1 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:10,879 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:22,159 Speaker 1: for our psychology. Big topic this week, big topic for 5 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:27,080 Speaker 1: our twenties as well, we're talking about interpersonal conflict of 6 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: all sorts. On this episode, we're talking about fighting. We're 7 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,920 Speaker 1: talking about the drama of arguments, of fights with family 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: and friends. It's pretty normal to have conflict with people 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,239 Speaker 1: as we're figuring ourselves out, but also in general, not 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: just in our twenties. We fight and we start conflict 11 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: when we misunderstood, when we feel underappreciated, slighted, betrayed, and 12 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: for no reason at all. Really, I think fights between 13 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: our friends, our partners, maybe our colleagues, definitely our families. 14 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: It's a real normal part of daily life, maybe not 15 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: daily life, but life in general. So today I really 16 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: want to discuss the psychology behind why we have conflict 17 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,320 Speaker 1: with people, maybe some more than others, Why we can't 18 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: let things go, why we rehearse arguments in our head, 19 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: and how to release anger towards another person. Psychology has 20 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 1: so much to say about interpersonal conflict. It's a massive 21 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: part of social psychology, so let's dive right in. I 22 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,960 Speaker 1: don't think we need a definition of conflict unless you 23 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 1: are the most peaceful person in the world. I'm sure 24 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: we've all had a fight with someone or a disagreement 25 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: of some kind that went a little bit too far. 26 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: It's a pretty nasty feeling. It's an anxious feeling to 27 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: be fighting with someone close to us, especially when we 28 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,640 Speaker 1: don't really know how it's going to work out or 29 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: if things can be fixed. I don't think that fighting 30 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: with others interpersonal conflict is avoidable, but we can make 31 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: it easier on ourselves and others and have happy outcomes 32 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: rather than disastrous bonds. I guess so there are many 33 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: reasons that conflict in our interpersonal relationships may arise, maybe 34 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: even more common with people we love or who we're 35 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: close to, because we feel comfortable enough to express our 36 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 1: anger and our insecurities. We're also more likely to feel 37 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: misunderstood by the people we believe should understand us, so 38 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: that perception of feeling misunderstood. Perhaps it's not the reality 39 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,000 Speaker 1: that they don't understand you, they probably understand you more 40 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 1: than most people, but that perception that they should know 41 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: they should know how you'd be feeling, they should know 42 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 1: how you'd react to their words, to their actions. So yeah, 43 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: I think when we have people close to us, it's 44 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 1: probably more common that we have that conflict with them. 45 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 1: And I think although there's a lot of dialogue around 46 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,639 Speaker 1: how fighting is healthy for your relationship and ships, which 47 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: it is, and we'll discuss why it doesn't always lead 48 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: to the best outcomes in the moment or in the 49 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 1: long run. If you're screaming at somewhere, you're probably not 50 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: listening to their perspective. If you're really mad, it's very 51 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 1: hard to see where they might be coming from, and 52 00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:18,919 Speaker 1: it's hard to express where you're coming from as well. 53 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 1: Arguing and fighting can actually lead to worse outcomes because 54 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: we don't sit back and think about both sides of 55 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: the narrative. Take this study for example, So a study 56 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: of nurses found that when they argued about patient care 57 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: on the treatment floor, they were less likely to arrive 58 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: at a good decision and lost focus on the task 59 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: at hand in favor of the interpersonal conflict. That's a 60 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: pretty real world example. You know, they're not able to 61 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 1: actually provide care as well. If fighting and conflict is 62 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 1: getting in the way. So where does this kind of 63 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: nastiness not so much nastiness, I don't want to use 64 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: the word conflict again, these disruptions to the harmony of 65 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,960 Speaker 1: our relationships. Yeah, where does fighting come from? Why does 66 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: it occur? Anger at someone can come from quite a 67 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:14,200 Speaker 1: few places, obviously, and there's a few main reasons that 68 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: psychologists have kind of identified as the leading causes of 69 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: arguments amongst people. So, firstly, and we've already mentioned this, 70 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:26,839 Speaker 1: but you feel misunderstood. Misunderstandings are common, and they're often innocuous, 71 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: yet they can create conflict, as I'm sure we're all aware. 