WEBVTT - Mothers Part 1 0:00:01.040 --> 0:00:04.840 Hi, this is Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This 0:00:04.920 --> 0:00:09.560 is a podcast where I am giving out solicited advice 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:13.119 and sometimes unsolicited and sometimes unsolicited. We all know that 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:16.599 I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.960 advice seems to be my specialty. Um, but I actually 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:22.680 do really enjoy giving advice to people, and I am 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:27.280 very delighted also to bring to the for my assistant, Brandon, 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:30.520 because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:34.080 lightens up everyone who's in my life their life as well. 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:37.560 He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:41.560 to face time with Brandon. My family misses Brandon, like 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:44.720 everybody loves Brandon, and he needs to be shared with 0:00:44.720 --> 0:00:47.000 the world. So I was, yeah, I know, I know, 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:49.040 that's probably the first time you're hearing me say any 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:52.360 of that. You must be blushed, but you're not. I'm 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:54.800 looking at you and you're actually not blushing, So that's weird. 0:00:54.880 --> 0:00:58.000 But anyway, we have given not only advice to each 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.400 other on several occasions. You've helped me when I was 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:03.680 going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with 0:01:03.760 --> 0:01:06.319 not being a fucking contall the home. Yes, I'm on 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:08.680 a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:12.520 where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that i have 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:15.480 to be nice, compassion and empathetic, and then there's another 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.720 period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Yes, 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:21.720 there's a peak in a valley. Anyway, You've always been 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:24.039 very good at helping me when I've been struggling with 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:28.760 you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters, 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:32.520 things like that, and also we've given advice together with 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:35.640 lots of friends. You know, a lot of my friends 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:38.880 come to me when they're in crisis, and I, for 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:41.800 some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:44.840 a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I 0:01:44.880 --> 0:01:47.040 no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:50.520 in a crisis and sometimes when I have overflowed with patients. 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:52.840 You have taken on some of my friends who need 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:54.920 help and support that You've contracted me and on a 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:57.800 few of your project and you've been doing well. Yeah, 0:01:57.880 --> 0:02:01.320 you have an active case in Canada right now, So 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:03.360 how's that going. I'm gonna have to report back because 0:02:03.400 --> 0:02:05.080 I've not had a status update in a little while, 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:07.640 which is concerning, so I'm going to check in today. Actually, 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:09.320 this is a good girlfriend of mine who was having 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:12.120 trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.400 talk to her because Brandon was also I was a 0:02:14.400 --> 0:02:17.280 troubled youth. Yeah. I was a troubled youth too. I 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:19.520 was pregnant twice by the time I was fifteen, so 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.080 I was no walk in the park for my parents, 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:25.040 Which is why I think the perspective that we're able 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:27.359 to give on some of these is interesting because we're 0:02:27.360 --> 0:02:30.040 not actually living some of these cases, whether it be 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:33.320 with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships, so 0:02:33.320 --> 0:02:36.920 we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that. 0:02:37.000 --> 0:02:39.120 I agree with the fact that because neither of us 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:42.440 have children, we can give objective feedback about how your 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:45.760 children are behaving and your relationship with them because all 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:48.360 we do is see people with children. I've seen so 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:50.320 many different kinds of parenting in my life, so I 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:53.520 do feel like I have an idea about giving advice 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:55.960 on the subject matter which will come in handy. So 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:57.960 we're going to do all sorts of different types of 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:01.480 Mother's Day, right ins Okay, So some that need a 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:04.440 perspective on being a mother. Some that have issues with 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:07.920 their mother, and you're wearing a necklace on this on 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:11.200 this recording day. Is that for any reason in particular? No, 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:13.160 that just is how I was feeling this morning when 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:15.040 I woke up. But it has no regard to how 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:17.560 I feel about Mother's Day, which is I would say 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:20.080 my mom is, my mom is dead. Your mom is 0:03:20.120 --> 0:03:23.120 a hot mess. She is. I always say that she 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:25.799 when we frame it that way. I like to say 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:28.280 that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:32.160 Anna Nicole Smith, because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic, 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.680 but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:39.000 drinking problem. Yeah she's got Yeah, she's just got problems. 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:41.760 She's got. She's got a variety of them, and they 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:45.600 don't coincide well together, right, they don't live well together. 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:49.600 My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:53.840 of me. Not. She was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet, 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:58.800 but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone, and she 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:03.440 was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was 0:04:03.480 --> 0:04:07.360 like a total homebody mama, bear like snuggly, like you 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.440 wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.040 give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:14.800 a decade ago. Don't say passed like that. I always 0:04:14.800 --> 0:04:18.880 find that so, well, did she passed away? Not passed. 