1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:10,040 Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone, 2 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,280 Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about 3 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,639 Speaker 1: the choices we make and where they lead us. So 4 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 1: today I wanted to talk about something that was a 5 00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:25,319 Speaker 1: big choice my husband and I made that I know 6 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,639 Speaker 1: a lot of couples have gone through and for a 7 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 1: lot of people, not everyone, but for a lot of people, 8 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:36,239 Speaker 1: starting a family is important to them. I am blessed 9 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: to be the mother of three, and when Dave and 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,239 Speaker 1: I got together, Dave didn't have any children. Today, we're 11 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:47,520 Speaker 1: going to talk about our journey with IVF. Please welcome 12 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 1: my hobby Dave, back to the I Choose Me Podcast. Hi, honey, 13 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: Hey babe. Nice to see you on the podcast. Yeah, 14 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 1: you saw me in the kitchen a minute ago. 15 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 2: M hm and the bedroom. 16 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,280 Speaker 1: This is pretty vulnerable topic and I really appreciate you 17 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,480 Speaker 1: being open to talking about it because I think it 18 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: could help some people. 19 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's definitely been the news and people are talking 20 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 2: about it more and people are open and you know, 21 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 2: discussing it. 22 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,399 Speaker 1: Why don't we start at the beginning. We've talked about 23 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 1: our love story on the podcast before. If you guys 24 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 1: haven't listened to that. Go back and listen to that one, 25 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: so you're up to speed. 26 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 2: Fun one. 27 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: It's a good one. Yeah, when we met, how old 28 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 1: were the girls at this point? 29 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 2: Fiona was eight, Lola was just turning twelve, and Luca 30 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 2: was sixteen seventeen. I think she had just turn or seventeen. 31 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 2: She's going into her senior year of high school. 32 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: You entered into a relationship and automatically had three stepdaughters, Yes, 33 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,559 Speaker 1: but no babies of your own. 34 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 2: No, no children. 35 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: What were your thoughts on kids when we met? 36 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 2: Were you thinking, No, I'm not you know, I'm not. 37 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 2: I hear people say, well, you know, I want to 38 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 2: be a great father and I want to be this 39 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 2: and I've got to have this family and I want 40 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 2: to do that. I never really thought of anything. I 41 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 2: kind of just went day by day and I never 42 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 2: thought like, did I think about children? Yeah? Did I 43 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:24,960 Speaker 2: want to have kids? Of course? Yeah. I was like, yeah, 44 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 2: that'd be great. But it never defined me. I never 45 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,800 Speaker 2: was pushed by you know, I've got to have children 46 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,320 Speaker 2: of my own. I know that's a big deal to 47 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 2: a lot of men. I just, to be honest, I 48 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,639 Speaker 2: was just I just didn't think about it. I always 49 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 2: said to myself, if it happened, wonderful and if it didn't, 50 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:50,799 Speaker 2: then you know it didn't. But something great came out 51 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 2: of that, you know, with the girls and stuff. And 52 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 2: it's not like we didn't try. I mean, we're talking 53 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,959 Speaker 2: about this whole episode because we I mean, we gave 54 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 2: it a good shot. 55 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: What point in our relationship did we start talking about 56 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:06,959 Speaker 1: maybe wanting to have kids together? 57 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,240 Speaker 2: Well? Do you? I mean, if you if you remember, 58 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:15,959 Speaker 2: we we got married on July eleventh, what was it, 59 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 2: July twelfth, two thousand, four fifteen, and then we got pregnant, 60 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 2: like the same month. 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: So we got naturally, we got pregnant naturally. 62 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, we got back from Carmel. We went to a 63 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 2: little mini like honeymoon to Carmel up in you know, Monterey, 64 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 2: and like two weeks later, you were pregnant. 65 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: I mean I completely blocked this out. 66 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 2: You gave me you remember how you told me. 67 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: I do remember telling you, but I didn't remember. It 68 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 1: was like so quickly after we got married. 69 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you gave me a gift, like you were like, 70 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 2: here here's a box, and I opened up the box. 71 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 2: It was like a random Tuesday afternoon and I opened 72 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 2: up the b and it was this little like onesie with 73 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 2: like golf carts and golf things on it, and yeah, 74 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 2: and that's that's how you told me. I remember Liz, 75 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,279 Speaker 2: your assistant at the time, you know, you know, it 76 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 2: was just me, you and her, and it was then 77 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 2: that was like, wow, okay. 78 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: You were were you like excited? Were you? 79 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, I was excited. I mean I was in shock. 80 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,480 Speaker 2: I was like, what so quick? 81 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: I mean our relationship in general was so fast tracked, 82 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,119 Speaker 1: I mean in every sense of the word. 83 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,479 Speaker 2: Yeah, and to have that, you know on top of it, 84 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 2: you're you're just kind of taking aback, going all right, well, yeah, 85 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,720 Speaker 2: I mean that didn't turn out the way we had hoped. 86 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:54,360 Speaker 1: So what walk me through? And our listeners like what 87 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: happened with that pregnancy? Because, for the life of me, 88 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 1: I don't remember how I blocked it out. 89 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 2: For the listeners, it's like I'm having this conversation, like 90 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 2: she's fully new to this conversation. Okay, So what happened 91 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 2: you mean after you told me, well, we went to Nancy, 92 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 2: your doctor gynecologist, and yeah, we were good to go. 93 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 2: And then that lasted almost four months and then you 94 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:39,120 Speaker 2: know we found out what do you mean, well, I 95 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 2: don't want to get emotional on the first fifteen minutes 96 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 2: of a podcast with me. Yeah, we found out that 97 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 2: there was no heartbeat. 98 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,280 Speaker 1: Do we find that out in the office? Do you 99 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 1: remember what went through your mind? Then? 100 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,280 Speaker 2: I don't know. I mean we've geez, I haven't really 101 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 2: talked about it, you know, I think it was, Yeah, 102 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 2: I was, I was upset. 103 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: Did you feel upset with me? 104 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:25,400 Speaker 2: No? No, you talking about like resentment? No, I was. 105 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 2: I wasn't like upset. I was just just down. M hm. 106 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: So we had to have procedure, the DNC DNC, which. 107 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,359 Speaker 2: We became familiar with, or at least I did, you know, 108 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 2: because I, you know, i'd never you know, known anyone 109 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 2: in that situation or gone through that situation. 