Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, own listeners, Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we discuss
Speaker 1: all things the Psychology of Your twenties. Today, we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about a phenomenon that I think has only
Speaker 1: recently gotten a label, it's very own term, in the
Speaker 1: last couple of decades or so, and is now a
Speaker 1: phrase that I think has become part of out everyday
Speaker 1: dating vocabulary, and that is the ick. Getting the ick.
Speaker 1: You know, I often think that we think of the
Speaker 1: ick as as like very humorous thing, something that's not
Speaker 1: that serious. We joke about it. It's an everyday kind
Speaker 1: of conversational phrase. But there's also a significant number of
Speaker 1: psychological theories and ideas that can explain why we get
Speaker 1: the ick, why we feel the ick towards specific almost
Speaker 1: small things, particularly when we examine concepts around attraction and hypervigilance, rejection, sensitivity,
Speaker 1: emotional avoidance, and even our intuition. It is a lot
Speaker 1: deeper than the TikTok trend I think makes it seem
Speaker 1: and it goes really deep into our psychology as humans
Speaker 1: and social creatures. So we're going to break it all
Speaker 1: down today on this episode. So the ICK refers to
Speaker 1: very quickly losing romantic or sexual interest in someone you
Speaker 1: were once attracted to because of some kind of behavior
Speaker 1: or event or quirk that suddenly turns you completely off
Speaker 1: this individual and ultimately, you know, makes you feel like
Speaker 1: you need to abandon the relationship entirely, like that you
Speaker 1: cannot be with this person any longer. This relationship counselor
Speaker 1: and also a psychotherapist called Kupet Singh says, the IK
Speaker 1: is kind of different to just doubting whether you want
Speaker 1: to be with someone. The ICK is very much a repulsion.
Speaker 1: It's a very strong gut reaction either to the mannerisms
Speaker 1: of the person or the way they behave or something
Speaker 1: else entirely, and that gut reaction makes us feel like
Speaker 1: we can no longer be with that person, even if
Speaker 1: we have no justified reason for finding what they did unattractive.
Speaker 1: I would say sometimes the ik is completely warranted, like
Speaker 1: when the action kind of reveals something more about their
Speaker 1: overall personality and values that is a deeper turn off,
Speaker 1: that means kind of more than what the initial action
Speaker 1: may look like at the surface level, things that I
Speaker 1: think of, like being mean to animals, or seeing someone
Speaker 1: really angry when they're drunk, or having poor hygiene. That
Speaker 1: is a super justified egg. But I think the premise
Speaker 1: of this concept has a lot more to do with
Speaker 1: the kinds of behaviors we see as relatively innocuous, meaning
Speaker 1: they are quite often harmless and super random. We can't
Speaker 1: predict them. They're not a symbol for something bigger or
Speaker 1: more significant. It's just this really niche, almost spontaneous turn
Speaker 1: off that we can't explain. Even if we rationalize that
Speaker 1: it's justified, we cannot ignore the feeling of just immediately
Speaker 1: no longer finding this person attractive, even being repulsed by them.
Speaker 1: The feeling is there. It's staring at us, it's demanding action.
Speaker 1: Even if all someone did was, you know, run around
Speaker 1: with a backpack on, or wear shoes that we didn't
Speaker 1: like or didn't want to share food on the first date,
Speaker 1: were immediately post I have this theory that X come
Speaker 1: in three distinctive categories, which I have obviously formulated based
Speaker 1: on copious amounts of TikTok viewing and conversations with friends.
Speaker 1: This isn't like a scientific categorization model, but one that
Speaker 1: is more I think observational and anecdotal. We have our
Speaker 1: behavioral X. These are things like chasing a ping pong
Speaker 1: ball that seems to be a really common one actually,
Speaker 1: or baby voice, a certain way of walking, being a
Speaker 1: noisy eater, triple texting, crude jokes, things to do with
Speaker 1: how someone chooses to act and behave. Then we have
Speaker 1: our physical X. This is normally about someone's physical appearance
Speaker 1: or the things that they choose to wear, So wearing
Speaker 1: goggles at the beach, which I will admit I am
Speaker 1: very much guilty of. I want to see what's in
Speaker 1: the water, so if that's an ick, I get it,
Speaker 1: but I do that as well, or wearing certain types
Speaker 1: of clothes like skinny jean, a certain hairstyle, poor hygiene.
