WEBVTT - #9 Deeper into Dating 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:04.320 I'm ready, let's go. Hell I suet Dating with Anger 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:08.680 and I Heart Radio podcast. Hello and welcome back to 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:11.159 help I suck at dating. I'm Dean Anglert. I'm a 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:15.600 little under the weather today, so pardon my raspy nasally voice. UM, 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:17.520 I've got a great episode for you guys today. We've 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:21.800 covered a lot of things about relationships. Um, we've had 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:24.040 therapists in here, we've had psyche kicks in here. We've 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:27.160 had a lot, but one thing we haven't really covered 0:00:27.840 --> 0:00:32.400 is the intimate physical component of it. So today in 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:36.320 studio I have Kim Anami, who is a holistic sex 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:40.320 and relationship expert who we're gonna have a few questions for. 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:43.720 Of course. UM, we're gonna take some listener emails and 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:46.760 listener questions, and we are going to kind of catch 0:00:46.800 --> 0:00:48.320 up with me, I guess and see where I'm at 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:51.600 in my life. Nine episodes into this dating podcast. But 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:55.000 first and foremost, Kim, how are you awesome? Thank you 0:00:55.080 --> 0:00:58.560 very much, it's wonderful here. Thank you for being here. 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:01.000 Also we have Tanya of course in Eastern in the studio. 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:05.160 Thank you. Um, okay, Kim. So, as we've kind of 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:09.080 alluded to already before taping and all that kind of stuff. 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:11.160 Sex kind of makes me uncomfortable. Just talking about it 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:14.680 makes me a little uncomfortable. Talking about it makes you uncomfortable? 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:18.200 What about doing it? Well, I mean we're all we're 0:01:18.200 --> 0:01:20.479 all human beings at the end of the day. I mean, 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:22.560 it's not I don't think I'm uncomfortable doing it, but 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:24.360 it's just it's just a little, uh, it's a little 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:27.920 it's a sensitive topic for me, not necessarily for any 0:01:27.959 --> 0:01:29.760 other reason than it's just, I don't know, makes me 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:32.440 uncomfortable talk about So do you mean in a room 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:34.560 full of people that you only know a little bit 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:38.000 or with your actual sexual partner? Um, I would say both. 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:39.679 I would say I could be dating someone for a 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:44.000 while and I would still have Hesitancy's talking about it right, 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:46.680 because I would say that's a very important piece of 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.280 sexual intimacy is, yes, being able to be open and 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:53.760 free physically, but to be verbal not only in bed 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:56.200 but outside of bed. So in bed, to be able 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:58.840 to communicate to your partner what you want, what feels 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:02.360 good to already's talk with them, to really open up 0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:06.080 your whole being, and then outside of the bedroom to 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.280 talk about like in a more neutral environment, say, like 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:12.080 there's things that you want that aren't happening and vice versa. 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.040 That when you're out of that charged environment of the bed, 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:17.320 then you can have a deeper conversation about how you 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:21.600 can both reach higher levels of intimacy and ecstasy. Okay, Well, 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:24.120 so obviously compatibility is a huge part of that, and 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:26.480 I think that you become more compatible as you begin 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.560 to discuss those types of things, right, Yes, And I 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.079 think that it depends how open you really let yourself 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:34.840 be in bed. Like people say, if you're having a 0:02:34.880 --> 0:02:38.560 lot of casual sex, you're probably compartmentalizing, like you're trying 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:42.160 to keep your emotions separate from the sexual encounter. The 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:45.400 more fully open and vulnerable you are, so you're emotionally present, 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:48.320 you're spiritually present, you're physically present, then you're gonna have 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:50.760 a lot more powerful, deeper sex with that person. And 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:52.560 I guess you have. The more comfortable you're around you 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:55.840 are around that person, the more you're able to express 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:59.680 yourself physically. Yes, definitely, Okay, Cam, how do you go 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:03.520 about attracting the right partner for I guess you're style 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:07.200 of relationship? Well, it depends first of all what you want, 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:10.000 like if you want to have a real deep, intimate, 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:13.280 soulmate type relationship that you're really clear on that from 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:16.280 the outset, or if you're feeling a bit guarded and 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:18.280 like you don't really want to go deep into something. 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:20.680 The clearer that you are about what you want, the 0:03:20.760 --> 0:03:23.120 more likely you are to attract that into your space. 