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:24.240 That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. She 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:26.800 did because I talked to my mother every morning and meditation. 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:29.599 I'm like, okay, I I summoned my mother and I 0:04:29.640 --> 0:04:32.159 pretend like that she's with me. I actually I have 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.839 to say with meditation and therapy and all that stuff. 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:37.520 Now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:39.680 her than I did when she was alive. But was 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:43.640 that immediate or as time has gone on now most 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:46.120 recently like after you know, learning all the stuff I 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:48.719 learned about, like energy and that no one's ever really gone. 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:51.680 They just transformed into something else, like a leaf, like 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:57.360 a leaf for it. Yea. But yeah, so Mother's Day, 0:04:57.360 --> 0:04:59.760 the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:02.359 did out of respect to mother's right, and that's a 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:05.919 necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:08.159 types of mothers in our lives. Is something else that 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:10.320 I've come to realize as you get older, some people 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:13.080 play a motherly role even though they're not your mother 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:16.240 or can give you that sort of insight or perspective 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:19.039 or nurturing that you need. And so you just have 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.080 to appreciate all the women in your life for the 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:23.000 mother that they do. Yeah. Yeah, And there's a lot 0:05:23.000 --> 0:05:25.279 of people that remind me of my own mom, you 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:27.479 know that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life, 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:29.760 but they have that same energy. You know, what was 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:32.120 your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:34.720 just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:38.000 roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her, 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:40.880 and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:43.440 she was all about food. So that's why I have like, 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:45.719 you know, she would make macaroni and cheese, like the 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.400 really good cheesy kind at like three when we would 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:51.559 get home from school. At that point, I was youngest, 0:05:51.600 --> 0:05:55.320 so I was only yeah, well basically yeah, something of 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:57.960 that magnitude of cheese, and it would be home at 0:05:58.000 --> 0:05:59.960 three o'clock in the afternoon, like and I assume that 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:01.960 was a snack, you know, So I would eat that 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:04.760 every day and then like I wonder why I have sucking, 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.359 you know, issues with food is because my mother was 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:09.760 feeding me like I was like, we just came out 0:06:09.760 --> 0:06:12.880 of a war. Was that her love language? Yes? Yeah, 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:17.240 whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was yes, I 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:20.240 mean love language. I can only assume what that means. Well, 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:22.000 you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother. 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:24.560 You describe your dogs that you want a dog who 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:28.320 wants to cuddle you all the time and just as 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:30.400 a little ball that you can curl up into. It 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:33.320 wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was burnt, 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:35.720 like I wouldn't be any super now. She'd be Bernice, 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:37.840 because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:39.800 mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:42.159 she would come back as a dog just to ignore 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:44.840 Your mom must be spirit hopping, because at one point 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:48.359 it was chunks spirit. She's just like going from dog 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:50.360 to dog, just this one goes. She's like, okay, I'm 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:53.280 gonna pop on into this one. Yeah. Yeah, but that's 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:55.440 something my mother would do, would come back as a 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:57.520 dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once 0:06:57.560 --> 0:06:58.960 I moved to l A, I was really young. I 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:01.120 was like nineteen or twenty and I moved to l A. 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:04.360 And if I didn't call her like every other day 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:07.600 or whatever it was. Every third day she would call 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:09.880 me until I called her back. And this was before 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:13.000 cell phones, like we're everywhere, you know you had one, 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:15.520 But like, I would never answer myself from him, So 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:18.239 she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:21.480 bringing at four am. I ignored it five am and 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:23.640 then I answered it and she was like, this is 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:26.200 what happens when you don't call your mother, and then 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:28.840 hung up on me. So she woke me up at 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:31.080 like those times. So that was her sense of humor, 0:07:31.760 --> 0:07:34.200 Like yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bit, 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:36.120 but I'm not too much of a bit. But she 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:39.559 was sharp. Everyone in her family seems to have that gene. 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:43.640 They were they're quick. Oh yeah, well that's nice. I mean, 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:45.720 I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:49.760 say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick, 0:07:49.840 --> 0:07:53.720 isn't you know the word? Everyone's just a little bit 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:58.920 like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom? 