1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, own listeners, Wherever 6 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we discuss 8 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: all things the Psychology of Your twenties. Today, we're going 9 00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: to talk about a phenomenon that I think has only 10 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: recently gotten a label, it's very own term, in the 11 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,479 Speaker 1: last couple of decades or so, and is now a 12 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: phrase that I think has become part of out everyday 13 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: dating vocabulary, and that is the ick. Getting the ick. 14 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: You know, I often think that we think of the 15 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: ick as as like very humorous thing, something that's not 16 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: that serious. We joke about it. It's an everyday kind 17 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,320 Speaker 1: of conversational phrase. But there's also a significant number of 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: psychological theories and ideas that can explain why we get 19 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,759 Speaker 1: the ick, why we feel the ick towards specific almost 20 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 1: small things, particularly when we examine concepts around attraction and hypervigilance, rejection, sensitivity, 21 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:34,199 Speaker 1: emotional avoidance, and even our intuition. It is a lot 22 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,960 Speaker 1: deeper than the TikTok trend I think makes it seem 23 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: and it goes really deep into our psychology as humans 24 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:46,479 Speaker 1: and social creatures. So we're going to break it all 25 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: down today on this episode. So the ICK refers to 26 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 1: very quickly losing romantic or sexual interest in someone you 27 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: were once attracted to because of some kind of behavior 28 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: or event or quirk that suddenly turns you completely off 29 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: this individual and ultimately, you know, makes you feel like 30 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 1: you need to abandon the relationship entirely, like that you 31 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: cannot be with this person any longer. This relationship counselor 32 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 1: and also a psychotherapist called Kupet Singh says, the IK 33 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: is kind of different to just doubting whether you want 34 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: to be with someone. The ICK is very much a repulsion. 35 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 1: It's a very strong gut reaction either to the mannerisms 36 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: of the person or the way they behave or something 37 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:39,640 Speaker 1: else entirely, and that gut reaction makes us feel like 38 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: we can no longer be with that person, even if 39 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: we have no justified reason for finding what they did unattractive. 40 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: I would say sometimes the ik is completely warranted, like 41 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,800 Speaker 1: when the action kind of reveals something more about their 42 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: overall personality and values that is a deeper turn off, 43 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,920 Speaker 1: that means kind of more than what the initial action 44 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,200 Speaker 1: may look like at the surface level, things that I 45 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 1: think of, like being mean to animals, or seeing someone 46 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:11,079 Speaker 1: really angry when they're drunk, or having poor hygiene. That 47 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,239 Speaker 1: is a super justified egg. But I think the premise 48 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: of this concept has a lot more to do with 49 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 1: the kinds of behaviors we see as relatively innocuous, meaning 50 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: they are quite often harmless and super random. We can't 51 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: predict them. They're not a symbol for something bigger or 52 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 1: more significant. It's just this really niche, almost spontaneous turn 53 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,200 Speaker 1: off that we can't explain. Even if we rationalize that 54 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 1: it's justified, we cannot ignore the feeling of just immediately 55 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 1: no longer finding this person attractive, even being repulsed by them. 56 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 1: The feeling is there. It's staring at us, it's demanding action. 57 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 1: Even if all someone did was, you know, run around 58 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 1: with a backpack on, or wear shoes that we didn't 59 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 1: like or didn't want to share food on the first date, 60 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: were immediately post I have this theory that X come 61 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: in three distinctive categories, which I have obviously formulated based 62 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: on copious amounts of TikTok viewing and conversations with friends. 63 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: This isn't like a scientific categorization model, but one that 64 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 1: is more I think observational and anecdotal. We have our 65 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 1: behavioral X. These are things like chasing a ping pong 66 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: ball that seems to be a really common one actually, 67 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: or baby voice, a certain way of walking, being a 68 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 1: noisy eater, triple texting, crude jokes, things to do with 69 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,920 Speaker 1: how someone chooses to act and behave. Then we have 70 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: our physical X. This is normally about someone's physical appearance 71 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: or the things that they choose to wear, So wearing 72 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 1: goggles at the beach, which I will admit I am 73 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 1: very much guilty of. I want to see what's in 74 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 1: the water, so if that's an ick, I get it, 75 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 1: but I do that as well, or wearing certain types 76 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 1: of clothes like skinny jean, a certain hairstyle, poor hygiene. 