Speaker 1: Like we spoke about before, things about someone's like physical appearance, perception,
Speaker 1: outside version of themselves. And then finally we have our
Speaker 1: emotional IX, which I think are the icks that we
Speaker 1: should pay the most attention to, things like vanity, constantly
Speaker 1: looking in the mirror, being overbearing, having you know, a
Speaker 1: tantrum like come on, you are an adult, let's process
Speaker 1: our emotions productively, please and thank you, or you know,
Speaker 1: not being nice to wait staff. That's like a really
Speaker 1: big indicator of I think a deeper attitude and value
Speaker 1: set that the ICK is just warning us about. And
Speaker 1: then there are some that just kind of extend beyond
Speaker 1: all bounds, like someone who says a particular word wrong.
Speaker 1: I even saw this one video where someone was like,
Speaker 1: someone's name, gives me the ICK their literal name because
Speaker 1: it's too boring. I think the thing about IX is
Speaker 1: that they don't always make sense to the average person.
Speaker 1: But one of the defining elements of the ICK is
Speaker 1: that it is highly personal and subjective relative to our
Speaker 1: subconscious preferences. Sometimes these are preferences that we don't even understand,
Speaker 1: we're not even aware of, until we see something about
Speaker 1: someone's behavior or how they conduct themselves or what they're
Speaker 1: doing that just makes us feel deeply unattracted to them,
Speaker 1: not because it says anything deeper about who they are,
Speaker 1: but for some other reasons. Beyond that, I want to
Speaker 1: quickly say, because I found this so fascinating, X can
Speaker 1: also be gendered based on what we're told to expect
Speaker 1: from our romantic partners, depending on our gender, what we're
Speaker 1: influenced to find attractive and not. If you are a woman,
Speaker 1: X maybe more relative to manners or emotional boundaries or
Speaker 1: turn offs or particular behaviors that we expect from men
Speaker 1: in a dating setting, but MALEX seem to be more physical,
Speaker 1: which could potentially be related to those findings that women
Speaker 1: prioritize feeling and compatibility in a relationship, whilst men, particularly
Speaker 1: younger men, find attractiveness and appearance a more significant factor. Now,
Speaker 1: there have not been any studies on this that I
Speaker 1: could find, so actually, if you're looking for a fun
Speaker 1: research topic, that might be a really interesting one. But
Speaker 1: I think that is just one explanation. Our dating preferences
Speaker 1: are influenced by societal and gendered expectations, which is why
Speaker 1: they differ for men and women. And that's why also
Speaker 1: our X, what we like immediately find kind of I
Speaker 1: don't want to say revolting because that's a strong word,
Speaker 1: but really unappealing about someone is going to be based
Speaker 1: on the gender that we see ourselves as or our sex.
Speaker 1: So are our x justified? Should we really be that
Speaker 1: particular or are we even deliberately making a decision about
Speaker 1: what we do and do not find attractive about someone.
Speaker 1: I don't actually think that we have a choice in
Speaker 1: the matter, right. I think that these icks are like,
Speaker 1: quite involuntary and quite spontaneous, And the theories that we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about later that suggest that it actually
Speaker 1: comes from a very unconscious part of our mind that
Speaker 1: is trying to warn us of something or has a
Speaker 1: greater intuitive sense of the long term compatibility between us
Speaker 1: and someone else. But I also think that the concept
Speaker 1: of an it kind of scares me because what does
Speaker 1: it really say about the nature of attraction and kind
Speaker 1: of love in general? You know, one of the premises,
Speaker 1: the underlying beliefs about getting the ick is that it
Speaker 1: can kind of occur at any stage. It's this flip
Speaker 1: of a switch whereby the things we once found attractive
Speaker 1: are suddenly unbearable. So it kind of seems to suggest
Speaker 1: that our attraction to someone is not as unconditional as
Speaker 1: we think. That we can fall out of love just
Speaker 1: as easily as we can fall in love based on
Speaker 1: someone's quirks and their particular behaviors, and you know by
Speaker 1: that logic, And this is the thing that terrifies me.