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:26.160 And there's so much out there. When people in the 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:29.040 whole dating arena of like the game playing, you know, like, oh, 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:31.359 we have to wait three days before we call this person. 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:34.120 After a day and account seem too eager, and I 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.920 just think that that's only going to engender more gameplay 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:40.120 and even me personally. When I was in my twenties, 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:42.160 I used to date guys who were in their forties 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:44.680 because they didn't play games anymore. It was just like 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:46.800 I like you, you like me, Let's get on with it. 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:49.000 And there wasn't this So I'd better wait because you'll 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:50.400 think I'd like her too much if I call her 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:52.280 right away after we went out. They would just call 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:54.640 and be I had an amazing time, You're so incredible, 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:57.080 Let's do this again. And so you know, if you 0:03:57.160 --> 0:04:00.480 want authentic people, you have to be authentic. So the 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:04.320 more really honest and vulnerable, radically honest that you are, 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:07.240 you'll attract that into a partner. Got Well, so here's 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:09.240 my thing. So I don't really I don't as a 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:11.280 human being, I don't need sex like I don't. I 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:13.680 don't necessarily like have to have it in a relationship. 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:15.440 If I'm not in a relationship whatever it is, Like 0:04:15.480 --> 0:04:17.520 I can, I can survive perfectly fine without it. I 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:20.560 do kind of crave that physical intimacy of um, like 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:22.679 spooning or holding hands or just kind of like holding 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:25.640 each other that type of stuff. So if sex isn't 0:04:25.640 --> 0:04:29.360 an incredibly important part of a relationship to me, is 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:30.760 that something I should work on? Do you think, like 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:33.640 I've I've dated girls for you know, extended periods of 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:36.880 time months to two over a year where sex was 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:40.360 something that it wasn't a very not that it wasn't 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.720 very frequent, but it wasn't like the staple of our relationship, 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:44.360 you know. And that's fine with me, Like, I don't 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:46.120 need that, It's I think it's just like an added 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:50.279 benefit to a healthy relationship. Well, it's great that you've 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.440 expanded and you connect with your partners on all these 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:57.400 other levels. My view is that the sex is the glue. 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.080 Sex is really the heart of an intimate partner's it, 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:03.120 and sexual energy is life force energy. This is the 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:05.480 energy that creates a new life. And so when you're 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:08.359 really tapped into that energy, even if you're single, you 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:12.239 can have much more creativity, much more rejuvenation in your life. 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:14.560 Like the whole concept is that if you're not creating 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:17.840 babies with this energy, you can create other things in 0:05:17.920 --> 0:05:21.960 your reality with this energy force. So to me, that's 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:24.799 the deepest place that we connect in that intimate partnership, 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:27.159 Like it's the one thing that separates that kind of 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:30.159 relationship from every other relationship in your life is the 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:34.560 fact that you're probably having sex with that person. And 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:38.280 so in mind view, when you really deeply open yourself 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:42.159 up and you become vulnerable sexually and emotionally, there's nothing 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:45.279 like it. You create this kind of superpowered energy. Like 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:49.240 these couples who can be together forty years and still 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:53.240 have cataclysmic, incredible sex, still be totally passionate for each other. 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:56.080 That's possible for everyone, but it's kind of a myth 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.960 in our culture that it's not, and so people settle 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.480 into relationship where the sex just dies and they get 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:04.320 used to that not being a big part of it. 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:07.279 My view is that people are really scared of going 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:10.039 that deep, and so they pretend that it's okay that 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:12.880 they don't have sex and it's okay that they haven't 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:14.920 had sex with their partner. I have clients who maybe 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:17.680 haven't had sex in eight years, and they act like 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:20.560 that's normal. They think like, oh, well, just by the way, 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:22.400 like we we have fights about this and then we 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:24.200 haven't had sex and New Years and then we didn't 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.120 want to buy this car together. You know. I'm like, no, no, 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:29.440 wait a second, Like this is a massive thing. And 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:32.559 