Speaker 1: Hi, this is Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This
Speaker 1: is a podcast where I am giving out solicited advice
Speaker 1: and sometimes unsolicited and sometimes unsolicited. We all know that
Speaker 1: I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited
Speaker 1: advice seems to be my specialty. Um, but I actually
Speaker 1: do really enjoy giving advice to people, and I am
Speaker 1: very delighted also to bring to the for my assistant, Brandon,
Speaker 1: because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he
Speaker 1: lightens up everyone who's in my life their life as well.
Speaker 1: He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want
Speaker 1: to face time with Brandon. My family misses Brandon, like
Speaker 1: everybody loves Brandon, and he needs to be shared with
Speaker 1: the world. So I was, yeah, I know, I know,
Speaker 1: that's probably the first time you're hearing me say any
Speaker 1: of that. You must be blushed, but you're not. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at you and you're actually not blushing, So that's weird.
Speaker 1: But anyway, we have given not only advice to each
Speaker 1: other on several occasions. You've helped me when I was
Speaker 1: going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with
Speaker 1: not being a fucking contall the home. Yes, I'm on
Speaker 1: a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time
Speaker 1: where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that i have
Speaker 1: to be nice, compassion and empathetic, and then there's another
Speaker 1: period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Yes,
Speaker 1: there's a peak in a valley. Anyway, You've always been
Speaker 1: very good at helping me when I've been struggling with
Speaker 1: you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters,
Speaker 1: things like that, and also we've given advice together with
Speaker 1: lots of friends. You know, a lot of my friends
Speaker 1: come to me when they're in crisis, and I, for
Speaker 1: some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix
Speaker 1: a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I
Speaker 1: no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good
Speaker 1: in a crisis and sometimes when I have overflowed with patients.
Speaker 1: You have taken on some of my friends who need
Speaker 1: help and support that You've contracted me and on a
Speaker 1: few of your project and you've been doing well. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have an active case in Canada right now, So
Speaker 1: how's that going. I'm gonna have to report back because
Speaker 1: I've not had a status update in a little while,
Speaker 1: which is concerning, so I'm going to check in today. Actually,
Speaker 1: this is a good girlfriend of mine who was having
Speaker 1: trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to
Speaker 1: talk to her because Brandon was also I was a
Speaker 1: troubled youth. Yeah. I was a troubled youth too. I
Speaker 1: was pregnant twice by the time I was fifteen, so
Speaker 1: I was no walk in the park for my parents,
Speaker 1: Which is why I think the perspective that we're able
Speaker 1: to give on some of these is interesting because we're
Speaker 1: not actually living some of these cases, whether it be
Speaker 1: with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships, so
Speaker 1: we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 1: I agree with the fact that because neither of us
Speaker 1: have children, we can give objective feedback about how your
Speaker 1: children are behaving and your relationship with them because all
Speaker 1: we do is see people with children. I've seen so
Speaker 1: many different kinds of parenting in my life, so I
Speaker 1: do feel like I have an idea about giving advice
Speaker 1: on the subject matter which will come in handy. So
Speaker 1: we're going to do all sorts of different types of
Speaker 1: Mother's Day, right ins Okay, So some that need a
Speaker 1: perspective on being a mother. Some that have issues with
Speaker 1: their mother, and you're wearing a necklace on this on
Speaker 1: this recording day. Is that for any reason in particular? No,
Speaker 1: that just is how I was feeling this morning when
Speaker 1: I woke up. But it has no regard to how
Speaker 1: I feel about Mother's Day, which is I would say
Speaker 1: my mom is, my mom is dead. Your mom is
Speaker 1: a hot mess. She is. I always say that she
Speaker 1: when we frame it that way. I like to say
Speaker 1: that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and
Speaker 1: Anna Nicole Smith, because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic,
Speaker 1: but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a
Speaker 1: drinking problem. Yeah she's got Yeah, she's just got problems.
Speaker 1: She's got. She's got a variety of them, and they
Speaker 1: don't coincide well together, right, they don't live well together.
Speaker 1: My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite
Speaker 1: of me. Not. She was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet,
Speaker 1: but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone, and she
Speaker 1: was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was
Speaker 1: like a total homebody mama, bear like snuggly, like you
Speaker 1: wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would
Speaker 1: give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about
Speaker 1: a decade ago. Don't say passed like that. I always
Speaker 1: find that so, well, did she passed away? Not passed.
Speaker 1: That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. She
Speaker 1: did because I talked to my mother every morning and meditation.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I I summoned my mother and I
Speaker 1: pretend like that she's with me. I actually I have
Speaker 1: to say with meditation and therapy and all that stuff.
Speaker 1: Now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to
Speaker 1: her than I did when she was alive. But was
Speaker 1: that immediate or as time has gone on now most
Speaker 1: recently like after you know, learning all the stuff I
Speaker 1: learned about, like energy and that no one's ever really gone.
Speaker 1: They just transformed into something else, like a leaf, like
Speaker 1: a leaf for it. Yea. But yeah, so Mother's Day,
Speaker 1: the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you
Speaker 1: did out of respect to mother's right, and that's a
Speaker 1: necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different
Speaker 1: types of mothers in our lives. Is something else that
Speaker 1: I've come to realize as you get older, some people
Speaker 1: play a motherly role even though they're not your mother
Speaker 1: or can give you that sort of insight or perspective
Speaker 1: or nurturing that you need. And so you just have
Speaker 1: to appreciate all the women in your life for the
Speaker 1: mother that they do. Yeah. Yeah, And there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people that remind me of my own mom, you
Speaker 1: know that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life,
Speaker 1: but they have that same energy. You know, what was
Speaker 1: your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just
Speaker 1: just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like
Speaker 1: roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her,
Speaker 1: and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And
Speaker 1: she was all about food. So that's why I have like,
Speaker 1: you know, she would make macaroni and cheese, like the
Speaker 1: really good cheesy kind at like three when we would
Speaker 1: get home from school. At that point, I was youngest,
Speaker 1: so I was only yeah, well basically yeah, something of
Speaker 1: that magnitude of cheese, and it would be home at
Speaker 1: three o'clock in the afternoon, like and I assume that
Speaker 1: was a snack, you know, So I would eat that
Speaker 1: every day and then like I wonder why I have sucking,
Speaker 1: you know, issues with food is because my mother was
Speaker 1: feeding me like I was like, we just came out
Speaker 1: of a war. Was that her love language? Yes? Yeah,
Speaker 1: whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was yes, I
Speaker 1: mean love language. I can only assume what that means. Well,
Speaker 1: you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother.
