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Speaker 1: Hi, this is Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This

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Speaker 1: is a podcast where I am giving out solicited advice

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Speaker 1: and sometimes unsolicited and sometimes unsolicited. We all know that

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Speaker 1: I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited

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Speaker 1: advice seems to be my specialty. Um, but I actually

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Speaker 1: do really enjoy giving advice to people, and I am

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Speaker 1: very delighted also to bring to the for my assistant, Brandon,

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Speaker 1: because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he

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Speaker 1: lightens up everyone who's in my life their life as well.

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Speaker 1: He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want

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Speaker 1: to face time with Brandon. My family misses Brandon, like

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Speaker 1: everybody loves Brandon, and he needs to be shared with

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Speaker 1: the world. So I was, yeah, I know, I know,

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Speaker 1: that's probably the first time you're hearing me say any

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Speaker 1: of that. You must be blushed, but you're not. I'm

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Speaker 1: looking at you and you're actually not blushing, So that's weird.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, we have given not only advice to each

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Speaker 1: other on several occasions. You've helped me when I was

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Speaker 1: going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with

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Speaker 1: not being a fucking contall the home. Yes, I'm on

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Speaker 1: a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time

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Speaker 1: where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that i have

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Speaker 1: to be nice, compassion and empathetic, and then there's another

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Speaker 1: period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Yes,

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Speaker 1: there's a peak in a valley. Anyway, You've always been

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Speaker 1: very good at helping me when I've been struggling with

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Speaker 1: you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters,

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Speaker 1: things like that, and also we've given advice together with

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Speaker 1: lots of friends. You know, a lot of my friends

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Speaker 1: come to me when they're in crisis, and I, for

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Speaker 1: some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix

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Speaker 1: a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I

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Speaker 1: no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good

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Speaker 1: in a crisis and sometimes when I have overflowed with patients.

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Speaker 1: You have taken on some of my friends who need

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Speaker 1: help and support that You've contracted me and on a

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Speaker 1: few of your project and you've been doing well. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you have an active case in Canada right now, So

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Speaker 1: how's that going. I'm gonna have to report back because

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Speaker 1: I've not had a status update in a little while,

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Speaker 1: which is concerning, so I'm going to check in today. Actually,

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Speaker 1: this is a good girlfriend of mine who was having

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Speaker 1: trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to

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Speaker 1: talk to her because Brandon was also I was a

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Speaker 1: troubled youth. Yeah. I was a troubled youth too. I

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Speaker 1: was pregnant twice by the time I was fifteen, so

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Speaker 1: I was no walk in the park for my parents,

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Speaker 1: Which is why I think the perspective that we're able

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Speaker 1: to give on some of these is interesting because we're

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Speaker 1: not actually living some of these cases, whether it be

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Speaker 1: with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships, so

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Speaker 1: we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that.

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Speaker 1: I agree with the fact that because neither of us

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Speaker 1: have children, we can give objective feedback about how your

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Speaker 1: children are behaving and your relationship with them because all

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Speaker 1: we do is see people with children. I've seen so

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Speaker 1: many different kinds of parenting in my life, so I

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Speaker 1: do feel like I have an idea about giving advice

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Speaker 1: on the subject matter which will come in handy. So

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Speaker 1: we're going to do all sorts of different types of

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Speaker 1: Mother's Day, right ins Okay, So some that need a

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Speaker 1: perspective on being a mother. Some that have issues with

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Speaker 1: their mother, and you're wearing a necklace on this on

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Speaker 1: this recording day. Is that for any reason in particular? No,

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Speaker 1: that just is how I was feeling this morning when

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Speaker 1: I woke up. But it has no regard to how

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Speaker 1: I feel about Mother's Day, which is I would say

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Speaker 1: my mom is, my mom is dead. Your mom is

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Speaker 1: a hot mess. She is. I always say that she

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Speaker 1: when we frame it that way. I like to say

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Speaker 1: that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and

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Speaker 1: Anna Nicole Smith, because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic,

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Speaker 1: but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a

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Speaker 1: drinking problem. Yeah she's got Yeah, she's just got problems.

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Speaker 1: She's got. She's got a variety of them, and they

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Speaker 1: don't coincide well together, right, they don't live well together.

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Speaker 1: My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite

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Speaker 1: of me. Not. She was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet,

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Speaker 1: but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone, and she

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Speaker 1: was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was

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Speaker 1: like a total homebody mama, bear like snuggly, like you

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Speaker 1: wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would

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Speaker 1: give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about

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Speaker 1: a decade ago. Don't say passed like that. I always

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Speaker 1: find that so, well, did she passed away? Not passed.

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Speaker 1: That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. She

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Speaker 1: did because I talked to my mother every morning and meditation.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I I summoned my mother and I

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Speaker 1: pretend like that she's with me. I actually I have

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Speaker 1: to say with meditation and therapy and all that stuff.

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Speaker 1: Now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to

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Speaker 1: her than I did when she was alive. But was

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Speaker 1: that immediate or as time has gone on now most

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Speaker 1: recently like after you know, learning all the stuff I

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Speaker 1: learned about, like energy and that no one's ever really gone.

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Speaker 1: They just transformed into something else, like a leaf, like

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Speaker 1: a leaf for it. Yea. But yeah, so Mother's Day,

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Speaker 1: the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you

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Speaker 1: did out of respect to mother's right, and that's a

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Speaker 1: necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different

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Speaker 1: types of mothers in our lives. Is something else that

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Speaker 1: I've come to realize as you get older, some people

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Speaker 1: play a motherly role even though they're not your mother

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Speaker 1: or can give you that sort of insight or perspective

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Speaker 1: or nurturing that you need. And so you just have

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Speaker 1: to appreciate all the women in your life for the

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Speaker 1: mother that they do. Yeah. Yeah, And there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of people that remind me of my own mom, you

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Speaker 1: know that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life,

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Speaker 1: but they have that same energy. You know, what was

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Speaker 1: your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just

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Speaker 1: just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like

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Speaker 1: roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her,

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Speaker 1: and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And

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Speaker 1: she was all about food. So that's why I have like,

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Speaker 1: you know, she would make macaroni and cheese, like the

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Speaker 1: really good cheesy kind at like three when we would

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Speaker 1: get home from school. At that point, I was youngest,

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Speaker 1: so I was only yeah, well basically yeah, something of

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Speaker 1: that magnitude of cheese, and it would be home at

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Speaker 1: three o'clock in the afternoon, like and I assume that

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Speaker 1: was a snack, you know, So I would eat that

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Speaker 1: every day and then like I wonder why I have sucking,

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Speaker 1: you know, issues with food is because my mother was

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Speaker 1: feeding me like I was like, we just came out

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Speaker 1: of a war. Was that her love language? Yes? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was yes, I

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Speaker 1: mean love language. I can only assume what that means. Well,

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Speaker 1: you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother.

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Speaker 1: You describe your dogs that you want a dog who

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Speaker 1: wants to cuddle you all the time and just as

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Speaker 1: a little ball that you can curl up into. It

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Speaker 1: wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was burnt,

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Speaker 1: like I wouldn't be any super now. She'd be Bernice,

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Speaker 1: because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My

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Speaker 1: mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where

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Speaker 1: she would come back as a dog just to ignore

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Speaker 1: Your mom must be spirit hopping, because at one point

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Speaker 1: it was chunks spirit. She's just like going from dog

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Speaker 1: to dog, just this one goes. She's like, okay, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna pop on into this one. Yeah. Yeah, but that's

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Speaker 1: something my mother would do, would come back as a

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Speaker 1: dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once

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Speaker 1: I moved to l A, I was really young. I

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Speaker 1: was like nineteen or twenty and I moved to l A.