110 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: I think I remember them saying like we could just 111 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 1: wait and let it work its way nature, let nature 112 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,599 Speaker 1: take its course where we could do the procedure. And 113 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: we opted to do the procedure because it was just 114 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 1: too much for me to you know, carry it. Yeah, 115 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,040 Speaker 1: maybe that wasn't was that had been terminated. 116 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, it was totally heavy. 117 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 1: And then we had it done that day. 118 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 2: We had it done that day, it's like it's wild, 119 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 2: it's like you know, in and out, but it's yeah, 120 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:22,240 Speaker 2: it's it's really heavy. And so then after that, you know, 121 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 2: because it was totally unexpected, and it was like, well maybe, 122 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 2: I mean, I guess I'm you know, speaking for myself, 123 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 2: please do you know maybe that wasn't in the plan. 124 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 1: And so so you sort of reconciled with yourself, well 125 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: that's not on the cards. 126 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, But then it happened again naturally, yes, mm hmm, 127 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 2: Oh my god. 128 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: Why don't I remember things? 129 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 2: I think, Yeah, I think you I don't know. I mean, 130 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 2: it's a good one to block out. I guess. 131 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 1: So what happened? 132 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 2: And then so that one was shorter. I remember we 133 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 2: had to switch to doctors, and this one was only 134 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 2: you know, you found out you got pregnant. And then 135 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 2: this was only like a month and a half. And 136 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 2: then we went and we you know how they you 137 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,880 Speaker 2: can kind of see it, you know, starting to come around. 138 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 2: And then this one was short. I mean, I think 139 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 2: the doctor, I forget his name, I think that the 140 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 2: doctor at the time was like, well, it's it's not 141 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 2: going to be healthy anyway. So then we you know, 142 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 2: we did the DNC again, and then by that time 143 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,679 Speaker 2: I think I think that it had definitely taken an 144 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 2: emotional tool which we didn't know how to communicate at 145 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 2: the time, so we kind of just wrapped it up, 146 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 2: and then other things kind of came in the fold. 147 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,199 Speaker 2: And then I think our relationship is starting to get 148 00:08:53,240 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 2: a little, you know, just chaotic and not having the 149 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,079 Speaker 2: tools equipped to work through it. And we were going 150 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,960 Speaker 2: to therapy, but we were not necessarily doing the wrong therapy. 151 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,240 Speaker 2: We were just we weren't attacking the root. 152 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: We were talking about that, right, and the deep sadness 153 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: and grief that both of us were feeling simultaneously, but 154 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 1: we weren't talking to each other about it. I feel 155 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 1: like I remember a little bit of just really going 156 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: inside and struggling personally and privately on my own, and 157 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: I felt and sort of saw that you were doing 158 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:34,240 Speaker 1: the same thing. 159 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:42,720 Speaker 2: I mean, I I said stuff to you know, people like, oh, hey, 160 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 2: you know, man, it just didn't take, and people are like, oh, well, 161 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 2: you'll get it next time. It's it was very like 162 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 2: I just I just didn't know how it was so nonchalant. 163 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 2: I was thinking to myself, am I being too emotional 164 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 2: about this? You know, like once twice, like am I 165 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 2: is it just like no big deal. I don't know. 166 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 2: I had to like figure that out. I didn't work 167 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 2: through that. I mean, it wasn't and it wasn't. I'm 168 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,480 Speaker 2: not making like, you know, my friends and family, you know, 169 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 2: like very you know, dismissive. It was just, yeah, I 170 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:28,840 Speaker 2: don't think. I don't think I knew how to handle 171 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,480 Speaker 2: it much less. I don't really think I had a 172 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,719 Speaker 2: lot of people to converse with in it. 173 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,440 Speaker 1: So we were both dealing with that grief internally but 174 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 1: not sharing with each other, which I think was a 175 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: big problem. We'll get into that a little bit later, 176 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:48,079 Speaker 1: but I think at that time, I was feeling really 177 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: down on myself, really ashamed, feeling like I was disappointing you, 178 00:10:54,920 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: like I wasn't able to carry a pregnancy with you, 179 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 1: who I loved. 180 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: And I. 181 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: Had had these three beautiful daughters with Peter, and you 182 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: had stepped in and become such a wonderful stepdad to them, 183 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,560 Speaker 1: and you have a great dad, and you have a 184 00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: great relationship with your dad, and you are so fun 185 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: and just like love sports. So I remember I so 186 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,840 Speaker 1: so so wanted to give you a baby boy, and 187 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: so I think I was, really. 188 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 2: I was, you went down sort of a different you 189 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 2: know road or you know, with like dealing with it. 190 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:53,439 Speaker 2: You I think were hard on yourself and you thought 191 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 2: a little insecurities crept in that you weren't good enough. 192 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 2: And because I was younger, I needed to fill that 193 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 2: so called Lloyd in my life, and I I tried 194 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 2: to communicate, you know a little bit, like you know, 195 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,319 Speaker 2: it's not a big deal. I mean, I didn't marry 196 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,600 Speaker 2: you because I wanted to have children, and this didn't 197 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 2: this wasn't even something to be like expected. But since 198 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 2: it happened, you know, I mean, I was, you know, 199 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 2: you being the mother you are and the person you 200 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 2: are and the human you are. Of course, and naturally 201 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 2: I want to have a child with you, who would 202 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 2: have been great. But I don't. I don't necessarily look 203 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 2: back and think that stuff. I truly do feel like 204 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:52,439 Speaker 2: everything happens for a reason, and I'm so happy now, 205 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 2: we're so happy. Now, we're in the best place we've 206 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 2: come through this journey. 207 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:07,319 Speaker 1: And yeah, I want to go back to that time. 208 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: And I was silently suffering, and. 209 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,440 Speaker 2: Also there was a lot of hormones that I didn't 210 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,760 Speaker 2: know what were going on that were just exploding. 211 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, like with those two consecutive pregnancies and then those 212 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: two consecutive situations, I think that neither of us acknowledged 213 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,559 Speaker 1: the hormones at play, and that just that my mental 214 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: and physical was not the norm, and I got I 215 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: would be much quicker to be upset I was. I 216 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: think I was more apt to be insecure, like you said, 217 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 1: which turned into that jealousy, controlling feeling for you probably, Yeah. 218 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 1: And I was trying to burn the house down because 219 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,560 Speaker 1: I didn't feel like I deserved this or it was 220 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: all my fault. 