72 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 1: Perhaps someone has misheard something you've said and now they're 73 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: anger with you. Perhaps they heard your words correctly but 74 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 1: comprehended them in a manner that did not align with 75 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,839 Speaker 1: your intent. Or perhaps they interpreted your silence in a 76 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: way that was consistent or inconsistent with the message you 77 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: wanted to send. Importantly, people aren't mind readers. My therapist 78 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 1: says this to me all the time. Perception and intention 79 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:01,280 Speaker 1: are completely different, and our intentions aren't always clear, and 80 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:05,919 Speaker 1: it's an effort to always have to deliberately signpost exactly 81 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: what you mean, and it's difficult for people to pick 82 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 1: up on what we're really saying if we're not being clear. 83 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 1: So similar to this, feeling misunderstood in a more general sense, 84 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,240 Speaker 1: maybe the way someone has treated you or something they've 85 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: said really contradicts how you see yourself in aspects of 86 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,839 Speaker 1: your identity that you think are important. So you feel 87 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:32,800 Speaker 1: attacked by what you perceive their kind of idea of 88 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,040 Speaker 1: you as being. You feel misunderstood by how you believe 89 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: they see you, regardless of their source. Misunderstandings can really 90 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: damage relationships if they're not handled swiftly. First, you should 91 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,720 Speaker 1: really ask yourself if you're actually being misunderstood or if 92 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,839 Speaker 1: the other person's read of the situation is maybe warranted. 93 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: I think often we privilege our viewpoints and presume objectivity, 94 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: when in fact what we said can indeed be interpreted 95 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: in so many ways, even slight changes in tone. Another 96 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: study that was done that I found really interesting was 97 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: they gave this script of three lines or to the 98 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: same individuals or the same script to different individuals, sorry, 99 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: and they asked them to read out their lines to 100 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 1: a partner, not someone they were closer to, someone they 101 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: were partnered with, for the experiment, and then afterwards they 102 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 1: asked their partner to rate the tone or the attitude 103 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,279 Speaker 1: of the person or the meaning of what they were saying, 104 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: the emotion behind what they were saying on a scale, 105 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: and they gave them different kind of scale. So how 106 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,040 Speaker 1: happy do you think this person was? Do you think 107 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: this person was angry? Do you think this person was upset? 108 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: And there were like so many different interpretations. And I 109 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,479 Speaker 1: think when that happens, we need to communicate. Tell someone 110 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: how you felt, but also take on board what they 111 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 1: believe their intentions were. Asked them why did you say that? 112 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,720 Speaker 1: Why did you think that was appropriate? And let them 113 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 1: explain themselves, give them a platform to maybe actually fix 114 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 1: what is started. Like I said, people can't read your mind, 115 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: so if you're not clear about your reaction to their 116 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 1: actions or words, resentment, it can start to build. This 117 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,239 Speaker 1: leads us to the second reason. You may find yourself 118 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: fighting or in conflict with someone you care about. Something 119 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,440 Speaker 1: has been building for a while. Maybe it's a comment 120 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: you can't let go of, or a pattern of behavior 121 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: that you haven't called out before, believing that the other 122 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: person will maybe recognize your disappointment themselves. Someday this really happens. 123 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,520 Speaker 1: People aren't going to wake up and be like, oh, 124 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: I think that person is mad at me, and they're 125 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: probably not going to even know where it's started. Instead, 126 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,520 Speaker 1: if you hold on to every slight and start keeping 127 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: a mental list of everything they said, everything they've done 128 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: that they should know is wrong, soon you'll crack, and 129 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: inevitably the outcome will be worse than if you had 130 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,840 Speaker 1: just said something. The moment you recognize you're feeling hurt, 131 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 1: the explosion of emotions that we all probably understand after 132 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: the fact is never helpful because it's likely your partner, 133 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 1: or your friend or your family member doesn't even remember 134 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: what caused you to be upset in the first place. 