1 00:00:14,956 --> 00:00:15,396 Speaker 1: Pushkin. 2 00:00:30,476 --> 00:00:33,556 Speaker 2: Have you ever noticed these cars with like two three 3 00:00:33,596 --> 00:00:37,476 Speaker 2: teenagers just stopping like waiting for the light. They have 4 00:00:37,556 --> 00:00:39,516 Speaker 2: a music on and the two of them or three 5 00:00:39,596 --> 00:00:42,596 Speaker 2: of them are like singing and dancing, and I'm like 6 00:00:43,316 --> 00:00:46,876 Speaker 2: every time I would be like, oh my God, I 7 00:00:46,956 --> 00:00:47,916 Speaker 2: want a child like that. 8 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,436 Speaker 1: Danny Rashidi always knew she wanted to be a mom. 9 00:00:52,076 --> 00:00:54,436 Speaker 1: She dreamed of raising a kid whose life would be 10 00:00:54,476 --> 00:00:57,796 Speaker 1: filled with carefree moments like singing in the car with friends. 11 00:00:58,836 --> 00:01:02,916 Speaker 1: But when Bannie's child received a significant medical diagnosis, Bannie's 12 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,076 Speaker 1: dreams were upended. 13 00:01:05,076 --> 00:01:07,516 Speaker 2: Just think of it as a videotape that is going 14 00:01:07,596 --> 00:01:13,356 Speaker 2: on in my mind of all this wonderful dreams, and 15 00:01:13,436 --> 00:01:18,356 Speaker 2: you know, everything happy and colorful, and you know, just 16 00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:24,316 Speaker 2: imagine that video stopped and it was blank. There was 17 00:01:24,516 --> 00:01:28,116 Speaker 2: nothing left, not even a little bit nothing. 18 00:01:31,996 --> 00:01:39,396 Speaker 1: On today's episode, Redefining your expectations as a parent, I'm 19 00:01:39,396 --> 00:01:42,236 Speaker 1: Maya Shunker, and this is a slight change of plans, 20 00:01:42,596 --> 00:01:44,796 Speaker 1: a show about who we are and who we needcome 21 00:01:45,076 --> 00:01:59,076 Speaker 1: in the face of a big change. I got to 22 00:01:59,116 --> 00:02:01,436 Speaker 1: know Banni because she's a listener of a slight change 23 00:02:01,476 --> 00:02:04,396 Speaker 1: of plans, and she wrote me a beautiful letter about 24 00:02:04,436 --> 00:02:07,556 Speaker 1: her life story. As I got to know her, I 25 00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:11,716 Speaker 1: felt transformed by her wisdom and life philosophy, and so 26 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:14,876 Speaker 1: I wanted you to hear her story too. From the 27 00:02:14,916 --> 00:02:17,356 Speaker 1: time Danny was a little girl growing up in Iran, 28 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:20,236 Speaker 1: she'd always looked forward to becoming a parent one day. 29 00:02:20,916 --> 00:02:23,676 Speaker 1: She loved nurturing and taking care of her little dolls 30 00:02:24,076 --> 00:02:26,396 Speaker 1: and giving them all the love she had within her. 31 00:02:27,316 --> 00:02:31,716 Speaker 2: And then as I was growing older, as a teenager 32 00:02:31,756 --> 00:02:34,316 Speaker 2: and a young adult, I had started to have all 33 00:02:34,356 --> 00:02:38,076 Speaker 2: these plans, like if I had saw some behaviors in 34 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,516 Speaker 2: some parents, I would be like, I would never do 35 00:02:40,556 --> 00:02:43,796 Speaker 2: that to my children. If this happens with my child, 36 00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:47,516 Speaker 2: this would be my reaction, you know, Like inside my head, 37 00:02:47,716 --> 00:02:55,076 Speaker 2: I was always preparing myself constantly for being the best 38 00:02:55,356 --> 00:03:00,036 Speaker 2: parent that I could. So like having children was not 39 00:03:00,156 --> 00:03:03,076 Speaker 2: a question, was a matter of when, and you know 40 00:03:03,236 --> 00:03:06,996 Speaker 2: how many, And so I feel like I had it 41 00:03:07,156 --> 00:03:08,796 Speaker 2: in me growing up. 42 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:13,916 Speaker 1: In your thirties, you immigrated from Iran to the US 43 00:03:13,996 --> 00:03:17,676 Speaker 1: to continue your medical training and to do your residency here. 44 00:03:18,556 --> 00:03:22,556 Speaker 1: And during that time kind of a magical time, right 45 00:03:22,596 --> 00:03:25,396 Speaker 1: you met your husband, You got the exciting news that 46 00:03:25,916 --> 00:03:29,236 Speaker 1: you were expecting a baby. Girl, Can you take me 47 00:03:29,316 --> 00:03:34,636 Speaker 1: back to the first moment that you saw your daughter, Saba, Oh. 48 00:03:34,516 --> 00:03:41,956 Speaker 2: My goodness, that was the most magical moment of my life. 49 00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:46,276 Speaker 2: I'm holding this little baby, this little perfect baby, after 50 00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:52,196 Speaker 2: a long, long, very tiring delivery, after twenty six hours 51 00:03:52,236 --> 00:03:57,636 Speaker 2: and we were trying. My gosh, Annie, then I'm hauling 52 00:03:57,676 --> 00:04:06,876 Speaker 2: her and her entire life. Like whatever I have had 53 00:04:07,036 --> 00:04:12,996 Speaker 2: planned for her, whatever I have planned to give to her, 54 00:04:14,116 --> 00:04:16,396 Speaker 2: is like playing in my mind like a you know, 55 00:04:16,676 --> 00:04:21,036 Speaker 2: very fast forward video, Like I feel like, what a 56 00:04:21,076 --> 00:04:24,476 Speaker 2: beautiful bride she's gonna make. You know, at that point, 57 00:04:24,516 --> 00:04:26,596 Speaker 2: I knew that she may never want to get married 58 00:04:26,756 --> 00:04:29,076 Speaker 2: or whatever. I mean, that would be her life. But 59 00:04:29,116 --> 00:04:31,236 Speaker 2: then that is as her mother, That is what came 60 00:04:31,276 --> 00:04:33,996 Speaker 2: to my mind that first minute that I'm holding her 61 00:04:34,036 --> 00:04:36,956 Speaker 2: in my arms, and I'm just like looking at her 62 00:04:36,996 --> 00:04:41,116 Speaker 2: like every little thing all like counting her fingers and 63 00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:44,796 Speaker 2: counting her toes and just touching her and feeling her 64 00:04:45,276 --> 00:04:50,676 Speaker 2: and just thinking of the fantastic life that we're going 65 00:04:50,716 --> 00:04:55,276 Speaker 2: to have together, and then just imagining the joy that 66 00:04:55,356 --> 00:05:00,356 Speaker 2: I'll have every second of my life from none just 67 00:05:00,396 --> 00:05:04,836 Speaker 2: by looking at her and just the joy that seeing 68 00:05:04,876 --> 00:05:09,236 Speaker 2: her thrive and being happy and being successful, and who 69 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:13,156 Speaker 2: is enjoying life, and then me enjoying life because of 70 00:05:13,196 --> 00:05:13,916 Speaker 2: her enjoyment. 