Speaker 1: You describe your dogs that you want a dog who
Speaker 1: wants to cuddle you all the time and just as
Speaker 1: a little ball that you can curl up into. It
Speaker 1: wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was burnt,
Speaker 1: like I wouldn't be any super now. She'd be Bernice,
Speaker 1: because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My
Speaker 1: mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where
Speaker 1: she would come back as a dog just to ignore
Speaker 1: Your mom must be spirit hopping, because at one point
Speaker 1: it was chunks spirit. She's just like going from dog
Speaker 1: to dog, just this one goes. She's like, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna pop on into this one. Yeah. Yeah, but that's
Speaker 1: something my mother would do, would come back as a
Speaker 1: dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once
Speaker 1: I moved to l A, I was really young. I
Speaker 1: was like nineteen or twenty and I moved to l A.
Speaker 1: And if I didn't call her like every other day
Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Every third day she would call
Speaker 1: me until I called her back. And this was before
Speaker 1: cell phones, like we're everywhere, you know you had one,
Speaker 1: But like, I would never answer myself from him, So
Speaker 1: she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started
Speaker 1: bringing at four am. I ignored it five am and
Speaker 1: then I answered it and she was like, this is
Speaker 1: what happens when you don't call your mother, and then
Speaker 1: hung up on me. So she woke me up at
Speaker 1: like those times. So that was her sense of humor,
Speaker 1: Like yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bit,
Speaker 1: but I'm not too much of a bit. But she
Speaker 1: was sharp. Everyone in her family seems to have that gene.
Speaker 1: They were they're quick. Oh yeah, well that's nice. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you
Speaker 1: say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick,
Speaker 1: isn't you know the word? Everyone's just a little bit
Speaker 1: like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom?
Speaker 1: It would involve food, probably Martha's vineyard, being on the
Speaker 1: beach with her, because she would never come to the beach.
Speaker 1: My mom like never did any of the things that
Speaker 1: a mother did. She never went to my school conferences
Speaker 1: on my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick
Speaker 1: me up from school. She said. I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: it's my birthday. I want you to take me to
Speaker 1: Launch school literally was down the street. I wrote the
Speaker 1: letter for her. She signed it. That's how I operated
Speaker 1: on my whole childhood until I started just forging both
Speaker 1: of their signatures because I was like, these two are
Speaker 1: fucking deadweight, like my parents were deadweight. So I wrote this.
Speaker 1: I'm like, please excuse Chelsea, it's her birthday. I'm taking
Speaker 1: her a lunch. No one shows, my mother never shows,
Speaker 1: and I walk home. I'm fuming, so I have to
Speaker 1: go back to class. I have not gotten out to
Speaker 1: Launch on my birthday. I'm so pissed. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: nine years old, so it's everything. I walk home, I
Speaker 1: storm it, and I just remember fucking going off on
Speaker 1: my mother, like how could you leave me on my birthday?
Speaker 1: How could you fucking do that? Do you understand all
Speaker 1: I ask of you is to do one thing, and
Speaker 1: that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I
Speaker 1: was picking you up. I picked you up, and she
Speaker 1: picked me up, But she never came into the school
Speaker 1: to sign me out, Like she just sat at this
Speaker 1: parking lot that I come out to at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, you know, on the days she did
Speaker 1: decide to pick me up, and she didn't even understand
Speaker 1: that you had to go in and sign your child out,
Speaker 1: like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. And no, no,
Speaker 1: she couldn't. And she was tired all the time, so
Speaker 1: she must have been depressed. Now, in retrospect, all signs
Speaker 1: leading I mean, being married and my father could not
Speaker 1: have been uplifting. You have two sisters, Which of you
Speaker 1: three has more of your mom? Nice sister Shoshana for sure.
Speaker 1: But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your
Speaker 1: mother so you can bring people up to speed on
Speaker 1: the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother
Speaker 1: has been divorced like six times. Okay, why don't you
Speaker 1: start with that. By the way, mom, if you're listening,
Speaker 1: nice to meet you know, i've met her before over
Speaker 1: the phone. I think I don't know anyway. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: she's just in that regard. Yeah, she's been married times.
Speaker 1: And the one thing I try and keep a positive
Speaker 1: outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in
Speaker 1: that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped
Speaker 1: looking for love, and I think that most people become
Speaker 1: jaded by that if they don't find it the first
Speaker 1: second or third time. But no, no, no, not her.
Speaker 1: She's not going to stop. That's an optimistic way of
Speaker 1: looking at it. So, yeah, she's just a woman with
Speaker 1: some issues. How was she growing up? How what kind
Speaker 1: of mother was she when you were growing up? Again,
Speaker 1: it was super high or super low. She was like,
Speaker 1: you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together,
Speaker 1: and she's so pretty and she could do she was
Speaker 1: like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you showed me a picture of her. She was the
Speaker 1: woman at Lancomb who went around the US and like
Speaker 1: this is when department store makeup artists were like if
Speaker 1: you were one of those, you had your face on
Speaker 1: posters that you were coming in. And she was a
Speaker 1: projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her
Speaker 1: open Bay caree. Like she's done everything. So I always
Speaker 1: thought of her as like a real life Barbie. There's
Speaker 1: nothing she couldn't do. And she's a single mom with
Speaker 1: four kids, and you know, that cause issues of its own,
Speaker 1: but she always worked like three jobs to take care
Speaker 1: of us. So so I have a tender spot for
Speaker 1: any woman who I see going through something is I
Speaker 1: know that all of those people are just one bad
Speaker 1: decision away from being homeless, basically, so I try and
Speaker 1: be as empathetic as possible, even to my you know, mother,
Speaker 1: who I have no contact with, because she's just well,
Speaker 1: that's not true. You you don't have no contact with her.
Speaker 1: You did call the police on her in her local
Speaker 1: city to let them know that she was drinking and
Speaker 1: driving and gave them her license plate number. So I
Speaker 1: would say that that's a not direct contract, but that's
Speaker 1: that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I
Speaker 1: think that's fucking awesome. So we have to sometimes we
Speaker 1: end up parenting our parents, and that's okay, Yeah, we
Speaker 1: have to hold people accountable, right, I think that's true.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people parent their parents. I
Speaker 1: didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to
Speaker 1: parent my parents. But I definitely see you parenting your mom,
Speaker 1: and I mean us, because it's not me. I find
Speaker 1: it hilarious, Like, I find it hilarious. Your mother has
Speaker 1: to be like that you freeze her out and that
Speaker 1: you don't talk to her when she misbehaves, and that
Speaker 1: you're not willing to funk around. I think it's really funny. No,
Speaker 1: I don't work around. I can't. I mean at this juncture,
Speaker 1: I'm thirty two years old, Like, I'm not gonna put
Speaker 1: up with that sort of behavior. And this is one
Speaker 1: of those situations in life that as you get older,
Speaker 1: if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people
Speaker 1: who are going to listen to this have that dynamic
Speaker 1: with their parents, those are relationships you want, Those are
Speaker 1: not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction,
Speaker 1: things become much easier. Yeah, I mean you say that
Speaker 1: a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus
Speaker 1: relationships you need, like a parent child relationship. But a
Speaker 1: lot of people think that you need that. They don't
Speaker 1: understand that you can divorce your parents or your son,
Speaker 1: and they don't have an ability to do it. Well,
Speaker 1: everyone has the ability to do it, because I've done.