135 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: They can't remember that comment. They may they can't remember 136 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 1: that time you know, you looked away or you rolled 137 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,439 Speaker 1: your eyes, and they'll feel attacked and immediately on the defensive. 138 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: And we're going to discuss why people react this way 139 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,360 Speaker 1: to confrontation in a few minutes. But finally, the last 140 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 1: reason that psychologists have found we fight for you feel 141 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 1: hurt by someone's actions. This is probably the most obvious reason. 142 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: Maybe they have done something deliberately and you feel betrayed 143 00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: or lied to and hurt, and that's completely valid. Sometimes 144 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,280 Speaker 1: times fighting in these situations can be useful, especially in 145 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: romantic relationships. Obviously it has its limits, but not talking 146 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:12,679 Speaker 1: about resorting to physical violence, but expressing your emotions right 147 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: away is probably a good practice to have rather than 148 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:20,559 Speaker 1: waiting for that volcanic volcanic eruption of anger and resentment 149 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: and attacks. Heaps of studies have found that fighting with 150 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 1: a partner, a boyfriend, or a girlfriend might actually be 151 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 1: quite healthy. I always remember this one scene from the Office. 152 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: I don't know why it's really stuck with me, but 153 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: if you are in office, an office CONSTI like myself. 154 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 1: If you've watched it a few times or maybe just once, 155 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,520 Speaker 1: you'll know Jim and Pam, even if you haven't watched 156 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: The Office. Jim and Pam the couple, you know, the 157 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 1: star couple of the show. And after they've been married 158 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: for a couple of years, they start to have these 159 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: this sense of misunderstanding that their needs aren't being met 160 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: and Jim, they're at this of climax of this, you know, 161 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,080 Speaker 1: they're almost at the point where they just need to fight, 162 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 1: and they Jim says to Pam you know, I don't 163 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: want to go home because if we go home, we're 164 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,240 Speaker 1: just going to find Pam says, I want to fight. 165 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 1: I really want to. And that's kind of a really 166 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 1: healthy way of seeing it. She's not avoiding it another 167 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: minute longer. She's not saying, oh, this can wait, because 168 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: it can't. And she knows that if things build up, 169 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: I guess it's just going to lead to worse outcomes. 170 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: So she says, I want to have that argument. A 171 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 1: couple goals, honestly, and when you fight with someone, I 172 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 1: think the reason it's healthy is because it shows that 173 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:38,439 Speaker 1: you both care. If you didn't, you wouldn't be concerned 174 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,839 Speaker 1: with feeling like your perspective had to be understood or 175 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: that you needed the conflict to resolve. When I guess 176 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 1: partners fight within an environment that allows clear expression, this 177 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 1: can help strengthen their bond, with partners both kind of 178 00:10:55,520 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: actively participating to resolve the disagreement. There's comfort as well, 179 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,319 Speaker 1: a learned comfort in knowing that conflicts can be maturely 180 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: and warmly handled without risking the relationship's future. It's kind 181 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 1: of a really good way to avoid anxiety around upsetting someone, 182 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 1: or avoid anxiety around, you know, are they mad at me? 183 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,079 Speaker 1: If you get into that practice of just speaking your 184 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 1: mind early, and I think with this, partners can freely 185 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:31,479 Speaker 1: bring up disappointments, unhappiness without leaving room for resentment. Ultimately, 186 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: this can kind of help to strengthen the relationship and 187 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,680 Speaker 1: probably improve its odds of lasting. I would say so, 188 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 1: I don't know any couple who would have lasted a 189 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: long time who wouldn't have had an argument. It's like, 190 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: once you get over that first few arguments, you know, 191 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,679 Speaker 1: it makes you a lot stronger and you learn more 192 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: about the other person. Because I think somewhere in the 193 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,480 Speaker 1: process of listing out your grievances and offering your partner's 194 00:11:54,520 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: clarification in uncertain areas or accepting your partner's clarification, you 195 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,079 Speaker 1: both learn new things about each other. You learn what 196 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: upsets them, You learn what maybe triggers them, what behaviors 197 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: they don't like, how you can treat them better. It 198 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,839 Speaker 1: might also be things like communication methods, So maybe your 199 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,840 Speaker 1: partner's voice goes lower when they are feeling particularly hurt, 200 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: and that's something you can pick up on in the future. 