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Speaker 1: And if I didn't call her like every other day

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Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Every third day she would call

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Speaker 1: me until I called her back. And this was before

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Speaker 1: cell phones, like we're everywhere, you know you had one,

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Speaker 1: But like, I would never answer myself from him, So

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Speaker 1: she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started

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Speaker 1: bringing at four am. I ignored it five am and

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Speaker 1: then I answered it and she was like, this is

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Speaker 1: what happens when you don't call your mother, and then

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Speaker 1: hung up on me. So she woke me up at

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Speaker 1: like those times. So that was her sense of humor,

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Speaker 1: Like yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bit,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not too much of a bit. But she

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Speaker 1: was sharp. Everyone in her family seems to have that gene.

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Speaker 1: They were they're quick. Oh yeah, well that's nice. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you

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Speaker 1: say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick,

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Speaker 1: isn't you know the word? Everyone's just a little bit

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Speaker 1: like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom?

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Speaker 1: It would involve food, probably Martha's vineyard, being on the

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Speaker 1: beach with her, because she would never come to the beach.

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Speaker 1: My mom like never did any of the things that

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Speaker 1: a mother did. She never went to my school conferences

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Speaker 1: on my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick

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Speaker 1: me up from school. She said. I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: it's my birthday. I want you to take me to

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Speaker 1: Launch school literally was down the street. I wrote the

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Speaker 1: letter for her. She signed it. That's how I operated

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Speaker 1: on my whole childhood until I started just forging both

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Speaker 1: of their signatures because I was like, these two are

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Speaker 1: fucking deadweight, like my parents were deadweight. So I wrote this.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, please excuse Chelsea, it's her birthday. I'm taking

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Speaker 1: her a lunch. No one shows, my mother never shows,

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Speaker 1: and I walk home. I'm fuming, so I have to

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Speaker 1: go back to class. I have not gotten out to

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Speaker 1: Launch on my birthday. I'm so pissed. You know, I'm

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Speaker 1: nine years old, so it's everything. I walk home, I

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Speaker 1: storm it, and I just remember fucking going off on

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Speaker 1: my mother, like how could you leave me on my birthday?

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Speaker 1: How could you fucking do that? Do you understand all

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Speaker 1: I ask of you is to do one thing, and

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Speaker 1: that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I

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Speaker 1: was picking you up. I picked you up, and she

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Speaker 1: picked me up, But she never came into the school

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Speaker 1: to sign me out, Like she just sat at this

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Speaker 1: parking lot that I come out to at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, you know, on the days she did

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Speaker 1: decide to pick me up, and she didn't even understand

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Speaker 1: that you had to go in and sign your child out,

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Speaker 1: like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. And no, no,

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Speaker 1: she couldn't. And she was tired all the time, so

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Speaker 1: she must have been depressed. Now, in retrospect, all signs

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Speaker 1: leading I mean, being married and my father could not

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Speaker 1: have been uplifting. You have two sisters, Which of you

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Speaker 1: three has more of your mom? Nice sister Shoshana for sure.

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Speaker 1: But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your

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Speaker 1: mother so you can bring people up to speed on

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Speaker 1: the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother

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Speaker 1: has been divorced like six times. Okay, why don't you

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Speaker 1: start with that. By the way, mom, if you're listening,

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Speaker 1: nice to meet you know, i've met her before over

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Speaker 1: the phone. I think I don't know anyway. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: she's just in that regard. Yeah, she's been married times.

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Speaker 1: And the one thing I try and keep a positive

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Speaker 1: outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in

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Speaker 1: that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped

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Speaker 1: looking for love, and I think that most people become

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Speaker 1: jaded by that if they don't find it the first

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Speaker 1: second or third time. But no, no, no, not her.

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Speaker 1: She's not going to stop. That's an optimistic way of

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Speaker 1: looking at it. So, yeah, she's just a woman with

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Speaker 1: some issues. How was she growing up? How what kind

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Speaker 1: of mother was she when you were growing up? Again,

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Speaker 1: it was super high or super low. She was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together,

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Speaker 1: and she's so pretty and she could do she was

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Speaker 1: like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you showed me a picture of her. She was the

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Speaker 1: woman at Lancomb who went around the US and like

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Speaker 1: this is when department store makeup artists were like if

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Speaker 1: you were one of those, you had your face on

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Speaker 1: posters that you were coming in. And she was a

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Speaker 1: projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her

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Speaker 1: open Bay caree. Like she's done everything. So I always

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Speaker 1: thought of her as like a real life Barbie. There's

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Speaker 1: nothing she couldn't do. And she's a single mom with

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Speaker 1: four kids, and you know, that cause issues of its own,

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Speaker 1: but she always worked like three jobs to take care

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Speaker 1: of us. So so I have a tender spot for

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Speaker 1: any woman who I see going through something is I

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Speaker 1: know that all of those people are just one bad

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Speaker 1: decision away from being homeless, basically, so I try and

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Speaker 1: be as empathetic as possible, even to my you know, mother,

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Speaker 1: who I have no contact with, because she's just well,

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Speaker 1: that's not true. You you don't have no contact with her.

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Speaker 1: You did call the police on her in her local

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Speaker 1: city to let them know that she was drinking and

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Speaker 1: driving and gave them her license plate number. So I

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Speaker 1: would say that that's a not direct contract, but that's

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Speaker 1: that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I

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Speaker 1: think that's fucking awesome. So we have to sometimes we

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Speaker 1: end up parenting our parents, and that's okay, Yeah, we

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Speaker 1: have to hold people accountable, right, I think that's true.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people parent their parents. I

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Speaker 1: didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm

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Speaker 1: the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to

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Speaker 1: parent my parents. But I definitely see you parenting your mom,

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Speaker 1: and I mean us, because it's not me. I find

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Speaker 1: it hilarious, Like, I find it hilarious. Your mother has

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Speaker 1: to be like that you freeze her out and that

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Speaker 1: you don't talk to her when she misbehaves, and that

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Speaker 1: you're not willing to funk around. I think it's really funny. No,

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Speaker 1: I don't work around. I can't. I mean at this juncture,

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Speaker 1: I'm thirty two years old, Like, I'm not gonna put

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Speaker 1: up with that sort of behavior. And this is one

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Speaker 1: of those situations in life that as you get older,

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Speaker 1: if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people

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Speaker 1: who are going to listen to this have that dynamic

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Speaker 1: with their parents, those are relationships you want, Those are

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Speaker 1: not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction,

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Speaker 1: things become much easier. Yeah, I mean you say that

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Speaker 1: a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus

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Speaker 1: relationships you need, like a parent child relationship. But a

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Speaker 1: lot of people think that you need that. They don't

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Speaker 1: understand that you can divorce your parents or your son,

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Speaker 1: and they don't have an ability to do it. Well,

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Speaker 1: everyone has the ability to do it, because I've done.

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Speaker 1: I was so codependent for so long, mean, we were

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Speaker 1: in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like,

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Speaker 1: what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great,

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Speaker 1: And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment.

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Speaker 1: And when you do, you feel so much more powerful

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Speaker 1: in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, well you're not behold in,

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Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. I think we should take a quick

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Speaker 1: break and then we'll come back and you want to

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Speaker 1: start taking some callers, Yes, I would love to. We'll

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Speaker 1: be right back. So our first mission comes from Billy,

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Speaker 1: who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get.

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Speaker 1: You get very excited when you talk about submissions. I

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Speaker 1: like that you take it seriously. You better hang on.