77 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:07,839 Speaker 1: Like we spoke about before, things about someone's like physical appearance, perception, 78 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: outside version of themselves. And then finally we have our 79 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 1: emotional IX, which I think are the icks that we 80 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 1: should pay the most attention to, things like vanity, constantly 81 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,680 Speaker 1: looking in the mirror, being overbearing, having you know, a 82 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: tantrum like come on, you are an adult, let's process 83 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: our emotions productively, please and thank you, or you know, 84 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 1: not being nice to wait staff. That's like a really 85 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,200 Speaker 1: big indicator of I think a deeper attitude and value 86 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,040 Speaker 1: set that the ICK is just warning us about. And 87 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: then there are some that just kind of extend beyond 88 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: all bounds, like someone who says a particular word wrong. 89 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 1: I even saw this one video where someone was like, 90 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,039 Speaker 1: someone's name, gives me the ICK their literal name because 91 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: it's too boring. I think the thing about IX is 92 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: that they don't always make sense to the average person. 93 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 1: But one of the defining elements of the ICK is 94 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 1: that it is highly personal and subjective relative to our 95 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: subconscious preferences. Sometimes these are preferences that we don't even understand, 96 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 1: we're not even aware of, until we see something about 97 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 1: someone's behavior or how they conduct themselves or what they're 98 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 1: doing that just makes us feel deeply unattracted to them, 99 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 1: not because it says anything deeper about who they are, 100 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 1: but for some other reasons. Beyond that, I want to 101 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,600 Speaker 1: quickly say, because I found this so fascinating, X can 102 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,720 Speaker 1: also be gendered based on what we're told to expect 103 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 1: from our romantic partners, depending on our gender, what we're 104 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 1: influenced to find attractive and not. If you are a woman, 105 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 1: X maybe more relative to manners or emotional boundaries or 106 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: turn offs or particular behaviors that we expect from men 107 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: in a dating setting, but MALEX seem to be more physical, 108 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 1: which could potentially be related to those findings that women 109 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:09,080 Speaker 1: prioritize feeling and compatibility in a relationship, whilst men, particularly 110 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 1: younger men, find attractiveness and appearance a more significant factor. Now, 111 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: there have not been any studies on this that I 112 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: could find, so actually, if you're looking for a fun 113 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: research topic, that might be a really interesting one. But 114 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: I think that is just one explanation. Our dating preferences 115 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: are influenced by societal and gendered expectations, which is why 116 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 1: they differ for men and women. And that's why also 117 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: our X, what we like immediately find kind of I 118 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,640 Speaker 1: don't want to say revolting because that's a strong word, 119 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: but really unappealing about someone is going to be based 120 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: on the gender that we see ourselves as or our sex. 121 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: So are our x justified? Should we really be that 122 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: particular or are we even deliberately making a decision about 123 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: what we do and do not find attractive about someone. 124 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 1: I don't actually think that we have a choice in 125 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: the matter, right. I think that these icks are like, 126 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: quite involuntary and quite spontaneous, And the theories that we're 127 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 1: going to talk about later that suggest that it actually 128 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: comes from a very unconscious part of our mind that 129 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: is trying to warn us of something or has a 130 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: greater intuitive sense of the long term compatibility between us 131 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 1: and someone else. But I also think that the concept 132 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: of an it kind of scares me because what does 133 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: it really say about the nature of attraction and kind 134 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: of love in general? You know, one of the premises, 135 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 1: the underlying beliefs about getting the ick is that it 136 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,079 Speaker 1: can kind of occur at any stage. It's this flip 137 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 1: of a switch whereby the things we once found attractive 138 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,840 Speaker 1: are suddenly unbearable. So it kind of seems to suggest 139 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 1: that our attraction to someone is not as unconditional as 140 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: we think. That we can fall out of love just 141 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 1: as easily as we can fall in love based on 142 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,200 Speaker 1: someone's quirks and their particular behaviors, and you know by 143 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: that logic, And this is the thing that terrifies me. 144 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: You could be married for twenty years and suddenly your 145 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,199 Speaker 1: partner decides to wear like the wrong kind of socks 146 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 1: or kind of burps a little bit weird, and you 147 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: get the ick. You get the ick. Actually it relates 148 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: to this deeper idea known as fatal attraction theory, which 149 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:30,640 Speaker 1: is somewhat different to the ick. But this hypothesis proposed 150 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 1: by Professor Diane Felmley. She believes that the things we 151 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: initially find attractive about someone, like their humor, their spontaneity, 152 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 1: their conscientiousness, those are sometimes the things that actually cause 153 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: the relationship to break down in the end, when we 154 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,719 Speaker 1: begin to see these once positive traits in a new light. 155 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: The things that we love the most about ourselves or 156 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: about someone else are also the things that we dislike 157 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,839 Speaker 1: about ourselves or someone else the most. I think that 158 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: has more to do with compatibility, because inherently, I think 159 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,040 Speaker 1: we all know from our personal experience with the ick 160 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,199 Speaker 1: that it's kind of reserved for those early days, right, 161 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: those early first dates, those first months, where we are 162 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: seeing someone in a different context, perhaps testing them out, 163 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: seeing if we fit. And during that stage when we 164 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: are dating but not dating, we're pretty hyper vigilant to 165 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: any signs that things might not work out, hyper vigilant 166 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: to the things that turn us off from someone. I 167 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,559 Speaker 1: think it's serve this kind of weird fork in the 168 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: road when we first become kind of romantically attached to 169 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 1: someone and we have to kind of ask the question, 170 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 1: are we okay with this person not being perfect? Can 171 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: we overlook the small, little, everyday things they do that 172 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: might be a little bit annoying or that we wouldn't 173 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: do the same way. I think everyone in a long 174 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: term partnership or marriage, I will tell you that you 175 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 1: cannot love absolutely everything about your partner. There will be 176 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: times that they annoy you or do things that are frustrating. 177 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: But it's not the same as the ick. It's not 178 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: the same as that instant discust that literally makes you 179 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 1: feel repulsed by a person or leave you internally cringing. 180 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: And that's what is the difference between an ick and 181 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: a deal breaker, which I think a deal breaker is 182 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: more aligned to our values and our needs. The ick 183 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: is really just like a mental test, like am I 184 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: willing to tolerate these small things about a person? Or 185 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: is it just too much for me? So maybe and 186 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:47,840 Speaker 1: some therapists do offer this explanation. We identify small things 187 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: as an out. Maybe they are just an unconscious smoke 188 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 1: screen for a bigger reason we want to leave, or 189 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,320 Speaker 1: that we don't want to be with this person, either 190 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:02,679 Speaker 1: because of something about them or about ourselves, like emotional unavailability. 191 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,640 Speaker 1: Instead of deciding to confront the fact that maybe we 192 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: are not ready to take things further, or that we 193 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: are closed off to a connection or worried about the 194 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:17,559 Speaker 1: other person maybe being turned off by us, first, we 195 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,680 Speaker 1: pull the trigger on something arbitrary before having to get 196 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: to invested or maybe see the bigger potential problems in 197 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: our relationship that could leave us feeling hurt or rejected. 