71 00:05:15,276 --> 00:05:19,236 Speaker 1: You mentioned imagining the wedding day. What were other images 72 00:05:19,276 --> 00:05:21,996 Speaker 1: or milestones that came to mind as you were playing 73 00:05:21,996 --> 00:05:23,476 Speaker 1: this movie real in your mind? 74 00:05:24,556 --> 00:05:27,636 Speaker 2: Have you ever noticed these cars with like two three 75 00:05:27,676 --> 00:05:31,596 Speaker 2: teenagers just stopping like waiting for the light, and then 76 00:05:31,636 --> 00:05:33,836 Speaker 2: they are like, they have a music on and the 77 00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:36,156 Speaker 2: two of them or three of them are like singing 78 00:05:36,196 --> 00:05:40,836 Speaker 2: and dancing. Yeah, And I'm like every time I would 79 00:05:40,876 --> 00:05:44,196 Speaker 2: be like, oh my god, good for their parents. I 80 00:05:44,236 --> 00:05:47,436 Speaker 2: want to try it like that, you know, like having 81 00:05:47,476 --> 00:05:51,716 Speaker 2: that driver's license and going out with her friends, having 82 00:05:51,836 --> 00:05:55,836 Speaker 2: that graduation, just picking whichever college she wants, but then 83 00:05:55,916 --> 00:05:59,516 Speaker 2: like graduating and then me being that prod mother, having 84 00:05:59,596 --> 00:06:02,956 Speaker 2: her boyfriend or girlfriend or whoever she wants, and then 85 00:06:03,036 --> 00:06:05,916 Speaker 2: come back for dinner and then you know, we all 86 00:06:05,956 --> 00:06:08,956 Speaker 2: sit and get introduced to this a special person. And 87 00:06:09,156 --> 00:06:11,596 Speaker 2: then the other thing was that Maya, I have to 88 00:06:11,636 --> 00:06:14,756 Speaker 2: tell you this. The other thing was that I grew 89 00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:24,876 Speaker 2: up with some cultural and some social limitations and just 90 00:06:24,996 --> 00:06:29,396 Speaker 2: thinking that my daughter didn't have to go through those limitations. 91 00:06:30,236 --> 00:06:35,076 Speaker 2: She could be whoever she wanted. She had the opportunity 92 00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:42,516 Speaker 2: to choose whatever she wanted her career, her family, her activities, 93 00:06:42,756 --> 00:06:47,316 Speaker 2: her hobbies, you know, the way she dresses her group 94 00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:53,156 Speaker 2: of friends. That was like a relief for me. 95 00:06:53,276 --> 00:06:57,996 Speaker 1: Also, tell me a bit more about that. So what 96 00:06:58,036 --> 00:06:59,676 Speaker 1: were those kinds of limitations. 97 00:07:00,276 --> 00:07:04,876 Speaker 2: So when I was growing up, women had less freedom 98 00:07:05,196 --> 00:07:09,796 Speaker 2: in Iran than men. For example, you had to be covered, 99 00:07:10,276 --> 00:07:13,436 Speaker 2: you had to be dressed a certain way, you had 100 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:17,956 Speaker 2: to be behaving a certain way, Like if I was 101 00:07:18,036 --> 00:07:21,436 Speaker 2: introduced to a male person, I couldn't shake hands with them. 102 00:07:22,156 --> 00:07:25,276 Speaker 2: Or a woman could not have a passport without a 103 00:07:25,276 --> 00:07:28,356 Speaker 2: written permission from her husband, even though she is like 104 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:31,316 Speaker 2: a professor of the university and wants to attend an 105 00:07:31,316 --> 00:07:35,116 Speaker 2: international conference and have a lecture there. But there still 106 00:07:35,276 --> 00:07:38,476 Speaker 2: you have to have that permission from your husband. And 107 00:07:38,516 --> 00:07:44,356 Speaker 2: then also like out in the society, no singing, no dancing, 108 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:49,556 Speaker 2: no laughing out loud. You couldn't be two three young 109 00:07:49,716 --> 00:07:55,636 Speaker 2: adults having your music loud in the car and dancing 110 00:07:55,876 --> 00:08:01,436 Speaker 2: and singing along. So back to that moment of holding 111 00:08:01,476 --> 00:08:03,956 Speaker 2: my baby in my arms, I was just like thinking, 112 00:08:04,036 --> 00:08:10,836 Speaker 2: oh my god, now she can be a happy, singing, dancing, lood, cheerful, 113 00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:14,596 Speaker 2: jumping up and done little girl, and grew up like 114 00:08:14,716 --> 00:08:19,796 Speaker 2: that and there is nothing to limit her. And that 115 00:08:20,436 --> 00:08:25,396 Speaker 2: gave me this satisfaction and sense of safety. 116 00:08:26,836 --> 00:08:30,716 Speaker 1: When Saba was around fifteen months old, you started to 117 00:08:30,836 --> 00:08:33,716 Speaker 1: notice that she was behaving differently than some of your 118 00:08:33,756 --> 00:08:36,396 Speaker 1: friend's kids. Yes, do you mind telling me a bit 119 00:08:36,436 --> 00:08:36,996 Speaker 1: more about that? 120 00:08:37,556 --> 00:08:42,796 Speaker 2: Yes? Yes, So I remember this very sweet coworker that 121 00:08:42,836 --> 00:08:46,876 Speaker 2: I had. His daughter is a few weeks older than 122 00:08:46,916 --> 00:08:50,116 Speaker 2: my daughter, and he was sharing a video on his 123 00:08:50,276 --> 00:08:56,996 Speaker 2: cellphone of his daughter playing, playing with her toys, feeding 124 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:01,396 Speaker 2: her Mickey Mouse Doyle, you know, being interactive with the 125 00:09:01,476 --> 00:09:04,476 Speaker 2: camera and stuff like that. And then I was thinking, 126 00:09:04,516 --> 00:09:07,436 Speaker 2: oh my god, what a huge difference a few weeks 127 00:09:07,436 --> 00:09:11,196 Speaker 2: makes because Saba doesn't do any of these. She's not interactive, 128 00:09:11,236 --> 00:09:14,196 Speaker 2: and I'm taking videos of her. She's not as interactive. 