Speaker 1: I was so codependent for so long, mean, we were
Speaker 1: in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like,
Speaker 1: what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great,
Speaker 1: And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment.
Speaker 1: And when you do, you feel so much more powerful
Speaker 1: in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, well you're not behold in,
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. I think we should take a quick
Speaker 1: break and then we'll come back and you want to
Speaker 1: start taking some callers, Yes, I would love to. We'll
Speaker 1: be right back. So our first mission comes from Billy,
Speaker 1: who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get.
Speaker 1: You get very excited when you talk about submissions. I
Speaker 1: like that you take it seriously. You better hang on.
Speaker 1: You've got quite a few today. Okay, Well I think better. Okay.
Speaker 1: So his name is Billy, he's thirty three, and he's
Speaker 1: from Minneapolis, and he writes, Dear Chelsea. I was raised
Speaker 1: an only and adopted child by my parents who are
Speaker 1: not able to conceive. My whole life has been based
Speaker 1: on my ability to be the perfect offspring. At thirty
Speaker 1: three years old, I still carry some of that baggage
Speaker 1: and feel like a failure. Being adopted as a blessing
Speaker 1: and occurs you feel wanted, but you need to deliver.
Speaker 1: My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality,
Speaker 1: but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when
Speaker 1: you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth
Speaker 1: mother when I was eighteen. I soon found out that
Speaker 1: she married my birth father and had three more children
Speaker 1: after putting me up for adoption. How do you move
Speaker 1: forward from an event like that and successfully seek and
Speaker 1: identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing
Speaker 1: issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide
Speaker 1: some insight on how you have built yours. In the
Speaker 1: past few years, there have been multiple debts within the family,
Speaker 1: including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my
Speaker 1: adoptive mother. I want to move forward with my life
Speaker 1: in a different part of the country, but I know
Speaker 1: it will kill her. She's the only family I have left,
Speaker 1: and I need to develop myself somewhere else. Any thoughts
Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Billy, Oh, my god, that is just
Speaker 1: so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there,
Speaker 1: but he's on the phone, so I think that we
Speaker 1: should get a little additional insight. Billy, h were you hi?
Speaker 1: Thank you for your letter. I mean that is a
Speaker 1: lot to handle. Yes, yes, it is, but that's life right. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: because there's a lot to say here, Like you know, instinctively,
Speaker 1: I would always tell everybody to just like reach for
Speaker 1: their dreams and and go for it and take a
Speaker 1: huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But
Speaker 1: then you say, your adoptive mother is a widow and
Speaker 1: she's there alone and you're all she has, so there's
Speaker 1: a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there
Speaker 1: any chance of your adoptive mother. We're going to get
Speaker 1: to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but
Speaker 1: is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be
Speaker 1: willing to relocate with you, not like live together, but
Speaker 1: relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so,
Speaker 1: because her roots are pretty deep in that area, just
Speaker 1: because that's where she lived with my dad for so long.
Speaker 1: But I think overall, just because she and I have
Speaker 1: had a very tight knit relationship for a long time,
Speaker 1: and I think honestly moving away would be the best
Speaker 1: for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like
Speaker 1: you already have the answer to that question, s jan
Speaker 1: If you know that intellectually, then all you have to
Speaker 1: do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it
Speaker 1: seems like, you know, you don't have to go where
Speaker 1: Where does she live? She lives about an hour and
Speaker 1: twenty minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even
Speaker 1: farther all the way up to the main main Uh huh, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I think you deserve to do whatever you want to
Speaker 1: do with your life, you know, if you really want
Speaker 1: to take a leap of faith and try something new.
Speaker 1: I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever
Speaker 1: regret making a move like that. You know, it might
Speaker 1: test your relationship, or it might make you closer with
Speaker 1: your mother because you haven't been a part and so
Speaker 1: there's a lot of codependency there. So and then let's
Speaker 1: get back to this adopted stuff about you and your
Speaker 1: adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That
Speaker 1: must feel like it's very very personal. Yes, um, my
Speaker 1: birth mother got pregnant when she was nineteen. She was
Speaker 1: broken up with my birth father at the time, did
Speaker 1: not tell him that she was pregnant, and ended up
Speaker 1: having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling
Speaker 1: him for eighteen years. Okay, well, then there you go
Speaker 1: with the explanation for that reasoning, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So are you able to excise yourself from the idea
Speaker 1: that you were rejected because are you pass that or
Speaker 1: is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes.
Speaker 1: I mean I met them when I was eighteen, so
Speaker 1: it's been a few years and so there's been a
Speaker 1: lot of processing through it. Some days are good, some
Speaker 1: days are bad. But I mean it's one of those
Speaker 1: things that you go back to and you think over
Speaker 1: a little bit too hard. But then at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, it's like, I would not have the
Speaker 1: life that I have right now if it wasn't for
Speaker 1: that action that she did. And so there's just the
Speaker 1: acceptance peace. Yeah, absolutely, and I what God? And do
Speaker 1: you still have communication with your biological parents now? Uh?
Speaker 1: Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth
Speaker 1: mother has a very severe mental illness challenge, and it's well,
Speaker 1: there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being
Speaker 1: raised by her, So there you go. Yeah exactly. But
Speaker 1: I would urge you to really understand the value that
Speaker 1: you have just by being here, like you're not here
Speaker 1: by accident. People go back to negative narratives like oh god, well,
Speaker 1: why did my parents do that? Why why didn't she
Speaker 1: tell him? For eighteen years? Maybe my life would have
Speaker 1: been different, Like your life isn't different. And the only
Speaker 1: way to capitalize on what you're going through right now
Speaker 1: is to be grateful and to accept it and to
Speaker 1: do what's in your best interest for you to thrive
Speaker 1: as a person and not to be depending on any
Speaker 1: of these people in your life, right right, completely agree. Well,
Speaker 1: and you know, between going to school and I'm an
Speaker 1: alcohol and drug counselor as well, you're gonna I'm an alcoholic,
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, ship, I wouldn't be too, No, not
Speaker 1: for the moment um. Yeah, but I every day I
Speaker 1: talked to clients about what it's like to are asking
Speaker 1: them to search for their own identity as well. And
Speaker 1: I was actually just looking at my own life and
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, I haven't been really walking
Speaker 1: this walk either, And so you know, identity is based
Speaker 1: on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences, right,
Speaker 1: And so that's why I just wanted to pick your
Speaker 1: brain on it, because it's something you can't ignore it forever. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and your identity isn't based on your birth mother or
Speaker 1: your adoptive mother or your adoptive father. Your identity is
Speaker 1: based on how you handle your life situation, on what
Speaker 1: you do with your life moving far, like taking a
Speaker 1: leap of faith and moving to Maine and taking that
Speaker 1: risk is going to reap probably a lot of happiness
Speaker 1: in your life. I would surmise, Brandon, what what what
Speaker 1: do you have to say on the matter. I agree.