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Speaker 1: You've got quite a few today. Okay, Well I think better. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So his name is Billy, he's thirty three, and he's

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Speaker 1: from Minneapolis, and he writes, Dear Chelsea. I was raised

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Speaker 1: an only and adopted child by my parents who are

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Speaker 1: not able to conceive. My whole life has been based

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Speaker 1: on my ability to be the perfect offspring. At thirty

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Speaker 1: three years old, I still carry some of that baggage

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Speaker 1: and feel like a failure. Being adopted as a blessing

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Speaker 1: and occurs you feel wanted, but you need to deliver.

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Speaker 1: My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality,

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Speaker 1: but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when

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Speaker 1: you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth

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Speaker 1: mother when I was eighteen. I soon found out that

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Speaker 1: she married my birth father and had three more children

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Speaker 1: after putting me up for adoption. How do you move

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Speaker 1: forward from an event like that and successfully seek and

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Speaker 1: identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing

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Speaker 1: issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide

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Speaker 1: some insight on how you have built yours. In the

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Speaker 1: past few years, there have been multiple debts within the family,

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Speaker 1: including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my

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Speaker 1: adoptive mother. I want to move forward with my life

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Speaker 1: in a different part of the country, but I know

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Speaker 1: it will kill her. She's the only family I have left,

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Speaker 1: and I need to develop myself somewhere else. Any thoughts

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Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Billy, Oh, my god, that is just

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Speaker 1: so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there,

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Speaker 1: but he's on the phone, so I think that we

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Speaker 1: should get a little additional insight. Billy, h were you hi?

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Speaker 1: Thank you for your letter. I mean that is a

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Speaker 1: lot to handle. Yes, yes, it is, but that's life right. Well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because there's a lot to say here, Like you know, instinctively,

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Speaker 1: I would always tell everybody to just like reach for

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Speaker 1: their dreams and and go for it and take a

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Speaker 1: huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But

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Speaker 1: then you say, your adoptive mother is a widow and

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Speaker 1: she's there alone and you're all she has, so there's

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Speaker 1: a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there

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Speaker 1: any chance of your adoptive mother. We're going to get

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Speaker 1: to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but

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Speaker 1: is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be

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Speaker 1: willing to relocate with you, not like live together, but

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Speaker 1: relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so,

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Speaker 1: because her roots are pretty deep in that area, just

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Speaker 1: because that's where she lived with my dad for so long.

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Speaker 1: But I think overall, just because she and I have

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Speaker 1: had a very tight knit relationship for a long time,

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Speaker 1: and I think honestly moving away would be the best

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Speaker 1: for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like

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Speaker 1: you already have the answer to that question, s jan

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Speaker 1: If you know that intellectually, then all you have to

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Speaker 1: do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it

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Speaker 1: seems like, you know, you don't have to go where

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Speaker 1: Where does she live? She lives about an hour and

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Speaker 1: twenty minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even

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Speaker 1: farther all the way up to the main main Uh huh, Okay, Well,

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Speaker 1: I think you deserve to do whatever you want to

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Speaker 1: do with your life, you know, if you really want

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Speaker 1: to take a leap of faith and try something new.

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Speaker 1: I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever

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Speaker 1: regret making a move like that. You know, it might

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Speaker 1: test your relationship, or it might make you closer with

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Speaker 1: your mother because you haven't been a part and so

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of codependency there. So and then let's

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Speaker 1: get back to this adopted stuff about you and your

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Speaker 1: adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That

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Speaker 1: must feel like it's very very personal. Yes, um, my

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00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,920
Speaker 1: birth mother got pregnant when she was nineteen. She was

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Speaker 1: broken up with my birth father at the time, did

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Speaker 1: not tell him that she was pregnant, and ended up

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Speaker 1: having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling

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Speaker 1: him for eighteen years. Okay, well, then there you go

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Speaker 1: with the explanation for that reasoning, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So are you able to excise yourself from the idea

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Speaker 1: that you were rejected because are you pass that or

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Speaker 1: is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes.

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Speaker 1: I mean I met them when I was eighteen, so

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Speaker 1: it's been a few years and so there's been a

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Speaker 1: lot of processing through it. Some days are good, some

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Speaker 1: days are bad. But I mean it's one of those

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Speaker 1: things that you go back to and you think over

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Speaker 1: a little bit too hard. But then at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, it's like, I would not have the

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Speaker 1: life that I have right now if it wasn't for

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Speaker 1: that action that she did. And so there's just the

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Speaker 1: acceptance peace. Yeah, absolutely, and I what God? And do

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Speaker 1: you still have communication with your biological parents now? Uh?

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Speaker 1: Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth

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Speaker 1: mother has a very severe mental illness challenge, and it's well,

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Speaker 1: there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being

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Speaker 1: raised by her, So there you go. Yeah exactly. But

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Speaker 1: I would urge you to really understand the value that

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00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,400
Speaker 1: you have just by being here, like you're not here

380
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Speaker 1: by accident. People go back to negative narratives like oh god, well,

381
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Speaker 1: why did my parents do that? Why why didn't she

382
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Speaker 1: tell him? For eighteen years? Maybe my life would have

383
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,880
Speaker 1: been different, Like your life isn't different. And the only

384
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,160
Speaker 1: way to capitalize on what you're going through right now

385
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,600
Speaker 1: is to be grateful and to accept it and to

386
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Speaker 1: do what's in your best interest for you to thrive

387
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Speaker 1: as a person and not to be depending on any

388
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Speaker 1: of these people in your life, right right, completely agree. Well,

389
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Speaker 1: and you know, between going to school and I'm an

390
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,240
Speaker 1: alcohol and drug counselor as well, you're gonna I'm an alcoholic,

391
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Speaker 1: I'm like, no, ship, I wouldn't be too, No, not

392
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,080
Speaker 1: for the moment um. Yeah, but I every day I

393
00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:54,760
Speaker 1: talked to clients about what it's like to are asking

394
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,399
Speaker 1: them to search for their own identity as well. And

395
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,520
Speaker 1: I was actually just looking at my own life and

396
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,480
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, I haven't been really walking

397
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:05,200
Speaker 1: this walk either, And so you know, identity is based

398
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:09,440
Speaker 1: on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences, right,

399
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 1: And so that's why I just wanted to pick your

400
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,560
Speaker 1: brain on it, because it's something you can't ignore it forever. Yeah,

401
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,280
Speaker 1: and your identity isn't based on your birth mother or

402
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,320
Speaker 1: your adoptive mother or your adoptive father. Your identity is

403
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:24,560
Speaker 1: based on how you handle your life situation, on what

404
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,879
Speaker 1: you do with your life moving far, like taking a

405
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,199
Speaker 1: leap of faith and moving to Maine and taking that

406
00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:33,760
Speaker 1: risk is going to reap probably a lot of happiness

407
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,639
Speaker 1: in your life. I would surmise, Brandon, what what what

408
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,399
Speaker 1: do you have to say on the matter. I agree.