I think it's overall our culture is so repressed about 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:36.600 sexuality that people internalize that oppression and so they're not 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:38.760 in touch with their sexual energy and they start to 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.440 kind of downplay it as an important thing, where I 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:44.080 think it's a hugely important. So sex is kind of 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:46.760 like the foundation for success relationship. So on that. On 0:06:46.839 --> 0:06:48.840 that note, then, for for maybe a listener of this 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:51.800 podcast that's dating casually, how long do you think is 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:53.760 the appropriatemoun of time to wait before you're able to 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:56.280 kind of explore that avenue of a relationship. That's an 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:58.880 excellent question, and I'd say there's a lot of pressure 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:02.160 on people to be sexual very quickly these days, and 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:04.440 so the best answer that I can give you is 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:07.520 to really listen to yourself. And so whether that's you know, 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.480 a first date or a tenth date, or three months 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:13.320 or six months, you need to be clear when people 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:15.760 dive into sexual relationships, and not to say that I 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.120 haven't done it and been there and you know, done that. 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:20.880 It's what a judgment thing. It's more like how do 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:23.520 people take care of themselves? If you dive in sexually 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:27.600 before you're really emotionally connected, you leave yourself exposed. And 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:30.200 that's why I think if people might sort of ditch 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:33.040 the hook up very quickly is because they both feel 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:37.360 over exposed and they want to shut down. Okay, so 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.840 there's no real there's no realistic timeline. It's just kind 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:42.280 of various case by case. I would say it various 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:45.160 case by case. But the longer that you wait, the 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:48.120 more emotionally connected that you get. So, you know, you said, 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:51.200 I wouldn't say that sex is the foundation of a 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:54.520 successful relationship. I would say that trust is, and then 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:57.520 upon trust you can build everything else. And so when 0:07:57.520 --> 0:07:59.720 you really trust each other, you're going to have much 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:03.040 more deep, connected, powerful sex. If you're not trusting the 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:06.559 other person, you have barriers there, and so neither people. 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:09.000 You know, people aren't connecting on a really deep level, 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:12.320 and it will not be very satisfying sex. Well, and 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:14.880 for me too to to kind of not necessarily get 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:17.960 off topic, I I've only just recently, as a twenty 0:08:17.960 --> 0:08:20.520 six year old man, begin to open up about like 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.760 what I want in a sexual relationship like I've I've 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:26.760 been able to more recently speak more openly about what 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:28.560 I like, what I dislike, what I what I want, 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:30.800 all that kind of stuff, because I think i've I've 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:33.080 never maybe had the emotional connection that I that I've 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:35.160 needed in order to open up about that, right, So 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:37.320 I guess to to that point, then how do you 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:42.520 continue to build the connection to make sure beyond the communication, 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:44.560 is there anything else? I guess, well, I see the 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:48.240 communication is key, Like and we've said trust is essential, 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:50.959 and you said that, as you've begun to open up, 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.959 then that's where you create that depth and intimacy with 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:57.520 and I believe that you can continually grow interest in 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:01.520 a person where you have lifelong interest in treek, mystery, passion, 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:05.600 sexual attraction, that that can be the norm. That's not 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:08.040 a myth in our culture that after two years or 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:10.480 a certain amount of time, people naturally lose interest. I 0:09:10.480 --> 0:09:12.920 don't believe that to be true. I think that people 0:09:13.000 --> 0:09:17.000 just don't know how to build a powerful relationship. And 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.520 so no one's taught. I mean, look, in school, you're 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:21.480 taught that sex will kill you and sex will get 0:09:21.480 --> 0:09:23.360 you pregnant. So there, go off and have sex and 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:27.400 figure out your relationships, right, And so people have this giant, 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:30.880 you know, whole or void inside of them, having no idea. 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:35.360 They have this intimate, innate desire and natural desire to 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:38.000 be sexual and to be intimate, to really get close 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:41.000 to another person. That is a natural, fundamental human desire 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:43.720 that we all have. And then we have all these 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:47.040 you know, contradictory messages in the culture, like sex is everywhere, 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:50.600 it's in pops, songs, media advertising, and you're not really 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:52.640 allowed to have it either or you know, enjoy it. 