129 00:09:14,516 --> 00:09:17,636 Speaker 2: She never plays with her doll the way like I was. 130 00:09:17,716 --> 00:09:19,836 Speaker 2: In my mind, I was thinking, Okay, this is something 131 00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:23,956 Speaker 2: that will emerge eventually, but maybe probably she's not ready 132 00:09:24,596 --> 00:09:28,476 Speaker 2: for that yet. And then suddenly I went to this 133 00:09:28,796 --> 00:09:34,356 Speaker 2: like defense mode. No, don't compare your baby with anybody 134 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:38,556 Speaker 2: else's baby. You know, comparison takes the joy away. I'm 135 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:41,396 Speaker 2: not supposed to compare Okay, She'll get to it whenever 136 00:09:41,476 --> 00:09:44,236 Speaker 2: it is time for her. And I kind of like 137 00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:47,596 Speaker 2: pushed that thinking back in my mind and then went 138 00:09:47,636 --> 00:09:50,676 Speaker 2: on with my life. So that was the first thing 139 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:56,276 Speaker 2: around like fifteen months old maybe, And then in the 140 00:09:56,316 --> 00:10:01,556 Speaker 2: next few months that was when she regressed a little 141 00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:05,436 Speaker 2: bit too, meaning that the skills that she already had 142 00:10:06,276 --> 00:10:10,556 Speaker 2: she lost them little by a little, like that eye 143 00:10:10,556 --> 00:10:14,676 Speaker 2: contact that was inconsistent. No, it was not there anymore, 144 00:10:14,916 --> 00:10:19,556 Speaker 2: like no eye contact. She had no words. She even 145 00:10:19,716 --> 00:10:22,796 Speaker 2: lost the babeling, like you know how they start babbling 146 00:10:22,876 --> 00:10:26,876 Speaker 2: like baba ba my mama. And then that was always 147 00:10:26,956 --> 00:10:29,756 Speaker 2: a sign of her being cheerful to me, and then 148 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:36,636 Speaker 2: she lost that. So when it really hit us was 149 00:10:37,916 --> 00:10:41,036 Speaker 2: we had went on a vacation and then we came back, 150 00:10:41,076 --> 00:10:44,156 Speaker 2: and then Sabah and I went to visit my brother's family, 151 00:10:44,716 --> 00:10:48,836 Speaker 2: and the few days that we were there, I noticed 152 00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:53,556 Speaker 2: that she's totally mute. No noise is coming out of 153 00:10:53,596 --> 00:10:56,196 Speaker 2: her except if I tickled her and she would be 154 00:10:56,276 --> 00:11:01,636 Speaker 2: laughing or if she was crying. So we came back, 155 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:06,716 Speaker 2: I started my job on a Thursday. I still remember 156 00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:12,116 Speaker 2: it was Thursday. I go to work Thursday Friday. That weekend, 157 00:11:12,156 --> 00:11:17,356 Speaker 2: I'm staying home with Saba, and the entire weekend I 158 00:11:17,396 --> 00:11:21,076 Speaker 2: cannot There is no noise coming out of her and 159 00:11:21,196 --> 00:11:23,956 Speaker 2: her interactions like she used to play pickaboo with us. 160 00:11:24,076 --> 00:11:27,996 Speaker 2: Now she was not, so all those interactions were lost. 161 00:11:28,796 --> 00:11:32,156 Speaker 2: And the next Monday morning, when I was driving to work, 162 00:11:32,236 --> 00:11:35,636 Speaker 2: I was crying because I knew that something was wrong. 163 00:11:37,436 --> 00:11:42,916 Speaker 1: So you ended up taking Saba to a pediatric neurologist. 164 00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:45,316 Speaker 1: If you can bring me back to that moment, Benny, 165 00:11:46,116 --> 00:11:48,916 Speaker 1: what do you remember his telling you. 166 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:55,636 Speaker 2: So we could squeeze ourselves in to a pediatric neurologist 167 00:11:56,556 --> 00:12:00,756 Speaker 2: schedule on December thirty, two thousand and nine. And then 168 00:12:01,116 --> 00:12:04,836 Speaker 2: my husband and I and Saba we are there waiting 169 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:09,396 Speaker 2: for him. I noticed that there are these mirrors. One 170 00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:12,556 Speaker 2: side of the wall is a mirror, and this is 171 00:12:12,596 --> 00:12:15,356 Speaker 2: one of those mirrors that they can actually see through, 172 00:12:15,516 --> 00:12:18,956 Speaker 2: so they can just watch you and your daughter actually 173 00:12:19,036 --> 00:12:21,916 Speaker 2: watch the patient and then see how their interaction is 174 00:12:21,956 --> 00:12:24,596 Speaker 2: with their parents. And you know, with the toys. The 175 00:12:24,756 --> 00:12:29,356 Speaker 2: room is by the way full of toys, and Saba 176 00:12:29,436 --> 00:12:32,556 Speaker 2: doesn't seem to be interested in any of them except 177 00:12:32,636 --> 00:12:35,596 Speaker 2: for I think a book that she was like, you know, 178 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:39,196 Speaker 2: looking at, but she was not exploring for sure. She 179 00:12:39,276 --> 00:12:42,676 Speaker 2: was just like sitting on the floor just looking at 180 00:12:42,676 --> 00:12:47,276 Speaker 2: that book, flipping the pages and just sitting there minding 181 00:12:47,356 --> 00:12:50,836 Speaker 2: her own business. And then the doctor walks in and 182 00:12:52,196 --> 00:12:55,036 Speaker 2: it didn't take him long. It did not take him 183 00:12:55,076 --> 00:13:00,196 Speaker 2: a long time. He just after maybe a short evaluation 184 00:13:00,316 --> 00:13:03,036 Speaker 2: and a short physical, he just looked at us and 185 00:13:03,076 --> 00:13:08,916 Speaker 2: he said, I think it is autism. And with whatever 186 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:15,916 Speaker 2: he could see, it was the severe end of the spectrum. 