409
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,080
Speaker 1: I think that I'm also a gay man and have

410
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,920
Speaker 1: a very complicated relationship with my mother, and I think

411
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Speaker 1: that the amount of insight you will receive from removing

412
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,439
Speaker 1: yourself from that daily habit with her and starting a

413
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,119
Speaker 1: life for yourself somewhere that then you're kind of forced

414
00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:57,720
Speaker 1: to communicate in a different way and leverage your time

415
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,000
Speaker 1: together when you have it, versus it just being said

416
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,120
Speaker 1: too consistent part of your life. That if you never

417
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,480
Speaker 1: make that choice, you could end up being resentful for

418
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,840
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. And it's kind of a mental and emotional

419
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 1: move at the same time. Because you know where I'm

420
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,159
Speaker 1: from originally, you know, growing up in a really small

421
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,760
Speaker 1: town as a gay person where it really wasn't allowed

422
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,840
Speaker 1: when I was young. Anyway, there's this whole There's just

423
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,879
Speaker 1: been a lot of levels to the identity piece that

424
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,359
Speaker 1: have been just kind of haunting and just that overshadowing

425
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,159
Speaker 1: of everything that I've been doing for the past on

426
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 1: teen years. And I think that this move just kind

427
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:38,159
Speaker 1: of represents moving forward on like ten different levels. And

428
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,040
Speaker 1: so yeah, I would agree back to something that you

429
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,080
Speaker 1: guys just mentioned. Do you think that being a gay

430
00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:46,600
Speaker 1: man complicates your relationship with your mother or you're just

431
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,760
Speaker 1: as saying that you're a gay man who also has

432
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:53,119
Speaker 1: a complicated relationship with your mom. You know, this is

433
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,879
Speaker 1: an interesting question because yeah, I would say both to

434
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,320
Speaker 1: some degree. I think that most from my perspective, most

435
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,480
Speaker 1: gay men have complicated relationships with their mother. It's either

436
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:07,600
Speaker 1: an over like an overly codependent relationship, or it's competitive

437
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,800
Speaker 1: to a certain degree. And what are you competing about, Like,

438
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 1: for I don't know what the competition is, but it's

439
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,120
Speaker 1: just that there's like a dynamic that you feel like

440
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,399
Speaker 1: it's one upping, like someone always has to be better

441
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 1: than the other with your mother. To some degree, yeah,

442
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,560
Speaker 1: I see that with a lot of my friends that

443
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,879
Speaker 1: if it's not super codependent, like five phone calls a day.

444
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,919
Speaker 1: Then there's an underlying jealousy to some degree, and I

445
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,080
Speaker 1: don't know where that stems from. I don't know if

446
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,720
Speaker 1: it's I think competitive, though might be the wrong word.

447
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: There's something it's gamesmanship, right, yeah, it's games What about you, Billy?

448
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,920
Speaker 1: Is that is that true for you? I think there's

449
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 1: an extra responsibility and this is just my opinion, but

450
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 1: I think there's an extra responsibility for gay men to

451
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,160
Speaker 1: take care of their mother's And I don't know if

452
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,480
Speaker 1: there's some of that dynamic between the father, if there

453
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 1: is a father figure where that gets in the way

454
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: of what the relationship with the mother supposed to be like.

455
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,080
Speaker 1: But with my personal experience, you know, it was my

456
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,679
Speaker 1: mom and me, and then it was my dad and

457
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 1: so we we had a relationship that kind of represented

458
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,199
Speaker 1: a partnership, and then he got kind of pushed to

459
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,159
Speaker 1: the side because of his own shortcomings for lack of

460
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 1: a better term, right, Right, It's like being in a

461
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 1: threesome and you're the one at the end of the bed.

462
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,440
Speaker 1: And can I just say this is another part about

463
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:27,240
Speaker 1: your identity and trying to become a fully realized adult.

464
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,200
Speaker 1: Basically outside of this one thing in life, your adoption

465
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,040
Speaker 1: that for a lot of people really determine the trajectory

466
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,399
Speaker 1: of what they're going to do. You see it so

467
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,720
Speaker 1: much with adopted kids that can't get themselves out of

468
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 1: that one aspect of who they are. And my mom

469
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,840
Speaker 1: is adopted and the thing that I wish for her

470
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,879
Speaker 1: that again, this is like we spoke about at the

471
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,959
Speaker 1: beginning of this episode, like she has a lot of issues,

472
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,560
Speaker 1: but being able to leverage a different perspective that being

473
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: adopted gives you. So many people find it, you know,

474
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: it's so negative. There are so many harmful repercussions that

475
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,840
Speaker 1: they see if it's not hand it in a certain way.

476
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,879
Speaker 1: But you now have tools and you now have a

477
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:07,480
Speaker 1: perspective a lot of people don't having met your biological parents,

478
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,480
Speaker 1: knowing your adoptive parents and what sort of life they've

479
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: provided you. So it's important, like Chelsea's that change the

480
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 1: narrative of it being a negative thing to being a positive, like,

481
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,880
Speaker 1: look at what I've gotten to experience. You have a bone,

482
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,199
Speaker 1: as they say in Sweden. In Sweden, you have a

483
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,359
Speaker 1: bonus family, Like you have all these bonus people in

484
00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: your life that you didn't get to. You know, you

485
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,239
Speaker 1: have to look at these things in life like we

486
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,440
Speaker 1: have to take the negative experiences and turn them into positives.

487
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 1: That's our responsibility because that's really the only control you have,

488
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,080
Speaker 1: And you have all these things sound positive. Look at you.

489
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 1: You're normal, you're saying you're you're smart, you're good looking,

490
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,440
Speaker 1: You're about to move to Maine, and you know, like

491
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,199
Speaker 1: all this great stuff is happening. So yeah, I'm not

492
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: worried about you for a second. You're getting into like

493
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,560
Speaker 1: being a fully realized man. Well, thank you very much

494
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 1: for that. It just sometimes feels like, even as someone

495
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 1: in their early thirties, I feel like some days I'm twelves,

496
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 1: some days I might five years old, And it just

497
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,199
Speaker 1: gets like I think that's just been the human condition

498
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,560
Speaker 1: in general. Each day we wake up kind of either

499
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 1: able to handle X, Y and Z or just kind

500
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,560
Speaker 1: of want to hide. Yeah, yeah, I just remember, you're

501
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 1: not the only but you're not the only person thinking

502
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:18,159
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. You know exactly exactly. Well, thank you

503
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,320
Speaker 1: so much, Billy. Please keep us posted, let us know

504
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,200
Speaker 1: if you make the move. We'd like to keep track

505
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,200
Speaker 1: of the story. And I want to make sure you

506
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,720
Speaker 1: reach out to both of your mothers on Mother's Day now,

507
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 1: just as a nice jester. Just as a nice jester. Yeah,

508
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,800
Speaker 1: for sure, want and maybe reach out to a mother

509
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,959
Speaker 1: that you don't know a stranger. Absolutely, okay, thanks, thank you,

510
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,719
Speaker 1: Billy Bye. I like Billy Billy had a feeling. Oh

511
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 1: that was really sincere. And like I feel like Dr

512
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 1: Phil right now. And I feel like Dr Phil with

513
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 1: his wife. You know how his wife goes to work

514
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 1: with him. That's like us. It's like I go to

515
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,439
Speaker 1: work and then you come with me. Did you have

516
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 1: someone that you loved in daytime? I love to sell

517
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 1: Jesse Rafael. You mean Sally Jessica Rafael. Yes, No, that's

518
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 1: not right. I just made that up. Okay, So you

519
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,640
Speaker 1: can't agree with everything I say. I mean that that

520
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,959
Speaker 1: doesn't That doesn't lend credibility to me. I'm wrong so

521
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:14,919
Speaker 1: much in those ways that when you do correct me,

522
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,920
Speaker 1: typically you are right. So now I default to trusting

523
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,200
Speaker 1: you if you say something like that that I was wrong. Right. Oh,

524
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: I'm hosting Ellen The Ellen Show. Speaking of daytime. You

525
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,000
Speaker 1: know when I think the dates are June and July one,

526
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 1: they are correct, Yes, so you can look out for that. Okay,

527
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,480
Speaker 1: what else do we have today. Okay. Our next submission

528
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 1: comes from a woman named Carly. She's thirty five. We

529
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,400
Speaker 1: don't know where she is, but she's having some issues

530
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 1: with her mother. So let's see what you think about this.