221 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 2: Yeah. And also I didn't help the situation because I 222 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 2: was like, mister nothing, everything's fine, Like we can move 223 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 2: forward like every look, don't worry about it at the time, 224 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 2: instead of like really delving into it and actually having 225 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 2: a conversation about her or actually like, you know, we 226 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 2: we need to really kind of get a hold of this. 227 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 1: Do you wish you had handled it differently? 228 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 2: Yeah? 229 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: Of course, how would you have handled it differently? 230 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 2: I would have I was. I was. I think at 231 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 2: the time I was more wrapped up into me, you know, 232 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 2: even though I was a partner and I was doing 233 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 2: everything that I was supposed to be doing. I was 234 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 2: at you know, doing the girls going and whatever they needed, 235 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:58,960 Speaker 2: whatever you needed. But I was internalizing everything like kind 236 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 2: of selfishly like and myself like like, well what am 237 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 2: I going to get? Like what is the end going 238 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 2: to be for me? And like I don't really I 239 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 2: didn't at the time. I didn't know how to handle 240 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 2: what you were going through. I just I couldn't. And 241 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,560 Speaker 2: my biggest flaw is fight or flight, and so I 242 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,680 Speaker 2: would just remove myself because I couldn't handle it. 243 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,520 Speaker 1: When did we decide to go down the IVF road. 244 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: It must have been right after that, because I was like, 245 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: I want to go and find out what's going on 246 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,960 Speaker 1: with my eggs, Like I wanted to know what if 247 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,320 Speaker 1: my eggs were in fact the problem or if there 248 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: was an alternative for us. So I think that that 249 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: is when we went into the fertility center. 250 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not sure on the actual day. I think 251 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 2: it was a year before. It might have been it 252 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 2: was a year before we broke up. 253 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 1: I think, yeah, we'll get to that. 254 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 2: There's also is something I need to remind you of 255 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 2: it probably later on in this that you've probably forgotten about. 256 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 2: One great when we were broken up as well. 257 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 1: Great. I can't wait to hear it. So stay tuned 258 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: for that, guys. Geez. The IVF for for people that 259 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 1: have aren't familiar with IVF, there's a lot to it. 260 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,760 Speaker 1: There are it's you have to find the right doctor, 261 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,360 Speaker 1: fertility doctor. There is a lot of blood testing. 262 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,920 Speaker 2: We had a we had a really good one. She 263 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 2: was great. 264 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 1: A lot of pokes and prods and shots, shots. There 265 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: was the painful retrieving of the eggs, which doesn't sound 266 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 1: bad in theory, but it was very unpleasant stuff. The hearing, 267 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: the hearing, the disappointing news that they have a grading 268 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,640 Speaker 1: system with eggs. And I was I mean at that time, 269 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: I was in my forties. 270 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:06,120 Speaker 2: You were forty forty five, forty six. 271 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 1: My mid forties, and you know I found out that 272 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: yeah it was me. It was my eggs. They were 273 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: not good enough. 274 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,159 Speaker 2: But that's not that's not true. You had good eggs. 275 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,400 Speaker 1: What was the scale did they? 276 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:19,640 Speaker 2: I think we had a C. 277 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,200 Speaker 1: It was a if you have a egg, B eggs, 278 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: C egg and so. 279 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,159 Speaker 2: On, and so we we tried. 280 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: We rechieved some eggs, and then they looked at them 281 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 1: and they said, well, here are your options. You have, 282 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,040 Speaker 1: you know, maybe a B minus egg and some C eggs. 283 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,480 Speaker 1: Do you want to proceed? 284 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 2: Right? 285 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,880 Speaker 1: And I was determined yeah, and we did. And then 286 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: that that's when I remember. I just remember continuing that 287 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 1: feeling of shame and sadness because that that confirmation that 288 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: I did my eggs weren't good enough anymore, weren't young 289 00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: enough or able to have a viable pregnancy. So then 290 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 1: you did the sperm count test. Once we decided to 291 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,439 Speaker 1: move forward, they needed to check your sperm count. Yeah, 292 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,919 Speaker 1: do you want to tell them about that? This was 293 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: just this was the sperm count, So go. 294 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 2: Ahead, Like I always made, I know what you're getting 295 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 2: at because I always make a joke about it because 296 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 2: I had like to something out of to something I 297 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 2: had a great score. 298 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,360 Speaker 1: Wait, no, good, a little more detail please. You're supposed 299 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:29,760 Speaker 1: to have. 300 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 2: What you know, sixty seven to sixty seven. 301 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,359 Speaker 1: So yeah, so you're supposed to have like the high 302 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,439 Speaker 1: scores to sixty seven or something. 303 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 2: Yeah I score. Hey, I'm sorry. 304 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 1: And then you proceeded to joke around about it. 305 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 2: I did to, yeah, to probably quell my anxiety. But 306 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,200 Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I felt great about that at score. 307 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,920 Speaker 2: But yeah, like when we're talking about it, when you 308 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 2: know you're going down and I haven't actually like visually 309 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,680 Speaker 2: in my head. I'm very visual, so I have little 310 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,320 Speaker 2: scenes in my head that are playing out as you're talking. 311 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 2: And I can remember like the waiting room, the you know, 312 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,000 Speaker 2: inside the office, when the restroom, when I went to 313 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 2: get water, when just feelings of like panic and anxiety, 314 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:29,440 Speaker 2: and like I remember after this IVF it didn't take 315 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 2: and we went down that road. I remember the restroom, 316 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 2: and I remember the fake flower as I was sitting 317 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 2: on the toilet, not using the restroom, just sitting on 318 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,479 Speaker 2: the toilet and taking that flower and ripping it and 319 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 2: throwing it in the drap. It's so like, it's so 320 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 2: weird because you know, for I mean, it's a heavy 321 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,560 Speaker 2: subject for everybody, and and my heart goes out to 322 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 2: people who you know, are really trying and going through 323 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 2: the process, because we've been through the process, but we 324 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,359 Speaker 2: only we only went through it once. We elected not 325 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 2: to try again because it was just it was really 326 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,359 Speaker 2: heavy emotionally after you had been through all the miscarriages, 327 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 2: and we have friends that have successfully done it, and 328 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,480 Speaker 2: it's it's you know, my heart goes out to them 329 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,560 Speaker 2: even on you know, successfully having kids and stuff, because 330 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 2: it's it's a lot. 331 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: I do remember when you were joking around about like 332 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 1: you have this perfect sperm count and here I am 333 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:41,439 Speaker 1: sitting over here with the imperfect you know, expired eggs. Yeah, 334 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: not that I'm angry at you about it now, but 335 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: as we're talking about it, I can understand like my 336 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 1: feelings about it and how that even sent me and 337 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,200 Speaker 1: us into a darker, darker place. 