187 00:13:15,956 --> 00:13:18,356 Speaker 1: And what did the severe end of the spectrum look 188 00:13:18,476 --> 00:13:19,756 Speaker 1: like for Saba? 189 00:13:19,876 --> 00:13:25,836 Speaker 2: Oh, with profound autism, what comes is severe limitations in communication, 190 00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:32,756 Speaker 2: severe severe limitations including in talking. And on top of autism, 191 00:13:32,796 --> 00:13:35,676 Speaker 2: Saba has apraxia also, and that is she doesn't have 192 00:13:35,756 --> 00:13:39,996 Speaker 2: control over her lips and mouth muscles, tongue and lips 193 00:13:40,076 --> 00:13:43,916 Speaker 2: and all mouth muscles. So even if she is to 194 00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:47,676 Speaker 2: imitate you saying a word, she cannot because she doesn't 195 00:13:47,716 --> 00:13:50,996 Speaker 2: have the control over that area. Even to imitate and 196 00:13:51,076 --> 00:13:57,996 Speaker 2: making the same word. Then there is these extreme, extreme 197 00:13:58,196 --> 00:14:04,316 Speaker 2: sensory issues. Just whatever that is that sounds normal to you, 198 00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:07,756 Speaker 2: and I it will be very, very overwhelming for her. 199 00:14:08,716 --> 00:14:13,196 Speaker 2: And on top of that comes developmental delay. So whatever 200 00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:16,756 Speaker 2: like the developmental milestones that typical kids can get to, 201 00:14:17,236 --> 00:14:24,876 Speaker 2: including puddy training, for example, they come much much later. 202 00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:28,836 Speaker 2: If you're lucky, they come much much later, or they 203 00:14:28,916 --> 00:14:29,676 Speaker 2: may never come. 204 00:14:31,236 --> 00:14:34,476 Speaker 1: Danny, I'm wondering, how did you process this news? 205 00:14:36,396 --> 00:14:38,836 Speaker 2: Just think of it as a videotape that is going 206 00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:44,676 Speaker 2: on in my mind of all these wonderful dreams and 207 00:14:44,716 --> 00:14:50,436 Speaker 2: you know, everything happy and colorful and music y and energetic, 208 00:14:51,316 --> 00:14:57,716 Speaker 2: everything hopeful. Just imagine that video stopped. It was all 209 00:14:57,756 --> 00:15:03,356 Speaker 2: blank and dark. All those dreams of driving and graduation 210 00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:08,436 Speaker 2: and significant other and you know, grandchildren and Thanksgiving dinners 211 00:15:08,436 --> 00:15:13,836 Speaker 2: and all of those We're all shattered and there was 212 00:15:14,796 --> 00:15:18,956 Speaker 2: there was nothing left, not even a little bit nothing. 213 00:15:20,036 --> 00:15:23,556 Speaker 1: Yeah, So how did you move forward? 214 00:15:25,076 --> 00:15:28,716 Speaker 2: Having an infant, having a child with autism, a severe 215 00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:35,036 Speaker 2: autism is hard. You have all those sleepless nights that 216 00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:40,196 Speaker 2: you are tired. Your entire family is tired, you know, 217 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,556 Speaker 2: And then you feel bad for your child that cannot 218 00:15:42,596 --> 00:15:45,516 Speaker 2: fall asleep too. She wants to fall asleep, but she cannot. 219 00:15:47,756 --> 00:15:51,396 Speaker 2: Then there is the poop is mearing playing with their poop. 220 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:56,156 Speaker 2: One a specific night that I thought, okay, she fell asleep, 221 00:15:56,236 --> 00:15:59,916 Speaker 2: she's quiet in her bed, couldn't hear any noises or 222 00:15:59,956 --> 00:16:03,076 Speaker 2: any sounds from her room. Just to open the room, 223 00:16:03,316 --> 00:16:06,236 Speaker 2: to open the door, and then see that, okay, she 224 00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:10,716 Speaker 2: has been like busy in playing with her poop. And 225 00:16:10,756 --> 00:16:17,876 Speaker 2: there is like poop everywhere in the bedroom, and there 226 00:16:17,956 --> 00:16:21,956 Speaker 2: is like because of the limited communication, the comprehension is there, 227 00:16:22,116 --> 00:16:25,596 Speaker 2: the communication is not there. So there is all these 228 00:16:26,396 --> 00:16:29,916 Speaker 2: tantrums and kicking and screaming, and then you have all 229 00:16:29,916 --> 00:16:33,716 Speaker 2: these bite marks on your arm. There is like hair pulling. 230 00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:38,636 Speaker 2: She has bruises on her arm, and her body of 231 00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:42,516 Speaker 2: self injurious like she would pinch herself. Part of these 232 00:16:42,516 --> 00:16:45,156 Speaker 2: sensory issues. And then part of it is just out 233 00:16:45,196 --> 00:16:52,276 Speaker 2: of frustration and anxiety. And there's all this unknown and 234 00:16:52,396 --> 00:16:56,476 Speaker 2: most importantly, you have to learn how to deal with 235 00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:58,716 Speaker 2: all the emotions that convey back. 236 00:17:01,116 --> 00:17:02,116 Speaker 1: Tell me more about that. 237 00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:11,276 Speaker 2: First of all, I felt guilt and I hated myself 238 00:17:12,556 --> 00:17:16,116 Speaker 2: because I felt like I had You know, there is 239 00:17:16,196 --> 00:17:21,076 Speaker 2: this illusion of control like I felt I was I 240 00:17:21,236 --> 00:17:24,596 Speaker 2: was somehow responsible for that, Like what did I do 241 00:17:24,756 --> 00:17:30,596 Speaker 2: wrong in the you know, everyday thing I was like 242 00:17:30,756 --> 00:17:37,436 Speaker 2: just thinking, was that the peri natal vitamins that I 243 00:17:37,436 --> 00:17:40,676 Speaker 2: didn't you know, I skipped them a few days? Was that? That? 244 00:17:41,516 --> 00:17:41,716 Speaker 1: Was that? 245 00:17:41,796 --> 00:17:45,036 Speaker 2: The shampoo, the new shampoo that I used during my pregnancy? 