Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Autumn is here, and no one is more excited for
Speaker 2: the season than our very own Ronni Chang, who shares
Speaker 2: his joy for everything Autumn in our brand new segments
Speaker 2: Falling for Fall with Ronnie Chang.
Speaker 3: Okay, first off, I don't give a shit about fall. Okay,
Speaker 3: but the networks that I need to project a more
Speaker 3: cuddly image or whatever, So I guess I gotta pretend
Speaker 3: to be excited about fall now, even though it's always
Speaker 3: the same old bullshit. The only thing that changes is
Speaker 3: the amount of crap they put pumpkin spice into. And
Speaker 3: this year, I'm pretty sure the pumpkin spice is rotting
Speaker 3: everyone's brains.
Speaker 4: Here we go again, time for our autumn obsession with
Speaker 4: all things pumpkin. Pumpkin spice is everywhere, but these days
Speaker 4: it's not just for lattes anymore.
Speaker 5: This morning, you can even buy Get this Pumpkin spice
Speaker 5: scented toilet paper. People are giving the product great reviews.
Speaker 6: You can buy a ten pack of pumpkin spice scented
Speaker 6: face masks.
Speaker 7: Would you actually want that? The description says it gets
Speaker 7: its fall scent from essential oils.
Speaker 3: Yeah, A pumpkin spice face mask. I'll just take the
Speaker 3: COVID thank you. Who wants pumpkin spice in that nose?
Speaker 1: All day long?
Speaker 3: When I'm walking around New York, I want to breathe
Speaker 3: the natural aromas of the city. Howk garbage and urine?
Speaker 3: And I can't believe people are buying pumpkin spice toilet paper.
Speaker 3: Why wipe your ass is something that already smells like shit.
Speaker 3: The only thing more pathetic than buying pumpkin spice toilet
Speaker 3: paper are the people who give it a review. You
Speaker 3: don't need to review toilet paper. Okay, does it wipe
Speaker 3: the poop off your butt?
Speaker 8: Yes?
Speaker 3: That's five stars? Oh wait, I forgot I'm supposed to
Speaker 3: be happy. Ooh pumpkin spice hmm, I love it. M
Speaker 3: smells like mouthless steward zom pit. And here's another thing
Speaker 3: I love about fall, getting tricked by farmers into doing
Speaker 3: their jobs.
Speaker 5: With a big boost from mom, two year old Lucy
Speaker 5: picks the perfect apple. Visitors to apple Ridge Orchards in Warwick,
Speaker 5: New York smiled wide today, hard not to be happy
Speaker 5: strolling the sixty three acre farm filled with all things
Speaker 5: we equate with Fall we can't leave out the fresh
Speaker 5: apple cider and apple cider donuts made on site. We
Speaker 5: tried to ask two year old Juniper just how delicious
Speaker 5: they are.
Speaker 7: Her response, side eye.
Speaker 3: I have never had more respect for a two year
Speaker 3: old in my life. That kid knows she's not getting
Speaker 3: shit for Christmas because her parents went broke buying oversized gords.
Speaker 3: And I can't believe apple picking is a fall tradition.
Speaker 3: Fruit picking is a job nobody wants nine months of
Speaker 3: the year, and then suddenly your coss playing as an
Speaker 3: underpaid farm worker. What's your winter tradition mopping up puke
Speaker 3: at a hockey arena. We all need to stop pretending
Speaker 3: we love apple so much. Okay, they're not that good,
Speaker 3: and they're trying to hide red delicious. You know, if
Speaker 3: it's in a name, it's a lie. It's like a
Speaker 3: guy introducing himself as Mike ten Inch penis, Oh sorry,
Speaker 3: I forgot hooray it's fall.
Speaker 9: You know.
Speaker 3: Climate change is gonna end all this shit right we're
Speaker 3: not even outside right now, it's too hot one a
Speaker 3: sound stage. This log is fake. This leaves a fake.
Speaker 3: In ten years is gonna use them in schools to
Speaker 3: teach kids what trees look like. I'd say that everyone
Speaker 3: who loves fall should get lost and die, but turns
Speaker 3: out they love doing that too. It's a giant Cormese.
Speaker 7: Take a look at that.
Speaker 10: A man in Washington count created all this by himself
Speaker 10: and transformed part of this Allenport farm into the Howling
Speaker 10: Hills Cormez.
Speaker 11: We give everybody a map when they start, and I
Speaker 11: wouldn't lose the map.
Speaker 7: But if you do get lost, we have.
Speaker 4: A drone that will be flying over all.