201 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,920 Speaker 1: And it could also be knowing that certain practices like 202 00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 1: cuddling before bed and non negotiable for their happiness, because 203 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: if they're bringing it up with you, they know what's 204 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 1: best for them, and they know what they like and 205 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: what they don't like and what makes them happy. And 206 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: other times it may simply be learning about their hopes 207 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 1: for the relationship, but also your fears, like if you're 208 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:43,640 Speaker 1: worried about fighting, are you fearful that you know your 209 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: partner might leave you? Are you fearful that something's wrong? 210 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: So so far those kind of ones we just talked about. 211 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 1: We've been talking about conflict or fights that seem to 212 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 1: have a purpose us or which are trying to get 213 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: us to a place of deeper understanding. And I know 214 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: I used intimate relationships are like you know, partners as 215 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: an example, but I can also apply to friends as 216 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: well and to family getting to you know, having the 217 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,560 Speaker 1: opportunity to strengthen your bond and understand what's okay and 218 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,840 Speaker 1: what's not in your relationship. But what about the times 219 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: when we really don't need to be arguing. Why do 220 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: we start fights when we don't want to have a 221 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: fight and we don't want to argue. Sometimes we can 222 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:33,800 Speaker 1: get into these argument cycles, especially with intimate partners, and 223 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,439 Speaker 1: this is something that social psychology has seen a lot 224 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,120 Speaker 1: when we look at married couples, or we look at 225 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 1: partners who are in long distance or long term relationships. 226 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 1: So this happens when we're arguing about the same thing 227 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: over and over again, even when we don't want to, 228 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: even when we feel like previously we've come to a 229 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 1: good conclusion. So these argument cycles are usually caused by 230 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: negative communication patterns that restrictstanding and respect in a relationship, 231 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: or that kind of force that understanding to only be 232 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,960 Speaker 1: in the short term. You know, maybe you're just accepting 233 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: that person's viewpoint just to finish the argument and you 234 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 1: never actually do reach a good understanding of where they're 235 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: coming from. On a deeper level, it's not really the 236 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: topic of the argument that matters. It's what the need 237 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: to argue represents. And that might be poor communication, it 238 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: might be unresolved problems, but I might also just be 239 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: that you didn't you didn't listen the first time. Apart 240 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: from argument cycles, which if you're interested in you should google, 241 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,680 Speaker 1: it's if you're finding yourself in that situation, it's completely 242 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: normal and it's yeah, there's a lot of interesting research 243 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: behind it. So if you're interested, have a Google. But 244 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: there are other reasons we may argue just for the 245 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: sake of it. So if you've followed the science of 246 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: sleep at all, you know that missing sleep has all 247 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,880 Speaker 1: kinds of negative effects. I'm such a proponent of this. 248 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 1: Everyone knows if you don't get enough sleep, if you 249 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 1: don't get those seven eight hours, what are you doing? 