338 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:57,440 Speaker 2: Me thinking something so light and trying to make light 339 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 2: of it too in my eyes, help the situation actually 340 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 2: hurt the situation. 341 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,480 Speaker 1: I don't remember the the implantation process because we proceeded. 342 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: We got your perfect sperm and we put it met 343 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,879 Speaker 1: up with my imperfect eggs and just prayed and hoped 344 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: that it would work. But it did. Its stick, It stuck, 345 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 1: I remember one stuck. 346 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:31,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, one stuck. But then we did oh yeah it did, 347 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 2: and then we went through the process. We went to 348 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:34,639 Speaker 2: the next step. 349 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 1: Well, first we had to do all the shots. First, 350 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 1: they you know, they send you home with your marching everything. Yeah, 351 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,359 Speaker 1: so we got they did the they had to prepare me, 352 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: I think before the implant of the sperm, and that 353 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,879 Speaker 1: was you know, shots at daily shots. 354 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, that we had to do, and Maven, you had 355 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,159 Speaker 2: to do it when you were you were traveling, so 356 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,439 Speaker 2: you were working and traveling a lot still, so you 357 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,160 Speaker 2: had to do it on the road and stuff like that. 358 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 1: I don't really remember you being a part of the. 359 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 2: Shots a couple of times, yeah, yeah. 360 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:18,719 Speaker 1: Maybe like two times, yeah, out of a lot. And 361 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,719 Speaker 1: I remember being upset by that, but never communicating it 362 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: to you. 363 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 2: No. 364 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 1: I remember thinking, I don't think he understands what is 365 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,679 Speaker 1: happening to my body. 366 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, I did it. I think that that's a good 367 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 2: lesson for everybody who was taking from us not communicating. 368 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 2: And I think that that it was terrible that we 369 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 2: didn't communicate that stuff. I had no idea about that, 370 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,199 Speaker 2: And I do remember sometimes I did it for you. 371 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,040 Speaker 1: I mean it was I think just from a male perspective, 372 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: it's it's obviously a lot less invasive for a man 373 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,800 Speaker 1: to go through all this, But what was it like 374 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,360 Speaker 1: me put my body through that? And like I guess 375 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: you just said you didn't really understand what was going 376 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 1: on with me physically and emotionally. How did you manage 377 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,679 Speaker 1: that or not manage that? And is there anything that 378 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 1: you wish you had done differently so that maybe you 379 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,800 Speaker 1: can help other guys out there. And I'm not I 380 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: don't mean to be pointing the finger. 381 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:28,640 Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of the experience, and because it's 382 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 2: not a great experience, if I'm speaking you know, for 383 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 2: me personally, it wasn't a great experience. I'm talking about 384 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 2: just emotionally. I'm talking about like disappointment and then seeing 385 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 2: you go through what you had to do, the process, 386 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,000 Speaker 2: seeing the process, and then going through the process and 387 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 2: then ultimately failing at the process. But my takeaway wasn't 388 00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 2: towards you. I wasn't upset at you. I was upset 389 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,680 Speaker 2: at the process because I just I just didn't want 390 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 2: to be a part of that process anymore. My whole 391 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,240 Speaker 2: thing was that if we can't do it, it's just 392 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 2: not in the cards for us. And maybe that's yeah, 393 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 2: I just I couldn't go Ever, once we left there, 394 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 2: once the IVF well, once it was done, I you know, 395 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 2: I never wanted to go back. 396 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,439 Speaker 1: Yeah, we got to the place. I think that was 397 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: after all the prep work that we had to go through, 398 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:33,000 Speaker 1: with the priming my body and getting my hormones to 399 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,159 Speaker 1: the right levels with the shots. 400 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 2: And then the DNC scene you go through the DNC. 401 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 2: I said, I'd never do that again. I'm never going 402 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,359 Speaker 2: to make you do that again. 403 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,359 Speaker 1: We had already done it. 404 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,359 Speaker 2: Four time, well three three times. We haven't gotten to 405 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 2: the fourth. 406 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,879 Speaker 1: We decided that IVF wasn't for us. We had already 407 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:55,160 Speaker 1: spent a lot of money. Yeah, and the aftermath of 408 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,880 Speaker 1: that experience threw. 409 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 2: Me into his tail spend. Personally. After that experience, the 410 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,560 Speaker 2: life that I was in with you at the time 411 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 2: was just too overwhelming for me. You were a celebrity. 412 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 2: I had three step children. I think I was like three. 413 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 2: We were three and a half years into our relationship. 414 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,760 Speaker 2: I started my own business. It was going it was 415 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:24,440 Speaker 2: going well. I was gonna go do another one, and 416 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:31,880 Speaker 2: I couldn't handle the severity of everything like mentally like happening. 417 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 2: So like, I just chose to kind of get out 418 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:42,760 Speaker 2: of the situation, which is not healthy. And then I 419 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,239 Speaker 2: feel like with the hormones that were going on with 420 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:50,159 Speaker 2: you, you weren't you weren't the same. You were being influenced 421 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:54,800 Speaker 2: by stuff you couldn't control. Essentially, I felt like and 422 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: I just couldn't be there to help you. I wasn't 423 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 2: mature enough. 424 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:11,000 Speaker 1: So what do you mean you couldn't handle it? That's 425 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,880 Speaker 1: you decided that you needed to leave. You did that 426 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: fight or flight thing. 427 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it had gotten to the point where 428 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 2: I just I couldn't handle it anymore. But there was 429 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,560 Speaker 2: also stuff going on with you that you didn't know 430 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 2: how to articulate. Your actions were not your Definitely. 431 00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 1: I wasn't myself. I wasn't. 432 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,199 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say, yeah, behaving. 