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:54.760 So there's still this huge taboo about it. So most 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:57.319 people are walking around with a lot of blocks inside 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:59.880 of them. No one's really taught how to do relationship 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:02.840 and so that's a huge part of my work is 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:06.360 explaining to people and educating them about what's possible in 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:08.840 an intimate relationship. Like I just said, you can be 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:11.199 together for forty years and still want to rip each 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:15.120 other's clothes off. That is possible for everyone. Every woman 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:18.360 can find deep levels of release and pleasure, every man 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:21.839 can explore his full potential in the bedroom, and and 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:25.320 add infinitum. But where no one's really taught how to 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:27.520 do that. And the huge piece of that is around 0:10:27.559 --> 0:10:31.320 communication and opening yourself to another person and sharing who 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.280 you really are, being authentically you without holding back, without 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:38.520 putting up guards and barriers and hiding in any way. 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:40.960 And that's really hard. That's one of the hardest things 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:42.920 that we can do as human beings is to totally 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:46.160 open ourselves to be vulnerable and then to be loved, 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:48.360 you know, because as soon as we're vulnerable, we're at 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:50.520 the risk of being hurt. And so most people walk 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:54.040 around with masks on, they're guarded, they have defense mechanisms, 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:57.600 their whole terrain is loaded with land mines that someone 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:01.800 can trip over and snap and everything can implode. And 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:05.400 so it takes a skill set to develop a really positive, powerful, 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:09.880 healthy relationship. Most people don't just do it intuitively. So 0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:12.720 most of your clients clients that you see, are they 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:16.000 typically older couples that have been together for a long 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.400 time or do you typically see it a little bit younger. 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:21.120 I don't know what's what's that kind of typical? My 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.080 client base rages like the media is probably thirty something 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.559 to forty something, but I have everything from twenty some 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:30.319 things to seventies some things who want to get better 0:11:30.480 --> 0:11:32.800 at their intimate lives. And it's not just people who 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:35.720 are suffering and really struggling. It's people who are like, 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.400 it's already amazing, how do we keep it amazing? You know, 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:41.840 they've already prioritized their intimate lives as this very important 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:44.320 piece of their existence, and they want to know, Hey, 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:46.160 you're an expert. What do you know that we don't 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:48.800 know that we can keep learning about and educating ourselves 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:51.600 about the way that people look at their careers. You know, 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:53.280 you go to school. If for a lot of people 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:56.559 go to school, they work, then they continue to educate themselves. 0:11:56.559 --> 0:11:59.600 They study the apprentice, they take seminars and workshops. They 0:11:59.640 --> 0:12:02.959 do for the education, But in relationships, people don't do that. 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.520 They get their relationship, they think they've got it once 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.360 they've got some kind of a commitment, and then they 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:10.880 just put their focus elsewhere, and so they stop prioritizing 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:13.160 their relationship, and as soon as they start to do that, 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:17.280 the relationship withers away. Well, and back to the age, 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:21.680 I still have a question for you, Um, when I 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:22.920 was growing or not when I was growing up, but 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:24.360 like a few years ago, my brother was dating like 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:26.880 an older woman right like late thirties, um, and he 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:28.920 was like mid twenties whatever it was. Is there is 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:30.520 there an actual time when a woman and a man 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:32.880 reaches her sexual peak, because it isn't a woman's sexual 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:35.040 peak typically in her late thirties, while a man's is 0:12:35.080 --> 0:12:38.280 like maybe the late teens, early twenties. I don't know 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:42.280 if that's if I believe that physiologically, I think that 0:12:42.600 --> 0:12:45.640 women may be become more confident and comfortable with their 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:49.160 sexuality as they get older. Women are given less permission 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:51.600 in our culture to be sexual than men. For men, 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:53.640 it's like you're allowed to go out there, you're allowed 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:55.520 