Speaker 12: Day long, so if you need help, we can get
Speaker 12: you in and out. This tenacor maze consists of winding paths,
Speaker 12: misleading trails, and some bridges that connect you to different
Speaker 12: parts of the maze, and if you successfully complete them,
Speaker 12: you get a free scoop of ice cream.
Speaker 3: You spend two hours in a corn maze and all
Speaker 3: you get is a free scoop of ice cream ice cream.
Speaker 3: Give me a free IV drip to replenish my fluids.
Speaker 3: A stream happened, A drone is they're gonna do it? Okay?
Speaker 3: This is the worst exit strategy since the Afghan War.
Speaker 3: No thanks. Also, why would anybody willingly enter a corn
Speaker 3: maze at best, you get murdered by demon children. At worst,
Speaker 3: you get stuck talking to a baseball ghost. If you
Speaker 3: want to do a maize so bad, just do the
Speaker 3: ones on the back of cereal boxes. You don't have
Speaker 3: to buy the cereal. Just do them in the aisle
Speaker 3: and then put them back on the shelf. That's what
Speaker 3: I do. Enough with the leaves. Yeah, I know I'm
Speaker 3: not being cuddly enough. All right, forget it. You know
Speaker 3: what really makes me happy about fall this year the
Speaker 3: fact that it might not happen at all.
Speaker 10: Global supply I chain issues have caused more shortages, and
Speaker 10: prices of lots of items have just skyrocketed. Now the
Speaker 10: availability of pumpkins is apparently plummeting.
Speaker 5: Don't be startled if you find a shortage of pumpkins
Speaker 5: this Halloween season and knowing you might be haunted by
Speaker 5: higher prices.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 3: There might be no pumpkins this year, which means I
Speaker 3: think this might be the best forever. I can't wait
Speaker 3: to see all your stupid Instagram pits of Baron Field's
Speaker 3: assholes not with a label.
Speaker 8: Ready for more on the developing Syrian conflicts, we have
Speaker 8: senior geopolitical correspondence Jordan Kleppa.
Speaker 10: Than he.
Speaker 12: So good? What are you drinking?
Speaker 13: Oh sorry, it's a pumpkin spice, Lotte, I don't understand.
Speaker 13: Oh sorry, A pumpkin is like a NATO. I know
Speaker 13: what a pumpkin America.
Speaker 8: I don't understand why you're drinking it on the show.
Speaker 8: I ask you to cover Syria.
Speaker 13: Then something happened in Syria.
Speaker 8: You mean, sirious, what have you been reporting on?
Speaker 13: Well, tever, it's October first, you know I've been reported
Speaker 13: on the big real news.
Speaker 8: Pumpkin flavored products are once again taking over Pumpkin Palooza.
Speaker 6: Sales of pumpkin spice products top three hundred and sixty
Speaker 6: one million dollars last year.
Speaker 7: Pumpkin spice lattes.
Speaker 6: Pumpkin sandwiches, pumpkin flavored beers, pumpkin marshmallow.
Speaker 7: Pumpkin spice sausages, and flavored vodka.
Speaker 12: Forty percent of Oz love pumpkin spice anything.
Speaker 13: And there's only a three month window to feel that love.
Speaker 13: After that, it's just the gray death march of spring
Speaker 13: and summer.
Speaker 8: I don't understand this. Children, Syria is exploding and you're
Speaker 8: wasting time on pumpkin spice.
Speaker 13: Okay, no, you're wasting time. The pumpkin spice is blowing
Speaker 13: up now, Syria is gonna be blowing up all your
Speaker 13: If you ever had a pumpkin spice latte in June,
Speaker 13: it tastes like catpiss, but in October it's like your
Speaker 13: tongue in Thanksgiving while high five and all away. You
Speaker 13: better get with the pumpkin program because you don't want
Speaker 13: to end up like this guy.
Speaker 10: Lyn Ja Gante actually tried to start a national anti
Speaker 10: pumpkin Day.
Speaker 7: We don't eat Christmas trees, we shouldn't eat pumpkins. Is
Speaker 7: that what you want?
Speaker 13: W want Trevor to spend October not eating pumpkins and
Speaker 13: spend December not eating Christmas trees. That doesn't even make sense,
Speaker 13: I think, if you think about it, kind of does.
Speaker 8: And who was that guy?
Speaker 13: Actually a funny story.
Speaker 6: The former hostage negotiator from Charlotte, North Carolina feels as
Speaker 6: though he's.
Speaker 7: Being held hostage by the autumnal squash.
Speaker 12: Damn.
Speaker 8: A former hostage negotiates a termed anti pumpkin spice activist.
Speaker 8: How does he even end up there?
Speaker 13: This probably not very good at hostage negotiation, you know, yeah,
Speaker 13: right is probably you can have that licopter.