246 00:17:46,036 --> 00:17:50,876 Speaker 2: What did I do wrong that got us to this point? 247 00:17:52,116 --> 00:17:56,396 Speaker 2: And then there was also another version of guilt that 248 00:17:56,436 --> 00:18:02,956 Speaker 2: like in a spirituality, what am I guilty of that 249 00:18:03,036 --> 00:18:08,596 Speaker 2: God or universe is punishing me for? And that was 250 00:18:08,676 --> 00:18:11,316 Speaker 2: much harder there because I felt like I was a 251 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:15,876 Speaker 2: bad person. I am this bad person and I'm getting 252 00:18:15,956 --> 00:18:22,516 Speaker 2: punished because of me being this bad person. So why why? 253 00:18:22,556 --> 00:18:25,836 Speaker 2: What did I do wrong? I couldn't think of anything. 254 00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:30,996 Speaker 2: But then I was like feeling guilty and if I 255 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:36,036 Speaker 2: did something wrong, if I'm guilty of anything, why is 256 00:18:36,076 --> 00:18:40,116 Speaker 2: she being punished for that? Why is she going through 257 00:18:41,596 --> 00:18:48,356 Speaker 2: all this hardship for what reason? Having that profound autism 258 00:18:48,436 --> 00:18:52,116 Speaker 2: is not easy? And why is that she has to 259 00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:55,316 Speaker 2: go through it? And then the other thing was that 260 00:18:55,476 --> 00:19:01,556 Speaker 2: I got into this state of anxiety. You know, growing 261 00:19:01,676 --> 00:19:06,876 Speaker 2: up as a young adult, I was always believing that, Okay, 262 00:19:07,956 --> 00:19:13,316 Speaker 2: you plan life well and you work hard, and you 263 00:19:13,516 --> 00:19:19,316 Speaker 2: get to whatever you want sooner or later. But now 264 00:19:19,716 --> 00:19:23,476 Speaker 2: I was like, I planned it well. I really worked, 265 00:19:23,516 --> 00:19:26,116 Speaker 2: you know, I really I did whatever I could to 266 00:19:26,156 --> 00:19:29,436 Speaker 2: be a good mother during my pregnancy before my pregnancy, 267 00:19:29,996 --> 00:19:33,156 Speaker 2: and I really really really worked hard, and I really 268 00:19:33,196 --> 00:19:38,276 Speaker 2: really really felt prepared for that. Yeah, but then it 269 00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:42,596 Speaker 2: didn't go as planned. So I lost my trust to 270 00:19:42,836 --> 00:19:48,076 Speaker 2: everything in life. You know, I'm like, anything bad can 271 00:19:48,116 --> 00:19:50,876 Speaker 2: happen to me right now, the sky can fall off 272 00:19:51,396 --> 00:19:55,636 Speaker 2: for no reason. So I was in this kind of 273 00:19:55,716 --> 00:20:01,036 Speaker 2: like a very defensive, very like ready for anything to 274 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:06,196 Speaker 2: go bad mode, And that brought me anxiety. 275 00:20:09,756 --> 00:20:11,956 Speaker 1: We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 276 00:20:11,996 --> 00:20:25,916 Speaker 1: of plans. About a year after Bennie's daughter received her diagnosis, 277 00:20:26,036 --> 00:20:29,636 Speaker 1: Bennie settled into a new routine. In the morning, she 278 00:20:29,756 --> 00:20:32,556 Speaker 1: dropped Saba off at a preschool for children with autism, 279 00:20:33,356 --> 00:20:35,716 Speaker 1: and on the drive home, she'd stop by the beach 280 00:20:35,836 --> 00:20:38,476 Speaker 1: to take a walk by herself and think things through. 281 00:20:39,316 --> 00:20:43,116 Speaker 1: On this one morning, Bennie felt particularly reflective. 282 00:20:43,436 --> 00:20:47,276 Speaker 2: So I had all this time to just walk and 283 00:20:47,396 --> 00:20:54,596 Speaker 2: have these inner conversations with me, thinking why me, why this, 284 00:20:55,596 --> 00:21:00,956 Speaker 2: why her? What did I do? Started feeling pity for 285 00:21:01,076 --> 00:21:04,516 Speaker 2: myself and for her, and then feel like I'm a victim. 286 00:21:05,196 --> 00:21:07,796 Speaker 2: And then I see this bird. I see, you know, 287 00:21:08,236 --> 00:21:10,396 Speaker 2: you just see all these groups of birds, and then 288 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,876 Speaker 2: suddenly I can see this bird that has only one leg, 289 00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:20,636 Speaker 2: and I notice that she is moving slower than the 290 00:21:20,676 --> 00:21:27,396 Speaker 2: other birds, but still she's just picking up food from 291 00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:31,156 Speaker 2: the ground, and still she's flying a little bit around, 292 00:21:31,436 --> 00:21:34,396 Speaker 2: and she's part of this group of birds. And I 293 00:21:34,476 --> 00:21:39,396 Speaker 2: didn't really notice the other birds treating her differently, like 294 00:21:39,556 --> 00:21:42,916 Speaker 2: she was part of this group. And she was still like, 295 00:21:42,996 --> 00:21:46,236 Speaker 2: you know, making birdly noises and everything, and was like 296 00:21:47,076 --> 00:21:52,876 Speaker 2: living her life despite her one leg missing. At that 297 00:21:53,076 --> 00:21:56,956 Speaker 2: same moment, I was thinking, this bird didn't do anything wrong. 298 00:21:57,676 --> 00:22:01,156 Speaker 2: Maybe there is no why me, Maybe that is not 299 00:22:01,316 --> 00:22:04,796 Speaker 2: the question. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for any reason. 300 00:22:05,956 --> 00:22:08,676 Speaker 2: This is part of life, this is part of nature. 