250 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: Go back to bed? How now call in sick. It's 251 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 1: bad for your health, your brain, and your ability to 252 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: get things done. And I think sleep also plays an 253 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: important role in arguments as well, even when you kind 254 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: of weed out the effects of related issues like stress 255 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: and anxiety. And a study that looked at couples in 256 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: a laboratory found that even just one partner had gotten 257 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: two little sleep, both partners were less likely to act 258 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: warmly towards one another or resolve problems, and more likely 259 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 1: to get into fights. And it's this idea of like 260 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 1: a self fulfilling prophecy or reciprocation effect, which we've talked 261 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:48,240 Speaker 1: about a few times. So reciprocity, I can never pronounce it. Reciprocity. Yeah, 262 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: the reciprocity. I don't know why I keep saying it. 263 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: But that effect where if someone is treating you warmly, 264 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: you'll respond warmly, and if someone is cranky and in 265 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 1: a bad mood, you'll probably respond in the same way. 266 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: Conflict may also arise because you're irritated or you're projecting 267 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 1: on someone close to you, so Freud's idea of projection 268 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 1: is super important when we consider interpersonal conflict, especially amongst 269 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 1: people close to us. Projection it occurs when we place 270 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: our unwanted emotions and feelings onto someone else who was 271 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 1: not the intended target. We displace our feelings onto them 272 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 1: because we may be frustrated at someone else or another situation, 273 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 1: but feel like we can't really voice our anger or 274 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: frustration to the person or to the situation who really 275 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: deserves it. And I had this happened to me the 276 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: other day. I was really frustrated at this person. I 277 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 1: was saying, I can't remember why. It's probably reasonable though, 278 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,000 Speaker 1: and I was in a bad mood, and my sister 279 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 1: asked me to drive her somewhere, and I didn't want 280 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: to because I was irritated, and she pushed it and 281 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 1: I just got really upset and we ended up having 282 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: like a bit of a screaming match. We had a 283 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 1: bit of an argument. But the thing is I wasn't 284 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: mad at her, like I wasn't upset. She just wanted 285 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 1: to drive to office works. I was mad at that 286 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,879 Speaker 1: other person, but couldn't express it to them, So I 287 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 1: found a new target, someone close to me. And projection 288 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: could be the reason why you keep snapping at people 289 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,879 Speaker 1: who you really don't have the main problem with, and 290 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,119 Speaker 1: it can leave you feeling really guilty. You know, maybe 291 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: it's like a close friend or your housemate and you're 292 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,440 Speaker 1: just in such a rotten mood, you've had a bad 293 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 1: day at work, and they're the ones who kind of 294 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: the sharp end of it. We're going to talk about 295 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: what to do on those situations. What you shouldn't do 296 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: in a fight. If you want to have a healthy 297 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: and happy conclusion, so you and someone are fighting, what 298 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,560 Speaker 1: shouldn't you do? That's a really big question. I think 299 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,359 Speaker 1: people ask the therapist or other people a lot. What 300 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: shouldn't you do? What's not effective? And the first thing 301 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,199 Speaker 1: is criticism. You really shouldn't criticize someone when you're arguing 302 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,520 Speaker 1: with them. Criticism happens when you're critical of your partner's 303 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: personality rather than the action or behavior or trying to 304 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: talk through And there's a distinction between a criticism and 305 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: a complaint. They argue that expressing a complaint today being 306 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: this person that I was reading this from. So this 307 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:26,160 Speaker 1: author argues that expressing a complaint is an important component 308 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 1: of a healthy relationship and it reduces the likely of 309 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:33,800 Speaker 1: built up suppressed anger, which we've talked about. Expressing a criticism, however, 310 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: involves making an accusation against the person's personality. A complaint 311 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,479 Speaker 1: often starts with I, whereas a criticism starts with you. So, 312 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 1: for example, a complaint might be I'd love to eat 313 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: I don't want to eat leftovers for dinner every week, 314 00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: whereas a criticism might be you always order too much food. 315 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: Contempt or commonly follows criticism, and it's problematic because it 316 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 1: can be poisonous to any kind of relationship. You have, 317 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 1: so want to keep contempt out of our fights. So contempt, 318 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,199 Speaker 1: according to this Scotman model, which is really interesting if 319 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,919 Speaker 1: you want to google it, is statements made with the 320 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: intention of insulting or psychologically wounding your partner. So common 321 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,640 Speaker 1: ways in which contempt is often expressed in a relationship 322 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: is through sarcastic remarks, antagonistic commentary, mocking behavior, or hostility, 323 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,159 