Speaker 1: I think that I'm also a gay man and have
Speaker 1: a very complicated relationship with my mother, and I think
Speaker 1: that the amount of insight you will receive from removing
Speaker 1: yourself from that daily habit with her and starting a
Speaker 1: life for yourself somewhere that then you're kind of forced
Speaker 1: to communicate in a different way and leverage your time
Speaker 1: together when you have it, versus it just being said
Speaker 1: too consistent part of your life. That if you never
Speaker 1: make that choice, you could end up being resentful for
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. And it's kind of a mental and emotional
Speaker 1: move at the same time. Because you know where I'm
Speaker 1: from originally, you know, growing up in a really small
Speaker 1: town as a gay person where it really wasn't allowed
Speaker 1: when I was young. Anyway, there's this whole There's just
Speaker 1: been a lot of levels to the identity piece that
Speaker 1: have been just kind of haunting and just that overshadowing
Speaker 1: of everything that I've been doing for the past on
Speaker 1: teen years. And I think that this move just kind
Speaker 1: of represents moving forward on like ten different levels. And
Speaker 1: so yeah, I would agree back to something that you
Speaker 1: guys just mentioned. Do you think that being a gay
Speaker 1: man complicates your relationship with your mother or you're just
Speaker 1: as saying that you're a gay man who also has
Speaker 1: a complicated relationship with your mom. You know, this is
Speaker 1: an interesting question because yeah, I would say both to
Speaker 1: some degree. I think that most from my perspective, most
Speaker 1: gay men have complicated relationships with their mother. It's either
Speaker 1: an over like an overly codependent relationship, or it's competitive
Speaker 1: to a certain degree. And what are you competing about, Like,
Speaker 1: for I don't know what the competition is, but it's
Speaker 1: just that there's like a dynamic that you feel like
Speaker 1: it's one upping, like someone always has to be better
Speaker 1: than the other with your mother. To some degree, yeah,
Speaker 1: I see that with a lot of my friends that
Speaker 1: if it's not super codependent, like five phone calls a day.
Speaker 1: Then there's an underlying jealousy to some degree, and I
Speaker 1: don't know where that stems from. I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's I think competitive, though might be the wrong word.
Speaker 1: There's something it's gamesmanship, right, yeah, it's games What about you, Billy?
Speaker 1: Is that is that true for you? I think there's
Speaker 1: an extra responsibility and this is just my opinion, but
Speaker 1: I think there's an extra responsibility for gay men to
Speaker 1: take care of their mother's And I don't know if
Speaker 1: there's some of that dynamic between the father, if there
Speaker 1: is a father figure where that gets in the way
Speaker 1: of what the relationship with the mother supposed to be like.
Speaker 1: But with my personal experience, you know, it was my
Speaker 1: mom and me, and then it was my dad and
Speaker 1: so we we had a relationship that kind of represented
Speaker 1: a partnership, and then he got kind of pushed to
Speaker 1: the side because of his own shortcomings for lack of
Speaker 1: a better term, right, Right, It's like being in a
Speaker 1: threesome and you're the one at the end of the bed.
Speaker 1: And can I just say this is another part about
Speaker 1: your identity and trying to become a fully realized adult.
Speaker 1: Basically outside of this one thing in life, your adoption
Speaker 1: that for a lot of people really determine the trajectory
Speaker 1: of what they're going to do. You see it so
Speaker 1: much with adopted kids that can't get themselves out of
Speaker 1: that one aspect of who they are. And my mom
Speaker 1: is adopted and the thing that I wish for her
Speaker 1: that again, this is like we spoke about at the
Speaker 1: beginning of this episode, like she has a lot of issues,
Speaker 1: but being able to leverage a different perspective that being
Speaker 1: adopted gives you. So many people find it, you know,
Speaker 1: it's so negative. There are so many harmful repercussions that
Speaker 1: they see if it's not hand it in a certain way.
Speaker 1: But you now have tools and you now have a
Speaker 1: perspective a lot of people don't having met your biological parents,
Speaker 1: knowing your adoptive parents and what sort of life they've
Speaker 1: provided you. So it's important, like Chelsea's that change the
Speaker 1: narrative of it being a negative thing to being a positive, like,
Speaker 1: look at what I've gotten to experience. You have a bone,
Speaker 1: as they say in Sweden. In Sweden, you have a
Speaker 1: bonus family, Like you have all these bonus people in
Speaker 1: your life that you didn't get to. You know, you
Speaker 1: have to look at these things in life like we
Speaker 1: have to take the negative experiences and turn them into positives.
Speaker 1: That's our responsibility because that's really the only control you have,
Speaker 1: And you have all these things sound positive. Look at you.
Speaker 1: You're normal, you're saying you're you're smart, you're good looking,
Speaker 1: You're about to move to Maine, and you know, like
Speaker 1: all this great stuff is happening. So yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: worried about you for a second. You're getting into like
Speaker 1: being a fully realized man. Well, thank you very much
Speaker 1: for that. It just sometimes feels like, even as someone
Speaker 1: in their early thirties, I feel like some days I'm twelves,
Speaker 1: some days I might five years old, And it just
Speaker 1: gets like I think that's just been the human condition
Speaker 1: in general. Each day we wake up kind of either
Speaker 1: able to handle X, Y and Z or just kind
Speaker 1: of want to hide. Yeah, yeah, I just remember, you're
Speaker 1: not the only but you're not the only person thinking
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. You know exactly exactly. Well, thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Billy. Please keep us posted, let us know
Speaker 1: if you make the move. We'd like to keep track
Speaker 1: of the story. And I want to make sure you
Speaker 1: reach out to both of your mothers on Mother's Day now,
Speaker 1: just as a nice jester. Just as a nice jester. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure, want and maybe reach out to a mother
Speaker 1: that you don't know a stranger. Absolutely, okay, thanks, thank you,
Speaker 1: Billy Bye. I like Billy Billy had a feeling. Oh
Speaker 1: that was really sincere. And like I feel like Dr
Speaker 1: Phil right now. And I feel like Dr Phil with
Speaker 1: his wife. You know how his wife goes to work
Speaker 1: with him. That's like us. It's like I go to
Speaker 1: work and then you come with me. Did you have
Speaker 1: someone that you loved in daytime? I love to sell
Speaker 1: Jesse Rafael. You mean Sally Jessica Rafael. Yes, No, that's
Speaker 1: not right. I just made that up. Okay, So you
Speaker 1: can't agree with everything I say. I mean that that
Speaker 1: doesn't That doesn't lend credibility to me. I'm wrong so
Speaker 1: much in those ways that when you do correct me,
Speaker 1: typically you are right. So now I default to trusting
Speaker 1: you if you say something like that that I was wrong. Right. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm hosting Ellen The Ellen Show. Speaking of daytime. You
Speaker 1: know when I think the dates are June and July one,
Speaker 1: they are correct, Yes, so you can look out for that. Okay,
Speaker 1: what else do we have today. Okay. Our next submission
Speaker 1: comes from a woman named Carly. She's thirty five. We
Speaker 1: don't know where she is, but she's having some issues
Speaker 1: with her mother. So let's see what you think about this.