301 00:22:09,476 --> 00:22:12,836 Speaker 2: So from that moment, I just gave up asking all 302 00:22:12,876 --> 00:22:17,836 Speaker 2: those questions of why me, why her? What did I 303 00:22:17,956 --> 00:22:23,276 Speaker 2: do wrong? What is the reason? All that matters is 304 00:22:23,436 --> 00:22:27,236 Speaker 2: what we have right now and how to get the 305 00:22:27,276 --> 00:22:31,236 Speaker 2: best out of it and just focus on the things 306 00:22:31,236 --> 00:22:35,436 Speaker 2: that we have. Like I feel like if there's an 307 00:22:35,436 --> 00:22:38,356 Speaker 2: earthquake right now and all of us die the moment, 308 00:22:38,476 --> 00:22:42,596 Speaker 2: I'm dying I don't want to be thinking, oh my god, 309 00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:47,076 Speaker 2: I spent all this time emphasizing on how miserable we are. 310 00:22:47,636 --> 00:22:51,356 Speaker 2: I just want to be thinking at least I did 311 00:22:51,476 --> 00:22:55,476 Speaker 2: whatever I could, and at least I enjoyed however much 312 00:22:55,516 --> 00:22:57,676 Speaker 2: of it that I could, and I helped my loved 313 00:22:57,716 --> 00:22:59,276 Speaker 2: ones enjoy it. 314 00:23:00,396 --> 00:23:02,836 Speaker 1: So how did this moment at the beach affect your 315 00:23:02,836 --> 00:23:04,196 Speaker 1: mindset moving forward? 316 00:23:05,716 --> 00:23:12,996 Speaker 2: So that moment a very very very critical moment that 317 00:23:13,196 --> 00:23:16,436 Speaker 2: I can remember and I can't pinpoint. But it has 318 00:23:16,556 --> 00:23:17,516 Speaker 2: been a process. 319 00:23:18,076 --> 00:23:18,676 Speaker 1: Absolutely. 320 00:23:19,156 --> 00:23:21,676 Speaker 2: It has been a long process. And still it is 321 00:23:21,716 --> 00:23:25,196 Speaker 2: a process. You know, I think that, okay, I could 322 00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:29,636 Speaker 2: handle it better today than yesterday, this week than last week. 323 00:23:29,716 --> 00:23:32,396 Speaker 2: It is a process. But then with that moment, and 324 00:23:32,436 --> 00:23:36,956 Speaker 2: then maybe the next few weeks or months after that, 325 00:23:36,956 --> 00:23:42,956 Speaker 2: that that pain went away. It was not painful anymore. 326 00:23:45,076 --> 00:23:48,476 Speaker 2: I was not a victim anymore. My daughter was not 327 00:23:48,556 --> 00:23:54,076 Speaker 2: a victim anymore, My family was not a victim anymore. 328 00:23:56,236 --> 00:23:59,516 Speaker 1: Did the shift change the way that you approached your 329 00:23:59,596 --> 00:24:03,756 Speaker 1: day to day interactions with Saba and your family life overall? 330 00:24:03,916 --> 00:24:10,516 Speaker 2: Oh, definitely, definitely. I gradually started to live life again 331 00:24:11,476 --> 00:24:16,876 Speaker 2: by changing my perspective, by changing my expectations I could 332 00:24:17,156 --> 00:24:21,276 Speaker 2: enjoy life again, and I'm very grateful for that, very 333 00:24:21,356 --> 00:24:25,476 Speaker 2: much so. 334 00:24:23,556 --> 00:24:26,356 Speaker 1: So, Benny. It's been over a decade since that day 335 00:24:26,476 --> 00:24:30,996 Speaker 1: in the doctor's office when you received Sava's diagnosis. Sava 336 00:24:31,076 --> 00:24:34,876 Speaker 1: is now fifteen years old, and I'm wondering what is 337 00:24:34,956 --> 00:24:36,316 Speaker 1: life like for you now? 338 00:24:37,556 --> 00:24:43,796 Speaker 2: Life is very beautiful, life is good, and is really 339 00:24:44,036 --> 00:24:49,836 Speaker 2: really really really hard. But then what makes it bearable 340 00:24:50,716 --> 00:24:55,836 Speaker 2: is you know, Maya, For the longest time, I was 341 00:24:55,876 --> 00:24:59,516 Speaker 2: trying for my family to be as close to a 342 00:24:59,596 --> 00:25:05,996 Speaker 2: typical family as possible, and that was tiring, that was exhausting. 343 00:25:07,076 --> 00:25:10,596 Speaker 2: The moment that I accepted that, guess what, we are 344 00:25:10,636 --> 00:25:15,116 Speaker 2: not a typical family. We are not, then that exhaustion 345 00:25:15,276 --> 00:25:21,676 Speaker 2: went away. Because maybe letting go of trying to be 346 00:25:22,196 --> 00:25:27,996 Speaker 2: typical and then instead just try to get to the 347 00:25:28,116 --> 00:25:32,556 Speaker 2: best or to the happiest that is possible for you 348 00:25:33,436 --> 00:25:38,396 Speaker 2: as a special need family is the answer. Maybe maybe 349 00:25:38,436 --> 00:25:39,876 Speaker 2: that was the answer for me. 350 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,876 Speaker 1: You mentioned that life is still very, very, very hard, 351 00:25:43,916 --> 00:25:48,556 Speaker 1: and one I so appreciate your honesty and your candor, 352 00:25:48,596 --> 00:25:52,196 Speaker 1: and I think that's that's such an important part of 353 00:25:52,236 --> 00:25:55,516 Speaker 1: your story right right, that things can continue to be 354 00:25:55,676 --> 00:25:59,796 Speaker 1: really really really hard, and you can still find beauty 355 00:26:00,036 --> 00:26:03,396 Speaker 1: and joy. What are some of the current challenges that 356 00:26:03,516 --> 00:26:04,996 Speaker 1: you're you're facing as a family. 357 00:26:07,396 --> 00:26:10,676 Speaker 2: One of the major challenges that we have right now 358 00:26:11,156 --> 00:26:15,876 Speaker 2: is that now she is fifteen years old and she 359 00:26:16,036 --> 00:26:21,716 Speaker 2: has the body of a mature woman. She's a little 360 00:26:21,756 --> 00:26:26,556 Speaker 2: bit shorter than I am, and she's heavy, and things 361 00:26:26,596 --> 00:26:30,556 Speaker 2: that were, you know, just controlling her emotions or controlling 362 00:26:30,596 --> 00:26:33,916 Speaker 2: her impulses when she was little was much easier. I 363 00:26:33,916 --> 00:26:36,236 Speaker 2: could just grab her and go, Like if she wanted 364 00:26:36,276 --> 00:26:38,476 Speaker 2: to touch something that she was not supposed to, or 365 00:26:38,556 --> 00:26:41,236 Speaker 2: if she wanted to just run towards something that she 366 00:26:41,356 --> 00:26:44,956 Speaker 2: was not supposed to, I could physically stop her. But 367 00:26:44,996 --> 00:26:49,156 Speaker 2: then right now we don't have that, So helping her 368 00:26:49,476 --> 00:26:57,396 Speaker 2: control her body and just stop herself when her body 369 00:26:57,516 --> 00:27:03,196 Speaker 2: is doing something inappropriate is much more challenging than it 370 00:27:03,276 --> 00:27:09,676 Speaker 2: was before. And still with frustration, tantrums are still there, 371 00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:14,676 Speaker 2: making you know, screamings and stuff are still there, and 372 00:27:15,076 --> 00:27:18,756 Speaker 2: we're working on them work in progress, and we do 373 00:27:18,836 --> 00:27:22,836 Speaker 2: see progresses that be by the way, celebrate, but then 374 00:27:22,956 --> 00:27:24,916 Speaker 2: there are still so many challenges. 