Speaker 1: You could be married for twenty years and suddenly your
Speaker 1: partner decides to wear like the wrong kind of socks
Speaker 1: or kind of burps a little bit weird, and you
Speaker 1: get the ick. You get the ick. Actually it relates
Speaker 1: to this deeper idea known as fatal attraction theory, which
Speaker 1: is somewhat different to the ick. But this hypothesis proposed
Speaker 1: by Professor Diane Felmley. She believes that the things we
Speaker 1: initially find attractive about someone, like their humor, their spontaneity,
Speaker 1: their conscientiousness, those are sometimes the things that actually cause
Speaker 1: the relationship to break down in the end, when we
Speaker 1: begin to see these once positive traits in a new light.
Speaker 1: The things that we love the most about ourselves or
Speaker 1: about someone else are also the things that we dislike
Speaker 1: about ourselves or someone else the most. I think that
Speaker 1: has more to do with compatibility, because inherently, I think
Speaker 1: we all know from our personal experience with the ick
Speaker 1: that it's kind of reserved for those early days, right,
Speaker 1: those early first dates, those first months, where we are
Speaker 1: seeing someone in a different context, perhaps testing them out,
Speaker 1: seeing if we fit. And during that stage when we
Speaker 1: are dating but not dating, we're pretty hyper vigilant to
Speaker 1: any signs that things might not work out, hyper vigilant
Speaker 1: to the things that turn us off from someone. I
Speaker 1: think it's serve this kind of weird fork in the
Speaker 1: road when we first become kind of romantically attached to
Speaker 1: someone and we have to kind of ask the question,
Speaker 1: are we okay with this person not being perfect? Can
Speaker 1: we overlook the small, little, everyday things they do that
Speaker 1: might be a little bit annoying or that we wouldn't
Speaker 1: do the same way. I think everyone in a long
Speaker 1: term partnership or marriage, I will tell you that you
Speaker 1: cannot love absolutely everything about your partner. There will be
Speaker 1: times that they annoy you or do things that are frustrating.
Speaker 1: But it's not the same as the ick. It's not
Speaker 1: the same as that instant discust that literally makes you
Speaker 1: feel repulsed by a person or leave you internally cringing.
Speaker 1: And that's what is the difference between an ick and
Speaker 1: a deal breaker, which I think a deal breaker is
Speaker 1: more aligned to our values and our needs. The ick
Speaker 1: is really just like a mental test, like am I
Speaker 1: willing to tolerate these small things about a person? Or
Speaker 1: is it just too much for me? So maybe and
Speaker 1: some therapists do offer this explanation. We identify small things
Speaker 1: as an out. Maybe they are just an unconscious smoke
Speaker 1: screen for a bigger reason we want to leave, or
Speaker 1: that we don't want to be with this person, either
Speaker 1: because of something about them or about ourselves, like emotional unavailability.
Speaker 1: Instead of deciding to confront the fact that maybe we
Speaker 1: are not ready to take things further, or that we
Speaker 1: are closed off to a connection or worried about the
Speaker 1: other person maybe being turned off by us, first, we
Speaker 1: pull the trigger on something arbitrary before having to get
Speaker 1: to invested or maybe see the bigger potential problems in
Speaker 1: our relationship that could leave us feeling hurt or rejected.