531
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,760
Speaker 1: She says, Hi, Chelsea, coming to you is the final resort.

532
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: I've attempted to make peace via mental health professionals who

533
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,360
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to trust, but it hasn't gotten me very far.

534
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: I saw your post and thought to myself, why not.

535
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,199
Speaker 1: I have nothing left to lose. My mother is a

536
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 1: complete narcissist who emotionally and sometimes physically a used everyone

537
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 1: in my family. My dad is dead now, and since

538
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 1: he's died, the gloves have really come off. The family

539
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,120
Speaker 1: has fallen apart, and we're all estranged. I couldn't see

540
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 1: any end to my mother's emotional abuse. I created a

541
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 1: boundary and said, unless my mom goes to counseling to

542
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 1: build a healthy relationship in a safe space, we will

543
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 1: not have a relationship. She said she won't be bullied

544
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,879
Speaker 1: into going to counseling. I'm wondering if I should let

545
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: it all go except who she is, knowing that she'll

546
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: probably hurt me again, or if I should continue to

547
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,959
Speaker 1: hold my boundary. I also have a daughter now who

548
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,280
Speaker 1: I need to protect after seeing my mom's abuse of

549
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,399
Speaker 1: my niece. She's seventy and won't be around much longer.

550
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 1: I really miss her and need my mom. But also

551
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,480
Speaker 1: she's such a huge count. If I decided to keep

552
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 1: her out of my life, how do I prevent the

553
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,399
Speaker 1: issue from eating me up and turning me into a

554
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 1: bitter cunt to Society really doesn't like to talk about

555
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,960
Speaker 1: the fact that there are moms who don't love their kids.

556
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: Although I'm almost thirty five, I feel doomed to live

557
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,879
Speaker 1: a life and a perpetual and fantilized state because I

558
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 1: can't grow past the trauma of my mom wanting me

559
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Mothers are mothers like that? Are cunts,

560
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 1: They are brandon This is a field. This is your wheeled, wheeledhouse.

561
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 1: This is your field house. Now this is your wheelhouse.

562
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,680
Speaker 1: These submissions make me realize everyone has an issue. Well

563
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 1: that's not only that, though, but it's just like, you know,

564
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 1: mothers who act like that and who are not supportive

565
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,880
Speaker 1: to their children are baffling. Why would you go through

566
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 1: that to bring a child into this world to not

567
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 1: be able to put your best to it, you know,

568
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 1: like do it? Well, did you always know you did

569
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,199
Speaker 1: not want to be a mom? I knew because I

570
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a good mother because I'm a selfish cunt,

571
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 1: That's why. And once you realize that makes everything else.

572
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,439
Speaker 1: So yeah, but it's like, come come on, you know,

573
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,120
Speaker 1: these poor kids have to grow up thinking that their

574
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,600
Speaker 1: mother doesn't love them or their mother rejected them. I mean,

575
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 1: how many people in this world have to experience that.

576
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,160
Speaker 1: It's so it's so sad to think of. Let's talk

577
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 1: to Carly about it. I think she's on the phone. Well,

578
00:27:58,080 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: that was a long letter. She's going to follow it

579
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 1: up up. Hi, Hi Carly, Hello, Hi, Oh my god,

580
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,160
Speaker 1: I felt so bad reading it. Well, Brandon just read

581
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 1: me your submission, your letter, and it's just such a

582
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,960
Speaker 1: bummer that your mother is like that. Yeah, I mean,

583
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: so what's the status? Now, what's your situation? First of all,

584
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,520
Speaker 1: Brandon has a lot of expertise in this area because

585
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 1: his mom is a hot mess, so he's probably gonna

586
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: take the leader or not. You're not alone. And first

587
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: of all, you look so beautiful. Ye just thinks I

588
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 1: tried really hard. Oh well, you look really adorable. Thanks. Yeah,

589
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,399
Speaker 1: I actually joined a couple of groups on Facebook that

590
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: are like daughters of Narcissistic Moms and like, you scroll

591
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 1: through the stories and every single one is exactly the same.

592
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 1: And that kind of made me feel better because I

593
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,680
Speaker 1: felt really isolated in my experience because I know so

594
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: many people with great relationships with their moms. But um,

595
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 1: the status now. Actually, after I wrote you that thing,

596
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: I don't know why. Just for the next three days,

597
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: I it was really contemplating whether I should or not,

598
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,560
Speaker 1: and then I just said fuck it. I did it

599
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 1: one morning and she was surprised at first, like me

600
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 1: and say hi without crying. I just felt like such

601
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 1: a little bit, but yeah, I just said, can we

602
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: just move forward and be nice to each other? And like,

603
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 1: funk the past? Who cares? I don't care because she's

604
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: she's hung up on the past, like I can't let

605
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,480
Speaker 1: it go. And she was like, I don't know, I'm

606
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: pretty happy now and I don't really want you to

607
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: ruin that. So like she my dad passed away in

608
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: and she's with a new man now, so and so

609
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that was a no go on the counseling.

610
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: Oh no, she she's like fully against it, which is

611
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 1: hilarious because she's used to tell me when I was

612
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 1: younger that only truly crazy people won't go to counseling.

613
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,720
Speaker 1: Most people who are in counseling are in it for

614
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: people who won't go. Well, I mean that's a very

615
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with a very similar situation. So again, I

616
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 1: feel your pain and I know the struggle. And people

617
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 1: who feel like they know more than everyone else, we'll

618
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 1: never go counseling because they don't they don't want to

619
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 1: do the work that takes really correct to these issues.

620
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,320
Speaker 1: So it's a battle you can't win. But I do

621
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 1: think that there's power and accepting that and accepting what

622
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,080
Speaker 1: type of relationship you're willing to have with your mom.

623
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,080
Speaker 1: Like for me, right now, it's no relationship, And so

624
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: you just have to make the best decision that you

625
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: know you're operating in a way that you can look

626
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:25,240
Speaker 1: back on it in ten, fifteen, twenty years whenever she's

627
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,920
Speaker 1: gone and know like I operated in my best interests

628
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 1: in this way. Yeah, I feel like anything in my life,

629
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 1: I even with boyfriends and stuff, as long as I

630
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,400
Speaker 1: know I really gave it my all. I'm okay to

631
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 1: move forward. It's just always going to hurt. I don't know.

632
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 1: It's also just impossible to deal with narcissists. Like I

633
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: have a friend who's going through a divorce, and I

634
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 1: have another friend who's just getting out of you know,

635
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,440
Speaker 1: her divorce is finalized, but same thing. And it's like,

636
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 1: you know, they're reading books about dealing with narcissists, and

637
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 1: you know about how difficult it is and what kind

638
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: of number they pull on you, what they you to

639
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,880
Speaker 1: you mentally, because they they literally have a way of

640
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 1: eating away at your self confidence, at your self security,

641
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,880
Speaker 1: your ability to make a decision. You know, you become

642
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: indecisive because you're not sure that your decision has value.

643
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,480
Speaker 1: So it's not talked about as much as you know

644
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,479
Speaker 1: it probably will be in the next decade or two,

645
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: because people seem to be really talking about mental health now.