375 00:27:26,036 --> 00:27:28,716 Speaker 1: I want to talk about those days where your feelings 376 00:27:28,756 --> 00:27:32,796 Speaker 1: lie somewhere in the middle where you're not quite feeling joy, 377 00:27:32,836 --> 00:27:37,116 Speaker 1: but you're also not feeling deep sadness or frustration or despair. 378 00:27:38,796 --> 00:27:41,276 Speaker 1: Because I have to believe that on the days where 379 00:27:41,316 --> 00:27:45,716 Speaker 1: you're simply feeling neutral towards things that you're not reacting 380 00:27:45,756 --> 00:27:48,316 Speaker 1: as you might have in the past, that that also 381 00:27:48,396 --> 00:27:50,596 Speaker 1: is a big win that should be celebrated. 382 00:27:51,676 --> 00:27:56,236 Speaker 2: That is true, Mayad. There are actually very many days 383 00:27:56,276 --> 00:28:01,836 Speaker 2: that I feel neutral through things, very many days, but 384 00:28:01,956 --> 00:28:08,556 Speaker 2: then I feel like not feeling frustrated is a big win. 385 00:28:09,196 --> 00:28:13,916 Speaker 2: And those days because like these challenges. Like everybody in life, 386 00:28:13,956 --> 00:28:16,796 Speaker 2: we all go through challenges, so they are like everyday 387 00:28:16,916 --> 00:28:22,956 Speaker 2: challenges for us. And I feel like coming from a 388 00:28:23,036 --> 00:28:30,756 Speaker 2: place that every moment of every day is torturous to 389 00:28:30,956 --> 00:28:39,476 Speaker 2: a place that most moments of most days are neutral 390 00:28:40,156 --> 00:28:43,636 Speaker 2: is huge. At least I think for me it has 391 00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:45,276 Speaker 2: been huge. 392 00:28:45,876 --> 00:28:48,596 Speaker 1: What do you want people to know about your family 393 00:28:48,676 --> 00:28:51,276 Speaker 1: that you think is so often misunderstood? What do you 394 00:28:51,276 --> 00:28:51,876 Speaker 1: want to share? 395 00:28:52,716 --> 00:28:57,716 Speaker 2: Oh, one major thing, don't feel bad for us. We 396 00:28:57,876 --> 00:29:01,836 Speaker 2: are a happy family. We may not be a typical family. 397 00:29:02,236 --> 00:29:05,316 Speaker 2: We are not. We are far from a typical family, 398 00:29:05,956 --> 00:29:12,396 Speaker 2: but we are a very happy family. So don't cry 399 00:29:12,596 --> 00:29:15,836 Speaker 2: for us. It's okay if you want to cry with 400 00:29:15,956 --> 00:29:24,956 Speaker 2: us at times, But that is one thing. Do not 401 00:29:25,156 --> 00:29:28,076 Speaker 2: feel bad for us. We are a happy family. But 402 00:29:29,156 --> 00:29:33,476 Speaker 2: sometimes I feel like we are living in a parallel universe, 403 00:29:33,516 --> 00:29:37,876 Speaker 2: so we are not living in your universe, but we 404 00:29:37,996 --> 00:29:41,676 Speaker 2: are as happy as anybody can be in your universe, 405 00:29:41,956 --> 00:29:45,556 Speaker 2: in our own universe. So I feel like And then 406 00:29:45,636 --> 00:29:49,036 Speaker 2: the other thing is that for me personally, I feel 407 00:29:49,076 --> 00:29:54,076 Speaker 2: like my level of happiness in day to day life 408 00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:59,676 Speaker 2: would have been the same even if I didn't have 409 00:30:00,636 --> 00:30:03,516 Speaker 2: especial need child and I had a typically growing child, 410 00:30:04,876 --> 00:30:08,516 Speaker 2: because at this point, I feel like I don't emphasize 411 00:30:08,756 --> 00:30:14,116 Speaker 2: on little problems as much. I don't sweat little things anymore. 412 00:30:16,116 --> 00:30:17,516 Speaker 2: I'm just happy. 413 00:30:19,436 --> 00:30:22,116 Speaker 1: I can see that happiness in your face. 414 00:30:24,276 --> 00:30:27,676 Speaker 2: You know. I've come to the conclusion that more important 415 00:30:27,716 --> 00:30:32,236 Speaker 2: than what happens in our lives is the way that 416 00:30:32,276 --> 00:30:38,036 Speaker 2: we react to what happens. And at some point I 417 00:30:38,156 --> 00:30:42,596 Speaker 2: decided to just react to it in a cheerful way. 418 00:30:43,676 --> 00:30:47,316 Speaker 2: And then that was when that the doors to joy 419 00:30:47,356 --> 00:30:50,836 Speaker 2: opened up. That was when that I'm like, okay, so 420 00:30:51,556 --> 00:30:56,116 Speaker 2: who cares that she doesn't talk, Let's just get that 421 00:30:56,196 --> 00:31:00,756 Speaker 2: little hug or that like very warm feeling of the 422 00:31:00,916 --> 00:31:04,796 Speaker 2: little kiss on her cheek, and then be grateful for that. 423 00:31:05,076 --> 00:31:09,996 Speaker 2: And then let's just pause those moments, just let go 424 00:31:10,276 --> 00:31:14,596 Speaker 2: of all those dreams of graduation and driver's license and 425 00:31:14,676 --> 00:31:19,316 Speaker 2: grandchildren and all of that. Don't worry about those, And 426 00:31:19,356 --> 00:31:23,276 Speaker 2: then let's just let go of thinking about how it 427 00:31:23,356 --> 00:31:27,836 Speaker 2: could have been and just focus on what is and 428 00:31:27,876 --> 00:31:31,276 Speaker 2: get the best out of what is, no matter how 429 00:31:31,356 --> 00:31:34,676 Speaker 2: small or bigot is. So now I see the meaning, 430 00:31:34,836 --> 00:31:37,196 Speaker 2: or I see the purpose of my life to just 431 00:31:37,596 --> 00:31:41,076 Speaker 2: as a mother, If I can just help my daughter 432 00:31:42,356 --> 00:31:49,476 Speaker 2: enjoy what life has to offer to her potential, I 433 00:31:49,516 --> 00:31:53,956 Speaker 2: have reached my goal. And in this process I've learned 434 00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:57,796 Speaker 2: that life has so much to offer. You know, I'm 435 00:31:57,836 --> 00:32:02,316 Speaker 2: not denying Graduations are really good. Are very big deal 436 00:32:02,676 --> 00:32:06,436 Speaker 2: your teenager getting having their driver's license and going God, 437 00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:10,836 Speaker 2: They're really big. They are real joys of life. But 438 00:32:10,916 --> 00:32:13,156 Speaker 2: then who cares if she may not graduate as a 439 00:32:13,156 --> 00:32:16,156 Speaker 2: typical child. Who cares if she may never drive? Who 440 00:32:16,196 --> 00:32:18,996 Speaker 2: cares if she may never get married and have children? 