Speaker 1: She says, Hi, Chelsea, coming to you is the final resort.
Speaker 1: I've attempted to make peace via mental health professionals who
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to trust, but it hasn't gotten me very far.
Speaker 1: I saw your post and thought to myself, why not.
Speaker 1: I have nothing left to lose. My mother is a
Speaker 1: complete narcissist who emotionally and sometimes physically a used everyone
Speaker 1: in my family. My dad is dead now, and since
Speaker 1: he's died, the gloves have really come off. The family
Speaker 1: has fallen apart, and we're all estranged. I couldn't see
Speaker 1: any end to my mother's emotional abuse. I created a
Speaker 1: boundary and said, unless my mom goes to counseling to
Speaker 1: build a healthy relationship in a safe space, we will
Speaker 1: not have a relationship. She said she won't be bullied
Speaker 1: into going to counseling. I'm wondering if I should let
Speaker 1: it all go except who she is, knowing that she'll
Speaker 1: probably hurt me again, or if I should continue to
Speaker 1: hold my boundary. I also have a daughter now who
Speaker 1: I need to protect after seeing my mom's abuse of
Speaker 1: my niece. She's seventy and won't be around much longer.
Speaker 1: I really miss her and need my mom. But also
Speaker 1: she's such a huge count. If I decided to keep
Speaker 1: her out of my life, how do I prevent the
Speaker 1: issue from eating me up and turning me into a
Speaker 1: bitter cunt to Society really doesn't like to talk about
Speaker 1: the fact that there are moms who don't love their kids.
Speaker 1: Although I'm almost thirty five, I feel doomed to live
Speaker 1: a life and a perpetual and fantilized state because I
Speaker 1: can't grow past the trauma of my mom wanting me
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Mothers are mothers like that? Are cunts,
Speaker 1: They are brandon This is a field. This is your wheeled, wheeledhouse.
Speaker 1: This is your field house. Now this is your wheelhouse.
Speaker 1: These submissions make me realize everyone has an issue. Well
Speaker 1: that's not only that, though, but it's just like, you know,
Speaker 1: mothers who act like that and who are not supportive
Speaker 1: to their children are baffling. Why would you go through
Speaker 1: that to bring a child into this world to not
Speaker 1: be able to put your best to it, you know,
Speaker 1: like do it? Well, did you always know you did
Speaker 1: not want to be a mom? I knew because I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a good mother because I'm a selfish cunt,
Speaker 1: That's why. And once you realize that makes everything else.
Speaker 1: So yeah, but it's like, come come on, you know,
Speaker 1: these poor kids have to grow up thinking that their
Speaker 1: mother doesn't love them or their mother rejected them. I mean,
Speaker 1: how many people in this world have to experience that.
Speaker 1: It's so it's so sad to think of. Let's talk
Speaker 1: to Carly about it. I think she's on the phone. Well,
Speaker 1: that was a long letter. She's going to follow it
Speaker 1: up up. Hi, Hi Carly, Hello, Hi, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I felt so bad reading it. Well, Brandon just read
Speaker 1: me your submission, your letter, and it's just such a
Speaker 1: bummer that your mother is like that. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: so what's the status? Now, what's your situation? First of all,
Speaker 1: Brandon has a lot of expertise in this area because
Speaker 1: his mom is a hot mess, so he's probably gonna
Speaker 1: take the leader or not. You're not alone. And first
Speaker 1: of all, you look so beautiful. Ye just thinks I
Speaker 1: tried really hard. Oh well, you look really adorable. Thanks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I actually joined a couple of groups on Facebook that
Speaker 1: are like daughters of Narcissistic Moms and like, you scroll
Speaker 1: through the stories and every single one is exactly the same.
Speaker 1: And that kind of made me feel better because I
Speaker 1: felt really isolated in my experience because I know so
Speaker 1: many people with great relationships with their moms. But um,
Speaker 1: the status now. Actually, after I wrote you that thing,
Speaker 1: I don't know why. Just for the next three days,
Speaker 1: I it was really contemplating whether I should or not,
Speaker 1: and then I just said fuck it. I did it
Speaker 1: one morning and she was surprised at first, like me
Speaker 1: and say hi without crying. I just felt like such
Speaker 1: a little bit, but yeah, I just said, can we
Speaker 1: just move forward and be nice to each other? And like,
Speaker 1: funk the past? Who cares? I don't care because she's
Speaker 1: she's hung up on the past, like I can't let
Speaker 1: it go. And she was like, I don't know, I'm
Speaker 1: pretty happy now and I don't really want you to
Speaker 1: ruin that. So like she my dad passed away in
Speaker 1: and she's with a new man now, so and so
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that was a no go on the counseling.
Speaker 1: Oh no, she she's like fully against it, which is
Speaker 1: hilarious because she's used to tell me when I was
Speaker 1: younger that only truly crazy people won't go to counseling.
Speaker 1: Most people who are in counseling are in it for
Speaker 1: people who won't go. Well, I mean that's a very
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with a very similar situation. So again, I
Speaker 1: feel your pain and I know the struggle. And people
Speaker 1: who feel like they know more than everyone else, we'll
Speaker 1: never go counseling because they don't they don't want to
Speaker 1: do the work that takes really correct to these issues.
Speaker 1: So it's a battle you can't win. But I do
Speaker 1: think that there's power and accepting that and accepting what
Speaker 1: type of relationship you're willing to have with your mom.
Speaker 1: Like for me, right now, it's no relationship, And so
Speaker 1: you just have to make the best decision that you
Speaker 1: know you're operating in a way that you can look
Speaker 1: back on it in ten, fifteen, twenty years whenever she's
Speaker 1: gone and know like I operated in my best interests
Speaker 1: in this way. Yeah, I feel like anything in my life,
Speaker 1: I even with boyfriends and stuff, as long as I
Speaker 1: know I really gave it my all. I'm okay to
Speaker 1: move forward. It's just always going to hurt. I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's also just impossible to deal with narcissists. Like I
Speaker 1: have a friend who's going through a divorce, and I
Speaker 1: have another friend who's just getting out of you know,
Speaker 1: her divorce is finalized, but same thing. And it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, they're reading books about dealing with narcissists, and
Speaker 1: you know about how difficult it is and what kind
Speaker 1: of number they pull on you, what they you to
Speaker 1: you mentally, because they they literally have a way of
Speaker 1: eating away at your self confidence, at your self security,
Speaker 1: your ability to make a decision. You know, you become
Speaker 1: indecisive because you're not sure that your decision has value.