646
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 1: But like dealing with a narcissist is, it has a

647
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 1: very deleterious impact on all of us. You have to

648
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:33,320
Speaker 1: take that into consideration. It's like it's almost like you're

649
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: injured and you can't identify the injury, so you're acting

650
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 1: in the weakness of the injury. Yet you know you're

651
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:43,640
Speaker 1: only really choosing to be injured. Yeah, every single person

652
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 1: in that group I'm in says they'd rather, they would

653
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: have rather gotten hit so they could see, like, hey,

654
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,280
Speaker 1: this person did this to me and people would give

655
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:55,000
Speaker 1: them compassion. But my mom is amazing at everyone in

656
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: my whole life. Your mom is so amazing, she's so nice,

657
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 1: she's so this, she's so Then it's like, I don't know,

658
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: I was going to bring up at Astra. I don't

659
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 1: know if you've seen it, probably, but the movie, Yeah,

660
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,520
Speaker 1: how Brad Pitt. That movie was really therapeutic for me

661
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: when Brad Pitt like literally went across the fucking solar

662
00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:19,480
Speaker 1: system to connect with his father and he gets there

663
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: and the dad's like, nah, I'm good. Yeah, his dad

664
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 1: was still an asshole. He's like fun, so he just

665
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: floats off in this space. It's like, that's why I

666
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: admire Brandon, like the way you handle your mom so much,

667
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: because I'm always fascinated by people who insist on a

668
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 1: relationship with their parents when they when they've been molested

669
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: or god forbid, something they're beaten, you know, like something terrible,

670
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 1: and they still desire the relationship between the father and

671
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: the mother. And it's like, I know a girl who

672
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 1: is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who

673
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 1: molested her, who is her father, and I cannot understand

674
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,720
Speaker 1: that it's a conditioning And Carli, I don't know if

675
00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 1: you'll agree with us, but there's a certain level of

676
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,600
Speaker 1: gaslighting that goes on with parents and their kids that

677
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,880
Speaker 1: you are made to believe that this behavior is appropriate

678
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 1: or it's a result of your behavior. That they are

679
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: not in control of what they do, it's because they're

680
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: reacting to what you're doing. It's all such a mind fuck.

681
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,320
Speaker 1: The thing I'm pissed about is that, like, now that

682
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five, I don't know. It's taken me still

683
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,360
Speaker 1: now to have just a faint idea of what a

684
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 1: healthy relationship is. Like I look back at my boyfriends

685
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: and it's like I thought the way they were treating

686
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: me was normal. Meanwhile they were stealing from me, they

687
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,479
Speaker 1: were emotionally abusing me, gas lighting all this ship. And

688
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,120
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, I just I don't know. Do you

689
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 1: have a what's your story? Now? You have a daughter?

690
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 1: You said, yeah, she just spoke up. Do you want

691
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 1: to see her? Sure? I'm alone I'm alone with her,

692
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:54,040
Speaker 1: so I kind of multitasking. Can I wait in two seconds? No? No,

693
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 1: go ahead and grab her. But don't expect me to

694
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 1: get too excited around a baby. I mean, I can

695
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 1: you know they're cute for a second. Oh, she's sweet,

696
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 1: she's really cute. Yes, but she's very timid, Like you

697
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 1: can tell that there's a lot of baggage here, which

698
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:10,880
Speaker 1: is unfortunate but seeming. It's one of those things that

699
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 1: not a lot of people talk about. Either they're dynamic

700
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 1: with their parents. That's Oh and she woke up smiling.

701
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:27,000
Speaker 1: This is like an ad for pregnancy or penetration or something. Yeah,

702
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:29,239
Speaker 1: I didn't think I could give fregnant and then I did.

703
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: And I'm really I was like one of those like

704
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 1: my whole twenties, right up until my early thirties, not

705
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:40,360
Speaker 1: having kids, never having kids, and then it's just yeah,

706
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,759
Speaker 1: who's the father of the baby. His name is Anthony.

707
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:48,960
Speaker 1: Are you guys together or um, we're not exactly together. No.

708
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: And that's the thing is like, that's what I'm kind

709
00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:54,440
Speaker 1: of what brought it up is because like I hate

710
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:56,279
Speaker 1: that I don't know how to stay in a relationship

711
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,799
Speaker 1: like I just had such a bad example set for me.

712
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,440
Speaker 1: So I think once you've got your mother out of

713
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:03,919
Speaker 1: your life, which I think we're going to recommend doing,

714
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 1: I think you're going to start to value yourself a

715
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:10,680
Speaker 1: little bit more without that drama beat of negativity and

716
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,760
Speaker 1: you should and a you need to break the cycle

717
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,160
Speaker 1: for your daughter. It's fucking hard work. I've been encounting

718
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 1: since I was fifteen, and like, yeah, a lot of

719
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:23,359
Speaker 1: people now are like, your daughter is going to reap

720
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,279
Speaker 1: all the benefits, and I can. I can definitely feel that,

721
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,279
Speaker 1: but it is hard being the one that has to

722
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,879
Speaker 1: break it. Yeah, I understand, but you know, as a mother,

723
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 1: that is your responsibility to break the cycle. It's not

724
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,319
Speaker 1: having a daughter would help me understand my mom more,

725
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: like just going through that and ship and like, I

726
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: definitely understand way less. Like I think about saying or

727
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,879
Speaker 1: doing some of the ship that she said, did does

728
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 1: and it just seems so ridiculous, so absolutely insured. But

729
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,799
Speaker 1: I think that's part of it is that you have

730
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,759
Speaker 1: to be able to remove yourself from that and the

731
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,280
Speaker 1: decisions that she made because those aren't all inherited traits,

732
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 1: Like you're never going to be able to rationalize some

733
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: of her behavior, you're because it's tied to a mental

734
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:04,879
Speaker 1: health issue, something that she had going on that you're

735
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,359
Speaker 1: never going to be able to understand. But you're doing

736
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,319
Speaker 1: the hardest part, which is the self assessment now of

737
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,840
Speaker 1: what you don't want to create, the dynamic with your daughter,

738
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 1: the behavioral patterns that you want to break, and the

739
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 1: fact that you've been able to identify those things, Like

740
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 1: that's the hardest part. Knowing that you want to make

741
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,839
Speaker 1: a change is what's going to set you forward. Yeah,

742
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 1: it's just like I was explaining it to my friend,

743
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,400
Speaker 1: and it's like having a beast in a cage inside

744
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 1: of you at all times, Like I feel that shitty

745
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:40,759
Speaker 1: generational animosity or hostility or whatever it is, this pent

746
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:42,880
Speaker 1: up ship. But it sounds like you're on top of

747
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: your game. It sounds like you're you're cranking all of

748
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,400
Speaker 1: this stuff back and you are kind of like, um,

749
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 1: learning that behavior. You know, right, it's hard to it's hard.

750
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:54,600
Speaker 1: It's really hard to know whether or not to have

751
00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,280
Speaker 1: in my life. I don't think you should. We're both selling,

752
00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 1: you know. Let me just say this. My girlfriend from

753
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 1: hays Well just extricated her parents from her life. She

754
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 1: wrote them a letter. There were assholes for years and

755
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 1: years and years lost drama in that family and she's

756
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:12,720
Speaker 1: never felt better. Just as an aside in the same

757
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 1: the same situation with me is that I cut off

758
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 1: all communication and I did it multiple times in my life.

759
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 1: The longest time was two and a half years. I'm

760
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 1: at like nine months right now. When you have that

761
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:28,439
Speaker 1: space from that person who first of all, they're giving

762
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 1: that little beasts that you talk about power, So you

763
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 1: remove them from that and you have so much more

764
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 1: awareness of what's really going on in your life and

765
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 1: what power they've had on you, or that you've allowed

766
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: them to influence in your life. And as soon as

767
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 1: you get some time apart, it just puts things into

768
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,400
Speaker 1: perspective and you realize what you're not going to allow

769
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:51,279
Speaker 1: anymore in your dynamic. Also, a narcissist needs the interaction.