433 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 1: Like probably the person that you had fallen in love with, 434 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: because I was grappling with so many emotions personally inside 435 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 1: my head, right, and then seeing you react the way 436 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,520 Speaker 1: you react, and I think kept just pushing me further 437 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,880 Speaker 1: over the edge. Yeah, it was not a good time. 438 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:57,440 Speaker 2: No. 439 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,520 Speaker 1: Do you think that the girls felt all of this 440 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,920 Speaker 1: or did they know about all of this? 441 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,720 Speaker 2: I think they were. I think Fiona was young. So 442 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 2: Fiona was like ten or eleven, and she was very compassionate. 443 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 2: Lola was fourteen fifteen teenager, really upset when she found 444 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,600 Speaker 2: out we were pregnant the first time when she was 445 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,920 Speaker 2: like twelve, she said she was going to go move 446 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 2: to her dad's. Now, I mean you take all that 447 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,359 Speaker 2: with a grain of salt. They you know, they have 448 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,639 Speaker 2: a brother now and they adore that little boy and 449 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:42,000 Speaker 2: he's so cute. But yeah, I don't know, they know 450 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 2: they didn't know what was going on, like the severity 451 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,000 Speaker 2: of what was going on with the both of us, 452 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:51,960 Speaker 2: But you know, we didn't even know what was going on. 453 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, it wasn't something we sat around at the dinner table. 454 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,359 Speaker 2: No, it's like this thing that just it just sat 455 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,040 Speaker 2: there and you just went, well, you know, I'm grieving, 456 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 2: so is that going to go away? But I mean 457 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,880 Speaker 2: at the time, I didn't know I was grieving. 458 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: Right, We didn't even know that we needed to grieve 459 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:14,159 Speaker 1: properly or treat ourselves with a different kind of compassion. 460 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,560 Speaker 2: But it's so odd. What are you grieving something you 461 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:20,400 Speaker 2: didn't even know it didn't even exist. 462 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,960 Speaker 1: I think we were grieving the loss of the idea 463 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,359 Speaker 1: of what we thought our future should look like, right, 464 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 1: and grieving. I was grieving on your behalf for you 465 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:35,360 Speaker 1: not becoming a. 466 00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:39,320 Speaker 2: Dad, fulfilling something that I had built up in my 467 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:40,480 Speaker 2: head for so long. 468 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,680 Speaker 1: So we were separated for a while, like ten months. Yeah, 469 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 1: I remember just like being gobsmacked, quite honestly, that you left, 470 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 1: and I remember I had just, you know, a few 471 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 1: years prior to this, gone through a after in a 472 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:06,360 Speaker 1: relationship with somebody for seventeen years, and I was so 473 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,760 Speaker 1: excited to be in a relationship with you and have 474 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 1: a fresh start and a second third chance. And I 475 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:23,400 Speaker 1: was pretty like destroyed. And you literally just were tail 476 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:27,520 Speaker 1: lights and left me and the girls. Not to point 477 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,600 Speaker 1: a finger, I'm just telling you the facts. You left 478 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 1: the girls and I to deal with it, and unfortunately, 479 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:39,040 Speaker 1: in that time I was just a mess. I think, 480 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: even more destroyed somehow than when my relationship with Peter 481 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: ended and the girls all handled it differently. They weren't 482 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 1: happy with me. They were mad at me because I 483 00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 1: was so upset again, so heartbroke, and I remember Fiona 484 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:06,320 Speaker 1: wrote me a song on the piano to try to 485 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,800 Speaker 1: make me feel better. I have a recording of it 486 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 1: on my phone and I listened to it sometimes. 487 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 2: And then they would go. So you were still doing 488 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 2: like one week off, one week on, and Peter lived 489 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 2: around the corner from like the new restaurant bar that 490 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,120 Speaker 2: I had opened, and I would work during days and 491 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 2: Loula would sneak sneak out and come over there. During 492 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:32,640 Speaker 2: the day and kind of see me and yeah, it 493 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:36,280 Speaker 2: was hard. And then Luca when she would come back 494 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:40,880 Speaker 2: from New York, you know, I see her and yeah 495 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:46,480 Speaker 2: it was hard. And then you know, they kind of 496 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 2: got settled into you know, we weren't going to be together, 497 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 2: and then we started getting back together and we started 498 00:30:55,320 --> 00:31:01,000 Speaker 2: to date again, and then we didn't talk about you know, 499 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 2: we had gotten back together in December of that year 500 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:11,000 Speaker 2: and you had gotten pregnant naturally again and you don't 501 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,040 Speaker 2: remember that. And then that's when we had to go 502 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:18,400 Speaker 2: and do the final DNC, which was in January of 503 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 2: that year, which was and then that kind of set 504 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:28,480 Speaker 2: us back for a couple of months until July is 505 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:32,880 Speaker 2: when we you and I rented a house in Joshua 506 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,880 Speaker 2: Tree with like no internet, nothing, and we just went 507 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:41,960 Speaker 2: there with the dogs for four days and ride laughed. 508 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 2: You know, think, what do. 509 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: You think it was that brought us back together? Even 510 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,080 Speaker 1: what was it that brought us back together before we 511 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: had that last pregnancy. What made you come want to 512 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 1: come back? I guess or decide that you had dealt 513 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: with what you needed to deal with enough in order 514 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: to come back, given that you knew that leaving the 515 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:17,280 Speaker 1: way you did, probably you shouldn't do that again the 516 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,200 Speaker 1: way you did. You know what I mean, like, had 517 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,680 Speaker 1: you did you learn something about yourself or did you 518 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 1: do work on yourself or did you. 519 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 2: I mean I think that that, I think, i've I've 520 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:29,360 Speaker 2: I think we both came back together with a sense 521 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 2: of what the work we need to do to get 522 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 2: to where we want to be. We both, I mean, 523 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:40,160 Speaker 2: we communicated what we need to have in this relationship 524 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,920 Speaker 2: to move forward, and you said I'll do that, and 525 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:49,760 Speaker 2: I said I'll do that, and so far, you know, 526 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 2: we've kind of kept to it all the while opening 527 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 2: communication up and not falling into those habits I mean 528 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 2: for me, I mean, I don't like confrontation, and if 529 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,200 Speaker 2: it's a fan, I just bail. 530 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's important to like, that's a problem. 531 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,760 Speaker 1: Look at your upbringing and yeah. 532 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,840 Speaker 2: I mean I grew up in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and 533 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 2: I didn't want to be around there anymore, so I left. 534 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,360 Speaker 1: But you also had as a child of kind of 535 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: an unpredictable energy in your home, and when things would 536 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,920 Speaker 1: get unpredictable, it would be scary and you would hide 537 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: or leave. 538 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:33,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd go to the beach. 