Speaker 1: That's just one way of looking at it. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: also a real reason and your gut is telling you
Speaker 1: to run. This ick is related to something bigger, a
Speaker 1: deal breaker, as we said, a red flag. But you know,
Speaker 1: these icks are also kind of, like I said, as smokescreen, right,
Speaker 1: Like sometimes it really is a way for our brain
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, deep down, I know I don't
Speaker 1: like this person. Deep down, I probably don't want to
Speaker 1: be with them. So my brain is going to find
Speaker 1: something small about their behavior that's gonna give me a
Speaker 1: reason to leave, that's gonna kind of show me what
Speaker 1: my unconscious thoughts already know, which is that there isn't
Speaker 1: a future here. And you know, these icks, although we've
Speaker 1: really been focusing on them in reference to romantic partners,
Speaker 1: they might not just be reserved for the people we
Speaker 1: deem as sexually attractive or who we are intimately connected
Speaker 1: to in that way. They can also extend to our friends,
Speaker 1: to our coworkers, to our acquaintances, even strangers. You know,
Speaker 1: although our recovery from these ix is probably quicker. But
Speaker 1: if you see someone trip on the street and you
Speaker 1: kind of cringe, that might be a version of the ick,
Speaker 1: you know, less intense, but still palpable. That instinct that
Speaker 1: cringe comes from a few places. Firstly, some theorists that
Speaker 1: it's really just secondhand embarrassment. The ick is a projection
Speaker 1: of our own shame through criticism. When we see those
Speaker 1: slip ups, those things that we find awkward, we imagine
Speaker 1: ourselves in that position, and you know, maybe it's a
Speaker 1: combination of empathy and self awareness. But we feel what
Speaker 1: they're feeling, and we feel embarrassed and acknowledging that that
Speaker 1: other person is probably like vulnerable in that moment is
Speaker 1: kind of really intense. And that vulnerability, if we're not
Speaker 1: ready for it yet, or if this person is just
Speaker 1: a random stranger, is quite confronting, and so it gives
Speaker 1: us this like really awkward, uncomfortable feeling that's like, oh,
Speaker 1: don't I'm going to look away from that. That kind
Speaker 1: of makes me feel a bit weird. There's also some
Speaker 1: theories that the I is actually perhaps our intuition working
Speaker 1: in our favor. Maybe it emerges from some previous negative association,
Speaker 1: or it's a self defense strategy. But it also can
Speaker 1: be deliberate. It's a deliberate way to kind of get
Speaker 1: over someone by giving ourselves the inch, by imagining that
Speaker 1: person in a scenario that we know we're going to
Speaker 1: find unappealing. So a lot of that is based in
Speaker 1: some really nuanced social psychology, and we're going to explore
Speaker 1: all of those potential explanations and more alongside how it's
Speaker 1: maybe harming us after this shortbreak. So the ick is real,
Speaker 1: we know it exists. I think we've all felt it,
Speaker 1: but what is the actual purpose, Where does it come from,
Speaker 1: why does it occur? So, like I said, there's a
Speaker 1: few theories, some scientific, some less so to deal with
Speaker 1: these very questions. So let's have a closer look at
Speaker 1: some of them. So I want to return to something
Speaker 1: that we spoke about kind of briefly before. One possibility
Speaker 1: is that the ink that we feel towards really small,
Speaker 1: sometimes negligible things is actually a self defensive mechanism or
Speaker 1: strategy to protect us against relationship failure or fear of
Speaker 1: commit meant fear of intimacy or rejection sensitivity. The last
Speaker 1: one is really important here. If we constantly look for
Speaker 1: the flaws of others, we spend less time examining our
Speaker 1: own flaws. But we also get to pick up on
Speaker 1: any opportunities that they might have to reject us. So
Speaker 1: that's where our hypervigilance towards their actions comes from. Hypervigilance
Speaker 1: towards ourselves that we want to project onto others to
Speaker 1: not feel that anxiety as intensely so humans, we are
Speaker 1: social creatures. I must say that every third episode because
Speaker 1: it is so true, and we are innately really driven
Speaker 1: to seek proximity and security, acceptance and love. But if
Speaker 1: we feel threatened or confronted, we might look for ways
Speaker 1: to distance ourselves from this person out of a drive
Speaker 1: for self protection. Instead of acknowledging that feeling that fear,
Speaker 1: we search for something in someone else, and therefore we
Speaker 1: get the ick to you know, kind of stuff the
Speaker 1: purpose of self preservation. In those vulnerable moments, maybe we
Speaker 1: are also looking for a reason to end things with
Speaker 1: someone because we just actually don't feel anything for them,
Speaker 1: but we don't want to admit that, Or we feel
Speaker 1: bad for rejecting someone because maybe there is nothing in
Speaker 1: particular that's wrong with them. They might be a perfectly
Speaker 1: fine person. So our brains engage in something called post rationalization,
Speaker 1: going and search for an appropriate reason for a decision
Speaker 1: that we've already kind of inherently made, but we don't
Speaker 1: really have a justification for it yet. So because we
Speaker 1: don't have a legitimate reason, we settle on some other explanation.