Speaker 1: So it's not talked about as much as you know
Speaker 1: it probably will be in the next decade or two,
Speaker 1: because people seem to be really talking about mental health now.
Speaker 1: But like dealing with a narcissist is, it has a
Speaker 1: very deleterious impact on all of us. You have to
Speaker 1: take that into consideration. It's like it's almost like you're
Speaker 1: injured and you can't identify the injury, so you're acting
Speaker 1: in the weakness of the injury. Yet you know you're
Speaker 1: only really choosing to be injured. Yeah, every single person
Speaker 1: in that group I'm in says they'd rather, they would
Speaker 1: have rather gotten hit so they could see, like, hey,
Speaker 1: this person did this to me and people would give
Speaker 1: them compassion. But my mom is amazing at everyone in
Speaker 1: my whole life. Your mom is so amazing, she's so nice,
Speaker 1: she's so this, she's so Then it's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I was going to bring up at Astra. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you've seen it, probably, but the movie, Yeah,
Speaker 1: how Brad Pitt. That movie was really therapeutic for me
Speaker 1: when Brad Pitt like literally went across the fucking solar
Speaker 1: system to connect with his father and he gets there
Speaker 1: and the dad's like, nah, I'm good. Yeah, his dad
Speaker 1: was still an asshole. He's like fun, so he just
Speaker 1: floats off in this space. It's like, that's why I
Speaker 1: admire Brandon, like the way you handle your mom so much,
Speaker 1: because I'm always fascinated by people who insist on a
Speaker 1: relationship with their parents when they when they've been molested
Speaker 1: or god forbid, something they're beaten, you know, like something terrible,
Speaker 1: and they still desire the relationship between the father and
Speaker 1: the mother. And it's like, I know a girl who
Speaker 1: is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who
Speaker 1: molested her, who is her father, and I cannot understand
Speaker 1: that it's a conditioning And Carli, I don't know if
Speaker 1: you'll agree with us, but there's a certain level of
Speaker 1: gaslighting that goes on with parents and their kids that
Speaker 1: you are made to believe that this behavior is appropriate
Speaker 1: or it's a result of your behavior. That they are
Speaker 1: not in control of what they do, it's because they're
Speaker 1: reacting to what you're doing. It's all such a mind fuck.
Speaker 1: The thing I'm pissed about is that, like, now that
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five, I don't know. It's taken me still
Speaker 1: now to have just a faint idea of what a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship is. Like I look back at my boyfriends
Speaker 1: and it's like I thought the way they were treating
Speaker 1: me was normal. Meanwhile they were stealing from me, they
Speaker 1: were emotionally abusing me, gas lighting all this ship. And
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, I just I don't know. Do you
Speaker 1: have a what's your story? Now? You have a daughter?
Speaker 1: You said, yeah, she just spoke up. Do you want
Speaker 1: to see her? Sure? I'm alone I'm alone with her,
Speaker 1: so I kind of multitasking. Can I wait in two seconds? No? No,
Speaker 1: go ahead and grab her. But don't expect me to
Speaker 1: get too excited around a baby. I mean, I can
Speaker 1: you know they're cute for a second. Oh, she's sweet,
Speaker 1: she's really cute. Yes, but she's very timid, Like you
Speaker 1: can tell that there's a lot of baggage here, which
Speaker 1: is unfortunate but seeming. It's one of those things that
Speaker 1: not a lot of people talk about. Either they're dynamic
Speaker 1: with their parents. That's Oh and she woke up smiling.
Speaker 1: This is like an ad for pregnancy or penetration or something. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't think I could give fregnant and then I did.
Speaker 1: And I'm really I was like one of those like
Speaker 1: my whole twenties, right up until my early thirties, not
Speaker 1: having kids, never having kids, and then it's just yeah,
Speaker 1: who's the father of the baby. His name is Anthony.
Speaker 1: Are you guys together or um, we're not exactly together. No.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing is like, that's what I'm kind
Speaker 1: of what brought it up is because like I hate
Speaker 1: that I don't know how to stay in a relationship
Speaker 1: like I just had such a bad example set for me.
Speaker 1: So I think once you've got your mother out of
Speaker 1: your life, which I think we're going to recommend doing,
Speaker 1: I think you're going to start to value yourself a
Speaker 1: little bit more without that drama beat of negativity and
Speaker 1: you should and a you need to break the cycle
Speaker 1: for your daughter. It's fucking hard work. I've been encounting
Speaker 1: since I was fifteen, and like, yeah, a lot of
Speaker 1: people now are like, your daughter is going to reap
Speaker 1: all the benefits, and I can. I can definitely feel that,
Speaker 1: but it is hard being the one that has to
Speaker 1: break it. Yeah, I understand, but you know, as a mother,
Speaker 1: that is your responsibility to break the cycle. It's not
Speaker 1: having a daughter would help me understand my mom more,
Speaker 1: like just going through that and ship and like, I
Speaker 1: definitely understand way less. Like I think about saying or
Speaker 1: doing some of the ship that she said, did does
Speaker 1: and it just seems so ridiculous, so absolutely insured. But
Speaker 1: I think that's part of it is that you have
Speaker 1: to be able to remove yourself from that and the
Speaker 1: decisions that she made because those aren't all inherited traits,
Speaker 1: Like you're never going to be able to rationalize some
Speaker 1: of her behavior, you're because it's tied to a mental
Speaker 1: health issue, something that she had going on that you're
Speaker 1: never going to be able to understand. But you're doing
Speaker 1: the hardest part, which is the self assessment now of
Speaker 1: what you don't want to create, the dynamic with your daughter,
Speaker 1: the behavioral patterns that you want to break, and the
Speaker 1: fact that you've been able to identify those things, Like
Speaker 1: that's the hardest part. Knowing that you want to make
Speaker 1: a change is what's going to set you forward. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just like I was explaining it to my friend,
Speaker 1: and it's like having a beast in a cage inside
Speaker 1: of you at all times, Like I feel that shitty
Speaker 1: generational animosity or hostility or whatever it is, this pent
Speaker 1: up ship. But it sounds like you're on top of
Speaker 1: your game. It sounds like you're you're cranking all of
Speaker 1: this stuff back and you are kind of like, um,
Speaker 1: learning that behavior. You know, right, it's hard to it's hard.