539 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:39,880 Speaker 1: So that was I think a lot of the work 540 00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:42,400 Speaker 1: that you had to start with on the ground level 541 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,640 Speaker 1: is looking where that fight or flight for you. 542 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,320 Speaker 2: Also like it it's so weird. I don't you know, 543 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:50,040 Speaker 2: I don't know who else deals with us, But it's 544 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,720 Speaker 2: the feeling you get when you're in a situation and 545 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 2: to communicate it, like you know, it's so much easier 546 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 2: just to be like, okay, I'm going to leak. And 547 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,840 Speaker 2: then when you leave a person like I have that 548 00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,760 Speaker 2: problem I struggle with, it's just this weight comes off, 549 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,800 Speaker 2: you know, and it's like it's almost like you feel free, Yeah, 550 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,400 Speaker 2: instead of actually having the conversation and doing the work 551 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:20,239 Speaker 2: and respecting, you know, the person you're in that relationship with, 552 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:26,440 Speaker 2: giving them that respect to communicate that. I've had to 553 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:27,680 Speaker 2: work on that a lot. 554 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:30,719 Speaker 1: I mean, because we were that was it. 555 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,160 Speaker 2: But that's one of your triggers too, which is abandonment, 556 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:34,759 Speaker 2: and I feed right into that. 557 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,760 Speaker 1: It was like a perfect storm. 558 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:41,440 Speaker 2: Do you remember, like, how how did you feel the 559 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:46,680 Speaker 2: last time? How did you feel in December when when 560 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,360 Speaker 2: we got back together, and like what were your thoughts? 561 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:53,839 Speaker 1: I remember telling this is after the three pregnancies didn't work. 562 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:59,080 Speaker 1: After you left, after we were broken up, completely ready 563 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,879 Speaker 1: to sign the paper first divorce papers, we started hanging 564 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,120 Speaker 1: out a little bit. Then we got pregnant, and I 565 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:09,440 Speaker 1: remember I had taken myself to the beach by myself 566 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:14,520 Speaker 1: in an RV, and I I was still grappling with 567 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:18,440 Speaker 1: things and really trying to because the coming back together 568 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,600 Speaker 1: process where we started hanging out again was extremely difficult. 569 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:23,280 Speaker 2: Totally. 570 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,279 Speaker 1: It was like wading through shit, you know, because we 571 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: were we still weren't really equipped well. 572 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 2: Because you I was being a little bit more patient, 573 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:38,880 Speaker 2: Like I was like, I'm kinda I have this apartment 574 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:45,320 Speaker 2: I'd like to like, I was making it like, well, 575 00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,279 Speaker 2: we didn't we did. We did this, this and this 576 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,400 Speaker 2: wrong in the first like the first go round. Let's 577 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:54,600 Speaker 2: not do that a second go around. 578 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:56,839 Speaker 1: Oh so you were trying to not rush back into things. 579 00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 2: Yeah. 580 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,160 Speaker 1: Do you think that that was because you didn't think 581 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,320 Speaker 1: you were ready yet again? 582 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:06,879 Speaker 2: Yeah? I think I loved you. I knew, I mean, 583 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:11,640 Speaker 2: I was you were my wife still technically, I just 584 00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:18,680 Speaker 2: I yeah, I wanted to wanted to go slow. There's 585 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:21,480 Speaker 2: a lot like you were like bullshyet there's a. 586 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,480 Speaker 1: Lot there that's I feel like we still need to 587 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:28,239 Speaker 1: communicate through because I'm just feeling this tinge of like 588 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,440 Speaker 1: heat coming up the back of my neck. But I've 589 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:36,200 Speaker 1: learned to handle that in a different way now, not react, yeah, 590 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 1: and attempt to communicate my way through it, which we 591 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:45,400 Speaker 1: can do great at a later time. But yeah, that 592 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,840 Speaker 1: the coming back together part was very difficult for me. 593 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:54,239 Speaker 1: I'll speak for myself. And I continued to feel like 594 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,080 Speaker 1: you didn't really want it by you going slow and 595 00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:01,759 Speaker 1: doing it the way you wanted to do it, did 596 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:04,080 Speaker 1: it didn't make me feel good. And I remember just 597 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:05,959 Speaker 1: really struggling with that. So I went to the beach 598 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,680 Speaker 1: that day with the dogs and I wasn't feeling well. 599 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,000 Speaker 1: I was feeling nauseous. I went to the drove the 600 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: RV into Santa Barbara, got a pregnancy test, took it 601 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,680 Speaker 1: in the r V. Yeah that's right, and saw that 602 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,160 Speaker 1: I was pregnant again, and I was like, oh my, oh. 603 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. I totally forgot about that. You you 604 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:26,520 Speaker 2: were in an. 605 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:31,279 Speaker 1: RV and I called you. Do you remember what you 606 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:32,960 Speaker 1: thought when I told you? That? 607 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:44,600 Speaker 2: Man? No, I mean shocked, just like really shocked. 608 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:49,319 Speaker 1: I think I felt like doom. I felt like, oh, 609 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:53,840 Speaker 1: this is here we go. This is not good. Like 610 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:56,440 Speaker 1: I didn't have that joyous ya the first time we 611 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,680 Speaker 1: had you know, I felt like, I don't think we're 612 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:02,799 Speaker 1: really even ready to deal with this again. And then 613 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:05,120 Speaker 1: nature made it so that we didn't have to deal 614 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,200 Speaker 1: with it again. Yeah, so we kind of at that 615 00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:13,360 Speaker 1: point got the message. I think that we weren't necessarily 616 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:18,319 Speaker 1: meant to have kids naturally. Did we ever after all 617 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:20,040 Speaker 1: of that drama. I don't think we ever had the 618 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,680 Speaker 1: conversation of like, let's adopt or let's do as surrogate. 619 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:23,920 Speaker 2: No. 620 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: I remember asking you, did you want to explore having 621 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:29,840 Speaker 1: a surrogate, having someone else carry the baby? 622 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:30,279 Speaker 2: No? 623 00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:33,000 Speaker 1: And you were absolute about not wanting that. 624 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,400 Speaker 2: No, because I don't know if this is wrong. I 625 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:43,040 Speaker 2: like everything now, you know what I mean. I don't 626 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,320 Speaker 2: need that. I have everything I need. 627 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:49,720 Speaker 1: And I was really just trying to do it for you, Yeah, 628 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,880 Speaker 1: because I already had my kids and I was like 629 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,040 Speaker 1: already I remember thinking like, oh my god, going back 630 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:59,200 Speaker 1: to sleepless nights and diapers and my boobs hurting, and yeah, but. 631 00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:04,080 Speaker 2: I wish, I wish, I wish you wouldn't like the pressure. 632 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:06,759 Speaker 2: I didn't. I felt like I wasn't pressuring you in 633 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 2: that you were No, you weren't pressure, and you had 634 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,440 Speaker 2: some you wanted it. 635 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:17,400 Speaker 1: I wanted it for you, and even when you were like, no, 636 00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:19,439 Speaker 1: I don't, I'm okay with it. 637 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:19,960 Speaker 2: I didn't. 638 00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,719 Speaker 1: I told you I believed you, but I guess deep 639 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:23,680 Speaker 1: down inside I didn't. 640 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:26,560 Speaker 2: I don't think you did. 641 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:40,439 Speaker 1: Who WHOA. This is a lot. The girls are all 642 00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:41,680 Speaker 1: young women now. 643 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:42,680 Speaker 2: Hmm. 644 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:47,720 Speaker 1: How do you feel with certainty today about not being 645 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:53,439 Speaker 1: a biological father? Wonderful you didn't hesitate at all. 646 00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,880 Speaker 2: I feel great. I feel fantastic. 