198 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 1: That's just one way of looking at it. Maybe it's 199 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,440 Speaker 1: also a real reason and your gut is telling you 200 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,240 Speaker 1: to run. This ick is related to something bigger, a 201 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: deal breaker, as we said, a red flag. But you know, 202 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: these icks are also kind of, like I said, as smokescreen, right, 203 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: Like sometimes it really is a way for our brain 204 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,559 Speaker 1: to be like, oh, deep down, I know I don't 205 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: like this person. Deep down, I probably don't want to 206 00:12:55,840 --> 00:13:00,720 Speaker 1: be with them. So my brain is going to find 207 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: something small about their behavior that's gonna give me a 208 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: reason to leave, that's gonna kind of show me what 209 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: my unconscious thoughts already know, which is that there isn't 210 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: a future here. And you know, these icks, although we've 211 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: really been focusing on them in reference to romantic partners, 212 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,680 Speaker 1: they might not just be reserved for the people we 213 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: deem as sexually attractive or who we are intimately connected 214 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 1: to in that way. They can also extend to our friends, 215 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 1: to our coworkers, to our acquaintances, even strangers. You know, 216 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,560 Speaker 1: although our recovery from these ix is probably quicker. But 217 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: if you see someone trip on the street and you 218 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 1: kind of cringe, that might be a version of the ick, 219 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 1: you know, less intense, but still palpable. That instinct that 220 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: cringe comes from a few places. Firstly, some theorists that 221 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,080 Speaker 1: it's really just secondhand embarrassment. The ick is a projection 222 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:58,199 Speaker 1: of our own shame through criticism. When we see those 223 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: slip ups, those things that we find awkward, we imagine 224 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: ourselves in that position, and you know, maybe it's a 225 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,839 Speaker 1: combination of empathy and self awareness. But we feel what 226 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,680 Speaker 1: they're feeling, and we feel embarrassed and acknowledging that that 227 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: other person is probably like vulnerable in that moment is 228 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,400 Speaker 1: kind of really intense. And that vulnerability, if we're not 229 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: ready for it yet, or if this person is just 230 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: a random stranger, is quite confronting, and so it gives 231 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: us this like really awkward, uncomfortable feeling that's like, oh, 232 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: don't I'm going to look away from that. That kind 233 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,880 Speaker 1: of makes me feel a bit weird. There's also some 234 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 1: theories that the I is actually perhaps our intuition working 235 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 1: in our favor. Maybe it emerges from some previous negative association, 236 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: or it's a self defense strategy. But it also can 237 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: be deliberate. It's a deliberate way to kind of get 238 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: over someone by giving ourselves the inch, by imagining that 239 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: person in a scenario that we know we're going to 240 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: find unappealing. So a lot of that is based in 241 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: some really nuanced social psychology, and we're going to explore 242 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: all of those potential explanations and more alongside how it's 243 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: maybe harming us after this shortbreak. So the ick is real, 244 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: we know it exists. I think we've all felt it, 245 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 1: but what is the actual purpose, Where does it come from, 246 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 1: why does it occur? So, like I said, there's a 247 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,400 Speaker 1: few theories, some scientific, some less so to deal with 248 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: these very questions. So let's have a closer look at 249 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: some of them. So I want to return to something 250 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,840 Speaker 1: that we spoke about kind of briefly before. One possibility 251 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: is that the ink that we feel towards really small, 252 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: sometimes negligible things is actually a self defensive mechanism or 253 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: strategy to protect us against relationship failure or fear of 254 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: commit meant fear of intimacy or rejection sensitivity. The last 255 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: one is really important here. If we constantly look for 256 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 1: the flaws of others, we spend less time examining our 257 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: own flaws. But we also get to pick up on 258 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 1: any opportunities that they might have to reject us. So 259 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:25,920 Speaker 1: that's where our hypervigilance towards their actions comes from. Hypervigilance 260 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: towards ourselves that we want to project onto others to 261 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: not feel that anxiety as intensely so humans, we are 262 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: social creatures. I must say that every third episode because 263 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: it is so true, and we are innately really driven 264 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: to seek proximity and security, acceptance and love. But if 265 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: we feel threatened or confronted, we might look for ways 266 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 1: to distance ourselves from this person out of a drive 267 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: for self protection. Instead of acknowledging that feeling that fear, 268 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,000 Speaker 1: we search for something in someone else, and therefore we 269 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: get the ick to you know, kind of stuff the 270 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: purpose of self preservation. In those vulnerable moments, maybe we 271 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 1: are also looking for a reason to end things with 272 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: someone because we just actually don't feel anything for them, 273 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 1: but we don't want to admit that, Or we feel 274 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 1: bad for rejecting someone because maybe there is nothing in 275 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: particular that's wrong with them. They might be a perfectly 276 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: fine person. So our brains engage in something called post rationalization, 277 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:34,520 Speaker 1: going and search for an appropriate reason for a decision 278 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 1: that we've already kind of inherently made, but we don't 279 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: really have a justification for it yet. So because we 280 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,200 Speaker 1: don't have a legitimate reason, we settle on some other explanation. 