Speaker 1: It's really hard to know whether or not to have
Speaker 1: in my life. I don't think you should. We're both selling,
Speaker 1: you know. Let me just say this. My girlfriend from
Speaker 1: hays Well just extricated her parents from her life. She
Speaker 1: wrote them a letter. There were assholes for years and
Speaker 1: years and years lost drama in that family and she's
Speaker 1: never felt better. Just as an aside in the same
Speaker 1: the same situation with me is that I cut off
Speaker 1: all communication and I did it multiple times in my life.
Speaker 1: The longest time was two and a half years. I'm
Speaker 1: at like nine months right now. When you have that
Speaker 1: space from that person who first of all, they're giving
Speaker 1: that little beasts that you talk about power, So you
Speaker 1: remove them from that and you have so much more
Speaker 1: awareness of what's really going on in your life and
Speaker 1: what power they've had on you, or that you've allowed
Speaker 1: them to influence in your life. And as soon as
Speaker 1: you get some time apart, it just puts things into
Speaker 1: perspective and you realize what you're not going to allow
Speaker 1: anymore in your dynamic. Also, a narcissist needs the interaction.
Speaker 1: So that's why I don't tell my sisters what to do.
Speaker 1: I have three sisters. I let them all make their
Speaker 1: own decisions. I don't agree with them. Three brothers. What's
Speaker 1: up with your brothers? Are they talk in your mom
Speaker 1: um ones? In Australia? The other one no, she like
Speaker 1: took him to court when he was younger. Yeah, she's brutal.
Speaker 1: And then um, my other ones in Florida. That's my
Speaker 1: dad's son. Though my sister and I are biological full siblings.
Speaker 1: So and does your sister talk to your mom? Well?
Speaker 1: Then hello, yeah, stop talking to your mom. You need
Speaker 1: to listen to us and stop talking to your mother. Okay,
Speaker 1: I mean either do that for like, at least commit
Speaker 1: to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously,
Speaker 1: I want you to commit to not talking to your
Speaker 1: mom and report back. Okay, okay, okay, Carly, do we
Speaker 1: have a pinky swear? Brandon? Give us a pinky swear?
Speaker 1: Brendon and I are pinky swearing on your behalf. There
Speaker 1: you go. Oh that's cute. Keeping families together, that's what
Speaker 1: we're calling our podcast. Well, not your mom, but anyway,
Speaker 1: thank you, car please, Okay, poor Carly? What the funk
Speaker 1: is wrong with everybody? Brandon? I don't know, but you
Speaker 1: know what she I just can't believe mother's you. I
Speaker 1: guess it's that's comes from my own narrow viewed life
Speaker 1: experience because my mom was such a mom, like in
Speaker 1: you know, sweet in that sense. Well, and anyone who's
Speaker 1: listening to this, I guess I would hope that that
Speaker 1: would be a perspective they take, is that not all
Speaker 1: these relationships and maybe this is not a feel good episode,
Speaker 1: but everyone has issues in their life. Everyone has a
Speaker 1: different relationship with their mother. Nothing is appropriate or not appropriate,
Speaker 1: like with the expectations that we set on these relationships,
Speaker 1: but they're all different. They are different. But it's just
Speaker 1: such a bummer to hear about jealous moms or narcissistic moms.
Speaker 1: It's like, how can you do that if you're having
Speaker 1: a child. I guess it's very probably prevalent. You know,
Speaker 1: it's a bunch of narcissists having babies. But this is
Speaker 1: also interesting that two of the submissions so far have
Speaker 1: been people who may or may not should not have
Speaker 1: had kids. Well, you can't say should not. I think
Speaker 1: there's some people who will be society conditions women that
Speaker 1: they should have a friend who has kids who shouldn't
Speaker 1: and you need to know that upfront, like this is
Speaker 1: probably not for me. But then there's some people but
Speaker 1: who believe like they are meant to do this and
Speaker 1: offer that sort of motherly dynamic in the world. And
Speaker 1: there is a woman who I read about a couple
Speaker 1: of years ago. Her name is Sarah Cunningham, and she
Speaker 1: started doing this thing at Pride parades where she had
Speaker 1: a sign that said free Mom Hugs because people were
Speaker 1: going and their parents weren't support of them, so she
Speaker 1: would go and so she would offer that maternal hug
Speaker 1: to these people who didn't have a parent there to
Speaker 1: support them. And so she's turned it into an organization
Speaker 1: called Free Mom Hugs. And one of the quotes says,
Speaker 1: if you need a mom to attend your same sex
Speaker 1: wedding because your biological mom won't call me, I'll be
Speaker 1: your biggest fan. So it's sweet. So so there are
Speaker 1: some of these women out there who are probably killing
Speaker 1: it at the mom game. Yeah yeah, right, If they're
Speaker 1: doing that, that's really sweet. I think we should take
Speaker 1: a quick break, Okay, sweetheart. I'm just astounded that people
Speaker 1: mothers are so stupid that they wouldn't go to the
Speaker 1: gay son's wedding. I mean, honestly, like, what are you
Speaker 1: raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal, I mean,
Speaker 1: get a fucking clue, a lady, Like, gay people are
Speaker 1: not going anywhere, I know, but it's some people just
Speaker 1: I mean Okay, me, for instance, I have a very
Speaker 1: diverse background. Well really, are you Cuban? What what's the
Speaker 1: diversity upbringing? And my mom still took issue when I
Speaker 1: came out. You know, we didn't talk for six months
Speaker 1: and she had you know, she would you classify your mom?
Speaker 1: Is your mom gonna listen to this podcast because you're
Speaker 1: not going to be talking afterwards. This is all stuff
Speaker 1: I've said to her, by the way, nothing Well now
Speaker 1: I'm saying it to her, which it might be double
Speaker 1: the trouble. Would you classify your mother as a narcissist
Speaker 1: and she is a master manipulator? Okay? Yeah. When I
Speaker 1: called the police and asked her to be arrested because
Speaker 1: she was drunk driving, I then wrote a letter to
Speaker 1: the state's attorney asking him to provide it to the judge,
Speaker 1: and I requested the harshest possible punishment for her, for
Speaker 1: her to be a gulag, literally anything that they could
Speaker 1: do that would force her to reflect like this is
Speaker 1: this really where I want to be right now? And
Speaker 1: they read that letter to her and I basically stated
Speaker 1: all of this stuff so from your son, Brandon. They
Speaker 1: read it to her in front of people whoever was
Speaker 1: in the courtroom. Do you know what her reaction to
Speaker 1: that letter was. I couldn't tell you, but I know,
Speaker 1: can you? Yeah? I mean want me to find out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I read it to use. This is exciting. I like
Speaker 1: confronting people, especially in this way. Too bad. The police
Speaker 1: sucks so bad because I would say, well, you were
Speaker 1: in the court actually, so there were probably very few
Speaker 1: police officers there. But God, let's not go down that road. Okay.