Speaker 1: and it's such a strong emotion, but you would be 324 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,840 Speaker 1: surprised how often it's used against others and used against 325 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: your otherwise well meaning partner. Contempts hurt. Contempt hurts the 326 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,800 Speaker 1: person you're arguing with, and it hurts your relationship, so 327 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,679 Speaker 1: it's good to keep it out. I think couples are 328 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,200 Speaker 1: often so focused on feeling defensive that it can become 329 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 1: an instinctual reaction. So this Gootman model, it's said to 330 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,399 Speaker 1: kind of try to not feel defensive, try and just 331 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,200 Speaker 1: get your point across, but accept what the other person 332 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,120 Speaker 1: is saying. It doesn't matter what was said or what 333 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,040 Speaker 1: was intended when they said it. The other person and 334 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:05,000 Speaker 1: feels hurt and reacts defensively, so effectively, defensive reactions means 335 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,479 Speaker 1: you're like, you're pre guessing, you're not listening, You're just 336 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,560 Speaker 1: looking for a way to defend yourself, and it's not 337 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 1: going to make you very good at solving real problems 338 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,879 Speaker 1: in real time. The other thing you really shouldn't do, 339 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:22,159 Speaker 1: And this fucking annoys me so much. Stonewalling. Stonewalling happens 340 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 1: in a relationship when one or both people in the relationship, 341 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: and I'm not just talking about romantic It could be 342 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,879 Speaker 1: with a friend, with a housemate, with a family member. 343 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 1: But it happens when one party stops reacting or responding 344 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: to the other. And this occurs most often after all 345 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: the other communication patterns criticism, contempt, and defensiveness have been 346 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,880 Speaker 1: a standard part of your relationship for some time. So 347 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: likely you're feeling overwhelmed by the problems in your relationship 348 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,720 Speaker 1: with the other person, so you just withdraw emotionally from 349 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,199 Speaker 1: each other. Stonewalling is an active gesture in that it 350 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 1: clearly intends to convey a lack of care or interest. 351 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 1: And we talk about this. Fighting is good. It shows 352 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,720 Speaker 1: you still interested. So if you're stonewalling someone, it shows 353 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 1: to them that you don't really give a damn, And 354 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,000 Speaker 1: it's an indication that your relationship is probably becoming a 355 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,200 Speaker 1: little bit unstuck. If you're not even willing to talk 356 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: about it, let the other person speak. Take time away 357 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,840 Speaker 1: from the argument. And that's the other big one. I 358 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,440 Speaker 1: saw this TikTok about this couple and when they argue, 359 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,919 Speaker 1: they have this time out simbol one. It's just the 360 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: timeout symbol, and it means that they need a break 361 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,200 Speaker 1: and they should go on a walk or do something 362 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: that they like doing together. And I thought that was 363 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: so smart. I was like, Wow, I wish I could 364 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 1: do that with someone, Like I'm having an argument with 365 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,320 Speaker 1: my mom. I'm like, my god, mom, time out. I 366 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,720 Speaker 1: wish that was something we could do, which we probably could. 367 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 1: It's a really really healthy strategy. There are some people, though, 368 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: who seem to always be having conflict, maybe with you 369 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,199 Speaker 1: or with others. Maybe you have a friend who seems 370 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: to always have some grievance with your mutual friends, or 371 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,919 Speaker 1: is arguing with their partner in and week out, and 372 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: although the latter sounds like more of a problematic relationship 373 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: than anything else, these kinds of people are known as 374 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,480 Speaker 1: high conflict individuals, people who have a pattern of high 375 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:16,120 Speaker 1: conflict behavior that increases fighting in arguments with others rather 376 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: than reducing or resolving conflict. This pattern usually happens over 377 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: and over again in many different situations with many different people. 378 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,520 Speaker 1: It's not just that when they're cranky and tired they 379 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: start conflict, or it's just with their boyfriend. It's kind 380 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,239 Speaker 1: of a universal pattern and the issue that seems in 381 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,919 Speaker 1: conflict at the time, it's not what's increasing the conflict. 382 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,040 Speaker 1: This person could argue about anything. The real issue is 383 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: the high conflict personality and how the person approaches problem solving. 