, Okay, Gemma, 418 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,880 Speaker 1: these are not the tangible, evidence based tips that I'm 419 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 1: used to. But there is genuine evidence and a real 420 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 1: proven psychological theory behind why affirmations actually improve our confidence, 421 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,359 Speaker 1: and one of the key theories behind this is called 422 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 1: self affirmation theory. Essentially, this theory concludes that we have 423 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: the ability and the agency to build up our own 424 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 1: self image and restore it when it's damaged by negative 425 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: comments online or the nasty end of a relationship that 426 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: might damage our self esteem. Essentially, the theory concludes that 427 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 1: we can maintain and build our self confidence by telling 428 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:02,320 Speaker 1: ourselves positive things, and when these are repeated enough, we 429 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 1: begin to believe them. Affirmations are part of that. They 430 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: can really help strengthen our self worth by boosting your 431 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,240 Speaker 1: positive opinion of yourself as well as your outward confidence, 432 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 1: and this is also backed up by research. A study 433 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,720 Speaker 1: done a few years back. It looked at people who 434 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:26,000 Speaker 1: regularly practiced positive affirmations about themselves, and this was an 435 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: MRI study, so it particularly looked at how the brain 436 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 1: reacted to this practice, and the researchers they found that 437 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:40,360 Speaker 1: there are specific neural pathways and areas of the brain 438 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 1: that are involved in confidence and positive valuation and positive 439 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,959 Speaker 1: opinions about ourselves that lit up as soon as we 440 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:55,600 Speaker 1: started practicing positive affirmations. These neural pathways just shone so bright. 441 00:29:55,720 --> 00:30:00,320 Speaker 1: These areas of the brain showed immense activity, and that 442 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 1: kind of goes to that point when we say positive 443 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 1: things to ourselves like I am confident, I am a 444 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: good person, I am nice, I am deserving of the 445 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 1: things that happen to me, of the good things that 446 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 1: happened to me, our brain starts to have a more 447 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: positive opinion of us. Affirmations also have the amazing kind 448 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:25,680 Speaker 1: of healing effect or benefit I guess, of reducing rumination, 449 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: which is the tendency to get stuck on negative thoughts, 450 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: and also promoting a positive and optimistic outlook or mindset. 451 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,480 Speaker 1: So you're not just improving your confidence, but the whole 452 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 1: package deal here. Next, I think creating an environment cultivating 453 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 1: the relationships, the hobbies and activities that bring out our 454 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: strengths can do wonders on our self love journey, the 455 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,320 Speaker 1: reason being that they allow us to connect with our 456 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:59,400 Speaker 1: core values and self perception. In these instances, when we 457 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:03,280 Speaker 1: are doing things that we love interacting with the people 458 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: that we love, we feel our most authentic, and from 459 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:15,520 Speaker 1: authenticity flows confidence. If you're feeling low struggling with loving yourself, 460 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 1: go and do something that you know that you're good 461 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:22,040 Speaker 1: at and that you know that you enjoy. Maybe it's 462 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 1: your daily word or or providing really good advice to 463 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 1: a friend, or going for a run. Doing things that 464 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,960 Speaker 1: we're good at and even better working towards being better 465 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,840 Speaker 1: at them, not just for others, but for ourselves. It 466 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:40,360 Speaker 1: brings out our self confidence because it promotes internal rather 467 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:47,480 Speaker 1: than external validation. Internal validation is so important here because 468 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,880 Speaker 1: it rests solely on our own individual perceptions of ourselves 469 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:57,680 Speaker 1: rather than others. So we essentially get internal validation when 470 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: we do things that align with our core sense of 471 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:04,280 Speaker 1: selves and that we feel proud of. So when we 472 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:09,160 Speaker 1: promote internal validation, it's more within our control. How we 473 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:12,480 Speaker 1: feel about ourselves, our confidence is more within our control. 474 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 1: You know, people who base their self esteem on external 475 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: validation and what other people think rather than what we 476 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:24,280 Speaker 1: think about ourselves, they tend to have poorer self self confidence. 