441 00:32:19,356 --> 00:32:23,316 Speaker 2: There is so many other things that life has to offer. 442 00:32:24,116 --> 00:32:27,356 Speaker 2: Like she learned to ride a bicycle when she was 443 00:32:27,396 --> 00:32:31,756 Speaker 2: eleven years old. Now, she can ride her bicycle, and 444 00:32:31,956 --> 00:32:34,156 Speaker 2: still she cannot wield the boy, So we cannot go 445 00:32:34,236 --> 00:32:36,556 Speaker 2: on trails and stuff, but we can go to empty 446 00:32:36,596 --> 00:32:40,196 Speaker 2: parking lots. And the joy that I see in her 447 00:32:40,316 --> 00:32:45,756 Speaker 2: face doing that is enough for me. Yeah, I don't 448 00:32:45,796 --> 00:32:49,916 Speaker 2: want anything else, even though I know what other fifteen 449 00:32:49,996 --> 00:32:52,716 Speaker 2: year olds would be doing at that moment. That is 450 00:32:53,316 --> 00:32:58,516 Speaker 2: very joyful, very typical. But this is us, yeah, and 451 00:32:58,556 --> 00:33:01,636 Speaker 2: we better not grieve that and enjoy this. 452 00:33:03,036 --> 00:33:06,516 Speaker 1: He mentioned the bicycling. I wonder if you can share 453 00:33:06,556 --> 00:33:09,756 Speaker 1: a little bit more on that front. How do you 454 00:33:09,836 --> 00:33:11,916 Speaker 1: experience joy as a family. 455 00:33:14,636 --> 00:33:23,316 Speaker 2: So, again in not typical way. So we are good 456 00:33:23,396 --> 00:33:28,196 Speaker 2: at restaurants, so we enjoy going to our favorite restaurants. 457 00:33:28,236 --> 00:33:32,076 Speaker 2: We usually sit on booths because boots are much easier. 458 00:33:32,156 --> 00:33:34,636 Speaker 2: She tends to rock, so single chairs she would be 459 00:33:34,716 --> 00:33:37,916 Speaker 2: rocking too much. But if we sit in a booth 460 00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,076 Speaker 2: and we have her favorite dinner, which happens to be 461 00:33:41,116 --> 00:33:45,156 Speaker 2: hamburger and French fries, we are a family enjoying life together. 462 00:33:46,036 --> 00:33:52,716 Speaker 2: And then also Samoe enjoys car rides are fun as 463 00:33:52,716 --> 00:33:56,676 Speaker 2: a family on weekdays. Is that when everybody comes back 464 00:33:56,676 --> 00:33:59,756 Speaker 2: from work and she's done with her therapy and her 465 00:33:59,796 --> 00:34:03,396 Speaker 2: school and everything. We just get in the car and 466 00:34:03,556 --> 00:34:06,916 Speaker 2: we just take a forty five minute car ride and 467 00:34:06,956 --> 00:34:11,076 Speaker 2: we'll listen to our favorite music. Dad and I sing along. 468 00:34:11,676 --> 00:34:15,836 Speaker 2: She sometimes makes noises, We sometimes clap, and you know, 469 00:34:16,116 --> 00:34:19,236 Speaker 2: just dance with the music and we enjoy. 470 00:34:20,356 --> 00:34:24,916 Speaker 1: Danny, it's not lost on me that your teenage daughter 471 00:34:25,796 --> 00:34:30,596 Speaker 1: is in the car with the music, playing, dancing and 472 00:34:30,676 --> 00:34:34,476 Speaker 1: making sounds. That is pretty damn close to that dream 473 00:34:34,556 --> 00:34:37,916 Speaker 1: that you had for her when you imagined motherhood. 474 00:34:38,356 --> 00:34:39,636 Speaker 2: You're making me too up. 475 00:34:39,956 --> 00:34:42,676 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I just it's amazing. It's like she is 476 00:34:42,796 --> 00:34:45,956 Speaker 1: having that moment with you. It just looks a little different. 477 00:34:47,196 --> 00:34:51,156 Speaker 2: That is true. Yeah, that is definitely true. Wow. I 478 00:34:51,196 --> 00:34:52,436 Speaker 2: never looked at it this way. 479 00:34:52,836 --> 00:35:31,836 Speaker 1: Yeah, amazing. Yes, Hey, thanks so much for listening. If 480 00:35:31,836 --> 00:35:34,476 Speaker 1: you liked my conversation with Bannie, you may enjoy my 481 00:35:34,516 --> 00:35:38,836 Speaker 1: conversation with First Responder Christy Warren. She's another guest who 482 00:35:38,876 --> 00:35:41,916 Speaker 1: started out as a listener of the show. The episode 483 00:35:41,956 --> 00:35:44,596 Speaker 1: is called a first Responder's Call for Help, and we'll 484 00:35:44,636 --> 00:35:47,516 Speaker 1: link to it in the show notes. And next week 485 00:35:47,596 --> 00:35:51,476 Speaker 1: we've got our season finale. My friend Adam Grant stops 486 00:35:51,476 --> 00:35:55,436 Speaker 1: by to talk about our hidden potential, the perils of perfectionism, 487 00:35:55,876 --> 00:35:59,196 Speaker 1: and why we need to give soft skills more respect. 488 00:35:59,436 --> 00:36:11,836 Speaker 1: I'll see you next week. A Slight Change of Plans 489 00:36:11,956 --> 00:36:15,116 Speaker 1: is created, written, and executive produced by me Maya Shunker. 490 00:36:15,836 --> 00:36:19,476 Speaker 1: The Slight Change family includes our showrunner Tyler Green, our 491 00:36:19,556 --> 00:36:24,316 Speaker 1: senior editor Kate Parkinson Morgan, our producer Trisha Bovida, and 492 00:36:24,396 --> 00:36:28,436 Speaker 1: our sound engineer Andrew Vestola. And thanks to Aria Nettles 493 00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:31,516 Speaker 1: for her help with this episode. Louis Scara wrote our 494 00:36:31,556 --> 00:36:35,196 Speaker 1: delightful theme song and Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. 495 00:36:35,676 --> 00:36:38,796 Speaker 1: A Slight Change of Plans is a production of Pushkin Industries, 496 00:36:38,956 --> 00:36:42,396 Speaker 1: so big thanks to everyone there, and of course a 497 00:36:42,636 --> 00:36:45,836 Speaker 1: very special thanks to Jimmy Lee. You can follow A 498 00:36:45,876 --> 00:36:48,996 Speaker 1: Slight Change of Plans on Instagram at doctor Maya Shunker. 499 00:36:49,596 --> 00:36:55,516 Speaker 1: See you next week.