281 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 1: We create an ick. You know, like one day I 282 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: kind of noticed that his legs were too hairy, or 283 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: he wore sneakers to the beach, or whatever it is 284 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,160 Speaker 1: that is not actually a huge factor in your relationship, 285 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 1: but it is a reason that you can use to 286 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: justify maybe a deeper decision that you don't really want 287 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,959 Speaker 1: to be with that person. So once again, not conscious, 288 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 1: not deliberate, but occurring in some kind of hidden way. Also, 289 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,720 Speaker 1: that ick might be a self created projection or proxy 290 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 1: for some other dissatisfaction in your relationship that hasn't yet 291 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 1: come to the surface, but we can already kind of sense. 292 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 1: This links to the idea of a learned mental connection. 293 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:33,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes the things we find quote unquote repulsive, immediately awkward, 294 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 1: surprisingly unattractive about someone all stems from a previous negative association. 295 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: Humans learned by repeated association, So that basically means that 296 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: when we experience one stimulus and it elicits a certain 297 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: emotional response, we start to believe that that stimulus will 298 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:59,160 Speaker 1: always elicit that emotional response. For example, if every time 299 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,280 Speaker 1: you eat a so food you feel sick, you will 300 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: stop eating that food because your brain has learned that 301 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 1: this food equals illness, or you will feel even discussed 302 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,919 Speaker 1: when you see it without having to taste it or 303 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 1: put it in your own mouth. These associations, they're often 304 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,199 Speaker 1: related to classical conditioning. They tell us what things to 305 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 1: avoid because of a previous negative experience, without needing us 306 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 1: to experience them again. But sometimes our brain can make 307 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: the incorrect association. Say, for example, your ex would always 308 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: cancel plans and ignore you, or didn't provide you with 309 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 1: affection or attention. That emotional experience is obviously going to 310 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: elicit some really terrible feelings, and those feelings stay with us. 311 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,960 Speaker 1: But say this X of yours they also wore, you know, 312 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 1: a particular kind of shoe they wore, I don't know, 313 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: Timberlands or Vans or added as our brain in that 314 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 1: situation makes the wrong association such that we begin to 315 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,640 Speaker 1: associate the shoes with the negative experience. And so maybe 316 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: you go on a first date with someone. They're wearing 317 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 1: the Timberlands, they're wearing the vans. Immediate ick, immediate ick, 318 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,120 Speaker 1: and that ick is because of this previous negative association. 319 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: So our brain is activating this pathway of disgust to 320 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 1: kind of warn us to stay away, thinking that the 321 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,360 Speaker 1: stimulus this item is warning us of a similar emotional 322 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,280 Speaker 1: experience in our past, the one that we had with 323 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: the bad ex. That Timberland example. I'm not gonna lie, 324 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 1: it's actually a personal ick for me for that very reason. 325 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: It makes me think of someone that I used to 326 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 1: be in a relationship with, and I squirm, and I 327 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,400 Speaker 1: immediately find that unattractive because it's a reminder of all 328 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: the things that I really didn't like about that person. 329 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,200 Speaker 1: And it didn't have anything to do with their shoes. 330 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,240 Speaker 1: It had something to do with a lot, you know, 331 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,040 Speaker 1: a lot more than that. It was a lot deeper. 332 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: But my brain has been like, all right, this thing 333 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 1: is a clue for something else, so let's avoid this thing. 334 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: Maybe that kind of goes to show how the experience 335 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: of getting the ick could also be interpreted as intuition, 336 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,120 Speaker 1: which is why when we get the ick towards someone 337 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 1: we're seeing, we can't help but notice it and act 338 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 1: on it. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Your 339 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: intuition is an incredibly powerful tool when you understand it. 340 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:28,159 Speaker 1: That feeling we sometimes get, that gut instinct, is a 341 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,640 Speaker 1: scientifically proven projection of all of our senses and our 342 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,840 Speaker 1: brain making use of past experiences, along with internal signals 343 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,720 Speaker 1: and cues from our environment to make a decision, maybe 344 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,160 Speaker 1: a decision that we wouldn't have made otherwise. Our brain 345 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: picks up on things that we maybe don't consciously realize 346 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,879 Speaker 1: as of yet, so it might see something in this 347 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:52,359 Speaker 1: person that our conscious mind does not. I don't know 348 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,119 Speaker 1: whether that is particularly correct or not, especially when it's 349 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: based on something arbitrary, like you know, just doing something 350 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,399 Speaker 1: a little bit odd. I don't think think that's a 351 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 1: really strong indicator of character or our potential for a 352 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: future with someone, if that's what you want. But that 353 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: is one school of thought that the ick comes from 354 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 1: some unknown, unidentifiable got instinct. But you know it may 355 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,240 Speaker 1: or may not be correct, but it's trying to protect 356 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:20,159 Speaker 1: you in some weird way, through some weird association, or 357 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: maybe through some kind of pick up of something that 358 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,399 Speaker 1: you haven't really noticed consciously yet, even if it's slightly misgiven. 359 00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: But some people are also just super picky or even 360 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:37,160 Speaker 1: judgmental towards things that other people would forgive, that they 361 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:42,280 Speaker 1: would ignore. If you chronically experience the ick for some reason, 362 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,879 Speaker 1: it may be because you yourself were raised in an 363 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 1: environment of criticism and judgment. Your mum was always commenting 364 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: on what people were wearing or small things that no 365 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,800 Speaker 1: one else would notice, determining that they meant something more. 366 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 1: But now you're also notice those things you have learned 367 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,600 Speaker 1: from modeling your parents' behavior to have that kind of 368 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 1: radar and hypervigilance to the small awkward quirks that all 369 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,840 Speaker 1: of us have. It may also be because you have 370 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,640 Speaker 1: a sense of inadequacy, but instead of acknowledging that, you're 371 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 1: displacing that feeling onto someone else to distract yourself. A 372 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:26,080 Speaker 1: lot of this comes from some really strange internal relationships 373 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: that impact our ability to sustain a long term attraction 374 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,520 Speaker 1: to someone. You know, what I find really interesting is 375 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: that some people even undergo what this one author calls 376 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:43,720 Speaker 1: the elective ickiness, choosing to deliberately think of someone in 377 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: an undignified situation to get over them. One of my 378 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,560 Speaker 1: friends actually posted a video about this the other day, 379 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,159 Speaker 1: being like, if you want to get over him, just 380 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 1: imagine him asking a waiter for more water but they 381 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 1: ignore him, or like, imagine him tripping over his shoelacers 382 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: in that situation. You are deliberately creating scenarios in your 383 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,160 Speaker 1: head that you know will turn you off. There's kind 384 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,080 Speaker 1: of no coming back from that, but it's kind of 385 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:12,920 Speaker 1: a brilliant emotional hack. If you know you shouldn't be 386 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 1: attracted to someone like if they themselves are emotionally unavailable, 387 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 1: or they're giving you mixed signals, or it's your ex 388 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: and you really want to find a quick solution to 389 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:27,160 Speaker 1: turn that love and that attraction into disgust. I saw 390 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 1: some other examples actually that I thought were so funny 391 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: they made me laugh. But one of them was, like, 392 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,200 Speaker 1: imagine him eating spaghetti and he gets like red bits 393 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,360 Speaker 1: all around his mouth. Or imagine him trying to pat 394 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,679 Speaker 1: a dog, but he, you know, the second he reaches 395 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,840 Speaker 1: for the dog, it like walks away, Like that's second 396 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,359 Speaker 1: hand embarrassment, that second hand cringe. That is the ick, 397 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 1: you know. And in those situations, we discussed where it's appropriate, 398 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,919 Speaker 1: where you probably don't want to be attracted to this 399 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: person anymore because it would create a negative outcome for 400 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,640 Speaker 