384 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,920 Speaker 1: So with these high conflict individuals, the pattern of behavior 385 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 1: might include blaming others, all or nothing, thinking, unmanaged emotions, 386 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:56,280 Speaker 1: extreme behaviors, stonewalling, and it can be really hard to 387 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 1: maintain relationships with these people as your friends, as people 388 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,840 Speaker 1: in your lives. We don't like being in conflict, we 389 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: don't like being threatened, and in general, people tend to 390 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 1: want to avoid a confrontation. So if you've got someone 391 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,480 Speaker 1: who seems to almost get joy out of it or 392 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: seems to make it a ritual, you don't really not 393 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: going to want to be around them. Very often, yelling 394 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:22,679 Speaker 1: at someone, fighting with someone, expressing anger immediately places someone 395 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,600 Speaker 1: on the defensive, which we already kind of mentioned, and 396 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: this is important to understand on a deeper level from 397 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:39,280 Speaker 1: a psychological perspective because it leads to worse outcomes into personally. So, 398 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: how does our brain react when we feel threatened. When 399 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,440 Speaker 1: we perceive a threat, The amygdala, which is an area 400 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,240 Speaker 1: of the old brain deep in the olympic system, it's 401 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 1: responsible for fear and fear responses. The amigduala sounds in alarm, 402 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: releasing a cascade of chemicals in the body, stress hormones 403 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,359 Speaker 1: like add adrenaline and cortisol. They fly our system, immediately 404 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: preparing us to fight or to flee. So when this 405 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 1: deeply instinctive function takes over, we call it what Daniel 406 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 1: Coleman coined as amygdala hijack. So the act of amigdoala 407 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: almost immediately shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal cortex. 408 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: Prefrontal cortex is where we make decisions and we problem solve, 409 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: so we become disorientated in a heated discussion, and like 410 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:32,640 Speaker 1: I said, complex decision making disappears, as does our access 411 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,000 Speaker 1: to multiple perspectives. As that's kind of a way. Our 412 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,400 Speaker 1: frontal lobe is also responsible for empathy, so being able 413 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,680 Speaker 1: to kind of step into someone's else's shoes. So as 414 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 1: our attention narrows, we find ourselves trapped in one perspective 415 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: that makes us feel the most safe. You know I'm 416 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,240 Speaker 1: right and you're wrong, even though we ordinarily would be 417 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,000 Speaker 1: able to see the other person's side. And if that 418 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 1: wasn't enough, our memory becomes untrustworthy as well, because this 419 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 1: old brain, it shuts down all of the kind of 420 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 1: accessory functions, just focuses on the thing that's happening in 421 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 1: the moment, the threat in the moment. So have you 422 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,680 Speaker 1: ever been in a partner with a friend or your partner, 423 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 1: been in a fight with a partner or your friend, 424 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,120 Speaker 1: and you literally cannot remember a single positive thing about them? 425 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 1: You know, you're in this fine and you're like, oh 426 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,440 Speaker 1: my god, I fucking hate this person. It's as though 427 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: our brain drops the memory function altogether in an effort 428 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 1: to survive the immediate threat. And when our memory is 429 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,400 Speaker 1: compromised like this, we can't recall something from the past 430 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,840 Speaker 1: that might actually help us calm down. In fact, we 431 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,480 Speaker 1: can't really remember much of anything, perhaps even how we 432 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:44,440 Speaker 1: even got there. Instead, we're simply filled with this flashing 433 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 1: red light of the amygdala indicating danger, danger, protect attacked react, 434 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 1: and in the throes of amigdala hijack, we can't choose 435 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,119 Speaker 1: how we want to react because of those instinctual protective 436 00:25:56,160 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 1: mechanisms in the nervous system, or more specifically, the limbic system. 437 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 1: So that's kind of an explanation as to why we 438 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: don't like confrontation, But there's a way that our brain 439 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,000 Speaker 1: kind of prepares us for it. So have you ever 440 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,840 Speaker 1: found yourself rehearsing arguments in your head. I'm sure that 441 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 1: you have fantasizing about what you would say to someone 442 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 1: to really get to them, what you would say to 443 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 1: someone to win the argument or to shock them. There 444 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,400 Speaker 1: is a reason why our minds do this and why 445 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: it can feel so satisfying to lie in bed or 446 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:33,160 Speaker 1: sit in the shower and rehearse hypotheticals or play conflict 447 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: out in our minds, when in reality those situations would 448 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:42,879 Speaker 1: be quite stressful. So by rehearsing conversations, we're trying to 449 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 1: get our meads net. If we're not good at assertive communication. 