770
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 1: So that's why I don't tell my sisters what to do.

771
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:55,880
Speaker 1: I have three sisters. I let them all make their

772
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,879
Speaker 1: own decisions. I don't agree with them. Three brothers. What's

773
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: up with your brothers? Are they talk in your mom

774
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:05,400
Speaker 1: um ones? In Australia? The other one no, she like

775
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:09,720
Speaker 1: took him to court when he was younger. Yeah, she's brutal.

776
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: And then um, my other ones in Florida. That's my

777
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:16,680
Speaker 1: dad's son. Though my sister and I are biological full siblings.

778
00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:19,879
Speaker 1: So and does your sister talk to your mom? Well?

779
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,839
Speaker 1: Then hello, yeah, stop talking to your mom. You need

780
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,360
Speaker 1: to listen to us and stop talking to your mother. Okay,

781
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:27,560
Speaker 1: I mean either do that for like, at least commit

782
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,360
Speaker 1: to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously,

783
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,920
Speaker 1: I want you to commit to not talking to your

784
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: mom and report back. Okay, okay, okay, Carly, do we

785
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: have a pinky swear? Brandon? Give us a pinky swear?

786
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,439
Speaker 1: Brendon and I are pinky swearing on your behalf. There

787
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 1: you go. Oh that's cute. Keeping families together, that's what

788
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:49,240
Speaker 1: we're calling our podcast. Well, not your mom, but anyway,

789
00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:54,880
Speaker 1: thank you, car please, Okay, poor Carly? What the funk

790
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 1: is wrong with everybody? Brandon? I don't know, but you

791
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: know what she I just can't believe mother's you. I

792
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: guess it's that's comes from my own narrow viewed life

793
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:05,359
Speaker 1: experience because my mom was such a mom, like in

794
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 1: you know, sweet in that sense. Well, and anyone who's

795
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 1: listening to this, I guess I would hope that that

796
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 1: would be a perspective they take, is that not all

797
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 1: these relationships and maybe this is not a feel good episode,

798
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,680
Speaker 1: but everyone has issues in their life. Everyone has a

799
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:22,759
Speaker 1: different relationship with their mother. Nothing is appropriate or not appropriate,

800
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 1: like with the expectations that we set on these relationships,

801
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: but they're all different. They are different. But it's just

802
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 1: such a bummer to hear about jealous moms or narcissistic moms.

803
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:34,799
Speaker 1: It's like, how can you do that if you're having

804
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:38,120
Speaker 1: a child. I guess it's very probably prevalent. You know,

805
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,359
Speaker 1: it's a bunch of narcissists having babies. But this is

806
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,800
Speaker 1: also interesting that two of the submissions so far have

807
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 1: been people who may or may not should not have

808
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,279
Speaker 1: had kids. Well, you can't say should not. I think

809
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,920
Speaker 1: there's some people who will be society conditions women that

810
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,080
Speaker 1: they should have a friend who has kids who shouldn't

811
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 1: and you need to know that upfront, like this is

812
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,080
Speaker 1: probably not for me. But then there's some people but

813
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,279
Speaker 1: who believe like they are meant to do this and

814
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,799
Speaker 1: offer that sort of motherly dynamic in the world. And

815
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,439
Speaker 1: there is a woman who I read about a couple

816
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:12,400
Speaker 1: of years ago. Her name is Sarah Cunningham, and she

817
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 1: started doing this thing at Pride parades where she had

818
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: a sign that said free Mom Hugs because people were

819
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:20,239
Speaker 1: going and their parents weren't support of them, so she

820
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:23,600
Speaker 1: would go and so she would offer that maternal hug

821
00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:25,279
Speaker 1: to these people who didn't have a parent there to

822
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,840
Speaker 1: support them. And so she's turned it into an organization

823
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,320
Speaker 1: called Free Mom Hugs. And one of the quotes says,

824
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: if you need a mom to attend your same sex

825
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:36,960
Speaker 1: wedding because your biological mom won't call me, I'll be

826
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 1: your biggest fan. So it's sweet. So so there are

827
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 1: some of these women out there who are probably killing

828
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,680
Speaker 1: it at the mom game. Yeah yeah, right, If they're

829
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,880
Speaker 1: doing that, that's really sweet. I think we should take

830
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:57,120
Speaker 1: a quick break, Okay, sweetheart. I'm just astounded that people

831
00:40:57,480 --> 00:40:59,960
Speaker 1: mothers are so stupid that they wouldn't go to the

832
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 1: gay son's wedding. I mean, honestly, like, what are you

833
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:07,239
Speaker 1: raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal, I mean,

834
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:11,319
Speaker 1: get a fucking clue, a lady, Like, gay people are

835
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:14,799
Speaker 1: not going anywhere, I know, but it's some people just

836
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,520
Speaker 1: I mean Okay, me, for instance, I have a very

837
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,880
Speaker 1: diverse background. Well really, are you Cuban? What what's the

838
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 1: diversity upbringing? And my mom still took issue when I

839
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 1: came out. You know, we didn't talk for six months

840
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 1: and she had you know, she would you classify your mom?

841
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 1: Is your mom gonna listen to this podcast because you're

842
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:36,880
Speaker 1: not going to be talking afterwards. This is all stuff

843
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:38,879
Speaker 1: I've said to her, by the way, nothing Well now

844
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 1: I'm saying it to her, which it might be double

845
00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: the trouble. Would you classify your mother as a narcissist

846
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,200
Speaker 1: and she is a master manipulator? Okay? Yeah. When I

847
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:50,279
Speaker 1: called the police and asked her to be arrested because

848
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:52,040
Speaker 1: she was drunk driving, I then wrote a letter to

849
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 1: the state's attorney asking him to provide it to the judge,

850
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:59,319
Speaker 1: and I requested the harshest possible punishment for her, for

851
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,640
Speaker 1: her to be a gulag, literally anything that they could

852
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: do that would force her to reflect like this is

853
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 1: this really where I want to be right now? And

854
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: they read that letter to her and I basically stated

855
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:13,319
Speaker 1: all of this stuff so from your son, Brandon. They

856
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:16,800
Speaker 1: read it to her in front of people whoever was

857
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,920
Speaker 1: in the courtroom. Do you know what her reaction to

858
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,440
Speaker 1: that letter was. I couldn't tell you, but I know,

859
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:23,440
Speaker 1: can you? Yeah? I mean want me to find out. Yeah,

860
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 1: I read it to use. This is exciting. I like

861
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:31,280
Speaker 1: confronting people, especially in this way. Too bad. The police

862
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,799
Speaker 1: sucks so bad because I would say, well, you were

863
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,920
Speaker 1: in the court actually, so there were probably very few

864
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:41,560
Speaker 1: police officers there. But God, let's not go down that road. Okay.

865
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: So this is you. I want you to that. This

866
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:47,920
Speaker 1: is the letter that you wrote your state attorney, your

867
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:51,320
Speaker 1: mother's state attorney general. The state attorney would be prosecuting

868
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: her case in the county in which she lives. Is

869
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:59,600
Speaker 1: the letter I wrote, d U I was the subject. Hello.