Speaker 1: So this is you. I want you to that. This
Speaker 1: is the letter that you wrote your state attorney, your
Speaker 1: mother's state attorney general. The state attorney would be prosecuting
Speaker 1: her case in the county in which she lives. Is
Speaker 1: the letter I wrote, d U I was the subject. Hello.
Speaker 1: I hope this email finds you healthy and happy during
Speaker 1: the holiday season. I'm reaching out in regards to a
Speaker 1: recent incident involving my mother. My mother has unfortunately had
Speaker 1: multiple interactions with the law and recent months due to
Speaker 1: her substant abuse issues and unresolved mental health matters. Most recently,
Speaker 1: she was arrested while driving under the influence of alcohol
Speaker 1: and held for a psychiatric review. I'm emailing in hopes
Speaker 1: that with your help, my mother will receive the harshest
Speaker 1: possible punishment for her crime. This is a plea I
Speaker 1: make not out of anger or vengeance, but out of
Speaker 1: concern for her well being and safety of those around her.
Speaker 1: My mother is unwell and unstable, and when drinking, a
Speaker 1: hazard as she habitually drinks and drives, wrecking multiple vehicles
Speaker 1: after hitting inanimate objects. God, my mother is a beautiful
Speaker 1: and articulate woman. She is also highly deceptive and manipulative,
Speaker 1: and until now evaded the law and any punishment. I
Speaker 1: would like that to change. As a former self DA
Speaker 1: code and I'm aware of how lenient the law can
Speaker 1: be for d y charges. My former stepfather has had
Speaker 1: many with almost repercussions. My mother has long operated as
Speaker 1: a functioning alcoholic, but at this juncture is failing to
Speaker 1: function as a civilized member of society and needs help
Speaker 1: getting back on track. I'm asking for your help and
Speaker 1: getting this woman's life back in order. My mother was
Speaker 1: a single woman raising four kids and worked countless jobs
Speaker 1: simultaneously for many years. Her potential success is limitless, but
Speaker 1: she needs forced course correction. This is not a person
Speaker 1: or a case to disregard. This is a case that
Speaker 1: could create positive change, should it be handled the right way.
Speaker 1: Nearly six months sober before her most recent incident, she
Speaker 1: had been part of multiple AA meetings weekly. These meetings
Speaker 1: held her accountable and should be mandatory after any intoxication arrest.
Speaker 1: In my humble opinion, I've copied my sister here one
Speaker 1: of her daughters to collaborate details and assist in anyway.
Speaker 1: So see it's with intention of like positivity. Yeah, right, right, right,
Speaker 1: And did you ever get a response from that? No,
Speaker 1: Apparently what I was told when I called is that
Speaker 1: he couldn't legally respond because yeah, probably wanted to be
Speaker 1: like uh huh. But for my understanding, like this does
Speaker 1: not happen a lot. And I think that with any
Speaker 1: of these things, like you know how many people we
Speaker 1: talked to today with mommy issues and so many times
Speaker 1: people think it's daddy issues, but there's a lot of
Speaker 1: up ship going home. I would also like to say, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's some daddy issues too. But as a stepfather, as
Speaker 1: a recent stepfather, because when I was living in Whistler,
Speaker 1: I became a stepfather to factive stepfather. My friend Kellie
Speaker 1: had those two girls and they called me dad and
Speaker 1: they would come over and slip. Then the weekends at
Speaker 1: my and I love being a stepdad, like I love
Speaker 1: taking them to dinner, taking them shopping, playing games with them.
Speaker 1: They snuggle in my bed. You know, we've watched movies
Speaker 1: like we we just had like a total vibe going
Speaker 1: and I feel like, oh, I've never wanted to be
Speaker 1: a mom, but I could kill it as a divorce dad.
Speaker 1: You know, come in, you just spread the sunshine, spread
Speaker 1: the love, and then leave on Monday morning. But skidaddle
Speaker 1: before things get too dicey. See that to me is
Speaker 1: more you'd be the perfect ex husband because the stepdad
Speaker 1: has to do all like no, no, no, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: not stepdad's ex spen where you just who has a
Speaker 1: younger wife and wants to has start a family with her.
Speaker 1: So I can only come once in a while. You're
Speaker 1: good for Friday through Sunday, meals Friday through Sunday. Yeah, Friday,
Speaker 1: Friday night through Sunday. Yep, yep, that's good because as
Speaker 1: soon as they would leave on Sunday or Monday, like
Speaker 1: I needed a day to myself to recover. So when
Speaker 1: I just think about people raising children and having to
Speaker 1: deal during this pandemic and mothers. I just can't even
Speaker 1: I can't relate because I can't even imagine. In closing
Speaker 1: today's episode, Brittan, I would like to say that there
Speaker 1: seems to be a biological thread. It's almost like a
Speaker 1: biological mandate, if you will. People are tied to their
Speaker 1: biological parents and biological children. It's seemingly very hard for
Speaker 1: people to break the idea that they may not have
Speaker 1: long term relationships with their parents. But to your point,
Speaker 1: so many kids need homes and there are so many
Speaker 1: other more healthy relationships out there, then your parents. If
Speaker 1: that's not a healthy relationship, find another relationship that is, like,
Speaker 1: these are not things that yeah, but it's also feels
Speaker 1: like a structure of society, right that has been imposed
Speaker 1: upon people to the point of believing that you have
Speaker 1: to have this almost fealty towards not necessarily brothers and sisters.
Speaker 1: It's not as strong between brothers and sisters as it
Speaker 1: is between parents and children. That seems to be a
Speaker 1: very and while you can you can understand it, it
Speaker 1: also it is limiting to people. If you get you know,
Speaker 1: a dud for a mom or a dad, or you know,
Speaker 1: my dad was he could be a bit of a dud,
Speaker 1: but all in all, you know it was it was
Speaker 1: a cute relationship and it provided me with a lot
Speaker 1: of comedy. But yeah, may God rest his soul or
Speaker 1: whatever that's saying is God be with him anyway. So
Speaker 1: that's an interesting takeaway from today's episode is the biological necessity.
Speaker 1: People are obsessed with biology, whereas you know, the gay
Speaker 1: people can tell you this any day of the week.
Speaker 1: You make your own family, so don't be so tied
Speaker 1: down to the people in your family that suck. Just
Speaker 1: take a fucking break. That's what I'm doing right now.
Speaker 1: More people should. Yeah, I I encourage it, especially if
Speaker 1: it's a break. It's not permanent. So who gives a ship? Okay,
Speaker 1: I think we're in conclusion of part one of the episode, Brandon,
Speaker 1: what do you think, Well, there's yeah, there's still more
Speaker 1: that we need to address, so we're gonna have to
Speaker 1: do a part two. Okay, we're gonna do a part too,
Speaker 1: so tune in for a part two. Please, We'll see
Speaker 1: you on the other side.