477 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 1: And this is because, like we said before, the opinions 478 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: of others are not within our control. They can be 479 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: really inconsistent and fickle, and they often result in us 480 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:40,720 Speaker 1: focusing more on pleasing others out of fear of their judgment, 481 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:46,360 Speaker 1: rather than making ourselves happy. I think it also perpetrates 482 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:51,040 Speaker 1: a very toxic cycle whereby the more we need validation 483 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,680 Speaker 1: from others, the more that it isn't enough, and we 484 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:59,280 Speaker 1: crave it without ever really sitting down and questioning whether 485 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 1: we like our selves. Internal validation is your best friend, 486 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,680 Speaker 1: and there are ways that we can encourage it. One 487 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,600 Speaker 1: exercise that my therapist told me to do, which I 488 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:17,600 Speaker 1: found so so valuable, is to write down five things 489 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:21,320 Speaker 1: that you love about yourself, Not things that other people 490 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:25,160 Speaker 1: necessarily like about you, not things to do with your appearance, 491 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 1: but core parts of your being, core parts of your 492 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 1: personality that you love. And I think when she had 493 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,480 Speaker 1: me do this exercise, I said things like, I love 494 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,640 Speaker 1: how motivated I am or I love that I'm really decisive, 495 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:45,480 Speaker 1: And then she asked me to consciously recognize every time 496 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: I did something that aligned with that quality that I loved, 497 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,040 Speaker 1: and it really helped. I would really recommend because it 498 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: builds up the validation that you have for yourself. You 499 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:58,560 Speaker 1: no longer need to look to other people to feel confident. 500 00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: If you can say yourself like, wow, I'm amazing, I 501 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,640 Speaker 1: can't believe I did that, or think about how much 502 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 1: you've achieved, or wow, I'm so motivated and I can 503 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,320 Speaker 1: see that I'm motivated in my actions, we become naturally 504 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,919 Speaker 1: more confident. I think a lot of these tips are 505 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:21,120 Speaker 1: concerned with changing our internal self perception rather than things 506 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:25,840 Speaker 1: about our our appearance or our environment. But you know, honestly, 507 00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:30,479 Speaker 1: sometimes there is nothing better than wearing something you really 508 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:34,239 Speaker 1: love and putting on an amazing song and strutting down 509 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,000 Speaker 1: the street to improve your confidence, or just you know, 510 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 1: really liking a photo that you look great in, or 511 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:44,680 Speaker 1: a random compliment from a stranger. You know, the other week, 512 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,480 Speaker 1: this older lady at the bookshop said I had really 513 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,239 Speaker 1: nice eyes. And let me tell you, the confidence from 514 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,880 Speaker 1: that lasted for at least a week. It was so 515 00:34:54,920 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 1: affirming because sometimes we do need external validation. It feels good, 516 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,359 Speaker 1: and I know I focused a lot on our own 517 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:08,279 Speaker 1: internal perspective and opinion of ourselves. But it doesn't mean 518 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:12,080 Speaker 1: that you need to disregard anything nice someone says to 519 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:16,520 Speaker 1: you or does for you, because it does really feel good. 520 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:21,800 Speaker 1: It's just about finding that healthy balance and recentering yourself 521 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:27,680 Speaker 1: on what matters. I truly, truly believe that self confidence, 522 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,919 Speaker 1: self love, self assurance. It's not about our environment. It's 523 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:36,759 Speaker 1: not about how you look or any kind of external factors. 524 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:42,080 Speaker 1: It's about your internal and individual perception. And you can 525 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,200 Speaker 1: change your appearance as much as you want. But if 526 00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 1: you don't know, don't address your internal insecurities and how 527 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:53,480 Speaker 1: you feel about yourself. There is no diet, there is 528 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:57,440 Speaker 1: no fashion choice, no exercise habit, no makeup in the 529 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,640 Speaker 1: world that is going to make you feel better about 530 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:04,680 Speaker 1: yourself if your internal perception and if your mind isn't 531 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 1: already on board. Confidence is an internal process that can 532 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 1: be aided by, you know, really positively affirming who you 533 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,920 Speaker 1: are by saying those statements to yourself that I am confident, 534 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,520 Speaker 1: I am valuable, I am attractive, I find myself attractive. 