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:02.080 It would involve food, probably Martha's vineyard, being on the 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.200 beach with her, because she would never come to the beach. 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:06.160 My mom like never did any of the things that 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:08.600 a mother did. She never went to my school conferences 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.480 on my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:14.200 me up from school. She said. I was like, hey, 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:15.920 it's my birthday. I want you to take me to 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:18.800 Launch school literally was down the street. I wrote the 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:21.480 letter for her. She signed it. That's how I operated 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.080 on my whole childhood until I started just forging both 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:25.800 of their signatures because I was like, these two are 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.360 fucking deadweight, like my parents were deadweight. So I wrote this. 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:32.280 I'm like, please excuse Chelsea, it's her birthday. I'm taking 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:34.920 her a lunch. No one shows, my mother never shows, 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:37.920 and I walk home. I'm fuming, so I have to 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:39.679 go back to class. I have not gotten out to 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:41.920 Launch on my birthday. I'm so pissed. You know, I'm 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:45.000 nine years old, so it's everything. I walk home, I 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:47.560 storm it, and I just remember fucking going off on 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:50.880 my mother, like how could you leave me on my birthday? 0:08:51.240 --> 0:08:54.680 How could you fucking do that? Do you understand all 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:56.520 I ask of you is to do one thing, and 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:58.640 that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:00.480 was picking you up. I picked you up, and she 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:03.000 picked me up, But she never came into the school 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:05.320 to sign me out, Like she just sat at this 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:07.120 parking lot that I come out to at the end 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.040 of the day, you know, on the days she did 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:12.040 decide to pick me up, and she didn't even understand 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.160 that you had to go in and sign your child out, 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:18.360 like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. And no, no, 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:20.679 she couldn't. And she was tired all the time, so 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:24.400 she must have been depressed. Now, in retrospect, all signs 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:26.400 leading I mean, being married and my father could not 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:31.440 have been uplifting. You have two sisters, Which of you 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:35.440 three has more of your mom? Nice sister Shoshana for sure. 0:09:35.880 --> 0:09:38.000 But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:39.680 mother so you can bring people up to speed on 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:41.760 the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:47.840 has been divorced like six times. Okay, why don't you 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:50.240 start with that. By the way, mom, if you're listening, 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:53.760 nice to meet you know, i've met her before over 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.200 the phone. I think I don't know anyway. Yeah, so 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.480 she's just in that regard. Yeah, she's been married times. 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:02.400 And the one thing I try and keep a positive 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:06.800 outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:08.920 that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:11.559 looking for love, and I think that most people become 0:10:11.640 --> 0:10:14.240 jaded by that if they don't find it the first 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:16.520 second or third time. But no, no, no, not her. 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:20.920 She's not going to stop. That's an optimistic way of 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:24.640 looking at it. So, yeah, she's just a woman with 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:26.920 some issues. How was she growing up? How what kind 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:29.480 of mother was she when you were growing up? Again, 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:32.079 it was super high or super low. She was like, 0:10:33.000 --> 0:10:35.559 you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together, 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:37.400 and she's so pretty and she could do she was 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:39.920 like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah, 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:43.400 you showed me a picture of her. She was the 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:45.800 woman at Lancomb who went around the US and like 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:48.520 this is when department store makeup artists were like if 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:50.840 you were one of those, you had your face on 0:10:51.360 --> 0:10:53.040 posters that you were coming in. And she was a 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:56.080 projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:58.240 open Bay caree. Like she's done everything. So I always 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:00.200 thought of her as like a real life Barbie. There's 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:02.800 nothing she couldn't do. And she's a single mom with 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:06.559 four kids, and you know, that cause issues of its own, 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:08.400 but she always worked like three jobs to take care 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:10.720 of us. So so I have a tender spot for 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:12.960 any woman who I see going through something is I 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.120 know that all of those people are just one bad 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.280 decision away from being homeless, basically, so I try and 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:21.400 be as empathetic as possible, even to my you know, mother, 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.360 who I have no contact with, because she's just well, 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:26.760 that's not true. You you don't have no contact with her. 