1: you in the long term. You should totally average the ick. 401 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,400 Speaker 1: You should feel that disgust to put up a necessary 402 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: wall between yourself and that person. But if you are 403 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:12,199 Speaker 1: someone who experiences the chronic ick and cannot overcome it 404 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,479 Speaker 1: with every person you meet, even if they are a 405 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 1: walking green flag, I think that that's indicating something deeper, 406 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: more internal, more personal, that is going on. In those situations, 407 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,119 Speaker 1: or maybe you're just in a dating rut. You know, 408 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: I've got one friend, God bless her, but it's almost 409 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,479 Speaker 1: like clockwork. She goes on three dates with someone and 410 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,159 Speaker 1: she finds a reason to end it, and it's always 411 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,960 Speaker 1: something that most of us would see as pretty minor. 412 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,280 Speaker 1: But like I said before, your ix are personal, your 413 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,040 Speaker 1: ix are subjective, and they, you know, emerge not just 414 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 1: from your preferences, but your relationship pattern, your willingness to 415 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:55,359 Speaker 1: accept emotional vulnerability, your willingness to realize that someone isn't 416 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: perfect and you have to be okay with that. It, 417 00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:02,399 Speaker 1: no doubt, can be really hard when we constantly find 418 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,240 Speaker 1: something wrong with everyone and we listen to ours as 419 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: if they are objective truth, because in those moments, we're 420 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,000 Speaker 1: really unable to ever meet someone at a deeper level 421 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,800 Speaker 1: because we're allowing ourselves to be distracted by something that's 422 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: probably just super arbitrary and super innocuous and not really 423 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,639 Speaker 1: relevant to anything about the relationship on a deeper level. 424 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,919 Speaker 1: So in those moments, here is what you need to 425 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,280 Speaker 1: ask yourself. Is this thing I'm seeing that I don't 426 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: like actually a big deal? Is it a deal breaker? 427 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: Is it a red flag or is it maybe just 428 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: my mind making an inaccurate association, or or is it 429 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:50,199 Speaker 1: perpetuating my emotional unavailability by giving me an unexplainable reason 430 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,200 Speaker 1: to not have to go further with this person? Examine 431 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 1: the ick? Why does that make you feel repulsed or 432 00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 1: why does it make you cringe at the other person? 433 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,959 Speaker 1: And is that actually justified? You know, the ick is 434 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: not a death sentence, and I want that to be 435 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,200 Speaker 1: super clear for my people who are worried they'll never 436 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,879 Speaker 1: recover from this chronic pattern of ickness. Literally my first 437 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: date with my now boyfriend, and I hope he doesn't 438 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:21,280 Speaker 1: mind me saying this. He hadn't made any concrete plans 439 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,560 Speaker 1: on the day and I almost didn't go. I was like, 440 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,520 Speaker 1: this is icky. I'm getting the ick. I don't know 441 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 1: if we can recover from this. And now you know, 442 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,199 Speaker 1: we're super love and great and it's just part of 443 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,440 Speaker 1: the story. It's a funny little side quest. No one 444 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,119 Speaker 1: is ever going to be perfect. That's I think the 445 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,919 Speaker 1: core element of this conversation. No one is going to 446 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,639 Speaker 1: be perfect. And if that's what you're searching for, I 447 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,960 Speaker 1: think you might be disappointed. And that's not to encourage 448 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,040 Speaker 1: you to settle or anything like that, but to accept 449 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:55,840 Speaker 1: that people have small quirks, you know, those fashion choices 450 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 1: that you might not agree with, wearing goggles at the beach, 451 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,280 Speaker 1: God forbid. It's kind of all part of the package. 452 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 1: So searching for perfection is kind of an impossible task. 453 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: It's a fruitless outcome. You're never going to find someone 454 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,639 Speaker 1: who isn't occasionally going to do something where you're a 455 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,359 Speaker 1: bit like, oh, that's a bit embarrassing, because humans are embarrassing. 456 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,120 Speaker 1: I'm embarrassing, you're embarrassing. We all do things that perhaps 457 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,159 Speaker 1: make us feel cringe and make us feel awkward and 458 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,720 Speaker 1: make us feel weird, and we would hope that someone 459 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: else doesn't see this and immediately think that it's some 460 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:33,280 Speaker 1: kind of broader judgment of our character. Treat the ick 461 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 1: I guess like a relational junction, a relational challenge, a 462 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 1: fork in the road. You can turn left and you 463 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: can keep looking for that elusive perfect person who is 464 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,800 Speaker 1: going to complete you. Maybe this thing is a deal breaker, 465 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,360 Speaker 1: so you really don't want to be attracted to them anymore. 