Speaker 1: We create an ick. You know, like one day I
Speaker 1: kind of noticed that his legs were too hairy, or
Speaker 1: he wore sneakers to the beach, or whatever it is
Speaker 1: that is not actually a huge factor in your relationship,
Speaker 1: but it is a reason that you can use to
Speaker 1: justify maybe a deeper decision that you don't really want
Speaker 1: to be with that person. So once again, not conscious,
Speaker 1: not deliberate, but occurring in some kind of hidden way. Also,
Speaker 1: that ick might be a self created projection or proxy
Speaker 1: for some other dissatisfaction in your relationship that hasn't yet
Speaker 1: come to the surface, but we can already kind of sense.
Speaker 1: This links to the idea of a learned mental connection.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the things we find quote unquote repulsive, immediately awkward,
Speaker 1: surprisingly unattractive about someone all stems from a previous negative association.
Speaker 1: Humans learned by repeated association, So that basically means that
Speaker 1: when we experience one stimulus and it elicits a certain
Speaker 1: emotional response, we start to believe that that stimulus will
Speaker 1: always elicit that emotional response. For example, if every time
Speaker 1: you eat a so food you feel sick, you will
Speaker 1: stop eating that food because your brain has learned that
Speaker 1: this food equals illness, or you will feel even discussed
Speaker 1: when you see it without having to taste it or
Speaker 1: put it in your own mouth. These associations, they're often
Speaker 1: related to classical conditioning. They tell us what things to
Speaker 1: avoid because of a previous negative experience, without needing us
Speaker 1: to experience them again. But sometimes our brain can make
Speaker 1: the incorrect association. Say, for example, your ex would always
Speaker 1: cancel plans and ignore you, or didn't provide you with
Speaker 1: affection or attention. That emotional experience is obviously going to
Speaker 1: elicit some really terrible feelings, and those feelings stay with us.
Speaker 1: But say this X of yours they also wore, you know,
Speaker 1: a particular kind of shoe they wore, I don't know,
Speaker 1: Timberlands or Vans or added as our brain in that
Speaker 1: situation makes the wrong association such that we begin to
Speaker 1: associate the shoes with the negative experience. And so maybe
Speaker 1: you go on a first date with someone. They're wearing
Speaker 1: the Timberlands, they're wearing the vans. Immediate ick, immediate ick,
Speaker 1: and that ick is because of this previous negative association.
Speaker 1: So our brain is activating this pathway of disgust to
Speaker 1: kind of warn us to stay away, thinking that the
Speaker 1: stimulus this item is warning us of a similar emotional
Speaker 1: experience in our past, the one that we had with
Speaker 1: the bad ex. That Timberland example. I'm not gonna lie,
Speaker 1: it's actually a personal ick for me for that very reason.
Speaker 1: It makes me think of someone that I used to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with, and I squirm, and I
Speaker 1: immediately find that unattractive because it's a reminder of all
Speaker 1: the things that I really didn't like about that person.
Speaker 1: And it didn't have anything to do with their shoes.