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:28.800 You did call the police on her in her local 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:30.640 city to let them know that she was drinking and 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:32.640 driving and gave them her license plate number. So I 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:36.480 would say that that's a not direct contract, but that's 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:40.200 that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.880 think that's fucking awesome. So we have to sometimes we 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.480 end up parenting our parents, and that's okay, Yeah, we 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:48.280 have to hold people accountable, right, I think that's true. 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.120 I think a lot of people parent their parents. I 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:53.280 didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:55.000 the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:58.000 parent my parents. But I definitely see you parenting your mom, 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:01.440 and I mean us, because it's not me. I find 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:05.400 it hilarious, Like, I find it hilarious. Your mother has 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.360 to be like that you freeze her out and that 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.960 you don't talk to her when she misbehaves, and that 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:14.400 you're not willing to funk around. I think it's really funny. No, 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:17.640 I don't work around. I can't. I mean at this juncture, 0:12:17.640 --> 0:12:20.360 I'm thirty two years old, Like, I'm not gonna put 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:23.080 up with that sort of behavior. And this is one 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:26.320 of those situations in life that as you get older, 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.400 if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:30.880 who are going to listen to this have that dynamic 0:12:30.920 --> 0:12:34.280 with their parents, those are relationships you want, Those are 0:12:34.280 --> 0:12:37.679 not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction, 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:40.520 things become much easier. Yeah, I mean you say that 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:42.920 a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:46.920 relationships you need, like a parent child relationship. But a 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.720 lot of people think that you need that. They don't 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:52.440 understand that you can divorce your parents or your son, 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:56.160 and they don't have an ability to do it. Well, 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:58.120 everyone has the ability to do it, because I've done. 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.600 I was so codependent for so long, mean, we were 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:04.160 in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like, 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.800 what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great, 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:09.840 And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment. 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:12.840 And when you do, you feel so much more powerful 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:16.040 in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, well you're not behold in, 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:18.600 you know. Yeah. I think we should take a quick 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.520 break and then we'll come back and you want to 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:23.520 start taking some callers, Yes, I would love to. We'll 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:27.520 be right back. So our first mission comes from Billy, 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:29.760 who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get. 0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:33.160 You get very excited when you talk about submissions. I 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.880 like that you take it seriously. You better hang on. 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:40.200 You've got quite a few today. Okay, Well I think better. Okay. 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:42.040 So his name is Billy, he's thirty three, and he's 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.800 from Minneapolis, and he writes, Dear Chelsea. I was raised 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:47.680 an only and adopted child by my parents who are 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:49.880 not able to conceive. My whole life has been based 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:52.640 on my ability to be the perfect offspring. At thirty 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:54.960 three years old, I still carry some of that baggage 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.880 and feel like a failure. Being adopted as a blessing 0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:00.960 and occurs you feel wanted, but you need to deliver. 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:04.920 My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality, 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:07.960 but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:09.960 you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:12.120 mother when I was eighteen. I soon found out that 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:14.480 she married my birth father and had three more children 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:16.959 after putting me up for adoption. How do you move 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.640 forward from an event like that and successfully seek and 0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:23.160 identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:25.240 issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide 0:14:25.280 --> 0:14:27.880 some insight on how you have built yours. In the 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:30.440 past few years, there have been multiple debts within the family, 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.000 including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.600 adoptive mother. I want to move forward with my life 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:37.200 in a different part of the country, but I know 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:40.000 it will kill her. She's the only family I have left, 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:42.880 and I need to develop myself somewhere else. Any thoughts 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:47.400 would be appreciated. Billy, Oh, my god, that is just 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:49.840 so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there, 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:51.520 but he's on the phone, so I think that we 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:58.040 should get a little additional insight. Billy, h were you hi? 