466 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 1: Maybe this is a good thing, or you can accept 467 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:01,520 Speaker 1: that real intimacy involves accepting some one for who they 468 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: are as they will hopefully do for you. True love 469 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,480 Speaker 1: kind of defies the ick. Like we said before, it's 470 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,800 Speaker 1: kind of this point in your relationship, and I think 471 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 1: it's an important point where if you are to experience 472 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: the ick, it makes you decide like is this something 473 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: I can overlook or is it like immediate discussed immediate, 474 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,280 Speaker 1: like vomit in my mouth, embarrassment. I do not want 475 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: to be with this person anymore. Please don't touch me. 476 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:26,480 Speaker 1: You kind of have a choice. A is like, is 477 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 1: that what this really is or is it, you know, 478 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 1: my brain trying to tell me something else. I think 479 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,240 Speaker 1: that's especially the case when the icks are quite arbitrary 480 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:38,400 Speaker 1: and small and can be overlooked. This was a really 481 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: fun episode. I hope you enjoyed this brief psychological foray 482 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:47,400 Speaker 1: explanation of the world of the ick. Honestly, if you 483 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: have experienced an ick, can you please DM me? I 484 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: want to know your weirdest ix. No judgment, just curiosity, 485 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,240 Speaker 1: please and thank you. I think it's such an interesting 486 00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:59,160 Speaker 1: concept that we can be with someone and we're like, yes, 487 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 1: they are amazing, so attractive, I want a future with them, 488 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:03,920 Speaker 1: and then they just do this one thing and suddenly 489 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,720 Speaker 1: that like tap of attraction and intimacy is like turned off. 490 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,080 Speaker 1: Like I think I understand it more now that we 491 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,360 Speaker 1: think about it from the intuition perspective or the defense 492 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 1: mechanism perspective. And if you're someone who has never experienced 493 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,840 Speaker 1: the ICK, I wonder if that's more associated with like 494 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:23,560 Speaker 1: a secure attachment style. That would be really fascinating to 495 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,720 Speaker 1: look into, because I think, especially with people who are avoidant, 496 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: that would be a huge relationship. You know, the people 497 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: who are avoidant obviously stray away and push away emotional intimacy, 498 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: and maybe that's why they experience the ICK more because 499 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: like we said, it is a proxy excuse to not 500 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 1: have to get closer to that person. I'm just rambling here. 501 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: I think that would be such an interesting theory to 502 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,240 Speaker 1: look into. But I really do hope that you enjoyed 503 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 1: this episode. I've freaking loved it. It was kind of fun, 504 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,080 Speaker 1: you know, Like I think it's one of those things 505 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:59,040 Speaker 1: where it's so often there is so much hidden psychology 506 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 1: behind the things that just seem like super normal and 507 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:05,320 Speaker 1: just like a super casual part of our everyday vocabulary. 508 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: And then when you examine it a bit further. There 509 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,600 Speaker 1: is like this whole secret underground of explanations. So thank 510 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:15,440 Speaker 1: you so much for listening. As always, if you enjoyed 511 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:19,520 Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to give us a follow 512 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,200 Speaker 1: follow along so you get notified when I post new episodes. 513 00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:26,400 Speaker 1: I just did all of my episode planning for November 514 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,719 Speaker 1: and December and also January, and let me say, there 515 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,200 Speaker 1: are some good episodes coming out that I am beyond 516 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,440 Speaker 1: excited about, so make sure that you're following us. Give 517 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,280 Speaker 1: us a five star review if you would like and 518 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 1: share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. 519 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,960 Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, or if you have 520 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 1: a contrary opinion, or you want to share your thoughts, 521 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: please feel free to dm me on Instagram at that 522 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,600 Speaker 1: Psychology Podcast. We would love to have you over there 523 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,920 Speaker 1: to share in this journey and you can see behind 524 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,240 Speaker 1: the scenes content and video content as well. So once again, 525 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 1: thank you for listening. I think I've said that about 526 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,080 Speaker 1: three times, but it was great to have you here 527 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:08,320 Speaker 1: and we will be back next week for another episode.