870
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 1: I hope this email finds you healthy and happy during

871
00:43:01,719 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: the holiday season. I'm reaching out in regards to a

872
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:08,640
Speaker 1: recent incident involving my mother. My mother has unfortunately had

873
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 1: multiple interactions with the law and recent months due to

874
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:16,320
Speaker 1: her substant abuse issues and unresolved mental health matters. Most recently,

875
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 1: she was arrested while driving under the influence of alcohol

876
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:22,000
Speaker 1: and held for a psychiatric review. I'm emailing in hopes

877
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,680
Speaker 1: that with your help, my mother will receive the harshest

878
00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:28,480
Speaker 1: possible punishment for her crime. This is a plea I

879
00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 1: make not out of anger or vengeance, but out of

880
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:33,200
Speaker 1: concern for her well being and safety of those around her.

881
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,200
Speaker 1: My mother is unwell and unstable, and when drinking, a

882
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: hazard as she habitually drinks and drives, wrecking multiple vehicles

883
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:45,200
Speaker 1: after hitting inanimate objects. God, my mother is a beautiful

884
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 1: and articulate woman. She is also highly deceptive and manipulative,

885
00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: and until now evaded the law and any punishment. I

886
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 1: would like that to change. As a former self DA

887
00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 1: code and I'm aware of how lenient the law can

888
00:43:56,239 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 1: be for d y charges. My former stepfather has had

889
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: many with almost repercussions. My mother has long operated as

890
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,400
Speaker 1: a functioning alcoholic, but at this juncture is failing to

891
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:07,879
Speaker 1: function as a civilized member of society and needs help

892
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,520
Speaker 1: getting back on track. I'm asking for your help and

893
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 1: getting this woman's life back in order. My mother was

894
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,360
Speaker 1: a single woman raising four kids and worked countless jobs

895
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:19,440
Speaker 1: simultaneously for many years. Her potential success is limitless, but

896
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,879
Speaker 1: she needs forced course correction. This is not a person

897
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 1: or a case to disregard. This is a case that

898
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:27,799
Speaker 1: could create positive change, should it be handled the right way.

899
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,840
Speaker 1: Nearly six months sober before her most recent incident, she

900
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:34,520
Speaker 1: had been part of multiple AA meetings weekly. These meetings

901
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:38,400
Speaker 1: held her accountable and should be mandatory after any intoxication arrest.

902
00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:41,719
Speaker 1: In my humble opinion, I've copied my sister here one

903
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:45,400
Speaker 1: of her daughters to collaborate details and assist in anyway.

904
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:50,880
Speaker 1: So see it's with intention of like positivity. Yeah, right, right, right,

905
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 1: And did you ever get a response from that? No,

906
00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:55,000
Speaker 1: Apparently what I was told when I called is that

907
00:44:55,000 --> 00:45:00,759
Speaker 1: he couldn't legally respond because yeah, probably wanted to be

908
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: like uh huh. But for my understanding, like this does

909
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:04,759
Speaker 1: not happen a lot. And I think that with any

910
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 1: of these things, like you know how many people we

911
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:09,120
Speaker 1: talked to today with mommy issues and so many times

912
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 1: people think it's daddy issues, but there's a lot of

913
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 1: up ship going home. I would also like to say, yeah,

914
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:16,200
Speaker 1: there's some daddy issues too. But as a stepfather, as

915
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:18,440
Speaker 1: a recent stepfather, because when I was living in Whistler,

916
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 1: I became a stepfather to factive stepfather. My friend Kellie

917
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 1: had those two girls and they called me dad and

918
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:25,400
Speaker 1: they would come over and slip. Then the weekends at

919
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 1: my and I love being a stepdad, like I love

920
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: taking them to dinner, taking them shopping, playing games with them.

921
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:35,360
Speaker 1: They snuggle in my bed. You know, we've watched movies

922
00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:37,720
Speaker 1: like we we just had like a total vibe going

923
00:45:37,760 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 1: and I feel like, oh, I've never wanted to be

924
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:43,080
Speaker 1: a mom, but I could kill it as a divorce dad.

925
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,840
Speaker 1: You know, come in, you just spread the sunshine, spread

926
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:50,160
Speaker 1: the love, and then leave on Monday morning. But skidaddle

927
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:52,440
Speaker 1: before things get too dicey. See that to me is

928
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 1: more you'd be the perfect ex husband because the stepdad

929
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:58,200
Speaker 1: has to do all like no, no, no, I'm sorry,

930
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 1: not stepdad's ex spen where you just who has a

931
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 1: younger wife and wants to has start a family with her.

932
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 1: So I can only come once in a while. You're

933
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:12,920
Speaker 1: good for Friday through Sunday, meals Friday through Sunday. Yeah, Friday,

934
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 1: Friday night through Sunday. Yep, yep, that's good because as

935
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:18,000
Speaker 1: soon as they would leave on Sunday or Monday, like

936
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:21,319
Speaker 1: I needed a day to myself to recover. So when

937
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 1: I just think about people raising children and having to

938
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 1: deal during this pandemic and mothers. I just can't even

939
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:30,880
Speaker 1: I can't relate because I can't even imagine. In closing

940
00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:33,560
Speaker 1: today's episode, Brittan, I would like to say that there

941
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:37,480
Speaker 1: seems to be a biological thread. It's almost like a

942
00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:41,960
Speaker 1: biological mandate, if you will. People are tied to their

943
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 1: biological parents and biological children. It's seemingly very hard for

944
00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:49,160
Speaker 1: people to break the idea that they may not have

945
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,120
Speaker 1: long term relationships with their parents. But to your point,

946
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,760
Speaker 1: so many kids need homes and there are so many

947
00:46:55,920 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 1: other more healthy relationships out there, then your parents. If

948
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 1: that's not a healthy relationship, find another relationship that is, like,

949
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:07,240
Speaker 1: these are not things that yeah, but it's also feels

950
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:11,280
Speaker 1: like a structure of society, right that has been imposed

951
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: upon people to the point of believing that you have

952
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 1: to have this almost fealty towards not necessarily brothers and sisters.

953
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:22,279
Speaker 1: It's not as strong between brothers and sisters as it

954
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:26,160
Speaker 1: is between parents and children. That seems to be a

955
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:29,440
Speaker 1: very and while you can you can understand it, it

956
00:47:29,560 --> 00:47:32,960
Speaker 1: also it is limiting to people. If you get you know,

957
00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:37,200
Speaker 1: a dud for a mom or a dad, or you know,

958
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:39,280
Speaker 1: my dad was he could be a bit of a dud,

959
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,000
Speaker 1: but all in all, you know it was it was

960
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,359
Speaker 1: a cute relationship and it provided me with a lot

961
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 1: of comedy. But yeah, may God rest his soul or

962
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:52,319
Speaker 1: whatever that's saying is God be with him anyway. So

963
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: that's an interesting takeaway from today's episode is the biological necessity.

964
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 1: People are obsessed with biology, whereas you know, the gay

965
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:03,879
Speaker 1: people can tell you this any day of the week.

966
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:06,440
Speaker 1: You make your own family, so don't be so tied

967
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:09,000
Speaker 1: down to the people in your family that suck. Just

968
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:11,400
Speaker 1: take a fucking break. That's what I'm doing right now.

969
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:14,120
Speaker 1: More people should. Yeah, I I encourage it, especially if

970
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:18,080
Speaker 1: it's a break. It's not permanent. So who gives a ship? Okay,

971
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 1: I think we're in conclusion of part one of the episode, Brandon,

972
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 1: what do you think, Well, there's yeah, there's still more

973
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 1: that we need to address, so we're gonna have to

974
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:26,359
Speaker 1: do a part two. Okay, we're gonna do a part too,

975
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 1: so tune in for a part two. Please, We'll see

976
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 1: you on the other side.