Speaker 1: It had something to do with a lot, you know,
Speaker 1: a lot more than that. It was a lot deeper.
Speaker 1: But my brain has been like, all right, this thing
Speaker 1: is a clue for something else, so let's avoid this thing.
Speaker 1: Maybe that kind of goes to show how the experience
Speaker 1: of getting the ick could also be interpreted as intuition,
Speaker 1: which is why when we get the ick towards someone
Speaker 1: we're seeing, we can't help but notice it and act
Speaker 1: on it. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Your
Speaker 1: intuition is an incredibly powerful tool when you understand it.
Speaker 1: That feeling we sometimes get, that gut instinct, is a
Speaker 1: scientifically proven projection of all of our senses and our
Speaker 1: brain making use of past experiences, along with internal signals
Speaker 1: and cues from our environment to make a decision, maybe
Speaker 1: a decision that we wouldn't have made otherwise. Our brain
Speaker 1: picks up on things that we maybe don't consciously realize
Speaker 1: as of yet, so it might see something in this
Speaker 1: person that our conscious mind does not. I don't know
Speaker 1: whether that is particularly correct or not, especially when it's
Speaker 1: based on something arbitrary, like you know, just doing something
Speaker 1: a little bit odd. I don't think think that's a
Speaker 1: really strong indicator of character or our potential for a
Speaker 1: future with someone, if that's what you want. But that
Speaker 1: is one school of thought that the ick comes from
Speaker 1: some unknown, unidentifiable got instinct. But you know it may
Speaker 1: or may not be correct, but it's trying to protect
Speaker 1: you in some weird way, through some weird association, or
Speaker 1: maybe through some kind of pick up of something that
Speaker 1: you haven't really noticed consciously yet, even if it's slightly misgiven.
Speaker 1: But some people are also just super picky or even
Speaker 1: judgmental towards things that other people would forgive, that they
Speaker 1: would ignore. If you chronically experience the ick for some reason,
Speaker 1: it may be because you yourself were raised in an
Speaker 1: environment of criticism and judgment. Your mum was always commenting
Speaker 1: on what people were wearing or small things that no
Speaker 1: one else would notice, determining that they meant something more.
Speaker 1: But now you're also notice those things you have learned
Speaker 1: from modeling your parents' behavior to have that kind of
Speaker 1: radar and hypervigilance to the small awkward quirks that all
Speaker 1: of us have. It may also be because you have
Speaker 1: a sense of inadequacy, but instead of acknowledging that, you're
Speaker 1: displacing that feeling onto someone else to distract yourself. A
Speaker 1: lot of this comes from some really strange internal relationships
Speaker 1: that impact our ability to sustain a long term attraction
Speaker 1: to someone. You know, what I find really interesting is
Speaker 1: that some people even undergo what this one author calls
Speaker 1: the elective ickiness, choosing to deliberately think of someone in
Speaker 1: an undignified situation to get over them. One of my
Speaker 1: friends actually posted a video about this the other day,
Speaker 1: being like, if you want to get over him, just
Speaker 1: imagine him asking a waiter for more water but they
Speaker 1: ignore him, or like, imagine him tripping over his shoelacers
Speaker 1: in that situation. You are deliberately creating scenarios in your
Speaker 1: head that you know will turn you off. There's kind
Speaker 1: of no coming back from that, but it's kind of
Speaker 1: a brilliant emotional hack. If you know you shouldn't be
Speaker 1: attracted to someone like if they themselves are emotionally unavailable,
Speaker 1: or they're giving you mixed signals, or it's your ex
Speaker 1: and you really want to find a quick solution to
Speaker 1: turn that love and that attraction into disgust. I saw
Speaker 1: some other examples actually that I thought were so funny
Speaker 1: they made me laugh. But one of them was, like,
Speaker 1: imagine him eating spaghetti and he gets like red bits
Speaker 1: all around his mouth. Or imagine him trying to pat
Speaker 1: a dog, but he, you know, the second he reaches
Speaker 1: for the dog, it like walks away, Like that's second
Speaker 1: hand embarrassment, that second hand cringe. That is the ick,
Speaker 1: you know. And in those situations, we discussed where it's appropriate,
Speaker 1: where you probably don't want to be attracted to this
Speaker 1: person anymore because it would create a negative outcome for
Speaker 1: you in the long term. You should totally average the ick.