to sleep with anybody you want to. But if a 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.560 woman does that, she gets judged. She immediately gets judged 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:01.560 and labeled, and that's that she internalizes that, so she 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:04.400 starts to hold back in her sexual expression. So I 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:07.040 think once women get into their thirties and forties, they're like, 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.320 screw this, Like I'm going to just be this part 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:12.280 of myself and express it however I want to, And 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:15.720 they've gotten a certain level of maturity and experience to 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:21.680 do that. I don't know that it's a physiological peak, um, 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:24.679 in your opinion, then, as as we're kind of obviously 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:29.360 talking about this, that makes me very uncomfortable still, Um, say, 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.640 say you meet someone new, incredibly interesting, whatever, you connect emotionally, 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:36.200 do you think that there is a a number of 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:38.760 sexual partners that that person has would have had to 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.200 be caused for concern or like a red flag or 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:44.880 something like that. M m um, Not necessarily. Like I 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.679 think that people in their teens and their twenties, it's 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:51.640 pretty natural to go out and explore, and that people 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:55.240 aren't necessarily as in touch with their emotions at that age, 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:58.360 and as they grow older into their later twenties and thirties, 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:01.560 they start to crave more of an emotional connection. But 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.240 in that early stage, I think a lot of people explore. 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.120 So I wouldn't say it's a cause of concern so 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.319 long as that person is operating from a place of 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.280 high self esteem. That if they were doing these things 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.600 and they were doing it to please other people or 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:17.920 doing it to be to be liked or whatever, is 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:21.280 different than someone who just had a healthy, very conscious 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:26.760 curiosity about sexuality. So okay, so it just just bloils 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:33.040 out of self awardess. Then I have a um sex question. 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:37.400 Go for it in your opinion, And I know you're 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:39.400 not a man, but I feel like you're a sexpert. 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:45.360 What's the best way to give a good can you say? There? Oh? 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:50.080 Is that not what we're doing here? Well, I mean, 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:54.760 while we're on the topic, we's on everybody's mind. Everybody's 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:59.200 thinking it. Hello. The best way to excel at filatio 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:03.320 is to total be in love with your partners And 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.960 so if you are fully, madly, truly in love with 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:10.160 their they are going to feel that if you're doing 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:12.840 it out of duty, if you just like it, you know, 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:14.920 and you think they're gonna like it, it won't be 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:18.120 as good if you madly just attack that thing with 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:21.360 your your mouth, your heart, every single part of you, 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:23.720 your partner will go weak in the knees and you'll 0:15:23.720 --> 0:15:27.960 be the best lover they ever had. Actually, really good answer. 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:32.160 I assume the same thing is true. Going another way, absolutely, yes, 0:15:32.800 --> 0:15:37.280 Dean always thinking about the girl. I mean, I'll be honest, 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.640 I haven't really been maybe the most giving in that 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:45.000 sense of the word in my sexual career, you know. 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:49.200 I think I think that specifically for me, is a 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:54.120 big trust thing as well, because, um, you want to 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:55.480 go you want to be doing that with someone that 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:57.840 you're very comfortable with and that you you maybe you 0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:01.120 understand a little bit more deeply than that the casual data, 0:16:01.680 --> 0:16:04.040 you know. That's kind of my I guess take on it. 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:06.640 It's a very intimate experience. And I think that you're 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:09.480 right is that it's a symbol of when you're really 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:12.160 open to somebody and you're comfortable and you want to 0:16:12.160 --> 0:16:15.400 go deeper with them, and that's what it's all about. 0:16:15.440 --> 0:16:17.440 So then you're not going to be faking it if 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:20.720 you truly have those feelings, those genuine feelings about who 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:23.120 they are and that part of them that is the 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:26.840 essence of who they are. Yeah, um okay, Kim so 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:30.680 as a millennial asked Tanya and I both are. How 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:33.880 do you think that affects the sexual component of relationship 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:35.880 because it seems that that hookup culture is a lot 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:38.720 more prominent now maybe than it was I don't know, 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:42.440 just as recent as a as a decade before Mark's generation. 