647 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,839 Speaker 1: You're killing me. I feel great that you're a great 648 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,640 Speaker 1: with it because I finally am like, you know what, 649 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,040 Speaker 1: I'm real good with it too. 650 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:16,360 Speaker 2: No, I mean I'm I enjoy love. I love the girls, 651 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:23,359 Speaker 2: I love spending time with them. Secretly, I'm like, I 652 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,719 Speaker 2: want them to wait, but I secretly like, deep down, 653 00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,600 Speaker 2: I'm very excited about the grandkids one day, one day, 654 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,600 Speaker 2: and that could be twenty thirty years from now, forty 655 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:36,879 Speaker 2: years from now. But there is a part of me that, yeah, 656 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:41,960 Speaker 2: I'm excited about that because I love you. I want 657 00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:46,360 Speaker 2: us to kind of go shut that door. You know, 658 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,719 Speaker 2: the past is the past, and I'm grateful for it. 659 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:53,799 Speaker 2: There's so much gratitude for what we went through, even 660 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:57,040 Speaker 2: though it sounds crazy, and even though I hadn't really 661 00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,680 Speaker 2: like we still really haven't discussed it. 662 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:02,439 Speaker 1: I guess we are now. 663 00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:06,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean we have, but I'm just so grateful 664 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:10,200 Speaker 2: for what we have and what the path in which 665 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:13,960 Speaker 2: the girls are going, and you know, their next chapter 666 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:16,200 Speaker 2: is in life, and to be a part of that 667 00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:21,960 Speaker 2: is very special and quite selfishly, I it's nice to 668 00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 2: play golf and not have an eight year old. 669 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:29,560 Speaker 1: Oh sorry, you guys just heard the actual truth. That 670 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:30,960 Speaker 1: is the bottom line for you. 671 00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:36,120 Speaker 2: No, that's a joke. That's just a joke. But no, 672 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,680 Speaker 2: I'm very grateful for how the story played out and 673 00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:48,000 Speaker 2: people who are looking to do IVF and are going 674 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:54,279 Speaker 2: through IVF. I mean, my heart goes out too all 675 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:57,439 Speaker 2: of you. I think it's it's it's a wonderful thing, 676 00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:03,120 Speaker 2: but it's also you know, communicate with your partner is huge. 677 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:05,920 Speaker 2: Communication is huge. 678 00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:10,400 Speaker 1: I think communicating more specifically about your feelings through the 679 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:12,640 Speaker 1: process with one another. 680 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:14,799 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I mean, what if I would have came 681 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,560 Speaker 2: to you? And like, man, I'm just so. 682 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:21,040 Speaker 1: Sad, then we would have been sad together. 683 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:25,239 Speaker 2: Yeah, but I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't 684 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,759 Speaker 2: know if I was supposed to be that sad you know. Yeah, 685 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:32,520 Speaker 2: but my heart goes out to people who are doing it, 686 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:37,279 Speaker 2: and especially the success stories are amazing, and there's a 687 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,879 Speaker 2: lot of other stories that you know, people don't get 688 00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:42,720 Speaker 2: a chance to tell. 689 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:46,200 Speaker 1: Let me ask you this when you hear Even still 690 00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:51,440 Speaker 1: to this day, we know people who are having babies 691 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:56,719 Speaker 1: from IVF, from the assistance of IVF, currently very very 692 00:42:56,719 --> 00:43:00,839 Speaker 1: close friends of yours. How does how does that make 693 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:04,160 Speaker 1: you feel? Because I've watched as we went through this 694 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:08,040 Speaker 1: whole process. I've watched as every one of your friends 695 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:14,360 Speaker 1: pretty much has started their families in your You haven't 696 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,920 Speaker 1: You never got to do those things that they are doing. Yeah, 697 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:21,839 Speaker 1: and I know that along the way that has been 698 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:25,040 Speaker 1: hard for you, Even though you didn't really tell me 699 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:28,839 Speaker 1: about it, I could tell. But how is it now 700 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:35,440 Speaker 1: and where you are today hearing that your close friends 701 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,000 Speaker 1: are expecting a. 702 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:41,880 Speaker 2: Maybe I'm I'm I have like I'm a little anxious 703 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,839 Speaker 2: for them because I wanted to be like joyous and 704 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,320 Speaker 2: I wanted to succeed. So I guess I guess anxious. 705 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:54,120 Speaker 2: I'm nervous, and I hope everything works out, and I'm 706 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:58,640 Speaker 2: sure it will, and I'm very excited for them. 707 00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:02,200 Speaker 1: There's no part of you that's sad or. 708 00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:04,359 Speaker 2: Like like. 709 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:10,160 Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, because you want to go golfing. 710 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:15,040 Speaker 2: No, not just that. I mean I I got Fiona. 711 00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:19,319 Speaker 2: I did elementary school, Like I went from having an 712 00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 2: apartment to walking in a fifth grader to school every day. 713 00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,959 Speaker 2: And then was Lola was in like what six grade? 714 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:28,040 Speaker 1: No? 715 00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:32,880 Speaker 2: What was now? Lola was six? What was Fiona like third? Fourth? 716 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:35,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, you really got to raise. 717 00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:40,000 Speaker 2: I went to we went to how many weekends do 718 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:44,680 Speaker 2: we do? Soccer? Soccer? Soccer? Soccers? A lot of weekends. So, 719 00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:49,120 Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, were fully, I've already done all that. 720 00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:51,359 Speaker 2: I haven't changed diapers, that's it. 721 00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:54,200 Speaker 1: You know, well you will get to with our grim babies. 722 00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:56,680 Speaker 1: I think that's one of the reasons we're both so excited, 723 00:44:56,719 --> 00:45:00,239 Speaker 1: and we might actually just like steal the baby ah 724 00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:04,200 Speaker 1: for you know, the weekends for sure, and then give 725 00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:04,520 Speaker 1: it back. 726 00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:10,840 Speaker 2: I'm very excited. I'm very excited about that. And yeah, 727 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:14,960 Speaker 2: I'm I'm I'm happy for the journey that we went on, 728 00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,600 Speaker 2: even though it was God, it sucked. 729 00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:25,960 Speaker 1: But I think talking about it bringing it to light, 730 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,680 Speaker 1: certainly talking about it with one another, but sharing our 731 00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:34,960 Speaker 1: story with other people is the key to moving through it. 732 00:45:35,760 --> 00:45:38,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I didn't. I went into this talk 733 00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:45,560 Speaker 2: today now probably like unprepared. But it is emotional topic. 734 00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:49,480 Speaker 2: It's and especially it's it's at the four I mean, 735 00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,080 Speaker 2: it's in the election right now, and it's huge. It's 736 00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:55,640 Speaker 2: a big deal because there this is a really good 737 00:45:55,680 --> 00:46:00,239 Speaker 2: way for people to fulfill their dream to have a family. 