450 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,760 Speaker 1: Sometimes rehearsing those conversations in advance can be a way 451 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 1: of becoming more confident when difficult chats kind of approach. 452 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: It can also provide a release without requiring us to 453 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 1: actually have the argument it. So, sometimes rehearsing the arguments 454 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,600 Speaker 1: in our head distracts us from the real source of distress, 455 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,359 Speaker 1: you know, like is my relationship going to end? But 456 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,199 Speaker 1: it also provides an outlet so that we kind of 457 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 1: release some of the tension that might be building up. 458 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,200 Speaker 1: So it's kind of a way of avoiding the other 459 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,600 Speaker 1: problem or the obvious problem and instead focusing on the 460 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,879 Speaker 1: minute details of the argument at hand and evading the 461 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: bigger picture and its implications to give our brain not 462 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: only practice but a sense of release before the actual storm. Anyway, 463 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,720 Speaker 1: I thought that was really interesting, a small tidbit for 464 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:39,439 Speaker 1: those who find themselves rehearsing or imagining hypothetical arguments in 465 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,680 Speaker 1: the shower and the car. I do that all the time. 466 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: It's so it's kind of fun but makes sense from 467 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 1: a psychological perspective. My brain kind of gets off on 468 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: it because it's like a little treat without having to 469 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: do the real thing. But we do. We start fights 470 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,680 Speaker 1: for so many reasons, and it's so important not to fester, 471 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,000 Speaker 1: take time to calm down and tap into what we're 472 00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:08,639 Speaker 1: genuinely upset about before projecting and fighting that aftermath of guilt, shame, 473 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,120 Speaker 1: and anxiety that might accompany a conflict, perhaps even when 474 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 1: we didn't even want to have in the first place. 475 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,480 Speaker 1: We've all been there. I've been there, You've been there. 476 00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:21,679 Speaker 1: But changing from a defensive to a receptive state like 477 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,159 Speaker 1: we've talked about, can really be helpful in minimizing the 478 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:30,120 Speaker 1: conflict we have with others. Obviously, I'm not a trained psychologist. 479 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 1: I'm just kind of researching this stuff. But definitely a 480 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 1: lot of these things I bring into my own life 481 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,000 Speaker 1: next time I find myself, you know, arguing with someone 482 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,080 Speaker 1: or not. I don't really find myself in fights, and 483 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,440 Speaker 1: I find that I'm not very confrontational, but someone was 484 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,600 Speaker 1: upset at me. I feel like instead of getting defensive, 485 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 1: a lot of these strategies would be really useful, Like 486 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 1: that timeout strategy. I'm gonna do that. Thank you TikTok 487 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,680 Speaker 1: for showing me the way. Anyhow, I hope you guys 488 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: learned something about why we fight, why we have arguments, 489 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 1: the people in our lives who have arguments more than others, 490 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 1: and how to kind of release that anger and get 491 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: to a better outcome, Especially with someone you might be 492 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,360 Speaker 1: dating or in a long term relationship with. You don't 493 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,560 Speaker 1: really want to lose that person. You've invested time and 494 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,840 Speaker 1: energy and love for a reason. So I hope you 495 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode and you've got something out of it. 496 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,959 Speaker 1: If you've listened all this way. I always say this 497 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,960 Speaker 1: at the end, but if you do feel called, or 498 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,240 Speaker 1: if you've liked this episode and you feel called to 499 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,240 Speaker 1: leave a review, I would greatly appreciate it. You can 500 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:38,160 Speaker 1: leave a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and it 501 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,600 Speaker 1: helps the community of listeners grow, helps people find this 502 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: episode or other episodes that might be interesting to them. 503 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,680 Speaker 1: If you don't want to do it, that's fine. Thanks 504 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: for listening, thanks for tagging along, and I will see 505 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,360 Speaker 1: you guys next week or maybe even in a few 506 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: days when we record our Valentine's Day edition of Loveline. 507 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, and have a lovely evening, morning, 508 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: afternoon wherever you are in the world.