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:00.640 Thank you for your letter. I mean that is a 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:06.360 lot to handle. Yes, yes, it is, but that's life right. Well, yeah, 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.000 because there's a lot to say here, Like you know, instinctively, 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:11.640 I would always tell everybody to just like reach for 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:14.680 their dreams and and go for it and take a 0:15:14.760 --> 0:15:17.000 huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:19.600 then you say, your adoptive mother is a widow and 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:21.960 she's there alone and you're all she has, so there's 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:25.280 a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:28.160 any chance of your adoptive mother. We're going to get 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:29.920 to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:32.240 is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:35.680 willing to relocate with you, not like live together, but 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:39.560 relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so, 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.160 because her roots are pretty deep in that area, just 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:44.360 because that's where she lived with my dad for so long. 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:48.040 But I think overall, just because she and I have 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:51.080 had a very tight knit relationship for a long time, 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:55.160 and I think honestly moving away would be the best 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:58.680 for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:00.200 you already have the answer to that question, s jan 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:02.360 If you know that intellectually, then all you have to 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.640 do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:06.600 seems like, you know, you don't have to go where 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.760 Where does she live? She lives about an hour and 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.320 twenty minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay, 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:14.960 so you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:20.000 farther all the way up to the main main Uh huh, Okay, Well, 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.480 I think you deserve to do whatever you want to 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:24.280 do with your life, you know, if you really want 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:26.320 to take a leap of faith and try something new. 0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:29.360 I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:32.040 regret making a move like that. You know, it might 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:34.720 test your relationship, or it might make you closer with 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:36.760 your mother because you haven't been a part and so 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:40.200 there's a lot of codependency there. So and then let's 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.760 get back to this adopted stuff about you and your 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:46.840 adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:53.280 must feel like it's very very personal. Yes, um, my 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:56.920 birth mother got pregnant when she was nineteen. She was 0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.960 broken up with my birth father at the time, did 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:04.200 not tell him that she was pregnant, and ended up 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:07.480 having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.119 him for eighteen years. Okay, well, then there you go 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.160 with the explanation for that reasoning, you know what I mean. 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:16.199 So are you able to excise yourself from the idea 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:20.440 that you were rejected because are you pass that or 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.600 is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes. 0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:26.600 I mean I met them when I was eighteen, so 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:29.879 it's been a few years and so there's been a 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:31.840 lot of processing through it. Some days are good, some 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:34.280 days are bad. But I mean it's one of those 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.160 things that you go back to and you think over 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:38.879 a little bit too hard. But then at the end 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:40.520 of the day, it's like, I would not have the 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:42.800 life that I have right now if it wasn't for 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.560 that action that she did. And so there's just the 0:17:46.600 --> 0:17:50.639 acceptance peace. Yeah, absolutely, and I what God? And do 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:55.560 you still have communication with your biological parents now? Uh? 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:58.840 Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:03.600 mother has a very severe mental illness challenge, and it's well, 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:05.640 there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:08.679 raised by her, So there you go. Yeah exactly. But 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:11.199 I would urge you to really understand the value that 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.400 you have just by being here, like you're not here 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:17.360 by accident. People go back to negative narratives like oh god, well, 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:19.600 why did my parents do that? Why why didn't she 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:22.240 tell him? For eighteen years? Maybe my life would have 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:24.880 been different, Like your life isn't different. And the only 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.160 way to capitalize on what you're going through right now 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:30.600 is to be grateful and to accept it and to 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:32.879 do what's in your best interest for you to thrive 0:18:32.920 --> 0:18:35.560 as a person and not to be depending on any 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:39.800 of these people in your life, right right, completely agree. Well, 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:42.199 and you know, between going to school and I'm an 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:45.240 alcohol and drug counselor as well, you're gonna I'm an alcoholic, 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:48.879 I'm like, no, ship, I wouldn't be too, No, not 0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:52.080 for the moment um. Yeah, but I every day I 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:54.760 talked to clients about what it's like to are asking 0:18:54.800 --> 0:18:57.399 them to search for their own identity as well. And 0:18:57.440 --> 0:18:59.520 I was actually just looking at my own life and 0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:01.480 being like, you know what, I haven't been really walking 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:05.200 this walk either, And so you know, identity is based 0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:09.440 on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences, right, 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:12.280 And so that's why I just wanted to pick your 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:15.560 brain on it, because it's something you can't ignore it forever. Yeah, 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.280