535 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:25,600 Speaker 1: My body does what I want it to do. I 536 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:27,920 Speaker 1: don't need to care about what other people think about it, 537 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: or you know, I like what I'm wearing. Your opinion 538 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 1: is the only one that really matters in these instances, 539 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:39,000 Speaker 1: and really staying focused on that, not letting other people's 540 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:43,080 Speaker 1: negative criticisms or even your expectations of what they may 541 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:46,640 Speaker 1: think about you impact on your own self worth, I think, 542 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,400 Speaker 1: is really the secret ingredient to feeling really, really confident. 543 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,600 Speaker 1: I think it's important to remind ourselves that there are 544 00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: going to be days where we do not feel amazing 545 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:03,720 Speaker 1: about ourselves where you are not confident. That's totally normal, 546 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:08,120 Speaker 1: like any feeling, like any attitude, it ebbs and flows. 547 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 1: But researching this episode, really understanding where confidence comes from, 548 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,360 Speaker 1: what impacts it, I think what it made me realize 549 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,680 Speaker 1: was that it is actually something within my control, and 550 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,760 Speaker 1: that there are so many instances in which I don't 551 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:26,040 Speaker 1: put my opinion of myself first. I put the opinion 552 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 1: of someone else, and sometimes that can actually lead us 553 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:32,440 Speaker 1: into situations in which we're doing things that we know 554 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:37,600 Speaker 1: that don't really align with our values. Recentering yourself at 555 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:42,879 Speaker 1: the center of your own world is so important, and 556 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,040 Speaker 1: I don't think it means you have to completely dismiss 557 00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:50,400 Speaker 1: everyone else's opinions. But practicing that self love, practicing those affirmations, 558 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:56,080 Speaker 1: listening to amazing freaking music, and dancing around in your underwear, 559 00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: if that's what makes you feel really, really good, that's 560 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,640 Speaker 1: what you should do, because it really is up to 561 00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 1: you to kind of engage with how you feel and 562 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,759 Speaker 1: change your environment, change your internal attitudes to reflect how 563 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 1: you want to be. I think that's all we have 564 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,840 Speaker 1: time for today, but thank you for following along. I 565 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:20,960 Speaker 1: had such an amazing time thinking about this, exploring this, 566 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:26,320 Speaker 1: researching this. Like I said, confidence, it is a huge, 567 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,799 Speaker 1: huge element of our twenties, and it's something that can 568 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,400 Speaker 1: be really confusing. It's something that can be really shaky. 569 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,800 Speaker 1: It's something that we don't always have. But I promise 570 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,680 Speaker 1: that you're getting there. I think I realize that I'm 571 00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:41,360 Speaker 1: getting there. Not every day is going to be amazing, 572 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,520 Speaker 1: but those small, slow steps on our own self love 573 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:50,040 Speaker 1: journey really do lead to long term impacts. And I 574 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:53,919 Speaker 1: truly do believe that all of us can be the 575 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:57,640 Speaker 1: most confident versions of ourselves, all of us can love 576 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 1: ourselves like no other person can in this world, so 577 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,359 Speaker 1: I really hope that you believe that as well. Thank 578 00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,720 Speaker 1: you for listening. Thank you for coming along this journey 579 00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:10,839 Speaker 1: with me if you feel inclined to do so. If 580 00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:14,480 Speaker 1: you did really enjoy this episode, please feel free to 581 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:19,320 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever 582 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:22,680 Speaker 1: you're listening right now. It really helps the show to 583 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:27,560 Speaker 1: grow and to reach new people. If you want to 584 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,680 Speaker 1: follow me on Instagram at that Psychology podcast, I take 585 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:35,160 Speaker 1: episode suggestions. This was one of them. I thought it 586 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,680 Speaker 1: was such an amazing idea, So if there's something that 587 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:42,080 Speaker 1: you want to hear, please send it through. And also 588 00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:45,560 Speaker 1: it's just where I release new episodes and talk about 589 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,120 Speaker 1: what's happening on the show, talk about merch If you 590 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: want to follow, you know, please feel free to do so. 591 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,440 Speaker 1: And thank you so much for listening. I will be 592 00:39:55,480 --> 00:40:01,080 Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.