Speaker 1: You should feel that disgust to put up a necessary
Speaker 1: wall between yourself and that person. But if you are
Speaker 1: someone who experiences the chronic ick and cannot overcome it
Speaker 1: with every person you meet, even if they are a
Speaker 1: walking green flag, I think that that's indicating something deeper,
Speaker 1: more internal, more personal, that is going on. In those situations,
Speaker 1: or maybe you're just in a dating rut. You know,
Speaker 1: I've got one friend, God bless her, but it's almost
Speaker 1: like clockwork. She goes on three dates with someone and
Speaker 1: she finds a reason to end it, and it's always
Speaker 1: something that most of us would see as pretty minor.
Speaker 1: But like I said before, your ix are personal, your
Speaker 1: ix are subjective, and they, you know, emerge not just
Speaker 1: from your preferences, but your relationship pattern, your willingness to
Speaker 1: accept emotional vulnerability, your willingness to realize that someone isn't
Speaker 1: perfect and you have to be okay with that. It,
Speaker 1: no doubt, can be really hard when we constantly find
Speaker 1: something wrong with everyone and we listen to ours as
Speaker 1: if they are objective truth, because in those moments, we're
Speaker 1: really unable to ever meet someone at a deeper level
Speaker 1: because we're allowing ourselves to be distracted by something that's
Speaker 1: probably just super arbitrary and super innocuous and not really
Speaker 1: relevant to anything about the relationship on a deeper level.
Speaker 1: So in those moments, here is what you need to
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Is this thing I'm seeing that I don't
Speaker 1: like actually a big deal? Is it a deal breaker?
Speaker 1: Is it a red flag or is it maybe just
Speaker 1: my mind making an inaccurate association, or or is it
Speaker 1: perpetuating my emotional unavailability by giving me an unexplainable reason
Speaker 1: to not have to go further with this person? Examine
Speaker 1: the ick? Why does that make you feel repulsed or
Speaker 1: why does it make you cringe at the other person?
Speaker 1: And is that actually justified? You know, the ick is
Speaker 1: not a death sentence, and I want that to be
Speaker 1: super clear for my people who are worried they'll never
Speaker 1: recover from this chronic pattern of ickness. Literally my first
Speaker 1: date with my now boyfriend, and I hope he doesn't
Speaker 1: mind me saying this. He hadn't made any concrete plans
Speaker 1: on the day and I almost didn't go. I was like,
Speaker 1: this is icky. I'm getting the ick. I don't know
Speaker 1: if we can recover from this. And now you know,
Speaker 1: we're super love and great and it's just part of
Speaker 1: the story. It's a funny little side quest. No one
Speaker 1: is ever going to be perfect. That's I think the
Speaker 1: core element of this conversation. No one is going to
Speaker 1: be perfect. And if that's what you're searching for, I
Speaker 1: think you might be disappointed. And that's not to encourage
Speaker 1: you to settle or anything like that, but to accept
Speaker 1: that people have small quirks, you know, those fashion choices
Speaker 1: that you might not agree with, wearing goggles at the beach,
Speaker 1: God forbid. It's kind of all part of the package.
Speaker 1: So searching for perfection is kind of an impossible task.
Speaker 1: It's a fruitless outcome. You're never going to find someone
Speaker 1: who isn't occasionally going to do something where you're a
Speaker 1: bit like, oh, that's a bit embarrassing, because humans are embarrassing.