738 00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:08,280 Speaker 1: And to have that option that right be someone else's 739 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:13,799 Speaker 1: decision is real, real difficult for for me and for 740 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:18,439 Speaker 1: a lot of people to understand. Right, do you feel 741 00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:19,400 Speaker 1: good about sharing? 742 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,120 Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, I feel good. Yeah. How do you feel? 743 00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:25,680 Speaker 1: I feel good? 744 00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:28,879 Speaker 2: Did we jar your memory a little bit? Yeah? 745 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,120 Speaker 1: You jarred my memory. Also brought up some things I 746 00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:32,720 Speaker 1: didn't want to really remember. 747 00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:36,200 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean I had some stuff pop up too. 748 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,399 Speaker 2: While we were talking. I was like, what is that? 749 00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:41,560 Speaker 1: Wait, what are you remembering the time I threw your 750 00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:42,240 Speaker 1: golf clubs? 751 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:44,719 Speaker 2: No, well, no, I didn't say that. That was in 752 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,440 Speaker 2: the beginning of the podcast, when I was like, well, 753 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,840 Speaker 2: when we were talking about hormones, I was like, well, 754 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,160 Speaker 2: you did write that into one of your shows where 755 00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:57,040 Speaker 2: you threw my golf clubs in the pool. So and 756 00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:58,880 Speaker 2: then when I asked you why did you do that? 757 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:03,279 Speaker 2: You said, I want to go after something you love. 758 00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:11,000 Speaker 2: And I was like, well that, yeah, okay, you did 759 00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:11,600 Speaker 2: a good job. 760 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:15,239 Speaker 1: Now, whenever we have a fight and you go for 761 00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:16,160 Speaker 1: a drive, you. 762 00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:19,479 Speaker 2: Take your golf No, no, that was no, you store 763 00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:21,360 Speaker 2: your golf all the time. I ran out of the 764 00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:23,760 Speaker 2: house and I ran out and with my golf clubs 765 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:25,440 Speaker 2: and threw them in the back of the truck. 766 00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:27,280 Speaker 1: Just in case. 767 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,359 Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, oh, if I leave these here, 768 00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:30,520 Speaker 2: they're going to be snapped. 769 00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:34,080 Speaker 1: So good times. 770 00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:36,400 Speaker 2: That's good stuff to laugh and laugh about. 771 00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:38,359 Speaker 1: That good we can laugh about it, you know. 772 00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:41,000 Speaker 2: I mean you did you did like a one you 773 00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:44,640 Speaker 2: did a twirl. I'm on camera, but you did a 774 00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:47,919 Speaker 2: twirl with my cell phone and then it came out 775 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:50,560 Speaker 2: and flew at my head and hit the back of 776 00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:53,080 Speaker 2: the wall. And I got up like this and you 777 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:59,520 Speaker 2: were staring at me, and I was like, okay, hormones, hormones. 778 00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:02,280 Speaker 2: Everyone's had hormone stories. 779 00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:05,759 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that would be a fun episode. Let's just 780 00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:11,000 Speaker 1: get all be really honest about our worst moments. Okay, Okay, 781 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,279 Speaker 1: So I feel like we've talked about this a little 782 00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:15,480 Speaker 1: bit too much. I feel like we're gonna go. I 783 00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:17,960 Speaker 1: know I'm gonna go. I need to decompress a little. 784 00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:19,839 Speaker 1: I need to process some of the stuff that's coming 785 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:20,279 Speaker 1: up for me. 786 00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:24,920 Speaker 2: Well, listen, honey, I wouldn't have changed anything about our story, 787 00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:29,360 Speaker 2: and I'm grateful we went through it together. I'm sorry 788 00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:32,480 Speaker 2: we had to go through it. I love you. 789 00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:35,080 Speaker 1: No, that means a lot to me. Thank you. I 790 00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:39,280 Speaker 1: obviously love you too before I let you go, Babe, 791 00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:42,960 Speaker 1: what was your last I choose me moment? 792 00:48:43,239 --> 00:48:48,239 Speaker 2: Oh? Man? She you always asked me this question, like 793 00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:53,399 Speaker 2: you'll ask it like, when was the last I choose moment? Well, 794 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:59,719 Speaker 2: that's easy. Sunday morning football all day. No one was here, 795 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:04,600 Speaker 2: you were out of town, and I literally I watched 796 00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:07,640 Speaker 2: football all day with me and the dogs. I chose 797 00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:12,160 Speaker 2: me that day, and I chose fantasy football players. 798 00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:18,480 Speaker 1: Okay, well, very habit people football can be and I 799 00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:19,600 Speaker 1: choose me mom. 800 00:49:19,600 --> 00:49:21,320 Speaker 2: Well, thank you for having me on the podcast. 801 00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:28,080 Speaker 1: You're welcome, love you, love you. I want to thank 802 00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,879 Speaker 1: my husband Day for coming back on the pod and 803 00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:35,600 Speaker 1: for having that uncomfortable conversation with me. That time in 804 00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:39,120 Speaker 1: our relationship was definitely not easy, but I wanted to 805 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:41,360 Speaker 1: share it because I know that a lot of people 806 00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:44,960 Speaker 1: go through similar struggles when it comes to fertility and 807 00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,840 Speaker 1: starting a family. Or maybe you don't have a partner, 808 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:49,959 Speaker 1: but you're thinking of starting a family on your own 809 00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:51,440 Speaker 1: and you want us to know a little bit more 810 00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:55,120 Speaker 1: about IBF. We felt like it was important for us 811 00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:58,839 Speaker 1: to share our story with you because even though it 812 00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:03,080 Speaker 1: was difficult, we made it through, and all of that 813 00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:09,040 Speaker 1: pain created room for significant growth, both individually and in 814 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:12,880 Speaker 1: our relationship as we continue to choose ourselves each week. 815 00:50:13,080 --> 00:50:15,879 Speaker 1: I want to ask you a question. Have you been 816 00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:19,520 Speaker 1: avoiding having a conversation with someone in your life because 817 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,880 Speaker 1: you know it will be difficult. I know Dave and 818 00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,200 Speaker 1: I talked about this, how when we were going through 819 00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:29,200 Speaker 1: some of our darkest times, we weren't talking to each 820 00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:33,160 Speaker 1: other about our feelings. We weren't communicating, and it almost 821 00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:37,359 Speaker 1: broke us. Are you and your partner communicating about not 822 00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:40,960 Speaker 1: just the good times, but also the difficult times? Or 823 00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,360 Speaker 1: maybe you've been putting off having a tense conversation with 824 00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:46,719 Speaker 1: a family member. Look I am here to tell you 825 00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:50,400 Speaker 1: living in your head with your thoughts is not the 826 00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:53,360 Speaker 1: way to do it. And I know because I'm a 827 00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:56,799 Speaker 1: master at living in my head with my thoughts. So 828 00:50:56,960 --> 00:51:00,160 Speaker 1: even if you can't talk with that person this week, 829 00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:04,400 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to have a conversation with someone. 830 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,920 Speaker 1: Talking about whatever you might be going through is going 831 00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:13,200 Speaker 1: to feel a lot better than keeping it inside. Thank 832 00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:16,759 Speaker 1: you for listening to I Choose Me. Please check out 833 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:20,320 Speaker 1: our socials, follow the show, rate US, review us, drop 834 00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:23,640 Speaker 1: me a message a comment, use the hashtag I Choose Me. 835 00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:26,439 Speaker 1: Whenever you feel like it. I'll be right here next week. 836 00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:28,800 Speaker 1: I hope you choose to be here too,