Speaker 8: No, no, you side tracked me back to the news Syria.
Speaker 8: You know what, Let's go live to the Capitol where
Speaker 8: we chat to our new senior geopolitical correspondent, Desi Leideck.
Speaker 14: Trevor, I'm here in war torn Damascus where Vladimir pumpkins airstrikes.
Speaker 8: I'm sorry, did you say Vladimir Pumpkin? Is that pumpkin patch?
Speaker 8: Even in Syria?
Speaker 3: Deasi?
Speaker 8: What is happening to my stuff? You wrote pumpkins spice?
Speaker 7: Addicts Jordan.
Speaker 3: What are you doing?
Speaker 7: I'm cool, bro, I'm cool.
Speaker 8: Are you slotting pumpkin spice?
Speaker 7: What that was going on here?
Speaker 13: You know what?
Speaker 7: Roy is roy Wood Junior out there. Let's go to
Speaker 7: roy Wood Junior.
Speaker 8: Please, roy Wood Junior, please tell me? Oh no, is
Speaker 8: that a pumpkin spice latte?
Speaker 3: Roy Oh, little drink pumpkin?
Speaker 8: Thank god?
Speaker 7: This is a sweet potato latte. Oh oh that is gross?
Speaker 8: This is insane?
Speaker 13: Really really, look, you know whatever, you don't understand. Pumpkin
Speaker 13: spice comes. But once a year, like Christmas or Jewish Christmas.
Speaker 13: We Americans cling to these fleeting moments, not knowing if
Speaker 13: that pumpkin spice donut.
Speaker 7: Could be our last.
Speaker 13: I guess where you come from. You just don't know
Speaker 13: what scarcity is.
Speaker 8: Randy yep, children, clamp by everyone. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Now. That old man Winter is knocking at our door.
Speaker 1: It's time once again, America to fatten up for fall.
Speaker 1: Nature teaches us the way bears and whales add a
Speaker 1: layer of fat before cold weather, and so should we. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: a whopping twenty five percent of Americans are still not overweight.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put you on a three step program to
Speaker 1: total fatness.
Speaker 14: You may have seen some of your skinny friends eating
Speaker 14: fruit smoothies made from things like strawberries, cantalope, yogurt, and
Speaker 14: wheat tern. Now you're not gonna eat any of that stuff.
Speaker 14: What I recommend to maximize your chloric incake is a
Speaker 14: value meal smoothie. Now, of course, you're gonna start.
Speaker 1: With a cheeseburger, side of fries and a large coke.
Speaker 1: And what's a value meal without a little apple pie ressert. Now,
Speaker 1: remember you don't want to blend too long.
Speaker 14: I like mine extra chunky, perfect.
Speaker 1: And remember, just six of these a day, plus a
Speaker 1: sensible dinner, and you're well on your way to packing
Speaker 1: them on. Oh god, even smells good.
Speaker 15: Oh that's a good burger.
Speaker 1: You may be saying, But Ed, I'm a vegetarian. How
Speaker 1: do I follow your plan without eating red meat? Well,
Speaker 1: it's simple. Start eating red meat. Be resourceful. Why garnish
Speaker 1: with calorie free parsley when white castle hamburgers will.
Speaker 7: Do the trick.
Speaker 1: But there's still something.
Speaker 7: Missing that's better.
Speaker 1: Exercise. You're not gonna want to do any of that.
Speaker 7: Be careful.
Speaker 1: Exercise can sneak up on you. My strategy is avoid
Speaker 1: all body movement. Try the Rascal two thousand. It even
Speaker 1: has a built in fried chicken bucket holder. Even sleep
Speaker 1: burns calories, which is why a chocolate milk nocturnal feeding tube.
Speaker 1: As to your advantage, feeling too full, can't keep stuffing
Speaker 1: your piehole. Remember, an unsound mind equals an unsound body.
Speaker 1: Find your dark, unhappy place. I recommend calling all your
Speaker 1: old girlfriends, Hey, Sally, it's ed. They'll tell you exactly
Speaker 1: what's wrong with you.
Speaker 15: Can consider it spineless, chauvinistic, impotent, totally huh.
Speaker 1: Let your diminishing self esteem propel you forward into a
Speaker 1: crushing mailstrom of despair issues.
Speaker 15: With my sexual identity.
Speaker 1: Polish the fat will follow. Remember, fattening up for fall
Speaker 1: takes hard work and dedication, but the results are well
Speaker 1: worth O.
Speaker 3: My way, you know.
Speaker 1: For a look at what else is happening in the
Speaker 1: new fall television season, Why don't we take you out
Speaker 1: now to Steve Carell and Nancy Walls in Hollywood the
Speaker 1: new fall TV shows?