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:46.120 Sorry Mark, No, it's true though, it's just a little 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:49.320 bit different. So there's because there's a difference between having 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:54.040 sex and making love with someone. So I don't know, 0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:56.320 can you speak to that a little bit? Yeah, I mean, 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:58.440 like I said, I think it is kind of part 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:01.200 of the deal when people are in the twenties, not 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.640 for everybody, but it's certainly a time when people do 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:07.040 that more. But like, my whole philosophy is to use 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:10.000 your intimate relationship as a power source, and to really 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:14.200 do that, you have to be connected emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:17.560 and sexually physically. You have to be interested and attracted 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:20.280 and intrigued on all of those levels. And if you're not, 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:22.800 you can do these things, but they're not going to 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:26.080 be as deeper as pleasurable, and so the real potential 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:29.160 of power and energy and as a source of rejuvenation 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:31.919 that a sexual relationship can be, you're not going to 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:34.520 really tap into that if it's superficial, if they're just 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:37.679 casual hookups. And I have no judgment about this, like 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:40.480 people are free to make their own choices. It's just 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.920 more about what you're wanting in your life and in 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:48.160 your relationship. That makes sense. So so then to that note, 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:51.800 being the professional that you are and spending the amount 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:55.480 of time researching and and understanding this on a level 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:57.679 that maybe we don't What would you say that you 0:17:57.720 --> 0:18:02.560 know about sex that the casual participator or listener doesn't. 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:05.119 I don't know how to how to raise that properly. Well, 0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:08.200 you know, I think that we grow up and take 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:10.840 on these ideas of people. Say, you know, your parents 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:13.000 probably said wait till you find someone that you love, 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:15.760 and as kids people just kind of oh, whatever, you know, 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:18.879 But their reality is is that the sex is better 0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:22.639 that way. Once people have enough not so connected sex, 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:25.399 they usually discover then when they have more connected sex, 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:28.800 that it's more pleasurable, more enjoyable. They're more likely to 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:33.920 have climaxes through that experience more easily, They express themselves better, 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:36.640 they don't feel embarrassed about maybe their bodies, Like all 0:18:36.680 --> 0:18:39.280 of these things melt away when you're with someone you 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.080 really love and trust. And again I have no judgment 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.640 about it. This isn't a moral condemnation about people's choices. 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:48.000 It's just more about what you really want. So I 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:51.480 think what people don't understand is that your sexual relationship 0:18:51.520 --> 0:18:54.280 can be a power source in your life. And so 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:57.320 you know that whole that old adage like behind every 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.400 good man is a woman. Well, behind every good woman 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:02.359 is a man on his knees giving her everything he's got. 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:06.280 So when you really give your power and energy to 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:10.359 each other, you rejuvenate your lives together. And most people 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:13.040 just think of their marriage is maybe like a social 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:15.480 agreement or an economic agreement. Like we've come out of 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:19.600 this these decades of obligatory marriages, like marriages that were 0:19:19.680 --> 0:19:22.800 kind of like duties, and people had their roles. When 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:24.760 was taking care of the kids, one was taking care 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:27.520 of making money. And so now we're I think, evolving 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:31.040 into this place where we really want a soulmate type 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:33.960 relationship where you meet your match, where you really meet 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:36.600 that person who's a compliment for you and brings out 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:42.840 your very best self. Yeah. So I recently, uh um, 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:45.639 recognized that I was making a big mistake. I was 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:47.680 like in this perpetual pattern of pain because I was 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:50.280 sleeping with people that I wasn't connected to, I wasn't 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.640 in a relationship with, and I recently made the decision 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:55.959 to wait for marriage. And it's something that I've been 0:19:55.960 --> 0:19:57.800 like doing a lot of research on, and I've kind 0:19:57.800 --> 0:19:59.679 of realized that there's like, also, you don't have to 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:03.240 have sex to have a sexual relationship. That makes sense. 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:06.640 And so they're like, um, and what do you mean 0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:09.879