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassing, you're embarrassing. We all do things that perhaps
Speaker 1: make us feel cringe and make us feel awkward and
Speaker 1: make us feel weird, and we would hope that someone
Speaker 1: else doesn't see this and immediately think that it's some
Speaker 1: kind of broader judgment of our character. Treat the ick
Speaker 1: I guess like a relational junction, a relational challenge, a
Speaker 1: fork in the road. You can turn left and you
Speaker 1: can keep looking for that elusive perfect person who is
Speaker 1: going to complete you. Maybe this thing is a deal breaker,
Speaker 1: so you really don't want to be attracted to them anymore.
Speaker 1: Maybe this is a good thing, or you can accept
Speaker 1: that real intimacy involves accepting some one for who they
Speaker 1: are as they will hopefully do for you. True love
Speaker 1: kind of defies the ick. Like we said before, it's
Speaker 1: kind of this point in your relationship, and I think
Speaker 1: it's an important point where if you are to experience
Speaker 1: the ick, it makes you decide like is this something
Speaker 1: I can overlook or is it like immediate discussed immediate,
Speaker 1: like vomit in my mouth, embarrassment. I do not want
Speaker 1: to be with this person anymore. Please don't touch me.
Speaker 1: You kind of have a choice. A is like, is
Speaker 1: that what this really is or is it, you know,
Speaker 1: my brain trying to tell me something else. I think
Speaker 1: that's especially the case when the icks are quite arbitrary
Speaker 1: and small and can be overlooked. This was a really
Speaker 1: fun episode. I hope you enjoyed this brief psychological foray
Speaker 1: explanation of the world of the ick. Honestly, if you
Speaker 1: have experienced an ick, can you please DM me? I
Speaker 1: want to know your weirdest ix. No judgment, just curiosity,
Speaker 1: please and thank you. I think it's such an interesting
Speaker 1: concept that we can be with someone and we're like, yes,
Speaker 1: they are amazing, so attractive, I want a future with them,
Speaker 1: and then they just do this one thing and suddenly
Speaker 1: that like tap of attraction and intimacy is like turned off.
Speaker 1: Like I think I understand it more now that we
Speaker 1: think about it from the intuition perspective or the defense
Speaker 1: mechanism perspective. And if you're someone who has never experienced
Speaker 1: the ICK, I wonder if that's more associated with like
Speaker 1: a secure attachment style. That would be really fascinating to
Speaker 1: look into, because I think, especially with people who are avoidant,
Speaker 1: that would be a huge relationship. You know, the people
Speaker 1: who are avoidant obviously stray away and push away emotional intimacy,
Speaker 1: and maybe that's why they experience the ICK more because
Speaker 1: like we said, it is a proxy excuse to not
Speaker 1: have to get closer to that person. I'm just rambling here.
Speaker 1: I think that would be such an interesting theory to
Speaker 1: look into. But I really do hope that you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode. I've freaking loved it. It was kind of fun,
Speaker 1: you know, Like I think it's one of those things
Speaker 1: where it's so often there is so much hidden psychology
Speaker 1: behind the things that just seem like super normal and
Speaker 1: just like a super casual part of our everyday vocabulary.
Speaker 1: And then when you examine it a bit further. There
Speaker 1: is like this whole secret underground of explanations. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. As always, if you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to give us a follow
Speaker 1: follow along so you get notified when I post new episodes.
Speaker 1: I just did all of my episode planning for November
Speaker 1: and December and also January, and let me say, there
Speaker 1: are some good episodes coming out that I am beyond
Speaker 1: excited about, so make sure that you're following us. Give
Speaker 1: us a five star review if you would like and
Speaker 1: share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, or if you have
Speaker 1: a contrary opinion, or you want to share your thoughts,
Speaker 1: please feel free to dm me on Instagram at that
Speaker 1: Psychology Podcast. We would love to have you over there
Speaker 1: to share in this journey and you can see behind
Speaker 1: the scenes content and video content as well. So once again,
Speaker 1: thank you for listening. I think I've said that about
Speaker 1: three times, but it was great to have you here
Speaker 1: and we will be back next week for another episode.