Speaker 7: Will Keefer Sutherland be the key for five? Well?
Speaker 12: Richard Dreyfuss have a close encounter of the ratings.
Speaker 7: Kid Jim Belushi.
Speaker 6: His name rhymes with sushi, But will you surround his
Speaker 6: new show with seaweed and then eat it all that?
Speaker 12: Plus, Bruce bauks Lightner opens up about his club foot
Speaker 12: shufflon over Today Wednesday, September twenty six, two thousand and one.
Speaker 9: For We Love Showbiz. Hi, I'm Nancy Wallers. That's Steve
Speaker 9: Carell and we love Showbiz. Well, fall is here and
Speaker 9: with it the new TV season.
Speaker 12: But with all those new shows, how do you know
Speaker 12: what's great and what's even better? We've got the scoop
Speaker 12: with a special We Love Showbiz. Get with the program
Speaker 12: TV programs in the drama category you'll definitely want to
Speaker 12: tune into Crossing Jordan's starring Jill Hennessy as a coroner
Speaker 12: who's physically attractive.
Speaker 7: Who do you want to be?
Speaker 12: Victim nor killer? I'll be the victim.
Speaker 6: Wow, finally a coroner I want to have sex with.
Speaker 6: I mean, look at what she's wearing and she's a coroner.
Speaker 6: That is such a contradiction of my preconceived notions about coroners.
Speaker 7: I'm hooked. I am hooked.
Speaker 12: As for comedy, my pick is everything, but if I
Speaker 12: had to choose one, it would be Inside Schwartz starring
Speaker 12: Breckenmeier as a sportscaster who gets fantasy advice from imaginary
Speaker 12: sports figures.
Speaker 13: Too many players on the field, illegal use of tongue, loss,
Speaker 13: a second date.
Speaker 12: Wow, that won't get annoying at all.
Speaker 7: It's like Rless, but without all the laughs.
Speaker 12: Still the we love show. His pick for surefire hit
Speaker 12: of the season. Take two cups of comedy at a
Speaker 12: dash of cage and stick, Sprinkle in a few commercial breaks,
Speaker 12: and you've got Emeral.
Speaker 9: Now.
Speaker 12: I've talked to my sources at NBC and they assure
Speaker 12: me that this is one show. Emerald Legassi plays Emerald,
Speaker 12: a character based on Colorful chef Emerald Legassi. In this scene,
Speaker 12: the word bress provides an occasion for a double entoned
Speaker 12: Cajun style.
Speaker 8: I made this awesome chicken dish for the last show.
Speaker 15: Does anybody want it?
Speaker 1: I brand?
Speaker 7: Who knows how many nutses that turned it down?
Speaker 12: Damn?
Speaker 6: Now for a few we love show biz milestones. Happy
Speaker 6: birthday to Duran Duran lead singer Simon Labon, he turned
Speaker 6: seventy four today.
Speaker 12: And congratulations to Charlie's Angels star Cameron Diaz. She is
Speaker 12: very attractive.
Speaker 6: Now time for a special Fault TV edition of Teta Tet.
Speaker 7: On the set.
Speaker 6: Richard stars in CBS's new drama The Education of Max Bickford.
Speaker 6: I recently had the opportunity to sit down with some
Speaker 6: clips of old Richard Dreyfus movies to talk about the show.
Speaker 6: Richard Dreyfus, it is a pleasure and an honor to
Speaker 6: be sitting down with you today.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 7: This is your first foray into network prime time. Tell
Speaker 7: us a little bit about it. You're playing a teacher, right,
Speaker 7: that's right. You played mister Holland too. Now that's a
Speaker 7: lot of teachers.
Speaker 6: Are you thinking of a career change? Was this something
Speaker 6: else your co star is Marcia gay Harden, Yes, who
Speaker 6: won an oscar for Pollock. Really, if I may, this
Speaker 6: has been a fan fantastic interview clips of Richard Dreyfus,
Speaker 6: nice talking.
Speaker 1: To you, Thank you.
Speaker 7: What a nice guy he really probably is.
Speaker 12: We wrap up our fall preview with a quick look
Speaker 12: at some of the other shows on the new schedule.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I can't wait to see that one show.
Speaker 12: I hope l A Los Corbyn Bernson is in one.
Speaker 7: Oh me too, he is terrific. Well that's all for tonight.
Speaker 6: Until next time, you'll see us hoping to see celebrities.
Speaker 7: Good night.
Speaker 11: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
Speaker 11: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 11: The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Speaker 11: Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.
Speaker 11: This has been a Comedy Central podcastow